weeping And being asked by a Cardinall riding that way why he wept I Weep saith he to think that I never yet have thanked God for his blessing in making me a man and not such an odious beast as this is See saith the Cardinall how these Countreymen steal away heaven from us LXV To this we may adde what M. Fuller hath from report of a Gentleman travelling in a misty morning that ask'd a Shepheard What Weather it would be It will be said the Shepheard what weather pleaseth me and being courteously requested to expresse his meaning Sir saith he it shall be what Weather pleaseth God and what weather pleaseth God pleaseth me This is the only sure way to have our wils LXVI Pope Paul the third riding once out of Rome to take the air met a Countreyman who was an ancient proper man of a lively fresh colour with a Beard down to the Girdle in homely but comely clothes the Pope cals him to him and ask'd him of his age and condition of life The man saies that he was above fourscore and ten that he was an husbandman and lived upon a small Farm he had and that every day for business or the exercise of his body he walked on foot a mile or two that he had a Wife and Children Grand children and great Grand-children which made him stirre about for them And being asked by what means he kept that strength of Body at that Age He answered He had no changes of meat or clothes he used no sawces and he drove away all care from his heart as much as he could The Pope pleased with the man and his answer assign'd him a yearly pension of an hundred Crownes that he might spend the rest of his time the more cheerfully He thanks the Pope in these words I deny not Holy Father but that I owe you most humble thanks for your great Bounty yet I know that this will rather take away from the years of my life then adde any thing to them LXVII The Lord Verulam in that excellent work of his History of Life and Death among others tels a story of an ancient man above an hundred years old who was brought into the Court for a witnesse upon some ancient prescription who when the Testimony was finished was asked familiarly by the Judge By what means he came to live so long the man answers cross to expectation and with the laughter of the company by eating before I was hungry and drinking before I was thirsty LXVIII Stories of long lived Countreymen in our Countrey are needlesse for as the same Authour observes in England there is scarce a Village with any store of people where there is not to be found some one man or woman of fourscore And not long since in Herefordshire there was a Morrice-dance by eight men whose age reckoned together made up eight hundred years compleat some having over and above what the other wanted of an hundred LXIX Two Citizens being rid abroad in the Spring by chance they heard the Cuckow singing Now it is known who are noted by that Birds name where a poor injur'd man must suffer more also by the scorns of foolish wantons The Citizens hearing this Bird began to laugh one upon another and to ask To which of them the Bird dies sing and from contesting they felâ— to contending from jest to earnest and to a Sute of Law at last where the Lawyers having tam'd their purses sufficiently the Judge in the end pronounced this Sentence that the Cuckow did sing to neither the one nor the other of them but to her self only LXX There is an old superstitious saying among common people that if an Hare crosse the way it is bad luck but if a Woolf it is good luck unto which it is not amisse to adde this Story which I finde of a Countrey-man who going with his Cart and Horses to fetch wood an Hare meeting him he drew back again The next day going again his man spies a Woolf in the Wood and came and told him O saith he Master never fear good luck good luck Pliny is witnesse A little while after they being about their work and the horses let loose for grasing the Woolf comes and singles out one of them and after he had saluted the Horse clawing him after his manner he suddenly thrust his head into his belly and pulled out his guts which the Servant having seen runs to his Master and tels him that good luck was gotten into the middle of their Horses belly which the good man found true and became a sport to his neighbours Of such and thousands more of these Vulgar Errours there is a Learned Work extant of an excellent man Doctor Brown as likewise of D. Primrose in Points of Physick but concerning the originall of this in hand there is another learned man which gives a pretty guesse that the observation is true indeed yet no more but this that if an Hare crosse our way and scape our catching it is bad luck but if a Woolf crosss our way and be gone and so we escape his setting upon us it is good luck and this being thus spoken at first in jest by some witty fellow came after to be taken in earnest by the simpler sort LXXI A certain Countesse of the City Cosence in Calabria her Husband lately dead being to certifie by letter the Corporation who were her Subjects of their new Tenure subscribed The sad and unhappy Widow c. They thinking to imitate her and that they must give her her own Titles direct their letter back The Aldermen Magistrates and Governours c. To the sad and unhappy Widow our Lady c. and in the beginning Most illustrious and sad Lady c. These people although they bred the famous Telesius yet why they were called Brutii you may partly guesse by this story LXXII Nic. Picinninus a great Souldier but a blunt man meeting Antonius Panormitanus a famous Scholar and intending to passe a Complement thus bespeaks him May I not live Antony if I do not wish my self blinde as oft as I see you Panormitan troubled at these words sayes Why so my Lord since there is none that does honour your valour and brave actions more than I Picinninus smiling and straing to expresse himself most eloquently Thus it is saith he As oft as I see you with so great store of Learning and then again consider my self with so great store of little wit I both hate my self as contrary to you and I also reverence you as a learned man LXXIII A Woman whose childe was a naturall Fool was directed in waggery to a Gentleman in Florence who had been distracted she comes to him and saies Sir I was told that you were once out of your wits and I have a childe that is now in that case I pray you tell me how you were cured The Gentleman perceiving the simplicity of the woman said O good woman do not go about
saies one how does that Gentleman sweat and well he may said another having an whole Vineyard upon his back which it is to be understood that he had sold to put himself in brave clothes XLVIII One Johannes Gonzaga having store of money to spare which though it were his own already he went to try whose it should be had lost at dice bag after bag with much ease and pleasure for He that plays away his money must not value it At which his Son Alexander by name standing by look'd very sadly Upon which one of the company said Your Son here looks earnestly when you will win that he may have some share with you You are deceived saith Gongaza to think that Alexander hath any such low thoughts You know Alexander the Great wept fearing his Father Philip would leave him nothing to win and my Alexander on the other side is sad fearing that I shall leave him nothing to lose this is called Alexanders example inverted i. e. Alexander turned inside out turned out of all but I do not like these sad jests XLIX These every one I beleeve can parallel with some English Story M. Cambden tels us of a great Swaggerer that having lately sold a Mannor of an hundred Tenements came ruffling into the Court in a New Suit saying Am not I a mighty man that bear an hundred houses on my back which one that heard said he might have better employed it in paying his debts L. He relates a like Story of one Sir Thomas Rokesby in K. Richard the thirds dayes who being found fault with for being served so meanly in woodden cups and not in Plate answered These homely Cups pay truly for what they hold and I had rather drink out of wood and pay gold and silver then drink out of gold and silver and make wooden payment LI. A great Gallanto-Flanto-Ranto that had wasted much of his Patrimony seeing one M. Dutton a rich Gentleman but plain in a Gown not of the newest cut told him that he thought it had been his great Grandthers Gown It is so said M. Dutton and I have also my great Grandfathers Lands LII Your Fellow-Traveller where he so journed of late heard a merry conceit of a Gentleman of good means who drawing towards his end was much visited by a Cosen of his a very Spend thrift the Gentleman taking notice of his visits then and knowing what he look'd for told him once or twice that he thank'd him for his visits and that when he died He would leave him something to make him drink and at last appointed him he should call for what was in the corner of such a Cup-board The Gentleman being dead his cosen comes to call for his Legacy and when it was told him there was no mention of him in the Will he demands the key of such a Cup-board where indeed in the corner was found nothing but something which would make him drink if you must know it was a Red herring LIII Sir Edward Cook was wont to say when a great man can came to dinner to him and gave him no knowledge of his coming Well since you sent me no word of your coming you shall dine with me but if I had known of your coming I would have dined with you LIV. Sir Nicholas Bacon being keeper of the Seal when Queen Elizabeth in progresse came to his house at Red grave and said to him My Lord what a little house have you gotten said Madam my house is well but it is you that have made me too great for my house LV. Ferdinand King of Castile in his progresse turned into the house of one Alphonsus a famous man it was a stately building but had a narrow stair-case The King ask'ed him why he had not made larger stairs to so fair a house Alphonsus answers I never thought so great a Guest would have come into it LVI Philip the second King of Spain in his Journey was driven by a storm into a Countreymans house where he was forc'd to take up his lodging the Husbandman set before him such as he had and was much troubled at the entertainment of so great a person In the morning the King calling him to him gave him thanks and bid him ask wherein he might gratifie him The man answers I pray God to preserve your Majesty in life and health and grant that I may never see you here again LVII Two Noblemen vying complements who should first go in at a door one of them who seem'd to be forced to go first in as one must go in first said to the other Sir Now I think you under stand how carefull I am to be your servant since I so readily obey you in this which puts a shame upon me LVIII One using to come a little too ost to his Friends Table the Master of the house bid the dinner be stopp'd a while the man asking some of the Family Wheu the Dinner would come in the othar answers As soon as you are gone Sir LIX A Stranger being invited to Supper when he see Cheese the first dish that came in to the Table said But in our Countrey they do not bring in Cheese till the end of Supper It is true said the other and so they do with us LX. Augustus Caesar was invited to Supper by one of his old friends where he had but ordinary entertainment whereupon at his going he said I did not know that you and I were so familiar LXI One that was a great Eater coming to a Feast and complaining that He had lost his stomack one of the Company that was a poor man said I hope no body of our house hath found it for if they have we are utterly undone LXII In Genua some Citizens standing at their doors asked a Countreyman passing by for sports sake what time of the year Countreymen took most pleasure in In the Winter time said the Countreyman for then we can sit about the fire rosting of turneps and chestnuts and lie and sleep most sweetly by the Fire side what do you think of this life Truly said one Citizen You seem somewhat akin to the Hogs Why said the Countreyman What time of the Year do you of the City like best What but the Spring Fellow said the other when all is fresh and green when the flowers grow and the Birds sing Then said the Countreyman You are are some akin to our Asse who at that time of the year never leaves braying LXIII Scipio canvasing for Aedile meeting one of the people and taking him by the hand feeling it hard and brawny ask'd him in jest Whether he went upon his hands or his feet at which the Countreyman took such offence that he went about to his companions and told them how much Scipio scorned the people which raised such an indignation against him in the multitude that Scipio lost their suffrages and the office LXIV A Shepheard having spied an huge Toad gazed upon it and fell a
to be found two or three words concerning Orators which should here have had their place The next to them are Poets and as my Lord of Essex asked Sir Henry Savill What he thought of Poets that Learned Knight answered him That he thought them the best Writers next to them that wrote Prose And some of them are good men too such as do not worship Hethen Gods and sacrifice their wits to Mars Venus or Bacchus or idolize themselves by Romances and Whimzes XLV Miltiades a famous Athenian Souldier being asked Whether it were more honour to be Achilles or Homer answered That was such a question as to ask Whether it were more Honour to be a Commander or a Trumpetter XLVI One Andreas Maro who like our Kendall for his extemporary verfifying was famous and got in Rome the name of Archipoeta was invited by Leo the tenth who himself was poeticall where the Pope telling him he had heard of his great faculty and facility in verse He presently in a glorying manner said Archipoeta facit versus pro mille Poetis To whom the Pope as suddenly replies Et pro mille aliis Archipoeta bibit XLVII One Eobanus Hessus a great Wit and a good Poet was once with a Nobleman Gualter by Name He being to go abroad and ready to take Horse said to the Poet that he would give him a couple of Oxen if he would make him a Verse before he got into the Saddle whereupon Eobanus came out readily with this Verse Ascendat Gualter veniat bos unus alter And the Nobleman after his return was a Nobleman still and as good as hi word XLVIII One Marius of Laudia was showing Pope Clement the eighth a Copy of his verses the Pope within three Verses findes a fault and cries out O Mark here is a syllable too short Mark answers him It is no matter for that your Holinesse by and by will finde another too long This may be but in jest but there is another in earnest which makes a Rime against Rime which holds against Verse too Rime the rack of finest wits That expresseth but by fits True conceit Spoiling senses of their treasure Cousening judgement with a measure But false weight Wresting words from their true calling Propping verse for fear of falling To the ground Joynting syllables drowning letters Fastening vowels as with fetters They were bound c. XLIX A Musician and a Poet met at a victualing house where claiming kindred with a curse upon that Courtier that said they wanted brains they must dine together and bespoke a Calves head which was a dainty The man provides them their dinner but noting their discourse serv'd it in without the brains Why what is here said one of them It is said the Host a Musician and a Poet But he should have brought it in for if they wanted they had the more need of brains L. In a meeting of severall Poets one was reckoning up the severall sorts of them the Comici Tragici Epici Elegiaci Lyrici c. Stephanus Ferrarius said I wonder you have left out the most ordinary and most common sort of Poets Why said the other who are they Ferrarius answers the Famelici Studium quid inutile tendis To which purpose sure it is that the Fable was made of the Gnats which in winter came a begging to the Bees promising to teach their Children to sing but the Bees answered that their Children had learned a Trade already which would keep them from begging or starving in Winter Poesis vitae umbratilis delicatae accessio said Tully Poets like gnats cannot live but in Sunny dayes LI. But they will say Other Scholars go a begging They need not if they will take Dionysius his course who being not suffered to govern men got a command over children or if at lowest they will take the advice of the Propheticall Ballad made by a Vates indeed if they will draw their Indenture and be bound at adventure an Apprentice to a free School But though Democritus doth not like begging studying to deserve better yet praestat pudere quà m pigere and in cases of necessity Scholars may not be denied that which is free for all men for to appeal and to beg is every ones priviledge LII One Mauritius born of mean parentage and forced to get his living by Alms and Begging followed his Book at School so diligently that his School-fellows would in mockery call him Bishop of Paris which name he being noted by when he begged some would offer him liberally upon condition he would promise never to be Bishop of Paris But he gallantly would refuse every proffer upon those terms Which thing was generally laugh'd at but in time it prov'd a presage for he was after advanc'd to be Bishop of Paris indeed LIII A Scholar in his travels being rob'd and he that robs a Scholar they say robs more then one came to Cosmus Medices begging something of him Cosmus ask'd him how he became so ragged and out of fashion in his clothes The Scholar told him he was rob'd by the way of his money and clothes Yes saith Cosmus thou hast been rob'd but perhaps by gaming rather It is true said the Scholar by Fortunes great game whereby she takes from me and gives to such as you Cosmus finding him a Scholar put him in handsome clothes and furnished him with money for his journey This and divers other instances which might be set down confirms what one of the Philosophers said who being asked What a wise man differed from a fool answered Send them both naked to those that knâ—w them not and you shall perceive LIV. The Philosophers as we have said used to go a begging and they have handsome Apologies for it Diogenes being asked in scorn What the reason was that Philosophers haunted rich men and not rich men Philosophers he answers Because the one knew what they wanted the other did not and one saying to Aristippus Why should men rather give to the poor then to Philosophers He auswers Because they think themselves may sooner come to be poor then to be Philosophers The same Aristippus would say that He took money of his Friends not so much to use it himself as to teach them how to bestow their money The same Philosopher once begging a good summe of money of Dionysius King of Sicily The King said to him Why dost thou Aristippus beg that which you Philosophers make show as if you did despise and say that a wise man hath no need of Aristippus replies Give me the money first and then I will give you an answer to your question Dionysius gives him the money And now saith Aristippus do not you see that I have no need of what you talk of and and so our doctrine and my practice agrees well enough LV. Aeschines perceiving every one give Socrates something for a present said unto him Because I have nothing else to give I will give thee my self Do so
young girl Stay but a while sa d Cicero for she will be a woman to morrow The Lord Verulam saith that wiâ—es are young mens Mistresses middle mens Companions and old mens Nurses so that a man may have a quarrell to marry when he will but he addes to this speech of his an advice from one of the Ancients as wise counsell who being asked what time was the fittest for men to marry answered Young men not too soon other men not too late and old men not at all XLV Common sayings most forreign of wit and wisedome concerning house and home 1. God keep me from four houses an Usurers a Tavern a Spittle and a Prison 2. Chuse not an house near an Inne for noise or in a corner for filth 3. A Mountain and a River are good Neighbours 4. The way is a bad Neighbour 5. The house is a fine house where good folks are within otherwise Mock mouse-hall or Mock Beggars-hall 6. Silks and Sattins put out the fire in the chimney 7. Noble House-keepers need no doors 8. In a good house all is quickly ready 9. My house my house though thou art small Thou art to me the Escuriall 10. The bird loves her nest 11. I had rather eat dry bread at home then rost meat abroad 12. I had rather ask of my Syre brown bread then borrow of my Neighbour white 13. A woman and a house sute excellently 14. A woman is the key of the house 15. He that hath wife and children wants not businesse 16. An house well furnished makes a woman wise 17. A Ship and a woman are ever repairing 18. The more women look in their glasse the lesse they look to their house 19. That is the best gown which goes up and down the house 20. When prayers are done my Lady is ready for her dinner 21. The body is more dressed then the soul 22. Fine dressing is a foul house swept before the door 23. He who lets his wife go to every Feast and his horse drink at every water shall neither have good wife nor good horse Women and Cats to stay at home Men and dogs to go abroad 24. Women and hens are lost by gadding 25. Gossips like frogs do drink and talk 26. Three women make a Market some adde a goose 27. Women laugh when they can and weep when they will 28. Advise none to marry or to go to war 29. In chusing a Wife and buying a sword we ought not to trust another 30. Dally not with money or women They who marry where they do not love will love where they do not marry 31. Never was strumpet fair 32. A fair Wife and a frontier Castle breed quarrels 33 A fair woman and a pink'd garment is ever meeting with some tenter-hook 34 A woman and a glasse are ever in danger 35 He that hath a fair wife she is not all his own 36 He that chuseth for beauty his Wife seems fair to him for half a year and theu she seems fair to others 37 Fair is not fair but that which pleaseth 38 He that marries for wealth sels his liberty 39 As many kinsmen to a rich wife so many Masters and one more 40 Unlucky is the house where the hen crows 41 In the Husband wisedom in the wife gentlenesse 42 He that marries afar off either would cheat or will be cheated 43 Marry a widow before she leave mourning 44 He that brings into his house a stepmother and two children brings three theeves 45 He that marries late marries ill 46 The Off-spring of those that are very young or very old is not lasting 47 A man lives anew as oft as he hath children and dyes as oft as he loseth them 48 No love to a Fathers 49 Love like waters run swiftest downwards 50 One Father is enough to maintain an hundred sons but not a hundred sons one Father 51 He that hath but one son he comes often in his minde 52 He that hath one Hogge makes him fat and he that hath one Sonne makes him a Fool. 53 The first service a childe doth to his Father is to make him foolish 54 Children when they are little make their Parents Fools but when they are great they do make them mad 55 He that wipes the childes Nose kisseth the Mothers cheek 56 He that loves the Tree loves the branch 57 Three things are ill handled Wine in the hand of a Dutchman a Bird in the hand of a childe and a childe in the hand of a Grand father 58 He that cockers his childe provides for his enemy 59 A pitiful Mother makes a scall'd head 60 Better children weep then men 61 A kick of the damme hurts not the colt 62 Learn weeping and thou shalt laugh gaining 63 She that is born handsome is born married 64 A poor beauty findes more suitors then husbands 65 Marry your Son when you will your daughter when you can 66 He that marries his daughter well hath got a Son He that marries her ill hath lost a daughter 67 Vertue and a trade are the best Portions 68 God Parents and our Master can never be requited 69 In a Trade a man rests on himself in a service upon another And better is one foot then two Crutches 70 He that is a servant must serve 71 He commands enough that obeys a wise man 72 He that serves well need not ask his wages 73 Serve a noble disposition the time will come that he will requite thee 74 A good service is a great inchantment 75 Service without reward is punishment 76 He can give little to his servant that licks his knife 77 He that hath no more then needs must not keep a dog 78 An Asse will endure his burthen but no more then his burthen 79 A sleepy Master makes his servant a Lowt 80 What can the Cat help it if the maid be a fool set things in her way 81 Wo to the house where there is no chiding 82 A gentle Huswife marres the Houshold 83 When God is Master of the house he disorders the disorderly 84 To let children or servants do what they will is neither the way to make them good nor any peece of goodnesse 85 Choose none for thy Servant that must be entreated to serve thee 86 Choose none to serve thee that hath served thy betters 87 A Kinsman or a Friend will look for more and do lesse then a Servant 88 At dinner my man appears 89 Thy Master is thy steward and thy Caterer 90 Every one is Master and Servant 91 He that hath one Servant hath two he that hath two hath but half an one and he that hath three hath none at all XLVI Democritus is now to walk from home with his Franciscan Hackney in his hand and being abroad he is to take as he findes every one in his humour some bragging and boasting of themselves others apish and affecting to imitate others some quarelling and some fighting some detracting and accusing others as