better set downe And it seemes to be as when one hath an Originall before him and then he may easily take-out the Coppie But if the Spirit be wanting there is no more power and meanes to make one word of this language suite well with an other then if as we may say we would suite Spanish and Turkish togeather euen though we should haue exercised our selues manie yeares in Prayer and therefore me thinkes it is of very great aduantage when I write if I be then in state of Prayer for I see clearly that it is not I who declare it nor who doe either order it then with my Vnderstanding nor yet know afterward how I declared it before and this happens to me very often But now let vs goe-back to our Orchard or Garden and see how these Trees beginne to button and budd-out towards flowring that they may afterward yeild fruit and how these Gillie-flowers and other odoriferous Plants dispose themselues to giue delight full Sent to the Owner I confesse that this Comparison regales and pleases me much for manie times in my beginnings and I humbly beseech our Lord that euen yet I may haue been a beginner to serue his Diuine Maiestie I say in those beginnings of that which I shall say afterward of my Life it was of much delight to me to consider that my Soule was a Garden and that our Lord walked in it vp and downe and I humbly pray him to encrease the odour of those little young Flowers of Vertue which shewed in all apparance that they would be glad to find meanes to sprout and that also they might serue for his Glorie and that he would be pleased to sustaine them since I desire nothing for my self and that he would also dresse and prune as manie of them as he pleased for already I knew well enough that they would thriue and grow the better afterward I say that he would cut and prune them in regard that some such times ariue now and then to the Soule as wherein there is no apparance left of this Garden at all but then all seemes to be withered and dry and that there neuer will come more Water to sustaine it yea and that there also seemes to haue neuer been anie vertue in that Soule In this case it vndergoes great affliction because our Lord is pleased that the poore Gardner may cōceaue that all that care is lost which he had formerly employed vpon sustaining and improuing his Garden But then comes-in the time of true plucking-vp and rooting-out all those little paltrie hearbes which till then had remained there how little soeuer they might be with making vs also know that no diligence of ours will serue if Almightie God take the Water of his Grace from vs that so in fine we may come to hold this poore miserable Nothing of ours in no manner of account yea and if the thing were possible euen for lesse then Nothing For heer great Humilitie makes vs the gainers since the Flowers will thus grow to reflourish O thou my Lord and my God! for I know not how to say this without teares and without a great Regalo to this poore Soule of mine is it possible O my Lord that thou art pleased to be thus amongst vs Yea and thou remainest in the B. Sacrament which may well be with all truth belieued because so it is and we may with much truth make this Comparison and if it be not through our owne fault we may enioy our selues togeather with thee yea and thou dost also reioyce to be with vs since thou declarest That it is thy delight to be vvith the Children of men O my Lord what is this For whensoeuer I heare but this word it is to me of great consolation yea and was so when I found my self in the worst condition But is it possible after this O my deare Lord that there should be in the whole world anie one Soule which ariuing to receaue such Fauours and Regalo's at thy hands and vnderstanding that thou reioycest so highly in her should yet returne to offend thee after the receauing of so manie Fauours and so great demonstrations of the loue thou bearest her in such sort as that they cannot possibly be doubted since the effects doe so manifestly declare it Yes yes it is most certaine that there is such a Soule in the world which hath offended thee and that not once but often yea and I am this verie Soule And I beseech thy Diuine Goodnes O my Lord that I may haue been the onlie Creature who euer committed so high a wickednes and who haue been guiltie of such an excessiue ingratitude against thee though yet already euen from this verie miserie of mine thy infinite goodnes hath been able to draw some aduantage yea and euen by how much the ill hath been greater the great benignitie of thy Mercies hath shined so much the more But now with how much reason may I resolue to celebrate them for all eternitie I most humbly beseech thee O my God that it may be so and that I may sing praises to thee for euer since now thou hast vouchsafed to shew thy goodnes so highly and so greatly to me that such as see it are amazed and as for me they carrie me very often euen out of my self And if I should once finde that I were depriued of thee I could be fitt O my Lord for nothing but to returne to be such a kind of Garden as that the Flowers being plucked-vp yet once againe this miserable earth of mine would returne to be a direct Dung-hill as it was before To the end therefore that I may praise thee the better permitt not I beseech thee O my Lord that this Soule may euer grow to be lost which thou hast bought with so manie afflictions of thine owne and which thou hast so often repurchased againe and againe and taken from out of the verie teeth of that hideous Dragon of Hell I beseech your Reuerence excuse me for speaking thus from the purpose and doe not wonder at it since it is at least to mine owne purpose to speake as I doe For it happens according to those apprehensions and reflections which the Soule chances to make when one writes And sometimes it falls-out to be hard enough to forbeare to celebrate the praises of Almightie God when it happens that the penn represents such things as expresse the high obligations which we haue to his Diuine Maiestie And I belieue that this will be no way displeasing to your Reuerence for I am of opinion that we may both of vs doe very well to sing one Song though yet after a different manner because it is much more which I owe to Almightie God then you in regard that he hath pardoned me more Sinnes as your Reuerence knowes very well THE FIFTEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes her Discourse of the same matter and giues some aduise hovv persons are to carrie themselues in this kinde
by procuring that few may haue the witt to vnderstand thee right But now to what a passe are we come since some will needs conceiue that God is the better serued by them when they get themselues to be held for discreet and wise yea this indeed must needs be so as now we are growne to vnderstand the word Discretion For now we will needs make our selues beleiue that it is matter forsooth of small edification not to goe vp and downe the world with great authoritie and composition of cloathing and dressing euerie one according to his condition Nay euen to the Fryer and Preist and Nunne some are now growne to be of opinion that to weare anie thing which is old or peiced were a kind of noueltie and a giuing scandall to the weake and so it is also now if they liue with much recollection and vse Mentall Prayer To such a passe the world is growne But the studie and practise of Christian Perfection the great impulses which the Saints were wōt to haue for the obtaining thereof is the thing which I beleiue doth more harme to the miserable wretched actions which are cōmitted by euill men in these times then it could possibly be of scandall to anie Creature that such as are Religious should publish that to the world by their workes of which they talke by their words to the end that so Mankinde might grow to hold this world in meane accoūt For out of such kindes of scandall as these our Lord would draw great seruice for himself good for them And if some men would needs be scandalized at it others would yet haue remorse at least we should remaine with some little designe or draught of that which Christ our Lord his Apostles endured for vs since we haue now more need of it then euer But O what an excellent example did Almightie God take lately from vs in the person of that Blessed man Fray Pedro de Alcantara The world was now no longer able euen to endure such a Perfection as his for now forsooth they say that the health of men is growne weaker and that now we doe not liue in those former times But that holie man liued in this time and yet he had as full and great Spirit towards Almightie God as men had in the dayes of old and so he trode the world downe vnder his feet And though euerie bodie doe not goe bare-foot nor performe so sharp and strict pennance as he yet are there manie other wayes as I haue sayd before whereby a man may treade the world vnder his feet and our Lord will teach vs these wayes when he findes that a man's minde is fitt and well-prepared for them And how great an one did Almightie God bestow vpon this Saint of whome now I speake to goe through seauen and fourtie yeares of his life with so sharp and rigourous pennance as is generally knowne And I will say some little thing of it because I know that it is all most certainly true He told me a certaine particular and so he also did an other from whome he was as little curious to conceale himself as from me but as for me the only reason why he did it was the loue he bore me because our Lord would haue it so to the end that he might help me and encourage me also in a certaine time of so great necessitie as I haue related And now I will declare how to the best of my remembrance he said that he had slept but one hower and a half in the foure and twentie howers of day and night for two and fourtie yeares togeather and that it was the greatest mortification and trouble of pennance that he had felt in those beginnings to ouercome himself in point of sleep and that in order also to this end he was alwaies at other times either standing vpon his feet or els kneeling and that only when he slept he satt and that with his head leaning aside vpon a certaine little peice of wood which was fastned for that purpose in the wall To extend his bodie at length in his Cell was not possible for him though he should haue a minde to it for it is knowne to haue had but foure foot and a half in length In all these two and fourtie yeares he neuer put on his Capouch or Hood how hot soeuer the Sunne or how great soeuer the rayne might be nor did he euer weare anie thing vpon his feet nor was his bodie clad but only with a Habit of thick course Sackcloath without anie other thing at all vpon him and this was so very straight as that he might be only able to put it on with a little short Mantle of the same vpon it He told me that when the weather was extreamly cold he was wont to put off his sayd Mantle and to leaue also the doore and the little window of his Cell open that so when afterward he put the Mantle on againe and shut his doore he might giue his bodie so much contentment by it as that it might be quieted without more cloathing It was a very ordinarie thing with him not to eat till the third day after he had eaten last and he told me by way of answer to the wonder in which I was at it that this was a thing very possible for one who would accustome himself to it And a certaine Companion of his also told me that it hapned for him sometimes not to eat anie thing at all in eight dayes but that perhaps might happen when he was in Prayer for he vsed to haue great Rapts and vehement impulses or impetuosities of the loue of Almightie God whereof my self was once an eye-witnes His pouertie was extreame and so also was his Mortification euen from his youth For he told me that in his time it had hapned to him to liue three yeares in some one House of his owne Order and yet not to know anie one of the Religious of the same House but only by their speech for he neuer lifted-vp his eyes and so whensoeuer he was to goe of necessitie to anie place either in the streets or vpon high-wayes he could by no meanes tell how to doe it but by following the other Religious As for woemen he neuer looked vpon anie of them for the space of manie yeares and told me that it was iust all one with him to see anie bodie or not to see them When I came at length to know him he was very old and his weaknes and leanenes so extreame that he seemed not to be composed made but as euen of the verie rootes of trees With all this sanctitie of his he was very affable though yet he were wont to expresse himselfe in very few words vnlesse it were by occasion of some questions which might be asked him and in that case he was excellent companie for he had a very choice Vnderstanding I could haue a minde to
to consist in gaining ground vpon Vertue by a holie kind of emulation and competition vvith one another And so also on the other side your Spouse keepes very close correspondence vvith you by infusing so very great strength of delight and ioy into your Soules as that you possesse the treasure of true Alacritie euen in your verie being depriued and stripped of all those things vvhich are wont to giue contentment to poore-harted people in this life And so you also with great generositie tread all vvorldlie things vnder your feet as persons vvho be as it vvere exempted euen from the lawes thereof or at least are growne superiour to them all For neither doth trouble or labour vvearie you nor Clausure afflict you nor infirmitie discourage you not euen death amaze or fright you but rather yeild himself vp to be conquered by you But that vvhich in the midst of all these particulars serues to make the vvonder very extreame is the great facilitie and gust vvherewith you goe through all these things which of themselues are hard enough to be performed For Mortification is matter of solace to you Resignation as a kind of Sport Pennance a Passe-time And you goe putting that in execution which turnes Nature into admiration and you conuert the exercise of the most Heroicall Vertues into a pleasant kind of entertainment and all this as it vvere in a sporting and reioycing way vvhereby in fine the certaintie of those vvords of Christ our Lord that His yoake is svveet and his burthen light growes to be found effectually true Since no Secular Ladie takes so much pleasure in her ornaments and attires as your Reuerences find it to be a thing of great ioy and gust for you to lead the life euen of Angells And such doe you seem really to be not only in the perfection of your liues but in the vnion also resemblance of mindes vvhich you maintaine therein vvith one another Since no two things are more like one another then you are all amongst your selues and euerie one to euerie other in your speech in your modestie in your humilitie in your discretion in your sweetnes of Spirit and finally in your whole proceeding and conuersation For as the self same vertue and vvay of Life animates you all so doth it also frame you all after one manner and vve see in you all as in so manie pure Christall glasses one kind of face and countenance vvhich is that of your Holie Mother Teresa deriued downe and stamped vpon her Daughters By meanes vvhereof I see her now as I vvas saying at the first vvith more euidence and clearnes euen vvithout hauing formerly seen her because her Daughters are not only the liuelie pictures of her internall features but the assured testimonies also of her perfections And these are communicated to you all and they passe from one of you to another with so great speed vvhich makes the Third Miracle-vp that in the space of twentie yeares for this falls-out to be the time since she founded her first Monasterie till now Spaine alone is growne to be so full of her Monasteries that aboue a thousand Religious persons are daily seruing Almightie God in this Countrie amongst vvhome your Reuerences vvho are the Religious Woemen of that Order shine brightly and that vvith as much difference as the greater and fairer Starres exceed the lesser For as it was a happy Woeman who gaue beginning to this Reformation so it seemes that the Woemen are they who in all things haue aduantage of others and not only are the great guiding Lights of the Order but are withall the verie honour of our Nation and the glorie euen of the Age wherein we liue And in fine yow are those faire Flowers which beautifye the great barrennes of the Times and are certainly the most rare and choice parts of the Church of God liuelie testimonies of the efficacie of Christ our Lord and the euident proofe of his Soueraigne vertue finally the expresse patterns vvhereby vvee take the daily experience of vvhat is promised vs by our Faith And this is now as much as concernes her Daughters vvhich is the former of those two Images or Pictures of your Holie Mother vvhereof I spake Nor is the second Image or Picture a whitt lesse Miraculous then that former it consists in her Writings Bookes vvherein vvithout anie question at all the Holie Ghost vouchsafed and resolued that holie Mother Teresa should remaine as a rare example to the vvorld c. All these are the verie words of Doctour Levvis de Leon. By this you therefore see what iudgement vvas made at that time of this admirable Creature our Glorious Saint But by way of full cōclusion to as much as I now intend to speake of her excellencies I must needs add a Clause or two vvhich I find deliuered by another eminent vvise learned Authour it was Father Ribera a Father of the Societie of IESVS vvho vvrote her vvhole Life at large together with it indeed as a very part thereof he published certaine Exclamations or lowde Aspirations vvhich her enamoured Soule vvas wont to make to Almighty God together with certaine Aduertisments also concerning the sense and feeling of Spirit vvhich she found in her self vvith a signification how she vvas affected towards his Diuine Maiestie and finally how she behaued her self then in the growth of Prayer and Perfection Now all this Account of her self had been deliuered by her in her owne hand to her Ghostlie Father though one part of it about a yeare sooner then the other for the enabling him the better to direct her and she did it all vvhilst she vvas yet in the Monasterie of the Incarnation vvhere she vvas placed first before she had setled her owne Order way of Life according to the primitiue Institution thereof though yet she had euen then begunne to serue our Blessed Lord in great earnest And then also did his Diuine Maiestie rayne downe abundance of Supernaturall Fauours vpon her happie Soule as the same exact Authour declares But that iudgement which he made vpon her I will heer deliuer to you since it is so very short and withall so very highly significant For thus he saith By this you may discerne to how great perfection this happie Soule ariued in so short a time which deserues to cast the world into admiration For since she in her beginnings got-vp towards the verie top of that Perfection which is wont to be acquired in this Life euen by Saints to what passe would she arriue in the space of two or three and twentie yeares which she liued afterwards whilst she daily went encreasing in the loue of Almightie God by receauing so manie high Fauours from his Diuine Maiestie by performing so manie Pennances by enduring so great afflictions tormets through sicknes togeather with manie persecutions and troubles by founding so manie Monasteries by gaining so manie Soules by possessing so
my Parents but by the way of Vertue My Father was a man of much charitie towards poore people and of compassion towards the sick yea and he had so much pittie euen of his seruants that he could neuer resolue to keepe anie slaues for the tendernes which he had towards them And there being once a slaue in his house who belonged to a Brother of his he caused him to be treated and fed as if he had been one of his owne Children and sayd through his great compassion that he could not endure to see such as he was vnless they might be made free He was a man of much truth nor did euer anie creature heare him either detract or sweare He was exeedingly honest and chast My Mother also was enriched with manie Vertues and she passed through this life of hers with grieuous sicknesses Her chastitie and puritie was great in the verie highest degree and though she had an abundance of Beautie yet was it neuer so much as heard that she gaue occasion for the world to conceaue that she made anie account of it at all For comming afterwards to dye when she was but three and thirtie yeares old the order of her attire had yet been such as might haue well become a person of Age. She was of a most sweet disposition and yet vvithall of a very solid vnderstanding The afflictions vvhich she sustained in this life vvere great and she made a most Christian end when she dyed VVe vvere three Sisters and nine Brothers and all through the goodnes of Almightie God vvere like our Parents in being vertuous except myself though yet I vvas the most beloued of them all by my Father and truly till I beganne to offend Almightie God he might seeme to haue had some reason For it goes to my verie hart to remember and consider those good inclinations vvhich our Lord had giuen me and the very little I knew how to serue myself thereof My Brothers also vvere such in their proceeding and vvay of life as that they did not by anie meanes dis-assist me from seruing Almightie God One of them vvas almost of my yeares and I loued him best of them all though yet I loued them all very much as they also did me But vve tvvo ioyned much togeather in reading the Liues of Saints and when I saw the Martyrdomes through vvhich some of them had passed for the loue of our Lord me thought they had bought Heauen vvhere they vvere to see and enioy his Diuine Maiestie very good cheape And myself also desired much to dye so though not yet for the loue vvhich I found and felt my self to beare him but rather that I might come by so compendious a vvay to enioy those great felicities which I had read to be imparted in Heauen I associated my self therefore to this Brother of mine to consider vvhat meanes there might be for our obtaining this end And so vve grevv to resolue that vve vvould goe into Barbarie amongst the Mores and begg by the vvay as vve vvent that so vve might come by degrees to loose our liues there for our Lord. And it seemed that he gaue vs courage enough for this purpose euen in that tender age of ours if vve could haue found anie meanes to sett it on foot but our euen hauing of Parents seemed to be the greatest hindrance vve had We found our selues much amazed to perceaue in those things vvhich vve read that both the Paine and Glorie of the next life vvas to last for euer and vve chanced to speake often of this particular and vve tooke pleasure in repeating these vvords many times For euer For euer For euer and by continuing to pronounce them long and often our Lord vvas pleased to imprint the way of Truth vpon my hart in that verie infancie of mine But novv vvhen I savv it vvas impossible for me to goe where they might put me to death for the loue of our Lord my Brother and I proiected how to become Heremits at home and so in a certaine Garden vvhich belonged to the house vve procured to set vp some little Oratoryes or Chappels after the manner of Heremitages the best we could and vve assembled little stones for that purpose vvhich vvould instantly be falling downe againe and so vve met vvith no meanes to put out good desires in execution But in the meane time I am not vvithout some feeling of deuotion to consider hovv soone it pleased Almightie God to giue me this kinde of tendernes towards him vvhich aftervvards I grevv to loose through mine ovvne fault I gaue Almes as vvel as I could though it vvere but little I procured to be much alone for the better doing my deuotions vvhich vvere manie and especially that of the Rosarie to which my Mother vvas much affected and she endeauoured also to make vs so I tooke particular contentment vvhilst I vvas playing vvith other Children like myself to frame certaine little things like Monasteries as if vve had been Religious woemen and me thought I desired to be one though yet not vvith such vehemencie of affection as I did those other things vvhereof I spake I remember that vvhen my Mother dyed she left me a little less then tvvelue yeares old and as soone as I beganne to vnderstand hovv great a losse I had sustained by loosing her I vvas very much afflicted and so I vvent besore an Image of our Blessed Ladie and I humbly besought her vvith manie teares that she vvould vouchsafe to be my Mother And though I performed this little action but in a plaine and simple manner yet me thinkes I may vvel conceaue that it hath serued me to verie good purpose for I haue most euidently found the fauour of this Soueraigne Virgin concerning all things vvherein I haue recommended myself to her care and in fine she hath brought me about to her self It afflictes me to the very hart to see and consider hovv poore those impediments vvere vvhich kept me from remaining entire and constant in those good desires vvhich I beganne to haue But O my deare Lord since it seemes thou vvilt vouchsafe to saue me and I beseech thy Diuine Maiestie that it my be so and to shevv me so great fauours as thou hast donne me might it not please thee not for my interest and profit but for that high reuerence vvhich is due to thy self to take order that this house of my hart vvherein thou shouldst for euer remaine might be no more defiled Nay it goes O Lord to my verie soule euen to say thus much because I knovv and feele that the fault therof vvas vvholy mine for as for thee I finde clearly enough that there wanted nothing at all on thy part to secure me for being totally thine ovvne euen from that tender age of mine And if I vvould be content to seeke some colour to complaine of my Parents vvith as little reason also can I doe that since I could neuer discouer any thing in
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
a firme Foundation So that the true Loue of God consists not in hauing teares or tendernes or Spirituall gusts which we are wont for the most part to desire and to take comfort in but to serue his Diuine Maiestie with Iustice and Fortitude and Humilitie For in that other course me thinkes we are rather on the taking hand then on the giuing anie thing of our owne As for poore weake sillie woemen and who are of little courage like me me thinks I could find it fitt that our Lord should carrie them on with Regalo that so they might be the better induced to suffer those afflictions which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie that they should beare But for the true Seruants of God men of Substance and solid wayes men of Learning and Vnderstanding to make so much reflection vpon God 's not giueing them tendernes of Deuotion as I see they doe I confesse it giues me disgust euen to heare it I say not but that they should receaue these Spirituall delights when God giues them yea and that they should esteem them very much because in that case his Diuine Maiestie will haue seen that they were conuenient for them but only that when they haue them not they should not vex themselues and that they should also vnderstand that when God giues them not they are not conuenient for them but that they ought to be and remaine the Lords of themselues in all things Let them belieue that this is a defect and fault in them for I haue seen and tryed it Let them belieue that this is an imperfection and that it is not to walke on with Libertie of Spirit but rather like weake and cowardlie people who dare not set vpon difficulties And I say not this so much for them who are but beginners though yet I presse it so farr because it imports very much that they beginne with this Libertie of Spirit and resolution but euen for others also For there are manie who haue already begunne and yet who neuer in fine resolue vpon doing heerin home what they ought and I belieue that this proceeds in great part from their not resoluing to take vp and carrie this Crosse from the verie beginning For such shall goe on still afflicted as conceauing that all that is nothing which they doe because when the Vnderstanding giues-ouer to worke and act they vse not to be able to endure it and yet perhaps they will grow euen fatt and strong at the verie self same time though themselues vnderstand it not to be so We are to thinke and know that our Lord doth not consider and care for these things for howsoeuer our selues may thinke that they are faults yet they are not so indeed and his Diuine Maiestie knowes our miserie and base condition much better then our selues and considers that these Soules desire to be thinking alwaies vpon him and that they desire to loue him And this is that firme purpose which he values and expects at our hands But that other is but an affliction which we bring vpon our selues for it serues but to disquiet the Soule and to giue occasion that if before it were vnable to take anie benefit by seruing God for one hower it may now be so for fowre And manie times for I haue very great experience of this case and know it to be true because I haue both considered it with care and haue also treated about it with Spirituall persons this growes euen from our corporall indisposition for we are so very totally infirme that this poore little wretched Soule of ours participates in the miseries of the Bodie and euen the alteration of the weather and the reuolution of their owne naturall humours are many times the occasion why without euen anie fault of their owne they cannot well doe euen what they would but are faine to suffer thus in all kindes And when they striue to force themselues in these coniunctures of time it proues to be so much the worse with them and the inconuenience will last so much the longer But discretion must be vsed heerin to weigh when this Effect proceeds from this Cause and they must not oppress and stifle this poore Soule but vnderstand and consider that it is sick Let the hower of Prayer in God's name be changed yea and manie times it will be fitt to doe so for some dayes and let them passe through this bannishment of theirs as well as they can since it is misfortune and miserie enough for a Soule which doth indeed loue Almightie God to see that she liues in so great miserie and that she is no way able to doe euen what her self desires in regard that she is lodged with so vntoward and ill an Host as this Bodie is I sayd this was to be done with discretion because sometimes the Diuel will be a cause of these things and therefore it is good neither alwaies to leaue the vsuall set time of Prayer whensoeuer there may be great disturbance and distraction in the Vnderstanding nor yet alwaies to stand tormenting the Soule towards the making it doe more then it can There are also other exteriour workes of Charitie of reading also which may be vsed though yet sometimes the Soule will not be so much as fitt euen for that but in that case let the Minde be euen subiect as it were to the Bodie for the loue of Almighty God since manie other times the Bodie serues the Soule and let the Partie in such cases take the entertainment and pastime of conuersation with others so that it be holie or diuert himself with going a little abroad to take the Ayre as the Ghostlie Father shall aduise For Experience is a great Schoole-Mistris in all things towards the giuing anie one to vnderstand what may be fitt and Almightie God is serued in all this busines for his Yoake is sweet and it is a thing of much importance that the Soule be not seruilely dragged as one may say but that it be carried sweetly on towards the receauing of more benefit and profit So that I aduise againe and againe for though I say it often it will doe no hurt because the matter imports so much that no bodie is to afflict nor oppress himself either through drynesses or disquiets or distraction of thoughts nor yet to goe vp and downe with anie such kind of tribulation if they pretend to gaine Libertie of Spirit But let him once beginne not to be in such a fright vpon the sight of the Crosse and he shall see how our Blessed Lord will help him to beare it and what contentment he will grow to haue and how he will be able to make his profit of all things For already we may sufficiently perceaue that if there be no Spring of Water in the Well we know not how to put anie there True it is that we must by no meanes be negligent and careless but endeauour to draw it out if there be
anie because then our Lord is pleased to multiply our vertues by that meanes THE TWELFTH CHAPTER She prosecutes her Discourse of the First State or Degree of Prayer and declares hovv farre vve may ariue of our selues by the Fauour of our Lord And of the hurt it brings to desire that our Spirit may rise to Supernaturall and Extraordinarie things till our Lord himself be pleased to ordaine it THat which I pretended to giue to be vnderstood in the last Chapter though yet I diuerted my self much vpon other things in regard that I thought them very necessarie was to declare how much we might be able to acquire and how in this First part of our deuotions we might to some proportion help our selues because the considering and ruminating vpon that which our Lord suffered for vs is wont to moue vs to compassion and the sorrow and teares which grow from thence is a very sauourie and delightfull kind of thing And so to thinke of the Glorie for which we hope and of the Loue which our Lord bore vs as also of his Resurrection moues vs to ioy which is neither wholy Spirituall nor wholy Sensuall but this is a vertuous kind of ioy on the one side as on the other that former paine is very meritorious And of this sort are all those things which cause anie such deuotion as is acquired in part by the Vnderstanding though yet there be no merit nor gaine therein vnlesse Almightie God be pleased to giue it But now it will be very fitt for a Soule which our Lord hath not raised anie higher not to procure to exalt her self and let this be very well noted for the contrarie course will help her to nothing but losse In this Degree or State she may performe manie good acts by way of resoluing to doe great things for Almighty God and to awake and stirr-vp her loue and others also by way of assisting her self to grow-vp in seuerall vertues according to what is contained in a certaine Booke called The Art of seruing God which is a very good one and very proper for such as finde themselues in this State because the Vnderstanding doth act and exercise it self heer She may also represent her self as in the presence of Christ our Lord and accustome her self to be greatly enamoured with his most Sacred Humanitie and to be euer carrying that along in her companie and to be often speaking to it and to beg his continuall assistance in all her necessities and euen to complaine to him of her afflictions and to ioy with him for her contentments and gusts but yet not to forget him vpon occasion thereof And all this without procuring to expresse her self in anie sett kind of Prayers but to make vse of such words alone as may haue conformitie with her owne necessities and desires This is an excellent way of finding profit and that in a very short time and whosoeuer shall earnestly labour to carrie this pretious companie with himself and shall haue proceeded well therein and shall haue found the way of louing in very good earnest this Lord of ours to whome we owe so much I will giue and passe my word that this person is a very good Proficient For this purpose let it not trouble vs a whitt not to finde our selues with sensible deuotion as I haue sayd but let vs giue thankes to our Lord for giuing vs so good desires to please him though our workes be weake This way of carrying Christ our Lord in our companie is very vsefull in all the Fowre States and Degrees of Prayer It is a most secure and safe meanes to goe profiting in the First Degree and that we shall gett quickly to the Second and then to be free also in the two last from those dangers which the Diuel may prouide for vs. For this in fine is that which we may be able to doe and for anie bodie to passe-vp from hence and to exalt his Spirit towards the feeling of certaine gusts which are not allowed him is but in my opinion to loose both the one and the other because in fine that is all Supernaturall and so the Vnderstanding being at a Stand and lost the Soule remaines all desolate and with great drynes And since this whole Building is grounded vpon Humilitie the neerer we grow to Almightie God the more shall we proceed and profit in this Vertue and if we doe not this all is lost And it seemes to be no better then a kind of pride if we desire to get-vp to a higher ranke since God doth vs but too much honour and fauour considering how vnworthie we are in suffering vs to be so neer to himself But now it must not be so vnderstood as if I spoke all this against raising-vp our thoughts to consider the high things of Heauen or of God or of the greatnesses which are there aboue as also of his Incomparable Wisdome For though I neuer did this because I had no abilitie for this purpose as I haue sayd and I found my self so miserable and so meane that God did me particular fauour to enable me to thinke of earthlie things by meanes whereof I might come afterward to vnderstand this truth for euen this was no small aduenture for me and how much more was it so to consider Celestiall things yet others may take benefit heerby and especially if they haue Learning and Knowledge which is in my opinion a great treasure towards this exercise of Prayer if it be accompanied with Humilitie I haue seen the truth of this very lately by occasion of some learned men who begunne not long agoe and yet haue proceeded and profited very much which makes me haue an earnest and euen a kind of impatient desire that manie such as are learned would grow to be very Spirituall men whereof I shall giue the reason heerafter But now that which I haue sayd Namely That men must not exalt themselues to rise higher then God doth raise them is a certaine kinde of Language of Spirit and he will vnderstand me who hath experience of it but as for me I know not how to expresse it if he know not how to vnderstand me by what I haue sayd In Mysticall Theologie whereof I beganne to speake the Vnderstanding ceases from working because Almightie God suspends it as I will declare heerafter if I be able and if he giue me grace for that purpose But as for vs to presume yea or so much as to thinke of suspending it is that which I am saying we should not doe Nor must we leaue to act and worke thereby and therewith for if we doe we shall be stupid and sottish and cold and we shall effect neither the one nor the other But when our Lord suspends and stopps it he furnishes it with matter vpon which the Partie may employ himself and at which he may be amazed and he makes him vnderstand more in the time and space of saying one
a sweet repose or sleep of all the Powers which are yet neither totally lost nor yet doe they know how they worke This gust and delight and suauitie is greater beyond all comparison then the former for the Water of this grace gets-vp to the verie throat of the Soule in such sort that now it cannot goe forward nor knowes how to doe it nor yet would by anie meanes returne backward but enioyes an excessiue kinde of glorie It is as when a man is already with the Holie Candle in his hand so that now there wants very little of dying but it is of that verie death which is desired for she is enioying the greatest delight that can be imagined in that agonie of hers and me thinkes it is no other thing then euen to dye as it were entirely to all the things of this world and to be enioying Almightie God For my part I can thinke of no other tearmes wherewith to expresse it or declare it nor knowes the Soule at that time what to doe nor whether she should speake or be silent or laugh or weep It is a glorious kinde of Frensie and a Celestiall kinde of Follie where yet true wisdome is learnt and it is a most delightfull manner of enioying for the Soule in a Superlatiue Degree It is true that it may be about some fiue or six yeares since first our Lord vouchsafed to allow me this kinde of Prayer often and in great abundance and that I neither did either perfectly vnderstand it nor yet can exactly declare it and for my part I made account when I was come hither that I could say either little or nothing And yet I well vnderstood that this was not an entire Vnion of all the Powers of the Soule and yet still that it was clearly more then might be found in the former Degree of Prayer and yet withall I must euer confesse that I could not tell how to know and much lesse exactly determine what this differēce was But I well belieue that for the humilitie which your Reuerence hath shewed in being desirous to help your self by so great a simplicitie as mine our Lord gaue me this Prayer this day immediatly after my receauing the B. Sacrament yet without my being able to goe forward And he put these Comparisons into my head and taught me the manner how to expresse them and what the Soule is to doe in these cases and really I was amazed at it for I vnderstood all this busines at an instant Manie times I was as it were out of my self and as if I had been euen inebriated with this loue and yet I could neuer vnderstand how it was Only I knew very well that it was God but I could not tell the manner how he wrought in me at that time For it is the verie truth that the Powers are as it were all vnited though yet not so ingulfed but that still they worke and I haue been extreamly ioyed that at length I am come to vnderstand it and Blessed be our Lord for euer who hath regaled me in so high a degree These Powers haue only now abilitie to busie themselues totally vpon Almightie God nor doth it seem that anie of them now euen dares so much as houer or stirre not as it were breath if we doe not diuert our selues then with great endeauour yea and euen so me thinkes we can scarce doe it entirely at that time A multitude of words are conceaued heer by the Soule in praise of our Lord but yet so as that they are without anie order vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to order them for at least the Vnderstanding serues heer for nothing The Soule would faine cry out in praise of Almightie God she is then in such condition as that she knowes not how to cōtaine her self This is now a very fauourie kinde of disquiet and now yea euen very now the Flowers open themselues to blossome and already doe they beginne to yeild their odour And heer the Soule would be glad that all the world might be able to see and vnderstand her glorie that so Almightie God might be praised and that they might be able to assist her therein and that she might giue them part of her ioy as not knowing how to enioy it all her self Me thinkes she is now to be like her of the Ghospel who had a minde to call-in all her Neighbours Or els like the admirable Spirit of the Royall Prophet Dauid who might feele some such thing in himself as this when he played vpon his Harpe and sung in honour and praise of Almightie God I find my self very much deuoted to this Glorious King and I wish that all the world were so especially all we who are Sinners O my deare Lord what kind of thing is a Soule when she findes her self in such a condition as this She would faine become all Toung to praise our Lord. She vtters a thousand holie impertinencies but yet she doth euer endeauour to hitt right in pleasing him who holds her there in that manner I know of a certaine person who though she were no Poet yet instantly did she happen to make certaine Verses all extempore which were very significant in the way of complaint declared her paine very well though they were not made by her owne Vnderstanding alone but for the better enioying that glorie which gaue her so delightfull a paine she complained thereof to her God She wishes that she might be all torne in pieces both in Bodie and Soule to shew the ioy she findes to feele this paine What tormēts could then be set before her which then she would not be glad to endure for the loue of our Lord She clearly sees that the Martyrs did very little on their parts when they suffered torments for the Soule knowes then very well that her strength comes to her by some other way then from her self But now what will she feele when she comes back to employ her witts vpon knowing how to liue againe in this world and to returne both to the cares and complements thereof And certainly me thinkes I am farre from hauing exaggerated anie thing concerning this manner of ioy which our Lord is pleased to make a Soule possesse euen in this place of bannishment for all that which I haue sayd of it is very poore and meane in comparison of what it is in it self Blessed be thou for euer O Lord and let all things praise thee for euer And be pleased O my King I most humbly beseech and begg at thy hands that since when euen now I am not wholy out of this holie Celestiall Frensie or follie which through thy goodnes and mercie and so wholy without anie merit of mine thou dost me the great Fauour to impart either all such persons as with whome I shall haue occasion to conuerse may be euen as it were madd fooles for thy loue or els dispose thou so of me as that
haue already shewed that there is then no power at all to doe anie thing that I expresse my self to his Diuine Maiestie much after this manner O Lord consider well what thou dost forget not my so very greiuous Sinnes so very soone and though thou haue forgotten them so farre as to vouchsafe to forgiue them yet remember them also I humbly beseech thee so farre as to make thee put some limits vpon those Fauours which thou art pleased to bestow vpon me Powre not O my Creatour so pretious a liquour as that into so broken a vessell as this since already thou hast seen how often I haue scattered and spilt it O lodge not and trust not such a treasure as this where the appetite and affection to all the consolations of this life is not yet so totally lost and spent as it ought to be for if thou doe it will be vtterly wasted How canst thou find in thy hart to deliuer the strength of this Cittie and euen the verie keyes of the Fort into the hands of such a cowardlie Commander who is likelie not to faile to giue the Enemie entrance vpon the first Assault which he shall make Let not O my Eternal King thy loue to me be so great as that it should make thee put such pretious Iewels as these into hazard And to me it seemes O my Lord that thou mayst giue the world occasion heerby to vndervalue these great Fauours of thine since thou puttest them into the custodie and power of a Creature who is so wicked so base so weake so miserable and of so little worth in anie kinde Who though I now beginne to labour that I may not vtterly loose them through thy fauour which also hath no need to be little considering what kind of thing I am shall yet be neuer able to gaine anie other Creature to thee by meanes thereof In fine I am a woeman and no good woeman but a very wicked one and it seemes that these Talents of thine are thus not only to be hidden by this meanes but euen to be quite buried vp since thou puttest them into so vngratious and vnluckie a Soyle Thou art not wont O Lord to impart such Fauours and Greatnesses as these to anie Soule but when there may be hope that she will be able to gaine manie others to thy Seruice And thou knowest O my God already that I haue sometimes begged this Fauour and still I begg it of thee with my whole hart and with the entire affection thereof and I am resolued to thinke it fitt to be content to loose the highest blessing which can possibly be enioyed vpon earth to the end that thou maist vouchsafe it to some other who will profit more by it that so thine owne glorie may be encreased Both these and such other things as these hath it occurred to me to vtter manie times but yet afterward I perceaued mine owne great follie heerin togeather with my little humilitie for our Lord knowes very well what is fittest for euerie Creature and that there was not to be strength enough in my Soule whereby she might euer grow to be saued if his Diuine Maiestie had not enriched her with so great Fauours But I also now pretend to declare the graces and effects which remaine by this Prayer in the Soule and what that is which she may be able to doe of her self and if she may anie way conduce towards the bringing her self to this high State It happens that this Eleuation of the Spirit or Vnion come both of them with a Celestiall kind of Loue. For according to my way of vnderstanding this Vnion is a different things from Eleuation though yet the Soule be eleuated in this verie Vnion Whosoeuer hath not tried and felt this last will be of a different conceipt but yet in my opinion though euen it should be all one yet our Lord workes therin after a different manner And by the encrease which the Soule hath of being able to vntye her self from the loue of all Creatures she seemes to be very much greater in that Flight and Eleuation of the Spirit And I haue clearly seen that this is a distinct and particular Fauour although the things themselues may be all one as I say or at least may seem so But a small fire is as truly and really Fire as a great one and yet still we see difference enough between the one and the other for before a little iron can be able to be made red hot in a small fire a good space of time will be spent but now if the fire be great the iron though it be also great will loose the apparance of iron very quickly Iust so doth it seem to me to happen in these two sorts of Fauours from our Blessed Lord and I know that whosoeuer may euer haue ariued to be in Rapt will vnderstand me well but such as haue had no experience therin will hold all that to be impertinent which I haue sayd Perhaps also it is so indeed and so as he will haue had reason who beleiues it For how shall such a thing as I presume to speake of such a thing as this and to giue some part of that to be vnderstood which it seemes impossible euen to beginne to declare with anie words So that it is not strange a whitt if I talke idly But yet I beleiue this of our Blessed Lord because his Diuine Maiestie knowes that next to this act of Obedience my intention is no other then to make Soules euen as it were gluttonous after the obtaining of so high a good that he will be pleased to assist me heerin and I am sure I will say nothing whereof I haue not had much experience And it is a reall truth that when I beganne to write of this Water I conceaued it to be a more impossible thing for me to treat of it then to speake Greeke so very hard did I finde it Vpon this I gaue it ouer and went to receaue the Blessed Sacrament But our Lord be euer praised who doth so great Fauours to ignorant persons O vertue of Obedience which art able to doe all things For Almightie God did illuminate my vnderstanding sometimes by helping me to the verie expresse words which I was to vse and at other times by representing the manner to me how I should declare the thing So that as his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to doe in the former Degree of Prayer it seemes that he will also heer declare what I neither can nor know how to expresse But that which now I say is a most literall truth and so that which shall be good is his instruction and doctrine and whatsoeuer falls-out to be ill it is cleare that it proceeds and flowes from this deep Sea of mischeif and Sinne which is my self And therefore I heer affirme that if anie haue ariued to these points and particulars of Prayer wherein our Lord hath done so great Fauour
my Lord who hast in such sort vouchsafed to make so filthie a Fish-Pond as I was become so pure and cleare a water as that it may serue for thine owne Table Be thou adored and praised O thou Regalo of the Angels who hast vouchsafed thus to exalt so base a worme This profit of the Soule remaines for some time therin and now she can already vnderstand clearly enough that the Fruit is none of her owne and she beginns to giue part of it to others without euer feeling anie want of it her self She now beginns also to giue signes and apparances of being the owner of some such Soule as it to be a Iewel-House fitt for the Treasures of Heauen and to carrie great desires of making others partake them and humbly to beseech Almightie God that she may not be alone in possessing them She beginns now to profit her Neighbours without almost vnderstanding it her self and without her seeming to doe anie thing therin but they who receaue the benefit vnderstand it well For already doe those Flowers yeild so high and apparant a Sent that it inuites all the world to come neer them They know that she hath great Vertues and they see that the Fruit is very tempting and they would faine help her to eat it And now if the earth of this Garden be manured and digged-vp very deep with Persecutions with Detractions and with Sicknes as there are few who ariue thus farre without these things and if also it be very cleane stripped of all proper Interest the Water sinkes so very deeply into this Soyle that it will scarce be euer dry againe But yet if it be such a kind of earth as that with being earth it haue also such a quantitie and companie of thornes as I remained with in the beginning and if it want a rooting-out of the occasions of ill and is not withall so gratefull as so high a Fauour requires that Soyle growes againe to be dry And in that case if the Gardner proue negligent and slack and if out Lord through his owne onlie goodnes doe not againe resolue to bestow raine vpon it you may well giue this Garden for destroyed and lost For iust thus did it happen to me seuerall times and really I am euen amazed to reflect vpon it yea and it were not possible for me to beleiue it if the case had not been wholy mine owne But now I write thus much for the comfort of such Soules as are weake like mine to the end that they may neuer despaire nor so much as once leaue to haue confidence in the greatnes of Almightie God and that although they should fall euen after our Lord had brought them to so incomparable Fauours as are mentioned heer they must not yet despaire vnlesse they will be totally lost for there is nothing which will not be gotten with teares and so the employing of one Water will be the meanes of getting another One of the things by which I haue been animated with being that miserable Creature which I am to write this Discourse and to giue this kind of account of my wicked Life and of the Fauours which our Lord hath been pleased to doe me and that not whilst I was seruing him but offending him hath been this And really I wish now that I were some person of great authoritie that so I might be the better beleiued in this particular and I humbly beseech the Diuine Maiestie of my deare Lord that he will bestow this Fauour vpon me I say then that no one euen of those Creatures who haue begunne to vse Mentall Prayer is to be dismayed with saying If I should returne to be wicked againe it would be worse for me to goe forward with the vse of Prayer For the thing which I beleiue is that it will be worse if he giue-ouer his Prayer and forbeare to reforme his life But if he shall not giue-ouer his Prayer let him be confident that it will bring him againe to the Port where he shall be able to see the Lanterne and ariue safe The Diuel made so feirce batterie against me and I passed so long without Prayer as conceauing that being so wicked as I was it would be an act of more humilitie to desist from it that I gaue it ouer for about a yeare and a halfe or for a yeare at least for of the half yeare I remember it not so very precisely But this was likelie to be and was then indeed no other thing then for me to put my self euen into Hell without needing anie Diuels for that purpose O my deare Lord how great is that blindnes and how vnhappily doth the Diuel hitt right for his purpose in laying so heauie a loade vpon vs heerin The Traytour knowes very well that he hath lost that Soule which continues with perseuerance in Prayer and that all those Falls which he procures to giue vs will but assist vs through the goodnes of Almightie God to make afterwards the greater leape towards his Seruice The Diuel I say knowes very well how much this imports him But O my deare Iesus what a thing it is to see a Soule in this State falne-back to Sinne when yet thou by thy mercie dost lend him that hand of thine to rise againe O how will such an one come to know the multitude of thy greatnesses and mercies togeather with his owne miserie Heer comes this Creature in to vnderstand thy Maiesticall way and to annihilate himself in good earnest Heer is the Soule not once presuming so much as to lift her eyes vp to Heauen though yet she raise her thoughts to consider the vnspeakable obligation which she hath to thee She heer growes all deuoted to the Queen of Heauen that she may helpe to appease thee Heer she inuokes those Saints who fell after thou hadst once called them to thy Seruice to the end that she may be assisted by them Heer she conceaues and finds that whatsoeuer Crosses thou send her they are all of them too easie and light because she sees already that she deserues not the verie ground vpon which she goes Heer enters the frequenting the Sacraments of the Church and that vigorous Liuelie Faith which now remaines in her hart as seing the great power and vertue which God infused into it The praising thee for hauing left such Vnguents and other Medicines for the cure of our Sores which close not only the skinne but take them vtterly away In a word she is amazed at all these things and who O thou Lord of my Soule is not to be amazed at so great mercie and at such an ouerflowing kind of Fauour vpon our Treasons which are so abominable and fowle that for my part I cannot vnderstand how my hart comes not euen to splitt when I write thus much because I find my self so very wicked And yet the while it seemes as if I had a minde to make thee a kind of recompence satisfaction
togeather vvith the Bodie and so both of them participate therin And it is not also with that extremitie of being as it were abandoned and vtterly forsaken which yet abounds in this wherein as I was saying we haue no part at all our selues But there often comes a kind of desire vnseasonably and vnexpectedly vpon vs and I know not from whence it moues And vpon this desire which penetrates the whole Soule euen at one verie instant she beginnes to afflict and euen belabour her self so as that she rises much aboue her self and indeed aboue whatsoeuer is created and Almightie God is pleased to make her so very desolate disgusted in order to all temporall things that how much soeuer she may labour and endeauour to the contrarie there is nothing in this world which will either accompanie her or whereby she would be glad to be accompanied but euen directly to dye in that Solitude For if anie bodie speake to her or if she would employ all the power which possibly she might haue to speake to others it serues to very little purpose for her Spirit doe what she can doth still not depart from making her find her selfe to be perfectly alone And though it seem to me as if Almightie God were then extreamly remote from her yet at times he communicates his greatnesses to her by a manner the most highly strange that can be imagined yea and more strange then can possibly be expressed Nor doe I beleiue that anie other creature will either beleiue it or can vnderstand it but only some such person as may haue felt it For this is no communication to giue comfort but only to shew the reason which that person hath to be afflicted and distressed for being absent from that Good which comprehends all good things in it self By meanes of this communication both the desire doth encrease and so also doth the extremitie of that Solitude wherein the Soule findes her self togeather with a certaine paine which is so very delicate and penetratiue the Soule being placed then in that kind of Desert that it may expresly and euen literally seem to be at that time that verie thing where of the Royall Prophet spoke when he was in the same verie Solitude Saue that our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe the sense of those things to him and make him feele it being a Saint after a more perfect manner But the words whereof I speake were these Vigilaui factus sum sicut passer solitarius in tecto I haue vvatched and am become like a solitarie Sparrovv vpon the topp of a House For so doth that Verse represent it self to me at those times that me thinkes I doe euen see mine owne condition therin And it comforts me to obserue that others haue also found themselues in so high an extremitie of Solitude and especially when they were such persons as the Royall Prophet was So that me thinkes this kind of Soule is not then it self but rather vpon the verie topp or ridge as one may say therof yea and of all things also which are created for then mee thinkes the Soule remaines in the very highest and most superiour part of her self At other times the Soule seemes to find her self in that occasion as in the verie extremitie of necessitie and miserie and that then she is saying and asking her self this question VVhere is novv thy God But now heer it is to be noted that for my part I knew not then what those words signifyed in the vulgar Toung yet when afterwards I came to know it I was much comforted to see that our Lord was pleased to bring them to my memorie without anie procurement at all of mine At other times I also called that Saying of S. Paul to minde That he vvas crucifyed to the vvorld I say not that I was so for I see but too well that I am not but me thinkes the Soule in this case is very much after that manner for she gets no comfort either from Heauen because she is not there nor carries she anie affection at all to the Earth nor is she also there but remaines as if she were euen crucifyed between Heauen Earth and suffering all the while without receauing anie succour either from one of these places or the other For that which comes to her from Heauen which is as I haue sayd before but a notice of Almightie God so admirable aboue all that which we know anie way how to desire doth but serue for her greater torment because it multiplyes the same desire in such sort that the excessiue paine thereof doth put her in my opinion euen past her senses saue that she remaines so but a very little while Now this condition of minde seemes to be no lesse then euen the verie agonie and passage of death it self yet withall there is so very great a contētment taken in this suffering that I know not to what in fine I may possibly be able to compare it It is a feirce and yet a sauourie and delightfull kind of Martyrdome since all that which concernes this world and which it is possible to represent to the Soule yea though it were euen the most delightfull Obiect which euer she had been accustomed to embrace is by no meanes admitted but is instantly cast sharply away from her She vnderstands also heer very well that she cares for nothing at all but Almightie God and yet she considers no particular thing euen in him but she will haue him all togeather and yet after a sort she knowes not what she would haue I say againe that she knowes not because her Imagination represents nothing at all to her yea and in my opinion during a great part of that time wherein she is after that manner the Powers of her Soule doe not worke that ioy which vses to be felt both in the case of Vnion and of Rapts for they are wholy suspended by her paine But O that I were able to giue your Reuerence to vnderstand this busines well though it were but that you might so make me know more particularly what it is For now this is that in which my Soule doth ordinarily most cōtinue whensoeuer I am not employed about somewhat she is put euen vpon these verie straights and agonie of death She is afrayd when she sees them beginne for feare least it should cost me my life but yet when it is once begunne she would be glad that during all that life which might last she might continue in that state of sufferance though yet still it be so very excessiue that the person is scarce able to endure it For sometimes I am in effect without anie pulse at all as my Sisters tell me who then come towards me to see what passes for now they beginne a little to vnderstand more of the case And the bones of my verie armes to which the ioynts are fastned grow then to be euen opened and my hands are so starke and
choose for the helping of others though yet still it must be considered that this strength proceeds not from themselues But when once our Blessed Lord brings a Soule so neer himself as I haue shewed he goes by little and little communicating very great secrets to her And heer come the true Reuelations in this kind of Extasis and other great Fauours and Visions And all these things serue to make this Soule both more humble and more strong and to giue her grace to hold all kind of worldlie things in no account as also to know more clearly the greatnes of that reward which our Blessed Lord hath prouided for such as serue him I humbly befeech his Diuine Maiestie that the excessiue bountie which he hath vouchsafed to shew towards this miserable sinnefull Creature may proue some part of a motiue to make them who shall read this Discourse encourage and animate themselues to leaue all things yea euen absolutly all for Almightie God since his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to giue so compleat rewards For we see and that clearly enough what aduantages and Fauours and retributions he is pleased to allow euen in this life to such as serue him and what then will he be sure to doe for them in the next THE TWO AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER In vvhich she treats of hovv secure a vvay it is for persons vvho giue themselues to Contemplation not to raise-vp their Spirit to high things vnlesse our Lord raise them vp and that the Humanitie of Christ our Lord is in deed to be the meanes tovvards the highest Contemplation of all others She speakes also of an errour vvherein once she vvas This Chapter containes matter of much profit I Will heer declare a certaine thing which is in my opinion very important and if your Reuerence thinke fitt it may serue you for a word of aduise yea and perhaps you may grow euen to haue need therof I haue read in some Bookes written of Prayer which affirme that how soeuer the Soule is not able of it self to ariue to that State whereof I spake before because all that is Supernaturall which our Lord workes there yet she may be able forsooth to help her self therin by raising-vp her Spirit aboue all things created and that so she hauing raised it vp manie yeares togeather with humilitie and hauing first passed through the Purgatiue way and after that through the Illuminatiue they aduise in particular manner that men should separate and abstract themselues from all kind of imagination or reflection vpon corporeall things and that so they should be able to approach and reach the contemplation of the Diuinitie For they say that although it be euen the verie Humanitie it self of Christ our Lord yet is it of some impediment to such as proceed thus farre yea and that it hinders men from the most perfect kind of Contemplation For the making this Opinion good they alleadge that which our Lord sayd to his Apostles when himself was ascending-vp to Heauen of the coming of the Holie-Ghost downe vpon them which would not be accomplished till himself were retired out of their sight But for my part I am apt to conceaue that if they had then had that Liuelie Faith of our Lord 's being both God and Man which they had after the coming of the Holie Ghost his Corporall Presence would haue done them no hurt at all For he held no such discourse to his Blessed Mother though she loued him much more then they all But these men vse to alleadge this passage or place of Scripture because it seemes to them in regard that all this action of Prayer is a worke of Spirit that euerie Corporeall Obiect will be able to diuert and hinder it and that forsooth they must consider themselues after a manner which is totally independent vpon Creatures and that God is alike neer them on all sides and so to see themselues ingulfed in him is the thing which they should endeauour to obtaine Now this doth not displease me to be vsed at sometimes and in some cases but yet to denide our selues wholy from the person of Christ our Lord and to bring that Diuine Bodie of his into the account and companie of these miseries of ours or euen with all the rest of the whole created world I can by no meanes ondure and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie that I may be able to giue my self to be vnderstood I will not yet put my self to contradict them because they are learned men and spirituall persons who faile not to know well what they say and it is also very true that it pleases Almightie God to carrie and conduct Soules by seuerall walkes and wayes as he did mine And now I will declare some particulars thereof for in the rest I will not interpose my self but only speake of the danger wherein I found I was because I conformed my self to what I had read I well beleiue that whosoeuer shall find himself to haue ariued to the State of Vnion and not to haue passed further on so farre as to haue Rapts and Visions togeather with such other Fauours as our Lord is wont to impart to Soules may hold that which is spoken of to be better as I also did But yet if I had continued therein I beleiue I should neuer haue ariued to that pitch wherein now I am For in my opinion it is an errour and deceipt though yet perhaps it may be my self who am the person deceiued yet I will relate what hapned to me Whilst I was in want of a Directour and the while went reading the Bookes afforesayd whereby I thought I grew to vnderstand somewhat by little and little I came indeed to find afterward that if our Lord had not been my teacher I should haue learnt very little by those Bookes For really it was nothing which I vnderstood till his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to make me know it by experience nor indeed did I know what I did But when afterward I came so farre as to haue some kind of Prayer which was Supernaturall I meane the Prayer of Quiet I procured to dismisse my self of all kind of Corporeall Obiects though yet I durst not goe raising and exalting my Soule For considering that I was alwaies so very wicked I saw that this was to be a great presumption in me But then I came to thinke that I felt a kind of Presence of Almightie God in me after a particular manner as indeed I did and I procured to recollect my self with him And this is a very sauourie and gustfull kind of Prayer if our Lord assist a Soule particularly therein and the delight of it is great and when both the profit and pleasure which it giues is once obserued by the Soule there could be then no meanes to make me returne againe to the Humanitie of Christ our Lord because in realitie of truth I conceiued that it was an impediment to me Othou Lord
lasts no longer then the opening as it were and shutting of an eye for then in effect it is scarce felt at all but only by the very effects which it leaues behind it and when on the other side this Fauour continues to be of much longer extent But it occurrs to mee often to doubt whether the cause of this may not be that the Soule disposes not her self entirely for God till his Diuine Maiestie bring her vp and breed her for himself by little and little and so bespeake her to resolue her self all at once and giue her the verie strength of a growne man to the end that she may cast all as it were a thousand miles off as he instantly did with S. Marie Magdalen and as he also doth with others after the rate of their co-operating with him and as they suffer his Diuine maiestie to dispose of them wholy according to his owne good pleasure for els we know not how to beleiue that euen in this life Almightie God giues a hundred for one I thought also of this Comparison That supposing the thing to be all one which is imparted both to Beginners and Proficients it would be like to some one only food whereof manie feed all at once and that they who eat little of it preserue no more memory and remaine with no more effect of it then only some little sauour or smack for a while but they who feed more largely it giues them helpe to subsist and they who feed plentifully on it receiue encrease of strength and spirit by it yea and a Soule may feed so often and so fully vpon this food of life that she may come not to endure anie thing at all which shall not tast iust like that For she findes the very great benefit which she receiues by it and she hath her tast already so wholy made to that sweetnes that she had rather euen leaue to liue then to feed vpon other things which were all to serue in fine for nothing but only to take away the good tast which the former excellent food left in her mouth Besides no conuersation with holie companie is wont to be of so much vse and benefit in one day as in manie but we may be in it so long as that we may grow to be euen like them our selues if our Lord will be pleased to doe vs so much fauour But to conclude the mayne busines consists in what his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafes to doe and to whome he will be pleased to allow it though yet withall it grow to import very much that whosoeuer will pretend to receiue this Fauour must fully resolue himself to be absolutly dis-engaged and vntyed from the whole world yea and to esteem that Fauour of our Blessed Lord as highly as the thing deserues It also seemes to me as if his Diuine Maiestie were resoluing to try who they are that loue him Namely whether it be this Soule or that and that he would also discouer who himself is by imparting so high and soueraigne a delight to quicken and fortifye their Faith if it should chance to be dead or weake in the beleif of those great blessings which he meanes to giue her saying Behold this is but a single dropp of that huge and vast Sea of benedictions which I meane to giue to such as I loue And when he sees that they receiue it as he giues it he giues not only it but himself with it In fine he loues them who loue him And O what a good Louer and good Beloned is he Othou the Lord of my Soule O that I could find anie fitt words whereby I might giue to be vnderstood what thou bestowest vpon such as trust thee home and what they loose who ariue to this condition and yet will needs remaine still with themselues But doe not O thou my Lord permitt this since already thou dost more then this for our sakes in coming to so base and wicked a lodging as this of my hart Blessed maist thou be for euer and for euer Amen And now I returne most humbly to beseech your Reuerence that if you meane to impart these things which I haue written concerning my Prayer they may be very Spirituall persons to whome yow doe it For if they vnderstand no more then some one way or if they haue remained in the half way they will neuer be so well able to hitt right Now there are some whome Almightie God carries instantly by a very sublime kind of addresse and they perhaps will conceiue that others may also profit there and may quiet and calme the Vnderstanding and not serue themselues at all of the meanes of anie Corporeall obiect but yet these creatures with all this shall come in fine to remaine as dry as a stick And some who haue growne to enioy a little Quiet grow also to thinke of this fancie that Why forsooth may not they be able to obtaine as well the one as the other But such as these in stead of aduancing in the way of profiting their Soules shall really disaduantage themselues as I haue sayd So that in all this busines there will be need both of experience and prudence and I beseech our Lord grant them to vs through his owne goodnes THE THREE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She returnes to declare the course of her life and hovv she first beganne to thinke of grovving to greater perfection and by vvhat meanes she did it This Chapter is very profitable for such as are to gouerne Soules in order to Prayer and to make them knovv hovv they are to behaue themselues in their beginnings and of the benefit she reaped by knovving it her self I will now returne to that place where I gaue ouer the Discourse of my Life for I haue detained my self perhaps longer then I ought to the end that yet that which followes may grow to be the better vnderstood From hence forward this will be another new Booke I meane another new Life for hitherto it was mine but the Life which I haue liued since I beganne to declare these things of Prayer is that when God liued in me forasmuch as I could conceiue since I hold it to be impossible otherwise for me to haue giuen ouer both such ill actions and conditions in so short a time Let our Lord be euerlastingly praised for deliuering me in such sort from my self But I beginning now to free my Soule from the occasions of ill and to giue my self more to Prayer our Lord beganne also to doe me Fauours as one who in all apparance desired but that I would be content to receiue them His Diuine Maiestie did therefore then very ordinarily giue me the Prayer of Quiet and manie times that also of Vnion which lasted very long fitts of time But now when I vnderstood that there had occurred great Illusions of certaine woemen and deceipts which the Diuel put vpon them I beganne to be afrayd as considering the delight and sweetnes
doe it himself as indeed he did nor yet could I euer imagine that it would proue to take effect with me as yet it fell out to doe because already I had vsed some endeauours that way and the affliction which I receiued by it was so great that I resolued to giue ouer the attempt as being a thing which I held not to be inconuenient to continue But now heer our Blessed Lord imparted both libertie and strength to me to put it in execution I told this verie thing to my Ghostlie Father and I gaue ouer that freindship according to what I had been commanded And it did them no little good with whome I had been wont to conuerse to see this resolution growne in me Almightie God be euer blessed and praised who gaue me that libertie and power in one moment which I had not been able to purchase and obtaine of my self by the multitude of those great diligences which I had vsed manie yeares in order to this end though yet I had employed my self so earnestly vpon this attempt that it had cost me a good part of my health But now this hauing been wrought and granted by him who is the Omnipotent and true Lord of all Creatures it put me not euen to the least paine or trouble at all THE FIVE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She treats heer of the vvay and manner of vnderstanding those vvords or speeches vvhich Almightie God is pleased to vtter to the Soule though yet vvithout hearing anie voice or sound and of some errours or abuses vvhich may happen heerin and hovv the right may be knovvne from the vvrong It is of much vse and profit for such as see themselues in this Degree of Prayer for it is declared very vvell and the Doctrine containes great instruction ME thinkes it should doe well to declare what kind of thing this Speech is which our Lord expresses to the Soule and what she also feeles to the end that your Reuerence may vnderstand it for from this verie time when our Lord did me this Fauour as I haue sayd the same thing is very vsuall with me euen till this verie present as I shall let you see by that which followes I say therefore that they are certaine Words very distinctly formed and that howsoeuer they be not heard with our eares of flesh and bloud yet are they vnderstood much more expresly and clearly then if they were so heard And to seeke to forbeare to vnderstand them yea and to resist the vnderstanding them how much soeuer it may be is a vanitie and a most impossible thing When in this world we haue a minde not to heare we may stopp our eares or els attend to other things if we will in such sort as that although peraduenture we may heare the words yet we shall not in that case vnderstand them But now in this discourse which Almightie God makes to the Soule there is no remedie at all but they make me harken to them whether I will or no they oblige the VnderstaÌ„ding to be very entire attentiue for the coÌ„prehending thereof For he who is able to doe all things is resolued that we shall vnderstand him and that which he resolues must be done and so he comes to be knowne to be the true Lord of vs all I haue very well experimented this truth for the resistance which I made him did last vpon the point of two yeares through the great feare wherein I was yea and euen now I make those tryalls sometimes but it serues me to little purpose I would faine declare the errours and abuses which may heer occurr though for a man who hath much experience me thinkes there should be few or none But indeed the sayd experience would be great as namely to know the difference when the Spirit is good and when it is ill and when perhaps the thing may also be but an apprehension of the verie Vnderstanding it self which may occurr or when the verie Spirit it self may speake to the verie self-same Spirit and I know not very well whether this may happen or no though euen this verie day I had a kind of opinion that it might When these Words are indeed of Almightie God I haue found the truth thereof in manie things which were told me two or three yeares before and they all fell out to proue true and till now not anie one of them failed There are also other things whereby it growes to proue very plaine that the Spirit is of God as I will declare afterward To me it seemes that a person recommending a thing to Almightie God with great earnestnes and apprehension may grow to make himself conceiue that he comes to vnderstand in some sort whether the thing shall be done or no and this I say is very possible but he who vnderstands things after this other manner will clearly discouer what it may be so great a difference there is between the two And if indeed it be a thing which the Vnderstanding deuises and makes how subtily and how delicately soeuer the matter goe he vnderstands that there is some part of himself in that which is ordained and sayd For it is no other thing then for a man to set a Discourse on foot or to harken to what another man sayes for then the Vnderstanding findes that it doth not harken then because it workes and the words which it goes framing in that case are as it were fantasticall and mute and confused and are not deliuered with that clearnes which those others haue And now heer it is in our owne power to diuert our selues or els to hold our peace when we speake but in this other case we haue no such power at all Another signe there is which is of more importance then all the rest for these things which are sayd by our selues haue no manner of operation and worke no effect at all But the other when our Lord is pleased to speake is not only of words but workes and though they be not words of deuotion but of reprehension they instantly dispose the Soule and they enable her and make her relent and they giue light and regale her and appease her And if she were in state of drynes and commotion and disorder these Words take all away as if it were with the hand yea and yet much better then so for it seemes that our Lord's busines is then to shew his mightie power and that his Words are deeds Me thinkes there is such a difference as there is between our speaking or hearing neither more â—orlesse For that which I speake I goe ordering as I was saying with my Vnderstanding but if another speake to me I doe no more then heare without anie trouble at all to my self One of these kindes of VVords is like some thing whereof we cannot well determine whether it be not as of a man who is half asleepe But this other is found to come from a voice so
distinct and cleare that not one single syllable of all that which is sayd can be lost And yet these things happen sometimes when the Vnderstanding and indeed the whole Soule is in so great distraction disorder that it would neuer be able to hitt right in the framing of one little peice of good discourse but she findes in this other way certaine great and weightie sentences which are imparted to her so strangely well ordered and dressed that though she were neuer so deeply recollected she were not able to reach them and yet at the verie first word thereof as I was saying they beginne to make a totall mutation of her Soule And especially if she be brought into Rapt when the Powers of the Soule are suspended how shall those things euer come to be vnderstood by her after a naturall way which were neuer exposed before to her Memorie as they come to be then when it workes not in effect at all and when her Imagination is now vpon the matter as it were all turned foole But heer it is to be vnderstood that whensoeuer either Visions are seen or anie of these Supernaturall Words or Speeches be heard it is neuer in my opinion at such times as when the Soule is wholy vnited in the Rapt it self for at those times as I thinke I declared already in my Discourse of the Second Water all the Powers of the Minde are entirely lost and so we cannot at such times as those either see or heare or vnderstand For the Soule is wholy in the power of another at that time which yet vses to last very little and me thinkes our Lord leaues her not in libertie to doe anie thing at all But when that short time is past the Soule remaining still in the Rapt this happens whereof now I speake because the Powers remaine in such sort at that time And though they be not lost yet in effect they operate and act nothing at all but are as if they were absorpt and no way able to discourse by the assembling and composing of reasons But there are so manie wayes to vnderstand the differeÌ„nce which occurrs heer between the true and the false that if the Soule should chance to be deceaued some once she would not be so very often Nay I say further that if the Soule haue had anie experience and be carefull to obserue what passes she will euidently discerne this truth For besides all other meanes whereby that will appeare which I haue sayd these strained words will worke no effect at all neither will the Soule euer admit them as yet she must these other true ones whether she will or no. Nor giues she anie credit to the thing at all but rather findes and knowes that it is but a kind of idle imagination iust so in effect as we would not make account of anie thing which were sayd to vs by a frantick person But this other is as if we heard some person speake who were very holie and learned and of great authoritie and such an one as we are sure would not lye Yea and this is but a meane and base Comparison because indeed these verie Words doe bring with them sometimes so great a Maiestie that euen without so much as reflecting vpon who it is that speakes them if they be words of reprehension they make men tremble and if they concerne the Loue of God they make Soules euen dissolue and as it were annihilate themselues in loue And they are things in fine which as I haue sayd already are very farre then from our remembrance and there vse to be so high and so great sentences so clearly and so suddainly pronounced as that there would haue been need of a very great deale of time for the putting them in order and for my part I thinke it is wholy impossible that then such things as those should be euen conceiued by vs to haue been made or framed by our selues So that there is no cause at all why I should detaine my self heerin anie longer for it would looke like a kind of wonder in mine eye if anie experienced person should be able to be deceiued heerin vnlesse he would euen haue a minde to deceiue himself It hath hapned to me very â—â—â—en not fully to beleiue that which these VVords tell me if I be in anie doubt at all thereof but to conceiue that it was no more then mine owne fancie This I doe when the occasion is past for at the present it is impossible but I haue seen it fulfilled long after because our Lord is pleased that the same should remaine still in the memorie for it is not possible to forget it Now that which is wont to proceed from our owne Vnderstanding is in effect but the first motion of our thoughts which quickly passes away and is forgotten whereas this other is a VVorke rather then a vvord And though some part of it may be forgotten in a long tract of time yet the Memorie cannot loose it so farre as not to know that it was sayd vnlesse the time may haue been very long or els if they be VVords of Fauour or of Doctrine and Instruction but if they be of Prophesye they neuer happen in my opinion to be forgotten at least this neuer hapned to me though yet I haue a very ill memorie And now I returne to say that me thinkes if a Soule be not as it were so base and wicked as euen in effect not to be a Soule and vnlesse it would counterfeit and feigne which were mischief and miserie enough and would say that she vnderstands things when yet really there were no such matter it is impossible but that she should see clearly that it is she her self who composes and frames those Words and speakes them to her self especially if she haue had anie vnderstanding at all of the Spirit of God for if she haue not she may very well remaine in this abuse or errour all the dayes of her life and may perhaps conceiue that she vnderstands those Words as spoken by some other though yet for my part I confesse that I cannot ariue to know how this should be done for either this Soule will vnderstand them or not If she be dismissing her self of that which she vnderstands and would faine vnderstand no part of it for a thousand feares besides manie other reasons which she may haue to continue quiet in her Prayer without such accidents as these how comes she to allow so much time to the Vnderstanding as may serue for the composing of these reasons For in fine there must be time for that But now in this other way we remaine instructed without anie losse of time at all yea and we grow to vnderstand certaine things at an instant when yet otherwise a moneth would haue been time little enough to ordaine them Yea and the Vnderstanding remaines no lesse then amazed at some things which we vnderstand This is the verie truth and whosoeuer
The matter is that when these things are of the Diuel it seemes as if all kind of benediction did hide it self and euen flye from the Soule so vntoward and vnquiet and in so great disorder doth she remaine without anie one good effect at all For though there may be a seeming as if there were a planting of good desires in her yet they are not effectuall or strong The humilitie which he leaues behind him is false vnquiet and without anie suauitie at all and me thinkes this may be easily enough vnderstood by anie Creature who hath experience of what a good Spirit is But yet the Diuel is very able to play manie tricks and therefore there is nothing of this kind so certaine and cleare but that somewhat may still be feared at his hands And so it will euer be well done to proceed with caution and aduice and to haue a Directour who may be learned and to conceale nothing from him and so the Party shall be sure to take no hurt though yet I haue had my part thereof through the excessiue feares to which some of them were subiect In particular it hapned to me once that manie persons meeting togeather in whome I had beleife enough and there was reason that I should haue it and though I proceeded heerin after the manner of entire confidence but with one yet when he commanded me I spoke also with others they treated much about finding remedie for all my inconueniences For they loued me very much and I doubted that I might perhaps be deceiued and I was also subiect to extreame feares whensoeuer I was not in Prayer for when I was and when our Lord vouchsafed to doe me anie Fauour therein I grew presently into good assurance and I thinke they were fiue or six of them and they were all great Seruants of Almightie God But then my Ghostlie Father told me that they all had growne to resolue that it was the Diuel and directed me not to Communicate so often and that I should endeauour to diuert my self in such sort as that I might not be much alone Now I was extreamly timorous in these cases as I haue sayd and the palpitation of my hart helped me on therein so that I had not the courage manie times to be alone in my roome euen by day But when I found what so manie of them affirmed which yet I could by no meanes beleiue I grew to haue an extreame scruple as conceauing that this was a signe of very little humilitie in my self since they all were incomparably of better life then I and besides all this they were learned and in fine why should not I beleiue them I forced my self the best I could to doe it and I thought much of mine owne wicked life and how considering that it might be likely enough to be true which they sayd Vpon this I went into the Church with this affliction and passed on into an Oratorie hauing forborne manie dayes to Communicate and auoided also to be alone which yet had formerly been my totall comfort and all this without hauing one person with whome I might treat for they were all against me Nay some of them me thought made themselues as it were merrie with me whensoeuer I would be telling them what I thought and others would be aduising my Ghostlie Father to take heed of me nay some would goe so farre as to say that it was clearly the Diuel Only my Ghostlie Father though he conformed himself with those others as I grew to vnderstand afterward so farre as to haue me tryed did euer giue me comfort and told me that though it should be the Diuel yet I not offending Almightie God he would be able to doe me no hurt That the difficultie would grow to be remoued That in the meane time I should pray hartily to Almightie God and that he and all those others and manie more also then they would doe the like and all my Prayer and theirs whome I conceiued to be the Seruants of Almightie God aymed at this That his Diuine Maiestie would be pleased to carrie me on by some other way And this kind of making continuall intercession to our Lord might last about a matter of some two yeares As for me I was capable of no comfort when I thought once that it was possible for the Diuel to be so often speaking to me and in me but in regard that now I employed no more howers of my time in Solitude for Prayer our Lord gaue me Recollection euen when I was in conuersation and so as that I was not able to auoyd it and he sayd such things to me as he pleased and I in the meane time was troubled that I was faine to heare him But once being all alone without hauing anie Creature by me vpon whome to ease my self I could neither pray nor reade but was like a person euen all amazed at so great tribulation as I endured and with so much feare to consider whether the Diuel were to haue power to circumuent me in this manner or no. And being all disordered and euen tyred without knowing what to doe with my self for I had seen my self in this affliction and that very often though yet neuer to my thinking in so great extremitie as then I remained foure or fiue howers after this manner For there seemed to be no comfort at all for me either vpon earth or yet from Heauē but our Lord left me so in sufferāce and vnder the feare also of a thousand dangers O my deare Lord and how truly art thou a true friend and how powerfull art thou to doe what thou wilt and dost neuer leaue to loue them who loue thee if they loue thee indeed Let all things praise thee O thou Lord of the whole world and O that I could cry out lowd enough through that whole world to declare how faithfull and true thou art to thy freinds All other things grow to faile vs but thou who art the Lord of them all dost neuer faile and it is little also which thou permittest such as loue thee to suffer for thee O my deare Lord how delicately and how smoothly yea and how sauourily also dost thou know how to treat such Soules O that a Creature whome I know had been so happie as neuer to haue detained her self vpon louing anie other thing then thee It seemes indeed O Lord that sometimes thou tryest such as loue thee with a kind of rigour to the end that by that extremitie of trouble they may afterward come the better to find and feele thereby the great excesse of thy loue O my God! that I had vnderstanding and learning yea and new words so to be able to exaggerate thy workes according to that intelligence which my Soule hath thereof All this is wanting to me O my deare Lord but yet if thou forsake me not I will neuer be wanting to thee Let all the learned men of the world rise-vp against
me Let the Diuells of Hell torment me yea Let all creatures persecute me but only be not thou wanting to me O my deare Lord for I know by good experience with how much aduantage and fruit thou deliuerest all such persons as put their confidence in thee alone For when I was in this great and miserable affliction of Spirit at a time when I had not enioyed anie one Vision at all these only few following words were sufficient to free me from all trouble and to quiet me entirely Feare not O my Daughter for it is I and I vvill not forsake thee Doe not feare It seemes to me that considering what kind of Creature I was then there would haue been need of a long time to perswade me to quiet my self and that no bodie would haue been able to doe it and yet now behold me heer all quieted and composed by these few words and I was endued with strength with courage with securitie which was accompanied with a kind of repose and light in such sort as that at that verie instant I saw my Soule become a direct other thing then it was before and me thinkes I could euen haue disputed against the whole world in proofe that this proceeded from Almightie God O what a good deare God is this O what a good deare Lord is he and how very powerfull for not only doth he giue the counsaile but the remedie also His verie Words are Workes and O how doth he both strengthen our Faith and encrease our Loue It is really very true that I often called to minde how our Lord had commanded the windes to compose and quiet themselues at Sea when a Tempest had been raised And so also did I say Who is this whome all the Powers of my Soule obey and who at an instant brings-in light to chace so great an obscuritie away and makes that hart grow soft and supple which seemed to haue the verie hardnes of stone and knowes how to driue and draw-downe the water of sweet teares where there was so great a drougth so long before Who is he that can inspire these desires Who can imprint such a courage what was I about to doubt and what can I feare What is this I desire to serue this Lord and I pretend no other thing then to please him I renounce all contentment and ease or anie other good at all but only the accomplishing of his Will For of this I was very sure in my opinion and that I might safely affirme it that since this Lord is so powerfull as I see he is and as I know he is and that all the Diuels of Hell are his Slaues and of this there can be no doubt since it is matter of Faith and I being the Seruant of this Lord and King what hurt can they all be able to doe me and why may not I haue strength enough to fight with all the Powers of Hell I then tooke a Crosse into my hand and really I thought God gaue me courage to conceiue that I should be shortly another kinde of woeman and that I was not to be afrayd to wrestle a Fall with the Diuels but conceiued that togeather with that Crosse I should be easily able to ouercome them all yea and once I prouoked them thus Come towards me as manie of you as dare for I being the Seruant of our Lord will see what you all can doe against me And it is most certaine that I thought they were afrayd of me and for my part I remained so in quiet and so totally without feare of them all that all the feares which I had formerly conceiued till that verie present time were remoued from me For though I saw them sometimes as I shall declare afterward yet I neuer feared them more but conceiued that they were rather affrayd of me I possessed a dominion ouer them which had been giuen me by the Lord of all Creatures and I make no more reckoning of them then of so manie Flyes and they seem to be of so cowardlie a nature that when once they come to find that they are not esteemed they haue no power at all For this kind of enemie knowes not how to set vpon anie one who renders not himself vp to them or els when Almightie God permitts for the greater good of his Seruants that they may tempt and torment them I would to God it might please his Diuine Maiestie that we would feare whome indeed we ought to feare and that we might perfectly vnderstand that we shall receiue more preiudice by committing anie one single Veniall sinne then by all the power of Hell put togeather for this is a most certaine truth How extreamly doe these Diuels carrie vs frighted vp and downe because our selues indeed will needs giue occasion thereof by our being so close fastned as we are to our Honours to our Estates and to our Delights For then we being ioyned togeather with these impediments by louing and desiring to possesse them who are our contraries whome we ought to abhorre they grow able to doe vs much hurt For we enable them to fight against our verie selues with our owne weapons which we put into their hands though indeed we were to defend our selues thereby against them And this is both pitty and shame But now if on the other side we shall resolue to abhorre all those things for the loue of our Lord and embrace his Crosse and pitch vpon doing him seruice in good earnest he flyes as fast away from these solid truths as a man would doe from the Plague In fine he is a freind of Lyes yea and a verie Lye himself He is easily kept from medling much with such persons as walke entirely according to Truth but when once he can discouer that a mans Vnderstanding growes to be obscured he hath a particular grace in procuring to breake the verie strings of his eyes and if he see one already proue so blind as that he will needs build his rest and ease vpon vaine things and so vaine as that being things of this world they are no better then toyes fitt for children he findes already that such a person is a verie Child and so he treates him like such an one and wrestles with him more or lesse as he sees cause I beseech our Blessed Lord that I may neuer proue to be one of these but that his Diuine Maiestie may be pleased to doe me so much Fauour as that I may vnderstand that to be ease and rest which is indeed true ease and rest and that to be honour which is true Honour delight which is true delight and not the direct contrarie to all this and then a figg for all the Diuels in Hell for then they shall be all of them afrayd of me For my part I vnderstād not those feares of the Diuel and the Diuel and I know not what when we may be able to say God and God c.
this end some little poore good workes which I did if I did anie I became deuoted to some Saints to the end that by their meanes I might be deliuered from the Diuel I performed the Deuotions of Nine Dayes I recōmended my self to S Hilarion and to S. Michael also the Archangell for I had lately applyed my self to him for this purpose and I importuned also mame other Saints that our Lord might be pleased by their intercession to conduct me in the way of Truth I say that they would find some meanes to perfect this busines of mine with his Diuine Maiestie In fine after the end of two yeares which both I and other persons had wholy employed with all their prayers and mine in order to this end that our Lord might be pleased either to conduct my Soule by some other way or els vouchsafe to declare that this way wherein I went was right for now those VVords and Speeches which I haue related that our Lord would be vttering to me sometimes were growne very ordinarie euen continuall that chanced and occurred to me which I will now declare As I was in Prayer one day and it was vpon the Festiuitie of the Glorious S. Peter I saw standing very neer me or rather to say better mee thought I felt for indeed I saw nothing at all with the eyes either of my Bodie or of my Minde that Christ our Lord was close by me and I found in fine that it was he in my opinion who was speaking to me But now I who was extreamly ignorant till then that there might be anie such thing in the world as such a Vision fell at the first into a mightie feare and I could doe nothing but weepe though yet through his giuing me assurance by his speaking but one onlie word I found my self as I had formerly been not only without feare and very quiet but euen with Regalo and delight Me thought that Christ Iesus our Lord went euer close to me on one side but the Vision not being Imaginarie or represented in any Forme I perceiued not in what shape he was But as for his being euer on my right side I found and felt that very clearly and that he was the witnes of whatsoeuer I did and that I could not be recollected though it were neuer so little or rather indeed vnlesse I were much diuerted or distracted but I must needs in fine vnderstand that he was very neer me I then went immediatly to my Ghostlie Father being sufficiently vexed and greiued that I must let him know it He asked me what Forme or Figure he had when I saw him and I told him that I had not seen him Vpon this he enquired then how I knew that it was Christ our Lord. To this I answered that I knew no more but that I could not possibly faile or forbeare to vnderstand and know that he was close to me and that I found and felt it plainly and that now the recollection of my Soule in Prayer of Quiet was farre greater and more continuall that the effects were very different from those others which I had formerly found and that the thing was very certaine and cleare For my part I could doe no more but bring diuerse Comparisons whereby to giue my self to be vnderstood but yet certainly in my opinion there is none which can suite very well to expresse this kind of Vision For as this is one of the highest kind as I was told afterwards by a certaine holie man and of great Spirit called Fray Pedro de Alcantara whome I shall mention afterward more at large and the same hath been also told me by other great learned men and that this is one of those Fauours where the Diuel can least intermeddle or intrude himself of all others so haue we heer no words or tearmes at all wherewith to declare it at least we who know so little though such as are learned will peraduēture be able to doe it better For when I say that I neither saw this with the eyes of the Bodie nor of the Minde because it was no Imaginarie Vision how come I to vnderstand and how can I vndertake and affirme more clearly certainly that Christ our Lord was standing neer me then if I had seen him with my verie eyes For it seemes indeed to be as if a person were in the darke who sees not another that stands by him or as if the same person were blind Some resemblance I say this carries though yet not very much For in this last case a man may come to know it by the way of seuerall Senses because he may heare the other speake or stirre or he may touch him But heer there is nothing of all this nor is there heer anie darknes at all but only the thing is represented to the Soule by a certaine notice which is more cleare then the Sunne I say not that anie Sunne is seen nor anie clearnes or brightnes at all but only a certaine light which illuminates and informes the Vnderstanding though yet without seing anie light to the end that the Soule may enioy so high a good Now this brings great benefits with it Yet is it not like such a Presence of God as manie times is felt in the Minde and especially by such persons as be ariued to Vnion and Quiet Prayer who in resoluing to beginne to make that Prayer seem to find the person readie at hand to whome to speake and we seem to vnderstand that he heares vs by the effects and spirituall feelings which we find of great Loue and Faith and other firme purposes and resolutions accompanied with much tendernes of Denotions This is a great Fauour of Almightie God and let him esteem it much who hath it for it is a very eleuated and high Prayer but yet it is no Vision but heer it is vnderstood that Almightie God is there by the effects which as I haue sayd he workes in the Soule for in this manner of Prayer doth his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to giue hemself then and there to be felt But now heer it is clearly found that Christ Iesus the Sonne of the Virgin is present In that other manner of Prayer there are certaine influences of the Diuinitie represented but heer togeather with them we find that the most Sacred Humanitie also of Christ our Lord doth accompanie vs to doe vs fauour My Ghostlie Father then asked me this question VVho told you that it vvas Iesus Christ Himself told me so answered I and that manie times but yet euen before he told me so it was im printed vpon my Vnderstanding that it was he yea and euen before this he told me so and yet still I saw him not If anie man whome I had neuer seen but only had heard newes of him should come to speake with me I being either blind or in the darke and should tell me who he were I should beleiue him and yet I could not so
resolutly affirme him to be that person as if I had seen him But yet now in this other case I could for heer there is imprinted so cleare a notice of him in the Minde without seeing him that it seemes a kind of impossibilitie to doubt it for our Lord will haue it so engrauen vpon the Vnderstanding that it can no more be questioned then euen that which we see no nor yet so much for in things which we see there remaines sometimes a suspicion whether we might not haue fancied such a thing and so mistaken it But heer though vpon the suddaine and as it were by way of surprise one may beginne to fall vpon a kind of suspicion or doubt yet still vpon the whole matter we remaine in so great a certaintie as that the doubt continues not to haue place And so also doth it fall out though yet in a different manner that God instructs the Soule speakes to it but yet without speaking at all in such sort as I haue already declared This is a certaine kind of language which hath so much of the Celestiall in it that it cannot well be giuen to be vnderstood by vs heer how much soeuer we may desire it vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to teach it by experience For our Blessed Lord conueyes and places that in the most interiour part of the Soule which he is pleased that the same Soule shall vnderstand and know and there doth he represent it without either anie image of his person or anie forme of words but only after the way of that kind of Vision which I haue already touched And now let this manner of Almightie God's making the Soule vnderstād what he will in the way of great Truths and mysteries be much obserued For manie times that which I vnderstand when our Lord declares anie Vision which his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to represent to me is after this manner and me thinkes it is in such occasions as where the Diuel is least able to intermeddle or intrude himself for these reasons and if they be not found I am likelie enough to be deceiued Now this kind of Vision and language is so inwardly a thing of Spirit that heer there is no kind of springing or euen stirring in anie of the Powers of the Minde nor yet in anie of the Senses of the Bodie in my opinion by which meanes the Diuel may be able to make himself the gainer Thus I say it happens sometimes as namely when it lasts but a very little while For at some other times me thinkes that neither the Powers of the Minde are suspended nor yet the Senses of the Bodie disabled but that they are all at home and in vse The other happens not alwayes in this degree of Contemplation but rather very seldome I say that when they are so lost we neither operate anie thing nor doe anie thing but all seemes to be the worke of our Lord. It is as when a food is already conueyd into the stomack without either our hauing eaten it or so much as knowing who layd it there but only we vnderstand well that there it is though in that case it be neither knowne what the food is nor who carried it thither But heer it is very differet for here the food is knowne though yet how it got thither I cannot tell for neither did I see it nor vnderstand it nor was I euer moued to desire it nor had it euer come to my knowledge before that such a thing could possibly be In the Speech vpon which I touched before Almightie God makes the Vnderstanding obserue and reflect vpon that which is sayd whether it desire to vnderstand or no. For there it seemes that the Soule hath some other kind of eates wherewith to heare that he makes her harken and not the while to thinke of somewhat els as if one who could heare well were not suffered to stopp his eares and that they cryed out alowd to him who would therefore be faine to heare them whether he would or no but somewhat in fine he doth since he is attentiue to vnderstand what they say But heer the Soule doth inst nothing for euen that little which was done in the former way and which was only to harken is taken from her now for now she findes all dressed to her hand yea and all eaten by her too So that now there is nothing to be done by her but to enioy Iust so as anie one who without euer hauing learnt or so much as endeauoured to read and much more without anie studying at all should find that whole Science already possessed by himself and that without knowing at all either how or whence it came since he had neuer procured to acquire it with so much as learning his A. B. C. And this last Comparison me thinkes declares some part of this Celestiall guift for the Soule findes her self heer to be growne wise vpon a suddaine and that the Mysterie of the most Holie Trinitie and other most sublime Articles are so exactly declared to her that there is not anie Theologue or Diuine in the world with whome she might not aduenture to dispute concerning the truth of those high points The Soule remaines heer in such an amazement that some one such Fauour as this suffices to worke a totall change in her and to make her loue nothing but only him who without anie labour at all of hers hath made her capable of so vnspeakable blessings and to whome he communicates his secrets and whome he treats with arguments of so great and deare friendship and loue that they endure not so much as to be written For he doth some such kinds of Fauour as might euen bespeake a kind of suspicion and doubt in the hearer in regard that they are of so great admiration and haue been imparted to a person who hath deserued them so very ill And in fine if we bring not a very Liuelie and euen lusty Faith with vs they cannot be beleiued and therefore I resolue to speake of few of those which our Lord hath been pleased to vouchsafe me vnlesse I be expresly commanded and vnlesse it be of some few Visions which perhaps may ferue to doe good in some kind To the end that anie such persons as to whome our Lord may be pleased to impart the like may not wonder and thinke it impossible as I did or els that so I may declare the manner and way by which it hath pleased our Lord to conduct my Soule that being the verie thing which they haue commanded me to write Returning therefore now to this manner of vnderstanding these kinds of things me thinkes our Lord is pleased that by all meanes this Soule of ours should haue some notice heer euen of that which passes in Heauen and that as Soules doe there vnderstand one another really without speaking which for my part I neuer knew before and this is most certainly true till our
an vnsupportable thing in my opinion and indeed it is a kind of picture in little or rather a patterne of Hell And this is most certainly so as our Lord himself was pleased to giue me to vnderstand once in a certaine Vision For heer the Soule doth euen burne her self vp of her self without her knowing either by whome or by what way she is set on fire or yet how to escape from thence or finally how to quench it for as for seeking to help her self by reading she will be able to profit by it no more then if she could not read at all It hapned to me one day to reade the Life of a Saint so to see if I could swallow the iuyce and substance thereof and thus to comfort my self with the consideration of what he had suffered and so I read half a dozen lines of it foure or fiue times ouer and yet though all were written in mine owne Mother-Toung I vnderstood them lesse in the end then I did in the beginning and so I gaue it ouer This hapned to me manie times but I more particularly remember this one To apply ones-self to conuersation in such times as these is yet worse for the Diuel fills vs then with such an vntoward and harsh kind of spirit of anger that it seemes to me that I could euen eate folkes vp since I can doe nothing els yea and me thinkes I acquitt my self well in that I forbeare to doe it and that God also shewes him who is in this case a particular Fauour in preseruing him from doing or saying somewhat against his Neighbour whereby he might preiudice him and offend Almightie God And now as for going to my Ghostlie Father at such times it is certaine which I shall heer relate and it hath hapned to me very often That notwithstanding they were some great Saints with whome I haue dealt and yet deale they vttered such harsh words and chidd me after so sharpe a manner that when afterward I would take occasion to repeate them in their owne hearing themselues would be euen amazed at themselues and they told me it was no longer in their power to doe otherwise For though they fully resolued within themselues not to doe it and at other times that they had not only compassion of me but euen a kind of scruple also in themselues to treat me thus when I was so full of affliction both in Bodie and Minde and though they had euen resolued to comfort me with much compassion and pittie yet in fine they were not able to doe it Not yet that they gaue me ill language in such sort as to offend Almightie God by it but they would vse words as full of disgust as could possibly be heard from Ghostlie Fathers But belike they intended to mortifye me which though at other times I could passe ouer or at least endure yet then it grew all to be a torment But yet sometimes I came also to be of opinion that euen I had deceaued them yea and my self would goe to them and aduise them in very great good earnest that they should take heed of me least I deceaued them Not but that I knew well enough that I would not doe it on set purpose and vpon designe nor tell them by anie meanes anie lye but the truth is I was affrayd of all things There was one who hearing of this temptation of mine aduised me not to be troubled at it for though I should haue a minde to cosen him yet he had witt enough to defend himself from me That which sometimes gaue me great comfort and as it were constantly or at least most ordinarily was that I vsed to haue some kind of respit after I had Communicated yea and sometimes euen in approaching to the Blessed Sacrament at the verie instant I should grow so very perfectly well both in Bodie and Soule that it did euen amaze me For it seemed to be no other thing then that all the darknesses of my Soule were dispersed and discharged at an instant and that vpon the approach of the Sunne I quickly came to discerne those fooleries wherein I had found my self all that while At other times by the hearing of some one word which our Lord was pleased to say to me and with only expressing himself thus Be not afflicted and be not afrayd as formerly I haue related I remained most perfectly well and sometimes by seeing some Vision I became as if I had neuer felt anie inconuenience And in those cases I would be entertaining and regaling my self with Almightie God and would euen kindly complaine to him against himself for permitting me to suffer so great torments though yet I must confesse that he had first meant to make me very good amends because these difficulties did neuer vse to ariue but after a great abundance of Fauours And me thinkes he ordaines things so to the end that the Soule may appeare like gold which comes refined and pure out of the Crusible and that so she may see our Lord in her self and then doe those troubles which ariue grow to be accounted little though they seem insupportable at the time And we desire that we may returne againe to suffer if our Lord may be serued the better by it yea and to admit also of more tribulations and persecutions Prouided alwayes that they may happen without offence of our Lord. Nay we rather will reioyce in suffering for him for all will in the end bring more profit though yet for my part I could neuer beare them as I ought but rather with abundance of imperfection At other times these troubles would come vpon me in other kindes and so as that me thinkes it is absolutly a kind of impossible thing for me to thinke then of anie thing which is good yea or so much as to desire to doe anie such thing for that I haue both a Bodie and a Soule which is absolutly vntoward and good for nothing But at those times I am not subiect to those other temptations and disquiets but only to a disgust in all things though I know not why so that nothing can giue contentment to my Soule And then I would be sometimes procuring to diuert and employ my self vpon the performing of some good workes in the exteriour way and I would doe so euen half whether my self would or no. But in fine I am come at length to know by such meanes as these how very little anie Soule is worth whensoeuer the grace of Almightie God is hidden from her And this kind of consideration vsed not to put me to anie trouble at all for the beholding mine owne basenes after this manner was wont to giue me a kind of satisfaction At other times I find my self so as that I am vtterly vnable to frame anie distinct or formed conceipt of Almightie God nor indeed of anie good thing after a stayd manner Nor am I able then to put my self in Prayer though I
be neuer so much alone though yet I feele still that I know there is a God and I find also that it is my Imagination and my Vnderstanding which doe me so much hurt in these occasions and cafes for as for my Will me thinkes it stands right in me and that it is disposed to all goodnes But this Vnderstanding of mine is so entirely lost that it seemes to be no other thing then some furious and madd kind of Foole whome no bodie is able to bind nor am I so farre Mistresse thereof as that I can make it quiet for one Credo Sometimes I fall on laughing and yet then doe I know my miserie and stand looking vpon my Soule and permit her to doe what she will and yet our Lord be thanked she neuer by anie meanes applyes her self to anie thing which is ill but only about things which are indifferent if there be anie thing which may occurr to be done either heer or there or anie where els But thus I come to know better the incomparable mercie which our Lord is pleased to shew me vpon his tying-vp this madd foole when we are in perfect contemplation And heer I consider what would become of me if such persons as hold me now for good could discerne me to haue these idlenesses and impertinencies which I haue described heer But now I haue very great compassion of a Soule to find her in so ill companie as this I would faine see her rather in libertie and I expresse my self in this manner to our Blessed Lord When O my God shall I ariue to see my Soule all conioyned and vnited togeather in celebrating thy praise that so all the Powers thereof may admire thee Permit not heerafrer O Lord that she wander vp and downe by peices for now it seemes no otherwise then as if euerie one of the same Powers were running vp and downe in a seuerall way These things passe thus very often and I vnderstand also very well that sometimes the little corporall health I haue contributes much to these inconueniences I also reflect much by these occasions vpon the hurt which the Sinne of our First Parent hath done vs for me thinkes it is growne from thence that we are incapable to enioy so great a good and mine owne sinnes are a great part of the cause for certainly if I had not committed so manie I should haue remained more entire and free towards the doing of good I was subiect also by times to another very great inconuenience for conceauing that I vnderstood all the Bookes that treat of Prayer which I came to read and that already our Blessed Lord had done me some such kind of fauour as that I needed them not for this reason I did not read them but applyed my self to read the Liues of Saints And finding my self also very short in that wherein they had so heroically serued Almightie God this seemed to doe me good and giue me strength but yet me thought this was a signe of little humilitie for me to thinke that I was already ariued to hold that degree of Prayer And not being able to quiet my self otherwise I continued much in paine till certaine learned men and particularly that blessed Creature Fray pedro de Alcantara declared to me that I was not to be troubled at that I am not ignorant that in the seruing of Almightie God I haue not yet so much as begunne though yet the way which his Diuine Maiestie hath held in doing me Fauours is the same which he hath vsed towards such as are good whereas for my part I am no more then a direct downe-right meer imperfection vnlesse it be in my desires to loue him for in this indeed I see well that our Lord hath done me Fauour that so I may performe some little thing for him I confesse me thinkes I loue him but my actions and the manie imperfections which I discerne therein giue me great discomfort At other times my Soule falls into a kind of Foolerie for so it is when me thinkes I doe neither good nor ill but follow on after the walke of others folkes and this neither with paine nor glorie nor with thought of life or death nor gust nor trouble yea me thinkes she feeles nothing at all but rather seemes to me to walke on like some little Asse who seeds and sustaines himself because they giue him somewhat to eate and he eates almost without thinking what he is doing For the Soule when she is in this state is not likely to be without feeding vpon some great Fauours of Almightie God since she is not troubled with liuing in so miserable a life as this but passes through it with patience and equalitie of minde but yet these motions and effects are not found by her in such sort as that the Soule is made to vnderstand her self by them It seemes now also to me to be as when men saile at Sea by the breath of a sweet and gentle Winde for then we ridd much way though we scarce know how Whereas in those other conditions the effects are so very great that the Soule doth almost instantly discerne her owne improuement for instantly doe her desires boile vp and the Soule can neuer satisfye her self but they to whome Almightie God imparts such impetuosities of Loue doe find such operations as these This is like certaine little Springs which I haue obserued to rise and where the Sand neuer ceases to moue vpwards And this example and comparison of Soules which be ariued to this state seemes very naturall to me For Loue will be euer boyling vpward and considering and deuising about what it may be able to doe and can by no meanes be contained in it self as it seemes the water whereof I spake is not able to continue in the earth which still is casting it vp from thence And iust so is it very vsuall for the Soule not to be at quiet or in contentment with her self through the loue she beares to Almightie God but she is so bathed and soaked and filled with it that she wishes that others would drinke too since for her part she cannot want that so they might assist her to sing the praises of Almightie God O how often doe I call to minde that liuing Water whereof our Lord spake to the Samaritan as indeed I am very much deuoted to that Ghospell And really it is most true that I was so euen from my childhood though I did not then vnderstand this benefit as now I doe but I often besought our Lord to bestow of this Water vpon me and alwaies I had the Image or Figure of it at hand with this Motto or Word of hers when he was so neer the Well Domine da mihi hanc aquam O Lord bestovv this vvater vpon me It seemes also to me that as a Fire which is very great needs matter vpon which to worke to the end that it may not be extinguished So also for
in it as I am not well able to expresse for it is an interiour delight which comforts my whole Soule and this is no meer imagination or fancie nor a thing which hath hapned to me only once but very often and when I obserue it with most attention me thinkes it is as if a bodie who were much troubled with heat and thirst should drinke a draught of very cold water which should refresh him euen to his harts desire And heervpon I also consider that all those things which be ordained by the Church are of great importance and moment and it is matter euen of much Regalo to me that those words which the Church vses and sayes should haue the power to make Holie-water become of so very different a condition from such other as is not hallowed by the Church But in the meane time when my torment would not cease I told them so who were present that so they might not laugh at me and calling for Holie-water they brought me some and sprinkled me with it but it did me no good Vpon that I sprinkled some towards the place where the ill Spirit was and then he went instantly away and I grew as instantly well as if they had stroaked my hurt off from me with their hands saue that I found my self as wearie as if I had been cudgelled extreamly But now it did me a very great deale of good to find that when our Lord giues the Diuel leaue he is able to doe such a deale of mischief to a Creature both in Bodie and Soule euen when they are not his or absolutly in his power for then what would he be able to doe when they should be wholy left to his disposing This gaue me also a very great desire to free my self from so ill Companie as that of the Diuel is At another time and that was lately the self-same thing hapned to me though yet it lasted not long but I was then alone and then I also called for Holie-Water and two Religious Woemen who were very well worth the beleiuing and would by no meanes be induced to tell an vntruth came-in thither after the Diuel was departed from thence and declared that they felt a filthie stinke as of brimstone For my part I smelt it not but they say it continued so long that others might also perceiue it Another time I was in the Quire and I came into a very great depth of Recollection and I went away from thence for feare least somewhat might be obserued But the Religious in the Quire who were neer the place where I was heard a noyse of very great blowes which were giuen and for my part I also heard those Spirits talke togeather close to me as if they had been agreeing about some busines of theirs though I knew not what in particular it was for I found my selfe in such depth of Prayer that I vnderstood them not in expresse manner neither yet had I anie feare of them at all But these things did ordinarily not ariue but when some Soule or other did receiue benefit vpon my perswasion and aduise And it is certaine that a thing hapned to me once which I shall now relate and there are manie witnesses of it in particular my Ghostlie Father to whome I Confesse my self now for he saw it in a certaine Letter without my telling him who it was that wrote it though yet he chanced to know it otherwise But the thing was this There came once a certaine person to me who had been in Mortall Sinne about some two yeares and a balf and he had committed one which was of the most abominable that euer I had heard of in my whole life and during all that time he neither Confessed nor reformed himself and yet he sayd Masse all the while And though he then Confessed his other Sinnes yet concerning that one he was wont to aske himself how it could be possible that euer he should Confesse so fowle a thing and yet he had a desire to free himself from it but knew not in fine how to effect it For my part I had great compassion of the man and much greif to see Almightie God so offended and I promised him to beseech our Lord to giue him remedie and that I would also entreat diuerse others who were much more likelie to preuaile then my self to become suiters to his Diuine Maiestie for him and accordingly I wrote to a certaine person about it this man letting me know that he could conuey my letter And it is certaine that heervpon he instantly Confessed his Sinnes and Almightie God was pleased at the instance of those many other holie persons to whome the busines had been recommended to extend his mercie to this Soule and my self also as miserable as I am did not faile to sollicit it the best I could But the man wrote a Letter to me declaring that he was reformed so farre already as that some good time had incurred wherein he had returned no more to that Sinne but yet that the torment was so great by the temptation which sollicited him that way that he accounted himself to be almost as it were in a kind of Hell so extreamly was he put to suffer by it and therefore that I must help him still with Almightie God Vpon this I recommended him againe to my Sisters the Religious of our Monasterie by meanes of whose prayers it seemes our Lord was pleased to doe me this Fauour for they tooke the matter very much to hart This man was a person of whome no one could guesse who it was and I humbly besought the Diuine Maiestie to appease those torments and temptations to which he was subiect and that those Diuels might be suffered to torment me in his place prouided alwayes that I might not offend our Blessed Lord in anie thing by it And it is very certainly true that shortly after this I endured most greiuous torments for the space of a moneth And these two particulars which I haue now related did happen then But our Lord in the meane time was pleased that they should leaue to afflict that person anie more for so men sent me word because I had already signifyed to them what had occurred to me during that moneth And as for him his Soule got strength daily and he grew to be absolutly free nor could he satisfye himself with giuing thankes not only to our Blessed Lord but euen also to me as if I had done somewhat therein But the truth is that the opinion which he had that our Lord did sometimes shew me Fauours was of benefit to him for he sayd that whensoeuer he found himself to be much assaulted and pressed he vsed to read my Letters and that presently therevpon he should find himself ridd of the temptation He grew to be much amazed to vnderstand of what I had suffered and how also himself came to be free yea and euen I came also to wonder at it
and I would also be very glad to see him and to thinke of him and to consider the good parts which I found in him and this was so preiudiciall a thing that it did my Soule a great deale of hurt But when once I was come to behold the great Beautie of our Blessed Lord I saw no Creature after that which might seeme passable in comparison of him nor who was able to take-vp my thought for one minute For by casting the eye of my consideration vpon that Image or Picture of him which is engrauen in my Soule I haue remained with so much Libertie of Minde in this respect that euerie thing which I haue seen since that time makes me readie almost to cast the gorge in comparison of the excellencies and ayre and grace which I discerned to abound in this Lord of mine Nor is there anie knowledge or comfort which I can at all esteem in comparison of that which growes by the hearing of one single word which proceeds out of that Diuine mouth of his and much more when I haue heard so manie and so often from him Nay I hold it to be a kind of impossible thing vnlesse our Lord should permit it in respect of my Sinnes that euer I can loose the memorie of this blessing or that anie Creature can euer so possesse me as that I shall not instantly be free by recouering the remembrance of this Lord. It hapned to me sometimes with some Ghostlie Fathers of mine for I alwaies loue them much who gouerne my Soule in regard that I take them truly as in the place of Almightie God himself and me thinkes it is euer there where I employ my affection most that esteeming my self to be in securitie with them I would be apt to shew them extraordinary ciuilityes whereas they on the other side as being great Seruants of Almightie God would be not only carefull but fearefull least I should fasten or tye my self too much to them though it should be in a most innocent manner and they would shew themselues euen to be displeased at it Now this grew in me after I had made my self subiect to be be directed and euen commanded by them for before I did not beare them so much loue But the while I confesse I would be laughing sometimes within my self to consider how extreamly they were deceaued though yet I would not alwaies be telling them so clearly how little I vsed to tye myself to anie Creature as I was sure of it in myself But yet I gaue them certaintie enough of it and when once they were growne to be more inward and more confident with me they came to know how particularly I was obliged to our Blessed Lord in that kind But these suspitions which they had of me were neuer wont to occurr but in the beginnings Besides there grew to be both more loue and more confidence between this Lord of mine and me after I had seen him as one with whome I was come to haue a kind of continuall conuersation I saw that though he were God he was also Man and that he did not wonder at our weaknes for he well knowes our miserable condition and composition which is subiect to take Falls of so manie kindes by that first Sinne of Adam which he was come to repaire Nay I see that although he be my Lord I may yet treat with him as with a Freind because he is not such a kind of Lord as we are wont to meet with in this world who pinne all the Lordlynesses which they haue vpon a certaine kind of changeable and remoueable demonstrations and who must giue but particular and set dayes for Audience and so the persons whome they will heare must be appointed and named And if perhaps anie poore Creature haue a busines there must be vse of labour and fauour and a walking in By-Wayes before it can be euer negotiated or concluded And if perhaps they haue anie thing to doe with the King himself alas poore folkes for they who touch not vpon the Caualier or great man must not so much as presume to approach but be content to aske who the Fauorites are And now they will certainly not fall out to be such as vse to tread the world vnder their feet because such persons as these are wont to speake reall truths for they neither feare anie thing nor owe anie thing nor in fine are anie part of the Pallace For there these things are not vsed but to dissemble whatsoeuer they dislike nay they scarce dare so much as thinke for feare least they should grow by it into lesse fauour O King of Glorie and Lord of all the Kings of this world how true is it that thy Kingdome is not guarded by Sticks and strawes since in it self it hath no end How true is it that there is no need of third persons to introduce vs to Audience with thee For by our verie seing thy selfe we instantly see withall that thou only dost indeed deserue to be called Lord So great is the Maiestie which thou shewest Nor is there heer anie need at all of Assembles and Guards in Court whereby thou maist be knowne to be King Whereas if anie Earthlie King were left alone he would hardly be knowne to be King and how much soeuer himself might desire it yet the people would haue difficultie to beleiue it For in himself he is no more then others are and therefore we must either see him so adorned and attended first or els we shall hardly belieiue afterward that he is the King And he hath therefore so much more reason to serue himself of these externall aduantages and helps for els they would not hold him in account because his seeming to be so powerfull depends not vpon the inward and innate dignitie of his Person but his State is deriued to him from others But O thou my Lord and my King that I were able now to represent that Maiestie which thou hast For it is impossible to forbeare to see that thou art the great Emperour of the whole world in thy self and that thy Maistie doth euen astonish the beholders But yet it puts me to more amazement O my Lord to see in companie thereof the great humilitie and loue which thou bearest to such a wretched Creature as my self For we may euer speake and treat with thee about all things euen as we will our selues when once we shall haue lost that first amazement and feare to see the Maiestie of thy Presence though yet then we shall haue more feare to offend thee then to see thee yea and yet euen that not so much for being O Lord afrayd of thy punishment for we doe not esteem that at all as in respect of the miserie which it is to loose thy verie self Behold heer the benefits of this Vision besides manie other great ones which it leaues in the Soule And if it be of Almightie God it makes it self be vnderstood by
this Light nor yet of anie other thing at all which our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand and that with such a soueraigne kind of delight as cannot possibly be declared For all our Senses enioy such a superiour degree of sweetnes that it can no way be fully expressed and therefore I thinke it will be best to say no more I had once been aboue an hower in this condition when our Lord shewed me admirable things and seeming not to depart from being neer me he spake these verie words to me See heer my Daughter vvhat they loose vvho are against me doe not thou forbeare to let them knovv it But O my deare Lord what good will my saying it doe to them whome their owne actions blind so deeply if thy Diuine Maiestie doe not giue them light Some there be to whome thou hast giuen it and they haue profited much by knowing those greatnesses of thine but yet O my Lord they see in such sort withall that they are shewed to such a wretched and miserable thing as my self that I cannot but esteem it a strange thing to find that anie Creature should beleiue me Blessed be thy name and thy mercie for at least I haue plainly seen an euident amendment in mine owne Soule and I would be glad if I might still remaine there and not come back to liue heer anie more For the contempt wherein I held this whole world was very great and it seemed to be no better then euen dung to me and now I find how basely we be employed who are detained therein Whilst I remained with that Ladie of whome I spoke before it hapned to me once when I was ill and euen sick at the hart for I haue formerly been subiect to this miserie though nothing so much of late she considering me with much charitie and compassion commanded that one day certaine Iewells of hers should be brought forth which she had of very great value and one in particular of Diamonds which was prized at a verie high rate Now she conceaued belike that this would recreate and reviue me but I smiled inwardly at her the while and had compassion to see how meane things men esteem when I considered what our Lord hath layd-vp for vs And I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put anie manner of value vpon such toyes as those euen though I should endeauour it vnlesse our Lord should first depriue me of the memorie of those other treasures But now this kind of Fauour giues so great a dominion to the Soule that I know not whether it can possibly be vnderstood but only by such persons as possesse it For it is the proper true and naturall discharge and vntying of the Soule from all things created and this growes absolutly without anie labour of our owne and Almightie God doth it all and then his Diuine Maiestie shewes these Truths and that so as to make them remaine imprinted and engrauen in the Soule and they serue also to make vs see clearly that it was not possible for vs to acquire them especially in so short a time by anie diligences of our owne Vpon this I also came to haue very little feare of death which formerly had been great in me but now it is growne to seem to be a thing of very much facilitie and ease for such as apply themselues to the Seruice of Almightie God For by death the Soule flyes out of prison in one moment and is not only put presently into libertie but enioyes an euerlasting rest and glory Now this way which is held by Almightie God in carrying the Spirit vp to shew her so excellent things in these Rapts seemes to beare a very close kind of conformitie with the passage of a Soule out of a Bodie at the hower of death since it growes euen at one instant to be so entirely inpossession of this Eternall Good But heer I lay aside the consideration of those sorrowes and paines which are felt when the Soule is torne out of the Bodie for we are to make little account of that and they also who loue God in good earnest and haue shaken hands with all the contentments of this life are certainly wont to dye with more sweetnes It also seemes to me that these Fauours did me very much good towards the bringing me into a knowledge of our true Countrie and to see that we were meer Pilgrims heer and it is a pretious kind of thing to find what passes there aboue and to vnderstand where in fine we are to liue for euer And whensoeuer one goes to settle and stay for good and all in anie Countrie it giues a great assistance towards the enduring all the incommodities of the iourney when we know that the end of it is to be such as that we may in fine be in great repose and happines when we get thither It is also heer obtained that with case we may grow able to consider Heauenlie things that so our conuersation may be there And this is a great kind of gaine since the onlie thinking of Heauen recollects the Soule in regard that our Lord being pleased to shew vs somewhat which passes there we are induced to pawse and thinke vpon it And sometimes it so falls out that they whome I know to liue there are the Soules who accompanie me and in whome I receaue most comfort and these indeed are they who seem to be truely aliue and those others on the other side who liue heer seem to be so very deadly dead as that this whole world put togeather cannot amount to be anie companie at all for me And especially when I find anie of these impulses or impetuosities in my self the whole world seemes to be but a verie Dreame and all the obiects of these corporeall eyes of mine a meer ieast and toy but that which already I haue seen with the eyes of my Soule that I say is the thing which she desires and because she finds her self to be yet farre off from thence this is that which is no lesse then euen death it self to my Soule In fine the Fauour is excessiuely great which our Lord vouchsafes to that Soule to whome he giues such Visions as these for they helpe her much in all things and particularly to the carrying of a certaine heauie Crosse which lyes vpon her For nothing can satisfye her now but euerie thing disgusts and checks her And if our Blessed Lord did not giue way that we might forget it sometimes though yet we remember it againe afterward I know not how we should be able to liue Let him be Blessed and praised for all Eternitie and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen by that very pretious Bloud which his owne Sonne shed for me that since he hath vouchsafed that I should vnderstand somewhat of these benefits and blessings and that I should beginne to enioy them also in some kind euen in this life it
not ouershadow and euen hide thy greatnes who would euer presume to approach so often as we doe towards the ioyning of such wretched and filthie things as we are to so high a Maiestie as thine But Blessed be thou for euer my deare Lord and let the Angells vea and all Creatures praise and glorifye thy holie name who dost so measure and weigh things out togeather with our great weaknes as that we may be able to enioy those Soueraigne Fauours of thine without being frighted by thy infinit power though yet we be so miserable and vnworthie Creatures Me thinkes it might happen to vs heer as once it did to another and this I know to be true A certaine Labouring-man found a treasure and the same falling out to be greater then could get roome in his straight and narrow-hart he comeing to haue this treasure in his power grew withall to haue such a melancholie in his minde that he came by little and little to dye by the verie care and affliction of his thoughts for not knowing what he were best to doe with his treasure Whereas if he had not found it all togeather but that some one had giuen it him by little and little accommodating him and sustaining him by degrees the poore man would haue liued contented and it would neuer haue cost him his life O thou who art the riches of the poore and how admirably dost thou know how to sustaine Soules and how carefull art thou to shew them treasures by little and little and that they may not see too much at once when I see so great a Maiestie as thine dissembled as it were and disguised in so small a thing as the Sacred Hoast It is true that in these latter times and since I haue been partaker of these Visions I am euen in admiration at so great a wisdome nor doe I know how our Lord giues me strength and courage to approach it But if he who hath done me and doth me still so great Fauours did not gouerne mee also heerin it were not possible that I could dissemble the matter anie longer but must cry out and that alowd at the sight of so great wonders as these And what now is it then that so miserable a Creature and so loaden with abominations as I am and who haue spent my whole life in so little feare of Almightie God ought to find with all reason in her self to see that she approaches so great a Maiestie euen when he is pleased that my Soule should behold him with her very eyes How shall this mouth of mine which hath vttered so manie words against the Seruice of that verie Lord himself presume to touch that most Glorious Bodie of his so full of pietie and puritie since the loue which that Diuine Countenance of so much beautie suauitie and affabilitie discouers to vs doth more afflict and wound the Soule then doth euen that feare and terrour which is bred in vs by the consideration of his high Maiestie But what then should I feele in my self who haue seen all this whereof I speake two seuerall times I am really about to say O thou my deare Lord and the verie Glorie of my Soule that I haue in some kind done thee Seruice by the great afflictions which my Soule hath felt in her self and yet alas alas I can hardly tell euen what I say who am in effect writing this without knowing almost what I doe For I find that I am all troubled yea and halfe besides my self when I goe back to bring these things to my remembrance though I might seem to haue some little reason for what I say and that I had done some little thing for thy Seruice O my Lord my God But since I am not the owner of so much as one good thought if thou impart it not to mee there is nothing for which I can pretend to be thanked but I am still the debtour O my Lord and still thou art the partie offended Going one day to receaue the B. Sacrament I saw two Diuelis with the eyes of my Soule more clearly then if I had seen them with the eyes of my Bodie in a most abominable figure And me thought their hornes did encompasse the very throat of a certaine poore Preist and I saw also my Lord with that great Maiestie whereof I haue spoken placed in those hands of that Preist which he was going to minister to me with the same sinnefull hands of his for I vnderstood that Soule to be then in the state of Mortall Sinne. But now what kind of Obiect must it be to see thy Beautie O my Lord in the midst of so abominable figures Those Diuells were as all amazed and frighted in thy presence and willingly enough would haue been gone from thence if they could haue gotten thy leaue This gaue me such an excessiue trouble that I knew not how I should be able to Communicate through the great feare wherein I was as conceauing that if it had been a true Vision his Diuine Maiestie would neuer haue permitted that I should discerne the miserie wherein that poore Soule remained The same deare Lord of mine commanded me to pray for that Soule and told me that he had suffered what I had seen to the end that I might know of how great power and force the words of Consecration were and that Almightie God would not be kept from thence how wicked soeuer that Preist should be who pronounced them and to the end that I might also discerne his great goodnes in not forbearing to put himself into the hands euen of his greatest enemies for the good both of me and of all men And I also vnderstood thereby how much more Preists are obliged to be vertuous and good then other men and how terrible a thing it is to take the B. Sacrament vnworthily and how absolute a Lord the Diuel is of anie Soule which is in Mortall Sinne. In fine this passage did me a great deale of good and gaue me a most particular knowledge of the very great obligation wherein I was to Almightie God And let him be Blessed and praised for all eternitie Amen Another time I hapned to see another thing which amazed me extreamly I was in a certaine place where a certaine person dyed who had liued very ill and that manie yeares but during two of them he had been sick and in some things he also seemed to be reformed This man dyed without Confession but still it seemed to me that he was not to be damned though yet whilst men were shrowding him and preparing him for Buriall I saw manie Diuells possesse themselues of that Bodie and they seemed as it were to play with it and yet withall they vsed diuerse cruelties vpon it for they did with certaine great hookes both teare and tosse it from one to another and this struck me into a very great feare When afterward I saw him carried to be buried with all the ceremonie and
And I beleiue it had been more then a moneth wherein I did almost nothing els but begg of Almightie God that he would bring this Soule back to himself And being in Prayer one day I saw a Diuel hard by me with certaine papers in his hand which he was tearing and he seemed to be in a very great rage But this put me into much comfort because I conceiued thereby that my Suite was granted and so it was as I came to know afterward For the Partie had been at Confession and had done it with great Contrition and he returned in so very good earnest to Almightie God that I hope in his Diuine Maiestie he will euer goe aduancing in his Seruice And let him be Blessed for euer Amen In this particular of procuring our Blessed Lord to bring Soules out of greiuous Sinnes vpon my humble suite and of others who were brought manie times to more perfection and of freing Soules also out of Purgatorie and of doing other things also of great importance the Fauours of our Blessed Lord haue been so great that I should both wearie my self and my Reader if I would pretend to relate them And these things haue hapned oftner to me for the benefit of Soules then of Bodies and this is so very well knowne that it hath manie witnesses But then instantly there grew a kind of Scruple vpon me since I could not choose but beleiue that our Lord was pleased to doe diuerse things through my Prayer for in this case and at this time I abstract from his goodnes and mercye which is euer the cheif cause of all things but for the rest these are now so manie particulars and so well knowne by others that I haue no difficulty at all to beleiue them and I blesse his Diuine Maiestie for the same and they put me to great confusion because I still find my self to be more and more a debtour But that consideration makes my desire to serue him encrease and reviues my loue And which yet amazes me more those things which our Lord findes not to be conuenient I can scarce begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen almost although I would and if I doe it is with so little strength and spirit and care that although I would faine force my self yet it is euen impossible for me to doe it in these as I doe it in those others which his Diuine Maiestie hath a minde to effect for such I see I am able to begg often and that with great importunitie and though I carrie not the particular care of them about me yet me thinkes they come before me of themselues So that the difference between these two wayes of asking is so very great as I am not able to declare For though I aske in one of these kinds of things wherein I forbeare not to vrge my self to begg them of our Lord howsoeuer I feele not that kind of feruour in my self which I doe in those other and though they chance to import mine owne particular very much yet is it in effect but as when a man chances to be toung-tyed who although he would faine speake yet he cannot doe it and if he speake it is but in such sort as that he sees it cannot be vnderstood whereas the other is as when a man speakes cleare and plaine to a man whome he findes very willing to heare him Or els let vs say that one of those Fauours is begged as by a Vocall Prayer and the other as in a way of Contemplation which is so very sublime that our Lord represents himself in such sort as that we vnderstand that he vnderstands vs and that his Diuine Maiestie is ioyed to see that we begg anie thing of him that so he may doe vs fauour Blessed be he for euer who giues vs so much and to whome I giue so little For what O my Lord doth anie man who doth not euen defeate himself wholy for thee and yet hovv much hovv much hovv much and a thousand times more I might say hovv much am I wanting heerin And now vpon this reason I should not so much as once desire euen to liue though yet I haue other reasons also not to desire it because I liue not according to my obligation towards thee Nay how full doe I see myself of imperfections and with what faintnes and basenes doe I serue thee And really me thinkes sometimes I wish that I were euen depriued of sense that so I might not vnderstand so very much ill of my self as I doe Yet I beseech him to redresse it all who knowes so well how to doe it But I remember I spake before of my being in the House of a certaine great Ladie where I assure you folkes had good reason to haue their witts well about them and alwaies to be considering the vanitie which worldlie things carrie with them For she was a person very much esteemed and very much praised and there were temptations enow towards lesse perfection through much distraction whereby one might easily haue been shrewdly taken if I had looked vpon nothing but my self But he who iudgeth rightly and lookes vpon vs with true sight indeed was carefull not to giue ouer the keeping me euer safe in his hands And now when I am speaking of hauing a true and reall sight of things I remember and consider the great trouble which anie such person as whome it hath pleased Almightie God to endue with a knowledge of that which indeed is Truth must needs be put to when he is forced to treat with others about things which concerne this transitorie and troublesome world where all in fine is much disguised and masked as our Lord himself told me once But in the meane time manie of those things which I write heer are by no meanes of mine owne head but they haue been told me by that Heauenlie Maister of mine And because in all those things which I am wont to affirme after a direct and positiue manner I vse to expresse my self by these words This I vnderstood or els Our Lord told me this I find my self with a very great scruple of either adding or anie way altering so much as anie one syllable thereof And so whensoeuer I doe not most expresly remember euerie circumstance of anie thing of this kind which is to be related by me I am wont to deliuer that alwaies as in mine owne name Or els because sometimes they proceed from mine owne particular dictamens I vse not to call anie thing mine which is good in itself because indeed I am farre enough from being ignorant that anie such thing as is in me is good but I affirme only those things as in mine owne name and they are deliuered as by my self which did not come into my vnderstanding and knowledge by way of Reuelation But O my deare Lord and my God! and how often doth it happen to vs heer that euen in the most spirituall occasions we are resolued manie
different kindes was round about me which circled me in And it seemed to me that cuerie one had offensiue weapons in his hands wherewith to hurt me as Lances Swords and Daggers and others had also long Staues In a word I could not get from thence by anie way or meanes without danger of death especially being alone and not hauing anie one Creature to helpe me And being thus in so great affliction of Spirit that I knew not what to doe I lifted-vp mine eyes towards Heauen and saw Christ our Lord not then in Heauen but yet very high and farre off from me in the ayre who reachtforth his hand towards me and fauoured me from thence in such sort that I feared neither all that other people nor yet these who all were vnable to doe me hurt how much soeuer they should desire it This Vision seemes at the first sight to be without anie fruit or good effect at all but it hath yet done me a great deale of good because I haue vnderstood what it signifyed For I saw my self in that encounter shortly after and knew that it was nothing els but this Vision and I also came to know it to be a verie picture or rather Mappe of the world For as manie as are in it abstracting euer from those few who apply themselues to doe our Lord particular Seruice seemed to carrie Armes against this wretched Soule of ours as namely Honours Estates Delights and the like For it is euident that the Soule is all ouercast with a Nett before it be aware at least all these things doe the best they can to endanger and wrapp vs vp fast enough as namely Freinds Kindred and which amazes me more euen such as are vertuous people For I found my self afterward to be extreamly pressed and euen oppressed by them they conceauing in the meane time that they carried themselues very well but the while I knew not at all either how to defend my self or what to doe O my deare God! and if now I should stand to relate the kindes and differences of those troubles which set vpon me at that time euen after all those others whereof I spake before how well might this be able to serue for a meanes to make a man wholy abhorre all things It was me thinkes the verie greatest persecution of all that euer I had endured For I felt my self at some times so straightly set vpon on all sides that I only found remedie by lifting-vp mine eyes to Heauen and crying vpon Almightie God And I remembred very well what I had seen in this last Vision of mine and it did me a great deale of good towards a not putting confidence in anie Creature for there is no one of them firme and stable but only God alone is entirely and truly so But in these great afflictions our Lord hath euer vsed to send me some person or other who in his name might lend me his hand as he signifyed to me that he would and as he did also let me see in this last Vision and so I tyed not my self to anie thing but only to please our Blessed Lord and this hath serued to sustaine this poore little vertue which I had in desiring to serue him And let him be Blessed for euer But finding my self once very vnquiet and in great disorder yea and in skirmish or rather in a verie battaile without being able to recollect my self yea and my thoughts being scattered and dispersed vpon things which were not very perfect and withall not seeming to be so vtterly vntyed from all things as I vsed and being still so wicked as I was I grew afrayd that the Fauours which our Blessed Lord had done me might fall-out to be Illusions and in fine I then remained with a very great obscuritic of minde But now whilst I was in this paine our Lord beganne to speake to me and told me that I must not be thus afflicted but that finding my self in that case I might well vnderstand euen thereby in how great miserie I must remaine if once he should depart from me and that there was to be no securitie at all as long as we should continue in this world I was also giuen to vnderstand how well our labour was employed in this strife and warre since it would not faile to be followed with so high a reward And me thought our Blessed Lord had compassion of them who liue in this world but that I must not thinke that he had forgotten me yea and that he would neuer leaue me but yet so as that still I must also doe my part in helping my self And this did our Blessed Lord declare to me with a kind of tender compassion and Regalo accompanied with certaine words whereby so high Fauour was done me as I need not stand heer to relate And these others which follow heer now his Diuine Maiestie saith also often to me with demonstration of most particular loue Thou art novv grovvne to be mine and I am thine And those words which I am euer wont to say and to my thinking I say them with much truth are these which follow VVhat care I O my Lord for my self but only for thee But I confesse those words of his to me are of great Regalo to my hart though yet withall they be of excessiue confusion when I remember what kind of Creature I am But it seemes that I haue need of more courage for the receauing of those high Fauours then euen for the enduring of vnspeakable afflictions But now when these things are in motion all the poore good actions of my life are vtterly forgotten by me and then it is only represented to my minde how wicked I am and that without anie discourse at all of my vnderstanding so that euen this also doth seem at certaine times to haue somewhat of the Supernaturall in it Sometimes there come also vpon me so earnest and euen eager appetites of receauing the Blessed Sacrament that I know not whether it can be possible for me to expresse them to the full It hapned to me one morning that it rayned so extreamly as to seem no way fitt for me to goe out of doores But yet being once gotten abroad I was already growne also to be so farre out of my self through that desire of Communicating that although they had set Lances euen pointed and held fast against my verie Breast me thought I could haue passed euen through them all and how much more then through water And as soone as I ariued at Church I was taken with a very great Rapt For me thought the verie Heauen was open and not by one ouerture only as I had seen it at other times and I saw another also aboue that vpon which I vnderstood by way of a certaine notice which I am not able to expresse the Diuinitie it self to be though yet I saw not the Diuinitie And me thought it was vpheld by certaine Mysterious Beasts and I was
considering whether they were not those of the Euangelists But yet I neither saw how the Throne was seated nor who was sitting in it but only a great multitude of Angells about it which seemed to me of much more beautie beyond comparison then those others which I had seen in Heauen before And I haue been thinking whether they might not haue been Seraphins or Cherubins for they are very different in point of glorie and they seemed to be mightily inflamed And as for the glorie which then I felt in my self it can neither be written nor spoken nor is anie one able euen to thinke it but such as had been made partakers of it by seeing it But I vnderstood that absolutly all that which possibly can be desired was there and that all togeather I there saw nothing at all distinctly but they told me yet I know not euen who they were that the thing which I might there be able to doe was to vnderstand that I could vnderstand nothing but that I might see from thence the direct Nothingnes of all things in comparison of that And really it is very true that my Soule from that time forward hath found it self as if it were extreamly affronted and confounded to obserue that it was able to pause at all vpon anie thing created and how much more then to be affected either by it or to it For all things seem to me euer since to be neither better nor more then the verie nest of an Ant. But I Communicated and was at Masse though yet I knew not how I could be so I conceiued that the time had been very short and wondered when the Clock struck and so found that it was two howers wherein I had remained in Rapt and glorie I was amazed after this to know how by approaching so neer to this Fire which seemed to come from aboue out of the true loue of Almightie God it was yet in no power of mine at all to get the least sparke thereof but only when his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to impart it For how much soeuer I desire it and how earnestly soeuer I procure it and would defeate and euen destroy my self for it there is yet no meanes at all to obtaine it But now this Rapt of mine seemes euen to haue consumed the faults and lukewarmnesse and miseries of the old man as the Phenix is sayd to doe her self out of whose ashes when she is burnt springs another Phenix For iust so doth a Soule become absolutly an other kind of thing with desires wholy different and with a courage so encreased that now she seemes not to be what she was before but now beginnes to walke with a new kind of puritie in the way of our Lord. And I iust then beseeching his Diuine Maiestie that it might proue to be so in my case and that I might now at least beginne as vpon a new account to doe him seruice he spake these words to me Thou hast made a good Comparison and see that thou forget it not that so thou maist euer procure to improue thy self And being once in the self-same doubt whereof I spake euen now whether these Visions were of God or no our Lord appeared and spake these words to me with some rigour Hovv long O yee Sonnes of men vvill yee continue to be hard of hart And he also willed me then to examine my self well vpon this one Interrogatorie VVhether I vvere entirely giuen to him for his or no and that if I vvere giuen so and vvas so I should beleiue that he vvould not suffer me to be lost And whereas I afflicted my self much vpon his vttering that exclamation aforesayd he returned with great tendernes and Regalo and told me that he would not haue me afflict my self and that he knew already that I for my part would not faile to apply my self wholy to that which might be for his Seruice and that so he would also doe all that which I desired of him against Illusions and so he was pleased to doe that thing in particular which then I humbly begged at his hands For he willed me to looke in vpon the Loue which went encreasing daily in me for thereby I might best vnderstand that the Diuel had no part in it and that I must not thinke Almightie God would consent that the Diuel should haue so much power ouer the Soules of his Seruants as to be able to giue me such a claritie of vnderstanding togeather with such a depth of repose of minde as I possessed And he gaue me also further to vnderstand that such and so manie men hauing told me that these Visitations were of Almightie God I should doe ill if I did not beleiue them Being also another time in Prayer vpon S. Athanasius's Creed of Quicumque vult c I was giuen to vnderstand the manner how there was one onlie God and three Persons and this in so perspicuous and cleare a kind that I was no lesse comforted by it then amazed at it This also did me very much good towards the giuing me encrease of knowledge concerning the greatnes of Almightie God and of his wonders and for all such occasions also as wherein I thinke of the Blessed Trinitie or heare speech thereof And now me thinkes I conceaue how all that Mysterie stands very well and it contents me much One day vpon the Assumption of our B. Ladie the Queen of the Angells our Lord was pleased to doe me the Fauour in a certaine Rapt that her rising vp into Heauen was represented to me togeather with the solemnitie and ioy of that Celestiall Court wherewith she was receiued as also the place which she held To tell what kind of thing this was I am no way able The glorie which euen my Spirit had to see that hers is so great was euen extreame and I remained with great effects and improuements by it towards a wish of vndergoing yet greater afflictions for the loue of our Lord. And so it also gaue me encrease of desires to serue our B. Ladie since both her dignitie and merit was so great And being one day in a Colledge of the Societie of IESVS and the Brothers of that House being then in act of receauing the B. Sacrament I saw a very rich Canopie ouer their heads and this at two seuerall times but yet when others Communicated there I saw it not THE FOVRTIETH CHAPTER She proceeds in the same Discourse by relating the great Fauours vvhich our Lord shevved her vvhereby good instruction is to be gotten And vvith the end of this Chapter she ends also the Discourse of her Life BEing once in Prayer the delight and gust which I felt within my self was so great and I found my self so vnworthie of so high a Fauour that I beganne vpon that occasion to consider how much better I had deserued to possesse that place in Hell which was prepared for me for I could neuer forget in what manner I had seen my self
neer them vvith hallovved Candles * An excellent Aduise Take heed of this great danger * Consider this point much and often * Note this good Conclusion vpon the Praemises * Note this very vvell for nothing imports more thē this * A great and gross errour * A point of very great importance * Note * This vvas the beginning of many great blessings * Her entrance into the receaueing Supernaturall Fauours * It vvorkes not indeed by vvay of vsing Discourse or makeing Inferences but yet it vvorks by vvay of Contēplation and Admiration of the Infinite Obiect being God vvho is set before it * Note * A great foolish errour * Behold heer the true great impediment * This Saint is admirable in all the Comparisons vvhich the vses * This is a kind of Engine vvith certaine little leather Buckets fastned to the sides of a very great vvheele vvhich dra vves vp very much vvater vvith great ease In Spanish it is called a Noria * A good Lesson * A consideration of much comfort * A hard question most clearly and excellently ansvvered * Marke vvell these masculine and massye vvords * Note * This suspending of the Thought or Vnderstanding of vvhich the Saint speakes is a presenting a multitude of Supernaturall and Diuine Obiects before it together vvith a copious infusion of Light vvich is decerned by it after a kind of intuitiue vvay at once vvithout discourse or trouble And this Light rests not there but passes-on to the VVill and grovves to be as so much Fyre for the inflameing it in the Loue of our Lord. And the Soule doth more properly suffer heer then act And novv the Saint giues great vvarning that people be not so foolish as to offer at these things of themselues A great truth * A dangerous provvd foolish errour * Obserue the generous vvay of this great Saint * Note this very vvell * A great praise of a large hart * Hovv Saynts are to be imitated hovv admired * Note this vvell * A necessary Aduise * Our daily Bread * A description of a good Directour in matter of Spirit * Note * Hovv the VVill is to carry it selfe to the other Faculties of the Minde * The blessings of Quiet Prayer * Note * Note * Hovv the Soule is to carry it selfe in Quiet Prayer * Note * A true happy Comparison * The good Spirit very easily discerned from the bad * Note this point aboue all * A most necessary Document * A great blessing by meanes of this Prayer * These are the more generous mindes * As vvhen one is dyinge * This is an admirable State of Minde * The true State of the Povvers of the Minde in this Prayer Hovv there is an Vnion in this Prayer hovv there is none * The great effects of this high Prayer * The difference betvveē Eleuatiō and Vnion * She proceeds in declaring the great effects of this high Prayer * A Cōsideration of strange comfort * This is strange indeed * The strong Pillar of Prayer * Consider this very vvell * Take heed * A most dangerous temptation * Consider and admire this passage * The manner nature of Rapts * The Effects of Rapts * The strangest state of Minde vvhich perhaps is described in the vvhole Booke * The effect of Rapts * This Saynt it admirable in her Comparisons * Other great effects of true Rapts * Her great zeale for the conuersion of Kings * She alludes to Comets and blazing Starrs * A rare expression * Anopinion vvhich is more probable then true * This seems to haue been a foolish and ill-fauoured kind of errour in those others * That vvas by seuerall Visions * A svveet and iust cōplaint and vvorthie of the Saint vvho made it * By Vision * Beleiue and consider this most certaine Truth * A doubt vvhich cannot easily be solued * She grovves novv to make serious enquiry after a good Directour * The only excellent course * This holy mā enters often into the Story of our Saynt * This vvas no improbable opinion though it vvere no true one * So good a begining vvas almost a kind of perfecting the vvorke * The Saynt begann heer to be happy * This vvas a vvise man likely to vvorke vvonders vpon a Soule * He lost nothing by leaueing to be a Duke for Gods sake * This must needs haue been a holy and a vvise man * A little of this goes farr * So true it is that God is God * The mighty force and povver of any one Supernaturall vvord * The infinit differēce betvveē Supernaturall vvords of God all other * A strange encounter * Great povver of our Lord. * Hovv quickly she gott courage against the Diuells * A most certaine truth * This vvas a very ill aduise indeed * The incredible deare svveetnes of our B. Lord to a Soule * Obserue this vvell * This Saint yovv see vvas certainly no Protestant * The Masque of Pride * An admirable example of Pennance * Humane frailty and celestiall glory are not compatible * Imaginary Visions represented to by the senses are of the lovvest ranke most subiect to danger * The great effects of an admirable and most sublime Vision * The differēce is easily found both betvveen a true Vision and a false and betvveen a true Vision and a Fancy * A plaine demonstration * In order to the guideing of others a Directour may easily haue too meane an optnion of himselfe * This Saint vvas hugely vexed by the insatisfaction vvhich she receiued from many Spirituall men * This is very fitt to be knovvne * This is a true Fortiter sed Suauiter * This Saint vvas most strangely familiarly and supernaturally visited by our B Lord. * A strange Taske vvhich vvas put even by holy men upon this Saint * The more she vvas discountenanced euen by good men so much the more highly vvas she fauoured by our Lord. * A rare Comparison * Still more more excellent comparisons * An excellent most necessary Aduise * A strange mixture of affections but such as God knovves hovv to giue * This greife is after the rate of the loue * A very safe and vvise vvay of proceeding * This is a most certaine truth * Heer follovves a vvhole vvorld of sad temptations troubles * The differēce betvveē Diuine and Diabolicall greife of minde * The vvay manner of a great desolation * A pretty humour * A happy State * She makes along Discourse of the Diabolicall Temptations troubles to vvhich she vvas subiect * The excellency of Holy VVater * A great and iust consolation * A question vvorthy of him that askt it * This is a very great Truth but the Accent must be put vpon the vvord Indeed * And though she should haue continued to aske it I dare say our Lord vvould not haue graunted it * A must certaine truth * A vvise solid Truth * Exercise of Prayer and loue of Honour agree not vvell together * This is not to be litterally vnderstood for the Diuell can prepare no place for a Soule in Hell but by the Decree of Almighty God vpon the particular Iudgement giuen at the death of the Party * The Sinnes of Ingratitude discorrespondence and inordinate affection to Creatures vvhich she did committ and the greater and mortall Sinnes vvhich she vvould most certainly haue committed if the Mercy of our Blessed Lord had not preuented and vvithheld her * Hell is represented to her in Spirit after a most subtile manner and it vvas shevved to her and described by her in such sort as that such Creatures may be capable thereof as are indued not only vvith Mindes but vvith Bodyes * The excellent fruits vvhich this Saint did gather from this great Fauour vvhich seems to be the sole cause vvhy our B. Lord vvas pleased to impare this Fauour * The great benefit of this Fauour * Vide supra fol 471. * A svveet Effect of a sad Cause * A sad and strange proceeding * Hovv one suspition u vvont to thrid it self close vpon another * A holy vvise man * All these things and the like as namely Darts or Chaines or Crovvnes or Ievvells c. are not to be vnderstoood after a grosse materiall vvay but yet that really they haue truth in their being represented distinctly clearly to the Imagination of the Partyes and they cheifly serue as testimonies Signes of those interiour graces vertues vvhich vse to be imprinted vpon Soules at those very times by the mercy of our B. Lord. * She meanes her selfe * This Saint vvas an excellent person to make a freind of * A very strange demonstration of a most ciuill noble and freindly hart * Our Blessed Lord is still as good as his vvord * The great Charity Humility of the Saynt * Hovv deuout this deare Saynt is * They vvere very noble though they vvere poore * The Diuell is still himselfe * This is such a kind of vvorld as vvherein things vvill euer goe thus * A true ansvver to all the Diuells Obiections * Note the description vvhich the Saynt makes heer of her Religious * This Fast of the Order is not so strict and rigorous as that of the Church but is rather a forbearance of halfe the Meale then a Fast * This Point of haueing so very fevv in a Monastery vvas partly meant for them vvho vvere to liue in any place on Almes and partly because the Saint had seen some disorders by haueing too many Religious in other Hovvses and yet the Saint her selfe came aftervvard to admit of tvventy in stead of tvvelue and vvould perhaps haue admitted more if she had found reason for it * She inueighs vvith much reason against vaine Complements and especially amongst Religious people * An excellent most vsefull Document * A true noble most generous hart * Great effects of a Vision