too hot to hold me To Sir Tun. Sir I fancy 't is not worth while to trouble Sir Iohn upon this impertinent Fellow's desire I 'll send and call the Messenger back Sir Tun. Nay with all my heart for to be sure he thought he was far enough off or the Rogue wou'd never have nam'd him Enter Servant Ser. Sir I met Sir Iohn just lighting at the Gate he 's come to wait upon you Sir Tun. Nay then it happens as one cou'd wish Y. Fash. Aside The Devil it does Lory you see how things are here will be a discovery presently and we shall have our Brains beat out for my Brother will be sure to Swear he don't know me therefore run into the Stable take the two first Horses you can light on I 'll slip out at the Back Door and we 'll away immediately Lor. What and leave your Lady Sir Y. Fash. There 's no Danger in that as long as I have taken Possession I shall know how to treat with 'em well enough if once I am out of their Reach Away I 'll steal after thee Exit Lory his Master follows him out at one Door as Sir John enters at t'other Enter Sir John Sir Tun. Sir Iohn you are the welcom'st Man alive I had just sent a Messenger to desire you 'd step over upon a very extraordinary occasion we are all in Arms here Sir Iohn How so Sir Tun. Why you must know a sinical sort of a tawdry Fellow here I don't know who the Devil he is not I hearing I suppose that the Match was concluded between my Lord Foppington and my Girl Hoyden comes impudently to the Gate with a whole pack of Rogues in Liveries and wou'd have past upon me for his Lordship but what does I I comes up to him boldly at the head of his Guards takes him by the throat strikes up his heels binds him hand and foot dispatches a Warrant and Commits him Prisoner to the Dog-kennel Sir Io. So but how do you know but this was my Lord for I was told he set out from London the Day before me with a very fine Retinue and intended to come directly hither Sir Tun. Why now to shew you how many Lyes People raise in that damn'd Town he came two Nights ago Post with only one Servant and is now in the House with me but you don't know the Cream of the Jest yet this same Rogue that lies yonder neck and Heels among the Hounds tkinking you were out of the Country quotes you for his Acquaintance and said if you were here you 'd justifie him to be Lord Foppington and I know not what Sir Io. Pray will you let me see him Sir Tun. Ay that you shall presently here fetch the Prisoner Exit Servant Sir Io. I wish there be'nt some mistake in this business where 's my Lord I know him very well Sir Tun. He was here just now see for him Doctor tell him Sir Iohn is here to wait upon him Exit Chaplain Sir Io. I hope Sir Tunbelly the young Lady is not Married yet Sir Tun. No things won't be ready this week but why do you say you hope she is not Married Sir Io. Some foolish fancies only perhaps I 'm mistaken Re-enter Chaplain Bull. Sir his Lordship is just Rid out to take the air Sir Tun. To take the air is that his London Breeding to go take the air when Gentlemen come to visit him Sir Io. 'T is possible he might want it he might not be well some sudden qualm perhaps Enter Constable c. with Lord Foppington L. Fop. Stap my Vitals I 'll have satisfaction Sir Iohn running to him My dear Lord Foppington L. Fop. Dear Friendly thou art come in the Critical Minute strike me dumb Sir Io. Why I little thought I shou'd have found you in Fetters L. Fop. Why truly the World must do me the justice to confess I do use to appear a little more degage but this Old Gentleman not liking the freedom of my air has been pleas'd to Skewer down my Arms like a Rabbit Sir Tun. Is it then possible that this shou'd be the true Lord Foppington at last L. Fop. Why what do you see in his face to make you doubt of it Sir without presuming to have any extraordinary Opinion of my Figure give me leave to tell you if you had seen as many Lords as I have done you wou'd not think it impossible a Person of a worse Taille than mine might be a modern Man of Quality Sir Tun. Unbind him Slaves my Lord I 'm struck dumb I can only beg pardon by Signs but if a Sacrifice will appease you you shall have it here pursue this Tartar bring him back Away I say a Dog-oons I 'll cut off his Ears and his Tail I 'll draw out all his Teeth pull his Skin over his Head and and what shall I do more Sir Io. He does indeed deserve to be made an Example of L. Fop. He does deserve to be Chartre stap my Vitals Sir Tun. May I then hope I have your Honour's Pardon L. Fop. Sir we Courtiers do nothing without a Bribe that fair young Lady might do Miracles Sir Tun. Hoyden come hither Hoyden L. Fop. Hoyden is her Name Sir Sir Tun. Yes my Lord. L. Fop. The prettiest Name for a Song I ever heard Sir Tun. My Lord here 's my Girl she 's yours she has a wholsom Body and a Virtuous Mind she 's a Woman compleat both in Flesh and in Spirit she has a Bag of Mill'd Crowns as scarce as they are and fifteen hundred a year stitch'd fast to her tail so go thy ways Hoyden L. Fop. Sir I do receive her like a Gentleman Sir Tun. Then I 'm a happy Man I bless Heaven and if your Lordship will give me leave I will like a good Christian at Christmass be very drunk by way of thanksgiving come my Noble Peer I believe Dinner 's ready if your Honour pleases to follow me I 'll lead you on to the attack of a Venison Pasty Exit Sir Tun. L. Fop. Sir I wait upon you will your Ladyship do me the favour of your Little Finger Madam Miss My Lord I 'll follow you presently I have a little business with my Nurse L. Fop. Your Ladyship 's most humble Servant come Sir Iohn the Ladies have des affaires Exeunt L. Fop. and Sir John Miss So Nurse we are finely brought to Bed what shall we do now Nurse Ah dear Miss we are all undone Mr. Bull you were us'd to help a Woman to a Remedy Crying Bull. A lack a day but it 's past my Skill now I can do nothing Nurse Who wou'd have thought that ever your Invention shou'd have been drain'd so dry Miss Well I have often thought old folks fools and now I 'm sure they are so I have found a way my self to secure us all Nurse Dear Lady what 's that Miss Why if you two will be sure to hold your tongues and not say
Admiration That I had look'd with eager Eyes upon him shou'd you not think 't were possible I might go one step farther and enquire his Name Lov. aside She has Reason on her side I have talk'd too much But I must turn it off another way To Aman. Will you then make no difference Amanda between the Language of our Sex and yours There is a Modesty restrains your Tongues which makes you speak by halves when you commend but roving Flattery gives a loose to ours which makes us still speak double what we think You shou'd not therefore in so strict a sense take what I said to her Advantage Aman. Those flights of Flattery Sir are to our Faces only When Women once are out of hearing you are as modest in your Commendations as we are But I shan't put you to the trouble of farther Excuses if you please this business shall rest here Only give me leave to wish both for your Peace and mine that you may never meet this Miracle of Beauty more Lov. I am content Enter Servant Serv. Madam there 's a young Lady at the Door in a Chair desires to know whether your Ladyship sees Company I think her Name is Berinthia Aman. O Dear 't is a Relation I have not seen these five Years Pray her to walk in Exit Serv. To Lov. Here 's another Beauty for you She was young when I saw her last but I hear she 's grown extremely handsome Lov. Don't you be jealous now for I shall gaze upon her too Enter Berinthia Lov. aside Ha! By Heavens the very Woman Ber. saluting Aman. Dear Amanda I did not expect to meet with you in Town Aman. Sweet Cousin I 'm over joy'd to see you To Lov. Mr. Loveless here 's a Relation and a Friend of mine I desire you 'll be better acquainted with Lov. saluting Ber. If my Wife never desires a harder thing Madam her Request will be easily granted Ber. to Aman I think Madam I ought to wish you Joy Aman. Joy Upon what Ber. Upon your Marriage You were a Widow when I saw you last Lov. You ought rather Madam to wish me Joy upon that since I am the only Gainer Ber. If she has got so good a Husband as the World reports she has gain'd enough to expect the Complements of her Friends upon it Lov. I the World is so favourable to me to allow I deserve that Title I hope 't is so just to my Wife to own I derive it from her Ber. Sir it is so just to you both to own you are and derserve to be the happiest Pair that live in it Lov. I 'm afraid we shall lose that Character Madam whenever you happen to change your Condition Enter Servant Serv. Sir my Lord Foppington presents his humble Service to you and desires to know how you do He but just now heard you were in Town He 's at the next door and if it be not inconvenient he 'll come and wait upon you Lov. Lord Foppington I know him not Ber. Not his Dignity perhaps but you do his Person 'T is Sir Novelty he has bought a Barony in order to marry a great Fortune His Patent has not been past eight and forty hours and he has already sent how do'ye's to all the Town to make 'em acquainted with his Title Lov. Give my Service to his Lordship and let him know I am proud of the Honour he intends me Exit Sure this Addition of Quality must have so improv'd his Coxcomb he can't but be very good Company for a quarter of an hour Aman. Now it moves my Pity more than my Mirth to see a Man whom Nature has made no Fool be so very industrious to pass for an Ass. Lov. No there you are wrong Amanda you shou'd never bestow your pity upon those who take pains for your Contempt Pity those whom Nature abuses but never those who abuse Nature Ber. Besides the Town wou'd be robb'd of one of its chief Diversions if it shou'd become a Crime to laugh at a Fool. Aman. I cou'd never yet perceive the Town inclin'd to part with any of its diversions for the sake of their being Crimes but I have seen it very fond of some I think had little else to recommend ' em Ber. I doubt Amanda you are grown its Enemy you speak with so much warmth against it Aman. I must confess I am not much its Friend Ber. Then give me leave to make you mine by not engaging in its Quarrel Aman. You have many stronger Claims than that Berinthia whenever you think fit to plead your Title Lov. You have done well to engage a Second my Dear for here comes one will be apt to call you to an account for your Country-Principles Enter Lord Foppington L. Fop. to Lov. Sir I am your most humble Servant Lov. I wish you Joy my Lord. L. Fop. O Lard Sir Madam your Ladyship 's welcome to Tawn Aman. I wish your Lordship Joy L. Fop. O Heavens Madam Lov. My Lord this young Lady is a Relation of my Wives Fop. saluting her The Beautifull'st Race of People upon Earth Rat me Dear Loveless I 'm overjoy'd to see you have braught your Family to Tawn again I am stap my Vitals Aside Far I design to lye with your Wife To Aman. Far Gad's sake Madam haw has your Ladyship been able to subsist thus long under the fatigue of a Country Life Aman. My Life has been very far from that my Lord it has been a very quiet one L. Fop. Why that 's the Fatigue I speak of Madam For 't is impossible to be quiet without thinking Now thinking is to me the greatest Fatigue in the World Aman. Does not your Lordship love reading then L. Fop. Oh passionately Madam But I never think of what I read Ber. Why can your Lordship read without thinking L. Fop. O Lard Can your Ladyship pray without Devotion Madam Aman. Well I must own I think Books the best Entertainment in the World L. Fop. I am so much of your Ladyship's mind Madam That I have a private Gallery where I walk sometimes is furnish'd with nothing but Books and Looking-glasses Madam I have guilded 'em and rang'd 'em so prettily before Gad it is the most entertaining thing in the World to walk and look upon ' em Aman. Nay I love a neat Library too but 't is I think the Inside of the Book shou'd recommend it most to us L. Fop. That I must confess I am nat altogether so fand of Far to mind the inside of a Book is to entertain ones self with the forc'd Product of another Man's Brain Naw I think a Man of Quality and Breeding may be much better diverted with the Natural Sprauts of his own But to say the Truth Madam let a Man love reading never so well when once he comes to know this Tawn he finds so many better ways of passing the Four and twenty hours that 't were Ten thousand pities he shou'd consume his
Scott and Lott Are you a Williamite or a Iacobite Come L. Fop. And why dost thou ask me so many impertinent Questions Sir Tun. Because I 'll make you answer 'em before I have done with you you Rascal you L. Fop. Before Gad all the Answer I can make thee to 'em is that thou art a very extraordinary old Fellow stop my Vitals Sir Tun. Nay if you are for Joking with Deputy Lieutenants we'st know how to deal with you Here draw a Warrant for him immediately L. Fop. A Warrant what the Devil is 't thou would'st be at Old Gentleman Sir Tun. I wou'd be at you Sirrah if my Hands were not ty'd as a Magistrate and with these two double Fists beat your Teeth down your Throat you Dog you L. Fop. And why would'st thou spoil my Face at that rate Sir Tun. For your design to Rob me of my Daughter Villain L. Fop. Rab thee of thy Daughter Now do I begin to believe I am a Bed and a-sleep and that all this is but a Dream If it be 't will be an agreeable surprise enough to waken by and by and instead of the impertinent Company of a Nasty Country Justice find my self perhaps in the Arms of a Woman of Quality To Sir Tun. Prithee Old Father wilt thou give me leave to ask thee one Question Sir Tun. I can't tell whether I will or not 'till I know what it is L. Fop. Why then it is whether thou didst not write to my Lord Foppington to come down and Marry thy Daughter Sir Tun. Yes Marry did I and my Lord Foppington is come down and shall Marry my Daughter before she 's a Day older L. Fop. Now give me thy Hand dear Dad I thought we should understand one another at last Sir Tun. This Fellow 's mad here bind him Hand and Foot They bind him down L. Fop. Nay prithee Knight leave fooling thy Jeast begins to grow dull Sir Tun. Bind him I say he 's mad Bread and Water a Dark Room and a Whip may bring him to his Senses again L. Fop. Aside I Gad If I don't waken quickly by all I can see this is like to prove one of the most impertinent Dreams that ever I dreamt in my Life Enter Miss and Nurse Miss going up to him Miss Is this he that would have run away with me fough how he stinks of Sweets Pray Father let him be drag'd through the Horse Pond L. Fop. Aside This must be my Wife by her Natural Inclination to her Husband Miss Pray Father what do you intend to do with him hang him Sir Tun. That at least Child Nurse Ay and it s e'en too good for him too L. Fop. Aside Madam la Gouvernante I presume hitherto this appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary Families that ever Man of Quality match'd into Sir Tun. What 's become of my Lord Daughter Miss He 's just coming Sir L. Fop. Aside My Lord What does he mean by that now Enter Young Fashion and Lory Seeing him Stap my Vitals Tam now the Dreams out Y. Fash. Is this the Fellow Sir that design'd to trick me of your Daughter Sir Tun. This is he my Lord how do you like him Is not he a pretty Fellow to get a Fortune Y. Fash. I find by his Dress he thought your Daughter might be taken with a Beau. Miss O gimmeni Is this a Beau let me see him again ha I find a Beau's no such an ugly thing neither Y. Fash. I gad she 'll be in love with him presently I 'll e'en have him sent away to Goal To L. Fash. Sir tho' your undertaking shews you are a Person of no extraordinary Modesty I suppose you han't Confidence enough to expect much Favour from me L. Fop. Strike me dumb Tam. thou art a very impudent Fellow Nurs. Look if the Varlet has not the Frontery to call his Lordship plain Thomas Bull. The business is he would feign himself Mad to avoid going to Goal L. F. Aside That must be the Chaplain by his Unfolding of Mysteries Sir Tun. Come is the Warrant writ Cler. Yes Sir Sir Tun. Give me the Pen I 'll sign it So now Constable away with him L. Fop. Hold one moment Pray Gentlemen my Lord Foppington shall I beg one Word with your Lordship Nurse O ho it 's my Lord with him now see how Afflictions will humble Folks Miss Pray my Lord don't let him whisper too close lest he bite your Ear off L. Fop. I am not altogether so Hungry as your Ladyship is pleas'd to imagine To Y. Fash. Look you Tam I am sensible I have not been so kind to you as I ought but I hope you 'll forget what 's past and accept of the Five Thousand Pounds I offer thou may'st live in extream Splendour with it stap my Vitals Y. Fash. It 's a much easier matter to prevent a Disease than to Cure it a quarter of that Sum would have secur'd your Mistress twice as much won't redeem her Leaving him Sir Tun. Well what says he Y. Fash. Only the Rascal offer'd me a Bribe to let him go Sir Tun. Ay he shall go with a Pox to him Lead on Constable L. Fash. One word more and I have done Sir Tun. Before Gad thou art an impudent Fellow to trouble the Court at this Rate after thou art Condemn'd but speak once for all L. Fop. Why then once for all I have at last luckily call'd to mind that there is a Gentleman of this Country who I believe cannot live far from this place if he were here would satisfie you I am Navelty Baron of Foppington with Five Thousand Pounds a Year and that Fellow there a Rascal not worth a Groat Sir Tun. Very well now who is this honest Gentleman you are so well acquainted with To Y. Fash. Come Sir we shall hamper him L. Fop. 'T is Sir Iohn Friendly Sir Tun. So he lives within half a Mile and came down into the Country but last Night this bold-fac'd Fellow thought he had been at London still and so quoted him now we shall display him in his Colours I 'll send for Sir Iohn immediately Here Fellow away presently and desire my Neighbour he 'll do me the favour to step over upon an extraordinary occasion and in the mean while you had best secure this Sharper in the Gate-House Const. An 't please your Worship he may chance to give us the slip thence If I were worthy to advise I think the Dog-kennel's a surer place Sir Tun. With all my Heart any where L. Fop. Nay for Heaven's sake Sir do me the favour to put me in a clean Room that I mayn't daub my Cloaths Sir Tun. O when you have Married my Daughter her Estate will afford you new ones Away with him L. Fop. A Dirty Country Justice is a barbarous Magistrate stap my Vitals Exit Constable with Lord Foppington Y. Fash. Aside I gad I must prevent this Knight's coming or the House will grow soon
their Desires Before the Play 's half ended I 'll engage To shew you Beaux come crowding on the Stage Who with so little pains have always sped They 'll undertake to look â—â— Lady dead How I have shook and trembling stood with awe When here behind the Scenes I 've seen 'em draw A Comb that dead doing Weapon â—â— the Heart And turn each powder'd Hair into a Dart. When I have seen 'em sally on the Stage Drest to the War and ready to engage I 've mourn'd your Destiny yet more their Fate To think that after Victorys so great It shou'd so often prove their hard mishap To sneak into a Lane and get a Clap. But hush they 'r here already I 'll retire And leave 'em to you Ladys to admire They 'll shew you Twenty thousand Airs and Graces They 'll entertain you with their â—â—ft Grimaces Their Snuff-box aukward Bows and ugly Faces In short they 'r after all so much your Friends That lest the Play shou'd fail the Authors ends They have resolv'd to make you some amends Between each Act perform'd by nicest Rules They 'll Treat you with an interlude of Fools Of which that you may have the deeper Sence The Entertainment 's at their own Expence Dramatis Personae Men. Mr. Cibber Sir Novelty Fashion newly Created Lord Foppington Mrs. Kent Young Fashion his Brother Mr. Verbruggen Loveless Husband to Amanda Mr. Powell Worthy a Gentleman of the Town Mr. Bullock Sir Tunbelly Clumsey a Country Gentleman Mr. Mills Sir Iohn Friendly his neighbour Mr. Iohnson Coupler a Match-maker Mr. Simson Bull Chaplain to Sir Tunbelly Mr. Haynes Serringe a Surgeon Mr. Dogget Lory Servant to Young Fashion Shoomaker Taylor Perriwig-maker c. Women Mrs. Rogers Amanda Wife to Loveless Mrs. Verbruggen Berrinthia her Cousin a young Widow Mrs. Cross. Miss Hoyden a great Fortune Daughter to Sir Tunbelly Mrs. Powell Nurse her Gouvernant THE RELAPSE OR Virtue in Danger Being the Sequel of The Fool in Fashion ACT I. SCENE I. Enter Lovelace reading HOW true is that Philosophy which says Our Heaven is seated in our Minds Through all the Roving Pleasures of my Youth Where Nights and Days seem'd all consum'd in Joy Where the false Face of Luxury Display'd such Charms As might have shaken the most holy Hermit And made him totter at his Altar I never knew one Moment's Peace like this Here in this little soft Retreat My Thoughts unbent from all the Cares of Life Content with Fortune Eas'd from the grating Duties of Dependance From Envy free Ambition under foot The raging Flame of wild destructive Lust Reduc'd to a warm pleasing Fire of lawful Love My Life glides on and all is well within Enter Amanda Lov. meeting her kindly How does the happy Cause of my Content my dear Amanda You find me musing on my happy State And full of grateful Thoughts to Heaven and you Am. Those grateful Offerings Heaven can't receive With more Delight than I do Wou'd I cou'd share with it as well The Dispensations of its Bliss That I might search its choicest Favours out And shower 'em on your Head for ever Lo. The largest Boons that Heaven thinks fit to grant To Things it has decreed shall crawl on Earth Are in the Gift of Women form'd like you Perhaps when Time shall be no more When the aspiring Soul shall take its flight And drop this pondrous Lump of Clay behind it It may have Appetites we know not of And Pleasures as refin'd as its Desires But till that Day of Knowledge shall instruct me The utmost Blessing that my Thought can reach Taking her in his Arms. Is folded in my Arms and rooted in my Heart Am. There let it grow for ever Lov. Well said Amanda let it be for ever Wou'd Heaven grant that Am. 'T were all the Heaven I 'd ask But we are clad in Black Mortality and the dark Curtain of Eternal Night at last must drop between us Lov. It must that mournful Separation we must see A bitter Pill it is to all but doubles its ungrateful Taste When Lovers are to swallow it Am. Perhaps that Pain may only be my Lott You possibly may be exempted from it Men find out softer Ways to quench their Fires Lov. Can you then doubt my Constancy Amanda You 'l find 't is built upon a steady Basis The Rock of Reason now supports my Love On which it stands so fix'd The rudest Hurricane of wild Desire Would like the Breath of a soft slumbring Babe Pass by and never shake it Am. Yet still 't is safer to avoid the Storm The strongest Vessels if they put to Sea May possibly be lost Wou'd I cou'd keep you here in this calm Port for ever Forgive the Weakness of a Woman I am uneasie at your going to stay so long in Town I know its false insinuating Pleasures I know the Force of its Delusions I know the Strength of its Attacks I know the weak Defence of Nature I know you are a Man and I a Wife Lov. You know then all that needs to give you Rest For Wife 's the strongest Claim that you can urge When you would plead your Title to my Heart On this you may depend therefore be calm Banish your Fears for they are Traytors to your Peace Beware of 'em they are insinuating busie Things That Gossip to and fro and do a World of Mischief Where they come But you shall soon be Mistress of 'em all I 'll aid you with such Arms for their Destruction They never shall erect their heads again You know the Business is indispensable that obliges Me to go for London and you have no Reason that I know of to believe I 'm glad of the Occasion For my honest Conscience is my Witness I have found a due Succession of such Charms In my Retirement here with you I have never thrown one Roving Thought that way But since against my Will I 'm dragg'd once more To that uneasie Theatre of Noise I am resolv'd to make such use on 't As shall convince you 't is an old-cast Mistress Who has been so lavish of her Favours She 's now grown Bankrupt of her Charms And has not one Allurement left to move me Am. Her Bow I do believe is grown so weak Her Arrows at this distance cannot hurt you But in approaching 'em you give 'em strength The Dart that has not far to fly Will put the best of Armour to a dangerous Trial. Lov. That Trial past and y' are at Ease for ever When you have seen the Helmet prov'd You 'l apprehend no more for him that wears it Therefore to put a lasting Period to your Fears I am resolv'd this once to launch into Temptation I 'll give you an Essay of all my Virtues My former boon Companions of the Bottle Shall fairly try what Charms are left in Wine I 'll take my Place amongst 'em They shall hemm me in Sing Praises to their God and drink his Glory Turn
wild Enthusiasts for his sake And Beasts to do him Honour Whilst I a stubborn Atheist Sullenly look on Without one Reverend Glass to his Divinity That for my Temperance Then for my Constancy Am. Ay there take heed Lo. Indeed the Danger 's small Am. And yet my Feats are great Lo. Why are you so timerous Am. Because you are so bold Lo. My Courage shou'd disperse your apprehensions Am. My Apprehensions shou'd allarm your Courage Lo. Fy Fy Amanda it is not kind thus to distrust me Am. And yet my Fears are founded on my Love Lo. Your Love then is not founded as it ought For if you can believe 't is possible I shou'd again relapse to my past Follies I must appear to you a thing Of such an undigested composition That but to think of me with Inclination Wou'd be a weakness in your Taste Your Virtue scarce cou'd answer Am. ' Twou'd be a weakness in my Tongue My Prudence cou'd not answer If I shou'd press you farther with my Fears I 'll therefore trouble you no longer with ' em Lo. Nor shall they trouble you much longer A little time shall shew you they were groundless This Winter shall be the Fiery-Tryal of my Virtue Which when it once has past You 'll be convinc'd 't was of no false Allay There all your Cares will end Am. Pray Heaven they may Exeunt Hand in Hand SCENE Whitehall Enter Young Fashion Lory and Waterman Y. F. COme pay the Waterman and take the Portmantle Lory Faith Sir I think the Waterman had as good take the Portmantle and pay himself Y. F. VVhy shure there 's something left in 't Lo. But a solitary old VVastcoat upon Honour Sir Y. F. Why what 's become of the Blue Coat Sirrah Lo. Sir 'T was eaten at Gravesend the Reckoning came to Thirty Shillings and your Privy Purse was worth but two Halfe Crowns Y. F. 'T is very well Wat. Pray Master will you please to dispatch me Y. F. Ay here a Canst thou change me a Guinea Lo. aside Good Wat. Change a Guinea Master ha ha your Honor 's Pleas'd to Compliment Y. F. I'gad I don't know how I shall pay thee then for I have nothing but Gold about me Lo. aside Hum Hum. Y F. What dost thou expect Friend Wat. Why Master so far against Wind and Tide is richly worth Half a Piece Y. F. Why faith I think thou art a good conscionable Fellow I'gad I begin to have so good an opinion of thy Honesty I care not if I leave my Portmantle with thee Till I send thee thy Money Wat. Ha! God bless your Honour I shou'd be as willing to trust you Master but that you are as a Man may say a stranger to me and these are nimble Times There are a great many Sharpers stirring Taking up the Portmantle Well Master when your Worship sends the Money Your Portmantle shall be forth coming my Name 's Tugg my Wife keeps a Brandy-shop in Drab-Alley At Wapping Y. F. Very well I 'll send for 't to Morrow Exit Wat. Lo. So ' Now Sir I hope you 'll own your self a Happy Man You have out-liv'd all your Cares Y. F. How so Sir Lo. Why you have nothing left to take care of Y. F. Yes Sirrah I have my self and you to take care of still Lo. Sir if you cou'd but prevail with some body else to do that for you I fancy we might both fare the better for 't Y. F. Why if thou canst tell me where to apply my self I have at present so little Money and so much Humility about me I don't know but I may follow a fool's advice Lo. Why then Sir your Fool advises you to lay aside all Animosity and apply to Sir Novelty your Elder Brother Y. F. Damn my Elder Brother Lo. With all my Heart but get him to redeem your Annuity however Y. F. My Annuity S'death he 's such a Dog he wou'd not give his Powder Puff to redeem my Soul Lo. Look you Sir you must wheedle him or you must starve Y. F. Look you Sir I will neither wheedle him nor starve Lo. Why What will you do then Y. F. I 'll go into the Army Lo. You can't take the Oaths you are a Iacobite Y. F. Thou may'st as well say I can't take Orders because I 'm an Atheist Lo. Sir I ask your Pardon I find I did not know the strength of your Conscience so well as I did the weakness of your Purse Y. F. Methinks Sir a person of your Experience should have known that the strength of the Conscience proceeds from the weakness of the Purse Lo. Sir I am very glad to find you have a Conscience able to take care of us let it proceed from what it will but I desire you 'l please to consider that the Army alone will be but a scanty maintenance for a Person of your Generosity at least as Rents now are paid I shall see you stand in damnable need of some Auxiliary Guineas for you Menu Plaisirs I will therefore turn fool once more for your service and advise you to go directly to your Brother Y. F. Art thou then so impregnable a Blockhead to believe he 'l help me with a Farthing Lo. Not if you treat him De haut En bas As you use to do Y. F. Why how wou'dst have me treat him Lo. Like a Trout Tickle him Y. F. I cann't Flatter Lo. Can you starve Y. F. Yes Lo. I cann't Good by t' ye Sir Going Y. F. Stay thou wilt distract me What wou'dst thou have me say to him Lo. Say nothing to him apply your self to his Favourites speak to his Periwig his Cravat his Feather his Snuff-Box and when you are well with them desire him to lend you a Thousand Pounds I 'll ingage you prosper Y. F. S'death and Furys why was that Coxcomb thrust into the World before me O Fortune Fortune Thou art a Bitch by Gad Exeunt SCENE A Dressing-Room Enter Lord Foppington in his Night-Gown L. F. PAge Enter Page P. Sir L. F. Sir Pray Sir do me the Favour to teach your Tongue the Title the King has thought fit to honour me with P. I ask your Lordships Pardon my Lord. L. F. O you can pronounce the Word then I thought it wou'd have choak'd you D' ye hear P. My Lord. L. F. Call La Verole I wou'd Dress Exit Page Solus Well 't is an unspeakable pleasure to be a Man of Quality Strike me dumb My Lord your Lordship My Lord Foppington Ah c'est quelque Chose de beau que le Diable m'emporte Why the Ladys were ready to pewk at me whilst I had nothing but Sir Navelty to recommend me to 'em Sure whilst I was but a Knight I was a very nauseous Fellow Well 't is Ten Thousand Pawnd well given stap my Vitals Enter La Verole Me Lord de Shoomaker de Taylor de Hosier de Semstress de Barber be all ready if your Lordship please to be Dress L.
F. 'T is well admit ' em L. V. Hey Messieurs Entrez Enter Taylor c. L. F. So Gentlemen I hope you have all taken pains to shew your selves Masters in your Professions Tay. I think I may presume to say Sir L. V. My Lord You Clawn you Tay. Why is he made a Lord My Lord I ask your Lordships Pardon my Lord I hope my Lord your Lordship will please to own I have brought your Lordship as accomplisht a Suit of Cloaths as ever Peer of England trode the Stage in my Lord will your Lordship please to try 'em now L. F. Ay but let my People dispose the Glasses so that I may see my self before and behind for I love to see my self all raâ—nd Whilst he puts on his Cloaths Enter young Fashion and Lory Y. F. Hey-day what the Devil have we here Sure my Gentleman 's grown a Favourite at Court he has got so many People at his Levee Lo. Sir these People come in order to make him a Favorite at Court they are ro establish him with the Ladys Y. F. Good God to what an ebb of Tast are Women fallen that it shou'd be in the power of a Lace't Coat to recommend a Gallant to ' em Lo. Sir Taylors and Periwigmakers are now become the Bawds of the Nation 't is they debauch all the Women Y. F. Thou say'st true for there 's that Fop now has not by Nature wherewithal to move a Cook-Maid and by that time these Fellows have done with him ' I gad he shall melt down a Countess But now for my Reception I 'll ingage it shall be as cold a one as a Courtiers to his Friend Who comes to put him in mind of his Promise L. Fop. to his Taylor Death and Eternal Tartures Sir I say the Packet's too high by a Foot Tay. My Lord if it had been an Inch lower it would not have held your Lordships Pocket-Handkerchief L. F. Rat my Pocket-Handkerchief have not I a Page to carry it you may make him a Packet up to his Chin a purpose for it But I will not have mine come so near my Face Tay. 'T is not for me to dispute your Lordships Fancy Y. F. to Lor. His Lordship Lory did you observe that Lo. Yes Sir I always thought 't would end there Now I hope you 'll have a little more Respect for him Y. F. Respect Damn him for a Coxcomb now has he ruin'd his Estate to buy a Title that he may be a Fool of the First Rate But let 's accost him To L. F. Brother I 'm your humble Servant L. F. O Lard Tam I did not expect you in England Brother I am glad to see you Turning to his Taylor Look you Sir I shall never be reconcil'd to this nauseous Packer therefore pray get me another Suit with all manner of Expedition for this is my Eternal Aversion Mrs. Callicoe Are not you of my Mind Semstress O directly my Lord it can never be too low L. F. You are positively in the right on 't for the Packet becomes no part of the Body but the Knee Sems I hope your Lordship is pleas'd with your Stinkirk L. F. In love with it stap my Vitals Bring your Bill you shall be paid to Marrow Sems I humbly thank your Honour Exit Sems L. F. Hark thee Shooemaker these Shooes an 't ugly but they don't fit me Shooe My Lord my thinks they fit you very well L. F. They hurt me just below the Instep Shoo. feeling his Foot My Lord they don't hurt you there L F. I tell thee they pinch me execrably Shooe My Lord if they pinch you I 'll be bound to be hang'd that 's all L. F. Why wilt thou undertake to perswade me I cannot feel Shooe Your Lordship may please to feel what you think fit but that Shooe does not hurt you I think I understand my Trade L. F. Now by all that 's Great and Powerful thou art an incomprehensible Coxcomb but thou makest good Shooes and so I 'll bear with thee Shooe My Lord I have workt for half the People of Quality in Town these Twenty Years and 't were very hard I should not know when a Shooe hurts and when it don't L. F. Well prithee begone about thy Business Exit Shooe To the Hosier Mr. Mend-Legs a word with you the Calves of these Stockins are thicken'd a little too much They make my Legs look like a Chairman's Men. My Lord my thinks they look mighty well Lord F. Ay but you are not so good a Judge of these Things as I am I have study'd 'em all my Life therefore pray let the next be the thickness of a Crawn-piece less Aside If the Town takes notice my Legs are fallen away 't wil be attributed to the Violence of some new Intrigue To the Periwig-maker Come Mr. Foretop let me see what you have done and then the Fatigue of the Marning will be over Foretop My Lord I have done what I defie any Prince in Europe t' outdo I have made you a Periwig so long and so full of Hair it will serve you for Hat and Cloak in all Weathers Lord F. Then thou hast made me thy Friend to Eternity Come comb it out Y. F. Well Lory what dost think on 't A very Friendly Reception from a Brother after 3 Years absence Lo. Why Sir it 's your own fault we seldom care for those that don't love what we love if you would creep into his Heart you must enter into his Pleasures Here have you stood ever since you came in and have not commended any one Thing that belongs to him Y. F. Nor never shall whilst they belong to a Coxcomb Lo. Then Sir you must be content to pick a hungry Bone Y. F. No Sir I 'll crack it and get to the Marrow before I have done Lord F. Gad's curse Mr. Foretop you don't intend to put this upon me for a full Periwig For. Not a full one my Lord I don't know what your Lordship may please to call a full one but I have cram'd 20 Ounces of Hair into it Lord F. What it may be by Weight Sir I shall not dispute but by Tale there are not 9 Hairs of a side For. O Lord O Lord O Lord why as Gad shall judge me your Honour's Side-Face is reduc'd to the tip of your Nose Lord F. My Side-Face may be in Eclipse for aught I know But I 'm sure my Full-Face is like the Full-Moon For. Heavens bless my Eye-sight Rubbing his Eyes Sure I look through the wrong end of the Perspective for by my Faith an 't please your Honour the broadest place I see in your Face does not seem to me to be two inches Diameter Lord F. If it did it wou'd be just two inches too broad Far a Periwig to a Man shou'd be like a Mask to a Woman nothing shou'd be seen but his Eyes For. My Lord I have done if you please to have more Hair in your Wig I 'll
it so awkardly you 'd find me out Aman. Then e'en speak the Truth Ber. Shall I Then after all I did love him Amanda as a Nun does Penance Aman. Why did not you refuse to marry him then Ber. Because my Mother wou'd have whipt me Aman. How did you live together Ber. Like Man and Wife asunder He lov'd the Country I the Town He Hawks and Hounds I Coaches and Equipage He Eating and Drinking I Carding and Playing He the sound of a Horn I the squeak of a Fiddle We were dull Company at Table worse abed Whenever we met we gave one another the Spleen And never agreed but once which was about lying alone Aman. But tell me one thing trâ—â—y and sincerely Ber. What 's that Aman. Notwithstanding all these Jars did not his Death at last extremely trouble you Ber. O yes Not that my present Pangs were so very violent but the after-pains were intollerable I was forc'd to wear a Beastly Widow's Band a Twelve month for 't Aman. Women I find have different Inclinations Ber. Women I find keep different Company When your Husband ran away from you if you had fallen into some of my Acquaintance 't wou'd have sav'd you many a Tear But you go and live with a Grandmother a Bishop and an old Nurse which was enough to make any Woman break her heart for her Husband Pray Amanda if ever you are a Widow again keep your self so as I do Aman. Why do you then resolve you 'll never marry Ber. O no I resolve I will Aman. How so Ber. That I never may Aman. You banter me Ber. Indeed I don't But I consider I 'm a Woman and form my Resolutions accordingly Aman. Well my Opinion is form what Resolution you will Matrimony will be the end on 't Ber. Faith it won't Aman. How do you know Ber. I 'm sure on 't Aman. Why do you think 't is impossible for you to fall in Love Ber. No. Aman. Nay but to grow so passionately fond that nothing but the Man you love can give you rest Ber. Well what then Aman. Why then you 'll marry him Ber. How do you know that Aman. Why what can you do else Ber. Nothing but sit and cry Aman. Psha Ber. Ah poor Amanda you have led a Country Life But if you 'll consult the Widows of this Town they 'll tell you you shou'd never take a Lease of a House you can hire for a Quarter's Warning Exeunt The End of the Second ACT. ACT III. Enter Lord Foppington and Servant L. Fop. HEY Fellow let the Coach come to the Door Ser. Will your Lordship Venture so soon to expose your self to the Weather L. Fop. Sir I will venture as soon as I can to expose my self to the Ladies tho' give me my Cloak however for in that Side-Box what between the Air that comes in at the Door on one side and the intollerable warmth of the Masks on t'other A Man gets so many Heats and Colds 't wou'd destroy the Canstitution of a Harse Ser. putting on his Cloak I wish your Lordship wou'd please to keep House a little longer I 'm afraid your Honour does not well consider your Wound L. Fop. My Wound I wou'd not be in Eclipse another Day tho' I had as many Wounds in my Guts as I have had in my Heart Enter Young Fashion Y. Fash. Brother your Servant How do you find your self to day L. Fop. So well that I have arder'd my Coach to the Door So there 's no great danger of Death this baut Tam. Y. Fas. I 'm very glad of it L. Fop. aside That I believe's a Lye Prithee Tam tell me one thing Did nat your Heart cut a Caper up to your Mauth when you heard I was run through the Bady Y. Fas. Why do you think it shou'd L. Fop. Because I remember mine did so when I heard my Father was shat through the Head Y. Fas. It then did very ill L. Fop. Prithee why so Y. Fas. Because he us'd you very well L. Fop. Well naw strike me dumb he starv'd me He has let me want a Thausand Women for want of a Thausand Pound Y. Fas. Then he hindred you from making a great many ill Bargains for I think no Woman is worth Money that will take Money L. Fop. If I were a younger Brother I shou'd think so too Y. Fas. Why is it possible you can value a Woman that 's to be bought L. Fop. Prithee why not as well as a Pad-Nag Y. Fas. Because a Woman has a Heart to dispose of a Horse has none L. Fop. Look you Tam of all things that belang to a Woman I have an Aversion to her Heart Far when once a Woman has given you her Heart you can never get rid of the rest of her Body Y. Fas. This is strange Doctrine But pray in your Amours how is it with your own Heart L. Fop. Why my Heart in my Amours is like my Heart aut of my Amours à la glace My Bady Tam is a Watch and my Heart is the Pendulum to it whilst the Finger runs raund to every Hour in the Circle that still beats the same time Y. Fas. Then you are seldom much in Love L. Fop. Never stap my Vitals Y. Fas. Why then did you make all this bustle about Amanda L. Fop. Because she was a Woman of an Insolent Vertue and I thought my self pickt in Honour to debauch her Y. Fas. Very well Aside Here 's a rare Fellow for you to have the spending of Five Thousand Pounds a Year But now for my business with him To L. Fop. Brother tho' I know to talk to you of business especially of Money is a Theme not quite so entertaining to you as that of the Ladies My Necessities are such I hope you 'll have patience to hear me L. Fop. The greatness of your Necessities Tam is the worst argument in the World for your being patiently heard I do believe you are going to make me a very good Speech but strike me Dumb it has the worst beginning of any Speech I have heard this Twelve-month Y. Fas. I 'm very sorry you think so L. Fop. I do believe thau art But come let 's know thy Affair quickly far 't is a new Play and I shall be so rumpled and squeez'd with pressing through the Crawd to get to my Servant the Women will think I have lain all Night in my Cloaths Y. Fas. Why then that I may not be the Author of so great a Misfortune my Case in a Word is this The necessary Expences of my Travels have so much exceeded the wretched Income of my Annuity that I have been forc'd to Mortgage it for Five Hundred Pounds which is spent so that unless you are so kind to assist me in redeeming it I know no Remedy but to go take a Purse L. Fop. Why Faith Tam to give you my sence of the thing I do think taking a Purse the best Remedy in the
sure of it or no what risque do you run in trying Lov. O a very great one Ber. How Lov. You might betray my Distemper to my Wife Ber. And so lose all my Practice Lov. Will you then keep my Secret Ber. I will if it don't burst me Lov. Swear Ber. I do Lov. By what Ber. By Woman Lov. That 's swearing by my Deity Do it by your own or I shan't believe you Ber. By Man then Lov. I 'm satisfy'd Now hear my Symptoms and give me your Advice The first were these When 't was my Chance to see you at the Play A randome Glance you threw at first alarm'd me I cou'd not turn my eyes from whence the danger came I gaz'd upon you 'till you shot again And then my Fears came on me My heart began to pant my limbs to tremble My Blood grew thin my Pulse beat quick My Eyes grew hot and dim and all the frame of Nature Shook with Apprehension 'T is true some small Recruits of Resolution My Manhood brought to my Assistance And by their help I made a stand a while But found at last your Arrows flew so thick They cou'd not fail to pierce me So left the Field And fled for Shelter to Amanda's Arms. What think you of these Symptoms pray Ber. Feverish every one of em But what relief pray did your Wife afford you Lov. Why instantly she let me blood which for the present much asswag'd my Flame But when I saw you out it burst again and rag'd with greater fury than before Nay since you now appear 't is so encreas'd that in a moment if you do not help me I shall whilst you look on consume to Ashes Taking hold of her hand Ber. breaking from him O Lard let me go 'T is the Plague and we shall all be infected Lov. catching her in his Arms and kissing her Then we 'll dye together my Charming Angel Ber. O Ged the Devil 's in you Lord let me go here 's some body coming Enter Servant Serv. Sir my Lady 's come home and desires to speak with you She 's in her Chamber Lov. Tell her I 'm coming Exit Serv. To Ber. But before I go one Glass of Nectar more to Drink her Health Ber. Stand off or I shall hate you by Heavens Lov. Kissing her In matters of Love a Woman's Oath is no more to be minded than a Man's Ber. Um Enter Worthy Wor. Ha! What 's here my old Mistress and so close I faith I wou'd not spoil her sport for the Universe He retires Ber. O Ged Now do I pray to Heaven Exit Loveless running With all my Heart and Soul that the Devil In Hell may take me if ever I was better pleas'd in My Life This Man has bewitch'd me that 's certain Sighing Well I am Condemn'd but thanks to Heaven I feel My self each Moment more and more prepar'd for my Execution Nay to that degree I don't perceive I have The least fear of Dying No I find let the Executioner be but a Man and there 's nothing will Suffer with more Resolution than a Woman Well I never had but one Intrigue yet But I confess I long to have another Pray Heaven it end as the first did tho' That we may both grow weary at a time For 't is a Melancholy thing for Lovers to out-live one another Enter Worthy Wor. aside This Discovery's a lucky one I hope to make a happy use on 't That Gentlewoman there is no Fool so I shall be able to make her understand her Interest To Ber. Your Servant Madam I need not ask you how you do you have got so good a Colour Ber. No better than I us'd to have I suppose Wor. A little more Blood in your Cheeks Ber. The Weather 's hot Wor. If it were not a Woman may have a Colour Ber. What do you mean by that Wor. Nothing Ber. Why do you Smile then Wor. Because the Weather 's hot Ber. You 'll never leave Roguing I see that Wor. putting his Finger to his Nose You 'll never leave I see that Ber. Well I can't imagine what you drive at Pray tell me what you mean Wor. Do you tell me it 's the same thing Ber. I can't Wor. Guess Ber. I shall guess wrong Wor. Indeed you wont Ber. â—â—shall either tell or let it alone Wor. Nay rather than let it alone I will tell But first I must put you in mind That after what has past 'twixt you and I very few things ought to be Secrets between us Ber. Why what Secrets do we hide I know of none Wor. Yes there are two one I have hid from you and t'other you wou'd hide from me You are fond of Loveless which I have discover'd And I am fond of his Wife Ber. Which I have discover'd Wor. Very well now I confess your discovery to be true What do you say to mine Ber. Why I confess I wou'd swear 't were false if I thought you were Fool enough to believe me Wor. Now am I almost in Love with you again Nay I don't know but I might be quite so had I made one short Campaign with Amanda Therefore if you find 't wou'd tickle your Vanity to bring me down once more to your Lure e'en help me quickly to dispatch her business that I may have nothing else to do but to apply my self to yours Ber. Do you then think Sir I am old enough to be a Bawd Wor. No But I think you are wise enough to Ber. To do what Wor. To hoodwink Amanda with a Gallant that she mayn't see who is her Husband's Mistress B. aside He has reason The hint's a good one Wor. Well Madam What think you on 't Ber. I think you are so much a deeper Politician in these Affairs than I am that I ought to have a very great regard to your Advice Wor. Then give me leave to put you in mind that the most easie safe and pleasant Situation for your own Amour is the House in which you now are provided you keep Amanda from any sort of Suspicion That the way to do that is to engage her in an Intrigue of her own making your self her Confident And the way to bring her to Intrigue is to make her Jealous of her Husband in a wrong place which the more you foment the less you 'll be suspected This is my Scheme in short which if you follow as you shou'd do my dear Berinthia we may all four pass the Winter very pleasantly Ber. Well I cou'd be glad to have no body's Sins to answer for but my own But where there is a necessity Wor. Right as you say where there is a necessity a Christian is bound to help his Neighbour So good Berinthia lose no time but let us begin the Dance as fast as we can Ber. Not till the Fiddles are in Tune pray Sir Your Ladies strings will be very apt to fly I can tell you that if they are wound up too hastily But if
Tunbelly pleases Y. Fas. But will you do me the favour Sir to know whethe Sir Tunbelly pleases or not Ser. Why look you do you see with good words much may be done Ralph go thy weas and ask Sir Tunbelly if he pleases to be waited upon And do'st hear Call to Nurse that she may lock up Miss Hoyden before the Geats open Y. Fas. D' ye hear that Lory Lo. Ay Sir I 'm afraid we shall find a difficult Job on 't Pray Heaven that Old Rogue Coupler han't sent us to fetch Milk out of the Gunroom Y. Fas. I 'll warrant thee all will go well See the Door opens Enter Sir Tunbelly with his Servants Arm'd with Guns Clubs Pitchforks Sythes c. Lo. running behind his Master O Lord O Lord O Lord We are both dead Men. Y. Fas. Take heed Fool thy Fear will ruine us Lo. My Fear Sir 'Sdeath Sir I fear nothing Aside Wou'd I were well up to the Chin in a Horse-Pond Sir Tun. Who is it here has any business with me Y. Fas. Sir 't is I if your Name be Sir Tunbelly Clumsey Sir Tun. Sir my Name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsey whither you have any business with me or not So you see I am not asham'd of my Name nor my Face neither Y. Fas. Sir you have no Cause that I know of Sir Tun. Sir if you have no cause neither I desire to know who you are for till I know your Name I shall not ask you to come into my House and when I know your Name 't is six to four I don't ask you neither Y. Fas. giving him a Letter Sir I hope you 'll find this Letter an Authentick Passport Sir Tun. Cod's my Life I ask your Lordship's Pardon ten Thousand times To his Servants Here run in a-doors quickly Get a Scotch Coal Fire in the great Parlour set all the Turkey-work Chairs in their places get the great Brass Candlesticks out and be sure stick the Sockets full of Laurel run Turning to Y. Fas. My Lord I ask your Lordship's pardon To other Servants And do you hear run away to Nurse bid her let Miss Hoyden loose again and if it was not shifting-day let her put on a clean Tucker quick Exeunt Servants confusedly To Y. Fas. I hope your Honour will excuse the disorder of my Family we are not us'd to receive Men of your Lordship's great Quality every day pray where are your Coaches and Servants my Lord Y. Fas. Sir that I might give you and your fair Daughter a proof how impatient I am to be nearer a kin to you I left my Equipage to follow me and came away Post with only one Servant Sir Tun. Your Lordship does me too much honour it was exposing your Person to too much Fatigue and Danger I protest it was but my Daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she can and tho' I say it that shou'd not say it Hoyden has Charms Y. Fas. Sir I am not a stranger to them tho' I am to her Common Fame has done her Justice Sir Tun. My Lord I am Common Fame's very grateful humble Servant My Lord my Girl 's young Hoyden is young my Lord but this I must say for her what she wants in Art she has by Nature what she wants in Experience she has in Breeding and what 's wanting in her Age is made good in her Constitution So pray my Lord walk in pray my Lord walk in Y. Fas. Sir I wait upon you Exeunt Miss Hoyden Sola Sure never no body was us'd as I am I know well enough what other Girls do for all they think to make a Fool of me It 's well I have a Husband a coming or I cod I 'de Marry the Baker I wou'd so No body can knock at the gate but presently I must be lockt up and here 's the young Greyhound Bitch can run loose about the house all day long she can 't is very well Nurse without opening the Door Miss Hoyden Miss Miss Miss Miss Hoyden Enter Nurse Miss Well what do you make such a noise for ha What do you din a Bodies Ears for Can 't one be at quiet for you Nurse What do I din your Ears for here 's one come will din your Ears for you Miss What care I who 's come I care not a Fig who comes nor who goes as long as I must be lock'd up like the Ale-Cellar Nurse That Miss is for fear you shou'd be drank before you are Ripe Miss O don't you trouble your head about that I 'm as Ripe as you tho' not so Mellow Nurse Very well now have I a good mind to lock you up again and not let you see my Lord to Night Miss My Lord Why is my Husband come Nurse Yes marry is he and a goodly Person too Miss hugging Nurse O my dear Nurse forgive me this once and I 'll never misuse you again no if I do you shall give me three thumps on the Back and a great pinch by the Cheek Nurse Ah the poor thing see how it melts it 's as full of good Nature as an Egg 's full of Meat Miss But my dear Nurse don't lie now is he come by your troth Nurse Yes by my truly is he Miss O Lord I 'll go put on my Lac'd Smock tho' I 'm whipt 'till the blood run down my heels for 't Exit running Nurse Eh the Lord succour thee how thou art delighted Exit after her Enter Sir Tunbelly and Young Fashion A Servant with Wine Sir Tun. My Lord I am proud of the honour to see your Lordship within my Doors and I humbly crave leave to bid you wellcome in a Cup of Sack Wine Y. Fas. Sir to your Daughters health Drinks Sir Tun. Ah poor Girl she 'll be scar'd out of her wits on her Wedding Night for honestly speaking she does not know a Man from a Woman but by his Beard and his Britches Y. Fas. Sir I don't doubt but she has a Virtuous Education which with the rest of her Merit makes me long to see her mine I wish you wou'd dispence with the Canonical hour and let it be this very Night Sir Tun O not so soon neither that 's shooting my Girl before you bid her stand No give her fair warning we 'll Sign and Seal to Night if you please and this Day seven-night let the Jade look to her Quarters Y. Fas. This Day Sennight Why what do you take me for a Ghost Sir ' Slife Sir I 'm made of Flesh and Blood and Bones and Sinews and can no more live a week without your Daughter Than I can live a Month with her Aside Sir Tun. Oh I 'll warrant you my Hero young Men are hot I know but they don't boyl over at that rate neither besides my Wenches Wedding Gown is not come home yet Y. Fas. O no matter Sir I 'll take her in her shift Aside A Pox of this Old Fellow he 'll delay the business 'till my
in the dark Pulling her Ber. O Heavens I wou'd not be in the Dark with you for all the World Lov. I 'll try that Puts out the Candles Ber. O Lord are you mad what shall I do for Light Lov. You 'll do as well without it Ber. Why one can't find a Chair to sit down Lov. Come into the Closet Madam there 's Moon-shine upon the Couch Ber. Nay never pull for I will not go Lov. Then you must be carryed Carrying her Ber. Help help I 'm Ravish'd ruin'd undone O Lord I shall never be able to bear it Very softly SCENE Sir Tunbelly's House Enter Miss Hoyden Nurse Y. Fashion and Bull. Y. Fash. This quick dispatch of yours Mr. Bull I take so kindly it shall give you a claim to my Favour as long as I live I do assure you Miss And to mine too I promise you Bull. I most humbly thank your Honours and I hope since it has been my Lott to join you in the Holy Bands of Wedlock you will so well Cultivate the Soil which I have crav'd a Blessing on That your Children may swarm about you like Bees about a Honey Comb. Miss I Cod with all my Heart the more the merrier I say ha Nurse Enter Lory taking his Master hastily aside Lory One word with you for Heaven's sake Y. Fash. What the Devil 's the matter Lory Sir your Fortune 's ruin'd and I don't think your Life's worth a quarter of an Hours Purchase Yonder 's your Brother arriv'd with two Coaches and six Horses Twenty Footmen and Pages a Coat worth Fourscore Pound and a Perriwig down to his Knees so judge what will become of your Lady's Heart Y. Fash. Death and Furyes 't is impossible Lo. Fiends and Spectres Sir 't is true Y. Fash. Is he in the House yet Lo. No they are Capitulating with him at the Gate the Porter tells him he 's come to run away with Miss Hoyden and has Cock'd the Blunderbuss at him your Brother Swears Gad Damme they are a parcel of Clawns and he has a good mind to break off the Match but they have given the Word for Sir Tunbelly so I doubt all will come out presently Pray Sir resolve what you 'l do this moment for I Gad they 'l maul you Y. Fash. Stay a little to Miss My Dear here 's a troublesome business my Man tells me of but don't be frighten'd we shall be too hard for the Rogue Here 's an Impudent Fellow at the Gate not knowing I was come hither incognito has taken my Name upon him in hopes to run away with you Miss O the Brazen fac'd Varlet it 's well we are Married or may be we might never a been so Y. Fash. Aside I Gad like enough Prithee dear Doctor run to Sir Tunbelly and stop him from going to the Gate before I speak with him Bull. I fly my good Lord Exit Bull. Nurse An 't please your Honour my Lady and I had best lock our selves up 'till the danger be over Y. Fash. Ay by all means Miss Not so fast I won't be lock'd up any more I 'm Marry'd Y. Fash. Yes pray my Dear do 'till we have seiz'd this Rascal Miss Nay if you pray me I 'll do any thing Exeunt Miss and Nurse Y. Fash. O! here 's Sir Tunbelly coming to Lo. Hark you Sirrah things are better than you imagine the Wedding 's over Lo. The Devil it is Sir Y. Fash. Not a word all 's safe But Sir Tunbelly don't know it nor must not yet so I am resolv'd to brazen the Business out and have the Pleasure of turning the Impostor upon his Lordship which I believe may easily be done Enter Sir Tunbelly Chap. and Servants Arm'd Y. Fash. Did you ever hear Sir of so impudent an undertaking Sir Tun. Never by the Mass but we 'll tickle him I 'll warrant him Y. Fash. They tell me Sir he has a great many People with him disguis'd like Servants Sir Tun. Ay ay Rogues enough but I 'll soon raise the Posse upon ' em Y. Fash. Sir If you 'll take my advice we 'll go a shorter way to work I find who ever this Spark is he knows nothing of my being privately here so if you pretend to receive him civilly he 'll enter without Suspicion and as soon as he is within the Gate we 'll whip up the Draw-bridge upon his Back let fly the Blunderbuss to disperse his Crew and so commit him to Goal Sir Tun. I Gad your Lordship is an ingenious Person and a very great General but shall we kill any of 'em or not Y. Fash. No no fire over their Heads only to fright 'em I 'll warrant the Regiment scours when the Collonel's a Prisoner Sir Tun. Then come along my Boys and let your Courage be great for your Danger is but small Exeunt SCENE the Gate Enter Lord Foppington and Followers L. Fop. A Pax of these Bumkinly People will they open the Gate or do they desire I should grow at their Mote side like a Willow to the Porter Hey Fellow Prithee do me the Favour in as few words as thou canst find to express thy self to tell me whether thy Master will admit me or not that I may turn about my Coach and be gone Por. Here 's my Master himself now at hand he 's of Age he 'll give you his Answer Enter Sir Tunbelly and Servants Sir Tun. My most noble Lord I crave your Pardon for making your Honour wait so long but my Orders to my Servants have been to admit no body without my knowledge for fear of some attempt upon my Daughter the Times being full of Plots and Roguery L. Fop. Much Caution I must confess is a sign of great Wisdom But stop my Vitals I have got a Cold enough to destroy a Porter he hem Sir Tun. I am very sorry for 't indeed my Lord but if your Lordship please to walk in we 'll help you to some Brown Sugar-Candy My Lord I 'll shew you the way L. Fop. Sir I follow you with Pleasure Exeunt As Lord Foppington's Servants go to follow him in they clap the Door against La Verrole Servants within Nay hold you me there Sir La Ver. Jernie die qu'estce que veut dire ça Sir Tun. within Fire Porter Porter Fires Have among ye my Masters La Ver. Ah Je suis mort The Servants all run off Port. Not one Souldier left by the Mass. SCENE Changes to the Hall Enter Sir Tunbelly the Chaplain and Servants with Lord Foppington Disarm'd Sir Tun. Come bring him along bring him along L. Fop. What the Pax do you mean Gentlemen is it Fair time that you are all drunk before Dinner Sir Tun. Drunk Sirrah here 's an Impudent Rogue for you Drunk or Sober Bully I 'm a Justice of the Peace and know how to deal with Strolers L. Fop. Strolers Sir Tun. Ay Strolers come give an account of your self what 's your Name where do you live Do you pay
Council might â—ear 〈…〉 his Wife to his share Or were a Monarch so cruelly just To oblige a poor 〈◊〉 to be true to her Trust. But I have not 〈◊〉 for many Years past By marrying of People to make 'em grow Chast. 6. I therefore advise thee to let me go on Thou 'lt find I 'm the strength and support of thy Throne For â—â—ast thou but Eyes thru woud'st quickly perceive â—â— How smoothly thy Dart Slips into the Heart Of a Woman that 's Wed Whilst the shivering Maid Stands trembling and wishing but dare not receive it Chorus For Change c. The Mask ended enter young Fashion Coupler and Bull. Sir Tun. So very fine very fine I faith this is something like a Wedding now if Supper were but ready I 'de say a short Grace and if I had such a Bedfellow as Hoyden to Night I 'd say as short prayers Seeing Y. Fash. How now what have we got here a Ghost Nay it must be so for his Flesh and his Blood cou'd never have dar'd to appear before me To him Ah Rogue L. Fop. Stap my Vitals Tam again Sir Tun. My Lord will you cut his throat or shall I L. Fop. Leave him to me Sir if you please Prithee Tam be so ingenuous now as to tell me what thy Business is here Y. Fash. 'T is with your Bride L. Fop. Thau art the impudent'st Fellow that Nature has yet spawn'd into the Warld strike me speechless Y. Fash. Why you know my Modesty wou'd have starv'd me I sent it a begging to you and you wou'd not give it a Groat L. Fop. And dost thau expect by an excess of assurance to extart a maintenance fram me Y. Fash. taking Miss by the hand I do intend to extort your Mistress from you and that I hope will prove one L. Fop. I ever thaught Newgate or Bedlam wou'd be his Fartune and naw his Fate 's decided Prithee Loveless dost know of ever a Mad Doctor hard by Y. Fash. There 's one at your Elbow will Cure you presently To Bull. Prithee Doctor take him in hand quickly L. Fop. Shall I beg the favour of you Sir to pull your Fingers out of my Wife's Hand Y. Fash. His Wife Look you there now I hope you are all satisfy'd he 's Mad L. Fop. Naw is it nat passible far me to penetrate what species of fally it is that art driving at Sir Tun. Here here here let me beat out his brains and that will decide all L. Fop. No pray Sir hold we 'll destray him presently accarding to Law Y. Fash to Bull. Nay then advance Doctor come you are a Man of Conscience answer boldly to the questions I shall ask Did not you Marry me to this young Lady before ever that Gentleman there saw her face Bull. Since the Truth must out I did Y. Fash. Nurse sweet Nurse were not you a Witness to it Nurse Since my Conscience bids me speak I was Y. Fash. to Miss Madam am not I your lawful Husband Miss Truly I cann't tell but you Married me first Y. Fash. Now I hope you are all satisfy'd Sir Tun. offering to strike him â—â— held by Lov. and Wor Oons and Thunder you Lye L. Fop. Pray Sir be calm the Battel is in disarder but requires more Canduct than Courage to rally our Forces Pray Dactar one word with you To Bull aside Look you Sir tho' I will not presume to Calculate your Notions of Damnation fram the description you give us of Hell yet since there is at least a passibility you may have a Pitchfark thrust in your backside methinks it shou'd not be worth your while to risque your Saul in the next Warld far the sake of a beggarly yaunger Brather who is nat able to make your Bady happy in this Bull. Alas my Lord I have no Worldly ends I speak the truth Heaven knows L Fop. Nay Prithee never engage Heaven in the Matter for by all I can see 't is like to prove a business for the Devil Y. Fash. Come pray Sir all above-board no corrupting of Evidences if you please this young Lady is my Lawful Wife and I 'll justifie it in all the Courts of England so your Lordship who always had a passion for variety may go seek a new Mistress if you think fit L. Fop. I am struck dumb with his impudence and cannot passitively tell whether ever I shall speak again or not Sir Tun. Then let me come and examine the business a little I 'll jerk the truth out of 'em presently here give me my Dog-whip Y. Fash. Look you Old Gentleman 't is in vain to make a noise if you grow mutinous I have some Friends within call have Swords by their sides above four foot long therefore be calm hear the Evidence patiently and when the Jury have given their Verdict pass Sentence according to Law here 's honest Coupler shall be Foreman and ask as many questions as he pleases Coup All I have to ask is whether Nurse persists in her Evidence the Person I dare swear will never flinch from his Nurse to Sir Tun. kneeling I hope in Heaven your Worship will pardon me I have serv'd you long and faithfully but in this thing I was over-reach'd your Worship however was deceiv'd as well as I and if the Wedding Dinner had been ready you had put Madam to Bed to him with your own hands Sir Tun. But how durst you do this without acquainting of me Nurse Alas if your Worship had seen how the poor thing beg'd and pray'd and clung and twin'd about me like Ivy to an old Wall you wou'd say I who had suckled it and swadled it and Nurst it both wet and dry must have had a heart of Adamant to refuse it Sir Tun. Very well Y. Fash. Foreman I expect your Verdict Coup Ladies and Gentlemen what 's your Opinions All. A clear Case a clear Case Coup Then my young Folks I wish you joy Sir Tun to Y. Fash. Come hither Stripling if it be true then that thou hast Marry'd my Daughter prithee tell me who thou art Y. Fash. Sir the best of my Condition is I am your Son-in-Law and the worst of it is I am Brother to that Noble Peer there Sir Tun. Art thou Brother to that Noble Peer Why then that Noble Peer and thee and thy Wife and the Nurse and the Priest may all go and be damn'd together Exit Sir Tun. L. Fop. aside Now for my part I think the wisest thing a Man can do with an aking Heart is to put on a serene Countenance for a Philosophical Air is the most becoming thing in the World to the face of a Person of Quality I will therefore bear my disgrace like a Great Man and let the People see I am above an affront To Y. Fash. Dear Tam since Things are thus fallen aut prithee give me leave to wish thee â—ay I do it de bon Coeur strike me dumb you have Marry'd a Woman Beautiful in her Person Charming in her Ayr 's Prudent in her Canduct Canstant in her Inclinations and of a nice Marality Split my Wind-pipe Y. Fash. Your Lordship may keep up your Spirits with your Grimace if you please I shall support mine with this Lady and two Thousand Pound a year Taking Miss Come Madam We once again you see are Man and Wife And now perhaps the Bargain 's struck for Life If I mistake and we shou'd part again At least you see you may have choice of Men Nay shou'd the War at length such Havock make That Lovers shou'd grow scarce yet for your sake Kind Heaven always will preserve a Beau Pointing to L. Fop. You 'll find his Lordship ready to come to L. Fop. Her Ladyship shall stap my Vitals if I do EPILOGUE Spoken by Lord Foppington Gentlemen and Ladies THese People have regal'd you here to day In my Opinion with a saucy Play In which the Author does presume to shew That Coxcomb ab Origine was Beau. Truly I think the thing of so much weight Thus if some smart Chastisement ben't his Fate Gods Curse it may in time destroy the State I hold no one its Friend I must confess Who you 'd discauntenance your Men of dress Far give me leave t'abserve good Cloaths are Things Have ever been of great support to Kings All Treasons come from Slovens it is not Within the 〈◊〉 of gentle Beaux to Plâ—â—â— They have no gaul no spleen no teeth no stings Of all Gad's Creatures the most harmless things Through all Recard no Prince was ever slain By one who had a Feather in his Brain They 're Men of too refin'd an Education To squabble with a Court for a vile dirty Nation I 'm very positive you never saw A through Republican a finisht Beau. Nor truly shall you very often see A Jacobite much better drest than he In short through all the Courts that I have been in Your Men of mischief still are in faule Linnen Did ever one yet dance the Tyburn Iigg With a free air or a well-pawder'd Wigg Did ever Highway-man yet bid you stand With a sweet bawdy Snuff-bax in his hand Ar do you ever find they ask your Purse As men of breeding do Ladys Gads Curse This Auther is a Dagg and 't is not fit You shou'd allow him ev'n one grain of Wit To which that his presence may ne'er be nam'd My humble motion is he may de dam'd FINIS