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mercy_n miserable_a sinner_n world_n 8,637 5 7.3111 4 true
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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A81063 England's jests refin'd and improv'd being a choice collection of the merriest jests, smartest repartee's, wittiest sayings, and most notable bulls, yet extant with many new ones, never before printed. To which are added, XI[V]. ingenious characters drawn to the life. The whole work compil'd with great care and exactness: and may serve as the witty-man's companion, the busy-man's diversion, and the melancholy-man's physick and recreation. The second edition with additions. Calculated for the innocent spending of the winter evenings, by H.C. Crouch, Humphrey, fl. 1635-1671.; Drapentier, Jan, fl. 1674-1713, engraver. 1687 (1687) Wing C7277A; ESTC R231051 63,902 190

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Action also against the Parson for Fifteen Shillings The Parson hearing of it went and ask'd him how he came to owe him Fifteen Shillings he told him for Trimming Why says the Parson I was never Trim'd by you in my life You might if you wou'd says the Quaker my Door stands open 59. A Doctor of Physick in Oxford that us'd to salute every one he met with these Words I am very glad to see you well A Student a Gentleman of good quality whom he so greeted told him ingeniously He believ'd he ly'd for the World went ill with him when People were well 60. One perswaded a man to hang his Dog that had done some mischief I am loath to hang him says he but I 'll go amongst his Neighbours and give him an ill-name and that 's as bad 61. A French Captain having been a long time closely Besieg'd in a place where for four Months he Eat nothing but Horse-flesh at length being reliev'd he repair'd to his former Mistress thinking to enjoy the same dalliances and caresses that he was formerly bless'd with But she having been inform'd how he ●●d far'd since his departure Hold says she Monsieur for though I have a mind to be gotten with Child yet I 'm resolv'd never to be gotten with Colt. 62. A covetous Tradesman had a mind to be married but was afraid of the charge of having Children too fast at last he resolv'd to be married and agreed with his Wife that they wou'd lie together but once a Fortnight and says he I intend to get every Fortnight a Joynt of the Child from Head to Foor so by that device we shall not have too many Children But I do it my Dear to ease thee in the bearing of 'em which you know would be no small trouble to you After Marriage it seems he lay with her the first night and I can't tell how it came about but at 40 weeks end she was brought to bed of a brave Boy Why how now Wise says he this is not according to my expectation Yes Husband says she but I may thank good Neighbours or else for ought I know we might have had a Deform'd Child 63. The King of Spain coming into one of his chief Cities the Mayor came to make a speech and began thus When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem but being dash'd out of Countenance he said again When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem and so the third time but cou'd not proceed Then the King turning to his Courtiers said We may easily imagine this Man to be an Ass by the Consequent 64. Mr. Philemon Holland having Translated several Books as Plutarch Pliny Livy Cambden c. at length he Translated Suetonius Tranquillus into English upon which an ingenious Blade writ this Distich on him Philemon with Translations doth so fill us He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus 65. A Gentleman going into a Church in London when they were chaunting Sternhold's and Hopkin's Psalms which are not the most Melodious in the World the Words were these Have mercy upon us Miserable Sinners Ay says he thoy might as well have said Have mercy upon us Miserable Singers 66. Two Sparks standing together in the Cloysters seeing a pretty Lady pass by says one of them There goes the handsomest Lady that ever I saw in my Life She hearing him turn'd back and seeing him very ugly said Sir I wou'd I cou'd in way of Requital say as much of you Faith says he so you may and Lye as I did 67. A Poor Man in Smithfield having a mind to Bind his Son to a Butcher but being solicitous to get a Master of whom he might learn his Trade well he ask'd his Friend who was an Ingenious Gentleman and had great Acquaintance to whom he shou'd Bind him O says he there is a Physitian hard by you Bind him to him for he Kills more then all beside in the Town 68. A Gallant Dining at a Friends House had promis'd a Lady to meet her in the Afternoon but being engag'd after Dinner at Cards cou'd not fairly get away wherefore he call'd his Boy and sent him to the Lady to Excuse him whispering him in the Ear that what ever Answer the Lady return'd he shou'd tell it him as if 't were from a Man that the Company might not know So the Boy went on his Errand and a little after return'd to his Master who ask'd him aloud before the Company What was the Gentleman at home Yes Sir answer'd the Boy Well what said he to you He said Sir you might appoint any other time What was he doing says the Gentleman He was putting on his Hood and Scarf to go to Mass says the Boy which discover'd the Intreague and set them all a Laughing 69. A Woman asking her Husband for some Money to buy a broad Silver and Gold Lace to put on her Petticoat he replied thus to her If I once make you a Gold-finch you will prove a Wag tail all your life after 70. One that was a great Eater fitting down to Supper complain'd that he had lost his Stomach W●ll says a merry Fellow that was there If a Poor Man has found it he 'll be utterly undone 71. A Bishop being inform'd by his Steward of the greatness of his Expence that it was over proportionable to his Estate and that particularly the number of his Servants was too great the Bishop order'd him to draw up a Note of such as were necessary and such as were not which being done he Summoned all his Servants together and reading the Note separated them and then said These I have need of and therefore they must continue those have need of me and therefore they must continue also 72. Just after the late Kings Restauration when going to Church came to be in fashion an old Woman was advis'd by her Neighbours to go to Church for fear of being Presented she was resolv'd to go once a Month to save her Bacon So Dressing her self very fine she came into the Church just at the Expiration of the Letany and the Parson having said Lord have Mercy upon us and then the People Responding thereunto she Cry'd out aloud I never was here before in my Life and since you make such a Wonder ment at it I 'll never come again 73. Two Gentlemen walking in Cheapside in Oliver's time saw the Sign of the Golden-Cross One of them profer'd to lay two Bottles of Wine with the other that he wou'd make the Master of the Shop pull down the Sign The Wager being laid he pulls off his Hat and makes half a dozen Leggs to the Sign first on one side and then on t'other which the Master of the Shop seeing thinking to prevent his future superstition suddenly pull'd down his Sign whereby the Gentleman won his two Bottles of Wine 74. A Minister finding his Parishoners to be Ignorant was reolved to Examine and Instruct them at home so going to an Ancient Womans