THE MEASURES AND OFFICES OF FRIENDSHIP WITH RULES of conducting it To which are added Two Letters written to persons newly changed in their Religion The second Edition By JER TAYLOR D. D. Dion Orat. 1. de Regno 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 LONDON Printed by J.G. for R. Royston at the Angel in Ivie-lane 1657. A DISCOURSE OF THE Nature and Offices OF FRIENDSHIP In a Letter to the most Ingenious and Excellent M.K.P. MADAM THe wise Bensirach advised that we should not consult with a woman concerning her of whom she is jealous neither with a coward in matters of warre nor with a merchant concerning exchange and some other instances he gives of interested persons to whom he would not have us hearken in any matter of Counsel For where ever the interest is secular or vitious there the bias is not on the side of truth or reason because these are seldome serv'd by profit and low regards But to consult with a friend in the matters of friendship is like consulting with a spirituall person in Religion they who understand the secrets of Religion or the interior beauties of friendship are the fittest to give answers in all inquiries concerning the respective subjects because reason and experience are on the side of interest and that which in friendship is most pleasing and most useful is also most reasonable and most true and a friends fairest interest is the best measure of the conducting friendships and therefore you who are so eminent in friendships could also have given the best answer to your own inquiries and you could have trusted your own reason because it is not onely greatly instructed by the direct notices of things but also by great experience in the matter of which you now inquire But because I will not use any thing that shall look like an excuse I will rather give you such an account which you can easily reprove then by declining your commands seem more safe in my prudence then open and communicative in my friendship to you You first inquire how far a Dear and a perfect friendship is authoriz'd by the principles of Christianity To this I answer That the word Friendship in the sense we commonly mean by it is not so much as named in the New-Testament and our Religion takes no notice of it You think it strange but read on before you spend so much as the beginning of a passion or a wonder upon it There is mention of Friendship with the world and it is said to be enmity with God but the word is no where else named or to any other purpose in all the New Testament It speaks of Friends often but by friends are meant our acquaintance or our Kindred there latives of our family or our fortune or our sect something of society or something of kindnesse there is in it a tendernesse of appellation and civility a relation made by gifts or by duty by services and subjection and I think I have reason to be confident that the word friend speaking of humane entercourse is no other-wayes used in the Gospels or Epistles or Acts of the Apostles and the reason of it is the word friend is of a large signification and means all relations and societies and whatsoever is not enemy but by friendships I suppose you mean the greatest love and the greatest usefulnesse and the most open communication and the noblest sufferings and the most exemplar faithfulnesse and the severest truth and the heartiest counsel and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable But then I must tell you that Christianity hath new christened it and calls this Charity The Christian knowes no enemy he hath that is though persons may be injurious to him and unworthy in themselves yet he knowes none whom he is not first bound to forgive which is indeed to make them on his part to be no enemies that is to make that the word enemy shal not be perfectly contrary to friend it shall not be a relative term and signifie something on each hand a relative and a correlative and then he knows none whom he is not bound to love and pray for to treat kindly and justly liberally and obligingly Christian Charity is Friendship to all the world and when Friendships were the noblest things in the world Charity was little like the Sun drawn in at a chink or his beams drawn into the centre of a Burning-glasse but Christian charity is Friendship expanded like the face of the Sun when it mounts above the Eastern hills and I was strangely pleas'd when I saw something of this in CICERO for I have been so push'd at by herds and flocks of people that follow any body that whistles to them or drives them to pasture that I am grown afraid of any Truth that seems chargeable with singularity but therefore I say glad I was when I saw Laelius in Cicero discourse thus Amicitia ex infinitate generis humani quam conciliavit ipsa natura contracta res est adducta in angustum ut omnis charitas aut inter duos aut inter paucos jungeretur Nature hath made friendships and societies relations and endearments and by something or other we relate to all the world there is enough in every man that is willing to make him become our friend but when men contract friendships they inclose the Commons and what Nature intended should be every mans we make proper to two or three Friendship is like rivers and the strand of seas and the ayre common to all the world but Tyrants and evil customes wars and want of love have made them proper and peculiar But when Christianity came to renew our nature and to restore our lawes and to increase her priviledges and to make her aptnesse to become religion then it was declared that our friendships were to be as universal as our conversation that is actual to all with whom we converse and potentially extended unto those with whom we did not For he who was to treat his enemies with forgivenesse and prayers and love and beneficence was indeed to have no enemies and to have all friends So that to your question how far a Dear and perfect friendship is authoriz'd by the principles of Christianity The answer is ready and easie It is warranted to extend to all Mankind and the more we love the better we are and the greater our friendships are the dearer we are to God let them be as Dear and let them be as perfect and let them be as many as you can there is no danger in it onely where the restraint begins there begins our imperfection it is not ill that you entertain brave friendships and worthy societies it were well if you could love and if you could benefit all Mankind for I conceive that is the summe of all friendships I confesse this is not to be expected of us in this world but as all our graces here are but imperfect that is at the best
friendships are nothing but love and society mixt together that is a conversing with them whom we love now for whatsoever we can love any one for that we can be his friend and since every excellency is a degree of amability every such worthinesse is a just and proper motive of friendship or loving conversation But yet in these things there is an order and proportion Therefore 2. A Good man is the best friend and therefore soonest to be chosen longer to be retain'd and indeed never to be parted with unlesse he cease to be that for which he was chosen 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Where vertue dwells there friendships make But evill neighbourhoods forsake But although vertue alone is the worthiest cause of amability and can weigh down any one consideration and therefore to a man that is vertuous every man ought to be a friend yet I doe not meane the severe and philosophicall excellencies of some morose persons who are indeed wise unto themselves and exemplar to others by vertue here I doe not meane justice and temperance charity and devotion for these I am to love the man but friendship is something more then that Friendship is the nearest love and the nearest society of which the persons are capable Now justice is a good entercourse for Merchants as all men are that buy and sell and temperance makes a Man good company and helps to make a wise man but a perfect friendship requires something else these must be in him that is chosen to be my friend but for these I doe not make him my privado that is my speciall and peculiar friend but if he be a good man then he is properly fitted to be my correlative in the noblest combination And for this we have the best warrant in the world For a just man scarcely will a man die the Syriac interpreter reads it 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 for an unjust man scarcely will a man die that is a wicked man is at no hand fit to receive the expression of the greatest friendship but all the Greek copies that ever I saw or read of read it as we doe for a righteous man or a just man that is justice and righteousnesse is not the nearest indearment of friendship but for a good man some will even dare to die that is for a man that is sweetly disposed ready to doe acts of goodnesse and to oblige others to doe things usefull and profitable for a loving man a beneficent bountifull man one who delights in doing good to his friend such a man may have the highest friendship he may have a friend that will die for him And this is the meaning of Laelius Vertue may be despised so may Learning and Nobility at una est amicitia in rebus humanis de cujus utilitatc omnes consentiunt onely friendship is that thing which because all know to be usefull and profitable no man can despise that is 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 goodnesse or beneficence makes friendships For if he be a good man he will love where he is beloved and that 's the first tie of friendship 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 That was the commendation of the bravest friendship in Theocritus They lov'd each other with a love That did in all things equal prove 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 The world was under Saturns reign When he that lov'd was lov'd again For it is impossible this neernesse of friendship can be where there is not mutuall love but this is secured if I choose a good man for he that is apt enough to begin alone will never be behind in the relation and correspondency and therefore I like the Gentiles Letany well 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Let God give friends to me for my reward Who shall my love with equal love regard Happy are they who when they give their heart Find such as in exchange their own impart But there is more in it then this felicity amounts to For 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the good man is a profitable usefull person and that 's the band of an effective friendship For I doe not think that friendships are Metaphysical nothings created for contemplation or that men or women should stare upon each others faces and make dialogues of newes and prettinesses and look babies in one anothers eyes Friendship is the allay of our sorrowes the ease of our passions the discharge of our oppressions the sanctuary to our calamities the counsellour of our doubts the clarity of our minds the emission of our thoughts the exercise and improvement of what we meditate And although I love my friend because he is worthy yet he is not worthy if he can doe no good I doe not speak of accidentall hinderances and misfortunes by which the bravest man may become unable to help his Child but of the naturall and artificiall capacities of the man He onely is fit to be chosen for a friend who can doe those offices for which friendship is excellent For mistake not no man can be loved for himself our perfections in this world cannot reach so high it is well if we would love God at that rate and I very much fear that if God did us no good we might admire his Beauties but we should have but a small proportion of love towards him and therefore it is that God to endear the obedience that is the love of his servants signifies what benefits he gives us what great good things he does for us I am the Lord God that brought thee out of the land of Egypt and does Job serve God for nought and he that comes to God must believe that he is and that he is a rewarder all his other greatnesses are objects of fear and wonder it is his goodnesse that makes him lovely and so it is in friendships He onely is fit to be chosen for a friend who can give me counsel or defend my cause or guide me right or relieve my need or can and will when I need it doe me good onely this I adde into the heaps of doing good I will reckon loving me for it is a pleasure to be bloved but when his love signifies nothing but kissing my cheek or talking kindly and and can goe no further it is a prostitution of the bravery of friendship to spend it upon impertinent people who are it may be loads to their families but can never ease my loads but my friend is a worthy person when he can become to me instead of God a guide or a support an eye or a hand a staffe or a rule There must be in friendship something to distinguish it from a Companion and a Countryman from a School-fellow or a Gossip from a Sweet-heart or a Fellow-traveller Friendship may look in at any one of these doors but it stayes not any where til it come to be the best thing in the world and when we
consider that one man is not better then another neither towards God nor Man but by doing better and braver things we shall also see that that which is most beneficent is also most excellent and therefore those friendships must needs be most perfect where the friends can be most useful For men cannot be useful but by worthinesses in the several instances a fool cannot be relyed upon for counsel nor a vitious person for the advantages of vertue nor a beggar for relief nor a stranger for conduct nor a tatler to keep a secret nor a pittiless person trusted with my complaint nor a covetous man with my childes fortune nor a false person without a witnesse nor a suspicious person with a private design nor him that I fear with the treasures of my love But he that is wise and vertuous rich and at hand close and mercifull free of his money and tenacious of a secret open and ingenuous true and honest is of himself an excellent man and therefore fit to be lov'd and he can do good to me in all capacities where I can need him and therefore is fit to be a friend I confesse we are forced in our friendships to abate some of these ingredients but full measures of friendship would have full measures of worthinesse and according as any defect is in the foundation in the relation also there may be imperfection and indeed I shall not blame the friendship so it be worthy though it be not perfect not onely because friendship is charity which cannot be perfect here but because there is not in the world a perfect cause of perfect friendship If you can suspect that this discourse can suppose friendship to be mercenary and to be defective in the greatest worthinesse of it which is to love our friend for our friends sake I shall easily be able to defend my self because I speak of the election and reasons of choosing friends after he is chosen do as nobly as you talke and love as purely as you dream and let your conversation be as metaphysical as your discourse and proceed in this method till you be confuted by experience yet till then the case is otherwise when we speak of choosing one to be my friend He is not my friend till I have chosen him or loved him and if any man enquires whom he shall choose or whom he should love I suppose it ought not to be answered that we should love him who hath least amability that we should choose him who hath least reason to be chosen But if it be answered he is to be chosen to be my friend who is most worthy in himself not he that can do most good to me I say here is a distinction but no difference for he is most worthy in himself who can do most good and if he can love me too that is if he will do me all the good he can that I need then he is my friend and he deserves it And it is impossible from a friend to separate a will to do me good and therefore I do not choose well if I choose one that hath not power for if it may consist with the noblenesse of friendship to desire that my friend be ready to do me benefit or support it is not sense to say is is ignoble to desire he should really do it when I need and if it were not for pleasure or profit we might as well be without a friend as have him Among all the pleasures and profits the sensual pleasure and the matter of money are the lowest and the least and therefore although they may sometimes be used in friendship and so not wholly excluded from the consideration of him that is to choose yet of all things they are to be the least regarded 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 When fortune frowns upon a man A friend does more then money can For there are besides these many profits and many pleasures and because these onely are sordid all the other are noble and fair and the expectations of them no disparagements to the best friendships For can any wise or good man be angry if I say I choose this man to be my friend because he is able to give me counsell to restrain my wandrings to comfort me in my sorrows he is pleasant to me in private and usefull in publick he will make my joyes double and divide my grief between himself and me For what else should I choose For being a fool and uselesse for a pretty face or a smooth chin I confesse it is possible to be a friend to one that is ignorant and pitiable handsome and good for nothing that eats well and drinks deep but he cannot be a friend to me and I love him with a fondnesse or a pity but it cannot be a noble friendship 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 said Menander By wine and mirth and every dayes delight We choose our friends to whom we think we might Our souls intrust but fools are they that lend Their bosome to the shadow of a friend 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Plutarch calls such friendships the Idols and Images of friendship True and brave friendships are between worthy persons and there is in Mankind no degree of worthinesse but is also a degree of usefulnesse and by every thing by which a man is excellent I may be profited and because those are the bravest friends which can best serve the ends of friendships either we must suppose that friendships are not the greatest comforts in the world or else we must say he chooses his friend best that chooses such a one by whom he can receive the greatest comforts and assistances 3. This being the measure of all friendships they all partake of excellency according as they are fitted to this measure a friend may be counselled well enough though his friend be not the wisest man in the world and he may be pleased in his society though he be not the best natured man in the world but still it must be that something excellent is or is apprehended or else it can be no worthy friendship because the choice is imprudent and foolish Choose for your friend him that is wise and good and secret and just ingenuous and honest and in those things which have a latitude use your own liberty but in such things which consist in an indivisible point make no abatements That is you must not choose him to be your friend that is not honest and secret just and true to a tittle but if he be wise at all and usefull in any degree and as good as you can have him you need not be ashamed to own your friendships though sometimes you may be ashamed of some imperfections of your friend 4. But if you yet enquire further whether fancy may be an ingredient in your choice I answer that fancy may minister to this as to all other actions in which
there is a liberty and variety and we shall find that there may be peculiarities and little partialities a friendship improperly so called entring upon accounts of an innocent passion and a pleas'd fancy even our Blessed Saviour himself loved Saint John and Lazarus by a speciall love which was signified by special treatments and of the young man that spake well and wisely to Christ it is affirmed Jesus loved him that is he fancied the man and his soul had a certain cognation and similitude of temper and inclination For in all things where there is a latitude every faculty will endeavour to be pleased and sometimes the meanest persons in a house have a festival even sympathies and naturall inclinations to some persons and a conformity of humours and proportionable loves and the beauty of the face and a witty answer may first strike the flint and kindle a spark which if it falls upon tender and compliant natures may grow into a flame but this will never be maintainde at the rate of friendship unless it be fed by pure materials by worthinesses which are the food of friendship where thse are not men and women may be pleased with one anothers company and lie under the same roof and make themselves companions of equall prosperities and humour their friend but if you call this friendship you give a sacred name to humour or fancy for there is a Platonic friendship as well as a Platonic love but they being but the Images of more noble bodies are but like tinsell dressings which will shew bravely by candle-light and do excellently in a mask but are not fit for conversation and the material entercourses of our life These are the prettinesses of prosperity and good natured wit but when we speak of friendship which is the best thing in the world for it is love and beneficence it is charity that is fitted for society we cannot suppose a brave pile should be built up with nothing and they that build Castles in the aire and look upon friendship as upon a fine Romance a thing that pleases the fancy but is good for nothing else will do well when they are asleep or when they are come to Elysium and for ought I know in the mean time may be as much in love with Mandana in the Grand Cyrus as with the Infanta of Spain or any of the most perfect beauties and real excellencies of the world and by dreaming of perfect and abstracted friendships make them so immateriall that they perish in the handling and become good for nothing But I know not whither I was going I did onely mean to say that because friendship is that by which the world is most blessed and receives most good it ought to be chosen amongst the worthiest persons that is amongst those that can doe greatest benefit to each other and though in equal worthinesse I may choose by my eye or ear that is into the consideration of the essential I may take in also the accidental and extrinsick worthinesses yet I ought to give every one their just value when the internal beauties are equal these shall help to weigh down the scale and I will love a worthy friend that can delight me as well as profit me rather then him who cannot delight me at all and profit me no more but yet I will not weigh the gayest flowers or the wings of butterflies against wheat but when I am to choose wheat I may take that which looks the brightest I had rather see Thyme and Roses Marjoram and July-flowers that are fair and sweet and medicinal then the prettiest Tulips that are good for nothing And my Sheep and Kine are better servants then Race-horses and Greyhounds And I shall rather furnish my Study with Plutarch and Cicero with Livy and Polybius then with Cassandra Ibrahim Bassa and if I doe give an houre to these for divertisement or pleasure yet I will dwell with them that can instruct me and make me wise and eloquent severe and usefull to my self others I end this with the saying of Laelius in Cicero Amicitia non debet consequi utilitatem sed amicitiam utilitas When I choose my friend I wil not stay till I have received a kindnesse but I will choose such an one that can doe me many if I need them But I mean such kindnesses which make me wiser and which make me better that is I will when I choose my friend choose him that is the bravest the worthiest and the most excellent person and then your first Question is soon answered to love such a person and to contract such friendships is just so authorized by the principles of Christianity as it is warranted to love wisdome and vertue goodness beneficence and all the impresses of God upon the spirits of brave men 2. The next inquiry is how far it may extend That is by what expressions it may be signified I find that David and Jonathan loved at a strange rate they were both good men though it happened that Jonathan was on the obliging side but here the expressions were Jonathan watched for Davids good told him of his danger and helped him to escape took part with Davids innocence against his Fathers malice and injustice and beyond all this did it to his own prejudice and they two stood like two feet supporting one body though Jonathan knew that David would prove like the foot of a Wrestler and would supplant him not by any unworthy or unfriendly action but it was from God and he gave him his hand to set him upon his own throne We find his parallels in the Gentile stories young Athenodorus having divided the estate with his Brother Xenon divided it again when Xenon had spent his own share and Lucullus would not take the Consulship till his younger brother had first enjoyed it for a year but Pollux divided with Castor his immortality and you know who offer'd himself to death being pledge for his friend and his friend by performing his word rescued him as bravely and when we find in Scripture that for a good man some will even dare to die and that Aquila and Priscilla laid their necks down for S. Paul and the Galatians would have given him their very eyes that is every thing that was most dear to them and some others were neer unto death for his sake and that it is a precept of Christian charity to lay down our lives for our brethren that is those who were combined in a cause of Religion who were united with the same hopes and imparted to each other ready assistances and grew dear by common sufferings we need enquire no further for the expressions of friendships Greater love then this hath no man then that he lay down his life for his friends and this we are oblig'd to do in some Cases for all Christians and therefore we may doe it for those who are to us in this present and imperfect state of things that
which all the good men and women in the world shall be in Heaven that is in the state of perfect friendships This is the biggest but then it includes and can suppose all the rest and if this may be done for all and in some cases must for any one of the multitude we need not scruple whether we may doe it for those who are better then a multitude But as for the thing it self it is not easily and lightly to be done and a man must not die for humour nor expend so great a Jewel for a trifle 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 said Philo we will hardly die when it is for nothing when no good no worthy end is served and become a Sacrifice to redeem a foot-boy But we may not give our life to redeem another unlesse 1. The party for whom we die be a worthy and an useful person better for the publick or better for Religion and more useful to others then my self Thus Ribischius the German died bravely when he became a Sacrifice for his Master Maurice Duke of Saxony Covering his Masters body with his own that he might escape the furie of the Turkish Souldiers Succurram perituro sed ut ipse non peream nisi si futurus ero magni hominis aut magnae rei merces said Seneca I will help a dying person if I can but I will not die my self for him unlesse by my death I save a brave man or become the price of a great thing that is I will die for a Prince for the republick or to save an Army as David expos'd himself to combat with the Philistin for the redemption of the host of Israel and in this sense that is true Praestat ut pereat unus quā Unitas better that one perish then a multitude 2. A man dies bravely when he gives his temporall life to save the soul of any single person in the Christian world It is a worthy exchange the glorification of that love by which Christ gave his life for every soul Thus he that reproves an erring Prince wisely and necessarily he that affirms a fundamental truth or stands up for the glory of the Divine attributes though he die for it becomes a worthy sacrifice 3. These are duty but it may be heroick and full of Christian bravery to give my life to rescue a noble and a brave friend though I my self be as worthy a man as he because the preference of him is an act of humility in me and of friendship towards him Humility and Charity making a pious difference where art and nature have made all equall Some have fancied other measures of treating our friends One sort of men say that we are to expect that our friends should value us as we value our selves which if it were to be admitted will require that we make no friendships with a proud man and so far indeed were well but then this proportion does exclude some humble men who are most to be valued and the rather because they undervalue themselves Others say that a friend is to value his friend as much as his friend values him but neither is this well or safe wise or sufficient for it makes friendship a meer bargaine and is something like the Countrey weddings in some places where I have been where the bridegroom and the bride must meet in the half way and if they fail a step they retire and break the match It is not good to make a reckoning in friendship that 's merchandise or it may be gratitude but not noble friendship in which each part strives to out-do the other in significations of an excellent love And amongst true friends there is no fear of losing any thing But that which amongst the old Philosophers comes nearest to the right is that we love our friends as we love our selves If they had meant it as our Blessed Saviour did of that generall friendship by which we are to love all mankind it had been perfect and well or if they had meant it of the inward affection or of outward justice but because they meant it of the most excellent friendships and of the outward significations of it it cannot be sufficient for a friend may and must sometimes do more for his friend then he would do for himself Some men will perish before they will begge or petition for themselves to some certaine persons but they account it noble to do it for their friend and they will want rather then their friend shall want and they will be more earnest in praise or dispraise respectively for their friend then for themselves And indeed I account that one of the greatest demonstrations of reall friendship is that a friend can really endeavour to have his friend advanced in honour in reputation in the opinion of wit or learning before himself Aurum opes Martial l. 8. ep 18. rura frequens donabit amicus Qui velit ingenio cedere rarus erit Sed tibi tantus inest veteris respectus amici Carior ut mea sit quam tua fama tibi Lands gold and trifles many give or lend But he that stoops in fame is a rare friend In friendships orbe thou art the brightest star Before thy fame mine thou preferrest far But then be pleased to think that therefore I so highly value this signification of friendship because I so highly value humility Humility and Charity are the two greatest graces in the world and these are the greatest ingredients which constitute friendship and expresse it But there needs no other measures of friendship but that it may be as great as you can expresse it beyond death it cannot go to death it may when the cause is reasonable and just charitable and religious and yet if there be any thing greater then to suffer death and pain and shame to some are more insufferable a true and noble friendship shrinks not at the greatest trials And yet there is a limit even to friendship It must be as great as our friend fairly needs in all things where we are not tied up by a former duty to God to our selves or some pre-obliging relative When Pollux heard somebody whisper a reproch against his Brother Castor he killed the slanderer with his fist that was a zeal which his friendship could not warrant Nulla est excusatio si amici causâ peccaveris said Cicero No friendship can excuse a sin And this the braver Romans instanced in the matter of duty to their Countrey It is not lawful to fight on our friends part against our Prince or Countrey and therefore when Caius Blosius of Cuma in the sedition of Gracchus appeared against his Countrey when he was taken he answered that he loved Tiberius Gracchus so dearly that he thought fit to follow him whithersoever he led and begg'd pardon upon that account They who were his Judges were so noble that though they knew it no fair excuse yet for the honour of friendship they did not
significations of it that is it is no prejudice to the duty I owe there to pay all the dearnesses which are due here and to friends there are some things due which the other cannot challenge I meane my secret and my equal conversation and the pleasures and interests of these and the consequents of all Next to this is the society and dearnesse of Brothers and Sisters which usually is very great amongst worthy persons but if it be considered what it is in it self it is but very little there is very often a likenesse of naturall temper and there is a social life under the same roof and they are commanded to love one another and they are equals in many instances and are endeared by conversation when it is merry and pleasant innocent and simple without art and without design But Brothers passe not into noble friendships upon the stock of that relation they have fair dispositions and advantages and are more easie and ready to ferment into the greatest dearnesses if all things else be answerable Nature disposes them well towards it but in this inquiry if we aske what duty is passed upon a Brother to a Brother even for being so I answer that religion and our parents and God and the lawes appoint what measures they please but nature passes but very little and friendship lesse and this we see apparently in those Brothers who live asunder and contract new relations and dwell in other societies There is no love no friendship without the entercourse of conversation Friendships indeed may last longer then our abode together but they were first contracted by it and established by pleasure and benefit and unlesse it be the best kind of friendship which that of Brothers in that meer capacity is not it dies when it wants the proper nutriment and support and to this purpose is that which was spoken by Solomon better is a neighbour that is near Prov. 27.10 then a Brother that is far off that is although ordinarily Brothers are first possessed of the entries and fancies of friendship because they are of the first societies and conversations yet when that ceases and the Brother goes away so that he does no advantage no benefit of entercourse the neighbour that dwells by me with whom if I converse at all either he is my enemy and does and receives evill or if we converse in worthinesses and benefit and pleasant communication he is better in the lawes and measures of friendship then my distant Brother And it is observable that Brother is indeed a word of friendship and charity and of mutual endearment and so is a title of the bravest society yet in all the Scripture there are no precepts given of any duty and comport which Brothers that is the descendents of the same parents are to have one towards another in that capacity and it is not because their nearnesse is such that they need none For parents children are neerer and yet need tables of duty to be described and for Brothers certainly they need it infinitely if there be any peculiar duty Cain and Abel are the great probation of that and you know who said Fratrum quoque gratia rara est It is not often you shall see Two Brothers live in amity But the Scripture which often describes the duty of Parents and Children never describes the duty of Brothers except where by Brethren are meant all that part of mankind who are tied to us by any vicinity and indearment of religion or country of profession and family of contract or society of love and the noblest friendships the meaning is that though fraternity alone be the endearment of some degrees of friendship without choice and without excellency yet the relation it self is not friendship and does not naturally infer it and that which is procured by it is but limited and little and though it may passe into it as other conversations may yet the friendship is accidental to it and enters upon other accounts as it does between strangers with this onely difference that Brotherhood does oftentimes assist the valuation of those excellencies for which we entertain our friendships Fraternity is the opportunity and the preliminary dispositions to friendship and no more For if my Brother be a fool or a vitious person the love to which nature and our first conversation disposes me does not end in friendship but in pity and fair provisions and assistances which is a demonstration that Brotherhood is but the inclination and addresse to friendship and though I will love a worthy Brother more then a worthy stranger if the worthinesse be equal because the relation is something and being put into the scales against an equal worthiness must needs turn the ballance as every grain will do in an even weight yet when the relation is all the worthinesse that is pretended it cannot stand in competition with a friend for though a friend-Brother is better then a friend-stranger where the friend is equal but the Brother is not yet a Brother is not better then a friend but as Solomons expression is there is a friend that is better then a Brother and to be born of the same parents is so accidental and extrinsick to a mans pleasure or worthinesse or spiritual advantages that though it be very pleasing and usefull that a Brother should be a friend yet it is no great addition to a friend that he also is a Brother there is something in it but not much But in short the case is thus The first beginnings of friendship serve the necessities but choice and worthinesse are the excellencies of its endearment and its bravery and between a Brother that is no friend and a friend that is no Brother there is the same difference as between the disposition and the act or habit a Brother if he be worthy is the readiest and the nearest to be a friend but till he be so he is but the twi-light of the day and but the blossome to the fairest fruit of Paradise A Brother does not alwayes make a friend but a friend ever makes a Brother and more And although nature sometimes finds the tree yet friendship engraves the Image the first relation places him in the garden but friendship sets it in the Temple and then only it is venerable and sacred and so is Brotherhood when it hath the soul of friendship So that if it be asked which are most to be valued Brothers or friends the answer is very easie Brotherhood is or may be one of the kinds of friendship and from thence onely hath its value and therefore if it be compared with a greater friendship must give place But then it is not to be asked which is to be preferred a Brother or a Friend but which is the better friend Memnon or my Brother For if my Brother sayes I ought to love him best then he ought to love me best * Ut praestem Pyladen aliquis mihi praestet Oresten Hoc
non fit verbis Marce ut ameris ama Mar. l. 6. ep 11. if he does then there is a great friendship and he possibly is to be preferred if he can be that friend which he pretends to be that is if he be equally worthy but if he sayes I must love him onely because he is my Brother whether he loves me or no he is ridiculous and it will be a strange relation which hath no correspondent but suppose it and adde this also that I am equally his Brother as he is mine then he also must love me whether I love him or no and if he does not he sayes I must love him though he be my Enemy and so I must but I must not love my Enemy though he be my Brother more then I love my Friend and at last if he does love me for being his Brother I confesse that this love deserves love again but then I consider that he loves me upon an incompetent reason for he that loves me only because I am his Brother loves me for that which is no worthinesse and I must love him as much as that comes to and for as little reason unlesse this be added that he loves me first but whether choice and union of souls and worthinesse of manners and greatnesse of understanding and usefulnesse of conversation and the benefits of Counsel and all those endearments which make our lives pleasant and our persons Dear are not better and greater reasons of love and Dearnesse then to be born of the same flesh I think amongst wise persons needs no great enquity For fraternity is but a Cognation of bodies but friendship is an Union of souls which are confederated by more noble ligatures My Brother if he be no more shall have my hand to help him but unlesse he be my friend too he cannot challenge my heart and if his being my friend be the greater nearnesse then friend is more then Brother and I suppose no man doubts but that David lov'd Jonathan far more then he lov'd his Brother Eliab One inquity more there may be in this affair and that is whether a friend may be more then Husband or Wife To which I answer that it can never be reasonable or just prudent or lawfull but the reason is because Marriage is the Queen of friendships in which there is a communication of all that can be communicated by friendship and it being made sacred by vowes and love by bodies and souls by interest and custome by religion and by lawes by common counsels and common fortunes it is the principal in the kind of friendship and the measure of all the rest And there is no abatement to this consideration but that there may be some allay in this as in other lesser friendships by the incapacity of the persons if I have not chosen my friend wisely or fortunately he cannot be the correlative in the best Union but then the friend lives as the soul does after death it is in the state of separation in which the soul strangely loves the body and longs to be reunited but the body is an uselesse trunk and can do no ministeries to the soul which therefore prayes to have the body reformed and restored and made a brave and a fit companion so must these best friends when one is useless or unapt to the braveries of the princely friendship they must love ever and pray ever and long till the other be perfected and made fit in this case there wants onely the body but the soul is still a relative and must be so for ever A Husband and a Wife are the best friends but they cannot alwayes signifie all that to each other which their friendships would as the Sunne shines not upon a Valley which sends up a thick vapour to cover his face and though his beams are eternall yet the emission is intercepted by the intervening cloud But however all friendships are but parts of this a man must leave Father and Mother and cleave to his Wife that is the dearest thing in Nature is not comparable to the dearest thing of friendship and I think this is argument sufficient to prove friendship to be the greatest band in the world Adde to this that other friendships are parts of this they are marriages too lesse indeed then the other because they cannot must not be all that endearment which the other is yet that being the principal is the measure of the rest and are all to be honoured by like dignities and measured by the same rules and conducted by their portion of the same Lawes But as friendships are Marriages of the soul and of fortunes and interests and counsels so they are brotherhoods too and I often think of the excellencies of friendships in the words of David who certainly was the best friend in the world Ecce quam bonum quam jucundum fratres habitare in unum It is good and it is pleasant that Brethren should live like friends that is they who are any wayes relative and who are any wayes social and confederate should also dwell in Unity and loving society for that is the meaning of the word Brother in Scripture It was my Brother Jonathan said David such Brothers contracting such friendships are the beauties of society and the pleasure of life and the festivity of minds and whatsoever can be spoken of love which is Gods eldest daughter can be said of vertuous friendships and though Carneades made an eloquent oration at Rome against justice yet never saw a Panegyrick of malice or ever read that any man was witty against friendship Indeed it is probable that some men finding themselves by the peculiarities of friendship excluded from the participation of those beauties of society which enamel and adorne the wise and the vertuous might suppose themselves to have reason to speak the evil words of envy and detraction I wonder not for all those unhappy soules which shall find heaven gates shut against them will think they have reason to murmur and blaspheme The similitude is apt enough for that is the region of friendship and love is the light of that glorious Countrey but so bright that it needs no Sun Here we have fine and bright rayes of that Celestial flame and though to all mankind the light of it is in some measure to be extended like the treasures of light dwelling in the South yet a little do illustrate and beautifie the North yet some live under the line and the beams of friendship in that position are imminent and perpendicular I know but one thing more in which the Communications of friendship can be restrained and that is in Friends and Enemies Amicus amici amicus meus non est My friends friend is not alwayes my friend nor his enemy mine for if my friend quarrel with a third person with whom he hath had no friendships upon the account of interest if that third person be my friend the nobleness of our