Land-lady I hear you have a Flitch of Bacon sent you from Will 's Friends Fells That I have indeed Mr. Friendly and 't is as good as ever was cut with Knife And if you will please to come home at dinner time and eat a piece with an Egg you shall be very welcome It may be done homely but I 'le warrant you cleanly Friend By this light Land-lady I don't know a better Cook then thou art in all Christendom and here 's honest Tom has said so a thousand times Fells 'T is more your goodness than my desert to say so Sir I hope Mr. Faithfull you 'le take no notice of what I have said Faith No notice in the World Woman get Dinner ready wee 'le come in time Excunt omnes severally Scena quarta Enter Leticia Betty at a distance Let. My Servant I 'me afraid is something solitary where e're he is he cannot chuse but wonder what 's his fault my Fathers coming in disturb'd both him and me but here I have a Letter ready writ shall satisfie how well I love him and that my last anger onely was to trye him How sad a thing is Love when it wants liberty The Man I love is one that does deserve as much as Man may do but yet my Father says he that wants Money consequently wants Merit What shall I do in this extremity Love answers thus In having him I live in missing him I dye I must do Cupid Justice Betty Betty Madam Let. I 've work for you to do and such as you 'le take kindly can you find in your heart to carry this Letter to Mr. Lovewell Betty Faith Madam not contentedly if I thought it were not kind Pray Madam Commiserate the poor Gentleman you have enough for your self and him and twenty to attend you Let. I but my Father loves him not so well as thou dost He 'le not hear of him that has nothing answerable to my full fortune Betty May your Father go into another World then and let him live no longer to hinder the happiness of two such real Lovers Let. Away you Baggage carry your Letter and take this purse desire him to pay it where I order'd him then bring me word how he takes the Intelligence Betty I am gone Madam Exit Betty Let. Thou active god of Love prescribe a way To make me happy in a Marriage day Exit Scena quinta Enter Lovewell Friendly Faithful Love Prethee stand farther off thy breath stinks of Red-Herrings enough to stifle a man I 'm ready to run mad never was man so miserable Friend Why what 's the matter man Art clapt by some kind Companion or does thy Conscience accuse thee of living too long honest Faith Or has Sewell given a sad denial so that there 's no hopes of new Habit Love Gentlemen though nothing you guess at is the cause of my disconteâ—â— yet I can tell you that will trouble you there 's little hopes of your being tyred in new Trappings you may live still in your leather Linings and increase in Cattel Sewell proves inexorable as to you though kind to me Gentlemen mine are making 't is very true Gentlemen I wish the case were your own yet I have something still sticks worse upon my stomack Prethee stand further off thou 'lt stifle me with thy breath Friend Out upon you for a fretful fopp you have been trading with some three-half-penny Wench that 's sweetned with a penny-worth of Pomatum and now your Nose allows nothing else Love Prethee Friendly wilt thou tell me one thing Friend Faith I will Love But will you seriously Friend By this light I will Love Did you drink to day after your Dinner Friend The Devil 's in this Satyrical Fellow he pretends to be alwayes melancholy and then he 's most maliciously abusive Love Ha ha ha Faith Our bus'ness is like to be well carryed on between a couple of conceited Coxcombe If you can live with laughting at one another I would have you do nothing else if otherwise why don't we come to the business Hast thou perswaded the Taylor to provide us Tackle Love Come Gentlemen I 'le put you out of your pain What de' e think he says Friend De' e call this putting people out of their pain to set their brains upon the Rack to reade your dealings with a damn'd Taylor that no body knows where to find besides your self Prethee be serious but one minute and let 's be satisfi'd Love Why then I 'le tell you After I had taken a great deal of pains to find him and inquired at every House where they sold a seal'd quart for two pence Faith Well what then Love Why then I mist him And I assure you never saw him since I saw you Friend Faith you have taken a great deal of pains and made a mighty bustle to bring forth nothing Faith I 'le be hang'd if he has not been drunk ever since in a Chimney corner with some Weavers Wife without More-Gate and at last been beaten out by her Husband and that makes him melancholy Enter Betty Betty Your Servant Mr. Lovewell will you give me leave to speak one word in private with you Love Pretty Mrs. Betty I 'le wait on you instantly Pray dear Friends leave me now At Night I 'le meet you and give you I hope a good account of all our concerns Friend Ned Ned this won't do this is a little unkind you have had a share in a Mistress of mine e're now What need you make these pretences to put us off We know your meaning never mince the matter man she is a very pretty Wench I would I were with her where thou hast been Love I faith Franck she 's very civil Let me desire you to lay aside all thoughts to the contrary and you shall command me any thing Prethee leave me a little Faith Don't believe him Franck he 'l feign a hundred things to fobb us off but if I stir without a share in this prize I 'le be pegg'd to a post for boys to throw rotten Pears at Remember Ned you would not leave me one Morning when my Landress came to my Chamber Betty Sir I see you 're engag'd I 'm sorry I came at this unlucky time to trouble you Love Dear Mrs. Betty I beg your pardon I am but giving these two Bayliffs directions about a business that concerns me I shall have done in a minute Friend I have no more heart to go than a Man has to play at Dice the day before he 's to be hang'd Love Let me conjure you by all our Friendship not to offer me this most unmannerly affront You don't know what injury you do me Dear Friends desist she 's one that waits upon a person of Quality and a near relation of mine and not of that strain you take her faith she e'ant Faith What a pox ne're tell us this I ha' known you my self these dozen years and never see any thing with you
in the streets with Drunkards and so steal Hats and Perukes and begin to believe it a very pious way of living Ay and 't is very taking Faith And I 'm resolv'd to follow thee either fight filch padd or pimp and no longer suffer under the horrid persecutions of Poverty Both. So fate you well Sir fare you well Love If I thought you were such wretched Rascals as you are painfully making appear you should e'en pine in your poverty e're participate in my pious and I hope profitable design but I know yee better You hear Gentlemen that Young Leftwell is come of Age though not to Years of discretion Do you believe it a sin to bubble this abominable Brute out of a part of that ill got and like to be worse spent Estate Friend Faith Ned I think none at all but how to do it will require some time to consider on 't I could make shift to do it with the Dye but the Rogue has been so cautious of that from his Cradle that he swounds at the sight of them Faith Then Drinking will do nothing for a pint of Ale puts a Padlock upon his Pocket and you may as well perswade a Presbyterian Parson to Charity as him out of a penny there 's no way but to unlock his leachery by the sight of a fine soft Wench Love O hang him he was once in Love with his Uncle's Kitchin-Maid and as he calls it was crost in his affection and ever since the Fool faints at the sight of a Female Friend But good Clothes must first be thought on for you know we three are at present as a man may say in a very thread-bare condition which this Clod-pole hates worse than an Old Alderman does Hunting 'T is certain we shall never be receiv'd in this garb Ned cannot you get the old confiding man sweet Mr. Sowell to new suit us in order to this design with a large promise of sudden satisfaction Enter Leftwell and his Man Moses Love See where the Asse comes sadled in silk Let 's all put on sobriety and salute him Leftw Moses can you tye a shooe in the newest fashion Moses Sir I tyed your Fathers a fore you were born and peace be with him he never dislik'd it Leftw Come to then but have a care of my Corns good Meses How now Ned no new Clothes yet I would you were finer that you might be fitter for my Company Love I am sorry Sir that my ill garb commands me from your good Company Leftw Prethee Ned what are these Tatter-demallions that attend thee they look like men of the forlorn hope with half their Clothes taken off by small shot ' Slife there 's one has a hole shot through his Hat Love Friends of mine Sir that you would honour in acknowledging Friend Sir your most humble Servant I should be proud to be better acquainted Left Sir I don't know you nor desire to be better acquainted with you till you get better Clothes on your back There 's you and your Friend would serve for a couple of Scare-crows if you could get Credit for carriage into the Countrey I 'le plague that Fellow when I was poor he persecuted me Aside Faith Td's Death Lovewell I shall be constrain'd to kick him I cannot hold Love O by all means do and starve for 't Left Ned Lovewell how long have you known these Raggamuffins Love Why an 't please you Sir about a dozen years Left Alwayes in the same Clothes I warrant for less time sould never have taken 'em into so many pieces Do you ever lye with them Are their Shirts any better than their Suits Love You 're too great a Tyrant They are I assure you Sir Gentlemen of a very antient Family Left If their Family be as old as their Clothes 't is Antient indeed God by'e Gentlemen if ever I see you again I shall certainly dream of a Dung-hill Come along Moses Exeunt Left Moses Faith What a damn'd Rogue is this he has abus'd us beyond bearing Love Let him talk on I find now what will do it I 'le strait to serious Sowell and sollicite him to help us Meet me about seven a Clock at the Old House Both. Heavens bless thee with the spirit of effectual perswasion Excunt Omnes Scena Secunda Enter Leticia Fickle Betty in a Garden Let. Cousin Fickle thou hast some of the strangest humours in thee that ever Maid was mad withal Thou never lik'st a dress above half an hour nor a man more than half a day Thou art a meer Proteus and put'st thy self into as many shapes Thou hast been this one day in six several dresses and the last week lov'd and hated seven several Men. No body that knows thee believes thee any thing else but distracted We shall have thee e're long fall out with Life and dye for diversion Fick And thou art Dear Coz. as mad the other way thou hadst rather wear thy Clothes till they are mouldy then give thy Maid the trouble of a new tyring That garb and Gown you now go in is as well known as the Church and I believe you think it as durable for Betty sayes you never intend to change it Betty O fye Madam never trust me if ever I talked of your Ladyship at this unmannerly rate Let. Let her run on Wench I 'm certain she 'le be out of love with this way of talking quickly I 've a mind to see if she can continue a quarter of an hour in any one thing Fick Then Cousin thou art mad of one Man Thou hast lov'd a Fellow in foul Linnen I think he 's a Gentleman but what then thou hast lov'd him almost half a year which is a horrible thing to think on But I am weary of the Garden I 'le go talk of State-affairs to my old Uncle Good b'ye Coz. Exit Fickle Let. Go thy wayes Mad-cap I 'le undertake before my Father can turn about and talk two words she 'le be weary of the first and go to find new Company Betty I vow Madam she wearies me out of my little wits to pin and unpin Curles to add and diminish colour to new place the Pendants any sometimes at Noon day to put on Coyfes and Pinners I would to Heaven she were well marryed that I might not be pester'd But now I talk of Marriage pray Madam when did you hear from Mr. Lovewell Let. Not a great while Betty I 'm afraid I must wear the Willow I doubt he has left me what think'st thou Betty O Madam I dare swear he had rather lose his Eyes If that Man be not truly a Gentleman there 's no Gentility in being 'T is a thousand pities he 's poor In spight of his low garb he will look like himself I 'le tell you Madam when I have light him down stairs and I dare swear he has not had three shillings in his pocket he has put half a Crown into my hand when I was grieved to take
look like an honest Woman nor will believe this so though thou swear it by the soul of thy dead Father What an idle thing is this in you to perswade people to things so improbable that know the World as well as you do To go tell us that a Wench in this garb would be sent to a Gentlemans Chamber at this time o' th day if there want a design to do Fye fye Friend What harm will it do you Ned to let us have a little liberty with this pretty piece of Woman's flesh She 'le be as fit for you again to morrow as e're she was You know we are both sound Betty Your Servant Sir I 'le call some other time Love Mrs. Betty I 've but a little more to say now and they 'le be fully inform'd in my affairs Gentlemen either leave me or resolve to fight me for I would not endure to be thus affronted by my Father Have you forgot all Friendship Friend No hang ye I love you a little too well yet to fight with you for a Whore and so good buy to ye Faith 'T is very fine that we have liv'd thus long and must now be Hector'd out of a Wench I shall be quit with you Sir Love Gentlemen your Servant pray be careful in the bus'ness Both. We shall take care to requite you Ex. Friend Faithful Love Was ever man thus pester'd by a couple of Puppys Aside Now Mrs. Betty I 'm sorry I have been constrain'd by the tyranny of bus'ness to make you stay thus long Betty If it were much longer Sir I should not have believed it a trouble since 't is to serve you For I think I have a Letter here comes laden with Love if I thought it had not some body else should have been the Messenger for me for I hate to be concern'd in any thing that may diminish the content of a Gentleman This is the Letter and this Money my Lady desires you to pay where she has appointed Love Mrs. Betty I acknowledge my self much bound to you Reads SIR I Am sorry my Father fell so unhappily upon us that hinder'd my Conclusion which I intended as kind as I began cruel but however I appear'd then I am now as you have alwayes found me that unhappy but affectionately Yours L. P. As you love me receive what I have sent you Most blessed tydings Mrs. Betty pray be pleas'd to pay my humble service to your Lady and let her know I chearfully obey her Commands Betty I hope Sir she has laid no more upon you then you are able to bear Your obedient Servant Sir Love Your humble Servant Mrs. Betty Exit Betty This comes kindly and cuts off much of my care for I find my Mistress faithful and here 's Money to new-Clothe me and my two Friends Enter Runwell How now Runwell how dost thou hold out canst thou not find in thy heart to eat Run Sir I believe I should not run away from a piece of a Roasted Horse but let hunger be hang'd I defie it feed or fast I 'le never leave you while I live Sir Love Here 's Money for you when you have dyn'd step to Sewell the Taylor bid him come to me Run By this hand Sir if he refuse to come I 'le bring him on my back Exit Runwell Love Now will I set Sewell to work for me and my ill-clad Companions who I am sure have gratitude enough to take it kindly Then my young Squire I 'le try what may be done Where no game 's plaid there 's nothing can be won Exit Finis Actus primi Actus Secundus Scena prima Enter Pett Leticia Fickle Betty Pett BY my troth Girles you spoyl your selves with lying so long a bed it makes you look like a great-belly'd Woman that has lost her longing Betty I think I must give you a Commission to bang 'em up Betty I Vow Sir I think you must get some body else to beat me up too then for the Young Ladies have spoyl't me and made me ready to lye as long as they Fickle Uncle your Man has the worst way of dressing you in the World Sir he alwayes puts your Ruff on one way 'T is an errant shame to see a Man so long in one fashion as you have been Pett What art thou mad Coz There is but one way of putting on a Ruff unless you would have me wear the fore-part behind Fick Look here Sir is your Ruff ty'd as my Whisk is Pray Sir let me tye it I protest I 'le lay twenty shillings I tye it better than Old Ralph has done Pett I like it very well good Cousin if thou could'st like it to let it alone no body has found fault with it this twenty years besides thee But I know thou wilt never let me alone till thou hast done it therefore prethee dispatch me quickly She pulls off one of her Ribbons and tyes it Let. Did he receive it with such joy Aside Betty Joy He could have said or done no more had I come for to secure him of eternal happiness hereafter Fick I 'le be judg'd by all the World now if it be'nt handsomer by a hundred times it looks like any Cravat I vow Uncle if my Aunt were alive again she would a new fall in love with you Pett Why what hast thou done Cousin tyed up my Ruff like a shatter'd-brain'd Boy with a Tassel at my Chin Prethee give me my Point again A pox of your Cravats you shall never dress me more I 'le assure you here Leticia take it you and tye my Ruff and let her have her Ribbon Fick Well say what you will I 'm certain the Ribbon becomes you better than the Point Betty how thy Hood sits to day I dare be whipt if thou didst not dress thee without the Glass and this Whish sits all awry step up to my Cabinet I 'le lend you one of my lac'd ones Betty I thank you Madam I had as liff wear this to day Fick Well do then Uncle pray when comes my Cousin Lett 's Servant I long to see him Pett You 'le be dressing of him as soon as e're he comes within the doors I dare swear But to satisfie you the man that loves her and whom she must love if she loves me I expect to be here this Morning Fick Pray Sir is he Young or Old Pett Why Young very Young newly come of Age. Fick Is he a handsom man Sir Pett Very handsom I protest Cousin Fick Has he money enough Pett I my good Girle he has more money than twenty of the Whip-Jacks of this Town who walk about with a half-starv'd foot-boy that has fasted three dayes and never eats but when his Master treats a Wench Fick Indeed Sir Pett I indeed Cousin Let. She 'le weary my Father out of his wits Fick Is he good-natur'd Sir Pett I truly I believe the Man to be of a good principle and will be kind to a Wife Fick
Did he ever learn to Dance Uncle Pett I 'le answer thee no longer thou begin'st to be very impettinent Coz. Fick Will you walk in the Gallery then Sir Pett Any where so thou wilt promise me not to weary me with thy eternal rattle Exeunt omnes Scena secunda Enter Lovewell Friendly Faithfull in their Gallantry Love Come Gallants move with Majesty And shew your selves to the most advantage that may be Faithfull you are always looking upon your shooe-strings like a Prentice upon an Easter Holy-day Hold up your Head and look handsomly take your Gloves out of your pockets and put them on your Hands I 'm afraid if I should take this Rogue into Company I should be troubled to teach him the way to take off his Hat Friend Then the Rascals Peruke never stands the right way and he makes leggs so like a Logger-head that it would be suppos'd we took him out of a Mill where he had learnt to dance of a Malt-horse for there 's not a step that he takes in his new shooes but up comes a stone in the pavement Love I 'le undertake should he go into a Noble-mans Hall he would stamp a row of black and white marble to pieces in less than half a minute never Horse had such hoofs Friend And then he 's so great a Sloven that by that time he has worn these Clothes but three dayes they 'le be lac'd with all manner of liquour and as greasie as his old ones are that the Rats have since he left them off run away with Faith Talk on Gentlemen talk on Cloath me thus but once a Moneth and I 'le for ever allow you the same priviledge you now take of prating Forgive me dear Patron for I cannot choose but laugh at you and that idle fellow as a couple of very impertinent fopps Enter Leftwell and Moses Left Ned Lovewell how dost do Boy now I like thee now thou look'st like thy self Faith I was resolv'd to find thee out and to new-furnish thee at my own charge thou wilt not believe how sad I have been e're since I saw thee last Let me look round about thee faith 't is mighty rich prethee what did it stand thee in If I can serve thee in any thing as far as my small Estate goes 't is all at thy Service sweet Rogue Love And I 'le try you Sir since you 're in so good a humour Aside Sir I assure you you 'd do me an exraordinary kindness if you could furnish me and my two Friends with a hundred pounds for two or three dayes no longer Left Pox on him I thought he would not have fasten'd would my words were in again Aside Faith Ned if it will do thee a kindness I cannot tell how to deny it Here 't is with all my heart Love Upon my Honour I 'le see it safe return'd and esteem it a very great favour Friend Faith Sir you have done us a very considerable kindness and in requital command me any thing Left Sir if you ' Slife I shall be undone I was going to offer him as much more who would certainly have accepted it as the first Aside Sir I rejoyce I had it to serve you Faith Sir I hope we shall live to be gratefull and find a way to make you satisfaction for this more than ordinary favour Left Sir there needs none of this But let me tell you one thing without offence Faith No exception I assure you Sir Left Then faith I think you become your fine Clothes the worst of any man that ever wore such Faith I must confess Sir I want the way of wearing Clothes well I can afford to let you prate now but I 'le make your purse pay for 't Aside Left Ned Lovewell will you assist me in a design Faith I am going about to commit Matrimony Will you help to make Love to my Mistress I 'le assure you she 's the handsomest Woman within a hundred Mile of her and a Man that has the way of giving good words may win her heart as I am inform'd for I never saw her Love How do you know she 's so handsom then Left Why her Father sayes so and sweats he 'le swinge her if she refuse to fall in Love with me or likes any body else Friend What need you have any help then Your business is done to your hand Left That 's true Mr. Friendly but I would fain have it done by fair means and there 's Ned Lovewell knows how to work upon a Woman at will I would fain have him and you go to make up the Match For his part he 'le be company for nothing but the Horses we won't have him with us Faith I am heartily glad the Cur dislikes my Company since the profit I intend from him binds me from beating him Love Pray Sir where lives the Lady and what 's her name If we can do you any service wee 're both ready to wait on you Left Dear Ned that 's kindly said and like thy self and you Franck Friendly Friend Most willingly Left It 's old Pett's Daughter the East India Merchant he lives at Hackney Love Say you so Sir I doubt I shall set you besides the Saddle This falls out as I could wish This Fool making choice of me to keep him Company brings me to kiss the Hand of my fair Mistress and by that means to manage my affairs as I could wish Aside Left Come will you go Gentlemen I and my Man will walk before you you may easily overtake us for Moses is as stiff as a Tree Both. We will not fail to follow you Exit Left Moses Friend Lovewell how lik'st thou this The Fool comes on finely Love I have a design Franck in hand will make us all men You know he has made choice of us to be the means to make his Mistress love him The same Lady that he speaks of I have lov'd long and she has long lov'd me Friend Dear Ned proceed Love My fortune being spent before I thought on 't my Clothes decay'd and having little left me to repair my ruines all my proceedings since have been by Proxy excepting now and then a stoln visit over the Garden Wall which lately in attempting I was taken by her Father and turn'd out by Grooms which was the real cause of my late melancholy Friend Td's death then wee 're undone he 'le know you again and so we shall be us'd worse than you were before Faith Thy foolish fears Friendly have made us fail in many a fair design Do you think the old fellow will know him again that he saw before but in half a Peruke and not Clothes enough to cover him Love God-a-mercy Blunderbuss he bolts out sometimes to the purpose I 'le undertake Franck he knows me no more than I should the Grand Seignior if I saw him Friend So the young Squire shall be at the charge of all Entertainments till you have found a way to cheat him
have a care you put not all aside by your neglect my Father I 'm afraid will make all haste to expedite this Marriage In having you I venture all I have or hope for therefore have a little care extraordinary for her sake that loves you Love Let me not live under Heaven's light one minute after I forget the least of your Commands from whom I 've had such honours heap'd upon me Can you believe I can be such a Slave as to forget that thing is only able to compleat my happiness Let. I love to hear you say you love me and 't is because I do believe you do so Yet I am sad and shall be till I have escap'd the fears I live in of being forc'd by my too rigorous Father to be fetter'd to this fool of Men. Love Madam when they come back then we shall find how far they have proceeded by that we may know which way to order our affairs of which I shall not fail by Letters to acquaint you constantly Let. My Father will have such an eye over me that I 'm afraid I shall scarce er'e be out of 's sight He has been strangely Jealous and Inquisitive e're since he saw us in the Garden last though now I think he knows you not again therefore I doubt it will be very hard to have a Letter brought without his knowledge Love Betty and I have made a bargain will prevent all fear my Man is to pretend Marriage to her by which means he may still find admittance and make her sensible and she you of all my Actions and designs which will be weak indeed if not able to out-do all that your old Father and that Young Fool can e're contrive Let. I like that well Now Cousin Fickle how do you find the Gentleman Is he well fitted Have you look'd over his Linnen Fick How do you find your Friend Cousin Let Does he woe hard for Mr. Lovewell I doubt he has been about his own business I should like him the worse else and forget him I mean the Fool that threatned to beat me for advising him to wear lace about his sleeves Friend Shall I cut his tongue out for it Madam Fick For Heaven's sake do Mr. Friendly I 'le love you as long as I live if you will I believe Cousin my Uncle and he will make the match against to morrow Morning then thou art miserable faith rather then so let 's rise up before he comes Thou shalt Marry Mr. Lovewell and I 'le ee'ne take Mr. Friendly here Let. A match Cousin Mad-Cap but I doubt you can't keep your word nor live so long in one mind I protest if thou should'st I would sweare thou wert never true to any thing but Matrimony Friend Dear Madam let me kiss this hand for that kind contrivance Fick Nay one shan't mock t'other both or none Sir Friend Both a thousand times together but here they come Enter Pett and Leftwell Pett I am sorry we have made you stay thus long Gentlemen but Mr. Leftwell and I have done a good work since we went we have set an end to wooing Daughter you 're allow'd but two dayes to prepare for Marriage and making of Wedding Clothes I hope these Gentlemen will dance at the Wedding Left I faith Ned and Franck the Lady there must Marry me whether she will or no. Why you must Mistress for all you look so You two shall be my Bride-men shan't they Father Pett Pett What you please for that Son the Gentlemen look like civil men and will do very well Enter Servant Serv. Sir Dinner waits on your Worship Pett Come Gentlemen will you walk in Exeunt omnes Scena tertia Enter Faithful Clowt Goody Fells Faith Was ever Man made thus Drunk by a Cuckoldly Constable and an Old Apple-Woman Captain Clowt the Kings Constable lend me your Commanding Staff to lean upon Let me see you laid out all Clowt Not all Gammer Fells paid eleven pence towards the last Reckoning Faith Captain Clowt you 're a drunken Dog and I defie you and there 's an end o' th' Story therefore stand further off What place it this where are we Fells Why this is the Worshipful Justice Frump's House an Honourable Gentleman he is I hope he 'le hamper you i'faith If he don't set you in the Stocks for being drunk and put you into Prison for my Money he is not the Man I took him for Faith This Old Trot has not drunk her tongue out of rune yet You Hell-Cat with your Hoggs face I 'le so feague you with this faggot-stick Enter Stingey How now who 's this that looks as if he had been got between a starv'd Quaker and a Holy Sister behind the door of a Conventicle Come hither Sir let me see is your Nose made of Cheese Pulls him by the Nose Sting O O O. Faith O say you so Sir I see what e're your Nose is made of you have a tongue in your Head What white-liver'd logger-head are you Enter Frump Frump How now Cousin Clowt I see you are an honest man and careful in your Office Is this the Malefactor Clowt An 't like your Worship Sir this is the Man that made promise of Marriage to the Maid borrow'd her Money cheated the Mistress wore out her own Shift now does or lately did wear out her Husbands Shirt sinfully swore to pay her her Rent one night and shamefully run away without any regard to his Oath the next Morning There lyes the perjury an 't like your Worship Fells Good Mr. Clowt give me leave to speak in my own cause I think I understand the Law a little better than a Man that has not been above a Moneth in his Office Clowt Gammer Fells you 're a Fool in matters of Law you know little of that therefore I say that I ought being an Officer of State to have the priviledge of speaking before any Woman that wears a Head Frump Cousin Clowt go on let me have a full of the bus'ness that I may proceed to Sentence Faith Mr. Justice I shall wring you by the red Nose if you listen to that Logger-head any longer before you hear me speak Therefore let 's have a Bottle of Sack and so conclude the business Fells Bottles of Sack won't pay me my Rent nor repair my Linnen nor take up the Perjury and that 's the point I insist upon Faith Why you pernicious old Whore you wherein am I perjur'd Frump How de' e call Whore in the face of Justice Gammer Fells bring your Action I 'le bear you out on 't Sir I 'le tell you the Law as to matter o'th at But hold let us proceed to the first Indictment Stingey reade the Indictment Stingey Reades YOu stand here charg'd by the name of Thomas Faithfull at the Suit of Cicily Fells of the Parish of St. Giles's in the Fields in the County of Middlesex Widdow for Perjury and breach of promise to the Maid of the said Cicily
a sweet Rogue Have a kindness for him dear Mistress Love Ladies I fear if I had sung I should have made your Heads ake for all Mr. Leftwell's Commendations but let me beg the performance of your promise Madam Let. Prethee let 's have the Song you sung to us last night I like it very well Come no excuses but do it To Fick Fick Since Madam there 's no way to avoyd it I 'le obey your Commands But I hope Gentlemen you 'le not be angry with me for making a noise Love Pretty Mistress make an end of the Prologue and come to the matter Song Let. What say you Gentlemen how do you approve of my Kinswomans Voice Friend As I hope to live Madam your Voice would invite me from my Prayers to listen to it were I sure not to live above half an hour after Left P'shaw waw wherein is her Voice so good as to perswade you into an Opinion on 't I have heard a Hogg when a Mastiff Dog has hung at his Ear make better Musick I wish her Song were in her guts so we had one of Ned Lovewell's Friend Mr. Leftwell you do her wrong to say she Sings not well besides it calls your Judgment in question Left I think I should have as much Judgment in Singing as another Man for my Father taught me for two years together there is not an old Song that ever was made but I can sing it Let. Pray Mr. Leftwell will you oblige me and the rest of the Company with any one you can conveniently spare now we are in the Singing humour Left For thy sake my Sweet heart that is and my Wife that must be I will sing say or do any thing Friend Pray Sir Sing then she desires you that you would Betty O good Sir let 's hear your Song Left Not for your sake Mistress for you 're to be my Maid within these two dayes and shall I do any thing at the request of my own Servant No I scorn it Love But Madam Leticia your Mistress and I your Friend desire it pray Sir let 's live no longer in Expectation Leftwell Sings WHen as King Henry Rul'd this Land The Second of that Name Besides the Queen He dearly lov'd A Fair and Princely Dame Most Peerless was her c. Fick No more of your Ballad I protest my brains are ready to split I had rather be ty'd to a load of Iron and be drawn after it quite through London than hear your Servant sing such another Sonner Pett You 're a foolish Gitle this was one of the prettyest Songs in London when I came to Prentice first You don't know what a Song is Sing on Son Leftwell Sings Her Favour and Her Face A Sweeter Creature in the World Did never Prince Embrace Let. 'T is true the Song is good Sir but Mr. Leftwell's Voice is at present a little out of Tune and so if he pleases wee 'le have the rest another time Left Indeed I have got a kind of a Cold but when ever if thou hast a mind to hear it 't is all at thy Service When we two are abed together I 'le lull thee asleep every Night and wake thee every Morning with my Voice because I see thou delight'st in it Love Without doubt as much as I do to hear a little Boy beat upon a Bartholomew Drum A side Left Father I must be forc'd to take my leave of you I have a House to Let in Long-Acre that calls me away as a Man may say Nolens Volens from you Pett Nay pray Sir stay and take a small Supper here too you and your Friends shall be as welcome as I know how to make you ye shall have a good Bed and clean Sheets so much I dare promise you Left Nay if you promis'd a thousand things I must go when I have business to do and there 's an end of it and so your Servant Sir Good b'uy my Dear prethee don't take on I 'le be here again to morrow morning 'T is to no purpose to grieve you 'le get nothing by that but your labour for your pains in a manner Let me intreat you to take this parting partiently Let. Sir I 'le assure you I 'le keep my heart as whole as I can till I see you again Pett Gentlemen your Servant wee 'le wait on you to the Door Sir I hope you and your Friend will do my Son the kindness to undergo the Office of Bride-men Love Sir I shall be proud to have the honour of such Services Friend Sir I do equally esteem my happiness with his and will not fail to pay my due attendance Both. Your Servant Sir may you live long and happy Left Did you see my Man Moses Mrs. Betty Betty Yes he and old Ralph were drunk an hour before Dinner and are gone to sleep Left Pray when the Rogue wakes bid him rowl home after me Exeunt omnes praeter Betty Betty Now will I prepare my old Master to License my Young Lover to the freedom of Visiting me by which the whole design can't choose but take effect Assist us Cupid for thou know'st 't is fit Beauty and Youth should be rewards of wit Finis Actus Tertii Actus Quartus Scena prima Enter Lovewell Friendly Love FRanck the Fool comes on as I could wish h 'as sent me a Letter wherein he swears he loves me most monstrously some way we must find out to get more money from him the better to enable us to cheat him of his Mistress Friend My little Mad-Cap swears she 'le have me at the same time when you have yours And if her kindness but continue I shall believe my self a happy Man for as I live I love her infinitely But prethee let 's see Leftwell's Letter Love He 'le be here presently he sends me word but since you love to reade a well-penn'd Letter this is it Sir Friendly Reades AFter my hearty Commendations my love remembred unto you c. I desire that you would prepare your self and get Franck to do the same viz. to be my Bride-men for my Mistress vows she will not have me unless I can get you to be as good as your word I would not have you fail me for five hundred pounds for if you do I shall lose a Wife worth ten Thousand And so I rest Your Dutiful Friend Leftwell Here 's an Epistle with a pox did ever man see such a Puppy Love But now suppose we should pretend our Chambers were robb'd when we went with him to Hackney of the Money that should have furnisht us with Clothes and necessaries to have attended at his Wedding What say'st Wilt do well Friend By this light nothing like it is he to meet you here Love So the Messenger said Friend I 'le immediately put my self into a melancholy posture but I 'm afraid thou 'lt never counterfeit well Love O! feat not that Hold here comes the Cuckco let 's seem not to see him Enter
Leftwell Moses They pretend not to see him but walk discontentedly over the Stage Left Why Ned why Franck why Franck why Ned You see I 'm not worse than my word I 'm just for Hackney now the Wedding Clothes are gone before once more I beg you not to fail me Love I Sir would willingly perform what Service my ability can reach to and so I 'm certain would Franck here but Left But what why what 's the matter Man Why thou art grievous Melancholy Prethee tell me what 's the matter Friend Alas Sir 't will but trouble you to hear your Friend's misfortunes Love For my part Sir I grieve not at my own I could laugh at them but that I should fail you it makes me almost mad Left Prethee dear Ned tell me what 's the matter I protest you make tears stand in my eyes let me know the cause quickly or I shall cry out-right I would not I protest for a thousand pounds you should fail me I shall lose such a fortune I shall never have again Love That 's the greatest of my grief that you my Friend from whom I have found such favours should be so great a loser in my ill luck 'Sdeath I could kill my self Left O for the love of God good Gentlemen as you love me and as you love your Mistresses let me know what troubles you I protest I 'le tear my Periwigg to pieces else Ned Lovewell will you tell me or no or I will tear Love Dear Friend put on your Periwigg to see you in this passion adds to my sorrow and should I tell you now I know your good nature would lead you to repair our losses which I hate the very thought of knowing how far we are already engag'd to your Liberality Friend The Coxcomb I find will be wrought upon Dear dissimulation how I love thee Aside Left Never speak of that man if Money will make up the matter ne're be melancholy I have just now receiv'd two hundred Guineys for the Fines of four Houses Love But with what confidence can I do this Pray Sir pardon me Left By this hand either let me know what 't is that troubles ye and take my Money to make up the matter or I 'le ne're come near you more though I know I shall lose my Mistress by it I thought you had had more kindness for me than to hinder me thus of a Fortune now you have woo'd her for me Love Well Sir since nothing will satisfie you the case is thus That day we went with you to Hackney our Lodgings were broke ope and robb'd of all our lac'd Linnen and almost two hundred pounds besides so that we shall want Money and all things else to furnish us to do you Service in that garb we willingly would had not this strange misfortune hinder'd our Intentions Left P'shaw and is this all Look here 's all the Money I have about me I 'le send Moses home for more Love Alas dear Sir half this will serve pray pardon me but since you 'le have it so Left Why should it not be so I say it shall be so Go home Moses fetch the Purse that lyes behind the Cabinet I 'le away to Hackney you 'le come on Thursday before nine a Clock Love Sir wee 'le be there before you are up I warrant you I do assure you I know not what to say that may in the least make satisfaction for so great a favour Friend Sir I am equally unhappy in the want of words to express my gratitude Left Pugh I can't Complement you have got it and much good may it do you and so farewell Exit Leftwell Friend Dear Ned let me spit in thy Mouth for thy Ingenuity faith 't was very well done Love As I live it went against my Conscience all the while I was about it and I strangly wonder I went so well through with it to wheadle a Man out of his Money and cheat him of his Mistress too 't is enough to damn an honest Man to do it and make a wise Man mad to undergo it Friend 'T were honest in no case but this for this is but easing of a Brute with half a Soul of a few of his Fathers sins and besides if we get these Fortunes we may pay him his Money again Then for his Mistress if she were his as she 's yours you do a deed of Charity to preserve her from being bound to a Fool besides Love Enough enough Franck these Reasons are sufficient to resettle my struggling Conscience Friend But now what 's to be done as to the Ladies they live in expectation of relief from us and I long to know a way to send it them Love I 've made Runwell our Agent here and we shall have by him the Course we are to steer The Ladies will give full directions by him Enter a Messenger Friend Friend lyes your bus'ness with any here Mess I have a Letter for one Mr. Lovewell Love I am the Man whence comes it Mess The Letter Sir will give you satisfaction Exit Mes Friend 'T is Faithful's Character I think Lovewell Reads Dear Ned WHen this Letter finds you come to my Relief as soon as you can for I am cram'd into a little Room in New Prison where I am like to be over-run with Lice and stifled with stinking Tobacco Tell Franck Friendly that I was taken upon a Warrant at the Suit of our Landlady Fells for Rent and committed by one Justice Frump but the Keeper sayes hee 'le let me out upon any Bail provided I pay my Fees So fail not dear Friend with all speed to rescue Your Servant Thomas Faithfull Friend O that damn'd Justice he once committed me for pissing under his Window Love Prethee Franck leave prating and let 's haste to help the poor Rogue Friend Was there ever such a Toothless Trot as this who the Devil put it into her mind But let 's stay no longer Exeunt Scena secunda Enter Leticia Fickle and Betty Let. Cousin Fickle there is nothing in the World makes me admire more than to see thee so long in one mind that thou should'st love one Man two dayes together is little less than a Miracle Fick And nothing but a Miracle can make me miss him as we have laid the Plot. If they come according to our appointment wee 'le be Married two hours before my Uncle and the intended Bride-groom are awake but should I miss him to Morrow I 'de have him the next place I meet him in My Uncle cannot hinder me though he may you nor shall from marrying any Man that I affect Let. O Coz that I were but in thy Condition and as free from the fear of a Father but I Vow my heart begins to fail me if we play this trick to Morrow when he misses us hee 'le certainly run stark mad and turn me off without a penny Portion Fick Dear Girle fear not that he may be angry for a Moneth or
so but no longer for he has never another Child Nature will engage him to come about again and give thee all hee 'le be as kind as ever never fear it However wilt thou weigh thy Fathers anger in comparison with the loss of gentile Mr. Lovewell Let me dye if I am not ashm'd to see thee have such idle fears Let. The Scene is strangely alter'd when thou com'st to counsel any body to Love and Constancy but Coz dost think thou canst continue this humour till to Morrow Fick Leave your tatling for I question your resolution more than you need mine I could find in my heart not to let you go to Bed to Night lest you should lye too long in the Morning Let. Nay I will never be out-done by thee in point of promise I will be up and ready to meet him go and be immediately Married to him though I turn Seamstress for my Living Therefore come along Girle Fick Said like thy self sweet Coz if it be done to Morrow wee 'le laugh one Day let what will follow Let. Have you fully instructed Betty that she may satisfie Mr. Lovewell's Man the time and place they are to meet us in You know I left all that to your care has she the Letter for him Fick To th' full fear not let 's in and put our Jewels up for if the Old Man proves unkind they may stand thy Friends I 'm sure he must pay me my Portion Ex. ambo Enter Runwell Betty Mr. Runwell I have got such a bundle of bus'ness here will make you mad to carry it and your Master mad with joy to hear it Tell him and Mr. Friendly that the Ladies desire their Companys by four a Clock to morrow Morning at the corner of our back-gate with a Coach But here 's two Letters which if you give your Masters will save you the trouble of telling a long Story So pray be careful and farewell Run Mrs. Betty Mrs. Betty unless you pity me my Master has utterly undone me Betty Why what 's the matter man Run Here he has set me to wooe in jest and I 'm in love in earnest Unless you think you can love me I am bound to wish I had never seen you for I find in my self I cannot live without you Betty O if that be all leave it to me and as I find your care in your Masters concerns so you shall find my love towards you if you are in earnest Fare you well Sir Exit Run This is short and sweet it savours something of kindness but what I should do with a Wife if I had one I can no more tell than a Taylor knows how to make a Horse-shooe And yet I love this little Rogue so well that I must have her though Ruine were sure to follow however I hope my Master when he has got his Mistress will help us out at a dead lift But I must make haste Exit Scena tertia Enter Pett Ralph and Betty Pett Ho! where are you Ralph is the Cook come Ralph Yes Sir Pett Bid him come to me Betty do you get Mrs. Snuff the House-Keeper to make the Wedding Bed she knows what belongs to such matters and look that the Hangings in the Matted Room be brusht down and the Chare-Woman rub the rest of the Rooms Let every thing be done in Order Enter Cook Pray Mr. Lard look that every thing you undertake be done decently spare for no cost but call for every thing you want I would not be niggardly at the Wedding of my only Child Has Mr. Plume the Poulterer sent the Cram'd Capons the tame Pidgeons and the Partridges And Betty step to the Butler and see whether he has Bottel'd the two Tearces of Claret and the half Pipe of Canary Pray look about you and let every thing be done that may adorn the House Cook Sir let me have but Meat enough and things convenient to carry on the work of the day if I don't lick my fingers after the French Mode and make sawce as well as any Man of my Profession let me be put into Pye-Crust and sent a Sacrifice to the unappeas'd Stomacks of unsatiate Serving-men Betty Sir I 'le see that every thing be ready to your satisfaction as far as I 'm concern'd and look that the Bride be drest before Eight of the Clock or the Cook shall cut me into Steaks and Stew me Pett God-a-mercy good Girle get thee about thy business then for thou hast a great deal to do Exit Betty Mr. Lard question not but you shall have every thing to furnish out a Feast for the Entertainment of a King Command what 's necessary for the Kitchin Cook Let me alone then I 'le warrant your Worship Exit Enter Leftwell Left Good Morrow Father pray how does your Head Pett Very well Son pray why do you ask Left Only to be satisfy'd Sir because mine akes and turns round as if 't were about to look for another seat and would take leave of my shoulders why there is not a pair of hands in the House but what 's in motion to make as much noise as they can all the great Guns in a Sea-fight sing treble in comparison of the Thundring base that Reigns in every Room here Pray Sir what 's your design in this Do you intend to make me mad before I 'm Married Pett No Sir but I have a design to have my House set in Order and to make provision for those that shall entertain you and your Bride to Morrow and do you think this can be done without noises I warrant you would have had the Victuals sent to the next door to be drest and so brought through the Street to the Table Pray Son if the noise be so troublesome to you let you and I go to the back-side of the House and play a game at Tables are you for Irish or Back-gammon Left No Sir I have sworn never to throw a Dye more though I have plaid at Dublits and losing Lodum before now but I have quite left off Gaming I care not if I go up stairs and see my Mistress A Man goes in danger of his life here below I by chance look'd but into the Kitchin and one of the Cooks took me for a Calf I believe and in spight of my teeth would needs spit me Then my shins have been broke three times to day by stragling Stools that stept out of the places they stood in this seven years and lay now where I never look'd for ' em I had like to have had my face washt too by the Fellow that cleans the Wainscoat his Cloath was within an ace of my Nose Pett Well Son there is no help for these things but since you have made choice of your Mistress for your Protectress you may find her and my Niece Fickle together at the Chamber at the end of the long Gallery Exeunt severally Scena quarta Enter Lovewell Friendly Faithfull Squeeze the Gaoler as in
a Prison Love How now Tom Revelling Faith O are you come By your favour fellow Pris'ners I must spoil the Dance Friend Garry this Crown to the poor Pris'ners farewell Friend Are you fully satisfy'd Squeez He is discharg'd and may go when he pleases Friend Lord Ned how this Fellow looks Let me see what does he look like Love Why faith he looks like a poor Whore turn'd out of an Inns of Court half drunk at four a Clock in the Morning Friend Or like a Gipsie that has been let down a Chimney and drawn up again with a Gammon of Bacon at her Breech Faith Why Gentlemen had you been where I was it would have made you look a little uglier than ordinary Love If thou wert but a little uglier than ordinary as thou say'st a man might endure to look on thee Tom but as I live thy Face looks just of the colour of a Red-herring and thy hands like a Saylers that have been steept two dayes in Tarr and Tallow And any body will swear by thy Linnen thou hast robb'd a French Lacquey Friend This Fellow stinks so of Tobacco that there is no way to make him smell sweet and look like a man but to take him down to the Thames and have him drawn twice or thrice cross the Water at the tail of a Sculler Faith Say you so Signior Snowt if you bee'nt smoak-dry'd in the same place before you have washt your Hands for to morrow's Dinner I 'le be bound to hang for you Friend Why was there ever such a simple sot as thou art To have money in thy pocket and be sent to Prison for fourteen shillings Why the Devil did you not pay it but it may be you had a mind to see the Lodging you must last live in Love If you had given her the money she had no more to do with you one would imagine you want brains as well as money but perhaps you 've a fancy to be lowsie But wee 'le let that pass Look here 's more money Tom. Faith What from the same hand Ladds Friend This is nothing there is that in hand will make us all happy Faith If that which is in hand won't I don't know what will come what designs have you let me know all Friend Come wee 'le trust you for once we two are to be married to morrow to two of the greatest Beauties and Fortunes within twenty miles Enter Runwell Faith Where and to whom dear Rogues tantalize me no longer Love Faith Tom I don't know yet my self but here comes one I believe will better inform me what news Runwell Run Sir I must have leave to take breath before I can tell my tale you must be by four a Clock to morrow morning and Mr. Friendly with you at the Corner But here 's a Letter will fully inform you and here 's one for you Sir Love By this hand Franck I 'm afraid to look into mine lest there should be less in it than I expected Friend I 'm under the same sence of fear prethee Ned open thine and put me out of pain Love 'T is better to know a man's Fate than fear it I 'le venture Reades SIR BE sure you fail not to meet me and Mr. Friendly my Cousin Fickle at the Corner of our Garden in the green Meadow about four of the Clock to Morrow Morning Provide your Parson ready at some Church in London that may do the bus'ness without delay My Consin is as well resolv'd for Mr. Friendly as I am for you Your Servant L. P. Postscript Pray send back your Man that he may be with Betty so if the bus'ness should fail he may be able to help us Love Mine is Franck as I could wish how sounds thine Friend There 's all the harmony of love in 't but Ned what shall we do for a Levite Faith Leave that to me I 'le provide Old Legit the Reader who is in Orders and will do the bus'ness as fast as a Bishop and tye you together to Eternity And I can borrow the Keyes of the Sexton of St. Giles's for less than five shillings and a full Flaggon of mild Beer Therefore bear up Boys Love You 're sure you can do this if you fail us wee 're all undone Friend Consider Tom our bus'ness is your own for as the case stands with us so it does with you either happy or miserable Faith Trouble your self no further if I fail one of you shall have my Ears and t'other my eyes So farewel Friends I 'le about it instantly Exit Faithfull Love Run you back to Betty and stay there till you hear from me Run I flye Sir Exit Runwell Love Franck go you and provide the Coach and I 'le make every thing else ready meet me to night at the Devil Tavern there wee 'le stay till two a Clock and so set forward Friend I 'le not fail Exeunt Scena quinta Enter Leftwell Leticia Fickle Betty Let. I should take it very kindly Mr. Leftwell if you would go now and give me leave to go to bed Fick Your Bride will never get up to morrow morning to be married if you keep her up so late to night Pray Mr. Leftwell leave us Left I won't go till I please may'nt I do what I will if I have a mind to 't with my own Wife I believe my Father would give me leave to lye with her to night if I askt it Betty What before you are married That would be a sight worth seeing indeed I'faith if you won't go down Mr. Leftwell I shall make bold to beat you down with the Bed-staffs What I 'm sure my Old Master did not send you up to day at Noon to see us a bed Will you be gone and give my Mistress leave to go to Bed I shall beat you down with the Bed-staff else Let. Holdâ— Betty don't beat him wee 'le perswade him civilly Pray Mr. Leftwell be Civil and do not undertake to stay longer where it cannot be allow'd of with modesty Fick Lord Sir is your Stomack so great that you can't stay till to morrow Night and so take lawful Possession but press in in an illegall manner into a place a day before you have a priviledge I assure you the World will think you want wit strangely in attempting it Left Well if I don't go down and do your Etrand to my Father Mistress let me live lowsie and dye upon a Dung-hill For your part I shall turn you out of Service to Morrow To Betty night like a sawcy Slut as you are And I 'le beat your sweet-heart till his bones rattle in his skin I swear by my Sword I 'le squeeze him like a Turnip between two Trenchers and there 's a word for all Exit Leftwell Let. Now hee 's gone let 's not trouble our selves to talk of him but make provision for the Morning's Adventure 'T is now almost twelve and you know they 'le be at the back-gate by four a
and Betty Thou art the only lost Sheep of the Company here have a care thou wilt blunder over some body prethee be careful take me by the hand Friend I should be happy if I had it hold is not this it Love What do you think Friend Faith I don't know very well but I 'le feel for the Roman T. that will satisfie me the truth on 't Love One would have thought the spirit of Jokeing had been drencht out of you in the Horse-pond but here 's the hand of your fair Mistress Friend I here 's a hand indeed makes me forget all wet and cold and fear of future Storms Fick But if you stay much longer here in your wet Breeches you 'le remember wet and cold again in spight of your Antidote and I 'm so wet with dew that unless you make haste I shall dye before I 'm Married and so be put upon ugly work in the other World you have heard the Proverb and besides you will lose my Portion which is no poor one Let. Prethee dear Coz let 's stand no longer in the cold tatling of Estates but haste to the Coach have you brought one Love I and four Horses that will hurry us to London and a Levite that will do the business we shall be there by five a Clock Fick I but we shall not get into the Church so soon Love The Sexton has provided a Bottle of Wine and some other things for your diversion till seven a Clock at which time you will be mist here and the work will be doing there Let. Let 's away to the Coach then Betty 't is something lighter now you may easily find the way back and be sure you remember your instructions you know where to send to me so fare thee well good Girle Betty I vow Madam I must weep at parting though you are going about to do that business I have alwayes wished you but assure your Ladyships I 'le serve you both to the utmost of my power and so the god of Love preserve and prosper your proceedings Love Friend Pretty Mrs. Betty your Servants Ex. omnes Scena secunda Enter Gammer Fells Clowt and Mold the Sexton Fells I charge you Neighbour Mold make a Confession before Mr. Clowt the Kings Constable of what you told me last Night as you and I sat in the Chimney Corner at my House drinking a dram or two of Brandy by the same token you took the Bottle out of my hand whilst I did something but that 's no matter Clowt Neighbour Mold discharge the part of a good Christian and clear your Conscience by making your Confession to a Constable of the Kings who is a Member of State Indeed you may object though I am one of the Kings Constables you are one of his Sextons too true it is so and that is in part satisfaction for it is unnatural for one Member to persecute another so if the business were only 'twixt you and I 't were easily made up But here 's my Neighbour Fells truly a Woman that understands the World has been wickedly dealt with has a great deal of Money due to her and much linnen worn out has lain long in wait for one of the Men that she sayes nay she swears Neighbour Mold you told her was to come to your House this Morning from thence to go to Church to be Married Therefore I command you in the Kings Name to speak the truth Fells Or else I 'le have a Petition to have you before Justice Frump Clowt How a Petition Gammer Fells you have forgot all your Law as if you had never had any A Suppina Woman a Suppina that 's the only way A Petition I cannot forbear laughing I tell you you cannot do it any other way but by a Suppina Ha Gammer Fells you have not so good a Head-piece as you had formerly Well well Age Age. Enter Lovewell Friendly Leticia and Fickle Love Now my dear Mistress we are safe from all our fears this is the Sexton's House there wee 'le repose a little then to Church Fells Are you come i'faith Sir Seize on him Mr. Constable in the Kings Name this is the other Rogue that ow'd me Money and forswore himself Come bring them all away for Mr. Clowt if one body in a Company be perjur'd all the rest are guilty and must stand in the Pillory with him Clowt Gammer Fells 't is very true you 're in the right in that case so I command you all in the Kings Name to come away with me Love Mistress if any body here owes you any thing I 'le pay you presently five times as much if that will be any satisfaction pray put us to no trouble for wee 're about earnest business Fells You say honestly Sir pray be as good as your word and let me have but thirty shillings and I 'le discharge you for I love a Gentleman as I do my life Love Here 's your Money so fare you well Clowt Hold Sir hold how shall I be discharg'd by the King for the perjury You must go fore Justice Frump and stand the Tryal Love Why who in the Company is perjur'd Pray Mr. Constable ben't so impertinent but let us go about our business Clowt Why that is that Gentleman and you being in his Company are with all the rest equally concern'd So I command you come away in the Kings Name Fells That 's true indeed the perjury is not discharg'd bring them away there 's no remedy I would it were in my power to do you any good Come Neighbour Clowt bring 'em along I 'm afraid you 'le lye by 't Love I 'le not go along with you not shall any of the Company This Old Bawd has couzen'd me of some Money and I believe you intend to cheat me of more Clowt Offer to draw I 'le knock down your Wench here will you come on quietly in the Kings Name Friend Mr. Constable here 's five pounds let us but pass now and wee 'le promise to meet you to Morrow Morning Fells I wish he would i'faith if he takes it I shall tell Justice Frump and see how he 'le take it perhaps he 'le cheat the King too Come come Mr. Clowt the Law lyes not in your Hands if I live I 'le see 'em laid up and if you don't look to your Office look to your self shall People be perjur'd and go unpunished Let. Why good Woman what are you concern'd your debt is satisfy'd Fells Is it so Goody Gillyflurt with your face full of patches you shall know that I am not satisfy'd 't is such as you make poor Men they can't pay their Debts where have they pickt up you and that Puppet your Companion I 'le have you where you shall give an account of your selves and what business you have with these Men. Love You abominable old Bawd I 'le kick you till you curse your own Blaspheming tongue Clowt How Do you kick an Antient House-Keeper before the face
Leftwell There can be no trick put upon me forsure they 're all together Left within I 'm here Sir is the House clear Is there no danger Pett Prethee where art Man Left I am here in some place I don't know what you call it but 't is where the cold Meat and the Kitchin-stuff stands Pett What are you lockt in the Larder Left I Sir the Larder Betty lockt me in two hours ago I thank her she sav'd my life by 't but now I hope you 'le let me out Pett Moses unlock the door Enter Leftwell Left O Father we have been in such a fright since you went you were no sooner gone but comes Ned Lovewell and Franck Friendly with a full Resolution to kill me but Betty sav'd my life I heard them carry away your Cousin and your Daughter whom I believe verily they 'le kill for my sake and that will be a sad thing but better them than I. Pett This was a trick a design I find it now too late Enter to them Lovewell Leticia Friendly Fickle Runwell and Betty Sir I was sending after you 't is well you have brought my Family home again Love With all Humility we beg your Blessing as your Son and Daughter Left Ned Lovewell I'faith I 'm glad thou hast got her now you will let me live at quiet I hope and I 'le forgive you all the Money I lent you I 'le ee'ne strike in with Betty Pett What have you got my Daughter there If you have an Estate to keep her 't is well you shall have none of me therefore get you out of my sight Love Sir your Sentence is very severe will you please but to hear me Pett No Sir I have heard and seen too much of you already but there 's your way out and you may take your Lady with you for she shall ne're come here again Fick Pray Mr. Lovewell before you go will you hear me my Uncle can't hinder me of my Fortune part of which is at your Service Pett No Gossip it shall ne're be said that my Daughter was beholden to you for her maintenance Mr. Lovewell I know you 're a Gentleman and I find you 're Ingenious but as you have no Estate if I could have hinder'd it you should not have Marry'd her but I will be satisfi'd since I see 't is decreed I am imform'd too you have behav'd your self handsomly and honestly and in that believe my Daughter not quite cast away My Blessing be upon you both and I 'm apt to believe you 'le use her well which I doubt whether Leftwell would have done Cousin I wish you joy your Portion shall be paid you when you please and if you learn to be thrifty you may be happy Love May Heaven Sir reward your kindness with continual joy and may I live no longer than that day when I forget to pay you most obedient Service Friend Sir I hope in a little time to let you see the Fruits of our labour and am resolv'd to make you a great Uncle as soon as my Friend Lovewell shall a Grand-sire Fick O Sir these liberal promisers are alwayes short pay-masters Pett How do you intend to dispose of your self Mr. Leftwell after your great fright Left Why I desire you 'de give me leave to Marry your Maid a Man may have her without danger of being Murder'd and I have alwayes had a mind to her Pett Betty come hither give me your hand I 'le make the Match it shall be done to Morrow Morning Betty Now my Mistress is provided for I begin to love my self so well that I cannot find in my heart to refuse a good Fortune though it come by a Fool whom I believe I can baste into submission Aside Sir it shall be as you command Run I 'm not a whit sorry I ha' lost my Mistress since I see she 's better provided neither will I despair of making my Fortune by her favour out of this Asse Aside Enter Faithfull Faith Gentlemen and Ladies your Servant hearing that all things and parties are agreed I 've brought some Friends of mine that resolve to give you a Song and a Dance Friend Honest Tom 't is kindly done and they will I believe be very acceptable to all the good Company but wee 'le Dance our selves if your Friends as you call them will but strike up I wish thou hadst a Mistress too to make thy happiness equal ours Faith Mine wants but little on 't for I 'm resolv'd to live as well as you now you two are rich I 'le ne're be poor Friend Thou art ours for ever Tom. Love But he should keep his Hands clean then Faith What won't Marriage tame you Still abusive I must stop your Mouths with Musick Musick playes and Dance Pett All excellent good i'faith very good indeed pray Son and Nephew walk in and leade your Wives to Supper for it grows near that time for Betty's sake you shall be welcome too Mr. Leftwell Left Nay I care not for whose sake it is so I have but enough I shall be very well satisfy'd Come Sweeting Friend If we had been unhappy in the loss of our Mistresses now I should have grown almost out of love with Honesty Love O there 's nothing like it Let all that would do ill be rul'd by me For by this President you plainly see Fate still reserves rewards for Honesty Exeunt omnes FINIS EPILOGUE NOw Gallants your result we fain would know Whether you Judge it fit to live or no This truth wee 'le say to mitigate its Crime It is his first made in a fortnight's time A Critick for that Reason ought to give If not a Pardon surely a Reprieve 'T would be high Tyranny for to inveigh In cruel terms against an Infant Play But if your Laws all mercy do deny Hee 's sure to have relief in equity He appeals thither as his proper Sphear Nor can he be compelled to appear In any other Court but could he by perswasions draw You to be kind in equity and Law And see it sign'd with all your hands hee 'le be Though now but weak your's in Maturity