's all I am contented But pray Son what Success had you Turn Why I had almost perswaded her but you interrupted me Big O! thou art the very best of Men But how could you gain so easy a Conquest Turn O I wrought upon her Affections Big 'T is a thousand pitties that I interrupted you But I 'le give you a fitter Opportunity Turn Aye pray do and let it be more private Big As private as you please I 'le ne're disturb you Turn Why then you shall see how soon I 'le do her business Big I don't question it but be sure to do it effectually Turn Aye and perhaps she and I may get two or three Big And so you two may increase and multiply to some purpose Turn Nay I 'm resolv'd to mind the work of Propagation and if the sault is not in her I don't doubt but I shall answer your Expectation Big But good Mr. Turnabout let me come in for some share of the Honour Turn Sir I shall quit all Pretensions to the Honour of this Enterprize and leave it wholly to you All I propose to my self is the Pleasure and Satisfaction of doing good to a distressed Lady Big Nay it is certainly a very delightful Work I wish we could both joyn at the same time Turn That 's impossible she would be hard enough for one at a time but two together will breed Confusion Big Then prethee prepare the way for me as soon as may be Turn With all my Heart Exeunt several ways Scene Politico's Lodgings who is discover'd walking in his Night-Gown Pol. How few but pleasant are the Minutes that I snatch from publick business of the State 't is my own yet scarce can call them so But now I am engag'd I must proceed The Land 's in sight I need not fear the Sea Here where 's this Manual knocks Enter Manual Man Your Pleasure Sir Pol. Bring hither the Intelligence you received by the last Post Man I shall Exit Manual Pol. These Hereticks are odd Tools to build up the Catholick Church withal and I believe that I am the first that ever found out the way to make 'em useful in that Building without hewing them to pieces If the Spies I employ in the Country give me an exact Character of every particular Man I shall find Work suitable to their various Genius's and make them all serve our Ends and yet they shall never know it which is Delicacy in Policy which is purely my own and such as I presume none could ever equal Enter Manual with Papers and Pencils Man Here they are Sir Pol. Read the Characters of such Persons as may be thought sit to serve their Country in the West Man reads The first is Mr. Peaceable he is rich and so great a Dissenter that he searce ever saw the inside of a Church in his Life He is of a calm Temper provokes none nor is to be provoked by any but holds a fair Correspondence with Men of all Perswasions He is much beloved and has no small Interest in the Country Pol. Dash out his Name A peaceable Dissenter can do us no Service Who 's next Man reads The next is Mr. Greedy by Trade a Scrivener a Man of no mean Sense and Abiliries one that professes great Love and Affection to the Establish'd Church which he is able to defend with the best of Arguments He is an acute Dissenter against Popery indifferent and covetous to the highest degree of Rapaciousness on one hand and Sordility on the other Pol. What didst say covetous Man reads again To the highest c. Pol. Then mark him down that one thing makes Recompence for the rest of his ill Characters We shall find some Bait to draw a covetous Man to our side Man reads The third is Mr. Zealous of the Congregational Way a Man of unquestion'd Parts and Subtilty He is reckon'd amongst the most eminently gifted Brethren and not without cause he is much ador'd for his Zeal and pathetick Exclamations against Popery But those that pretend to know him better do say that at most he is but an Atheist and his whole Religion is Hypocrisy and his most visible Patrimony is the voluntary Contribution of the Women Pol. I like that Hypocrisy well enough it shews that he is able to manage an Intrigue mark him down I shall shape him out a way to serve us Man reads Then there 's Mr. Whyner by Trade a Weaver but not being able to live on that he is turn'd Preacher He is a Fellow of a broad Face and no Brains the want of which is supply'd by a large stock of Impudence which enables him to rail against Popery in Billingsgate Language without two grains of Sense or Reason He gets a good quantity of Mony in the Year and preaches in a little Shed at the end of his House Pol. Then mark him down and send an hundred Pounds to make his Shed bigger There are more converted to us by hearing bad Sermons against Popery than by hearing good ones for it Who 's next Man reads on Mr. Slumber a Romanist by Education he is accounted a Man of a good Life and Conversation but not much inclin'd to Vigor and Activity He is moderately rich and well beloved by all Parties Pol. Dash out 's Name he can do us no good unless it be in some inferior Station for the Encouragement of others Man reads The next is one Ranter of those peaceable People called Quakers He Pol. If he be of that Perswasion you need give no further Character for we are satisfied in them the next Man reads Mr. Firebrand a Fifth Monarchy Man one of an implacable Temper that in the late Times was very much prosecuted He is esteemed very rich but the most violent revengful ill-tempered Man in the whole Country Pol. A most excellent Person this and the first in the whole World to serve us Is there any more of the same Character Man looks Yes five or six Pol. If there were five or six thousand we could find Work for them all Mark down their Names Enter Servant Ser. Sir here 's my Lord Britain would know if it be consistent with your Reverence's Affairs to admit a Visit Pol. Desire his Lordship to entertain himself a small time in the Drawing-Room till I have given some Instructions to some young Gentlemen lately come from St. Omers how to behave themselves in their Mission Ser. I shall Sir And thus the Lord must wait upon the Priest Exit Pol. Go Manual bring in the St. Omers Men Man Yes Sir Exit Man Pol. I know this Lord Britain comes only to tell me that I take too violent Measures and nothing but the Event can convince him of his Error I wonder so good a Catholick as he can be so stupid Enter Man with four Priests bowing to Pol. Pol. Gentlemen I am glad to see your Zeal has brought you hither to the Conversion of so stubborn and head-strong a Nation
The Converts OR THE FOLLY OF PRIEST-CRAFT A Comedy By J. S. M. T. Soc. Simulata Sanctitas Duplex Iniquitas SCENE St. JAMES's or the SAVOY LONDON Printed for Richard Baldwin near the Oxford-Arms in Warwick-Lane MDCXC The PROLOGUE WHen first our Poet gave his Mind to write He freely owns he had no Muse but spite To see his Native Country men opprest By clumsy Priests that seem'd to be in jest Even then when Nature strove to do her best Thence his just Indignation higher rose Venting himself in this Satyrick Prose As might their Follies and their Crimes â—ppose Yet his soft hand designs no mortal Wound Nor would he touch on any part that 's sound The Innocent are from his Darts secure And the Infected he designs to cure Besides He was ambitious to present to view Something that might deserve the Name of New Fopling he thought so long had trod the Stage He seem'd to have out liv'd Mâ—thusalem's Age. And though in various Dresses he appears His various Dresses â—annot hide his Years His Charms grow old and can delight no more The shining Sex that he oblig'd before The Bawd the Punk the Souldier and the Cit The Man of Breeding and the Man of Wit With dull repeated Humours clog the Pit The Bully Cully and the Country Squire The English Vicar and the Spanish Friar Though he they say has lately quitted Station And publickly has made a Recantation All these by turns have on the Stage appear'd And thought it there no scandal to be jear'd None but the Plotting Priest did sneak away Behind the Scenes and there securely lay 'Till our bold Poet drew him into light And here presents him naked to your sight But some will say Zounds the dull Roguâ— has left us in the lurch Promis'd a Play and brought us to a Church To see a Race of mumbling Bald-pate Friars And heard what need not Jesuits prov'd Lyars And ' stead of the gay Humours of the Town Presents the Follies of the lazy Gown These Sparks he tells that if they will dispencâ— For these two Hours with his noiseless Sense Some more than some have Humour and some Wit This sure will do exâ—el but Priestâ— the Pit But if this won't when he has done his host He 'l speak to Captain Tom to do the rest DRAMATIS PERSONAE MEN. Mr. Turnabout A new Convert in love with Leucasia Lord Brittain A Romanist and true English-man 〈◊〉 Young Subtleman A Gentleman that to raise his Fortune give the Fathers hopes of his Conversion Sir George Subtleman Father Caâ—tious an old Covetous Priest Bigot A Zealous Priest Mackdonnel an Irish blundering Priest Politico A contriving Intriguing Priest Jonathan Siâ—per A Punk that serves Caâ—tious in Man's Cloaths Four Priests and Three Casuists from St. Omers Manual Secretary to Politico Four Footmen Servants to Leucasia Constable Watch Rabble c. WOMEN Leucasia A Lady of Vertue and Fortune but a hater of the Priest Betty her Maid Mrs. Counterfeit a Procuress Mrs. Speedwel her Creature Whores c. The Folly of Priest-Craft A COMEDY Actus Primus Scena Prima Turnabout Young Subtleman Turn FAith Jack I have had ill luck this Month or two Subt. Prethee What 's the matter Turn Why I 've parted very friendly with my Religion and can get nothing for it Subt. Then there is just nothing for nothing The Rogues you deal with are cunning and know how to fit you to an hair but I have had worse fortune I have parted with my Mony and got nothing for it Now there is Substance for nothing which according to my Philosophy is very unnatural Turn Well I must find some other way of thriving this changing a Man's Religion is a meer drug 't is grown too common Subt. You cannot find a better if you take the right Way 〈…〉 Turn The right Way Jack why no Man could take a better First I applied my self to a Priest whose Interest I thought to be greatest at Court and told him that I was a Gentleman of a good Estate and once a zealous Protestant that I had always led a strict and vertuous Life but that now I could find no Satisfaction that way and now I desired to be admitted a Member of their Church Subt. So very good Turn Then I frequented all publick Masses the private ones were never any part of my Religion I confessed to him none but such Vices as with other Men would pass for Vertues and indeed greater Vertues than ever I was guilty of I made him believe that I performed all Penances double that I had discarded all my Friends and Kinsmen upon the account of Difference in Opinion and amongst them a very dear Relation that I desired to serve my Country in some publick Employment Military or Civil not for Gain but Advancement of the Catholick Cause insomuch that Subt. Insomuch that he thought thee to be a very zealous and conscientious Catholick Turn Yes faith Jack as good as any in England Subt. Why that same is the very reason that he never sought to prefer thee The Fathers know that those that are Catholicks by Perswasion will do them Service without the visible Prospect of a Reward and therefore they are never eager in preserring them to places of true Profit but they know those that are led to them by Interest they must continually feed with the same Bait that brought them on lest they fly off and scare others from it Turn Thinkest thou so Boy Subt. Think so Why it is most certainly true Canst thou imagine the Fathers are such ill Husbands as to procure a Reward for those that are such Fools as to serve their ends without it If thou think'st to get any thing considerable by their Intercession you must let them plainly understand that you are no puny whiâ—â—ng Catholick troubled with Scruples of Conscience but Rogue enough to serve them in all things Turn Well so much may easily be done Subt. I know it may and by these means thou wilt have a double Tiâ—upon them First they will fear to lose thee unless they supply sufficient Nutriment to all thy large Stock of Vices And some of them I know are not soon satisfied And in the second place they will understand that thou art a â—it Instrument to act a part in any pious Villany and if that will not make thee nothing can Then in the next place Turn Aye Prethee What 's in the next place Subt. You must write a Book in their Desence Turn What an unconscionable Dog art thou thou knowest I can hardly bare the damn'd Fatigue to read one and Subt. Phoo Pox you will write the better for that There are several old Pieces wrote by Campian and others thou mayst get a Scrivener to transcribe a dozen or two of Pages in the middle of the Book invent a Title and publish it in thine own Name and thou shalt be as great a Champion as St. George on Horseback and then Turn What more
born Slaves by some peculiar Influence of the Heavens or whether Custom has made that Yoke to be easie or whether that servile disposition is deriv'd from Father to Son by some unperceivable manner of Tradition the Cause is uncertain but the Effect is plain But to think English-men to be easily kept in subjection because foreigners can is as good Logick as to conclude a Lion dares not fight because a Sheep is a timorous Creature Pol. I perceive your Lordship is not skill'd in the Politicks I can give you several reasons why there is no danger in the dreaded number of the Hereticks For first they want an Head and what alas is Body without an Head There 's one for you L. Britt Your Argument is Metaphorical but not conclusive It is true these popular Insurrections that are rais'd by the Power or Interest of one particular Man are soon quell'd when the Head is once remov'd for the Cause taken away the Effect ceases But where the cause of discontent is general an Head is never wanting for many hands make light work Pol. Then again ' The Hereticks want Councel and Conduct Alas all their Great Men are bred in the English Court and know nothing of the French and Italian Finesses There are no men in the world excepting those of my Order that understand the true Methods and Principles of Government Alas your English Lords are troubled with scruples of Conscience and pretend to tenderness and good nature and think themselves always oblig'd to stick to the immutable Rules of Honour and talk of Just and Unjust and I know not what whimseys They don't consider that it is impossible for a States-man to accomplish any great Designs that boggles at any sort of means that are conducing to his End tho never so unjust and cruel L. Britt I wish you do not find those Lords which you so much despise to be Masters of more Policy than is consistent with the good of the Catholick Cause Pol. Pshaw Pshaw never fear it When all 's done we have an Army to defend us L. Britt An Army sympathizes with the major part of the Nation out of which they are taken and what raises Jealousies in the One is sure to raise Discontents in the Other Heaven send we may never stand in need of that Pol. Pshaw pshaw your Lordship is too timorous L. Britt angry No man but what 's defended by a Gown dares tell me so Once more farewell And when you see all England in a flame youâ— selves pursued to the water-side and offering all your Treasure for a Boat when Catholicks are driven from their Houses and made the Object of a publick scorn remember then I had no hand in this Pol. And when you see the Triumphs of our Cause all bending low unto the See of Rome the Heretiâ—ks or forced to comply or roving up and down the world for Bread but finding none when this you live to see remember well that mine is the contrivance 't is I propos'd the End and found the Means shap'd the Tools and perfected the Work and mine 's the Honour L. Britt May it be so I leave the Honour and the Danger unto you Farewell I 've done my best Exit Pol. Well this Lord is honest but Master of extreme wrong Notions in Policy as if he had been bred under some Calvinistical Pedant that never read Machiavel But I must now lay aside thoughts of State-affairs and mind the grand Concerns of softer Love Leucasid's eyes have shot a â—re into my breast which nothing but her self can extinguish If I can enjoy her in the peâ—â—on of a discarded Officer I shall look upon it as my greatest â—â—iess For as there is greater art in making a Chain for a Flea than an Elephant so there is something more skill inâ—subduing the heart of a Woman than in subverting a Kingdom Enter Mrs. Counterseit O Mrs. Counterfeit you 're welcome most heartily welcome What news Count. O the most obliging News in the World Leucasâ—a is yours your Plots take to admiration I vow you don't act fairly to outwit a Woman in her own Profession Read this Gives him a Letter he reads The account you give of thaâ— Noble Person and his suffering in so good a Cause will not permit me to be cruel I honour such 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and if it is his desire to 〈◊〉 kâ—â—wn to me any part of his grievances he shall find an hoâ—â—rable and kind reception from Yours Leucasia Pol. Why look you Mrs. Câ—unterfeit did not I tell you that nothing could resist my Policy Here 's a Lady that hates our Religion and in particular my Order and Person Now who but my self could extract good out of so much evil and make her aversion a step to enjoy her Count. If you are as quick in Execution as fine in Projection that will soon be done Or if you should be put to the trouble to ravish or so if opportunity favours your disguise is your security Pol. There thou hitt'st the Nail on the head my disguise is ready you shall go in and see it fitted Count. I wait your Commands but you must go incognito without any Equipage Pol. Pray Mrs. Counterfeit leave the contriving part to me I think I am Master of that Count. And you must be sure to aggravate the Ingratitude of Priests and Jesuits Pol. What still moving beyond your station must the Spring rise higher than the Fountain-head have you not learn'd all this from me and do you pretend to teach Count. No indeed I have not learn'd all from you my Mother and my good Grandmother and my Aunt and my great Aunt taught me a great deal and I have had 50 years experience so that you might trust a little to my Judgment Pol. Then you will pretend to direct me Count. No an 't please your Reverence I will not pretend to that You do excel me and all mankind in the mysterious arts of Love I must most humbly acknowledge it to be so Pol. Then follow me and remember the contriving part is mine the executive we must share between us Exeunt Scene changes to Leucasia ' s Lodgings Enter Leucasia and Turnabout Leu. You see how far I have condesoended to cure your capricious humour tho I must confess your carriage to me and your hair-brain'd Jealousie does deserve my scorn or rather is below it Turn I confess my error and am ready to redeem your lost favour with my Sword What is it you will command Leu. A certain pretended Lord is pleas'd to think me a very fit person to be his Whore Now what would you do in vindication of my Honour Turn Oh very little Perhaps I might only cut his Throat or whip him through the Lungs or some such trifle Neither more nor less Leu. No that 's too much But I suppose that if he should refuse to draw you would grudge him the pains to kick him or assist my Servants in tossing him in a Blanket