again Quick I hope your Ladiship has no reason to repent Gir. No but you know the first sight of a Bride puts strange Thoughts what were you saying Sir Sec. That your Ladiship would please to accept my Kinswoman here to your Service she 's newly come up out of the Countrey Gir. Is she a Gentlewoman Sec. She is Madam and one that her Father has a mind to bestow in some honorable Lady's Service too Gir. To learn Breeding Mrs. T. And surely you have a discreet Choice in preferring her to her Ladiship Gir. We suppos'd that Mrs. Touchstone These City Gentlewomen are so forward --- And can you do any Work that belongs to a Lady's Chamber Syn. What I cannot do I shall be glad to learn Madam Gir. And d' ye hear Old Gentleman you may put on your Hat now I do not look on you I must have you of my Faction not of my Knight's to draw all the Servants to my Bow to tell me Tales put me Riddles read Aristotle while I am dressing to laugh extreamly at the Countrey Gentlewomen when they have made me Visits to take no Care what is spent in the House for it is all mine and in any Case to be still a Maid whatever you do and whatever any Man can do to you Syn. I am your Creature Madam Gir. Very well you shall ride down in my Coach with me immediately is it not come yet upon my Quality I think I am with Child already I long so for my Coach Can I be with Child so soon Mrs. Touchstone Pet. But will your Ladiship be gone before I can possibly wait on you Gir. Let me dear Knight I d' so long to dress up thy Castle before thou com'st Mrs. T. But must this little man Madam run all the Way a foot Gir. I warrant him He gives no other Milk as yet Mrs. T. Methinks 't is pity Good Madam buy him a Hobby-horse let the poor Knave have something Gir. You are impertinent Mrs. Touchstone Page Your Coach is come Madam Gir. Is my Coach come why that 's well said methinks I am up to the Knees in Preferment farewel Knight Pet. Will not your Ladiship be pleas'd first to Sign a slight Paper here Gir. What is it Pet. A Deed of Sale of your Countrey Seat Mine is more large and stands more pleasantly only the Arras being something faded must now be chang'd to Wainscot and now for a Lady's Bed-Chamber Alcoves are all the Fashion Gir. I will have it all laid out upon my Castle give me the Pen. She signs the Paper Mrs. T. What is your Ladiship a doing Gir. Interrogating again Mrs. Touchstone Mrs. T. I will wait on your Ladiship to your Coach I shall never sleep till I hear your Ladiship is safe in your Castle Madam and that you live safe there too Gir. Fear it not Mrs. Touchstone There were Gyants in it formerly but my Knight has kill'd 'em all Mrs. T. And therefore he was Knighted I presume Gir. Upon my Honour the Day wears apace come Chairmen carry me to my Coach Adieu Knight upon my Quality you shall not stir one step Servants Heav'n bless your Ladiship Gir. Thankyou good People thank you She is carry'd round the Stage and so off bowing to the Company from each side of her Chair Quick Was there ever such an Adventure Pet. Why this I hope is not the first false Journey that a Lady has taken in her Coach Sec. But when her Knight is upon a real Voyage Enter a Sailor Sail. Sir Petronell where are you Captain Seagult stays for you on Board it will be Flood within this two hours Pet. We shall be time enough to reach Black-wall where our Ship lies against Tide Exit Sailor Master Security you see the urgency of my Affair meet me an hour hence at the Swan Tavern by Billingsgate with your Money and these shall there be made over to you and Mr. Bramble we must desire your Presence at the Delivery Bramble You have no further Service for me Gossip Sec. Nothing at present Gossip Exit Bramble Did you observe that peaching Petti-fogger Gentlemen a Jealous old Hunks that locks up his Wife Wynifred looks from above Wyn. Cue Where is my Cue there Sec. Here Bunting Wyn. Won't you come Putt with me above Stairs Cue Sec. I am busy Bunting Wyn. But oneword Cue Sec. Gentlemen I will along with you immediately Exit As he is going up She calls to Sir Petr. throws him down a Letter and retires Petr. There is the Remora to my Voyage Frank how shall I sail and leave my Heart behind See here Reads I have over-heard your Voyage and would share your Adventure deliver me from this Enchanted Castle as you are a true Knight Errant Now Frank my subtle Mercury instruct me This were of a Master-piece of rare Invention Could I but get this Helen once aboard Not Paris past the Seas with half such Pride Quick I have a suddain lucky thought Pet. It is impossible our time 's so short The Husband's watch is so shy upon her while he is within and when he goes forth he comes directly to us Rust choak him he 's here again Quick Leave me to work him Sec. Come Gentlemen shall we dispatch to the Tavern I know our noble Knight will pay his Way we 'll take up the Money as we go I am impatient till I do him good Quick The Knight will Treat most freely But first Dad we have a weighty Secret to impart to you in which we must have your wise Assistance This Gentleman my Friend has enjoy'd a Gentlewoman whom you well know Sec. How 's that a Gentlewoman whom I well know Quick The Woman is your learned Councel's Wife Mr. Bramble that was here e'en now Sec. Why he deserves it Frank for keeping her lockt up I could contribute to my learn'd Councel's Cuckoldom but you say the Gentleman has enjoy'd her already wherein then can I assist him further Quick He wants to take the dear farewel and therefore Dad if you will but take pains to bring out Mr. Councel your Gossip to the Tavern where we are to meet Sec. Nay I would have him present at the delivery of the Deed. Quick I will watch his coming out and bring his Wife disguis'd into our Company think but what Sport 't will be to gull his Circumspection Sec. On my Religion a most pithy Project who would not strain a point of Friendship for such a neat Device ha ha ha and the sport will be to hear me Bob and Cut upon him Pet. Was there ever such an old Villain it works rarely Sec. To over-reach that Head that over-reaches all Heads will be a Plot rampant well I hope this Harvest to pitch Carts with Lawyers their Heads shall be so fork'd Pet. But how shall we disguise her on the suddain Quick A Sailor's Gown and Cap and Player's Beard Pet. But how shall she make bare her head when thou present'st her to
our Company I think it best not to have her appear Sec. Not for the World I must have her coram the very Soul o' th' mirth is lost else I have hit it you shall see Gentlemen what an old Brain can do I 'll fetch you a Disguise Goes out and immediately Re-enters Look Gentlemen here is my Wife's best Gown which you may put upon the Lawyer 's Wife and for her Face it shall be Masqu'd Pet. Most excellent Sec. And for doing this I have two Politick Reasons One is That Mr. Bramble may thereby have some suspicion that it is my Wife and thereupon gird me with his Lawyer 's Wit The other Reason is That I shall be sure of my own Wife 's staying at home the while for she will never go abroad undress'd d' ye mark me Pet. With Admiration Sec. Is it not rare was I not born to furnish Gentlemen Come hither Clogg Clogg Here Sir Sec. Take this Key and let your Mistress down into this Room for Air till I come home again Gives him the Key Quick Do you hear that Knight he 'll leave her freedom of the House till he returns so that as soon as he goes out to the Lawyers I will slip in hither again with these Cloths of his Wife 's dress her up in them and bring her Masqu'd to the Tavern while he shall suppose her the Lawyer 's Sec. Gentlemen I will but send to Mr. Cash to have our Money ready against I come from my Gossips Exit Quick You see Knight we have shamm'd my Dad here with a Pretence on his Gossip's Wife what will you say if I make Earnest of it and deliver that Lady from her enchanted Castle too Pet. And so to go aboard with us that were a Master-piece Quick We have been private Acquaintance too I have sent a pretended Attorney with a Sham Sub-Poena for her to be Witness in a Cause this Afternoon at the same time that Mr. Councel is to be with us at the Swan with your Deed and rather than have her forfeit for Non-Appearance he will let her come abroad by which means she will have Opportunity of meeting me by the Water-side Pet. Most admirable what a History shall we leave behind us Frank Re-enter Security Sec. Come Gentlemen shall we be stirring Quick How impatient he is as 't were the Devil going to fetch the Lawyer Pet. And Devil He shall be if Horns can make him Exeunt SCENE III. A Tavern Captain Seagull with other Sailors C. Sea Come Drawer Pierce your neatest Hogsheads and let us have Entertainment fit for our noble Colonel He 'll be here instantly Draw You shall have all things to your wish Sir wil 't please ye to have more Wine C. Sea Without measure Slave whether we drink it or no spill it and draw more 1 Sail. Well spoken noble Captain C. Sea Fill all your Pots and Bottles rank 'em like Souldiers and though we do not presently employ 'em we 'll keep 'em in Pay till we do Draw You shall have all you will Command Sir Ex. Drawer C. Sea Come Boys this Indian Cantlet longs till we have it's Maiden-head 2 Sail. But is there such Treasure there as we are told C. Sea Vast endless Mines for so much red Copper as I carry thither I will have thrice the weight in Gold They hinge their Doors with it and barr their Windows 1 Sail. But do you meet no Clipticks nor Tropiques by the way I pray what sort of things are they C. Sea Why monstrous Creatures not much unlike your Elephant but there is your Calenture is more inclining to a Dragon 2 Sail. And is it a pleasant Countrey Captain C. Sea As ever the Sun shin'd on you have Autumn VVinter Spring Summer there all without any change of Seasons and that you 'd wonder at 1. Sail. And what Government good Captain C. Sea You shall live free there without Sergeants Lawyers or Intelligencers you may be an Alderman without being a Scavinger attain any Office without ' Prenticeship you may come to Preferment without being a Pimp to Riches and Fortune enough and have never the more Villany nor the less Wit In a word you will have no more Law than Conscience and not too much of either 2 Sail. And how far thither Captain C. Sea Some six Weeks Sail with an Indifferent Wind and if I get to the Coast of Africa I 'll Sail with any Wind or if we make the Cape Finister we have a fore-right Wind till we come thither But see our noble Colonel Enter Sir Petronell Pet. Well met good Captain Seagull and my noble Gentlemen now our sweet hour of freedom is at hand Come Drawer fill us our Bumpers to raise us for the mirth that will be occasion'd presently Here will be a pretty Wench Gentlemen that will bear us Company all our Voyage C. Sea To her health noble Colonel with Cap and Knee Pet. Thank you good Captain she 's one whom I love dearly but must not have her known till we are aboard and so Gentlemen here 's to her Health Amb. Let it come worthy Colonel we do both thirst and hunger for it Pet. Right Sirs you hit the very Phrase of him that is my Pimp and Cuckold too though both unwittingly About with it Enter Security Bramble and Wax Sec. See there Gossip Bramble their Voyage needs must prosper they are on their Knees for success to it Save my brave Colonel and his tall Captains see Sir my learn'd Gossip Councel Bramble is come to take his leave of you Pet. A Health to my learn'd Councel Sec. You must bend too Gossip C. Sea By your leave Sir he must not Pledge his own Health Sec. No Master Captain Enter Quick-silver with Wynifred Disguis'd Then here is one sitly come to do him that Honour Quick Here is the Gentlewoman your Cousin Sir whom with much entreaty I have brought to take her leave of you in a Tavern and for that Reason the Company must excuse her that she puts not off her Masque Pet. Pardon me dear Cousin my hurry and hast of business at my going forc'd me to give you this Trouble Wyn. Thanks to your good Contrivance my dear Cousin Puts off her Mask to him aside and puts it on again Bramb Come hither Wax Here take the Key of your Mistresses Chamber 't is high time for her to attend the Court I must not have her forfeit Be sure you stir not from her And as soon as she has done witnessing see her Home again Lock her up in her Chamber again and bring me the Key to my Gossip Security's Sec. How 's that Mr. Francis have you honour'd the Company with the Presence of a fair Gentlewoman Fran. Pray Sir take you no notice of her for I can assure you she will not be known to you Sec. Good but my learn'd Gossip Councel Bramble here I hope may know her ha ha ha Fran. No more than you at present his Learning
betimes this Morning to the Guild-hall and I am astonish'd at the Matter If I had not laid up some comfort in him I should e'en grow desperate He comes in my Thoughts How now Son what News at the Court of Aldermen Enter Golding Gold In troth Sir an Accident somewhat strange else it has nothing worth reporting Touch. It is not borrowing of Money then Gold No Sir It has pleas'd the Commoners of the City to make me One of our Ward to Elect me one of their Common-Council-men Touch. How Gold And the Alderman of our Ward to appoint me his Deputy in which Office I had an Oath ministred unto me accordingly Touch. Let me Kiss thy new Worship my dear Son what a Fortune was it or rather Judgment for me to see that merit in him which the whole City conspires to Second taken into the Livery of his Company the first Week of his Freedom chosen Common-Council-man and made an Alderman's Deputy all in a Day the Wonder of our Times Well I will Honour Mr. Alderman for this and think the better of the Common-Councils Wisdom while I live for thus meeting or rather coming after me in the Opinion of his Desert Forward my sufficient Son and as this was the first so think it the least step of thy Promotion Gold Sir as I was not ambitious of this so I seek no higher Touch. Excellently spoken again this Modest Answer of thine blushes as if it said Thou shalt wear Scarlet shortly I must tell thee I hope to see thee the other Monument of our City reckon'd among our Worthies and remembred on the same Day with Gresham and my Lady Ramsey when Whittington and his Puss shall be forgotten and thy own Deeds play'd in thy own Time by the best Company of Moor-Fields Gold You are too Prodigal of your Praise Sir Touch. Well I have a little News for thee too Our lewd Crew are all in the Officers Clutches e're now and thou shalt exercise Authority by way of justice on ' em Gold Your Pleasure Sir shall guide me Touch. See the Officers are at the Door without How miraculously it falls out that thou should'st have the Place of a Justicer upon 'em I am glad of the Injury they have done me that thou may'st punish it Disgrace 'em all thou can'st be severe upon them like a new Officer of the first Quarter Exeunt Enter Sir Petronell Quick-silver Seagull brought Pet. How implacably this Devil of ill Fortune pursues us Touch. Take your Chair Mr. Justicer I say appear terrible to 'em let 'em know the Melancholy of a Magistrate and taste the Fury of a Citizen in Office Gold Sir I can do nothing with them unless your Worship charge them with somewhat Touch. Fear not that I will charge 'em and re-charge 'em rather than Authority shall want Matter to work upon ' em Gold Will your Worship please to Sit Touch. By no means Son it is your Office Quick Must Golding Sit upon us Fang Plain Golding to Mr. Deputy's Worship Gold VVhat Persons have ye there Mr. Officer Fang The same an' please your VVorship that were specify'd in our VVarrant This Sir is the Counterfeit Knight This his lewd Companion Gold What a Knight and his Companion thus accoutred where are their Hats and Feathers their Cloaks and Perriwiggs Fang Truly Sir they had cast their Feathers before we seiz'd ' em Here 's all the furniture we found amongst ' em Gold Their Names I say Touch. O this is most excellent he should not take knowledge of 'em in his Place indeed Fang Why this Sir is Sir Petronell Flash Gold How Fang And this Master Quick-silver Touch. Is it possible I thought they had been gone to Virginia e're now with this Noble Captain You have made a quick return it seems and doubtless a good Voyage nay Pray Sirs be cover'd how did your Bisket hold out I beseech you Sure I have seen this Outlandish Gentleman before Good Master Quick-silver how one degree to the Southward has alter'd you Gold Do you know these Persons Mr. Alderman forbear your offers a little you shall be heard anon Touch. Yes Mr. Deputy I had a small Venture aboard with them Officers you may let 'em stand I 'll pass my word they will not run away A Brace of honest Gentlemen One of 'em was my 'Prentice that kept his Whore and Hunting-Nagg would Play you his Hundred Guinneys off at Basset most familiarly and all on my Purse In fine there was no remedy but we must part for I shall be very concise Mr. Deputy Since which time for as I said I intend to be very concise with your Worship since when I say he has gather'd up some small Parcels of mine amongst my Customers to the value of seven Hundred Pound more towards furnishing this Indian Voyage wherein this Knight was Chief Sir Flash here one that Marry'd a Daughter of mine Ladify'd her turn'd Two thousand Pound of good Land of hers into Cash sent her a Progress to his invisible Castle while he prepar'd for Sea with a certain Usurers Wife an' please you Master Deputy Now to pronounce your honourable Pleasure Gold If my Worshipful Father have ended Touch. I have an' please you Master Deputy Gold Why then under Correction Touch. Hold a little Son Now come over 'em with some fine Gird as thus Knight you shall be encountred that is to say had to the Compter and Quick-silver I will put you into a Crucible or so ha ha he Gold Then as the honourable Laws direct in these Cases Touch. Hold yet a little Mr. Deputy that your Worship may not be over-burden'd I will officiate a little He takes the Chair Sir Petronell Flash I am sorry to see such flashes as these come from you for my own part d' ye see because I will be concise with you I cou'd wish I cou'd say I cou'd say I cou'd wish that I cou'd say I cou'd not see 'em but such is the misery of Magistrates and Men in Place that we must not wink at Offenders fiat Justicia ruat Coelum Quick And then your Worship may catch Larks Touch. Without your Worship's Net Sir that I think was Wormwood I love Bobbing in a Magistrate extreamly Gold Will your Worship proceed Touch. Master Francis Quick-silver would thou had'st turn'd Quacksalver Thou art a proper young Man of an honest and clean Face somewhat near a good one but thou hast been too proud of it Thou hast Prodigally consum'd thy Master's Wealth on light Housewifes And being by him gently admonisht at several times thou hast return'd thy self haughty rebellious in thine Answers thundering out uncivil Comparisons requiting all his Kindness with Coarse behaviour I must tell thee Francis these are most manifest signs of an obstinate ill Nature so much for Authority now by way of Evidence He places Golding again in the Chair Gold Your Worship has acquitted your self most judiciously Touch. Your Worship do's me too much Honour Quick
one Word Sir Quick Indeed and in very good sober Truth Sir Touch. Indeed and in very good sober Truth Sir behind my back thou wilt swear faster than a French Foot-Boy and talk more Baudy than a Midwife I tell thee Sirrah I am thy natural Lord and Master William Touchstone Goldsmith and Alderman of London an Alderman Sirrah Alderman I will likewise make thee understand that thou art my indented Servant Francis Quick-silver Work upon that now Quick Surely I am your bounden and most faithful Touch. Without Preamble I will know what Diversion you are now a running to Quick Surely one may use his Recreation with his Master's Profit Touch. Servants Recreations are seldom with their Master's Profit --- Work upon that now Quick Surely I was but going to a Funeral Sermon Sir of a dear Friend Sir Crying Touch. Say'st thou so I protest I was to blame for chiding thee dear Francis I ask thy Pardon and am sorry for thy Friend with all my heart But Sirrah seeing is believing shew me your Sermon-Book produce your Shorthand-Book quickly I say Quick Here Sir Touch. Let me see 't Quick Sincerely I shall come too late Sir Touch. Let me see 't I say what is here Sol la me fa sol sol --- what has this to do here With a Stone at the Gate and a handsom young Wench to rub my bald Pate Why thou Pagan Rogue Thou hast more Tricks with thee than an Irish Run-a-way with seven years Improvement in the West-Indies I will see further what Rigging you have about off with that Cloak of Iniquity where are you Quick-silver dodges about him at last Touchstone pulls off his Cloak and discovers Flutes Swords Pumps Racks Dancing Shoes c. girded round him Hey-day hey-day what a Composition is here Thou hast more Trangams about thee than a Hocus Pocus or the Wonderful Fish that came Arm'd against Turk and Pope Quick Work upon that now Touch. Thou shameless Varlet do'st thou deride me too do'st thou laugh at thy lawful Master contrary to thy Indentures I will make thee Sirrah at Noon-day for Pennance to walk in this Equipage from Leaden-Hall to Ludgate Quick I will as soon serve a Prenticeship to every Cuckold betwixt Leaden-Hall and Ludgate by this Light What a Plague Sir I am a Gentleman tho a younger Brother and your Worships Servant Touch. Do'st thou Swear Rake-hell thy Father was an honest Tradesman Quick But my Mother was a Gentlewoman and with your favour Sir I will swear by the Mothers side Is it not for your Worships Advantage that I keep Company I am entertain'd amongst Gallants they call me Cousin Frank right I lend them Money good They spend it very well And when 't is gon must they not strive to get more must not their Land fly and to whom shall not your Worship have the Refusal How could Tradesmen thrive if Gentlemen were not Unthrifts how could Gentlemen be Unthrifts without Supplies for their Debauchery Well the City ought to consider me I am now going to a Gaming-House the Sparks fall to Play I carry light Gold with me Cousin Frank say they some Gold for Silver I change gain by it They lose the Gold and cry Cousin Frank Lend me some Silver by which means Touch. Nay the Rogue has Wit that 's certain the Rogue has Wit I cannot help loving the Dog but Sirrah did I gain my Wealth by Ordinaries no. By exchanging of Gold no. By keeping Gallants Company no. I hired me a little Shop sought low kept no Debt-Book garnish'd my Shelves for want of Plate with good wholsom thrifty Sentences as Touchstone keep thy Shop and thy Shop will keep thee Light Gains make heavy Purses Be merry and wise And when I was Wiv'd having somthing to stick to I had ever the Horn of Security before my Eyes you all know the device of the Horn where the young Fellow slips in at the Butt and comes squeez'd out at the Buckall Yet I grew up to this Dignity that you see here and bear my Brows as high as my Neighbours but thou well look to Accounts your Father's Bond lyes for you Seven hundred art thou run out of Cash Quick I have proper Gentlemens words for 't and well drest shall I deny a Gentleman that calls me Cousin Frank Enter a Page Page Which is Mr. Touchstone's Shop Gold Here Sir What lack you Sir what d' ye buy Sir Touch. Look you there now there 's your Fellow Servant do's he spark it well if he outlast not an hundred such crackling Bavins as thou art Heav'n and Men neglect Industry with me Boy Page My Master Sir Petronell Flash presents his Service to you and intends instantly to visit you Touch. I understand you Boy to Consummate Marriage with my Eldest Daughter my Wive's Dilling whom she longs to call Madam Your Master shall find me most unwillingly ready Boy Ex. Page There 's another Affliction too my Eldest Daughter is as Prodigal as my youngest Servant She must be Ladify'd forfooth take all her Dress from the Court take Quality-Rambles and keep Quality-Hours Well a piece of Land she has her Grandmothers Gift let her Sir Petronell flash out that But as for my Substance she that scorns me as I am a Citizen and Alderman shall never be the better for that nor shall that be the worse for her However Golding come hither Golding no no you Quick-Silver I I Golding Golding my outmost Care is for thee and my only Trust is in thee look to the Shop Mr. Quick-Silver look on the Brodigals Hog-trough in the Hangings within I say Consider them think upon Husks Husks work upon that now Exit Quick Husks in your Wittal's weazon and a Million of Milstones to the Bargain Here 's Authority with a Horse Pox. Gold For shame how you Talk Quick And who shall say me nay I will both Talk and Swear I am a Gentleman and may Swear by my Pedigree Golding thou art yet ---- but I 'll improve thee into a Man and a good Fellow I will shew thee Company with Souls in them Drink thee into good Blood Good store of brisk Claret supplies ev'ry thing And the Man that is Drunk is as great as a King Gold Away with your Ribaldry Play-house Morals Quick I tell thee we will redeem redeem the City's Honour and shew there may be 'Prentices that are no Coxcombs Shall our free Spirits be held in Bonds of Calf-skin and subjected to a formal Beard and Chain Gold What would you have me do Quick Do nothing turn Gentleman and be Idle the Curse of Man is Labour Wilt thou walk here from Sun to Sun between two Pissing Posts or stand with a bare Pate driveling Nose and Arms a-cross under a rotten Pent-house Gold Away you Prodigal Fool. Quick That word again and thou art Immortal Gold Thou Shuttle-Cock Thou Gull of lew'd Companions I see thee already in the Temple Rounds with half a Hat thy Crevat the reversion of a