did much encourage him to give himself up to the Ministry of the Word 1. The benefiting of his own Soul in his Meditations for Preaching for whilst he was studying for others the Lord made it a word of Instruction to himself And he found it the best means of growth to be watering others Yet herein he perceived he said great need of Watchfulness and much care lest his heart should put away that Word from himself which he was pressing upon others 2. He found his heart much diverted from other studies Philosophy seemed tedious to him he found not that satisfaction in studying meer human Authors as in meditating on Divine things Yea he thought he disrelished all other Studies and they were unsavory to him and he knew not but that this might be of the Lord thus to turn his heart from the one and encline it to the other Study 3. The Lord had been pleased to bless his labours in some measure and ordered so by his Providence that it came to his knowledge As particularly at Burwell at Swafham at Soham at Land-Beech at Chesterton in Cambridgshire at Debenham in Suffolk at Wethersfield in Essex This was an especial encouragement to him as it might well be to pursue the Ministry In the year 1654 he was chosen Catechist for that year in the Colledge In which choice he observed the special Providence of God for whereas formerly the Masters used to nominate the fellows for such Offices as they should bear he this year bad the fellows agree and choose among themselves which they did according to Seniority His business detained him from being present at the meeting of the fellows and every one having chosen what they liked best they cast the Catechists place upon him judging him fittest for it which he accepted and accordingly began to discharge it in Michaelmass Term. This was the first place where he setled himself to a constant course of Preaching Wherein God did greatly encourage and honour him for the very first night he Exercised one of the Fellows came to him and told him he had felt the power of God in that Ordinance upon his heart The Statutes of the Colledge obliging him to these Divinity Exercises as Catechist in the Chapel only in Term time towards the end of the Term he began to consider whether he should continue and proceed in the same Exercises as well out of Term as in Term his Conscience towards God as well as the local Statute and his zeal to improve all opportunities to do good prompting him thereto being doubtful what to do he was determined to the Affirmative by hearing a Sermon Preached at St. Maries by the Reverend and Learned Dr. Tuckury then Professor of Divinity there the scope whereof was to shew what a Blessed and desireable thing it was to have the Church of God multiplied and encreased and in the Application he did in an especial manner direct his words to the University and did in the name of God earnestly beseech every one in their places to endeavour the encrease and multiplying of the Church of God both by adding themselves to it and labouring to add others to it His Soul was much warmed at this Sermon and considering the seasonableness of it he looked upon this word as directed specially to himself and took encouragement from it to proceed in his Work This practice of his being a proof not only of his abilities but of his willingness also and that laboriously to serve God in the work of the Ministry About Easter following a motion was made to him by one of St. Andrews Parish in Cambridge in the Name of the rest to supply that place which he declined promising only to give them one Sermon Afterward the motion being more importunately renewed to him he advised them to seek God to direct them in a business of that concern commending to them others of greater Abilities and Grace than himself to make choice of telling them he would at that time neither deny nor promise any thing About six weeks after 8 or 9 of the Parish came to him in the name of the whole and signified to him that it was their joynt Request that he would Preach with them on the Lords days in the Forenoon Whereupon after a Fortnights consideration and seeking of God and Consulting friends he complied with their desire and undertook that Service Here God so blessed his Ministry both to the Students in the University and people of the Town that his Encouragement was very great for which he always blessed God In the Colledge he so well discharged his Office that the year now expiring he was again chosen into the same Office next year And now being satisfied that God did call him to this Work and Office by the success which God gave to his labours and the acceptance he had in the Church he resolved thoroughly to devote and give up himself to it by solemn Ordination For which end he repaired to London and being there proved and well approved of was Feb. 13. 1655 solemnly set apart to this Office and Work by Fasting and Prayer and laying on of the Hands of the Presbytery To which God seemed to set his Seal both during the Action by very gracious influences of his Spirit upon his heart beyond his preparations for which he hath Recorded thanks to God and on the Lords day following viz. Feb. 17. When being desired to Preach at the Charterhouse both parts of the day In the Afternoon one put up a Bill to him wherein the person that put it up acknowledged that he had long lain under the guilt of a known Sin and was convinced of it by the morning Sermon and desired Prayers to God for help against it Others also in that Congregation he observed to be affected at that his first Sermon after his Ordination In his returning from London to Cambridge upon the way he experienced a very good Providence with which his heart was much affected and which he thankfully Recorded as an instance of Gods special care of him The night overtaking him ere he could reach to Hasting Mills where the Waters were very high by reason of a flood just as he came almost to the Water a man met him who knowing the danger of the Water and the safest passage through it offered him his Service and very kindly lent him his own taller and stronger Horse and riding back again on his Horse before him led him safely through which else he perceived he could not have passed without the hazard of his Life Being now return'd to Cambridge to the Charge he had undertaken with what Conscience Faithfulness Zeal and Industry he applied himself to the Work to which he had devoted himself and was now solemnly set apart I leave to the Pious Reader to judge by what follows in his own words July 7 th 1656. I set apart that day for Fasting and Prayer to seek the Lord for Counsel whether I should
suffer greater persecutions 2. God can if he will hide me from the strife of Tongues yea he promiseth to do so for them that trust in him Psal 31. 19 20. he can make a mans Enemies to be at Peace with him and will if our ways please him Prov. 16. 7. However I shall not be solicitous of mans judgment in this matter but commit my way and Cause to the Lord and if I be reproached he will one day clear me Ps 37. 5 6. 3. If I do meet with shame and reproach for my diligence in Preaching the Word 't is no more than the Apostles met with 1 Cor. 4. 9 10 13. yea I Christ suffered great contradiction in his Preaching they said he was Mad and had a Devil and I am bidden to remember it as that which will keep me from fainting Heb. 12. 3. 4. If I Serve Christ the Lord will honour me and that is infinitely above the honour of the world Joh. 12. 26. I shall desire therefore to seek the praise that is of God and no matter what men say 5. It will be my happyness if I be reproached for Christs sake 1 Pet. 4. 14. and I should be so far from being troubled discouraged and dejected at it that I should rejoyce exceedingly that God counts me worthy to partake of the sufferings of Christ v. 13. 6. The thoughts of that Glory that shall be revealed hereafter 1 Pet. 5. 4. should cause me to despise the shame which I meet with here in the Service of God Heb. 12. 2. 2 d. Discouragement It may be the people will slight the Word I shall have but few hearers the Word growing common will be nauseated c. Reply 1. The hearts of all men are in Gods hand if he touch their hearts they shall come 1 Sam. 10. 26. I will leave that to the Lord whether he will encline many or but few to attend upon his Word 2. The Angels those glorious Creatures did not disdain to Preach Christ to a few poor Shepherds and therefore I should not think much to Preach Christ though to never such a thin Congregation Jesus Christ himself Preached the Gospel to one hearer only and that a poor sinful woman of Samaria Joh. 4. 3. Gods presence is not tied to a multitude if but two or three be gathered together in his Name he is in the midst of them and if God will bless his Word for the Conversion of but one Soul it is worth all our labour and pains Mark 8. 37. Jam. 5. 19 20. 4. I shall desire to do my work to God and not to men because God Commands me though men may slight my pains and do not gather together to hear the Word yet my work is before the Lord and my reward with him and I shall be glorious in his eyes however I appear before men Isa 49. 5. However men reckon of my labours though the more I love them and labour for them the less I beloved yet this should not be any hindrance to me in the work of God but I should gladly spend my self and be spent therein 2 Cor. 12. 13. Having Consulted God and seeing such good ground for my undertaking I set up a Lecture once a Fortnight on Thursday in the Afternoon at three of the Clock I began it on the first Thursday in June 1657. With such mature Deliberation such a resolved Conscience such a willing mind such a zealous Spirit such a laborious head and hand did this worthy Servant of God apply himself to the great Work wherein he was engaged Thus did he fortifie his heart with strongest Arguments against all temptations to sloth and negligence Thus searched he the Scriptures that he might fully know his Lords will Thus yielded he obedience to the Commands and acted Faith in the promises of God In this his might he went forth in the Name of the Lord to the work of the Lord and the pleasure of the Lord did prosper in his hand Though his constant weekly work at St. Andrews Church were enough to exercise more than ordinary strength both of mind and body yet he had many other occasions of Service which he attended not only in the Colledge as his place required especially as a Tutor which relation and trust he diligently and faithfully discharged towards his Pupils both as to Learning and Religion but in the Town as Preaching frequently Funeral Sermons and Trinity Lecture and in the Country also at several Lectures both in Cambridgeshire and Huntingdonshire For his Abilities and willingness were so well known as encouraged many invitations to be made to him from abroad All which he performed not after an extemporary rate as the manner of some is hastily to utter quicquid in buccam venerit but as a workman that needed not to be ashamed On which account the Ears of so many hanged upon him and he never wanted a full Auditory as well of Schollars as Town-people His Sermons were well studied and digested his matter Substantial and Spiritual his Arguments strong and convincing his utterance full clear deliberate and grave His words apt and natural to express the Conceptions of his mind he neither affected a strain of words which mans wisdom teacheth nor allowed himself a liberty of words which mans indiscretion poureth out but his Phrase was such as spake him to have an holy Reverence for the plainness and simplicity of the Gospel of Christ a due care that he exposed not the Ministry of the word to Contempt a Religious fear of that God in whose Name he spake and a serious regard to the Concernment of the Souls of men And in all his Applications to God by Prayer both in publick and private his behaviour words and manner of utterance were such as spake his solemn and affecting apprehensions of the Majesty and Holiness of God whom he Worshipped So as considering his years the multiplicity of his Ministerial work his manner of performing it and the holiness of his life wherewith he did adorn and commend it it may be truly said of him that however he was excelled by others in other respects yet in this he was Nulli secundus if not a None such in the University in his day But Cambridge is not a place for long continuance The University is the Church's Nursery from whence God is wont to remove and transplant his trees of Righteousness when once grown up to the Stature of Fruit-bearing that the various Congregations of his people may eat of the fruit thereof and live God having here trained up his Servant to his hand Instructed him with excellent Gifts and abundant Grace called him solemnly to the Office of the Ministry proved him an able and successful Instrument before many Witnesses and enlarged his heart not only to a willingness but zeal to discharge his Office with all his might quickly shewed him the place where with this resolved Industry and Integrity he should improve his Talents Scarce two Months were
more precious and I was encouraged to go on with confidence And I determined to eye this promise for the future when I should go forth where I might probably meet with disturbance Dec. 25. 65. As I was reading in my course Luke 6. I observed from v. 11 12. from Christs practice who in those days when his Enemies were filled with madness against him and Communed one with another what they might do unto him went out into a Mountain to pray and continued all night in prayer to God I observed I say hence that it was my duty to give my self much unto prayer at such times as I had any Enemies that laid wait for me to do me hurt Within a day or two after one of the Constables came to me and told me that his fellow Constable when he had drunk somewhat liberally opened his heart to him and told him that there had been some Communication between him and one of the Deputy Lieutenants about presenting me at the Sessions and about my Meetings I thought upon that place in Luke 6. 11 12. after he was gone and went up into my Chamber to pray And as I was meditating on this matter that Scripture Deut. 33. 12. was brought to my remembrance The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by him c. I was strengthened in my adherence to this promise because God had lately made out his love to my Soul as I was pleading this promise in prayer that passage was set home He shall cover thee all the day long Whence I did hope that the Lord who had helped me hitherto would still cover me under the shadow of his wings After I had been at prayer I considered Jacobs carriage when he was in danger of suffering by his brother Esau After he had been wrestling with God in prayer and pleading the promise he betook himselfto the use of the most probable means for appeasing Esau I also used the most probable means to prevent trouble at the ensuing Sessions and it pleased God so to order things at the Sessions that I met with no trouble Blessed be God who alone maketh me to dwell in safety Jun. 22. As I was exercising in my Family in the Afternoon several of my friends being with me I had word sent me that the Mayor and Justices would come down to my house whereupon being near the end of my Exercise I quickly concluded After I had done and dismissed the people one of the Constables came to me and told me he was sent to dissolve my Meeting but had a trembling upon him when he spake to me He added that he blessed God that had given him an heart to come some times himself and his Wife to my Meetings so that instead of doing me any hurt he gave glory to God that inclined him to come to hear me In Octob. 1670. I was presented in the Ecclesiastical Court for Preaching But God stood by me and encouraged me with that word Ps 103. 31. And though my Adversaries proceeded so far as to get out an Excommunication against me yet the Lord raised up deliverance for me that the Court took off my Excommunication without appearing before them or paying any Fees Yea so far was he from declining the exercise of his Ministry for fear of suffering that when he had been persuaded thereto by the importunity of friends he was much dissatisfied concerning which thus he records I promised Mr. B. to Preach at White Colne on Octob. 23. accordingly on Saturday I was prepared to go H. P. came in and told us that the Soldiers had seized Mr. B. and imprisoned him and that it would not be safe for me to go at that season all my friends and Relations dissuaded me but notwithstanding my mind stood to go But being importuned to stay and having been very lately sought after by name by the Soldiers in those parts and weighing the Providence in sending H. P. to my house with this Intelligence as I was about to take Horse I determined to cast my self on my Brother Cole's determination who was then at my house and he determining that I should not go I stayed at home But that night and the next day I was under much despondency of Spirit for missing such an opportunity of Service yet God was gracious to me and revived me It was some stay to my mind what I read Mat. 16. 20. Where I observed that the divulging of the most necessary truths was at some seasons and in some places prohibited by Jesus Christ I was further satisfied from Act. 16. 6 7. whence I observed that the frustrating of our Attempts and designs to Preach the Gospel to particular places that we purposed to go to did sometimes arise from the Holy Ghost And from Psal 52. 9. I had a damp upon my Spirit and was hindred from praising God for my deliverance from my Enemies hands because I had missed an opportunity of Service But this Scripture convinced me that I ought to praise God for this Providence though attended with some afflicting Circumstances By these Scriptures and Prayer I obtained satisfaction and the Lord Answered my desire and fully quieted my mind Once a very zealous and active Prosecutor of the Non-conformists obtained a Warrant against him upon the Oxford Act directed to all the Chief Constables and petty-Constables in the County to apprehend him Accordingly an Officer a stranger came to Execute it and when he was nigh the house he espied two persons whom by their habit he judged to be Ministers walking in a field the one was Mr. Stockton the other Mr. Senior of Hackney whom God hath also lately taken away He hasteneth to them and told them he had a Warrant against one of them but he knew neither Mr. Senior asked which of them He Answered Mr. Stockton Let me see your Warrant said Mr. Senior he shewed it him verily concluding from thence that he was the man Some Little Girls were there walking with them who did industriously cling to Mr. Senior as if he had been their Father which further confirmed him in his Error While Mr. Senior read the Warrant and the Officer was intent upon him Mr. Stockton walked aside and when Mr. Senior saw him beyond his reach he convinced the Officer of his Error who thereby was disappointed of his prey Being thus secured by the Providence of God through Faith and Prayer from the danger of Adversaries he thankfully acknowledged the whole glory thereof to God thus In reading 2 Chron. 20. 30. The Realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet for his God gave him rest round about God caused me to take notice that my living in rest and quietness being free from the molestation of my Enemies was the gift of God and came to pass by his Providence not from the privacy of the place where I lived or from the peaceable disposition of my Neighbours I was also instructed what I should return unto the Lord for keeping me from the
providence I set apart a day to humble my Soul with fasting and prayer that I might obtain from God a Sanctified use of my afflictions I sought God to pardon my sins which were the causes thereof and to make them work for my good I spent a good part of the day in meditating how I should make a right improvement of these corrections I Considered that one main end of all Chastisements was that God might make us partakers of his holiness Heb. 12 10. Isa 26. 9. I resolved in the strength and by the help of God to follow after holiness more vigorously than I had done and I engaged in this resolution because I saw from Isa 60. 21. that by my being holy and righteous God should be glorified And seeing the nature of holiness lieth in our bearing Gods image in our being like to God or in our conformity to the Divine Nature Eph. 4. 24. Col. 3. 10. I resolved to endeavour to imitate and resemble God in mercifulness Luk. 6. 36. in forgiving injuries Eph. 4. ult in doing good Ps 119. 68. in justice Deut. 32. 4. in Love Joh. 4. 16. in humility Ps 113. 5 6. in longfuffering Exod. 34. 6. in not retaining anger Ps 30. 5. in uprightness Isa 26. 7. in kindness Luk. 6. 35. in helping the fatherless widdow and stranger Ps 10. 14. 146. 9. And whereas we come to partake of Gods image 1. by beholding the discovery which he hath made of himself and his glorious Attributes in the gospel 2 Cor. 3. 18. 2 by applying the promises 2 Pet. 1. 4. 3. by walking with him Act. 4. 13. for we grow like those with whom we converse Prov. 22. 24. 25. I determined to walk with God to cleave to the promises and to meditate often on his glorious Attributes And seeing that our holiness lieth in the Conformity of our life to the will of God revealed in his word as well as in the resemblance of the Divine Nature I determined to set before me several Scriptures as my rule to walk by and often to ponder them and if I cannot walk up to these rules yet my endeavours shall be grace assisting to walk after them and that will be accepted as a demonstration of my Love to God 2 Joh. v. 6. For guiding and regulating my thoughts I set these Scriptures before me Jer. 14. 14. Isa 55. 7. Mal. 3. 17. Ps 104. 34. Phil. 4. 8. Prov. 23. 26. Deut. 15. 9. Eccl. 10. 20. Prov. 24. 9. Math. 9. 4. Zech. 8. 17. For regulating my affections these Col. 3. 2 5. Gal. 5. 24. particularly for my delight Ps 1. 2. 37. 5. my joy Phil. 4. 4. Ps 43. 4. my desire Isa 26. 8 9. my sorrow Ezek. 7. 16. my Love Math. 22. 37. Ps 119. 97. my hatred Ps 97. 10. my fears Luk. 12. 4 5. my hope Ps 39. 7. my trust Ps 62. 8. Isa 26. 4. For regulating my speech these Eph. 4. 29. Col. 4. 6. Deut. 6. 6 7. Ps 119. 46. Ps 71. 8. 24. Prov. 31. 26. We should lay it as a law upon our selves to speak kindly to all sorts of persons For my works these Tit. 3. 8. 1. 2 Tim. 2. 12. 1 Tim. 5. 10. Tit. 2. 14. Math. 5. 47. 1 Tim. 6. 18. Rev. 3. 2. Rom. 13. 12. Act. 26. 20. Our works must be Visibly as well as truly good Math. 5. 16. must be exemplary Tit. 2. 7. yet we must not expect Justification or Salvation by our own works but by grace Eph. 2. 8 9. Rom. 3. 28. Thus did this man of God gird himself with the Sword of the Spirit which he faithfully and successfully managed against his corruptions temptations and transgressions Thus did he put on the brest-plate of Righteousness holding the mystery of Faith in a pure Conscience applying the word of God as an inviolable Law and rule to his heart and life Sincerely aiming at the Glory of God and the obtaining that Blessedness which by the Covenant of God is secured to the undefiled in the way who walk in the Law of the Lord. How fit was he to be the mouth of God and Ambassador of Christ to sinners who when with greatest importunity he called them to Repentance and Reformation of heart and life and the Mortification of the most beloved lusts and most earnestly pressed upon them Faith and Holiness and universal Conformity to the will of God was not reproached by his own heart as if he laid heavy burdens upon others which himself would not touch with one of his fingers But with deliberate choice and constant resolution imposed them upon himself and obviated all objections by demonstrating the strictest holiness to be practicable eligible and delectable by his own example But though he was very liberally instructed by Nature Art and Grace for the Office and work of the Ministry yet such low and mean thoughts had he of himself both of his Gifts and Grace And such deep and affecting apprehensions of the difficulty and weight of the Ministerial Service which as it is in it self so was to him Onus tremendum and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Who is sufficient saith the Apostle that though it was his design and desire to serve God and his Church in that great work yet he was so discouraged that he would not as too many do hastily adventure and engage himself in that Office by solemn Ordination but would first prove himself well ask Counsel of God and his Word and attend to the Call of God by his Spirit and Providence Accordingly being Master of Arts he did sometimes exercise his Gifts in some Countrey Villages nigh the University Where his manner was at first privately to enquire out what small Parishes within ten or fifteen Miles of Cambridge were destitute of Ministers Unto these he went and Preached and that with such privacy as for some while none knew of it but himself and the Parishioners to whom he went and to many of them it was a long time unknown either who he was or from whence he came This Service he perform'd Gratis neither expecting nor according any worldly Reward yea it was a Charge to him Among these Countrey-people God blessed him and gave him the First-fruits of his Ministry making him instrumental and successful to the Conversion and Edification of many Whereby he was so endeared to them and they to him that after he was called to Preach at one certain place in Cambridge he would yet often go amongst them on the Week-days Preaching sometimes at one place and sometimes at another the people laying aside their Country-business and readily Travelling several Miles to attend upon his Ministry And after his remove from Cambridge to a considerable distance in Essex and Suffolk his manner was for the most part so long as he lived once a year to visit those people Preaching to them and Conversing with them After he had a while thus exercised his Gifts among the Country Villages He observed three things especially which
being so suited to some reasonings and doubts that I had upon my mind and coming so seasonably at my first fixing at Chattisham I was much affected with it and looked upon it as a token for good that I should have Gods presence with me and the teachings of his Spirit at Chattisham as I have had them at Colchester The encouragement which he thus took was not vain and empty God remembred his word unto his Servant wherein he had caused him to hope For he not only enclined the hearts of the people among whom he lived though strangers to him to pay him that Respect and Honour which was due to him and indulged him the liberty of private Preaching as he had before enjoyed but moreover opened to him in this place a door for the frequent publick exercise of his Ministry which was shut against him at Colchester The Minister of the Parish having another cure by reason whereof he could attend this at Chattisham but once a fortnight did in his absence not only willingly but thankfully indulge to Mr. Stockton the liberty of his Pulpit And having a very small maintenance and some burdens lying heavy upon him which after a few years made his residence there very uneasie to him he deserted his charge and left this flock to shift for themselves Whereupon at the request of the people Mr. Stockton frequently supplyed that vacancy And his Zeal provoked and encouraged others also both Ministers and People For other neighbouring Parishes being destitute of Ministers for want of maintenance called in the help of Non-Conformists who in these places so much below envye have enjoyed the liberty of their publick Preaching for the most part to this day So as not only the Parish where he lived but the neighbouring Vllages have abundant cause to bless God for sending to them so happy an Instrument so willing and Zealous so able and industrious to serve their Souls in the Gospel of Christ When it pleased his Majesty to set forth his most Gracious Declaration for Indulgence he was chosen both by a Congregation in Ipswhich and another in Colchester to preach to them And both being very desirous of him he complied with their desires as far as he could and undertook half the Service of either and so with others divided his labours between them during his life to their great Satisfaction and edification His labours were abundant His Ministry was his whole business Besides his Lords days service wherein he not only preached twice but oft expounded the Scriptures and Catechised the younger sort and many times discoursed particular Christians that applyed themselves to him for Counsel and instruction about their Spiritual cases He moreover preached a Lecture at Ipswich on the weekday once a fort-night and scarce a week passed but he preached at some other Lecture or funeral besides keeping of private fasts which he frequently practised both at home and abroad The providence of God over him while he was thus Zealously and constantly imployed in his work in so many places was so remarkable that it must not be passed over without special observation Notwithstanding the Severity of the Laws the malice watchfulness and endeavours of Adversaries yet God Suffered not an hair to fall from his head though Complaints Informations Indictments Convictions Warrant Presentments Excommunications were made against him yet was he never imprisoned apprehended distrained or brought before any Court or Magistrate He was much affected with this care of God over him and thankfully accepted and recorded it as the instance of Gods faithfulness and performance of his promise as the answer of his own faith and Prayer and as the reward of his love and Zeal and courage for God and his Church by the power whereof he lived above fears and dangers for thus he writes Apr. 16. 1655. Being Lords day In the morning I awaked with that Scripture in my thoughts 1 Tim. 1. 15. I dwelt a while upon it and drew comfort and relief for my faith by the help of God I had been before under a great sense of the sinfulness of my heart The comfort I had was that Christ came to save the chief of Sinners that this was a faithful saying that it was worthy all acceptation or to be embraced by every one and that this Salvation was from sin as well as from hell Math. 1. 21. Considering whether he would save me as I was going to wash in the morning I was satisfied from Joh. 6. 37. Him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out It being then a time of danger as to the keeping of my Meetings because many Souldiers were in Town I being dubious whether I should admit the people to come to my house when I considered that Christ took it as an act of Love to feed his sheep Joh. 21. 15. and that he exposed himself to Death to save me and bring under a sense of the Comfort that the Lord had given me in the morning in my Meditations on the 1 Tim. 1. 15. I was willing to adventure my self on the Providence of God Sept. 19. As I was Expounding in my Family the 91 Psalm on a day of Humiliation I was much encouraged to go on in my Calling notwithstanding the difficulties that attend the same by reason of many Adversaries from v. 11 12 13. Though the Adversaries to private Meetings and the Preaching of Non-Conformists be of several sorts as strong as Lions as full of venom as the Dragon such as are greedy of and roar after the prey like the young Lion as subtle and pertinacious and obstinate in their way as the Adder of which see Ps 58. 4 5. yet the Angels have a charge to keep us in all our ways and the promise is that we shall trample these under our feet This promise gave me courage whilst at Colchester and I saw it made good for I went on in my Calling and had no harm from them I observed also in reading Dan. 6. 23. the power of Faith to deliver out of great and imminent danger Daniel is cast into a Den of hungry Lions yet no manner of hurt is found upon him because he believed in his God Sept. 22. In my Family exercise as I was reading Ps 146. 9. The Lord preserveth the Strangers my Faith received strength I enjoyed much peace and security in Colchester I had met with no molestation either from the Town or County but being come into a strange place where I was not known and had no friends to shelter or speak for me I apprehended my self to walk in more danger than before this word The Lord preserveth the Strangers did help my dependance upon God Oct. 28 1666. Being Sabbath day I went forth to Preach at Manitree In the morning before I went the Lord gave in that promise Isa 55. 12. Ye shall be led forth with peace It being a time of trouble and danger for Non-conformists to Preach publickly the promise was the
something to it before Prayer often exhorting his family to a reverend demeanor of themselves in the worship of God and would be much troubled when he understood or discerned any thing to the contrary Once a week for the most part he did catechise both Children and servants either out of the Assemblies or his own Scriptural Catechism and explained it to them And once a fortnight if not diverted by urgent occasion he went over some principle of Religion opening and explaining it in a Catiehistical way which his Children and Servants were to give him an account of the next fortnight and when they had so done he proceeded to another principle and thus he did from time to time What sermons the Youth of the family heard upon the Lords day or at any other time they gave an account thereof to him as they could remember He kept private days of Humiliation with his family as often as he could gain opportunity for it on which days he would if not prevented deal particularly with every one or as many as he had time for that was under his charge about the matters of their Souls And took care that all in his family should call upon God and Pray to him in secret as well as be present at family duty And when any of his Brethren came to vsit him He was not willing to let them depart without Prayer His Family was an house of Prayer These his labours in his family God blessed and succeeded to the Spiritual good of several that came under his roof He was most tenderly conscientious in keeping holy the Sabbath day whereof he was a strict observer and took care that all under his roof should do the same He kept a very severe watch not only over his words and actions but his very thoughts also Quickly reflecting thereon not only when vain and sinful but when impertinent to the holiness and duty of the day whereof he hath left the following testimonies April 29. 1666. My heart was much out of frame upon the Lords day full of vain and Sinful thoughts As I was going to prayer in the Afternoon alone God brought to remembrance Ps 40. 12 17. Innumerable evils have Compassed me about mine iniquities have taken hold upon me so that I am not able to look up yet the Lord thinketh upon me This was a stay to me Apr. 4. I went forth on several occasions None of them succeeded The first Contrivance of that journey was cast into my thoughts on the Lords day in a time of prayer I laid it aside till Monday and then considered further of it and saw it convenient for the best ordering of my affairs But not humbling my soul for those contrivances so unseasonably arising in my mind I was crossed in them Hereupon I determined for time to come when any thoughts or contrivances about ordering my affairs were cast into my mind on Lords days or on other days in time of holy duties to lay them aside till a more convenient time and if upon deliberation that way of ordering my affairs seems best which was cast into my mind in time of holy duties I would not hereupon neglect that way lest Satan should get advantage of me but I would first humble my Soul for its wanderings and suffering such thoughts to arise so unseasonably and took to Christ for pardon of the irregularities of my heart and then not fear to order my affairs in that way that seems most agreeable to reason and neerest the rule of Gods word though the Contrivance was first cast into my mind at an unseasonable time Having a letter of Spiritual advice and Counsel to write to a friend and having no spare time but on the Lords day to do it I was doubtful whether I might spend some part of that day on such imployment As I was musing on my bed what I had best do that Scripture came to my mind Rev. 1. 10 11. I was in the Spirit on the Lords day and I heard a Voice saying what thou seest Write in a Book and send it to the seven Churches Whence I Concluded it to be Lawful to write as well as read hear meditate and discourse of spirital matters on the Lords day His Charity had no less measure than the rest of his Graces which he accounted one of the best characters of a Christian Lamenting sometimes the divisions among Professors of religion he would say He did not value a Christian by his great knowledg and eminent parts but by his great Charity and Love to his Brethren This he extended to various Sorts of objects as Towards those who were at difference one with another He was an industrious peace-maker offering himself to interpose to make up the breach taking journeys when at distance in order to it Towards those that had difference with himself about worldly concernes from which he was not altogether free though altogether innocent when he suffered wrong by any his care was that they should suffer none by him or his either in word or deed always practising himself and counselling others to do good against evil He would make the best construction that was possible of the words and actions of his adversaries often making mention of that Scripture 1 Cor. 13. 5. Charity thinketh no evil Towards his Friends his Friendship was hearty ingenuous faithful and open He received them into his house gladly entertained them liberally conversed with them cheerfully sympathised with them in their afflictions affectionately and served them as he had occasion industriously Towards those that persecuted him and others for Conscience and Religions sake he observed the command of Christ Math. 5. 44. He affcctionately pitied them and prayed for them daily And when he heard any passionate expressions against them for their violence and unrighteousness he would be offended and charge people to pray more earnestly for them and seek opportunities to do them good Towards those that dissented from him in the matters of God he had a Spirit of meekness and forbearance embracing all with Christian Love whose practice did not destroy their profession of Christianity Colchester was a very divided place when he was called thither upon the account of diverse persuasions yet he so behaved himself with all humility modiration tenderness Brotherly kindness aad Charitable judgment that they were generally united in their respects and esteem for him And though he could not with Satisfaction to his Conscience conform to all that the Law required yet he judged many that did to be very Good men and had a real Honour for them Towards the poor and such as were reduced to streights and difficulties in this world he was pitiful and bountiful He devised liberall things and drew out his Soul to the hungry In the exercise whereof he observed our Saviours rule Math. 6. 1 2 3. This indeed was one of his secrets which he always industriously concealed as much as he could Yet variety of objects bare
my Spirit from those words of the Prophet Isa 40. 27. Why sayest thou O Jacob and speakest O Israel my way is hid from the Lord and my judgment is passed over from my God And did encourage my Soul still to hope in God and wait for his strength from the following words v. 28 29. 31. Hast thou not known hast thou not heard if thou hast not known it by experience having found his everlasting Arms under thee for thy support yet hast thou not at least heard it that the everlasting God the Lord the Creator of the ends of the Earth fainteth not neither is weary He giveth power to the faint c. Continue thou therefore O my Soul to wait upon the Lord. Lord what an accursed hard heart have I that sin which grieves thee Gen. 6. 6. thy Son Mar. 3. 5. thy Spirit Eph. 4. 30. should not grieve me that sin which wearieth thee Isa 43. 24. should not be a burden to me that I should not be troubled for want of thy Presence when as the hiding of thy face made our Saviour cry out My God my God why hast thou forsaken me That Eternity and Judgment to come should make no impression upon me that I can hear yea speak of thy Word thy wrath c. and yet not fear thee not tremble at thy Word nor at this my Condition Feb. 19. Being Sabbath day Having formerly perceived a desperate hardness in my heart that that Word which works upon others should do me no good that no means no mercies did melt my Soul and almost despairing of ever having it softened After Prayer I was encouraged from the Lord in reading Mr. Hooker upon Act. 2. 37. who from those words When they heard these things they who had Crucified our Lord Christ were pricked at the heart raiseth this observation It is possible even for the most stubborn sinner to get a broken heart And now O my Soul Why art thou cast down Is not the Lord greater than thy heart Can Satan be more malicious to destroy thee than the Lord is merciful to save thee Yet the actings of my Faith hereupon are but faint Upon Examination of my self I have sometimes found that to mine own sense and feeling I have been altogether void of any love or fear of God and that I have been at such a time as unable to work up my heart into the Love and fear of God as to say to this Mountain Be thou removed and cast into the Sea Such wonderful deadness hath seised upon my Soul so greatly have I been enslaved and held captive by Satan that I have not been able truly to desire the Spirit of God O that my heart could bleed at the remembrance of this great evil that I should not only be cut off from Communion with God but be contented with this condition that I should have no groanings in Spirit to be delivered from this miserable bondage Be instructed hence O my Soul to ascribe every good motion to God if thou feelest any hungrings after Jesus Christ or any sorrow for want of Gods presence or the like own it as his work and bless him for it I have sometimes found my condition much like the man mentioned Joh. 5. who lay a long time by the pool of Bethesda but was not able to put himself in that he might be healed even so it is with my Soul Though God hath opened a Fountain for sin and for uncleanness to wash in and I find my Soul exceedingly polluted yet I am not able to step into this Fountain that I may be healed O my Soul the Lord seeth thy weakness and that thou hast been now a long time in this case wait thou on God Who can tell but that as the Bowels of Jesus Christ did yearn towards the poor man so may his Compassions be great towards thee and he may heal thee also Cease not to importune him saying Jesus thou Son of God have mercy on me O Lord heal my Soul Having at several times found diverse workings upon my heart as Convictions and thereupon some pantings and breathings after God but as yet nothing come to perfection I thought of and found that I had cause to take up the complaint of Hezekiah in another case It is a day of trouble and rebuke the Children are come to the Birth and there is no strength to bring forth Isa 37. 3. Some time after reading Isa 66. it seemed to me that that word v. 9. was suited to my Case Shall I bring to the Birth and not cause to bring forth saith the Lord Shall I cause to bring forth and shut the Womb saith thy God O my Soul wait thou on God who will perfect his own work in thee He hath said He will not break the bruised Reed nor quench the smoking Flax till he sent forth judgment unto Victory I have oftimes seen a Law in my Members warring against the Law of my mind and leading me into Captivity to the Law of sin and death So powerful and mighty have been the Actings of some inward corruptions that I have not been able to overcome them but have been hurried Captive by them Hereby I come to see that truth the heart of man is desperately wicked who can know it I cannot fathom the depth of iniquity which is in my heart Hereupon I am made to cry out with St. Paul O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of Death O Lord be not thou far from me but make hast to help me Let the sighing of the Prisoner come before thee proclaim liberty to thy Captive and the opening of the Prison door to him that is bound with the Chain of sin Isa 61. 1. Mar. 26. 1654. I find that though in my judgment and Profession I acknowledge Christ to be my Righteousness and Peace yet upon Examination I observe that my heart hath done quite another thing and that secretly I have gone about to Establish my own Righteousness and have derived my Comfort and Peace from my own Actings For when I have been disquieted by the Actings of my sin that which hath recovered me to my former Peace hath not been that I could find God speaking Peace through the blood of Christ but rather from the intermission of temptation and the cessation of those sins when I have been troubled at an evil frame of heart I do not find that the Righteousness of Christ hath been my Consolation but that which hath relieved me as far as I can find was that afterward I found my self in a better temper Having been in trouble and perplexity I have read the Scripture gone to Prayer and in doing these I have been relieved yet I do not find that at such times I had real true living Communion with God in such duties or that the Spirit of God did in those duties reveal to me my interest in Christ and so quiet my Conscience Hence I come to see
what great need I have and that it is of singular use to watch over my Soul in all its ways both in reference to sin that I fall not into it and when fallen what the Carriage and Actings of my Soul are at such a time Whether I flee for relief to God in Christ or to my own works And in reference to my duties to take heed lest those means which God hath appointed to be the conveyances of himself his Son and Spirit and all Spiritual blessings should prove to me a mean of Death and Separation from God by my formal use of them and resting in them For as Satan keeps some alienated from God by the gross pollutions of the world So others from Christ by their Establishing a Righteousness of their own O Lord break thou this snare for me and let my Soul escape as a bird from the Net that I may flee to thee and be at rest I have observed in my self that when God at any time is pleased to work any thing in my Soul I soon lose it if he quicken me I soon grow dead hearted again if he enliven my affections they soon grow cold and flat and my old hardness returns upon me Hence I come to see that it is infinite Wisdom and Goodness in God that he hath not put the stock of grace into our own hands but hath treasured it up in Christ that our life is now hid with Christ in God for so it becomes sure Rom. 4. 16. hereby also I come to see that I have need of continual recourse to Jesus Christ for new supplies of grace and strength The Lord God in his wisdom was pleased when he delivered his people out of Egypt before he brought them to Canaan to lead them 40 years in the wilderness when as he could have led them a nearer way to Canaan Exod. 13. 17. He chose rather to lead them through the great and terrible Wilderness Jer. 2. 6. where were fiery Serpents and Scorpions and drought where there was no water where he brought them forth water out of the Rock of Flint and fed them with Manna for this end that he might humble them prove them and do them good in the latter end Deut. 8. 15 16. Doest thou find it so O my Soul in thy travail towards the Heavenly Canaan Doest thou walk through much Spiritual drought a land of deserts and of the shadow of death Dost meet with a flinty heart and fiery temptations Know that the Lord doth this to humble thee which through his grace thou hast sometimes found and to prove thee i. e to discover thee to thy self for he himself knows thy thoughts afar off and this way of God through grace hath been a means of discovering much of thy corrupt heart to thee and that he may doe thee good in the latter end Therefore take heed O my Soul of Israel's sins of murmuring against God under thy wants of unbeleif and tempting God c. Read oft and weight well the 78th Psalm May 6. being Sabbath day The Lord was pleased in the hearing of his word to convince me of my sin and lost condition But Lord How unfaithful was I then and have I been since to the Convictions of thy Spirit How soon have I healed up the wound that was given by the word How soon hath an hard heart a secure careless Spirit taken possession of me Lord If ever thy word be effectual in me thou must not only speak it to my heart but write and engraff it there also Henceforth I desire to wait on thee as for the teachings of thy Spirit so for the writing of thy Law in my heart by thy Spirit I found a lothness in my Spirit to go to here this Sermon whereby I perceive Satan would have hindred me Be encouraged hence O my Soul to break through all difficulties thou meetest with in doing thy duty When thou findest any secret unwillingness to ordinances or duties then stir up thy self to wait upon God expecting that he hath some special mercy for thee which Satan would hinder thee off Jun. 1. This day the Lord did in the hearing of his word revive some convictions which have formerly been upon my Spirit though in a very languid manner I stood convinced before the Lord of unbelief and that I was a lost creature because thereof from the words of our Saviour Joh. 3. 18. He that believeth not is Condemned already Conscience tells me that I am yet in unbelief that I want that faith which is accompanied with the new birth Joh. 1. 12 13. that faith which should purge me from Atheism formality and resting in duties from hypocrisie and deadness from unclean affections and inordinate Love of the world from a vain mind and a light Spirit that faith which should purifie my heart from these and the like evils Act. 15. 9. that faith which should make Christ a greater Reality and more precious to me than any thing in the world 1 Pet. 2. 7. that faith which brings peace with God and joy in the Holy Ghost unspeakable and full of Glory Rom. 5. 1. 1 Pet. 1. 8. I find I have had a dead faith Jam. 2. 17 20. and presumed upon Gods Mercy in Christ although I have been estranged from God in my heart and Nature my Resting in duties and trusting in my own Righteousness as far as I can see hath been the deceit of my heart Lord lay this conviction upon my Conscience for I find my heart would put it off yea it hath already desperately hardned it self against thee I fear I shall out-grow this Conviction of thy word as at other times I feel a careless Spirit that would make light of Eternity and of Jesus Christ Lord break my heart under thy word for my unbelief and neglect of Christ Let me not heal my self but wait till thou shalt heal me Thou didst help the unbelief of thy Servant Thomas Oh that thou wouldest help mine also The Lord hath shewn me that I am dead in sin not only from the testimony of his word Eph. 2. 1. Col. 2. 13. but by inward experience For I feel my self alienated from the life of God cut off from communion with the Lord Jesus separate from God and his blessed Spirit My deceitful heart hath often gone about to repel this conviction and hath caused me sometimes to mistake a life of morality for Spiritual life and at other times a life of formality But now I find the Scripture speaks of dead works and calls for repentance from them Heb. 6. 1. and purging our consciences from them Heb. 9. 14. By dead works I understand not only the gross pollutions of the World but all works whatever that are done by a man void of the quickning Spirit of God Without Union to Christ there is no Spiritual life for as the natural life results from the Union of the Soul with the body and the State of death is nothing but the
disunion and Separation of the Soul from the body so our spiritual life results from the Souls Union with Christ and spiritual death is our separation from him Now I feel my self as a poor withered branch cut off from this Vine unacquainted with the actings of this Spiritual life as living by faith Serving God in Spirit Mortifying Sin by the Spirit walking in the Spirit loving God above all things and seeking his Glory in all things I have sometimes Prayed against sin resolving against it striven with it avoided occasions thereto all which a natural man may do but sin hath returned upon me and overcome me How to fetch power from Christs death to mortifie sin how to believe in God for subduing it how to do it by the Spirit these have been mysteries to me Lord When shall the day dawn and the Day-Star arise in my heart When shall the Day-spring from on high visit my Soul to give light to him that sits in darkness and in the shadow of death Come Lord Jesus thou light of life Come quickly That which kept me a long time from resolving to give up my whole heart to God in Covenant was a fear that I should break my Covenant and so double my sin But I perceive since that this was but Satans policy to keep my heart from God and the true ground of my not doing this was not conscienciousness of sin as Satan once made me believe but a loathness to part with all sin and to serve God with all my heart A Strong encouragement thou hast O my Soul to enter Covenant with God to serve him with thy whole heart from that portion of his Word which thou didst read this morning May. 11. 1654. in Jer. 30. 21 22. Who is this that engaged his heart to approach unto me saith the Lord Ye shall be my people and I will be your God Since my Covenanting with God I come to see more fully the truth of that place Rom. 8. 7. The carnal mind is enmity against God is not subject to the Law of God neither indeed can be For I find a Loathness to walk closely with God yea under a profession of Religion my carnal heart hath been at enmity to the power and life of it and this enmity hath lyen hid under and been covered with a performance of some duties which have not been destructive to that evil principle that hath lived in me Yea I find my carnal heart is hungring after the flesh-pots of Egypt after its old delights and sinful pleasures is ready to murmur against God in the wilderness and speaks of returning into Egypt and being impatient of the cross it revolts from God many a time and seeks relief and contentment from the creature Since my Covenanting with God I see more of thee treachery and hypocrisie of my heart I found my Soul for a while more tender of Sin and my heart seemingly engaged to serve the Lord. but I soon forgot the covenant that I had made and in a short space I did not find that my Covenanting had any influence on my heart or life So that I see I did but flatter the Lord with my mouth and lyed unto him with my tongue for my heart was not right with him neither was I stedfast in his Covenant Ps 78. 36 37. My unstedfastness in my Covenant with the Lord did arise as far as I perceive from these two grounds 1. My heart was not right with God when I made it there was not that inward cordial full resolution to part with all Sin and that for ever from an antipathy to it and dislike of it neither that inward resolution of cleaving to God to have him my All in All to take all my contentment and joy in him and to seek it in nothing else which should have been 2. I neglected my watch and did not as I should renew my Covenant often and engage my heart to walk with God and while I was slothful and negligent my heart was stolen away by the Devil and the World and is now in league again with Sin Lord make me upright and clear up to me my Sincerity Search me and try me and let me know the bottom of my heart Keep me upon my watch and guard that I may keep my Covenant Jul. 23. The Lord did awaken my Consience to such a sense of my sin and lost estate in the reading and hearing of his Word that when I went to Prayer I was before him as a lost creature being under wrath and the sentence of death lying in my blood and pollution Now whereas before I found my heart carried out in begging Sanctification I did now cry to God for the blood of Christ to wash away the guilt of my sin I did not before prize Justifying Grace so as now in some weak measure I was made to doe But I soon found an accursed hard heart in a little time I did not tremble at the wrath of God I have laboured to work these convictions upon my heart but I found such a roving heart such a slighty heart so possest with vanity that nothing would abide with it Lord unless thou savest me for thy mercies sake I perish Aug. 6. being Sabbath day In meditation on 1 Joh. 3. 23. This is his commandment that we should believe on the Name of his Son Jesus Christ Considering with my self what this did imply viz. not only a relying upon God in Christ for the remission of Sin but for the pouring out of the Spirit Joh. 7. 38 39. which Spirit when it is given will shed abroad the love of God in our hearts Rom. 5. 5. and seal up the assurance of the remission of our sins and witness our addoption Rom. 8 16. will mortifie sin in us v. 13. and work all the works of God in us and for us all which I want and to which I haven been a long time convinced that I am unable And Considering further that this Spirit is the free gift of God Ps 51. 12. given not according to our works but of free mercy for the sake of Christ Tit. 3. 4. 5 6. And considering further that Jesus Christ had received Gifts of which the Gift of the Spirit is intended even for the rebellious that God might dwell among them Ps 68. 18. I found my heart encouraged to wait upon the Lord for the pouring forth of his Spirit upon me that I might have my heart renewed and sanctified and the remission of my sins sealed up to my Soul Afterwards considering further that the way whereby a poor soul that hath lost Gods image comes to be renewed in heart and mind and made partaker of the divine nature is by faith in the promises 2 Pet. 1. 4. and observing how Isaac who inherits the blessing was not born by the strength of Nature but by promise and as Isaac was born through the promise so are all believers Gal. 4. 28. not of the will of man
deafness to his voice 2. To put us upon more earnest seeking of him 3. To exercise and try our graces God proportions mercies according to his delays they are the greater when given in Sarah tarried long for a Son and then had an Isaac So did Hanna but then had a Samuel So Elizabeth but then had a John my heart rejoyced at this hoping that God would give an high degree of brokenness of heart in his own due time though at present my heart were hard And I remembred how hard Mr. Bradfords heart was once as to his own sense and how eminent he was afterward for tenderness as M. Fox Relates God was very good this day But Oh! how vile and sinful was I I felt a very proud vain-glorious heart both in hearing and after Sermon was done But the Lord chastised me for it For at night when I Preached in the Chappel the Lord forsook me I found no assistance of his Spirit either in Prayer or Preaching but was much confounded in both having little or no sense of the things I spake of or prayed for We read of Naaman 2 King 5. 11. that he expected a Miraculous way of cure I thought said he he will surely come out and stand and call on the Name of the Lord his God and strike his hand over the place and recover the Leper So have I found my self apt to expect that the Spirit of God should mortifie and subdue sin in me without my striving against it But I have learned it is the will of God that I should strive against sin as well as pray and wait for his Spirit Gods working in us to will and to do excludes not our endeavouring Phil. 2. 12 13. Having promises let us cleanse our selves 2 Cor. 7. 1. Octob. 17. I was immoderate in the use of the Creatures and though checked and reproved from within yet I persisted At night when I walked in my Chamber considering what I had done I was sad and said to God Lord I have Rebelled against thee I had no sooner said it in my heart but immediately that word was brought to me Dan. 9. 9. To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgivenesses he will forgive again and again though we have Rebelled against him O the wonderful goodness of God! be amazed O my Soul at this Love Now I saw the promise Isa 65. 24. before they call I will answer and whilst they are yet speaking I will hear made good to me In the evening on my Bed considering on this Love of God whence it should come to pass that the Lord should deal thus graciously with me it was answered me from Mic. 7. 18. He passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage because he delighteth in mercy Next morning at my first awaking the Spirit of God brought that Scripture into my thoughts Ps 65. 3. Iniquities prevail against me as for our trangressions thou shalt purge them away It came to me with some life and power and was very sutable to my Condition Oh the Goodness of God! the Riches of his Grace that he should so soon come into my relief and raise my Soul by his promise this is mercy never to be forgotten Sept. 28. In meditation I found the Lord drawing forth my heart to close with Christ I was convinced that God was willing to bestow his Son upon me because he did not only invite me Isa 55. 1. and Command me 1 Joh. 3. 23. but even beseech and entreat me to receive Christ 2 Cor. 5. 20. I was further convinced of Gods real intention and willingness to give me his Son from his patient waiting and long-suffering in expecting my return even after much deafness to the voice of his Spirit and dallying with his Grace he still offers his Son to me yea he presseth in upon me with the renewing of good motions and affections which I have quenched Now whence is all this but from the Love and mercy of God that he should be thus willing to have me take his Son Now who am I that I should withstand God Why should I forsake my own Mercies Lord thou hast shewn me that my former revoltings shall not hinder this thy mercy if I will acknowledge my sin renounce my self return unto thee and embrace thy Son Jer. 3. 12 13. O Lord I thankfully accept thy offer of Grace I come unto thee Oh give me thy Son behold I give thee my self Let me be Espoused to the Lord Jesus I am willing through grace to take up my Cross to deny my self and to follow thee Nov. 1. Having set apart that day to seek the Lord and to humble my Soul before him I could not get my heart to be afflicted and mourn under sin but found much lightness in Prayer the Lord hid his face and did not come in to my poor Soul with his quickning presence So that I lay in a poor desolate forsaken condition under much confusion yet in the evening a little before going to bed seeking the Lord again I was revived in reading Psal 40. especially v. 17. I am poor and needy yet the Lord thinketh upon me c. and next morning in reading Psal 9. 10. 18. Thou Lord hast not forsaken them that seek thee The needy shall not alway be forgotten the expectation of the poor shall not perish for ever I was thereby encouraged still to wait and hope O Lord I have sought thee withhold not thou thy tender Mercies from me How long wilt thou hide thy face from me O when wilt thou come unto me Make hast to help me O my God I am poor and needy O let me not be forgotten for ever let not my expectation perish for ever and now O Lord what is my expectation It is even this the giving in of mercy and grace through the Lord Jesus pardoning mercy and renewing grace It is the pouring out of thy Spirit the taking away the heart of Stone and giving an heart of flesh it is an heart to know thee to fear thee to love thee and obey thee c. Dec. 6. Being in trouble and distress of Spirit because the Lord hid his face and withdrew himself from me I went in the poverty of my Spirit to Trinity Lecture and with some expectation to meet with God in his own Ordinance The Lord was gracious to me and spake Comfort to me from his Word I see it is good to wait upon God though he send the Rich empty away yet he filleth the hungry with good things My Soul was glad and rejoyced for a season But going into the Country the same day among friends and variety of worldly Affairs I lost something of the savour and relish which the good Word of God left upon me And I found palpably my Soul resting in those Comforts which I had received and growing secure and careless from whence the Lord gave me this Instruction That I am a poor silly wretch knowing neither how
to want nor how to abound apt to murmur and repine in Straits and to be lifted up and grow secure in Enlargements O Lord in every Condition I need thy grace to teach me how to behave my self O shew me thy way and lead me therein for thy Name-sake Also the Lord taught me hence that I ought to be patient under his hand when he hideth his Face and to resign up my will to his Will inasmuch as I do not know what is good for my self The Lord seeth I should be worse it may be if I enjoyed more than I do and therefore in wisdom and mercy he keeps me in a low Condition My confusion sometimes hath been so great that I have been so unsetled and at such a loss in my Soul that I knew not what to do all former workings have been questioned and judged as nothing In the hour of such temptation the Lord taught me besides Prayer and searching into my Soul to have recourse to former experiences Psal 77. 10 11. and Psal 85. Octob. 11. In the morning I bewailed it before God that I was still at a loss to know whether I loved him and after Prayer I read 1 Joh. 2 ch and I was made in a more special manner to take notice of v. 5. Whoso keepeth his word in him verily is the love of God perfected Me-thought I saw God Answering my Prayer and telling me out of this word that I loved him In him verily 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 it is a sure sign of Love to God we need not doubt of it if we keep his Word Now if I know my own heart I desire to do so if the Love of God be perfected in him that keeps his Word then surely it is begun in him that desires and endeavours to keep his Word Jan. 25. The Lord helped me with Tears to bewall mine abominations even my Original and actual sins my formality Earthliness alienation from him c. therein he did remember and fulfil that gracious promise Ezek. 36. 31. I found Godly sorrow sweet not only in the root and fountain thereof it being a Covenant blessing but in the very Actings of it Feb. 2. In the Evening upon my Bed the Lord did graciously melt my heart in the sight of sin under this Consideration that it was against infinite Love I was ashamed confounded and abashed because I had so long slighted neglected Rebelled against a God of Love My Soul even trembled at it Jan. 15. 1655. Having been the day before with one under great Temptations and hearing of another under a wounded Spirit my heart was melted in Prayer whilst I was praising God for his long patience in the days of my sinning and his tenderness and gentleness towards me in my Conversion Jan. 16. I found my heart drawn out to a recumbence on Jesus Christ The Spirit saith Come Rev. 22. 17. Christ saith Come Joh. 7. 37. And the Father saith Come Mat. 22. 4. And who am I O Lord that I should gainsay such Invitations Behold O Lord I come and put my trust in thee Jan. 26. I Preached twice and had very gracious assistance much beyond expectation in the week before I was much indisposed and could not get my heart to a setled meditation of what I was to speak I was under a great sense of my impotency and laboured in the fire till Saturday Afternoon when I cried to the Lord he was gracious to me and Answered me After my work was over I was much assaulted with Spiritual Pride I saw plainly the reason of Gods delaying his Assistance and giving me such sense of my weakness was to keep me humble Every way O Lord I see my own vileness when thou withdrawest from me then my heart dieth and my strength fails and I am ready to be froward When thou enlargest me then I am ready to be puffed up Oh pardon and purge away all my sin for thy Names sake Mar. 23. In Singing the 15 th Psalm I found Comfort my Conscience bearing me witness that I laboured after those things which are set down as Characters of a Citizen of the New Jerusalem Sept. 28. I had sweet Meditations upon my Bed I found God in my morning Prayer also in private and assistance in Preaching but not such an influence of the Spirit in publick Prayer as I have sometimes found Yet I had begged of God that he would give me his presence in publick as a token that he accepted of me and my work but he withdrew I feared hereupon that I had tempted God and sinned in begging new signs of his favour when I had had such great experience of his goodness many times before Lord forgive the sin of thy Servant Nov. 23. Examining my self about a work of Grace I had some Comfort from Ps 40. 8. Delight in doing the will of God is an Argument of the Law written in the heart Now I found that I had a delight especially in some duties as visiting the Sick comforting of distressed Consciences c. I was somewhat terrified from that word in Job ch 42. 7. I was afraid least in my Preaching I should sometimes speak those things of God that were not right and soon after going to Prayer I was in time of Prayer comforted from Joh. 16. 13. The Spirit shall guide you into all truth Dec. 7. I found the Lord very much Answering my Prayer in giving very gracious and powerful Assistance both in Prayer and Preaching at Trinity Lecture on Sabbath day I may say as Jaber 1 Chron. 4. 10. who said Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed and be with me And God granted my request The next morning there came a woman to me and said she was troubled at the Sermon that she could scarce sleep all night for she bad not gone so far as the Scribes and Pharisees and that which added to the mercy was God kept me humble after this enlargement Mar. 31. 1657. I had a very evident Answer of Prayer I was at a pinch for some money I begged of God that I might be supplied and that Afternoon one to whom I had lent a little money brought it me which was enough for my present necessities the Circumstances were very remarkable I sought the Lord also to be with the Parish in the choice of their Church-Wardens and there were those two chosen whom if I had had the Nomination I should have chosen my self Apr. 21. I kept a day of Fast to the Lord. I found God graciously with me in Prayer the chief thing that I propounded was to seek direction as to my Preaching on Week-days Among other things I begged of God a supply of my wants being in some straits for want of money That very night one brought me 10 s. for Preaching a Funeral Sermon which I expected not and the next morning the Church-Wardens of St. Andrews Parish brought me 7 l. and upwards whereby I was sufficiently supplied I could not but take notice of
an evident Answer of Prayer and a fulfilling of that promise Prov. 28. 27. He that giveth unto the poor shall not lack April 24. Being desired to go to a poor Christian I promised to go there being only two Maids in the house I considered whether it might not prove some scandal to go but considering also she was a Member of Christ and therefore I ought to Administer to her Soul I resolved to commit the taking care of my Name to the Lord and to do my duty I begged of him that he would secure me from reproach and as I went an honest poor man met me to whom I told whither I was going and asked him to go along with me he was willing and did so I looked upon him as sent by the Providence of God in Answer to my Prayer These were some of those observations and experiences which he recorded during his continuance at Cambridge Upon his removal from thence he intermitted this practice for some years but resumed it again Octob. 1662. God put it into my heart as at other times so especially on Wednesdays the day on which I was wont to Preach my Lecture when I was not diverted by some unexpected Providence to lament after the Lord who had cast me out of my employment in his Vineyard and to seek to him for a discovery of the cause for which he contends with me and that he would shew me for what sin or sins he hath sent this sad affliction and that he would give me a sanctified use thereof by purging out my sins and making me more holy and that he would restore me again to some employment in his Vineyard when and where it shall seem good in his sight Being sad and dejected because I had sinned now I was under the afflicting hand of God I was very much revived by Isa 57. 17 18. I smote him he went on in the way of his own heart I have seen his ways and will heal him Having afterward sinned again and been over-powred by a corruption which had oft prevailed over me I was caused to observe from that Scripture further that it was not only a single Act of sin which was committed but he went on in the way of his heart and God saith I have seen his ways and will heal him It was a stay to my Faith Here I observe what I have often found viz. 1. Dejection is a fore-runner of Consolation Seldom have I had trouble upon my Spirit but if I have eyed and followed after God he hath took it off by some word of promise 2. The observing and pondering of every word and Circumstance in a promise is of great use as it hath been to me 3. God openeth his promises gradually sometimes hinting and discovering one thing and then another in the promise Being foiled by sin I was raised to my former hope and affiance in God by Phil Children of God till the coming of Christ Being another time foiled with the same corruption and my heart sinking in a despondent frame I was much revived from Jam. 4. 5. 6. He giveth more grace Where I saw that even our strongest sins such as our corrupt natures are most prone to and are deeply rooted in our hearts and Spirits are conquerable by Gods grace Being troubled that I had sinned against God under his Correcting hand and having thereby lost my former Comfort which God had spoken to my Soul after my former backslidings I sighed over the great Treachery and unstedfastness of my heart and casting about in my thoughts where I should find a sutable word to fix on God brought to my remembrance Isa 48. 8 9. I knew that thou wouldest deal very Treacherously for my Names sake will I defer my Anger While I was musing and pondering hereon and had new hope put into me the Lord let in further Comfort and encouragement from vers 10 11. which is rendred by Piscat Behold I will refine thee and I will make thee a choice one in the furnace of affliction for mine own sake even for mine own sake will I do it Which gave me abundant refreshment and did marvellously strengthen my hope in God This was given me in when I had set apart some time to humble my Soul Apr. 5. 1665. I set apart that day for Fasting and Prayer on behalf of my Daughter Elianor that had been so long sick and in the Evening had my Faith revived from Isa 44. 3 I will pour my Spirit upon thy seed Apr. 7. I began the day with discourse with some Friends before I had been at my private Communion with God I met with a gentle Rebuke from the Providence of God in my Family Affairs and my heart was flat in Family duty and straitned in private I took this as an Item to begin with God before I converse with men In the Evening God came in graciously to me in my Family Exercise Apr. 9. Lords day I was much discomposed in my Spirit in the Morning by reason of a foil sin had given me the Evening before Satan would have boat me off from Preaching in my Family but I performed my Morning exercise and continued dejected till the Evening and then in Family Prayer God graciously revived me with that promise Hos 11. 10. They shall walk after the Lord in Connexion with vers 7. my people are bent to backsliding though they called them to the most high none at all would exalt him Where two things were a great relief to my Faith 1. God promiseth they should walk after him notwithstanding their habitual proness to backslide from God 2. Notwithstanding their refusing to exalt the Lord though called to it Yet within a little time I was again foiled by my corruption which made me see what a poor creature I was it left of God to my self May. 8. At eleven of the Clock at night my daughter Elianor died after a long Sickness God gave me several opportunities of recommending her Soul to him in prayer at some whereof my heart was much affected and my faith and hope acted on God for the eternal welfare of her Soul which made her departure easie to me My grounds were Gen. 17. I will establish my Covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee for an everlasting Covenant to be a God to thee and thy seed after thee I considered that this Covenant is to give life Mal. 2. 5. And whereas the thoughts of the Child 's Original and actual Sins as frowardness c. might make me fearful of its estate It was brought to my mind that the Covenant is to give pardon of sin Heb. 8. 10 12. And whereas faith and regeneration are necessary to Salvation I considered further that the Covenant is to give all things necessary to Salvation 2 Sam. 23. 5. this is all my Salvation Besides the Consideration of the Covenant God gave me other encouragements to hope in reference to my Child as from Math. 19. 14.
Suffer little Children to come unto me and from observing how prevalent faith and Prayer is with God for the remission of sins and salvation of others as well as our own souls Math. 9. 2. Jesus seeing their faith said Son be of good cheer thy sins be forgiven thee So 1 Joh. 5. 16. If a man see his Brother sin a sin which is not unto death he shall ask of God and he shall give him life Now I Considered that though my child had sins incident to Childhood yet it had not sinned the sin unto death and therefore I concluded that if I asked of God he would give it life Jam. 5. 15. The Prayer of faith shall save the sick and if he hath commited sins they shall be forgiven him Math. 15. 22 28. The woman of Canaan's faith and Prayer availed with Christ for the Casting the Devil out of her daughter Now God helping me to act faith for my child upon the account of his covenant and stiring me by his Spirit often to pray for my Child I was thereby encouraged to hope for its Salvation When my Child died the same day the small Pox began to appear upon my Sister I knew not what breaches God might be about to make in my family but as I was hearing the word the Ministers treating on Gods intention to glorifie himself by all afflictions that he laid upon his people from that Scripture Isa 5. 15 16. this word Satisfied me that whatever judgments God should bring upon me or my family he would exalt and glorifie his own Name by them hereupon I submitted and resigned up my self to God to do with me and mine what he pleased Yet I was then under the sense of sin which weakned my faith and made me fearful I should not bear up chearfully if I should be visited while under the sense of guilt But I was much encouraged in meditation from Mic. 7. 8 9. When I sit in darkness the Lord will be a light unto me This faith they held when their affliction was attended with the sense of sin for it followeth I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him I was also much encouraged by viewing the promises that I had collected to comfort my self with when I was in danger of contagious diseases Especially those two viz Ps 41. 12. As for me thou settest me before thy face for ever and this was when under an evil disease v. 8 which was the fruit of his sin ver 4. and Ps 38. 5 7. My wounds stink and are corrupt my loyns are filled with a loathsome disease c. though in this visitation he was afflicted with the sense of sin and of Gods displeasure v. 1 2 3 4 and was deprived of the Comfortable Society of his relations and friends v. 11. yet he kept up his hope in God v. 15. In a little time after I had the sense of guilt taken off while I was studying my Sermon to remove the fears of Death Jun. 12. As I was reading Act. 6. in my Evening course by my self I observed by comparing ver 4. 7. that upon the Apostles giving themselves Continually to prayer and to the ministry of the word the number of the disciples encreased greatly in Jerusalem and a great company of the Priests were obedient to the faith I was instructed and affected with it and saw it was necessary I should pray much as well as Preach much if I would convert many Souls and that upon giving my self to prayer and to the ministry of the word I was in the most likely way to convert many Souls to Christ The Priests were the chiefest opposers of the Gospel Act. 4. 1 2. the chiefest persecuters of Christ Math. 16. 21. and 20 18. the most active in putting Christ to death Mar. 15. 10 11. Luk. 19. 47. the multitude that came to apprehend Christ were sent by the Priests Joh. 18. 3. the false witnesses were suborned by the Priests Math 26. 59. yet by the power of prayer and the word these Priests were brought in by great numbers to the faith of Christ and the obedience of the Gosple Jun. 25. about three of the Clock in the morning being Lords day my Wife was delivered of a Daughter and that morning the Lord sent a very plentiful rain The Tuesday before we kept a day of humiliation for my Wifes safe delivery and to seek the Lord for rain and the Lord gave a gracious answer to the prayers of that day both at one time Jul. 31. I saw the plague of my heart breaking out I argued against my corruption yet it overcame me and led me captive it wounded me that I should still sin against God even while under his Correcting hand My faith was revived by that Scripture Isa 57. 17 18. I Smote him he went on frowardly in the way of his own heart I have seen his ways and will heal him I was much encouraged from that word I will heal him which imports the Subduing as well as the pardoning of sin Aug. 2. I was encouraged to write something that might be useful for my generation from Jer. 36. 1 2 3 4 5. Two things especially from that Scripture did put me forward to this 1. writing of the word of God is a means to Convert souls and to lead them to repentance 2. this Command for writing was given when Jeremiah was shut up and could not preach as usually and such was my case viz I was debarred from publick preaching hereupon I apprehended God called me to write Sept. 6. Being fast day As I came from Church I received a letter from Mr. J. which acquainted me that my Son Samuel was very ill that day I spent somewhat unprofitably I was not affected as I ought with publick judgments and the misery of others and therefore it was just with God to bring affliction into my family the next day my Wife and I went over to see our Child and after we had been with it about five or six hours it died very suddenly I was troubled that I did not pray with it before it died which was occasioned by being in anothers family and my not apprehending death to be near This stroak coming soon after my removal from Colchester I communed with my heart whether I had sinned in removing from that place and my conscience did not at that time charge me with sin in removing my habitation I was Comforted in calling to mind Gods dealing with Jacob who met with many afflictions in those removes which he made at the command of God He was pursued by his Uncle put into great fear by his Brother loseth Deborah his Mothers nurse and Rachel his beloved Wife His Sons Reuben Simeon and Levi fell into foul sins c. Hence I saw that God trieth his dear Servants with sudden and sore afflictions in those places to which they have removed at the call of God Sept. 24. I enjoyed the opportunity
have the Victory even above and beyond the fears of Death If we have the same precious faith which this Apostle had let us put on also the same confidence and courage and in assurance of the Victory that Christ hath gotten for us bid an holy defiance to this enemy O Death where is thy sting O Grave where is thy Victory Was it not the end of Christs conquest to deliver his Saints not only from the hurt but from the fear of Death Would it not then be either a denial or a disparagement of Christs Victory for a Saint to live in bondage to the fear of Death That Souldier must either be very ignorant or very much a Coward who is afraid to meet his disarmed and conquered Enemy Such is the weakness and Cowardise and ought to be the shame of too many professing Christians How far do we desire to remove death from us How sad and damping are the very thoughts thereof to us What reluctance have we against the very Name of Death What trembling at the approach thereof How do we say as they Jer. 41. 8. Slay us not for we have treasures in the field of wheat and of barley and of Oil and of Honey And with Hezekiah turn to the wall and weep sore But whence is all this Is it not because we look upon death only with an eye of nature and not with the eye of faith and that we look at our dissolution more than at our resurrection Is it not because of the darkness of our Evidence and carelessness of gaining better assurance of life eternal Is it not from our inordinate affection to our worldly interest our Carnal enjoyments and relations Or is it not from the Conscience of some indulged sin which we have not effectually mortified Surely our Consciences will tell the guilty that some or all of these are the cause of our averseness lothness and fears to die But are these becoming professing Christians and worthy of the faith of the Resurrection Oh for the honour of Christs Victory for the commendation of Religion for the Conviction of Sinners for the comfort of our own souls let us shake of these clogs lay aside these weights and get above these slavish fears Improve and encourage faith against sense and carnal reason Mortifie thy inordinate affections hold a good Conscience Clear up thy interest in Christ and in the Covenant of God Have thy conversation in Heaven and from thence look for the Saviour the Lord Jesus Christ who shall change thy vile body that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body and fear not Art thou to encounter death hast thou apprehensions of its approaches towards thee And doth thy heart fail for fear hereof Hear Christ rebuking thee as sometimes he rebuked his disciples Why art thou fearful thou of little faith Let me say to thee for thy encouragement if thou beest a Christian indeed as Deborah to Barak when he was to Encounter Sisera Judg. 4. 14. Up Is not the Lord gone out before thee Hath not Christ disarmed thy Enemy and taken out its sting Hath not he overcome death and opened the doors of the grave and given thee the Victory yea Doth not the Lord go out with thee and stand by thee in this thy last conflict And is not the presence and assistance of Christ enough to encourage thee against fear Isa 43. 1. 2. saith God to Jacob Fear not when thou passest through the waters I will be with thee and v. 5. Fear not for I am with thee In the strength of which promise say with David Ds 23. 4. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death I will fear none evill for thou art with me Verily there is a power in faith It is a Victorious grace It engaged the strength of him that raised up Jesus from the dead Live then by faith and thou shalt die by faith and overcome death by faith Many witnesses can set their seal to this as a certain truth that a Christian by the improvement of grace may if not triumphanter yet at least patienter mori may be content if not rejoyce to die 4. Add for a conclusion the Apostles application in the text Thanks be to God The Victory being gotten being given the triumph is to be made We read whether they be the words of God to the Church or of the Church to God the sense is the same Isa 26. 19. Thy dead men shall live together with my dead body shall they arise for thy dew is as the dew of herbs which revives them in the spring after a Killing winter and the Earth shall cast out the Dead There 's the Victory What then awake and sing ye that dwell in the dust There is the triumph Thus Ps 30. 3. O Lord thou hast brought up my Soul from the grave then ver 12. To the end that my glory may sing prise to thee and not be silent O Lord my God I will give thanks unto thee for ever Thus again the Psalmists sings Ps 118. 14 15 17. The The Lord is my strength and Song And is become my Salvation The voice of rejoycing and Salvation is in the tabernacles of the righteous the right hand of the Lord doth valiantly c. Why I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord. Victory is always matter of rejoycing and should reflect honour upon the Conquerour We read 1 Sam. 17. Goliah of Gath that monstrous and terrible Giant cometh forth before his camp of Philistins and defieth the armies of Israel who fled from him and were sore afraid when behold David goeth out to meet him and encounters him all alone and with the Giants own sword cuts off his head and discomfits all his host Did they not then come out of all cities of Israel Chap. 18. 6 7. singing and dancing with Tabrets and joy and instruments of musick answering one another as they played and saying Saul hath slain his thousands and David his ten thousands What is it that we see Is it the Vision Rev. 6. 8. Behold a pale horse and the Name of him that sits on him is Death and Hell followeth with him and power is given unto him to kill And at this are we sore afraid Why Look again Rev. 19. 11. c. I saw Heaven opened and behold a white horse and he that sate upon him doth judge and make war in righteousness and he is clothed with a Vesture dipt in blood and his Name is called The Word of God He goeth forth Conquering and to Conquer He takes Death and Hell and casteth them into the lake of fire Come then let us Sing the Song of Moses Exod. 15. 1 2 3. The Lord is my strength and Song He is my God I will exalt him The Lord is a man of war The Lord is his Name I will sing unto the Lord for he hath triumphed gloriously the Horse and his Rider hath he cast into the