Ordinanâ—â— of the Lords Supper Prov. 8.34 Blessed arâ— they that watch daily at my gates waiting aâ— the posts of my door Mat. 20.15 Is it noâ— lawfull for me to do what I will with my owâ—â— This cheeked me and made me willing to waâ— at that time But this is my comfort God 〈◊〉 unchangeable who I trust wil carry me througâ— all the difficulties I shall met with here belowâ— and I trust will ere long bring me to the eâ—joyment of himself where I shall be past siâ—ning and sorrowing And as a further testâ—mony of my interest in Christ by the effects 〈◊〉 my Faith I have these Evidences First My love to God which is greater thâ— to any thing in the world besides and my Gâ— hath left it upon record that he loves them thâ— love him Prov. 8.17 I know my love is nâ— so great as it should be but I am sure nâ— greatest grief is that I can love him no betteâ— and in this case God will accept the will 〈◊〉 the deed Secondly I know my love is sincere by thâ— because I love the Children of God for as is 1 Iohn 5.1 Every one that loveth hiâ— that begot loveth him also that is begotten 〈◊〉 him and by this I know that I love thâ— children of God because I love God so thaâ— this is another evidence that I am passed froâ— death to life even because I love the brethren 1 Iohn 3.14 Thirdly I can appeal to the Lord who is the searcher of hearts that the breathings of my soul are chiefly after holiness that I might be more like unto the Lord Iesus my desire is to serve God in all things and to have a real and hearty respect unto all Gods commandments I desire if it were possible that I might never sin more but rather that I might behave my self in all holy conversation as one that hath indeed and in truth experienced how good and gracious the Lord is I bless God I can truly say that my hottest conflicts are against those sins which are obvious only to the eye of God even my sinful thoughts though they come not into action O many a sad heart have I had when I have considered the vileness of my thoughts and yet have been unblameable in my conversation and this is still my daily sorrow and therefore I trust they shall never be my ruine but that the Lord will shortly reâ—oyce the heart of his poor servant in giving me the victory over these and all my other inbred corruptions which have so often made a separation between my dear Lord and my poor soul Fourthly I find a great change in any heart as touching the Word of God for where heretofore like a wretch as I was I esteemed a playbook before it now blessed the Lord I prize it before all other and good reason have I for it for by it hath the Lord quickned mâ— and therefore as long as I live I will give uâ— my self to walk according to the rule of it beginâ— the spirit of God to open the mystery of it to mâ— that so I might not only have the Letter bâ— the very mind of Christ Fifthly I see nothing in my self that makâ— me more worthy of salvation than another know that I have deserved to lye in flames 〈◊〉 well as any that are now in the place of tormenâ— and that nothing but mercy hath stept betweâ— my soul and everlasting burnings and therâ—fore I heartily wish that I might always admiring of this free grace of God in chusâ—â— me before the foundation of the world was laâ— so unworthy a creature as I am to set his lâ— upon me and let go so many thousands tâ— were more capable to bring Glory to his naâ— than â— am O the height and depth aâ— breadth and length of this love of God in Châ— Iesus which hath abounded to me a poor aâ— unworthy creature â— it is indeed such a love passeth knowledge and therefore I can noâ— sufficiently admire it whilst I am here in body which makes me long to be dissolvâ— that so I might know it more clearly and swallowed up in the eternal admiration of Amen And these are my principles which I trâ— I shall hold fast even to my death 1. I believe that the Scriptures contained in the Old and New Testament are the word of God written by the Prophets and holy men as they were inspired by God to be the rule of Faith and life to his people I believe all that God in his word wills me to believe being perswaded by the spirit of God concerning the truth of it I believe that there is one only eternal God who hath his Being from himself and hath given a Being to all his Creatures both in heaven and earth and under the earth and from eternity to eternity doth whatsoever he will I believe that this eternal God-head is distinguished into three Persons the Father begetting the Son begotten and the holy Ghost proceeding from them both I believe that God created man in his own image in righteousness and holiness giving him dominion over all the Creatures and likewise gave him liberty to continue in this happy condition if he would but he having liberty to stand or to fall in his own hands quickly lost that happiness which God had instated him in by yeilding to the inticements of Satan so that breaking the commands of God he brought a curse upon himself and all his posterity so that all mankind by nature are now in a miserable condition children of wrath heirs of Hell c. And I do believe that God from all eternity knew what man would do when he had created him so that Adam's fall did but usher in as it were a greater blessedness for I do believe there hath been an eternal Covenant between the Father and the Son in the electing some to life even before the foundation of the earth was said so that no sooner had man fallen but God promised a Saviour even the Lord Iesus Christ who in his divine nature is in all things equal with God the Father and that such was his exceeding love and pity to poor lost creatures that had broken his commands and said themselves liable to the Curse that rather then they should perish he hath laid aside the Robes of his glory and took upon him the nature of man but without sin and that he was conceived by the holy Ghost born of a Virgin and while he was on earth was loaded with reproaches and scorns and did at last suffer upon the cross for the sins of his Elect where he bore the weight of Gods wrath in his Soul by his heaviness in his Agony and satisfied the Iustice of God in his body which was crucified till he dyed and I believe that he was buried and that the third day he rose again from the dead having conquered sin death and hell for believers and that he was seen of his Disciples and others
THE EXPERIENCES OF God's Gracious Dealing WITH Mrs. Elizabeth White Late Wife of Mr. Thomas White of Coldecot in the County of Bucks As they were written under her own hand and found in her Closet after her decease she dying in Child-bed Decemb. 5. 1669. PSAL. 66.16 Come and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare what he hath done for my Soul GLASGOW Printed by Robert Sanders One of His Majesties Printers Anno Dom. 1698. The Experiences of Gods Gracious dealing with Mrs. Elizabeth White FRom my Child-hood the Lord hath inclined my heart to seek after the best things and my Fathers chiefest care was to bring me up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord my nature being somewhat more mild than the rest of my Sisters I was ready to think my self some body and with the proud Pharisee to thank God that I was not as others not considering that I was but like a Wolf chained up which keeps its nature still as I by the goodness of God have seen since the Lord was pleased to lay his eye-salve upon me I was a great lover of Histories and other foolish Books and did often spend my sleeping-time in reading of them and sometimes I should think I did not do well in so doing but I was so bewitched by them that I could not forbear hearing of a friend of mine which was esteemed a very holy woman that did delight in Histories I then concluded it was no sin and gave my self wholly then to this kind of folly when I had any spare time for two or three years I had sometimes slight thoughts of Repentance but was loth to set about it and so I should put the Lord off from time to time with delays thinking still I should find a fitter time then the present I remember about a month before I was married my Father would have me receive the Sacrament of thâ— Lords Supper and I was very willing to it until I considered what was requsite to be in those which did partake thereof and then I began to doubt that I had not those things whicâ— were requisite wrought in me as Knowledge Faith Love Repentance c. and then this Scripture came into my mind He that doubteth is damned if he eat for whatsoever is not of faith is sin when I had considered those things I was filled with sorrow and could not tell what to do I was loth to disobey my Father and more loth to eat and drink my own damnation in this perplexity I set my self to seek the Lord for his grace being at that time somewhat sensible of the want of it when I had thus done I began to be comforted verily thinking that now I had repented and could believe in Christ Iesus and having some notional knowledge of things I was indiffeâ—ently well satisfied thinking that when I waâ— married I should have more leisure to servâ— God and then going to the Minister of thâ— Parâ—sh to be examined before I was admitted and finding my self able to answer him â— thought all was well with me then and so unworthy I went to the Lords Table not questâ—oning but that I was in as good a condition aâ— any of the rest which did receive But blesseâ— for ever be the Lord which broke my false confidence and swept away my refuge of Lyes which I then trusted in and shewed me my sad condition I was in by nature and practise more clearly than ever before and this was about a quarter of a year after I was married in the year 1657. the Minister being upon this subject Prov. 1.23 Turn ye at my reproof c. being upon the use of trial whether indeed we had turned to God or no he bid us examine our selves by some marks which he then gave and it was at this time that God did begin to manifest his love to me as I trust in my effectual vocation here the Lord was pleased to open my heart as he did the heart of Lydia so that I attended to the things that were spoken so that I perceived my heart was not right in the sight of God and that my hope was but like that of the Hypocrite which perisheth when I came home I besought the Lord to turn me if I were not yet turned to him but yet I had not that thorow sense of sin as I had afterwards About three weeks after the Minister coming to our house my Husband and I was speaking that we would desire him to pray with us in our Chamber but that time he could not stay the next day he came and asked for me telling me that my Husband told him that I would speak with him O how was I surprized I could not tell what to say upon the sudden I was so hurried in my thoughts O how loth was I to acquaint him with my sad state â— I was ashamed to tell him that I was yet a stranger to God and all goodness till it was forced from me which when he heard he did not go about to comfort me but he asked me if ever I was convicted before and I told him yes and he repeated the first vers of the 29. Chap. of the Proverbs He that being often reproved hardeneth his neck shal suddenly be destroyed and that without remedy when I heard this I was wonderfully troubled then there came many sins to my remembrance which I had taken no notice of before counting them small sins now the time which was spent in reading Histories I remembred with bitter grief and I thought that there was no mercy for me but he perswaded me there was hope of mercy for such as I and that the Lord waited to be gracious to poore sinners and then I was a little satisfied for the present but then I was troubled with blasphemous thoughts which were very grievous to me I thought I had a heart worse than the Devil and wondered that I was not consumed in some strange manner when I have seen a Spider which of all things is most loathsome to me I have been ready to wish my self such a one esteeming of it to be in a far happier condition than I was I was afraid to be in the dark lest I should met the devil I doubted whether I was elected I had read that I was not of him that willeth nor him that runneth but of God that sheweth mercy Then I thought if I were not elected it was to no purpose to strive for what God hath decreed must be but yet I was unwilling to perish I could not be so satisfied although I had but little hope to obtain mercy yet I could not but ask it I was also very frequent in hearing the Word preached and read not daring to let slip an opportunity but not without many tears lest it should increase my condemnation in this condition I remained a great while but not without some secret supports from the Lord sometimes by a word cast in upon
my spirit sometimes I was refreshed I could not tell how but I should be ready to think this was a delusion I remember the Scriptures were these Isa 50.10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord that obeys the voice of his Servant that walks in darkness and hath no light let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God Iohn 15.16 Ye have not chosen me but I have chosen you and ordained you that ye should go and bring forth much fruit and that your fruit should remain c. Lam. 3.25 The Lord is good unto the soul that waits for him and to them that seek him It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the Salvation of the Lord c. These words did support me very much therefore I write them out and laid them in my Closet that they might still be in my eye that I might when I looked upon them be incouraged to hope in and wait upon the Lord but these comforts were but transient but yet whiles they lasted they were very sweet supports but when gone I fell to doubting thinking all was delusions and thus I dishonoured God 〈◊〉 my unbelief I doubted much of my sincerity often saying I was an hypocrite but if at anâ— time I was asked in what I was one I could not tell but had this Scripture very often in my mind There is a way which seemeth right unto a man but the end thereof is death And so I thought I was but seemingly right and therefore must needs perish and in this condition I continued a long time but I heard that a hypocrite seldome or never doubted his condition and that it was a sign of sincerity to desire a sincere heart and this I durst not deny knowing that I did desire it rather than the whole world Thus being better satisfied I resolved to seâ— about my duty but all this while I did not see such a high price upon the Lord Iesus as I should but still I thought that I must do something to merit salvation not daring to venture my soul with all its concernments upon Christ therefore I should tye my self to pray six times a day and then I should be satisfied and thinâ— all was well with me then but if I at any timâ— failed of my number then I was dis-satisfied and so in other duties so that my comforts did not flow from the blood and righteousness of Iesus but from my own duties but blessed be the Lord who likewise shook this foundation even because he had a favour to me for being in discourse with a friend he desired me to read Shephards sincere Convert which I did and here did I see as in a glass my folly for there were signs given whereby I might try my self whether I did rest in duties One I remember was this If I never saw I rested in Duties then it was a sure sign that I then did another was this If I prized the bare performance of duties so as to think when I had prayed with some life that I had done very well and again If I saw but little of my vile heart by Duties then it was a sign I rested in them and that I was yet in the way to Hell though in the cleanliest way and should certainly perish if I rested here Now this I plainly saw was my condition but how to get out of it I knew not for now I was in a worse condition than at the beginning finding it abundantly more hard to deny righteous self than sinful self I thought it wonderful strange that I must be saved by the righteousness of another if ever I were saved O this my proud heart was unwilling to yeeld to and yet I was very desirous of salvation But when the Lord had led me into my own heart and shewed me the vileness of that more and that if the Lord should leave me to my self I should commit all kind of sin and that with greedines such was the vileness of my nature and that if it were possible I should now live holily yet I could not satisfie the justice of God for what was past therefore I resolved to cast my self upon Christ Iesus that sure foundation which God had laid and not man and if I perished to perish here but much opposition did I meet with from Satan and my own heart before I could really do it I could seal to the truth of that scripture Eph. 1.19 That God did put forth his mighty power when a soul was made to believe but yet I was not at quiet but had many fears and doubts that all was false because I had been so often deceived and now I began to â—ee mine own vileness more than ever and â—ound my heart ran out to the Lord Iesus in love but doubted very much of his love to me yet sometimes I should have some perswasions of my interest in Christ and that his love was towards me and whilst this perswasion lasted I should be very comfortable be ready to think I should never be moved as David did but when God hid his face I was troubled and fell to doubting all again not having learned that heavenly skill of living by Faith but yet I did not wholly cast off my confidence but had some pin hole of hope in the worst condition I remember the consideration of this scripture Iohn 3.8 He that is born of God doth not commit sin filled me with many fears knowing how apt I was to commit sin notwithstanding my striving against it but a little while after I was satisfied understanding the place better that it was not meant of sins of infirmity but of making sins ones trade c. and this was I confident I did not but rather trembled at the thoughts of it but when this was over Satan and my own unbelieving heart will still be presenting something whereby to occasion doubts so that for the space of one year and a half I had scarcely any settled peace now and then a good word thrown in which would revive me for the present but the comfort would be soon gone as Ezek. 36.26 A new heart will I give and a new spirit will I put in you and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh and I will give you a heart of flesh and will put my spirit within you and cause you to walk in my statutes c. This Promise I should often plead with God very sensibly and with much confidence another was Iohn 11.25 I am the resurrection and the life he that believeth on me though he were dead yet should he live And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die This I remember was very sweet to me once when I was in great fear lest my heart should grow dead and when I was with Child I was much dejected having a sence of my approaching danger and wanting an assurance of my everlasting happiness
but whilst I was considering of these things I had this Scripture set home with abundance of sweetness Psalm 50.15 Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver thee and thou shalt glorifie me and in the time of my extremity this word was set home upon my heart again and my good God made me to experience the truth of it in a wonderful manner for I had speedy deliverance beyond my expectation which filled my heart and mouth with praises to the Lord about three days after a friend coming to visit me I related to her how good the Lord had been unto me and how sweetly my heart was established but no sooner was my friend gone but I was tempted to think my faith was false but I labored what I could to encourage my self in the Lord my God But as I lay in my bed I thought I saw three men before me and it was presently suggested to me that these were the three persons in the Trinity O then I was very much troubled but I knew I was under a temptation and therefore cryed to the Lord for help but was not pâ—esently delivered from it but I had this Scripture brought to my mind No man shal see my face and live Exod. 33.20 But not being yet freed I began to consider what I had heard and read as means to help against such temptations at last I remembred that Mr. Bolton in his Book of instructions for the right comforting of afflicted consciences gave this direction after the party had prayed for help against the Tempter and done what they could in repelling him by the Word of God that if they were yet followed by Satan that then they should set about some honest imployment but now I was in Bed and knew not what to set about for the present at last I resolved to try to suckle my Child which I did and then lay down again and found that I was pretty well freed from that temptation and finding my self much distempered in my head I desired the Lord to give me rest and went about to compose my self to sleep but as I lay I thought Satan stood before me asking where I could find a promise for sleep at present I could not think of any but after some study this was brought into my mind The Lord will give his beloued sleep this word comforted me but yet I could not all that night get any sleep but still thought I saw Satan laughing at me because I had no sleep and yet trusted in his word thus all the night I continued weak in body and comfortless in mind so that in the morning I expected nothing but death then beginning to think more seriously of my change Satan as I then thought asked me where was my assurance of my everlasting happiness at this I was very much troubled knowing I had not full assurance but yet some good hope through the goodness of God I had therefore my heart made answer it is true I have no assurance but I have cast my self wholly upon the Lord Christ and in him only is my hope and here will I rest and if I perish I perish but sure I am such shall not perish for Christ hath promised them eternal life Thus being assisted by the Lord I vanquished Satan for that time and being thus at peace I quickly fell asleep and dreamed there was a Ladder set upon the earth whose top reached to heaven and I thought I was to go up that Ladder into heaven that as fast as I got up I was pulled down again which caused me to shed abundance of tears fearing that I should never get up and I thought something from above drew me by the arms but I could not see what but at last I thought I was in heaven where all tears were wiped from mine eyes and I was filled with rejoycing but when I had been there a little while I thoght I was to go back again to the earth and this very much troubled me but then I thought I heard a voice saying it would be but for a little while and that I should die in Child-bed and that the night before I dyed I should have full assurance this very much rejoyced me and I was very desirous to know of what child I should dye but that was denyed me upon this account because I should be always prepared but when I did awake I was filled with unexpressible joy earnestly longing to be dissolved and to be with Christ which was best of all and yet willing if the Lord pleased to suffer any thing which might be inflicted on me Then I remembred how Satan when I was about to turn to God would present the sufferings of Gods people to me thinking by that means to turn me back again and how I should be discouraged by them but being filled with the joys of Gods Spirit I thought I could suffer any thing not wondering as I had done how the Saints of old could bear up so bravely under their sufferings But after I began to amend my joys were not so full as they had been but I had a more setled peace than formerly I had blessed be the Lord I had many various changes in my spirituall state but once having a great sense of a hard heart and being desirous to have it molified I was tempted to do some great evil as the only means to break me and that it might be the readier entertain'd Satan put it into my heart to consider the condition of Nathaniel Butler whose heart was unbroken till the commission of that horrid sin of murder and then this great evil brought him to a sight and sense of all sin this temptation was very strong upon me but yet stronger was he that was with me than he that was against me for at that very instant did the Lord cast into my heart that happy word Rom. 8.3 Let us do evil that good may come whose damnation is just This word proved a happy means to repel the temptation but yet this mercy I had forgot till the Lord revived it upon my heart almost two years after as I was reading the Chapter And since my Child was weaned I was in such a state of deadness and darkness that I thought if I was ever raised out of it I should never question my condition again I was tempted to think that the Scripture was not the word of God I had let out my affection in a wonderful measure to my Child and yet my Lord forsook me not but dispelled my darkness and filled me with rejoycing O What shal I render to him After this I grew into another damp and was raised again and I trust the Lord will keep me notwithstanding all the mist which shall be raised in my heart by sin and Satan even by his power through faith unto Salvation These Scriptures revived me 〈◊〉 several times when I was in heaviness foâ— want of the presence of God at the