Romantick Her Why it comes from the word Romance and Romance is the Arabick word for a Swinger and Swinger is the Hebrew word for a Lyer Sq. By this you prove the Heroick Poets to be Lyers Her No no by no means Romantickly inclined onely Ald. Nephew I admire thy parts I 'll home and make thy Entertaimment to the Dignity of the Buffoons for I am more than proud that I spring from the Loyns of King Pippin Exit Ald. Sq. Uncle we will most dutifully be with you forthwith I must see the Players Father for I have tokens to deliver to one of them from two Country Ladies Her Prethee Ned which of the Players is 't Sq. 'T is he that acts Drawcansir the Ladies are damnably in love with him for killing whole Armies Horse and Foot one of 'em said she wou'd give a hundred pound to be with child by him of a young Drawcansir Her Thâ—n he must get the other Lady with child of a young Army for the young Drawcansir to conquer But prethee Ned who are the Ladies I 'll warrant 'em both Whipsters Sq. Like enough for one is my Sister and the other my Mother I saith Her You damn'd Rogue to betray your Mother and Sister Sq. Betray if that be all they have been betray'd long since Come away Father Her A plaguy witty Dog this Exeunt SECOND ACT. SCENE I. Enter Guardian Mariana and Fidelia meet him Sel. NOw my Fidelia how hast thou prosper'd I know thou hast vigorously prest her to obey for thou art all Duty Fi. Not I indeed this is your dutiful Daughter Sir Sel. Is it possible what charms what fire didst thou use to thaw that frozen Virtue in her that common enemy to all Honour and Preferment Fi. I have made her more in love with Greatness than e'er she was with Virtue Come Lâ—dy Convert down o' your knees and crave pardon for your stiffnecked rebellion or out you turn to your old tatter'd Gransum Goody Virtue Ma. Sir I beg your pardon for all my disobedience and tender my duty to whatever you command and think it virtue in me to obey you Sel. I am over charged and want room to entertain the joy thy dear compliance brings But now to our business you two shall pass for my two Nieces and in short enjoy their Fortunes Fi. Well Sir if we must pass for these great Fortunes How will you dispose of the real ones Sel. They must be dispatch'd let me see we 'll have 'em Fi. Murder'd come out with it Father Sel. That 's too harsh a word for thy tender ear is it not my Jewel Ma. Indeed it startles me pray ye give it a milder name the word Murder is enough to daunt a young beginner Fi. Fy thou hast no mettle in thee think of Honour that will fright all Bugbears that awe the simple Conscience Sel. I 'd give the world to have thee steel'd and wrought to her hard temper Ma. I wou'd not have 'em murder'd but they may be desir'd to take a journey into the other world Sel. There can be no offence in that a tender Zelot may allow of Murder clad in such mild words Fi. A pretty equivocation the Devil has helpt us to to embolden us to Murder Sel. Throw by your fears or I 'll throw by your lives bloudy words suit best with bloudy deeds therefore I 'll have no other phrase but Murder startle that dares Ma. Murder be it then now I consider Sister 't is very foolish to scruple at the word when we so freely consent to the deed Fi. Father I must laugh a little to tell you true this cunning Baggage has but dissembled virtue all this while on purpose to discover your inclinations Sel. Mine is to murder 'em without the least fright or start of Conscience but it that were feign'd Virtue thou managed'st with such Saint-like zele by Heaven I shall honour thee as the Metropolitan Hypocrite of all thy Sex Ma. And Sir to shew you how little I value Virtue their deaths already are contrived and my faithful Servant has undertaken it Sel. How how my dear Child how Ma. Thus Sir my good honest Maid has a Lover to whom she is contracted and being a Seaman has already hired a Ship to spirit them away into the North of Norway where they shall never more be seen or heard of Sel. The wisest of men cou'd not ha' thought of so secure a course but when O when shall this be done Ma. Instantly we have already prepar'd our Cousins for a journey too we told them you wou'd send them into France for better education before any Suitors shou'd be admitted Sel. And all this ready done let mankind after this never deal in mischief when there is a work the Devil cannot manage a zelous woman shall have the honour of it I have prepared for thee my Jewel the brave Lord Arminger a man that has no stain to blast his better parts but has a chrystal fame that all the world may see through Fi. Then I find I must provide my own Fool. Sel. Thou art merry still I have already rich Presents sent me by this Duke that Marquess the other Earl this Dutchess for her Kinsman writes that Countess for her Brother will all send Gifts I do not receive 'em nor they carry 'em away for in that Gentile manner great Ministers of State take Bribes Ma. I Sir you have raised my spirits the thought of Honour makes Murder seem a little crime Sel. I there fix thy soul think on the blessings that attend on Greatness then who wou'd not wade to the chin in bloud Fi. To the knees Father is deep enough in conscience Sel. You are not known to the world so that you may pass for them securely onely the youngest that came from the North the world has got some hint of her country speech which if thou canst imitate we shall cozen the world live in pleasure and die in the Bed of Honour Fi. No Father they that deal justly die in the Bed of Honour we that cheat and cozen can die but in Honours Truckle bed Sel. Well said good Madam Hudibras come let us cheerfully dispatch this Murder and that settles all our Fortunes Ma. Our hands and hearts go all together Sel. This is the greatest satisfaction that ever yet my Soul received Exeunt SCENE II. Enter Lord Arminger Bowman Aimwell Laton Omnes My Lord Arminger your most humble Servant Lo. I hope Gentlemen you likewise think I am yours La. We come to invite your Lordship to the sight of an extraordinary new sort of Fool. Lo. Not a finer than my Mr. Overwise I hope La. Your Lordships is a more affected Fool he is for impossible projects new words and fine phrases Lo. O he hates a common phrase as he does a common woman Bo. Then he is very impertinent if he sees you kneeling he will advise you how to pray at dinner how to eat in bed how to behave
from you Sel. O my Lord I find my Children have made known my wicked purpose and my shame confounds me so I dare not look upon your virtuous Figure O let me see my heavenly Babes Ma. Here dear Father let us for ever kneel and for evermore thank Heaven for this your blest conversion Fi. O dear Sir what comfort 't is to see you satisfied that these are safe Sel. A blessed comfort indeed they are Saints my Lord too good to dwell on Earth and therefore shall to Heaven thus Stabs Mariana Lord and Seaman disarm him ye Devils Lo. Hold thou cursed Wretch take his Sword from 's side whilest I disarm him of his Dagger Fi. Run run for Surgeons let all the Houshold run Lo. Houshold imploy the whole World for Surgeons and let all the business of the Earth stanâ— still till Mariana be recovered Ma. Have merâ—y on my distressed Father my Lord. Sel. A curse on thee for a Religious Jilt Lo. What can he now expect but publick justice for all the Records of Hell cannot produce such wickedness as is in thee but for Mariana's sake yet repent and all shall be forgot Sel. Repent Seaman that Lord 's turn'd Fool did Quality ever trouble it self with repentance before it lies not in the road of Greatness Fetch me the Devil and I 'll thank you I have revengful work for him and his whole Tribe give me my Sword Sea You are in no conâ—ition to be trusted with a Sword Sir Sel. Lord of all Mankind trust not that treacherous Slave he once seemed to me the bravest and the bloudiest Villain that ever Man or Devil imployed and the false Dog turn'd tail prov'd honest and betray'd me My Children too prov'd false who wou'd stay in this wicked world I and my damn'd Issue will out on 't to see them â—ry in torments wou'd please me better than to be a Monarch Lo. Thou Wretch think of thy Soul and then repent Sel. I cannot revenge allows no time to think of Souls the Heralds know every thing takes place of Penitence that comes sneaking behind and is allow'd no place of Honour but Vengeance rides i' th' front o' th' battel and I his right hand man therefore this Tongue shall never utter any worâ—s but Vengeance Furies and Torments Torments Furies and Vengeance revenge Devils revenge Exit Seldin Lo. What an Example of Desperation's here Pray you Siâ— be careful of hiâ— till I senâ— Ministers to comfort him I wonder so wicked a man shou'd have such virtuous children Exeunt SCENE III. Enter Judge and Clerk at one door Bowman Laton Buffoon Squire at another La. Clerk take heed be sure you be true to us Clerk I 'll stick as close to you as your Shirt Sir Her Save you my Lord I understand one Lovill a Rogue with one eye and a wooden leg has inform'd you that I have with most reproachful and ignominious words bespatter'd your Judgship Jud. Oho! then it seems you are Sir Hercules Buffoon that have as you call it bespatter'd me write a Warrant Clerk I 'll clap you up and clap an Action of ten thousand pounds upon you for scandal Sir Sq. That will be a damn'd Clap indeed Clap him up and Clap an Action this Judge talks of nothing but Claps I believe he knows Whetstones Paâ—k better than I do Her Clap me up I scorn your words my Lord bring that Villain Lovill to my â—ace to justifie his words if he dare Jud. I am afraid Clerk he dares not come because of the roguish bargain he put upon me of two Brace of Deer out of Whetstones Park it seems a Park of Baâ—dy-houses Rogue Rogue Sq. My Lord I 'll take that bargain off your hands I 'll give you two Brace of Fallow Deer for your two Brace of Whetstone Jud. Yours is such another Park as Whetstone I suppose but for Lovill I 'll clap him up in a Jayl where he shall never come out Sq. Another Clap this old Fellow has been a Swinger in 's days Her He 's a sherking Knave and no Knight my Lord. Jud. How came he to be call'd so then Bo. In the time of the Civil Wars he found friends it seems to get a blaâ—k Warrant for a Baronet and not finding a good Customer for it he sawcily bestow'd the Honour upon himself Jud. He is the first Subject that ever made himself a Knight Her Not by some few my Lord but I am told you threaten to undo me for which I 'll clap an Action of the Casâ— upon you my Lord. Sq. Then there will be Clap for your Clap and the stone in your foot still my Lord. Jud. If I find this Lovill I 'll purge your ill manners for you Her The Rogues Oath will not be taken he has been Knight of the â—ost these twenty years there came in his Knighthood 't is his trade he has nothing else to live on Jud. Did you ever hear two men rail at one another thus Sir Bo. I think the like was never known my Lord. Jud. Well till Lovill be found I 'll secure you Sir Her I defie both Law and Lawyers for I have a Protection Jud. A Protection I believe the Devil voids Protections faster than Children void Worms let me see it Sir Her I have it not yet but if you 'll call for a Pen and Ink I 'll write my self one presently Jud. This Fellow seems to be some Jester rather than a Knight Bo. He may be a Jester and yet a Knight too Jud. But hold Clerk was not this Gentleman here with Sir Thomas Lovill Bo. My Lord I was not here I have a Twin Brother indeed very like me I suppose it might be him Jud. That may be but I am certain this young Squire was here and said he was Lovill's Son Sq. My Lord I was not here I have a Twin Brother indeed very like me I suppose it might be him Jud. This Fellow 's a Fool and not a Squire sure Sq. My Lord a Fool and a Squire are Twin too you 'll scarce know one from the other Jud. Clerk sure this is Sir Thomas Lovill's Son Sq. I had rather be thought the Son of a Whore Lovill's a Rogue that deals with Pick-pockets and can help people to stolen goods again Bo. This is you all this while Knight Jud. You all deny the truth Sir Buffoon you 'll deny too that my Nephew cudgell'd you Her I scorn to be cudgell'd I confess he caned me indeed and he kick'd me so that my Haaches look as black as a Westphaâ—ia Ham or the Traytors Quarters upon the City gates La. Upon my word my Lord I never caned nor kick'd him nor did I ever in my life see the man before this day Jud. Did you not beat him then for abusing me so grosly La. No my Lord. Jud. Then give me my Deed again Sirrah La. No my Lord. Jud. Why did you own you base Fellow that you were caned and kick'd Her Because my Lord I
such a Lord shou'd die without leaving some of his Brood behind him Cousin In. I God he knows is it Lo. I know she loves me I 'll try her with a small design Mariana I find your resolutiâ—n fixt and no persuasion can make you mine therefore I will take your advice and apply my self to fair Belmaria so your Servant Madam sweet Belmaria now I address to you Ma Hold hold I â—ie I die They run to her Lo Say you 'll be my Wiâ—e and thâ—n I 'll quit Belmaria Ma. Any thing rather than see that cruel sight again Fi. Marry her presently my Lord lest Honour get the upper hand again In. Help help my heart is broken quite in two Falls down Fi. Alas my sweet Cousin Do you take her up my Lord and she 'll do well again Lo. How do you do dear Innocentia In. Is it the pratty Lord that comes to help me then I is varra well again Ma. Then we are happy my Lord and I am wholly yours but how does my Father all this while Lo. He desires to go into the Country with two Ministers who gave me great assurance of his conversion We will marry then with all convenient speed Bel. I hope my Lord you 'll be our Guardian and let us live together and we are satisfied In. And good Honey Lord let us never part whilest we have one hour to live Lo. By my life we wou'd not quit you for all the world's wealth and I 'll make it my whole business to match you to Honourable Fortunes Enter Alderman Squire Bowman Laton and Aimwell Ald. With your leave my Lord Arminger we hear Sir Marmaduke Seldin is distracted and dying and that your Lordship is made Guardian to the two Heiresses Lo. The Ladies are pleased to think me worthy of that Trust and I have undertaken it Ald. The Northern Lady is to marry my Nephew my Lord to that end Sir Marmaduke caus'd me to settle my Estate intirely upon her the Match is gone so far my Lord. Sq. Nay 't is gone further with us young Folks for we have play'd at Clapperdeponch together therefore 't is too late to break off the Match In. By my Saul I never play'd at Clapperdepouch with thee did my Nuncle mean to wad me to sike ana Fool as thee Sq. Why this is not my Clapperdepouch Uncle Fi. Why no I is thy Clapperdepouch Honey Sq. What the Devil is there two Clapperdepouches I am sure one must be false In. I se sure I se the right Northern Heiress Sq. Then thou art the false one Honey I have heard of False Dice and False Nine-pins but to have a False Clapperdepouch put upon a man is more than ever I heard of Ald. My Lord I will not stand to this bargain for my Estate is settled upon the Northern Heiress Lo. No Sir I have read the Deed and it is settled upon Fidelia Seldin Ald. Then I am cozen'd my Lord and abused Lo. Not so Sir 't was your own voluntary Act besides I have married her Sister and I hope you 'll think it no disparagement for me to call you Uncle and you me Nephew and to have your Kinsman call me Brother Ald. My Lord I shall take it for the greatest honour in the world Sq. A much greater honour than our Alliance with King Pippin and so I receive Fidelia Seldin for my Wife Ald. And I receive you my Lord as my Nephew and your Lady as my Niece Enter Sir Hercules Buffoon and Overwise Her And I receive you as my Son and Daughter by this Match you honour us as you are a Noble Lord and we honour you by making you a Kinsman to King Pippin Over My Earl of Honour I have one Project the which if your Lordship will counteâ—ance Lo. You know I was always your Friend and ever will be Over Then my Earl you must know my Ancestor was the first Inventor of Short Hand and you see of what use it is to the world but at first it was extremely laugh'd at as no doubt my Project will be Bo. There is no question of it in the least Lo. Pray you let me hear your Project as briefly as you can Over Briefly I find I am troublesom I humbly refuse then my Lord. Aim I wou'd not give a Doit to hear it Over My Lord I humbly grieve that I have rudely refused my Project is this Lo. I will not hear it now Sir Over Then I pity you my Lord Young Man thou shalt hear it Sq. By my faith but I will not Over Now Sir it is my opinion that you sprung not from the Loyns of King Pippin Her Sir do you affront the Family of the Buffoons Sq. I 'll affront your Coxcomb with Mahomets own Semitor that cut off Orene's head Over My Lord upon my Honor that very Semitor hangs up now in Gresham College Lo. Now Sir I 'll hear your Project for your Semitors sake at Gresham College Over My Lord you know all the World now writes Short Hand and my Project is that which I am I confess really fond of Bo. That 's more than any man else will be I doubt well what is it Over Sir I communicate onely to my Lord Ladies you may hear if you please my Project is Ladies well I value my self extremely upon it In. Marra the Devil hama gin this be not a worse Fool than thy Clapperdepouch Cousin Over Well in short as all the World writes Short Hand so I wou'd teach all the World to speak Short Hand and by an Act of Parliament have it call'd the Short Hand Tongue La. Speak Short Hand and have it call'd the Short Hand Tongue Iack Adams for that ha ha ha Omnes Ha ha ha ha Over Did not I before hand tell your Lordship I shou'd be laugh'd at Lo. You did so indeed most Prophetically Over Nevertheless my Lord I shall proceed for I have really computed that a long-winded Minister shall pâ—each a Sermon in the Short Hand Tongue in as little time as a Horse shall run a Four miles course and that is exactly seven minutes Madam Omnes Ha ha ha ha Bo. Why do you laugh Gentlemen I think 't wou'd be great Service to the Nation to have a Sermon preach'd in seven minutes Aim Then Sermons wou'd not be tedeous nor people wou'd not sleep at Church Her Nor wou'd they have time to make love there as I have done often Sq. Nor wou'd Sunday Pies be burnt in the Oven nor Meat over roasted nor would Farmers have time to make Bargains at Church Over Right Sir I will undertake to make the Merchants of the Change and Lawyers at the Bar plead all their business in the Short Hand Tongue nay and the Judges shall give Sentence in the Short Hand Tongue Sq. And men shall be hang'd in Short Hand Ropes and then they will feel â—o pain Over Right anâ— what ease wou'd it be to the World to have all the whole business
of a day done in seven minutes Sq. Then shou'd we have all the rest of the day to be drunk in La. I believe thou speakst Short Hand already Squire for always when thou' rt dâ—unk thou putst twelve words into one Sq. That is not Short Hand 't is call'd Clipping the Kings English I hope Sir you 'll teach Women to scold in Short Hand Tongue and that wou'd be great Service to the Nation Bo. Good my Lord let us laugh this insufferable Short Hand Fool quite out of the Land Omnes The Short Hand Tongue ha ha ha away Fool away Over I 'll make you all Fools with one Philosophical Question Tell me whether at the great or the small end of a Spiders Egg does Nature make Production La. Thou art the Product of an Ass I 'm sure Sq. Pray you Sir let me ask you one question Is your name Overwise or Otherwise Over It is not proper for me to say I 'll quarrel with you but Sir I 'll make a Cessâ—tion of Friendship with you and so draw upon you Bo. Hold hold put up put up away Short Hand Ass. Over Well I pity all Fools from the Gentleman to the Lord and Lady Fools and so I take my leave Exit Overwise Sq. I hope you 'll take your leave in the Short Hand Tongue Aim My Lord we hope you will befriend us so far as to admit us Suitors to these Heiresses Lo. Gentlemen were I not concern'd I wou'd serve you frankly but being their Guardian were you my Brothers I wou'd not betray my Trust but will match them to men of such Honour and Wealth as shall deserve their Fortunes and this Resolution you cannot take unkindly La. No my good Lord your answer has fully satisfied us Bel. What a Noble Lord is this Cousin Ma. Come pretty Cousin I 'll give you half I have now nay I 'll give you half my Husband In. Thank you Honey Cousin but Iste be a little Whore then shall I not Ma. No sweet Cousin I 'll have a care of that Fi. My Lord we must see honest Captain Hammock here and his Miss well rewarded and all 's done Lo. And it shall be done to their Satisfaction EPILOGUE Wrote and spoke by J. H. Com. MEthinks Right Worthy Friends you seem to sit As if you had all ta'en Physick in the Pit When the Play 's done your jaded Fancies pall After Enjoyment thus 't is with us all You are Meer Epicures in Thinking and in fine As difficult to please in Plays as Wine You 've no true taste of either judge at random And cry De gustibus non disputandum One's for Vin d'Hermitage Love's lofty inditing Another Old Hoc he a Style that 's biting Both hate Champaign and Damn soft natural Writing And some forsooth Love Rhenish Wine and Sugar Plays in Meeter Like dead Wine swallowing Nonsense Rhimes make sweeter There 's one 's for a Cup of Nants and he 't is odds Like old Buffoon loves Plays that swinge the Gods True English Topers Racy Sack ne'er fail With such Ben. Johnson's humming Plays prevail Whilest some at Tricks and Grimace onely fleer To such must noisy frothy Farce appear These new Wits relish Small Smart Bottle Beer French Gouts that mingle Water with their Wine Cry Ah de French Song Gosoun dat is ver ' fine Who never drink without a relishing Bit Scapin methinks such sickly Tastes might hit Where w' entertain each squeamish nicer Palat With Sawce of Dances and with Songs for Salad Since then 't is so hard to please with choicest Dyet Our Guests wh'm Wit and Sense do dayly riot Since Wit is damn'd by those whom Wits we call As Love that stands by Love by Love does fall When Fools both good and bad like Whores swallow all I wish for your sakes the Sham Wits o' th' Nation Would take to some honest some thriving Vocation The Wit of our Feet you see every Night Says more to our purpose than all you can write Since things are thus carried a Wit 's such a Tool He that makes the best Plays does but best play the Fool. A Dreaded Fool 's your Bully A Wealthy Fool 's your Cit A Contented Fool 's your Cully But your Fool of Fool 's your Wit They all Fool Cit of 's Wife He fools them of their Pelf But your Wit 's so damn'd a Fool He onely Fools himself O Wits then face about to Sense Alas I know it by my self a Wit 's an Ass. For like you in my time I 've been Foolish in Rhime But now so repent the Nonsensical Crime I speak it in Tears which from me may seem odly Henceforth I 'll grow wiser Damn Wit I 'll be Godly That when by new Grace I have wip'd off old Stains In time I may pass not for Count but Sir Haynes FINIS