consider what it was to cast awaie a man Quoth the foreman we haue enquired throughly and found there was a horse tied to the halter I marie quoth the Iudge then let him be tied to the halter and let the horse goe home Martin a Monarch in his owne moyst conceit and drie counsell saies he is enuied onelie because he leuelleth at Bishops we say as the Iudge saith that if there were nothing else it were hard to persecute them to death but when we finde that to the rule of the Church the whole state of the Realme is linckt that they filching away Bishop by Bishop seeke to fish for the Crown and glew to their newe Church their owne conclusions we must then say let Bishops stand they hang that is goe home Looke howe manie tales are in this booke so manie must you abate of an hundred in the next booke reckon this for one There came by of late a good honest Minister with a cloake hauing sleeues ah quoth a Martinist sitting on a bulke in Cheapside he is a knaue I warrant you a claspe would become one of his coate to claspe his cloak vnder his chinne Where t is to be noted that they come in with a sleeuelesse conscience and thinke it no good doctrine which is not preached with the cloak cast ouer each shoulder like a rippier T was a mad knaue and a Martinist that diuided his sermon into 34. parts for memorie sake and would handle but foure for memorie sake and they were why Christ came wherefore Christ came for what cause Christ came and to what end Christ came this was all for memorie sake If that Martin could thatch vp his Church this mans scabship should bee an Elder and Elders they may bee which being fullest of spungie pith proue euer the driest kixes For in time you shall see that it is but a bladder of worldlie winde which swells in their hearts being once prickt the humour will quicklie be remoued O what a braue state of the Church it would be for all Ecclesiasticall causes to come before Weauers and Wierdawers to see one in a motlie Ierkin and an apron to reade the first lesson The poore Church should play at vnequal game for it should loose al by the Elder hand Nay Mas Martin wee le make you deale shuffle as well as you can we meane to cut it If you had the foddring of the sheep you would make the Church like Primero foure religions in it and nere one like another I cannot out of his gaming humour Why Is it not as good as Martins dogged humour who without reuerence regard or exception vseth such vnfitting tearmes as were hee the greatest subiect in England hee could not iustifie them Shut the doores sirs or giue me my skimmer Martins mouth had sod vnskimde these twelue months and now it runnes ouer yet let him alone he makes but porredge for the diuell His Elderberines though it be naught worth yet is it like an elderberrie which being at the ripenes of a perfect black yet brused staines ones hands like bloud They pretending grauitie in the rottennes of their zeale bee they once wrung you shall finde them lighter than feathers That 's a simile for the slaues Nay I le touch them deeper and make them crie O my heart there is a false knaue among vs. Take away this beard and giue me a pikede vaunt Martin sweares by his ten bones nay I will make him mumpe mow and chatter like old Iohn of Paris garden before I leaue him If Martin will fight Citie fight wee challenge him at all weapons from the taylors bodkin to the watchmans browne bil If a field may be pitcht we are readie if they scratch wee will bring cattes if scolde we will bring women if multiplie words we will bring fooles if they floute we will bring quippes if dispute the matter we will bring schollers if they buffet we will bring fists Deus bone what a number of we will brings be here Nay we will bring Bull to hang them A good note signe of good lucke three times motion of Bull. Motion of Bull Why next olde Rosses motion of Bridewell Buls motion fits them best Tria sequuntur tria in reckoning Bull thrise me thinkes it should presage hanging O bad application Bad I doo not thinke there can be a better than to applie a knaues necke to an halter Martin cannot start I am his shadowe one parte of the day before him another behinde him I can chalke a knaue on his backe thrice a weeke I le let him bloud in the combe Take heed he will pistle thee Pistle me Then haue I a pestle so to stampe his pistles that I le beate all his wit to powder What will the powder of Martins wit be good for Marie blowe vp a dram of it into the nostrels of a good Protestant it will make him giddie but if you minister it like Tobacco to a Puritane it will make him as mad as a Martin Goe to a hatch before the doore Martin smels thee and wil not feare thee thou knowest how he deales with the Archbishop and a Counseller hee will name thee and that broadlie Name me Mary he and his shall bee namefied that 's it I thirst after that name to name and knowing one another wee may in the streetes grapple wee except none wee come with a verse in our mouthes courage in our hearts and weapons in our hands and crie Discite iustitiam moniti non temnere diuâ—s Martins conscience hath a periwig therefore to good men he is more sower than wig a Lemman will make his conscience curd like a Posset Now comes a biting speach let mee stroake my beard thrice like a Germain before I speak a wise word Martin wee are now following after thee with hue and crie are hard at thy heeles if thou turne backe to blade it wee doubt not but three honest men shall bee able to beate sixe theeues Wee le teach thee to commit sacriledge and to robbe the Church of xxiiij Bishops at a blowe Doost thinke that wee are not men Martin and haue great men to defend vs which write Yes although with thy seditious cloase thou would'st perswade her Maiestie that most of the Gentlemen of account and men of honour were by vs thought Puritanes No it is your poore Iohns that with your painted consciences haue coloured the religion of diuers spreading through the veynes of the Common-wealth like poyson the doggednes of your deuotions which entring in like the smoothnes of oyle into the flesh fretteth in time like quicksiluer into the bones When children play with their meate t is a signe their bellies are full it must be taken from them but if they tread it vnder their feete they ought to be ierkt The Gospell hath made vs wantons wee dallie with Ceremonies dispute of circumstances not remembring that the Papists haue been making roddes for vs this thirtie yeares
conscience is my warrant to care for neither For I knowe there is none of honour so carelesse nor any in zeale so peeuish nor of nature any so barbarous that wil succor those that be suckers of the Church a thing against God and policie against God in subuerting religion against policie in altering gouernment making in the Church the feast of the Lapithees where all shall bee throwne on anothers head because euerie one would be the head And these it is high time to tread vnder foote for who would not make a threshold of those that go about to make the Church a barne to thresh in Itaque sic disputo FINIS Pappe with an hatchet GOod morrow goodman Martin good morrow will ye anie musique this morning What fast a sleepe Nay faith I le cramp thee till I wake thee O whose tat Nay gesse olde knaue and odd knaue for I le neuer leaue pulling til I haue thee out of thy bed into the streete and then all shall see who thou art and thou know what I am Your Knaueship brake you fast on the Bishops by breaking your iests on them but take heed you breake not your owne necke Bastard Iunior dinde vpon them and cramde his maw as full of mallice as his head was of malapertnesse Bastard Senior was with them at supper and I thinke tooke a surfet of colde and raw quipps O what queasie girds were they towards the fall of the leafe Old Martin neuer entaile thy wit to the eldest for hee 'le spend all he hath in a quire of paper Now sirs knowing your bellies full of Bishops bobbs I am sure your bones would be at rest but wee 'le set vp all our rests to make you all restie I was once determined to write a proper newe Ballet entituled Martin and his Maukin to no tune because Martin was out of all tune Elderton swore hee had times lying a steepe in ale which should marre all your reasons there is an olde hacker that shall take order for to print them O how hee 'le cut it when his ballets come out of the lungs of the licour They shall be better than those of Bâ—nner or the ierkes for a Iesuit The first begins Come tit me come tat me come throw a halter at me Then I thought to touch Martin with Logick but there was a little wag in Cambridge that swore by Saint Seaton he would so swinge him with Sillogismes that all Martins answeres should ake The vile boy hath manie bobbes and a whole fardle of fallacies He begins Linquo coax ranis cros coruis vanaque vanis Ad Logicam pergo quae Mart'ins non timet ergo And saies he will ergo Martin into an ague I haue read but one of his arguments Tiburne stands in the cold But Martins are a warme furre Therefore Tiburne must be furd with Martins O quoth I boy thou wilt be shamed t is neither in moode nor figure all the better for I am in a moode to cast a figure that shall bring them to the conclusion I laught at the boye and left him drawing all the lines of Martin into sillogismes uerie conclusion beeing this Ergo Martin is to bee hangd Nay if rime and reason bee both forestalde I le raile if Martin haue not barrelde vp all rakehell words if he haue what care I to knocke him on the head with his owne hatchet He hath taken vp all the words for his obscenitie obscenitie Nay now I am too nice squirrilitie were a better word well let me alone to squirrell them Martin thinkst thou thou hast so good a wit as none can outwrangle thee Yes Martin wee wil play three a vies wits art thou so backt that none dare blade it with thee Yes Martin we will drop vie stabbes Martin sweares I am some gamester Why is not gaming lawful I know where there is more play in the compasse of an Hospitall than in the circuite of Westchester One hath been an old stabber at passage the One that I meane thrust a knife into ones thigh at Cambridge the quarrel was about cater-tray and euer since he hath quarrelled about cater-caps I thought that hee which thrust at the bodie in game would one daie cast a foyne at the soule in earnest But hee workes closelie and sees all hee learnd that of old Vydgin the cobler who wrought ten yeares with spectacles and yet swore he could see through a dicker of leather He hath a wanton spleene but we will haue it stroakt with a spurne because his eies are bleard he thinkes to bleare all ours but let him take this for a warning or else looke for such a warming as shall make all his deuices as like wood as his spittle is like woodsere Take away the Sacke and giue him some Cinamom water his conscience hath a colde stomacke Cold Thou art deceiued t wil digest a Cathedral Church as easilie as an Estritch a two penie naile But softe Martins did your Father die at the Groyne It was well groapt at for I knewe him sicke of a paine in the groyne A pockes of that religion quoth Iulian Grimes to her Father when al his haires fell off on the sodaine Well let the olde knaue be dead Whie are not the spawnes of such a dog-fish hangd Hang a spawne drowne it all 's one damne it Ye like not a Bishops rochet when all your fathers handkerchers were made of his sweete harts smocke That made you bastards and your dad a cuckold whose head is swolne so big that he had neede sende to the cooper to make him a biggin and now you talke of a cooper I le tell you a tale of a tubb At Sudburie where the Martin-moÌ„gers swarmd to a lecture like beares to a honnie pot a good honest strippling of the age of fiftie yeares or thereabout that could haue done a worse act if companie had not been neere askt his sweete sister whether lecherie in her conscience were a sinne In faith quoth she I thinke it the superficies of sinne and no harme if the tearmes be not abusde for you must say vertuousty done not lustily done Fie this is filthie ribaldry O sir ther is no mirth without ribaldrie nor ribaldrie without Martin ask mine hostesse of the iuie bush in Wye for the one my old hostesse of the Swanne in Warwicke for the other She is dead the diuell shee is You are too broad with Martins brood for hee hath a hundred thousand that will set their handes to his Articles and shewe the Queene Sweeter and sweeter for wee haue twentie hundred thousand handes to withstand them I would it were come to the grasp we would show them an Irish tricke that when they thinke to winne the game with one man wee 'le make them holde out till wee haue but two left to carrie them to the gallowes wel followed in faith for thou saidst thou wert a gamester All this is but bad English when wilt thou come to
thou hast the churches discipline that thou canst by thy faction pollicie pull down Bishops and seâ—â—p Elders bring the lands of the Clergy into the cofers of the Temporaltie and repaire Religion by impairing their liuings it may bee thou shalt bee hearkened too stroakt on the head greasd in the hand fed daintelie kept secretlie and countenaunst mightelie But when they perceiue that all thy deuices bee but Chymeraes monsters of thine owne imaginations so farre from pulling downe a Cathedrall Church that they cannot remooue a corner of a square cap theÌ„ will they deale with thee as the Duke did with the Alcumist giue thee as many bobs on the eare as thou hast eaten morsels of their meate and make thee an example of sedition to be pointed at that art now so mewde vp that none can point where thou art All this tale with the application was not of my penning but found among loose papers marie he that did it dares stand to it Now because I haue nothing to doo betweene this and supper I le tell you another tale and so begin Winter by time There was a libeller who was also a coniurer so that whatsoeuer casting of figures there was he deceiued them at the last one as cunning as himself shewed wher he sate writing in a fooles coate so he was caught and whipt Martin there are figures a flinging ten to one thou wilt be found sitting in a Knaues skinne and so be hangd Hollow there giue me the beard I wore yesterday O beware of a gray beard and a balde head for if such a one doo but nod it is right dudgin and deepe discretion But soft I must now make a graue speach There is small difference between Swallowes Martins either in shape or nature saue onely that the Martins haue a more beetle head they both breed in Churches and hauing fledgde their young ones leaue nothing behind them but durt Vnworthie to come into the Church porch or to be nourished vnder anie good mans eues that gnawe the bowels in which they were bred and defile the place in which they were ingendred They studie to pull downe Bishopps and set vp Superintendents which is nothing else but to raze out good Greeke enterline bad Latine A fine period but I cannot continue this stile let me fal into my olde vaine O do ost remember howe that Bastard Iunior complaines of brothells and talkes of long Megg of Westminster A craftie iacke you thoght because you twitted Mar-martin that none would suspect you yes faith Martin you shall bee thresht with your owne flaile It was one of your neast that writt this for a loue letter to as honest a womaÌ„ as euer burnt malt Grace mercie and peace to thee O widow with feruent motions of the spirit that it may worke in thee both to will and to doo Thou knowest my loue to thee is as Paules was to the Corinthians that is the loue of copulation How now holie Martin is this good wooing If you prophane the Scriptures it is a pretie wit if we but alledge Doctors to expound them wee are wicked If Martin oppresse his neighbor why hee saith it is his conscience if anie else doo right it is extremitie Martin may better goe into a brothell house then anie other go by it he slides into a bad place like the Sunne all others stick in it like pitch If Martin speake broad bawdrie why all the crue saies your worship is passing merrie Martin will not sweare but with indeede in sooth in truth hee 'le cogge the die of deceipt and cutte at the bumme-carde of his conscience O sweetelie brought in at least three figures in that line besides the witant One there was and such a one as Martin would make the eldest of his Elders that hauing fortie angels sent him for a beneuolence refusde to giue the poore fellowe a quittance for the receipt saying Christ had giuen his master a quittaunce the same howre he told it out this was at his table where he sate with no lesse than fortie good dishes of the greatest dainties in more pompe than a Pope right like a superintendant Now to the two bastards what were you twins It shuld seeme so for there weÌ„t but a paire of sheeres betweene your knaueries When the olde henne hatcht such eggs the diuell was in the cocks comb Your father thrusts you forward remember pettie Martins Aesâ—ps crab the mother going backward exhorted her sonnes to goe forward doo you so first mother quoth they and we will follow Now the old cuckold hath puld in his hornes he would make you creepe cleane out of the shell so both loose your houses and shewe your nakednesse You go about impossibilities we le no such chaÌ„ge and if ye had it ye would be wearie of it There was a man like Martin that had a goose which euerie daie laid him a golden egge hee not content with the blessing kild his goose thinking to haue a myne of golde in her bellie and finding nothing but dung the gaÌ„der wisht his goose aliue Martinists that liue well by the Church receiue great benefites of it thinke if all Churches were downe they should be much better but when they shall see coÌ„fusion in stead of discipline atheisme to be found in place of doctrine will they not with sighs wish the Churches and Bishops in their wonted gouernmeÌ„t Thou art well seen in tales preachest Aesops fables Tush I le bring in Pueriles and Stans puer ad mensam for such vnmannerlie knaues as Martin must bee set againe to their A. B. C and learne to spell Our Father in a Horne booke Mantin Iunior giues warning that none write against reuerent Martin yes there are atribus ad centum from three to an huÌ„dred that haue vowed to write him out of his right wittes and wee are all Aptots in all cases alike till we haue brought Martin to the ablatiue case that is to bee taken away with Bulls voyder O here were a notable full point to leaue Martin in the hangmans apron Nay he would be glad to scape with hanging wee le first haue him lashte through the Realme with cordes that when hee comes to the gallowes he may be bleeding new The babie comes in with Nunka Neame and Dad Pappe with an hatchet for such a puppie giue the infant a bibbe he all to beslauers his mother tongue if he driuell so at the mouth and nose wee le haue him wipte with a hempen wispe Hui How often hast thou talkt of haltring Whie it runnes still in my minde that they must be hangd Hangde is the Que and it comes iust to my purpose There was one endited at a Iaile deliuerie of felonie for taking vp an halter by the high way The Iurie gaue verdit and said guiltie The Iudge an honest man said it was hard to find one guiltie for taking vp a penie halter and bad them