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A36717 The husband his own cuckold a comedy, as it is acted at the Theater in Little Lincolns-Inn-Fields, by His Majesty's servants / written by Mr. John Dryden ... Dryden, John, 1631-1700.; Congreve, William, 1670-1729.; Dryden, John, 1631-1700. 1696 (1696) Wing D2403; ESTC R3993 52,780 69

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Estate is too little for such a Wife L. Cros. You 'l ruine your self with Doctors Fees O Sir John Si●… John Sir John Ay ay my Dear I 'le look all over the Town but 〈◊〉 find him out and send him to you immediately 〈◊〉 have patience a little and 〈◊〉 send him to you Exit L. Cros. What Grace must I see this Devil of a Doctor agen after all my 〈◊〉 I shall tear his Eyes out of his Head if ever I light on him and revenge the Wrong he has done to my Face on hi●… Grace And so I would Madam and repay it with Usury L. Cross. And so I will Grace therefore I charge you get a 〈◊〉 of my Foot-men ready with stout Oaken Plants But he 'l never be so bold to approach me sure not even to come near the House Grace It may be he has forgot what he has done in his mad fit and may come 〈◊〉 if he does let me alone to prepare a substantial Bastinading for him L. Cros. O I am so afraid of Visitants Give Orders to all the House that I 'le see no body I 'le see no body this half Year O this Face that has Captivated so many is ruin'd it self Exeunt Enter Mrs. Lurch and her 〈◊〉 Mrs. Lurch So Betty now we have caus'd the great Ches●… to be brought from the other Room into this and got the 〈◊〉 of Ropes ready let Mr. Feewell come when he will I am prepar'd to receive him without fear of being discover'd by my Husband This Plot is so well laid it cannot but take When Husbands grow Jealous they only put us to the trouble of being so much the more Ingenious and working the Web of our Designs finer How long is it Betty since my Husband has been gone to the Burial Betty About half an Hour Madam Mrs. Lurch Is 't possible 't is no more O what a sweet half Hour of Love's lost by Feewell's not making more haste to take his share of it Betty 'T is scarcely yet the Hour you appointed him Mrs. Lurch When will that dear Hour come Betty Immediately Madam have but patience Mrs. Lurch O 't will never come 'till he comes Betty Then 't is already come for here he is Enter Feewell 〈◊〉 Am I not 〈◊〉 daring Lover in venturing to mount that breach a second time where I lately ' scap'd a scowring so narrowly Mrs. Lurch And to appear a Confess'd Man whereas before you were glad to 〈◊〉 off in the opprobrious Shape of a Woman 〈◊〉 Love Child can do all things Almighty Love that Trans●… the Gods into Birds and Beasts and all other sort of Living Creatures Mrs. Lurch Transform'd your Worship into a Chambermaid If I 〈◊〉 not there is another God call'd Fear altogether as Powerful which work'd this last wonder and diminish'd you from the stronger Sex to the weaker 〈◊〉 Fear that thy Husband should have discover'd thee no other But whatsoever Fear diminish'd in me then Love has restor'd me now I can tell thee and 〈◊〉 thou hast any doubts left concerning my Sex I am come on purpose to clear ' um Mrs. Lurch You had as good let the Trial alone I shall make a Woman of you the second time for my Mind misgives me terribly and I know not why that my Husband will return upon us unexpectedly as he did before and if he should you 'l be changing Sexes again But for your Comfort I have taken Compassion on you this time and found out a securer Retreat than you made use of before I have prepared a Ladder of Ropes not a Rope and a Ladder for you by which if my Husband should surprize us you may easily escape out of my Bed-Chamber Window into the Garden and then let your self out thro' a back door into the Street As for that Chest you see there 't is a Trap for my Husband if he should 〈◊〉 untimely to disturb us Feew. Prithee tell me no more I know too much already and would not think my self secure in my Enjoyment It 's difficulty and danger make an 〈◊〉 pleasant Lurch knocks at the door softly Betty Madam some body knocks at the door Mrs. Lurch Bless me Who can it be My Husband would have knock'd louder and with more Authority go to the door softly and listen a little How I tremble all over Betty goes to the door Lurch from without in a Woman's Voice Lurch Will my Lady buy any Ribbands or Gloves to day Betty Madam we are undone on my Life it is my Master who feigns a Woman's Voice it must be so for I am sure I have turn'd away the Ribband Woman once to day already I am certain 't is a feign'd Voice 〈◊〉 Then I suppose I must in good Manners betake my self to the Ladder of Ropes and scamper Mrs. 〈◊〉 You must so and that without delay there 's no help for 't but if the Plot I have laid succeeds I 'le not be long from you Feew. That 's all my Comfort what Noses these Husbands have got this is the second time this old Bowman has smelt me out Mrs. Lurch 〈◊〉 Feew. What so coldly must we part By Heavens I must have the pleasure of ravishing a Kiss or two now thy 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 veng'd on him O I could dwell here for ever Mrs. Lurch Go get you gone till you can Kiss 〈◊〉 Betty 〈◊〉 him quickly to escape and leave me to manage this Ribband Woman Feewell and Betty go into the 〈◊〉 Chamber Lurch knocks again Mrs. Lurch Who 's there Lurch 〈◊〉 a Woman's Voice 'T is your 〈◊〉 Glove-woman I have the finest scented Gloves and new fashion'd Ribbands no Man in Europe has finer Mrs. Lurch So 〈◊〉 has discover'd himself 't is he now I must play him 〈◊〉 trick She speaks that her Husband may over-hear her Betty why don't you make more haste the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 lock the Chest upon him quickly quickly To her 〈◊〉 I have no need of 〈◊〉 Gloves or Ribbands at present 〈◊〉 I am 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 here another day At the door Re-Enter Betty Betty Madam all 's safe you may open the door to your Husband 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 please the Bird 's flown Mrs. Lurch That 's well but we must endeavour to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Lurch 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Who 's 〈◊〉 knocks so loud and impertinently Lurch in his own Voice 'T is I my Dear I want something in your Chamber let me in quickly Mrs. Lurch Betty open the door to your Master 〈◊〉 opens the door and Lurch rushes 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 it she 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Lurch What do's you Conscience misgive you 〈◊〉 that you dare not look a Blunderbus in the Face John 〈◊〉 Thieves Thieves Calls out Enter John and Thomas John Where Sir where Lurch Hid in the House 〈◊〉 every Corner and under the Bed carefully I charge you Exeunt I heard her say lock him in the Chest quickly he must be in that Chest there The Chest shall be my Throne Gets on the Chest. Where
Fit for that fin●… Doctor who is so Famous for Curing the Ladies of their Vapours Oh oh I am ready to fall I am so faint quickly Sir John quickly Sir John Have a little patience my Dear 'till I go to the door and give orders Who 's without there d' ye hear Goes to the door Enter a Servant Run immediately and fetch your Lady's Doctor hither desire him to come with all possible speed L. Cros. O fie Sir John how you give a Message to a Doctor of such a Repute I find I must word it my self tho' I am so very faint D' you hear Fellow run quickly to the Gentleman your Master has mention'd and present Sir John's humble service to him and besure you remember to give mine in particular This Fellow 's such a Sot he 'll never remember half the Message And do you hear let the worthy Doctor know I have had a most violent Fit of the Vapours Exit Servant O ●…ie Sir John what Servants you keep what a beastly leg the Fellow has made and dirty'd all the boards of my Room Sir John My Dear you take no notice of my Neighbour Lur●… here Lady Cros. O Mr. Lur●…h I protest I never saw you all this while I am utterly ashamed of my self for being so unmannerly pray Mr. Lurch how does the good young Woman do Lurch Whom does your Ladyship mean if I may be so bold L. Cros. I mean the good young Woman your Wife Lurch I left her at home very well at your Ladyship's service under Lock and Key Aside L. Cros. I need not ask you how you like a married Life you are but in Hony-Moon yet Lurch aside If there be a hony-Month in Marriage I should be glad to find it but I 'll swear I have felt nothing but the Sting without one drop of the Hony hitherto Sir John My Neighbour is but a meer Bridegroom yet my Dear by that time he has been as long Marry'd as you and I have been he 'll be able to give a good account of it What say you Neighhour to ten years of Matrimony Lurch Why I say Sir John that in half that time Matrimony wou'd give a better account of me L. Cros. I protest Mr. Lurch I forgot to ask you one Question is your Wife never troubled with Vapours Lurch O yes of all sorts Madam I am sure she Hectors and Vapours me sufficiently Aside L. Cros. 'T is a sign she is well born for Vapours are more frequent among Persons of Quality than those of mean Condition I believe I have the ablest Physician in all Christendom for removing of them Sir John Pray Neighbour let me recommend my Wife's Doctor to you I 'll send him to visit your Spouse to morrow or next day or when you will Lurch No Sir John I am in no haste I thank you my Wife is in no such want of a Doctor yet as yours L. Cros. You need not fear our sending the Doctor to you Neighbour he 's not so easily sent he 's not a Person who runs after Patients on my word the whole Town runs after him But what 's the reason Neighbour you did not bring your Wife along with you I warrant you have left her at home all alone sie you do very ill Neighbour 't is enough to make a young Woman grow melancholy and despair you ought to take her abroad and air her sometimes Sir John Come Neighbour I know my Spouse will be glad of some Company to pass away her indisposition come I won't be deny'd you must step home now immediately and bring your Wife to us 't is a deed of Charity But d' you hear Neighbour do not forget in returning to come along with her Lurch You might have omitted your last Commands for here 's a a swindging black Doctor to be here who looks like a Bird of Prey Exit Sir John aside So I have taken a very good pretence to send him for his Wife the impertinencies of this Doctor whom I expect every minute will make the jealous Rogue ●…ass like a vext Wasp Lady Cros. O 〈◊〉 Sir John why wou'd you send for Company I can't endure to receive Visits when I have got the Vapours I am so indisposed at present I am fit only to be seen by a Physician Sir John I thought 't was your desire my Dear I did it to procure you some Company to pass away time and divert Melancholy but you always pervert my good Intentions Lady Cros. I 'de rather you 'd procure me a Physician Oh oh I 'm so faint again all o' th' sudden your Arm quickly Grace your Arm. Enter Dr. Lorman Grace Courage Madam here comes the Doctor The Doctor sets his Wig in order then advances Dr. Lorm. Sir John after having profess'd the more than ordinary Concern I had when just now I was Informed by one of your Attendants of the most unwelcome News of your very Honoured Lady's Indisposition I ought to make a just Apology for my appearance in this negligent and too familiar Habit But I have been so pursu'd and persecuted by several Persons of Honour at home for this whole Morning that as I am a Professor of Physick I have not had a Minutes leisure to compose and put my self into a decent posture in order to visit and attend those Patients for whom I reserve so much esteem and respect as I really do for your self and much honour'd good Lady While the Doctor and Sir John Talk and Bow together Lady Cros. aside to Grace What do you think Graee is he not a Comely Proper Well-set Black Man He 's absolutely the ablest Physician in all Europe Dr. Lorm. Worthy 〈◊〉 you confound me with your Goodness But that I may not neglect the great end for which I came hither I must beg your permission to approach your Fair Lady and take the Moments of her Pulse Sir John What a flourishing Coxcomb's this A Patient might expire in the while he 's making a Compliment of Entrance or setting his Wig in order Lady Cros. O welcome Doctor I have been dying for you absolutely dying for you I have had such a terrible 〈◊〉 of the Vapours but the very sight of you has half Cur'd me already Dr. Lorm. Why that is not altogether impossible Madam for I have had several Patients who have protested to me that they have discover'd I know not how to express my self a Jenescay quoyness in my Physiognomy that my very first appearance I will not say has absolutely Cur'd them but has given them a present ease from the Distemper under which they then labour'd Lady Cros. Good Doctor feel my Pulse quickly how does it beat am I a Woman of this World or no Feels her Pulse Sir John aside 'T is a brawny Aesculapius he 's able to beget a whole College of Physicians Dr. Lorm. Madam you have a very uneven disorder'd Pulse it beats an allarm But I shall order you a Tizan to rectifie it