the house and to seaze vpon them to his vse The Officer came and search'd and the widow being loth to leaue the Candlestickes took him aside and sollicited his loue and withall offred him them in marriage with her shewing him besides a large inuentory of what goods and moouables the foresaid Gold-smith her husband had left her by his last will and Testament Which the honest Officer viewing and perusing and vtterly misliking and detesting such her treacherie deliuer'd it her againe saying Hold heer huswife your Inuentorie and see you deliuer me the Candlesticks presently So was she foyl'd in her owne pollicie for hauing confest the hauing of them she was fain to yeeld them vp without any more a do A meâ—rie Recorder of London riding vpon his Mule would needs take the wall of all men and riding in an euening all too ambitiouslie vnder the pentisses for that prerogatiue down he fell and his Mule both into an Ale-celler and sore bruis'd him Insomuch as euer after hee vs'd to haue a man goe betweene him and the wall as he rid for feare of any moe the like mischances The said Recorder passing along the street and hearing a Souldiour in an Ale-house calling for a Kingston-pot of beere straight stept in vnto him and arrested him of high treason saying Sirâ—ha often haue I heard and tasted of a pennie-pot of beere and found good of the price but of a Kingston-pot of Beere I neuer heard Sure it is some counterfeit coyne and I must know how thou camm'st by it The said Recorder mistaking the name of one Pepper call'd him Piper Whereunto the partie excepting and saying Sir you mistake my name is Pepper not Piper hee answered Why what difference is there I pray thee between Piper in Latin and Pepper in English is it not all one No sir reply'd the other there is euen as much difference betweene them as is between a Pipe and a Recorder OF GVEST AND ENTERtainment A Spanish Gent. being somwhat homelie entertained in an Abbay where he was lodg'd in an obscure corner of a lowe dampy roome the night being verie cold and he as coldly couered chaunced to fall into a sudden flixe wherwith he all to berayed the bed Whereat being much ashamed all early in the morning vp he arose and away he would and as he was ready to take horse hee said vnto the hors-keeper I pray thee fellow tell my L. thy master that in asmuch as he did not affoord me a bed in a chamber I haue left him a chamber in a bed Camera signifying in spanish both a chamber and a stoole In regard of the many Chimneyes that are now adaies built in houses and the slender hospitalitie that is kept a pleasant companion said that chimneyes are built so cunningly now a dayes that seldome or neuer they are seene to fume Fernando King of Spaine came in progresse to the castle of Montillia which was newly built by one Don Alonso de Aguilar an Esquire and finding the staires somewhat too straight for so stately a building the Gent. said And like your Majesty I neuer thought so great a Guest should euer haue mounted vp vpon them A Housholder hauing vnruly Guestes allotted him saide vnto the Harbinger Beleeue me sir I am greatly beholding to you for my guests he ask'd him why Mary because quoth he they are so bad as I shall rest most glad at their departure One said to his Hoste This fruit that you serue first in to this boord in my country vseth to be seru'd in last The Hoste answered yea and heer too for this once For it was all his fare at that time One inuited his friend to dinner and hauing made him but slender cheere excus'd the matter saying Insooth sir we haue neither Fesant nor Partridge nor Larke nor any other good bird for you at this time other then hartily welcome Th' other answered You please the birdes well in that A churle enuited a Gent. to dinner and hauing made him but homely cheer said that he was heartily welcom as a friend not as a straunger The Gentleman answered Beleeue mee I neuer thought we had been so great good friends One said to his guest Me thinkes you drinke very little wine if all the world drunke no more then you wine would be good cheape Not so answered th' other rather would it be very deere For I assure you I drinke as much as I can In Spaine Bishops marrie not A Spanish Gent. had halfe a foole to his sonne and on a time he taught him how to entertaine Gueste with talke as to aske them how doth your wife and your children your brother and your sister and so forth The next day a Bishop came to this Gentlemans house this yoong Maiâ—ter his sonne thus saluted him I pray you my Lord how doth your wife and your children your sonnes and your daughters your brothers and your sisters c. A Spaniard trauelling on the way alighted at a poor Inne and they ask'd him his name he answered Don Pedro Gonzales Gayetan de Gueuara Wherunto they reply'd Sir wee haue not meat ynough for so many A Conie-catcher hyr'd a chamber and said to his hostesse I assure you hostesse I neuer yet came in house in all my life where at parting I was not greatly lamented And he said true For he still departed without penie-paying One comming to lodge in a poore Ale-house ask'd the hostesse for a good bed With that she brought him into an inner roome and shewed him the bare earth saying Loe yee heere seuen foot length at least Heere rest ye Content quoth he but where I pray you is the pillow She answered Faith you are too daintie An ill-fauor'd man inuited a stranger to dinner and at last in came his wife who had also as bad a face as hee The stranger seeing her said vnto him I pray ye sir is this your wife he answered yea Then the stranger reply'd In sooth sir I would haue thought she had been your sister Queene Isabels Harbinger buillited a Courtier in a Painters house who whâ—n he came to him and shew'd him the bill and that he had read it and perceiu'd therby that he was one of the Queenes Gentlemen he straight tore it and said As sure as you are the Queenes Gentleman so sure am I the Duke of Nazareths man Goe seeke yee lodging els where for heer yee lodge not It was a Gent. chance to be benighted in a blind parish where he was faine to lie in as blind an Ale-house who when he went to bed they brought him a little ladder to get vp vnto it by reason it was verie high Which he seeing said Is this I pray the Fleas ladder In Mourtia a towne in Spaine there is an hospitall of Bedlams and fooles called S. Bennets hospitall wherupon the mad-men fools of that place are also called San Benitos A citizen of that town vpon S. Bennets day inuited a many of his
Iurie which gaue in that the said Fish-monger was in hell at the time of the murther committed A Gentleman taking his leaue of a Gentlewoman said May it please you to will me any seruice Shee answered No I doe not yet make my will Calderon in Spanish signifies a Chaldron A Gentleman whose name was Calderon dallying at a Well in an Orchard with two Lasses an other Gentleman came by and requested him to helpe him to a draught of that Well-water he answered Sir with all my hart I would but I lacke wherewithall to draw it vp Th' other reply'd Hauing a Calderon and two buckets can you draw vp none Roque in Spanish is a Chesse-man so called and Dama is a Gentlewoman and the Queene at Chesse-play One Senior Roque married a faire Dame and a rich and a friend of his hearing of it said Oh happy Roque that couldst giue so faire a Dama the mate Romero signifies in Spanish a Pilgrim One whose name was so ask'd an other whether he knew him who answered Yea very well by the token you beg for Gods sake A Gentleman whose maistresse name was Field saying in a morning to a friend of his See howe I am all bedew'd with comming ouer yonder field The other answered Rather is it with lying all night in the field One came to seeke out a yoong Gentleman at a Dicing-house who hauing lost all his money was but newlie gone a walking and one of the company said vnto him You doe well to seeke him out for he is lost viz. he had lost One came to visite his enamour'd friend and he found him all alone in a Turret pensiue stepping in vnto him hee said Where is this enamour'd Gallant what in a Turret hee answered I where should a dead man be but enterred One Beast was suspected to haue cowardly beaten and bruised a weaponlesse poore fellowe by night and hee stoutlie denying it before a Iustice a Gentleman that stood by said Out of doubt if a Beast did it not yet was it done like a Beast who ere did it Certaine Gentlewomen were eating of a Posset and they all commended how good it was A Gentleman of the company for contradiction sake said No it is not good Whereunto one of the Gentlewomen answered You say what it is not but you doe not say what it is A Gentlewoman that had two Paramours the one called Spot the other Fuller one merrily sayd of her Hauing a Fuller I maruell shee can haue ere a Spot EXTRAVAGANT SPEECH ONe being in danger of drowning an other standing on the shore said vnto him Get to yōder stooping tree you are safe Tut hee answered tell not mee of getting or gayning for I care but only to saue my selfe at this time A Spanish Gent. looking out at his window after a coorse that was caried out of his house to be buried said Oh howe hard a matter were it to thrust mee out of my house seeing to carie a dead man hence is foure mens traueill A Spaniard seeing in a Church in Flanders all the Saintes Images defac'd and broken and anon after noting in the streetes a manie faire houses downe the chimneyes only standing said It had been meet whē these ruins were a doing that the Priests had conuay'd the Saintes into these chymneyes and the Citizens their houses into the Church for Sanctuarie Wherunto an other adjoyn'd Thus you see where Lutheranes preuaile Saintes goe to wracke One was a telling an other how one Fernando Ruis Cauesa of such a place dwelt 26. miles from Ciuill and 26. from Seres An other comming in abruptly asking him what he said he answered It is a whole paire of Cardes One being ask'd what hee made in those parts he answered I haue not done any good deeds to be yet in heauen A Moore walking along the streets of Toledo pass'd ouer a bridge where stood a many shops and no housing Seeing it he ask'd a shop-boy where his Maister lay a nights who answered At his house in the towne as all the rest besides did Oh foolish people then reply'd the Moore no wife by day nor no goods by night A mightie fat Gent. had nere a child by his faire wife And offring one day to runne for a wager with a familiar friend of his and to giue him a quoytes-cast ods before him the other answered Giue me but one cast more and I 'le deliuer you her with childe A Father comming to see his sonne drest of a wound in his face said It would not haue grieu'd mee halfe so much if it had been in the arme or in the legge or in any other place but ther The sonne answered Oh Father Receiuers are no Choosers One asking one whether his brother were yet aliue he answered No nothing liuelie but a verie Lubber A widdow-Gentlewoman fearing least her leane son might haplie conuerse ouermuch a nights with his fair Bride therby incurre a consumption vs'd often times to send him abroad about her businesse some three or foure dayes together and so many nights which the yoong Gentlewoman his wife tooke verie vnkindly at her handes Insomuch as on a time her husband being from home and she looking out at a window and chancing to see a many Sparrowes sitting in a bush she skarr'd them all away saying Faith Sparrowes you had best be gone least my mother in law come and send you going with a witnesse A Recusant making water against a church-wal the Church-warden seeing it excepted thereunto as prophanely done Wherunto he answered It is my Church not yours A kind wife followed her husband to the gallowes and he requesting her not to trouble her selfe any further shee answered Ah yes deere husband nowe that I am come thus farre faith I 'le see you hang'd too God willing A Cooke seeing his far wife sit stradling at the shop doore said vnto her Fie on thee slut shut vp that shop of thine The Goodwife answered The Deu'll take him that hath the key and doth it not One saying to his neighbour that he had a Pope in his belly he answered Better so yet then a deuill in my heart One saying to his neighbour in an euening God giue you good night Th' other answered Amen Bishop Gardener seeing one of his men waite at the boord with a monstrous great Codpeece prick'd full of pinnes on the top tooke a peece of bread and crumbled it towards him saying Cob cob come cob cob A wench saying to one Thou art an errand knaue so thou art to vse me so behind my backe By chance one comming by and ouer-hearing it said Belike you would haue had it in your bellie A Pothecarie was shewing one an Vnicornes horne and an other came in abruptlie and ask'd him what horne it was hee answered A Cuckolds horne of a hundred yeeres olde An Officer examining a poore Passenger where he dwelt and how he liu'd he answered If you would examine me about other matters you should find I
and bad An ancient Captaine whose beard was hoare-white with age brought word to the Earle of Vrenia how the enemy had surprisd his Forte Trust me Captaine good newes answered the Earle Thou hast lost the â—ort and preseru'd the Barbaâ—ane Barbacane signifying in Spanish a white beard and also a Blockhouse Francisco Symenes Archbishop of Tolledo being deputed high Gouernour ouer Spaine during the Emperours absence in the lowe Countries vpon occasion of some seruice sent for the Earle of Vrenia to come to him to Madryll The Earle arriued as farre as Guadalaiara which was a two dayes iourney off the Court and walking there in the Goldsmyths street chanced to cast his eie vpon a curious peece of plate in one of the shoppes and with that hee stept to it and viewing it and liking it well hee willed the Goldsmith to bring it to his lodging The Goldsmith knew him not and therefore craued his name Then the Earle remembring his olde grudge towardes the Archbishop and taking it in foule scorne to be at his call answered Na na my friend it skils not who I am seeing I am come thus farre A Gentleman neighbour to the Earle of Vrenia in a deere yeare of Corne besought the Earle to supply his present necessity The Earle was well pleased so to doe and willed his Secretorie to drawe a warrant to his Stewarde to measure him out twentie quarters meane while the Earle stood talking with the Gentleman at a window At last the Secretorie hauing drawne the warrant brought it to the Earle to signe Which he perusing and finding that the words went thus I will you to deliuer twentie quarters of wheat to Don Pedro de Gusman wherwith I am willing to pleasure him at this time He straight tore the warrant and all to beknau'd the Secretorie and said Write that he deliuer him twenty quarters for that it pleaseth Don Pedro de Gusman to doe me the honour to accept it A Seruitor of the Earle of Vrenia who was but a poore mans sonne besought his Lords leaue to goe into the Cuntrey for a time for as much as his Father had prouided him a wife there The Earle was content and willed his Chamberlaine to giue him withall a suit of Apparel out of his Wardrop The seruing man assaying many and finding none to fit him in the end the Chamberlaine came and told the Earle of it whereunto the Earle answered Then bid my Treasurer giue him an hundred pounds to buy him one withal The Treasurer paid it and he had it Isabell Queene of Spaine willed Don Alonzo de Aguilar to entitle himselfe Marques of Pliego which was the name of his Manour house He answered That were all one as if your Maiestie would aduise me to marrie my maide The Marques of Cenete was woont to say That to bee rich was not to increase treasure but to diminish appetites Gonzalo Fernandes a braue Spanish Generall walking in a Church heard a Priest loudly praying To whome hee sayd Father what prayer is that you say Hee answered the Prime Straine it not then so high replyd the General least you break it For Prime in Spanish signifieth also a treble Lute string Gonzalo Fernandes vsed to passe much by a poore mans dore who had two very faire daughters which the poore man perceiuing and conceiuing withall that Gonzalos abusiue loue of his daughters might greatly redound to his reliefe He came to him and besought him to help him to some doinges in the Countrey thinking by such his absence the better to leaue his daughters to Gonzalos lust and without that the worlde might iustly suspect any his priuity therunto Gonzalo perceiuing such the poore mans drift desperation took coÌ„passion of his case drawing him into an inner roome gaue him two hundred Crownes in two seuerall bags saying I marie wil I my friend doe for thee Hold heere these two bags and be gone see thou bestow thy daughters presently therwith and as for thy selfe I will prouide for thee besides Gonzalo Fernandes still vsed to say that he remayned debtor to none so much as to them to whom he gaue most So much he esteemed the honour of his bounty The Earle of Cifuentes woonted to say that Noblemen in times past vsed to cast accompt with their Launces and now adaies with compters Don Diego de Mendoza Earle of Melito was woont to say That in the house where is a fountaine there needeth no Cesterne and the Lord that hath fee ynough need hoord vp no treasure The Earle of Cenete being a verie yoong Gentleman at the siege of Perpenian ventured close vnder the wall and darted a Launce into the Castle and came safe away Anon after a couple of hors-men salied foorth of the place and he seeing them would haue ventured to encounter one of them But his Tutor would not suffer him but said Soft Sir first I will go before kill one of them and then come you after and cut off his head Nay reply'd the Earle rather let me goe before and kill one of them and then come you after and kisse his taile The Earle of Lenios awarded Iustice to a Vassâ—ll of his wherwith the party found himselfe greatly agrieued highly exclaimed of the Earles iniustice therin and belike the Earle indeed mistook the matter Whereupon he sent for the party the next day and sayde vnto him My friend thy â—peeches deserue laughter and my errour reformation A Duke of Feria was so honourable in his bounties that he neuer bid his Treasurer any set value to disburse but thus Giue such a one fourty or fifty Crownes 100. or 1â—0 pounds so as the Treasurer rested euermore perplexed how to perform the Dukes pleasure Wherfore being on a time commanded to giue a certain Gentleman 200. or 250. Crownes he came to the Duke to demand his exact pleâ—sure therin Why pesant answered the Duke seekst thou to alter my maner of phrase I tell thee now for good and all vnderstand alwayes the most of my pleasure and there an end Don Bernardin de Velasco delighted so exceedingly in cros-bowes that he deputed an especial roome in his house for their safe custody It chaÌ„ced on a time that being to purchase a goodly manour much cuntrey about it in Andaluzia he had stored vp treasure to the value of 60000 pounds which his Treasurer for more safety had coffered vp disposed in the said cros-bow roome as being the strongest place in all the house Don Bernardin one day comming thether to see his cros-bowes and seeing those coffers there asked what trumpery it was The Treasurer answered Treasure Treasure said Velasco t is trash away with it what makes it here to endanger my cros-bowes A Constable coÌ„ming to arrest a shomaker within his house the shoomakers wife so well bestirred her that she brauely belamb'd the constable whiles in the mean time her husband got away The Constable then came vnto the Duke of Infantasgo complained vnto him
A big Doctor passed along with seuen pettie schollers at his heeles One that saw it sayd Loe yonder the Moone and the seuen starres A Graduate of Salamanca was to ride before a Gentlewoman and for maners sake would needes haue her get vp first which she refusing to doe the more he vrged her and would needs haue it so so absurd was his schollerly ciuility A Countreyman suspecting Legier de main betweene his daughter and a young shephard came to a Doctor who was famed for a great Sooth-sayer in that country and presented him a couple of Capons and told him all his foresaid iealosie crauing withall to bee foorthwith resolued thereupon Then the Doctor tooke a great booke and turn'd ouer a many leaues and made a great mumble to himselfe as seeming to conjure At last taking his spectacles off his nose he asked the country-man both their ages who answering that his daughter was fifteene years old and the shepheard three twentie Then the Doctor said If it be so friend byrladie I doe not denie but it may bee so in deed and so dismist him A graue Doctor discoursing vnto two vaine Gallants vpon a point of naturall Philosophy and one of them saying that hee vnderstood ne'r a word he said He answered No marueil for emptie barrels neuer sinke downe to the bottom One Doctor Villiabos saying grace before the Emperour Charles did it silentlie Wherunto a vaine Gallant afterward excepting saying that it were much better if he spake it out He answered Make mee but a foole and I 'le speake as loud as you but it will marr the grace quite One Doctor Mathew a famous Preacher in Salamanca was a verie little man And one seeing him passe along in the street call'd him in jest Minimus Apostolorum Which he ouer-hearing merilie answered Yet is Mathew maximus Euangelistarum One that had a great good memorie and was verie eloquent and had withall but little learning an other thus bejested him saying That hee had rocke and spindle ynough but the Deu'll a whit of yarne A Master of Arte amongst others bayted the Bull with dartes and trauersing along by the Duke of Infantasgo his scaffold who knew both him and his little learning sayd And like your Grace the Cuspe of a dart dulles not litterature True answered the Duke especially his who hath but a litle In the edge of an euening one Scholler said vnto another Det tibi Deus bonum sero The other answered Et tibi malum cito A punie Scholler in a Colledge a great dish of broath was set before him at dinner with a pease in it And he seeing it began straight to vntrusse his pointes And being asked why hee did so Hee answered I will goe swimme at yonder pease A thinne slice of cheese was set before a scholler who as soone as he saw it laid his finger vpon his mouth being demaunded why he did so he answered Least my breath should blow it away A manie Schollers went to steale Conies and by the way they warn'd a nouice among them to make no noise for feare of skarring the Conies away At last he espying some said aloud in Latine Ecce Cuniculi multi And with that the Conies ranne into their berries Wherewith his fellowes offended and chyding him therefore hee sayd Who the Deu'll would haue thought that Conies vnderstood Latine A Repetitor in a Colledge of Coimbria asked a Logick-Scholler Quid est prima He answered Foure Cardes of foure seuerall sutes A Scholler of Salamanca wrote to his father to buy him a booke intituled Digestum vetus And the sillie man return'd him this answer Sonne Vetus me no Vetusses but let it be span new and therefore doe I heer send you twise the price of it doe buy it your selfe A Scholler was commending a Doctors wife who had sometimes been a Familiar of their Colledge affirming that shee was passing discreete and of good deportment Another answered No marueill if shee bee so hauing a Familiar A pettie Channonrie was fallen voide in the Church of Alcala and according to the manner there a bill was set vp vpon the Church doore to aduertise any man of it that would be willing and withall should be thought sufficient to be admitted thereunto By chaunce a scholler passing by and reading it sayd Alas poore Chanonrie art thou so weak as to leane against a wall One that had a faire Librarie and seldome or neuer betook himselfe to studie another said vnto him It seemes that you and your bookes are at a truce One being asked whether he thought such a man literat or no He answered I his letters are like plain song few and grosse The Marques of Santelliana woonted to say that wee rest much bound to good Authors because they both diswarne vs from vice and aduise vs to vertue Platon in Spanish signifies a platter also it is the Spanish name for the great Philosopher Plato A profound scholler and an other being in rages th' other threw a great Platon viz. a platter at the scholler and sore broke his head One comming by in the mean time and seeing the scholler so highly disgraced said to th' other You haue done you know not what in misusing so great a scholler Th' other answered Wel may he now proue a great scholler indeed for well I wot he hath had a great Plato viz. a Plato on his head OF POETS AND MVSITIONS THe Earle of Orgas vsed to say that he is a foole that cannot make a Ballad and a more foole that doth make a ballad One Garci Sanchez a Spanish Poet became bestraught of his wits with ouer-much leuitie and at the rime of his distraction was playing vpon a Bandore Now certaine moneths after being partlie come to himselfe againe he was inuited to play before a great magistrate of the towne and hee play'd vpon the selfe same instrument which after that he had done hee deliuered it vp to the said Magistrate saying So now am I glad to see thee in the hands of Iustice that wrought'st me so much woe A scholler presented a gratulatorie new-yeer vnto sir Thomas Moore in prose And he reading it and seeing how barrain sencelesse it was ask'd him whether hee could turne it into verse He answered yes With that Sir Thomas Moore deliuer'd it him againe so to alter Who within a two dayes after came and brought it him all in verse Which Sir Thomas Moore reading and noting the time said I marie now is heer rime I see whereas before was neither rime nor reason One seeing an excellent Poet crooked and deformed of person said Lord what a poore cottage doth yonder good wit inhabite A Seruing-man seru'd in a Kids head to his masters boord and by the way eat vp all the braine of it Wherupon his master asking what was become of the braine He answered Sir it is a Musition-kid A scholler playing on the Bandore one requested him to sing thereunto some curious fine
friends to dinner and after dinner was done and the cloath taken vp one of the companie said vnto him We thanke you for all this good cheere to day many a San Benito I pray God may you see in your house He meant many a S. Bennets day OF MARCHANTS AND Misers TWo theeues came by night into a Marchantes house of Toledo and stole away a deske and a fetherbed The marchant hearing a noyse arose and went downe and finding they were but new gone followed theÌ„ to see what would become of his goods One of the theeues looking backe espy'd him said Why how now do you dog vs No answered the Marchant but onlie to see whether you remoue mee One ask'd a Marchant how he could sleep soundlie a nights owing so much as he did he answered Why man my Creditors doe sleepe A Marchant asked a wise man how he might preserue his wealth who answered Commit it not to Fortune Hernando de Pulgar vs'd to say that who so desires to be soon rich must haue two Muches and two Littles Much Auarice and Much Diligence Little Shame and Litle Conscience An Alderman lying on his death-bed certaine his prentises came to see him and besought him to leaue them some good aduise as a monument both of his great wisedome and good-will towards them Then he rear'd himself vp vpon his pillow and said Tast your pottage before you crumb in your bread and so died A Marchant had agreed with a Wood-monger for all his fagots at pence a peece one with another The Woodmonger after hauing thus bargained told him that vnlesse hee would giue him somwhat ouer aboue he would not vnload them Go too then said the marchant I am content thou shalt c. With that the Wood-monger vnloaded and when hee had done did also helpe to carrie them downe into the Celler in hope of c. Then the Marchant paid him for his faggots and he demanding his c. the Marchant adswered My meaning was that thou shouldst helpe to carrie the fâ—ggots downe into the Celler ouer and aboue thy bargaine So art thou payde thy c. A Marchant being ask'd with what maister hee meant to place his sonne to learne Arethmaticke he answered With the Hangman â—or that hee of all others is the brauest Accomptant viz. of mens deathes One said to his acquaintance I greatly marueill that you are no richer considering that on my certaine knowledge you may dispend eight Testers a day and you spend not passing two of them Th' other answered Two I pay two I lend two I spend and two I loose The two I pay are those I allowe my poor father and mother toward their maintenance the two I lend are those I allow for my sonnes education in the Vniuerâ—itie which I hope he will one day repay me againe if I so long liue as now I doe vnto my father The two I spend are vpon my selfe my wife and familie The two I loose are those my wife spends euery day in toyes and bables vpon her self which I neuer looke for more One that ought a marchant a great somme of money and his day of payment being neere at hand shifted away all his goods and fled the Countrey The wise marchant hearing therof was heartily glad and came to his wife and told her that in asmuch as his saide debtor was nowe runne away and had forfeyted his band he would before God take the benefite of the double A marchant that ought much and was not able to correspond fled the Countrey and for haste left much of his goods vndisposed of Which his creditors seazing vpon and selling at the street door to the most giuers one came bought a fetherbed and said It is good sleeping in his bed that ought so much money One passing by a miserly marchants new faire house saide to his companion Yonder faire house is built for welth not for Worship A Gentleman lent a marchant his horse who at his returne vaunted vnto him what a gallant horse it was and how by the way as he rid he out-gallop'd all the horses he ouertooke and had wonne with him halfe a dozen wagers so swift he pac'd it and so brauely he had put him to it The Gent. answered For such honour let my horse thanke you A miserly Marchant asking one whome he greatly disdayned how he came by so rich a widdow he answered Euen as a man may come by yours after you are dead A officious Welshman seeing a cripple Marchants widdow snayling ouer London bridge took pitie on her trembling gate and friendly offred her his helping hand all along And as they footed it together the old woman ask'd him by the way what countryman he was he answered A Welshman whereupon she straight desir'd him to shiâ—t on the other side of her which he did and so led her safe to her house at the bridge-foot At parting she hartilie thank'd him for such his good nature and pray'd God to blesse him and hee ask'd her what was the reason that vpoÌ„ his saying that he was a WelshmaÌ„ she straight desir'd him to shift on the other side of her shee answered Oh sonne my purse hung on that side An old Carmougion had worne a hat full fifteen yeares to an end and seeing it at last waxe red and rotten hee said See see the falshood of these Habberdashers howe sleight they make their wares A Noble-man sent a Gent. of his in great diligence about some especiall affaires and such was his diligence that he kill'd his Lords horse by the way Being returned home it pleas'd the Nobleman to make him pay fifty crowns for the horse saying that hee was content to reward him so well as to forgiue him the rest The Gentleman thought himselfe hardly dealt withall and answered Sir this is neither reward nor Almose Certain Seruing men complain'd to their niggardlie maister how that his Steward allow'd them but only Sallades and Cheese to their Suppers a nightes Whereupon the Gentleman call'd the Steward before him and in a great chafe saide vnto him Is it true N. that you giue my men sallades and Cheese to their suppers I charge you doe no more so but giue them their Sallades one night and their Cheese another and so in order A niggardlie Gentleman founde fault with a dish of vnsauorie Oliffes that was set before him and call'd it Cobblerie stuffe A Iester then to taxe his Miserlinesse sayd Belike sir they are fallen to that trade because they wil not be beholding to you A Miser said vnto his man Sirrha you had best bee gone least I giue you that you would not willinglie haue The seruing-man answered Sir I beleeue you not for you neuer giue A rich Churle was so miserlie minded that hee thought all mischiefes that befell any of his neighbours was in respect that they wisht him yl or went about to do him some despight It chaunced that his man riding in an euening to water
and a tall yet can not my Lady your Lady stand vpright therein One that was a litle crooked fellow and verie craftie withall an other compar'd him to the common law One saying to a crook-back'd person that it was a great default to be crook-back'd hee answered Rather is it an ouer-plus A crook-back'd Plaintiffe besought a Iudge to doe him right and the Iudge answered Well may I heare you but right I can not doe ye A blind man of one eye met his bunch-back'd neighbour earlie in a morning and said vnto him Good morrow neighbour what your burthen on your backe so rare in a morning The bunch-backe answered If it be morning as you say how chances it you haue but one window yet open Some bodie hauing stolne away a stump'd-footed fellowes shooes hee sayd Now I pray God who euer hath them well may they fit him One seeing a very mishapen and crooked person in the street said that he had a Camell to his Nurse A Gent. seeing a monstrous yll-fauor'd crooked woman in the street sayd to his companion See yonder The more a man can find in his heart to hate her the better may hee loue the deuill A Captaine dispatching a lame souldiour out of his bande the souldiour mal-content said vnto him The warres need no men that can run away but such as can bide by it One condoling his friend for hauing married a lame wife the other answered Why man I mean not to lead her foorth a hunting One quarrelling with a lame man threatned that he wold make him set his foote straight ere he had done The lame man answered In so doing I will accompt you my friend OF CHILDREN ONe said to a little child whose father died that morning and was layd out in a coffin in the Kitchin Alas my pretie child thy father is now in heaueÌ„ the child answered Nay that is he not for he is yet in the Kitchin The Earle of Aymonte vs'd to say that he is luckilie vnlucky that hath no children One who had 8. daughters his wife was brought a bed of a ninth and so soone as it was christened it died He seeming to take it verie heauilie a friend of his came to comfort him and said Hauing so manie faire daughters besides what neede you lament so grieuouslie for the losse of one He answered Oh giue mee leaue for this was truly a good one One vs'd to say that the benefit of children is that now and then they tattle somewhat which delightes the father whereby they partly mittigate his misery at their mothers hands A Gent. walking without his gate saw certain wagges tottring vpon a cart and all too brake it and hee sore rated them therefore In the meane time came by a neighbour of his who ought this carte and the Gentleman asking him whether hee went hee answered To seeke out a Herod to auenge mee of these boyes A Physition discharged a Caliuer at an old Physicke book which was left him by his Grandfather and it was his hap to shoot it cleane through which his little child standing by and seing said I warrant you father my grandfather neuer courst it through halfe so soone The father forgot to giue his little childe meate at dinner Wherupon the child pray'd him to giue him some salt Salte said the Father and wherfore salte my boy Marie father he answered for the meat you are to giue mee One whose name was Blackmere was a very foule blackeman and hee had a verie faire child Wherupon a friend of his meeting him in a morning with his sayd little one in his armes said vnto him Why how now what a Blacke a Moore turned to white A Schoole-maister whose name was Salter read Terence to his Schollers in a country-parish A goodman his wife were at ods about their pottage at dinner time he finding fault that they were too salt and shee affirming that they were too fresh At last the goodman said to his little boy there at dinner with them Tell mee Iacke how saist thou are these pottage fresh or salte The boy answered They may very well read Terence Father A Passenger returning backe by a blind Ale-house where he had laine thatday seuen-night afore desir'd his Host to boile him a joint of powder'd Veale such as hee prouided him the time before saying it was the best meat that euer hee eate You shall sir answered the Hoste and so departed With that a little child of his standing by sayd vnto the Passenger If my Father shuld loose a horse euery week it would be dear Veale to him A Physitions child was sicke of a burning feuer and he forbad his folke in any case to giue him water to drink The childe hearing such his fathers encharge within a while after call'd for a little holy-water to drink which they telling maister Doctor of hee then sayd What a deu'll doth the Ape call for water from heauen Nay then let him haue it or any other water besides One that took vpon him much gentrie and was no Gent. his litle sonnes were a tumbling in a heap of straw in the street which a Gent. a neighbour of his seeing out at his windowe â—aid vnto his wife T' were a good deed yonder gallowses were whipp'd see how they tumble and bedust themselues in the stravv shee answered No let theâ— alone for it faire betokens their Gentrie The Countesse of Beneuente aduis'd a Gentlewoman her neighbour not to dote too dearly vpon her little Babe least the losse of it should grieue her all too neerly OF AGE ONe that had a white head a black beard an other ask'd him how it came so to passe hee answered Marie the haire of my head is twenty yeeres older then my beard A Noble-man had attain'd to 86. yeares of age and neuer in all his life had taken physick at last he sickned verie grieuously and at the earnest instants of his friendes condiscended to take physick Then came the Pothecarie to him three or foure daies together with preparatiue sirrops and potions all which he receiued and bid his man after the Pothecary was gone to put it al together into a close stoole At last came maister Doctor him selfe to visit him viewing what filthy stuffe was in the close stoole hee sayd Sir you are a happy man to be rid of these bad humours in your bodie see heer the benefit of Phisicke and your life preseru'd The Noble-man answered Gramercie close stoole One ask'd an old man how long he had liued he answered A while but a great manie yeeres One vs'd to say that a man being once arriued to 50. ought rather bethinke himselfe to receiue death well then to enlarge his life longer One meeting an old man all trembling on his staffe said vnto him The house that is once come to a prop is neer falling One being demaunded what was an olde mans greatest difficultie hee answered To affoord rewards One vs'd to say that