worldly wisdome with Heavenly wisdome carnal love for spiritual love servile fear for Christian and filial fear idle thoughts for holy thoughts vain words for holy and wholesome words fleshly works for works of righteousnesse even hating what I formerly loved and loving what I formerly hated But alas I have heard the Gospel day after day and year after year which is the strong arm of the Lord and the mighty power of God to salvation That is quick and powerfull and sharper than any two-edged-sword and yet stood it out and resisted Instead of submitting to Christs call even refusing the free offer of grace and salvation I have heard the word faithfully and powerfully preached for forty years yet remain'd in my natural condition unregenerate without which new birth there is no being saved as our Saviour affirms Joh. 3.5 I had not troden one step in the way to conversion for the first part of conversion is to love them that love God 1 Joh. 3.10 11 14. I should daily have grown in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ but I was so far from growing in grace that I had not one spark of grace or holinesse without which no man shall see the Lord Heb. 12 14. I was all for observing the second Table without respect to the first or all for outward conformity not at all for spiritual and inward holinesse of the heart Sect. XXXI Either what I did was not morally good for the matter or not well done for the manner nor to any right ends as out of duty and thankfulnesse to God and my Redeemer and out of love to my fellow members Without which the most glorious performances and rarest virtues are but shining sins or beautifull abominations Gods Glory was not my principal end nor to be saved my greatest care I was a good civil moral honest hypocrite or Infidel but none of these graces grew in the Garden of my heart I did not shine out as a light by a holy conversation to glorifie God and win others Now only to refrain evil except a man hates it also and does the contrary good is to be evil still because honesty without piety is but a body without a soul All my Religion was either superstition or formality or hypocrisie I had a form of godlinesse but denied the power thereof I often drew near unto God with my mouth and honoured him with my lips but my heart was far from him Isa 29.13 Mark 7.2 to 14. Matth. 15.7 to 10. All which considered viz. the means which God had afforded me and the little use I had made thereof left me in a far worse condition than the very heathen that never heard of Christ So that it was Gods unspeakable mercy that I am not at this present frying in Hell flames never to be freed God hath sent unto us all his Servants the Prophets rising up early and they have been instant in Preaching the Gospel both in season and out of season but my carnal heart hath ever been flint unto God wax to Satan you shall dye if you continue in the practice of sin I heard but you shall not dye as saith the Devil I believed Sect. XXXII Besides all this suppose I had none of these to answer for neither sins of Commission nor sins of Omission yet Original sin were enough to damn me no need of any more and yet my actual transgressions have been such and so many and my ingratitude therein so great that it might have sunk me down with shame and left me hopelesse of ever obtaining pardon for them As see but some small part of my monstrous and devilish ingratitude to so good a God so loving and mercifull a Saviour and Redeemer that hath done and suffer'd so much for me even more than can either be expressed or conceived by any heart were it as deep as the Sea Touching what God and Christ hath done for me in the first place he gave me my self and all the creatures to serve for my use yea he created me after his own Image in righteousnesse and holinesse and in perfect knowledg of the truth with a power to stand and for ever to continue in a most blessed and happy condition But this was nothing in comparison for when I was in a sad condition when I had forfeited all this and my self when by sin I had turned that Image of God into the Image of Satan and wilfully plunged my soul and body into eternal torments when I was become his enemy mortally hating him and to my utmost fighting against him and taking part with his only enemies sin and Satan not having the least thought or desire of reconcilement but a perverse and obstinate will to resist all means tending thereunto he did redeem me not only without asking but even against my will so making of me his cursed enemy a Servant of a Servant a Son of a Son an Heir and Co-heir with Christ Gal. 4.7 But how have I requited this so great so superlative a mercy All my recompence of Gods love unto me hath been to do that which he hates and to hate those whom he loves Christ the fountain of all good is my Lord by a manifold right and I his servant by all manner of obligations First He is my Lord by the right of Creation as being his workmanship made by him Secondly By the right of Redemption being his purchase bought by him Thirdly Of preservation being kept upheld and maintained by him Fourthly His by Vocation even of his family having admitted me a member of his visible Church Fifthly His also had it not been my own fault by sanctication whereby to possesse me Lastly He would have me of his Court by glorification that he might crown me so that I was every way his God had raised me from a beggar to a great estate but how did I requite him I would not if possible suffer a godly and conscientious Minister to be chosen or to abide where I had to do but to bring in one that would flatter sin and flout holiness discourage the godly and incourage the wicked I used both my own and all my friends utmost ability Much more might be mentioned but I fear to be tedious Now argue with all the world and they will conclude that there is no vice like ingratitude But I have been more ingratefull to God than can be exprest by the best Oratour alive It was horrible ingratitude in the Jews to scourge and crucifie Christ who did them good every way for he healed their diseases fed their bodies inlightened their minds of God became man and lived miserably amongst them many years that he might save their souls but they fell short of my ingratitude to God in that most of them were not in the least convinc'd that he was the Messias sent from God and promised from the beginning But I have not only denied this Lord that bought me but I hated
if you are truly sensible of your wretchednesse it is a good sign that you are in some forwardnesse to be recovered and really to become so good as formerly you but dream'd or imagined your self to be And indeed the very first step to grace is to feel the want of grace and the next way to receive mercy is to see your self miserable Therefore our constant and most diligent search should be to find out the naughtinesse of our own hearts and to get strength from God against our prevailing corruptions Sect. XXXVII Loose Libertine But is there any hope for one so wicked as I who have turned the grace of God into wantonesse applying Christs passion as a warrant for my licenciousnesse not as a remedy and taking his death at a licence to sin his cross as a Letters pattent to do mischief As if a man should head his drum of rebellion with his pardon For I have most spitefully and maliciously taken up arms against my Maker and fought against my Redeemer all my daies Convert Do but unfeignedly repent you of your sins and forsake your former evil waies and lay hold upon Christ by a true and lively faith my soul for yours God is very ready to forgive them be they never so many and innumerable for multitude never to hainous for quality and magnitude Yea I can shew yow your pardon from the great King of Heaven for all that is past the which you may read at large Isa 55.7 Ezek. 18.21 to 29. and 33.11 Joel 2.12 13 14. Yea read 1 Cor. 6.10 11 together with the story of Manasses Mary Magdelen the Thief and the Prodigal Son and you shall see presidents thereof Yea the very murtherers of the Son of God upon their serious and unfeigned repentance and stedfast believing in him received pardon and salvation And indeed despair is a sin which never knew Jesus True every sin deserves damnation but no sin shall condemn but the lying and continuing in it True Repentance is ever blest with forgiveness And know this that Gods mercy is greater than thy sin whatever it be you cannot be so infinite in sinning as he is infinite in pardoning if you repent yea sins upon repentance are so remitted as if they had never been committed I will put away thy transgressions as a cloud and thy sins as a mist Isa 44.22 And what by corruption hath been done by repentance is undone As the former examples witnesse Come and let us reason together saith the Lord though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow Isa 1.18 Yea whiter than snow For the Prophet David laying open his blood-guiltinesse and his original impurity useth these words Purge me with bysop and I shall be clean wash me and I shall be whiter than snow Psal 51.7 And in reason did Christ come to call sinners to repentance and shall he not shew mercy to the penitent Or who would not cast his burthen upon him that desires to give ease As I live saith the Lord I would not the death of a sinner Ezek. 18.32 and 33.11 Only apply not this salve before the ulcer be searched to the bottom Lay not hold upon mercy untill you be throughly humbled The only way to become good is first to believe that you are evil and by accusing our selves we prevent Satan By judging our selves we prevent God Are we as sick of sorrow as we are of sin then may we hopefully go to the Physician of our souls who came into the world only to cure the sick and to give light to them only who sit in darknesse and in the shadow of death God does not pour the oyl of grace but into a broken and contrite heart Wouldst thou get out of the miserable estate of nature into the blessed estate of grace and of Satans hondslave become the child of God and a member of Christ Wouldst thou truly know thine own heart and be very sensible how evil and wicked it is that so thou maist have a more humble conceit of thy self lay to heart these three particulars 1 The corruption of our nature by reason of Original Sin 2. Our manifold breach of Gods righteous Law by actual sin 3. The guilt and punishment due to us for them both This being done thou wilt see and find thy necessity of a Redeemer And it is thirst only that makes us relish our drink hunger our meat The full stomach of a Pharisee surcharged with the superfluities of his own merits will loath the honey-comb of Christs righteousnesse This was it which made the young Prodigal to relish even servants fare though before wanton when full fed at home No more relish feels the Pharisaical heart in Christs blood than in a chip But O how acceptable is the fountain of living waters to the chased hart panting and braying The blood of Christ to the weary and tyred soul to the thirsty conscience scorched with the sense of Gods wrath he that presents him with it now welcome is he even as a special choice man one of a thousand And the deeper the sense of misery is the sweeter the sense of mercy is Sect. XXXVIII Then if you would be satisfied for time to come whether your Repentance and conversion be true and sound these particulars will infallibly inform you If you shall persevere when this trouble for sin is over in doing that which now you purpose it is an infallible sign your repentance is sound otherwise not If thou dost call to mind the Vow which thou madst in Baptism and dost thy endeavour to perform that which then thou didst promise If thou dost square thy life according to the rule of Gods Word and not after the rudiments of the world If thou art willing to forsake all sin without reserving one for otherwise that one sin may prove the bane of all thy graces even as Gideon had seventy Sons and but one Bastard and yet that Bastard destroyed all the rest that were Legitimate Judg 9.5 Sin is like the Ivy in the wall cut off bough branch body stump yet some strings or other will sprout out again Till the root be pluck't up or the wall be pulled down and ruined it will never utterly die Regeneration or new birth is a creation of new qualities in the soul as being by nature only evil disposed Gods children are known by this mark they walk not after the flesh but after the spirit Rom. 8.1 If Christ have called you to his service your life will appear more spiritual and excellent than others As for your fails 't is a sign that sin hath not gained your consent but committed a rape upon your soul when you cry out to God If the ravished Virgin under the Law cried out she was pronounced guiltlesse A sheep may fall into the mire but a swine delights to wallow in the mire Great difference between a woman that is forced though she cries out and strives and an alluring Adulteresse Again
him yea most spitefully and maliciously fought on Satans and sins side against him and persecuted his children and the truth with all my might and all this against knowledge and conscience after some measure of illumination which cannot be affirmed of the Jews Yet miserable wretch that I was if I could have given him my body and soul they should have been saved by it but he were never the better for them Sect. XXXIII Lastly To tell you that which is more strange Notwithstanding all this that hath been mentioned and much more Yet I thought my self a good Christian forsooth yea with that young man in the Gospel I thought I had kept all the Commandements Nor was I a whit troubled for sin either original or actual but my conscience was at quiet and I was at peace neither did any sin trouble me Yea I would applaud my self with that Pharisee Luke 18.9 to 15. and say I was not like other men not once doubting of my salvation I ever refused to do what my Maker commanded and yet confidently hoped to escape what he threatned Nor did I doubt of having Christ my Redeemer and Advocate in the next life when I had been a bitter enemy to him and his members in this life Here was blindnesse with a witnesse as it is not to be believed how blind and blackish men are that have only the flesh for their guide especially if they have hardned their hearts and seared their consciences with a customary sinning As I could give you for instance a large catalogue of rare examples how sin hath besotted men and what starkfools carnal men are in spirital things be they never so wise for mundane knowledg But least it should be taken for a digression or excursion you shall have a list of them by themselves the which I will add as an Appendix to this Discourse or Dialogue In the mean time I have given you a brief of my manifold provocations and great ingratitude to my Maker and Redeemer for otherwise I might be endlesse in the prosecution thereof It remains that I should in like manner lay open my original defilement which is the fountain whence all the former whether sins of commission or sins of omission do flow But touching it be pleased to peruse that small Tract intituled A short and sure way to Grace and Salvation Or Three Fundamental Principles of Christian Religion by R. Y. from page 4. to page 10. Sect. XXXIV Loose Libertine If this hath been your case no wonder it hath startled you for to deal plainly with you as you have done with me what I have heard from you makes me also tremble For if such honest moral men that live so unreprovably as you had done go not to heaven what will become of me that have been openly Prophane and notoriously wicked all my time Yea it contented me not to do wickedly my self and so damne my own soul but I have been the occasion of drawing hundreds to Hell with me by seducing some and giving ill example to others the infection of sin being much worse than the act As how many have I drawn to be Drunkards and swearers and whoremongers and prophane persons insomuch that the blood of so many souls as I have drawn away will be required at my hands Yea my life hath been so debauched and licentious that I have brought a scandal upon the Gospel and made it odious to the very Turks and Infidels Rom. 2.24 Convert Alass what I did that was morally good or what evil I refrained was more for self-ends or more for fear of mens Laws than for love of Christs Gospel True I went under the notion of an honest man and a good Christian I was baptized into the faith and made a member of Christs vivisible Church but I was so far from indeavouring to perform what I then promised that in effect I even renounced both Christ and my Baptism in persecuting him and all that sincerely professed his Name thinking I did God good service therein Joh. 16.2 Gal. 1.13 14. Phil. 3.6 Nor was it for want of ignorance that you thought so of me for by nature be we never so milde and gentle we are all the seed of the Serpent Gen. 3.15 and children of the Devil Joh. 8.44 Yea the very best moral man is but a tame Devil as Athanasius well notes But it is a true proverb the blind eat many a flie and all colours are alike to him that is in the dark Loose Libertine So much the worse is my condition for my conscience tells me there is not a word you have spoken of your self but I can justly apply the same unto my own soul and a great deal more For whereas you have been a moral honest man so that none except your self could tax you for breaking either Gods Law or mans I have been so wicked and prophane that I could most presumptuosly and of set purpose take a pride in my wickednesse commit it with greedinesse speak for it defend it joy in it boast of it tempt and inforce to it yea mock them that disliked it As if I would send challenges into Heaven and make love to destruction and yet did applaud my self and prefer my own condition before other mens saying I was no dissembler yea I hated the hypocrisie of Professors I do not justifie my self and despise others like the Puritanes I am not factious schismatical singular censorious c. I am not rebellious nor contentious like the Brownists and Anabaptists I am a good fellow and love an honest man with my heart c. and as touching a good conscience I was never troubled in mind as many scrupulous fools are I have a good heart and mean as well as the precisest Bur now I see the Devil and my own deceitfull heart deluded me so that my whole life hither to hath been but a dream and that like a blind man I was running head long to Hell when yet I thought my self in the way to Heaven Just as if a beggar should dream that he were a King or as if a traitor should dream of his being crowned when indeed he was to be beheaded the case of Laodicea Rev. 3.17 the young man in the Gospel Luk. 18.20 21. and that Pharisee spoken of Luk. 18.11 12. Sect. XXXV Convert It was not your case alone but so it fares with the worst of sinners Only it much rejoyces me that it hath pleased God to open your eyes to see all this in your self For flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto you Yea we are naturally so blind and deaf and dead in sin and in soul that we can no more discern our spiritual filthinesse nor feel sin to be a burden than a blind Aethiopian can see his own blacknesse or than a dead-man can feel the weight of a burthen when it is laid upon him Act. 28.27 Isa 6.9 10 And this common experience shews for if you observe it who more