Church of England should vtterly refuse me forsake and cast mee off yet will I still holde this opinion and thus reuerently esteeme thinke and speake of this Church and Religion and will choose rather to liue in concontinuall penury then to be of another minde For I am sure this Religion is that which is taught in Gods holy Word and therefore I must needs beleeue it As for the doctrine of the Church of Rome I could neuer find comfort in it only in that which they deny to Lay-men that is the reading of the Scriptures do I find true ground of cōsolation True it is that simple and vnstable men may abuse their reading of the Scriptures vnto errour and by Gods gracious promises therein recorded may take occasion to presume and trust too much to their own Faith and Gods Mercies But this ought not to make vs disclayme or to neglect the daily reading of Gods sacred Word for there is no meanes like to this so powerfull to keepe men from committing of sinne nor after sinne committed to vphold them from falling into finall Desperation For my part I haue desired as much as any Sinner that euer was the content of this Worlds base sinfull Pleasures Ryot Vain-glory Reuenge Excesse in Prodigalitie and the like But these crosses and calamities befalling me The reading of the Scriptures accompanied with the sweet Conference and Comfortable Letters of mercifull learned men who haue dealt with me those wayes in England and by writing to me into the Low Countries among whom I cannot omit to name with reuerence and thankfull acknowledgement Master Trigg Master Buddle Master Crashaw and of late at Lambith Master Doctor Goad and Master Doctor Featly c. vnto whom I haue sued as the woman did to Christ euen for Crummes falling from our Sauiours Table haue most powerfully opened mine eyes and enlightened myne heart and soule to see seele and taste Gods Iudgements and Mercies myne owne sinnes and transgressions the peace of conscience the difference of Sinners penitent and impenitent Cain Saul Achitophel and Iudas their despayre and the confession and repentance of Dauid Peter and the rest of Gods Saints Seeing Dauid that great anointed King and all the renowned Seruants of God haue confessed their bloud guiltinesse and other foule sinnes and haue repented of them and openly exclaymed against them Shall I a wretch not worthy to be named among the meanest of all deiected Sinners thinke it a shame to me and blush to confesse my sinnes and openly to publish my griefe and repentance Especially seeing now all the World Learned Men Gods Messengers Friends Enemies the Troubles and Miseries which I haue sustayned the peace and torment of Conscience which I haue felt doe prouoke mee teach mee driue me to confesse my sinnes and offences offending and transgressing the Lawes of God I here therefore in bitternesse of soule confesse my faults and cry out against all my sinnes committed from my birth to this present from Master Storr his bloud to euery hurt and wrong which I haue done to any in deed word or thought not onely for my crueltie and reuenge done to men but for that I haue since also thought it lawfull to defend my selfe with Sword contrary to the Lawes of God when I might perhaps better haue done it by other meanes It wounds me to think of my blasphemous oaths vttered in passion and distemper My disobedience to my Parents my excesse my drinking of healthes my prodigalitie yea my eating and drinking of more then to suffice nature and my feeding of Horses and Dogges with mans food such as many good Christians wanted expecting of the blessing for my faith without workes and for beleeuing without liuing of a sanctified life or truly following of a lawfull calling my open and secret sinnes my many motions to sinne and too much yeelding to Satans subtilties and mine owne imperfections vaine and light disposition pronenesse to Anger Pleasure Distrust Despayre my presumption when God shewed any miraculous deliuerance or any mercie to my soule bodie or estate All these are as a terrible Armie of so many deadly foes and like so many Swords and Speares entring into my heart and soule When I consider with my selfe mine owne vncertaine condition how when I haue thought my selfe safe and sure I haue found immediately that I haue beene most vncertaine and in greatest danger and when in greatest danger by Gods helpe and power most secure how in euery pleasure and calamitie I haue found a baite and in euery baite an hooke and that though for the space of ten yeares last I haue had a resolution not to sinne with purpose but rater to dye yet by myne owne weaknesse and wilfulnesse in passion I haue fallen into so innumerable and so abominable sins and haue as it were trampled vnder foote the bloud of the Son of God and returned like the Dogge to his vomit and like the Swine to the myre by my continuall falling repenting from the bottome of my heart for all and euery sinne which I haue committed from my birth to this moment And vpon the knees of my heart doe with such humble desire and affection as the difference requireth betweene the Mightie and Almightie Commander of Heauen Earth and Sea and mee one of the greatest Sinners in the World a wretched vile worme of no reputation yea with as seruent and vehement importunitie as euer any Thiefe did craue pardon or childe mercy and forgiuenesse do I begge and sue for pardon of God the Father of our Lord Iesus Christ the seer of the secrets of all hearts for his mercies sake whose mercies are ouer all his workes whose mercie preuayleth and reioyceth against his iustice and whose louing kindnesse lasteth for euer Vpon his promises made vnto vs in his holy word doe I build all my hope and confidence euen such as these following viz. That though our sinnes bee as Crimson or Scarlet he will make them white as Snow or Wooll That at what time soeuer a Sinner doth repent he will put out all his iniquites that if they would turn from their wickednesse and do righteousnesse they shall not dye but liue That he hath Balme of Gilead to heale the weake and sicke Also vpon these promises of our Lord Iesus God equall with his Father who saith Come vnto me all ye that trauell and bee heauie laden and I will ease you c. His disgraces reproches troubles teares sighes grones thornes skornes whipping spitting vpon beating stripes sweating nayling hanging wounding bleeding out his heart-bloud Passion Death Resurrection and Ascension are so many Salues and Medicines to cure my bleeding soule His bloud speaketh better things then the bloud of ABEL and the cry thereof ouercommeth the voice of Master Stors bloud and of all other my loud crying sinnes which call to Heauen for vengeance And therefore with this his bloud which hath satisfied for all temporall and eternall punishments doe I come sprinkled before God
and for the price and satisfaction made by this bloud do I cry for mercie mercie and earnestly desire grace to liue hereafter an holy and righteous life I am a Christian and a penitent Sinner how can I despaire or doubt of saluation knowing Gods infinite Mercie and Truth that he is not onely a God of Mercy readie to pardon but also a God of Truth who will truly fulfill his word and promise of pardon vpon mens true Repentance as of iustice in punishing them who persist in sinnes committed Why should I bee afraid to touch the hemme of my Sauiours garment seeing his promises are made vnto mee his satisfaction for me and for such Sinners as I am he did vndergoe all his sufferings from the pricke of the Thorne to the wound with the Speare from his first groane to his last act of passion his graue and buriall to his Resurrection and Ascension into Glory Mee thinkes those blessed words of the Apostle are spoken not onely to me but of mee Iesus Christ came into the World to saue Sinners of whom I am the chiefe Can I repenting doubt Can I being a Christian bee so base as to bee ashamed to confesse the Faith of our Lord Iesus Christ Can I haue more content or ayme at more then to be a Christian Conuert and a true Penitent seeing there is no higher honour in the world to bee aymed at no glory comparable to bee a true Christian Can disgrace pouertie calamitie height or depth life or death sinne or the Deuill daunt me They cannot they cannot for I finde God a light to mee in the midst of darknesse and a refreshing comfort in all calamities In so much that when I am in the deepest despayre for my sinnes in the greatest agonies and horrours of conscience and most bitter passions thinking with my selfe what an Estate I once had and how poore I am now How I was valued now despised how they who esteemed mee liuing in sinne doe now refuse mee repenting of my sinne What great cause of discomfort it is to me that I cannot nor am able to haue the breeding or to enioy the sight of my Children being Infants for whom I would suffer death hauing no refuge but to bee a Souldier or serue yet still euen when I am thus deiected and cast downe as low as sinne misery and the Deuill can cast me downe I doe not let goe my hold but doe cleaue to God and am vpholden by him continually When it is manifest that none of these things can tempt and allure me eyther to remoue my Religion which I professe or to forsake my Lord Iesus Christ whom I should forsake and forgoe if I should resolue to liue in Theft Piracie or any other sinne That I haue time to publish this I am fully satisfied my soule is at rest I am lesse carefull of my life a thousand times not desperately but humbly yeelding my selfe to God if I starue perish dye by the Sword bee taken captiue by the Turke and liue a most miserable Slaue all my dayes Yea come wofull life or shamefull death I will trust in God though he kill me and will neuer flye from him And here I professe and protest before God and the World that as I haue dishonoured God stayned my selfe with bloud in a most vile and abominable manner and defiled the honour of Religion to the great scandall and offence of many So I doe now with all my heart desire if I may be thought worthy and haue a due calling thereunto to stand with my Sword in my hand and to expose my selfe to the greatest dangers in the World in the most bloudie Battels Fire or Sword where God may shew extraordinarie Mercie or Iudgement in the defence of the Gospell and of true Christian Religion And as I haue basely slaine a Minister of Gods Word so in defence of the men of God the faithfull Ministers of his Word in this Church of England I may in any breach or danger interpose my selfe euen betweene them and death and defie and withstand all their Enemies or any other wayes yeeld my selfe to Gods Iudgements Tryals Corrections and Directions in a Vocation how low and meane soeuer and neuer turne Capuchine or take vpon mee any Popish and Superstitious Vow and profession of austeritie which is a fit refuge for Cowards Cains and Iudasses Though my sins are innumerable and abominable which still hang fast on me and cleaue as rust vnto my corrupt nature yet I haue the Balme of Gilead the bloud of Iesus Christ the mercie of God and the Diuine Power of Heauen to counteruaile them all Yea I haue many markes and tokens of Gods grace giuen to me and of his mercy shewed towards me which doe much refresh my soule As first that I aske and sue for mercie at no other power but at the hand of God for our Lord Iesus Christs sake and so in the right way to the Fountaine of Life Secondly That I find great content and comfort in wrastling against flesh and bloud and all myne owne corruptions and in maintayning to the Deuils face my Religion Faith Hope Repentance Thirdly That I hold my certaine and resolute determination as an armour against his fiery Darts and doe still lay fast and sure hold on our Lord Iesus Christ hoping to perseuer and hold out to the end Fourthly That I haue peace of conscience more then the World is worth which if I neuer had tasted nor knowne but were as an Heathen or Turke I should with the World holding that for bloud vengeance must haunt without Redemption and so being frighted with Furies vnknowne and endlesse grow desperate and like Varney and Dansekar dye with bloudie content in reuenge or prosecute till death Piracie or Theft to mitigate my endlesse tormenting miseries and to leaue my Children an Estate though neuer so vniustly got Fiftly That I cannot be brought to deny Christ or to doubt that there is a Christ nor be pulled from beleeuing in Christ and hope to bee saued through him by the Deuill nor all my sinnes if I had all the sinnes in the World vpon me Sixtly That I am deliuered from the danger and infection of the Romish Religion For if I were of that Religion I would attempt any sinfull course as Theft or Piracie to releeue my wants in hope of Pardon Penance or Purgatorie for no punishment should terrifie me let it bee whatsoeuer it could bee euen Purgatorie it selfe so it might haue end I would willingly endure it if so be it might procure me pardon and vnder that condition grant mee libertie to sinne I should with them of that Religion hold that Iustice must bee satisfied necessarily vpon Sinners in this World and that by our owne bodily sufferings sinne must bee expiated and there is no auoyding it And so I would seeke by voluntary earthly punishment in this life to satisfie Iustice by turning Pilgrime or Capuchine Yea I am assured that our Lord Iesus hath satisfied for all punishments of vengeance both temporall and eternall though I haue endured or should hereafter vndergoe all miseries and calamities and euen a most bitter and painfull death yet I doe not account them any satisfaction or expiation my bloud cannot satisfie for bloud I may if God should so dispose haue a bloudie end as a iust reward of my sinne I cannot deny it but what can satisfie to iustifie Surely none of mine owne miserable calamities can make any part of satisfaction that is a thing which I vtterly disclayme onely the bloud and satisfaction of Iesus Christ is that on which I doe lay hold and relye by Faith for Iustification Yet because not onely the Maiestie of God hath beene deeply offended by my haynous transgressions but also his Church greatly scandalized and the mindes of my graue Fathers and deare Brethren in Christ no lesse deeply wounded in their compassion for him that dyed by my hand then himselfe was in his passion and bodily dissolution whose many wounds bleed a fresh in my eyes and memorie I professe my selfe readie and willing to endure whatsoeuer other humiliation this blessed Church hath or shall impose vpon mee for the further assurance of my satisfaction to her which may in some sort suite with the depth of my offence against her and her Children Verily as I abhorre Popish satisfaction derogating from the merits of Christs bloud so I with others more learned then my selfe wish that the ancient Discipline of the Primitiue sincere Church were more throughly reuiued in euery scandalous crime by publike confession submission and satisfaction to the Christian Congregation Wherein my self desire as much to go beyond others in my humiliation as I haue exceeded all in my presumptuous transgressions With offensiue but penitent Ecebolius in the Ecclesiasticall History I say of my selfe Cast me out tread vpon me for vnsauourie Salt FINIS Prou. 1. 7 8 9. Psal 139. 7 â— Esay 1. 1â— Mat. 25.
vnprouided for my owne safetie by flight which I should haue ordered my coursefor had my intent beene murtherous But here it pleased God in his iust iudgement for my hardnesse of heart and contempt of his Word and Commandements to giue ouer my hand to wound deeper then my heart intended Woe is mee my heart bleedeth to thinke how deepe my Sword pierced The enemy of Mankinde was a Murtherer from the beginning he gat such dominion ouer me that he made my Sword and hand his Seruants and so made me like vnto himselfe a bloudy Man-slayer So must I needes acknowledge my selfe because my heart though not before so intending yet as principall is guiltie of that which my hand did in the heate of fury True it is and alas woe is mee for it I gaue him diuers wounds whereof within eight dayes hee dyed yeelding vp that soule which iustly craued for vengeance vpon me for disseuering it from the bodie This done I retyred and saued my selfe by flight withall conueniencie I could with a resolution to recouer Scotland after many dangerous escapes I attayned to Barwicke where I was for the fact apprehended and from thence though it were a Garrison obserued with all strictnesse I made a strange escape and thence ouer-land I went towards Plimmouth in which passage though I auoyded all the way-layings to preuent me at Warwicke I was questioned in susspition of a Robbery but for that my innocence could not be frighted though still the guilt of the other fact pursued mee but neyther so retyred or safe was I that my being freed from the hand of Iustice could either free my bodie from Gods Iudgement or my minde from fearing it carrying euer with mee a distressed conscience that like a troubed Sea tossed me to and fro yet neuer so left by Gods mercy that I had not euer a true and sensible feeling of what I had done though my distractions directed mee not a course which way to redeeme my selfe the horrour of my fact and despaire fighting against mee on the one side my viewing and considering of Gods mercies opposing that on the other till thus in the following dangers and calamities of my life which after I shall shew God hath by threatning me with vnheard dangers alwayes following mee and yet neuer hurting as if his Prouidence would not leaue one houre of mine to such securitie as might make me presume that he had forgotten to punish me longer then I remembred to be mindfull of my sinnes and renew my Repentance for them My selfe with my load of sinne and guiltinesse being thus then from Dartmouth shipt in a Vessell bound for Saint Maloâ—s in France Almightie God knowing the corruption of my nature lest I should forget his power and my selfe in this seeming safetie of myne commanded the Winds and Seas to warre against our poore Barke which prouoked a more fearfull tempest within me then could bee threatned without though wee spent our mayne Mast by the board for then I began to remember that excellent saying of the Psalmist Whither shall I goe from thy spirit or whither shall I flye from thy presence Let me take the wings of the morning and dwell in the vttermost parts of the Sea yet thither shall thine hand leade me and thy right hand hold me c. Then much more then before my conscience wak'd my sleeping soule and the wounds I had made were bleeding before mee in this danger God vouchsafed vs his mercy and set vs safe on shore in the I le of Garnsey there should I againe haue beene examined as vsually Passengers are to giue account what I was and whither I would and so in likelihood should haue bin discouered But this I shifted off by getting into a small Boate and so vnknowne I passed from Garnsey into France to the Roades and so to Roane where I liued about sixe monethes being at length exposed to as much miserie as perplexitie could lay on a friendlesse Stranger in an vnknowne Land These sufferings still brought me home to my selfe and neerer to God in the true acknowledgement of my vild fact and his mercy in the extremest wracke of my want see the Prouidence of God my still Preseruer Three ships of the States came to Calice to receiue mony lent by the States to the French King with whom like a restlesse man being at that present releeued with mony by my Father I shipt my selfe and from Rotterdam I came to Delphe where Sir Francis Vere entertayned me a Gentleman of his Company during my aboad in that seruice I receiued continuall sollicitings for my amendment repentance and comfort from one Master Trigg of Longledenham in Lincolnshire a godly Preacher whose daily Letters quickened and seconded that good worke the Lord had already begun in me My Father had by this time being the yeare 1603. procured my Pardon and sent for me home for which I was no sooner shipt but still obserue how God followed me with mercy and threatning iudgement lest my pardon from my Prince should make mee carelesse of his better forgiuenesse and negligent in the begging it The Seas must againe swell as angry to beare my sinnes and as if all these dangers of Rockes and Seas had bin to little our Tempest beaten Vessell must bee chased by a Dunkarker Man of Warre so that their was no hope left to saue vs from these dangers but his Omnipotent hand which safely from all these deliuered mee once againe on English ground Scarce was I entertayned at home but least still I should nestle my selfe in a secure slumber another affliction arose to endanger mee The wife of the slaine sueth an Appeale against me notwithstanding my Pardon against which her Plea by reason of some error in the forme of it I obtayned a defence or defeate called Ne recipiatur yet after this was my Pardon questioned at the Bench of Assise for about fiue yeares together the Iudges of that Circuit still binding me ouer and refusing to giue allowance to it Which I acknowledge though it were Summum lus against mee yet that it was very honourably and Iudge-like done of them in so notorious a Crime as mine As also his Maiestie himselfe by whose extraordinary grace I enioy my breath was in point of Iustice very willing that some defect if possible might haue beene found in my pardon and so should I haue vndergone the iust stroke of the Law which not only others but euen my selfe wondered how I could escape Thus the terrours of deserued death were still knocking at the doores of my eares and heart In all which troubled time new prouocations were daily offered me whereby I was in danger to draw more bloud vpon me or make my selfe vncapable of my pardon all which things God suffered mee to be temped with but not to fall into in the meane while my Father was taken away from my troubles and out of this World I resolued to haue gone againe out of this
in an instant restored him to health Now the time of my tryall for Master Riggs came where though my Iudge was seuere in respect of my past life and not trusting the vnder-Sherife did himselfe choose out a Iury of men of the better fashion to iudge vpon mee without partiality yet vpon the Euidence of my auoyding him I was not found guiltie of Murther charged vpon me in the Indictment but of an inferiour degree At which time being adiudged without bayle to suffer a yeares imprisonment I felt againe the hand of God vpon mee by visiting my said Sonne in a strange manner that all men might take this for a terrible note of his Iudgement and rather then accidentall or naturall disease hee was crippled and taken lame in all his limbes and deformed in all proportion as if the Lord had in him figured the lamenesse and deformitie of his Fathers soule About 4. yeares this continued on him then God in his good time restored him to perfect health and abilitie of bodie leauing mee this vse of all his Iudgements which haue threatned mee and mine that like an Indulgent Father â—e hath still shaken the Rod ouer mee but not layed it on me that I might feare to offend him because I see his power and loue and seeke him because I taste his mercies My freedome at the yeares end purchased I had not yet in all these sufferings buried the old man so much in me as that there remayned not to much of him in my corruption notwithstanding all these extreames most of my Estate I sold to satisfie such engagements as my troubles had pawned me in the surplus of which I dedicated not I confesse that pious way I ought either in setling my then vnsetled selfe in any honest Calling or conuerting my left stock to good imployment but borrowing too much libertie from Gods mercie I gaue my selfe to my Pleasures which I called lawfull Recreations though in themselues not vnlawfull being moderately vsed yet surely very much vnbeseeming such a Penitent as I was or ought to haue beene and as if this had bin nothing I went farre further and put my money out to Vsury for which my Curse was to be vtterly cheated of the most of it because God in his infinite goodnesse saw that whilst I had any thing left to feed my vanities withall I could not be made wholy and fully his Thus hauing disposed my selfe of all wayes and power to liue and maintayne my Family heere I began to lay this to my selfe that God had deseruedly and iustly taken from mee all that I was Master of and to prayse him for so gentle a chastizement and that now it lay vpon mee by inuocating his blessing and endeuouring my selfe in any course how difficult soeuer to leaue something by my labours purchast for my Wife and Children since my sinnes had made them destitute neuer despayring but that it might please God to preserue mee and fully to prouide for me to this intent I was an earnest Suitor about the Court to some Acquaintance of my wiues only for imployment forreigne or domesticall such as their discretions should Iudge mee fit for In this Court-hope I languisht long till my necessities strained my patience euery course failing mee on which I built At last no way was left mee but to ship my selfe for Argeares in the last Fleete depending still on the mercy of God and resoluing to serue faithfully and resolutely in all such actions my Commander should impose on me In a Ship called the Vaunt-gard Vice-Admirall of the Fleete I was appointed by the Generall to the Commaund of Sir Richard Hawkins a Gentleman from whom I receiued noble respect and worthy fauours yet God that would not yet possesse me of any certaine quiet either in Friends or Fortunes though my resolution were fixt to all Conformitie and my desires wholly dedicated to the redeeming my lost Credit with some good Action still exagitated my Companions with secret heart-burnings against mee and for the Lord was angry with me to whom could I be acceptable he being at warre with me from whence should I expect peace these my enemies by daily prouokings on purpose to tempt me so farre that my fury might forfeit my life and make me forget my selfe and God that had not my wise Captaine preuented it by giuing mee leaue to depart home I am afraid I had confiscated my life to Marshall Law and heapt more bloud vpon my sinne-drenched Soule Thus was I depriued of all the comforts I resolued of and forced thus to returne home rather as it may be thought with an addition of shame then Garland of Honour for God knew how good soeuer to my selfe this course seemed it was not fit for me neither was the time of my peace yet come In a Ship called the Marigold of London I was by my Captaine prouided for to come home when in the very Roade of Malaga in the face of the Fleet and beginning of our Voyage wee had like to haue perished had not the Lord againe extended his mercie Two other English Ships hoysing sayle with vs our Ship was foule of another Ship which lay at Anchor in the Roade and when she should haue looffed shee fell the contrary way as seeming vnwilling to venter her selfe at Sea with so heauy a burthen as I was charged with the Sea was exceeding high nor could the ship worke being euer foule of one Ship or another and in spight of all art and labour could be by the Mariners imployed shee would to shoare as if she desired to spew me out of her sicke bowels and had she not in midst of all these dangers by the letting fall of an Anchor beene stopped shee had ineuitably split vpon a Rocke that was then menacing her Away were our Companions gone to Sea and we thus left then began I to feare least the Sea-men should lay all this mis-aduenture on me and prayed feruently that the Lord would not that way punish me but for his mercie sake deliuer vs. With much labour and more feare at length we put to Sea where we had not long beene but on this side the Straites of Gibiralter when we were almost past feare still the Iudgement of God pursued me lest I should forget Fiue Turkes men of Warre bore vp with vs and like the feare of these the Sea had none to resist we were vnable though wee addressed our selues for fight and to be taken Slaues to Infidels and Vassals to the common enemies of Christ oh what can crueltie more deuise to punish with or the trembling heart of deiected man more feare to suffer vnder Yet from this gaping mischiefe the Lord prouided an vnexpected deliuerie for those which are by nature the deuourers of men prooued our Deliuerers Two Lions we had aboard vs which they knew sent from Argears a Present to our King for which cause in all likelihood they left vs without spoyling that present intimating a League