To the right Worshipfull Sir William Stone Knight Mercer to the Queenes most excellent Majestie YOur friendly disposition right Worshipfull giving grace to the well meaning mindes hath edboldened me amongst others to testifie that good will in outward shew which my heart of long time hath secretly bore to your Worship and now taking opportunity I present to your fovourable censure this small book containing many quick flashes of the witty jests of old Hobson the merry Londoner lately a Citizen of good estimation And I thinke not altogether forgotten of your Worship Receive this little Treatise I beseech you with favour answerable to my good will as your leasure shall serve bestow now and then a little reading thereof which if it please you to doe I doubt not but you will like well of the labour and besides the honest recreation which it offordeth apply what your worship maketh choise of unto your private pleasure and this wishing your prosperity acceptance to this my gift and opinion of the giver I conclude hoping that my honest wish shall not be yoid of a happy successe Your worships most humbly to command Richard Johnson THE Pleasant life of old Hobson the merry Londoner full of humerous discourses and witty merriments whereat the quickest wits may laugh and the wiser sort take pleasure Of Master Hobsons description IN the beginning of Quéene Eâ—izabeths most happy Reigne our late deceased Soveraigne under whose peacefull government long flourished this our Country of England there lived in the Citie of London a merry Citizen named old Hobâ—oâ— a Haberdasher of smale wares dwelling at the lower end of Cheape-side in the Poultry as well known through this part of England as a Sergeant knowes the Counter gate he was a homely plaine man most commonly wearing a buttoned Cap close to his eares a short Gowne girt about his midle and a paire of slippers upon his féete of an ancient fashion as for his wealth it was answerable to the better sort of our Citizens but of so merry a disposition that his equall therein is hardly to be found hereat let the pleasant disposed people laugh and the more graver in carriage take no exceptions for here are meriments without hurt and humorous jests savouring upon wisedome reade willingly but scoffe not spightfully for old Hobson spent his dayes merrily 2. Of Master Hobsons proverbs NOt many years since there was Sir John Baynes by the commmon voice of the City chosen Sheriffe of London which man in former times had been Mr. Hobsons Prentise and riding along the streets with other Aldermen about the Citie business was saluted by M. Hobson in this manner Bones a me man what a clock horse-knave and thy Master a foot here 's the world turn'd upside down Sir John hearing this his Masters merry salutation passed along with a pleasant smile making no answer at all upon which slight regard M. Hobson took accasion to say as followeth here 's pride rides on horseback whilest humility goes a foot in speaking these words came foure other Aldermen riding after Master Sheriffe whose names were these Alderman Ramsey Alderman Bond Alderman Beecher and Alderman Cooper at whose passage by he made this pleasant rime 1 Ramsey the rich 2. Bond the stout 3. Beecher the gentleman 4. Cooper the â—out This pleasant Rime so sodainly spoken by M. Hobson is to this day accounted for his Proverbe in London 3. Of M. Hobson and John Tawny-coat MAster Hobson being a Haberdasher of small wares as I said before and his shop on a time full of customers his negligent prentises â—ar lesâ—y credited a Kentish Pedler with 10. pounds of commodities neither knowing his name nor his dwelling place which oversight when M. Hobson understood and noting the simplicyty of his servants and their forgetfulnesse demanded what apparell the fellow had on marry Sir quoth one of the Prentises he had a Tawny-coate then quoth M. Hobson put down Joâ—n Tawney-coate and so was the Pedler by the name of John Tawny-coate entred to the booke about a moneth after the same Pedler came againe to London to buy ware and comming to M. Hobson in a Russet coat willed him to turne over his booke for ten pounds that one John Rowlands owed him Ten pounds qd M. Hobson that John Rowlands oweth me I remember no such man bones a good knave thou owest me none But I do said the Pedler whereupon the book was searched but no John Rowlands was to be found I thinke thou art mad quoth Hobson for thou owest me nothing but I doe quoth the Pedler and will pay it Being in this strife a long time one of his servants said that he had found in the book such a debt by one John Tawny-coat That is my selfe replyed the Pedler I was then John Tawnycoat though I am now John Russet-coat so paid he ten pounds by the same name to M. Hobson and received twentie more upon his own word and name of John Rowlands the which twentie pound he shortly after paid for suretyship and so by his over-kind heart paying other mens debts he grew so poore and into such necessity that he was forced to maintaine his living by hedging and ditching and other such like countrey labours within a while after this M. Hobson comming into Kent to séeke up some desperate debts he came to Datford where finding this poore man ditching for a Groat a day in pitty of him said how now John Tawny-coat bones a God man thou canst never pay with this poore labour come home knave come home I will trust thée with twentie pounds more follow thy old trade of pedling againe and one day thou mayst pay me all Thus the Pedler had new credit of M Hobson by which good meanes he grew rich that in time he bought his fréedome of London and therein grew so wealthy a Citizen that he became one of the Masters of the Hospitall and when he dyed he proved a good benefactor to the same house 4. How Master Hobson called the Lord Maior of London knave by craft MAster Hobson in his youthfull time having nothing to dinner on a day but bread and chéese good béere and a red herring and being merrily disposed to iest came unto his doore to sit where he said to a Sergeant of London I have din'd this day quoth he as well as my Lord Maior the Sergeant hearing this and being a pick-thanke companion went and certified his Lordship thereof who immediately sent for M. Hobson being then a man but of meane estate who no sooner being come into his presence but his Lordship would needs know the cause of his comparison clapping twenty knaves on poore Hobsons shoulders I mean not Sergeants but knaves of my Lord Maiors own making I will teach thee knave quoth his Lordship how to use my name in thy comparisonâ— and not in thy beggerly dinners and drunken banquets to compare with me and whilest you live to except me in any thing and
thereupon sent M. Hobson to the Counter where he lay some two or three dayes without bayle but at last being set at liberty he met with the same Sergeant againe whom he saluted in this manner well met Sergeant quoth he by thy meanes I am commanded to except my Lord Maior in all things and so I will for I thinke in my conscience thou art the veriest knave in all London except my Lord Maior Thus M. Hobson most cunningly called my Lord Maior and the Officer both knaves 5. How Master Hobson made a light banquet for his company UPon a time M. Hobson invited very solemnly the whole Livery of his company to a light banquet and for the same provided the greatest Tavern in all London in a readinesse the appointed houre being come the Citizens repaired thither richly attired the better to grace M. Hobsons banquet but expecting great cheere and good entertainment they were all utterly disappointed for what found they there thinke you Nothing on my word but each one a cup of wine and a mancher of bread on his trencher and some five hundred candles lighted about the Roome which in my minde was a very light banquet both for the belly and the eye by this merry Iest he gain'd such love of his company that he borrowed gâ—atis out of the hall a hundred and fiftie pound for two yeare 6. How Master Hobson chaulkt his Prentises the way to the Church EUermore when M. Hobson had any businesse abroad his Prentices would either be at the Taverne filling their heads with wine or at the Dagger in Cheap-side cramming their bellies with minst pies but above all other times it was their common custome as London Prentices use to follow their Masters upon Sundayes to the church doore and then to leave them and hie unto the Tavern which M. Hobson on a time perceiving one of his men so to doe demanded at his comming home what the Preachers Text was Sir quoth the fellow I was not at the beginning What was in the middle quoth M. Hobson Sir quoth the fellow then was I asléep said M. Hobson againe what was â—hen the conclusion then replyed his servant I was come Sir away before the end by which means he knew well he was not there â—ut rather in some Tipling house offending Gods Majestie and the lawes of the Land therefore the next Sunday morning after M Hobson called all his servants together and in the sight of many of his neighbors and their Prentises tooke a piece of chawke and chawâ—ked them all the way along to the Church diâ—rectly which proved a great shame to his own servants but a good example to all others oâ— like condition after this was there never the like misdemeanour used amongst them 7. How Master Hobson hung out a Lanthorâ— and a Candle-light IN the beginning of Q. Elizabeths Reigneâ— when the order of hanging out Lanthorn 〈◊〉 candle-light was first brought up the Beadlâ— of the ward where M Hobson dwelt in a darâ— evening went crying upon and down hang ouâ— your Lanthornes hang out your Lanthornes using no other words Whereupon M. Hobso◠〈◊〉 an empty Lanthorn and according to the Beadles call hung it out this flout by the Lord Maior was taken in ill part and for the same offence was Master Hobson sent to the Counter but being Released the next nighâ— the Beadle thinking to ammend his call cryeâ— with a loud voyce hang out your lanthorn anâ— candle hang out your Lanthorne and candle M Hobson hereupon hung out a Lanthorn â—nd a candle unlighted as the Beadle againe â—ommanded whereupon he was sent againe â—o the Counter but ye next night the Beadle â—eing better advised cryed hang out your lanâ—horn and candle-light which M. Hobson did â—o his great commendations which cry of lanâ—horn and candle-light is in right manner used â—o this day 8. How M Hobson baiâ—ed the Devill with a dogge NOt far from M. Hobsons house there dwelled one of these cunning men otherwise called fortune-tellers such cuzning companions to this day by their crafts make â—imple women believe how they can tell what husbands they shall have how many children how many swee-hearts and such like if goods â—e stole who hath them with promise to help them to their losses againe with many other deceitfull illusions To this wise man as some termes him goes M. Hobson not to â—eape any benefit by his crafty cunning but to make a jest and a tryall of his experience â—o causing one of his servants to lead a masty dogge after him staying at the cunning mans â—oore with the dogge in his hand up â—oes M. Hobson to the wise man requesting his skill â—or he had lost ten pound lately taken from by théeves but when and how he knew noâ— well the cunning man knowing M. Hobson to be one of his neighbors and a man of a gooâ— reputation fell as he made shew to conjuâ—ring and casting of figures and after a few words of incantation as his common use waâ— he took a very large faire looking glasse anâ— bad M. Hobson looke in the same but not tâ— cast his eyes backward in any case the whicâ— he did and therein saw the picture of a hogge and a large Ox with two broad hornes on hiâ— head the which was no otherwise but as hâ— had often deceitfully shewed to others a coâ—zening fellow like the cunning man himselfe cleathed in an Oxes Hide which fellow hâ— maintained as his servant to blinde peopleâ— eyes withall and to make them beléeve hâ— could shew them the Devill at his pleasure iâ— a glasse This vision M. Hobson perceiving and guessing at the knavery thereof gave a whistle for his dogge which then stayed below at the doore in his mans keeping which whistle being no sooner heard but the dogge ran uâ— stairs to his Master as he had béen mad and presently fastned upon the poore fellow in the Oxes hide and tore him as it was pitâ—tifull to sée the cunning man cryed for the passion of God take of your dogge no quotâ— M. Hobson let the Divell and the dog fight venter thou thy Divell and I will venter my dogge to conclude the Ox-hide was torne from the fellows back and so their knaveâ—ies were discovered and their cunning shifts laid open to the world 9. How Master Hobson allowed his wife two men to wait on her to the market AS M. Hobson increased in riches so increased his wife in pride in such sort that she wold seldome goe out of doores without her man before her Upon a time having businesse to Cheap-side market amongst many other of her neighbours the more to shew her high and haughty stomack desired of her husband that she might have her man to attend her who séeing her disposition willingly consented thereunto and thereupon called two of his lustiest men put them in armour with two browne bils on their necks placing one of them before her the other after and so profered
to send her forth to market she in a nicenesse took such a displeasure hereat that for a moneth after she lay sick in her bed and would eate nothing but Cawdles made of muskadine 10. How Master Hobson made a jest of his mans name ONe of M. Hobsons Prentices by name was called George Bacon a neare kinsman of Sir Nicolas Bacon L. Kéeper of England a youth of much forwardnesse and good government néer unto M. Hobson dwelled a Grocer which had likewise to his servant a youth called by the name of George Hogge also of a good wit and a pleasant disposition their two Prentices were great companions and spent much time together whereat M. Hobson being much displeased called the said George Hogge to him saying I marvell my boy quoth he why thou keepest my man Bacon company knowing him to be a Prentise but newly bound and thou thy selfe another mans servant to whom replyed this George Hogge wisely saying your man Bacon Sir is a neare kinsman of mine and we can by no means part friendship How knave quoth M. Hobson a kinsman of thine let me understand how it comes marry thus answered the boy my name is Hogge and his is Bacon two names that cannot chuse but be of a kindred Nay not so my lad quoth M. Hobson a hogge is no kinsman to Bacon till he be hanged and when thou art hanged thou shalt be my man Bacons kinsman till then thou art but a bare hogge thus by the â—est did M. Honson part their companies 11. Of an Epitaph that Master Hobson made for a dead man THere was a very rich Citizen dwelling not far from London Briâ—ge who in his lifetime was never known to doe any déed worthy of memory who dying left M. Hobson his only Executor to dispose of his goods as also to lay upon his grave a faire marble stone and as upon marble stones there be commonly ingraven certaine verses in the manner of an Epitaph of the mans conversation thereunder bured so M. Hobson considering what Epitaph he would set upon his friends grave knowing the few good deeds he did in his life time caused these two verses following to be ingraven upon the marble stone EPITAPH He was begotten borne and cryed He lived a long time fell sick and dyed 12. How Master Hobson proved himselfe a Poet MAster Hobson having occâ—sion to ride into the wilde of Kent where in that age Schollers were somewhat scarce during the time of his tarryance there there happened to be buried one John Medcaulfe a very sufficient Farmer upon whose grave was written these verses following in faire Roman letters I desire ye in the Lords behalfe To pray for the soule of poore John Calfe Master Hobson noting the simplicity of the verses writ underneath as followeth O thou death more subtill then a Fox Thou mightst a let this Calfe lived to be an Oxe To have eate grasse hay and corne And like his sire to have worne a horne 13. How Master Hobson served an Inne-keepers wife COntinuing in the wilde of Kent M Hobson being benighted in travell it was his chance to happen into a very poore Inne where was no more Beds in all the house but two the one for the good man and his wife the other for the Guests that â—ame thither and both these beds stood both in one Chamber for indéed there was no more 〈◊〉 roomes in all the Inne M. 〈…〉 supt was lighted to bed by the 〈◊〉 himselfe who like an unmannerly Chamberlaine set M. Hobson never a Chamberpot which he looking for round the Chamber espied a wodden Bowle under the good mans bed and a straining dish of the same fashion hanging up against the wall the strainingdish then M. Hobson takes and sets under the good mans bed and removed the Chamberbowle from thence and sets it under his own The good man and his wife according to custome came to bed without light where they had not long laine but the good wife had occasion to make water and thereupon desired her husband to reach her the Chamberbowle the which he did as he thought but being deceived by M. Hobson he Gave her the strainingdish wherein when she had made water it â—an quite thorow upon her husband goods my life quoth the Good man woman thou spillest over no Husband no quoth she it is not yet at my thumbe which in my opinion was a marke and custome they had M. Hobson hereat could scarce sleep for laughing but lay and spent the whole night with merry imaginations 14. How Master Hobson found his Factor in France with a French Curtizan MAster Hobson having in France a Factor which dealt for him in Merchandise and lacking divers sorts of wares to furnish his Chapmen for Bristow faire sent to his aforesaid Factor being a merry conceited youth for certaine matches of such commodities as were then most in request he mistaking his Masters meaning sent him all the matches used for Gunpouder that could be bought in France the value of two thousand pounds worth M. Hobson receiving them and séeing himselfe matcht with a commodity of matches thought all was not well in France and that his man neglected his businesse there To know the truth thereof the next morning very early not revealing it to his Wife in a night gowne a buttoned cap and a paire of shippers tooke shipping at Billinsgate and passed over into France where after some enquiry made of his mans life and conversation he found him in a lewd house revelling with a most gallant French Curtizan whom M. Hobson after a smile or two saluted in this manner What now knave what a wenching knave a rack and manger knave bones of me cannot a snatch and away serve your turn knave is this the French wares you deale withall knave his man séeing himselfe so taken napping for a time stood amazed not knowing what to say but recoverinh his senses he gave his Master this pleasant answer Though Sir this ware is a broken commodity yet may we deale with them being dealers with all wares or rather Haberdashers of small wares which is seldome lik'd of French Gentlewomen M. Hobson at this pleasant answer could not choose but pardon him and so came they both over into England where now this rack and manger is grown to a Proverbe 15. How Master Hobson got a patten for the sale of his matches THe Commodity of Matches which his Factor sent him from France being slow of sale considering the little use for them being in time of peace like a witty Citizen Master Hobson hies himselfe to Court being in the dayes of our gracious Quéene Elizabeth and having a pattent ready made for the sale of the â—foresaid matches where so soone as he came into the Quéenes presence he knéeled downe and desired her grace to give an assignement to his Pattent declaring What it Was and the great losse he was like to sustaine by that commodity the Q. perceiving for what intent he
came and considering the benefit that would come by such a grant and meaning to giâ—e it to some Gentleman néere unto her as a recompence for his service said unto M. Hobson my friend said the Q. be content for thou shalt not have thy pattent sealed nor will I give thée thy request M. Hobson hearing the Q. denyall said I most heartily thanke your Majestie both I and all mine are bouâ—d to thanke and pray for your Highnesse and low obeysiance went his way at these his words the Q. much marvelled and when he had gone a little from her she caused him to be sent for back againe whom when he was returned the Q. asked if he did well understand what answer her Grace did give him yes truly said M. Hobson What said I quoth the Q. Marry your grace bid me be content for I should not have my desire nor my patten sealed why did you then quoth the Q. give me such great thanks because said M. Hobson your Grace gave me so spéedy an answer without either long suit or losse of time the which would have béen to my very much harme and great hindrance for I have at home a great charge of houshold to which I am bound in duty to looke diligently and to provide carefully The Q. marking well the wisedome and discréet answer of M. Hobson and now conceiving a new favour towards him said now shall you give me twice thanks and have your pattent sealed and your desires performed that you sue for So casting her eyes upon the Lord Chancelor commanding the same by him to be done which was accomplished with all speed whereby in short time he had quick sale of his commodity of matches to his hearts content and his wealths great increase 16. Master Hobsons jest of ringing of the Bells upon the Queenes day UPon Sant Hewes day being the 17. of November upon which day the triumph was holden for Q. Elizabeâ—hs happy government as bonefires ringing of bells and such like but in the Parish where Master Hobson dwelled he being Church-warden was no riâ—ging at all by reason the Séeple was amenâ—ing and the bells down and being asked by a servant of the Quéenes house why they 〈◊〉 not he answered because they had no beâ—â—s in their stéeple Then quoth the Quéens man you may very well sell away your steeple Why so quoth M. Hobson because quoth the other it standeth empty and vacant to whom M. Hobson replyed againe we may better sell away our Pulpit for these twelve moneths was there never a Sermon in the same and it rather stands empty and vacant After this the Parson of the Church preached every Sunday following 17. Of a Beggers answer to Master Hobson A Poore beggar man that was foule black and loathsome to behold came on a time to M. Hobson as he walked in Moore fields and asked some thing of him for an almes to whom M. Hobson said I pray thée fellow get from me for thou lookest as thou cammest lately out of hell the poore Beggar perceiving he would give him nothing answered forsooth Sir you say true for I came lately out of Hell indéed why didst not thou tarry there still quoth M. Hobson Nay sir quoth the Begger there is no roome for such beggar men as I am for all is kept for such Gentlemen Citizen as you be this witty answer caused M. Hobson to give the poore man a teaster 18. How long M. Hobsons daughter mourned for her husbands death MAster Hobson had a Daughter which was a very faire young woman who made great sorrow lamentation for her husband that lay a dying no meanes could comfort her wherefore her father came to her and said Daughter leave off your mourning for if God take away your Husband I will spéedily provide you another of great wealth and credit as he is now of and far more young and lusty but yet for all this would she not leave mourning and grew greatly displeased that her Father made any motion of another husband protesting that she would never marry more But now marke the vaviable minds of women her husband was no sooner dead and buried the charges of his buriall paid for and she with her friends set at supper to comfort her betwéene sobbing and wéeping she wispered her father in the eare and said Father where is the man that you said should be my Husband Thus you may sée quoth M. Hobson the nature of Women kind and how long they mourne for their Husbands after they be dead these words made the young woman never after to aske her father for a husband 19. Master Hobson causâ—ing his man to set up a signe MAster Hobson having one of his 〈◊〉 new come out of his time and being made a free-man of London desired to set up for himselfe so taking a house not far from Saint Laurence Lane furnished it with store of ware and set the signe of the Maiden-head hard by was a very rich man of the same trade had the same signe who reported in every place where he came that the young man had set up the same signe that he had onely to get away his customers and dayly vexed the young man therewithall who being grieved in mind told M. Hobson his late Master who commining to the rich man said I marvell sir quoth M. Hobson why wrong you my man so much as to say he séeketh to get away your customers marry so he doth quoth the other for he hath set up a signe called the maiden-head as mine is That is not so replyed M. Hobson for this is the Widdowes head and no Maiden-head therefore you doe him great wrong the rich man hereupon séeing heimself requited with mocks rested satisfied and never after that envied M. Hobsons man but let him live quietly 19. Of M. Hobsons jest of a louse and a flea UPon a time M. Hobson going to my L. Maiors to dinner amongst the Livery of his Company and being waighted on by one of his Prentices the said Prentise spyed a louse créeping upon the side of his Gown and tooke it off M. Hobson espyiâ—g him to doe something in secret asking what it was the fellow being ashamed was loath to tell him but being importuned by his Master said 〈◊〉 was a Louse oh quoth M. Hobson this 〈◊〉 good luck for it sheweth me to be a man foâ— this kind of vermine chiefly breedeth on man kind and thereupon gave five shillings to hiâ— man for his labour another of his Prentices being a pick-thanke knave and having hearâ— that his fellow had five shillings given him foâ— taking a Louse off his Master having hiâ— Gown likewise on and made as though 〈◊〉 tooke a flea from the same and conveyed 〈◊〉 away but when M. Hobson constraiâ—ned him to tell what it was with much disâ—sembling shamfastnesse he said it was a flea M. Hobson perceiving his dissimulation saâ—â— to him what dost thou make me a dogge foâ— fleas be most
commonly bread upon dogges and instead of his expected reward he receiâ—ved fiftéene stripes for said M. Hobson therâ— is a great difference betwéen one that doth â— thing with a good mind and him that doth â— thing by dissimulation 21. How one of M. Hobsons men quâ—ted him with a merry jest MAster Hobson had a servant that he haâ— long before made a frée-man and waâ— still at M. Hobsons commandement and did him much good service wherefore upon a time he came unto his Master and said Sir I have done you service long time justly and truly wherefore I pray you bestow something upon me to begin the world withall fellow qd Mr. Hobson thou sayst true and thereon have I thought many times to doe a good turne now will I tell thee what thou shalt doe I must shortly ride to Bristow Faire and if thou wilt beare my charges thither I will give thée such a thing as shall be worth to thee an hundred l. I am content qd the fellow so all the way as he rode his man bore his charges and payd for all things duly till they came at the last lodging and there after supper he came to his Master and said Sir I have borne your charges as you commanded me now I pray you let me know what the thing is that will be worth to me 100. pounds did I promise thée such a thing qd his Master you did said the fellow shew me in writing qd his Master I have none said the fellow then thou art like to have nothing qd M. Hobson and learn this of me whensoever thou makest a bargain with any man looke that thou take a writing for thy security and be well advised how thou givest thy bond to any man this thing hath benefited me in my time 200. l. and so it may likewise doe thee thus when the poore fellow saw there was no remedy he held himself content and all that night pondred in his minde how to grow quittance with his master so on yâ— morrow when his Master had dispatched his businesse in the Town and was set forward back againe towards London he tarryed a little behind to reckon with the Hostis where he lay and of her he borrowed as much money on his Masters cloake as came to all the charges that they spent by the way M. Hobson had not rode past 2. miles but that it began to rain whereupon he called for his cloake of another servant that rode by who said that it was behind with his fellow who had it with him so they tooke shelter under a tree till he overtooke them when he was come M. Hobson most angerly said thou knave why commest thou not away with my cloake the fellow answered Sir and please you I have laid it to pawn for your carges all the way Why knave qd M. Hobson didst thou not promise to beare my charges to Bristow did I quoth the fellow yes said M. Hobson thou didst shew me a writing thereof saith the fellow whereunto M. Hobson seeing himself so cunningly over reached answered but little 22. Of M. Hobsons riding to Sturbidge faire MAster Hobson on a time in company of one of his neighbors rode from London towards Sâ—urbâ—dge faire so the first night of their journey they lodged at Ware in an Inne where great store of company was and in the morning when every man made him ready to ride and some were on horseback setting forward the Citizen his neighbour found him sitting at the Inne gate booted and spurred in a browne study to whom he said for shame M. Hobson why sit you here why doe you not make your selfe ready to horseback that we may set forward with company M. Hobson replyed in this manner I tarry qd he for a good cause for what cause quoth his neighbour marry qd M. Hobson here be so many horses that I cannot tell which is my owne and I know well when every man is ridden and gon the horse that remaineth behinde must needs be mine 23 How M. Hobson found a farmers purse THere was a Farmer that lost 40. pounds betwixt Cambridge and London and being so great a summe he made proclamation in all market towns thereabout that whosoever had found 45. l. should have the five pounds for his labour for finding it and therefore he put in the 5. l. more then was lost it was M. Hobâ—ons fortune to finde the same summe of 40. l. and brought the same to the Bayliffe of Ware and required the 5. l. for his paines as it was proclaimed when the Farmer understood this and that he must needs pay five pounds for the finding he said that there was in yâ— purse 45. l. and so weuld he have his moneey and five pounds over so long they strove that the matter was brought before a Iustice of peace which was then one M. Fleetwood who after was the Recorder of London but when M. Fleetwood understood by the Bayliffe that the proclamation was made for a purse of 45. l. he demanded where it was here qd the Baily and gave it him it is just â—0 l. said M. Fleetwood yes truly qd the Bayliffe here M. Hobson said M. Fleetwood take you this money for it is your owne and if you chance to finde a purse of 45 l. bring it to this honest Farmer that 's mine qd the Farmer for I lost just 40. l. you speake too late qd M. Fleetwood Thus the farmer lost the money and Master Hobsâ—n had it according to justice 24. How Master Hobson was a judge betwixt two women THere dwelled not far from Mr. Hobson two very ancient Women the youngest of them both was abount 60. years of age and upon a time sitting at the Taverne together they grew at variance which of them should be the youngest as Women indéed desire tâ— be accounted younger then they be in such manner that they layd a good supper of the value of 20. s. for the truth thereof M. Hobson they agréed upon to be their Iudge of yâ— difference so after M Hobson had knowledge thereof the one came to him and as a present gave him a very faire pigeon pie worth some 5. s. desiring him to passe the verdit on her 〈◊〉 within a while after the other came and gave M. Hobson a very faire greyhound which kinde of dogges he much delighted in praying him likewise to be favourable on her side wherefore he gave judgement that the Woman that gave him the Grayhound was yâ— younger and so she won the supper of 20 s. which she perceiving came to him and said Sir I gave you a Pidgion pye and you promised the verdite should goe on my side to whom M. Hobson said of a truth good woman there came a Gray-hound into my house and eat up the pigeon pye so by that meanes I quite forgot thee 25. Of the pride of M. Hobsons wife MAster Hobsons wife carrying something a stately mind and delighting in
M. Hobson gets him an ill favoured Masty bitch almost starved and fills her belly with so much butter-milke and whay that sh◠〈◊〉 to burst so comming into the presencâ— on the mouth and nose that through the stopping of her winds and her belly being so overcharged with buttermilke that so strained her that 〈◊〉 filled all the Knights Chamber hereat ye Chamberlaine grew so angry that he said he would make old Hobson make it cleane or put hiâ— nose into it not so Chamberlaine said M. Hobson I will not take your office out of your hand for it is your duty to make cleane the chamber hereat the Knight laughed very heartily and so M. Hobson won the Wager of the Chamberlaine 32 How M. Hobson answered Musitians UPon a time M. Hobson lying in S. Albones there came certain Musitians to play at his chamber doore to the intent as they filled his eares with their musick he should fill their purses with money where when he had one of the servants of the Inne that waited upon him to goe and tell them that he could not then indure to heare their musick for he mourned for the death of his mother so the Musitians disappointed of their purpose went sadly all away The fellow heard him speake of mourning asked him how long agoe it was since he bured his mother truly qd M. Hobson it is now very neere forty yeeres agoe the fellow understanding very well his subtilty and how wittily he sent away the Musitians laughed very heartily 33 Of M. Hobsonâ— teaching a Cow to speake VPon a time M. Hobson being in company of a London Alderman and being merrily disposed took 〈◊〉 pounds of the said Alderman upon this câ—ndition that if he made not a Cow to spake in ten yeares and to read perfect English he would have for the same a hundred the match being made with in few dayes after came one of his Neighbours and said he was unwise and that he undertook a thing impossible that every body laughed hm to scorâ—â— to whom M. Hobson smiled and said neighbour I am nothing afraid of loosing my hundred for in the space of ten yeares either I the Cow or else M. Alderman may dye 34. M. Hobsons teaching his man to use money MAster Hobson had a servant so covetous and withall so simple witted that all the money he could get together hid in the Ground of the which M. Hobson having some intelligence â—ell a conjuring in this manner with a Wand he so belaboured my young man that he presently revealed where it lay the which sum of money M. Hobson tooke quite away all saving a small summe the which the poore fellow put to so good a use in bying and selling that in short time he greatly increased it When M. Hobson understood what he had done what good use he put his money to he said Sirra you can tell â—ow to use money anâ— learne to make prophet thereof I will restore to thee all againe and so he did which made the fellow ever after a good husband 35. How M. Hobson flouted a Jester VPon a time M. Hobson dined with a company of merry fellowes amongst whom there was one that found much fault with his merry jests and as the company â—at laughing and sporting together they asked one another which was the most reverent part of a mans body one said the eye and another said the nose another said the hand but M. Hobson said the mouth was the most reverent part Marry said the fellow that was the finde-fault the part that we sit on is ye most reverent part and because the company marvelled why he made this reason marry qd the fellow he is most reverent among the common people that is first still set which saying contented them all and caused much laughter amongst them and he that spoke it was not a little proud of his saying in that he had overcome as he thought in wit M. Hobson this passed on the next night following they were bidden againe to suprer to the same place where M. Hobson remembred the fâ—rmer jest of this scoffing fellow thereupon he turned his backside toward him and saluted him with a great fart against his face the fellow disâ—aning his rude salutation said ill nurtur'â— old Knave where wast thou brought up why disdainest thou this qd M. Hobson if I had saluted thee with my mouth thou wouldst have found fault as an inferiour part and now I greet thee with that part of my body which by thine own saying is the most reverent thou art displeased thus â—at M. Hobson againe the praise that he had lost before the poore fellow was laughed at of the whole company 36. Of M. Hobsons sore eyes and his answer to the Physitians UPon a time when M. Hobson had sore eyes another Physitian came to him thinking to have some recompence for his counsell warning him that he should in any case forbeare drinking or else by the same lose his eyes to whom M. Hobson said it is much more pleasure for me to lose my eyes with drinking then to keepe them for worms to eate them up Another time a Physitian came to M. Hobson and said Sir you looke well and grieâ—e at nothing and have a healthfull countenance Thus qd M Hobson for I have not to doe with any Physitians nor with Physick to whom he replyed Sir said he you have no cause to blame the Physitian for his Physick neâ—er did you hurt Thou sayest true qd M. Hobâ—on for if I had proved Physick I had not 〈◊〉 here alive Another Physitian came to him on a time and said Sir you be a veâ—y old man very true quoth M. Hobson for 〈◊〉 wert never my Physitian such manner of cheks and â—louts would he still give to them that spake to him of physick for in his life he neâ—er tooke any 37. How Master Hobson sold charmes for the Plague VPon a time in London when great plagues was suspected to come the common people went daily in great number to Physitians to prevent it M· Hobson seeing their simplicity and the doubt they had of Gods mercie went about to hinder the Physitians whereupon he not onely gave out speeches to his neghbours but in most parts of the City saying that he had little writings fast sealed up had such a vertue that whosoever bore it hanging about his neck 15. daies should not die of ye plague the foolish people trusting hereupon every one after his power gave him money for a â—â—rowle or writing sealed up with a thred of silke about it charging them that they should not open it till it hung about their necks for the space of fifteene daies for if they tooke it away afore that time it was of no vertue Within a while after the desire of folks was to know the contents of these writings so in opening of them they found these liâ—es writ yâ— womens charme for the plague was this Woman