HALLELV-IAH Praise yee the Lord FOR THE VNBVRTHENING of a loaden Conscience By his grace in Iesus Christ vouchsafed vnto the worst sinner of all the whole world I Come and heare all yee that feare God and I will tell you what hee hath done for my soule O magnifie his Name with mee and let vs exalt his Name together Printed by CANTRELL LEGGE Printer to the Vniuersitie of Cambridge 1618. And are to be sold by MATTHEVV LAVV in Pauls Church-yard at the signe of the Foxe THE DEDICATION ⧠To the right high and mightie Prince and most valiant Conquerour IESVS CHRIST God and man crucified My most gracious good Lord Sauiour and Master THou art gone vp on high thou hast lead captiuitie captiue thou hast receiued gifts for men yea for the rebellious also that the Lord God might dwell among them I will praise thee O Lord my God with all my heart and will glorifie thy name for euermore For great is thy mercy towards me and thou hast deliuered my soule from the lowest hell Let the speaking of my mouth the writing of mine hand and the thinking of mine heart be pleasing in thy sight O Lord my strength and my Redeemer Amen Amen ⧠To those learned men which in Cambridge haue authoritie to iudge of bookes before they be there imprinted REuerend Masters my dutie premised I humbly pray you to giue way vnto the glorifying of the grace of God in Iesus Christ as you will answer vnto his glorious maiestie when he shall call you to giue account of that your office Thus beseeching God to blesse you and that noble Nurcery of Christianity with all aboundance of knowledge and holinesse I rest At your correction in the Lord Iesus RICHARD KILBY THE VNBVRTHEning of a loaden Conscience WHosoeuer you are that shall purpose to read or heare any part of this booke I beseech you that of your charitie you will grant vnto me these two requests First to beleeue that I in making and putting foorth this booke intended the glorie of my Sauiour the good of Christened people and the hurt of no creature Secondly to shew such fauour compassion and patience towards mee as you your selfe towards your selfe expect from the Lord Iesus Now I beginne IT pleased the good Lord God to vnburthen my conscience by repentance and beleefe in Iesus Christ whereunto with verie much adoe I was brought by the knowledge of Gods word and the consideration of mine owne verie miserable and most dangerous state Among those parts of the holy Bible which God made me in some measure to vnderstand I had speciall vse of his tenne Commandements and therewith also of the first verse of the 20. chap. of Exodus as here it followeth Exo. 20.1 And c. This first word hath respect vnto some things mentioned in the chapter next before specially the Lords comming downe from heauen vnto the top of mount Sinai in fire and the comming of the Israelites out of their campe beeing brought forth by Moses to meet with God Touching the comming forth of the people I find that they were first prepared by cleansing themselues and washing their clothes secondly limited that they should not come too neere vnto the hill thirdly presented and set before the face of God by Moses Hereby I learne that whensoeuer I am to reade or heare Gods word to pray or to sing vnto him I must first prepare my selfe by putting away all euill thoughts and naughty affections secondly I must be very humble auoiding all presumption thirdly I must present my selfe before the maiestie of God in the name of Iesus Christ euen as if hee tooke mee by the hand and brought me into the presence of his Father The neglecting of these three necessarie points I know by mine owne experience is verie dangerous for the doing of holy seruices with an vnreuerent heart is a readie way to make a partie most vncapable of Gods grace because the custome of abusing the meanes of saluation doth not onely prouoke the Lord vnto great indignation but also hardeneth the heart and bringeth it to that passe that without some extraordinarie meanes it cannot be effectually wrought vpon And God c. God is the first beginning as of all good so specially of religion therefore he that will be religious must first and foremost steadfastly beleeue that there is a God Heb. 11.6 And God spake c. The second ground or beginning of religion is the word and speech of God which holy men by his direction and appointment did write in the books of the olde and new Testament It is a speciall fauour of God to make his word knowne vnto any man woman or child because the propertie of it is to make vs wise and holy fit for euerlasting blisse in heauen 2. Tim. 3.15.16 Whereas our Sauiour Christ made his Apostles Ministers of his word and gaue them commission to ordaine others and those also to ordaine others from time to time vntill the worlds ende is a question how the Ministers of the now publikely allowed Church of England can prooue their calling from Christ by the Apostles c. seeing that the now church of Rome is between them and the Apostles time I will breifly declare my setled beleefe in this point by way of comparison A certaine noble man did by his will appoint that a great part of his goods should be employed to such and such good vses so and so vntill the worlds end for the performance of this he did chuse certaine feoffers of trust giuing order that they should choose others and those others from age to age The first feoffers had in their time very much adoe to keepe the noble mans will from beeing wronged Many hundred yeares after that it came to passe that some beeing orderly chosen feoffers were fully perswaded that in many things the wil was wronged Hereupon they claimed reformation but others resisted them yea and pursued them to the death killing diuerse of them Those which escaped the hands of their aduersaries continued their claime of reformation and made choise of others to succeede them in their office These be the ministers of the Church of England If an honest man were asked what is in this case to be done he would say the written will is to be stood vpon and to be made knowne The Bible is that wil which the Romane feoffers haue no mind to make known nor can endure the publishing thereof in vulgar languages that all people might heare it read in their Churches alleadging this reason that as they iudge if common people had Gods word in their owne tongue they would rather take hurt then good by it To my silly vnderstanding this is a very strange reason Of all other books is Gods booke so dangerous Then why did the Lord giue his word the old Testament vnto his beloued nation the Israelites in their owne tongue yea and lay such charge vpon them to read it and to heare it
this most vgly sinne That I in heauen among thy Saints the lowest place may winne The last and lowest place of all O Lord of thee I craue Giue grace to wash and make me cleane that I that place may haue Forgiue me all my sinnes though they most grieuous be and great Forgiue me all for Christ his sake I humbly thee intreat Then I will sing to thee with ioy my song it shall be this No wight so wicked as I was hath place in heauenly blisse To Father Sonne and holy Ghost All glorie be therefore Yea honour worship praise and thanks henceforth for euermore ¶ About three of the clocke in the afternoone I must say the same prayer which I said about nine in the forenoone O Almightie Lord God who louest holinesse c. ¶ My afternoone Psalme to the Suffolke tune O Blessed and most glorious God whose throne is set on high I sinnfull and most wretched man to thee for mercy crie Confessing that thy great goodnesse thy patience wonderfull And long forbearance doe me mooue my sinnes to disanul But wo is me my naughtie heart to sinne is still so bent That in my selfe I finde no meanes entirely to repent This world also wherein I liue with sinne doth ouerflowe And meetes me with temptations which way soe'er I goe Satan that mighty euill spirit so full of subtiltie Doth practise all the meanes he can that I in sinne may die Therefore I crie to thee O Lord whose power is ouer all Beseeching thee to free me from this sinnefull deadly thrall With true repentance and right faith mine heart and soule fulfill That I may hate all wickednesse and cleane fast to thy will From all this worlds temptations and Satans practising Keepe thou me safe I humbly pray O gracious heauenly King Then will I praise with heart and voice and magnifie thy name When thou hast saued my poore soule from endlesse paine and shame All glorie honour praise and thankes be alwaies giuen to thee O Father Sonne and holy Ghost one God in persons three My prayer at night before I goe to bed O most mightie and most gracious Lord God I wretched man the worst of the world doe crie thee mercie for all the sinns which this day or at any time before haue come out of my heart by way of deede word or thought I heartily thanke thee for all the blessings which thou hast graciously and plentifully giuen me I humbly praise thine holy name for that it hath pleased thee to preserue mee from many euills to deliuer me out of great dangers I beseech thee to endue me with such a measure of thy grace that I may henceforth foreuermore bee acceptably thankefull vnto thee through Iesus Christ Be mercifull also I humbly pray thee vnto all those for whom I ought to pray giue them and vnto me I beseech thee all the graces which thine only sonne hath taught vs to pray for in his name saying O our father which art in heaaen hallowed be thy name c. When I lay me downe in my bed I will say O blessed Lord God here I lie downe not knowing what shall come vnto me this night I humbly betake both bodie and soule vnto thee beseeching thy most gracious goodnesse to receiue me into thy keeping through Iesus Christ thine onely Son my Lord and Sauiour Amen When I settle my selfe to sleepe I will say O good Lord God vouchsafe to be mercifull vnto this feeble bodie that it may haue a little comfortable rest and be thereby made the more seruiceable vnto thee through thine onely Sonne my deare Lord and Sauiour Amen If I cannot take rest I will say thus O most gracious Lord this body cannot take rest because I haue wickedly disordered it I beseech thee therefore to pardon me all my wickednesse and now teach my poore soule how it shal find euerlasting rest in thee thorough thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Iesus Christ Amen About midnight whether I haue slept or not I will pray thus O most glorious Lord God the Father of lights no darkenes can hide me from thee for thou seest so clearely at midnight as at mid-day yea thou beholdest all my thoughts Therefore I humbly present my selfe before thy blessed Maiestie beseeching thee to look graciously vpon me a most vngracious wretch and to saue me from the workes of darkenes that I may haue the lowest place within the kingdome of thy glorie Graunt this most mercifull Father for thine onely Sonnes sake in whose name I pray further for my selfe and for all other folke as he hath taught me saying O our Father which art in heauen hallowed bee thy name c. So often as I haue had any sleepe when I awake I will say thus O most mercifull Father God almightie I humbly thanke thee for the rest which thou hast now giuen vnto this naughty bodie I bequeath both it and my soule into thine hands to bee disposed of according vnto thy will to the glorie of thy name through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen When I arise in the morning I will say O good Lord God with all mine heart I thanke thy blessed maiestie for that it hath pleased thee mercifully to keep me all this night nowe I arise out of this bed in thy name O Father in thy name O Iesus Christ in thy name O holy Ghost O most holy vndiuided vnseparable three persons in one God one God in three persons for thy glorious names sake vouchsafe to be mercifull vnto me a sinner Amen This is my third rule My last rule Fourthly and lastly I must in the sight of God conscionably detest and resist my sinnes faithfully endeauouring that I may in very truth sa◠with Dauid Psalm 18.23 I was also vpright before him and I kept my selfe from mine iniquitie First therefore beeing alwaies mindfull of Gods presence I must carefully intend to know and to doe his will Secondly when any motion commeth vnto mine heart quietly vnpartially diligently consider whether it be good in the sight of God yea or no If it be good I must willingly yeeld vnto it But if it be euill I must steadfastly purpose to refuse it yea and remooue my selfe so farre as possible from all danger of beeing tempted vnto it If I be strongly tempted to yeeld vnto any sinne I must earnestly pray vnto God for deliuerance thus O most holy and blessed Lord God I the worst of all sinners being now as thou seest strongly tempted to sinne against thee and not able to resist the temptation by reason of the long setled wickednesse of my heart doe humbly beseech thee to be so mercifull vnto me as to saue me from this great danger thorough thy almightie grace in Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Hauing thus praied yea and praied againe and againe if need require I must with a good courage put on the mind that I wil
would not faile to put my selfe vnto open shame for euery sinne which thenceforth I should openly commit in word or deede Yea I said thus much vnto him That open sinne which I shall wittingly let passe without open confession do thou neuer forgiue I doe humbly craue aide of euery Christian which shall read or heare this As my disease is very tormenting so my state is too too vncomfortable Eccles 4.10 Woe to him that is alone when he falleth for hee hath not another to helpe him vp I must sit and endure my griefe with silence For to whom shall I complaine Or what shall I ease my selfe by complaining The prouerbe is not more olde then true Euery man is for himselfe and God for all If the latter part held not very true I were woe begone for the first is too true But what aide doe I craue of the Reader or hearer I beseech you that euen for the loue of Christ and Christianitie you will very earnestly intreat our Lord God to bee mercifull vnto me and if it may possibly stand with his holy will to grant mee ease of this irkesome torment Amen Amen That Sabbath day at night I hauing somewhat more conscionably kept that Sabbath day then euer before praised God thus O most mercifull Father with all mine heart I humbly thanke thee for this verie little entracne into the way of saluation Good Lord my soule is yet wretchedly tangled in sinne Free me for thy mercies sake and humble mee to the very vttermost that may be thorough Iesus Christ thine only Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Amen Then also I beganne to sing mine euening Psalme which is not in double meeter as that vnto whose tune I haue set it because I neither had leasure nor minde to be so curious ¶ Mine euening Psalme to the tune of All people that on earth doe dwell O God that art most wonderfull the fountaine of all blessednesse I most vnfit to sing to thee yet needes thy mercie must confesse Needes must I for I am most bound therefore O Lord I thee intreat For to prepare mine heart and tongue thy mercies duely to repeat So soone as I into this world by birth was borne thou causedst mee To be baptized in thy Name In signe of my deliuery Deliuerie from Sathans thrall and from the house of bondage hell That with thee and with thy Christ in euerlasting blisse might dwell And when I was of age to learne thou didst acquaint me with thy grace Moouing mine heart to turne from sinne and thy saluation to embrace But I most foolishly did loue this world and gaue my selfe to sinne Deferring time from day to day and to repent would not beginne Yet notwithstanding all my sinne and manifold iniquitie Yea such most hainous wickednes as alwaies did for vengeance crie So great thy mercie was to me that thou wouldst not my soule forsake But patiently didst vse all meanes to saue me from the burning lake And now at last with much adoe a little I am turn'd from sinne A little very small it is I doe repentance but beginne Yet Lord my soule doth trust that thou wilt small beginning not despise But grant me grace turning to thee by small degrees for to arise So be it O most gracious God be it euen so for Christ his sake I doe beleeue therefore I speake thy childe I trust thou wilt me make O Father Sonne and holy Ghost thou onely God and Lord of all Thy name be blessed euermore of all thy creatures great and small Amen Amen Amen say I Gods name for euer blessed be O heauen ô earth ô creatures all say ye Amen Amen with me I most heartily desire that euery one that hath not more experience in deuotion then I will take this my counsell Accustome your selfe to pray to sing oftentimes vnto God let your prayer and song be such matters as is fitting for one in your state to speake vnto God whether it be confession of sinnes begging of pardon and cleansement from sinne or thanksgiuing c. And that which you speake vnto the Lord by way of praying or singing let it not onely be word of mouth but lift vp the thought of your heart and thinke euery word directly vnto God as you would do if you did see his glorious maiesty with your bodily eyes Be well assured and stedfastly minded that he lookes full vpon you and marketh all your behauiour yea and aboue all things taketh most heedful insight of your thought and affection for longer then you steadfastly thinke vpon him your words in prayer please him not and vnlesse your desire be very earnest he will not regard your petition Therefore enforce your mind to thinke very intendingly vpō God and labour to haue an hungry and thirstie desire of that which you pray for You see that I haue often set downe the word Amen yea and sometime doubled it My reason is because I would be very earnest and effectually feruent in my desire Our Sauiour sheweth vs how earnest and importunate we should be in praying vnto God I pray you consider his words Luk. 11.5 Which of you hauing a friend and shall go vnto him at midnight and say vnto him Friend lend me three loaues 6. For a friend of mine in his iourney is come vnto me I haue nothing to set before him 7. And he from within shall answer and say Trouble mee not the doore is now shut and my children are with me in in bed I cannot rise and giue thee 8. I say vnto you though he will not rise and giue him because he is his friend yet because of his importunitie hee will rise and giue him so many loaues as he needeth Our Lords meaning is that as many a man in his necessitie will haue no deniall but is so importunatly earnest that the partie to whom he maketh suit hath no other way to be quiet but onely by granting his request so ought we to behaue our selues in prayer to God most vehemently crying vnto him for mercie and euer and anone praying againe and againe as Christ himselfe did in the garden not ceasing vntil he doe as certainly he wil shew himselfe very mercifull vnto vs. If we ought to pray so earnestly and so often wo is my heart for many a poor soule that seldome or neuer prayeth but when he is laid downe in his bed and then saith his Paternoster and Creed between sleeping waking making none other reckoning but this that the very bare saying of those things serues the turne Surely it is Popery that hath brought the world to this senceles state by teaching folke to pray in an vnknowne tongue and to say praiers by set number and tale as folke buy and sell apples and peares When I was a child I now and then lay with some elder body who beeing in bed would beginne to say the Lords prayer by and by slumber then awake and begin againe and presently fall asleepe againe If this be true as I take the Lord God to witnes that very true it is what doth it shew Surely this that the common sort of people runne snuggling all day after their worldly busines and then at night kennell vp themselues like so many bruit beasts little or neuer a whit minding that which they should principally intend their conuersion from sinne and their reasonable vnderstanding seruing of God in all that they thinke say or doe Whosoeuer is in this slumbring state I beseech you that for Gods sake you will awaken your soule and doe as the Lord Iesus willeth you Matth. 6.33 Seeke ye first the kingdome of God and his righteousnesse and then all other necessaries shall bee added vnto you The things of this world are like vnto the vantage which many times is giuen into a bargaine Therfore let your cheife care be to make sure your saluation and then your good heauenly Father will not suffer you to lack any thing that is good for you O I pray you beleeue it and build vpon it for he hath giuen his word and promise Heare him what he saith Heb. 13.5 I will not leaue thee nor forsake thee Accustome your selues as I said before to pray often and earnestly vnto God and by the grace of Iesus Christ you shall finde that he will most graciously and kindly acquaint himselfe with your soule O then you will remember these my words say Now Gods blessing light vpon that same poor minister which gaue me this counsel I would not that I had missed it for all that this whole world is worth yea you will most heartily praise the Lord God that it pleased him by so simple a man as I am to set you into the way of vnutterable blessednesse By no meanes suffer your priuate praiers to be heard of others for then it is a hundred to one that the deuill and the priuie pride of your owne heart will marre all and make your deuotions loathsome in the sight of God If you be an house-keeper and haue a wife or any child or seruant vse to pray together with them daily vnles you meane to make them heathen people such as haue none acquaintance with God This matter is so far out of request that many will laugh them to scorne which pray with their houshold whereby a man of any vnderstanding may consider into what a wretched state the world is come Now Christian soule whosoeuer you are the grace mercy of God be with you for euer Thus much I am exceedingly desirous to haue printed before I die If God vouchsafe to giue any increase of life and grace you may be sure that I will doe what I can to acquaint you with it The will of God be done and blessed bee his Name for euermore Amen FINIS
had done enough and enough my heart being farre from God and not once assaying to come neere vnto him Here I would aske a question of the common sort of people young and old I would aske you for no harme Is not this your religion I meane to say your praiers to heare seruice I will not put in to say seruice without any special stirring of your heart not actually minding that you are in talke with God nor so affected as they who perceiue themselues to be so neere vnto euen before the face of that Almightie King who is terrible vnto the Kings of the earth they are his seruiters I take that blessed God to witnesse against my soule if I speake vncharitably or idlely I am perswaded that I haue good reason to feare that a great many of you haue little religion in your hearts but content your selues with saying and hearing and some outward ceremonies Then I can tell you what religion is the fittest for you Euen that which you call the old religion for that wil so furnish you with outward workes and ceremonies that you shall not dreame of medling with your heart You see the deuoutest of them can swallowe downe into their soules lying forswearing murther and treason They make no bones of such matters And why Because the ceremonie-law of Rome serueth their turne I speake vpon my conscience for the glorie of my Lord God and for the good of my countrey It pleased God that specially by the meanes of M. William Olney of Tachbrooke neere Warwicke who tooke me from my poore parents I was in some sort continued at schoole About foureteene or fifteene yeares of age I fell into acquaintance with diuerse that fauoured the Popes religion among whom one lent me a booke thus intituled A defence of the censure giuen vpon two bookes of William Charke and Meredith Hanmer ministers which they wrote against M. Edmund Campian priest of the societie of Iesus and against his offer of disputation This little booke beeing one of the most dangerous bookes that euer I read for they bee little ones that either doe good or harme vnto the greatest number of people did thoroughly distast me with the Protestant-religion before religion was in mine heart A principall case of my distast was the many euill reports which with great pretence of truth it signifieth touching the liues of Luther Caluin and Beza bringing in this reason withall that the authors and beginners of an extraordinary reformation in the Church of God should at the least be ordinarie honest men in life and conuersation which those men were not if that booke be true Here I humbly entreat all people to take knowledge of two things which I haue found true by experience First it is not safe for a man to betake himselfe to this or that side in controuersie of religion vntill his heart and life bee setled in some vprightnesse of obedience vnto God Can a man iudge of colours before he bee borne No. Then how can a man rightly discerne the truth in questions touching the mysterie or secret of godlines he not beeing renewed by the spirit of God Although he haue great learning or depēd vpon the iudgement of great learned men yet Sathan the deuill will haue an hand in him because they which doe not conscionably obey God are subiect to be wrought vpon by him Eph. 2.2 The second thing that I would desire you to take knowledge of is this When a man is well assured that he is entred into a conscionable course of obeying the commandements of God which is the practise of repentance to settle his iudgement touching this or that controuersie in religion hee must not bee lead by the sermons or books or liues of men but principally hee must apply himselfe vnto the grounds of his faith which are two God and Gods word How shall he apply himselfe vnto God By verie often humble and earnest prayer that he will vouchsafe for Iesus Christs sake to giue him the spirit of reuelation the inlightening of minde to perceiue the holy truth S. Paul telleth vs plainly that the secrets of God cannot be rightly known but by the spirit of God 1. Cor. 2.10.11 And our Lord Iesus hath giuen vs this assurance that if we doe earnestly pray vnto God for the holy Ghost hee will giue him vnto vs Luk. 11.5 6 7 8 c. How shall a man apply himselfe to the word of God In following the example of the Iewes that dwelt at Berea who when S. Paul preached vnto them receiued the word with all readinesse But how They searched the Scriptures dayly whether those things which S. Paul deliuered vnto them were so as he said yea or no Act. 17.11 And for your encouragement see what followed Act. 16.12 Therefore many of them beleeued If any say hee cannot vnderstand the word of God I answer he may bee sorrie and ashamed to say so for to what end hath God giuen his word but to be vnderstood euen of very simple folke for of all the books in the world there is none that hath more plainenesse in it then the booke of God hath Many fine schollers haue no minde to reade Gods word because it is so plaine It is certainely one of the maine drifts of Sathan the deuill to make people beleeue that Gods word is hard to bee vnderstood because he would not haue them to vnderstand it for he knoweth that nothing in all the world is so great an hinderance vnto him as Gods word beeing vnderstood Now I will goe forward in my confession I went first to Oxford and then to Cambridge At Oxford I was in Gloster Hall about foure yeares first and last at Cambridge I was in Emanuel Colledge not so long but to that Colledge I am singularly bound Afterward I tooke vpon me to be a schoolemaster and then entred into the ministerie in the yeare of our Lord one thousand fiue hundred nintie and sixe The next yeare after vpon the commendation of diuerse reuerend Ministers in Kent namely my fatherly friend Doctor Milborne of Seuenoke M. Bust of Penshurst M. Deiose of Chiddingstone M. Smith of Chelfield I obtained of Archbishop Whitegift a generall licence to preach I haue beene a minister eighteene yeares and so much more as since the sixeteenth day of May last for as vpon that day Doctor Young Bishop of Rochester gaue mee orders at Bromeley in Kent All this while vntill this verie yeare one thousand sixe hundred and foureteen my heart continued in that inward behauiour wherwith it was first possessed in my childhood Now let me goe backe againe and make report how the Father of mercie hath striuen with me from my youth yea and nowe in good and comfortable measure blessed be his name vanquished the setled wickednesse of mine heart Euer since I had any vnderstanding of Gods will something hath been working vpon my mind perswading me very earnestly to forsake sinne and wholly to submit my selfe
rather endure any losse or dammage then yeeld vnto that sinne And I must assure my selfe that how stronglie soeuer I am tempted God will most certainly enable me to endure that temptation vnlesse I basely consent vnto it When by the grace of God I am freed frō any temptation I must praise him thus O the Father of mercy and the fountaine of power I a most weake wretch not able to resist the least motion of sinne that may be do heartily thanke thee for this gracious deliuerance which thou hast vouchsafed to giue vnto mee O good Lord I beseech thee to continue thy grace towards mee that I may alwaies be more and more thankfull vnto thee thorough Iesus Christ thine only Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen If thorough want of heed or by weake resistance I fall into any sinne I must so soone as I know it make my confession and prayer vnto God thus O most holy and righteous Lord God I most damnable sinner haue now sinned against thee thus and thus c. I crie thee mercy O most mercifull Father beseeching thee to giue mee true repentance pardon and freedome from this and from all my sinnes thorough thine onely Sonne Iesus Christ my Lord and Sauiour Amen Moreouer because I am much giuen to sinne openly that is in the sight or in the hearing of some one or many of Gods people which is a great meanes to draw them into sinne or to hardē them in sinne or at least to discourage those which make conscience of their conuersation vnto euery one that shall heare or see me sinning I must so soone as I perceiue my sinne with all possible conuenient speed very plainly and repentingly confesse it thus Such a thing you saw me doe or Such a thing you heard me say I beseech you for Gods sake to take great heed that it cause no euil effect in you for it was a sinne against God and therefore I cry God mercy for it Thus I must confesse any open fault yea if it be commited in preaching writing or howsoeuer A pulpit fault in the same pulpit and to the same company must bee confessed These be my rules for the practise of zealous reformation that I may be in very deed a member and minister of the reformed Church Now I will declare vnto you how I endeauoured to bring my selfe into those foure Rules and with what successe All the rest of Aprill I in a manner lost endeauouring very little or nothing but I could haue no quietnesse in minde longer then I intended that busines The first of May died in our parish a gentleman one M. Villers of the same tormenting disease which I haue he had bin long time very greiuously pained with it Euery day specially in the morning it plagued me Wherefore to ease the paine I dranke much small drinke and sometime water yea now and then mine own water because I was told that so I should be cased But though I dranke neuer so much after it was passed thorough my bodie the paine came againe Yet notwithstanding all this I could not keep my selfe in the company of God specially when I was together with any body for then I fell into a deale of idle vnholy communication The eight of May beeing Sabbath day in the euening these foure were together M. Sidney Zouch M. Mathew Bate Philip Aram Richard Kilby we dranke at M. Matth. Bates house who at the parting said thus vnto vs It is great oddes that not all wee foure shal be aliue this day twelue moneth I roundly took the words to my self iudging that the first which must be gone was I and that god had put into his mind to say those words for my monishment Yet see the setled wickednesse of mine heart after my departure from thē I met with other company and so merily delighted my selfe with prophane talke that when I came into my chamber I was forced to goe prayer-lesse to bedde because my soule was confounded and ashamed to looke vp towards God The morrow morning I prayed thus O blessed Lord God most maruelous art thou in goodnesse and patience Is it possible that thou canst forbeare the powring of thy iust and wrathfull vengeance vpon mee O Lord it is exceedingly enough that thou hast thus long forborne mee Cut off I beseech thee this most cursed course of my sinne and doe vnto mee that which is most pleasing to thy holy will O Lord is there yet any hope that I should be saued Yea with condition of repentance Woe is mee there is no possibilitie of my repentance I cannot steadfastly continue in the purpose of resisting my sinnes yea so long as thy pleasure is to preserue me aliue thou callest mee vnto thee O God I would come but I cannot I will assaie O I haue no faith This is that which commeth of long liuing in sinne Yet who can tell what thou wilt doe if I but offer to assay Without assaying there is no turning without turning no saluation Therefore I will assay Good Lord I cannot How vncouth How strange How beyond all possibilitie doth the practise of a conscionable life seeme vnto mee O Lord besides mine owne inward vnrepentance the violent streame of this world hindereth mee Most folke further mee in sinne some one way some another But a very few holp mee to enter in at the little doore of repentance Men may talke much and professe great matters but it is repentance that shall try what kind of people they be O how easie a thing it is to make an outward shewe if that would serue the turne The heart must be vpright with thee and the spirit must cleaue fast vnto thee else it is no bargaine no couenant betweene thee and the party In the name of Iesus I wil assay O Iesu help me for thy most comfortable names sake Amen That very same day I comming into company turned from God Tuesday I prayed thus O Lord God I do plainely perceiue that to pray vnto thee for the grace of repentance and not to enforce my selfe to practise the meanes is a kind of mockery and a fearefull prouoking of thy displeasure Earnest praier and diligent practise will mutually thorough thy grace strengthen each other But neglect of practise sheweth cold deuotion Therefore I purpose to force my selfe vnto this businesse O good Lord be mercifull vnto mee Amen My intolerable paine grew worse and worse yet I could not frame my selfe to take any sure hold vpon the grace of repentance Munday the sixteenth of May I prayed thus O Lord God had I not been a stony hearted sinner this deadly windines might haue terrified mee from sinne aboue sixe yeares a gone O how blessed should I now haue beene had I but these sixe last yeares in singlenesse of heart serued thee Now my time is gone mine heart is dead within me And though I should liue a while this hellish strangury quite disableth me yet were I turned vnto thee thou wouldest