THE MERRY VVIVES OF WINDSOR With the humours of Sir Iohn Falstaffe As also the swaggering vaine of Ancient Pistoll and Corporall Nym. Written by William Shake-Speare Newly corrected LONDON Printed by T. H. for R. Meighen and are to be sold at his Shop next to the Middle-Temple Gate and in S. Dunstans Church-yard in Fleet-street 1630. THE MERRY VVIVES OF VVINSOR Actus primus Scena prima Enter Iustice Shallow Slender Sir Hugh Euans Master Page Falstoffe Bardolph Nym Pistoll Anne Page Mistresse Ford Mistresse Page Simple Shallow SIr Hugh perswade mee not I will make a Star-Chamber matter of it if he were twenty Sir Iohn Falstoffe hee shall not abuse Robert Shadow Esquire Slen. In the County of Glocester Iustice of Peace and Coram Shal. I Cosen Slender and Cust alorum Slen. I and Rotulorum too and a Gentleman borne Master Parson who writes himselfe Armigero in any Bill Warrant Quittance or Obligation Armigero Shal. I that I doe and haue done any time these three hundred yeeres Slen. All his successors gone before him hath don 't and all his Ancestors that come after him may they may giue the dozen white Luces in their Coate Shal. It is an olde Coate Euans The dozen white Lowses doe become an olde Coat well it agrees well passant It is a familiar beast to man and signifies Loue. Shal. The Luse is the fresh-fish the salt-fish is an old Coate Slen. I may quarter Coz Shal. You may by marrying Euans It is marring indeed if he quarter it Shal. Not a whit Euan. Yes per-lady if hee ha's a quarter of your coate there is but three Shirts for your selfe in my simple coniectures but that is all one if Sir Iohn Falstaffe haue committed disparagements vnto you I am of the Church and will be glad to doe my beneuolence to make attonements and compremises betweene you Shal. The Councell shall heare it it is a Riot Euan. It is not meet the Councell heare a Riot there is no feare of Got in a Riot The Councell looke you shall desire to heare the feare of Got and not to heare a Riot take your viza-ments in that Shal. Ha o' my life if I were yong againe the sword should end it Euans It is petter that friends is the sword and end it and there is also another deuice in my praine which peraduenture prings goot discretions with it There is Anne Page which is daughter to Master Thomas Page which is pretty virginity Slen. Mistris Anne Page shee has browne haire and speakes small like a woman Euans It is that ferry person for all the world as iust as you will desire and seuen hundred pounds of Moneies and Gold Siluer is her Grand sire vpon his deaths-bed Got deliuer to a ioyfull resurrections giue when she is able to ouertake seuenteene yeeres old It were a goot motion if we leaue our pribbles and prabbles and desire a marriage betweene Master Abraham and Mistris Anne Page Slen. Did her Grand sire leaue her seauen hundred pound Euan. I and her father is make her a petter penny Slen. I know the young Gentlewoman she has good gifts Euan. Seuen hundred pounds possibilities is goot gifts Shal. Wel let vs see honest Master Page is Falstaffe there Euan. Shall I tell you a lye I doe despise a lyer as I doe despise one that is false or as I despise one that is not true the Knight Sir Iohn is there and I beseech you be ruled by your well-willers I will peat the doore for Master Page What hoa Got-plesse your house heere Master Page Who 's there Euen Here is go 't's plesting and your friend and Iustice Shallow heere young Master Slender that peraduentures shall tell you another tale if matters grow to your likings Master Page I am glad to see your Worships well I thanke you for my Venison Master Shallow Shal. Master Page I am glad to see you much good doe it your good heart I wish'd your Venison better it was ill killed how doth good Mistresse Page and I thanke you alwaies with my heart la with my heart M. Page Sir I thanke you Shal. Sir I thanke you by yea and no I doe M. Pa. I am glad to see you good Master Slender Slen. How do's your fallow Greyhound Sir I heard say he was out run on Cotsall M. Pa. It could not be iudg'd Sir Slen. You 'll not confesse you 'll not confesse Shal. That hee will not 't is your fault 't is your fault 't is a good dogge M. Pa. A Cur Sir Shal. Sir hee 's a good dog and a faire dog can there be more said he is good and faire Is Sir Iohn Falstaffe heerr M. Pa. Sir hee is within and I would I could doe a good office betweene you Euan. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speake Shal. He hath wrong'd me Master Page M. Pa. Sir he doth in some sort confesse it Shal. If it be confessed it is not redressed is not that so M. Page he hath wrong'd me indeed he hath at a word he hath belecue me Robert Shallow Esquire saith hee is wronged Ma. Pa. Here comes Sir Iohn Fal. Now Master Shallow you 'll complaine of me to the King Shal. Knight you haue beaten my men kill'd my deere and broke open my Lodge Fal. But not kiss'd your Keepers daughter Shal. Tut a pin this shall be answer'd Fal. I will answer it strait I haue done all this That is now answer'd Shal. The Councell shall know this Fal. 'T were better for you if it were known in Councell you 'll be laugh'd at Eu. Pauca verba Sir Iohn good worts Fal. Good worts good Cabidge Slender I broke your head what matter haue you against me Slen. Marry sir I haue matter in my head against you and against your cony-catching Rascals Bardolf Nym and Pistoll Bar. You Banbery Cheese Slen. I it is no matter Pist How now Mephostophilus Slen. I it is no matter Nym. Slice I say pauca pauca Slice that 's my humor Slen. Where 's Simple my man can you tell Cosen Eua. Peace I pray you now let vs vnderstand there is three Vmpires in this matter as I vnderstand that is Master Page fidelicet Master Page and there is my selfe fidelicet my selfe and the three party is lastly and finally mine Host of the Garter Ma. Pa. We three to heare it and end it between them Euan. Ferry goo't I will make a priefe of it in my note-booke and we will afterwards orke vpon the cause with as great discreetly as we can Fal. Pistoll Pist He heares with eares Euan. The Teuill and his Tam what phrase is this hee heares with eare why it is affectations Fal. Pistoll did you picke M. Slenders purse Slen. I by these gloues did he or I would I might neuer come in mine owne great chamber againe else of seauen groates in mill-sixpences and two Edward Shouelboords that cost me two shilling and two pence a peece of Yead Miller by
M. Ford He 's too big to go in there what shall I doe Fal Let me see 't let me see 't O let me see 't I le â—n I le in follow your friends counsell I le in Mist Page What Sir Iohn Falstaffe Are these your Letters Knight Fal. I loue thee helpe mee away let me creepe in heere I le neuer M. Page Helpe to couer your Master Boy Call your men Mist Ford. You dissembling Knight Mis Ford. What Iohn Rugby Iohn Goe take vp these cloathes heere quickly Wher 's the Cowle-staffe Looke how you drumble Carry them to the Landresse in Datchet meade quickly come Ford. 'Pray you come neere if I suspect without cause Why then make sport at me then let me be your iest I deserue it How now Whether beare you this Ser. To the Landresse forsooth Mis Ford. Why what haue you to doe whether they beare it You were best meddle with buck-washing Ford. Bucke I would I could wash my selfe of the Buck Bucke bucke bucke I bucke I warrant you Bucke And of the season too it shall appeare Gentlemen I haue dream'd to night I le tell you my dreame heere heere heere bee my keyes ascend my Chambers search seeke finde out I le warrant wee 'le vnkennell the Fox Let mee stop this way first so now vncape Page Good master Ford be contented You wrong your selfe too much Ford. True master Page vp Gentlemen You shall see sport anon Follow me Gentlemen Euans This is fery fantasticall humors and iealousies Caius By gar 't is no-the fashion of France It is not iealous in France Page Nay follow him Gentlemen see the yssue of his search Mis Page Is there not a double excellency in this Mis Ford. I know not which pleases me better That my husband is deceiued or Sir Iohn Mis Page What a taking was he in when your husband askt who was in the basket Mis Ford. I am halfe affraid hee will haue neede of washing so throwing him into the water will doe him a benefit Mis Page Hang him dishonest rascall I would all of the same straine were in the same distresse Mist Ford. I thinke my husband hath some speciall suspition of Falstafs being heere for I neuer saw him so grosse in his iealousie till now Mist Page I will lay a plot to try that and wee will yet haue more trickes with Falstaffe his dissolute disease will scarse obey this medicne Mis Ford. Shall we send that foolishion Carion Mistris Quickly to him and excuse his throwing into the water and giue him another hope to betray him to another punishment Mis Page Wee will doe it let him be sent for to morrow eight a clocke to haue amends Ford. I cannot finde him may be the knaue bragg'd of that he could not compasse Mis Page Heard you that Mis Ford. You vse me well M Ford Doe you Ford. I I doe so M. Ford. Heauen make you better then your thoughts Ford. Amen Mis Page You doe your selfe mighty wrong M. Ford Ford. I I I must beare it Euan. If there be any pody in the house and in the chambers and in the coffers and in the presses heauen forgiue my sinnes at the day of iudgement Caius Be-gar nor I too there is no bodies Page Fy fy M Ford are you not asham'd What spirit what diuell suggests this imagination I would not ha your distemper in this kind for the welth of Windsor castle Ford. 'T is my fault M. Page I suffer for it Euans You suffer for a pad conscience your wife is as honest a o'mans as I will desires among fiue thousand and fiue hundred too Cai. By gar I see 't is an honest woman Ford. Well I promisd you a dinner come come walke in the Parke I pray you pardon me I will hereafter make knowne to you why I haue done this Come wife come Mist Page I pray you pardon me Pray hartly pardon me Page Let 's go in Gentlemen but trust me we 'l mocke him I doe inuite you to morrow morning to my house to breakefast after we 'll a Birding together I haue a fine Hawke for the bush Shall it be so Ford. Any thing Euan. If there is one I shall make two in the Companie Cai. If there be one or two I shall make-a-theturd Ford. Pray you goe M. Page Euans I pray you now remembrance to morrow on the lowsie knaue mine Host Cai. Dat is good by gar withall my heart Euan. A lowsie knaue to haue his gibes and his mockeries Exeunt Scoena Quarta Enter Fenton Anne Page Shallow Slender Quickly Page Mist Page Fen. I see I cannot get thy Fathers loue Therefore no more turne me to him sweet Nan. Anne Alas how then Fen. Why thou must be thy selfe He doth obiect I am too great of birth And that my state being gall'd with my expence I seeke to heale it onely by his wealth Besides these other barres he layes before me My Riots past my wilde Societies And tels me 't is a thing impossible I should loue thee but as a property Anne May be he tels you true Fen. No heauen so speed me in my time to come Albeit I will confesse thy Fathers wealth Was the first motiue that I woo'd thee Anne Yet wooing thee I found thee of more valew Then stamps in Gold or summes in sealed baggesâ— And 't is the very riches of thy selfe That now I ayme at Anne Gentle M. Fenton Yet seeke my Fathers loue still seeke it sir If opportunity and humblest suite Cannot attaine it why then harke you hither Shal. Breake their talke Mistris Quickly My Kinsman shall speake for himselfe Slen. I le make a shaft or a bolt on 't slid t is but venturing Shal. Be not dismaid Slen. No she shall not dismay me I care not for that but that I am affeard Qui. Hark ye Master Slender would speake a word with you Anne I come to him This is my Fathers choice O what a world of vilde-ill-fauour'd faults Lookes handsome in three hundred pounds a yeare Qui And how do's god Master Fenton Pray you a word with you Shal. Shee 's comming to her Coz O boy thou hadst a father Slen. I had a father Mistris Anne my vncle can tel you good iests of him pray you Vncle tel Mistris Anne the iest how my Father stole two Geese out of a Pen good Vnckle Shal. Mistris Anne my Cozen loues you Slen. I that I doe as well as I loue any woman in Glocestershire Shal He will maintaine you like a Gentlewoman Slen. I that I will come cut and long-taile vnder the degree of a Squire Shal. Hee will make you a handred and fiftie pounds ioynture Anne Good Master Shallow let him woe for himselfe Shal. Marry I thanke you for it I thanke you for that good comfort she cals you Coz I le leaue you Anne Now Master Slender Slen. Now good Mistris Anne Anne What is your will Slen. My will Odd's-hart-lings that 's a prettie iest indeed
his hand well on went hee for a search and away went I for foule Cloathes But marke the sequell Master Broome I suffered the pangs of three seuerall deaths First an intollerable fright to bee detected with a iealious rotten Bell weather Next to bee compass'd like a good Bilbo in the circumference of a Pecke hilt to point hee le to head And then to bee stopt in like a strong distillation with stinking Cloathes that fretted in their owne grease thinke of that a man of my Kidney thinke of that that am as subiect to heate as butter a man of continuall dissolution and thaw it was a miracle to scapesuffocation And in the height of this Bath when I was more then halfe stew'd in grease like a Dutchdish to bee throwne into the Thames and coold glowing hot in that serge like a Horse-shoo thinke of that hissing hot thinke of that Master Broome Ford. In good sadnesse Sir I am sorry that for my sake you haue sufferd all this My suite then is desperate You 'll vndertake her no more Fal. Master Broome I will bee throwne into Eâ—ta as I haue beene into Thames ere I will leaue her thus her Husband is this morning gone a Birding I haue receiued from her another ambassie of meeting 'twixt eight and nine is the houre Master Broome Ford. 'T is past eight already Sir Fal. Is it I will then addresse mee to my appointment Come to mee at your conuenient leasure and you shall know how I speede and the conclusion shall bee crowned with your enioying her adiew you shall haue her Master Broome Master Broome you shal cuckold Ford. Ford. Hum ha Is this a vision Is this a dreame doe I sleepe Master Ferd awake awake Master Ford ther 's a hole made in your best coate Master Ford this 't is to bee marryed this 't is to haue Lynnen and Buck-baskets Well I will proclaime my selfe what I am I will now take the Leacher hee is at my house hee cannot scape mee 't is impossible hee should hee cannot creepe into a halfe-penny purse not into a Pepper-Boxe But lest the Diuell that guides him should aide him I will search impossible places though what I am I cannot auoide yet to bee what I would not shall not make me tame If I haue hornes to make one mad let the prouerbe goe with mee I le bee horne-mad Exeunt Actus Quartus Scoena Prima Enter Mistris Page Quickly William Euens Mis Page Is he at M. Fords already think'st thou Qui. Sure hee is by this or will bee presently but truely hee is very couragious mad about his throwing into the water Mistris Ford desires you to come sodainely Mis Page I le be with her by and by I le but bring my yong-man here to Schoole looke where his Master comes 't is a playing day I see how now Sir Hugh no Schoole to day Euans No Master Slender is let the Boyes leaue to play Qui. ' Blessing of his heart Mis Page Sir Hugh my husband saies my sonne profits nothing in the world at his Booke I pray you aske him some questions in his Accidence Euans Come hither William hold vp your head come Mis Page Come-on Sirha hold vp your head answere your Master be not afraid Euans William how many Numbers is in Nownes Will. Two Qui. Truely I thought there had bin one Number more because they say od's-Nownes Euan. Peace your tatlings What is Faire William Will. Pulcher. Qu. Powlcats there are fairer things then Powlcat sure Euans You are a very simplicity o'man I pray you peace What is Lapis William Will. A Stone Euan. And what is a Stone William Will. A Peeble Euan. No it is Lapis I pray you remember in your praine Will. Lapis Euans That is a good William what is he William that do's lend Articles Will. Articles are borrowed of the Pronoune and be thus declined Singulariter nominatiuo hic haec hoc Euan. Nominatiuo hig hag hog pray you marke genitiue huius Well what is your Accusatiue-case Will. Accusatiue hinc Euan. I pray you haue your remembrance childe Accusatiuo hing hang hog Qui. Hang-hog is latten for Bacon I warrant you Euan. Leaue your prables o'man What is the Focatiue case William Will. O Vocatiuo O. Euan. Remember William Focatiue is caret Qui. And that 's a good roote Euan. O'man forbare Mis Page Peace Euan. What is your Genitiue case plurall William Will. Genitiue case Euan. I. Will. Genitiue horum harum horum Qui. Vengeance of Ginyes case fie on her neuer name her childe if she be a whore Euan. For shame o'man Qui. You doe ill to teach the childe such words hee teaches him to hic and to hac which they 'll doe fast enough of themselues and to call horum fie vpon you Euan. O'man art thou Lunaties Hast thou no vnderstandings for thy Cases and the numbers of the Genders Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires M. Page Pre'thee hold thy peace Euan. Shew me now William some declensions of your Pronounes Will. Forsooth I haue forgot Euans It is Qui que quod if you forget your Quies your Ques and your Quods you must be preeches Goe your waies and play go M. Page He is a better scholler then I thought hee was Euans He is a good sprag memory Farewel Mis. Page Mis Page Adeu good Sir Hugh Get you home boy Come we stay too long Exeunt Scoena Secunda Enter Falstaffe M. Ford Mist Page Seruants Ford Page Caius Euans Shallow Fal. Mis Ford Your sorrow hath eaten vp my sufferance I see you are obsequious in your loue and I professe requitall to a haires bredth not onely Mistris Ford in the simple office of loue but in all the accustrement complement and ceremony of it But are you sure of your husband now M. Ford. Hee 's a birding sweet Sir Iohn Mis Page What hoa gossip Ford what hoa Mis Ford. Step into th' chamber Sir Iohn Mis Page How now sweet heart whose at home besides your selfe Mis Ford. Why none but mine owne people Mis Page Indeed Mis Frod No certainly Speake louder Mis Page Truly I am so glad you haue no body here Mist Ford. Why Mis Page Why woman your husband is in his olde lines againe he so takes on yonder with my husband so railes against all married mankind so curses all Eues daughters of what complexion soeuer and so buffettes himselfe on the for-head crying peere-out peere-out that any madnesse I euer yet beheld seem'd but tamenesse ciuility and patience to this his distemper he is in now I am glad the fat Knight is not heere Mis Ford. Why do's he talke of him Mis Page Of none but him and sweares hee was caried out the last time hee search'd for him in a Basket Protests to my husband he is now heere and hath drawne him and the rest of their company from their sport to make another experiment of his suspition But I am glad the Knight is
to young Master Fenton He capers he dances he has cies of youth he writes verses he speakes holliday he smels Aprill and May he will carry 't hee will carry 't 't is in his buttons he will carry 't Page Not by my consent I promise you The Gentleman is of no hauing he kept companie with the wilde Prince Pointz hee is of too high a Region hee knows too much no hee shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance if he takes her let him take her simply the wealth I haue waits on my consent and my consent goes not that way Ford. I beseech you heartily some of you goe home with me to dinner besides your cheere you shall haue sport I will shew you a monster Master Doctor you shall goe so shall your Master Page and you Sir Hugh Shal. Well fare you well We shall haue the freer woing at Master Pages Cai. Go home Iohn Rugby I come anon Host Farwell my hearts I will to my honest Knight Falstaffe and drinke Canarie with him Ford. I thinke I shall drinke in Pipe-wine first with him I le make him dance Will you go Gentles All. Haue with you to see this Monster Exeunt Scoena Tertia Enter Master Ford. Master Page Seruants Robin Falstaffe Ford Page Caius Euans Mis Ford. What Iohn what Robert M. Page Quickly quickly Is the Buck-basket Mis Ford. I warrant What Robin I say Mis Page Come come come Mi Ford. Heere set it downe M. Page Giue your men the charge wee must be briefe be ready here hard by in the Brew house and when I sodainly call you come forth and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders that done trudge with it in all hast and carry it among the Whitsters in Dotchet Mead and there empty it in the muddie ditch close by the Thames side Mis Page You will do it M. Ford. I ha told them ouer and ouer they lacke no direction Begone and come when you are call'd M. Page Here comes little Robin Mis Ford. How now my Eyas Musket what newes with you Rob. My M. Sir Iohn is come in at the backe doore Mist Ford and requests your company Mis Page You little lack-a-lent haue you bin true to vs. Rob. I I le be sworne my Master knowes not of your being heere and hath threatned to put mee into euerlasting liberty if I tell you of it for he sweares he 'll turne me away Mis Page Thou' rt a good boy this secrecy of thine shall be a Tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose I le go hide me Mis Ford. Do so go tell thy Master I am alone Mistris Page remember you your Qu. Mis Page I warrant thee if I do not act it hisse me Mis Ford Go too then we 'l vse this vnwholsome humidity this grosse-warry Pumpion we 'll teach him to know Turtles from Iayes Fal. Haue I caught thee my heauenly Iewell Why now let me die for I haue liu'd long enough This is the period of ambition O this blessed houre Mis Ford. O sweet Sir Iohn Fal. Mistris Ford I cannot cog I cannot prate Master Ford now shall I sinne in my wish I would thy Husband were dead I le speake it before the best Lord I would make thee my Lady Mis Ford. I your Lady Sir Iohn Alas I should be a pittifull Lady Fal Let the Court of France shew mee such another I see how thine eye would emulate the Diamond Thou hast the right arched-beauty of the brow that becomes the Ship-tyre the Tyre-valiant or any Tire of Venetian admittance Mist Ford. A plaine Kerchiefe Sir Iohn My browes become nothing else nor that well neither Fal. Thou art a tyrant to say so thou wouldst make an absolute Courtier and the firme fixture of thy foote would giue an excellent motion to thy gate in a semi-circled Farthingale I see what thou wert if Fortune thy foe were not Noture thy friend Come thou canst not hide it Mist Ford. Beleeue me ther 's no such thing in me Fal. What made me loue thee Let that perswade thee Ther 's something extraordinary in thee Come I cannot cog and say thou art this and that like a manie of thess lisping hauthorne buds that come like women in mens apparrell and smell like Bucklers-berry in simple time I cannot but I loue thee none but thee and thou deseru'st it M. Ford. Do not betray me sir I feare you loue M. Page Fal. Thou mightst as well say I loue to walke by the Counter-gate which is a hatefull to me as the reeke of a Lime-kill Mis Ford. Well heauen knowes how I loue you And you shall one day finde it Fal. Keepe in that minde I le deserue it Mist Ford. Nay I must tell you so you doe Or else I could not be in that minde Rob. Mistris Ford Mistris Ford heere 's Mistris Page at the doore sweating and blowing and looking wildly and would needs speake with you presently Fal. She shall not see me I will ensconce mee behinde the Arras M. Ford. Pray you doe so she 's a very tatling woman What 's the matter How now Miist Pag. O mistris Ford what haue you done You 'r sham'd y' are ouerthrowne y' are vndone for euer M. Ford. What 's the matter good mistris Page M. Page O weladay mist Ford hauing and honestman to your husband to giue him such cause of suspition M. Ford. What cause of suspition Mis Page What cause of suspition Out vpon you How am I mistooke in you Mis Ford. Why alas what 's the matter Mis Page Your husband's comming hether Woman with all the Officers in Windsor to search for a Gentleman that hee sayes is heere now in the house by your consent to take an ill aduantage of his absence you are vndone M. Ford. 'T is not so I hope Mist Page Pray heauen it be not so that you haue such a man heere but 't is most certaine your husband's comming with halfe Windsor at his heeles to serch for such a one I come before to tell you if you know your selfe cleere why I am glad of it but if you haue a friend here conuey conuey him out Be not amaz'd call all your senses to you defend your reputation or bid farwell to your good life for euer M. Ford. What shall I doe There is a Gentleman my deere friend and I feare not mine owne shame so much as his perill I had rather then a thousand pound he were out of the house M. Page For shame neuer stand you had rather you had rather your husband 's heere at hand bethinke you of some conueyance in the house you cannot bide him Oh how haue you deceiu'd me Looke heere is a basket if hee be of any reasonable stature hee may creepe in heere and throw fowle linnen vpon him as if it were going to bucking Or it is whiting time send him by your two men to Datchet-Meade
not heere now hee shall see his owne foolerie Mis Ford. How neere is he Mistrs Page Mist Page Hard by at street end he will be here anon Mist Ford. I am vndone the Knight is heere Mist Page Why then you are vtterly sham'd and hee 's but a dead man What a woman are you Away with him away with him Better shame then murther Mist Ford. Which way should he goe How should I bestow him Shall I put him into the basket againe Fal. No I le come no more i' th Basket May I not goe out ere he come Mist Page Alas three of Master Fords brothers watch the doore with Pistols that none shall issue out otherwise you might slip away ere hee came But what make you heere Fal. What shall I doe I le creepe vp into the chimney Mis Ford. There they alwayes vse to discharge their Birding-peece creepe into the Kill hole Fal. Where is it Mis Ford. Hee will seeke there on my word Neyther Presse Coffer Chest Trunke Well Vault but hee hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places and goes to them by his Note There is no hiding you in the house Fal. I le goe out then Mist Ford. If you goe out in your owne semblance you die Sir Iohn vnlesse you go out disguis'd Mis Ford. How might we disguise him Mis Page Alas the day I know not there is no womans gowne bigge enough for him otherwise he Might put on a hat a muffler and kerchiefe and so escape Fal. Good hearts diuise something any extremitie rather then a mischiefe Mis Ford. My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford has a gowne aboue Mis Page On my word it will serue him shee 's as big as he is and there 's her thrum'd hat and her muffler too run vp Sir Iohn Mis Ford. Go go sweet Sir Iohn Mistris Page and I will looke some linnen for your head Mis Page Quicke quicke wee 'le come dresse you straight put on the gowne the while Mis Ford. I would my husband would meete him in this shape he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford hee sweares she 's a witch forbad her my house and hath threatned to beate her Mis Page Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards Mis Ford. But is my husband comming Mis Page I in good sadnesse is hee and talkes of the basket too howsoeuer he hath had intelligence Mis Ford. Wee 'l try that for I le appoint my men to carry the basket againe to meete him at the doore with it as they did last time Mist Page Nay but hee 'l be heere presently let goe dresse him like the witch of Brainford Mist Ford. I le first direct my men what they shall doe with the basket Goe vp I le bring linnen for him straight Mist Page Hang him dishonst Varlet We cannot misuse enough Well leaue a proofe by that which we will doe Wiues may be merry and yet honest too We do not acte that often iest and laugh 'T is old but true Still Swine eats all the draugh Mist Ford. Go Sirs take the bas basket againe on your shoulders your Master is hard at doore if he bid you set it downe obey him quickly dispatch 1 Ser. Come come take it vp 2 Ser. Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe 1 Ser. I hope not I had liefe as beare so much lead Ford. I but if it proue true Master Page haue you any way then to vnfoole mee againe Set downe the basket villaine some body call my wife Youth in a basket Oh you Panderly Rascals there 's a knot a gin a packe a conspiracie against mee Now shall the diuel be sham'd-What wise I say Come come forth behold what honest cloathes you send forth to bleaching Page Why this passes Master Ford you are not to goe loose any longer you must be pinnion'd Euanâ— Why this is Lunaticks this is madde as a mad dogge Shal. In deed Master Ford this is not well indeed Ford. So say I too Sir come hither Mistris Ford Mistris Ford the honest woman the modest wife the vertuous creature that hath the iealous foole to her husband I suspect without cause Mistris do I Mist Ford. Heauen be my witnesse you do if you suspect me in any dishonesty Ford. Well said Brazen-face hold it out Come forth sirrah Page This passes Mist Ford. Are you not a sham'd let the cloths alone Ford. I shall finde you anon Euan. 'T is vnreasonable will you take vp your wiues cloathes Come away Ford. Empty the basket I say Mis Ford. Why man why Ford. Master Page as I am a man there was one conuay'd out of my house yesterday in this basket why may not he be there againe in my house I am sure hee is my Intelligence is true my iealousie is reasonable plucke mee out all the linnen Mist Ford. If you find a man there hee shall dye a Fleas death Page Heer 's no man Shal. By my fidelity this is not well Master Ford This wrongs you Euans Master Ford you must pray and not follow the imaginations of your owne heart this is iealousies Ford. Well hee 's not heere I seeke for Page No nor no where else but in your braine Ford. Helpe to search my house this one time if I find not what I seeke shew no colour for my extremity Let me for euer be your Table-sport Let them say of me as iealous as Ford that search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his wiues Lemman Satisfie me once more once more serch with me Mist Ford. What hoa Mistris Page come you and the old woman downe my husband will come into the Chamber Ford. Old woman what old woman 's that M. Ford. Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford Ford A witch a Queane an olde couzening queane Haue I not forbid her my house She comes of errands do's she We are simple men wee doe not know what 's brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune telling She workes by Charmes by Spels by th' Figure and such dawbry as this is beyond our Element wee know nothing Come downe you Witch you Hagge you come downe I say Mis Ford. Nay good sweet husband good Gentlemen let him not strike the old woman Mis Page Come mother Prat Come giue me your hand Ford. I le Prat-her Out of my doore you Witch you Hagge you Baggage you Poulcat you Runnion out out I le coniure you I le fortune tell you Mis Page Are you not a sham'd I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman Mis Ford. Nay hee will do it 't is a goodly credit for you Ford. Hang her witch Euan. By yea and no I thinke the o'man is a witch indeede I like not when a o'mans has a great peard I spie a great peard vnder his muffler Ford. Will you follow Gentlemen I beseech you follow see but the issue of my iealousie If I cry out thus vpon no traile neuer trust me when I open
againe Page Let 's obey his humour a little further Come Gentlemen Mis Page Trust me he beate him most pittifully Mis Ford. Nay by th' Masse that he did not he beate him most vnpittifully me thought Mis Page I le haue the cudgell hallow'd and hung ore the Altar it hath done meritorious seruice Mis Ford. What thinke you May wee with the warrant of woman-hood and the witnesse of a good conscience pursue him with any further reuenge Mist Page The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out of him if the diuell haue him not in fee-simple with find recouery he will neuer I thinke in the way of waste attempt vs againe Mist Ford. Shall wee tell our husbands how wee haue seru'd him Mist Page Yes by all meanes if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husbands braines if they can find in their hearts the poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be any further afflicted wee two will bee still the ministers Mist Ford. I le warrant they 'l haue him publiquely sham'd and me thinkes there would be no period to iest should he not be publikely sham'd Mist Page Come to the Forge with it then shape it I would not haue things coole Exeunt Scoena Tertia Enter Host and Bardolfe Bar. Sir the Germane desires to haue three of your horses the Duke himselfe will be to morrow at Court and they are going to meet him Host What Duke should that be comes so secretly I heare not of him in the Court let me speake with the Gentlemen they speake English Bar. I Sir I le call him to you Host They shall haue my horses but I le make them pay I le sauce them they haue had my houses a weeke at commaund I haue turn'd away my other guests they must come off I le sawce them come Exeunt Scoena Quarta Enter Page Ford Mistris Page Mistris Ford and Euans Euan. 'T is one of the best discretions of a o'mans as euer I did looke vpon Page And did he send you both these Letters at an instant Mist Page Within a quarter of an houre Ford. Pardon me wife henceforth doe what thou wilt I rather will suspect the Sunne with gold Then thee with wantonnes Now doth thy honor stand In him that was of late an Heretike As firme as faith Page 'T is well 't is well no more Be not as extreme in submission as in offence But let our plot go forward Let our wiues Yet once againe to make vs publike sport Appoint a meeting with this old fat-fellow Where we may take him and disgrace him for it Ford. There is no better way then that they spoke of Page How to send him word they 'll meete him in the Parke at midnight Fie fie he 'll neuer come Euans You say he has bin throwne in the Riuers and has bin greeuously peaten as an old o'man me-thinkes there should be terror in him that hee should not come Me-thinkes his flesh is punish'd hee shall haue no desires Page So thinke I too M. Ford. Deuise but how you 'l vse him when he comes And let vs two deuise to bring him thither Mis. Page There is an old tale goes that Herne the Hunter sometime a keeper heere in Windsor Forrest Doth all the winter time at still midnight Walke round about an Oake with great rag'd hornes And there he blasts the tree and takes the cattle And make milch-kine yeeld blood and shakes a chaine In a most hideous and dredfull manner You haue heard of such a Spirit and well you know The superstitious idle-headed-Eld Receiu'd and did deliuer to our age This tale of Herne the Hunter for a truth Page Why yet there want not many that do feare In deepe of night to walke by this Hernes Oake But what of this Mist Ford. Marry this is our deuise That Falstaffe at that Oake shall meete with vs. Page Well let it not be doubted but he 'll come And in this shape when you haue brought him thether What shall be done with him What is your plot Mis Page That likewise haue we thoght vpon and thus Nan Page my daughter and my little sonne And three or foure more of their growth wee 'l dresse Like Vrchins Ouphes and Fairies greene and white With rounds of waxen Tapers on their heads And rattles in their hands vpon a sodaine As Falstaffe and I are newly met Let them from forth a saw pitrush at once With some diffused song Vpon their sight We two in great amazednesse will flye Then let them all encircle him about And Fairy-like to pinch the vncleane Knight And aske him why that houre of Fairy Reuell In their so sacred pathes he dares to tread In shape prophane Ford. And till he tell the truth Let the supposed Fairies pinch him sound And burne him with their Tapers Mis Page The truth being knowne We 'll all present our selues dis-horne the spirit And mocke him home to Windsor Ford. The children must Be practis'd well to this or they 'll neu'r doo 't Euan. I will teach the children their behauiours I will be like a Iacke-an-Apes also to burne the Knight with my Taber Ford. That will be excellent I le go buy them vizards Mis Page My Nan shall be the Queene of all the Fairies finely attired in a robe of white Page That silke will I go buy and in that time Shall M. Slender steale my Nan away And marry her at Eaton go send to Falstaffe straight Ford. Nay I le to him againe in the name of Broome Hee 'l tell me all his purpose sure hee 'l come Mist Page Feare not you that Go get vs properties And tricking for our Fayries Euans Let vs about it It is admirable pleasures and ferry honest knaueries Mis Page Go Mis Ford Send quickly to Sir Iohn to know his minde I le to the Doctor he hath my good will And none but he to marry with Nan Page That Slender though well landed is an Ideot And he my husband best of all affects The Doctor is well monied and friends Potent at Court he none but he shall haue her Though twenty thousand worthier come to craue her Scoena Quarta Enter Host Simple Falstaffe Bardolfe Euans Cains Quickly Host. What wouldst thou haue Boore what thick skin speake breathe discusse breefe short quicke nap Simp. Marry Sir I come to speake with Sir Iohn Falstaffe from Master Slender Host There 's his Chamber his House his Castle his standing bed and truckle-bed 't is painted about with the story of the Prodigall fresh and new goe knocke and call hee 'l speake like an Anthropophaginian vnto thee Knocke I say Simp. There 's an olde woman a fat woman gone vp into his chamber I le be so bold as stay Sir till she come down I come to speake with her indeed Host Ha A fat woman The Knight may be robb'd I le call bully-Bully-Knight Bully Sir Iohn speake from thy Lungs Military Art thou there It is thine Host thine
Ephesian cals Fal. How now mine Host Host Here 's a Bohemian-Tartar taries the comming downe of thy fat-woman Let her descend Bully let her descend my Chambers are honourable Fie priuacy Fie Fal. There was mine Host an old-fat-woman euen now with me but she 's gone Simp. Pray you Sir was 't not the Wise-woman of Brainford Fal. I marry was it Mussel-shell what would you with her Simp. My Master Sir my master Slender sent to her seeing her go thorough the streets to know Sir whether one Nim Sir that beguil'd him of a chaine had the chaine or no Fal. I spake with the old woman about it Sim. And what sayes she I pray Sir Fal. Marry shee sayes that the very same man that beguil'd Master Slender of his Chaine cozon'd him of it Simp. I would I could haue spoken with the Woman her selfe I had other things to haue spoken with her too from him Fal. What are they let vs know Host I come quicke Fal. I may not conceale them Sir Host Conceale them or thou di'st Sim. Why sir they were nothing but about Mistris Anne Page to know if it were my Master fortune to haue her or no. Fal. 'T is 't is his fortune Sim. What Sir Fal. To haue her or no goe say the woman told me so Simple May I be bold to say so Sir Fal. I Sir like who more bold Simp. I thanke your worship I shall make my Master glad with these tydings Host Thou are clearkly thou art clearkly Sir Iohn was there a wise woman with thee Fal. I that there was mine Host one that hath taught me more wit then euer I learn'd before in my life and I paid nothing for it neither but was paid for my learning Bar. Out alas Sir cozonage meere cozonage Host Where be my horses speake well of them varletto Bar. Run away with the cozoners for so soone as I came beyond Eaton they threw mee off from behinde one of them in a slough of myre and set spurres and away like three Germane-diuels three Doctor Faustaffes Host They are gone but to meete the Duke villaine doe not say they be fled Germanes are honest men Euans Where is mine Host Host What is the matter Sir Euan Haue a care of your entertainments there is a friend of mine come to Towne tels mee there is three Cozen-Iermans that has cozened all the Hosts of Readius of Maidenhead of Cole-brooke of horses and money I tell you for good will looke you you are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks and 't is not conuenient you should be cozoned Fare you well Cai. Ver'is mine Host de Iarteere Host Here Master Doctor in perplexitie and doubtfull delemma Cai. I cannot tell vat is dat but it is tell-a-me dat you make grand preparation for a Duke de Iamanie by my trot der is no Duke that the Court is know to come I tell you for good will adieu Host Huy and cry villaine goe assist me Knight I am vndone fly run huy and cry villaine I am vndone Fal. I would all the world might bee cozond for I haue beene cozond and beaten too if it should come to the eare of the Court how I haue beene transformed and how my transformation hath beene washd and cudgeld they would melt mee out of my fat drop by drop and liquor Fishermens-boots with mee I warrant they would whip mee with their fine wits till I were as crest-falne as a dride-peare I neur prosper'd since I forswore my selfe at Primero well if my winde were but long enough I would repent Now Whence come you Qui. From the two parties forsooth Fal. â—â—e Diuell take one partie and his Dam the other and so they shall bee both bestowed I haue suffer'd more for their sakes more then the villanous inconstancy of mans disposition is able to beare Qui. And haue not they suffer'd Yes I warrant speciously one of them Mistris Ford good heart is beaten blacke and blew that you cannot see a white spot about her Fal. What tell'st thou mee of blacke and blew I was beaten my selfe into all the colours of the Rainebow and I was like to be apprehended for the Witch of Braineford but that my admirable dexteritie of wit my counterfeiting the action of an old woman deliuer'd mee the knaue Constable had set meith ' Stocks i th' common Stocks for a Witch Qui. Sir let me speake with you in your Chamber you shall heare how things goe and I warrant to your content here is a Letter will say somewhat good-hearts what a-doe here is to bring you together Sure one of you do's not serue heauen well that you are so cross'd Fal. Come vp into my Chamber Exeunt Scoena Sexta Enter Fenton Host Host Master Fenton talke not to me my minde is heauy I will giue ouer all Fen. Yet heare me speake assist me in my purpose And as I am a gentleman I le giue thee A hundred pound in gold more then your losse Host I will heare you Master Fenton and I will at the least keepe your counsell Fen. From time to time I haue acquainted you With the deare loue I beare to faire Anne Page Who mutually hath answer'd my affection So farre forth as her selfe might be her chooser Euen to my wish I haue a letter from her Of such contents as you will wonder at The mirth whereof so larded with my matter That neither singly can be manifested Without the shew of both fat Falstaffe Hath a great Scene the image of the iest I le show you here at large harke good mine Host To night at Hernes-Oke iust 'twixt twelue and one Must my sweet Nun present the Fairie Queene The purpose why is here in which disguise While other lests are something ranke on foote Her father hath commanded her to slip Away with Slender and with him at Eaton Immediately to Marry She hatst consented Now Sir Her Mother euen strong against that match And firme for Doctor Caius hath appointed That he shall likewise shuffle her away While other sports are tasking of their mindes And at the Deanry where a Priest attends Strait marry her to this her Mothers plot She seemingly obedient likewise hath Made promise to the Doctor Now thus it rests Her Father meanes she shall be all in white And in that habit when Slender sees his time To take her by the hand and bid her goe She shall go with him her Mother hath intended The better to deuote her to the Doctor For they must all be mask'd and vizarded That quaint in greene she shall be loose en-roab'd With Ribonds pendant flaring'bout her head And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe To pinch her by the hand and on that token The maid hath giuen consent to go with him Host Which meanes she to deceiue Father or Mother Fen. Both my good Host to go along with me And heere it rests that you 'l procure the Vicar To stay for me at Church 'twixt twelue and
you scowre With iuyce of Balme and euery precious flower Each faire Instalment Coate and seu'rall Crest With loyall Blazon euermore be blest And Nightly-meadow-Fairies looke you sing Like to the Garters-Compasse in a ring Th'expressure that it beares Greene let it be Mote fertile-fresh then all the Field to see And Hony Soit Qui Mal-y-Pence write In Emrold ruffes Flowres purple blew and white Like Saphire-pearle and rich embroidery Buckled below faire Knight-hoods bending knee Fairies vse Flowres for their characterie Away disperse But till 't is one a clocke Our Dance of Custome round about the Oke Of Herne the Hunter let vs not forget Eu. Pray you locke hand in hand your selues in order set And twenty glo-wormes shall our Lanthornes bee To guide our Measure round about the Tree But stay I smell a man of middle earth Fal. Heauens defend me from that Welsh Fairy Lest he transforme me to a peece of Cheese Pistoll Vilde worme thou wast ore-look'd euen in thy birth Qui. With Triall-fire touch me his finger end If he be chaste the flame will backe descend And turne him to no paine but if he start It is the flesh of a corrupted hart Pist A triall come Euan. Come will this wood take fire Fal. Oh oh oh Qui. Corrupt corrupt and tainted in desire About him Fairies sing a scornfull rime And as you trip still pinch him to your time The Song Fie on sinnefull phantasie Fie on Lust and Luxirie Lust is but a bloudy fire kindled with vnchaste desire Fed in heart whose flames aspire As thoughts do blow them higher and higher Pinch him Fairies mutuall Pinch him for his villanie Pinch him and burne him and turne him about Till Candles and Star-light and Moone-shine be out Page Nay doe not flye I thinke wee haue watcht you now Will none but Hern◠the Hunter serue your turne M. Page I pray you come hold vp the iest no higher Now good Sir Iohn how like you Windsor wiues See you these husband Do not these faire yoakes Become the Forrest better then the Towne Ford. Now Sir who 's a Cuckold now Master Broome Falstaffes a Knaue a Cuckoldy knaue Heere are his hornes Master Broome And Master Broome he hath enioyed nothing of Fords but his Buck-basket his cudgell and twenty pounds of money which must be paid to Master Broome his horses are arrested for it Master Broome M. Ford. Sir Iohn wee haue had ill lucke wee could neuer meete I will neuer take you for my Loue againe but I will alwayes count you my Deere Fal. I doe begin to perceiue that I am made an Asse Ford. I and an Oxe too both the proofes are extant Fal. And these are not Fairies I was three or foure times in the thought they were not Fairies and yet the guiltinesse of my minde the sodaine surprize of my powers droue the grossenesse of the foppery into a receiu'd beleefe in despight of the teeth of all rime and reason that they were Fairies See now how wit may bee made a Iacke-a-Lent when 't is vpon ill imployment Euans Sir Iohn Falstaffe serue Got and leaue your desires and Fairies will not pinse you Ford. Well said Fairy Hugh Euans And leaue you your iealouzies too I pray you Ford. I will neuer mistrust my wife againe till thou art able to woo her in good English Fal. Haue I laid my braine in the Sun and dri'de it that it wants matter to preuent so grosse ore-reaching as this Am I ridden with a Welch Goate too Shall I haue a Coxcombe of Frize T is time I were choak'd with a peece of toasted Cheese Euan. Seese is not good to giue putter your belly is all putter Fal. Seese and Putter Haue I liu'd to stand at the taunt of one that makes Fritters of English This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the Realme Mis Page Why Sir Iohn doe you thinke though wee would haue thrust vertue out of our hearts by the head and shoulders and haue giuen our selues without scruple to hell that euer the deuill could haue made you our delight Ford. What a hodge-pudding A bag of flax Mis Page A puftman Page Old cold wither'd and of intollerable entrailes Ford. And one that is slanderous as Sathan Page And as poore as Iob Ford. And as wicked as his wife Euan. And giuen to Fornications and to Tauernes and Sacke and Wine and Metheglins and to drinkings and swearings and starings Pribles and prables Fal. Well I am your Theame you haue the start of me I am deiected I am not able to answer the Welch Flannell Ignorance it selfe is plummet ore me vse mee as you will Ford. Marry Sir wee 'l bring you to Windsor to one Master Broome that you haue cozon'd of money to whom you should haue bin a Pander ouer and aboue that you haue suffer'd I thinke to repay that money will be a biting affliction Page Yet be cheerefull Knight thou shalt eat a posset to night at my house where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife that now laughes at thee Tell her Master Slender hath married her daughter Mis Ford Doctors doubt that If Anne Page be my daughter she is by this Doctour Caius wife Slen. Whoa hoe hoe Father Page Page Sonne How now Sonne Haue you dispatch'd Slen. Dispatch'd I le make the best in'Glostershire know on 't would I were hang'd la else Page Of what sonne Slen. I came yonder at Eaton to marry Mistris Anne Page and she 's a great lubberly boy If it had not beene i' th Church I would haue swing'd him or hee should haue swing'd me If I did not thinke it had beene Anne Page would I might neuer stirre and 't is a Post-masters Boy Page Vpon my life then you tooke the wrong Slen. What neede you tell me that I thinke so when I tooke a Boy for a Girle If I had beene maried to him for all hee was in womans apparrell I would not haue had him Page Why this is your owne folly Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter By her garments Slen. I went to her in greene and cried Mum and she cride budget as Anne and I had appointed and yet it was not Anne but a Post-masters boy M. Page Good George be not angry I knew of your purpose turn'd my daughter in white and indeede shee is now with the Doctor at the Denerie and there married Cai. Ver is Mistris Page by gar I am cozoned I ha married oon Garsoon a boy oon pesant by gar A boy it is not An Page by gar I am cozened Mis Page Why did you take her in white Cai. I bee gar and 't is a boy be gar I le raise all Windsor Ford. This is strange Who hath got the right Anne Page My heart misgiues me here comes Master Fenton How now Master Fenton Anne Pardon good father good my mother pardon Page Now Mistris How chance you went not with Master Slender Mis Page Why went you not with Master Doctor maid Fen. You do amaze her heare the truth of it You would haue married her most shamefully Where there was no proportion held in loue The truth is she and I long since contracted Are now so sure that nothing can dissolue vs Th' offence is holy that she hath committed And this deceit looses the name of craft Of disobedience or vnduteous title Since therein she doth euitate and shun A thousand irreligious cursed houres Which forced marriage would haue brought vpon her Ford. Stand not amaz'd here is no remedie In Loue the heauens themselues do guide the state Money buyes Lands and wiues are sold by fate Fal. I am glad though you haue tane a special stand to strike 〈◊〉 that your Arrow hath glanc'd Page Well what remedy Fenton heauen giue thee ioy What cannot bee eschew'd must be embrac'd Fal. When night-dogges run all sorts of Deere are chac'd Mis Page Well I will muse no further Master Fenton Heauen giue you many many merry dayes Good husband let vs euery one go home And laugh this sport ore by a Countrie fire Sir Iohn and all Ford. Let it be so Sir Iohn To Master Broome you yet shall hold your word For he to night shall lye with Mistris Ford. Exeunt FINIS