before I had any thing to do with her Sir Tho. Oh horrid she 's Common however I will have my penny worths out of you Lord Dr. Murder murder George Peter Thomas Rogues come help me Enter Lord Drybone 's men 〈…〉 Footm. My Lord assaulted Sir Tho. Murder murder Andrew Nicholas Will Rogues come help me Enter Ramble and Merry fighting with Sir Tho. 's men Ramb. Sir Thomas calls out murder Sir Th. Foot My Master thereabouts Sir Tho. 's men run away from Ramble and fall on Lord Drybone Lord Dr. Ho the Watch a Constable a Constable Lord Drybone runs in calling Constable whilst all the rest fight helter skelter Enter Constable and Watch. Const Knock 'em down knock 'em down The Watch knock the Servants down Seize that man and that man and bring 'em before me Watch seizes Sir Tho. and Ramble Who are you what are you come before me Sir Thomas Rash and Squire Ramble I know you both What 's the meaning of this Gentlemen a man of your worship Sir Thomas to be a fighting in the Streets o' this time o' night fie upon it and Squire you use to be more civil Ramb. Sir Thomas I am glad to see you so well I hope you have got no hurt who was it quarrell'd with you Sir Tho. Oh fine fellow he has got his Cloaths on already to put a cheat upon me and the better to promote it pretends he knows nothing of the quarrel No Sir no I have got no hurt Ramb. I am glad of it with all my heart Sir Tho. To make a whore of my daughter is no hurt to me aside Ramb. I was very fortunate to pass by Sir Tho. And so was I to discover this Roguery aside Const This is like Gentlemen now I commend you Come Gentlemen you are both my Friends I will convey you safe home with my Fleet of Lanthorns and let 's be merry as we go the man in the Moon and I are Dukes of Midnight give a spill to my Watch and my Grace shall drink your health in Claret Sir Tho. Less of your wit and more of your office Mr. Constable I will have Revenge though I put my daughter in Bridewell seize that Gentleman Mr. Constable Ramb. Me Sir for what you are in some mistake I came to your assistance Sir Tho. Seize him I say Ramb. What 's the meaning of this Sir Tho. You shall know the meaning presently Const Come come Gentlemen pray let us make you Friends Ramb. Sir there was never any enmity betwixt us there is no man in the world that I am more Servant to then Sir Thomas Rash Sir Tho. Yes Sir I know what service you do me and you shall have your wages seize us both I say and carry us before the next Justice of Peace Const I am sorry for this I'faith Gentlemen Ramb. Sir Thomas there need be no seizing I 'le wait upon you Mr. Constable if you please you may let me walk at liberty I will engage my Honour to you I will wait on Sir Thomas Rash wherever he pleases to command me Sir Tho. No thanks to you Sir I 'le make you do it I 'le try if there be Law against such lewd doings as these are bring him along here walks before in hast Const What have you done Squire to Sir Thomas he is a hasty cholerick man Ramb. I have only hindred him from having his throat cut if he be angry at that I cannot help it Mer. What Devil brought this old Fellow hit her and what ayls him A noise within of drunken Eullies who enter with their Swords drawn roaring Om. Eul. Hay hay scour scour 1 Bul. An honest Gentleman going to prison Om. Bul. Rogues Rogues The Bullies fight and beat the Watch all go off scuffling and roaring ACT. III. SCENE The Street Enter Ramble Ramb. I Am beholden to the honest drunken Bullies that procur'd my liberty from these Night-Corsairs and Algerines call'd the Watch that Pickaroon up and down in the Streets and will not let an honest Christian Vessel laden with Burgundy sail by but I was little beholden to Fortune to stand in need of their help I do not like the adventure with this cholerick old Father-in-law of mine a Pox of the formal Coxcombs for me that invented the Rules of Manners and Civility and Foolery I must endure the humours of this old fellow only because he club'd to the Production of the fair Christina as if a man were bound in civility to stand under the droppings of a Conduit all days on 's life because once at a Coronation it ran Claret and he was drunk with it Enter Merry and Isabella vizarded Mer. Sir Sir I have the most glorious news for you Ramb. Ha! quick quick thou fir'st me what is it Mer. A most delicate young Lady wife to a person of very great Quality has been sick for you these six months and her Husband happening this night to be out of Town she has sent her woman for you Isab O why did you say so Sir I told you I stole out o' my own head out of pity to her she knows nothing of it Ramb. No no she knows nothing of it to my knowledge Isab I know when I bring him she will kill me but I had rather she should kill me then Love should kill her Ramb. I will save both your lives dear creature lead me quickly to her before her disease grows desperate Isab Well Sir you must send your man away nor must you know whither you go dear what am I going to do Ramb. Come along sweet Rogue Merry to your own affairs Exit Ramble Isabella Mer. I have a cursed itch to be following 'em and see whither they go they are gotten into Chairs and the Rogues are in their Trot Now they have turn'd the corner Let 'em go I 'le to my own honest conscientious Matrimonial affairs Exit Enter two Chairs The Scene a Room The Chairs are set down and Ramble and Isabella vizarded come out of them Isab I have brought you thus far Sir but Heaven knows how to lead you any further my wit is here at an end I dare not for my life introduce you Cannot you pretend some mistake or other Ramb. A thousand a thousand I will pretend some Mistress of mine had newly chang'd her Lodging and I mistook this for it Isab That will be excellent I see you want no wit upon these occasions But will you be faithful to my Ladies honour Sir and not trust your Man nor any Friend you have with a secret of such importance Ramb. I will cut out my tongue if I talk of it but in a dream Isab Dear Sir do well stay but a little bit of a minute whilst I run in and see in what humour my Lady is and I will come back and shew her Chamber Exit Isab Ramb. Ten thousand thanks my dear dear Providore Sent for by a young handsome Lady so her Instrument says she is to
am the same Sir Mannerly Shallow on my Honor Sir Por. Sir Mannerly Shallow ha-ha what comes in my Head Laughs I heard my Master and Name-sake Sir Thomas Rash talk of one Sir Mannerly Shallow that is to Marry my young Lady and I warrant this simple Gentleman is he and he hearing my name to be Thomas Rash and calling my self in waggery Sir Thomas he takes me to be my Master ha ha ha Laughs Hark you Master are not you Sir Mannerly Shallow Sir Man I am on my Honor Sir Thomas Por. Ha-ha-ha Laughs Sir Man Ay the same ha-ha-ha Laughs Boob. It is his Worship Laughs They all three laugh and the Porter laughs the more to see them laugh Por. I have laugh'd my Heart sore what a knavish prank could I play now to pass for Sir Thomas Rash and pop my Daughter on this silly Knight well Sir I will not cheat you I am honest Tom Rash a poor Porter and Servant to that very Sir Thomas Rash you want and come along I 'le lead you to him Sir Man Come Father-in-Law this is not gentile now you have owned your self to deny your self again you do it now you see who I am to make me forfeit my Bond but what have I discover'd Let me compare the very same Coat of Arms I swear this was well thought Pulls out a Letter and compares the Seal with the Arms of the Porters Badge on I le take my Oath now if you deny your self I le go to Law with you for I know you by your Arms. Por. This is better and better ha-ha-ha Laughs Sir Man My Father-in-Law I see is a merry Man Laughs Boob Sir Thomas his Worship did but jest ha-ha Laughs Por. Well Iâ—ll own my self to be Sir Thomas Rash carry him to my Cellar and there let my Wife look to him whilst I call my Master Come Son-in-Law I am your Father-in-Law and I am heartily glad to see you I 'll conduct you to my Off-Spring and your Bed-Mate that must be what sport is here Sir Man Did not I say 't was he Exit Porter Boob. What luck was this to find him just as your Bond was forfeited Sir Man Ay and by the Coat of Arms you must know I am very well skill'd in Coats of Arms I can tell all our own Coats and all the Quarterings ever since King Cadwallader Oh but Booby was it not pretty that I should invite my Father-in-law to his own Daughters Wedding Boob. I warrant that made his Worship laugh so heartily Sir Man Well thought on I swear now run to my Cloak-bag and fetch my bag of Money to pay for my Wedding Dinner Exit Boob. I shall an 't like your Worship Exit Enter Ramble and Merry Merry Sir am not I a loving Servant that forsake the Wife of my Bosom now Love has Cook'd and Dish'd her up and leave her piping hot to run after your Appetite Ramb. Thou art an honest fellow Merry but all things consider'd the kindness is as great to thy self as me however I accept it but hast thou hunted out my Rival Merry I saw him here about not a quarter of an hour ago Ramb. What a kind of fellow is he Merry Oh 't is such a Cumberland Piece he is much farther from understanding than his Countrey is from London and has such a living Log follows him as you never saw many a wiser Block has suffer'd Martyrdom for Christmas in his Masters Hall Chimney Ramb. Prethee le ts inquire here about for them by thy description they are so Remarkable every body that has seen 'em will inform us of them Exeunt The SCENE An Apple Shop Enter Rash and his Wife Wife How are you mad Thomas loose such a Fortune for my Daughter Rash What shall I play the knave o'th at fashion Wife Is it knavery to own your Christendom is not your name Rash and were not you Christned Thomas Rash But I was not Christned Sir Thomas was I Wife Well if the Knight will Christen you Sir Thomas what 's that to any one Rash What I shall ha my Master Sir Thomas ha me up coram nobis for Forgery Wife Well let him him coram nobis you as much as he dares there 's no Law against owning ones own name let him take his Silver Badge again and he will we can live without his Chain we shall be as good as he now Rash I tell you I wont do it Wife Won't you then let my Goods rot and they will I 'll ne'r sell penny-worth of Apples or Gingerbread more whilst I live Rash These Women will rule the Roast well I 'll be Sir Thomas then but if I look through a Scotch Casement for this that is to say a Pillory I 'll lodge a Cudgel in your middle Story backward Wife Let them do what they dare they shall find a Mess of hot Codlings o' me I warrant them give me my clean Kercher and my Hat and run quickly an fetch Winny from School Rash There there Don 'em quickly our Son-in-Law comes Enter Sir Mannerly and Booby with a bag of Money under his Arm a Beggar-woman with a Child begging of Sir Mannerly Sir Man Well I never saw such a fine street in my life Beg. Wo. Pray your Worship give a poor Woman something Sir Man Begone Beggar-woman Rash Son-in-law you are heartily welcome see this is your Mother-in-law Wife For want of a better Sir Sir Man Madam your most humble Servant Rash Well Son I 'll run and fetch your Bride she is but two doors off at a Boarding-School where I keep her for good Breeding you wonder to see so many Apples here my Wife and I you must know are great lovers of Apples and we are laying in our Winter Store into our Cellar that 's my Cellar but that great House is my Habitation Sir Man Oh Stately that 's like the Palace of Sol-sublimibus Alta Columnis And Gold on the top too Clara micante Auro Rash I to show I love Apples I have a Golden Apple a Golden Pippin on the top well I 'll leave you with my Wife I 'll be back presently Exit Rash Sir Man Is your Ladyship so great a lover of Apples I shall agree with you then mightily in Diet for I love Apples as well as ever Adam did and here are as many fine Apples as ever I saw in all my life Boob. Curious Apples indeed Wife Pray Son-in-law be pleas'd to eat one there 's a Pippin as good a one as ever Tooth was put in and as sound as my self Boob. A pure Pippin Sir Man Your Ladyships most humble Servant my Lady 's a plain Woman Booby Boob. She seems a very hearty Woman an 't like your Worship Enter Rash and Winnifride Rash See Son here 's your young Yoke-fellow that must into the Noose with you Sir Man A most transcendent Beauty Rash A plain Girl Sir Man Not at all she 's the Epitome of Perfection I am enamour'd above the
capacity of expression I deserve to forfeit a thousand Bonds of a thousand pound for staying the thousandth part of a minute from her Imbraces I will pay the forfeiture of my Bond in Love and Kisses I will number up Beg. Wo. Pray good your Worship Sir Man What a troublesome Woman art thou dost not see I am busy a Complimenting I say I will number up by Art Arithmetical Beg. Wo. Pray your Worship Sir Man Did one ever see the like Boob. Woman do not trouble his Worship Wife Begone or I 'll send for the Beadle Sir Man I say I will number up I will number up this scurvy Beggar-Woman has broke off my Speech that I vow and swear I do not know what I was going to say I had better ha given her a shilling than have lost such a Speech Boob. I could find in my heart Beggar-Woman to kick you for spoiling his Worships Speech no matter your Worship has twenty more as good Rash No matter for Compliments come Son-in-law to Church if you please and there let the Parson complement you both into Man and Wife and that 's the Compliment of Compliments Sir Man With all my heart and may a thousand Cupids hover over every Pue to fill your heart as full of Love as mine is of Love and Admiration Boob. Did you ever hear such pure Compliments Rash Never in all my days As they are going off Enter Ramble and Merry Merry That 's he Ramb. Is that he 't is so ridiculous a fellow I cannot be angry with him Merry Go Sir Manage him whilst I handle Log the Second King of Frogs that follows him Ramble takes Sir Mannerly and Merry Booby aside Ramb. Sir one word with you in private To Sir Man Merry Sir one word with you in private To Booby Sir Man With me Sir Boob. With me forfooth Ramb. Ay Sir it must be very private Merry Ay Sir Ramb. Is not your name Sir Mannerly Shallow Sir Man It is Sir what then Sir Ramb. Are not you come to Town to marry Sir Thomas Rash's Daughter Sir Man I am Sir what then Sir Boob. Four Oxen to run for a Wager Sir do you say Merry From Tweed to Newcastle Ramb. Then you must not have her Sir Sir Man How not have her Sir Ramb. No stirring Sir if you do this runs into your Guts Sir Man Into my Guts Sir Ramb. Ay into your Guts Sir Boob. My Masters Py'd Ox to be one Merry For a wager of Fourscore Load of Hay Sir Man Booby Ramb. No Booby Sir Sir Man No Booby Sir Ram. No Booby Sir Boob. To be eat all with Mustard Merry All with Mustard Boob. An Ox eat Mustard Merry All with Mustard Ramb. I shall be very brief with you I shall propound but two things to you take your choise either to go out immediately and fight me and he of us too that comes alive out of the Field shall have the Lady or else this minute to take Post for Cumberland and not to come up till I am married to her Sir Man To go out and fight with you Sir Ramb. Ay Sir till one of us fall dead or ride Post for Cumberland take your choice Sir Man Ride Post for Cumberland Sir Ramb. Ay Sir chuse instantly or this goes into your Guts Sir Sir Man My Guts Sir Ramb. Ay Sir Sir Man Booby Ramb. No Booby Sir speak quickly what you 'll do Boob. And the Ox that wins to be Knighted Merry To be Knighted Boob. I never heard the like let me tell his Worship Merry Presently when I ha done I have not half done Ramb. Say what you 'll do and that instantly Sir Man Sir I 'll Ramb. What will you do Sir Sir Man Sir I 'll Ramb. Dispatch Sir Sir Man Sir I 'll Sir I will not Sir What ha you to do to make me fight or ride Post either whether I will or no Sir Ramb. No questioning my Authority speak instantly I say instantly Sir Man I never met with such a fellow in my life Ramb. You will not speak Sir Sir Man Sir I 'll Ramb. What Sir Sir Man Sir I 'll ride Post Sir Ramb. Then come along Sir I 'll see you mounted and attend you or one shall for me one forty or fifty miles on the way no looking o'r your Shoulder Sir Wife Mr. Booby Mr. Booby there 's a Gentleman runs away with your Master call a Constable Thomas a Constable come along with me Winny to call a Constable Drags him out Sir Mannerly looks back and offers to speak Ramble stops his mouth Rash Is the Woman mad to make a Hubbub hold your tongue Wife I will not he carries away our Son-in-law by force Ex. Boob. One steal my Master Rash follows her Mrery No stirring Sir Boob. No stirring What you help to steal him do you here Beggar-woman hold my Bag of Money a little and I 'll try a friskin with him thou shalt not come at thy Sword Man Gives the Beggar woman the Bag of Money to hold Merry and Booby fight off the Stage A noise of a Hubbub within and mean while the Beggar-Woman watches her opportunity lays down the Child and runs away with the Money Enter Ramble and Merry Ramb. This is good the Constable and the Rabble have seiz'd our Foes and we the Aggressors have escap'd whilst the two Clowns stick fast in the Mudd of the dirty Crowd Let 's pursue our fortunes overtake Sir Thomas and the company be very impudent and obstinate and see what that will do Merry With all my heart Sir for I do not care for coming within the reach of that heavy fisted fool any more Exeunt Enter Constable Sir Mannerly Booby Rash Wife and Winnifrid Sir Man You have let go the Thieves that would have stolen me and here you hold my Man and me Const Stolen you Sir I found this man in actual Battery Boob. He batter'd me as much Rash Come come Son-in-law never make a bustle on your Wedding-day give the Constable a spill Sir Man There 's a spill but I take my Oath he would have stolen me Const No more words on 't come there go about your business Sir Man Come Madam as the Poet says Per varios casus per tot discrimina rerum Exeunt Sir Man Rash Wife and Win. Boob. I think I plough'd his chops for him an he had cuff'd a little longer I would ha pull'd up his Nose by the Roots but where 's the Beggar-woman with my bag of Money look if she has not laid it in the Street like a baggage a thousand to one but it might have been stolen hey my bag of Money is alive a Bastard a Bastard Takes up the Child stop Thief stop Thief a Beggar-woman has run away with a bag of Money and has left a Bastard in the room stop Thief Thief Lays down the Child and offers to run away Watch-m Mr. Constable Mr. Constable here 's a fellow has lain a Child in the
Sir Man How lost my bag o' Money then be whipt I 'll keep none o' the Bastard Const Then come along Sir Sir Tho. Have pitty on the poor fellow Sir Man No since he would not keep my bag o' Money I won't keep his Bastard Boob. Oh an 't like your Worship be but bound for me I 'll keep it my self I 'll serve it out Sir Man Well then Applewoman since I am Married do you keep my Man Booby's Bastard for nothing that shall be for a Portion with your Daughter Wife I don't care if I do the Child is a fine likely Child Sir Man Well I scorn to be beholden to you I will pay for the keeping of it but Booby I will send you down quickly into the Countrey if you get Bastards thus fast Sir Tho. Mr. Constable discharge the Man I 'll see that the Gentleman his Master perform his word Const Well then o' your word Sir Thomas I release him Sir Man So I have come up to London to a very fine purpose I ha lost my Mistriss lost my Money am Married to an Apple-womans Daughter and must keep a Beggar-womans Bastard whereas I thought to have liv'd in London and never seen the Countrey more I will now do down into the Countrey and spend all my time in rayling against London I will never see London more so much as in a Map I will burn my Map of London that hangs in my Parlour Sir Tho. A very Honest and as the times are Pious and Wholsome Resolution Sir Mannerly better live in the Countrey and burn your Map of London than live in London and spoil your Map of Humanity with Drinking and Wenching Port. I Son-in-Law better go into the Countrey and live lovingly with my Daughter than stay in Town and turn her away and keep a Wench in her stead as Gentry do that Marry and live here Sir Man Why do they Wife Ay the more shame for ' em Sir Man Then I 'm resolv'd I 'll stay in London and Booby you can find Bastards do you find a Wench for me Wife Keep a Wench under my Winny's Nose I 'll tear her Eyes out Sir Tho. I will disswade him well Sir Mannerly I am very sorry for the misfortune you have met with in coming to Town for my Alliance I will cancel the Bond to make you some recompence and since my Daughter is not so happy to injoy you let my House have the Honor to entertain you whither I also invite the rest of this Noble Company my Lady Faddle and her Husband my Lord Drybone and his Settlement and Tom Rash and thy Wife be of our Society now this Noble Alliance has advanc'd thee be a Knight to day and Prince of Porters for ever and thy Wife Lady of Apple-women I will have both your Statues made in Ginger-bread and set up in Costermongers-Hall and Noble Brides and Bridegrooms all walk in And Love apace as fast as you can drive And may the Trade of Love for ever Thrive Exeunt FINIS EPILOGUE Spoken by Sir Mannerly Shallow the Countrey-Wit BRothers I 'm newly come to Town from Cumber-Land to be one of your ingenious Number I am afraid I shall disgrace you all But I 'm resolv'd I will a damning fall Since you have ten ill Plays for one good Play I think to damn 'em all the safest way But I in all things Sirs shall copy you And save or damn as you great Judges do As for the Poet who is try'd to day I know him not and so can little say If all in his Petition here be true He did not write this Play Great Wits for you He says long since you mighty Judges swore That you would never ride this Circuit more That you have ta'ne the Malefactor napping He writ for Wits of London-Bridge and Wapping Who hate to see a Muse in Buskings strut As much as in gilt Coach a gawdy Slut That his defence he 's unprepar'd to make Yet for an Honor does your Presence take 〈…〉 ayes he does it more Renown esteem 〈…〉 by you than to be sav'd by them 〈…〉 for my sake let all his faults be wav'd 〈…〉 not the first damn'd Poet I have sav'd