make_v to_o a_o window_n look_v into_o a_o pleasant_a garden_n i_o lean_v on_o the_o window_n with_o my_o elbow_n and_o so_o bear_v up_o my_o body_n from_o fall_v which_o otherwise_o have_v undoubted_o sink_v down_o under_o its_o present_a load_n and_o weight_n occasion_v by_o that_o temptation_n remain_v for_o some_o little_a space_n in_o a_o horrible_a tremble_v and_o amaze_a consternation_n of_o spirit_n i_o look_v out_o into_o the_o garden_n begin_v begin_v to_o consider_v and_o reason_n with_o myself_o thus_o how_o come_v these_o tree_n to_o grow_v thus_o orderly_o in_o this_o place_n who_o rear_v or_o build_v these_o sumptuous_a building_n sure_o not_o themselves_o why_o then_o think_v i_o if_o not_o themselves_o then_o of_o necessity_n they_o must_v spring_n from_o some_o cause_n high_a and_o more_o noble_a than_o themselves_o viz_o man._n then_o from_o the_o consideration_n of_o the_o tree_n and_o the_o building_n i_o begin_v to_o exercise_n my_o thought_n about_o man_n and_o other_o live_a creature_n think_v thus_o and_o how_o come_v man_n and_o these_o other_o live_v creature_n to_o have_v a_o be_v sure_o think_v i_o they_o can_v neither_o form_n nor_o quicken_v themselves_o and_o if_o so_o then_o of_o necessity_n there_o must_v be_v some_o cause_n of_o their_o be_v and_o live_v which_o be_v high_a and_o more_o excellent_a than_o they_o which_o can_v think_v my_o reason_n be_v no_o other_o but_o a_o infinite_o glorious_a god_n and_o this_o say_v reason_n in_o i_o may_v be_v evince_v not_o only_o by_o consider_v the_o particular_n already_o mention_v but_o by_o consider_v the_o frame_n of_o the_o world_n and_o the_o strange_a preservation_n of_o all_o thing_n therein_o and_o the_o wonderful_a government_n of_o the_o second_o cause_n wherewith_o the_o world_n abound_v these_o and_o sundry_a other_o of_o the_o like_a argument_n prove_v so_o strong_a and_o nervous_a to_o convince_v i_o that_o of_o necessity_n there_o must_v be_v a_o god_n that_o that_o temptation_n vanish_v the_o devil_n perceive_v himself_o foil_v in_o this_o attempt_n he_o set_v furious_o on_o i_o with_o blasphemous_a thought_n represent_v god_n in_o such_o vile_a shape_n and_o hideous_a and_o base_a idea_n to_o my_o mind_n that_o be_v i_o to_o undergo_v the_o utmost_a of_o misery_n that_o creature_n be_v capable_a of_o inflict_v or_o i_o capable_a of_o suffer_v i_o do_v humble_o hope_v in_o christ_n strength_n i_o shall_v unspeakable_o choose_v rather_o to_o be_v rack_v to_o death_n than_o but_o once_o to_o name_v they_o so_o vile_a hideous_a and_o horrible_a be_v they_o proceed_v rather_o from_o the_o enrage_a and_o revengeful_a malice_n of_o the_o devil_n against_o the_o majesty_n of_o god_n than_o from_o the_o corruption_n and_o pravity_n of_o nature_n these_o thing_n i_o do_v but_o glance_v or_o touch_n at_o not_o from_o any_o delight_n i_o take_v in_o the_o remembrance_n of_o they_o but_o rather_o for_o the_o relief_n of_o some_o poor_a tempt_v despair_v soul_n who_o probable_o may_v be_v conflict_v with_o the_o same_o fiery_a assault_n conclude_v within_o themselves_o as_o i_o often_o do_v that_o none_o belong_v to_o god_n can_v ever_o be_v possess_v with_o such_o black_a and_o dismal_a thought_n oh_o the_o gastliness_n and_o fearful_a tremble_n oh_o the_o sweat_v and_o weariness_n of_o my_o very_a life_n which_o these_o satanical_a injection_n cause_v in_o i_o a_o sure_a and_o convince_a argument_n they_o be_v immediate_o from_o the_o devil_n and_o none_o else_o the_o sin_n flow_v from_o the_o pravity_n of_o nature_n be_v common_o rather_o please_a and_o delightful_a than_o amaze_a and_o terrify_v to_o nature_n in_o this_o sad_a condition_n i_o continue_v so_o long_o till_o my_o very_a animal_n spirit_n be_v even_o drink_v up_o and_o the_o radical_a moisture_n of_o my_o body_n waste_v by_o that_o burn_a inflammation_n which_o i_o sensible_o feel_v invade_v and_o possess_v my_o body_n the_o pitiful_a and_o deplorable_a state_n i_o be_v in_o both_o in_o respect_n of_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o find_v be_v invade_v by_o the_o terror_n of_o god_n for_o the_o breach_n of_o his_o royal_a law_n and_o as_o i_o very_o conclude_v give_v up_o to_o satan_n by_o god_n in_o a_o judicial_a way_n to_o be_v possess_v by_o he_o as_o also_o in_o respect_n of_o my_o body_n in_o which_o the_o sad_a symptom_n of_o my_o approach_a doom_n do_v as_o i_o very_o think_v hourly_o appear_v such_o as_o the_o grow_a and_o increase_n of_o that_o burn_a inflammation_n already_o mention_v decay_n of_o my_o sight_n which_o necessitate_v the_o use_n of_o spectacle_n at_o the_o age_n of_o 25_o year_n the_o loss_n of_o my_o smell_a and_o taste_v for_o about_o three_o month_n with_o a_o great_a decay_n of_o my_o hear_v so_o ghastly_a a_o sight_n be_v i_o to_o behold_v that_o i_o become_v a_o spectacle_n of_o wonderment_n to_o all_o the_o family_n where_o i_o live_v some_o conclude_v that_o i_o be_v starve_v by_o my_o frequent_a fast_n other_o very_o conclude_v that_o spirit_n haunt_v i_o which_o cause_v in_o i_o such_o ghastly_a look_n and_o cause_v my_o body_n to_o bend_v and_o bow_n towards_o crookedness_n so_o heavy_a and_o insupportable_a be_v the_o load_n i_o lay_v under_o chap._n iu._n discover_v how_o the_o spirit_n of_o adoption_n succeed_v the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n and_o what_o glorious_a effect_n ensue_v thereupon_o the_o last_o day_n of_o my_o bondage_n state_n when_o i_o look_v for_o nothing_o but_o a_o go_v down_o to_o the_o nethermost_a hell_n in_o the_o unconceivable_a horror_n and_o amaze_a consternation_n of_o my_o spirit_n there_o be_v a_o place_n of_o scripture_n which_o run_v in_o my_o thought_n from_o morning_n to_o bedtime_n the_o place_n of_o scripture_n be_v esa_n 43._o 25._o i_o even_o i_o be_o he_o that_o blot_v out_o thy_o transgression_n for_o my_o own_o sake_n and_o will_v not_o remember_v thy_o sin_n this_o scripture_n get_v such_o hold_n of_o my_o mind_n and_o thought_n that_o albeit_o i_o no_o more_o understand_v the_o sense_n or_o meaning_n of_o the_o spirit_n of_o god_n in_o it_o or_o how_o it_o come_v into_o my_o mind_n that_o day_n than_o a_o pagan_a that_o never_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o the_o true_a god_n i_o can_v not_o possible_o keep_v my_o thought_n fix_v on_o any_o thing_n all_o the_o day_n but_o on_o that_o very_a scripture_n roll_v and_o tumble_a the_o bare_a word_n in_o my_o thought_n incessant_o thus_o i_o even_o i_o be_o he_o that_o blot_v out_o thy_o transgression_n for_o my_o own_o sake_n and_o will_v not_o rememberthy_n sin_n ay_o even_o i_o be_o he_o that_o blot_v out_o thy_o transgression_n for_o my_o own_o sake_n and_o will_v not_o remember_v thy_o sin_n and_o so_o all_o the_o day_n till_o bedtime_n i_o be_v somewhat_o astonish_v at_o the_o change_n which_o i_o find_v in_o myself_o in_o reference_n to_o my_o thought_n about_o the_o scripture_n for_o whereas_o before_o during_o the_o state_n of_o my_o spiritual_a bondage_n which_o be_v between_o three_o and_o four_o year_n i_o can_v think_v of_o no_o scripture_n but_o such_o as_o treat_v of_o damnation_n of_o fall_v away_o and_o of_o sin_v against_o the_o holy_a ghost_n always_o apply_v the_o same_o to_o myself_o desperate_o conclude_v that_o my_o own_o doom_n be_v in_o those_o terrible_a scripture_n set_v forth_o and_o discover_v i_o that_o day_n forget_v those_o terrify_a scripture_n and_o can_v as_o i_o say_v think_v of_o nothing_o but_o that_o place_n in_o esa_n 43._o 25_o above_o mention_v and_o that_o without_o the_o least_o apprehension_n what_o the_o sense_n of_o the_o spirit_n in_o these_o word_n shall_v be_v or_o how_o or_o wherefore_o that_o scripture_n shall_v make_v such_o a_o forceable_a entry_n on_o my_o mind_n and_o thought_n as_o to_o eject_v and_o banish_v from_o my_o thought_n and_o remembrance_n the_o other_o terrible_a scripture_n by_o the_o wrong_a application_n of_o which_o my_o state_n and_o condition_n become_v as_o to_o my_o own_o sense_n and_o thought_n equal_a to_o that_o of_o the_o damn_a at_o night_n after_o my_o lord_n have_v supp_v and_o while_o the_o inferior_a of_o the_o family_n be_v actual_o at_o supper_n i_o steal_v my_o opportunity_n resolve_v in_o myself_o that_o none_o shall_v know_v where_o i_o be_v or_o suspect_v what_o i_o be_v about_o up_o stair_n i_o get_v without_o a_o candle_n the_o night_n be_v moonshine_a i_o be_v all_o of_o a_o sweat_n and_o a_o strange_a horror_n fall_v on_o i_o occasion_v by_o the_o conceit_n and_o apprehension_n i_o have_v that_o the_o devil_n accompany_v i_o as_o a_o man_n up_o stair_n who_o step_n along_o with_o i_o i_o strong_o imagine_v i_o hear_v which_o cause_v i_o to_o keep_v my_o eye_n close_v for_o fear_v i_o shall_v see_v the_o devil_n in_o a_o visible_a shape_n while_o i_o be_v unlock_v
shall_v be_v a_o honour_n to_o the_o family_n and_o a_o man_n of_o no_o ordinary_a figure_n in_o the_o orb_n of_o the_o church_n chap._n iii_o set_v forth_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n seize_v i_o in_o the_o very_a height_n of_o my_o confidence_n of_o be_v in_o a_o good_a and_o sure_a state_n of_o salvation_n what_o sad_a work_n it_o make_v with_o i_o and_o what_o mean_v i_o use_v for_o help_n and_o relief_n under_o its_o kill_n and_o sink_a weight_n when_o i_o be_v about_o twenty_o one_o year_n of_o age_n in_o the_o very_a heat_n and_o height_n of_o my_o zeal_n in_o prosecute_a that_o righteousness_n consist_v of_o that_o negative_a and_o positive_a obedience_n which_o the_o law_n moral_n enjoin_v and_o require_v as_o the_o condition_n of_o life_n and_o salvation_n it_o please_v god_n to_o send_v forth_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n to_o seize_v i_o to_o the_o end_n i_o may_v be_v instruct_v and_o full_o convince_v how_o vain_a my_o confidence_n of_o be_v save_v and_o go_v to_o heaven_n in_o that_o self_n please_a way_n of_o legal_a righteousness_n be_v the_o manner_n of_o it_o be_v thus_o be_v on_o the_o day_n call_v easter_n monday_n at_o my_o cathedral_n devotion_n in_o the_o place_n call_v christ_n church_n in_o dublin_n a_o place_n i_o constant_o frequent_v to_o morning_n and_o evening_n service_n and_o a_o place_n which_o i_o more_o zaelous_o love_v and_o venerate_v than_o any_o place_n in_o the_o world_n beside_o for_o that_o i_o very_o conceit_v in_o myself_o it_o be_v as_o the_o very_a entrance_n into_o heaven_n itself_o after_o the_o service_n be_v end_v one_o dr._n golborn_n preach_v his_o text_n be_v in_o ephes_n 5._o 14._o wherefore_o he_o say_v awake_v thou_o that_o sleep_v and_o arise_v from_o the_o dead_a and_o christ_n shall_v give_v thou_o light_n a_o good_a and_o choice_a text_n but_o how_o well_o or_o ill_o handle_v i_o must_v acknowledge_v myself_o to_o have_v be_v at_o that_o time_n a_o very_a incompetent_a judge_n to_o say_v or_o determine_v about_o the_o middle_n of_o the_o sermon_n as_o near_o as_o i_o can_v guess_v there_o be_v dart_v into_o my_o mind_n this_o sad_a and_o kill_a thought_n viz._n that_o i_o have_v the_o day_n before_o receive_v the_o sacrament_n unworthy_o which_o sad_a thought_n be_v back_v with_o that_o of_o 1_o cor._n 11._o 29_o for_o he_o that_o eat_v and_o drink_v unworthy_o eat_v and_o drink_v damnation_n to_o himself_o not_o descern_v the_o lord_n body_n this_o sad_a and_o dismal_a thought_n back_v as_o i_o say_v with_o that_o scripture_n just_a now_o quote_v not_o any_o word_n speak_v by_o the_o preacher_n be_v that_o which_o seize_v my_o mind_n and_o let_v in_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n upon_o i_o no_o soon_o have_v i_o look_v this_o 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d oâ—_n forerunner_n of_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n in_o the_o face_n compare_v it_o with_o the_o place_n already_o mention_v but_o i_o conclude_v myself_o a_o lose_a and_o a_o undo_v man_n my_o spirit_n be_v in_o such_o a_o amaze_a fright_v and_o over_o whelming_a consternation_n to_o think_v that_o i_o be_v most_o certain_o damn_a to_o all_o intent_n and_o purpose_n that_o indeed_o i_o very_o think_v all_o the_o people_n in_o the_o place_n be_v a_o swarm_n or_o a_o legion_n of_o devil_n which_o god_n in_o revengeful_a wrath_n have_v send_v from_o the_o bottomless_a pit_n to_o guard_v and_o attend_v my_o guilty_a soul_n thither_o the_o apprehension_n i_o have_v of_o be_v damn_a and_o send_v to_o hell_n so_o rack_v and_o torment_v my_o spirit_n that_o i_o find_v myself_o unable_a to_o stay_v till_o sermon_n be_v end_v away_o i_o run_v out_o of_o that_o place_n to_o shun_v as_o i_o then_o think_v those_o swarm_n of_o devil_n which_o i_o strong_o conceive_v be_v to_o guard_v i_o to_o hell_n as_o soon_o as_o i_o come_v to_o my_o lord_n of_o santry_n where_o i_o than_o live_v i_o enter_v my_o chamber_n with_o a_o sad_a and_o heavy_a heart_n god_n know_v to_o my_o knee_n i_o go_v with_o a_o intent_n to_o pray_v if_o so_o be_v there_o may_v be_v any_o scrap_n of_o hope_n of_o my_o escape_v being_n eternal_o damn_a but_o alas_o what_o tongue_n or_o pen_n can_v relate_v the_o pass_n and_o condition_n i_o be_v then_o at_o my_o reason_n my_o conscience_n and_o my_o very_a speech_n be_v as_o it_o be_v plunge_v and_o drown_v in_o the_o gulf_n of_o despair_n so_o that_o i_o can_v neither_o utter_v a_o word_n in_o prayer_n nor_o yet_o consider_v what_o i_o shall_v do_v to_o relieve_v my_o bleed_a soul_n in_o that_o sore_a distress_n i_o dare_v not_o abide_v in_o my_o chamber_n fear_v to_o see_v and_o feel_v the_o devil_n actual_o to_o seize_v i_o to_o the_o minister_n of_o the_o parish_n i_o go_v from_o who_o hand_n i_o receive_v the_o sacrament_n but_o the_o day_n before_o not_o know_v but_o that_o he_o may_v administer_v some_o kind_n of_o relief_n to_o one_o in_o my_o condition_n he_o observe_v the_o gastliness_n of_o my_o look_n and_o take_v notice_n that_o somewhat_o ail_v i_o he_o ask_v i_o how_o i_o do_v to_o which_o i_o can_v not_o reply_v he_o press_v to_o know_v what_o the_o matter_n be_v i_o at_o length_n in_o a_o very_a abrupt_a and_o break_a manner_n tell_v he_o that_o i_o be_v full_a of_o the_o apprehension_n and_o fear_n that_o i_o be_v a_o damn_a man_n and_o that_o there_o be_v no_o hope_n of_o mercy_n for_o such_o a_o one_o as_o i_o be_v the_o minister_n somewhat_o surprise_v at_o so_o sudden_a and_o so_o great_a a_o change_n since_o but_o the_o day_n before_o he_o begin_v to_o examine_v what_o great_a and_o heinous_a sin_n one_o of_o my_o age_n and_o one_o in_o so_o encourage_v circumstance_n as_o i_o be_v in_o can_v be_v guilty_a of_o which_o shall_v occasion_v such_o sad_a despair_n he_o mention_v some_o text_n of_o scripture_n thereby_o hope_v to_o have_v give_v some_o relief_n to_o my_o weary_a gasp_a soul_n but_o all_o in_o vain_a god_n time_n of_o heal_v i_o be_v not_o yet_o come_v and_o find_v by_o my_o frequent_a come_n to_o he_o for_o ease_n and_o comfort_n to_o how_o little_a purpose_n he_o have_v labour_v with_o i_o he_o at_o length_n advise_v i_o to_o ride_v into_o the_o country_n to_o visit_v my_o father_n and_o other_o relation_n and_o by_o that_o mean_n as_o also_o by_o exercise_v myself_o with_o such_o exercise_n as_o i_o former_o delight_v in_o as_o shoot_v with_o the_o gun_n and_o angle_a to_o divert_v my_o melancholy_a thought_n this_o i_o be_v glad_a to_o hear_v of_o my_o own_o inclination_n lead_v so_o strong_o to_o it_o in_o order_n to_o the_o effect_n of_o which_o i_o address_v myself_o to_o my_o lord_n housekeeper_n entreat_v she_o to_o acquaint_v my_o lord_n that_o in_o regard_n of_o some_o present_a indisposition_n under_o which_o i_o labour_v and_o in_o order_n to_o my_o health_n i_o have_v not_o only_o a_o inclination_n but_o be_v advise_v to_o visit_v my_o father_n in_o the_o country_n in_o order_n whereto_o i_o think_v it_o convenient_a to_o acquaint_v his_o lordship_n therewith_o to_o the_o end_n i_o may_v obtain_v not_o only_o his_o lordship_n free_a consent_n but_o also_o the_o liberty_n of_o a_o horse_n to_o perform_v my_o intend_a journey_n the_o housekeeper_n no_o soon_o deliver_v my_o request_n to_o my_o lord_n but_o my_o lord_n command_v she_o to_o call_v i_o up_o into_o his_o chamber_n as_o soon_o as_o i_o receive_v the_o command_n i_o fall_v immediate_o into_o a_o great_a sweat_n and_o sore_o tremble_v up_o i_o go_v and_o be_v enter_v into_o the_o chamber_n my_o lord_n lock_v the_o chamber_n door_n and_o lay_v his_o hat_n on_o a_o cabinet_n sit_v down_o in_o his_o chair_n and_o with_o a_o earnest_n and_o pierce_a eye_n look_v on_o a_o pretty_a while_n before_o he_o speak_v i_o all_o the_o while_n sweat_v and_o quake_v at_o length_n my_o lord_n begin_v with_o james_n what_o ail_v you_o what_o be_v the_o matter_n i_o hear_v you_o go_v private_o to_o minister_n there_o be_v somewhat_o ail_v you_o what_o be_v it_o i_o perceive_v by_o my_o lord_n discourse_n that_o the_o minister_n of_o the_o parish_n have_v acquaint_v my_o lord_n with_o my_o case_n i_o find_v myself_o far_o more_o uneasy_a than_o before_o my_o sweat_n and_o trembleing_n of_o soul_n increase_a upon_o i_o my_o lord_n continue_v query_v what_o ail_v you_o james_n tell_v i_o what_o be_v the_o matter_n i_o be_v so_o overwhelm_v in_o my_o spirit_n that_o my_o speech_n be_v swallow_v up_o as_o job_n say_v job_n 6._o 3._o but_o my_o lord_n not_o let_v i_o alone_o but_o with_o earnest_a importunity_n press_v to_o know_v what_o i_o ail_v i_o at_o length_n as_o a_o poor_a condemn_a caitiff_n hang_v by_o a_o
case_n to_o be_v altogether_o desperate_a and_o hopeless_a it_o be_v not_o to_o be_v tell_v by_o tongue_n or_o pen_n what_o soul_n conflict_n and_o agony_n accompany_v i_o wherever_o i_o go_v and_o whatever_o i_o set_v about_o insomuch_o that_o they_o become_v frequent_a and_o familiar_a to_o i_o in_o the_o very_a night_n vision_n the_o devil_n hell_n damnation_n with_o the_o manner_n how_o the_o wicked_a be_v handle_v in_o hell_n be_v thing_n very_o often_o present_v to_o my_o fancy_n in_o those_o short_a and_o torment_a slumber_n whereinto_o i_o fall_v yea_o i_o have_v sometime_o dream_v that_o i_o have_v see_v and_o feel_v myself_o in_o hell_n among_o the_o damn_a tumble_v and_o sink_v down_o deep_o and_o deep_o feel_v no_o bottom_n which_o have_v occasion_v i_o often_o to_o think_v of_o job_n case_n of_o which_o he_o bitter_o complain_v job_n 7._o 14._o then_o thou_o scare_v i_o with_o dream_n and_o terrify_v i_o with_o vision_n as_o it_o be_v with_o job_n so_o it_o be_v with_o i_o when_o i_o have_v be_v even_o spend_v with_o the_o conflict_n and_o temptation_n of_o the_o day_n i_o think_v sometime_o and_o hope_v at_o least_o that_o my_o bed_n and_o sleep_n will_v something_o ease_v and_o lessen_v my_o pain_n and_o inward_a horror_n of_o mind_n but_o woe_n and_o alas_o i_o be_v never_o weary_a of_o the_o fatigue_n of_o the_o day_n than_o i_o be_v of_o the_o restless_a toss_n of_o the_o night_n and_o that_o because_o of_o those_o dream_n and_o vision_n which_o do_v as_o it_o be_v realize_v the_o thing_n themselves_o to_o my_o mind_n the_o consternation_n into_o which_o those_o soul_n afflict_v vision_n do_v put_v i_o do_v often_o startle_v i_o out_o of_o my_o sleep_n and_o cause_v in_o i_o restless_a long_n for_o daylight_n and_o that_o because_o i_o can_v not_o employ_v my_o thought_n about_o any_o thing_n but_o what_o have_v a_o tendency_n to_o augment_v my_o despair_n and_o misery_n my_o thought_n run_v out_o and_o fix_v upon_o the_o sin_n of_o my_o youth_n think_v how_o many_o and_o black_a they_o be_v call_v to_o mind_n the_o advances_n i_o have_v former_o make_v in_o the_o way_n of_o strict_a and_o zealous_a religion_n and_o what_o method_n and_o way_n i_o have_v use_v to_o get_v healing_n and_o comfort_n and_o all_o in_o vain_a and_o to_o no_o purpose_n and_o that_o because_o as_o i_o conclude_v god_n have_v give_v i_o up_o to_o be_v a_o prey_n to_o the_o enemy_n sometime_o in_o the_o night_n when_o i_o can_v not_o seep_v i_o hear_v dog_n howl_v and_o cry_v piteous_o in_o the_o cold_a wether_n this_o i_o apprehend_v be_v a_o lively_a represent_v to_o the_o ear_n the_o skreeks_n and_o roar_n of_o the_o damn_a in_o hell_n thus_o be_v they_o in_o those_o eternal_a flame_n and_o so_o shall_v i_o ever_o long_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v but_o see_v one_o glimpse_n of_o the_o morning_n light_n but_o woe_n be_v i_o deserted_n and_o forsake_v of_o god_n i_o shall_v be_v with_o the_o damn_a in_o that_o place_n of_o torment_n before_o morning_n i_o shall_v never_o see_v light_n well_o when_o contrary_a to_o my_o foolish_a and_o wicked_a thought_n and_o expectation_n i_o have_v live_v to_o see_v the_o morning_n light_n i_o will_v then_o begin_v to_o reason_n and_o query_n with_o myself_o what_o i_o have_v so_o earnest_o desire_v the_o day_n for_o my_o day_n of_o grace_n be_v certain_o pass_v and_o go_v there_o be_v no_o mercy_n in_o store_n for_o such_o a_o one_o as_o i_o be_o all_o the_o help_n and_o mean_n of_o grace_n which_o have_v have_v a_o blessing_n attend_v they_o for_o special_a good_a to_o other_o be_v attend_v with_o a_o curse_n to_o i_o i_o be_o a_o reprobate_n in_o vain_a it_o be_v to_o pray_v any_o more_o or_o spend_v any_o more_o time_n in_o the_o duty_n of_o religion_n i_o have_v have_v sad_a experience_n of_o that_o under_o this_o weight_n will_v i_o lie_v in_o my_o bed_n conclude_v it_o altogether_o in_o vain_a to_o arise_v to_o engage_v in_o any_o duty_n this_o temptation_n so_o far_o prevail_v that_o i_o do_v for_o a_o time_n refrain_v prayer_n and_o neglect_v other_o duty_n of_o religion_n from_o my_o conclude_v that_o i_o belong_v not_o to_o god_n i_o find_v myself_o like_o a_o dead_a log_n as_o if_o i_o have_v neither_o life_n nor_o soul_n leave_v in_o i_o i_o expect_v certain_o every_o hour_n nay_o each_o minute_n nay_o every_o breath_n i_o fetch_v to_o be_v hurry_v away_o into_o the_o place_n and_o company_n of_o the_o damn_a which_o cause_v in_o i_o such_o amazement_n and_o unusual_a horror_n that_o i_o will_v creep_v like_o a_o condemn_a malefactor_n into_o the_o chimney_n corner_n among_o the_o company_n there_o resolve_v to_o stay_v while_o any_o stay_v there_o on_o purpose_n to_o avoid_v and_o shun_v those_o damn_a spirit_n who_o i_o expect_v every_o twinkle_a of_o a_o eye_n to_o see_v among_o my_o sad_a and_o despair_a thought_n concern_v the_o ineffectualness_n of_o all_o mean_n and_o duty_n to_o do_v i_o good_a there_o do_v come_v into_o my_o thought_n a_o passage_n which_o i_o have_v read_v in_o some_o author_n who_o name_n i_o have_v forget_v it_o be_v this_o viz._n that_o there_o be_v different_a degree_n of_o torment_n among_o the_o damn_a in_o hell_n this_o thing_n i_o fix_v my_o thought_n on_o so_o long_o till_o i_o do_v hence_o infer_v and_o conclude_v that_o see_v there_o be_v different_a degree_n of_o torment_n among_o the_o damn_a in_o hell_n and_o that_o the_o damn_a exceed_v each_o other_o in_o the_o degree_n of_o sin_n must_v necessary_o be_v the_o ground_n and_o foundation_n of_o such_o a_o difference_n i_o conclude_v that_o the_o less_o sin_n i_o commit_v the_o less_o will_v be_v my_o torment_n in_o hell_n now_o every_o omission_n of_o duty_n think_v i_o as_o well_o as_o do_v what_o be_v positive_o forbid_v in_o the_o moral_a law_n be_v a_o sin_n against_o god_n and_o therefore_o to_o make_v my_o chain_n the_o light_a in_o hell_n i_o be_o resolve_v against_o all_o know_a sin_n and_o according_o i_o fall_v to_o work_n again_o perceive_v in_o myself_o no_o other_o motive_n or_o inducement_n hereto_o but_o mere_o expect_v and_o hope_v that_o by_o this_o mean_n my_o be_v in_o hell_n will_v be_v make_v more_o tolerable_a and_o easy_a than_o that_o of_o other_o reprobate_n by_o this_o very_a thing_n it_o will_v easy_o be_v understand_v how_o near_o i_o be_v to_o final_a despair_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n and_o apprehension_n but_o among_o all_o the_o combat_n and_o conflict_n i_o meet_v with_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o bondage_n none_o more_o rack_v and_o torment_v my_o spirit_n than_o those_o hideous_a and_o abominable_a thought_n which_o by_o the_o devil_n be_v like_o fiery_n and_o poison_a arrow_n inject_v into_o my_o mind_n sometime_o against_o the_o holy_a scripture_n as_o that_o they_o be_v not_o the_o word_n of_o god_n but_o the_o cunning_a and_o politic_a invention_n of_o man_n devise_v and_o contrive_v by_o some_o to_o awe_n and_o keep_v other_o in_o subjection_n this_o temptation_n cause_v no_o small_a anguish_n and_o perturbation_n in_o my_o mind_n but_o do_v not_o continue_v long_o for_o though_o sad_a and_o desperate_a i_o think_v my_o case_n to_o be_v i_o be_v enable_v to_o consider_v what_o a_o mighty_a power_n go_v along_o with_o the_o scripture_n in_o discover_v my_o most_o secret_a corruption_n and_o put_v my_o conscience_n and_o spirit_n into_o such_o fear_n of_o what_o will_v ensue_v in_o case_n i_o do_v not_o cofess_v and_o forsake_v they_o this_o very_a consideration_n viz._n that_o the_o word_n which_o discover_v to_o i_o my_o vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o condemn_v the_o ill_a life_n i_o have_v lead_v and_o that_o lay_v i_o under_o such_o captivate_a horror_n and_o fear_n for_o the_o same_o must_v needs_o be_v the_o word_n of_o a_o infinite_a all-knowing_a and_o powerful_a god_n do_v foil_n and_o repel_v that_o temptation_n no_o soon_o have_v the_o first_o temptation_n be_v over_o but_o a_o second_o immediate_o ensue_v which_o be_v that_o there_o be_v no_o such_o thing_n as_o a_o god_n in_o nature_n and_o that_o man_n believe_v and_o profess_v the_o be_v of_o a_o god_n be_v more_o from_o use_n of_o custom_n and_o from_o the_o strong_a work_n of_o fancy_n than_o from_o any_o real_a truth_n ground_v on_o sensible_a experience_n oh_o the_o sad_a concussion_n this_o temptation_n give_v to_o the_o power_n of_o nature_n i_o be_v so_o strange_o influence_v by_o it_o that_o i_o solemn_o prosess_v i_o feel_v myself_o sink_v and_o and_o just_a totter_a to_o fall_v off_o my_o foot_n all_o over_o in_o a_o muck_n sweat_n with_o a_o strange_a shiver_a and_o tremble_v in_o all_o the_o power_n and_o part_n of_o soul_n and_o body_n but_o
the_o chamber_n door_n i_o find_v the_o horror_n and_o fright_v under_o which_o i_o labour_v great_o to_o increase_v the_o devil_n suggest_v that_o he_o will_v either_o pull_v i_o back_o from_o enter_v into_o the_o chamber_n or_o else_o that_o he_o will_v enter_v along_o with_o i_o to_o hinder_v or_o distract_v i_o in_o my_o intend_v devotion_n all_o this_o while_n the_o place_n of_o scripture_n above_o mention_v run_v still_o in_o my_o thought_n as_o before_o be_v enter_v into_o my_o chamber_n all_o in_o a_o sweat_n and_o unusual_a consternation_n of_o spirit_n i_o stand_v before_o the_o bedside_n where_o i_o use_v to_o kneel_v in_o pray_v and_o with_o my_o eye_n close_v as_o i_o be_v take_v myself_o to_o task_n endeavour_v to_o recollect_v my_o memory_n where_o i_o have_v be_v all_o that_o day_n with_o what_o company_n i_o have_v converse_v what_o duty_n i_o have_v know_o omit_v and_o what_o immorality_n i_o have_v any_o way_n consent_v to_o all_o on_o a_o sudden_a i_o find_v the_o eye_n of_o my_o understanding_n so_o clear_o enlighten_v that_o i_o be_v enable_v to_o know_v and_o understand_v the_o meaning_n of_o that_o place_n of_o scripture_n which_o run_v all_o that_o day_n in_o my_o thought_n a_o scripture_n than_o which_o the_o whole_a book_n of_o god_n can_v not_o afford_v a_o more_o suitable_a text_n for_o the_o design_n therein_o which_o be_v to_o debase_v the_o creature_n and_o to_o extol_v and_o to_o advance_v the_o grace_n and_o mercy_n of_o the_o most_o high_a jehovah_n who_o alone_o exclude_v all_o other_o be_v god_n over_o all_o bless_v for_o evermore_o i_o be_v from_o the_o time_n of_o my_o first_o awaken_n as_o above_o mention_v possess_v of_o a_o opinion_n that_o conversion_n consist_v in_o a_o external_n or_o outward_a reformation_n of_o the_o life_n and_o that_o it_o be_v in_o the_o power_n of_o the_o creature_n to_o effect_v the_o same_o and_o that_o by_o repent_v of_o the_o bypass_a folly_n of_o youth_n and_o by_o a_o strenuous_a and_o zealous_a constancy_n in_o walk_v strict_o according_a to_o the_o precept_n of_o the_o moral_a law_n both_o negative_o and_o positive_o for_o the_o time_n to_o come_v i_o be_v then_o under_o the_o predominancy_n of_o a_o legal_a spirit_n and_o act_v under_o the_o covenant_n of_o work_n look_v with_o the_o bond-womans_n child_n for_o justification_n and_o life_n eternal_a in_o the_o way_n of_o work_n reckon_v it_o the_o only_a sure_a and_o safe_a way_n to_o expect_v salvation_n by_o perform_v the_o conditinal_a covenant_n of_o work_n and_o abound_v in_o such_o personal_a qulification_n as_o may_v render_v i_o acceptable_a to_o god_n of_o which_o i_o have_v often_o think_v i_o have_v as_o great_a measure_n as_o any_o he_o i_o know_v live_v i_o shall_v not_o insist_v on_o the_o particular_n of_o those_o inherent_a qualification_n wherein_o i_o be_o apt_a to_o believe_v i_o do_v match_v if_o not_o out_o strip_v the_o strict_a moralist_n i_o know_v who_o be_v yet_o in_o his_o natural_a state_n in_o short_a i_o be_v exceed_v zealous_a in_o the_o law_n not_o in_o the_o least_o understand_v the_o spiritual_a meaning_n thereof_o or_o how_o miserable_o wretched_a i_o be_v by_o reason_n of_o its_o condemn_v sentence_n against_o not_o only_o my_o worst_a but_o also_o against_o my_o most_o refine_a act_n of_o morality_n i_o do_v then_o as_o too_o to_o many_o do_v at_o this_o day_n of_o gospel_n light_n viz._n set_v up_o the_o letter_n of_o the_o law_n in_o opposition_n to_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o law_n but_o so_o it_o please_v god_n that_o by_o his_o enable_v i_o to_o understand_v the_o mind_n of_o his_o spirit_n in_o that_o text_n i_o soon_o become_v convince_v that_o i_o have_v take_v wrong_a method_n in_o order_n to_o get_v from_o under_o the_o law_n curse_v and_o to_o have_v a_o settle_a peace_n in_o myself_o the_o course_n i_o have_v take_v for_o relieve_v my_o wound_a and_o sink_a spirit_n i_o perceive_v to_o be_v direct_o contrary_a to_o the_o gospel_n way_n of_o save_a lose_v sinner_n i_o be_v all_o for_o do_v and_o work_v and_o the_o more_o work_v i_o do_v the_o far_o i_o find_v myself_o from_o true_a peace_n and_o comfort_n my_o chief_a and_o only_o work_v now_o be_v believe_v in_o the_o son_n of_o god_n in_o who_o alone_o that_o righteousness_n be_v to_o be_v find_v which_o reconcile_v a_o sinner_n to_o a_o offend_a god_n from_o that_o text_n above_o mention_v the_o covenant_n of_o god_n free_a grace_n in_o christ_n be_v explain_v and_o lay_v open_a before_o the_o eye_n of_o my_o enlighten_v understanding_n the_o term_n whereof_o i_o find_v be_v as_o far_o wide_a of_o or_o contrary_a to_o the_o way_n to_o which_o the_o covenant_n of_o work_n direct_v for_o attain_v life_n eternal_a as_o the_o east_n be_v from_o the_o west_n or_o as_o heaven_n be_v from_o hell_n the_o work_n of_o the_o spirit_n in_o discover_v christ_n to_o i_o from_o that_o text_n and_o his_o draw_v i_o to_o close_v with_o christ_n so_o discover_v be_v so_o full_a of_o amaze_a and_o astonish_a wonderment_n and_o surprise_v ravishment_n of_o soul_n that_o i_o be_o no_o mroe_n able_a to_o express_v or_o relate_v the_o same_o than_o i_o be_o able_a to_o find_v out_o the_o dimension_n of_o the_o sun_n or_o to_o give_v a_o exact_a account_n of_o the_o number_n of_o the_o star_n there_o be_v hold_v as_o it_o be_v a_o court_n of_o enquiry_n in_o my_o soul_n the_o holy_a ghost_n which_o before_o be_v the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n wound_v and_o kill_v i_o by_o the_o terrible_a sentence_n of_o the_o law_n he_o be_v become_v the_o spirit_n of_o adoption_n to_o consummate_v a_o sweet_a and_o bless_a marriage_n between_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n god_n only_a son_n by_o eternal_a and_o ineffable_a generation_n and_o a_o poor_a lose_v and_o undo_v prodigal_a who_o as_o adam_n child_n be_v bear_v heir_n of_o the_o curse_n partaker_n of_o a_o nature_n as_o vile_a and_o polute_v as_o hell_n itself_o can_v make_v it_o and_o who_o case_n and_o condition_n in_o respect_n of_o inward_a horror_n and_o despair_v of_o soul_n differ_v but_o little_a at_o least_o as_o i_o think_v and_o believe_v from_o that_o of_o the_o damn_a in_o hell_n six_o thing_n this_o bless_a spirit_n of_o adoption_n do_v effect_v in_o order_n to_o consummate_v this_o match_n first_o he_o discover_v and_o make_v know_v to_o i_o who_o the_o lord_n jesus_n hold_v forth_o in_o the_o gospel_n be_v from_o whence_o he_o come_v and_o to_o what_o end_n the_o father_n send_v he_o second_o he_o make_v plain_a discovery_n to_o i_o of_o christ_n almightiness_n to_o save_o and_o reconcile_v to_o god_n the_o worst_a and_o most_o wretched_a of_o sinner_n and_o that_o the_o righteousness_n which_o he_o as_o mediator_n between_o god_n and_o sinner_n have_v wrought_v be_v the_o alone_a righteousness_n by_o which_o a_o sinner_n be_v to_o be_v save_v and_o that_o in_o a_o way_n of_o believe_v though_o not_o for_o believe_v that_o god_n for_o the_o sake_n and_o merit_n of_o his_o son_n obedience_n to_o the_o law_n both_o active_a and_o passive_a do_v frank_o and_o free_o pardon_v and_o forgive_v the_o poor_a rebel_n transgression_n commit_v against_o the_o moral_a law_n as_o if_o he_o have_v never_o commit_v they_o and_o account_v the_o whole_a of_o that_o righteousness_n of_o christ_n both_o active_a and_o passive_a as_o true_o the_o sinner_n as_o if_o the_o sinner_n have_v personal_o perform_v the_o same_o himself_o and_o that_o in_o a_o way_n of_o free_a imputation_n three_o he_o persuade_v my_o heart_n that_o god_n the_o father_n against_o who_o law_n i_o have_v sin_v and_o who_o anger_n and_o curse_n for_o the_o same_o i_o fear_v be_v real_o willing_a and_o desirous_a that_o i_o shall_v be_v reconcile_v to_o himself_o by_o the_o virtue_n of_o his_o son_n mediation_n and_o that_o by_o my_o betake_v myself_o to_o he_o and_o cast_v my_o weary_a and_o sink_a soul_n on_o he_o to_o be_v introduce_v into_o his_o presence_n and_o by_o his_o spotless_a comeliness_n put_v on_o i_o i_o may_v be_v make_v amiable_a and_o acceptable_a in_o his_o sight_n four_o he_o discover_v to_o i_o and_o persuade_v my_o heart_n of_o the_o full_a and_o complete_a provision_n make_v by_o god_n and_o make_v know_v in_o the_o covenant_n of_o grace_n for_o the_o make_v complete_o and_o eternal_o happy_a those_o soul_n who_o be_v by_o christ_n his_o son_n believe_v and_o rely_v on_o for_o salvation_n reconcile_v to_o his_o majesty_n in_o respect_n of_o these_o and_o the_o like_a discovery_n which_o the_o holy_a ghost_n make_v to_o the_o elect_n in_o effectual_a call_v and_o between_o that_o and_o their_o arrive_v at_o glory_n he_o be_v style_v the_o spirit_n of_o manifestation_n and_o of_o revelation_n 1_o cor._n 12._o