that Scripture was given in (k) Titus 3.4 After the kindnesse and love of God our Saviour towards man appeared not by works of righteousnesse which we have done but according to his mercy he saved us by the washing of regeneration and renewing of the holy Ghost which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour So that I saw our Sanctification was the Fruit of his purchase for us and Free-gift to us it being one great end in his laying down his life that he might redeem purifie to himself a peculiar people zealous of good works I had many Meditations also (l) Ezek. 16.6 c. about the Lords passing by us when we lay polluted in our blood and cast out to the loathing of our persons in the day we were born that then he should say to us Live and that this should be the time of love and spreading his skirt over us as also to consider that the promise of Christ (m) Gen 3.15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman and between thy seed and her seed It shall bruise thy head and thou shalt bruise his heel was given to fallen man in that nick of time of the greatest misery which he had brought on himself and posterity I had then also many Meditations of God's power by which he is able to keep us through faith unto Salvation with many promises given in to that purpose as that (n) Psalm 34.22 none that trust in him shall be desolate As also that was made sweet to my soul (o) Isai 33.16 17. namely His place of defence shall be the munition of Rocks bread shall be given him and his Waters shall be sure and thine eyes shall see the King in his Beauty and behold the Land that is very far off These were MEAT TO ME INDEED at that time Thus to consider the safety of believers as founded upon the Rock of ages And also that Scripture (p) Isai 26.12 Lord thou wilt ordain peace for us for thou also hast wrought all our works in us and likewise that (q) Prov. 10.3 the Lord will not suffer the soul of the righteous to famish but he casts away the substance of the wicked And r Prov. 10.29 the way of the Lord is strength to the upright but destruction shall be to the workers of Iniquity And that s John 14. â—7 Peace I leave with you my peace Is give unto you not as the world giveth give I unto you Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid And t John 14.13 because I live you shall live also And u Job 5.19 he shall deliver thee in six troubles yea in seven there shall no evil touch thee And w Isai 58.11 their souls shall be as a watered Garden that God hath blessed And x Isai 27.3 I the Lord do keep it I will water it every moment lest any hurt it I will keep it night and day With these promises was my soul refresh'd greatly this night and from hence was I led to meditate on the great care love and tender pity of the Lord towards his poor people in making so many pretious promises for support and succour for his poor Saints which made me even with Astonishment admire his grace herein and then was that good word brought in sweetly refreshing me y Isai 41.17 When the poor and needy seek water and there is none and their tongue faileth for thirst I the Lord will hear them I the God of Israel will not forsake them I then called to mind how largely my soul had experienc'd the truth of that word that even when I was ready to fail and sink my soul even scorcht up with the heat of the wrath of the Lord without any refreshment yea without a heart to seek it he made good this to me For ever blessed be his name and the Riches of his grace made known in Christ to my soul And now did the Lord bring my soul to this Well of consolation and made me drink abundantly of the River of his pleasures streaming out in these promises and gave me Fruit indeed from the Tree of Life feeding me from that word also (z) Isai 55.3 I will make an everlasting Covenant with you even the sure mercies of David Which I saw were sure indeed as laid no in Christ for believers Eâ—en in him whom God hath exalted as a Prince and a Saviour to give repentance unto Israel for remission of sins who himself was tempted that he might be able to succour those that are tempted Whom God hath raised from the dead that our liâ—e and hope might be in him who hath called poor and weary souls to come to him for rest and hath made me amongst others largely experience the truth of that word in causing my soul to find rest onely in him after a long and sore travail and wearysome journey Yet again this first day of the week I was assaulted in hearing the word Preached Her sixth Assault from Satan with many filthy suggestions cast in to cause me to undervalue the grace of God made known And this was both forenoon and afternoon but yet I was gratiously helpt to strive against them and to cry out to the Lord for help and assistance to resist the wicked one begging The Lord would not suffer me to dishonour his holy name by consenting to the temptors suggestions and then I call'd to mind that word wherein he had caused me to trust Namely (a) Heb. 13.5 That he vvould never leave me nor forsake me but vvould put his fear so in my heart as I should not depart from him neither should the Gates of Hell prevail against me And thus by flying to him as my Sanctuary I was inabled to resist and overcome my Enemies who else had been too hard for me I had also this day Her seventh Assault from Satan while I was hearing some sad considerations about falling avvay after grace received which made my soul to tremble in the thoughts of it to think how dishonourable that would be to the name of God but I had some hopes in his word which supported and strenghthened me against these fears Namely That the Lord vvould keep me by his Povver through faith unto Salvation and would also according to his Covenant put his fear in my heart that I should not at least utterly depart from him but yet had many fears that if he should but eclipse his love to my soul that might also be to the dishonour of his name and an occasion of stumbling to others which also made my soul full of fears in the thoughts of it But this somewhat flay'd me that he who hath begun a good work will finish it and will be careful of his own glory which in my souls upholding is so much concerned She is helped to consider what she owed unto the Lord for all
this late redeemed captive and other pretious ones to admire the Riches of God's infinite grace and say as in Rom. 11.33 O the depth of the Riches both of the wisedom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgements and his wayes past finding out And in the mean time may hereby be helped to put some check to their own troubled thoughts at least so far as not to make them as is too usual the Rule and measure of those infinite transcendent thoughts and wayes of God towards them And truely the bringing forth of such a glorious work as this out of such a barren Womb of apprehended impossibilities when even Faith hopes and hearts of the strongest failed concerning it I cannot but think was given in at such a season to raise our Faith and hope in the Lord by looking upon this signal mercy at a pledge and pattern of what God will yet do not onely for poor disconsolate souls in like conditions but also for the recovery and raising his publicke works so far gone back in these Nations in this sad declining day as causeth many of Zions Friends to speak sadly and doubtfully of them as they of Christ Luke 24.20 21 22 23. Who were sad in the sense of his being taken from them as in v. 17. and to be mourning as Mary in John 20.13 And some of them are ready to faint with crying Lord how long and Help Lord as in Psal 12.1 While their Enemies insult as in Lament 2.16 Saying Certainly this is the day that we looked for And as in Psa 35.20 21. are devising deceitful matters against them that are quiet in the Land and yet are subject to say as in Jer. 50.7 They offend not c. Yea some of Zions pretended lovers raised and lifted up it 's to be feared too highly by her are dealing unkindly with her and that under highest pretences of real affection to the name and cause of God and interest of his people as in Isai 66.5 Saying Let the Lord be glorified c. all so much involved in our late publicke transactions but now almost all given up into the hands of those that hate reproach and scorn them which is a sad cause of lamentation and O that it may lie with due sense upon the hearts of all Zions mourners to spread before the Lord as a lamentation and more especially the causes of it some of which are mention'd as I judge Lament 1.8 9. Jerusalem hath grievously sinn'd c. That so we may be led thereby to the cure which I fear we much want as they of old Jer. 8.6 They spake not aright no man repented him of his wickedness saying What have I done Ah! the Lord hath yet a work to do on Mount Zion before the rod can will be removed as in Isa 10.12 Wherefore it shall come to passe that when the Lord hath performed his whole work upon Mount Zion and on Jerusalem c. And were that done judgement would soon return to Righteousnesse and all the upright in heart should follow it But alluding to the Acts 26.8 I would yet say Why should it be thought a thing incredible that God should raise the dead considering what he hath done in this late captives case and what is Prophesied and promised he will do more publickely in the most needful season Isai 5.9 from the first to the sixteenth much our case as thou maiest read at leasure and yet his cure reacheth it mention'd in v. 17. compare also Isa 51.3 where he hath promised to comfort Zion with all her waste places c. and in v. 22 23. Thus saith thy Lord the Lord and thy God that pleadeth the cause of his people Behold I have taken out of thine hand the cup of trembling even the dregs of the cup of my fury thou shalt no more drink it again but I will put it into the hand of them that afflict thee c. And many other pretious words of the like import which I shall not mention here being well considered doth afford us in this vally of Achor a door of hope But that I may not detain thee from this Feast of fat things the best of which is last according to Christs old Method John 2.10 I shall haste to a close in the words of the Psalmist Psal 107.43 Whoso is wise and will observe these things even they shall understand the loving kindnesse of the Lord Which that my soul with thine may be taught to do and improve accordingly I beg thy earnest supplications for me at the throne of grace who am the most unworthy to make mention of the name of the Lord or any concerns of his yet desire to be found in this evil day bearing my part with his poor Mourners having much cause under the sence of my own and sight of other abominations abounding in this day calling to that duty Yet cannot but rejoyce in this great deliverance wrought for this poor soul hoping and longing for the remaining deliverances purchased for and promised to whole Zion which the Lord hasten in his time even so AMEN W. ALLEN Sand in Devon the second day of the first Moneth 1657. To every true Mourner over his own and Zion's sins and sorrows especially to such in the Churches of Christ in Ireland to whom the soul-sinking sorrows of Mistrisse Deborah Huish the Subject of the ensuing treatise was well known John Vernon their Brother in Christ and Companion in Heavinesse for Zions sake wisheth grace for strength in weaknesse to wait still in weeping and supplication until the times of refreshment shall come from the presence of the Lord Amen Even so come Lord Jesus come quickly Amen BEloved you have herewith brought unto you an Olive-branch shewing forth the floods abatement and the rest and safety of the soul that is entered into the Ark of God the ransome of a poor Prisoner out of the Pit indeed in which there was no water which will be I know the more welcome to some of you I hope only to the praise and glory of God on high because you so long wept before his Heavenly Throne and made your humble supplication to him almost unto fainting for her who was bound of Satan so many years yet that the height and depth length and breadth of the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord might be the more admired of all and magnified herein And this Monument of mercy may remain in the Churches throughout all ages towards the support of such as sit in darknesse and see no light I am willing though most unworthy to adde my mite towards the compleating this account of the grace of God extended to my poor late distressed Sister Mistrisse Deborah Huish who is now made rich in Faith through grace and the wise Virgin-subject of this ensuing Relation to the truth of which as delivered by her with much fear and joy with trembling received and faithfully written from her lips by my dear
succour from him let me adde further this observaâ—ion to yours that a special Friend whose affection led him further and longer at a certainty then mine or any I observed to weep for her and to reprove others for fainting and neglects of her before him yet lately wrote from Ireland to me his despairing also concerning her at the very interim God our God who comforteth those that are cast down was surely succoring her and incouraging his poor mourning fainting followers whose Spirits were willing though the Flesh was weak as he will further do in their sight unto publick admiration for those who in this evil time shall go forth weeping bearing pretious seed according to his promise Psal 126.5 6. and their Prayers in the fourth verse Yea when there is but little Faith in the Earth for alas how have we even we that were nearest related also left off our hope for this poor soul Yea how have I to my shame that had the charge of her failed most herein I must say indeed to my abasement the weights and fear of her untimely end the cares of keeping her from any Instrument to accomplish it and the dread of divers kinds that so long encompassed me concerning her with the trouble we had to get her eat her bread and to gaining her under hearing the word of God which is more necessary with the discouraging influence of living under the dayly droppings of those many dismal predictions she uttered of her suddain and certain ruine destruction after more then three years care of the kind aforesaid and so many attempts and faintings Alas Paimed now at no more in my own mind then to get her safe again delivered into her dear Parents hands that my face might not be covered with shame according to my fear of her untimely end at such distance from them which being accomplished by the good hand of God in our safe Voyage through his special grace who led us and our little ones through his stormy deep and after some hazzards landed us in safety which I wish we may not let slip alas she almost fell out of my memory and was seldom in my Prayer the Lord grant me the mercy of her earnest supplications for which Jobs Friends were made humbly to apply to him through like frailty towards him in his sorrow as I have reason to impute to my self towards her herein Thus hath the Lord our God stained the pride of all glory as he shall yet more publickely do unto his praise and give grace to the humble that they who glory might onely glory in him as the great end of his works of wonder his great Salvations and the operations of the Almighty in the Earth that the faint who relie on the Lord may be revived that youths and every confident one may faint and be humbled before him Wherefore Beloved I beg the best effects in every heart of this unspeakable mercy and to the glory of God in the highest which I trust is the onely end why my poor Brother and Companion in mourning for our own sins and shortnesse and for yours also which have the greatest hand in hiding good things yea the expected publicke Salvations also from us have agreed by the Advice of divers who are also in the dust for Zion in this dark declining day to recommend this token of good from God our Father and yours unto you towards the support of your sinking souls in his cloudy gloomy houre with our poor Epistles full of affection to your pretious souls affixed to this gratious earnest of releasing drooping dying Captives who shall draw nigh to and alone depend on God And these I trust shall come to every hand with some effect of our earnest Prayer that the Lord God Almighty to save would accompany it and greatly bless this grain of Mustard seed to make it grow and multiply unto the Faith and refreshment of many the abasement of all and the glorious exaltation of our King who sitteth at the right hand of the Father for us and sends the Comforter to succour his feeble ones in earnest of his care of those who cast their care upon him who onely hath the healing Medicines and will surely right soon therewith visit such in every Nation When all the proud how high soever and they who still do wickedly shall be as stubble before him Mal. 4.1 2. 2 Sam. 22.28 Oh that this pretious answer to your supplications in the best season might be now improved as a prop to uphold your hands with the Rod of God therein in this doubtful day that Amalek may not prevail Oh! wrestle fervently in the unspeakable priviledge of Faith and with Christ in your Armes present your weepings and spread your supplications before the Father in other distressed cases still before you by this incouragement yea let us improve it to publicke as well as private benefit for surely patterns of mercy should be so made use of 2 Cor. 1.10 And call for Faith in the path of them as the most natural improvement 1 Tim. 1.16 Heb. 13.5 as well as to dread the expectation of a contrary portion in the contrary path Psal 125.5 And as the Declaration of Judgements with the cause assigned or the way into them warneth all and speaks incouragement to none so the manifestation of grace and the path thereof is an incouragement to all in the same path and Spirit which was eminently seen of old in God's special presence with Israel in driving back Jordan by his mighty Power for their present deliverance and their adversaries destruction for which they erected Pillars of praise to encourage the future Faith and hope of faithful ones that should follow God fully as his Servant Joshua did Yet could not Israel then have the least ground to expect the driving back of Jordan again or removing other difficulties to have incouraged their retreat or furthered any humane design to which they were sometimes subject through unbelief Neither in our dayes have any persons ground to suppose much lesse to conclude that the Lords eminent presence in the high places of the field scil Naasby and other parts with his people while they faithfully followed him can now yeeld any incouragement to expect the like presence of God while they are turning back and declining from him Neverthelesse new appearances of the like glorious presence with the truely humble followers of the Lord as the matter should require might again be safely expected from the Majesty on high who by the former no doubt manifested his right-hand Power for the strengthening of the Faith and hope of all upright followers of him according to Psal 33.8 9 10 11. and Psal 36.6 7 8 9. and Mic. 6.5 And the very end of the Lords deferring to relieve Lazarus whom he loved until he was dead and laid in the Grave and so no visible hopes left unto his Disciples touching his present resurrection was to the intent they might believe Joh.
11.15 not that he raised him onely which every sensual beholder would believe but that in future distresses in their greatest depths they might depend on him by that proof of his Power to save to the uttermost And no doubt Israel of old of whom it s said They soon forgot his works was so ravish'd with the red Sea wonder that they ever retained the Theory thereof and could all of them relate it to any that should ask them either in matter or manner concerning it but their not retaining the Teaching sence thereof for use in point of thankfulnesse for past deliverances and of Faith in their future straits in the way of following God left them to those fears through which they fell short of obeying God and entring Canaan Now therefore thou poor sinking despairing soul who sittest in darknesse and seest no light Learn thou assuredly this pattern of mercy and long suffering is to manifest to thee that the Lord's thoughts are higher then thine that so thy soul may be encouraged under the sentence of death by reason of sin through believing to have life and hope in him If thou sayest Is any sorrow like my sorrow Yea is any sin like my sin and truely considerest the sorrow of this soul and most desperate sin of a secret Devilish mind in this case related with her confident expectation of Hell thereupon on the one hand and the gratious pity and acceptance she found from Christ being embraced by him as in open Arms so soon as truely perswaded humbly to come unto him on the other hand I hope it will silence such suggestions distressing thee and seal to thy comfort the truth of that promise that is so richly confirmed to her John 6.37 Now if any accepted through grace should abate in their Faith because their present Feast seems not so full nor their entertainment so sensibly free as that whereat this soul now sits so fully refresh'd I trust if in their weaknesse supporting grace be surely afforded and they found waiting in their Fathers house and affaires that word shall suffice to balance them from fainting and fretting at such grace to others recorded Luke 15.31 32. And that her years of sorrow shall be by such considered according to Ps 90.15 Make us glad according to the dayes wherein thou hast afflicted us And oh that this might warn all of every sin and neglect which being bound on her soul have been found so long and so heavy a load but how shall I utter the evil and bitter effects thereof better then by asking the serious soul what debasing defiling and enslaving misery himself hath experienced as the effect of but eating the forbidden fruit at first and that by another Yea with design to be made more Spiritual neither have good mens good meanings excused the least transgression or error This treatise will tell you also what those poor souls lose who neglect or are slighty in family-endeavours in the word and Prayer in both which she found more benefit through grace then in more able publick Administrations under which some can scarcely profit through their horrid neglect herein and will have poor kindred Children and Servants one day complain of their loss by living under the shadow of such few of whom will shine as Stars in the Firmament according to the promise Dan. 12.3 if they persist in the neglect thereof and forget that exhortation Eph. 6.4 That I may not make an end of these poor hints towards the improving this mercy without remembring the Mourners in Dublin of another elect one I trust whose secret sins standing in the light of God's countenance humbly waited for his Salvation so many solemne dayes among them possessing Months and years of sorrow and they of tears for her poor soul who alas is not now found in the way of the true converts path Psal 116.17 18 19. And will surely as Jacob have her fears renewed for building short of Bethel when new troubles shall incompasse her and the Courts short of the Lord's prove unable to comfort Oh that this effectual experience of breaking the bands of Satan for another who was with lesse hope and expectation so oft joyned with her in your intercessions may renew your strength in supplication for her whose seeming weanednesse from the world and the weights of such vain Company as now beset her sometimes administred hopes that she would never be ashamed to chuse affliction with the people of God nor be otherwayes then as Hester in the Court of the miss-informed and enraged against them Oh! that by fervent wrestlings she might be raised again from every false rest and as being plucked by the Arm of the Almighty as a fire-brand out of the fire might be saved from all vain pomp infecting Company and customes the fury of the highest of men and from smoother temptations more near unto her promising her liberty in neglects and so beguiling her of her choisest good as the Tempter beguiled Eve yea working I fear with the stumbling-Block of the falls of some found in the wayes of God improved to the utmost in this evil day to prejudice souls with them so that many indeed are now offended in Christ and I much long that a Soverain love to his holy wayes might preserve her from that evil According to Psal 119.11 165. Yea let the kindnesse of Gideon be remembered to oblige us herein who unweariedly with unparalell'd uprightnesse shewed forth his labour of love to the Lord and to us in the Lord unto death resting much in the perswasion that his dearest relation and Children left behind him amongst us would never more be beset with the unexpected snares of that sort now encompassing but be in the constant special care of the most faithful of the Saints delighting herself with David in those that excel in vertue Me thinks this mercy improved aright without diversion may be extended also to Administer reviving to the poor Prisoners for righteousnesse sake who onely in a way of righteousnesse shall humbly wait for the Salvation of God notwithstanding the publicke reproach cast upon them by men of corrupt minds For behold the hand of the Lord who led Joseph through Imprisonment slanders and many difficulties and thereby fitted him for further special publick relief and benefit though his Brethren meant not so Gen. 50.20 is not yet shortened but here shewed gloriously in the ransome of this sometimes poor hopelesse Prisoner that distressed ones may have hope in him Who causeth light to arise out of darknesse leading his Prisoners forth in his set time and season who will say shortly to his Captives Shew your selves according to Isai 49.9 And surely this may help to succour also the whole Zion of God though she be ready to say My God hath forgotten me Oh that therefore that travel spoken of Isa 66.6 7 8. c. were now begun by all that have their hearts heavy loaden with their own and others Iniquities and that
the mercy of God But behold here the God of truth whose grace is sufficient to support under and deliver effectually from such soul-sinking considerations making Satan appear to be what indeed he is a Lier And seasonably succouring this dejected despairing soul who for a long time had the sentence of death in her self and was far from expecting that blessed issue that is fince brought forth in her soul by the mighty Power and naked Arm of the Lord who hath hereby helped her to see what little reason she had or hath to trust in her self and the sure ground he hath now given her to stay on him as the living God who raiseth the dead so that she is now made able yea willing to acknowledge His great gooddesse that hath delivered her from so great a death 2 Cor. 1.9 10. and doth deliver and is still helped to hope and trust that he will yet deliver and strengthen her Faith to quench all the flâ—y darts of the Devil Behold yet further the exceeding Riches of God's grace not a little illustrated by setting free this Prisoner sometimes even past hope in her own and some others apprehensions She that was for a long season sadly concluding with the distressed Church in Lament 3.18 That her strength and hope was perish'd from the Lord Is now saying with Saul in Acts 9.6 Lord what wilt thou have me to do And with the Psalmist thankfully inquiring What shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits towards me And in some measure inabled to resolve with him To take the Cup of Salvation and to call upon the name of the Lord as Psal 116.12 13 14. And she that was lately in her own esteem not so good as a Dog yea to use her own words worse then any Devil is now By the Father of mercies and God of all consolations made meet to be partaker of the inheritance of the Saints in light The sad sentences she had oft past upon her self in the sense of her sins being now gratiously reversed by her Heavenly Father who hath set her feet in a large place so that now if sin Satan her own corruptions or any other spiritual Adversary comes to lay any thing to her Clarge she may be ready the Lord assisting to produce her pardon and able to say from blessed experience as in Rom. 8.33 34. It is God that justifâ—eth who is he that condemneth that it is Christ that died yea rather that is risen again who is even at the right hand of God who also maketh intercession for us And I hope this eminent instance of his grace abounding above the abounding of sin added to other Examples of this kind recorded in his holy word will help to support and succour some poor souls under the like discouragement to hope in his mercy who waits to be gratious and surely he hath gratious ends in affording this and such like deliverances which greatly concernes all persons to labour to understand and improve aright First then let sinners of all sorts both in Zion and out of it from the insuing narrative take notice of the sad ensnaring and soul-destroying nature of sin and the wages of it which this poor soul as she feared had certainly found to be eternal death had not the God of grace whose loving kindnesse is better then life caused her to hear the joyful sound of the voice of the Son of God that her soul might live John 5.25 Secondly from the consideration of the mercy she hath obtained let poor sinners be incited and incouraged to come unto God through Christ for mercy who knows how to multiply pardon to the worst of sinners as in Isai 55.7 with Nehe. 9 17. Especially let such as are inquiring the way to Zion with their faces thitherward Though with trembling hands hearts and all that are planted in the house of the Lord be incouraged to wait upon God who will in no wise cast out those that come unto him Let the first of these labour to look to the Lord that they may be enlightened (a) Psalm 34.5 And let the other be confirm'd in the experience they have had of his great goodnesse that so God may have all the glory from both as a Fruit of this special favour afforded to this his hand-maid in so signal a return of many Prayers for which proportionable praises should wait for and be duly rendered unto our God in Zion who is a present help in the needful time of trouble I shall not adde but to intreat thee to read and consider well before thou censurest or seeme to despise the ensuing subject as the day of small things but labour rather to weigh the worth of this mercy in the Balance of the Sanctuary That so thou mayest understand the end and use of it and be help'd to improve it aright to the praise of the Author of every good and perfect gift and the profit of thine own soul that so thou mayest be able to say with the Prophet of old Micha 7.18 Who is a God like unto thee that pardoneth Iniquity and passeth by the transgressions of the remnant of his heritage that retaineth not his anger for ever because he delightin mercy And from thence be incouraged to wait upon him for the fulfilling that faithful word Isai 40.29 30 31. He giveth power to the faint and to them that have no might he increaseth strength c. Compared with Psal 27.14 Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart wait I say on the LORD ROB. DOYLY To all both small and great that have either tasted of the rich grace of God or desire to be made partakers thereof through Jesus Christ our Lord. Men and Brethren THough we were very much strangers both to the person and state of this gratious hand-maid of the Lord the subject of this ensuing treatise during the time of her sore bondage and captivity of Spirit and so had no share with those that in a solemn manner expresly on her account sympathized sighed and groaned to God in her behalf Yet having now through grace we trust we may say to the advantage of our souls heard out of her own mouth in the midst of the Congregation to which we belong to wit the Church of Christ at Dalwood in Dorset the wonderful deliverance which God hath wrought fâ—r her poor soul We cannot but in a special manner rejoyce with her and blesse the Most High for his unspeakable mercy That this work is of the Lord and soul-work indeed it speaks for it self to all the wise in heart That the Relation is very faithfully made We do hereby testify having as we said before heard out of her own mouth the substance of the whole who then in point of circumstance would have been more particular and large had not time and the earnest sollicitation of a near Relation of hers whom God had used in some good measure
have continued under such assaults eversince more or less till the time hereafter specified when the Lord of his free Mercy began to make way for my escape I do also remember that I had not onely despising slighting thoughts of God but also of his people calling them in my thoughts though not with my lips lyars But when I did think I consented to such thoughts then horrour would seize upon me even to overwhelme me and in this condition I remained till my going into Ireland which was about June 1654. After my coming there the Lord visited me with the Small-pox and in that time of sicknesse I thought I had some refreshment from the Lord by consulting his word but was suddenly after assaulted with more and worse blasphemous thoughts then ever before and then did verily believe I was possessed with the Devil and did think I talked with him and heard him say that God loved to torment and bring misery upon his Creatures which thoughts were so pressing upon me that I was ready to wish the destruction of the Almighty and did to my thinking hate him crying out in the hearing of many I am undone to Eternity and so remaineth till lately And so dreadful were these last mentioned thoughts to my soul that from that time I concluded I had committed the sin against the holy Ghost which before I did onely think I had but now was confirmed in it and began to think I had really trampled under foot the blood of Jesus Christ and had done despite to the Spirit of grace and thence concluded that nothing now remained but a fearful looking for of vengeance that should devour the Adversary and this put me into unexpressible torments night and day thinking the Devil would come and fetch me away and I believed I was certain of it and when any went to pray for me I thought that hastened my destruction and therefore I hated them for it and had in my mind many sad wishes as to those that prayed for me counting Hell my portion and that I should by such means be sooner cut off and that they sin'd in praying I having sin'd against the holy Ghost thought they ought to hate me but not pray for me I did also think I alwayes heard a fearful sound in my ears especially when it was windy or rainy weather and then thought I should be cast into Hell presently which made an unexpressable torment of mine to think of it and yet under all the means used to seek God for me I found no benefit But at Dublin when dayes were set apart to seek God for me I dreaded those dayes above all other thinking verily that God was ingaged in honour to come out against me in fierce indignation as also against such as sought him on my behalf and I did many times think the Lord in a way of judgement would turn me into some filthy hateful Monster or other as a Memorial of his just displeasure against me and all the time that prayers were put up for me which was very frequent in Dublin as also discourses very often with me I could not perceive that any ever took the least hold on my heart but still I had that Scripture oft on my thoughts (a) Psal 65.5 By terrible things in righteousnesse wilt thou answer them which I understood to be some answer in a way of judgement as to me I had also that Scripture much on my heart (b) Matth. 12.31 32. He that sins against the holy Ghost shall never be forgiven in this world nor in that which is to come And as to reading the Scriptures my heart was much averse to it oneiy sometimes out of compassion to others I did read and sometimes did mind them what the casting off the Scriptures had cost me who is now rejected for ever wishing them to take heed of the like but it was very seldome that I did this and long ere I could bring my heart to it I do also remember when I lived at Clantarfe in Ireland and used to go to Dublin sometimes to hear the word I have often thought when I went I should be destroyed ere I came back again and when I did hear I strove all I could to forget what I heard or read having my expectations of Hell so heightened by all such means that I could not endure it would have given any thing I might never have gone to have heard or prayed more it did so increase the torments of my soul And when I came into the place where I used to hear I stâ—ll expected to hear some sudden voice from Heaven declaring my destruction and did think many times that the wind arose just as I came to that place to hear and did believe the Lord must needs appear in judgement against me for coming and sitting as one of his people among them whom I in my heart hated and would long that the duties might be ended that I might be free from those feares that were upon me while there I do also remember that almost every thing did afright me either a cloudy day the Sun or Moon Eclipsed or the Suns rising red in a morning or the wind blowing high All these I thought were signes of my destruction that I did believe the Lord would execute upon me for my hatred against him and his wayes And indeed such an inveterate hate I had against him that I judged I loathed and abhorred the doing good to any saying in my self that the Lord would damn and destroy me and why should I do any good I also wished many times I had never been born or had never had eyes to see or ears to hear or else had been made the most contemptible Creature in the world because when they die there is an end of them but when I die my misâ—ry then begins I also wished I might â—â—ever hear any one speak more from the Scriptures to me for I reckoned all that had spoken to me either in sicknesse or in health would be witnesses against me and so aggravate my sin and misery because I had such warnings and had not harkened to them but to the Devil and especially Mr. Patient a Minister of the word in Dublin coming to me in the time of my sicknesse and speaking of the great danger of an impenitent state if the Lord should cut the thrid of life that such persons would drop immediately into Hell the which he endeavoured to demonstrate to me that I thought he would be the principal witnesse against me of all that had spoke with me so that I now saw my self without hope and the mercy of the Lord utterly taken from me not as it was from Saul but far worse I having sinned against far greater light and more warnings and after such tasts and enlightnings to fall away it was impossible to renew me again unto repentance but concluded I should suddainly be destroyed and that without remedy This being my case I
remember after my sickness in Dublin aforementioned what fretful hateful thoughts I had of God saying in my mind I wil do this or that in despight of God and I could not think otherwise and such a hateful bent of spirit I had against the Lord that I was oft ready to say in my heart I will curse God and die and at last through the strength of temptation I was so far prevailed upon as I did in my thoughts curse God and all I could think of that belonged to him and then concluded my self damned indeed and that I was sure of it and then said to my self I am now sure I have committed the sin against the holy Ghost which is unpardonable and should now to Eternity be tormented with the Devil and his Angels and this sorely afflicted and overwhelmed me in so much that I was once tempted to cast my self down out of a window to kill my self onely the dread of Hell I thought deterred me from it I did also strive to put horrour out of my mind all I could by enjoying outward comforts but alas these were all imbittered to me when I saw the end of such comforts I did also sometimes endeavour to divert these thoughts by businesse I set my self about but being sometimes hot at work I should have the heat of Hell-fire thereby brought to my mind and the terriblenesse of that represented to me But the greatest ease I had in these distracting terrours was by setting my self upon businesse but found my self so continually harrased with thoughts of Hell that my heart grew hard and stupid so that though I knew that was my portion yet I was unsensible of it unlesse at sometimes when horrour would violently break in upon me especially at such times as I was forced to go to hear when I still expected God to witnesse against me by some sore judgement from Heaven which upon every dark and stormy day especially I expected and did oft times judge I saw flashes of fire come upon my face putting me in mind of that horrible pit of darknesse I should one day fall into And many times when I went to bed I have been afraid to sleep lest I should be cast into Hell ere I waked again to prevent which I have oft resolved not to sleep onely sometimes through a stupid senslesse frame I should lye down and sleep not thinking of my danger but when I waked I wondered I was not in Hell yet could not be thankful for it but still thought I should be there shortly and though I lived never so long yet to be there at last would swallow up all this time as if it had not been and all the comforts I now enjoyed would but aggravate my sorrow and misery then when I shall be deprived of all and suffer for what I now enjoy upon which account all my comforts were bitter to me and when I tasted any thing I still thought what I should tast ere long in Hell which made me hardly able to eat my meat for I should thus reason Why should I eat and drink when I am in dayly expectation of being cast into Hell and then was that Scripture brought to mind (c) Esa 57.20 21. The wicked are like the troubled Sea that cannot rest whose waters cast up mire and dirt there is no peace to the wicked And many times when I have been at work suddain flashes of Hell have been as it were darted into my soul so that I have run out of the room where I was and would have run out of the Lords presence also if I could but alas my foul had no refuge to flye to from him nor can I remember that I had a heart so much as to seek for mercy onely in some great distresses sometimes I think I have used the words LORD HAVE MERCY UPON ME but without any hope or expectation of obtaining what I prayed for but concluded God would not save me unlesse he would deny himself and his word and though an Angel from Heaven should have told me of mercy I could not have believed it being so confident of the contrary and therefore I would tell those that endeavoured to fasten counsel comfort upon me it was but a casting Pearls before Swine and holy things to Dogs which God forbids And when several good women in Dublin did meet to seek the Lord on my behalf I thought sometimes especially once in Mistriss Patients house I smell'd Brimstone burning and expected nothing but destruction in the sence of which I did tremble exceedingly out of that deep horrour that was on my soul but still I got no sensible good in any of these meetings and when I have seen the mist ascend sometimes that minded me of that Scripture where 't is said (d) Rev. 14.11 The smoak of their torment ascendeth up for ever And I have oft as I have judged seen Michaels meeting-house in Dublin where we met to hear full of smoak all which I judged sealed and confirmed my destruction I do also remember when my dear Sister Allen died at Dublin in Ireland I had little or no sence of that with other like heavy stroaks of the Lord about that time upon divers other pretious ones but did believe they were taken away for my sake because they prayed for me and that I was onely left to fill up the measure of my Iniquity and therefore the Lord stopped many of their mouths by death that they might not pray any more for me but that I might be left to heap up wrath and aggravate my misery I do likewise remember one morning particularly at Dublin when I being in bed and called to rise I did believe verily I saw grievous flashes of lightning flie in my face which put me in strange honour And also another morning seeing the Sun rise in a misty frosty morning very red I had that Scripture come into my mind (e) Joel 2.31 of the Suns being turned into blood before the great and notable day of the Lord which I believed was then near to my destruction Another time being at a Christian Friends Mistriss Roe's house in Dublin in the night season I heard a voice as I judged over my head a great voice to which I hearkened and was thereby put into great horrour thinking it to be the Devil come to fetch me away and at last through anguish of soul was put into great trembling and sweat by reason of which I spake to Mistriss Roe who told me it was the people that lay over my head that talked But I did not believe her but still thought it was the Devil and towards morning I heard a ratling of Chains as I thought which I judged to be the Devils hasting to fetch me away with great rejoycing that they had got me then I asked Mistriss Ree what that noise was who told me it was onely people opening Shop-windows but that satisfied not me but I remained still