forty_o day_n after_o his_o resurrection_n and_o in_o their_o sight_n do_v ascend_v into_o heaven_n with_o the_o same_o body_n which_o be_v crucify_a upon_o the_o cross_n where_o he_o be_v set_v down_o at_o the_o right_a hand_n of_o the_o majesty_n on_o high_a and_o be_v become_v a_o glorious_a mediator_n between_o god_n and_o man_n be_v anoint_v of_o god_n to_o be_v a_o eternal_a king_n priest_n and_o prophet_n to_o the_o saint_n who_o peace_n he_o have_v purchase_v by_o the_o blood_n of_o his_o cross_n and_o i_o believe_v that_o at_o the_o last_o and_o great_a day_n the_o lord_n jesus_n when_o all_o his_o elect_n be_v gather_v in_o will_v rend_v the_o heaven_n and_o come_v down_o to_o judge_v the_o world_n in_o righteousness_n when_o all_o nation_n shall_v be_v gather_v before_o he_o even_o they_o that_o sleep_v in_o the_o dust_n of_o the_o earth_n shall_v awake_v some_o to_o everlasting_a life_n and_o some_o to_o shame_n and_o everlasting_a contempt_n and_o i_o believe_v that_o those_o which_o be_v alive_a at_o the_o come_n of_o the_o lord_n shall_v be_v catch_v up_o into_o the_o cloud_n together_o with_o those_o that_o be_v asleep_a in_o jesus_n to_o meet_v the_o lord_n in_o the_o air_n where_o they_o shall_v sit_v with_o christ_n upon_o throne_n to_o judge_v all_o the_o hypocrite_n and_o unbeliever_n to_o eternal_a damnation_n both_o of_o soul_n and_o body_n in_o hell_n where_o the_o worm_n die_v not_o and_o the_o fire_n never_o shall_v be_v out_o and_o the_o wicked_a be_v go_v into_o everlasting_a punishment_n i_o believe_v that_o the_o righteous_a shall_v enter_v into_o life_n eternal_a where_o they_o shall_v for_o ever_o be_v sing_v of_o praise_n and_o hallelujah_n to_o he_o who_o love_v they_o and_o wash_v they_o from_o their_o sin_n in_o his_o own_o blood_n these_o be_v my_o principle_n and_o i_o trust_v the_o lord_n will_v so_o fix_v i_o in_o they_o that_o i_o may_v never_o be_v toss_v too_o and_o fro_o with_o any_o contrary_a wind_n of_o doctrine_n as_o too_o many_o in_o these_o latter_a day_n be_v nay_o i_o be_o even_o at_o this_o time_n persuade_v by_o the_o lord_n that_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v lâ—d_v away_o by_o the_o error_n of_o the_o wicked_a because_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o only_o right_o inform_v my_o judgement_n concern_v these_o thing_n but_o have_v also_o give_v i_o good_a hope_n through_o grace_n that_o he_o be_v my_o father_n the_o lord_n jesus_n have_v dye_v for_o my_o sin_n and_o rise_v again_o for_o my_o justification_n and_o this_o be_v that_o which_o bring_v comfort_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o make_v i_o to_o rejoice_v though_o not_o see_v yet_o believe_v even_o with_o joy_n unspeakable_a and_o full_a of_o glory_n so_o i_o doubt_v not_o but_o the_o lord_n jesus_n my_o dear_a redeemer_n will_v so_o support_v i_o by_o his_o grace_n that_o whatsoever_o my_o condition_n have_v be_v or_o shall_v be_v here_o in_o this_o little_a moment_n of_o time_n yet_o that_o i_o shall_v not_o fail_v of_o salvation_n through_o christ_n in_o heaven_n for_o ever_o for_o in_o he_o only_o be_v my_o hope_n and_o i_o will_v make_v mention_n of_o his_o righteousness_n and_o of_o his_o only_a who_o be_v the_o lord_n my_o righteousness_n and_o therefore_o to_o he_o be_v all_o the_o glory_n give_v now_o and_o for_o evermore_o amen_n this_o confession_n of_o my_o faith_n and_o my_o experience_n be_v write_v in_o a_o time_n of_o sweet_a peace_n my_o reason_n why_o i_o write_v they_o be_v these_o 1._o because_o former_o when_o i_o have_v enjoy_v the_o sweet_a presence_n of_o god_n and_o be_v for_o the_o time_n fill_v with_o rejoice_v yet_o when_o god_n have_v withdraw_v the_o light_n of_o his_o countenance_n from_o i_o i_o present_o fall_v to_o question_v all_o the_o deal_n of_o god_n with_o i_o and_o so_o dishonour_v god_n by_o my_o unbelief_n so_o that_o now_o be_v under_o the_o sense_n of_o love_n and_o be_v desirous_a for_o the_o time_n to_o come_v to_o glorify_v god_n more_o in_o the_o great_a work_n of_o unbelieving_a i_o write_v down_o my_o experience_n hope_v they_o may_v be_v sweet_a support_n to_o i_o in_o a_o time_n of_o darkness_n 2._o my_o desire_n to_o treasure_n up_o the_o experience_n which_o i_o have_v have_v of_o god_n goodness_n to_o i_o be_v â—â—other_n reason_n why_o i_o write_v they_o know_v â—w_o apt_a i_o be_o to_o let_v slip_v out_o of_o my_o rememâ—â—ance_n that_o which_o be_v good_a 3._o i_o have_v be_v often_o call_v upon_o to_o see_v that_o â—y_a principle_n be_v right_a and_o to_o make_v sure_a my_o â—idences_n for_o heaven_n and_o therefore_o that_o i_o may_v â—â—stifie_v my_o obedience_n to_o god_n and_o his_o word_n â—nd_v that_o i_o may_v increase_v my_o joy_n in_o the_o lord_n â—y_a believe_v more_o firm_o what_o the_o lord_n have_v â—one_n for_o my_o soul_n i_o set_v about_o the_o work_n of_o heart-â—arching_a to_o see_v what_o i_o can_v find_v in_o i_o that_o â—rought_v i_o within_o the_o compass_n of_o everlasting_a blessedness_n and_o some_o thing_n i_o find_v bless_a be_v â—he_v lord_n which_o i_o think_v be_v worthy_a to_o be_v record_v which_o be_v hss_v own_o work_n in_o i_o and_o for_o i_o and_o therefore_o i_o write_v they_o down_o and_o hearty_o desire_v that_o god_n may_v have_v the_o glory_n of_o his_o own_o grace_n for_o i_o know_v that_o he_o only_o have_v wrought_v all_o my_o work_n in_o i_o for_o of_o myself_o i_o be_o not_o able_a to_o think_v a_o good_a thought_n speak_v a_o good_a word_n or_o do_v a_o good_a action_n and_o i_o trust_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v perfect_v that_o which_o concern_v i_o and_o not_o forsake_v the_o work_n of_o his_o own_o hand_n that_o so_o i_o may_v be_v to_o the_o praise_n of_o the_o glory_n of_o his_o grace_n all_o the_o day_n of_o my_o life_n amen_n finis_fw-la
my_o spirit_n sometime_o i_o be_v refresh_v i_o can_v not_o tell_v how_o but_o i_o shall_v be_v ready_a to_o think_v this_o be_v a_o delusion_n i_o remember_v the_o scripture_n be_v these_o isa_n 50.10_o who_o be_v among_o you_o that_o fear_v the_o lord_n that_o obey_v the_o voice_n of_o his_o servant_n that_o walk_v in_o darkness_n and_o have_v no_o light_n let_v he_o trust_v in_o the_o name_n of_o the_o lord_n and_o stay_v upon_o his_o god_n john_n 15.16_o you_o have_v not_o choose_v i_o but_o i_o have_v choose_v you_o and_o ordain_v you_o that_o you_o shall_v go_v and_o bring_v forth_o much_o fruit_n and_o that_o your_o fruit_n shall_v remain_v etc._n etc._n lam._n 3.25_o the_o lord_n be_v good_a unto_o the_o soul_n that_o wait_v for_o he_o and_o to_o they_o that_o seek_v he_o it_o be_v good_a that_o a_o man_n shall_v both_o hope_n and_o quiet_o wait_v for_o the_o salvation_n of_o the_o lord_n etc._n etc._n these_o word_n do_v support_v i_o very_o much_o therefore_o i_o write_v they_o out_o and_o lay_v they_o in_o my_o closet_n that_o they_o may_v still_o be_v in_o my_o eye_n that_o i_o may_v when_o i_o look_v upon_o they_o be_v encourage_v to_o hope_v in_o and_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n but_o these_o comfort_n be_v but_o transient_a but_o yet_o while_o they_o last_v they_o be_v very_o sweet_a support_n but_o when_o go_v i_o fall_v to_o doubt_v think_v all_o be_v delusion_n and_o thus_o i_o dishonour_v god_n 〈◊〉_d my_o unbelief_n i_o doubt_v much_o of_o my_o sincerity_n often_o say_v i_o be_v a_o hypocrite_n but_o if_o at_o anâ—_n time_n i_o be_v ask_v in_o what_o i_o be_v one_o i_o can_v not_o tell_v but_o have_v this_o scripture_n very_o often_o in_o my_o mind_n there_o be_v a_o way_n which_o seem_v right_a unto_o a_o man_n but_o the_o end_n thereof_o be_v death_n and_o so_o i_o think_v i_o be_v but_o seem_o right_a and_o therefore_o must_v needs_o perish_v and_o in_o this_o condition_n i_o continue_v a_o long_a time_n but_o i_o hear_v that_o a_o hypocrite_n seldom_o or_o never_o doubt_v his_o condition_n and_o that_o it_o be_v a_o sign_n of_o sincerity_n to_o desire_v a_o sincere_a heart_n and_o this_o i_o dare_v not_o deny_v know_v that_o i_o do_v desire_v it_o rather_o than_o the_o whole_a world_n thus_o be_v better_o satisfy_v i_o resolve_v to_o seâ—_n about_o my_o duty_n but_o all_o this_o while_n i_o do_v not_o see_v such_o a_o high_a price_n upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n as_o i_o shall_v but_o still_o i_o think_v that_o i_o must_v do_v something_o to_o merit_v salvation_n not_o dare_v to_o venture_v my_o soul_n with_o all_o its_o concernment_n upon_o christ_n therefore_o i_o shall_v tie_v myself_o to_o pray_v six_o time_n a_o day_n and_o then_o i_o shall_v be_v satisfy_v and_o thinâ—_n all_o be_v well_o with_o i_o then_o but_o if_o i_o at_o any_o timâ—_n fail_v of_o my_o number_n than_o i_o be_v dissatisfied_n and_o so_o in_o other_o duty_n so_o that_o my_o comfort_n do_v not_o flow_v from_o the_o blood_n and_o righteousness_n of_o jesus_n but_o from_o my_o own_o duty_n but_o bless_v be_v the_o lord_n who_o likewise_o shake_v this_o foundation_n even_o because_o he_o have_v a_o favour_n to_o i_o for_o be_v in_o discourse_n with_o a_o friend_n he_o desire_v i_o to_o read_v shepherd_n sincere_a convert_n which_o i_o do_v and_o here_o do_v i_o see_v as_o in_o a_o glass_n my_o folly_n for_o there_o be_v sign_n give_v whereby_o i_o may_v try_v myself_o whether_o i_o do_v rest_n in_o duty_n one_o i_o remember_v be_v this_o if_o i_o never_o see_v i_o rest_v in_o duty_n than_o it_o be_v a_o sure_a sign_n that_o i_o then_o do_v another_o be_v this_o if_o i_o prize_v the_o bare_a performance_n of_o duty_n so_o as_o to_o think_v when_o i_o have_v pray_v with_o some_o life_n that_o i_o have_v do_v very_o well_o and_o again_o if_o i_o see_v but_o little_a of_o my_o vile_a heart_n by_o duty_n than_o it_o be_v a_o sign_n i_o rest_v in_o they_o and_o that_o i_o be_v yet_o in_o the_o way_n to_o hell_n though_o in_o the_o cleanly_a way_n and_o shall_v certain_o perish_v if_o i_o rest_v here_o now_o this_o i_o plain_o see_v be_v my_o condition_n but_o how_o to_o get_v out_o of_o it_o i_o know_v not_o for_o now_o i_o be_v in_o a_o worse_a condition_n than_o at_o the_o beginning_n find_v it_o abundant_o more_o hard_a to_o deny_v righteous_a self_n than_o sinful_a self_n i_o think_v it_o wonderful_a strange_a that_o i_o must_v be_v save_v by_o the_o righteousness_n of_o another_o if_o ever_o i_o be_v save_v o_o this_o my_o proud_a heart_n be_v unwilling_a to_o yield_v to_o and_o yet_o i_o be_v very_o desirous_a of_o salvation_n but_o when_o the_o lord_n have_v lead_v i_o into_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o show_v i_o the_o vileness_n of_o that_o more_o and_o that_o if_o the_o lord_n shall_v leave_v i_o to_o myself_o i_o shall_v commit_v all_o kind_n of_o sin_n and_o that_o with_o greediness_n such_o be_v the_o vileness_n of_o my_o nature_n and_o that_o if_o it_o be_v possible_a i_o shall_v now_o live_v holy_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o satisfy_v the_o justice_n of_o god_n for_o what_o be_v past_a therefore_o i_o resolve_v to_o cast_v myself_o upon_o christ_n jesus_n that_o sure_a foundation_n which_o god_n have_v lay_v and_o not_o man_n and_o if_o i_o perish_v to_o perish_v here_o but_o much_o opposition_n do_v i_o meet_v with_o from_o satan_n and_o my_o own_o heart_n before_o i_o can_v real_o do_v it_o i_o can_v seal_v to_o the_o truth_n of_o that_o scripture_n eph._n 1.19_o that_o god_n do_v put_v forth_o his_o mighty_a power_n when_o a_o soul_n be_v make_v to_o believe_v but_o yet_o i_o be_v not_o at_o quiet_a but_o have_v many_o fear_n and_o doubt_n that_o all_o be_v false_a because_o i_o have_v be_v so_o often_o deceive_v and_o now_o i_o begin_v to_o â—ee_n my_o own_o vileness_n more_o than_o ever_o and_o â—ound_v my_o heart_n run_v out_o to_o the_o lord_n jesus_n in_o love_n but_o doubt_v very_o much_o of_o his_o love_n to_o i_o yet_o sometime_o i_o shall_v have_v some_o persuasion_n of_o my_o interest_n in_o christ_n and_o that_o his_o love_n be_v towards_o i_o and_o whilst_o this_o persuasion_n last_v i_o shall_v be_v very_o comfortable_a &_o be_v ready_a to_o think_v i_o shall_v never_o be_v move_v as_o david_n do_v but_o when_o god_n hide_v his_o face_n i_o be_v trouble_v and_o fall_v to_o doubt_v all_o again_o not_o have_v learn_v that_o heavenly_a skill_n of_o live_v by_o faith_n but_o yet_o i_o do_v not_o whole_o cast_v off_o my_o confidence_n but_o have_v some_o pin_n hole_n of_o hope_n in_o the_o worst_a condition_n i_o remember_v the_o consideration_n of_o this_o scripture_n john_n 3.8_o he_o that_o be_v bear_v of_o god_n do_v not_o commit_v sin_n fill_v i_o with_o many_o fear_n know_v how_o apt_a i_o be_v to_o commit_v sin_n notwithstanding_o my_o strive_v against_o it_o but_o a_o little_a while_n after_o i_o be_v satisfy_v understand_v the_o place_n better_o that_o it_o be_v not_o mean_v of_o sin_n of_o infirmity_n but_o of_o make_v sin_n one_o trade_n etc._n etc._n and_o this_o be_v i_o confident_a i_o do_v not_o but_o rather_o tremble_v at_o the_o thought_n of_o it_o but_o when_o this_o be_v over_o satan_n and_o my_o own_o unbelieving_a heart_n will_v still_o be_v present_v something_o whereby_o to_o occasion_v doubt_n so_o that_o for_o the_o space_n of_o one_o year_n and_o a_o half_a i_o have_v scarce_o any_o settle_a peace_n now_o and_o then_o a_o good_a word_n throw_v in_o which_o will_v revive_v i_o for_o the_o present_a but_o the_o comfort_n will_v be_v soon_o go_v as_o ezek._n 36.26_o a_o new_a heart_n will_v i_o give_v and_o a_o new_a spirit_n will_v i_o put_v in_o you_o and_o i_o will_v take_v away_o the_o stony_a heart_n out_o of_o your_o flesh_n and_o i_o will_v give_v you_o a_o heart_n of_o flesh_n and_o will_v put_v my_o spirit_n within_o you_o and_o cause_v you_o to_o walk_v in_o my_o statute_n etc._n etc._n this_o promise_n i_o shall_v often_o plead_v with_o god_n very_o sensible_o and_o with_o much_o confidence_n another_o be_v john_n 11.25_o i_o be_o the_o resurrection_n and_o the_o life_n he_o that_o believe_v on_o i_o though_o he_o be_v dead_a yet_o shall_v he_o live_v and_o whosoever_o live_v and_o believe_v in_o i_o shall_v never_o die_v this_o i_o remember_v be_v very_o sweet_a to_o i_o once_o when_o i_o be_v in_o great_a fear_n lest_o my_o heart_n shall_v grow_v dead_a and_o when_o i_o be_v with_o child_n i_o be_v much_o deject_v have_v a_o sense_n of_o my_o approach_a danger_n and_o want_v a_o assurance_n of_o my_o everlasting_a happiness_n
the_o experience_n of_o god_n gracious_a deal_v with_o mrs._n elizabeth_n white_a late_a wife_n of_o mr._n thomas_n white_a of_o coldecot_n in_o the_o county_n of_o buck_n as_o they_o be_v write_v under_o she_o own_o hand_n and_o find_v in_o her_o closet_n after_o her_o decease_n she_o die_v in_o childbed_n decemb._n 5._o 1669._o psal._n 66.16_o come_v and_o hear_v all_o you_o that_o fear_v god_n and_o i_o will_v declare_v what_o he_o have_v do_v for_o my_o soul_n glasgow_n print_v by_o robert_n sanders_n one_o of_o his_o majesty_n printer_n anno_fw-la dom._n 1698._o the_o experience_n of_o god_n gracious_a deal_n with_o mrs._n elizabeth_n white_a from_o my_o childhood_n the_o lord_n have_v incline_v my_o heart_n to_o seek_v after_o the_o best_a thing_n and_o my_o father_n chief_a care_n be_v to_o bring_v i_o up_o in_o the_o nurture_n and_o admonition_n of_o the_o lord_n my_o nature_n be_v somewhat_o more_o mild_a than_o the_o rest_n of_o my_o sister_n i_o be_v ready_a to_o think_v myself_o some_o body_n and_o with_o the_o proud_a pharisee_fw-mi to_o thank_v god_n that_o i_o be_v not_o as_o other_o not_o consider_v that_o i_o be_v but_o like_o a_o wolf_n chain_v up_o which_o keep_v its_o nature_n still_o as_o i_o by_o the_o goodness_n of_o god_n have_v see_v since_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o lay_v his_o eyesalve_n upon_o i_o i_o be_v a_o great_a lover_n of_o history_n and_o other_o foolish_a book_n and_o do_v often_o spend_v my_o sleeping-time_n in_o read_v of_o they_o and_o sometime_o i_o shall_v think_v i_o do_v not_o do_v well_o in_o so_o do_v but_o i_o be_v so_o bewitch_v by_o they_o that_o i_o can_v not_o forbear_v &_o hear_v of_o a_o friend_n of_o i_o which_o be_v esteem_v a_o very_a holy_a woman_n that_o do_v delight_n in_o history_n i_o then_o conclude_v it_o be_v no_o sin_n and_o give_v myself_o whole_o then_o to_o this_o kind_n of_o folly_n when_o i_o have_v any_o spare_a time_n for_o two_o or_o three_o year_n i_o have_v sometime_o slight_a thought_n of_o repentance_n but_o be_v loath_a to_o set_v about_o it_o and_o so_o i_o shall_v put_v the_o lord_n off_o from_o time_n to_o time_n with_o delay_n think_v still_o i_o shall_v find_v a_o fit_a time_n than_o the_o present_a i_o remember_v about_o a_o month_n before_o i_o be_v marry_v my_o father_n will_v have_v i_o receive_v the_o sacrament_n of_o thâ—_n lord_n supper_n and_o i_o be_v very_o willing_a to_o it_o until_o i_o consider_v what_o be_v requsite_a to_o be_v in_o those_o which_o do_v partake_v thereof_o and_o then_o i_o begin_v to_o doubt_v that_o i_o have_v not_o those_o thing_n whicâ—_n be_v requisite_a wrought_v in_o i_o as_o knowledge_n faith_n love_n repentance_n etc._n etc._n and_o then_o this_o scripture_n come_v into_o my_o mind_n he_o that_o doubt_v be_v damn_v if_o he_o eat_v for_o whatsoever_o be_v not_o of_o faith_n be_v sin_n when_o i_o have_v consider_v those_o thing_n i_o be_v fill_v with_o sorrow_n and_o can_v not_o tell_v what_o to_o do_v i_o be_v loath_a to_o disobey_v my_o father_n and_o more_o loath_a to_o eat_v and_o drink_v my_o own_o damnation_n in_o this_o perplexity_n i_o set_v myself_o to_o seek_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o grace_n be_v at_o that_o time_n somewhat_o sensible_a of_o the_o want_n of_o it_o when_o i_o have_v thus_o do_v i_o begin_v to_o be_v comfort_v very_o think_v that_o now_o i_o have_v repent_v and_o can_v believe_v in_o christ_n jesus_n and_o have_v some_o notional_a knowledge_n of_o thing_n i_o be_v indifferent_o well_o satisfy_v think_v that_o when_o i_o waâ—_n marry_v i_o shall_v have_v more_o leisure_n to_o serum_n god_n and_o then_o go_v to_o the_o minister_n of_o thâ—_n parish_n to_o be_v examine_v before_o i_o be_v admit_v and_o find_v myself_o able_a to_o answer_v he_o â—_o think_v all_o be_v well_o with_o i_o then_o and_o so_o unworthy_a i_o go_v to_o the_o lord_n table_n not_o question_v but_o that_o i_o be_v in_o as_o good_a a_o condition_n aâ—_n any_o of_o the_o rest_n which_o do_v receive_v but_o blesseâ—_n for_o ever_o be_v the_o lord_n which_o break_v my_o false_a confidence_n and_o sweep_v away_o my_o refuge_n of_o lie_n which_o i_o then_o trust_v in_o and_o show_v i_o my_o sad_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o by_o nature_n and_o practice_n more_o clear_o than_o ever_o before_o and_o this_o be_v about_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n after_o i_o be_v marry_v in_o the_o year_n 1657._o the_o minister_n be_v upon_o this_o subject_n prov._n 1.23_o turn_v you_o at_o my_o reproof_n etc._n etc._n be_v upon_o the_o use_n of_o trial_n whether_o indeed_o we_o have_v turn_v to_o god_n or_o no_o he_o bid_v we_o examine_v ourselves_o by_o some_o mark_n which_o he_o then_o give_v and_o it_o be_v at_o this_o time_n that_o god_n do_v begin_v to_o manifest_v his_o love_n to_o i_o as_o i_o trust_v in_o my_o effectual_a vocation_n here_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o open_v my_o heart_n as_o he_o do_v the_o heart_n of_o lydia_n so_o that_o i_o attend_v to_o the_o thing_n that_o be_v speak_v so_o that_o i_o perceive_v my_o heart_n be_v not_o right_a in_o the_o sight_n of_o god_n and_o that_o my_o hope_n be_v but_o like_o that_o of_o the_o hypocrite_n which_o perish_v when_o i_o come_v home_o i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o turn_v i_o if_o i_o be_v not_o yet_o turn_v to_o he_o but_o yet_o i_o have_v not_o that_o thorough_a sense_n of_o sin_n as_o i_o have_v afterward_o about_o three_o week_n after_o the_o minister_n come_v to_o our_o house_n my_o husband_n and_o i_o be_v speak_v that_o we_o will_v desire_v he_o to_o pray_v with_o we_o in_o our_o chamber_n but_o that_o time_n he_o can_v not_o stay_v the_o next_o day_n he_o come_v and_o ask_v for_o i_o tell_v i_o that_o my_o husband_n tell_v he_o that_o i_o will_v speak_v with_o he_o o_o how_o be_v i_o surprise_v i_o can_v not_o tell_v what_o to_o say_v upon_o the_o sudden_a i_o be_v so_o hurry_v in_o my_o thought_n o_o how_o loath_a be_v i_o to_o acquaint_v he_o with_o my_o sad_a state_n â—_o i_o be_v ashamed_a to_o tell_v he_o that_o i_o be_v yet_o a_o stranger_n to_o god_n and_o all_o goodness_n till_o it_o be_v force_v from_o i_o which_o when_o he_o hear_v he_o do_v not_o go_v about_o to_o comfort_v i_o but_o he_o ask_v i_o if_o ever_o i_o be_v convict_v before_o and_o i_o tell_v he_o yes_o and_o he_o repeat_v the_o first_o vers_fw-la of_o the_o 29._o chap._n of_o the_o proverb_n he_o that_o be_v often_o reprove_v harden_v his_o neck_n shall_v sudden_o be_v destroy_v and_o that_o without_o remedy_n when_o i_o hear_v this_o i_o be_v wonderful_o trouble_v then_o there_o come_v many_o sin_n to_o my_o remembrance_n which_o i_o have_v take_v no_o notice_n of_o before_o count_v they_o small_a sin_n now_o the_o time_n which_o be_v spend_v in_o read_v history_n i_o remember_v with_o bitter_a grief_n and_o i_o think_v that_o there_o be_v no_o mercy_n for_o i_o but_o he_o persuade_v i_o there_o be_v hope_n of_o mercy_n for_o such_o as_o i_o and_o that_o the_o lord_n wait_v to_o be_v gracious_a to_o poor_a sinner_n and_o then_o i_o be_v a_o little_a satisfy_v for_o the_o present_a but_o then_o i_o be_v trouble_v with_o blasphemous_a thought_n which_o be_v very_o grievous_a to_o i_o i_o think_v i_o have_v a_o heart_n worse_o than_o the_o devil_n and_o wonder_v that_o i_o be_v not_o consume_v in_o some_o strange_a manner_n when_o i_o have_v see_v a_o spider_n which_o of_o all_o thing_n be_v most_o loathsome_a to_o i_o i_o have_v be_v ready_a to_o wish_v myself_o such_o a_o one_o esteem_v of_o it_o to_o be_v in_o a_o far_o happy_a condition_n than_o i_o be_v i_o be_v afraid_a to_o be_v in_o the_o dark_a lest_o i_o shall_v meet_v the_o devil_n i_o doubt_v whether_o i_o be_v elect_v i_o have_v read_v that_o i_o be_v not_o of_o he_o that_o will_v nor_o he_o that_o run_v but_o of_o god_n that_o show_v mercy_n then_o i_o think_v if_o i_o be_v not_o elect_v it_o be_v to_o no_o purpose_n to_o strive_v for_o what_o god_n have_v decree_v must_v be_v but_o yet_o i_o be_v unwilling_a to_o perish_v i_o can_v not_o be_v so_o satisfy_v although_o i_o have_v but_o little_a hope_n to_o obtain_v mercy_n yet_o i_o can_v not_o but_o ask_v it_o i_o be_v also_o very_o frequent_a in_o hear_v the_o word_n preach_v and_o read_v not_o dare_v to_o let_v slip_v a_o opportunity_n but_o not_o without_o many_o tear_n lest_o it_o shall_v increase_v my_o condemnation_n in_o this_o condition_n i_o remain_v a_o great_a while_n but_o not_o without_o some_o secret_a support_n from_o the_o lord_n sometime_o by_o a_o word_n cast_v in_o upon_o
but_o whilst_o i_o be_v consider_v of_o these_o thing_n i_o have_v this_o scripture_n set_v home_o with_o abundance_n of_o sweetness_n psalm_n 50.15_o call_v upon_o i_o in_o the_o day_n of_o trouble_n and_o i_o will_v deliver_v thou_o and_o thou_o shall_v glorify_v i_o and_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o extremity_n this_o word_n be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o heart_n again_o and_o my_o good_a god_n make_v i_o to_o experience_n the_o truth_n of_o it_o in_o a_o wonderful_a manner_n for_o i_o have_v speedy_a deliverance_n beyond_o my_o expectation_n which_o fill_v my_o heart_n and_o mouth_n with_o praise_n to_o the_o lord_n about_o three_o day_n after_o a_o friend_n come_v to_o visit_v i_o i_o relate_v to_o she_o how_o good_a the_o lord_n have_v be_v unto_o i_o and_o how_o sweet_o my_o heart_n be_v establish_v but_o no_o soon_o be_v my_o friend_n go_v but_o i_o be_v tempt_v to_o think_v my_o faith_n be_v false_a but_o i_o labour_v what_o i_o can_v to_o encourage_v myself_o in_o the_o lord_n my_o god_n but_o as_o i_o lie_v in_o my_o bed_n i_o think_v i_o see_v three_o man_n before_o i_o and_o it_o be_v present_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o these_o be_v the_o three_o person_n in_o the_o trinity_n o_o than_o i_o be_v very_o much_o trouble_v but_o i_o know_v i_o be_v under_o a_o temptation_n and_o therefore_o cry_v to_o the_o lord_n for_o help_v but_o be_v not_o present_o deliver_v from_o it_o but_o i_o have_v this_o scripture_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n no_o man_n shall_v see_v my_o face_n and_o live_v exod._n 33.20_o but_o not_o be_v yet_o free_v i_o begin_v to_o consider_v what_o i_o have_v hear_v and_o read_v as_o mean_n to_o help_v against_o such_o temptation_n at_o last_o i_o remember_v that_o mr._n bolton_n in_o his_o book_n of_o instruction_n for_o the_o right_n comfort_v of_o afflict_a conscience_n give_v this_o direction_n after_o the_o party_n have_v pray_v for_o help_v against_o the_o tempter_n and_o do_v what_o they_o can_v in_o repel_v he_o by_o the_o word_n of_o god_n that_o if_o they_o be_v yet_o follow_v by_o satan_n that_o then_o they_o shall_v set_v about_o some_o honest_a employment_n but_o now_o i_o be_v in_o bed_n and_o know_v not_o what_o to_o set_v about_o for_o the_o present_a at_o last_o i_o resolve_v to_o try_v to_o suckle_v my_o child_n which_o i_o do_v and_o then_o lie_v down_o again_o and_o find_v that_o i_o be_v pretty_a well_o free_v from_o that_o temptation_n and_o find_v myself_o much_o distemper_v in_o my_o head_n i_o desire_v the_o lord_n to_o give_v i_o rest_n and_o go_v about_o to_o compose_v myself_o to_o sleep_v but_o as_o i_o lie_v i_o think_v satan_n stand_v before_o i_o ask_v where_o i_o can_v find_v a_o promise_n for_o sleep_n at_o present_a i_o can_v not_o think_v of_o any_o but_o after_o some_o study_n this_o be_v bring_v into_o my_o mind_n the_o lord_n will_v give_v his_o belove_a sleep_n this_o word_n comfort_v i_o but_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o all_o that_o night_n get_v any_o sleep_n but_o still_o think_v i_o see_v satan_n laugh_v at_o i_o because_o i_o have_v no_o sleep_n and_o yet_o trust_v in_o his_o word_n thus_o all_o the_o night_n i_o continue_v weak_a in_o body_n and_o comfortless_a in_o mind_n so_o that_o in_o the_o morning_n i_o expect_v nothing_o but_o death_n then_o begin_v to_o think_v more_o serious_o of_o my_o change_n satan_n as_o i_o then_o think_v ask_v i_o where_o be_v my_o assurance_n of_o my_o everlasting_a happiness_n at_o this_o i_o be_v very_o much_o trouble_v know_v i_o have_v not_o full_a assurance_n but_o yet_o some_o good_a hope_n through_o the_o goodness_n of_o god_n i_o have_v therefore_o my_o heart_n make_v answer_v it_o be_v true_a i_o have_v no_o assurance_n but_o i_o have_v cast_v myself_o whole_o upon_o the_o lord_n christ_n and_o in_o he_o only_o be_v my_o hope_n and_o here_o will_v i_o rest_v and_o if_o i_o perish_v i_o perish_v but_o sure_o i_o be_o such_o shall_v not_o perish_v for_o christ_n have_v promise_v they_o eternal_a life_n thus_o be_v assist_v by_o the_o lord_n i_o vanquish_v satan_n for_o that_o time_n and_o be_v thus_o at_o peace_n i_o quick_o fall_v asleep_a and_o dream_v there_o be_v a_o ladder_n set_v upon_o the_o earth_n who_o top_n reach_v to_o heaven_n and_o i_o think_v i_o be_v to_o go_v up_o that_o ladder_n into_o heaven_n &_o that_o as_o fast_o as_o i_o get_v up_o i_o be_v pull_v down_o again_o which_o cause_v i_o to_o shed_v abundance_n of_o tear_n fear_v that_o i_o shall_v never_o get_v up_o and_o i_o think_v something_o from_o above_o draw_v i_o by_o the_o arm_n but_o i_o can_v not_o see_v what_o but_o at_o last_o i_o think_v i_o be_v in_o heaven_n where_o all_o tear_n be_v wipe_v from_o my_o eye_n and_o i_o be_v fill_v with_o rejoice_v but_o when_o i_o have_v be_v there_o a_o little_a while_n i_o think_v i_o be_v to_o go_v back_o again_o to_o the_o earth_n and_o this_o very_a much_o trouble_v i_o but_o then_o i_o think_v i_o hear_v a_o voice_n say_v it_o will_v be_v but_o for_o a_o little_a while_n and_o that_o i_o shall_v die_v in_o childbed_n and_o that_o the_o night_n before_o i_o die_v i_o shall_v have_v full_a assurance_n this_o very_a much_o rejoice_v i_o and_o i_o be_v very_o desirous_a to_o know_v of_o what_o child_n i_o shall_v die_v but_o that_o be_v deny_v i_o upon_o this_o account_n because_o i_o shall_v be_v always_o prepare_v but_o when_o i_o do_v awake_a i_o be_v fill_v with_o unexpressible_a joy_n earnest_o long_v to_o be_v dissolve_v and_o to_o be_v with_o christ_n which_o be_v best_a of_o all_o and_o yet_o willing_a if_o the_o lord_n please_v to_o suffer_v any_o thing_n which_o may_v be_v inflict_v on_o i_o then_o i_o remember_v how_o satan_n when_o i_o be_v about_o to_o turn_v to_o god_n will_v present_v the_o suffering_n of_o god_n people_n to_o i_o think_v by_o that_o mean_n to_o turn_v i_o back_o again_o and_o how_o i_o shall_v be_v discourage_v by_o they_o but_o be_v fill_v with_o the_o joy_n of_o god_n spirit_n i_o think_v i_o can_v suffer_v any_o thing_n not_o wonder_v as_o i_o have_v do_v how_o the_o saint_n of_o old_a can_v bear_v up_o so_o brave_o under_o their_o suffering_n but_o after_o i_o begin_v to_o amend_v my_o joy_n be_v not_o so_o full_a as_o they_o have_v be_v but_o i_o have_v a_o more_o settle_a peace_n than_o former_o i_o have_v bless_a be_v the_o lord_n i_o have_v many_o various_a change_n in_o my_o spiritual_a state_n but_o once_o have_v a_o great_a sense_n of_o a_o hard_a heart_n and_o be_v desirous_a to_o have_v it_o mollify_v i_o be_v tempt_v to_o do_v some_o great_a evil_n as_o the_o only_a mean_n to_o break_v i_o and_o that_o it_o may_v be_v the_o ready_a entertain_v satan_n put_v it_o into_o my_o heart_n to_o consider_v the_o condition_n of_o nathaniel_n butler_n who_o heart_n be_v unbroken_a till_o the_o commission_n of_o that_o horrid_a sin_n of_o murder_n and_o then_o this_o great_a evil_n bring_v he_o to_o a_o sight_n and_o sense_n of_o all_o sin_n this_o temptation_n be_v very_o strong_a upon_o i_o but_o yet_o strong_a be_v he_o that_o be_v with_o i_o than_o he_o that_o be_v against_o i_o for_o at_o that_o very_a instant_n do_v the_o lord_n cast_v into_o my_o heart_n that_o happy_a word_n rom._n 8.3_o let_v we_o do_v evil_a that_o good_a may_v come_v who_o damnation_n be_v just_a this_o word_n prove_v a_o happy_a mean_n to_o repel_v the_o temptation_n but_o yet_o this_o mercy_n i_o have_v forget_v till_o the_o lord_n revive_v it_o upon_o my_o heart_n almost_o two_o year_n after_o as_o i_o be_v read_v the_o chapter_n and_o since_o my_o child_n be_v wean_v i_o be_v in_o such_o a_o state_n of_o deadness_n and_o darkness_n that_o i_o think_v if_o i_o be_v ever_o raise_v out_o of_o it_o i_o shall_v never_o question_v my_o condition_n again_o i_o be_v tempt_v to_o think_v that_o the_o scripture_n be_v not_o the_o word_n of_o god_n i_o have_v let_v out_o my_o affection_n in_o a_o wonderful_a measure_n to_o my_o child_n and_o yet_o my_o lord_n forsake_v i_o not_o but_o dispel_v my_o darkness_n and_o fill_v i_o with_o rejoice_v o_o what_o shall_v i_o render_v to_o he_o after_o this_o i_o grow_v into_o another_o damp_n and_o be_v raise_v again_o and_o i_o trust_v the_o lord_n will_v keep_v i_o notwithstanding_o all_o the_o mist_n which_o shall_v be_v raise_v in_o my_o heart_n by_o sin_n and_o satan_n even_o by_o his_o power_n through_o faith_n unto_o salvation_n these_o scripture_n revive_v i_o 〈◊〉_d several_a time_n when_o i_o be_v in_o heaviness_n foâ—_n want_v of_o the_o presence_n of_o god_n at_o the_o
ordinance_n of_o the_o lord_n supper_n prov._n 8.34_o bless_a arâ—_n they_o that_o watch_v daily_o at_o my_o gate_n wait_v aâ—_n the_o post_n of_o my_o door_n mat._n 20.15_o be_v it_o noâ—_n lawful_a for_o i_o to_o do_v what_o i_o will_v with_o my_o owâ—â—_n this_o cheek_a i_o and_o make_v i_o willing_a to_o waâ—_n at_o that_o time_n but_o this_o be_v my_o comfort_n god_n 〈◊〉_d unchangeable_a who_o i_o trust_v will_v carry_v i_o through_o all_o the_o difficulty_n i_o shall_v meet_v with_o here_o belowt_v and_o i_o trust_v will_n ere_o long_o bring_v i_o to_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o himself_o where_o i_o shall_v be_v past_a siâ—ning_n and_o sorrow_v and_o as_o a_o further_a testimony_n of_o my_o interest_n in_o christ_n by_o the_o effect_n 〈◊〉_d my_o faith_n i_o have_v these_o evidence_n first_o my_o love_n to_o god_n which_o be_v great_a thâ—_n to_o any_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n beside_o and_o my_o gâ—_n have_v leave_v it_o upon_o record_n that_o he_o love_v they_o thâ—_n love_v he_o prov._n 8.17_o i_o know_v my_o love_n be_v nâ—_n so_o great_a as_o it_o shall_v be_v but_o i_o be_o sure_a nâ—_n great_a grief_n be_v that_o i_o can_v love_v he_o no_o betteâ—_n and_o in_o this_o case_n god_n will_v accept_v the_o will_n 〈◊〉_d the_o deed_n second_o i_o know_v my_o love_n be_v sincere_a by_o thâ—_n because_o i_o love_v the_o child_n of_o god_n for_o as_o be_v 1_o john_n 5.1_o every_o one_o that_o love_v hiâ—_n that_o beget_v love_v he_o also_o that_o be_v beget_v 〈◊〉_d he_o and_o by_o this_o i_o know_v that_o i_o love_v thâ—_n child_n of_o god_n because_o i_o love_v god_n so_o thaâ—_n this_o be_v another_o evidence_n that_o i_o be_o pass_v froâ—_n death_n to_o life_n even_o because_o i_o love_v the_o brethren_n 1_o john_n 3.14_o three_o i_o can_v appeal_v to_o the_o lord_n who_o be_v the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n that_o the_o breathe_n of_o my_o soul_n be_v chief_o after_o holiness_n that_o i_o may_v be_v more_o like_a unto_o the_o lord_n jesus_n my_o desire_n be_v to_o serve_v god_n in_o all_o thing_n and_o to_o have_v a_o real_a and_o hearty_a respect_n unto_o all_o god_n commandment_n &_o i_o desire_v if_o it_o be_v possible_a that_o i_o may_v never_o sin_v more_o but_o rather_o that_o i_o may_v behave_v myself_o in_o all_o holy_a conversation_n as_o one_o that_o have_v indeed_o and_o in_o truth_n experience_v how_o good_a and_o gracious_a the_o lord_n be_v i_o bless_v god_n i_o can_v true_o say_v that_o my_o hot_a conflict_n be_v against_o those_o sin_n which_o be_v obvious_a only_o to_o the_o eye_n of_o god_n even_o my_o sinful_a thought_n though_o they_o come_v not_o into_o action_n o_o many_o a_o sad_a heart_n have_v i_o have_v when_o i_o have_v consider_v the_o vileness_n of_o my_o thought_n and_o yet_o have_v be_v unblameable_a in_o my_o conversation_n and_o this_o be_v still_o my_o daily_a sorrow_n and_o therefore_o i_o trust_v they_o shall_v never_o be_v my_o ruin_n but_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v short_o rejoice_v the_o heart_n of_o his_o poor_a servant_n in_o give_v i_o the_o victory_n over_o these_o and_o all_o my_o other_o inbred_a corruption_n which_o have_v so_o often_o make_v a_o separation_n between_o my_o dear_a lord_n and_o my_o poor_a soul_n four_o i_o find_v a_o great_a change_n in_o any_o heart_n as_o touch_v the_o word_n of_o god_n for_o where_o heretofore_o like_o a_o wretch_n as_o i_o be_v i_o esteem_v a_o playbook_n before_o it_o now_o bless_v the_o lord_n i_o prize_v it_o before_o all_o other_o and_o good_a reason_n have_v i_o for_o it_o for_o by_o it_o have_v the_o lord_n quicken_v mâ—_n and_o therefore_o as_o long_o as_o i_o live_v i_o will_v give_v uâ—_n myself_o to_o walk_v according_a to_o the_o rule_n of_o it_o gin_v the_o spirit_n of_o god_n to_o open_v the_o mystery_n of_o it_o to_o mâ—_n that_o so_o i_o may_v not_o only_o have_v the_o letter_n bâ—_n the_o very_a mind_n of_o christ_n five_o i_o see_v nothing_o in_o myself_o that_o makâ—_n i_o more_o worthy_a of_o salvation_n than_o another_o know_v that_o i_o have_v deserve_v to_o lie_v in_o flame_n 〈◊〉_d well_o as_o any_o that_o be_v now_o in_o the_o place_n of_o torment_n and_o that_o nothing_o but_o mercy_n have_v step_v between_o my_o soul_n and_o everlasting_a burn_n and_o therefore_o i_o hearty_o wish_v that_o i_o may_v always_o admire_v of_o this_o free_a grace_n of_o god_n in_o chusâ—â—_n i_o before_o the_o foundation_n of_o the_o world_n be_v laâ—_n so_o unworthy_a a_o creature_n as_o i_o be_o to_o set_v his_o lâ—_n upon_o i_o and_o let_v go_v so_o many_o thousand_o tâ—_n be_v more_o capable_a to_o bring_v glory_n to_o his_o naâ—_n than_o â—_o be_o o_o the_o height_n and_o depth_n aâ—_n breadth_n and_o length_n of_o this_o love_n of_o god_n in_o châ—_n jesus_n which_o have_v abound_v to_o i_o a_o poor_a aâ—_n unworthy_a creature_n â—_o it_o be_v indeed_o such_o a_o love_n pass_v knowledge_n and_o therefore_o i_o can_v noâ—_n sufficient_o admire_v it_o whilst_o i_o be_o here_o in_o body_n which_o make_v i_o long_o to_o be_v dissoluâ—_v that_o so_o i_o may_v know_v it_o more_o clear_o and_o swallow_v up_o in_o the_o eternal_a admiration_n of_o amen_o and_o these_o be_v my_o principle_n which_o i_o trâ—_n i_o shall_v hold_v fast_o even_o to_o my_o death_n 1._o i_o believe_v that_o the_o scripture_n contain_v in_o the_o old_a and_o new_a testament_n be_v the_o word_n of_o god_n write_v by_o the_o prophet_n and_o holy_a man_n as_o they_o be_v inspire_v by_o god_n to_o be_v the_o rule_n of_o faith_n and_o life_n to_o his_o people_n i_o believe_v all_o that_o god_n in_o his_o word_n will_v i_o to_o believe_v be_v persuade_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o god_n concern_v the_o truth_n of_o it_o i_o believe_v that_o there_o be_v one_o only_o eternal_a god_n who_o have_v his_o be_v from_o himself_o and_o have_v give_v a_o be_v to_o all_o his_o creature_n both_o in_o heaven_n and_o earth_n and_o under_o the_o earth_n and_o from_o eternity_n to_o eternity_n do_v whatsoever_o he_o will_v i_o believe_v that_o this_o eternal_a godhead_n be_v distinguish_v into_o three_o person_n the_o father_n beget_v the_o son_n beget_v and_o the_o holy_a ghost_n proceed_v from_o they_o both_o i_o believe_v that_o god_n create_v man_n in_o his_o own_o image_n in_o righteousness_n and_o holiness_n give_v he_o dominion_n over_o all_o the_o creature_n and_o likewise_o give_v he_o liberty_n to_o continue_v in_o this_o happy_a condition_n if_o he_o will_v but_o he_o have_v liberty_n to_o stand_v or_o to_o fall_v in_o his_o own_o hand_n quick_o lose_v that_o happiness_n which_o god_n have_v instate_v he_o in_o by_o yield_v to_o the_o enticement_n of_o satan_n so_o that_o break_v the_o command_n of_o god_n he_o bring_v a_o curse_n upon_o himself_o and_o all_o his_o posterity_n so_o that_o all_o mankind_n by_o nature_n be_v now_o in_o a_o miserable_a condition_n child_n of_o wrath_n heir_n of_o hell_n etc._n etc._n and_o i_o do_v believe_v that_o god_n from_o all_o eternity_n know_v what_o man_n will_v do_v when_o he_o have_v create_v he_o so_o that_o adam_n fall_n do_v but_o usher_v in_o as_o it_o be_v a_o great_a blessedness_n for_o i_o do_v believe_v there_o have_v be_v a_o eternal_a covenant_n between_o the_o father_n and_o the_o son_n in_o the_o elect_v some_o to_o life_n even_o before_o the_o foundation_n of_o the_o earth_n be_v say_v so_o that_o no_o soon_o have_v man_n fall_v but_o god_n promise_v a_o saviour_n even_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n who_o in_o his_o divine_a nature_n be_v in_o all_o thing_n equal_a with_o god_n the_o father_n and_o that_o such_o be_v his_o exceed_a love_n and_o pity_n to_o poor_a lose_a creature_n that_o have_v break_v his_o command_n and_o say_v themselves_o liable_a to_o the_o curse_n that_o rather_o than_o they_o shall_v perish_v he_o have_v lay_v aside_o the_o robe_n of_o his_o glory_n and_o take_v upon_o he_o the_o nature_n of_o man_n but_o without_o sin_n and_o that_o he_o be_v conceive_v by_o the_o holy_a ghost_n bear_v of_o a_o virgin_n and_o while_o he_o be_v on_o earth_n be_v load_v with_o reproach_n and_o scorn_n and_o do_v at_o last_o suffer_v upon_o the_o cross_n for_o the_o sin_n of_o his_o elect_n where_o he_o bear_v the_o weight_n of_o god_n wrath_n in_o his_o soul_n by_o his_o heaviness_n in_o his_o agony_n and_o satisfy_v the_o justice_n of_o god_n in_o his_o body_n which_o be_v crucify_v till_o he_o die_v and_o i_o believe_v that_o he_o be_v bury_v and_o that_o the_o three_o day_n he_o rise_v again_o from_o the_o dead_a have_v conquer_v sin_n death_n and_o hell_n for_o believer_n and_o that_o he_o be_v see_v of_o his_o disciple_n and_o other_o