occasion as he in his distress desired and amongst many good things recorded there concerning the Lords deare and tender love to mankinde in Jesus Christ calling unto him to forsake the evill and to cleave to the good and much more and that then he would soon confound his foes and give him an inheritance in the promised land of blessings And he also took notice how that David cryed out and mourned long as well as he and of Jobs affliction and Pauls bewaileing him self and saying o wretched man that I am and others which he took notice of in that his inquisition here upon he concluded that he must not bee to curiouss or nice in that his search he might in so doing for ought he knew tempt God and be distrustfull of his Saviours merits and some he saw cautioned thus in their preachings and some told him whom he acquainted him self with for advice which he sought after that although it be said that those who are born of God or are Gods elect they sin not that is said they they sin not willingly or constantly as reprobates and wicked men do but with reluctancie and it was to keep them humble in their own eyes God saw it good to be so or elce man would be puffed up in spirituall pride and grow forgetfull of Gods mercies and wax wanton and careless in an easefull Spirit so then thought he its as well with me it may be as with others as is my state such is there then onely they lived over a distrustfull and perplexing spirit which he gave way unto and must be content it must be so he thought he could not help it so endeavourd according to the practise of the world to disesteem or slight him that smot him as judging him not his freind at all but his enemy and as some thing starting in his minde like an idle dream to fright him and to stir up doubts and questionings in him concerning his salvation and obtaining the Love of God in Jesus Christ then that he through and by that should at last come to attaine thereunto For by this time he had heard so much by the report that was thereof in the world and by his searching of the Scriptures concerning death and judgment salvation and damnation that he thought that if he was not one of the elect and so besaved know and inherit the joyes of the blessed and ransomed of the Lord that then he must be in a wofull and wretched state in deed for he had heard and read that hel was a place and did beleeve it to be so of endless torment endless paine and miserie burning with fire and brimstone and that the fire should never go out or be extinguished nor the worm dy or the damned come to an end of their torment as at a time hearing of one in a despayring condition he with others visited her who amongst other things she sayd O that the Lord had preserved me as he hath preserved you but I am seald down under damnation for ever were it to be but for a hundred thowsand yeares there would then be hopes of an end but it is sayd she for ever for ever The man he thought them happy which knew the right way or way of salvation and did beleeve that there was one although he did not understand it or know where or which it was for there was many wayes which he heard took notice of Men crying up one while one and crying downe at another crying downe one another for them which verifyed that saying that there is away that seemeth right to a man but David sayd I have chosen the way of truth and here by he could not attaine at any certainty or come to an assurance or infalibilitie of judgment amongst them now he had read of a perfect and everlasting way but saw not him self in it neither could he find it for he saw men beleeving at a large rate and applying promises in a strange way which he could not understand by what knowledge he had attained to by reading the scriptures or his owne condition to have been the foot steps of the antient travellers in the way of Syons salvation which is redeemed with Judgment here upon he sought more strictly to inquier in to religion and to take a more seriouss observation thereof by considernig those who so much seemed the promotion of it and he found them in astrange contradiction and contrariety One crying lo here another lo there that he knew not how to resolve or come at any certainty or where to center himself in so great a concern as the salvation of his soule was for he was for that namely the reall and infalible salvation of it or elce if he could not come thiter he should not esteem of religion and salvation so much talked of up and downe in the world more then afiction or a dream which is deceiveable the talk thereof according to the custom of the world he had proved and must know it saved or nought would be of advantage and satisfaction unto him Here upon he sayd that he saw no reason why he should order himself by other mens Methods and Prescriptions and the rather because he had read as well as proved them void of answering to his necessitouss state that he must give an account for him self and that to a vaine thought and idle word as well as for transgressions of greatest evils and that none could answer for his brother and he had a desire it was so with him that he might give his account with joy and receive the heavenly blessed reception Well don good and faithfull servant ... enter into thy Masters joy Afther this he thought with him self to make tryall and to serch into the matter very strictly as he could or should be able for the voice of the awackening Word of the Lord and the entrance of it in his heart he felt and the disquietings it wrought there peace he would gladly have had but it fled from him and in stead thereof astonishments and perplexities and he was as a wounded heart which fearfully fled to escape its wounding even whilst she carried them along with her for the more he strove for releife the farther off it seemed to be removed from him Some did reflect upon his actions and him accounted as a fool and lightly esteemed they him because they saw his visage Marring and that he had not that felowship or frendly society with them as formerly seeming to be a man disrespecting that rather then eagerly persuing of it or rejoiceing in it as some times before he had don some againe thought he was mad or would be distracted or some thing of evill would happen unto him and be his ruin so that theire acceptation or esteem of him was as if he became a burthen or load unto them and not a joy or delight thus his wonted freinds seemed to frown upon his frequenting their societies accounting his
he could gladly endure a corrosive that so he might be healed Now he was thus groaning and sithing forth himself in his sorrowfull state being alone and haveing no eye minde or desire after any outward help or deliverance haveing tryed all wayes and meanes as a foresaid that he could think of or imagine and being at times affected with this kinde of way as feeling then some thing of satisfaction and rest of minde to flie or glaunce through him he at this time was againe visited in the opening word of the Lord by his tender and composionate freind although he had not an eye as yet to look upon him so to be nor a heart so to esteem of him it being strange or not at all to be considered off by him that he that did wound and kill should do it thereby to heale and make a live yet he in the movings of his deare tender and everlasting loveing kindness said thy destruction is of thy self thy help is in me then the man thought there might be help still but the deceiver he secretly wrought thus whence come this knowes thou whence it comes or whither it will give not way to a fancie a dream slying through thine imagination thou knowest not whither least thou build castles in the ayre as men use to speake and thou be left at last to fall not haveing a foundation Thus the man hurried to and again knew not what to do willing he was to have releife glad he should be to receive comfort a saviour cryed he for and desireous was to have but knew not where to finde him in want and destress anguish and perplexity he was these things abounded in him what should he do to whom should he speak or call to or cry unto or by what have might he have hopes and finde releife he found all as miserable comforters and none that could tell him where his beloved was or whilst he said tell me could answere if thou knowest not get the forth by the steps of the flock and feed thy kids by the tents of the shepheards He had read much talked sometimes of a feast of fatt things which the Lord would make he wished and desired such hunger was in his soule with desire of spirit that he knew where it was and might at last come to eate thereof or at least wise get some crums of it that would be better to him then that pineing woefull state that he was in and be more hopefull of affording some redress in his necessity What help had not he tryed and sought after to enjoy that so he might know a release from his perplexities Men he had tryed and their writings many read had made diligent search and inquiry into their lives their deeds and conversations wherein their face was religiouss and he found not thereby him whom he desired and marvelling at the sight of some whom he cast upon an eye of observation they seemed to be heart whole and merry without such heart smart as he felt untill he was ready to murmer in him self for and because of their prosperity and he hoped at some times that they might have been phisitians of worth to him by the long profession that they would beseemed or thought to have made in Zyons wayes which not withstanding were ready to over look him in his adversities as one whom they had no bowels of compassion for and passed by as one whose miseries they had no fellow feeling of so could not see them skilfull enough nor of that profissiencie after all their noise and great stir in the profession of Religion as to speak a word in due season to a man afflicted as he was And upon this he was confirmed in his former resolve concerning them that he saw noe reason why he should lean upon them for help for he found no stabilities in their goings or found judgment whence counsell and advice should proceed or that they were established on a rock or come to the munition of rocks the center of the righteouss in all ages and generations but were as men treading in slipperie places and seemed to be tottering and as ready to fall although not in their owne eyes Then he desired to retire againe and thought in him self so to do from any hope or expectation of succour from them and chouse rather a solitary place to mourn in esteeming him self increasing in his perplexities rather then the enjoying or haveing reason to hope for an abatement of them concluded that vaine was the help of man why should he desire it for he met with nought but disapointments and vexation whilst he sought after them and said O that the time were come spoken of and borne witness unto by the Prophets that the Lord would be teacher him self and write his Law in the heart that man might cease from man for where in was he to be esteemed the more solicitouss was he in these his desires because so often had he been perplexed whilst his eare was open or heart seeking after them for help and because he had read concerning the Lord and his teaching by those who had attained formerly unto it thus What teacher is like unto him by which it seemed unto him as if there was none like unto him and therefore none to be desired but him alone and he thought and did beleeve that such a state would be blessed for then he should sit under his owne vine and no man should make him affraid which he longed for to enjoy But againe he was ready to feare and not to beleeve that that should be in his day or whilst he lived for he did see little or none appearance for hope of it although some beleeved that such a time should be because they beleeved that those Prophets which wrot of such a thing were true Prophets but not yet said some afterwards it wil be but not at present but this could not answere the man neither he wanted at present being in present want through his present greife and afterward was too tediouss like unto a man that must perish through hunger if he did not attaine unto releife by getting bread and it would be a vaine thing to say unto such a one next yeare or afterwards there wil be bread enough although now none whilst he was ready to starve famish for want of it And those who puts the day of the Lord a far of and that saith he defers his comeing wo is unto such as saith the Scripture and they are of those who so beleeve who was rather for a little more ease to the flesh and a little more of the sleep of the night and of the darkness thereof wherein the fashions of this world and the diverse lusts and vanities thereof are rather then to be such as breaths for the glory of the knowledg of the glory of the Lord to cover the earth as the waters doth the sea So that the man said O! that he knew the Lord and
his way and his will he would then obey him and walk therein and said Lead me o Lord in the way everlasting which is righteouss in thy sight that I may feel of the joy of thy salvation For the way in which he was was croocked and perverse and he in it fild with lamentation and mourning and woe and would therein end he feared if he helped not and he had heard that there was a way which was right in the eyes of the Lord and that the Lord could bring alone to the knowledg of it and lead there in Thus breathed the man before the Lord and unto him and frequented solitariness and lonelynes and loved consideration and hoped for Judgment and understanding that he might know and do aright and serve the Lord with an upright heart continuing in his addresses before him Oh that he knew the Lord and his way and his will that he might order his conversation a right before him and enjoy the light of his countenance lifted up upon him For by this time he had got a notion of a light or that there was such a thing given of God to man kinde but had not an understanding of it or where it was or the way of it or its work and operation in mans heart but thought them happy that did walk in the light of the Lord and he would at times talk of such a thing and of great matters which in the Light of the Lord he beheld farr above his then state and condition and please him self therewith for a while but there being no roote of life in them nor proceeding from the effectuall working of the light in him but at most from a flash or glaunce thereof which might appeare unto him at some times to let him see but did not possess they vanished away and every pleasant picture of his by little and little was defaced and his images struck at were shattered and tumbled downe which he had had at some times some hopes in and comforted him self by reason of their pleasantness which to him seemed in them He had many inventions desires and imaginations suggested into his mind by the old flattering deceiver who had before this got a seat in his heart but notwithstanding all his insinuations and false promises thereby to hold the man in the snares and darkness of his owne kingdom he the compassionate one visit him in his tender love and would not suffer his wound to be falsly healed or dawbed over deceitfully so as he could not get rid of the smart and the wounding which made him oft times to cry out of the emptiness and unprofitablenes of all his former wayes and courses as being weary of them to this compassionate one yet not knowing him or that he was so neere unto him or ready to help him as afterwards when understanding had opened his heart and the eye of his minde he saw him to be but contrary wise loked upon him to be far off removed in the heavens he knew not where but as men said above the skies at a distance and far remote well he thought that at the last salvation must come to his house from or by him or elce he must never be saved and how to tarry for it for he was in present necessitouss want he knew not and that occasioned the earnestnes of his labour after it being in a hunger which could not be sustaind with out it So continued he in the persuit thereof by reading by meditation and loved to heare the conference thereof and satisfyed himself to be silent at such times hat he might prove and try thereby but was not yet submitted in his heart to waite upon the Lord that his arm alone might be salvation to him therefore to his old waies and courses and then thought him felf againe in a prety good way allwayes propounding to him self the knowledge of the Lord and his way which if he could attaine thereunto and finde out of by his search and inquiry that then he would obey him by walkeing according thereunto Now on a certaine day in a retirement by him self he takes a bible into his hands and it was done in a kinde of wearyness of all his former labours and persuits after the knowledge of the Lord and at his opening of it his eye fell upon a place without seeking for it which he had not acquainted him self with that he remembred before and it was this the Lord is in his holy Temple let all the earth keepe silence before him he fixed his eye upon the words as fast as he could even with great earnestness as accounting it pertinent to his purpose and that thereby there might be a door opened of hope or direction for understanding which he had sought for for ought that he then knew and seemed to be as answering to his present state and condition whereupon he entered into the consultation concerning it and that according to the best of his skill or judgment that there by he might finde out the matter and arrive at such an effect namely a resting place for his weary soule as he had long been searching after but ahlas it shortly proved to be a leaning to his owne and not to the Lords help and assistance for he tooke the way of the many foolish builders and unprofitable talkers for he would be at worke still a busie part acting in his minde as Nimrod the mightie Hunter before te Lord not comeing back to the voice behinde him or to learn be still and know that I am God But this was the way he went in to consider the text and the chapter and whole Prophesy and to open the word and fetch forth the meaning and the interpretation thereof not contenting him self to be still to waite to feel the Lords counsell and direction and his presence and teaching and the silenceing of the earth before him And indeed the man as yet although he delighted at some times to be talking thereof had learnd little if ought of that so as to abide there yet he thought with him self that there were many offering to their own nett and burning insence to their owne yarn but few that leaned upon the Lord or that looked at him alone as he began now to thinck that he did Thus haveing for some time exercised his witts about the words and marvelling at the providence that had cast them before his eyes he thought with him self now to be some body indeed for that he did not cumber him self with wearysome and teadiouss labours as formerly he had don whilst he was runnig a broad after men their notions and conceptions and with which he saw many inwrapped and lamentably in bondage But whilst he thus concluded concerning himself he was like one in a dream of eateing and drincking and of haveing good and needfull refreshment thereby but soon he awakes and instead of being fed and nourished hee feeles pinching want and wasting hunger to consume him
from the holy visitation of his compassionate freind which had received and beleived as conduceing to his satisfaction so that instead of setling downe in heart and mind into the holy operation of it thereby to feel his deliverance he steales away his heart therefrom and begets him into a boasting and exalting spirit to talk of that his enjoyment and thereby to a loss he came and an abatement of the supply thereby which he had some hopes of whilst it manifested it self unto him and he joyning him self thereto for its assistance and releife And being made destitute thereof by so doing more then a knowledg in his braine and vaine boasting he soon felt the former miserie to revive which made him to groan within him self as one like unto a ship tossed in the troubled sea by the restless waves thereof without a rudder and in danger of perishing every moment This made the man to recollect him self whereby he saw not that subjection feare and humilitie in his heart which he was inclined to by the former visitation nor him self persecuteing that former desire of his of casting himself upon the goodnes and mercie of the Lord that so he might know a settlement in a habitation of quietness and peace And begon to see and understand that there was an adverse part spirit or power in him unto his salvation which did get and steale away his minde from waiting for it And further that there was also a Spirit principle or power in him which wrought in his minde against the former and him for joyning to it which brake his peace and made those woundings in his soule from whence arose all those feares distresses and miseries which he had so long in deepheart sorrow groaned under and from whence sprangfort those hopefull and true refreshing beames of comfort which he had at sometimes had some feeling of and was good cause and incouragement unto him further to waite thereon as on that alone which might worke his deliverance And in the consideration of this he some time was and the Lords secret and still drawings of his minde inward often visited him to draw him to him self from whence he was departed into folly so that the man in tremblingwise or broakeness began to be before the Lord and to encline his heart to him who before now had visited him to his wounding even he who searcheth the heart and tryeth the reines had smitten him that in everlasting kindness he mightly downe and sorrow be removed from him And as the compassionate one unvailed the man and understanding began to reside with him this was unto him as if life had enterd to the raising of him up above his former troubles like unto a woman for joy that a man was born into the world and remembring how he had been deceived for he could not but with greiffe of heart reflect back on that he began to have regard thereto in more bowedness of spirit least that he also should loose the fruition of so great mercie and therefore said Let me know thee O thou searcher of my heart that I may obey thee and deliver me from all my enemies and that was it which he was earnest for and had his eye at and hoped to enjoy but it was in a hasty mind out of true subjection and understanding as those of old time who said Lord wilt thou at this time restore the kingdom to Israel so apt is man to make hast and not to waite resignedly upon the Lord that his will might be don and work effected in the earth And it is to be noted for so it came to pass that as the man sunck downe or bowed before the Lord and breathed for the manifestation and teaching of his holy power and Spirit to effect and work there in his soule according to the good will of his owne tender goodness and compassion that the Lord further enlightned his understanding although contrary to his owne giveing him to see the darkness and confusion in which he was wrapped about as with a mantle and fetterd as with chaines of Iron where at fresh cause of lamentation and mourning arose in him in consideration of that enimitie disobedience and rebellion that he had lived in indayes by past against his maker for of this he was perswaded in his minde who before now thought that although he had not spent his time so citcumspectly or with such holy consideration and sobriety as he should or ought to have don yet far was it from him to think or beleeve that he had so far faln short of his dutie or so far been alienated from his Maker as now he began to be convinced that he had and was And concluded that it had been well for him to have remembred his Creator in the dayes of his youth and not to have spent soe much of his pretiouss time in such idleness vanitie according to the evill course of this world as he had don which if he had not hearkned unto nor inclined his heart to follow after but had sought after the Lord to know him according to his early visiting of him to return unto him to walk before him in his holy feare he had come to know with those which so do no great travell for it s said that wisdom preventeth those which earely seek her by first shewing her self unto them and he did really beleeve the same and hath since seen the fullfilling so it in many who hath sought after her betimes But as the Light of the Lord did arise and shine forth in him letting him to see things which differd from it this caused him to confess his guilt before the Lord he could in no wise deny or extenuate it for he read it in his owne conscience which stood as an everlasting record against him and now he thought him self in a more desperate and distressed condition then ever before for he could not speak for him self he could not call for mercie he was afraid to lift up his eyes to heaven the pressure of his owne iniquity lay so heavy upon him neither knew he how to eate or drinck possess or enjoy he was afraid and his feare increased day by day for understanding was given unto him and the revealation of his wretched and deploreable state in measure stood open and bare before him So gloriouss was the outgoings of the Lord in the removing the vayle of his heart so as if he needed not any one to accuse him or to lay things to his charge or to make him guilty in his owne eyes And as he saw him self at first deceived so now how forward he had been to yeild to the deceiver which stood as an aggravation of his former evils in which he had lived Thus saw he that he stood in covenant with hell and death and alienated from God in enmity and ungodlyness or as that of Salomon when he thus concluded I sayd in my heart concerning the estate of the