for my Shoulders as this Head of mine STATESMEN AND COVRTIERS I. NOLI videri sapiens coram Principe is a Lesson of wise Solomon which puts me in mind of a Portugueze Statesman Whose Prince the King of Portugal being about to send to the Pope commanded him to write a Letter whilst he wrote another in order to send that which he should like best of the two The Lot fell to the Statesman's Letter as the best penned Who therefore fled into Spain thinking himself not safe in Portugal upon the King's Opinion that he had outdone him II. When the Wars in Q. Elizabeth's Time were hot between England and Spain there were Commissioners on both Sides appointed to Treat of Peace Dr. Dale a Master of Requests was one named by the Queen for that purpose and the Place of Congress a Town of the French King's Where the Commissioners on both Sides being met it was first debated in what Tongue the Negotiation should be handled One of the Spanish Commissioners thinking to give ours a shrewd Gird proposed the French Tongue wherein they were best skilled as most fit And for these Gentlemen of England I suppose says he they cannot be Ignorant of the Language of their Fellow-Subjects their Queen being Queen of France as well as of England Nay in faith my Masters replied Dr. Dale the French Tongue is too vulgar for a Business of this Secrecy and Importance especially in a French Town We will therefore rather treat in Hebrew the Language of Jerusalem whereof your Master is King and I suppose you are therein as well skilled as we in the French Tongue III. A Person of Quality going upon an Embassy had this particular Instruction from his Prince that his Conduct should be directly opposite to that of his Predecessor To which he answered Sir I shall so carry my self that your Majesty shan't need to give the like Instruction to any one that shall succeed me IV. Monsieur de Louvois being ready to set out in order to a Campagne and offering to tell what Place he was going for Don't tell us says Monsieur de Roquelaure where you go for we shall give no Credit to it V. A Lady speaking to a prime Minister of State about an Affair of Consequence and having no Answer from him Pray my Lord said she unto him shew me some Sign that you understand me VI. To a learned Man one may say Scire tuum Nihil est nisi te scire hoc sciat alter thy Knowledg signifies nothing unless it be known to the World To a Statesman on the contrary one must say Si sciat hoc alter scire tuum nihil est thy Knowledg avails nothing unless it be private to thy self For the main part of his Learning is to know how to keep Counsel VII A Minister of the Emperor residing before the War at the Court of France walked one day with several Courtiers in the Gallery of Versailles Viewing some Pictures there that set forth the greatest Actions of the King We have also says he wherewithal to set out a great Gallery by the Emperor's Conquests 'T is true answered a Courtier and the Duke of Lorrain will have a great Share therein By which Answer he meant to insinuate that whereas the glorious Actions of King Lewis were performed by himself or at least in his Presence those of the Emperor were only performed by his Proxy the Duke of Lorrain and in the Emperor's Absence VIII An old French Courtier being grievously afflicted with the Gout received a Visit of a Prince of the Royal Blood of whose Party he had formerly been That which grieves me most of all says he to the Prince in the Condition I am in is that I have quitted your Service You ought not to grieve for that answered the Prince now you have the Honour to belong to the King 'T is true replied the Courtier but had I not quitted your Service I had been long since free from the Pain I now suffer Thus he cunningly taxed the Prince with forsaking of his Friends after he had involved them in a Rebellion for which they had been executed IX A Venetian Embassador going to the Court of Rome passed through Florence where he went to pay his Respects to the late Duke of Tuscany The Duke complaining to him of the Embassador the State of Venice had sent him as a Man unworthy of his Character Your Highness says he must not wonder at it for we have many idle Pates at Venice So we have reply'd the Duke in Florence but we don't send them abroad to treat of publick Affairs X. A Prince jeering one of his Courtiers whom he had employ'd in several Embassies told him he looked like an Ox. I know not answered he whom I am like unto but this I know that I have had the honour several times to Represent your Person A free and pleasant Repartee which required a great Familiarity betwixt the Subject and the Prince to be free from Censure IX A Roman having entertained at Dinner Mecenas Augustus his Favourite Mecenas fell entertaining of his Wife with amorous Caresses whilst her Husband made as if he had been asleep to give him the more liberty In the mean time spying one of his Slaves who was stealing of a golden Cup Thou Rogue says he dost not thou see that I sleep only for Mecenas XII A French Courtier admired for his courtly Carriage but especially for his Art in reviving a drooping Conversation seeing one day the Court-Ladies stand mute before the Queen amongst which was Madame de Guimené broke silence and addressing himself to the Queen Is not this Madam says he an odd Thing in Nature that Madame de Guimené and I being born on the same Day and at no further distance of Time than a quarter of an hour yet she should be so fair and I so black XIII The Duke of Orleans being in a hot Summer day in the Garden of Luxemburg between two Pavilions where the Reflexion of the Sun made the Heat excessive one of his Attendants took upon him to tell his R. H. that Princes loved no Body That can't be apply'd to me said the Duke who love my Friends very well If Your Higness said another do's not love 'em boyled you love 'em however well rosted XIV The Dauphin the Prince of Conty and the young Admiral of France the Count of Vermandois with several other Persons of great Quality walking one Day along the Canal of Versailles one came to the young Admiral And there being upon the Canal a Boat within reach Now my Lord Admiral says he take upon you the Command of this Vessel and make a Trial of Skill But whilst he excused himself upon his Want of Experience a Gentleman stepping amongst them brought off the Admiral saying That he was not a fresh-Water Admiral XV. Henry IV of France being come to Rouen a President who came to harang him fell short of his Speech and could
Delight and Pastime OR Pleasant Diversion FOR Both Sexes Consisting of Good History and Morality Witty Jests Smart Repartees and Pleasant Fancies free from Obscene and Prophane Expressions too frequent in other Works of this kind whereby the Age is corrupted in a great measure and Youth inflamed to Loose and Wanton Thoughts This Collection may serve to frame their Minds to such Flashes of WIT as may be agreeable to Civil and Genteel CONVERSATION By G. M. LONDON Printed for J. Sprint at the Bell and G. Conyers at the Gold-Ring in Little-Britain over-against the Sugar-Loaf 1697. Price 1 s. TO The Honourable EDWARD IRBY Esq Eldest Son of ANTHONY and Grandson to the Most Worthy Knight Sir ANTHONY IRBY both Deceased The Heir and greatest Hopes of his Illustrious Family This MISCELLANY Of Wise and Ingenious Sayings c. Is humbly Dedicated By the Author TO THE READER THE Design of this MISCELLANY is both to Instruct and Divert The Instructive Part consisting of Wise and Ingenious Sayings carries along with it a great deal of good History and Morality In which Sayings the ancient Greeks whilst Learning flourished amongst them excelled to admiration The Diverting Part made up of witty Jests smart Repartees and pleasant Fancies Intermixt with the former and most of 'em above the strain of popular Wit aims at nothing but Innocent Mirth being free from obscene and prophane Expressions too frequent in other Works of this kind Whereby the Age is corrupted in a great measure and Youth inflamed to loose and wanton Thoughts Whereas this Collection may serve to frame their Minds to such Flashes of Wit as may be agreeable to civil and genteel Conversation The Epitaphs I own to be for the most part extracted out of Cambden's Remains but so culled and sifted from the rest that you have here the choicest only Some of 'em of a serious and others of a merry strain some Latin and others English Thus you have here Honestum Utile Jucundum useful Morality and witty Diversion The whole reduced under proper Heads not huddled up confusedly together as are commonly other Works of this nature The Contents OF Princes Pag. 1 Popes Pag. 15 Cardinals Pag. 18 Bishops Pag. 21 Statesmen and Courtiers Pag. 26 Magistrates Pag. 39 Ladies Pag. 43 Love and Gallantry Pag. 47 Roman Priests Jesuits and Monks Pag. 49 Lawyers Pag. 58 Physicians Pag. 61 Orators and Philosophers Pag. 63 Authors Pag. 69 Poets Pag. 74 Painters and Pictures Pag. 79 Scholars Pag. 81 War Officers and Souldiers Pag. 83 Tradesmen and Countrymen Pag. 87 Masters and Servants Pag. 91 Marry'd Men and Women Pag. 95 Dying Men and Women Pag. 102 Buryings Pag. 107 Epitaphs Pag. 110 POSTSCRIPT Pag. 135 LICENSED March 12. 1693 4. Edward Cooke MISCELLANEA OR Wise and Ingenious Sayings c. Of PRINCES I. GREAT was the Freedom the ancient Greeks took with their Princes even to the Reproach of their Vices and some of these were wise enough not to take it ill Witness the Story of a Grecian Lady and PHILIP King of Macedon Which King newly risen from Table his Head intoxicated with the Liquor he had drunk wronged the Lady in a Concern she brought before him Whereupon she appealed from his Judgment To whom said the King To Philip reply'd she when Sober This made him Recollect himself and upon due Consideration finding himself in the wrong he altered his Judgment in the Lady's behalf II. The same King having some Courtiers about him who endeavoured to perswade him to punish a Man of great Worth as having spoken ill of him I must first examine says he whether I have deserved it or not At last he found that the Party had never receiv'd any Favour from him thô he highly deserved it Upon which he sent him great Presents and 't was not long before he heard that the same Man spoke much to his Praise You see then said the King to the same Courtiers that I know better than you do how to silence Detraction To which he added that Princes had it in their Power to get the Love of their Subjects when they pleased and if they were not beloved 't was their own Fault III. PHILIP contending with an able Musician about an Air 'T were great pity said the Musician to him that you should be so Vnhappy as to know this better than I do A proper Lesson for Men in Dignity not to affect excelling in some sorts of Knowledg IV. King Philip's Wife Mother of Alexander the Great hearing that her Son called himself the Son of Jupiter and was worshipped as a God did put a shrewd Jeer upon him For she sent him word and pray'd him not to bring her into Trouble with the Goddess Juno V. ALEXANDER being at Delphos to consult the Oracle forced Apollo's Priestess into the Temple upon an unlawful Day She cry'd out and made what Resistance she could but in vain At last says she to Alexander Thou art Invincible This Oracle answered he will serve my Turn and so let her go Thus the Priestess's Words extorted by his Violence passed for an Oracle VI. Darius King of Persia having offered his Daughter with half his Kingdom to ALEXANDER Parmenio his Favourite told him Were I Alexander I would accept of Darius his Offer So would I replied Alexander if I were Parmenio VII When ALEXANDER lay dying some of his Courtiers asked him where he had laid up his Treasures You will find them says he in my Friends Purses Whereby he insinuated that he had got no Treasures but what he had freely as fast as he had got them disposed of amongst his Friends and that he did not question but they would supply therewith one another when Occasion served VIII King ANTIGONVS having made a strict League with the Athenians they offered one of his Servants the Freedom of their City By no means said the King I will not suffer him to accept of that Honour lest that being some Day or other in a Passion I should be so unhappy as to beat an Athenian IX King PIRRHVS having twice overcome the Romans and finding his Army much weakned by such Victories I am undone says he if I get a third Victory X. Dionysius Tyrant of Syracusa was a Prince who freely ridiculed the Superstition and Idolatry which reigned in his Time amongst the Greeks He was for making use of those Offerings that were made to the Idols which they had no Occasion for The Cloak of Gold which Hieron sent to the Statue of Jupiter Olympius he took and gave instead of it one made of Wool saying That a Cloak of Gold was both too cold in Winter and too warm in Summer Aesculapius his Statue had a Beard of Gold which he clipt off saying That it was not decent for the Son to have a Beard being his Father Apollo had none XI Dionysius had a Son who had violated a Lady of Syracusa Upon which he asked him with an angry Look whether he had ever heard that in
not conclude it A Courtier near the King's Person told His Majesty Sir 't is no wonder for the Normans are mighty apt to fall short of their Word XVI The same King going into a Lady's Chamber one of his Courtiers hid himself under the Bed A Collation being brought in soon after the King threw a Box full of Sweet-meats under the Bed saying Every body must live XVII A French Marquess used to brag every where that he had writ to the Queen Another who met him by chance in the Palace cry'd out to him Sir I beg the favour of you to Remember me to the Queen next time you write to Her Majesty XVIII A great Officer in the French King's Court shewing his noble Terrass to the Prince of Guimené told him it stood him but in 25000 Livers The Prince who well knew how he came by the Money made this smart Repartee I thought says he the King had paid for it XIX A great Bell being made use of at a Nobleman's House to ring to Dinner a Courtier who was to dine with him said Will the Dinner answer to the Bell XX. An Italian being at Dinner with a Court-Officer who had spent all his Estate and sold a Lordship he had minded how little he did eat Your Lordship says he do's not eat No answered the prodigal Courtier for 't is all eaten XXI Something to that purpose are these French Verses made upon one by Monsieur de Furetiere Paul vend sa Maison de S. Clou A maints Creanciers engagée Il dit par tout qu'il en est soû Je le croi car il l'a mangée XXII A French Courtier who made it his Business to be constantly at Court and to appear in the King's Presence to relate afterwards in Company what he heard the King say telling one day an old Courtier that he had such an Account the Night before from the King's Mouth And I answered the old Courtier heard yesterday Father Bourdaloues Sermon who preached to me the finest Things that ever I heard By which Answer he shewed him the Vanity of his Ostentation in appropriating to himself alone what the King had said to many more that heard him XXIII In the late French King's Reign there was a President called Goussaut well known for his weak Parts A Courtier playing at Picket in a publick Place and finding he had committed an Errour I am says he a meer Goussaut The President who chanced to be there unknown to the Courtier told him that he was a Sot You say right replied the Courtier that 's it I meant to say XXIV Another intertaining several Gentlemen at Dinner had but one Page to wait at Table Growing warm with the Company and desiring them to be merry and drink chearfully Then said one of them give us Change for your Page Meaning that he must change his Page into Footmen to serve 'em with Wine as a piece of Gold is changed for several Pieces of less Value XXV A Foreign Lord dancing at a Ball in the Court of France did it so ungainly that he made himself a laughing-Stock A Friend of his to excuse the Matter said He fights well though he dances ill Then let him Fight and not Dance said one who laughed with the rest XXVI Another being robbed going over the Pont-neuf and relating the Circumstances of it I don't care says he so much for the Loss of my Money as for that of some Love-Letters I had received from my Mistris which the Rogues took along with it 'T is ten to one answered one of the Company but they will find out whose Hand it was Whereby he insinuated as if he had Pick-pockets for his Rivals XXVII A Citizen telling a Courtier that he had just then eased himself of a great Burden by paying a Debt he owed and that he could not apprehend how any Man could sleep that was in Debt For my part answered the Courtier I should rather wonder how my Creditors can sleep well knowing that I shall never pay ' em XXVIII Another Courtier being a Confident of the Amours of Henry IV of France obtained a Grant from the King for the Dispatch whereof he apply'd himself to the Lord High Chancellor Who finding some Obstacle in it the Courtier still insisted upon the Grant and would not allow of any Impediment Que chacun se mêle de son Metier said the Chancellour to him that is let every one meddle with his own Business The Courtier thinking that he reflected upon him for his Confidence My Imployment said he is such that if the King were but twenty Years younger I would not change it for three of yours XXIX A Marquess having got out of the Bastille where he had been imprisoned for a slight Offence came to Court and did his utmost to be taken notice of by the King Who being conscious that he had been too severe upon him had some check upon him for it insomuch that His Majesty did not care to look upon him The Marquess perceiving it made his Address to a Duke and prayed him to inform the King that he freely forgave him and begged of his Majesty that he would be pleased afterwards to look upon him The Duke told the King who being pleased with it shewed ever since a gracious Countenance to the Marquess XXX An envious Courtier being one day very melancholy a Gentleman ask'd what Misfortune had befaln him None at all answered another but that the King has preferred a Man of great Worth XXXI A rich Partisan of France who formerly had been a Lackey going fast in his Coach through the Streets of Paris a Lady walking by was bespattered with Dirt by his Horses This Man says she speaking of the Partisan is of a revengeful Spirit he dirties us because we have dirtied him XXXII The same Lady went to Law with another Partisan who had also been a Lackey and being gone to wait upon a Magistrate who was to be a Judg in the Case she staid some time with her Livery-men in his Withdrawing Room till he came out of his Chamber When he came out he wondered to see a Lady of her Quality with none but her Footmen and was very angry with his Servants for want of their Information A shame says he to leave here a Lady of your Quality with none but Lackeys about you Pray Sir reply'd the Lady be not concerned at it I am very well pleased with my Lackeys and like them best whilst they keep in that Station Thus she cunningly reflected upon her adverse Party XXXIII Sir Walter Rawleigh asking a Favour of Queen Elizabeth Sir Walter said the Queen When d' ye mean to leave off Begging When your Gracious Majesty reply'd he leaves off Giving MAGISTRATES I. CAius Caesar and Bibulus were Consuls of Rome together But this Bibulus had done so little for the Common-wealth that when this Consulship was quoted because two Consuls must be named the Saying was In the Consulship of
Copy of Verses of his to the Censure of an excellent Critick he made such Corrections and Alterations in it that it proved quite another Thing Tutto se né andato in limatura Is all filed away into Dust said the Poet upon sight of it Which is taken out of Pliny Junior who says in one of his Epistles Ferrum expoliendo non tam splendescit quà m atteritur Iron wears out more than it grows bright by polishing VI. A French Poet having made an Ode to the King apply'd himself to Malherbe as a competent Judg in order to improve it Who upon the perusal of it told him it wanted but four Words which the Poet pray'd him to write down himself Malherbe taking his Pen writ under the Title AV ROI To the King these four Words Pour torcher son Cul To wipe his Backside That done he folded up the Paper and gave it to the Poet who suspecting no Sham put upon him returned him a thousand Thanks for it VII One Quinault a Frenchman having made a Play which was going to be acted he explained the Drift of it to a Gentleman The Scene says he to him is in Cappadocia and to be a competent Judg of the Piece one must travel thither and understand the Genius of the People You are in the right answered the Gentleman who had no great liking unto it and my Opinion is that Cappadocia would be the most proper Place for that Play to be acted in VIII Another Poet presenting the Prince of Condé with Moliere's Epitaph the Prince told him Would to God it were Moliere himself with your Epitaph Thus that clear-sighted Prince expressed in a lively manner the great Respect he had for the deceased Poet and the slender Esteem he had for the living IX Bonnefons a French Poet who lived in the Reign of Henry III of France is much admired to this Day for his Love-Poetry but especially for one piece of it which begins thus Dic Acus mihi quid meae Puellae c. The same he concludes bidding the Needle to prick his Mistress's Heart not her Finger which he do's in these three admirable Verses Quantam hinc referes Superba Laudem Hâc te cuspide vulnerâsse Pectus Quod nullis potuit Cupido Telis X. Another French Poet of good Fame being blamed for going always on foot made these Extempore Verses Je voi d'illustres Cavaliers Avec Laquais Carosse Pages Mais ils doivent leurs Equipages Et je ne dois pas mes Souliers XI This following Epigram was made against Bell-Ringers as a troublesom sort of Men in Society Great Persecutors of the Land Who to our Quiet are a Check I wish you had about your Neck The Rope that you hold in your hand XII An English Poet having made an excellent Panegyrick of Oliver Cromwel undertook to make one of King Charles II which fell much short of the other Being ask'd the Reason of it We Poets said he to the King have always better luck in Fictions than Realities PAINTERS AND PICTVRES I. AN Italian Painter having drawn S. Peter's Picture bespoken by the Pope His Holiness found fault with it that it was too high-coloured To which the Painter made this bold Return that he had represented S. Peter blushing at the Lives of his Successors II. A Gentleman seeing a very good Picture of S. Bruno the Founder of the Carthusian Order and being asked his Opinion of it Were not it says he for his silent Rule it would speak III. The Ear only said one of a good Picture and not the Eye can find that it wants Speech IV. A Gentleman observing in a carved Piece Justice and Peace kissing each other Do but mind say he to a Friend of his that stood by how they imbrace and kiss each other They are doubtless upon parting and never will meet again V. A Picture lookt upon to be the Master-piece of the famous le Brun representing Darius his Royal Family at the Feet of Alexander stood between two Originals one of Raphael Vrbin and the other of Paul Veronese Cardinal Chigi a Nephew of Pope Alexander VII being asked his Opinion about le Brun's Picture 'T is very fine says he but it has two ill Neighbours By which Answer he ingeniously gave the preeminency to the two other Pictures and gave the French to understand that le Brun's Picture tho never so good was not fit to be exposed near such Originals SCHOLARS I. IT was a pat Answer which a Scholar made to Queen Elizabeth who asked him in Latin how often he had been whipt His Answer was in these Words of Virgil Infandum Regina jubes renovare Dolorem II. No less ingenious was that poor Schol-boy whose Condition the Queen being informed of Her Majesty bad him make some Verses upon this Pauper ubique jacet Which he wittily performed thus In Thalamis Regina tuis hâc Nocte jacerem Si verum hoc esset Pauper ubique jacet III. A Scholar riding on Horseback and finding that whatever he said to the Horse in English could not make him go fast enough try'd at last what he could do in Latin Non ibis mala Bestia says he to his Horse etiam admotis Calcaribus That is Won't you go neither you dull Animal thô I spur thee never so much IV. Another gone a hunting was forewarned to be silent lest he should fright the Game away He hapned to see some Rabbets which made him cry out in Latin Ecce Cuniculi The Rabbets hearing his Voice fled and he wondred said he how they should come to understand Latin V. An University Scholar being so hot in Discourse at the Hall-Table that the Fellows could hear him the Dean sent to him to be quiet with these words Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur To which he returned this Answer Vir loquitur qui pauca sapit WAR OFFICERS AND SOVLDIERS I. A Great Difference said one betwixt Peace and War is this that in Times of Peace the Sons bury their Fathers whereas in Time of War the Fathers bury their Sons II. Salustius says the Romans warred with the Gauls pro Salute for their Preservation but with the other Nations pro Gloria to advance their Glory III. Upon the least Victory got by MARCVS ANTONIVS there could hardly be found Beasts enough for Sacrifices Which made his Friends tell him once as they were going to Ingage We are undone if you get the Victory IV. At the Battel of Newport the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him and the Sea behind him did thus encourage his Souldiers If says he you will live you must either eat the Spaniards before us or drink the Sea behind us They chose the first and fell upon the Spaniards with such an Appetite that they got an intire Victory over them V. When Darius King of Persia sent Presents to Epaminondas that famous Greek Captain he spoke thus to those who brought them If Darius says he