Norwich did desire a Gossipping Neighbour of hers to get her a Husband not for any carnal desire she had but only to look to her Estate which I find too great and troublese me to look after my self and about three days after the Woman came and acquainted her that she had provided her a very good husband that was rich discreet and very industrious but only wants you know what which I am sure you regard not as you told me before Why truly says she these are all very good qualities yet I would not have him to lack any thing that if we chance to fall out may make us friends agen By which you may understand that her Gossip lost her three days labour 128. A Man chiding his Wife told her That she could call nothing hers but her Ring Fillet and Hair-lace nay her very Breech was none of hers Which the good and harmless Woman understanding one night let som'thing drop into the Bed which having found out by the smell askt her what was the Cause of her so doing She told him That whilest she thought her Breech hers she had a command over it but being his she could not rule another Bodies body Tar-box for that dear Husband 129. A little Boy being a cutting some Bread and Butter says his Brother to him Why did you not cut me some when you were a cutting some for your self you Bastard you What says he d' ye call my Mother Whore you Son of a Bitch If I am the Son of a Bitch then you are a Whelp And so are you you Puppy says t'other 130. A Scholar coming home from Cambridge to his Father his Father askt him what he had learnt Why Father says he I 'll prove that this Capon is better than the blessing of God How Zon says he come let 's hear it Why thus Father says he nothing you know is better than the blessing of God and this Leg of the Capon is better than nothing Ergo Tarbox thou meanest says his Father And well and what else canst thou do Why says he I 'll prove these two Chickens to be three thus here 's one Well says his Father and here 's another that 's two Well says he and is not one and two three Well says his Father you have spoke very well here Wife do thee take one and I 'll take t'other and and our Zon shall have the third cause he found it out 131. A humorous and rich Ignoramus did pretend much to speak conceited words and his usual word was I think so too So he askt a poor Gentleman one day that us'd to visit for a Dinners sake how old he was He told him as old as his little finger and after he had paused a little while In troth says he I think so too for I must study long before I can find out your conceits Then the Gentleman told him that such a Lord had done for him more than he deserved then says t'other I think so too And another told me that I was a wise man but says he I know to the contrary for I am a fool I think so too says the Humourist And another told me I was an Intruding Knave says t'other I think so too Well says he I see you are good natur'd for whatsoever I think you think so too That makes you visit me so often for the love I bear to you for I love your company better than Than what Than my meat O says he you have given me many wipes to day Why yes says he I hope you allow me as great a priviledge as you do my Napkins For you see that they wipe you often 132. After some Thieves had robb'd a Gentleman of a great deal of Money a Watch and Ring and good Cloths that were in the Portmantua Sir says his Man which was very ingenious nust I give them the hundred pound in Gold which is quelted in my Breeches too Yes says his Master by all means for they are very civil persons and have eas'd me and my horses of a great deal of luggage and trouble This is to let us see what happiness it is to have so good and discreet a Servant as his Man was 133. A Fellow in the County of Kent was so very poor that he could not get Victuals to put into his Head he began to despair and took a Rope and went to hang himself and as he was going to a Tree to do the Execution he spied where some great Treasure was hid which he immediately took away and left the Halter in the place and a little after the Owner of the Treasure came to take a view of it as was his daily custom and finding it to be gone for very grief he takes the Halter and Hangs himself but I think he deserves to be Hang'd agen because he Hang'd himself contrary to Law 134. A great and discreet Lady was one day disputing with a Physician and askt him why he did always prescribe either Asses or Goats Milk for one in a Consumption For says she truly I think that the Milk of a Cow should be far better as having better flesh better feeding and always breeds better blood and humors No Madam says the Physitian I do not approve of your opinion by any means unless the Patient be a Calf 135. A good sufficient man that liv'd in the Suburbs of London amongst other things of his Estate had a good large Field before and then had newly purchased two Fields more which made a Gentleman say that he had purchased More-Fields 136. One meeting a mad Fellow that was drunk askt him whither he was going says he I am going to the Tavern No says t'other that you are not for Drunkenness is the way to Hell and thither you are going Puh says the Drunkard you are therein much mistaken and I ne'r fear that for I am so drunk that my Legs are not able to carry me so far and what need I go thither agen for I came from the Devil Tavern but now 137. A man was telling very soberly to an Arch wag that such a Venison Pasty was an excellent good one and that he was very sorry it was eaten and could find in his heart to write an Epitaph upon it then he told him that he must write his Epitaph in the House of Office for there 't was buried 138. A fair young Lady being upon occasion at the Assizes in Oxford and seeing the Sheriff who was a very fair young Gallant to wait upon the Judge that was an old man to and fro as there was occasion her friend askt her if she was put to her choice which she had most mind to marry the Judge or the Sheriff She told him the Sheriff Why so says he Why truly says she I do confess I love Judgment well but I love Excution much better 139. In former times when first they wore high-crown'd Hatts every one began to spend their Verdicts on it One
a-Cobler being met together they must needs to Joking one with the other then Pride told him he saw a piece of Coblers Wax stick on his Scarlet Cloak puh says Hewson a handful of Brewers Grains will scoure it off presently 10. It hapned that Oliver was coming from Hampton-Court in a very rainy day in his Coach which was very full and Hugh Peters was a Horseback riding by then Oliver out of pure kindness would have lent him a Coat to keep him from the Rain but he refused it and bid the man tell his Master That he would not be in his Coat for a Thousand pound 11. A Country Fellow coming to Oxford Market cheapned some Apples of an Apple-woman there and she told him Six a Penny which he thought unreasonable and thereupon call'd her the Son of a Whore then she told him He was a Rogue to call her the Son of a Whore for her Mother was as honest a Womans Child as any was in the Parish where she lived 12. Some being merry together among other discourse one said A bushel of March dust is worth a Kings Ransom but says another What is a hogshead of March Beer worth then For that comforts the Spirits and t'other spoils the Eyes 13. Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together one was asking what News there was T'other told him There was forty thousand Men rose to day which made them all stare about and asked him to what end they rose and what they did intend Why faith says he only to go to bed at Night again 14. A Country Fellow being before the Justices upon his Oath at the Sessions was ask'd the cause of the two mens falling out He said my Lord you are a Rogue The Judge seeing the People begining to laugh bad him speak to the Jury for there were twelve of them 15. One bid a Maid to go and kiss such a Gentleman No faith says she I beg your pardon for that for I won't go to Market for such Ware which I can have brought home to my door without any trouble with vantage too 16. A Girl that had a months mind to be Marryed and on the Wedding day at Night says she to one of her Comâ—adet When I was to go to Bed I unlac't and lac't my self again and pulled off my Shoes and Stockings and put 'em on again But when I was to go into Bed said I O lack a day must I lye with a strange man to Night And when I was a Bed I bethought my self how I should lye for if I should turn my Face to him he 'd think I was bold and if I should turn my Breech to him he 'd say I was unmannerly therefore I was resolved to lye upon my Back let come what would 17. In the time of the Rump Two Rump Parliament Men being in a pair of Oars says one of them You Watermen are Hypocrites For you row one way and look another O Sir says one of them being a smart Fellow we have not plyed so long at Westminster but we have learn't something of our Masters the Parliament that sit there that is to pretend one thing and act another 18. A Countrey Fellow brought a Letter to a Gentlemans house but he not being at home he left it with a Monkey that stood at the door the Gentleman hearing of it when he met the man was very angry with him Sir says he And please your Worship I delivered it to your Son which was at the door My Son says he 't was a Monkey Truly Sir says he I thought it was your Son it was so like you 19. A Taylor having got an Old Doublet to mend of an ancient decay'd Gentleman they happened upon a very large Louse which by chance he cut in two as he was ripping a place in the Doublet then he gave one half of the great Louse unto his Wife and took the other himself and they both eat it and after that called themselves Gentleman and Gentlewoman their Journey-man seeing what they did and hearing what they said said he was a piece of a Gentleman too which made them ask the reason of it Why says he When you cut the Louse in two with the Sheers and did eat it I at that time lickt the Sheers that cut it Ergo. 20. In the Rumps time a Foot Souldier met at a Church in the Suburbs a Whore who was very diligently taking Sermon-Notes but that night he lay with her and about a month after his Captain heard that she was catch't a Bed with two men by the Constable and he told the Souldier of it but he rapping out a great Oath swore he did not think she had been a Whore though and yet he pretty heart had layn with her half a score nights before that and therefore had good reason to wonder that one should think her a Whore Probatum est 21. An Arch Wagg put a great many Rams-horns in a Basket and went up and down and cryed New Fruit New Fruit in the Winter time at last a Lawyer bid him let him see his Winter Fruit which when he saw them said You Fool who d' ye think will buy Horns O Sir says he though you are provided yet I may meet with some that are not 22. A man was advised of late to venture at the great Lottery in Morefields No no says he there 's none but Cuckolds have any luck there at which his sweet and vertuous Wife being by and hearing of it said My dear Husband let me entreat you of all loves to venture there for I 'm certain you 'll have good luck But how he took it I can't tell 23. One speaking of the burning of the Streets of London at the great Fire there said Cannon-street roar'd Milk-street was burnt too Wood-street was burnt to Ashes Bread-street was burnt to a Coal Ironmonger-lane was burnt red hot Distaff-lane had spun a fine Thread Snow-hill was melted down Shoe-lane was burnt to boot Creed-lane would not believe it till it came and Pudding-lane and Pye-Corner were over bak'd 24. A Country-man coming to Town in the Rumps Time and hearing of the great things they had done would needs go to the Parliament-House to see them and being there said Now Gods blessing on you all for you are a goodly Company and have done wonderful things to the good of us all and that we may be further serviceable unto you my Wife and I and all my Children will work hard for you all for I see there 's a great number of you not doubting but in a little time you may have occasion to make use of me and my Trade Then they ask't him what Trade he was he told them a Rope-maker and presently slipt away among the Crowd 25. A Man that had great store of Arable Land did command a Boy of his to watch the Pidgeons that they should not eat up the new sow'd Corn The Boy went presently to the Pool and there stood
the Hall into the Parlor there was a Jack-an-apes tied by a Chain at the Parlor door and as all the Tenants came in he would have a pluck and fling at 'em which this worthy woman seeing very discreetly askt the Usher of the Hall what that young Gentleman was and what his name was He told her 't was a Jack-an-apes then she very mannerly coming to go in makes a very reverend Curtchy and says By your leave Mr. Jack-an-apes The Ape hearing her speak to him began to chatter at her and to pluck her more than all the rest at which she grew offended and told him let him be who he will yet he was an ill bred man thus to affront an honest woman who has been these Twenty years a Midwife in the Parish and my husband I 'd have you to know was Constable within these three years but the Knight told her what he did was but in jest and he should do 't no more and so was removed from the Parlor door 175. A Lady said to Oliver's Wife when he had newly made a Knight How can your husband make a Knight when he is none himself But says she boldly He is a Knight and shall be a Knight and he has dubb'd him so O says the new married Knight's wife If I thought dubbing would have made him a Knight I could a dubbed him my self and all the rest that were there did own what she said for what need he have been at the charge of a Knights Fee when we can dubb 'em our selves without any charges at all nay perhaps may get a Diamond Ring or some other Rarity sometimes into the bargain Tarbox for that too 153. A well-bred woman being above-stairs and her well-tutor'd Son below then she call'd to him and said Come up my Bird. What Bird mother says this dutiful Son Why Whores-Bird Sirrah says she By my troth Mother says he I think you never spoke truer in your life Why Sirrah says she if that be true then you are a Bastard Why Mother though I be a Bastard yet I am sure you are not a Whore For how can she be a Whore when he is only a Bastard 154. A Woman going to her Husbands funeral with several of her Neighbours a Man among them which was of the Parish too came and whisper'd her in the Ear as she was going to Church which when the company saw they thought it was a business of some great concernment but indeed it was to wooe her Sir says she I thank you very kindly for your good-will and do like you well enough and am very sorry also that you come too late for I 'll assure you I was made sure to another yesterday 155. There 's a Proverb which says The fair lasts all the year said a Woman but says her Husband My Dear I can't in this years fair sell thee for fair It may be so says she but I have the worst luck for I can neither sell thee for fair nor foul What 's the reason of that Wife says he Why says she my Mother always told me that no Cuckolds would off in a Fair for she could never put off her Husband there and yet she was as honest a woman as any in the parish though I say it that should not say it 156. It seem'd one Doll was brought before a Judge for some Crime or other which all believed was true yet they could not prove it says Jone to her Faith Doll how didst come off Why says Doll I set a good face on 't By my troth then says Jone thou didst borrow it for I am sure thou never hadst one of thy own Says Doll if I can have one for borrowing what need I keep one of own 157. God sends fortune to Fools said a Man to his Wife No Indeed says his Wife for he made you a Fool but 't was I that gave you your fortune which will send you to that place where the Devils can't come at you For you know my dear Husband That all Cuckolds go to Heaven 158 A Scholar in Oxford was often sent to by a Citizen there for Money which he pretended was due to him and finding his answer not according to expectation he took the boldness and went to him himself and modesty said to him in private Sir There 's some Money betwixt you and I. Say you so says the Scholar I pray where is it we 'll divide it if you please Sir says he I have taken your word for it hitherto Truly says he so you are like to do till you are paid 159. Another time he hired a Horse of an Oxford Man for Two Shillings a day and did engage that if the Horse came to any disaster he would pay him the price of him which he said was Six pounds but after many sendings to and fro it seems he did still remember to forget to pay him and the Scholar having some occasion to go for London was there met by a Bayliff who very Ingeniously said to him Sir I Arrest you for a Horse the more fool you says he do I look like a Horse Why then says he I do Arrest you Truly says he I thank you for that for I am very weary with walking Sir says he I do tell you I do Arrest you for Money Why I know that says he for you won't do it without Money I am sure At last says he You Bailiffs are very idle fellows Why so says he because says the Scholar you are still Arresting yet I must confess sometimes you take a great deal of pains in it 160. Jane says a Man to a Woman I 'll give thee Ten Shillings if thou will not answer me with a lie and when she had took it says he Tell me true is thy Husband a Cuckold or no upon this she answered him never a word and when he saw that he could not make her speak he demanded his Ten Shillings again Why says she did I make any lie to you No says he Then say's she I have won the wager and thou art ne'r the neer for thy question Then he swore he would never talk with that Woman again that can revile a man in speech and in silence beguile him 161. A Gentleman that used to be smart in his Repartees once had in his Hat a very gallant and rich Knot or Faver of Gold and Silver Ribbon which some young Ladies had a mind to if they could get it handsomely without begging of it and so one of them said to him Sir you have a very fine Faver in your Hat and so they said all Pray Madam says he to the first tell me truly do you like it Yes indeed Sir says she Why then says he if you had not lik't it I would have flung it into the Fire but since you say you like it I pro test I like it the better and am resolved to keep it for your sakes 162. A Gentleman that had a great Wit