my self to be something when being seriously weighed I became nothing for I knew God but as a natural man doth even by way of discourse I being as I conceive since much in the posture of the proud Pharisee I could say I thank God I was not such a person as was given to lewdness or vice as others were And being thus in my natural condition I thought I had need of nothing when I was as the Church of the Laodiceans wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked and that which was worst I knew not that I was thus in ignorance walking in darkness till the Lord brought me forth into the light First By convincing me of sin Secondly Convincing me of righteousness The first was according to my remembrance about seven or eight years since I being in discourse with a friend concerning something which did much displease me wherein my answering was very cross and my words very full of anger I began to espy my self full of malice and envy which did much reflect upon my own heart and caused a wonderful grief unto me and having never taken notice of any such thing before it was so much the more strange to me but calling my self to a strict examination what foundation I had laid when the Building began to prove so rotten it pleased the Lord that thereby I grew more and more sensible of my own miserable condition as being in the state of nature a child of wrath finding my self a lump of sin and uncleanness and at a far distance from the ways of God and to be in probability of nothing so much as of damnation and ready to be cast into Hell for my sins finding my self out of Christ and not any hope that I should ever gain an interest in him for I saw that without Faith it was impossible to please him and that without Faith I could not think of any way to please him being lost in false ways of my own invention And considering also that Paul counsels the Corinthians to examine them selves whether they were in the faith and saith he Know ye not your own selves whether Jesus Christ is in you except ye be Reprobates and following this course I could not otherwise judge but that I was a Reprobate and this condition was very burthensom unto my spirit and neither in hearing or reading could I for the time find any ease of this my trouble but still I did apprehend the Lord as an angry Judge requiring satisfaction of me for my sins Thus I languished not knowing which way to steer my thoughts but oftentimes crying out to the throne of grace what shall I do to be saved Sometimes I should perswade my self it was altogether impossible for me to think of being saved or ever to gain so much faith as to believe that Christ dyed for my sins for I thought it would be a very great presumption in me to attempt any such thing having often had thoughts of destroying my self It is my desire that I may never forget the providence of God in keeping me from all dangers in this my extream doubtful condition wherein I made not any one acquainted with my trouble but the Lord whose work it was to deliver me In this my spiritual Londage when I have heard godly men incouraging poor Souls to believe in Christ I have thought that others might but I durst not presume because I was no better qualified for if I could find my self more holy or more godly or fuller of goodness then there would be some hope that I might believe and hope for the favour of God and that Christ dyed for me But afterwards God put into my heart to consider that seeing By the deeds of the Law no flesh can be justified for I thought before I must have done something that should have proved meritorious and beginning to be acquainted with an emptiness in my self and an inability of my own to do any good and find that it must be given me from the Lord Christ being all in all to the Saints Upon this consideration I cast my self upon God saying Lord I am thy workmanship do with me what seemeth good unto thee If thou dost damn me I have deserved the severest of thy judgments thou art just although I am for ever justly miserable And one day reading of Mr. Perkins his Book treating of the smallest degree of saving-faith which did express that a desire to believe was faith it self I was something comforted to hear of this knowing that none could more desire it than I did and upon this a while I rested satisfied But not long after I found it a reed whereon I had leaned and grew again very restless and was beat off from this stay by having the opportunity of another Book which made me to understand that the poor man knew full well that a desire to be rich and to be rich indeed were two several things And so a desire to believe and faith it self was not the same For as all that desire to be rich are not rich so all that desire to believe do not believe Being thus drove from my other principle I began to see a more emptiness in the creature and a greater fulness in the Creatour And this last book by the blessing of God through his grace did inform my judgment in many things which were very comfortable to me As that the love of God was the cause Christ was given for sinners and that he became a full satisfaction to God for sins and if we staid from Christ till we were full of good works it might be a symptom we should never believe For it shewed that we must be ingrafted into Christ by faith before we could bring forth good fruits for without me ye can do nothing saith Christ And whatsoever is not of faith is sin These and many such like expressions in the Scripture which God put into my mind were very comfortable to the refreshing of my dull and weary spirit many times but yet fears in intervals possessed me as not finding Christ to be made mine by Faith For I could not say in particular that God was my God nor see that there was a reconcilement made between God and my Soul Sometimes I would perswade my heart to venture to believe in Christ for the pardon of my sins But presently objections would thwart my resolutions by concluding that I was too great a sinner And it was not absolutely said that Christ dyed for me In this condition I was for about four years before I did thoroughly apprehend the love of God in Christ Jesus unto me Yet the Lord was pleased at last to work effectually upon me by many sweet promises out of his Word which did wonderfully rejoyce my Soul As John 13.15,16 Whosoever believeth in the Son shall not perish but have everlasting life This very word whosoever did work so kindly and with such a sweet efficacy upon my heart that I was constrained
prize above all things in the world 5. I desire to serve the Lord in all things and am troubled when any thing obstructs those desires 6. I hope for salvation and true blessedness from Jesus Christ my Redeemer and from him alone â— P. XXXVI Experiences of D. C. I Have had great Conflicts of Soul for my sins and against sin and have shed many tears by night and by day I have been much troubled at the consideration of such things as have been at any time a clog to hinder me from enjoying spiritual Communion with God which I have desired It is the greatest grief I have ever had that I have offended so good a God and indeed my sins have been a very great trouble to me and especially in that God hath given me a measure of knowledge and I have not walked up to it to live according to the light I have received But I have found comfort in God's Promises Christ saith All that the Father giveth me shall come to me and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out John chap. 6. verse 37. Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate saith the Lord and touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you and will be a Father unto you and ye shall be my Sons and Daughters saith the Lord Almighty The Lord will receive us if we repent and believe and Christ calls Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Matth. 11.28 And as a testimony of my Regeneration I have these Experiences whereby to give account of the hope that is in me 1. That all my desires are chiefly to seek God in Christ 2. I find much comfort in duties to joyn in Ordinances and to partake of the things of God 3. I find my heart really at peace with all the World 4. I believe that the Lord God is at peace with me and will save me for ever through Jesus Christ D. C. Experiences of Mris. Katherine Clark HAving met with the Experiences of this Religious and worthy Gentlewoman in the account of her Life published by her pious Husband Mr. Samual Clark formerly Minister of St. Bennet Fink London which were found written in her own hand after her death and they being so very pertinent to the others aforementioned I thought it might be very useful to insert them without any alteration in her own words When I was but young my Father being at Prayer in his Family I many times found such sweetness and was so affected therewith that I could not but wish that my heart might be oftner in such a frame but Childhood and the Vanities thereof soon cooled these heavenly spariâ—s but my Father who was a Minister caused we to write Sermons and to repeat the same As also to learn Mr. Perkins Catechism which I oft repeated to my self when I was alone and therein I especially took notice of those places wherein he had set down the signs and marks of a strong and weak Faith being convinced in my Conscience that without Faith I could not be saved and that every Faith would not serve turn to bring me to Heaven Hereupon I fell to examination of my self and though I could not find the marks of a strong yet through God's Mercy I found the marks of a true tho' but wâ—… Faith which was some comfort and support to me And that God which began this good work in me was pleased to quicken and sâ—… me up to a diligent use of such means as himself hd ordained and appointed for the encrease thereof as hearing the Word Preaching private Duties c. But when I was about seventeen years old my Parents sent me to wait upon a young Gentlewoman in Northamptonshire the only Daughter of Sir W. W. At which time being sent so far from my near and dear Relations and meeting with some other discouragements in the Family thro' want of the Means of Grace which I formerly enjoyed I grew very melancholy I began also to have great workings of Conscience in me and Satan the deadly Enemy to the health and welfare of our Souls who like a roaring Lion walks about continually seeking whom he may devour took this advantage thro' my ignorance of his Devices to raise up fears doubts and terrours of Conscience in me by reason of my manifold sins and for walking so unworthy of God's Mercies whilst I did enjoy them and for being so unfruitful under the Means of Grace and so unable to obey God and keep his Commandments And by reason hereof I had no peace nor rest to my Soul night nor day but was perswaded that all the threatnings contained in the Book of God against wicked and ungodly men did belong to me and were my portion as being one of them against whom they were denounced Insomuch as when I took up the Bible to read therein it was accompanied with much fear and trembling yet being convinced that it was my duty frequently to read God's Word I durst not omit or neglect it Thus I continued a great while bearing the burden of grievous Temptations and inward afflictions of Conscience yet durst I not open the wound nor reveal my condition to any as thinking and judging my case to be like no bodies else But God who is rich in mercy and Jesus Christ who bought his people at so dear a rate would not suffer any of his to be lost and therefore he was graciously pleased to preserve strengthen and uphold me by his own power from sinking into Hell through despair and from running out of my Wits Thus by reason of my continual grief and anguish of heart night and day I was so weakened and changed within the compass of six months that when I came home my dear Parents scarce knew me For some years after her return she for the most part continued in her Fathers Family where by a diligent and consciencious use of the the Means both publick and private she did thrive and grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ as she increased in days and years Till she was married to Mr. Samuel Clark to whom in all capacities she was an excellent Wife After her death in a little Book in her Cabinet she gave the former account of her Conversion to God and added many more of her Experiences to this effect I here set down Gods gracious dealings with me not for my own praise but for the Glory of God and to stir up my heart unto true thankfulness for such unvaluable mercies And I have had many experiences of Gods gracious dealing with me at several times under afflictions 1. When Personal afflictions have lain upon me in respect of bodily sickness or Spiritual Distempers 2. In family afflictions when God hath taken away my childaen 3. When I have been under fears that God would take away my deaâ— husband by some dangerous sickness which he
Father's holdekeeper so as it were a Mother to ten Children a Mistress over six Servants none to do any thing without my command or consent being as it were my Father's right hand from whom I had this Authority it did not only stop my sorrow but caused an exceeding juyful pride or proud joy to seize upon my heart seeing my self aâ— it were advanced being respected amongst the chiefest of the Parish who were my Mother a companions I representing her person when I was amongst them then began the cares of the Worlâ— and the deceivableness of vanities to seize upon my heart and made me forget my former order promises and intentions and thus I spent almost seven years combred about many thing but quite neglecting that one thing which iâ— needful About this time it pleased God to take my Father from me upon a sudden I asked my heart What was the cause of my Father's death It made answer thus Because thou hast sinned against God thou hast not only omitted much good but thou hast coâ—…itted much evil thou hast spent thy time idly and loosely and for thy sake all thy Brothers and Sisters are now made Fatherless and Motherless Thâ—… consideration made such a deep impression upon thy spirit that I refused all coâ—…fort for half a year crying out continually My sins my sins woe is me my sins being demanded by divers godly friends and reverend Divines what those sins were which so much troubled me I told them sins of omission sins of omission they would perswade me that I was young and that I had not years enough over my head to be guilty of so many sâ—…s by omission that needed so much sorrow I told them that I was old enough to offend God and to provoke him to anger indeed I could not give so ready account of my sins of evil committed and of good omitted but though they never took notice of my sins yet my heart was witness against me Thus I wearied all my Friends with my excessive sorrow who knew not what to do for me more than they had done With one consent they sent me up to London perswading me that the Word of God was more plentifully Preached there which made me willing to come But missing of my Brother to whom I was sent to be provided for and resolving to wait upon some Gentlewoman until I could with conveniency return down again God by his providence brought me to the Wife of Dr. Page Minister of Debtford from whom I received great comfort but in a short time God took him from us all whose death was greatly lamented I found much favour and love from all that knew me and most especially from Mris. Page who for three years and an half would not suffer me to be away from her one day At the end of which time I was married to her eldest Son then living we had not been long married and my Husband received his Portion but we took a house in Westminster intending to take some honest course for a livelihood but there God knows we fell acquainted with some company which did not only cause much time to be spent in idleness but almost all our means One man especially who gave his mind to drinking and other vices more than any good he I say was never well contented without my Husband's company Seeing imminent danger to hang over our heads by reason of this course of life I greatly desired my Husband to refrain that man's company or at least not to suffer him to come so often home to our house This I begged upon my knees with tears but could not prevail then did the Devil set his foot into my heart and perswade me that by the committing of one sin I should prevent many and so stirred me up to murther him to which suggestion I cowardly yielded and sought all opportunities to perform this wicked act Here I denied my Master Christ In the highest of this hatred in my sleep I thought I was in a very large Chamber sitting behind a Table covered with a green Carpet upon which lay all manner of Instruments which proclaim death suddenly the man came into the Chamber whom so soon as I espyed to be alone catching up a weapon in my hand I resolved there to commit the horrid act of murther upon his body but God who watcheth over his whether they sleep or walte and worketh by means and without means which way he pleaseth at that time put an end to all my revengeful thoughts and caused me to hear a voice in my Ear saying Vengeance is mine to which voice I answered aloud And thou wilt repay O Lord Then waking hearing my self speak I was in very good charity with him and left my wrong to God but reflecting upon mine own heart there I found not only these but a whole nest of most Diabolical and wicked intentions which my God was pleased by his preventing graces to smother in their birth for I no sooner had concluded that I would fulfil mine own hearts lust although I suffcred all the punishments due for such and such like sins wherein I ran away from my Captain yet for all this he had a favour towards me and sent an Herauld after me to bring me back again But then began a fresh Batteâ— for my God coming as it ware to see what use I had made of the Talent that he had given me he found it not only wrapt up in a napkin but exceedingly abused and searching my heart what found he there but a sink of sin a Cage of unclean Birds and Den of Theeves a place for Dragons for the Scritchowl and for the Satyre these had taken full possession there was no room for my God they kept him out and what did they there but made it like a troubled Sea First telling me my sins were greater than could be forgiven Dost thou not know said they that thy thought-sins are sufficient to damn thee although thou hast never committed any actually doth not the Scripture say plainly if a Man lust after a Woman he hath committed Adultery which commandment being broken brings death I then took a view of all the ten Commandments written in the Moral Law to see which of them I had broken and which I had kept I found them all broken and at the end of every one was written Death And not only those but those sweet commands of my Saviour Jesus Christ wherein he bids us watch and pray for your enemies seed the hungry cloath the naked love one another all which I had likewise broken which made me to see nothing to remain for me but death and damnation â—argued then with my self on this wise I have read and I have heard that Almighty God which by his power made Heaven and Earth and all therein had sent his Son to dye for sinners and that there was hopes through his death that I should get pardon I had no sooner cast mine eye upon my
scould not say God was mine or had discovered him self to me in pardoning my sins yet this I had often thoughts of that I would throw my self upon Christ and if I perished I perished and since I bless God I have found some satisfaction in several places of Scripture As First In Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest And feeling such a burthen then upon my Soul I relyed upon that true rest Another is in 1 John 2.2 And he is the reconciliation for our sins and not for ours only but for the sins of the whole World I being one in the World I applyed this to my self and in 1 John 114. The Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the World Another place of Scripture is John 3.17 For God sent not his Son into the World to condemn the World but that the World through him might be saved And in verse 35. He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life Upon this account I said I believe Lord help my unbelief And in the sixth Chapter of John and 67 and 68 verses Jesus said unto his Disciples Will ye go from me also Peter said unto him Lord whither shall we go for thou hast the words of eternal life So that I will now wait upon the Lord for a further manifestation of himself unto my Soul in the use of his Ordinances although I have not in times past been fed with the Childrens bread yet now I do believe I shall not be denyed those crums of Spiritual comforts to nourish and refresh my wearyed Spirit for God saith Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy Wine and Milk without money and without price And I praise God I have found of late a very great manifestation of Gods working a change upon my heart and drawing me by true faith to himself 1. About a quarter of a year since I heard Mr. B. on the luke-warmness of the Church of Laodicea shewing that the Lord would refuse none that come to him in humbleness of Spirit and sincerity of heart then I thought surely I might make use of these full promises made to those that come to him and it put me to search the Scriptures which I did and found a greater influence upon my spirit in the understanding of the Word than before 2. I am in all things that I do fearfull of offending God and my desire is to do all things to his glory 3. My love to God is so hearty that I delight to be meditating of God and to have communion with him and could wish that I might be wholly if it were possible with God and my heart is never so at rest as when I am reading of his Truths and hearing others speak of them 4. I am so little affected to the World that I account it nothing I can willingly leave all for God and I hope suffer any thing for God if he should please to call me to it so far as I can judge of my own heart but herein trusting in the power of Christ 5. Sin is loathsom to me so that the affections that I did bear to some evils are gone and I now loath them more than before I loved them 6. I have many consticts between the flesh and the spirit but I find in those strivings my heart most cleaving to follow the mind of God knowing that if I give way to sin Satan enters and with all my Soul I desire and delight to follow the leadings of Gods Spirit 7. In all things the resolutions of my heart are for doing those things that may please God and that without delay being fearful to offend God which through infirmity I do I have great trouble in spirit for it and my resolutions are always against every thing that may hinder my peace with God 8. I find in my heart so great a peace between God and my Conscience that should God now call me I shall be very well contented to go to my Saviour 9. I do not doubt of Gods love to me because he hath drawn forth my heart sincerely to love him 10. My love hath been always from a Child to the people of God and my heart hath been ever troubled when I have heard them evil spoken of 11. My affections are great to the Ordinances and my heart longeth after them and when at any time I come with a cold heart to Duties yet my heart is frequently warmed and inlarged in those duties E. C. XVIII Experiences of D. M. SOme years since through many crosses increasing upon me like an armed man I slew unto God to seek his mind by prayer and he discovered to me that it was for my sins which were then set before me which caused in to feel the hand of God by afflictions upon me that sin was the cause of my sufferings which lay very heavy upon me and terrified me so that I thought I had been in the way to damnation And that if it had been in the way to Salvation every affliction would not come so upon me greater than I thought I could be able to bear In particular the Lord discovered to me that I had too much loved my Husband in making an Idol of him and therefore he justly became a great terror to my spirit for he grew an enemy to goodness and so an hindrance to me in coming to Christ And while I thus doted on him he went away from me I feared through the sense of that and other sins together with the aggravations of my afflictions that God did not love me Yet it struck into my heart that God did not strike willingly and therefore I endeavoured to see what was the mind of God in it who had taken away my Husband Goods and all from me namely that he had done it that I should not hang upon husks but should love him And I found that I had loved the world too much and set my heart too much upon these Creature-comforts and therefore the Lord took them away from me This wrought upon me great troubles and despair so that I cryed till I was almost blind And I had great feâ—… and trembling upon me that I could not pray not hear with profit but thought it was in vain for me to pray whom God loved not and whom I had so offended About a quarter of a year after I had a temptation by Satan to drown my self in a Pond near Leeds in York-shire weither the Devil led me telling me that I might do it there it being a private place where no body could see me and I came to the Pond side but by the providence of God having a great love to a young Infant I had I took that Child in my Arms and when I came to the place I looked upon the Child and considered with my self what shall
and out of order to serve God it doth much trouble me and in going to God I find comfort 4. When I am hindred from duties with the People of God it is a great grief unto me and the manifestation of the presence of God upon my heart is the greatest joy I find and that which most fills and satisfies my Soul 5. I find the want of any of Gods Ordinances to be a grief to me and that I am at a loss therein 6. I desire to serve God in all things and have a real and hearty respect to his Commandments and to do justly to all and do find my heart chiefly drawn forth to holiness and in all things to keep a good Conscience and live in the fear of God A. O. XXV Experiences of M. M. I Have many times had a desire to hear the Word of God when imployed about my Calling But I then thought to my self that I had no body to provide for me but if God would bestow on me so much of these outward things as upon others in the World then I would spend more time in hearing praying and reading the Word And accordingly as these outward things have ebbed or flowed so hath my joy been less or more But now God hath given me a sight of my sins and why I had formerly no comfort it was because I had not faith in my heart Before God wrought that in me instead of making use of those comforts which the Word holds forth I spent my time in mistrusting Gods providence who therefore justly during that time held the sence of his spiritual consolations from me Sometimes I was in despair so low that I could not apprehend any thing to be my portion but Hell Every thing that fell not out according to my mind I thought was a Judgment from God upon me Yet I afterwards got comfort by these inviting promises Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without money and without price And Ezek. 33.11 As I live saith the Lord God I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his way and live Turn ye turn ye from you evil ways for why will ye die house of Israel I had some comfort from these promises but no assurance my thoughts were various and tho' between hope and despair yet I resolved to go to God knowing that he is unchangeable and that whom he loves he loves to the end and that if a sinner doth repent and turn to him he will blot all his sins and iniquities out of his remembrance And it pleased God to bring this promise into my mind and to help me by faith to lay hold on it and apply it to my self Ezek. 18.21,22 If the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed and keep all my statutes and do that which is lawful and right he shall surely live he shall not â—…ye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him in his righteousness that he hath done he shall live And Christ saith Job 3.16 God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life And this is life eternal to know God and Jesus Christ whom he hath sent I bless God he hath made me now to believe not only in word but to labour to bring forth the fruits thereof in a godly life and conversation 2. I cannot but admire the free love of God to me that though I have given ear formerly to the Devil and to the world and to my own wicked heart yet God hath been thus pleased now to call me out of darkness into his most marvellous light 3. God hath been pleased to give me faith to believe that though sin hath abounded in me yet grace shall now much more abound This makes me to see the free love of God without any desert in the creature 4. I have formerly gone about to limit God and to be upon tearms with him that if he would give me so much of these worldly things as I thought needful then I would spend more time in those duties which he hath commanded me But this is contrary to the Word of God which teacheth me now First to seek the Kingdom of God and the righteousness thereof knowing that all other things shall be added to me that I want 5. And now blessed be God he hath made me to believe this and all other promises so that I can by faith call God my Father who hath promised me that All things shall work together for good to me because I love him 6. I have found something from God of hope of mercy since I was a faithful hearer of the word though the Devil did before tempt me with objections to drive me to despair for sin 7. I am now I praise my God comforted in believing that God will not mention my sins against me Christ dyed for sinners and the ungodly and I know that although I have been a great sinner yet this hinders me not from laying hold on the promises 8. I do believe that the Life I now live I live by the faith of the Son of God I see by faith that Christ hath satisfied Gods justice for my sins in particular and hath bid me to reckon my self in him 9. Now being spiritually marryed to Christ all the priviledges of Saints and believers belong to me And I can say All is mine and I am Christs and Christ is Gods Who shall lay any thing to the charge of Gods Elect It is God that hath justified me Who is he that shall condemn me being now justified by Faith in Christ I have peace with God 10. I know when this earthly Tabernacle is dissolved I shall have an abiding not made with hands but eternal in the Heavens for Christ saith I am gone to prepare a place for you that is for me and all Believers 10. All the promises of God in Christ are spoken to believers and by faith I believe they are made to me and because he lives I shall live also Now Christ hath made me free I am free indeed 11. Christ hath done all for me only bids me to believe which faith by his Spirit he hath wrought in me 12. I have formerly been stirred up to hear pray and read upon felfish consideration of fear that otherwise I should go to Hell And I am ashamed to think how I have chosen rather to believe what the Devil hath said than what God hath said But blessed be the Lord I now see it is free love that he forgiveth iniquity transgressions and sins only because mercy pleaseth him all that I can do cannot 13. I am guilty before Gods justice in my self both by original sin which came by the fall of Adam and much more by
to submit having not any objection against it for it comprehended all sorts of sinners although never so great yet whosoever believeth in this Son of God shall injoy such a sweet promise no less than eternal life In the 16. verse God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life And in Acts 10.43 That whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins Then in Gal. 2.20 I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me and Christ Jesus dyed for sinners of whom I am chief Seeing this application of Christ that Paul made in particular to himself who was a very great sinner in did much imbolden me in the like Rom. 5.8,9 God commendeth his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners Christ dyed for the ungodly and I was ungodly therefore I believed Christ dyed for me and when we were yet without strength in due time Christ dyed for sinners I am a sinner and therefore Christ dyed for me and he was reconciled unto us while we were enemies For the Lord to be thus reconoiled to ungodly to sinners to enemies this was more love indeed than ever I expected Especially that the Lord would have been half so gracious to me This turned all my former sorrows into joy crying out what shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits that he hath bestowed upon me For what was I or any of my Fathers house that the Lord should be so merciful unto me And I have these testimonis of my real conversion to God 1. The testimony of his spirit adopting me to be his child Gal. 3.4,5 God sent forth his Son to redeem those that are under the law that they may receive the adoption of Sons And because you are Sons God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts crying Abba Father wherefore thou art no more a servant but a Son I was once under the law dead I am now by Christ redeemed And I bless God for this precious priviledge that I can call God my Father 2. Christ hathfulfilled the law therefore I shall not be condemned by the Law but justified by Jesus Christ without the deeds of the Law there was a time when I was dead in sin and in ungodliness being alienated from the Common-wealth of Israel and a stranger to the Covenant of grace having no hope and without God in the world But being made alive by Jesus Christ I see my sins done away and do believe that Christ hath born on his body all my sins he being bruised for our transgressions Isa 53. And the Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all by whose stripes we are healed So that I do believe that by one offering he hath perfected for ever all those that are sanctified Heb. 10. And that Christ Jesus is become a full and perfect satisfaction for my sins and that the Lord is well pleased with and contented in this satisfaction Mat. 3. That is my well-beloved Son in whom I am well pleased 3. I am in and through Gods free grace what I am not for any thing in me or that I could do but as in Titus 4.5 We our selves were sometimes foolish disobedient serving divers lusts but when the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared towards man not by works of righteousness which we have done but according to his mercy he saved us That being justified freely by his grace we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life And in another place 1 Tim. 1.9 Who hath saved us and called us with an holy calling not according to our works but according to his own purpose and grace in Christ Jesus before the world began Therefore I believe that God the Father loveth me in Jesus Christ 1 John 4.19 We love him because he loved us first John 14.14 Ye have not chosen me but I have chosen you that you should bring forth much fruit Isa 43.25 I even I am he that blotteth out all thy transgressions for my own sake and will not remember thy iniquitieâ— and he will have mercy even because he will have mercy The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth us from all sins I plainly see it is the Lords doings and it is marvellous in my eyes As in Ephes 2. You who were dead in trespasses and sins hath he quickned together with him by Grace ye are saved and that not of your selves it is the gift of God I find as Christ Jesus was a free gift to me and for me so was this saving grace of faith a free gift also from the Lord to my Soul Rom. 3.24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that he might be just and the justifier of him that believeth in Jesus so that all boasting of the creature is excluded by the law of faith As by the disobedience of one many were made sinners so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous 4. I believe that as there was no sin found in Christ and yet a sinner by imputation so I being a sinner indeed shall be made righteous by Gods imputation For it pleased God to make him become sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him 5. I have the seal of the spirit as Paul saith The spirit of God beareth witness with our spirits that we are the children of God and if children then Heirs of God and joynt heirs with Christ in this our freedom 6. I do believe that God the Father loved me and elected me for the Son to redeem and that Jesus Christ loves me as given of the Father for him to redeem and manifests it to me And the Holy Ghost loves me as elected of the Father and redeemed by the Son and doth evidence it in me which is the earnest of my inheritance and there is an expression in John 3. last He that believeth in the Son hath everlasting life 7. I do believe that I have everlasting life already in possession 1. By the Promise Fear not little slock for it is your Fathers good pleasure to give you a Kingdom 2. In the first fruits for what is heaven hereafter but a more full injoyment of what is begun here What we receive now is but a tast of what we shall receive As 1 John 4.2 Beloved now are we the Sons of God and it doth not yet appear what we shall be but we know that when we shall appear we shall be like him for we shall see him as he is 3. I do injoy it by my head Christ who hath taken full possession of it already for me Therefore seeing I am not my own I am bought with a price therefore I desire to glorifie God with my Soul and Body which
but this I found by experlence to the praise of my God's Free Grace that as troubles have abounded my consolations have abounded much more For God brought seasonably into my mind many precious promises which were as so many sweet Cordials which much supported and comforted my heart and upheld my spirit when new storms have arisen and unexpected deliverances have followed And I have and do resolve by God's Grace not to distrust him any more Yer though more and greater dangers shall arise yet I will trust in him and stay my self upon him Though as Job said he should slay me The good Lord establish my heart in this good and holy resolution who is able to keep us to the end and hath promised that he will preserve us by his power through Faith to the Salvation of our Souls In regard of Satan's Temptations especially concerning my coming to the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper my Experience have been these Finding often that I was very unable to fit and prepare my self for a comfortable approach to that sacred Ordinance I used to desire the prayers of the Congregation unto God in my behalf and used the best endeavour I could in private as God enabled me though I came far short of what was required and of what I desired So that I did trust and hope through God's mercy to find a comfortable day of it and to have it a sealing Ordinance to my Soul But on the contrary I found much deadness and little spiritual tast relish and comfort in the use of it so that my spirit was oft much troubled and cast down in me fearing lest I had some secret sin undiscovered and unrepented of which caused the Lord thus to hide his face from me But then my gracious God brought this into my mind that the Lord doth sometimes afflict us for the exercise and improvement of our graces as well as to humble us for our sins I also considered that as the Lord doth tender great mercies to us in this Sacrament renewing his Covenant of Grace and sealing to us the pardon of our sins in the Blood of Christ so he gives us leave to ingage our selves by renewing our Covenant with him to believe in him and to trust upon Christ for Life and Salvation And it pleased God to give me Faith to apply this to my own particular Soul and a while after to shew me and to make good to my Soul that precious and comfortable promise That tho' he hides his face from us for a little moment yet with mercy and lâ—ving kindness he will return to us again This was a wonderful comfort and support to my dejected heart Blessed be the Lord for ever I desire to treasure up these Experiences that for the future I may in the like case resolve to put my whole trust and conâ—idence in him that so Satan may not intrap me in his snares through unbelief but that I may resist him stedfast in the Faith For I am not altogether ignorant of his devices God's promise is that in all these things we shall be more than Conquerors through him that hath loved us And hath said that This is the Victory whereby we overcome the World even our Faith 1 John 5.4 In the year 1664 there came to us the sad News of the death of my second Son Mr. John Clark a godly faithful and powerful Minister Thus as the waves of the Sea follow one another so God is pleased to exercise his Children with one affliction after another he sees whilst we carry about us this body of sin we have need of manifold Tryals and Temptations as saith the Apostle 1 Pet 1.6 Now for a season ye are in heaviness if need be through manifold temptations to keep us under and to make us the better to remember our selves Indeed it hath been the Lord's course and dealing with me ever since he stopped me in the way as I was posting to Hell to raise up one affliction or other either inward or outward either from Satan the World or my own corrupt heart and nature not having wisdom and grace to behave and carry my self as I ought under his various dispensations and providences as appeared at this time by his laying so great and grievous an affliction upon me in taking away so dear a Son from whom I had much Soul-comfort and ardent affections which he manifested by his fervent prayers for me and by his spiritual Letters and Writings to me wherein he applied himself suitably to my comfort in those inward troubles of heart and spirit that lay upon me This caused my grief and sorrows to take the greater hold on me upon the loss of one who was so useful to me Yet hereby I do not derogate from my Elder Son from whom I have the like help and comfort Upon this sad occasion my grief grew so great that I took no pleasure of any thing in the World but was so overwhelmed with melancholy and my natural strength was so abated that little food served my turn and I judged that I could not live long in such a condition Hereupon I began to examine my heart why it should be so with me and whether carnal and inordinate affections were not the great cause of my trouble which I much feared And having used many Arguments and laid down many Reasons to my self to quiet and moderate my passions yet nothing prevailed to quiet and calm my heart and to bow me to the obedience of Gods revealed Will And withal considering that it was God only that could quiet the heart and set our unruly and carnal affections into an holy frame and order and that he was a present help in time of trouble I often and earnestly sought the Lord with many Prayers and Tears beseeching him to quiet my heart and to over-power and tame my unruly affections so as to be willing to submit unto him and to bear his afflicting Hand patiently and fruitfully and to be ready and willing to submit either in doing or suffering whatsoever he pleased to impose upon me and to be ready to part with the best outward comfort I enjoyed whensoever he should please to call for the same And it pleased God seasonably to hear my Prayer to regard my Tears and to grant my Requests by calming and quieting my heart and spirit and to give me much more contentedness to submit to his holy Will and good Pleasure who is a God of Judgment and knows the fittest times and seasons to come in with refreshing comforts and who waits to be gracious unto those that trust in him Yet surely I was not without many temptations in this hour of darkness from that subtle Adversary who always stands at watch to insinuate and frame his temptations answerable to our conditions and like a roaring Lion walks about continually seeking to devour poor yet grecious Souls Then I called upon the Lord in my distress and he answered me and delivered me Bless
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