and small Beer are much at one May they be accurst and never taste strong Drink more for their small-Beer Fighting Mess On the other side the Danes and Dutch in a great Body took the stream like so many shag Spaniels and fighting up to the middle in the Water beat off our Men and gaining the Land routed all before 'em Sarsf The Devil take 'em for a Company of Sons of Water-Dogs Where was Lauzune all this while Mess Why Sir at the same time the P. of O. passing the River at the head of a great Body of Horse attacked Lauzune with a Bravery to be extold tho' in an Enemy and forc'd him to give way and at length to retire finding himself abandon'd by the Foot 'T is true he retreated in good Order after the loss of General Hamilton taken Prisoner but the rest disperst and broken some ran one way some another leaving all our Baggage and eight Pieces of Cannon as a Pray to the Victors All that prov'd lucky to us in this Battel was this that Duke Schomberg was slain with a Carbine-shot at the head of his Men advancing to observe Lauzune's motions D. of B. Where was my Royal Father all this while Mess He stood upon a rising ground i' the Rear out of harms way where with Tears in his Eyes for a while he beheld the bad Condition of his Affairs till at length my Lord Tyrconnel crying out with a despairing Voice Sauvez le Roy and his Majesty seeing his Army all in disorder took care to save himself and fled with all speed to Dublin D. of B. What was our loss Mess The loss of the whole Kingdom an 't like your Grace D. of B. I mean what our particular loss Mess About fifteen hundred slain and a great number of Prisoners I forgot to tell you Sir there was one whole Regiment ran away without so much as taking up their Arms from the ground where they had Regimentally laid 'em Sarsf Those were Sparks of Venus I 'le warrant ye Sir such as had rather fight in a Brothel-House than in a pitch'd Field a blessed story Now the Devil take me if all these Fellows do not deserve to be fairly hang'd out of the way that we may have no more of the breed of 'em Oh Yonder I see some of the Rascals coming hither for shelter The Scene discovers a great number of Fugitives running to Sarsfield 's Body for security Enter half a score dusty Teagues Sarsf Scoundrels where have you left your Arms 1. Souldier By my shoule dear Joy we have left 'em behind us 2. Sould. By my shoule dear Joy we made great fire upon the Enemies till they came so near us that we were afraid they would have taken us Prisoners by St. Pautrick 3. Sould. By Creesh dear Joy I club'd out the Brains of no less than seven Hereticks at one time yesh marry did I Sarsf I warrant they were dead before 3. Sould. Yesh indeed were they dear Joy but they made such fear upon me as they lay that I resolv'd to kill 'em again 4. Sould. By Creesh now 't was in my Thoughts to have fought like a Devil but the Rogues sent us word that if we did they would give us no Quarter and so when all run I run for good Company Sarsf The Deaths of drown'd Kittens in a Horse-Pond attend ye all What encouragement has a Man of Courage to entrust himself with such Vermin I 'de trust my self as soon in a Hare-Warren against a Heard of Wolves 5. Souldier By my shoule dear Joy you do us wrong we did as much as Men could do but we met with Men that were more than Men You know dear Joy it is a hard matter to row against the Stream but these Men fought against the Stream and yet beat us They stood i' th' Water like Stakes and fir'd so fast out of the Water upon us that we could not stand upon the dry Land D. of B. Come Colonel there 's no help for no Remedy 'T is my Royal Father's Misfortune to work with bad Tools and the best Artist in the World can never make a Silk Purse of a Sows Ear. Sarsfield However there 's Life in a Muscle still the Hereticks have not done all their Work yet we have something still left that will hold 'em play for some time and if we can but get fresh Succours from France we may be able to turn the Scales or else at least to make an honourable Composition for our selves ACT III. Scene 4. King J. Tyrconnel Herbert Mayor of Dublin and others K. J. TO Day a Man to Morrow a Mouse Herbert I must confess I was in hopes I might have had a Mace carryed before me as well as my Capital Enemy Jefferies Tyrcon Lose all in one day without hopes of ever having a Back Game to play What will the World think of us They 'l say surely we were either very Improvident or very Confident Gamesters to hazard all at one Throw K. J. I must confess I long mistrusted the Issue of this day and therfore it was that I sent away Trant to prepare Ships for my return into France before the Fight Herbert 'T was ill foreboded an 't please your Majesty but by this you have acquired the Honour of being the greatest Prince in the World happy in your Misfortunes to be both a King a Priest and a Prophet which is more than your Brother Lewis can pretend to A King without contradiction a Priest as being of the Order of Loyola and the Prophet of your own Afflictions Fer. I wish I might have prov'd a false Prophet tho' it had cost me the spoiling of your Compliment my Lord But there 's no staying here They are in quick pursuit I warrrant ye after us therefore send for the Mayor and Aldermen Herbert They attend without Sir Enter Mayor and Aldermen K. J. Gentlemen I had a very good Army in England but when I had the greatest Occasion for them they deserted me When I came into this Kingdom I found my Roman Catholick Subjects well equipped and prepared to defend my Cause And tho' I had been often told that when it came to the touch they would never bear the brunt of a Battel I would never believe it till now 'T is true they did not desert me as in England yet when it came to a Tryal they basely fled the Field and left the Spoil to my Enemies So that hence forward I never more desire to head an Irish Army and now am resolv'd to shift for my self and so must you too So Gentleman Farewell Mayor Now is my Heart as heavy as a six Pounder fit for nothing but a Grocer's Scales to weigh Plums withal and therefore to keep it from sinking to the bottom of my Belly I hope my Brethren and I shall endeavour to lighten it this Night with your Majesties Health before the Enemy comes amongst us 'T is the last thing that we
enter Shuts the Door after him James Father you have wak'd me out of a sweet Slumber I was just dreaming of the Lady you wot of Hall 'T is from her I bring you Tidings I wish all your Enemies were as much at your command as She James Most Excellent Father sit down and talk softly Hall Sir I gave her a Visit under the usual pretence of Confession according to your command James And did you find her laden with Sin Hall I ne're asked her Sir how many Sins she had committed my business was as you well know had they been a hundred to perswade her to commit half a Score more to serve your Majesty and then to give her a Discharge in full James And how did she relish your Discourse Father Hall Why Sir I laid before her the Danger that threaten'd the Holy Church if she should suffer you to Languish and Pine away to Death for Love of her I told her how you had lost your Stomack and that nothing would go down with you but Sugar sops at night How you fasted and pray'd Mundays Tuesdays Wednesdays Thursdays Fridays and Saturdays and that I was confident she was the Saint to whom you offer'd up all your Devotions James What said she Hall She Hector'd and Flounc'd at first as if she had been the Goddess of Chastity call'd me Pimping Priest and a Reproach to my Profession and held out her Flag of Defiance at that rate that I began to despair of taking the Fort but the Devil so Faithfully supply'd me with fresh Batteries that at length as I may so say I took her by Storm And when she surrender'd But does the King dye for me she cry'd with such a Languishing Utterance that I perceived I had wounded her to the Heart in the Assault and that she only expected you to be her Surgeon James Successful Father thou hast oblig'd us for ever Hall She enjoyn'd me Sir most seriously to Privacy and I found too she had read the Earl of Rochester's Poems for she made use of the Dutchess of Clevelands Argument James That Father must be another of your Master-pieces Hall And I think Sir I have it already I will go to her again and appoint a convenient Time and Hour for Confession which being done with all the Care and Caution imaginable you shall go and meet her in my Habit Our Habit is a strange sort of Habit Sir the Devil makes use of it sometimes to cover his Clov'n Feet A Jesuits Gown is like Ixions Cloak which Juno gave him to lye with her undiscover'd James By the Mass Father thou hast Wit and Invention at Will I hug thy Design and I like it the better because you know I am one of the Order my self Hall Sir you see I am wholly at your Devotion James Nor shall you loose by 't Father Croesus shall not be richer than Thee if e're I come to my Throne again More than that I will erect a Colledge of Jesuits in England as big as the Escurial in Spain There shalt thou live like a Prince have more Lordships than the Old Abbots of St. Albans and Eat and Drink in more Plenty than the Monks of Glassenbury Hall These are Spurs would make a Malt-horse fly like a Pegasus Alas Sir my Ambition aims not at these great things The World well knows your great Zeal to advance the Glory of the Holy Order And that 's the main Spur that quickens me to your Service I have my Lesson Sir Bowes and goes off SCENE V. Lausun La Hoquette Count de Leri Lausun Reading a Letter I am certainly inform'd that the Prince of Orange will suddenly be in Ireland with a great Army Therefore if your Affairs do not succeed in that Kingdom be sure to be careful of K. James and hasten his safe return into France La Hoquette Our Master 's a Wise King but why he should be so chary of an Unfortunate Prince is past my Apprehension Diable I am sorry he is not in France at this present For never any thing prosper'd where-ever he was Lausun If you do not apprehend it I do there 's no such Mystery but may be easily unfolded Should he be too Fortunate he would be too Rampant for our Master Let him be Unfortunate but still preserve him in his Misfortunes and at one time or other he may chance to do our Masters work La Hoquette Mortbleu What a power of Mony has he cost our Master already to no purpose Lausun Th' art a Fool my Master has not spent a Doit upon him all our Master has spent has been for his own Interest Had it not been for our Masters pretended assisting him in this Kingdom and by that means cutting out other work for the P. of O. we should have had that Encroaching Enemy of ours at Versailles before this And besides if our Master get this Kingdom under this pretence 't is all clear Gains and Mony well laid out You know what he Conquers is all his own let the Pretence be what it will If our Master thought the Kingdom of Heaven worth Having he has Pen-men that would derive his Pedigre in a direct Line from the Virgin Mary rather than he should want a Pretention In short K. James must be a Goad in the sides of the English as long as he lives La Hoquette Mortbleu then let our Master find out a Goad that will peirce to the Quick and not such a Goad without a Point as K. James Let him set up his Son the Young P. of Wales Fortune 's a Whore and loves Young Flesh better than Old Lausun No no There are none in England but those of our own Religion that believe that Farce King J. has been Crown'd in that Kingdom and the Protestant Jesuits of his Party have found out a quaint Distinction already of a King de Jure and de Facto to make a Broyl upon the Coast and divide the Allegiance of the People 'T is for this our Master is so chary of K. James otherwise he would not care whither the Cham of Tartary or the Great Mogul were King of England 't were all one to Him Our Master 's a Charitable Monarch and if any Forreign Prince in his Distress craves his Assistance there is no Man so ready to lay hold of the Opportunity The Fox desir'd the Lamb but only to let him put in his Head and then he knew well enough how to get in his whole Body La Hoquette Nay I know our Master knows how to make use of a proper Tool as well as any Prince in Europe But what would he do with this Island if he had it Lausun Why Transplant all the Cowardly Irish to his Plantations in America and People the Kingdom with his own Subjects Or what if he should Dispeople the Country and leave it without Inhabitants La Hoquette I confess 't is a good way to prevent Rebellion Lausun You know our Master loves to be King of
t'other to Fight but let 's eat first there 's no such hast for t'other SCENE III. Hall the Priest Lady Lancarty Hall That 's nothing Madam where the Holy Church imposes a Command you are to make no Scruples Lady Surely Father you do not talk as you mean Did the Holy Church ever command a Woman to commit Adultery Hall No Madam nor did the Holy Church ever command a Woman to commit Murder And yet you see that for the good of the Holy Church Judith cut off Holophernes's Head Nor is it without great Probability from the Effect that she let him have the use of her Body to boot for you see that he had tired himself that is he had overwrought himself through the Allurements of a fresh Beauty and fell asleep Thus you see Madam here was Whoredom Murder and Treachery three Fowl Sins 't is true but being impos'd upon Judith by the Necessities of the Jewish Church she was not only acquitted by the Church but highly applauded for what she had done Lady But Father I do not see the Holy Church in any such danger at present Where are the Holophernes's that threaten to ruin the Holy Church Hall Madam here is a Great Monarch upon whom all the Hopes of the Holy Church in England Scotland and Ireland depend This Great Monarch Sues to you for the Trifle of a nights Lodging Now upon your denial this Great Monarch not able to bear the Cross of his Ardent Affection dies and what follows All the Hopes of the Holy Church are thereby lost for ever and you condemn'd to Eternal Purgatory Lady Father Those of your Order are notable Sophisters but you shall never argue me out of my Honour I say again the Holy Church never commanded a Woman to commit Adultery Hall Lord Madam that you will not understand when I say the Holy Church I mean the Interest of the Holy Church For the Interest of the Holy Church and the Holy Church are all one Now Madam when the Interest of the Holy Church requires it you are bound to do whatever may contribute to the Advancement of her interest Lady I cannot be of your Opinion Father Hall Madam I must chide you for your Squeamishness what Injury will it be For grant it were a Sin you know the Church can give you Absolution Now then where you receive no Injury to pretend Conscience to the Prejudice of the Holy Church Madam I wonder at ye Lady I know Father that you can Absolve me but will my Husband forgive me You know Father there was a great Lady in France that went into England and returned back into France but was Poyson'd in three days after she got home Hall Your Husband Madam why Confessors of my Order don't use to be Blabs of their Tongues Lady I don't know Father how it comes to pass but when Women do those things the Devil still ows 'em a shame and all the Town rings on 't the next day who d' ye think told that Ladies Husband her self Hall Madam I tell ye Madam you stand in your own Light and why is' t because you are afraid to Cuckold your Husband Now I affirm that you don't Cuckold your Husband For Kings are not Men but Gods Now I say it can be no Defilement to a Mortal Husbands Bed for his Wife to lye with a Deity ergo And thus Alcmena could not be said to Cuckold Amphitryo because she did not lye with a Man but with Jupiter that was a God ergo again Lady I see Father you leave no Stone unturn'd But are you sure the King dyes for love of me Hall Ah Madam d' ye think I come to tell ye a Canterbury Story or that I would appear in such an Office as this but to serve our Holy Mother the Church Lady Truly Father I cannot tell what to say to the Business the Devil and you are two Prevailing Tempters But are you sure the King dyes for Love of me Hall Sure Madam Lady I would not for a Thousand Pounds the King should dye for Love of me Hall A Thousand Pounds Madam why 't is as much as your Life's worth you may be impeach'd of High Treason upon it Lady Why then Father 't is resolv'd neither will I dye for the King neither shall the King dye for me I find my self in a tottering condition Were his Majesty but here himself now he might push me down with the end of his Foresinger Hall 'T is a Heaven upon Earth Madam to be a Great Monarch's Mistress I have heard of One who had a Thousand Pound brought her every Munday Morning to Play at Cards with Lady That 's more than I expect 't is in Obedience to our Holy Mother the Church that I submit But Privacy's the Word Father Hall Blessed Lady be assur'd of that My Bosom is a Cabinet not to be unlockt with Keys of Torment when entrusted with Secrets of this Nature Lady Aside A most excellent Pimp would I had known thee sooner Well then Father I leave the rest to your discreet Contrivance For you know the Saying Tho Tw be not Coy Reputation is Nice Hall By the way Madam one thing more when the Crowned Head lyes groveling at your Feet and bathing your Knees with his Tears remember me Madam Lady A Labourer like you is worthy of his Hire farewel Father SCENE IV. Hall K. J. Groom of the Chamber Hall Now do I go to wait upon the King with a Conscience void of Offence Thanks be to Heaven I have discharged a Great Trust and that Faithfully and Effectually too By such ways as these do those of our Order insinuate themselves into the Courts of Kings and govern the Hearts of Princes The Miss is our Slave and the Prince is Hers Thus we command his Secrets ruin our Enemies and preserve our own Grandeur Thus Father Le Chaise governs Madam de Montespane and she governs Lewis XIV she commands the Hereticks to be destroy'd and her word 's a Law And that which washes our Consciences with Hyssop is this that all this is done to advance the Interest of the Holy Mother the Church But I delay too long to carry the Good News to the King To the Groom of the Chamber Sir is his Majesty awake Groom Quite the Contrary Sir He is fast asleep Hall Wake him then for I have Business of Importance to communicate to him tell him I am here and that will be your Warrant of Security Groom To himself Pox o' this Rascally Priest now must I go wake the King to hear some impertinent Lecture or other for eating Roast beef of a Friday Are you so much in haste Father you can't stay till the King wakes of himself He was up late last night Hall Sir Company will then press in my business is private Groom To himself Some Pimping Story or other Begad and then I 'll not hinder it Goes in and comes out again Father the King 's awake and gives you leave to
by de toot as disoblige a mee Maitre Begar mee Maitre be de gran King of de varle and begar me bee de gran Prince of Irlanda begar me make a de King submeet a to mee mee varrant him mee a got de possession of de gran Citee of Dubleen and of de Castel and mee keep a dem bor begar or if dey voree a mee to run a de way mee run a de way by de light of 'em begar me set all on de veere mee burn burn kill kill and make all as plain as my nail but first mee plundra all de Hereteeks and de Papists boat mee make up mee bundla mee garant mee Foutre Diable of de Gran Prince of Irlanda That can't lick his fingra having all at commanda ACT III. Scene 1. King Tyrconnel Hamilton Primate Nugent Mac Gillicuddy Butler Talbot MY Lords I make no question but you hear the News of the P. of Orange's being Landed and my Intelligence from England confirms the number of his well provided Forces He comes with all the Preparations of a Great a Prudent and a wary Captain And now he 's come I know he will not trifle time away In the mean time all 's quiet in England not a Mouse stins in my behalf and that perplexes me I wish I were well rid of this unwelcome Guest but ugly fears possess me Tyr. However shew 'em not Great Sir that will dishearten all the rest James No My Lord not so neither I 'le have one brush for 't you may be sure what e're comes on 't But you know my Lord we must be forc'd to leave Dublin but thinly mann'd behind us and 't is a fowl Nest of Hereticks I wish they had bin all transported long ago Tyr. You know Sir that was debated in Council at the beginning But then it was found that all the Butchers Brewers Bakers Clothiers Weavers Taylors Shoo-makers Hat-makers Smiths Carpenters and other Artizans were Hereticks so that had they bin remov'd your Souldiers could have had neither Meat Bread nor Drink nor Cloaths to wear nor Carts to carry their Provision and Ammunition into the Field nor would your Majesty have had a Mint and Workmen to Coyn your Brass and Copper Nugent However Sir there is Order taken to secure the Hereticks safe enough Your own Example in England in Monmouth's time has taught us to confine 'em all with in the Churches Hospitals and Jayls of the City 'till the Business be well over and then you may make Bonfires of 'em for your Victories James Well then that care 's over But how stands the Army affected for fighting are they in the same brave humour they were in when I last took a view of ' em Tyr. I think so Sir they show the same Symptoms of Valour as ever they Drink as hard Swear as hard toss about your Health as fast Bounce and Rant and Swagger as loud as ever and quarrel with one another as much as e're they did and why they should not fight the Enemy as Boldly and Couragiously as they Duel one another I know not This I dare say they will either fight or run away but that 's left to their Discretion James Well but to come more close to the Business you see the Newry's lost and you all agree that if we lose Ardee the Boyne is the next Pass to be defended so that it looks like stopping one Torrent by another Hamilton Goads Bread and I 'le undertake to hold the Enemy play there this whole Summer or I 'le give him leave to make a whistle o' my Tayl James Bravely said Hamilton but is the River fordable for if it be Ham. What if it be I 'le have it undermin'd and blow 'em up if they offer to set foot in the water James Greatly said again Hamilton But I have heard that Old Prince William of Nassau had such a Trick of passing Rivers that Duke d'Alva put the Question whether his Army had wings or no Now suppose our Enemies should have such a knack Ham. Bread a Goad Sir I have men under my Command that will kill a Sparrow or a Tit-Mouse flying much more a Horse or a Man if they do not fly in the Night James But what if they do Ham. What if they do Why then bread a Goad Sir I have a way to prevent that too by driving stakes into the ground all along this side of the River for many Miles together with their upper ends as sharp as Needles so that when they come to light they must of necessity spit themselves with their own weight A General without Stratagems is like a Mountebank without his Receipts James Well my Lords if we can but stop him ten days I make no question but to see an Alteration of the Weather in our Affairs for I have certain intelligence from Our Brother of France that he has so ordered it in England that the Prince's Fleet will not fight but leave the Dutch in the Lurch if they presume an Engagement so that the French being Masters of the Sea we shall have what Assistance we desire here besides a numerous Invasion of England it self to joyn with our Friends in that Kingdom My Brother of France well knows that if I fall his Universal Monarchy must sink My Lords these are my hopes and these my Fears Talbot Does your great Game dear Sir depend upon a ten days stop that 's too too mean to beg of hoary Time We 'll make it Agamemnon's Toyl to gain the Boyne I scorn to fly Ham. And so do I Gillicuddy And so do I Butler And so do I Unless the Souldiers turn their backs and Flie For 't was never my ambition to fight whole Armies alone Enter an Irish Souldier staring and Breathless Tyr. How now Fellow-Souldier what News Sould. By my Shoule Dear Joy very bad I wash one of those that was set to guard the Pash within four miles of the Newry and there we had news that the Danes and the Dutch were advanced as far as the Newry presently they sent us word that if we burnt any more Houses they would give no quarter either to French or Eerish By and by we saw a Party of them appear at a distance and by St. Pautrick they look'd all like your Sharazens with turn-pike Beards on each side their Mouths as sharp as Boars Tushes which made such a great fear upon us that we presently quitted the Pash and made haste to Ardee my Dear Joy Had your Lordship bin there my Dear Joy you would have done the shame by my Shoule Tyrcon Could you observe their Number Sould. By my shoule dear Joy I believe there might be about thirty Thousand Tyrcon How thirty Thousand Man Sould. By my shoule they made so great fear upon me that I have hardly yet recovered my self By St. Pautrick I am shure there was great many more than four hundred Tyr. Well is this all you can say Sould. Yesh