Christs heart and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh how freely himself offers the riches of mercy take why what or whom should we take but himself possess himself thus he standeth calling and crying take me love me receive me eat me drink me let me be yours oh high love he doth not bid the soul take wrath vengeance death or hell but take me Secondly his commands are more to pleasure you then himself why should we take Christ why this is my body that was broken for you my blood that was shed for you take me for your own sakes for you need me to refresh your hearts therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me that may do you all good oh high love Thirdly observe Christ sees our need better then our selves there are bowels of compassion in him what for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much yet so it is here you have not the disciples crying oh Christ give us thy self and blood but here is a Christ who having it and knowing that we stand in need of it offers it freely take oh admirable love Fourthly observe he is not content till you be fully supplyed he setteth no bounds but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold take what who le me all of me my spirit blood mediation with the Father all my righteousness take all he stinteth no man but opens wide the treasure of his grace Fifthly observe hence Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts therefore saith he take imploing as if the trembling heart would say O Lord I dare not these things are too great and good I know thy fears saith Christ but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all for this law comes with power take and eat he bids you take and that on pain of disobedience to Christ when Sathan and sinne and corruption say eat not then remember what Christ your Lord saith take and eat and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger if any say eat not Christ sayes eat though the fears are great and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart yet still Christ biddeth them take and eat Sixthly Christ knew the Saints would tremble on the point of unworthiness therefore he saith take eat why what is it but my body that is broken for you will you throw away that which is for you but you are unworthy why this is that which maketh you worthy because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you and though they may cry out they were unfit he commands them to remember how fit Christ is for them for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak and need nourishment for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart for whom is that act of Christ but for that soul that cries Lord I am unworthy thou shouldest come under my roofe Seventhly he saith take which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth when a man so taketh Christ as that Christ is his take eat this is my body that is broken for you shewing that the Saints ought in the communication of this divine mystery to take Christ wholly by this to claim propriety because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us and we sinne against him if we take him not O therefore take him as your own He saith not onely take but eat you take in order to eating so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ and filled for he is not onely to gaze on as the brasen Serpent was but to feed on as the manna was therefore saith Christ take and eat rendring himself in the most easie way of administration nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat yet behold here First That you had need to be intreated to eat and feed on Christ else what need this word but to note that the Saints were apt to stand still when they should be feeding on Christ therefore saith he take and eat Secondly This is of all other the most easie way of partaking being a natural act for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain yea the pain within is supplyed the hunger satisfied Thirdly He setteth no bounds but take and eat it is a command that lyeth on us for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts for so farre we may eat and no further Christ bids you take what you need implying 1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat else it would not become Christ to bid them but he saith take and eat implying that no Saint can say Lord I have a desire to eat but here is not enough they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt but can find no pardon no Christ bids you eat implying there is enough to feed on 2. He setteth you no time neither but eat as long as you live yea untill his coming again O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever March the 30 the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalfe of my Mother whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world and all things here below and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her and let down the light of his countenance upon her and shew her his face and not his back that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him and give in a gracious answer to it as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances beseeching him that as it was he and he alone that causeth his people to profit so that he would please to give out to this his
poor servant a profiting spirit under his administrations to her which desires were not onely put up before the Lord but are the issuings out of my heart frequently before the Lord on her behalfe March 31 the Lord was exceedingly pleased to put it upon my heart to seek his face in the behalf of my dear Brother desiring above all earthly blessings that the Lord would be pleased to give me him in as a return of prayer that one so night me might not perish in which desires he drew out my heart exceedingly insomuch then and often since so that I could willingly pour out my very life for him that the Lord would but touch his heart in mercy and that that work we hope the Lord hath begun in him he would finish telling the Lord withall that he had said what ever we ask beleeving we shall receive beseeching him to increase my saith telling him further that it was my desire to beleeve and expect the return of this poor desire in his own time and how it might make most for his glory and that if it were his will to let me see it and that seeing he had given me thus much boldness from the experience of his richness in answering the desires of my poor soul both for my self and others that he would also please to give in this poor Brother as a return of prayer and help me to give him the glory of it and truly immediately before this duty it was much set upon my heart to beg of God to manifest his pleasure to me in this thing and in drawing out my heart and the heart of others of his people on his behalfe March 31. In my morning-sacrifice I had this discovery or experiment hinted upon my spirit that if it were so good to be in the heart of Gods people as my soul had found by experience it was being really perswaded that much of the soul-mercies that I enjoy came in through the prayers of some of Gods people for me oh what is it then to be in the heart of God! for truly had I not been in his heart the being in their heart would little have advantaged me April the sixteenth the Lord having been pleased two or three dayes before much to disappoint that expectation of my soul providence casting me among several godly persons and finding little of God drop from them to my spiritual advantage as also finding my own heart exceedingly bound up whiles I was in their company when as I was going home it so seised upon my spirit that I thought my very heart was overset and would have burst within me all which put my soul into a holy awe and trembling for fear lest the Lord should also at this present withdraw from me which put my soul upon a more earnest and importunate seeking of him to appear to my soul through every ordinance of his that I might see his face and not his back urging of him very much with the promise that he had said that the seed of Jacob should not seek his face in vaine beseeching the Lord that it might be made good to my soul at this time the next day if he should please to adde this one opportunity more to me telling him withall that it was true I might yea I had sought other things in vaine I but should I seek his face in vaine now that I come onely to seek his face relying on his promise he had made me that I should not seek in vaine and therefore I did desire to roul upon it beseeching him to increase my faith that I might really and indeed expect the performance and making of it good at this present to my soul and truly I dare not but to his praise acknowledg and desire that the remembrance of it might dwel upon my heart and the Lord was pleased in a wonderfull manner to manifest himself this day being the 17 of April to my soul through which that whole day both in prayer and preaching every word in prayer coming as if it had been fetched from the bottom of my heart and every word in the Sermons being of such spiritual concernment to me that I could not but acknowledg the Lord mightily present through his servant Mr. Knight this day And truly this former appearance of God having so rasished my heart and refreshed my spirit I was also imboldened to seek the Lord for his appearance April 20. beseeching him that as he had begun his work in abundant measure in mercy that he would also please to go on and adde this one mercy more and trust me with it and give me a heart to improve it to his glory that as he had given me this abundant experience of not seeking his face in vaine so that he would strengthen my faith even at this time also to call upon him and truly the Lord was pleased also to bow down and appear abundantly to my soul this day also through Mr. Knight April 27. I gave up in a note this day that one desires to praise the Lord that amidst all the trials he hath been pleased to excercise her under in this pilgrimage he hath been pleased to give her some tastes of the rest that is onely to be enjoyed in himself beseeching him so to increase her faith that she may be enabled to live upon a promise this was given up to Mr. Knight to spread before the Lord April 24. 1653. For one whom the Lord hath been pleased out of his free grace to set his first love upon and continually to follow with mercy upon mercy and to give in one return upon the neck of another notwithstanding she had often in the rebellion of her heart said that God had covered all her prayers with a cloud and would never answer any of them which yet he hath abundantly done which she is not able any way sufficiently to admire or blesse his name for and therefore desires that those whose hearts the Lord hath more inlarged to this glorious heavenly work would help to blesse and praise that name of God whom there is none like unto who continually waiteth that he may be gracious beseeching him that he would also enable her soul to wait to blesse and praise his name yea wait for a heart suited to all these wonderful appearances of his to her soul that she might be more and more dedicated and given up to him and him alone in all she hath is or shall be enabled to do this also was given up to Mr. Knight April 26. apprehending that one propounded to the Church intended to address himself to the Church for admission being before much dissatisfied concerning him yet finding much inclination in the spirits of others to him I was exceedingly troubled about it and besought the Lord to direct me what to do in it beseeching him also to appear among us and give in his spirit that it might be to us a spirit of discerning that he would be pleased
may prove the reallest advantage of spiritual good to my soul yet fearing whether it do indeed come from him or no causeth some trembling upon my spirit how to act if it be a plot of his it is a fair one arising after this manner having often found great appearances of God as I hope I may say to his praise I have in other of his ordinances but finding my heart oftentimes very much shut up as it were and given over to deadness dulness and heaviness of spirit which was no way suitable to a spiritual heart and soul-quickning ordinance and finding this very much to prevail even at this present desiring your prayers that the Lord would direct me what to do by discovering to my soul whether indeed it doth arise from a subtilty of Sathan yea or no or whether it be a lively alarum from heaven to my soul thus trembling in my self whether my forbearance may not be found a yeilding to Sathan or whether on the other side I may not attempt and provoke the Lord by rushing unpreparedly upon his holy things thus desiring to give up my self into the hands of the Lord waiting for the breathings of his spirit through the help of your prayers I beseech the Lord alone to guide and lead my soul in all its motions and actions in this present world untill he shall bring it to a full enjoyment of himself in the perfection of holiness which my soul waiteth and longeth for where I shall fully enjoy what now my poor soul hath but a transient taste of which the Lord accomplish in his own time and make me willing to wait my appointed time until my change come that when ever my Lord comes I may be found watching The 10 of this 8 moneth oh my soul did not the Lord give me a gracious answer and return to this desire and prayer forementioned even whiles thou wert pouring out thy soul before the Lord wherein thou didst lament the corruption of thy heart begging of the Lord that he would subdue this wicked frame of spirit this deadness and dulness in his services and continuing issuing out of corruption pleading and arguing it out with the Lord after this manner that though thou wert unworthy altogether to beg any mercy from him or this mercy yet were there not others of his poor servants that were pleading with him for my poor soul nay was not my Lord Jesus now at his right hand pleading for me that I might not be pulled out of his hand For how can the Lord endure wickedness any lust or corruption to possesse my heart and take the Scepter out of his hand and so to rule and reign over me nay could my soul bear it to be thus over-powred and to have my heart thus drawn from Christ and thus captivated by sinne and Sathan when one word of his mouth could set my soul at liberty beseeching the Lord to search me and to try me for he knew whether those desires and teares and groanes came from my heart yea or no yea I know thou dost search me and knowest my heart but Lord discover also to me and if there be any hypocrisy in my spirit in this regard oh that thou wouldest answer me so by fire to consume that drosse and corruption in my soul yea whatsoever thyrighteous eyeseeth in me that is darkening to thy glory and withall telling the Lord how like a flood of mighty waters this corruption come in upon me one wave following another that I had no power to withstand it though he had discovered much of himself to my sonl and of the riches of his grace and emptiness of all other things that yet my soul should so run after vanity beseeching the Lord to give a real turn to all the affections of my soul and to fix them upon the Lord Jesus Christ where they shall be sure to be returned This was in the morning of the 10. day then did the Lord further satisfie and quiet my heart in my Evening sacrifice that same day his spirit breathed in my soul after this manner dear Lord oh that thou wouldest suppresse this spirit of murmuring under thy hand and if thou wilt have thy poor creature still to wrestle and strive under a body of death and corruption and temptations and snares and intanglements oh that thou wouldst help me in this work that I may not yeild under it but may hold out in a continual resistance and sighing and never give over or making any peace with sinne and though thou dost not see meet utterly to root out sinne yet oh Lord give it its deadly blow let it be still dying and withering and decaying and work in my soul growing and increasing even untill thou hast fully perfected it About the tenth of this eighth month this experience was given in to my soul by the Lord concerning Sathans dealing with my soul and some refreshments to support my spirit under it Oh my soul hath not Sathan dealt with thee concerning this great ordinance of the Lords supper even as he hath formerly done concerning the great duty of prayer how often hath he suggested to thee that it is to no end to pray to the Lord reasoning thus with thee oftentimes dost thou think there is any such God as thou prayest to did he ever hear thee or give thee any token of answer why then dost thou continually appeal to him and pour out thy soul before him and hath he not done just thus about this ordinance of the Lords Supper thou wicked spirit how often hast thou been proved a lyar what eminent tokens hath God given me of his hearing prayer from time to time both concerning my self and others and therein have proved thee a lyar and why then oh my soul shouldst thou not beleeve that Sathan will also prove a lyar in this is not the Lord yesterday and to day and for ever is his arm shortened or his hand weakened that he cannot save and deliver and appear to thee in as glorious a manner as ever oh then wait for him and what if thou waitest untill thy dissolution it will be happinesse more then thou dost deserve to be found waiting yet thou dost not know how soon he may appear to thee About the middle of the eight month 1653 O my soul what are thy continued fears are they not lest any thing should withdraw or steal away thy heart from the Lord dost not thou daily beg of him rather to crucifie all thy earthly desires what ever then any way to satisfie any of them A Letter to Mr. Knight the sixteenth of the eighth Moneth 1653. In Answer to the former desire to him the ninth of the same moneth to blesse the Lord for the Answer Dear Sir Having formerly in the time of my sadnesse desired your remembrance before the Lord who hath appeared in prayer both publick and private as also many other wayes thereby staying my poor spirit to wait upon him
this hand of his in a lively manner quicken up my spirit and cause it to work up lively in his presence 2. Yea he did by it give me a clear sight of the workings of my own heart of its desire at the last to be fully resigned unto him and be wholly at hisdispose more then ever before yea I found my desire to be wrought up unto that pitch to seek his glory first in all things 3. Yea the Lord by this means drew up and drew out my heart to a longing earnest and vehement desire to be led and guided by him in all his wayes telling him that I was such a poor foolish weak creature that I was not able to go one step in any of my wayes natural or spiritual without him and therefore seeing that he had promised to guide the simple and lead the weak that he would now in an eminent manner appear to be my guide in all my wayes even to the death and not at any time leave me to my self or the vanities and allurements of this world the temptations of Satan or the wicked corruptions of my own heart I being so ready to be drawn aside by them and therefore begging again and again to be kept by his mighty power 4. Yea I had through this occasion a renewed token from my God Father filling my heart wâ—th such joy and confident expectation of his appearance even before the duty wherein I sought it of him was ended which made me beg of him to encrease and keep up my faith and not suffer Satan to cause a damp in it causing me any more to distrust his love who had so largely manifested it from time to time to me 5. Yea did not the Lord shew me how righteous it was with him that I who had so often rashly said that did not trouble my headvvith these things though I then saw it not the Lord shewed me that it was righteous with him that I should now not only have my head troubled but my heart also so that all along the Lord was pleased to outvvit Satan so that what he thought to have made a snare to intrap me in the Lord made as great an advantage to my soul as ever any administration was The next Lords day being the first of this 11th Moneth 1653. being filled in the morning with very sad thoughts and apprehensions of my own darkness and deadness and the like beseeching the Lord that it might be no bar or hinderance to his appearance to my poor soul that day but that he would appear so much the more by how much the darker I was for by so much the more would the glory of his grace shine forth upon such a a dark creature O how gloriously did the Lord appear this day in answer to these desires and that in a lively unexpected way in guiding Mr. Knight in his Sermon which was now fixed upon John 3. 19. to begin with it that day that suited me for I did onely expect as himself had formerly intended that he should only hold forth the sadness of their condition who love darkness more then light but when he came to meditate about it he could not as he told me afterwards get over the first words of light coming into the world the Lord drawing out his heart that day to treat wholly about Jesus Christ being sent a light into the world to enlighten poor dark creatures which came in so seasonably and sutably upon my poor heart that I cannot but much admire the grace of God in it The next day being the eighth day of the eleventh moneth and the Lords day O how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear to my poor distressed soul in answer to its desires and groans before him making use of our dear Pastour as the instrument of his conveyance even throughout the whole service of the day the truth is I am not able to declare the goodness of the Lord to my soul at this time O that I could admire it for I cannot express it what seasonable truths refreshments counsels and directions the Lord was pleased to hint out to me this day A Copy of some desires which I spread before the Lord which were offered up upon a day of Humiliation THere is one who desires a share in the Petitions that are this day poured out in the spirit to the Lord beseeching him that as he sent his own son into the world to be a light to those who sit in darkness and to guide their feet in his wayes that he would be pleased to make him appear to be so to their souls by undertaking to be their guide and leader in all their wayes and to that end that he would be pleased to reveal his will more fully to them go in all their wayes before them and inable them cheerfully to follow him but at no time to go before without him or stay behinde him This was in relation to my self and my present condition desiring still to see the Lord more clearly going before me Upon the reading this Bill in my behalf they seemed all of them that read it to be exceedingly taken with it reading it over and over again and pausing upon it finding it to take much upon them upon which my wicked heart being too ready to swell how graciously was the Lord pleased to cast in such expressions as these upon Mr. Blake's heart which after some time pausing upon it he uttered which did much abase my spirit It is an easie matter said he to speak and present fine words in papers and in prayers but if we should now enter into a serious examination of our own hearts what we have done towards the attainment of these things which we thus desire that the Lord may be petitioned for perhaps our hearts may charge us of much hypocrisie and neglect therein in matters of bodily sickness and pains we do not onely seek the Lord but we observe all means that we can for cure and try all Physicians and the like but have we done so for the attainment of these spiritual mercies or no vve could be content perhaps if God vvould do it vvithout us and our pains in the serious consideration vvhereof hovv sadly did my guilty heart fly in my face though not in reference to this present desire I must confess yet in reference to many other desires that I have formerly spread before the Lord for the subduing of pride and passion and other corruptions vvhich I vvould gladly have subdued and yet in my course I gave too much vvay to them and set not so strict a watch over mine ovvn heart as I onght as I desire the Lord to help me to do O my soul hovv graciously vvas the Lord pleased to appear this day being the second day of this tvvelsth moneth through Mr. Knights Ministry at Westminster Abby as a God hearing prayer yea ansvvering thy desires as to those petitions put up over night
hovv gloriously vvas the Lord pleased to unvail the Lord Jesus Christ to thee as a Physician to poor sick souls vvhich discovery of him as it vvas very glorious so most suitable to the present estate of thy spirit being as I trust I may truly say sick of its self of all its vvayes and doubts and failings to all my relations conversations and O hovv svveet and seasonable vvas it novv to hear of such a Physician as he was gloriously held out to be from that 9 Matth. 12. and for the other suit in causing my soul deeply to fall in love with him and to be really taken off from all things else even for this I desire to wait until the same Lord shall please to give in as gracious an answer which I trust he will also do in his due time And for those requests put up this morning I could not but acknowledge that the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down and give me a sensible token of his glorious and gracious presence through which that present mercy in prayer every word coming as it were from my very heart in both the prayers before and after Sermon being the very groans and breathings of my soul before the Lord and every word in the Sermon almost being as it were spoken from heaven to my heart so fully and in those very things that my heart was at that very time burthened withall and I thought to have vented to Mr. Knight our dear Pastor the day before which if the Lord had not prevented me in I really fear that I should not have had so clear and gracious a sight of God in this his appearance but should have thought surely he had spoken those things in relation to me but blessed be that God that ordereth things so as to give his poor creature a more clear sight of the riches of his grace even as a prayer-hearing God and all this notwithstanding the rebellions of my spirit even under the hopes of his appearances breaking out into that rash and sinful word being exceedingly wearied going up and down Westminster-hall and to White-hall and to and fro up and down then as I said did the passion of my wicked spirit cause me to break out into this foolish sinful expression saying If I had known this I would not have come out this day when as perhaps the Lords intent by it was to try me and make the folly of my heart appear to me and see how my faith could bear up against those discouragements and bodily trials for my body was much distempered and in this my walking up and down I had a pain took me under my side that strook through my brest to my heart that I looked every moment when I should fall down in the street as I went along and as I came back yet notwithstanding all this my rebellion and repenting of my journey was the Lord pleased not to do by me as righteously he might for he repented not of his intended kindness to me though I repented at my waiting upon him for it and though I was full of changes yet he changed not but when the Lord was pleased to bring me back again to Westminster and that in due time I was glad and began to recover my spirit again O how was my heart filled as it were with this exceeding appearance of the Lord and in some measure inlarged that evening to bless his Name who had so often appeared and to all added the mercy of this day manifesting self to be a God hearing prayer but O that cursed unbelief of my wicked heart that hath had so much and so manifold appearances of God and of his goodness and should yet trust him no more which also greatly drew out my heart to beg of him to crucifie my unbelief but I confess this was it that often gave the turn and draweth a cloud as it were before me even the mighty prevalences of corruption in my soul which maketh me often to cry out Lord when shall I see this body of death and sin subdued and crucified and my soul fully subjected to thee this being the burthen of my soul even then when the Lord shines forth most clearly upon my heart to think what an unsuitable frame of spirit is there in me to all those wonderful wayes of the Lord towards me that by all the sights he gives me of himself and his will I am no more changed into his likeness The 15 day of this twelfth Moneth at night the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart to beg of him the rooting out of those corruptions issuing out of my heart to the creature and gathering of it up into him self and ordering my affections and the like as also being greatly drawn out to bless and praise him beseeching him to inable me to it to bless him for his answers so often given me to the importunate desires and requests of my soul when I had so often tempted him for it was not Israel only that tempted him ten times but I had often tempted him so that he might have righteously given that I begged of him and a curse together with it but I did now greatly desire to bless him that hitherto he had denied me in it beseeching him so to do still and subject my soul to him in all my wayes begging him earnestly that he would once work my heart to such assurance that I might be careful in nothing and in nothing thoughtful for or studious about any thing here below and to give up my self wholly to be at his dispose yea more then ever I had been to any bodily Physician beseeching him now that he would undertake to be my souls Physician and to cure me of those soul-distempers in my affections and practises let the physick be vvhat he vvill let it but be of his prescribing and to support my spirit under his hand and make it vvilling to submit to his vvill and then Lord do with me vvhat thou vvilt And novv father what are those requests that thou vvilt hear hast thou not said what ever we ask in thy Sons name thou wilt hear vvhy in thy Sons name I desire to come for J have nothing else to plead there is nothing in me but for thy Sons sake the Son of thy bosome and love who died for poor sinners such as thy poor vvorm is for his sake and in his Name J come unto thee and thou hast said whatsoever we ask according to thy vvill thou wilt hear Novv Lord is not this agreeable to thy will to be conformed more to thee and have my vvill more subjected to thee and my affections more placed upon thee O then Lord seeing thou saiest What we ask believing we shall have it Lord increase my faith help me to wait upon thee believingly The eighteenth of this twelfth moneth having been these eight or nine days last past somewhat distempered in body which distemper prevailing more and
any time been spoken to me in way of comfort by Mr. Love who onely was acquainted with my fears it tooke no hold upon me at all nor abode upon my spirit save only in the minute it was spoken for the truth is I was then too remisse in taking notice or observing the passages of Gods providence towards me not being able then to beleeve that it was indeed a work of God upon my soul which since through grace he hath been pleased more evidently to declare Then coming from thence to London much about the year 1645. being now a little instructed in the notional knowledg of many points in religion I had now a new temptation besetting me in this manner that if I would but walk more closely with the Lord and make more conscience of all known duties whether hearing prayer meditation examination c. That then I might more comfortably look up unto the Lord and also find in my self divers qualifications annexed to several promises which might much comfort me which work I began to set about indeavouring to tye my self strictly to it and according as I was able desiring the Lords assistance and withall making him many promises that if he would make out love to me I would be and do thus and thus But upon trial finding my self to fail in every thing sometimes through temptation to neglect or put off duties for a time which was occasion'd many wayes sometimes being in company I could not well leave or the like all which weighing in my mind did stil augment and increase my trouble finding this strict course though yet I could not keep close to to be a burthen to me with many such wicked thoughts whereby I came to apprehend my self as it were still farther and farther from heaven and happiness in all which time I could find little ground of any comfort unless taken from my desires which I could not apprehend constant neither But indeavouring still to go on in this poor way of performances I had some smal comfort finding as I thought some qualifications in my soul which were annexed unto divers promises where-upon I was somewhat at the present stayed and began to gather up some tottering hopes of the goodness of my condition from Mat. 11. 28. and such like Scriptures Then living near unto Mr. Love and the Presbyterian government being then about to be set up I had much strife in my self whether to joyn with them in it or no and so to partake of the ordinances whereby I might come to have my interest in the Lord Jesus Christ sealed up unto me being exceeding fearfull lest if I should slight or put off such an opportunity it might be laid to my charge another day that I had it offered me but would not accept of it so that at last I resolved to joyn with them and partake of the ordinance that so I might come to have my graces strengthened and my corruptions weakened and also come to enjoy more communion with Jesus Christ which I had some weak distracted though no abiding hopes of Thus having been before the elders there examined somewhat touching my knowledg c. and the time of administration of the Lords-supper drawing nigh I indeavoured for some dayes before in a serious and solemn manner to set my self in the Lords presence beseeching him to fit me for it together with the examination of my own heart both touching my duties and graces as also touching my sins and wants which I desired a supply of still begging of the Lord in all this time of my trouble that he would not give me over to a deceived heart what ever he did with me so as to think better of my condition than indeed it was but that he would please thoroughly to discover my condition and heart to me and thus with some smal hopes yet mixed with a great deal of fear I did that time partake of the ordinance the which I had no sooner almost done but Sathan begins to suggest to me that I had now eaten and drank my own damnation in receiving that whereto I had no right through so many fears and doubtings in my own spirit and that therefore now in stead of receiving strength I should be everyday more and more hardened and have my damnation sealed up to me instead of my salvation But pausing here a while and considering that I had indeavoured to do my duty according to my knowledg and power in examining my own heart what my ends aimes desires and wants were and according to my ability desired the Lord to make it a strengthening and sealing ordinance to me indeavouring to satisfie my self with these and such like thoughts that my desire was to serve and walk with the Lord though I could not do it thus I continued between hope and fear about a moneth space intending not to partake of the ordinance the next time fearing my self not to be fit for it finding my heart as I thought in a very unfitting frame but manifesting this intent to some friends they put me upon these thoughts that the way to be fit for duties or ordinances is not to neglect them as also relling me that if I were unfit for that ordinance I was as well unfit to live and therefore that was no just plea thus being troubled yet fearing to omit it I again partook of it where the Lord was pleased through the ministery of his word that day to hint out to me that amongst others there were two sorts of men that might safely and comfortably partake of that ordinance as 1. All those that had longing desires after the Lord Jesus Christ 2. All doubting fearing Christians that come with doubts fears to it it being ordained of God to be a strengthening sealing ordinance c. which though it afforded me some smal refreshment for the present yet did it not abide but my trouble still continuing yea increasing being thereby unfit for any earthly imployment and yet weary of duties reading and writing c. In which I spent my chief time Yet thus going on in a road of duties and performances sometimes finding some affection and assistance and sometimes not which when I did find in any measure Oh! how was my wretched heart ready to be puffed up and rejoyce in it and began to think that now I had done somewhat and that surely now the Lord would hear me but beginning to consider more seriously what I had done indeed and how many wandering thoughts and distractions had passed by me and that any wicked wretch in the world might do and did do as much as I and yet the Lord never regarded them I began to be exceedingly troubled that such wicked thoughts should arise in my heart imagining that it was just with the Lord for these wicked thoughts to blast all my desires which I really conceived he did Then considering that the prayers and all the duties of the wicked are abomination and things
66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13 14 15 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his even to mind me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling as I ought of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind though in a greater degree lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver and doubtless there might be something in this though I should also wrong my self should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth in the night I had little or no rest by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater but both meeting it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh which thought it self ready to give up under it but my thoughts being continually working I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death which seemed at times as it were to approach often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning yet said I nothing for fear of affrighting my Mother yet had I also between times a great desire together with a kind of perswasion that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham thus I say finding in my spirit some kind of reluctancy at death of which considering a little it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified but finding it still to work up was no smal trouble to me which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death and if I know my heart in any measure that only which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day if the Lord should please to enable me to go and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace but being enabled to consider better of it I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer temptation to distrust the power and love of God to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good and to this end I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work yea work together for good to them that love God c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind and wrought afresh upon my heart which did exceedingly refresh my spirit so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit and after that was a little quieted I had a little short slumber and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodily distemper as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated in so much as I thought it was now quite gone but that very night was the Lord pleased to return yea to heighten it constraining me to keep house certain days whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it which was some trouble to me whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it and to sanctifie it unto me giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth But upon the seventh day of this moneth Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget who was upon remove into the Country with many thoughts there abouts which were now brought to my mind which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature for comfort and support as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort and relation if he savv meet to deprive me of it the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde by leaning upon such poor reeds and diging to my self such poor pits such broken Cisterns as could indeed hold no vvater and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living vvaters Jer. 2. 13. Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture I find recorded in 1 King 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel which had appeared to him twice even so I saw the Lord had just cause to be angry with me that I should thus again return to the creature and as it were make a God of it yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab who had been at ease from his youth and was setled on his lees who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel neither had gone into captivity and therefore his taste remained in him and his sent was not changed Jer. 48. 11 now finding this given by the Spirit of God as the reason why his sent remained even because he had not been emptied c. I could not but stand and wonder what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart whom the Lord had not left at ease but had often emptied from vessel to vessel as it were trying alwayes and means with me and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth and of the old man and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh 2 Chron. 32.
might have cause to praise him even to all eternity for this unspeakable mercy This latter was written in the behalf of one in near relation afterwards it was exceedingly set upon my heart not to do it onely in his behalf but also in the behalf of other poor dark souls in relation to me May the 4. Oh my soul must thou not needs acknowledg the Lord a God hearing the very groanes of thy soul before they were effectually put up puting in at the very time a seasonable word into the mouthes of his servants suiting to thy troubles and fears supporting thy spirit under them abundantly And did not the Lord that same day May 4. by a letter that as soone as I came home came to my hands gave my soul great hopes of a begun work upon that poor soul which came as it were as a fresh return of prayer this very person being in my heart in these desires that were then put up May 21. the Lord was pleased one Evening very much to draw out my heart to beg his appearance to my soul in every ordinance in a more full and lively manner then formerly and next day being the first day of the week truly the Lord was pleased very much to appear in the morning to refresh and chear my heart and so also in the ordinance of the supper for which bless the Lord O my soul The fourth of the fourth moneth In the Evening I found my heart very dead and dull to any spiritual service yet the Lord was pleased to draw it out in this request to him begging a special presence of his the next day both in prayer and preaching and the ordinance of the supper begging the Lord to appear through his servant that was to administer in his name that there might be such a lively presence and appearance of God through him as might be a token of good to my soul And truly the Lord was pleased the next day in a lively manner to appear not onely suiting his appearance to that dead dull frame my wretched heart was in to him but doing abundantly above even my expectation in some sense riding triumphantly and gloriously in the charet of his word The 13 of this fourth moneth in the Evening the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to plead with him to discover to me what the desires the hungrings and the thirstings of my soul were indeed after telling him withall that as farre as I knew my own heart it was not after the world the profits pleasures or any thing in it beseeching him to search and try me and if I were deceived in this to discover it to me and to be so farre from satisfying any thirst of my soul after any thing besides himself as to blast it and to make me sensible of it and humble before him for it but telling him withall that he had promised that he that hungers and thirsts after righteousness they shall be satisfied and filled and truely if I know any thing of my own heart this is it my soul waiteth for and brayeth after to be made more like him more conformable to him to have the spirit of a child put upon me whereby I might be more like unto him and more dedicated and given up in all my wayes to him but that if it were not thus with me but that I were deceived in it I did then beg above all things in the world that the Lord would discover it unto me The 25 of this fourth moneth my spirit wasdrawn out to beg the Lords appearance the next day and suiting my heart to it which I found in a very dead dul frame beseeching the Lord that his appearance might not answer that wretched frame my heart was then in but that my heart might be put in frame to meet with him As also that the Lord would be pleased to provide a portion for every poor soul that desires to see his face and to seek his presence that they might find some word suitable to their condition and how richly and abundantly did the Lord answer each of those desires both in behalf of my own soul and also on the behalf of others how gloriously did the Lord appear and ride triumphantly in the Charet of his word this day in the morning presenting very glorious usefull truths seasonable to my poor soul which the Lord enable me to practise and make use of enabling me to improve the promises to this great work of cleaning from corruption Yea the Lord was pleased in a further way to answer my desires for others putting in a very seasonable word of his to my Cozen Jefferson concerning free-will who was much in my thoughts in my former requests shewing how the promises were made in respect of our own weakness and nothingness for had the creature any power God need not promise to do all The Lord having thus appeared this morning there arose in my heart a question at noon whether I should not publickly by Mr. Knight offer up praises to the Lord for this appearance of his but through many fears that arose upon my spirit lest it might be misconstrued as if I did desire to appear to be somebody with the like temptation was kept off yet notwithstanding some trouble to my spirit for I was greatly desirous to have blessed the Lord publickly for it yet how did the Lord appear in answer to this secret desire of mine For Mr. Knight himself upon his own account did largely blesse the Lord for his appearance in the midst of the day and so throughout with which my heart did really close and so did our Sister Arnal as she said afterward as well as my self greatly rejoycing that the Lord drew out his heart in that wherein her heart and mind also did so abundantly joyn Our Brethen having made some entrance into the private conference and somewhat of God appearing from several of them my heart was much drawn out to propound some questions to them having two or three things upon my spirit wherein I was much unsatisfied and having resolved upon the thing in general there arose a great dispute in my spirit which question to propound first for they all left much weight upon my spirit and amongst others I had a very strong desire to propound this what means might be best available for the subduing of pride and strong debate had I in my spirit before I could passe this over yet at the last my spirit was overcome to propound another which proved very suitable to many other spirits in which I saw some hand of God Yet did my heart earnestly long after some resolutions concerning that of pride but how gloriouly did the Lord a while after the 26 of this fourth moneth appear in answer to it shewing me that there is no way like to the taking of the advantage of the ordinances which the Lord enable me to do About the end of this fourth
world to see with what countenance my Lord looketh upon this and the other action being I hope desirous I am sure if my heart deceive me not to see the will of my God in every promise providence and administration 4 The Lord hath made me faithful in that he hath put into my soul this earnest desire that my ends in all I do might onely be to seek the advancement of him my Lord whom I desire only to serve daily begging of him I might no more live to my self as I have too much and have too long done yea when I finde any thing of my self or self-ends to appear or break forth though but in the buds is it not bitter to my soul and such as imbitters the best action to me though otherwise never so good And this desire of serving the Lord I may upon experience say I finde to differ not only from that slavish fear that is in others I will not say so though I suppose it to be true also but from that slavish fear that did too much predominate in my own poor soul which did in the time of my bondage cause me to fear rather then love him but now the Lord hath in some measure been screwing up my obedience to an higher note or pin that it is now to a Lord and Father whom at last I would love And I do also lament before him in the sincerity of my soul that I can love him no more who have so much loveliness in him yea nothing but loveliness yea it is a service of a Lord who wills all and maketh the law and maketh it to be just because he can do no evil and I would I could continually meditate upon this his will but this is it I daily press after and mourn under the want of the clear sight of this that there should be so much fear in my heart concerning the issue or event of any thing wherein my Lord shall be pleased at any time to declare his will to lie in Further discoveries of Faithfulness 1. Faithfulness appears in the reality of the heart serving the Lord with all the heart soul and strength and so faithfulness in prayer lieth not in the pouring out of words though with some affection but doing it with all the heart soul and strength and a full exercise of every grace to the utmost in every service I do for Christ And O my soul is not this that thou daily pressest after though thou canst not fully attain unto it what else maketh thee to mourn over thy prayers and duties but that thou findest no more of thy heart and strength in them Is not thy constant desire that all thy soul and strength might be offered up to God in every service thou doest him 2. They are faithful servants of Christ that do all they do in order to a trust from Christ who intrusteth them with his Ordinances with their health wealth comforts injoyments all I have is but a trust from Christ now to be faithful is to improve this trust to God to do all the good that possible I can by his Ordinances to do every service to him as they that indeed exercise a point of trust he intrusting me with his glory in this world faithfulness is to make the utmost advantage to raise up his glory in this world make him appear great And so faithfulness in improving all the graces that God and Christ intrusteth me with by improving of them to make the utmost advantage for him and so for health and all outward comforts Now O my soul hath not the Lord written this in thy very heart that all that ever thou hast and enjoyest both spiritual and temporal whether ordinances graces comforts all thy enjoyments that thou hast by trust from Christ and must be improved for him and not spent upon thy self or this world and doth not the thoughts of this make thee daily mourn before the Lord that thou canst not improve them better that he hath so little revenue of glory from thee and by thee but that so much of his stock lies as it were dead and unimproved doth not the sight of this cause thee to mourn daily before him that he should intrust thee with so much and receive from thee so little Now O my soul doth not the thoughts of this make thee cry daily out to the Lord beseeching him to reveal his mind will to thee how he would have thee improve this or that other mercy or trust committed to thee and not onely teach thee his will in it but also help thee to improve it to his glory continually Yea O my soul is there not a continued fear upon thy heart which causeth thee often times to pour out strong cryes before the Lord that he would help thee to give him the glory of all the mercy and good things he betrusteth thee with at any time as also that there might never be found in thee any backwardness or unwillingness to give up thy trust in any thing whatever into his own hands when ever he sees meet to call for it which seemeth to note a further degree of faithfulness Further discoveries of Faithfulness at the same time 1 Faithfulness appears in the generality of it when a man is faithful in all that he hath though all that he hath be but a little and truly herein I have great cause to lament before the Lord for in the stead of being faithful in all that I have there is much unfaithfulness in me that appears in all that the Lord trusteth me with and yet O my soul maiest thou not also say that there is some degree of this faithfulness or at least a desire after it in thee and maiest thou not say By this law of thy Lord as Paul doth of the Law of God in general With my mind I even my self serve this Law of God in faithfulness though in my flesh I do too often rebel against it which is my daily burthen from which evil in thy own time deliver me oh my God and this I desire to wait for 2. Faithfulness appears in being faithful notwithstanding all difficulties that accompany them in their services Now O my soul hast thou not abundantly cause to give glory to God that hath been pleased to make thee thus faithful in any degree or measure in this respect who by his own hand power hath carried thee through many a reproach and scoff and scorn and by words making thee like Isaac who was still persecuted by Ishmael and hath not this been thy Lot by some ever reproaching thee scoffing deriding thee backbiting speaking evil abundantly of thee and yet falsly doing their utmost to bring thee out of favour with those whose love thou highly prisest and have reason for it And how did the Lord make thee to lie down under this when others taxed thee of hypocrisie and the like to search thy own heart and bemoan before the Lord the
so much that I offend any Relation as that I grieve the spirit of God in all my actions and in all my Relations in this world I hope that my soul is in the first place set to serve my Lord in the duties to them as that which he requires and my be for his honor if done rightly and though I do often transgress the commands of my Lord Jesus yet I trust I do not make it my work but it my daylie burthen 2. My desires and daylie grones before the Lord are that I might be wholly devoted and given up to Jesus in my whole inward and outward man and I would that all my poor parts and strength and time yea all my inward and outward Talents should be improved in his service wholly how often doth my soul breath before the Lord after this manner Oh Father is it not long enough yea too too long that I have been too too much at Satans beck and the worlds yea and mine own Oh that it might be thus no longer and that I might no longer live to my self or seek or please my self in any thing but that my whole soul may be set to please my Lord Jesus is it not my daylie burthen that I have too too much sought and served my self both in natural and spiritual things that I have had too many self-ends and designes which the Lord crucifie fully for my Lords sake and as for the service of the world if I know any thing of mine own heart it is my daily desire prayer and indeavour to throw the world wholly out of my heart That I might not do any service any longer to sin or Satan and if at any time they do get any little from me how grudgingly and repiningly is it done yea is it not the grief of my soul that I have had any expectation or desires after any thing in the world or of this world that my eye is not wholly and really upon Jesus Christ for expectation provision and all what I need 3ly Though I have a wretched heart that hath and still would be picking its work thinking that other servants of Christ they have an easier work and go through this world filled filled with the joy of the Holy Ghost yea and have their cups of earthly blessings overflowing and hereupon my wicked heart hath been carried disorderly to long after and wish for such a condition and think that I had a hard portion to be always afflicted with inward and outward distempers and weaknesses trials in bodily afflictions of most sorts and invvard vveaknesses infirmities temptations of divers kinds and in high degrees suffered my name especially for my desire to walk in the wayes and services of my Lord which my wicked heart thought very hard and to this day is too ready sometimes to murmure though through the goodness of my God it hath not the power or strength that it hath had yet the very rising of it causeth my soul still to beg strength against it and a thorow victory over it begging daily a submissive frame of spirit to the will of my Lord in all things desiring no more to pick and chuse my condition and work but begging the Lord to chuse for me who knoweth what is best for me and if he seeth meet that I should serve him in the fire of affliction inward or outward that he would but subject my heart to his wil sanctifie that condition to me and do with me what he please 7ly Doth there not appear some degree of faithfulnesse in thee in that thou lovest most whom thou esteemest to do most for Christ and daily mournst that others do no more for him then thou doest is it not a continual burthen to thee that thou canst do no more for Christ and art imployed no more by him Maiest thou not say safely before the Lord who knoweth the truth of it that thy heart is not taken with any creature in this world what ever it be and if upon any yet upon no other account whatever but only as they are servants to thy Lord and what ever their other adjournings were whether beauty or parts or riches and honour or whatever none of all these did to thy remembrance advance any creature in the esteem of thy soul 8ly Wouldest thou not gladly O my soul be putting on others yea and bless the Lord if he would please to inable thee to this work that seeing thou canst do so little for him thy self that he would inable thee to spur on others to do more for him then thou canst and is it not thy burthen that through one temptation or other thou art so much prevented in this blessed work also To what end else are thy words and writings to others and continued begging of their remembrance of thee before the Lord 9ly Is it not thy daily grief that both thy self and others move so slowly in this work to see men lose their first love and walk not so rightly and faithfully with Christ as formerly is not this thy daily grief and burthen and that which sometimes even overwhelmeth thy spirit 10ly O my soul doest thou not desire continually to blesse the Lord that he hath made thee his servant to serve him in any work for what art thou that the Lord should chuse thee out to be his servant when he might have taken others that might have done more service yea doest not thou bless the Lord O my soul more in that he hath made thee his servant then that he hath given thee riches or honour or esteem in the world are these any thing in thy eye in comparison of being made his servant did not the Lord bring thee to that pass before he appeared in way of comfort to thee to make thee beg of him upon thy knees that thou maiest but be made a servant of his whatever else thou underwentest though thou shouldest be made as the off-scouring of all things or forced to beg thy bread in this world yet that thou mightest but be his servant 11ly O my soul maiest thou not say that infirmities are more afflictive because impediments in the service of Christ then because they are afflictions upon thee art thou not more troubled when sick weak in body minde or understanding because these unfit thee for the service of Christ then becaus weak sick or low in esteem of others Lord thou knowest there is much trembling upon my spirit about this whether I may say this before thee or no but if it be not thus with me O Lord I beg of thee to work this frame in me for it is that I desire to presse after daily and am grieved that I am no more clear in yet methinks sometimes it is in some measure evident to my soul that the defects that accompany my service are more grievous and burthensome to me then the want of success of comfort though sometimes I am quite dark as to the clearing of this
of Encouragement as if the Lord should say You shall see that my heart is in this Work that I will not only do it but I greatly desire to do it and therefore if it were possible for me to forget it yet I give you this liberty and freedom to come and put me in remembrance nay I lay it as a law of love upon you that you do thus come and minde me of it Put me in remembrance let us plead together Oh the admirable condiscention in this high God who hath so much povver as he hath before expressed that he can work and none can let it and yet will suffer his poor Worm to plead with him About the beginning of this fifth Month there were these hints given me and hopes from the Lord which I do not yet know but I may take as an answer to several Petitions put up to him As first That I had not lived answerable to that counsel the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by Mr. Cradock i.e. Not to speak evil of any one or other behind their back but I have often cryed out to others not to themselves of the pride of this body and that body and the passion of this or that person and yet behold how sadly it reigns in my self may not the Lord righteously suffer it in me and shew me the evil and folly of it beholding the Mote in anothers eye and behold a beam in my own at this time also was that brought to my hands in Jam. 1. 2 6. If any man among you seem to be reliâ—ious and bridleth not his tongue but deceiveth his own heart this mans religion is in vaine A sad word Also in the 4. 5. 6. Verses of this same Chapter 4. But let patience have her perfect work that you may be perfect and entire wanting nothing 5. If any of you lack wisdome let him ask it of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not and it shall be given him 6. But let him â—sk in faith nothing wavering for hee that wavereth is lik a wave of the sea driven with the winde and tossed A gratious promise to those that lack wisdome and aske it and in the 4. ch of Iam. v. 2 3 you ask and receive not because you ask amiss that you may consume it upon your lusts And truly what do I know but that the Lord doth suffer this lust as he did the Canaanites of old to trouble the Israelites so this lust to humble me and prove me and know or make me to know what is in my heart O my soule how hast thou need then to set all the force of thy soule a gainst this bitter root of pride which for ought I know was the cause of all other evils O the wayes that the Lord hath taken to pluck up this root out of thy heart hath not all thy afflictions of inward and outward man beene directed as it were against this sin what delight else hath the Almighty to lay sickness and weakness upon thee why doth he thinkest thou permit all the mocks and jears thou daily meetest with why it was for that continued working up of thy pride notwithstanding all his dealings with thee to pul downe when thou art lifted up too much so that thou mayst thank thy own pride for all Some hints from the Lord at Mr. Thorns about the end of the 5 Month 1654 which I know not but may be an answer of former petitions May-be thou wouldest honour God in one way and condition and he would have thee to honour him in another yea may-be he would have thee honour him by living by faith rouling upon him for the subduing of thy corruptions and in the mean time will be honoured by continual strugling and fighting with them O my soule hast thou not often yea oh how often tempted the Lord sadly concerning this and the Lord grant it may be the last after many solemn resolutions and promises unto the Lord never to provoke him thus any more and yet to do it again yea might not the Lord do this even in answer to prayer thou having begged of him that morning to give and order all thy words and actions that day oh that God would at last make thee wise and so order thy spirit and subdue this rising of corruption so as thou maist never more provoke him in this kind Vpon the 6 of this 6 month 1654. The Lorddrew out my heart in the morning to seek of him that he would be pleased to bow down and appeare gloriously and gratiously to and through his servant Mr Knight who had but the day before at Fulham Chappel so exceedingly pressed us to seek the Lord for him which wrought upon my heart greatly to begg of God that he might find the fruit of the prayers of his people on his behalf As also that my poor soule and others that did appeare to meet that morning might have a gratious visit from him that none of all my unfittness to attend upon him or unfruitfullness under former appearances might hinder his gratious presence with and to my soul this day but that though there was nothing in me to move him to it yet that he would doe it for his own name and glory sake that my soul might have such a light of him as might conform me more and more to him And how graciously was the Lord pleasd to bow down this day as a God hearing prayer that first on the behalf of his servant Mr Knight that was to speak this day in his name how gloriously did hee appeare not only through his Poor worms but even in him also greatly drawing out his heart both in prayer preaching In prayer and therein begging of God in the entrance of his services his presence and mightily in a way of faith rouling upon him for an answer of prayer even at this present season The 27 of this 6 Month being the Lords day and finding my heart very dead and cold all the week and also now very unprepared to meet the Lord or expect any appearance at all from him I did yet in a few short desires present my request to him beging his mighty presence unvailing the Lord Iesus both to and through his servant to our poor souls beseeching him also that I might have a clear sight of his goodness in it and that he would please to appear a God nay and not a God a far off telling him withal that my poor soul had found him to be so notwithstanding all my unfitness and unworthiness beseeching him even now to make it appear to my soul that he is a God hearing prayer and that he would give my soul a very glorious sight of my Lord Iesus and not only discover him to me but cause these discoveries to work with mighty power upon my heart really taking it off from all other things whatsoeuer and fix it wholy upon himselfe with many other requests of this
nature But yet notwithstanding my heart was somwhat I thought affected with those desires before the Lord yet oh with what sadness I may speak it how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham in so much that I quite forgot my own desires and not at all looking after any answer of them but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning which was the 145. psalm which at the first nameing of my heart leaped as it were thinking what shal we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in though for the present I mistook for his text is in the 45 psalm but this was the 145. psalm the two last staves which as soon as wee began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it in which I found many suteable expressions to my former desires even in the very words which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day as a returne of prayer which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant Mr Knight in both parts of the day whom he was pleased to come in even beyond his owne expectation as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day telling me that he did only intend to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ as his svveetness fitness faithfulness but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to inlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart and made it so svveet unto him that he could not but declare vvhat the Lord gave in unto him and truly not only vvas it svveet to him but as fit and seasonabe to my poore soul as any thing that could have been spoken the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it so as may be to his praise and eternal good of my poore soul The 7 day of the Month hovv abundantly vvas the Lord pleased to bovv dovvn to this rebellious wretch who hath great cause to fear that my heart was set more to seek see a poor vain creature to meet w th them then to see or meet the Lord yet that the Lord should even now bow down and give forth gratious visites to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day both through his word and through his other administrations this day going early enough to heare the morning sermon though I much fear whether it were so much out of pure love to it as out of self-ends yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David I kept my self from mine iniquity where hee shewed us that it was our great duty to watch cheifly against our own particular sinns shewing us how wee might know them hinting also that it was Probable that this sinne of David vvas tongue-sin from vvhich hovv secretly did the Lord check my poor soul aftervvards Mr Nie spake from psalm the 50. 26 this thou didst and I kept silence vvhere hee shevved that by silence vvas meant a refraining from motion or action vvhence he observed that vvords and actions are all one vvith God it vvas as easy vvith God to do as to speak it vvas but for him to speak and the vvork vvas done yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak and begg of him and much more and vvhat a mighty incouragement is this to thy faith O my soul vvhich vvas the improvement he made of it by application and also hinted more that as all Gods vvords are actions and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many vvords and oh of vvhat use is this to my soul vvhat things hath God spoken to my soul from and by his various administrations to thee for these many years hovv hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee and yet thy base heart will not leave to goe on to tempt the Lord though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee and this day was a sign of it that thou wouldest put on thy best cloathes in that pride and vanity of thy heart thou know'st didst thou not by a strange providence as it were get a spot in thy coat to check thee and did not the Lord by it shew thee thy pride vanity and folly but Oh how gratious is the Lord that he will please to shew thee this in so mild and gentle a way The 10. of this 7 month being the Lords day I sought the Lord in the morning but in a formall way that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant as also to give in a gratious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day namely to unvail the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it as might inable him to declare it to his praise which I did now also beg of the Lord and that though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy or of any more appearance from the Lord which have made so little improvement of so many gratious favours yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love and at the last over-power my soul anâ— bring it to a more full subjection to him-selfe and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord is before him and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unvaile the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace the Lord help thee O my soul to improve all those wondefull appearances of his praise and glory The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business and to make mee really sensible of all my rebellions unfruitfulness and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances and that he would poure out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouthes this day as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himselfe fall with power upon my heart this day and there abide And blessed God how gratiously wert thou pleased to appeare and with what sensible and suteable truths pressing my soul to get into Christ and dwel there then which there is no truth more needfull to be pressed upon my vvretched heart being so miserably shattered about and upon other things and my affections so sadly divided that in truth I doe not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought which the Lord vvas pleased in great mercy to my soul to
press very much upon me this day vvhich blessed counsell my desire and prayer vvas that the Lord vvould frame and mould me into gathering up my soul more into Jesus Christ and out of all other things vvhatsoever The 24. of this 7 Month being the Lords day I was in expectation to have heard Mr. Knight but when I came to Fulham there was a stranger and when I heard him to pray so strangely I was struck with an exceeding damp wishing my self somewhere else yet desiring to still my spirit and to wait upon the Lord who is able to hint out somewhat that might be of advantage to me he spake from Joh 5. 25. in which he shewed us that men might be alive naturally and yet dead spiritually and so pressed us to the tryal of our estates which I thought might be a call from God to check me for my neglect in this work and to put me upon that duty he tells us that God was the life of the soule as the soule was the life of the body and when God was departed from the soul it was dead and that which maketh God depart is sin proved from Isa 59. 2. In which Scripture me thought the Lord did secretly hint to my soul that my sin was the cause of all the withdrawings of the light of his face and manifestations of his gracious presence from me and of his seeming not to hear the desires and prayers offered up to him which discoverie I looked upon as an answer of my desires and prayers that day and as an appearance of his through his instruction this day The 25. of this 7. month The Lord in the morning drew out my heart to beg of him that he would please to be present that day being to go to my Aunt Doggets to guide and direct me in all my words and actions being some what distracted and disturbed in my own thoughts and mind and not so contentedly submitting to all the providences of God as I ought to do and after some discourse and hot dispute at dinner between Mr. Aldgate and my selfe at which time I dealt plainly with him according to my poor measure after which Mrs. Aldgate very unexpectedly from me and unusually from her was very earnest to have me go and read in a litle book of hers concerning content Marvelling in my mind at this strange and unusual thing in her looking upon it as some providence happily to me who had seen the book before but looked upon it in a slight cursory way and not with any valuation of it yet now I thought that happily the Lord might have some thing to speak to me out of it and so I took the book and went to reading therein for an hour or more and truly the Lord was pleased to lead me to most sensible and seasonable things to the frame of my wretched spirit by which it convinced me that I did not contentedly submit to his will in all conditions for if I did then there would be a silence in my spirit yea a joyful frame of spirit yea a continued giving thanks to him and many such like things by way of discovery together with many sensible directions and instructions which I desire to acknowledg as a mercy beging that the Lord would make these hints effectual to my soule The 27. of the 7. month expecting that our brother â—ental was to preach that day I had some discouragements whether to go or no but at last the Lord was pleased to give a turne to my spirit and upon one accompt or an other I at last resolved to go and see what the Lord would do for me there desiring to wait upon him and withal telling him in the morning that he had graciously appeared to my soul and given me eminent tokens of his appearance through weak instruments beseeching him to add one mercy more this day and give my soul a real visite from Heaven through whatever instrument he should please to use But oh my soul how graciously was the Lord pleased to bow down and condescend to ansvver those poor scattered desires and vouchsafe my soul a most fit and seasonable vvord this day by that our brother vvho spake from Matth. 6. Take no thought what you shall eat or drink or wherewith you shall be cloathed vvhence he shewed the Lord Jesus did greatly forbid all carking cares or solicitude of spirit about present enjoyments or future events together with many other seasonable instructions reprehensions and directions to wait upon the Lord and rest on him and cast all our burthens on him and the like most seasonable things to my wretched spirit The 28. of this 7. month being Thursday and Mr. Knights day to preach at the Abby I had strong desires to hear him and yet somewhat discouraged from some passages of providence fearing vvhether or no I vvent out of desire only to hear vvhich lay somevvhat heavy upon me and greatly oppressed my spirit causing it to breath out to the Lord after this manner That if he did see my heart not to be set aright to seek him and him only in this undertaking that he would please some way or other to hinder me or cause some special providence or other to instruct me and keep me from rushing on this undertaking on any self-ends or designs whatever beseeching him to guide me lead and instruct me this day and vouchsafe his glorious presence with my soul and the pouring out of his Spirit upon his servant that was to speak to us And truly I desire to acknowledge to the praise of God that he was pleased much to deaden my heart to the creature before I went out and to put it into a frame desirous to wait for any discovery from him when he pleaseth expecting all the way as we went whether the Lord would please to suffer us to go through yea or nay desiring not to murmure at him in it but to submit quietly to his will in what manner soever he should please to reveal it But being not by any providence prevented in the way we went where the Lord was pleased greatly to draw out Master Knights heart in prayer in such suteable things as if the Lord from heaven should say I know thy wants and weakness and will supply them Providence casting him upon the same thoughts spoken in the fifth Chapter of John and the five and twenty Verse the Lord again by it checking me for my neglect of examination of my spiritual life The End of the Second Book THE THIRD BOOK OF EXPERIENCES Which the Lord hath given my soul of the gracious answers and returns of Prayer c. These Records I desire to leave of Gods appearance to my soul from time to time which I trust if my wicked heart deceive me not was done upon this account that wherein I have failed in my life-time in declaring how good the Lord hath been to such a wretch as I am I might yet leave a good report
were blessed discoveries given to judge our estate We were also instructed in all our present afflictions in this World still to remember it appears not yet what we shall be did you keep your eye on this how would it refresh you under all troubles Keep your eye then on Christ his appearances for there your fulness shall be But further to refresh the Saints they are at present the sons of God but know not the best of their estate you may be now under clouds and temptations but the best is behind it appears not now what you shall be And let this chear up your hearts The 8. day of this tenth month the Lord drew out my heart in the morning being the day of our Church-meeting to beg of him to go forth with us this day or else not to carry us out and withal That he would please to provide a blessed word a seasonable word for every poor soul that should in the sincerity of their spirit wait upon him that day and that he would please to speak some seasonable word to my soul that it may be a blessed testimony that his presence was with me begging also the pouring out of his spirit richly on them he should please to send to speak among us with much to this effect The nineth of this tenth month at night the Lord was pleased often to draw out my heart with some sence of his appearances as also my unfruitfulness under all former appearancs beseeching him to sanctifie all his appearances to my soul and help me to walk more watchfully and hearken more to the testimony of my own conscience in what ever I had done and not to sin against it with many such like desires begging this That as he had so sweetly encouraged my soul by these gracious hints the third of this month so that now he wovld please notwithstanding all my unworthiness and unfruitfulness yet to make good these gracious words of his wherein he hath said Sin shall not have Dominion over his people and that he would bruise Satan under their feet that he would never leave nor forsake them for which gracious blessed word of his I endeavoured to plead with him this Evening even upon the account of the full satisfaction the Lord Jesus had made to him that therefore these blessed words might be made good to my poor soul as also on the behalf of his servant our dear Pastor who the eighth of this eighth Month seemed exceeding sad which came with some power and sense upon my heart at this time beseeching the Lord if he had convinced him of any evil in him that he would also work it out of him and if there were any other oppression upon his spirit which was known to him that he would please to ease refresh comfort and fit him for the great work he hath called him to and also pour out his spirit upon him that he might have a real and sensible sight of the answers of those desires and that the Lord would please to direct him what and how to speak so as might be to the advantage of every of our souls who sincerely seek his face and presence And oh my soul how graciouslie did the Lord appear the next day being his Sabbath and gave in a gracious answer to these desires and gave forth far beyond them The 10th of this 10th Month being the Lords Day in the morning I sought the Lord for his most special presence in and with me this day that he would please to prepare a seasonable useful word for my soul and prepare my heart to meet with him that my soul might be enabled to bless and praise his Name for it and that he would please so eminently to appear that it might be written among the rewards of his love yea that it might come into my soul even as a special pledge of his love yea that he would please to pour out his spirit upon his servant and appear so eminently through him as that also he might be enabled to acknowledge it to his praise And oh my soul how richly and abundantly and fully did the Lord answer all these desires yea every of them in particular which were spread before him more at large then I am able to set down and truly the answers of them were much more large and full in which the Lord bowed down greatly even to the requests also to do more abundantly then I could ask or think and so he did begin even as soon I came to the Congregation filling my heart with great joy and expectation of his mercy from him even in the Psalm before Sermon the Psalm sung was Psal 22. 23. on which my soul joyfullie ran out and so both in Prayer and in Preaching how abundantlie did the Lord bow down and refresh my poor spitit and the spirit of our dear Pastor who in a most solemn manner again and again blessed the Lord for his appearances both in the dispensation of the Word also in the Lords Supper that was that day administred The Scripture spoken to us was Psal 45. 7. Thou hatest iniquity whence he shewed That Christ was lovely to his Saints for hating iniquity In opening hereof he shewed us what hatred was in man and what it was in Christ which as he said was not an action or passion but his very nature and will which putteth forth all his other Excellencies as his Power and his Wisdom c. to repel all that is contrarie to his Nature and Will which he further opened at large shewing us That all the object of Christs hatred was onely sin which is truly evil men hate that which they apprehend evil but Christs hatred is properly neither against men or Angels but only against sin and man onlie as he is under the power of sin and this hatred maketh him repel that which he hateth with all his power putting out all his Excellencies to the uttermost either for the destruction of sin in us or of us Thus Christ loved the nature of man and took it upon him yet when this love was turned into hatred by reason of the over-powering of sin which fighteth against the life of Christ and when this love of his comes to turn to hatred the hatred is the greater Now that Christ hateth sin appears both in the work of Redemption and Rejection In the work of Redemption when he comes to suppress sin in us he seemeth by this action to speak in this manner Rather then sin shall live in thee I will dye my blood shall rather go for it So in the Rejection the hatred of Christ shall kindle the fire of Hel about them But that Christ doth thus hate sin appears further by these things 1. By his dealings against it in the Creation Adam no sooner made but he falls and so boiling hot was Gods hatred against sin that before he gives him time for repentance or any parley he presently goes to his posterity