too hot to hold me To Sir Tun. Sir I fancy 't is not worth while to trouble Sir Iohn upon this impertinent Fellow's desire I 'll send and call the Messenger back Sir Tun. Nay with all my heart for to be sure he thought he was far enough off or the Rogue wou'd never have nam'd him Enter Servant Ser. Sir I met Sir Iohn just lighting at the Gate he 's come to wait upon you Sir Tun. Nay then it happens as one cou'd wish Y. Fash. Aside The Devil it does Lory you see how things are here will be a discovery presently and we shall have our Brains beat out for my Brother will be sure to Swear he don't know me therefore run into the Stable take the two first Horses you can light on I 'll slip out at the Back Door and we 'll away immediately Lor. What and leave your Lady Sir Y. Fash. There 's no Danger in that as long as I have taken Possession I shall know how to treat with 'em well enough if once I am out of their Reach Away I 'll steal after thee Exit Lory his Master follows him out at one Door as Sir John enters at t'other Enter Sir John Sir Tun. Sir Iohn you are the welcom'st Man alive I had just sent a Messenger to desire you 'd step over upon a very extraordinary occasion we are all in Arms here Sir Iohn How so Sir Tun. Why you must know a sinical sort of a tawdry Fellow here I don't know who the Devil he is not I hearing I suppose that the Match was concluded between my Lord Foppington and my Girl Hoyden comes impudently to the Gate with a whole pack of Rogues in Liveries and wou'd have past upon me for his Lordship but what does I I comes up to him boldly at the head of his Guards takes him by the throat strikes up his heels binds him hand and foot dispatches a Warrant and Commits him Prisoner to the Dog-kennel Sir Io. So but how do you know but this was my Lord for I was told he set out from London the Day before me with a very fine Retinue and intended to come directly hither Sir Tun. Why now to shew you how many Lyes People raise in that damn'd Town he came two Nights ago Post with only one Servant and is now in the House with me but you don't know the Cream of the Jest yet this same Rogue that lies yonder neck and Heels among the Hounds tkinking you were out of the Country quotes you for his Acquaintance and said if you were here you 'd justifie him to be Lord Foppington and I know not what Sir Io. Pray will you let me see him Sir Tun. Ay that you shall presently here fetch the Prisoner Exit Servant Sir Io. I wish there be'nt some mistake in this business where 's my Lord I know him very well Sir Tun. He was here just now see for him Doctor tell him Sir Iohn is here to wait upon him Exit Chaplain Sir Io. I hope Sir Tunbelly the young Lady is not Married yet Sir Tun. No things won't be ready this week but why do you say you hope she is not Married Sir Io. Some foolish fancies only perhaps I 'm mistaken Re-enter Chaplain Bull. Sir his Lordship is just Rid out to take the air Sir Tun. To take the air is that his London Breeding to go take the air when Gentlemen come to visit him Sir Io. 'T is possible he might want it he might not be well some sudden qualm perhaps Enter Constable c. with Lord Foppington L. Fop. Stap my Vitals I 'll have satisfaction Sir Iohn running to him My dear Lord Foppington L. Fop. Dear Friendly thou art come in the Critical Minute strike me dumb Sir Io. Why I little thought I shou'd have found you in Fetters L. Fop. Why truly the World must do me the justice to confess I do use to appear a little more degage but this Old Gentleman not liking the freedom of my air has been pleas'd to Skewer down my Arms like a Rabbit Sir Tun. Is it then possible that this shou'd be the true Lord Foppington at last L. Fop. Why what do you see in his face to make you doubt of it Sir without presuming to have any extraordinary Opinion of my Figure give me leave to tell you if you had seen as many Lords as I have done you wou'd not think it impossible a Person of a worse Taille than mine might be a modern Man of Quality Sir Tun. Unbind him Slaves my Lord I 'm struck dumb I can only beg pardon by Signs but if a Sacrifice will appease you you shall have it here pursue this Tartar bring him back Away I say a Dog-oons I 'll cut off his Ears and his Tail I 'll draw out all his Teeth pull his Skin over his Head and and what shall I do more Sir Io. He does indeed deserve to be made an Example of L. Fop. He does deserve to be Chartre stap my Vitals Sir Tun. May I then hope I have your Honour's Pardon L. Fop. Sir we Courtiers do nothing without a Bribe that fair young Lady might do Miracles Sir Tun. Hoyden come hither Hoyden L. Fop. Hoyden is her Name Sir Sir Tun. Yes my Lord. L. Fop. The prettiest Name for a Song I ever heard Sir Tun. My Lord here 's my Girl she 's yours she has a wholsom Body and a Virtuous Mind she 's a Woman compleat both in Flesh and in Spirit she has a Bag of Mill'd Crowns as scarce as they are and fifteen hundred a year stitch'd fast to her tail so go thy ways Hoyden L. Fop. Sir I do receive her like a Gentleman Sir Tun. Then I 'm a happy Man I bless Heaven and if your Lordship will give me leave I will like a good Christian at Christmass be very drunk by way of thanksgiving come my Noble Peer I believe Dinner 's ready if your Honour pleases to follow me I 'll lead you on to the attack of a Venison Pasty Exit Sir Tun. L. Fop. Sir I wait upon you will your Ladyship do me the favour of your Little Finger Madam Miss My Lord I 'll follow you presently I have a little business with my Nurse L. Fop. Your Ladyship 's most humble Servant come Sir Iohn the Ladies have des affaires Exeunt L. Fop. and Sir John Miss So Nurse we are finely brought to Bed what shall we do now Nurse Ah dear Miss we are all undone Mr. Bull you were us'd to help a Woman to a Remedy Crying Bull. A lack a day but it 's past my Skill now I can do nothing Nurse Who wou'd have thought that ever your Invention shou'd have been drain'd so dry Miss Well I have often thought old folks fools and now I 'm sure they are so I have found a way my self to secure us all Nurse Dear Lady what 's that Miss Why if you two will be sure to hold your tongues and not say
in the dark Pulling her Ber. O Heavens I wou'd not be in the Dark with you for all the World Lov. I 'll try that Puts out the Candles Ber. O Lord are you mad what shall I do for Light Lov. You 'll do as well without it Ber. Why one can't find a Chair to sit down Lov. Come into the Closet Madam there 's Moon-shine upon the Couch Ber. Nay never pull for I will not go Lov. Then you must be carryed Carrying her Ber. Help help I 'm Ravish'd ruin'd undone O Lord I shall never be able to bear it Very softly SCENE Sir Tunbelly's House Enter Miss Hoyden Nurse Y. Fashion and Bull. Y. Fash. This quick dispatch of yours Mr. Bull I take so kindly it shall give you a claim to my Favour as long as I live I do assure you Miss And to mine too I promise you Bull. I most humbly thank your Honours and I hope since it has been my Lott to join you in the Holy Bands of Wedlock you will so well Cultivate the Soil which I have crav'd a Blessing on That your Children may swarm about you like Bees about a Honey Comb. Miss I Cod with all my Heart the more the merrier I say ha Nurse Enter Lory taking his Master hastily aside Lory One word with you for Heaven's sake Y. Fash. What the Devil 's the matter Lory Sir your Fortune 's ruin'd and I don't think your Life's worth a quarter of an Hours Purchase Yonder 's your Brother arriv'd with two Coaches and six Horses Twenty Footmen and Pages a Coat worth Fourscore Pound and a Perriwig down to his Knees so judge what will become of your Lady's Heart Y. Fash. Death and Furyes 't is impossible Lo. Fiends and Spectres Sir 't is true Y. Fash. Is he in the House yet Lo. No they are Capitulating with him at the Gate the Porter tells him he 's come to run away with Miss Hoyden and has Cock'd the Blunderbuss at him your Brother Swears Gad Damme they are a parcel of Clawns and he has a good mind to break off the Match but they have given the Word for Sir Tunbelly so I doubt all will come out presently Pray Sir resolve what you 'l do this moment for I Gad they 'l maul you Y. Fash. Stay a little to Miss My Dear here 's a troublesome business my Man tells me of but don't be frighten'd we shall be too hard for the Rogue Here 's an Impudent Fellow at the Gate not knowing I was come hither incognito has taken my Name upon him in hopes to run away with you Miss O the Brazen fac'd Varlet it 's well we are Married or may be we might never a been so Y. Fash. Aside I Gad like enough Prithee dear Doctor run to Sir Tunbelly and stop him from going to the Gate before I speak with him Bull. I fly my good Lord Exit Bull. Nurse An 't please your Honour my Lady and I had best lock our selves up 'till the danger be over Y. Fash. Ay by all means Miss Not so fast I won't be lock'd up any more I 'm Marry'd Y. Fash. Yes pray my Dear do 'till we have seiz'd this Rascal Miss Nay if you pray me I 'll do any thing Exeunt Miss and Nurse Y. Fash. O! here 's Sir Tunbelly coming to Lo. Hark you Sirrah things are better than you imagine the Wedding 's over Lo. The Devil it is Sir Y. Fash. Not a word all 's safe But Sir Tunbelly don't know it nor must not yet so I am resolv'd to brazen the Business out and have the Pleasure of turning the Impostor upon his Lordship which I believe may easily be done Enter Sir Tunbelly Chap. and Servants Arm'd Y. Fash. Did you ever hear Sir of so impudent an undertaking Sir Tun. Never by the Mass but we 'll tickle him I 'll warrant him Y. Fash. They tell me Sir he has a great many People with him disguis'd like Servants Sir Tun. Ay ay Rogues enough but I 'll soon raise the Posse upon ' em Y. Fash. Sir If you 'll take my advice we 'll go a shorter way to work I find who ever this Spark is he knows nothing of my being privately here so if you pretend to receive him civilly he 'll enter without Suspicion and as soon as he is within the Gate we 'll whip up the Draw-bridge upon his Back let fly the Blunderbuss to disperse his Crew and so commit him to Goal Sir Tun. I Gad your Lordship is an ingenious Person and a very great General but shall we kill any of 'em or not Y. Fash. No no fire over their Heads only to fright 'em I 'll warrant the Regiment scours when the Collonel's a Prisoner Sir Tun. Then come along my Boys and let your Courage be great for your Danger is but small Exeunt SCENE the Gate Enter Lord Foppington and Followers L. Fop. A Pax of these Bumkinly People will they open the Gate or do they desire I should grow at their Mote side like a Willow to the Porter Hey Fellow Prithee do me the Favour in as few words as thou canst find to express thy self to tell me whether thy Master will admit me or not that I may turn about my Coach and be gone Por. Here 's my Master himself now at hand he 's of Age he 'll give you his Answer Enter Sir Tunbelly and Servants Sir Tun. My most noble Lord I crave your Pardon for making your Honour wait so long but my Orders to my Servants have been to admit no body without my knowledge for fear of some attempt upon my Daughter the Times being full of Plots and Roguery L. Fop. Much Caution I must confess is a sign of great Wisdom But stop my Vitals I have got a Cold enough to destroy a Porter he hem Sir Tun. I am very sorry for 't indeed my Lord but if your Lordship please to walk in we 'll help you to some Brown Sugar-Candy My Lord I 'll shew you the way L. Fop. Sir I follow you with Pleasure Exeunt As Lord Foppington's Servants go to follow him in they clap the Door against La Verrole Servants within Nay hold you me there Sir La Ver. Jernie die qu'estce que veut dire ça Sir Tun. within Fire Porter Porter Fires Have among ye my Masters La Ver. Ah Je suis mort The Servants all run off Port. Not one Souldier left by the Mass. SCENE Changes to the Hall Enter Sir Tunbelly the Chaplain and Servants with Lord Foppington Disarm'd Sir Tun. Come bring him along bring him along L. Fop. What the Pax do you mean Gentlemen is it Fair time that you are all drunk before Dinner Sir Tun. Drunk Sirrah here 's an Impudent Rogue for you Drunk or Sober Bully I 'm a Justice of the Peace and know how to deal with Strolers L. Fop. Strolers Sir Tun. Ay Strolers come give an account of your self what 's your Name where do you live Do you pay
Nurse Why truly in my poor Fancy Madam your first Husband is the prettyer Gentleman Miss I don 't like my Lord's shapes Nurse Nurse Why in good truly as a Body may say he is but a slam Miss What do you think now he puts me in mind of Don't you Remember a long loose shambling sort of a Horse my Father call'd VVashy Nurse As like as two Twin Brothers Miss I Cod I have thought so a hundred times Faith I 'm tir'd of him Nurse Indeed Madam I think you had e'en as good stand to your first Bargain Miss O but Nurse we han't consider'd the main thing yet If I leave my Lord I must leave my Lady too and when I rattle about the Streets in my Coach they 'll only say there goes Mistress Mistress Mistress what What 's this Mans Name I have Married Nurse Nurse Squire Fashion Miss Squire Fashion is it Well Squire that 's better than nothing Do you think one cou'd not get him made a Knight Nurse Nurse I don't know but one might Madam when the King 's in a good Humour Miss I Cod that wou'd do rarely For then he 'd be as good a Man as my Father you know Nurse Birlady and that 's as good as the best of ' em Miss So 't is Faith for then I shall be my Lady and your Ladiship at every word and that 's all I have to care for Ha Nurse but hark you me one thing more and then I have done I 'm affraid if I change my Husband again I shan't have so much Money to throw about Nurse Nurse O enough's as good as a Feast Besides Madam one don 't know but as much may fall to your share with the Younger Brother as with the Elder For tho' these Lords have a power of Wealth indeed Yet as I have heard say they give it all to their Sâ—â—â—â— and their Trulls who joggle it about in their Coaches with a Murrain to 'em whilst poor Madam sits sighing and wishing and anotting and Crying and has not a spare half Crown to buy her a Practice of Piety Miss O but for that don't deceive your self Nurse For this I must snapping her Fingers say for my Lord and a for him He 's as free as an open House at Christmas For this very Morning he told me I shou'd have two hundred a Year to buy Pins Now Nurse if he gives me two hundred a year to buy Pins What do you think he 'll give me to buy fine Petticoats Nurse A my dearest he deceives thee faully and he 's no better than a Rogue for his pains These Londoners have got a Gibberidge with 'em wou'd confound a Gypsey That which they call Pin-money is to buy their Wives every thing in the varsal World dawn to their very Shoe-tyes Nay I have heard Folks say That some Ladies if they will have Gallants as they call 'um are forc't to find them out of their Pin-money too Miss Has he serv'd me so say ye Then I 'll be his Wife no longer so that 's fixt Look here he comes with all the fine Folk at 's heels I Cod Nurse these London Ladies will laugh 'till they Crack again to see me slip my Collar and run away from my Husband But d' ye hear Pray take care of one thing When the business comes to break out be sure you get between me and my Father for you know his tricks he 'll knock me down Nurse I 'll mind him ne'er fear Madam Enter Lord Foppington Loveless Worthy Amanda and Berinthia L. Fop. Ladies and Gentlemen you are all welcome to Love Loveless That 's my Wife prithee do me the favour to salute her and do'st hear aside to him if thou hast a mind to try thy Fartune to be reveng'd of me I won't take it ill stap my Vitals Lov. You need not fear Sir I 'm too fond of my own Wife to have the least Inclination to yours all salute Miss L. F. aside I 'd give you a thousand paund he would make Love to her that he may see she has sense enough to prefer me to him tho' his own Wife has not viewing him He 's a very beastly Fellow in my Opinion Miss aside What a power of fine Men there are in this London He that kist me first is a goodly Gentleman I promise you Sure those Wives have a rare time â—n't that live here always Enter Sir Tun. with Musitians Dancers c. Sir Tun. Come come in good People come in come tune your Fiddles tune your Fiddles To the Hautboys Bag-pipes make ready there Come strike up sings For this is Hoyden's Wedding-day And therefore we keep Holy-day And come to be merry Ha! there 's my Wench I Faith Touch and take I 'll warrant her Shee 'l breed like a tame Rabbet M. aside I Cod I think my Father 's gotten drunk before Supper Sir T. to L. and W. Gentlemen you are welcome saluting A. and B. Ladies by your leave Ha They 〈◊〉 like Turtles Udsâ—okers they set my old Blood a-fire I shall Cuckold some body before Morning L. Fop. to Sir Tun. Sir you being Master of the Entertainment will you desire the Company to sit Sir Tun. Oons Sir I 'm the happiest Man on this side the Ganges L. Fop. aside This is a mighty unaccountable old Fellow to Sir T I said Sir it would be convenient to ask the Company to sit Sir Tun. Sit With all my heart Come take your places Ladies take your places Gentlemen come sit down sit down a Pox of Ceremony take your Places they sit and the Mask begins Dialogue between Cupid and Hymen Cupid 1. THOV Bane to my Empire thou Spring of Contest Thou source of all Discord thou period to rest Instruct me what Wretches in Bondage can see That the dim of their Life is still pointed to thee Hymen 2. Instruct me thou little impertinent God From whence all thy Subjects have taken the Mode To grow fond of a Change to what ever it beâ—â— And I 'll tell the why those wou'd be bound who are free Chorus For change W' are for change to what ever it be We are neither contented with Freedom nor Thee Constancy 's an empty sound Heaven and Earth and all go round All the Works of Nature move And the Ioys of Life and Love Are is Variety Cupid 3. Were Love the Reward of a pains taking Life Had a Husband the art to be fond of his Wife Were Virtue so plenty a Wife cou'd afford These very hard times to be 〈…〉 Lord Some specious account might be given of those Who are ty'd by the Tail to be led by the Nose 4. But since 't is the Fate of a Man and his Wife To consume all their Days in Contention and strife Since whatever the Bounty of Heaven may Create her He 's Morally sure he shall be 〈…〉 ate her I 〈…〉 large And the valleys of Love 〈◊〉 the Hiâ—â—â—â— to discharge Hymen 5. Some colour of Reason thy
Admiration That I had look'd with eager Eyes upon him shou'd you not think 't were possible I might go one step farther and enquire his Name Lov. aside She has Reason on her side I have talk'd too much But I must turn it off another way To Aman. Will you then make no difference Amanda between the Language of our Sex and yours There is a Modesty restrains your Tongues which makes you speak by halves when you commend but roving Flattery gives a loose to ours which makes us still speak double what we think You shou'd not therefore in so strict a sense take what I said to her Advantage Aman. Those flights of Flattery Sir are to our Faces only When Women once are out of hearing you are as modest in your Commendations as we are But I shan't put you to the trouble of farther Excuses if you please this business shall rest here Only give me leave to wish both for your Peace and mine that you may never meet this Miracle of Beauty more Lov. I am content Enter Servant Serv. Madam there 's a young Lady at the Door in a Chair desires to know whether your Ladyship sees Company I think her Name is Berinthia Aman. O Dear 't is a Relation I have not seen these five Years Pray her to walk in Exit Serv. To Lov. Here 's another Beauty for you She was young when I saw her last but I hear she 's grown extremely handsome Lov. Don't you be jealous now for I shall gaze upon her too Enter Berinthia Lov. aside Ha! By Heavens the very Woman Ber. saluting Aman. Dear Amanda I did not expect to meet with you in Town Aman. Sweet Cousin I 'm over joy'd to see you To Lov. Mr. Loveless here 's a Relation and a Friend of mine I desire you 'll be better acquainted with Lov. saluting Ber. If my Wife never desires a harder thing Madam her Request will be easily granted Ber. to Aman I think Madam I ought to wish you Joy Aman. Joy Upon what Ber. Upon your Marriage You were a Widow when I saw you last Lov. You ought rather Madam to wish me Joy upon that since I am the only Gainer Ber. If she has got so good a Husband as the World reports she has gain'd enough to expect the Complements of her Friends upon it Lov. I the World is so favourable to me to allow I deserve that Title I hope 't is so just to my Wife to own I derive it from her Ber. Sir it is so just to you both to own you are and derserve to be the happiest Pair that live in it Lov. I 'm afraid we shall lose that Character Madam whenever you happen to change your Condition Enter Servant Serv. Sir my Lord Foppington presents his humble Service to you and desires to know how you do He but just now heard you were in Town He 's at the next door and if it be not inconvenient he 'll come and wait upon you Lov. Lord Foppington I know him not Ber. Not his Dignity perhaps but you do his Person 'T is Sir Novelty he has bought a Barony in order to marry a great Fortune His Patent has not been past eight and forty hours and he has already sent how do'ye's to all the Town to make 'em acquainted with his Title Lov. Give my Service to his Lordship and let him know I am proud of the Honour he intends me Exit Sure this Addition of Quality must have so improv'd his Coxcomb he can't but be very good Company for a quarter of an hour Aman. Now it moves my Pity more than my Mirth to see a Man whom Nature has made no Fool be so very industrious to pass for an Ass. Lov. No there you are wrong Amanda you shou'd never bestow your pity upon those who take pains for your Contempt Pity those whom Nature abuses but never those who abuse Nature Ber. Besides the Town wou'd be robb'd of one of its chief Diversions if it shou'd become a Crime to laugh at a Fool. Aman. I cou'd never yet perceive the Town inclin'd to part with any of its diversions for the sake of their being Crimes but I have seen it very fond of some I think had little else to recommend ' em Ber. I doubt Amanda you are grown its Enemy you speak with so much warmth against it Aman. I must confess I am not much its Friend Ber. Then give me leave to make you mine by not engaging in its Quarrel Aman. You have many stronger Claims than that Berinthia whenever you think fit to plead your Title Lov. You have done well to engage a Second my Dear for here comes one will be apt to call you to an account for your Country-Principles Enter Lord Foppington L. Fop. to Lov. Sir I am your most humble Servant Lov. I wish you Joy my Lord. L. Fop. O Lard Sir Madam your Ladyship 's welcome to Tawn Aman. I wish your Lordship Joy L. Fop. O Heavens Madam Lov. My Lord this young Lady is a Relation of my Wives Fop. saluting her The Beautifull'st Race of People upon Earth Rat me Dear Loveless I 'm overjoy'd to see you have braught your Family to Tawn again I am stap my Vitals Aside Far I design to lye with your Wife To Aman. Far Gad's sake Madam haw has your Ladyship been able to subsist thus long under the fatigue of a Country Life Aman. My Life has been very far from that my Lord it has been a very quiet one L. Fop. Why that 's the Fatigue I speak of Madam For 't is impossible to be quiet without thinking Now thinking is to me the greatest Fatigue in the World Aman. Does not your Lordship love reading then L. Fop. Oh passionately Madam But I never think of what I read Ber. Why can your Lordship read without thinking L. Fop. O Lard Can your Ladyship pray without Devotion Madam Aman. Well I must own I think Books the best Entertainment in the World L. Fop. I am so much of your Ladyship's mind Madam That I have a private Gallery where I walk sometimes is furnish'd with nothing but Books and Looking-glasses Madam I have guilded 'em and rang'd 'em so prettily before Gad it is the most entertaining thing in the World to walk and look upon ' em Aman. Nay I love a neat Library too but 't is I think the Inside of the Book shou'd recommend it most to us L. Fop. That I must confess I am nat altogether so fand of Far to mind the inside of a Book is to entertain ones self with the forc'd Product of another Man's Brain Naw I think a Man of Quality and Breeding may be much better diverted with the Natural Sprauts of his own But to say the Truth Madam let a Man love reading never so well when once he comes to know this Tawn he finds so many better ways of passing the Four and twenty hours that 't were Ten thousand pities he shou'd consume his
my Trade so well that when ever I am told of a Man I like I cry psha but that I may spare you the pains of putting me a second time in mind to commend him I 'll proceed and give you this account of him that though 't is possible he may have had Women with as good faces as your Ladyship's no discredit to it neither yet you must know your cautious Behaviour with that reserve in your Humour has given him his Death's wound he mortally hates a Coquett he says 't is impossible to Love where we cannot esteem and that no Woman can be esteem'd by a Man who has sense if she makes her self cheap in the eye of a Fool. That Pride to a Woman is as necessary as Humility to a Divine and that far fetch'd and dear bought is meat for Gentlemen as well as for Ladies in short that every Woman who has Beauty may set a price upon her self and that by under-selling the Market they ruine the Trade This is his Doctrine how do you like it Am. So well that since I never intend to have a Gallant for my self if I were to recommend one to a Friend he shou'd be the Man Enter Worthy Bless me he 's here pray Heaven he did not hear me Ber. If he did it won't hurt your Reputation your thoughts are as safe in his Heart as in your own Wor. I venture in at an unseasonable time of Night Ladys I hope if I 'm troublesom you 'll use the same freedom in turning me out again Am. I believe it can't be late for Mr. Lovelace is not come home yet and he usually keeps good hours Wor. Madam I 'm afraid he 'll transgress a little to Night for he told me about half an hour ago he was going to Sup with some Company he doubted would keep him out 'till three or four a Clock in the morning and desir'd I wou'd let my Servant acquaint you with it that you might not expect him but my Fellow 's a Blunder-head so lest he shou'd make some mistake I thought it my duty to deliver the message my self Am. I 'm very sorry he shou'd give you that trouble Sir But Ber. But since he has will you give me leave Madam to keep him to play at Ombre with us Am. Cousin you know you command my House Wor. to Ber. And Madam you know you command me tho' I 'm a very wretched Gamester Ber. O you play well enough to lose your Money and that 's all the Lady's require so without any more Ceremony let us go into the next Room and call for the Cards Am. With all my heart Exit Wor. leading Am. Ber. sola Well how this Business will end Heaven knows but she seems to me to be in as fair a way as a Boy is to be a Rogue when he 's put Clerk to an Attorney Exit Berinthia SCENE Berinthia's Chamber Enter Lovelace cautiously in the dark Lov. So thus far all 's well I 'm got into her Bed-Chamber and I think no body has perceiv'd me steal into the House my Wife don't expect me home 'till four a Clock so if Berinthia comes to Bed by Eleven I shall have a Chase of five hours let me see where shall I hide my self under her Bed No we shall have her Maid searching there for something or other her Closet's a better place and I have a Master Key will open it I 'll e'en in there and attack her just when she comes to her Prayers that 's the most likely to prove her Critical Minute for then the Devil will be there to assist me He opens the Closet goes in and shuts the door after him Enter Berinthia with a Candle in her Hand Ber. Well sure I am the best Natur'd Woman in the World I that love Cards so well there is but one thing upon Earth I love better have pretended Letters to write to give my Friends à Tate à Tate however I 'm innocent for Picquet is the Game I set 'em to at her own peril be it if she ventures to play with him at any other But now what shall I do with my self I don't know how in the world to pass my time wou'd Lovelace were here to badiner a little well he 's a Charming Fellow I don't wonder his Wife 's so fond of him what if I shou'd sit down and think of him 'till I fall asleep and dream of the Lord knows what O but then if I shou'd dream we were Married I shou'd be frightned out of my Wits Seeing a Book What 's this Book I think I had best go Read O Splenatique it's a Sermon well I 'll go into my Closet and Read the Plotting-Sisters She opens the Closet sees Lovelace and shrieks out O Lord a Ghost a Ghost a Ghost a Ghost Enter Lovelace running to her Lov. Peace my Dear it 's no Ghost take it in your Arms you 'll find 't is worth a hundred of ' em Ber. Run in again here 's some body coming Enter her Maid Maid Lord Madam what 's the matter Ber. O Heav'ns I 'm almost frighted out of my wits I thought verily I had seen a Ghost and 't was nothing but the white Curtain with a black Hood pinn'd up against it you may be gone again I am the fearful'st Fool. Exit Maid Re-enter Lovelace Lov. Is the Coast clear Ber. The Coast clear I suppose you are clear you 'd never play such a trick as this else Lov. I 'm very well pleas'd with my trick thus far and shall be so 'till I have play'd it out if it be'nt your fault where 's my Wife Ber. At Cards Lov. With whom Ber. With Worthy Lov. Then we are safe enough Ber. Are you so some Husbands wou'd be of another mind if he were at Cards with their Wives Lov. And they 'd be in the right on 't too But I dare trust mine Besides I know he 's in Love in another place and he 's not one of those who Court half a dozen at a time Ber. Nay the truth on 't is you 'd pity him if you saw how uneasie he is at being engag'd with us but 't was my malice I fancy'd he was to meet his Mistress somewhere else so did it to have the pleasure of seeing him fret Lov. What says Amanda to my staying abroad so late Ber. Why she 's as much out of humour as he I believe they wish one another at the Devil Lov. Then I 'm afraid they 'll quarrel at Play and soon throw up the Cards Offering to pull her into the Closet Therefore my Dear Charming Angel let us make a good use of our time Ber. Heavens what do you mean Lov. Pray what do you think I mean Ber. I don't know Lov. I 'll shew you Ber. You may as well tell me Lov. No that wou'd make you blush worse than t'other Ber. Why do you intend to make me blush Lov. Faith I can't tell that but if I do it shall be
Scott and Lott Are you a Williamite or a Iacobite Come L. Fop. And why dost thou ask me so many impertinent Questions Sir Tun. Because I 'll make you answer 'em before I have done with you you Rascal you L. Fop. Before Gad all the Answer I can make thee to 'em is that thou art a very extraordinary old Fellow stop my Vitals Sir Tun. Nay if you are for Joking with Deputy Lieutenants we'st know how to deal with you Here draw a Warrant for him immediately L. Fop. A Warrant what the Devil is 't thou would'st be at Old Gentleman Sir Tun. I wou'd be at you Sirrah if my Hands were not ty'd as a Magistrate and with these two double Fists beat your Teeth down your Throat you Dog you L. Fop. And why would'st thou spoil my Face at that rate Sir Tun. For your design to Rob me of my Daughter Villain L. Fop. Rab thee of thy Daughter Now do I begin to believe I am a Bed and a-sleep and that all this is but a Dream If it be 't will be an agreeable surprise enough to waken by and by and instead of the impertinent Company of a Nasty Country Justice find my self perhaps in the Arms of a Woman of Quality To Sir Tun. Prithee Old Father wilt thou give me leave to ask thee one Question Sir Tun. I can't tell whether I will or not 'till I know what it is L. Fop. Why then it is whether thou didst not write to my Lord Foppington to come down and Marry thy Daughter Sir Tun. Yes Marry did I and my Lord Foppington is come down and shall Marry my Daughter before she 's a Day older L. Fop. Now give me thy Hand dear Dad I thought we should understand one another at last Sir Tun. This Fellow 's mad here bind him Hand and Foot They bind him down L. Fop. Nay prithee Knight leave fooling thy Jeast begins to grow dull Sir Tun. Bind him I say he 's mad Bread and Water a Dark Room and a Whip may bring him to his Senses again L. Fop. Aside I Gad If I don't waken quickly by all I can see this is like to prove one of the most impertinent Dreams that ever I dreamt in my Life Enter Miss and Nurse Miss going up to him Miss Is this he that would have run away with me fough how he stinks of Sweets Pray Father let him be drag'd through the Horse Pond L. Fop. Aside This must be my Wife by her Natural Inclination to her Husband Miss Pray Father what do you intend to do with him hang him Sir Tun. That at least Child Nurse Ay and it s e'en too good for him too L. Fop. Aside Madam la Gouvernante I presume hitherto this appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary Families that ever Man of Quality match'd into Sir Tun. What 's become of my Lord Daughter Miss He 's just coming Sir L. Fop. Aside My Lord What does he mean by that now Enter Young Fashion and Lory Seeing him Stap my Vitals Tam now the Dreams out Y. Fash. Is this the Fellow Sir that design'd to trick me of your Daughter Sir Tun. This is he my Lord how do you like him Is not he a pretty Fellow to get a Fortune Y. Fash. I find by his Dress he thought your Daughter might be taken with a Beau. Miss O gimmeni Is this a Beau let me see him again ha I find a Beau's no such an ugly thing neither Y. Fash. I gad she 'll be in love with him presently I 'll e'en have him sent away to Goal To L. Fash. Sir tho' your undertaking shews you are a Person of no extraordinary Modesty I suppose you han't Confidence enough to expect much Favour from me L. Fop. Strike me dumb Tam. thou art a very impudent Fellow Nurs. Look if the Varlet has not the Frontery to call his Lordship plain Thomas Bull. The business is he would feign himself Mad to avoid going to Goal L. F. Aside That must be the Chaplain by his Unfolding of Mysteries Sir Tun. Come is the Warrant writ Cler. Yes Sir Sir Tun. Give me the Pen I 'll sign it So now Constable away with him L. Fop. Hold one moment Pray Gentlemen my Lord Foppington shall I beg one Word with your Lordship Nurse O ho it 's my Lord with him now see how Afflictions will humble Folks Miss Pray my Lord don't let him whisper too close lest he bite your Ear off L. Fop. I am not altogether so Hungry as your Ladyship is pleas'd to imagine To Y. Fash. Look you Tam I am sensible I have not been so kind to you as I ought but I hope you 'll forget what 's past and accept of the Five Thousand Pounds I offer thou may'st live in extream Splendour with it stap my Vitals Y. Fash. It 's a much easier matter to prevent a Disease than to Cure it a quarter of that Sum would have secur'd your Mistress twice as much won't redeem her Leaving him Sir Tun. Well what says he Y. Fash. Only the Rascal offer'd me a Bribe to let him go Sir Tun. Ay he shall go with a Pox to him Lead on Constable L. Fash. One word more and I have done Sir Tun. Before Gad thou art an impudent Fellow to trouble the Court at this Rate after thou art Condemn'd but speak once for all L. Fop. Why then once for all I have at last luckily call'd to mind that there is a Gentleman of this Country who I believe cannot live far from this place if he were here would satisfie you I am Navelty Baron of Foppington with Five Thousand Pounds a Year and that Fellow there a Rascal not worth a Groat Sir Tun. Very well now who is this honest Gentleman you are so well acquainted with To Y. Fash. Come Sir we shall hamper him L. Fop. 'T is Sir Iohn Friendly Sir Tun. So he lives within half a Mile and came down into the Country but last Night this bold-fac'd Fellow thought he had been at London still and so quoted him now we shall display him in his Colours I 'll send for Sir Iohn immediately Here Fellow away presently and desire my Neighbour he 'll do me the favour to step over upon an extraordinary occasion and in the mean while you had best secure this Sharper in the Gate-House Const. An 't please your Worship he may chance to give us the slip thence If I were worthy to advise I think the Dog-kennel's a surer place Sir Tun. With all my Heart any where L. Fop. Nay for Heaven's sake Sir do me the favour to put me in a clean Room that I mayn't daub my Cloaths Sir Tun. O when you have Married my Daughter her Estate will afford you new ones Away with him L. Fop. A Dirty Country Justice is a barbarous Magistrate stap my Vitals Exit Constable with Lord Foppington Y. Fash. Aside I gad I must prevent this Knight's coming or the House will grow soon