occasion as he in his distress desired and amongst many good things recorded there concerning the Lords deare and tender love to mankinde in Jesus Christ calling unto him to forsake the evill and to cleave to the good and much more and that then he would soon confound his foes and give him an inheritance in the promised land of blessings And he also took notice how that David cryed out and mourned long as well as he and of Jobs affliction and Pauls bewaileing him self and saying o wretched man that I am and others which he took notice of in that his inquisition here upon he concluded that he must not bee to curiouss or nice in that his search he might in so doing for ought he knew tempt God and be distrustfull of his Saviours merits and some he saw cautioned thus in their preachings and some told him whom he acquainted him self with for advice which he sought after that although it be said that those who are born of God or are Gods elect they sin not that is said they they sin not willingly or constantly as reprobates and wicked men do but with reluctancie and it was to keep them humble in their own eyes God saw it good to be so or elce man would be puffed up in spirituall pride and grow forgetfull of Gods mercies and wax wanton and careless in an easefull Spirit so then thought he its as well with me it may be as with others as is my state such is there then onely they lived over a distrustfull and perplexing spirit which he gave way unto and must be content it must be so he thought he could not help it so endeavourd according to the practise of the world to disesteem or slight him that smot him as judging him not his freind at all but his enemy and as some thing starting in his minde like an idle dream to fright him and to stir up doubts and questionings in him concerning his salvation and obtaining the Love of God in Jesus Christ then that he through and by that should at last come to attaine thereunto For by this time he had heard so much by the report that was thereof in the world and by his searching of the Scriptures concerning death and judgment salvation and damnation that he thought that if he was not one of the elect and so besaved know and inherit the joyes of the blessed and ransomed of the Lord that then he must be in a wofull and wretched state in deed for he had heard and read that hel was a place and did beleeve it to be so of endless torment endless paine and miserie burning with fire and brimstone and that the fire should never go out or be extinguished nor the worm dy or the damned come to an end of their torment as at a time hearing of one in a despayring condition he with others visited her who amongst other things she sayd O that the Lord had preserved me as he hath preserved you but I am seald down under damnation for ever were it to be but for a hundred thowsand yeares there would then be hopes of an end but it is sayd she for ever for ever The man he thought them happy which knew the right way or way of salvation and did beleeve that there was one although he did not understand it or know where or which it was for there was many wayes which he heard took notice of Men crying up one while one and crying downe at another crying downe one another for them which verifyed that saying that there is away that seemeth right to a man but David sayd I have chosen the way of truth and here by he could not attaine at any certainty or come to an assurance or infalibilitie of judgment amongst them now he had read of a perfect and everlasting way but saw not him self in it neither could he find it for he saw men beleeving at a large rate and applying promises in a strange way which he could not understand by what knowledge he had attained to by reading the scriptures or his owne condition to have been the foot steps of the antient travellers in the way of Syons salvation which is redeemed with Judgment here upon he sought more strictly to inquier in to religion and to take a more seriouss observation thereof by considernig those who so much seemed the promotion of it and he found them in astrange contradiction and contrariety One crying lo here another lo there that he knew not how to resolve or come at any certainty or where to center himself in so great a concern as the salvation of his soule was for he was for that namely the reall and infalible salvation of it or elce if he could not come thiter he should not esteem of religion and salvation so much talked of up and downe in the world more then afiction or a dream which is deceiveable the talk thereof according to the custom of the world he had proved and must know it saved or nought would be of advantage and satisfaction unto him Here upon he sayd that he saw no reason why he should order himself by other mens Methods and Prescriptions and the rather because he had read as well as proved them void of answering to his necessitouss state that he must give an account for him self and that to a vaine thought and idle word as well as for transgressions of greatest evils and that none could answer for his brother and he had a desire it was so with him that he might give his account with joy and receive the heavenly blessed reception Well don good and faithfull servant ... enter into thy Masters joy Afther this he thought with him self to make tryall and to serch into the matter very strictly as he could or should be able for the voice of the awackening Word of the Lord and the entrance of it in his heart he felt and the disquietings it wrought there peace he would gladly have had but it fled from him and in stead thereof astonishments and perplexities and he was as a wounded heart which fearfully fled to escape its wounding even whilst she carried them along with her for the more he strove for releife the farther off it seemed to be removed from him Some did reflect upon his actions and him accounted as a fool and lightly esteemed they him because they saw his visage Marring and that he had not that felowship or frendly society with them as formerly seeming to be a man disrespecting that rather then eagerly persuing of it or rejoiceing in it as some times before he had don some againe thought he was mad or would be distracted or some thing of evill would happen unto him and be his ruin so that theire acceptation or esteem of him was as if he became a burthen or load unto them and not a joy or delight thus his wonted freinds seemed to frown upon his frequenting their societies accounting his
he could gladly endure a corrosive that so he might be healed Now he was thus groaning and sithing forth himself in his sorrowfull state being alone and haveing no eye minde or desire after any outward help or deliverance haveing tryed all wayes and meanes as a foresaid that he could think of or imagine and being at times affected with this kinde of way as feeling then some thing of satisfaction and rest of minde to flie or glaunce through him he at this time was againe visited in the opening word of the Lord by his tender and composionate freind although he had not an eye as yet to look upon him so to be nor a heart so to esteem of him it being strange or not at all to be considered off by him that he that did wound and kill should do it thereby to heale and make a live yet he in the movings of his deare tender and everlasting loveing kindness said thy destruction is of thy self thy help is in me then the man thought there might be help still but the deceiver he secretly wrought thus whence come this knowes thou whence it comes or whither it will give not way to a fancie a dream slying through thine imagination thou knowest not whither least thou build castles in the ayre as men use to speake and thou be left at last to fall not haveing a foundation Thus the man hurried to and again knew not what to do willing he was to have releife glad he should be to receive comfort a saviour cryed he for and desireous was to have but knew not where to finde him in want and destress anguish and perplexity he was these things abounded in him what should he do to whom should he speak or call to or cry unto or by what have might he have hopes and finde releife he found all as miserable comforters and none that could tell him where his beloved was or whilst he said tell me could answere if thou knowest not get the forth by the steps of the flock and feed thy kids by the tents of the shepheards He had read much talked sometimes of a feast of fatt things which the Lord would make he wished and desired such hunger was in his soule with desire of spirit that he knew where it was and might at last come to eate thereof or at least wise get some crums of it that would be better to him then that pineing woefull state that he was in and be more hopefull of affording some redress in his necessity What help had not he tryed and sought after to enjoy that so he might know a release from his perplexities Men he had tryed and their writings many read had made diligent search and inquiry into their lives their deeds and conversations wherein their face was religiouss and he found not thereby him whom he desired and marvelling at the sight of some whom he cast upon an eye of observation they seemed to be heart whole and merry without such heart smart as he felt untill he was ready to murmer in him self for and because of their prosperity and he hoped at some times that they might have been phisitians of worth to him by the long profession that they would beseemed or thought to have made in Zyons wayes which not withstanding were ready to over look him in his adversities as one whom they had no bowels of compassion for and passed by as one whose miseries they had no fellow feeling of so could not see them skilfull enough nor of that profissiencie after all their noise and great stir in the profession of Religion as to speak a word in due season to a man afflicted as he was And upon this he was confirmed in his former resolve concerning them that he saw noe reason why he should lean upon them for help for he found no stabilities in their goings or found judgment whence counsell and advice should proceed or that they were established on a rock or come to the munition of rocks the center of the righteouss in all ages and generations but were as men treading in slipperie places and seemed to be tottering and as ready to fall although not in their owne eyes Then he desired to retire againe and thought in him self so to do from any hope or expectation of succour from them and chouse rather a solitary place to mourn in esteeming him self increasing in his perplexities rather then the enjoying or haveing reason to hope for an abatement of them concluded that vaine was the help of man why should he desire it for he met with nought but disapointments and vexation whilst he sought after them and said O that the time were come spoken of and borne witness unto by the Prophets that the Lord would be teacher him self and write his Law in the heart that man might cease from man for where in was he to be esteemed the more solicitouss was he in these his desires because so often had he been perplexed whilst his eare was open or heart seeking after them for help and because he had read concerning the Lord and his teaching by those who had attained formerly unto it thus What teacher is like unto him by which it seemed unto him as if there was none like unto him and therefore none to be desired but him alone and he thought and did beleeve that such a state would be blessed for then he should sit under his owne vine and no man should make him affraid which he longed for to enjoy But againe he was ready to feare and not to beleeve that that should be in his day or whilst he lived for he did see little or none appearance for hope of it although some beleeved that such a time should be because they beleeved that those Prophets which wrot of such a thing were true Prophets but not yet said some afterwards it wil be but not at present but this could not answere the man neither he wanted at present being in present want through his present greife and afterward was too tediouss like unto a man that must perish through hunger if he did not attaine unto releife by getting bread and it would be a vaine thing to say unto such a one next yeare or afterwards there wil be bread enough although now none whilst he was ready to starve famish for want of it And those who puts the day of the Lord a far of and that saith he defers his comeing wo is unto such as saith the Scripture and they are of those who so beleeve who was rather for a little more ease to the flesh and a little more of the sleep of the night and of the darkness thereof wherein the fashions of this world and the diverse lusts and vanities thereof are rather then to be such as breaths for the glory of the knowledg of the glory of the Lord to cover the earth as the waters doth the sea So that the man said O! that he knew the Lord and
his way and his will he would then obey him and walk therein and said Lead me o Lord in the way everlasting which is righteouss in thy sight that I may feel of the joy of thy salvation For the way in which he was was croocked and perverse and he in it fild with lamentation and mourning and woe and would therein end he feared if he helped not and he had heard that there was a way which was right in the eyes of the Lord and that the Lord could bring alone to the knowledg of it and lead there in Thus breathed the man before the Lord and unto him and frequented solitariness and lonelynes and loved consideration and hoped for Judgment and understanding that he might know and do aright and serve the Lord with an upright heart continuing in his addresses before him Oh that he knew the Lord and his way and his will that he might order his conversation a right before him and enjoy the light of his countenance lifted up upon him For by this time he had got a notion of a light or that there was such a thing given of God to man kinde but had not an understanding of it or where it was or the way of it or its work and operation in mans heart but thought them happy that did walk in the light of the Lord and he would at times talk of such a thing and of great matters which in the Light of the Lord he beheld farr above his then state and condition and please him self therewith for a while but there being no roote of life in them nor proceeding from the effectuall working of the light in him but at most from a flash or glaunce thereof which might appeare unto him at some times to let him see but did not possess they vanished away and every pleasant picture of his by little and little was defaced and his images struck at were shattered and tumbled downe which he had had at some times some hopes in and comforted him self by reason of their pleasantness which to him seemed in them He had many inventions desires and imaginations suggested into his mind by the old flattering deceiver who had before this got a seat in his heart but notwithstanding all his insinuations and false promises thereby to hold the man in the snares and darkness of his owne kingdom he the compassionate one visit him in his tender love and would not suffer his wound to be falsly healed or dawbed over deceitfully so as he could not get rid of the smart and the wounding which made him oft times to cry out of the emptiness and unprofitablenes of all his former wayes and courses as being weary of them to this compassionate one yet not knowing him or that he was so neere unto him or ready to help him as afterwards when understanding had opened his heart and the eye of his minde he saw him to be but contrary wise loked upon him to be far off removed in the heavens he knew not where but as men said above the skies at a distance and far remote well he thought that at the last salvation must come to his house from or by him or elce he must never be saved and how to tarry for it for he was in present necessitouss want he knew not and that occasioned the earnestnes of his labour after it being in a hunger which could not be sustaind with out it So continued he in the persuit thereof by reading by meditation and loved to heare the conference thereof and satisfyed himself to be silent at such times hat he might prove and try thereby but was not yet submitted in his heart to waite upon the Lord that his arm alone might be salvation to him therefore to his old waies and courses and then thought him felf againe in a prety good way allwayes propounding to him self the knowledge of the Lord and his way which if he could attaine thereunto and finde out of by his search and inquiry that then he would obey him by walkeing according thereunto Now on a certaine day in a retirement by him self he takes a bible into his hands and it was done in a kinde of wearyness of all his former labours and persuits after the knowledge of the Lord and at his opening of it his eye fell upon a place without seeking for it which he had not acquainted him self with that he remembred before and it was this the Lord is in his holy Temple let all the earth keepe silence before him he fixed his eye upon the words as fast as he could even with great earnestness as accounting it pertinent to his purpose and that thereby there might be a door opened of hope or direction for understanding which he had sought for for ought that he then knew and seemed to be as answering to his present state and condition whereupon he entered into the consultation concerning it and that according to the best of his skill or judgment that there by he might finde out the matter and arrive at such an effect namely a resting place for his weary soule as he had long been searching after but ahlas it shortly proved to be a leaning to his owne and not to the Lords help and assistance for he tooke the way of the many foolish builders and unprofitable talkers for he would be at worke still a busie part acting in his minde as Nimrod the mightie Hunter before te Lord not comeing back to the voice behinde him or to learn be still and know that I am God But this was the way he went in to consider the text and the chapter and whole Prophesy and to open the word and fetch forth the meaning and the interpretation thereof not contenting him self to be still to waite to feel the Lords counsell and direction and his presence and teaching and the silenceing of the earth before him And indeed the man as yet although he delighted at some times to be talking thereof had learnd little if ought of that so as to abide there yet he thought with him self that there were many offering to their own nett and burning insence to their owne yarn but few that leaned upon the Lord or that looked at him alone as he began now to thinck that he did Thus haveing for some time exercised his witts about the words and marvelling at the providence that had cast them before his eyes he thought with him self now to be some body indeed for that he did not cumber him self with wearysome and teadiouss labours as formerly he had don whilst he was runnig a broad after men their notions and conceptions and with which he saw many inwrapped and lamentably in bondage But whilst he thus concluded concerning himself he was like one in a dream of eateing and drincking and of haveing good and needfull refreshment thereby but soon he awakes and instead of being fed and nourished hee feeles pinching want and wasting hunger to consume him
sones of men that God might manifest them that they might see that they them selves are beasts Whilst thus he stood what to do he knew not was ready to loath and abhor him self and to wish that he had never been born for the booke which was opened was as a thousand witnesses he saw he could no wayes evade its record and testimony no escaping no fleeing from it and what he read therein he read it all to be against and not for him nor no wayes tending to his releife that he could see but the contrary For as for those things whereby he might have had hope as the receiveing of him whom God had sent in the ministration of a wakening conviction and drawing neere in true holy subjection thereunto and those good things of his before spoken of which could not stand or remaine with him to his support in this the day of the appearance of the son of God in clouds because his worke was and for ever is to make a decision for the Lord in the righteouss judgeing and scattering of these things which had not been effected or wrought by his holy Spirit who hath sayd without me you can do nothing but were produced and taken up as before hath been sayd to seek and obtaine life by and not acting or working from it so was climbing up a wrong way and not striveing to enter into the true sheepfold at the right door so that when he came to have need indeed his Lamp proved without oyle for so he saw himself to be as the heart searcher found him out to lay wast the inheritance of the wicked for ever So that an anchor to have held his soule by in this the day of his sore troubles and afflictions he had not nor nought to defend himself withall therein but was founde out to be by him who is the Amen the faithfull and true witness whose eyes are as a flame of fire naked and blinde and miserable darkness and ignorance filling his heart and the wofull effects thereof and what to do more he knew not for the revelation of this his destitute and forsaken state and the opening his heart in the manifestation thereof and bringing things forth into his remembrance and setting them before his face all this and what ever might besayd of that kinde was not deliverance it was but manifestation not a setting him at liberty from the night and the chain of it neither a setting him at the table of the Lord to eate of the flesh of Christ and to drink of the consolateing wine of the Kingdom but the ripping open of his corrupted heart that he might learn to know him self and what it was to go from the Fathers house to feed him self with husks amongst swine And herein in measure was the great love of God manifested unto him in not suffering him to go on in his former wayes and courses untill those things which belonged to his peace had been hid from his eyes Thus the Lord proceeded with him and then the vialls of wrath was not poured forth nor the recompence and reward in flames of fire from heaven to execute vengance on that ungodly nature and Spirit which he had cleaved to and lived in and thereby had been adulterated from his maker Of these things he knew not as yet as afterwards when the day burned as an Oven to consume the stuble and the dross in which day he might have sayd who shall abide or who shall dwell with devoureing fire The man dyed in greiff unutterable and such sorrow as never was before nor can demonstration and greatest utterance tell of as he shall know who thereunto shal be brought by the righteouss correcting hand of the Lord when he wil be eased of his adadversaries and avenged of his enemies in which day the Lord will judge with fire Some times whilst sorrow hath fild his heart and perplexity his Spirit by reason of the disquietnes and trouble which was there he hath walked into the feilds and seen allthings in a sweet serene calm scarsly a leafe of a tree to stir he hath been affected therewith and sayd with in him self the creation is more happy then I which is at rest in its place from such storms and tempests as he was fild with and wished and desired that he might know so great a calm inwardly as those creatures outwardly did enjoy for he concluded surely a blessed state it would be unto him who now was fild with restless thoughts and greiffs as the sea is troubled when the mighty winds rowleth the waters thereof on heapes for then he should know tranquilitie of minde and rest in the holy one which nothing but his power could say be still and effectually worke it for him for all his attempts had proved short and whilst he was striveing was disapointed and so in sorrow lay Thus was it with the poor and comfortless man who in misery was and distress good things was removed away from him and his pretented freind manifested to be his enemy a bad one indeed for so he thought him now to be who through all his pretences deceivings and flatteries sought his ruin and destruction but how to get rid of him out of his heart for there he had seated himself and to redemption and salvation the thing which all along was in his eye he knew not And thus lay the man in his greife and the terrors of the Lord revealing in him because of his transgressions And so gloriouss and dreadfull was the Majesty thereof that he exceedingly feard and trembled and how help should come unto him or when or never he knew not he was a fraid to look to the Lord as hath been sayd or to hope for his help for with what thought he shall I look I who am in a state rather to greive and vex the Lord rather then to hope or trust in him and to rebell against him and transgress rather to curss then to bless his holy Name well if it be thus with me said he as it is and surely so it was with him as the Prophet sayd that as every battle of the warrior is with confused noyse and garments rowld in blood so this is with burning and devoureing fire then in a bed of sorrow I am out of which I can not arise but oh that I might be helped and releived I even I who am without comfort or releife like unto the poor destitute people of old time who for many dayes were with out a King and without a Prince and without an offering and without an image and without an Ephod and without Jerraphim but afterwards it s sayd of them that they should seek the Lord and David there King Now although it was a lamentable state and condition yet it might be it was possible with the Lord that at the last he might know the repayrer of breaches and the restorer of pathes to dwell in and that at last he might come to walk
afraid to look upon God And the man sayd that he saw that his feet was not to be shod with his owne shoeing but with the preparation of the gosple of peace or he could not make streight steps with his feet on the holy ground And hee had read of some that turned a side like a deceitfull bow and that Josephs bow a bode in his strength and he was renowned and stood in a blessed and holy record amongst the antient worthyes of the Lord who thorow faith subdued Kingdoms of weake were made strong obtaineing throw faith a good report and the man said Well if the Lord will destroy me for ever my mouth is stopt he could not raise a defence for him self he dared not to complain for he had sind aganist him and saw that he must beare his indignation whither or not that ever he knew an end or redemption out of it His distress and miserie was great which those not acquainted with the judgments of the Lord that proceeds out of his mouth as consumering fire as David sayd can not beleeve although told unto them by those who have been acquainted with them and traveld through the way thereof But at last it pleased the Father of mercies according to the counsell of the working of the Lord in his wisdom and goodness to instruct the man and wrought in his minde to cause him to lye downe in his will and submit him self to the rod of his chasticeing hand which as he yeilded him self thereunto he felt some what working and enlargeing or opening it self unto his incouragement whereby he in some hopes began to say True and righteouss are thy Judgments and that if he perished everlastingly from beholding his face with joy and his salvation yet he must and would justify him and his righteouss judgments for ever more and after this he felt a joy to spring in him and to feel some Spirit to revive and did at some times seem as if he saw some glimpses of a great glory as a farr off and of a heavenly Arm and that there was salvation in it but could not get to it he thought if he could and therein continue that the winter would be past and the time of refreshing from the Lords presence would be come and the hearing of the voice of the turtle where in his teares would be wiped away according to the Prophet and that the sorrowing and sithing would flee away and instead thereof joy and rejoiceing would be which he longed for haveing some expectation or beleife in him that the antient Prophecies were many of them as really to be fullfilled in these latter dayes as ever they were at first spoken forth and that because of the unchangeable faithfullnes and goodness of the Lord. But now he rather ran into hast then to run the race which he saw in measure set before him and that was to waite for Gods salvation for without that manifestly he saw salvation he could never attain to seeing all his former wayes and courses proved ineffectuall to him and no wayes advantagious and he rejoyced in some measure and was glad in the beholding of it although it seemed to be and was a far of and not brought neere unto him and earnest he was to inherit it and not to ly in the fire for the utter consummation of the dross and thorow purgeing of the floor and so earnest indeed the man was and in hastines of Spirit that he had all most lost his submission to the will of the refiner and instead of wayting patiently upon him to hear what he would speak to him and to see what he would do for him who is the mighty Counseller and of whom he had read that he would speak comfortably to Jerusalem and peace to his people who feared his Name notwithstanding he was for takeing the Kingdom some thing of his old practise and endeavours not considering that he ought not to make hast nor to fly with the swift and cry as some did Nay wee will flee upon horses such whirling Notions men chose rather then to bow before the Lord that he might be exalted Lord and King over all his ever Now the race is not to the swift nor the battle to the strong thus the man had read and so there was another lesson that he was to learn and that was as an honest Prophet of the Lord once sayd In returning and in rest you shall be saved in quietness and confidence is your strength which the Apostle answerd unto when he sayd The Lord direct your hearts into the Love of God and into the patient waiting for Jesus Christ That he might know feel therein that the Lords Arm alone brought salvation and that he might have nought nor none to glory in but the Lord who for his owne mercie sake dothsave deliver Thus he was to turn off his hast and not to take the Kingdom by force but to feel the meek peacable Prince thereof to lead him into it and to give him therein a portion and priviledge amongst the Princes upon the Throne of judgment and mercie for ever And thus learned the man again to return in his minde into the enlightning opening light of the Lord which in his heart was as a fire and a flame and to resign up unto it to feel the effect thereof which he hoped might be at the last blessed and greatly advantagiouss to the stay and comfort of his then greived minde as others had enjoyed before him whom the Lord had lead by his owne right arm into a habitation of joy and salvation But nothwithstanding all this he againe fell to contriving of a speedy way and to wish for the enjoyment of that which before this time by way of incouragement had visited him to teach him that not by might nor strength but by the Spirit of the Lord and its holy leading and teaching he was to hope for and enjoy his deliverance And the voice sounded in his eares be still according to what he had read in Habbakuk Let all the earth keep silence before him Here upon he againe enclined to sinck downe in his Spirit unto the messenger of the Lords glorious holy power revealed with in him and there to abide and endure in patience of minde and Spirit for its holy purpose and work to be wrought in the earth that it also might be replenished and bring forth its encrease to the Lord. Whereupon he sayd O Lord lead me on in the way which is clearing for to the day of claering thou knowest that I have earnestly desired with desire of spirit to come and now I am in some measure come throw thy draweing by thy blessed hand held forth unto me O Lord God of mercie and compassion guide thou my feet and uphold me by thy free Spirit that in that thy holy way which is the way of the blessed and of the ransomed ones I may be kept and perserved Yet still againe and