T is granted Hold up your heads and thanke the gentleman Like schollers with your heeles now All 3. Gratias Gratias Gratias Exit Dia. Well done sonne Peregrine he 's in 's wits I hope Ioy. If you lose yours the while where 's my advantage Dia. And trust me t was well done too of Extempore To let the poore old children loose And now I looke well on him he 's a proper man Ioy. She 'll fall in love with the Actor and undoe me Dia. Do's not his Lady love him sweet my Lord Let. Love yes and lye with him as her husband do's With 's mayd It is their law in the Antipodes Dia. But we have no such lawes with us Ioy. Doe you approve of such a law Dia. No not so much In this case where the man and wife doe lye With their inferiour servants But in the other Where the old Citizen would arrest the gallant That tooke his wares and would not lye with 's wife There it seemes reasonable very reasonable Ioy. Do's it Dia Mak 't your owne case you are an old man I love a gentleman you give him rich presents To get me a child because you cannot must not We looke to have our bargaine Ioy. Give me leave Now to be gone my Lord though I leave her Behinde me shee is mad and not my wife And I may leave her Let. Come you are mov'd I see I 'll settle all But first prevaile with you To taste my wine and sweet meats The Comedians Shall pause the while This you must not deny me Exit Ioy. I must not live here alwaies that 's my comfort Exit Per. I thanke you Sir for the poore mens release It was the first request that I have made Since I came in these confines Byp. T is our custome To deny strangers nothing yea to offer Of any thing we have that may be usefull In curtesie to strangers Will you therefore Be pleas'd to enter Sir this habitation And take such vyands beverage and repose As may refresh you after tedious travailes Doct. Thou tak'st him right for I am sure he 's hungry Per. All I have seene since my arrivall are Wonders But your humanity excells Byp. Vertue in the Antipodes onely dwells Act 3. Scene 1. Letoy Ioylesse Diana Martha Barbara Let. YEt Mr. Ioylesse are you pleas'd you see Here 's nothing but faire play and all above boord Ioy. But it is late and these long intermissions By banqueting and Courtship twixt the Acts Will keep backe the Catastrophe of your play Vntill the morning light Let. All shall be short Ioy. And then in midst of Scenes You interrupt your Actors and tye them To lengthen time in silence while you hold Discourse by th'by Let. Poxe o' thy jealousie Because I give thy wife a looke or word Sometimes What if I kisse thus I le not eate her Ioy. Soe so his banquet workes with him Let. And for my Actors they shall speake or not speake As much or more or lesse and when I please It is my way of pleasure and I le use it So sit They enter Flourish Act 3. Scene 2. Enter Lawyer and Poet Law Your case is cleare I understand it fully And need no more instructions this shall serve To firke your Adversary from Court to Court If he stand out upon rebellious Legges But till Octabis Michaelis next I le bring him on submissive knees Dia. What 's he Let. A Lawyer and his Clyent there a Poet Dia. Goes Law so torne and Poetry so brave Ioy. Will you but give the Actors leave to speake They may have done the sooner Law Let me see This is your bill of Parcells Poet Yes of all My severall wares according to the rates Delivered unto my debitor Dia. Wares does he say Let. Yes Poetry is good ware In the Antipodes though there be some ill payers As well as here but Law there rights the Poets Law Delivered too and for the use of the right worshipfull Mr. Alderman Humblebee as followeth Imprimis Reads Umh I cannot read your hand your Character Is bad and your Orthography much worse Read it your selfe pray Dia Doe Aldermen Love Poetry in Antipodea London Let. Better than ours doe Custards but the worst Pay-masters living there worse than our gallants Partly for want of money partly wit Dia. Can Aldermen want wit and money too That 's wonderfull Poet Imprimis sir here is For three religious Madrigalls to be sung By th' holy Vestalls in Bridewell for the Conversion of our City wives and daughters Ten groats a peece it was his owne agreement Law T is very reasonable Poet Item twelve Hymnes For the twelve Sessions during his Shrievalty Sung by the Quire of New-gate in the praise Of City Clemency for in that yeare No guiltlesse person suffer'd by their judgement Ten groats a peece also Law So now it rises Dia. Why speaks your Poet so demurely Let. Oh T is a precise tone he has got among The sober sister-hood Dia. Oh I remember The Doctor said Poets were all Puritans In the Antipodes But where 's the Doctor And where 's your sonne my Ioylesse Let. Doe not minde him Poet Item A Disticke graven in his thumb-ring Of all the wise speeches and sayings of all His Alder Predecessors and his brethren In two Kings reignes Law There was a curious Peece Poet Two peeces he promised to me for it Item inscriptions in his Hall and Parlour His Gallery and garden round the walls Of his owne publicke acts betweene the time He was a Common Councell man and shriefe One thousand lines put into wholsome verse Law Here 's a summe towards indeed a thousand verses Poet They come too at the known rate of the City That is to say at forty pence the score Eight pounds sixe shillings eight pence Law Well sir on Poet Item an Elegy for Mistris Alderwoman Upon the death of one of her Coach-mares She priz'd above her daughter being crooked Dia. The more beast she Mar. Ha ha ha Bar. Enough enough sweet-heart Mar. T is true for I should weep for that poore daughter T is like she 'll have no children pray now looke Am not I crooked too Bar. No no sit downe Poet Item a love Epistle for the Aldermanikin his sonne And a Booke of the godly life and death Of Mistris Katherine Stubs which I have turn'd Into sweet meetre for the vertuous youth To woe an ancient Lady widow with Law Here 's a large summe in all for which I le try His strength in law till he peccavi cry When I shall sing for all his present bignesse Iamque opus exegi quod nec Iovis Ira nec ignis Dia. The Lawyer speaks the Poets part Let. He thinkes The more the Poets in th' Antipodes Are slow of tongue but nimble with the pen Poet The counsaile and the comfort you have given Me requires a double fee Offers mony Law Will you abuse me therefore I take no fees double nor single I
gentleman did or which did best But she must thinke him jealous Bar. You need not for If I were now to dye on 't nor the Doctor Nor I came in a bed to night I meane Within a bed Bla. Within or without or over or under I have no time to thinke o' such poore things Bar. What 's that thou carriest Tony Bla. O ho Bab This is a shape Bar. A shape what shape I prethee Tony Bla. Thou 'lt see me in 't anon but shalt not know me From the starkst foole i th' Towne And I must dance Naked in 't Bab Bar. Will here be Dancing Tony Bla. Yes Bab My Lord gave order for 't last night It should ha' bin i th' Play But because that Was broke off he will ha 't today Bar. O Tony I did not see thee act i th' Play Bla. O but I did though Bab two Mutes Bar. What in those Breeches Bla. Fie foole thou understandst not what a Mute is A Mute is a dumbe Speaker in the Play Bar. Dumbe Speaker that 's a Bull Thou wert the Bull Then in the Play Would I had seene thee rore Bla. That 's a Bull too as wise as you are Bab A Mute is one that acteth speakingly And yet sayes nothing I did two of them The Sage Man-midwife and the Basket-maker Bar. Well Tony I will see thee in this thing And t is a pretty thing Bla. Prethee good Bab Come in and help me on with 't in our Tyring-house And helpe the Gentlemen my fellow dancers And thou shalt then see all our things and all Our properties and practice to the Musicke Bar. O Tony come I long to be at that Exeunt Act. 5. Scene 2. Letoy and Diana Dia. My Lord your strength and violence prevaile not There is a Providence above my vertue That guards me from the fury of your lust Let. Yet yet I prethee yield Is it my person That thou despisest See here 's wealthy treasure a table set forth covered with treasure Jewells that Cleopatra would have left Her Marcus for Dia. My Lord t is possible That she who leaves a husband may be bought Out of a second friendship Let. Had stout Tarquin Made such an offer he had done no Rape For Lucrece had consented sav'd her owne And all those lives that followed in her cause Dia. Yet then she had beene a loser Let. Wouldst have gold Mammon nor Pluto's selfe should over-bid me For I l'd give all First let me raine a showre To out-vie that which overwhelmed Danae And after that another a full river Shall from my chests perpetually flow Into thy store Dia. I have not much lov'd wealth But have not loath'd the sight of it till now That you have soyld it with that foule opinion Of being the price of vertue Though the Metall Be pure and innocent in it selfe such use Of it is odious indeed damnable Both to the seller and the purchaser Pitty it should be so abus'd It beares A stampe upon 't which but to clip is treason T is ill us'd there where Law the life controules Worse where t is made a salary for soules Let. Deny'st thou wealth wilt thou have pleasure then Given and ta'ne freely without all condition I le give thee such as shall if not exceed Be at the least comparative with those Which Iupiter got the Demy-gods with and Iuno was mad she mist Dia. My Lord you may Glose o're and gild the vice which you call pleasure With god like attributes when it is at best A sensuality so farre below Dishonourable that it is meere beastly Which reason ought to abhorre and I detest it More than your former hated offers Let. Lastly Wilt thou have honour I le come closer to thee For now the Flames of Love grow higher in me And I must perish in them or enjoy thee Suppose I finde by Power or Law or both A meanes to make thee mine by freeing Thee from thy present husband Dia. Hold stay there Now should I utter volumes of perswasions Lay the whole world of Riches pleasures honours Before me in full grant that one last word Husband and from your owne mouth spoke confutes And vilifies even all The very name Of husband rightly weigh'd and well remembred Without more Law or discipline is enough To governe woman-kinde in due obedience Master all loose affections and remove Those Idolls which too much too many love And you have set before me to beguile Me of the faith I owe him But remember You grant I have a husband urge no more I seek his love T is fit he loves no whore Let. This is not yet the way You have seene Lady My ardent love which you doe seeme to slight Though to my death pretending zeale to your husband My person nor my proffers are so despicable But that they might had I not vow'd affection Intirely to your selfe have met with th' embraces Of greater persons no lesse faire that can Too if they please put on Formality And talke in as divine a straine as you This is not earnest make my word but good Now with a smile I le give thee a thousand pound Looke o' my face Come prithee looke and laugh not Yes laugh and dar'st Dimple this cheek a little I le nip it else Dia. I pray forbeare my Lord I 'me past a childe and will be made no wanton Let. How can this be so young so vigorous And so devoted to an old mans bed Dia. That is already answerd He 's my husband You are old too my Lord Let. Yes but of better metall A jealous old man too whose disposition Of injury to beauty and young blood Cannot but kindle fire of just revenge In you if you be woman to requite With your owne pleasure his unnaturall spight You cannot be worse to him than he thinkes you Considering all the open scornes and jeeres You cast upon him to a flat defiance Then the affronts I gave to choake his anger And lastly your stolne absence from his chamber All which confirmes we have as good as told him That he 's a Cuckold yet you trifle time As 't were not worth the doing Dia. Are you a Lord Dare you boast honor and be so ignoble Did not you warrant me upon that pawne Which can take up no mony your blanck honour That you would cure his jealousie which affects him Like a sharpe sore if I to ripen it Would set that counterfeit face of scorne upon him Onely in shew of disobedience which You wonne me to upon your protestation To render me unstain'd to his opinion And quit me of his jealousie for ever Let. No not unstain'd by your leave if you call Unchastity a staine But for his yellows Let me but lye with you and let him know it His jealousie is gone all doubts are cleard And for his love and good opinion He shall not dare deny 't Come be wise And this is all all is as good as done To him already let 't be
him in his cabbin Good Lady save my Ring that 's fallen there Dia. In sooth a mervailous neate and costly one Bla. So so the Ring has found a finger Doct. Come sir aboord aboord aboord aboord Bla. To bed to bed to bed I know your voyage And my deare Lords deare plot I understand Whose Ring hath past here by your flight of hand Act 2. Scene 1. Letoy Doctor TO night saiest thou my Hughball Doct. By all meanes And if your Play takes to my expectation As I not doubt my potion workes to yours Your fancy and my cure shall be cry'd up Miraculous O y' are the Lord of fancy Let. I 'm not ambitious of that title Sir No the Letoy's are of Antiquity Ages before the fancyes were begot And shall beget still new to the worlds end But are you confident o' your potion doctor Sleeps the young man Doct. Yes and has slept these twelve houres After a thousand mile an houre out-right By sea and land and shall awake anone In the Antipodes Let. Well Sir my Actors Are all in readinesse and I thinke all perfect But one that never will be perfect in a thing He studies yet he makes such shifts extempore Knowing the purpose what he is to speak to That he moves mirth in me 'bove all the rest For I am none of those Poeticke furies That threats the Actors life in a whole play That addes a sillable or takes away If he can frible through and move delight In others I am pleas'd Doct. It is that mimick fellow which your Lordship But lately entertain'd Let. The same Doct. He will be wondrous apt in my affaire For I must take occasion to interchange Discourse with him sometimes amidst their Scenes T' informe my patient my mad young travellor In diverse matters Let. Doe put him to 't I use 't my selfe sometimes Doct. I know it is your way Let. Well to the businesse Hast wrought the jealous Gentleman old Ioylesse To suffer his wife to see our Comedy Doct. She brings your Ring my Lord upon her finger And he brings her in 's hand I have instructed her To spurre his jealousie of o' the legges Let. And I will helpe her in 't Doct. the young distracted Gentlewoman too that 's sicke of her virginity Yet knowes not what it is and Blaze and 's wife Shall all be your guests to night and not alone Spectators but as we will carry it Actor To fill your Comicke Scenes with double mirth Let. Go fetch 'hem then while I prepare my Actors Ex. Doc. Within there hoe Within 1 This is my beard and haire 2 My Lord appointed it for my part 3 No this is for you and this is yours this grey one 4 Where be the foyles and Targets for the women 1 Here can't you see Let. What a rude coyle is there But yet it pleases me Within 1 You must not weare that Cloak and Hat 2 Who told you so I must In my first Scene and you must weare that robe Let. What a noyse make those knaves come in one of you Are you the first that answers to that name Act 2. Scene 2. Enter Quaile-pipe 3 Actors and Byplay Qua. My Lord Let. Why are not you ready yet Qua. I am not to put on my shape before I have spoke the Prologue And for that my Lord I yet want something Let. What I pray with your grave formality Qua. I want my Beaver-shooes and Leather-Cap To speake the Prologue in which were appoynted By your Lordships owne direction Let. Well sir well There they be for you I must looke to all Qua. Certes my Lord it is a most apt conceit The Comedy being the world turn'd upside-downe That the presenter weare the Capitall Beaver Upon his feet and on his head shooe-leather Let. Trouble not you your head with my conceite But minde your part Let me not see you act now In your Scholasticke way you brought to towne wi' yee With see saw sacke a downe like a Sawyer Nor in a Comicke Scene play Hercules furens Tearing your throat to split the Audients eares And you Sir you had got a tricke of late Of holding out your bum in a set speech Your fingers fibulating on your breast As if your Buttons or your Band-strings were Helpes to your memory Let me see you in 't No more I charge you No nor you sir in That over-action of the legges I told you of Your singles and your doubles Looke you thus Like one o' th' dancing Masters o' the Beare-garden And when you have spoke at end of every speech Not minding the reply you turne you round As Tumblers doe when betwixt every feat They gather wind by firking up their breeches I le none of these absurdities in my house But words and action married so together That shall strike harmony in the eares and eyes Of the severest if judicious Criticks Qua. My Lord we are corrected Let. Goe be ready But you Sir are incorrigible and Take licence to your selfe to adde unto Your parts your owne free fancy and sometimes To alter or diminish what the writer With care and skill compos'd and when you are To speake to your coactors in the Scene You hold interloquutions with the Audients Bip. That is a way my Lord has bin allow'd On elder stages to move mirth and laughter Let. Yes in the dayes of Tarlton and Kempe Before the stage was purg'd from barbarisme And brought to the perfection it now shines with Then fooles and jesters spent their wits because The Poets were wise enough to save their owne For profitabler uses Let that passe Tonight I le give thee leave to try thy wit In answering my Doctor and his Patient He brings along with him to our Antipodes By. I heard of him my Lord Blaze gave me light Of the mad Patient and that he never saw A Play in 's life it will be possible For him to thinke he is in the Antipodes Indeed when he is on the Stage among us When 't has beene thought by some that have their wits That all the Players i' th' Towne were sunke past rising Let. Leave that sir to th' event See all be ready Your Musicke properties and By. All my Lord Onely we want a person for a Mute Let. Blaze when he comes shall serve Goe in Ex. Byp. My Guests J heare are comming Act 2. Scene 3. Enter Blaze Ioylesse Diana Martha Barb. Bla. My Lord J am become your honours usher To these your guests The worthy Mr. Ioylesse With his faire wife and daughter in law Let. They 're welcome And you in the first place sweet Mistris Ioylesse You weare my ring J see you grace me in it Ioy. His Ring what Ring how came she by 't Blaz. T will worke Let. J sent it as a pledge of my affection to you For J before have seene you and doe languish Untill J shall enjoy your love Ioy. He courts her Let. Next Lady you J have a toy for you too Mar. My