stay we will have now I think on 't a Groats worth Bread and Two pence Drink Do what you will sweet-heart says he 't is your own Then she goes out of doors and comes back agen saying No now I think on 't Husband wee 'll have Four penny-worth of Drink and Two penny-worth of Bread Do what you please says he Sweet-heart 't is your own Out she goes agen but comes in presently O Husband says she now I think better on 't I am resolved to have Five penny worth of Drink and penny in Bread Do what you please my dear says he for 't is your own Then out she goes and comes immediately back agen I am now fully resolved to have it all in Drink and beg a Toast of them O dear Wife says he now thou hast won my Heart for ever Come I 'll give thee a Buss but be sure to let us have it quick quick quick you Rogue Well Sweet-heart says he how happy it was that thou wentest out to day 177. A Gentleman lately walking in the Strand was followed by a lusty begger who crav'd his benevolence he told him he 'd give him nothing still he urg'd him he bid him be gone and trouble him no more then he importun'd him the more Sirrah says he you Rogue I 'll not give you a Farthing Pray Sir says the Fellow let me speak but one word to you What 's that says he That your Worship would but procure me a Whore Why you Rogue says he do I look like a Pandar No Sir he said but there 's a Wise Man has said that a Whore will bring a Man to a Morsel of Bread which I should be glad of for I profess Sir I have seen none these three days Which conceit of his procur'd him a Shilling and then the Gentleman went away Well says the Fellow I see that a Whore has a great Influence upon some Men when but the Name of a Whore has now got me a Shilling I did love them pretty well formerly but now I shall love 'em the better as long as I live 178. A Nobleman once told his Fool that if he could but tell him what Sir John Falstaffs Christen name was he 'd settle Eight Pound a year upon him for his Life and he should Marry the Dairy Maid who he lov'd dearly Woo't I' faith Lord says the Fool. I that I will says the Lord Swear it Lord swear it says he I protest I will says my Lord Well stay a little then says he Sir John what says he why Sir John Falstaffs Christen name Nay says my Lord I 'll tell you further his Name is Falstaffe and he was Christened John now tell me what Sir John Falstaff's Christen Name is And after he had walkt Two or Three times about the Room my Lord urg'd him to tell him Prithee Lord says he tell me his Name once agen why his Name was Falstaffe and he was Christ'ned John Now tell me his Christen Name At last after half an hours pawsing Now Lord I have it I have it says he for I can tell what Sir John Falstaffs Christen name was and shall I have Eight pound a year Yes and Doll too I that thou shalt I protest says he agen Why then says he bear Witness for I have hit on it now Sir John Falstaff's Christen Name was he was Christened Sir John Falstaffe Look you there you Rogues who 's a Fool now Hey for Doll O brave Doll she 's my own I 'll go and buss her now for she 's mine own you Rogue 179. A Drunken Fellow one Night was taking a Pipe of Tobacco and being so reeling ripe he could not hit the Candle with his Pipe to light it which he finding took up the Candle in his hand and at last put the Pipe into the Candlestick instead of the Candle and then put the Candle into his Mouth instead of the Pipe and after he had suckt a pretty while and finding no smoak come but the sweet Tallow melting in his Mouth he Swore a great Oath that the Pipe-maker had not burnt it for 't was perfectly Clay still and therein he said true for how could the Candle be burnt when it was whole and unburnt and this Rogue of a Pihe-maker says he has also forgot to make a hole in it too A pox on 't says he I might a suckt long enough and so flung it away 180. A Country Fellow coming into London had a broken Groat in his pocket and came to a Goldsmiths Shop and putting off his Hat very low did desire of the Prentice that he would give him a little piece of Silver as big as a Hazel Nut to soder it agen and when you come into our Countrey says he I 'll give you a piece of Lead shall be ten times as big the Prentice told him he had something else to do What a Pox says he d' ye keep open Shop for if you won't part with any of your Goods Says t'other My Goods will prove but bad if I should part with 'em in this manner 181. A company of merry wags were got together at a Club among which were bandied to and fro many smart reparties but one among the Company that thought himself a great Wit and indeed I think so too for one askt him very seriously Whether he thought he was his own Mother's Son Truly says he Gentlemen I am not certain but I believe I am for you know that are wits 't is a hard question Then he was askt by another whether he thought he was his own Fathers Son Faith says he I can't well tell but for ought I know I am for how can I be sure of that Upon which they all fell a Laughing Why Gentlemen says he very discreetly 'T is a wise Child that knows his own Father 182. An Old Woman that had never seen a Jack-an-apes in her Life before and coming to Bedford to the Market saw one riding on a Dogs back and the Dog running away with him Says she I am afraid that Young Gentleman will fall by and by he rides so fast and when she saw he did not then she cried out Well rid Young Gentleman well rid Young Gentleman in truth he 's a good Horse-Man 183. A Drunken Fellow in the Streets met with an â—ncient acquaintance of his and desired him to lend him an Angel and I don't doubt but I shall pay pou within a month agen he askt him how He told him he had a great swelling in his Neck and he hoped it was the Kings-Evil which if it were then the King would give him an Angel with which he would pay him 184. An Old Man bringing his Son to be catechized at Easter the Minister thought the Old Man needed more instruction than his Son and askt him who made him the Old Man said he had forgot 't was so long since he was made says the Minister 't is a shame for you at these years to let
which his Master seeing Sirrah did not I bid you watch the Pigeons and do you stand loytering there Sir says he this is the best place for me to stand to watch the Pool that is not to suffer them to drink for if they don't drink I 'm sure they can't eat 26. A Welsh-man met another going up a Mountain with a large Pompion in his hand he askt him what it was He told him it 't was a Mare 's Egg and would have a Colt then he gave him a Groat for it and carried it up the Hill and when he was come to the Top by chance he let the Pompion fall which tumbled apace down the Hill till it came to a Bush where it stopt and by its beating the Bush forc'd out a Hare from thence which the Welsh-man seeing thought 't was a Colt and cried as it ran Stop her Colt stop her Colt yet for all that there went the Hare away which made the poor Welsh-man for Grief to turn bald in regard he had lost his Hare 27. A Lord Mayor being once invited to the Temple to Dinner but finding his entertainment at his first coming not to answer his expectation retired back without eating and at his coming out a Gentleman met one of his Servants and said to him Much good d'it you Sir Why now says he you think you have jeer'd me but I 'll assure you I have din'd to day as well as my Lord Mayor 28. A Mayor of a Town in Wiltshire came to give a Visit to the Mayor of Wooton Basset and when he came to his house he found him turning of the Spit which made him think he might jeer him abroad for it and therefore desired the other Mayor to sit down and turn the Spit whilst he went out to fetch some drink which he did and he in the mean time invited all the Aldermen of his Town to dinner where being come they found the other Mayor a turning the Spit which saved the Credit of the Mayor of Wooton Basset Probatum est 29. A rich and covetous Councellor of this Kingdom that had an only Child which was a Daughter and worth 20000 l. A young and handsome Gentleman of good Birth though of no great Fortune yet had so far insinuated himself into the Young Lady's Favour that she promis'd him Marriage if he could get her Father's Consent Immediately he comes for London and goes to her Father and told him That he would give him 10 l. for a Fee if he could assist him in a business which did much concern him which was That there was a rich young Heiress in Town which had promised him marriage if it could any way be made good by Law Why says he let her hire a Horse and invite you to take her away and let her get up before and you behind that it may not be said that you rode away with her but she with you and let her go to the Minister and tell him 't is her desire to be married to you and to get a Licence accordingly and when you are married then be sure to bed her and I 'll warrant you she 's your own And this says the Gentleman you 'll avouch for Law He told him Yes Well Sir says he if you will set your Hand to it I 'll give you Ten Pounds more which he did Immediately he goes into Countrey and shews the young Lady what was done and how 't was done and she accordingly performed her promise and suddenly married and bedded and having so continued a week they both came to London and came to her Father and fell down upon their Knees to him and craved his Blessing which made him at first fly into harsh Language but the Gentleman said We have done nothing but what you have avoucht for Law and have it under your hand The Lawyer fearing his Reputation might be brought in question and seeing him to be a handsome and well-bred Gentleman and of a good Family clapt both their hands together and bid God bless them and then gave them a Subsistence for the present and made over all to them after his death Probatum est 30. A mad roaring Fellow as he was riding falling from his horse pitch'd upon his head ran among the People standing by swearing that he had broke his Neck and they had no other cause but to believe him because he swore it so himself 31. A Countrey Fellow haing been at London and being come home a She-Neighbour ask'd him What News there was in London Faith says he all the news that I heard was That there was a great Press out for Cuckolds Are you sure on 't says she Sure on 't says he I 'm certain of it Then I am resolved says she my dear Husband shall not stir out till the Press is over I 'll allow him to press me but he shan't be press'd himself which shew'd her to be an honest and truly loving Wife 32. Says a Lady to her maid What are you with Child Hussey Yes forsooth Maedam Why who got it you whore My Master forsooth Where In the Truckle Bed Where was I then Asleep in the high Bed forsooth Why did you not call out you whore Why says she would your Ladyship have done so 33. An Arch Wagg hearing a Woman cry Kitchin Stuff ask't her what it was she said That which drops from Flesh Well says he Call to morrow morning and I 'll help you to some And having got a Pot full of Sir-reverence the Woman as her Custom is puts her hand into the Pot and drawing it out smelt the affront and began to be angry Nay says he don't be angry for I helpt you to that which falls from the Flesh 'T is very true indeed says she and I find your Flesh is now very dry she strok't his Face with her hand and it wants a little greasing and stands I think in need of basting too and being a lusty Jade did baste him well-favouredly 34. An English-man and his wife which was with Child Lodg'd at a French-mans house where they understood not one another It chanc't that one Night the English-woman call'd for a Midwife and he came down in his shirt to his Landlords Chamber to acquaint them with it and 't was a very cold Night says she to her Husband Let the English man come to Bed for he can't go to his own Bed as his Wives Condition is and you need not fear any thing seeing you are a Bed with me which being granted he lay down on the other side of the Woman and the French-man being tired the day before fell fast asleep But a little after the moving of the Bed awak'd her Husband saying What a Pox are you a doing Why what would you have me to dy says she if I should speak to him it would be to no purpose for you know he understands not a word of our Language 35. A Gallant did fancy that he sung exceeding well
although he had a very bad and hoarse Voice and having observed that a poor woman did always cry when she heard him sing askt her the reason of it Truly Sir said she When I was forc't being poor to sell all my Goods and nothing left me but one poor silly Ass which was all my Support and at last I lost my Ass too and that which makes me cry is that whensoever I hear you sing it puts me in mind of my poor Ass Tarbox for that beloved 36. A strange Gentleman being much necessitated for a House of Office in the City and being unacquainted went into an Upholsters Shop and bid him shew him a Close-stool Then he shewed him one What says he Have you no better Yes says he all of colour'd Velvet Go says he fetch me two or three down In the mean time he lets down his Breeches and sate down The Upholster coming down and seeing him in that posture ask'd him what he did Why truly says he I am trying of it And plucking up his Breeches again said He did not like any of them for they were all too low for him and so went out o' th' doors 37. A Doctor of Divinity in Oliver's days that had been sufficiently persecuted and plundered for his Loyalty to his Prince which made him and many others that held his Tenets to talk at random sometimes when they had nothing to lose but this talking of his happened to be a benefit to him for divers did acquaint Oliver that he was often heard to say that he did heartily wish that Oliver and all his Army were in Hell upon which Oliver sent him a Summons to appear before him and being come VVhy how now Doctor says he I did never expect to hear such Language to have proceeded from a man of your Coat VVhy Sir says the Doctor what did I say VVhy says Oliver I heard that you should wish that both my self and my Army were in Hell Is that all says the Doctor why truly Sir you need not endeavour to procure any testimony to make this manifest for I do confess I have said so a hundred times and do wish the same still and I think I have done exceedingly well in so wishing and my reasons are these For if you and your Army have conquered three such Kingdoms as these if you were all in Hell I think it were impossible for that one Kingdom to withstand you and that being conquered would it not be a great blessing to us all VVhich conceit not only procured his Pardon but a Restitution of his Parsonage also and likewise a Gratuity which made him as Loyal to him as he was before 38. A Scottish Minister being Chaplain to an English Regiment of Foot in the time of the Rump Parliament at Saint Edmonds Bury in Suffolk and there as he was preaching to them said Good Lord Bless the grand Council above viz. the Parliament and grant they may aw hang together which a Country Fellow that stood underneath hearing said Yes Sir with alll my Heart and the sooner the better and I am sure 't is the Prayers of all good people But good Friends says the Person I do not mean as that naughty man means but I pray that they may all hang together in Accord and Concord Yes says the Fellow again In any Cord so it be a strong Cord And when he had so said he slipt away from the Company At last being searcht for by the chief Officer there they could not find him How says he Is he slipt away If he had not he should have had the slip bestowed upon him for his unreverent Language to the Parliament 39. A great Cavalier in the time of the War betwixt the King and Parliament was taken Prisoner in the County of Chester by some of the Parliament-Forces and in regard that this Gentleman was a Collonel and had been very active in the Kings Service he was adjudged by the said Parliament aforesaid not only to Prison in Nantwich but there to be put in a dark Dungeon with nothing but Straw to lie on which he patiently endured for two days But on Saturday night he told the Goaler That he desired that he might have liberty to go to Church on the Morrow to hear their preaching perhaps says he I may be of your Opinion then which Sir William granted and as the Preacher was Praising God that all their great Victories he prayed God that he would be a Centinel also over that only Town of Nantwich that had been so faithful to the Parliament at that the Collonel started up saying Pray Sir must he be a Muscateer or a Pikeman Upon which he was conveyed to his aforesaid Lodging again Probatum est 40. In a Village in Norfolk where the Church stands upon a high Stony-hill the Lady there and her Family when they went to Church did use to Load the Fool with all their Cloaks and Saveguards for fear it should Rain by the way and always gave him a Stick between his Legs telling him he should ride up for 't was a Horse which he often did with Confidence and Satisfaction to himself But being one time come to the top of the Hill and being much loaded with the aforesaid things he began to puff and blow extreamly saying D' ye call this a Horse I am sure but for the Name of a Horse I had as good a gone a foot all the way 41. A Cobler was sitting in his Shop a singing merrily his Song was this Tamberlain was and he was and Tamberlain was and he was and continued so singing and nothing else many times together which a Gentleman that past by took notice of and said to the Cobler Prithee Friend says the Gentleman what was he Why says the Cobler as arrant a Fool as your self for ought I know Sirrah says the Gentleman you are a Rascal came out and I 'll kick you No Sir says he 't is no matter I thank you for your Love as much as if I had it for I don't want kicking Sirrah says the Gentleman again Come out and I 'll give you a kick No Sir says he You need not trouble your self I won't come if you 'd give me two 42. A School-master did always dictate to his Scholars H non est Litera that is H is no Letter and on a time he call'd one of the Scholars to him and bid him heat the Cawdle and when he askt for it the Scholar told him that he had done with the Cawdle as he bid him What 's that says his Master Why Sir says he I did eat it Sirrah says he I bid you heat it with an H Yes Sir says he But I did eat it with Bread 43. A Gentleman desired of a Covetous Neighbour of his to lend him ten pounds he professed he had none to spare but the Gentleman having at that time very great occasion told him he had a Gelding that he had been offered twelve pounds