I was one of that Number whom God the Father Elected and Chose to himself in Christ out of the Corrupted Mass of Fallen Mankind And that before Time began and that my Name was Recorded in Heaven in the Lambs Book of Life 2. He assured me that my Sins and Transgressions committed against the Law and Majesty of Heaven were all laid to the Score of Christ by God the Father And by him as my Vademony and Surety Born and Satisfied for 3. He assured me that the Debt which I had Contracted both in Adam my Natural and Faederal Head and in my own Person was fully Paid and Actually Discharged by my Sponsor and Surety Christ by his Obeying and Keeping the Law perfectly for me and his bearing and undergoing in my Nature the Curse and Wrath of God to which by Sin I became Obnoxious 4. He assured me that God the Father is fully Satisfied with that Obedience Active and Passive of his own Son and that it is for the Worth and Merit of that Obedience that God Justifies and Accepts as Pleasing to him both me and the rest of his Elect for whom alone that Obedience was Performed 5. He assured me that all my Sins how many and great soever are Frankly and Freely Forgiven and Pardoned as if they had never been committed and that not for any Act done by me whether Believing on Christ or Repenting for Sin nor yet for the Sorrows and Miseries I underwent while under the Spirit of Bondage or for any Service to which I should be Called while in a Militant State but for his own Name and Glory sake and on the Account of what his Son my Mediator and Surety had done and suffered in my behalf 6. He assured me that God the Father Loved me with a Real and an Endeared Love before I was Called out of a State of Nature And that the Reason why he handled me so roughly by the Spirit of Bondage was not because he hated me as the Devil and Carnal Reason suggested Or that he might in any measure satisfy his Vindicative Justice for my Sins that being done long before I had a Personal Being But that he might make me the more sensible how hateful Sin is to him being so Contrary to his Pure Spotless and Blessed Nature and so Repugnant and Contradictory to his Holy Just and most Righteous Law As also so Destructive to his Elect whom he so Dearly Loves Also that I might know and become for ever sensible how unspeakably Wretched and Deplorable that State and Condition is into which by Sin Man hath brought himself and out of which no Created Power could possibly Save and Deliver him That I might for ever hate and loath Sin as the worst of Evils and become for ever sensible of the Greatness Goodness Love Mercy Wisdom and the unconceivable and Infinite All-sufficiency of the Glorious and Tremendous Jehovah Father Son and Blessed Spirit who himself without the Counsel or help of Creatures hath contrived and found out such a way of Restoring to his lost Favour his Elect and Chosen in Christ as neither they themselves nor the Angels could ever think of And finally that by his so sharply handleing me way may be made into my Soul for the Manifestation of his Great and Unexpressible Love wherewith he Loves me in Christ to Enter and make its Abode for ever And that from the Experience I have now gotten both by God's Wounding me by the Spirit of Bondage and his Healing and Comforting me by the Spirit of Adoption I might be fitted to speak Experimentally both to the Terrifying and Awakening Secure and Presumptuous Sinners As also to Heal and Comfort Instrumentally Poor Wounded and Bleeding Sinners when Sinking into those Depths of Despondency and Despair out of which the Out-stretched Arm of God's Grace and Almightiness hath Delivered and Rescued poor Sinful Nothing me 7. He assured me that I am now in a Justified Sanctified and Adopted State The lost Image of God being by his Sanctifying Operation Recovered in my Soul in measure 8. He assured me that I shall be made to Persevere and hold out in a State of Grace and that I shall be continued in the Love and Favour of God for ever and ever In despight of all that the Powers of Darkness can Contrive or Act against me 9. He assured me that the Eye of Divine Providence should be Everlastingly fixed on me and the Right Hand of God's Righteousness Everlastingly kept under me for my Security from being in danger at any time of finally Miscarrying or Perishing 10. He assured me that the very Indwelling Corruption in my Nature and whatever Falls or Miscariage which should at any time be occasioned thereby in my Life and Conversation Should with all the Afflictions attending me for the said Miscarriages most certainly and infallibly Work for my Eternal Good and Welfare whatever I my self or others should Judge to the Contrary 11. He assured me that I should meet with great Opposition and Tribulation in the World But that all mine Enemies should find they Laboured in vain For that God was on my side to take my Part against them And who will most certainly Crown all my Streights and Troubles with a happy Success 12. He assured me that God's Special Presence should be so with me in every Change of Condition in this World as that nothing should harm or spoil me Yea that Death it self the last Enemy of Nature should neither Terrify nor Hurt me The Mortal Sting thereof being by the Death of My Redeemer unstung and divested of its Power to harm me or any of Christs Redeemed ones These Particulars Discovered and set home by the Holy Ghost on my Trembling Panting Soul He Working me Powerfully to a Believing each Particular with Application to my self I was immediately surprized with a more Astonishing and overcoming Rapture of Inexpressible Joy than before I had clear manifestations of the Love of God to me in Particular and of the great things done and Prepared for me to make me Everlastingly happy in the Beholding and Enjoying himself as my God and my Father and Portion in Christ for ever According to the Unconditionate Free Covenant of his own Grace Made and Establshed in and with Christ his Son in the behalf of me and the rest of his Elect. No sooner did I look up to God and behold his Reconciled Face Smile on me in the Face of Jesus his Son but I felt such inward Soul Inebriating Joy as I verily thought would cause my very Soul to Fly out of my Body and my Body to burst in sunder The hardness of my Heart under which I Laboured all the time of my Bondage State and which I sensibly felt to grow and encrease as I called to Remembrance the many Follies of Youth and the Holy Law of God whereof those Follies were so many Breaches each Folly Deserving if it were Possible a Thousand Damnations was Melted and Thawn like a
twine Thread over Hells Mouth Roared out as if my Bowels had burst out of my Body Crying with great and unutterable Groans and Tears My good Lord Dear my Lord I am afraid I am an undone Creature I am a Damn'd Man there is no Mercy for me My Lord perceiving by my Looks and Speech that I was in good earnest wounded with Tears in his Eyes and with the greatest concernedness for me began to play the Spiritual Physitian asking me with great earnestness what gross and crying Sins as Adultery Murther and the like could one of my Years be guilty of as to occasion my falling into Despair of Mercy And said my Lord admit you were guilty of such and greater abominations what Reason have you for Despaire you must know that Jesus Christ the Son of God came into the World not to lay a Load on you but to take your Load off you Quoting Mat. 11. 29. Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy Laden and I will give you Rest With many other Texts of Scriptures and comfortable Expressions he laboured to Relieve and Ease my burthened and sinking Soul but all in vain God's time of curing my deep and desperate Wound being not come As touching my purpose of going into the Country My Lord told me I might use my freedom but that his Judgment and Advice was that it were better for me to stay than to go into the Country and that because of the great Disadvantage which by going would accrew to me in my Studies My Lord having declared his Judgment what had been best for me to do I told his Lordship I was resolved to take his Advice what ever came of me and accordingly I did My Sore continually raw Day and Night and ceased not Yea my Soul refused to be Comforted According to that of the Psalmist in the like Case Psal 77. 2. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord my Sore ran in the Night and ceased not My Sould refused to be Comforted I seemed to follow and to ply my Studies rather for Fashion sake and for fear my Lord and my Father should suspect that I Loved Idleness rather than any Love I had thereto or hopes that ever it would turn to any Account for good to my self or others When at any time I look'd into a Book instead of heeding or minding what was in the Book the Eye of my gnawing guilty Conscience was fixed on the many Sins I had committed against God insomuch that all the Sins of my Youth were in all their black and aggravating Circumstances laid and held before me as a Looking-Glass to shew me what a monstrous Sinner I was According to that of David Psal 51. 3. For I acknowledge my Transgressions and my Sin is ever before me Endless were the Tossings and Rowlings of my weary Soul from one sad confusion and despairing Thought to another Innumerable almost were the sorry Prayers such as they were and other Duties which I daily Performed to Keep and Relieve my Despairing Soul with but all in vain Which caused me to conclude that I had been much wanting in the Trade of Works and that had I not been so I might have been acquainted with Peace and Comfort before now To the Trade of doing I again addrest my self resolving not to omit or leave undone any thing which I understood by Reading or Hearing to be matter of Duty Praying understand by the Book for I knew no better Reading Fasting and attending the most lively Preachers frequenting Sacraments giving Alms to the Poor of what Money my Lord and other Relations Handed out to me That Place in Dan. 4. 7. was oft in my Thoughts according to which I gave away whatever I got yea so addicted to Relieve the Poor and Needy was I that I would give away my very Apparel when I had no Money And all this from a Pharisaical and Superstitious conceit that by those Acts of Duty and Service I should Recompence God for those Sins which like a Mill-stone on the Back of a Man were sinking my Soul into the Gulph of Desparation I did abound more and more in Strict and Circumspect Walking according to do and Live the Condition and Tenure of the first Covenant of Works under which I was Labouring for Life The more I wrought at the Trade of Duty the further I found my self from Peace which did cause me to Conclude that my Case was certainly desperate and that it was peculiarly my own and that none that belong'd to God was ever in such a condition as I found my self to be in I then renewed my old practice of going to Ministers acquainting them with the deplorable and wretched State and Condition I was in and earnestly begg'd their Advice and Council what one in my sad Circumstances had best to do in order if it were possible to escape Eternal Damnation Oh! that killing Word Damnation When ever I Heard Read or Thought of it how did it Rack and Torment my Spirit As fearing it would be my Portion for ever As the Principle from which I Acted in order to healing and cure was Do and Live So those Spiritual Physitians to whom I Addrest my self for Council and Comfort in this Despair of Soul being as ignorant in the Mistery of the New Birth as ever was Nicodemus Joh. 3. 4. They put me on doing those Duties in and about which I had Laboured before even to weariness The Names of those Dignitaries of the Church to whom I Applied my self together with what their sayings were are too Tedious to Relate and therefore I here pass them by Only I think fit to Acquaint the Reader with the great and superlative Ingenuity and dexterous Skilfulness in healing a Sin-sick Soul which one of them above the rest had attain'd to to his Everlasting Fame be it Spoken The Thing is thus After I had acquainted the Bishop for of no lower a Degree was he with the sad and lamentable Condition my Soul was in but he forthwith exhorts me to get a Book Stil'd The whole Duty of Man and when I had got it I should come to him for further Instructions The Book I forthwith procured and to his Lord Bishop I repair'd who finding that I had got the Book Takes it out of my Hand and turning to a Prayer appointed for one of the Nights in the Week with great earnestness charged me that when I was ready to go to Bed that I be sure to kneel down by my Bed-side and say that Prayer the which was done according to his Lordships Directions But to how great purpose I leave the Judicious and Experienced Christian to Judge Having thus applied my self to seven or eight of the Ablest and most Fam'd of the Fathers and Dignitaries of the Church of England then in Dublin and finding by woful and sad Experience how little they understood my Case and how vastly short they prov'd in helping me in my Extremity I concluded my
making to a Window looking into a pleasant Garden I leaned on the Window with my Elbows and so bore up my Body from falling which otherwise had undoubtedly sunk down under its present Load and Weight occasioned by that Temptation Remaining for some little space in a horrible Trembling and amazing Consternation of Spirit I looking out into the Garden began began to consider and Reason with my self thus How came these Trees to grow thus orderly in this place Who Rear'd or Built these Sumptuous Buildings Surely not themselves why then think I if not themselvess then of necessity they must Spring from some Cause Higher and more Noble than themselves viz Man Then from the Consideration of the Trees and the Buildings I began to Exercise my thoughts about Man and other Living Creatures thinking thus And how came Man and these other Living Creatures to have a Being surely think I they could neither Form nor Quicken themselves and if so then of necessity there must be some Cause of their Being and Living which is Higher and more Excellent than they which can thinks my Reason be no other but an Infinitely Glorious God And this said Reason in me might be Evinced not only by considering the Particulars already mentioned but by considering the Frame of the World and the strange Preservation of all things therein and the wonderful Government of the Second Causes wherewith the World abounds These and sundry others of the like Arguments proved so Strong and Nervous to convince me that of necessity there must be a God that that Temtation vanish'd The Devil perceiving himself foil'd in this attempt he sets furiously on me with Blasphemous Thoughts Representing God in such vile shapes and hideous and base Ideas to my Mind that were I to undergo the utmost of Misery that Creatures are capable of Inflicting or I capable of Suffering I do humbly hope in Christ's Strength I should unspeakably choose rather to be Rack'd to Death than but once to Name them so vile hideous and horrible were they Proceeding rather from the Enraged and Revengeful Malice of the Devil against the Majesty of God than from the Corruption and Pravity of Nature These things I do but glance or touch at not from any delight I take in the Remembrance of them But rather for the Relief of some poor Tempted Despairing Soul who probably may be conflicting with the same Fiery Assaults concluding within themselves as I often did that none belonging to God could ever be possess'd with such black and dismal Thoughts Oh! the gastliness and fearful Tremblings Oh! the Sweats and Weariness of my very Life which these Satanical Injections caused in me a sure and convincing Argument they were immediately from the Devil and none else The Sins flowing from the Pravity of Nature being commonly rather Pleasing and Delightful than Amazing and Terrifying to Nature In this sad Condition I continued so long till my very Animal Spirits were even drunk up and the Radical moisture of my Body wasted by that Burning Inflammation which I sensibly felt invade and possess my Body The pittiful and deplorable State I was in both in respect of my Soul which I found was Invaded by the Terrors of God for the breach of his Royal Law and as I verily concluded given up to Satan by God in a Judicial way to be possess'd by him As also in respect of my Body in which the sad Symptoms of my approaching Doom did as I verily thought hourly appear such as the growing and encreasing of that Burning Inflammation already mentioned Decay of my Sight which necessitated the use of Spectacles at the Age of 25 Years the loss of my Smelling and Tasting for about three Months with a great decay of my Hearing So gastly a sight was I to behold that I became a Spectacle of wonderment to all the Family where I Liv'd some concluding that I was Starved by my frequent Fastings others verily concluding that Spirits haunted me which caused in me such gastly looks and caused my Body to bend and bow towards Crookedness so heavy and Insupportable was the Load I lay under CHAP. IV. Discovering how the Spirit of Adoption Succeeded the spirit of Bondage And what Glorious effects ensued thereupon THE last Day of my Bondage State when I look'd for nothing but a going down to the nethermost Hell In the unconceiveable Horror and amazing Consternation of my Spirit there was a place of Scripture which run in my Thoughts from Morning to Bed-time The Place of Scripture was Esa 43. 25. I even I am he that Blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Remember thy Sins This Scripture got such hold of my Mind and Thoughts that albeit I no more understood the Sense or meaning of the Spirit of God in it or how it came into my Mind that Day than a Pagan that never knew any thing of the True God I could not possibly keep my Thoughts fixt on any thing all the Day but on that very Scripture Rolling and Tumbling the bare Words in my thoughts incessantly thus I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Rememberthy Sins I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Remember thy Sins And so all the Day till Bed-Time I was somewhat astonished at the Change which I found in my self in reference to my Thoughts about the Scriptures for whereas before during the State of my Spiritual Bondage which was between three and four Years I could think of no Scriptures but such as Treated of Damnation of Falling away and of Sinning against the Holy Ghost always applying the same to my self desperately concluding that my own Doom was in those Terrible Scriptures set forth and discovered I that Day forgot those Terrifying Scriptures and could as I said think of nothing but that Place in Esa 43. 25 above mentioned And that without the least apprehension what the Sence of the Spirit in these Words should be or how or wherefore that Scripture should make such a forceable entry on my Mind and Thoughts as to Eject and Banish from my Thoughts and Remembrance the other Terrible Scriptures By the wrong Application of which my State and Condition became as to my own Sense and Thoughts equal to that of the Damned At Night after my Lord had Supped and while the inferiour of the Family were Actually at Supper I stole my opportunity Resolving in my self that none should know where I was or suspect what I was about up Stairs I got without a Candle the Night being Moon-Shine I was all of a Sweat and a strange Horrour fell on me occasioned by the Conceit and Apprehension I had that the Devil accompanied me as a Man up Stairs whose Steppings along with mine I strongly imagined I heard which caused me to keep my Eyes closed for fear I should see the Devil in a visible Shape While I was unlocking