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majesty_n call_v captain_n master_n 4,434 5 10.4502 5 true
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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A43170 Nugæ venales, or, Complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies. Head, Richard, 1637?-1686? 1675 (1675) Wing H1266; ESTC R30764 118,870 333

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very gentile in habit was brought by a Constable before a Justice late at night the Justice finding no matter of fact onely bare suspition in favour of her bid the Constable take her home to his house for that night that I shall do Sir says he if your worship will be pleased to comm●t my wife till the morning A Soldier being quartered at a Gun an unhappy shot came in at the Port-hole and took off his leg as he lay looking about him he saw his leg lye at some distance from him Prithee Ginner said he take it up and clap it into the Gun and send it among those roguing Dutch that it may kick their arses for the injury they have done its master THe same man had the fortune to loose in the following engagment not only the other leg but both his armes as he was carying down to the Chyrurgeon he called to his Captain Sir said he if you live and I live pray tell His Majesty that he hath a faithful subject who in his service hath lost both his Arms and Legs so that he is incapable to serve him further however he hath left a loyall heart which shall ever pray for the welfare of his Majesty A Tradesman one Morning going out about some business wanted a Pin for his Band the indulgent Wife hearing that ran to him very officiously and joyning her Belly close to his was a great while about his Collar by which means she observed some erection more then ordinary and thereupon pulls off his Band and takes him by the Shoulder saying you are in a fit condition to go abroad in are you not Come come along with me and so brought him up stairs into her Bed-Chamber where having staid a while she came down with him saying you may now Husband go where you please you need not be ashamed for you know I have drest you like a Civil Man A Doctor in a Coffee-house talking of many things happened at last to averr that all bitter things were naturally hot not so Mr. Doctor said a stander by why so said the Doctor why I 'le appeal to all that the learned Phisicall Authors ancient and modern from Noahs time to this present who all say the quallity of bitter things is hot how will it hold with this then Mr. Doctor said the other and I must appeal to experience that in a hard frost we say it is bitter sharp weather from whence I gather all bitter things are not hot THe same man a little time after in a Coffee-house hearing a Mercer bounce that he had all sorts of stuff what ever in his shop nay that I don't believe said this Gentleman for in your whole shop and Ware-house I don't think you can show me a pattern of Kitching stuff SIrrah said a Gentleman if thou drawest me good Wine for my Mony then thou art fitter to draw then to hang but if thou drawest me bad Wine for my good Mony then thou art fitter to hang then draw A Person one Sa●both day and that very lately went to the Queens Chappel more out of Curiosity then Devotion who having tired himself with the observation of Romish Ceremonies he went out of the Chappel and seeing Bills affixed to the Pillars drew near and as he was reading to himself a Matron like woman in very good Apparel came to him and askt him what he read Mistress said he this Bill signifies that a person being Sick desires to be pray'd for by such as come hither What is it I pray said this old Gentlewoman pretending Deafness and gathering up closer to him it is said he as aforesaid speaking lowder The third time she askt him the same question saying Sir excuse me I am very Deaf pray speak a little lowder which he did to satisfie her by this time she pickt his Pocket and having so done she dropt him a low Curtsy saying I hear you now Sir I give you many thanks for you have given me good satisfaction and so went her way out to his great dissatisfaction when he came home he could not find one cross in his Pocket AT that time when there was an Act that Canary should be sold for eighteen pence a quart a Gentleman in a Tavern called for a pint of that wine the Drawer brought up the pint not full by one fourth what mean you by this said the Gentlenman why is it not full said the Drawer no said the other not by one fourth Sir it was full I can assure you when I was in the Collar quoth the drawer but to tell you the truth as I came running up ●stumb●dion an Act of Parliament and so spilt what you see is wanting ONe being desired to eat some Oysters refused for these reasons first they were ungodly meat because they were ea●en without saying Grace unchristian meat because they were eaten a live uncharitable meat because they left no off●ll to the poor and unprofitable meat because most commonly there was more spent upon them then they cost and by their means more spent otherwise then they and the reckoning amounted too A Young Gentleman wanting a sum of mony went to a Scrivener desiring him to lend him an hundred pound privately that it might not come to his Fathers ear the Scrivener promised all the secrecy imaginable the Gentleman receiving the money and going to seal the Bond read the first line which was Know all Men by these presents that J. F. Gent. do owe unto c. said the young Gentleman are not you a damned Rogue who for the future will believe you since you promised none should know my debt and yet you say Know all men by these presents c. A Carter chanced to overturn his Cart far from any assistance so that the poor Fellow was forced to stand by till he could find somebody coming that way that might help him at length a Parson came and thinking to put a joke on the poor Carter said how now Carter what I see thou hast killed the Devil yes in faith master quoth he and I have waited two hours for a Parson to bury him and now you are come very seasonably A Lancashire man passing by the Watch at Ludgate they stopt him but he would not be stopt for he was in hast they still detaining him he askt them what they were The Watch said they the Watch quoth he what watch you for the King said they meaning the Kings watch for the King quoth he then by my troth I can bring very good witness that I am no such a man for I'es een Billy Noddy's Son of Lancashire A Porter coming home one night complained of the many burdens he carried that day the woman though but plain yet very handsome replyed well husband and I bear my share of burdens too though not so heavy le ts be content for as we share in the profit so we will reap the pleasure on 't A Gentleman being newly trimmed the Barbor left