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A38461 The English Jeroboam, or, The Protestant reforming magistrate and what the Church of England may expect from such a one precisely characterized by a transformed church-warden at a vestry-consultation held upon the putting in execution the laws against seditious conventicles : being London's caveat in electing magistrates. 1683 (1683) Wing E3094; ESTC R28613 19,060 20

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Swearers Whore-mongers Adulterers Ale-house haunters Malignants Enemies to the Cause and the like and we did their Work Out we turned them Head and Shoulders Bag and Baggage to shift for themselves And then all care was taken that fit Persons of our own Select Fraternity enjoy'd the Benefice or Cure My Brethren that is the way we must go not dally with them but handle them without Mittins We must thwack their Cassocks and rattle their Jackets We must stamp upon the Panch of their Villany and squeeze out the Garbish of their Iniquity And dare they resent our Proceedings with unnecessary Interrogatories and unwelcome Reasonings they shall have Rehoboams Answer Our Fathers the Bishops chastized you with Whipps but we will Chastize you with Scorpions c. For the same Power which was lately resident in an Arch-Bishop is inherent and of Divine Right in a Presbyter Ay if they repine and call our Proceedings unreasonable we must put our Vincent Skale-skie Humphrey Bang-Priest and Curtiss Claw-Clergy upon their Backs That Speculum Crape-Gownorum was an excellent means to vilify their Doctrine and Parts and then a Fig for their Persons Oh! 'T was pitty pitty Heretofore Brethren we proceeded by a better way by a two fold Authority we had 1. a Commission from Sir Simon Synod at Westminster and 2. Resolves of the then Commons Dissembled in Parliament concerning all such Ministers who should directly or indirectly Preach or Pray against our Power or Proceedings We took Cognizance of them and deemed and adjudged them Delinquents and within the respective Orders Ordinances and Acts touching Sequestration as to their Ecclesiastical Benefices and Stipends So that in a matter of Seven Years time a General Bill of Mortality being drawn up of those Ministers who were defunct by reason of our Contagious Breath the total amounted to One Hundred and Fifteen who were Sequestred whereof above Forty Doctors in Divinity their Goods we Plundered and turned out their Families Reformation Beloved could not have been wrought but by these means they were rooted in and ere we could plant good Seed these Weeds must be pluckt up And then we wisely Ordered the Directory for Worship Classical Presbyteries and Congregational Elderships Then had we our faithful painful Ministers and such as Preacht in Season and out of Season Having propounded this excellent Method for Reformation of Church-Ministers I proceed The Ingens Opus and true Master-Piece of all now calls aloud for your quickned Attention inflamed Zeal and well-setled Endeavours I mean the Discreet Election of an Able and sincere Pastor whose Model I have conceived briefly thus He must not proceed from Wales or either of the Vniversities for then we shall never understand him Nor yet from Jericho lest the Gravity of his Beard give us cause to suspect the Truth of his Enthusiasms and Inspirations But he shall be a smooth sweet young Man well descended not from Levi but from the Tribe of Gad or Man-asses and trained up in Amsterdam Geneva the Isle of Silly or if you please in our own Neighbourhood where we have good Choice of such whose Mechanick Professions have left them to make the Pulpit as others do their Swords their quum nemini Here are Felt-Makers that can roundly deal with the Blockheads and Newtral Demi-casters of the World Coblers who can give good Rules for upright Walking and handle Scripture to a Bristle Coachmen who know how to lash the Beastly Enormities and curb the Head-strong Insolencies of this Bruitish Age stoutly exhorting us to stand up for the Truth lest the Wheel of Destruction roundly over-run us We have Weavers that can sweetly ly inform us of the Shittle-swiftness of the Time and practically tread out the Vicissitude of all Sublunary Things till the Web of our Life be cut off And here are Merchants of my Profession who can separate the pieces of Damnation from those of Salvation measure out every Man's Portion and cut it out by a Thread Substantially pressing their Points till they have fashionably finisht up their Work with a well-bottom'd Conclusion Out of this Gross Heap wherewith we are so comfortably surrounded we may pick such a One that with a Stentorian Voice making more use of his Lungs and Nose than Nature requires shall reprove our Sins in that kind and measure as we would have him Shall couragiously sound an Alarum to Battail shall tell us the Events of our Actions before they 're begun by expounding Old Visions and Prophecies better than he that was in Pathmos He shall not need to Travel for Orders to the Prelatical Hierarchy He shall receive Orders from Vs I have drawn up some of them already for him and by these you may judge of the Whole Ex pede Herculem ex ungue Leonem as we use to say His Habit shall be a High-crown'd Hat or to follow the present Mode to avoid an Vndecent Pointing at a Low-crowned narrow-brim Hat a black Leather Callot-Cap a sad Medley-Cloak and Jerkin of the same Violet Hose and Russet stockings His Landress shall evidence his Hatred of White-Linnen by his little Coller'd-Band and his Barber shall so roundly indent his Head that our Eyes may as well see his Ears as our Ears hear his Doctrine In his Fathomless Prayers he shall dispence with the Third Commandment and take the Lord's Name in vain ex tempore cutting out more Work for God in an Hour and an half than a sober Man can expect ever to be performed by Him that is Most Wise And if at any time forgetting him-self he Pray for the King's Majesty it shall be with such Distractions and Dilemma's that we can hardly distinguish it from Treason His Text must never be divided We shall make sufficient Divisions amongst our selves but he shall wander from it as if it were not a Tangible Body only in Case of pure Necessity he may for a Moment make it a Place of Retreat and then frisk abroad again His Vnderstanding shall be free from all Liberal Arts and Sciences his Conversation from all Humanity and his Discourse from all Figures except Hysteron and Proteron Hyperbole Tautalogia and other Flowers of the like Scent and Colour He shall use no Language but his Mother-Tongue and the Hebrew if he hath attained to it making choice of his Authors accordingly such as Aben Ezra Rabbi David Kimchi and the rest He must abominate the Greek Fathers Chrysostome Basil and all the Bundle of such Vnwholsome Herbs Also the Latines whom the Pope-bellied Gray-beards of the Town call St. Ambrose St. Augustine c. The intricate School-men as Aquinas and our Devilish Learned Country-man Alexander Halensis shall not come within the Sphere ' of his Torrid Brain lest his Pia Mater be confounded with their subtle Distinctions but by special Dispensation he may for Names-sake cast an Eye sometimes upon Scotus and when he hath Marryed a Sisster upon Cornelius a Lapide His English Authors should be curiously cull'd also He must not