out myne eye Therfore said the Cobler to Master Skelton I wyll not goe to Warre my wyfe shall goe in my steade for she can fyghte and playe the deuill wyth her distaffe and with stole staffe coppe or candlesticke for vp my fay I cham sicke I chill go home to bed I thinke I shall dye ¶ How Master Skeltons Miller deceyued hym manye times by playinge the theefe and howe he was pardoned by Master Skelton after the stealinge a waye of a Preest oute of his bed at midnight Tale .xiii. WHen Maister Skelton dyd dwell in the countrey hee was a greede with a Miller to haue hys corne grounde tolle free and manye tymes when hys mayden shoulde bake they wanted of their mele and complained to their Mystres that they could not make their â—â—int of breade Mystres Skelton beeynge verye angrye to de her husbande of it Then Master Skelton sent for his Miller and asked hym howe it chansed that hee deceyued hym of his corne I saide Iohn miller nay surely I neuer deceyued you if that you can proue that by mee do with mee as you lyfte surely sayd Skelton if I doe fynde thee false anye more thou shalâ— he hanged vp by the necke So Skelton apoynted one of hys seruantes â—o stand at the mill whyle the corne was a grindyng Iohn myller beyng a notable theese would foâ—n haue deceued him as he had dou before but beyng afrayd of Skeltons seruaunte caused his wyfe to put one of her chyldren into y e Myll dam and to crye help help my childe is drowned with that Iohn Myller and all went out of the Myll Skeltons seruaunte being dilygent to helpe the chylde thought not of the meale and the while the myllers boye was redy wyth a sacke and stole awaye the corne so when they had taken vp the childe and all was safe they came in agayne so the seruaunt hauynge hys gryâ—te went home mistrustyng nothynge and when the maydes came to bake againe as they dyd before so they lacked of theyr meale agayne Master Skelton colde for hys man â–ª and asked him howe it chaunced that he was deceaued hee sayd that hee coulde not tell for I dyd your commaundement And then Master Skelton sent for the Myller and sayde thou hast not vsed mee well for I want of my mele â–ª why what wold you haue me do sayde the miller you haue set your own man to watche mee Well then sayd SkeltoÌ„ if thou doest not tell me whych waye thou hast played the theefe wyth mee thou shalt be hanged I praye you be good master vnto me I wyll tell you the trutthe your seruaunt wold not from my myll when I sawe none other remedye I caused my wyfe to put one of my chyldren in to the water to crie that it was drowned and voâ—les wee were helpyng of the chylde out one of my boyes dyd steale your corne Yea sayde Skelton if thou haue suche pretie fetchis you can dooe more than thys And therfore if thou dooeste not one thynge that I shall tell thee I wyll folow the lawe on thee What is that â–ª sayd the Myller If that thou dooest not steale my cuppe of the table when I am sette at meate thou shalt not eskape my handes O good Master sayd Iohn Miller I pray you forgeue me and let me not dooe thys I am not able to dooe it Thou shalt neuer be forgeuen sayde Skelton withoute thou dooest it When the Miller saw no remedye he went charged one of hys boyes in an euenyng when that SkeltoÌ„ was at supper to sette fyre in one of hys bogges â—â—ies farre froÌ„ any house for doyng any harme And it chaunced that one of Skeltons seruauntes came oute and spied the fire and hee cryede helpe helpe for all that my master hath is lyke to be burnt Hys master heariÌ„g this rose from hys supper with all the coÌ„panie and went to quenche the fyre And the while Iohn Miller came in and stole away hys cuppe went hys way The fire being quickly slaked Skelton cam in with his frendes and reasoned wyth hys frendes which way they thought the fyre shoulde come and euerye maÌ„ made answer as thei thought good And as they wer resonyng Skelton called for a cup of beare and in no wise his cuppe whyche bee vsed to drynke in woulde not be founde Skeleon was verye angrie that his cup was mysynge and asked whiche waye it shoulde bee gone And no manne coulde tell hym of it At last he be thought him of the Miller sayd surely he that theefe hath done this deede and he is worthye to be hauged And hee sent for the Miller so the Miller tolde hym all howe hee had done Truely sayd Skelton thou art a not able knaue And withoute thou causte do me one other seate thou shalte dye O good Master sayde the Miller you promised to pardon me and wil you now breake your promise I sayd Skelton wythout thou canste steale the sheetes of my bed when my wyfe and I am a slepe ther shalte â—e hanged that all soâ—he knaues shall take ensample by thee Alas sayd the Miller whych waye shall I dooe this thinge it is vnpossible for me to get theym while you bee there Well sayde Skelton with oute thou dooe it thou knowest the daunger The Myller went hys way beyng very heauy studyed whiche waye he myght doo thys deede He hauynge a little boye Whyche knewe all the corners of Skeltons house where hee lay Upon a night wheÌ„ they were all busie the boie crepte in vnder his bed wyth a potte of yeste and when Skelton hys wyfe were fast a slepe hee all to noynted the sheetes with yeste as farre as hee coulde reacâ—e At last Skelton awaked felt the sheetes all wete waked his wife and sayd what hast thou be shitten the bed and she sayd naye it is you that haue doone it I thynke for I am sure it is not I. And so theate fel a great strife betweene SkeltoÌ„ and his wyfe thinkyng that the bedd had ben be shitten and called for the mayde to geue them a cleane payre of shetes And so they arose the mayde tooke the foule sheetes and threw them vnderneath the bed thinkynge the nexte morning to haue fetched them away The next time the maydes shuld goe to washynge â–ª they looked all about and coulde not fynde the sheetes â–ª for Iacke the myllers boy had stollen them away then the Myller was sent for agayne to knowe where the sheetes were be come the Myller tolde mayster Skelton all how he deuised to steale the sheetes Howe say ye sayde Skelton to hys frendes is not this a notable theef is he not worthy to be hanged that canne dooe these deedes O good Maister quoth the Miller nowe for geue mee accâ—rdynge to youre promyse for I haue done all that you haue commaunded mee and I trust now you wyll pardon me Naye quoth Skelton thou shalt doo yet one
the Byshoppe of Rome â—he Fryere bâ—ynge ashamed woulde neuer after that time presume to preach at Dys ¶ How Skelton handled the Fryer that woulde needes lye with him in his Inne Tale .ix. AS SkeltoÌ„ ryd into y e countre There was a Frere that hapened in at an ale house wher as Skelton was lodged and there the Fâ—â—re dyd desire to haue lodgyng The 〈◊〉 sayd syr I haue but one beâ—â— where as master Skelton doth lye â–ª syr sayd the fâ—â—re I pray you that I maye lye with you SkeltoÌ„ said â—â—ester Frere I doo vse to haue no man to lye with me Sir sayd the frere I haue lyne wyth as good men as you and for my money I doo looke to haue lodgynge as well as you Well sayde Skelton I dooe see than that you wyll lye with me Yea syr sayd the Frere Skelton did fill all the cuppes in the house and whitled the Frere that at the last the Frere was in myne cames peason Then sayde Skelton mayster Freere get you to bed and I wyll come to bed within a while The Frere went and dyd lye vpright â–ª and snorted lyke a sowe Skelton wente to the chaumber and dyd see that the Freere did lye soe sayd to the wyfe Geue me a washyng beâ—le Skelton then caste downe the clothes and the Freere dyd lye starke naked then Skelton dyd shite vpon the Freres Nauil and bellye And then he did take the washyng betle and dyd strike an harde stroke vppon the Nauill bellye of the Freere and dyd put out the candell and went out of the chaumber the Freere felt hys bellye smelt a foule sauour had thought hee had ben gored and cried out and sayde helpe helpe helpe I am kylled They of the house with Skelton wente in to the chaumber and asked what the Freere dyd ayle The Freere sayde I am kylled one hathe thrust me in the bellye Fo sayde Skelton thou dronken soule thou doost lye thou haste be shytten thy selfe Fo sayde Skelton let vs goe oute of the chaumber for the knaue doothe stynke The Freere was a shamed and cryed for water Out with the whoreson sayd Skelton and wrap the sheetes togyther and putte the Freere in the hogge stye or in the Barne The Freere said geue me some water into the Barne and there the Freere dyd wasshe him selfe and dydde lye there all the nyght longe â–ª The chaumber and the bedde was dressed and the sheetes shyfted and then Skelton went to bed ¶ Howe the Cardynall desyred Skelton to make an Epitaphe vpon his graue Tale .x. THomas Wolsey Cardynall Archbyshop of Yorke had made a regall Tombe to lye in after hee was deade And be desyred Master Skelton to make for his Tombe an Epytaphe whyche is a memoriall to shewe the lyfe with the Actes of a Noble man Skelton sayde If it dooe lyke your grace I canne not make an Epytaphe vnlesse that I do se your Tombe The Cardynall sayde I dooe praye you to meete wyth mee tomorowe at the wâ—st Monestâ—â—ye and there shall â—ou se tombe A makynge the point â—ent kept And Skelton Seyng the sumptuous coste more pertayning for an Emperoure or a Maxymyous Kynge then for suche a man as he was although Cardynals wyll compare wyth Kyngs wâ—ll sayd Skelton If it shall like youâ— grate to creepe into thys â—ombe whiles you be a lyue I can make an Epitaphe for I am sure that wheâ— that you be dead you shall neuer haue it The whyche was verifyed of truthe ¶ Howe the Hostler dyd byte Skeltons Mare vnder the tale for biting him by the arme Tale .xi. SKelton vsed muche to ryde on a mare And on a tyme hee happened into an Inne wher there was a folish Ostler Skelton said Ostler hast thou any Mares bread No syr sayd the Ostler I haue good horsebread but I haue no mares bread Skelton saide I must haue Mares bread Syr sayde the Ostler There is no Mares bred to get in all the towne Well sayd Skelton for this once serue my Mare wyth Horse bread In the meane time Skelton coÌ„maunded the Ostler to sadle his Mare and the Hosteler dyd gyrde thâ— Mare hard and the Hostler was in hys Ierkyn and hys shirte sleues weâ— aboue his elbowes and in the girding of the Mare hard the Mare bitte the Hostler by the arme and bitte him sore The Hostler was angry and dyd bite the Mare vnder the tayle saying a whore is it good byâ—ing by the bare arme Skelton sayde thene Why fellowe haste thou hurt my Mare Yea sayde the Hostler â—a â—â—ka thee Yf she dooe hurte me I wyll displease her ¶ Howe the Cobler tolde maister Skelton it is good sleeping in a whole skinne Tale .xii IN the Parysshe of Dys where as skelton was Person there dweâ—â—ed a cobler beyng halfe a souter which was a tall man and a greate slouen otherwyse named a slouche The Kynges Maiestye hauynge Warres byyonde the sea Skelton sayd to thys a forsayd doughtie man Neybour you be a tall man and in the Kynges warres you must bere a standard A standerd said the cobler what a thiÌ„g is that SkeltoÌ„ saide it is a great banner suche a one as thou dooest vse to beare in Rogacyon werke and a Lordes or a Knyghtes or a gentle mannes armes shall bee vpon it and the Souldiers that be vnder the afore sayde persons fayghtynge vnder thy Banner fayghtynge sayde the Cobbeler I can no skil in faighting no said Skelton thou shalte not fayght but holde vp and aduaunce the baÌ„ner By my fay sayd the cobler I can no skill in the matter Well sayd SkeltoÌ„ there is no reamedie but thou shalte forthe to dooe the Kynges seruice in hys Warres for in all this Countrey theare is not a more likelier manne to dooe suche as feate as thou arte Syr sayde the Cobbeler I wyll geue you a fatte Capon that I maye bee at home No sayde Skelton I wyll not haue none of thy Capons For thou shalte doe the Kyng seruice in his wars Why sayd the cobler what shuld I doo wyll you haue me to goe in the Kynges warres and to bee killed for my labour then I shall be well at ease for I shall haue my mendes in my nown hands What knaue sayd Skelton art thou a cowarde hauyng so great Bones No sayde the Cobler I am not a fearde it is good to flepe in a whole skinne Why said Skelton thou shalte bee harnessed to keepe away the strokes froÌ„ thy skynne By my fay sayde the Cobler if I must needes forthe I will see howe yche shall bee ordered Skelton dyd harnesse the doughtye Squirell and dyd put an helmet on his head and wheÌ„ the helmet was on the Coblers heade the Cobler sayde What shall those hoales serue for Skelton saydeholes to looke out to see thy enemyes yea sayde the Cobler then am I in worser case then euer I was for then one may come and thrust a nayle into one of the holes and prycke
other feate and that shall bee thys Thou shalte steale maister Person out of hys bed at midnight that he shall not know where he is â—e come The Miller made great mone and lamented saying I can not tel in the world howe I shall doo for I am neuer able to dooe this feate well â–ª sayde Skelton thou shalt dooe it or els thou shalt fynde no fauour at my hands â–ª and therfore go thy way The Miller beyng sorye deuysed wiâ—h hiÌ„selfe which way he might bryng this thing to passe And .ii. or .iii. nyghtes after gathered a number of Snaâ—â—es greed with the Sereen of the Churche to haue the key of the Churche dore and went into the Churche betwene the houres of a .xi. and .xii. in the night tooke the snayles And lyghâ—â—d a sorte of little waxe candles â–ª set vppon euerie sâ—aylâ— one the Snayles chepte about the Churche wyth the â—â—â—e candels vpon their bâ—ches and then he went into the 〈◊〉 put a Cope vppon hys 〈◊〉 stoode very solemnely at the hye Aâ—ter with a booke in hys hand and after warde called the 〈◊〉 that the Preest â—â—â—nge in the Churche yard might heare hym â–ª the priest hearyng the bell toke starte oute of his slâ—pe and looked out of hys windowe and sawe suche a lyght in the Church â–ª was very muche amased and thought surely that the Churche had ben on fire and wente for to see what wonder it shoulde bâ— â–ª And when he came there he founde the Church dore open and went vp into the quier and see the miâ—ler standing in hys vestementes and a booke in hys hand praying deuoutly all the lightes in the Church thought surely with hym selfe it was some Angell come downe from heauen or some other great miracle blessed hym selfe and sayde In the name of the father the sonne and the holy ghoste What arte thou that standest here in thys hollye place O sayde the Myller I am saynt Peter whych kepte the Keyes of heauen gate and thou knowest that none can enter into heauen excepte I let hym in and I am sent oute from heauen for thee For mee quoth the Preest Good saynt Peter worship maye thou be I am glad to heare that newes Because thou hast done good deedes layd the myller and serued God â–ª â—ee hath sent for thee afore domes day come that thou shalt not knowe the troubles of y e worlde O â–ª blessed be God sayde the Preest I am very well contented for to goe yet if it woulde please God to let me go home and distrybute such things as I haue to the poore I woulde bee verye glad No sayde the Miller if thou dooest delite more in thy goodes then in the Ioyes of heaueÌ„ thou art not for God therefore preyare thy selfe and goe into this bagge which I haue brought for thee The miller hauyng a great quarter sacke the poore Priest wente into it thynkyng verylye hee had gon to heauen yet was very sory to parte from hys goodes Asked saynt Peter how long it wold be ere he came there the miller sayd he should be there quickly and in he got the Priest and tied vp the sackâ— and put out the lightes layed euery thynge in their place and tooke the preest on his backe locked the church dores to go and when he came to go ouer the church stile the Preest was verye heauye and the Miller â—asâ—e hym ouer the stile that the priest â—â—yed of O good sâ—int Peter sayde the Preeste whyther goe I nowe O sayde the Myller These bee the panges that ye must adyde before yâ—n come to heauen O â—â—eth the Preest I would I were there once Up he got the Priest agayn caried hym tyll hee câ—me to the toppe of an hye hyll a 〈◊〉 from hys house and caste hym downe the hyll that hys head had many shrewde rappes that hys necke was almost bâ—â—st O good saynt Peter said the Priest where am I nowe you are almost nowe at heauen caried hym with much a doo tyll hee came to hys owne house and then the miller threwe him ouer the thresholde O good saynte Peter sayde the Preeste Where am I nowe thys is the soreâ—â—e pange that euer I vyâ—de O sayd that Myller geue GOD thankes that thou haste had pacience to a bide all thys payne for nowe thou artâ— goyng vppe into heauen and tyed a rope a boute the sacke and drewe hym vppe to the toppe of the Chymnye and there let him hange O good S. Peter tell me nowe where I am sayde the Preest Marye sayd he thou art now in the tope of Iohn Millers chimney A vengeaunce on thee knaue sayde the Preeste hast thou made me beleue al this while that I was goyng vp into heauen Well nowe I am here euer I come downe again â–ª I wil make thee to repeÌ„t it But Iohn Myller was gladd that hee had brought hym there And in the mornyng the Sexten rang all in to seruise when the people were come to Churche the Preest was lackynge the parish asked the sexten wher the Preest was and the sexten sayd I can not tell Then the parrishe sent to master Skelton and tolde howe their Prieste was lacking to saye them seruice Mayster Skelton meruayled at that and bethought hym of the â—rafty dooyng of the Miller sent for Iohn Myller and when the Miller was come Skelton sayd to the miller canst thou tell wher the parish Preest is â–ª The Myller vp and told him all togither how he had doone Maister Skelton considering the matter sayde to the Miller why thou vnreuereÌ„t knaue hast thou hanled the poore Preest on this fashion and putte on the holy ornameÌ„ts vpon a knaues backe thou shalte be hanged it coste me all the good I haue Iohn miller fell vppon his knees and desyred Maister Skelton to pardon hym for I dyd nothynge sayd the miller but that you sayd you woulde forgeue me Nay not so sayd SkeltoÌ„ But if thou canst steale my gelding out of my stable my two meÌ„ watching him I will pardon thee and if they take thee they shall strike of thy heade For Skelton thoughte it better that such a false knaue shoulde lose hys head theÌ„ to liue Then Iohn miller was very sad bethought hiÌ„ how to bring it to passe Then he remembred that ther was a man left hangyng vppon the galowes the day before weÌ„t preuely in the nyght and tooke him downe and cut of his head and put it vpon a pole brake a hole into the stable and put in a candle lighted thrustyng in the head a lytle a lytle The men watching the stable seynge that got them selues neare to the hole thinkinge that it was his head one of them with hys sworde cutte if of Then they for gladnesse presented it vnto theyr master leauynge the stable doore open then Iohn Miller went in and stole away the geâ—ding Master Skelton lookyng vppon the head sawe it was the theues head that was left hangyng vpoÌ„ the galawes â–ª sayd alas now ofte hath this false knaue deceiued vs Go quickly to the stable agayne for I thinkâ— my geldyng is gone Hys meÌ„ goyng backe agayn fouÌ„d it euen so Then they came agayn shewe your grace Say on thou hore â—ead sayd the Cardynall to SkeltoÌ„ I pray your grace to let me lye doune and wallow for I can kneele no longer ¶ Howe the vinteners wife put water into Skeltons wine tale .xv. SKelton did loue wel a cup of good wyne And on a daye he dyd make merye in a Tauerne in LondoÌ„ and the morow after hee sent to the same place againe for a quart of y e same wine he drunke of before the whiche was clene chaunged brued again SkeltoÌ„ perceiuing this he went to the Tauerne dyd sytte down in a chaire dyd sygh very sore and made great lameÌ„tacion The wife of the house percâ—iuinge this said to master SkeltoÌ„ howe is it with you master SkeltoÌ„ he answered and said I dyd neuer so euill and then hee dyd reache an other greate syghe sayinge I am afraide that I shal neuer be sawed nor cum to heauen why said the wife shuld you dispaire so much in Goddes meâ—cy Nay said he it is past all remedye Then said the wife I dooe praye you breake your mind vnto mee O sayd Skelton I would gladlye shewe you the cause of my deâ—our if that I wist that you would keepe my counsell Sir said shee I haue ben made of councel of greater matters then you can shew me Naye nay said Skelton my matter passeth all other matters for I think I shal sinke to hell for my great offences for I sent thys daye to you for Wyne to says masse with all and wee haue a stronge lawe that euery priest is bounde to put into hys Chalice when hee doth singe or saye masse some wyne and water the which dothe signifye the water bloude that dyd runne oute of Chrystes syde when Longeons the blynde knyght dyd thrust a speare to Christes harte thys daye I dyd put no water into my wyne when that I did put wine into my Chalys Then sayd the Uintiners wife Be mery maister Skelton and keepe my counsell for by my faythe I dyd put into the vessell of wyne that I did seâ—â— you of to day .x. gallandes of water And therfore take no thought master SkeltoÌ„ for I warraunt you Then said Skelton Dame I dooe be shrewe thee for thy laboure for I thought so muche before for throughe such vses brewyng of wyne maye men be deceyued and be hurte by drynkinge of suche euell wyne For all wines must be strong and fayre and well coloured It must haue a redolent sauoure It must be colâ—e and sprinkclynge in the peece or in the glasse ¶ Thus endeth the merie Tales of Maister Skelton very pleasaunt for the recreacion of the minde