and quite from my Patience which makes me miserable and Misery is worse than Death for Death is a cessation of pain and Misery a torment of life But if this Report be true I will lay more curses on his head than a long penitential life shall be able to take off Exit Enter the two Maids of Sir John Dotard 1 MAid Lord Briget is so proud since she is preferr'd to be my Masters Laundry-maid as she will touch none but my Masters linnen 2 Maid She is become very fine upon her preferment I am sure it is not five or ten pound wages that will or can maintain her at that rate she goes for she hath had to my knowledge two new pair of shooes within three weeks of each other whereupon I told her that the shooes that she cast by would be very strong and serviceable if they were cobled and her Answer was what did I think she would wear cobled shooes I told her why not now as well as she did for she us'd to send her shooes to be cobled three or four times over and her wastcoat to be patch'd and her petticoats to be new-border'd and her stockings to be heel'd as the rest of us did and I knew of no Lands that had befallen her and therefore she may doe the same still 1 Maid And what said she then 2 Maid She bid me meddle with my own matters and not meddle with her and I dare not offend her for fear I should be turn'd away nay she is so proud as she turns her head aside when Richard the Carter comes to kiss her and she strives to shun his company when once within a short time she would make haste to wash her dishes that she might have time to sit in Richards Lap and there they would sit colling and kissing until the sea-coal-site was burn'd out 2 Maid But now she sits in a better seat Exeunt Scene 8. Enter Mistris Forsaken in mans Apparel naming her self Monsieur Disguise MOnsieur Disguise I cannot believe he will prove so false and perjurious but this Disguise I hope will bring me to discover the Truth And if he be false for his sake may all the Masculine Sex be slaves to the Effeminate Sex not bound by Love but by base servile fear may they long after the power but never get it may women govern the World and when they command the men dare not disobey and be despis'd for their reward may their Jealousies disturb their Rest their Cares increase their Labours may they work like Horses fawn like Dogs and bear like Asses But if he be constant may all the Masculine Sex be bless'd for his sake may all women desire admire and love him may Pleasure imbrace him Health preserve him and Time attend him may he be arm'd with Power crown'd with Peace and all Obedience bow to his command may the sound but of his Name bring joy to all hearts may all be pleas'd for his Birth pray for his Life and fear his Death may good Fortune trace his ways whilst he tides upon the wings of a glorious Fame Exeunt Scene 9. Enter Sir Francis Inconstant as in another Country with his new Mistris INconstant Sweet Mistris you are the Elixar of Beauty all other women are as unrefin'd metal like base coyn New Mistris Whilst I am unmarry'd you 'l flatter me but when I am your Wife you will change your complemental discourse to quarrelling disputes or insulting commands Inconstant O never never your Eye shall direct all my Actions your Commands shall rule my Life and your Pleasures shall be my onely Delight Exeunt Scene 10. Enter Sir James Hearty and his Man HEarty Here take this Note that you may not forget the Guests that are to be invited to my Daughters Wedding The man takes the Note and looks on it Can you read it Man I cannot tell Sir Hearty Let me hear if you can or not Man Imprimis Sir William Lovewell and the Lady Hypocondria his Wife Item Sir Henry Sage and the Lady Chastity his Wife Item Sir Edward Courtly and the Lady Iealousie his Wife and Mistris Iane Single her Sister Item Sir Thomas Cuckold and the Lady Wanton his Wife Item Sir Humphey Disagree and the Lady Disagree his Wife Item Sir Timothy Spendall and the Lady Poverty his Wife Item the Lady Procurer Item Monsieur Amorous Hearty Well read well read As for the Lord Widower I know he will not come for I hear his Lady is newly dead This is the Nature of the World some marry and some die Man Troth Sir of the two Evils I think it is better to die than to marry Hearty I am not of your mind for I had rather have a ruddy plain soft Wench to be my Bed-fellow than pale grim lean numb cold Death But go your way about this Imployment the whilst I will give direction for the Entertainment Exeunt Scene 11. Enter the Lord VVidower and the Lady Sprightly his Eldest Daughter and other small Children and Doll Subtilty all weeping LOrd We have reason to weep for you my Children have lost a good Mother and I a loving Wife and her servants a kind Lady but we cannot alter Heavens Decrees wherefore we must take comfort in what is and not grieve for what cannot be helpt And now Daughter Sprightly you must be as my Wife Friend and Daughter all in one for as your Mother did when she had health govern my Family so must you now she is dead and you must take care of your young Brothers and Sisters and Heaven will reward thee with a good Husband and Children of your own And as for her Maid here who hath taken great pains all the time of your Mothers sickness ought to be rewarded for her care wherefore Daughter let her wait upon you as she did upon your Mother Doll Subtilty I thank your Lordship Exeunt Scene 12. Enter all the Bridal Guests and pass over the Stage as thorough a Room Scene 13. Enter Monsieur Disguise as from the sea MOnsieur Disguise Surely the Fates have conspired against me the winds were so cross just like men sometimes for us and sometimes against us Enter a Skipper Have you found out the Gentlemans lodging Skipper Yes Sir Disguise And was he at home Skipper He hath that which will invite him to stay at home and keep him from wandring abroad for some time Sir Disguise What 's that Skipper A fair Wife Sir for a drunken Serving-man told me that one Sir Francis Inconstant had maried his Masters Daughter and that the Wedding-Feast would continue a Week if not a Fortnight Disguise And was the man drunk that told you so Skipper Yes surely he seem'd so to me Disguise Then perchance he might tell you a lye Skipper He was not so drunk but that he might tell a truth Disguise Prethee Friend do me one favour more and then I will pay thee for thy pains Skipper What you please to command me
of my posterity Lord Singularity Why Sir it were better to lye in dark oblivion than to have a false light to devulge your disgrace and you had better pull out the root than to have a branch of dishonour ingrafted therein Lord Fatherly All these Arguments against Marriage is because you would injoy your Mistresses with freedom fearing you should be disturbed by a wife Lord Singularity That needs not for I observe married Men takes as much liberty if not more than Batchellors for Batchellors are affraid they should challenge a promise of Marriage and married Men are out of that danger Lord Father Then that is the reason that Batchellors Court Married wives and Married Men Courts Maides but howsoever Son if all Men should be of your mind there would be no Marring nor giving in Marriage but all must be in Common Lord Singularity That were best Sir for then there could be no Adultery committed or Cuckolds made Lord Fatherly For shame take courage and be not afraid of a Woman Lord Singularity By Heaven Sir I would sooner yield up my life to death thau venture my honour to a womans management Lord Father Well Son I shall not force you with threates or commands to marry against your will and good likeing but I hope Heaven will turn your mind towards marriage and sent thee a loving vertuous and discreet wife Scene 2. Enter the Lady Wagtaile the Lady Amorous Sir Timothy Compliment Sir Humphrey Bold and Sir Roger Exception SIr Timothy Compliment Bright beauty may I be Servant Lady Amorous If I have any beauty it was begot in your Eyes And takes light from your commendations Sir Timothy Compliment You are Lady the Starre of your Sex Lady Amorous No truely I am but a Meteor that soon goeth out Lady Wagtaile Preethy Sir Timothy Compliment and Lady Amorous do not stand prating here but let us go a broad to some place to devert the time Lady Amorous Dear Wagtaile whether shall we goe Sir Timothy Compliment Faith let us go to a Play Sir Humphrey Bold Let 's go to a Tavern Sir Roger Exception What with Ladyes Sir Humphrey Bold Why Ladyes have been in Tavernes before now Sir Roger Exception It were as good to carry them to a Bawdy-house Sir Humphrey Bold As good say you faith now I think of it better it were the only place to pass a way idle time Come Ladyes shall we go Lady Amorous Whether Sir Humphrey Bold To a Bawdy-house Lady Amorous O sve sve Sir Humphrey Bold how wantonly you talk Lady Wagtaile But would you carry us in good earnest to a Bawdy-house Sir Humphrey Bold Why do you question it when every house is a secret Bawdy-house Na Let me tell you there be many Right Worshipfull Nay Right Honourable and most Noble Pallaces made Bawdy-houses Sir Roger Exception Some perchance that are old and ruinous and the right owners out Sir Humphrey Bold No some that are new large and finely furnished and the owners stately proud scornfull and jeering living therein Sir Roger Exception They should take heed of jeering least they be jeered and of being scornfull least they be scorned Sir Humphrey Bold What say you Ladyes are you resolved Lady Wagtaile No No we will not go with you to such places now but I will carry you to a young Lady whose Father is newly dead and hath left her all his Estate and she is become a great heir Sir Roger Exception Perchance Lady she will not receive our visit if her Father be newly dead Lady Wagtaile I perceive you are ignorant of Funerall customes for widdowes heires and heiresses receives visits whilst the Corpes lyes above ground And they will keep them so much the longer to have so many more visitants nay sometimes they will keep them so long as there dissembling is perceived or so long as they stink above ground for if they bury not the Corpes and set empty Coffins for want of imbalming their miserableness will stench up the Nostrils of their vanity Sir Roger Vanity Nay by your savour Lady there are some that are buried whilst they are steeming hot Sir Humphrey Bold Those are only such whose Executors widdowes or widdowers seares they may revive again and rather than that they should do so they will bury them alive Lady Wagtaile You say rightly true Sir Humphrey Bold Sir Timothy Compliment Sweet beautyes let us go to see this Rich heiress Lady Amorous Content Sir Roger Exception But Ladyes are you acquainted with her Lady Wagtaile O no! But you may know that all women rather than want visits they will go to those they never saw nor spoak to but only heares of them and where they live and I can direct the Coachman to this Ladyes Lodging wherefore let us go Sir Humphrey Bold I shall not deny to visit a Rich heiress Sir Roger Exception I shall waite upon you Ladyes but Lady Wagtaile Nay never make buts but let 's go Lady Amorous Pray let us call Sir Serious Dumb to go along with us Lady Wagtaile Faith Amorous you love his Company because he can tell no tales Sir Humphrey Bold Pray call him not but let him alone for I dare sweare he is inventing of some useless and foolish Art Sir Timothy Compliment Is he so inventive say you but if his inventions is useless he invents in vain Sir Roger Exception Why may not a Dumb mans Inventions be as good as a blind for the most usefullest Artes were invented as the learned saith by one born blind Lady Wagtaile Me thinkes a dumb man should not have much wit for by my troath one that is dumb seemes to me like a fool nay one that speakes but little I cannot for my life but condemn him or her for an Ass Sir Humphrey Bold He may be a fool although he may chance to light on some inventions for Artes are oftner produced from chance than wit but let us go and leave him Lady Wagtaile whispers to Sir H. Bold Lady Wagtaile Faith Sir Humphrey Bold we must call him or otherwise my friend Amorous will be out of humour Sir Humphrey Bold Doth she love silence so well Lady Wagtaile No no it is that she loves secrecy so well Exit CHORUS In a minutes time is flown From a Child to Woman grown Some will smile or laughing say This is but a foolish Play By Reason a Comedy should of one dayes action be Let them laugh and so will I At there great simplicity I as other Poets brings Severall Nations Subjects Kings All to Act upon one stage So severall times in one Age Scene 3. Enter the Lady Orphant and Mrs. Acquaintance MIstriss Acquaintance How do you know the Lord Singularity is such a gallant man For he hath been out of the Kingdom this 7. yeares wherefore you could have no acquaintance you being yet very young Lady Orphant Although I have no acquaintance by sight or experienced knowledge yet by report I have for I remembred I heard my Father
to their several Offices Affectionata Then the common Servants are like the common Souldiers Lord Singularity They are so and are as apt to mutiny if they be not used with strickt discipline Thus if a Master of a Family have the right way in the management of his particular affairs he may thrive easily have plenty live peaceably be happy and carry an honourable port with an indifferent Estate when those of much greater Estates which knows not nor practices the right method or rules and governs not with strictness his servants shall grow factious mutinous and be alwaies in bruleries by which disorders his Estate shall waste invisible his servants cozen egregiously he lives in penurie his servants in riot alwaies spending yet alwaies wanting forced to borrow and yet hath so much that if it were ordered with prudence might be able to lend when by his imprudence he is troubled with stores yet vex'd with necessity Affectionata I should think that no man ought to be a Master of a Family but those that can govern orderly and peaceably Lord Singularity You say right for every Master of a Family are petty-Kings and when they have rebellions in their own small Monarchies they are apt to disturb the general Peace of the whole Kingdom or State they live in for those that cannot tell how to command their own Domesticks and prudently order their own affairs are not only uselesse to the Common-wealth but they are pernicious and dangerous as not knowing the benefit and necessity of obedience and method Exeunt Scene 29. Enter the Lady VVagtail and the Lady Amorous Lady Wagtail The Lord Singularity hath brought home the sweetest and most beautifullest young Cavalier as ever I saw Lady Amorous Faith he appears like Adonas Lady Wagtail Did you ever see Adonas Lady Amorous No but I have heard the Poets describe him Lady Wagtail Venus and Adonas are only two poetical Ideas or two Ideas in poetical brains Lady Amorous Why Ideas hath no names Lady Wagtail O yes for Poets christens their Ideas with names as orderly as Christians Fathers doth their children Lady Amorous Well I wish I were a Venus for his sake Lady Wagtail But if you were only a poetical Venus you would have little pleasure with your Adonas Lady Amorous Hay ho He is a sweet youth Lady Wagtail And you have sweet thoughts of the sweet youth Lady Amorous My thoughts are like Mirtle-groves to entertain the Idea of the Lord Singularity's Son Lady Wagtail Take heed there be not a wild-boar in your Mirtle Imagenarie Grove that may destroy your Adonas Idea Lady Amorous There is no beast there only sweet singing-birds called Nightingals Exeunt Scene 30. Enter the Lord Singularity and Affectionata AFfectionata Pray my Lord what Lady is that you make such inquiry for Lord Singularity She is a Lady I would have thee marry One that my Father did much desire I should marry although she was very young and may be now about thy years I hear her Father is dead but where the Lady is I cannot find out Affectionata Perchance she is married my Lord Lord Singularity Then we should find her out by hearing who she hath marryed Affectionata But if she be not marryed she being as old as I I am too young for her for Husbands should be older than their wives Lord Singularity But she is one that is well born well bred and very rich and though thou art young in years yet thou art an aged man in judgment prudence understanding and for wit as in thy flourishing strength Affectionata Perchance my Lord she will not like me as neither my years my person nor my birth Lord Singularity As for thy years youth is alwayes accepted by the effeminate Sex and thy person she cannot dislike for thou art very handsom and for thy birth although thou art meanly born thou hast a noble nature a sweet disposition a vertuous soul and a heroick spirit Besides I have adopted thee my Son and the King hath promised to place my Titles on thee and hath made thee Heir of my whole Estate for to maintain thee according to those Dignities Affectionata But I had rather live unmarried my Lord if you will give consent Lord Singularity But I will never consent to that and if you be dutifull to me you will marry such a one as I shall chose for you Affectionata I shall obey whatsoever you command for I have nothing but my obedience to return for all your favours Lord Singularity Well I will go and make a strickt inquiry for this Lady Lord Singularity Exit Affectionata alone Affectionata Hay ho what will this come to I would I were in my Grave for love and fear doth torture my poor life Heaven strike me dead or make me this Lords wife Exeunt Scene 31. Enter the Lady Wagtail and the Lady Amorous LAdy Amorous How shall we compass the acquaintance of the Lord Singularity's Son Lady Wagtail Faith Amorous thou lovest boys but I love men wherefore I would be acquainted with the Lord Singularity himself Beside his adopted Son was a poor Beggar-boy 't is said and I cannot love one that is basely born Lady Amorous His birth may be honourably though poor and of low and mean descent for if he was born in honest wedlock and of honest Parents his birth cannot be base Lady Wagtail O yes for those that are not born from Gentry are like course brown bread when Gentry of ancient descent are like flower often boulted to make white mancher Lady Amorous By that rule surely he came from a Noble and Ancient Race for I never saw any person more white and finely shap'd in my life than he is and if fame speaks true his actions have proved he hath a Gentlemans soul But say he were meanly born as being born from a Cottager yet he is not to be despised nor disliked nor to be lesse esteemed or beloved or to be thought the worse of for was Lucan lesse esteemed for being a Stone-Cutter or his wit lesse esteemed or was King David lesse esteemed or obeyed for being a Shepheard or the Apostles lesse esteemed or believed for being Fisher men Tent-makers or the like or the man that was chosen from the Plough to be made Emperour I say was he lesse esteemed for being a Plough-man No he was rather admired the more or was Horace esteemed or his Poems thought the worse for being Son to a freed man which had been a slave or was Homer lesse admired or thought the worse Poet for being a poor blind man and many hundred that I cannot name that hath gained fame and their memories lives with Honour and Admiration in every Age and in every Nation Kingdom Country and Family and it is more worthy and those persons ought to have more love and respect that have merit than those that have only Dignity either from favour of Princes or descended from their Ancestors for all derived Honours are poor and mean in
Lord de l' Amour and the Lady incontinent LAdy Incontinent Have I left my Husband who was rich and used me well and all for love of you and with you live as a VVanton by which I have lost my esteem and my honest reputation and now to be forsaken and cast aside despised and scorned O most base for what can be more unworthy than for a man to profess friendship to a Lady and then forsake her Lord de l' Amour Madam you do me wrong for my heart is as firmly yours as ever it was and burns with as clear a flame as ever it did Lady Incontinent It is not like it will continue so since you now are resolved to marry Lord de l' Amour The reasons are so powerfull that perswades me by reason there is none lest of my Family besides my self and my Fathers commands so terrifying and my vows so binding as I know not how to avoid it Lady Incontinent But since your Father is dead what need you fear his commands and for your vows those may be dispenced with for a summe of money to the Church for the poor Lord de l' Amour But would you have me cut off the line of my Posterity by never marrying Lady Incontinent Perchance if you marry you may have no children or your wife may prove barren or if you have children they may prove fools for she you are affianced to is none of the wisest Lord de l' Amour That is none of my fault Lady Incontinent But why will you marry so soon Lord de l' Amour I will not marry yet for my affianced is young and well may stay two or three years Lady Incontinent But if you will not marry her this two or three years why must she come to live with you in your house Lord de l' Amour By reason her Father is newly dead and hath left her to my protection as having right to her and by her to her estate Lady Incontinent And when she comes I must deliver up the rule and government of your house and Family to her for I suppose you will make her the Mistriss to command dispose and order as she pleaseth Lord de l' Amour By no means for you that are the Mistriss of my heart shall also be Mistriss of my Estate Lady Incontinent Then pray give her to my charge and education for I hear she is of a high spirit and a proud heart being spoyled with self-will given her by the fondnesse of her Father Lord de l' Amour Pray order her as you think good she shall be your hand-maid Exeunt Scene 3. Enter the Lady Sanspareille repeating some verses of her own making SAnspareille Here flows a Sea and there a sire doth flame Yet water and fire still is but the same Here the sixt earth and there the aire streams out All of one matter moving round about And thus the earth and water sire and aire Out of each others shapes transformed are Enters her Mother and hears her last verse Mother I am sure you are transformed from what you should be from a sober young maid to a Stage-player as to act Parts speak Speeches rehearse Verses sing Sonets and the like Sansp. Why Madam Stages and publick Theaters were first ordained and built for the education of noble youth where they might meet to practise how to behave themselves civily modestly gently comely gracefully manly and majestically to speak properly timely fitly eloquently elegantly tunably tonably readily sagely wittily Besides Theators were not only Schools to learn or practise in but publick patterns to take example from Thus Theaters were profitable both to the Actors and Spectators for as these Theaters were publick Schools where noble principles were taught so it was the dressing rooms of vertue where the Actors as her Servants did help to set her forth Also these Theaters were as Scaffolds whereon vices were publickly executed and Madam if you please but to consider you will perceive that Thrones are but glorious Theaters where Kings and Princes and their Courtiers acts their parts likewise places of Judicature are but places where Judges and Lawyers acts their parts Nay even Churches are but holy Theaters where the Priest and People acts their devout parts But Madam you mistake making no difference betwixt the noble and base the generous and mercenary for shall all noble persons that fights dewels of honour be call'd Fencers or shall a King when he runs at the Ring or Tilt shall he be called a Jockey or Post when he rides horses of Manage shall he be a Quirry or a Rider or shall Kings Princes or noble Persons that dances sings or playes on Musick or presents themselves in Masks be thought or called Dancers or Fidlers Morris-dancers Stage-players or the like as in their masking attire No those are Riders Fencers Dancers Fidlers Stage-players and the like that are mercenary setting Vertuosus to sale making a mercenary profit and living thereof but if such opinions should be held then no Vertuosus should be learn'd of noble Persons because there are mercenary Tutours and Teachers nor no arts understood because of Mechanicks nor no Sciences understood because of Pedants nor no manners nor gracefull behaviours practised because of Players nor none must write because of Clerks nor none must pray because of beneficed Priests nor there must none understand the Laws or plead their own causes because of feed Lawyers if these opinions or rules were followed all the nobler and better sort would be boars clowns and fools nor no civility good manners nor vertues would be known amongst them Mother Well well I will have you shew your self and be known and I known by you for why should not I be as ambitious to be praised in your beauty as your Father in your wit but by that time you have gotten a sufficient stock of wit to divulge to the World your beauty will be dead and buried and so my ruines will have no restoration or resurrection Sansp. Madam I do humbly and dutifully acknowledge that what beauty or wit I have it was derived from my Parents Mother Wherefore you ought to do as your Parents will have you and I say I will have you be a Courtier Sansp. Would you have me go to live at the Court Madam Mother Yes marry would I Sansp. And to do as Courtiers do Mother Yes marry would I Sansp. Alas Madam I am unpractised in their arts and shall be lost in their subtle and strange waies Mother Therefore I would have you go to learn them that you may be as expert as the best of them for I would have you shoot such sharp darts thorough your eyes as may wound the hardest and obduratest hearts Sansp. Amorous affections Madam and wanton glances are strangers to my eyes and heart neither can I perswade nor command them to be otherwise than they are Mother Why I would not have you either wanton or amorous but to be kind and
mankind Oh! Oh! that these Melancholy damps arising from my afflicted Soul could extinguish the Lamp of life or that my sad and grieved thoughts that feed upon my troubled Spirits could bite with sorrows teeth the thread of life asunder She sits down on the ground leaning her Cheek on her hand and weeps Enter to her her Maid Passive Passive My sweet Mistriss why do you weep Lady Innocence The spring of grief doth send forth streams of tears to wash off my disgrace and the foul spots which slandring tongues have stain'd or rather slain'd my reputation for which my eyes did they not weep would seem unnaturally unkind but my dead reputation is imbalm'd with salt tears bitter groans shrowded in sorrows and intomb'd in misery Passive My dear Lady you are imbalm'd with the pretious gums of Virtue and sweet spices of wit wrapt up in youth and beauty and are intombed or rather inthroned in honest hearts wherefore waste not your self with grief for certainly the world will condemn your Accusers and not you Lady Innocence Those feeble hopes cannot my spirits uphold they give no light of comfort to my mind for black despair like Melancholy night mustles my thoughts and makes my Soul as blind O but why do I thus mourn in sad complaints and do not curse Fortune Fates and destiny their Wheels there spindel threads and Chains She heaves up her hands and lifts up her eyes May Nature great turn all again to nought That nothing may with joy receive a thought She goes out in a very Melancholy posture Passive alone She is deeply Melancholy Heavens ease her mind Ex. Scene 12. Enter 2. or 3. Doctors 1. DOctor The Lady Sanspareile cannot live for the hath no pulse 2. Doctor No she is descending to the grave 3. Doctor But had we best tell her Father so 1. Doctor No by no means as yet 2. Doctor Why not he will know when she is dead Enter the Lady Mother Love as to the Doctors Lady Mother Love Mr. Doctors What do you mean to let my Daughter dye will you not prescribe something to give her 1. Doctor Madam we shall do our best you may be confident Lady Mother What if you prescribed a Glister or a Purge 1. Doctor I shall not need Madam Lady Mother Why if any one be sick they ought to have some remedies applyed to them 2. Doctor We shall consider what course is best to be taken Lady Mother Love For Gods sake do not neglect her Ex. Enter Sir Thomas Father Love to the Doctors Sir Thomas Father Love Mr. Doctors what is your opinion of my Daughter 1. Doctor Truly Sir she is very dangerous sick Sir Thomas Father Love I can find no pulse she hath 2. Doctor Nor we Sir that makes us doubt her Father Love Pray consult about her what is best to be done 1. Doctor We shall Sir Ex. Scene 13. Enter the Lord de l'Amour and the Lady Innocence LOrd de l'Amour What makes you look so gastly pale Lady Innocence I am so ashamed of my accusation as my bashfullness is beyond all blushing as greatest griefs are beyond all tears it causes my limbs to tremble face look pale like Death's assault making my courage fail Lord de l'Amour Perchance you are asham'd to confess so base a crime you may confess to me for I shall strive to hide your faults and cover them with some excuse wherefore confess for though it be a fault to steal yet it is a double fault to hide it with a Lye and by these crimes you do offend the Gods nor will their anger be remov'd unless you confess and ask pardon Lady Innocence Your Doctrine is very good and Application well applied had I been Guilty but being Innocent they are vainly uttered Lord de l'Amour I hope you will agree to resign the interest you have to me if I should desire you Lady Innocence Saints never offred up their Souls to God more willingly than I all interest to you not but that I love you yet I should be loath to be bound to one that hath so ill an opinion of me as you have Lord de l'Amour The World would condemn me if I should marry you to stain my Posterity with your Crimes Lady Innocence O Heavens is my scandal of so deep a dye as to stain Predecessors and Posterity yours may avoid it but my Predecessors are spotted all over She goes out weeping Lord de l'Amour I cannot chuse but love her although I fear she is guilty but I perceive she is resolv'd not to confess as being asham'd of it Ex. Scene 14. Enter the Lady Sanspareile in a bed as being sick the bed drawn on the stage and her Father kneels by the bed-side whilst she speaks as dying SAnspareile Let spotless Virgins bear me to my grave and holy Anthems sing before my Herse and soft-toucht Instruments to play the while and keep just time with tears that trickling fall from the sad eyes of my most sorrowful friends and one my Coffin spread upon a covering of smooth Sattin white to signify here how I lived a Virgin pure I lived and dyed and let my works which I have wrought and spun out of my brain be given to times Library to keep alive my name And set a Lilly-Garland on my Herse On every leaf therein stick on a verse And when my Coffin to the grave you bring Let Poets on my Herse some verses fling For whilst I liv'd I worship'd Nature great And Poets are by Nature favoured I in the Muses Arms desire to Dye For I was bred up in their Company And my request 's to them when I am dead I may amongst them be remembered But death drawes near my destiny is come Father farewell may time take up my years which death cuts off and add them to your life Peace keep your mind and Comfort give you rest He weeps But why do you weep dear Father my life 's not worth your tears yet Heavens doe weep and mingle with dull earth their Cristal streams and earth 's refresht thereby so is not death for death is ever dry Father O Child O Child my heart will break Sanspareile Sir why do you sigh and groan and grieve that I must dye life is perpetual and death is but a change of shape Only I wish that Death may order it so That from your rootes I may your flower grow I fear not Death nor am I loath to dye Yet I am loath to leave your Company But O the Muses stay my dying lips to close Farewel Dyes Her Father starts up from her Bed-side and stares about the Bed and the dead Lady is drawn off the stage Father What art thou sted dear Soul where dost thou goe stay and I will bear thee Company Stares about Where art thou Soul why mak'st thou such great haste I pray thee stay and take thy aged Fathers Soul along with thee left it should wander in the dark and gloomy
you will pay me my half years wages that is due to me Poor Virtue Truly Nan I am not able for not only my Estate but all the Money Jewels Plate and other goods you know was seized on all that my Father left or had a right to unless it were my single self and if you will take my service for half a year for payment I will be very honest dutiful and diligent Nan Scrapeall No by my troth for you have been bred with so much attendance curiosity and plenty as you will rather prove a charge than a payment but if you can get means by your youth and beauty I shall come and claim what is owing me Poor Virtue When I am able you shall not need to challenge it for I will pay you before you ask Nan Scrapeall goes out and Poor Virtue sits down as in a deep study Enter an old gray headed man namely Humanity who seeing her in so Melancholy a Posture falls a weeping Poor Virtue Why weepst thou old Humanity Humanity For the ruine of your noble family I came a boy to your Grandmother the great and rich Lady Natures service she being then newly married to your Grandfather the Lord Propriety from whence sprung your Father the Lord Morality your Grandfather and Grandmother dying I served your Father who soon after married your Mother the Lady Piety they living whilst she lived with Peace and Tranquillity but she dying left you only to your Father as a pledg of their loves and indeed you are so like them both as all must confess they were your Parents although they knew not your Birth and yet none can tell which you resembled most thus have I lived to see your Grandfather and Grandmother and Father and Mother dead and Peace and Tranquillity fled and you sweet Virtue left dessolate and forlorn both of friends and fortune but sweet Lady comfort your self for I have a little fortune which I got honestly in your Fathers service and as long as that lasts you shall not want Poor Virtue I thank you but you are old Humanity and ready to go upon Crutches and age and infirmities are shiftless wherefore keep it for thy own use Humanity Why so is unexperienced youth both shiftless and strengthless Poor Virtue T is true yet youth hath an encreasing advantage for time carryes youth up but time pulls Age down wherefore I will not take that from thee that will cause thee to be the poorer or hazard you to want I shall only desire your advise what I shall do and what course I shall follow Humanity Alas sweet Lady necessity will drive you into many extremities Poor Virtue I shall have fortitude to arm me but what Counsel will you give me Humanity The best way for you will be to get into some great Ladies service and in such a place or office as to attend upon her Person there you may live with honour and respect Poor Virtue I had rather shrow'd my honest Poverty in a thatcht house than live in a Palace to be pointed at for my misfortunes for in this Age misfortunes are accounted crimes and poverty is condemned as a thief and hang'd in the Chains of scorn wherefore if I could get a service in an honest poor Farmers house I might live happy as being most obscure from the World and the Worlds Vices for vice encreases more in Palaces than in Cottages for in Palaces Pride Plows Faction Sowes Riot Reaps Extortion Threshes Covetousness Whoords up the grain or gain there youth is corrupted with Vanity Beauty catcht with Flattery Chastity endangered with Power and Virtue slandered by Envy besides great Persons use their Servants too unequally making them either Masters or Slaves where in an humble Cottage the industrious and laborious Masters command their Servants friendly and kindly and are obeyed with love wherefore good Humanity seek me out such a Place to live in to serve Humanity I will for I will never forsake you as long as I live or at least so long as I have leggs to goe Poor Virtue When you cannot visit me I will visit you for I shall never be ungrateful Ex. Scene 6. Enter the Lady Conversation and Sir Experience Traveller COnversation Sir Experience Traveller you that have been so great a traveller pray tell me what Nations have the rarest Beauties and which the greatest Wits Sir Experience Traveller In all my travels the rarest Beauty that I have seen and the greatest Wit that I have heard of is your self sweet Lady Conversation Conver. Then you have lost your labour for you might have seen my Beauty and have heard my Wit at lesse Charges and more ease Experience Tra. T is true Madam had I only travelled to see a fair Lady and hear a witty discourse Conver. Why many travel to lesse purpose Experience Tra. T is true Madam for some travel meerly to learn to make a leg or congy with a good grace and to wear their cloaths or acouster themselves fashionably But I have observed in my travels that very cold Countries and very hot Countries have neither so many Beauties nor so much Wit at lest not so much as more temperate Countries have Conver. What is the reason of that Exper. Trav. I cannot conceive the reason unlesse the extream coldnesse of the Climate should congele their Spirits and stupifie their Brains making the Spirits unactive to get and the Brain too barren to breed and bear Wit Conversation So then you make the Spirits and the Brain the Parents to Wit Exper. Trav. Yes Madam Conver. And what reason give you for the scarcity of Beauties in very cold Climates Exper. Trav. Beauty Madam is as tender and fading in the growth as a Flower although it be fresh and sweet and the more delicate it is the more subject to be nipt with the hard Frost and to be withered with raw colds Conver. Then hot Countries should produce good store Exper. Trav. No Madam for extream heat dryes up Wit as water in a Spring and Sun-burns beauty Conver. But hot Brains are thought to produce the greatest VVits Expe. Trav. Yes if they be equally tempered with moisture for as heat in moisture are Generators of all Creatures so of Wit but if the moisture exceed the heat the Brain or Mind becomes stupid if the heat exceeds the moisture the Brain or Mind becomes mad Conver. VVhat Nation hath the best Language Expe. Trav. There are but three commendable things in Language those are to be significant copious and smooth and the English tongue hath the perfection of all there being an oyle or butter made of the cream of all other Languages Thus what with the Temperature of the Climate and the soft smooth spreading Language England produces rarer Beauties and eloquenter Orators and finer Poets than any other Nation in the world and the Nobility and Gentry live not only in greater grandeur than in other Nations but naturally appear or look with a more splendid Greatnesse
Conver. T is true they did so in former times when the Crown kept up Ceremony and Ceremony the Crown but since that Ceremony is down their grandeur is lost and their splendor put out and no light thereof remains But they are covered with a dark rudenesse wherein the Clown justles the Lord and the Lord gives the way to the Clown the Man takes the wall of his Master and the Master scrapes legs with Cap in hand to the Servant and waits upon him not out of a generous and noble Nature but out of a base servile fear and through fear hath given the Power away Exper. Trav. I am sorry to hear the Nobility is so degenerated Ex. Scene 7. Enter the Lord Courtship and his Friend Master Adviser ADviser I wonder your Lordship should be so troubled at your Fathers commands which was to marry the Lady Ward unlesse she had been ill-favoured and old Lord Courtship O that 's the misery that she is so young For I had rather my Father had commanded me to marry one that had been very old than one that is so young for if she had been very old there might have been some hopes of her death but this young Filly will grow upon me not from me besides those that are young give me no delight their Company is dull Adviser VVhy she is not so very young she is fifteen years of Age Lord Court Give me a Lady to imbrace about the years of twenty rather than fifteen then is her Beauty like a full-blown Rose in Iune her VVit like fruit is ripe and sweet and pleasant to the ear when those of fifteen are like to green sharp Fruit not ripened by the Sun of Time Yet that 's not all that troubles me but I cannot endure to be bound in VVedlocks shackles for I love variety and hate to be ty'd to one Adviser VVhy you may have the more variety by marrying Lord Court No faith 't is a Bar for if I should but kisse my wives Maid which a thousand to one but I shall my wife if she doth not beat her Maid making a hideous noise with scoldings yet she will pour and cry and feign her self sick or else she would Cuckold me and then I am paid for all Adviser Faith my Lord it is a hundred to one but a man when he is maryed shall be Cuckolded were he as wife as Solomon as valiant as David as fortunate as Caesar as witty as Homer or as handsome as Absalom for Women are of the same Nature as men for not one man amongst a thousand makes a good Husband nor one woman amongst a thousand makes an honest Wife Lord Court No saith you might well have put another Cypher and made it ten thousand Adviser Well my Lord since you must marry pray let me counsel you This Lady Ward being very young you may have her bred to your own Humour Lord Court How is that Adviser VVhy accustome her to your wayes before you marry her let her see your several Courtships to several Mistresses and keep wenches in your house and when she is bred up to the acquaintance of your customes it will be as natural to her Lord Court VVhat to be a whore Adviser No to know your humours and to be contented thereat Lord Court VVell I will take your advice although it is dangerous And as the old saying is the Medicine may prove worse than the disease Adviser VVhy the worst come to the worst it is but parting Lord Court You say true but yet a divorce will not clearly take off the disgrace of a Cuckold Ex. Scene 8. Enter Poor Virtue and old Humanity HUmanity I have found out a service a Farmer which hath the report of an honest labouring man and his wife a good huswifely woman they have onely one daughter about your years a pretty Maid truely she is and seems a modest one but how you will endure such rough and rude work which perchance they will imploy you in I cannot tell I doubt you will tire in it Poor Virtue Do not fear for what I want in strength my industry shall supply Humanity But you must be fitted with cloaths according and proper to your service Poor Virtue That you must help me to Humanity That I will Ex. ACT III Scene 9. Enter Sir Fancy Poet and the Lady Contemplation SIr Fancy Poet Sweet Lady Contemplation although your thoughts be excellent yet there are fine curiosities and sweet pleasures to be enjoyed in the use of the world Contemplation Perchance so but would not you think that man a Fool that hath a great estate a large convenient house well situated in sweet and healthfull Aire pleasant and delightful having all about for the eyes to view Landskips and Prospects beside all the inside richly furnished and the Master plentifully served and much company to passe his time with as a resort of men of all Nations of all Ages of all qualities or degrees and professions of all humours of all breedings of all shapes of all complexions Likewise a recourse for all Wits for all Scholars for all Arts for all Sciences Also Lovers of all sorts Servants of all use and imployments Thus living luxuriously with all rarities and varieties and yet shall go a begging debasing himself with humble crouching inslaving himself to Obligations living upon cold Charity and is denyed often times unkindly or kickt out scornfully when he may be honoured at home and served in state would not you think that this man had an inbred basenesse that had rather serve unworthily than command honourably that had rather be inslaved than free Besides that mind is a fool that cannot entertain it self with it's own thoughts a wandring Vagabond that is never of seldome at home in Contemplation A Prodigal to cast out his thoughts vainly in idle words base to inslave it self to the Body which is full of corruption when it can create bodilesse Creatures like it self in Corporalities with which self Creatures it may nobly honestly freely and delightfully entertain it self VVith which the mind may not only delight it self but improve it self for the thoughts which are the actions of the mind make the soul more healthful and strong by exercises for the mind is the soules body and the thoughts are the actions thereof Fancy Poet After what manner will you form this Body Contempl. Thus Understanding is the Brain Reason the Liver Love is the heart Hate the Spleen Knowledge the Stomach Judgement the Sinews Opinions the Bones VVill the Veins Imaginations the Blood Fancy the Spirits the Thoughts are the Life and Motion or the Motions of the Life the outward Form is the Mind it self which sometimes is like a Beast sometimes like a Man and sometimes like a God Fancy Poet And you my fair Goddesse Ex. Scene 10. Enter the Lord Courtship and the Lady Amorous LAdy Amorous My Lord you are too covetous to take a wife meerly for her riches Lord Courtship Believe me Madam
my affection with all the industry of Life gifts of Fortune and actions of Honour sued for my favour as if he had sued to Heaven for mercy but I as many cruel goddesses do would neither receive his obligations nor regard his vowes nor pity his tears nor hearken to his complaints but rejected his Sute and gave him an absolute denyal whereupon he was resolved to dye as believing no torments could be compared to those of my disdain and since I would not love him living he hoped by dying his death might move my pity and so beget a compassionate remembrance from me wherupon he got secretly neer my chamber-door and hung himself just where I must go out which when I saw I starred back in a great fright but at last running forth to call for help to cut him down in came Monsieur Amorous which hinderance made me leave him hanging there as being ashamed to own my cruelty and he hath been talking or rather prating here so long as by this time my kind Love is dead Visitant O no for Lovers will hang a long time before they dye for their necks are tuff and their hearts are large and hot Contempl. Well pray leave me alone that I may cut him down and give him Cordials to restore life Visitant Faith you must let him hang a little time longer for I have undertaken to make you a sociable Lady this day wherefore you must goe abroad to a friends house with me Contempl. Who I what do you think I will goe abroad and leave my Lover in a twisted string his legs hanging dangling down his face all black and swelled and his eyes almost started out of his head no no pray goe alone by your self and leave me to my Contemplation Visitant Well if you will not goe I will never see you nor be friends with you again Contempl. Pray be not angry for I will go if you will have me although I shall be but a dull companion for I shall not speak one word for wheresoever I am my thoughts will use all their Industry to cut the string and take him down and rub and chafe him against a hot fire Visitant Come come you shall heat your self with dancing and let your Lover hang Contempl. That I cannot for active bodies and active brains are never at once the one disturbs the other Visitant Then it seems you had rather have an active brain than an active body Contempl. Yes for when the brain doth work the understanding is inriched and knowledge is gained thereby whereas the body doth oft-times waste the life with too much exercise Visitant Take heed you do not distemper your brain with too much exercising your thoughts Contempl. All distempers proceed from the body and not from the minde for the minde would be well did not the humours and appetites of the body force it into a distemper Visitant Well upon the condition you will goe you shall sit still and your wit shall be the Musick Contempl. Prethee let me rest at home for to day the strings of my wit are broken and my tongue like a fiddle is out of tune Besides Contemplative persons are at all times dull speakers although they are pleasant thinkers Exeunt FINIS Written by my Lord Marquess of New-castle The Second Part of the Lady Contemplation The Actors Names Lord Title Lord Courtship Sir Fancy Poet Sir Experienced Traveller Sir Humphry Interruption Sir Golden Riches Sir Effeminate Lovely Sir John Argument Sir Vain Complement Master Inquirer Doctor Practice Old Humanity Roger Farmer Thom. Purveyor 2. Beadles Gentlemen and others Lady Amorous Lady Ward Lady Contemplation Lady Conversation Lady Visitant Poor Virtue Mistris Troublesome Mistris Gossip Mistris Messenger Lady Amorous's woman Nurse Careful Maudlin Huswife Roger Farmers wife Mall Mean-bred their daughter Mistris Troublesomes maid Servants and others The Second Part of the Lady Contemplation ACT I. Scene 1. Enter Sir Effeminate Lovely and Poor Virtue EFfeminate Lovely Sweet-heart you are a most Heavenly Creature Poor Virtue Beauty is created and placed oftner in the fancy than in the face Effem. Lovely 'T is said there is a Sympathy in likeness if so you and I should love each other for we are both beautiful Poor Virtue But 't is a question whether our Souls be answerable to our Persons Effem. Lovely There is no question or doubt to be made but that loving souls live in beautiful persons Poor Virtue And do those loving soules dye when their beauties are decayed and withered Effem. The subject pleads it self without the help of Rhetorick for Love and Beauty lives and dies together Poor Virtue 'T is Amorous Love that dies when Beauty is gone not Vertuous Love for as Amorous Love is bred born lives and dies with the appetite so Vertuous Love is Created and shall live with the Soul forever Effem. Lovely You may call it what love you please Poor Virtue It is no love but a disease Exeunt Scene 2. Enter the Lord Courtship and the Lady Ward LOrd Courtship Why did you leave the Lady Amorous company so uncivilly as to go out of the room leaving her all alone Lady Ward I heard your Lordship was coming then I thought it was fit for me to withdraw for I have heard Lovers desire to be alone Lord Courtship Do you desire to be alone with a man Lady Ward I am no such Lover for I am too young as yet but I know not what I shall or may be wrought or brought to but time and good example may instruct and lead me into the way of amorous love Lord Courtship May it so Lady Ward Why not for I am docible and youth is apt to learn Lord Court But before I marry you I would have you learn to know how to be an obedient wife as to be content and not murmure at my actions also to please my humour but not to imitate my practice Lady Ward If I might advise your Lordship I would advise you to take such a Portion out of my Estate as you shall think just or fit and then quit me and choose such a one as you shall like for I shall never please you for though I may be apt to learn what will please my self yet I am dull and intractable to learn obedience to anothers will nor can I flatter their delights Lord Court I finde you have learned and now begin to practice how to talk for now your sober silence seems as dead and buried in the rubbish of follish words But let me tell you a talking wife will never please me wherefore practise patience and keep silence if you would enjoy the happiness of peace The Lord Courtship goes out Lady Ward alone Lady Ward There can be no peace when the mind is discontented Exit Scene 3. Enter Lord Title and Poor Vertue POor Virtue Why do you follow me so much as never to let me rest in peace and quiet alone Is it that you think I have beauty and is it
like a disorder'd multitude only the one offends the ear as the other offends the eyes and there can be no pleasure but in harmony which harmony is Quantity Quality Symmetry and Unity and though quality quantity and symmetry are brought by the Senses yet Unity is made in the mind Thus Harmony lives in the minde for without the minde the senses could take no delight Exeunt ACT II. Scene 7. Enter the Lady Ward and Doctor Practice DOctor Practice How do you Lady Lady Ward Why very well Doctor how do you Doctor Prac. Why I was sent as being believed you are mad Lady Ward Troth Doctor that 's no wonder for all the world is mad more or less Doctor Prac. Do you finde any distemper in your head Lady Ward My head will ake sometimes Doctor Pract. I mean a distemper in your minde Lady Ward My minde is troubled sometimes Doctor Pract. That is not well let me feel your pulse Lady Ward Why Doctor can you know the temper of my mind by the feeling of my pulse Doctor Pract. There is a great Sympathy between the Minde and the Body Lady Ward But I doubt Doctor your learned skill is many times deceived by the pulse you will sooner find a mad distemper in the tongue or actions than in the wrists Doctor Pract. In troth Lady you speak reason which those that are mad do not do Lady Ward O yes Doctor but they doe as you cure Diseases by chance Exeunt Scene 8. Enter the Lord Title alone LOrd Title O Love dissembling love that seem'st to be the best of passions and yet torments the soul He walks in a melancholy muse Enter Master Inquirer Master Inquirer What makes your Lordship so melancholy as to shun all your friends to walk alone Lord Title I am in Love Master Inqui. There are many remedies for love Lord Title I would you could tell me one Master Inqui. May I know the Lady you are in love with Lord Title The Lady say you she is a poor Lady Master Inqui. Your Lordship is so rich as you may marry without a portion Lord Title O I could curse my fate and rail at my destiny Master Inqui. For what Lord Title To make me fall in love with one I am asham'd to make her known Master Inqui. Is she so mean and yet so beautiful Lord Title O she hath all the Beauties and Graces that can attract a soul to love for surely Nature sate in Councel to make her body and the Gods sate in Councel to compose her mind Master Inqui. May not I see her Lord Title Yes Master Inqui. Where may I find her Lord Title Upon the next Plain under a bush that bends much like a bower there she most commonly sits to watch her sheep but I will goe with you Master Inqui. Your Lordship is not jealous Lord Title All Lovers think their Beloved is never secure enough Exeunt Scene 9. Enter Nurse Careful as in a fright unto the Lady VVard Nurse Careful O my Child I am told that on a sudden you turned mad Lady Ward Surely Nurse your fear or what else it may be you seem to me to be more mad than I can find in my self to be Nurse Caref. That shews you are mad Lady Ward If I am mad I suck'd the madness from your brest Nurse Caref. I do confess Child I have not had those mad vagaries since I gave suck as I had before Lady Ward 'T is a signe you are grown old Nurse Nurse Caref. I confess Youth is oftner mad than Age but dear Child tell me art thou mad Lady Ward Prethee Nurse lest thou shouldst become mad goe sleep to settle thy thoughts and quiet thy mind for I remember a witty Poet one Doctor Don saith Sleep is pains easie salve and doth fulfil All Offices unless it be to kill Nurse Careful cries out as in a great fright Nurse Caref. O Heaven what shall I do what shall I do Enter Doctor Practice Doctor Pract. What is the matter Nurse what is the matter you shreek out so Nurse Caref. O Doctor my Child is mad my Child is mad for she repeats Verses Doctor Pract. That 's an ill signe indeed Lady Ward Doctor did you never repeat Latine Sentences when you have read Lectures nor Latine Verses when you did Dispute in Schools Doctor Pract. Yes Sweet Lady a hundred times Lady Ward Lord Doctor have you been mad a hundred times and recovered so often Nurse Caref. Those were Latine Verses those were Latine Verses Child Doctor Pract. Faith Lady you pose me Lady Ward Then Doctor go to School again or at least return again to the University and study again and then practise not to be posed Doctor Pract. Nurse she is not well she must be put to a diet Lady Ward But why Doctor should you think me mad I have done no outragious action and if all those that speak extravagantly should be put to a diet as being thought mad many a fat waste would shrink in the doublet and many a Poetical vein would be dryed up and the flame quench'd out for want of radical oyl to prolong it Thus Wit would be starved for want of vapour to feed it The truth is a spare diet may make room in a Scholars head for old dead Authors to lie in for the emptyer their heads are of wit the fuller they may be fill'd with learning for I do imagine old dead Authors lie in a Scholars head as they say souls do none knows where for a million of souls to lie in as small a compass as the point of a needle Doctor Pract. Her brain is hotly distemper'd and moves with an extraordinary quick motion as may be perceiv'd by her strange fancy wherefore Nurse you had best get her to bed if you can and I will prescribe some medicine and rules for her Exit Doctor Nurse Caref. Come sweet child let me put thee to bed Lady VVard I will go to bed if you would have me but good Nurse believe me I am not mad it 's true the force of my passion hath made my Reason to erre and though my Reason hath gone astray yet it is not lost But consider well Nurse and tell me what noble minde can suffer a base servitude without rebellious passions But howsoever since they are of this opinion I am content to cherish it if you approve of it for if I seem mad the next of my kindred will beg the keeping of me for the sake of my Estate and I had rather lose my Estate and be thought mad than lose my honour in base offices and my free-born liberty to be inslaved to whores and though I do not fear my honest youth can be corrupted by ill example yet I will not have my youth a witness to wicked and base vice Nurse Caref. By no means I do not approve of these strange wayes besides you are a Ward to a gallant man and may be Mariage will alter his humour for most commonly
Courts It is beyond the power of Iove to please the various humours of Woman-kind Exit Scene 29. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEntleman There was never so many Noble Persons Married in one day in one City I think before those that are to Marry to morrow 2 Gentlem. Who are they 1 Gentlem. Why do you not hear 2 Gentlem. No 1 Gentlem. Surely you have been either dead or deaf 2 Gentlem. I have been in the Country 1 Gentlem. That is some reason indeed but the Newes of the City uses to travel in Letters on Post-horses into the Country 2 Gentlem. No faith for the most part they come in slow Waggons but tell me who those are that are to be Maried to morrow 1 Gentlem. Why first there is the Lord Title and the Lady Virtue Secondly the Lord Courtship and the Lady VVard Thirdly there is Sir Famit Poet and the Lady Contemplation Fourthly the Lady Conversation and Sir Experienc'd Traveller And fifthly the Lady Visitant and Sir Humphry Interruption 2 Gentlem. I will do my endeavour to see them all for I will go to each Bridal House 1 Gentlem. How will you do so being all maried on a day 2 Gentlem. Why I will bid Good-morrow to the one and I will goe to Church with another and dine with the third and dance the afternoon with the fourth and see the fifth a bed 1 Gentlem. That you may do Exeunt Scene 30. Enter Mistris Troublesome and her Maid MIstris Troubles Lord there are so many Weddings to be to morrow as I know not which to go to Besides I shall displease those I go not to being invited to them all Maid If you would displease neither of them you must feign your self sick and go to none of them Mistris Troubles None of them say you that would be a cause to make me die for I would not but be a guest to one of them for any thing could be given me But I am resolved to go to the Lady Conversation and Sir Experienc'd Travellers Wedding for there there will be the most company and it is company that I love better than the Wedding-cheer for much company is a Feast to me Maid Truly Mistris I wonder you should delight in company you being in years Mistris Troubles Out you naughty Wench do you say I am old Maid No indeed I did not name old Mistris Troubles Then let me tell you that those women that are in years seek company to divulge their Wit as youth to divulge their Beauty and we Aged Wits may chance to catch a Lover from a young Beauty But I should applaud my own wit if it could contrive to bring each Bride and Bridegroom into one Assembly making Hymen's Monarchy a Republick where all should be in common Maid So Mistriss you would prove a Traytor to Hymen which is a Bawd Mistris Troubles Faith I will turn you away for your boldness Enter Mistris Gossip O Mistris Gossip you are welcome what Newes Mistris Gossip I am come to tell you that the five Bridals meet with their Guests and good Cheer at the City-Hall and make their several Companies Joyning as one as one Body and there will be such Revelling as the like was never before Mistris Troubles Iuno be thanked and Venus be praised for it for I was much perplex'd concerning their Divisions till you came and brought me this good Newes of their Corporation Exeunt Scene 31. Enter the Lord Title and the Lady Virtue as his Bride both of them richly attired and Old Humanity following them LOrd Title Come Old Humanity and be our Father to ioyn and give us in the Church and then when we are Maried we will live a Country-life I as a Shepherd and this Lady as my Fair Shepherdess Exeunt Scene 32. Enter the Lady Ward as a Bride and her Nurse Nurse Careful NUrse Careful My dear Child you appear as a sweet budding Rose this morning Lady Ward Roses are beset with thorns Nurse I hope I am not so Nurse Caref. By 'r Lady your Husband may prove a thorn if he be not a good man and a kind Husband but Oh my heart doth ake Lady Ward Wherefore doth it ake Enter Lord Courtship as a Bridegroom Lord Courts Come Sweet are you ready for it is time to go to Church it is almost twelve a clock Lady Ward I am ready but my Nurse doth affright me by telling me her heart doth ake as if she did fore-know by her experien'd age some ill fortune towards me or that I shall be unhappy in my mariage Lord Courts Her heart doth not ake for you but for her self because she cannot be a young fair bride as you are as being past her youth so that her heart doth ake out of a sad remembrance of her self not for a present or a future cause for you Nurse Caref. Well well I was young indeed and a comely bride when I was maried though I say it and had a loving bridegroom Heaven rest his soul Exeunt Scene 33. Enter the Lady Visitant as a Bride to the Lady Conplation another Bride LAdy Visit. Come I have brought all my bridal guests hither to joyn with yours for we will go to Church together Wherefore prethee come away our Bridegrooms and our Guests stay for you Lady Contempl. I will go to them by and by Lady Visit. Why I hope you do not stay to muse upon Phantasmes saith Mariage will banish them out of your head you must now imploy your time with Realities Lady Contempl. If I thought Mariage would destroy or disturb my Contemplations I would not marry although my Wedding-guests were come and my Wedding-dinner ready drest and my Wedding-cloaths on nay were I at the holy Altar I would return back Lady Visit. That would be such an action as all the Kingdome would say you were mad Lady Contem. I had rather all the World should not only say I were mad but think me so rather than my self to be unhappy Lady Visit. Can want of Contemplation make you unhappy Lady Contem. Yes as unhappy as a body can be without a soul for Contemplation is the life of the soul and who can be happy that hath a dead soul Lady Visit. By my troth I had rather be dead than have such a dull life Enter Maid Maid Madam the Bridegroom is coming hither Lady Contempl. I will prevent him and meet him Exeunt Scene 34. Enter the two Gentlemen 1 GEntlem. Come away come away they 'l be all married before we shall get to Church 2 Gentlem. There will be enough Witnesses we may well be spared but so I share of the Feast I care not whether they be married or not 1 Gentle The truth is the benefit to us will be only in eating of their meat and drinking of their wine 2 Gentlem. And I mean to be drunk but not for joy of their Mariages but for pleasure of my Gusto Exeunt Scene 35. Enter the five Couples and all the Bridal Guests The Bridegrooms and
VVherefore Lady take me and make your self happy and me No Musk nor Civet courtly words I use Nor Frenchez-pan promises to abuse Your softer Sex nor Spanish sweets to tell And bribe your quicker nostrils with the smell Or let a false tear down my cheek to fall And with dissembling kneeling therewithall Sigh my self into Air these fools disdain These quarter-wits O kick them back again Nor am I like a Justice of the Peace That woo's you just as he would buy a lease Nor like an Heir whose Tutor for his sake So many lyes of Joynter-houses make Nor like a Lawyer that would fain intail And when he 's try'd doth make a Jeofail Nay thousands more that always do dissemble For your sake make my loving heart to tremble Lest you should be deceiv'd Admired Lady fear not my Profession All my Drum-heads I 'll beat them to soft silence And every warlike Trumpet shall be dumb Our feared Colours now shall be torn off And all our Armour be condemn'd to rust Only my Sword I 'll wear the badge of man Por to defend you and your Honour-still Then Madam take me thus your loving Vassal When lying bragging Castrils will forsake you Oh take a man and joy in him for life A Sword-man knows the virtue of a Wife Here ends my Lord Marquisses writing The Lady Prudence's Answer Lady Prudence Gallant Sir should I accept of your Sute I should be either an Enemy to my self or you or my Country As for my self should I marry a Souldier I should be tormented with the cruellest passions for if I love my Husband as sure I shall I shall be perpetually frightned with his dangers grieved for his absence despair of his life Every little misfortune will be as his Passing-Bell I shall never be at rest asleep nor awake my Dreams will present him to my view with bleeding wounds mangled body and pale visage I shall be widow'd every minute of an hour in my own thoughts for as the Senses are to the Body so the thoughts are to the Mind and Imaginations in these or the like cases are as strong as a visible presence for passions live in the Soul not in the senses for a man is as much grieved when he hears his friend is dead or kill'd as if he saw him dead or slain for the dead friend lives in the mind not the mind in the dead friend But with these Dreams and Imaginations I shall grow blind with weeping weak with sighing sick with sorrowing and deaf with listning after reports And should you desist from that noble Profession for my sake I should prove as a Traitor to my Country by taking away part of the strength and support leaving the weakness to the force of the Enemy for a good Souldier is a strong Fort and Bulwark of Defence Indeed a skilful Commander is to be prefer'd before a numerous Army for a number of men without Order are like dust which the least puff of wind blows about so an Army not being well commanded is quickly dispers'd and suddenly routed upon the least errour besides should you desist you would bury your name in Oblivion when by your valiant Actions and prudent Conduct your memory will be placed in Fames high Tower and writ in large Characters of praise 'T is true should I marry I should prefer my Husbands honour before his life yet would I not willingly marry a man whose life shall be set at the stake and Fortune still throwing at it for that would make me live miserably And who would wilfully make themselves miserable when Nature forbids it and God commands it not Exit Lady The Lover goes sighing out Scene 3. Enter the Lady Parrot and the Lady Minion LAdy Parrot Shall we go and visit the Lady Gravity Minion No she lives so solitary a life as we shall meet no company there for none go to visit her Lady Parrot Then let us goe to the Lady Liberty there we shall meet company enough for all the Ladies in the Town go to visit her Minion If she hath no men-visiters I will not add to the number of her Lady visiters Parrot You may be sure she hath Masculine Visiters or else the Ladies would never go to see her for it is to meet the men the Ladies go to see her and not for her own sake Minion And the men go to see the Ladies Parrot I believe some do yet men are better company in the company of their own Sex than in the company of women Minion By your favour the contrary Sex agree best and are better pleased together than men with men or women with women But if the Lady Liberties House be the General Rendezvouz for Men and Women let us go Parrot Content Exeunt Scene 8. Enter Mistris Trifle and Mistris Vanity VAnity O my dear Heart Trifle O my dear Joy how glad am I to see thee But where have you been that you came later than you promis'd for if you had not sent me word you would come to me to day I had gone to you Vanity Why where do you think I have been Trifle I know not where to think Vanity I have been at a Silk-mans shop to buy me a new Gown but I would not choose it before I had shewn thee my patterns Trifle Let me see them She shews them Vanity What do you think of this stuff Trifle This is out of Fashion besides 't is not a Mode-colour Vanity What think you of this Tabby Trifle The colour is good but it is not of a good water Vanity What think you of this Sattin Trifle The Sattin is a good glossy Sattin but the colour is too pale Vanity But pale colours 't is said are Allamode in France Trifle Who says so Vanity A Gentleman told me so which is newly come out of France Trifle Then he perchance could have told you all the French Fashions Vanity So he did most particularly for he said he went into France for no other purpose but to see and observe Fashions Trifle I believe he only observed mens Fashions being a man and not womens Fashions Vanity Nay he swore he observ'd the womens Fashion more than the mens by reason he knew it would make him more acceptable to our Sex at his return not onely for Discourse-sake but for the kind rewards he should have for his Intelligence which rewards he hath found so full and plentiful as he hath made such a beneficial Journey as he will go once every year and stay a moneth or two and then return Trifle For Ioves sake send him to me Vanity I will but prethee choose my Gown Trifle Let the Gentleman that came out of France choose your Gown for he can put you into the French Fashion Exeunt Scene 9. Enter the Lady Prudence and the Amorous VVooer They take their places and the Assembly about them VVOoer Sweet Lady your Beauty hath wounded my heart imprisoned my senses and hath inslav'd my soul so as I
hope I shall be shortly Parrot Come we will go and chide your Husband that he hath been maried a week and his Wife not with child Lady Gosling Yes pray goe chide him and I will bear your company Exeunt Scene 45. Enter the Prince and Princess PRincess Sir pray perswade the unmaried Ladies to dance for I cannot intreat them Prince That 's strange for Ladies will dance without intreating for no intreating will make them sit still Princess It seems they are not in their dancing-humour to day for every one finds some excuse for to deny Prince Let them alone and take no notice of their reserved humours and they will dance without intreating nay they will intreat you they may dance Enter a Gentleman Gentlem. If it please your Highness the Ladies desire you would give them leave to Celebrate your Mariage with their Mirth and to express their Joy with their Dancing Prince We shall take it as a Favour to our Nuptials Exit Gentleman Prince Did not I tell you they would desire to dance Princess Truly I was so ignorant as I knew not so much the nature of our Sex Prince You knew not so much of their follies Exeunt Scene 46. Enter Mistris Parle Mistris Fondly Mistris Trifle Mistris Vanity VAnity Let us strive to make the Bride jealous Parle That 's impossible now but you may not work to good effect some a half a year hence Fondly Why I have known a Bridegroom leer her the next day he was maried Trifle Perchance a Bridegroom may for men are sooner cloy'd than women but a Bride will fondly hang about her Husbands neck a week at least Parle A week nay a moneth for a woman is fond the first moneth sick the second moneth peevish the third moneth coy the fourth moneth false the fifth moneth and Cuckolds her Husband the sixth moneth Fondly Then a maried man sprouts Horns in half a year Parle Yes for they are set the day of his mariage and some half a year after they are budded but not so fully grown as to appear to the publick view Trifle But will nothing hinder the growth Parle No 'faith but Death and Death like a Frost doth nip those tender buds Vanity Which death the mans or the womans Parle The womans for if the man dies and his Widow marries again the dead Husband is horn'd in his Grave and the living Husband is horn'd in his Bed Vanity Then their Horns may be put together as Stags in Rutting-time Fondly I had rather make Horns than talk of Horns therefore I 'll go dance Exeunt Scene 47. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEntlem. Where have you been 2 Gent. At Church 1 Gent. Did a fit of Devotion hurry you to the Church to pray 2 Gent. No 'faith I went not to pray but to joyn a pair of Lovers hands in Wedlocks Bonds for they chose me to be their Father to give them in the Church 1 Gent. What Lovers were they that were so foolish to marry 2 Gent. So honest you mean 1 Gent. There is more folly in 't than honesty in my opinion 2 Gent. Thou art an Infidel nay a very Athiest 1 Gent. I am a Naturalist But who are they that are maried 2 Gent. Why Sir William Holdfast and the Lady Mute 1 Gent. The truth is he is a worthy Person and she is a virtuous and sweet Lady wherefore they deserve each other besides she is an Heir and he hath a great Estate 2 Gent. He hath so 1 Gent. What is the Wedding kept private 2 Gent. Yes there are only two or three Friends but I must goe dine with them therefore fare thee well unless you will go with me for you know you shall be welcome 1 Gent. I know I shall therefore I shall go with you Exeunt Scene 48. Enter the Prince and Princess and all the Ladies and Gallants as Knights and Gentlemen They dance upon the Stage and then go out FINIS EPILOGUE OUr Auth'ress here hath sent me for her pay She 's at the Charge of Wit to make the Play But if you think it not worthy of Praise Nor an Applause of Hands her Fame to raise She doth desire that it in pawn may lie Till redeem'd by a better Comedie The Actors Names The Lord Widower Sir William Lovewell and the Lady Hypocondria his wife Sir Henry Sage and the Lady Chastity his wife Sir Edward Courtly and the Lady Iealousie his wife Sir Humphrey Disagree and the Lady Disagree his wife Sir Thomas Cuckold and the Lady Wanton his wife Sir Timothy Spendall and the Lady Poverty his wife Sir Iohn Dotard and the Lady Driping his wife Sir Francis Inconstant and the Lady Inconstant his wife Sir Iames Hearty the Lady Inconstants Father Monsieur Amorous Monsieur Disguise The Lady Sprightly the Lord Widowers Daughter The Lady Procurer Mistris Forsaken afterwards named Monsieur Disguise Mistris Single sister to the Lady Jealousie Doll Subtilty the Lady Sprightly's Chambermaid Also a Waiting-Gentlewoman Nan Lightheel the Lady Jealousies Maid and likewise a Waiting-Gentlewoman Joan Cry-out the Lady Hypocondria's Chamber-maid and likewise a Waiting-Gentlewoman Briget Greasy Sir John Dottards Kitchin maid and two other Maids of his Three Maid-servants of the Lady Poverty 's Two or three Maid-servants of the Lady Disagree's A Maid-servant to the Lady Inconstant Nic Adviser Sir Francis Inconstants man Roger Trusty Sir William Lovewels man A Serving-man of Sir James Hearty's A Skipper Doctors and others Steward The first Part of the Play called the MATRIMONIAL TROUBLE A COMEDY ACT I. Scene 1. Enter Sir Francis Inconstant and Mistris Forsaken SIr Fran. Incon. When I forsake you let Heaven forsake my Soul Mistris Forsaken I do not doubt you for if I did I could not love you and whilst I love you I cannot doubt you Inconstant O how it wounds my heart to part from you my Thoughts are tortur'd and my Mind is set upon a melancholy Rack Forsaken Since your Journey cannot be conveniently avoided I will please my self with the hopes of your sudden Return Inconstant Farewel sweet Mistris Death is the worst of Nature and your Absence the worst of Fortune Exeunt Scene 2. Enter Master Thrifty the Steward and Briget Greasy the Cook-maid BRiget Greasy Good Master Steward give Order for some Beef-suet to be brought in for there is nor any left in the House and I must make a Venison-pasty and if I should temper my Pasty all with butter you would be angry Thrifty Why cannot you take some of the fat from the Beef-broth for your Crust Briget Yes if every one that eat of it had as fresh a mouth as you or loved drink so well as you do it would serve otherwise it would be too salt for their palats besides I am to make puddings in guts Thrifty If they prove as the last you made the dogs may eat them for the guts stunk so much as no man could eat any of them Briget I 'm sure 't was your fault in that
Sir Disguise Then inquire for a mans-Tailor to make me some Cloaths for I am not Accoutred fit for a Bridal-House Skipper I shall Sir Exeunt Scene 14. Enter two Maids of Sir John Dotards 1 MAid 'Faith I will go and inquire out a new service for I will never be box'd by my fellow-servant that was although now she is prefer'd to be House-keeper 2 Maid How came the quarrel betwixt you 1 Maid Why now forsooth she is come to Order and to Rectifie she 's not only grown light-finger'd but fine-finger'd as to touch nothing that is not bright-scour'd nor then neither without her gloves and she calld for a candle and a candlestick to carry into my Masters Chamber and I for haste run up with the candle and forgot the candlestick and had left it behind me when I came what said she do you bring a candle without a candlestick Alas said I I have forgot it but hold you the candle said I and I will run and fetch the stick strait and so I put the candle into her hand with that she up with her hand and gave me a box on the ear what said she do you give me a greasie candle to hold I will teach you more manners said she against the next time I being heated at the blow she gave me cold her that she had forgot since the Mouse bit her greasie face when she was asleep taking it for a candles-end or a piece of bacon with that she flew upon me and I at her where in the combat we made such a noise as my Master came forth of his Chamber and parted us and then he bid me get me out of his house but kiss'd her and pray'd her to pacifie her anger and not to distemper her self with a rude wench as I was 2 Maid And what said she then 1 Maid Why she told my Master I was a naughty Baggage a dirty Slur a base Whore and all the ill names she could but I will not suffer this for I will be gone 1 Maid Nay let us stay until we are provided of other Services Exeunt Scene 15. Enter Monsieur Disguise alone MOnsieur Disguise And is he maried O that I could pull out that part of my Brain which imprints his memory for the wrongs he hath done me are so great and heavy as I wish I could unload my Soul and build a Pyramide of Curses that may stand as a mark of his Infamy She studies a little time then speaks I had rather banish my self than live in disgrace in my own Countrey Exit ACT II. Scene 16. Enter the Lord VVidower and Doll Subtilty SUbtilty 'Faith my Lord your Daughter is so jealous of me as she sayes I am always in your Lordships Chamber Lord Why so thou art most commonly although not always Subtilty But yet it is not fit Children should examine their Parents actions and it were an indiscretion in Parents to allow of it Lord She is young she is young Subtilty Wherefore your Lordship should have a care to have her prudently govern'd and if she be too young to govern her self how can she govern so great a Family as your Lordships is Lord O she hath but the name my Steward governs all Subtilty Yes but the Mistris of the House governs the Steward and the Steward gives Orders as an Inferiour Officer delivering the Superiours commands Lord You say true wherefore you that have some more experience should counsel her Subtilty O my Lord 't is not manners for me to give her counsel neither will she take it from me for when I humbly offer her my Advice she checks me and threatens to turn me away Lord Doth she so But I will have her to take counse and to know she is too young to order after her own childish fancy Subtilty Indeed my Lord she wants years which should make her experienc'd Sweet child she is fitter to dress Babies and order a Closet than govern a great Family which is a little Common-wealth Lord Well I will order her otherwise Exeunt Scene 17. Enter the Bride the Bridegroom Sir James Hearty and all the Bridal Guests Then enters a servant to the Bridegroom Sir Francis Inconstant SErvant Sir there is a young Gentleman desires to speak with your Worship Inconstant What manner of man is he Servant A sweet-fac'd young man by my Troth Sir Inconstant Of what Country seems he to be Servant Of your own Countrey Sir Inconstant Direct him in Enter Monsieur Disguise Disguise Sir I was commanded by a young Lady to give you this Letter Sir Francis reads it and in the reading seems very much troubled Inconstant She writes as if she were dying when she writ this letter Disguise She was dying indeed for the last act she did was to give me this letter and the last words she spoke were Pray see this letter safe convey'd and so she dy'd Lady Inconstant What makes you so pale on a sudden Husband Sir Fran. Incon. I am not well and therefore I must goe to my Chamber But pray Sweet-heart stay you here lest my being ill shoald disturb our Guests Lady Inconstant Do you think I can entertain them if you be sick Sir Fran. Incon. I am not so sick as to be nurs'd although not so well as to delight in company for I am rather melancholy than any other way distemper'd Lady Inconst. What makes you melancholy Sir Fran. Incon. Why a dear Friend of mine is dead He sighs a great sigh But Sweet-heart pray excuse me to the company and pray let this Gentleman my noble Friend be well treated Lady Inconst. I shall obey your command Sir Francis goes out Sir Iam. Hearty What is my Son-in-law gone Lady Inconst. Sir he desires you and the rest of the company would excuse him for he hath heard of the death of a Friend which makes him so melancholy as he saith that his dull and indispos'd humour would disturb the mirth of our noble Friends Sir Iam. Hearty 'T is a sign he is young that he is so tender-natur'd and so soft-hearted to mourn and grieve for those that die but when he comes to Age he will only commend his friends that are dead but not grieve for them for Pity wears out as Age increases Lady Inconst. Pray Sir let me intreat you to be one of our Guests Disguise You shall command me Lady Sir Tho. Cuckold Nay since the Gentleman hath brought such Newes as hath banished the Bridegroom from the Company he shall now supply his place Sir Hum. Disagree Soft Sir he may at the Board but not in his Bed Sir Hen. Courtly He looks so modestly as if he would play the part of a Bride rather than a Bridegroom Disguise Lady will you accept of my modest service Lady Inconst. Sir I must not refuse Modesty Exeunt Scene 18. Enter two Maid-servants of Sir John Dotards 1 MAid 'T is no wonder that Briget Greasie is so proud now being maried to my Master he
having made her a Lady Lord Lord to see the fortune that some have over others why if my Master would have maried one of his Maids he might have chosen a prettier wench amongst any of us all than she is 2 Maid Yes 'faith for she was thought the veriest Puss of us all for she is neither snout-fair nor well-shap'd she hath splay-feet and chilblainheels 1 Maid Nay all will grant she was the dirtiest slut in the House for there was never a man-servant but would cry so at her when they kiss'd her besides she was the veriest fool amongst us But Lord what Wealth and Honour will do for now she is a Lady she looks as if she never wash'd a dish or scour'd a kettle or spit 2 Maid But I wonder how she came to be his Wife she might have served as her Betters have done before her I am sure there was Nan a pretty pert cleanly Maid who was kind and willing to do any thing either to serve our Master or fellow servants 1 Maid O but Nan had not an old woman that us'd to come to her to get suet and scraps as Briget had and this old woman they say counsell'd Briget to seem nice and coy 2 Maid I wonder what Richard the Carter will say who was turned out of his service because he should not share with my Master 1 Maid 'Faith I heard that Richard was told of her Advancement and 't is said he laugh'd and said my Master had a hungry stomach that he could feed of his leavings but by his Troth he was glad she was become a Lady for now he could say he had kiss'd and courted a Lady as well as the best Gallant of them all Exeunt Scene 19. Enter the Lord Widower and the Lady Sprightly his Daughter LOrd Daughter although you do govern my Family very well for your years yet you are young and wanting Experience may be cozened and though I have a great Estate yet it will be all consum'd if Order and Method be not put into practice wherefore I would have you take the counsel of Mistris Dorothy Subtilty to assist you Lady Who is that my Lord Lord Why do not you know her she that waited on your Mother Lady Pardon me my Lord I did not know her by that Title for she was plain Dol Subtilty when she waited on my Mother and not knowing of her advancement from a Chambermaid to a Gentlewoman I might easily mistake besides she is not so much older as to have much more experience than my self perchance she may have more craft which was learned her in her poverty than I who have been bred at the Horn of Plenty that knew no scarcity nor sharking necessity Lord You have a sharp tongue when spight moves it but let me hear no more of these words but do as I command you Lady I never disobey'd you as I do know Lord Well no more words Exeunt Scene 20. Enter the Bride and all the Bridal Guests they dance and Monsieur Disguise dances with the Bride Sir Spendall seems to whisper Monsieur Disguise in the Ear being half drunk SPendall Sir but that you look more like a woman than a man you might give the Bridegroom more cause to be melancholy for the living than the dead but let me intreat you young Gentleman that you strike not his Head as your News hath done his Heart for I perceive the Brides eyes are fix'd upon you and from the root of a fix'd eye grows Horns when they are set in a maried Head Disguise There is no fear Spendall Yes Sir as long as there are doubts there are fears Disguise There is no doubt Sir Spendall But that she will be Sir Disguise What Sir Spendall What you please Sir and let me tell you young Gentleman that as long as there are women there will be Lovers and Cuckolds Disguise And let me tell you Sir that as long as there are men there will be Fools and Drunkards Lady Inconstant Sir I doubt we have invited you rather to your trouble than your delight Disguise Madam you are the Treasure of Pleasure and Delight which none can receive but from your Bounty nor enjoy but by your Favour Exeunt Scene 21. Enter the Lady Sprightly and Dol Subtilty LAdy Sprightly What had you to do to contradict my commands Dol Subtilty They were not fit to be obey'd wherefore they were forbid The Lady gives Dol a box on the Ear Lady There take that to remember I forbid you to forbid my commands Dol. I will declare your blows to some that shall revenge me Enter the Lord Widower Lord What are you so light-finger'd 'T is time to get you a Husband to govern and rule your high spirit Lady No pray Sir get me no Husband for if my Father takes part against me surely a Husband will be worse natur'd Lord So you will say I am unnatural Lady No Sir I only say it is not my undutifulness that displeases you but some that hath more wit than I or at least good fortune to please you better Lord VVell pray study your Book and VVork and leave the Houshold Affairs to my disposal Lady Sir I took the Office as my duty to your commands not for Delight Pleasure Ease or Profit and I shall surrender it up again upon the same account and with all the trouble care labour vexations and disquiets belonging thereunto Lord In doing so you will do very well Exeunt Scene 32. Enter the Lady Hypocondria as being frightly sick and her Husband Sir VVilliam Lovewell LOvewell Heaven bless you wife what makes you so extremely pale and to seem so affrighted Hypocon. O Husband I have an Imposthume broken within me and the bag will rise and choke me Lovewell Heaven forbid Hypocon. O I am choak'd I am choak'd I cannot fetch my breath She takes her breath very short Sir VVilliam Lovewell in a great fright calls for help Enter some servants Lovewell O send for Doctors strait for my wife is ready to die They go out running he standing by the Chair his Wife sits in trembling and quaking Lovewell How are you dear VVife how do you feel your self now how are you Hypocondria O very ill but yet me thinks I can fetch my breath a little better than I could I believe the Imposthume-bag is fallen down wherefore I will go to bed Lovewell Pray do VVife He leads her out and she goeth softly Exeunt Scene 23. Enter Sir Henry Sage and the Lady Chastity his Wife SAge Sweet-heart I was in your Bed-chamber and in your Cabinet-chamber and missing you in both I was afraid I must have been forc'd to have hir'd a Cryer to have proclamed my loss Chastity Many a Wife doth proclame her Husbands loss without the help of a Cryer for the Wives Adulterous Acts proclame her Husband a Cucold and the loss of his Honour Sage But I am not afraid of that for I am confident of thy Chastity although the old
very thought doth almost make me mad especially when I remember the hopes I had to advance my Son by marriage but you shall go back to carry Letters that shall declare my anger and my command for my Sons repair unto me since I cannot return home as yet I le dispatch you strait Exeunt Scene 5. Enter the two Maids Joan and Kate KAte It is a very pleasing sight to see the new marryed Children I may say for so are they yet they behave themselves so gravely and so formally as if they were an Ancoret couple for there is no appearance of Childishness in their behaviour Ioan. But I wonder my Master and Lady will suffer them to bed together Kate My Master did perswade his Nephew to ly by himself but he would not be perswaded Ioan. Truly he is a very fine youth and she a very pretty young Lady I dare say she will make a very handsome woman Kate I believe she will and a virtuous woman and he a handsome and gallant man Exeunt Scene 6. Enter Sir Thomas Gravity and his Lady SIr Thomas Gravity So Wife by your perswasions to this marriage I have lost the love of my only Brother Lady And I am like to lose my only Child through the grief of the departure of her Husband for she looks so pale and is so weak with crying and fasting for she feeds only on grief and her tears quenches her droughth I think she will dy Sir Thomas Gravity It is your own fault for you would never be quiet nor let be at rest untill they were married Lady Would I and my Child had never seen your Nephew Sir Thomas Gravity All the hopes we have is that my Brother will be pacified with time Exeunt Scene 7. Enter the two Maids Joan and Kate KAte I never saw so much affectionate grief as at the parting of the young married couple Ioan. O passionate tears flow naturally from Childrens Eyes Kate When they were to part they did kiss weep and imbrace so close as their tears mixt together Ioan. They will weep as much for joy when they meet again as they do now for grief at parting Kate But absence and time doth waste Love Ioan. Absence doth rather put out the flame of Love than waste the Lamp but their Love was lighted so soon that if it be not put out it will last a long time Kate Nay faith the sooner it is lighted the sooner it will burn out but to make Love last long is sometimes to put it out and then to re-inkindle it for a continual fire doth waste the fuell and a Candle will soon burn out although it be lighted but at one end but absence is an extinguisher which saves it and return is relighting it Ioan. Are Lovers like Candles Kate Yes faith for as there are Candles of all sorts and sizes so there are Lovers of all degrees some are like Torch-light that flame high and bright but soon waste out others like watch Candles that give but a dim dull light but will last a long time and some that give but a little light and are strait burnt out Ioan. But what is á snast in a Candle which is like a blazing Star with a stream or tail that mels a Candle and makes it run out Kate Faith a snast is like a Mistriss as a Courtizan or servant that makes waste of Matrimonial Love it makes Matrimonial Love fall into a snuf but prudent discretion and chast kisses are as snuffers to clip of those snasts before they get power or are in a blaze or like a Bodkin that picks or puls them out with the point of a sharp tongue Ioan. By your similizing you make love Greace Kate You say right for there is nothing so apt to flame and melt as Greace and Love it is there natural properties to waste in flame Ioan. Well but let us not waste our time in idle talk but go about our imployments Kate Why talking is the greatest or most imployment women use but indeed love is idle Exeunt ACT II. Scene 8. Enter two Men 1 MAn My Lord is extremely troubled for the marriage of his Son 2 Man He is so and so very angry with his Son as he would not give him his blessing when he came although he hath not seen him in seven years for so long hath my Lord been Embassadour here 1 Man Sometimes Embassadours are many years imployed out of there own Country 2 Man They are so but my Lord is sent for home which I am very glad of 1 Man Doth his Son return home with him 2 Man No for he sends him to travel into several Countryes for as many years as my Lord hath been from his Country 1 Man Why doth he command him so long a time to Travel having no more Sons 2 Man To have him Travel out the remembrance of his Wife at least his affections to her 1 Man Why would not my Lord have his Son love his Wife now he is marryed 2 Man No for my Lord saith that the marriage is not a true marriage for the Lady is not of marrigable years and that is not untill the Female is past twelve 1 Man Why so 2 Man I know not but so it is according to our Canon and Common Laws Exeunt Scene 9. Enter Sir Thomas Gravity and his Lady SIr Thomas Gravity I hear my Brother hath sent his Son to Travel for seven years Lady Pray do not let my Daughter know it for it will kill her if she hears it Sir Thomas Gravity I hear also that he will endeavour to break the marriage Lady The Devill break his heart Sir Thomas Gravity Why do you say so Lady Have I not reason to say so when he endeavours to break my Childs heart and so my heart a dishonest man he is to offer to part man and wife Sir Thomas Gravity But if the marriage will not hold good in law they are not lawfull man and wife Lady I perceive you will take your Brothers part against me Exeunt Scene 10. Enter Mistriss Odd-Humour and her Maid Nan NAn Mistriss I hear there is a Suter preparing to come a wooing to you Mistriss Odd-Humour What preparations doth he make Nan Why he hath been with your Father to treat with him concerning your Portion Mistriss Odd-Humour That is not a Suters preparation that is a Merchants Trafficking that is to make a bargain not to woo a Mistriss but the preparations of a Suter are fine Clothes Coaches and great Attendance with rich presents otherwise a woman is not wooed but a Husband bought Nan Or a Wife sold Mistriss Odd-Humour No the woman or her friends are the purchasers for Husbands never give any thing for a VVife but the woman or her friends pay down ready money for a Husband although they sell Land for it Portions portions undo a Family Nan Nan But for all that you had rather undo a Family than want a Husband Mistriss Odd-Humour Self-love
is prevalent Nan but what manner of man is this man that my Father is treating with is he handsome or rich or famous or honoured with title for I would not put my father to charges and not have a Husband worth my Portion Nan He is rich and a thriving man Mistriss Odd-Humour That is to say a rich miserable man and when I am marryed to him I shall be his poor miserable wife for he will not allow me any thing to spend hardly to eat Nan Then your Chair will be big enough for you Mistriss Odd-Humour Or I shall be little enough for my Chair for a spare diet will make bare bones Nan If you be lean you will want a Cushion unless your Husband will allow you one Mistriss Odd-Humour A miserable Husband will never do that for they think ease breeds Idleness Nan If he be miserable he will be pleased you shall be idle for exercise doth cause a hungry Stomack but if he be a jealous Husband he will not be pleased you should be idle for idleness breeds wantoness Mistriss Odd-Humour A jealous Husband and a miserable is to a woman much a-like for the one bars a wife from Company the other from Meat the one will not allow her fine Cloathes the other dares not let her wear fine Clothes the one will not maintain Servants to wait on her the other dares not trust Servants to wait upon her lest they should be corrupted to be Pimps or Bawds also a miserable Husband and a Prodigal one is a-like to a wife the one keeps all his wealth and spends none the other spends all and keeps none the one will give his wife none the other will spare his wife none from himself and Vanities and Vices thus a wife is poor or unhappy either in a spender or a sparer but if my Father would not cast me and my Portion a-way is to marry me to a man whose bounty or liberality is within one part of his wealth as three parts liberality and four parts wealth and one that hath more love than jealousy more merit than title more honesty than wealth and more wealth than necessity Nan But if you never marry till your Father get you such a Husband you will dy an old Maid Mistriss Odd-Humour I had rather dy an old Maid than be an unhappy Wife Exeunt Scene 11. Enter Sir Thomas Gravity and his Lady SIr Thomas Gravity Why are you angry with me because my Brother is an enemy to the marriage I was a Friend to it and did my part consenting to what you desired and why are you angry with me because the Laws have disanulled the marriage I cannot alter the Laws Lady But your Brothers power with the Arch-Prince and the Arch-Princes power on the Judges and Lawyers Divines and Church-men hath corrupted the Laws and caused Injustice Sir Thomas Gravity That 's none of my fault I have not power to mend them but let me have so much power with you as to perswade you to be patient in matters where your impatience will do you no good also let me Counsel you to advise your Daughter to endeavour to forget my Nephew at least not to love him as a Husband but to place her affections upon some other man for she being freed by the law may marry again who she shall think best to chuse And to draw her off from her Melancholy humour you must perswade her to divert her self and thoughts with variety of Company and to take delight in such things as other Ladyes use as fine Dressing rich Cloathing sportfull Dancing merry Meeting and the like and she being very handsome since she is grown to womans years will be admired praised and sued too in which admirations and praises women take glory and are proud to be wooed for it is the pleasure of their life and the life of their pleasure Lady But how if I cannot perswade her to associate her self with young Company like her self or to wear fine Cloaths or to take pleasure in sports and plays Sir Thomas Gravity Command her to adorn her self bravely and to go to Balls Playes and Masks and those pleasures will steal on her unawares and no question but a little time will make her take such delight therein as she will be so fond of Company and Bravery as you will find it difficult if not impossible to perswade her from it Lady I will take your Counsel and follow your advice Exeunt Scene 12. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEnt. My Lord hath sent for his Son to come home for to marry with the Arch-Prince's Neece 2 Gent. She is a Lady that hath more Wealth than Beauty and more Title than Wit 1 Gent. My Lord cares not to marry his Son to Beauty or Wit but to Riches and Honour 2 Gent. My Lord is Covetous and Ambitious 1 Gent. So are all wise men for they know that Wealth and Honour are the Pillars and Supporters to hold up their Familyes that makes Fathers desirous and industrious to marry their Sons to great Fortunes and not to great Beautyes that their successors may not be buryed in Poverty for Beauty is only for delight but not for continuance Beauty lives only with fond Youth Riches with wife Age and Dignity Crowns antient Riches for a long and rich succession is a Gentlemans Pedigree 2 Gent. I thought Merit had been the foundation of a Gentleman 1 Gent. So it is sometimes but not always for where Merit Dignified one Family Riches Dignified a hundred poor Merit is buryed in Oblivion unless Fame builds him a Monument whereas Riches build Monuments to Fames Palace and bring Fame down to his Palace but Merit without the assistance of Riches can neither feed nor cloth nor sustain nor cannot buy Houses to live in nor Lands to live on it cannot leave anything for Antiquity but the memory of it self wherefore my Lord is wise to chase Riches for his Son 1 Gent. But 't is a question whether his Son will take them and leave the Lady be once was marryed too for 't is said that she is grown an extraordinary Beauty Exeunt Scene 13. Enter Lady Gravity and Lady Perfection her Daughter in black very handsome LAdy Gravity Will not you obey my commands Lady Perfection Yes Madam so far as it is my duty Lady Gravity Then do as I command you dress fine and keep Company Lady Perfection Gay Cloths Madam and my mind will not be suitable my indisposed humour and Company will not be agreeable neither know I how to behave my self in this condition I am in nor how to associate my self for since my marriage is disanull'd I am neither Maid Virgin Widow nor Wife Lady Gravity Come come you are my Daughter that 's sufficient Exeunt Scene 14. Enter two Men 1 MAn Faith I pitty my young Lord for since he is returned from his tedious travels he is kept Prisoner at the Court for the Arch-Prince and his Father will not suffer
speak not of it whilst I am in Lady Gravity I shall not betray the trust of my Child Exeunt Scene 24. Enter Mistriss Odd-Humour and her Maid Nan MIstriss Odd-Humour Nan have you saved the life of my Chair Nan Yes Mistriss but I was forced to tell a ly for it Mistriss Odd-humour God forgive thee Nan for I do and thank thee for my Chair but my Father doth so chide me as he makes me half a weary of my life and swears I have got the Green-Sickness with sitting lasily on that Chair Nan Truly Mistriss I think you have a spice of it for they that have the Green-Sickness have Odd-Humours for I know one that had it and the greatest pleasure she took in the VVorld was to smell musty Bottels and I knew another that took the like to smell old Shooes and I knew another that would eat the Leather of old Shooes and another that would eat Coals and they would refuse the best meat that could be eaten to eat such like things and the strangness is of that Disease that every several person in that Disease hath a several Odd-Humour or Appetite to several tasts and smells and they are never quiet or pleased but when they are eating or smelling such meats or sents they think of nothing else Mistriss Odd-Humour Faith Nan I doubt then I have a spice of that Disease for when I am a broad I long to be at home to sit in my Chair Nan Indeed all of that Disease are like longing women with Child and they will be sick if they have not their longing only those in the Green-Sickness take more delight in extravagant Appetites or Humours than women with Child usually do Mistriss Odd-Humour Nay some Childing women are as extravagant as those in the Green-Sickness for some long to eat Tar and the like meats and I heard of one woman who coming from Market wherein she had bought Butter as she was going home she followed a man with a Bald head and it did appear to her to be so smoth and slick as she long'd to clap on a pound of her Butter upon that Bald Crown and was sick untill she had done so and then was well and some Childing women long to give their Husbands boxes or blowes on the Ears or Cheeks Nan 'T is dangerous for Husbands to have their Childing wives apt to long for fear they should long to make them Cuckolds Mistriss Odd-Humour Faith women will long to make their Husbands Cuckolds whether they are with Child or not Nan But they dare not make known their longing no more than you dare sit in your Chair for fear your Father should discover it Mistriss Odd-Humour I will take such times as wives do to Cuckold their Husbands as in their Husbands absence so I will sit in my Chair when my Father is abroad and you shall be the spy to watch his coming home then give me warning or notice thereof Nan So I shall be as the Bawd between the Chair and you Mistriss Odd-Humour Why Nan a Bawd is one of the most thriving professions that is and let me tell thee that Pimping and Bawding is in such esteem and respect in this age as great persons doe not scorn to be of that profession nay they will bawd and pimp gratis rather than not be imployed Nan It seems then they take delight in the imployment Mistriss Odd-Humour Oh yes those that take delight in secrecy take delight in bawdery the same delight Adulterours take for 't is not so much out of love to each others person as to meet by stealth and to have obscure entercourses as to lay their designs subtily to make excuses readily to meet privately for all the pleasure is in lying designing and abusing and if it were not for the delight to deeds of darkness there would not be an Adultery committed in any Age but every one takes delight to act the part of a Mountebank or Jugler to coosen deceive or delude Nan But some take delight to act the Fool Mistriss Odd-Humour Oh that 's a natural part to most of the World they need no art to reach them but come Nan le ts go see if my Father be gone abroad Nan But if your Father be abroad your Mother will be at home Mistriss Odd-Humour She will be no hinderance for my Mother will wink at my Extravagant follyes and my Childish humours Exeunt ACT III Scene 25. Enter the Arch-Prince and the Lord Dorato ARch-Prince I wonder the Messenger is not returned from the Lady Perfection Lord Dorato I hope your Highness doth not intend to marry her Arch-Prince Why not she is a virtuous Lady Lord Dorato She is but my Sons leavings Arch-Prince Virtue cannot be sullyed Lord Dorato But Sir pray consider the advantages that you will lose by refusing the Emperors Daughter besides the Emperor will take it as an affront and will endeavour to revenge it with Fire and Sword for certainly he will make a war with you Arch-Prince Why if he should I make no question but I shall be able to incounter him at least to resist him Lord Dorato But now Sir you live in a happy peace wherein all your Subjects grow rich and your Kingdome flourishes with plenty and your Highness lives in pleasure and magnificence all which a VVar may bring to ruine there is nothing got by VVars Sir the venturers are losers wherefore good Sir consider what danger at least trouble you will bring upon your self by this Marriage Enter Messenger Arch-Prince How comes it you staid so long Messenger I could no see the Lady Arch-Prince Would no she be seen Messenger No Sir but after a long stay the Lady her Mother came to me to receive your Highnesses Letter and the Message your Highness sent by me which when I had delivered she bid me present her humble duty to your Highness and to pray you to put her Daughter out of your thoughts at least not to think of her for a VVife for she had taken a Religious Habit and had put her self into a Religious Order wherein she would pray for your Highness as long as she lived The Prince stamps Arch-Prince Oh Fool that I was that I did not prevent it Lord Dorato Your Highness did not know she would enter into a Religious Habit and Order Arch-Prince But I might have mistrusted it by her refusal but I will endeavour to get her out perchance she hath not made her Vows yet Exeunt Scene 26. Enter the Lord Melancholy alone LOrd Melancholy And is she entered into a Religious Order I am glad of it for it will be some ease and rest unto my restless Soul that she is safe and well secured Enter a Lady Attendant Lady My Lord the Princess desires your Company for she hath grumbling pains as if she would fall in labour Exeunt Scene 27. Enter two Ladyes 1 LAdy Have you seen the new Devote yet 2 Lady Yes with much ado for she will
not be seen unless to some particular persons or neer friends 1 Lady And how doth she become her Religious Habit 2 Lady So handsomely as she is far handsomer in her Pease habit than when she was drest with all the Arts of Vanityes 1 Lady What manner of Habit is it 2 Lady Somewhat like the Normetanes but much more becoming 1 Lady Well I will go to the Lady her Mother and intreat her to let me go with her to see her Daughter Exeunt Scene 28. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEntleman 'T is said that now the Lady Perfection is incloystered that the Treaty goeth on betwixt the Arch-Prince and the Emperor Enter a Gentleman running as by they stay him 2 Gent. What 's the matter you run so hastily 1 Gent. I am running to give the Arch-Prince notice that his Neece is in labour and is so ill she is like to dy 2 Gent. We will not stay you then Exeunt Scene 29. Enter Mistriss Odd-Humour and her Maid Nan MIstriss Odd-Humour It 's said the Lady Perfection hath entered into a Religious Order she is happy would I were so Nan It is a question whether you would think your self so if you were as she is Mistriss Odd-Humour I think the happiest life is to be a Devote Nan Faith Mistriss you wish to be a Devote not so much out of a devotion as for a change in life as many wish to be marryed out of a desire to alter their course of life and when they are marryed they wish to be unmarried again so would you do if you were a Devote Mistriss Odd-Humour Oh no for though those that are married wish to be unmarried by reason Marriage is the most troublesome unquiet life that is but a Devotes life is the most peaceable and quiet life that is so as there is as much difference in the course of a Married life and an Incloystered life as between Heaven and Hell Nan Then the most part of the World prefers Hell before Heaven for more are Married than are Incloystered Mistriss Odd-Humour Truly by the course of the VVorld and the action of men one would think there would be more Devils in Hell than Saints in Heaven Exeunt Scene 30. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEnt. You hear the news of the Princess delivery and her Death 2 Gent. Yes I heard she died as soon as delivered but she hath left a Son and Heir to her sorrowfull Husband 1 Gent. I do not believe her Husband is much troubled or grieved for her Death as his Father is 2 Gent. Indeed I think the young Lord had no great affections for her 1 Gent. No surely for he loves the Lady he was first married to so well as he could spare no love for any other woman 2 Gent. If that Lady had not entered into a Religious Order he might have remarried her but now he cannot 1 Gent. I believe that if the other Lady had known the Princess should have died so soon she would not have been so Religious as to have Incloystered her self from the VVorld and to ha' bard up her liberty with Vows 2 Gent. 'T is like when she hears of the Princesses Death she will repent the acts of devotion 1 Gent. Then Repentance is not always for acts of evill but sometimes of good 2 Gent. There is Repentance of all sorts and degrees and there are more enter into Religious Orders out of Discontent than for Love to God 1 Gent. That is an uncharitable opinion 2 Gent. Nay 't is not a bare Opinion that may be proved nor uncharitable to speak the truth Exeunt ACT IV. Scene 31. Enter Mistriss Odd-Humour and her Maid Nan MIstriss Odd-Humour Oh Nan I am undone for ever Nan As how Mistriss Mistriss Odd-Humour Why by your neglect and carelessness for your not watching my Fathers coming home to give me notice my Father hath found my Chair for I hearing him come run to hide a-way my Chair he coming and seeing me scuttle about the room imagined I desired to hide something from him for which he searches all my Chamber over at last he went and looked into the Cole-hole where I had flung my Chair and finding it he carried it a-way in one hand and led me a-long in the other hand and causing a fire to be made of the Chair made me stand by to see the Martyrdome whereat I was so afflicted as I lost my fight in tears which tears I let run on the fire hoping to quench it out but they were so brind with grief as they did rather augment the fury of the fire than abate the rage of the flame so that which I thought would have been a preserver did hasten the destruction Nan Faith Mistriss it is none of my fault for your Mother sent me of an errand and whilst I was absent by your Mothers commands it seem'd your Father came home Mistriss Odd-Humour This is an excuse Nan You may believe it 't is no excuse but truth for I that ventured the loss of my Soul by telling a lie to save your Chair would not neglect the watch had not I been commanded away Mistriss Odd-Humour I am of an opinion you were brib'd to betray the life of my Chair and bribes are so powerfull as they corrupt promises and vows even the Soul its self though the Soul makes no use of bribes yet it will venture to be damn'd for a bribes sake Nan Well Mistriss since a mistrust is all my reward you shall tell the next lie your self Mistriss Odd-Humour No prethee Nan let us be friends for I shall never get a Servant that will so readily tell lyes for me as you do wherefore let us shake hands and be friends They shake hands Nan VVell Mistriss let me tell you that my hand and tongue is at your service the one to work the other to lie for your service Mistriss Odd-Humour I thank you Nan for many Servants will lie but few will work Exeunt Scene 32. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEnt. The Lord Melancholy hath such a sober sad Countenance as I never saw any young man have the like 2 Gent. Indeed I never saw him smile in my life 1 Gent. I askt a Gentleman that waits on him whether his Lord did ever smile he said he never saw him smile since he parted from his first Lady 2 Gent. Then he hath not smiled this nine years for so long it is since he parted from his first Lady 1 Gent. If the siege last one year more it will be as long a siege as the siege of Troy 2 Gent. Indeed the causes of either siege resembles each other as both for the love of fair Ladyes I know not whether the effect will prove alike as whether it will be the destruction of his heart as the siege of Troy was the destruction of Troy 1 Gent. But the Lord Melancholy is rather like Hellen than Menelaus for he hath had two wives and the Lady Perfection is as Menelaus for her
Husband is taken away from her as his wife was from him but leaving this siege let us return to our own homes Exeunt Scene 33. Enter the Lord Melancholy as the Grate of the Cloyster of the Lady Perfection then she draws the Curtain before the Grate and appears to him LOrd Melancholy Madam yesterday when you were pleased to speak with me as now through this Grate you were pleas'd to tell me your Vows were so binding as they could not be dissolved wherefore I am not now come to examine or perswade nor to trouble your Devotions or to hinder your Meditations but to take my last leave for I shall never see you more at least not in this VVorld Lady Perfection Are you going to Travel Lord Melancholy I cannot say my body is going a far Journey I know not what my Soul may do Lady Perfection Shall not they go together Lord Melancholy No Death will make a divorce as the Law did betwixt you and I Lady Perfection Are you resolved to dye Lord Melancholy Yes Lady Perfection VVhy so Lord Melancholy To be at rest and peace for know that ever since I was last married my life hath been a Hell my Mind was tortured with thoughts of discontent and though I am releast from what I did dislike my mind is restless still for what it would enjoy this resolution is not new it hath been long considered for since I cannot live with that I love better than life I le try whether the passions of the Soul doe with the Body dye if so Death will be happy because it hath no sense nor feeling Lady Perfection How long have you been resolved of leaving life Lord Melancholy I have pondered of it ever since I was last Married but was not resolved untill you enter'd into this Order Lady Perfection Can I not perswade you to live Lord Melancholy Not unless you break your Vow Lady Perfection That I may not do Lord Melancholy Nor can I perswade you for I love your Constancy Lady Perfection Will you grant me one request before you dy Lord Melancholy Yes any thing but what may hinder my dying Lady Perfection Swear to me you will Lord Melancholy I swear by Heaven and Love I will Lady Perfection Then the time you are resolved to dye come hither and dye here that I may bear you Company dying the same minute if I can that you do Lord Melancholy How Lady Perfection Nay you have sworn it and if it be best for you it will be so for me for when you are dead I shall possess those torments that you in life feel now and if you love me so well as you express you do you will not desire to leave me to endure that you cannot suffer Lord Melancholy 'T is fit you should live to be a President to the World Lady Perfection Were I a President fit for the World to follow yet the World would not practice my precepts it is too bad to follow what is good and since my life cannot better the World and Death will ease my life of that which will trouble and afflict it I am resolv'd to dye And in the grave will bear you Company Lord Melancholy I do accept of thy dear Company Heaven so joyn our Souls they never may be separated and to morrow we will leave the World Lady Perfection Let me advise you concerning the manner of our Deaths get a Sword pointed sharp at both ends and when we are to dye put one end of the Sword through this grate and just when you set your heart to the end towards you I will set mine to the end towards me and thrusting forward as to meet each other the several points will make several passages or wounds into our several or rather our own united hearts and so we dye just together Lord Melancholy I shall follow your advice and be here to morrow at the time Which time will seem to me like as an Age Till that our Souls be fled forth from their Cage Lady Perfection My Soul will fly your Soul to imbrace And after Death may hope a resting place Exeunt ACT V. Scene 34. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEnt. You here the match is concluded betwixt the Emperors Daughter and our Prince 2 Gent. Yes and I hear that the Lord Dorato was a great Instrument to help the match forward 1 Gent. Methinks they should need no other Instrument to forward the match than the Princes interest 2 Gent. 'T is true but the Princes affection being placed upon another Lady it was hard first to draw off those affections and then to place them anew besides the Death of his Neece was some hinderance 1 Gent. All great Princes doe soon cast off all Funeral sadness but the Lord Dorato methinks takes the Death of his Daughter to heart 2 Gent. 'T is a doubt whether he will continue in such great favour with the Prince now his Neece is dead 1 Gent. There is no likelyhood he should be in less favour since the Princess Death for it was the favour he had with the Princess that caused the match with his Son besides he hath left a Son which the Prince no doubt will favour the Grandfather the more for the Childes sake 2 Gent. I wonder whether the Lord Melancholy the Princesses Husband will marry again for he had ill fortune with his Wives 1 Gent. Methinks he hath had good Fortune for the Laws have quitted him of one and Death of the other but that Husband hath ill fortune that neither Law nor Death will free him from Exeunt Scene 35. Enter the Lord Melancholy at the Grate the Curtains open and appears the Lady Perfection he takes the Sword out of the sheath LOrd Melancholy Sweet here 's that will quit us of all trouble Lady Perfection Indeed life is a trouble and nothing is at rest but what lyes in the grave Lord Melancholy Are you not affraid of the sight of a murthering Sword Lady Perfection No more than you are affraid of the sight of the glorious Sun Lord Melancholy You seem to have a courage above you Sex Lady Perfection My love is above Life as far as my Courage is beyond Fear I neither fear Death nor consider Life but can imbrace the one and fling away the other for Loves sake Lord Melancholy Then dear Wife for so you are my heart did never own another I wish our breaths and bloods might intermix together and as Deaths Ceremonies might joyn our Souls Whilst he speaks he puts one end of the Sword through the Grate she takes hold of it Lady Perfection They 'r joyned already by love and Death's sufficient to bring them both together and our bloods 't is like will run in trickling streams upon this Sword to meet and intermix Whilst he holds the Sword in one hand he unbuttons his Doublet with the other hand so she unties her Cord about her Gown Lord Melancholy These Buttons are like troublesome guests at
of the same fault but we have this advantage of men which is that we know this imperfection in our selves although we do not indeavour to mend it but men are so Partial to themselves as not to perceive this imperfection in themselves and so they cannot mend it but in this will not or cannot is as one but this discourse hath brought me to this that if I have spoke at any time to any person or persons impertinently improperly untimely or tediously I ask their pardon but lest I should be impertinently tedious in this Epistle and so commit a fault in asking pardon I leave my Readers to what may be more pleasing to them M. N. TO THE READERS NOBLE READERS I Make no question but my Playes will be censured and those Censurors severe but I hope not malicious but they will perchance say that my Playes are too serious by reason there is no rediculous Iest in them nor wanton Love nor Impossibilities also 't is likely they will say that there are no plots nor designs nor subtil Contrivances and the like I answer that the chief Plots of my Playes were to imploy my idle time the designs to please and entertain my Readers and the contrivance was to join edifying Profit and Delight together that my Readers may neither lose their time nor grow weary in the reading but if they find my Playes neither Edifying nor Delightfull I shall be sorry but if they find either I shall be pleased and if they find both I shall much rejoyce that my time hath been imployed to some good use M. N. TO THE READERS WORTHY READERS I Have heard that such Poets that write Playes seldome or never join or sow the several Scenes together they are two several Professions at least not usual for rare Poets to take that pains like as great Taylors the Master only cuts out and shapes and his Iourny-men and Apprentices join and sow them together but I like as a poor Taylor was forced to do all my self as to cut out shape join and sow each several Scene together without any help or direction wherefore I fear they are not so well done but that there will be many faults found but howsoever I did my best indeavour and took great pains in the ordering and joining thereof for which I hope my Learned Readers will pardon the errors therein and excuse me the worker thereof M. N. TO THE READERS NOBLE READERS MY Lord was pleased to illustrate my Playes with some Scenes of his own Wit to which I have set his name that my Readers may know which are his as not to couzen them in thinking they are mine also Songs to which my Lords name is set for I being no Lyrick Poet my Lord supplied that defect of my Brain with the superfluity of his own Brain thus our Wits join as in Matrimony my Lords the Masculine mine the Feminine Wit which is no small glory to me that we are Married Souls Bodies and Brains which is a treble marriage united in one Love which I hope is not in the power of Death to dissolve for Souls may love and Wit may live though Bodies dye M. N. I Must trouble my Noble Readers to write of one thing more which is concerning the Reading of Playes for Playes must be read to the nature of those several humours or passions as are exprest by Writing for they must not read a Scene as they would read a Chapter for Scenes must be read as if they were spoke or Acted Indeed Comedies should be read a Mimick way and the sound of their Voice must be according to the sense of the Scene and as for Tragedies or Tragick Scenes they must not be read in a pueling whining Voice but a sad serious Voice as deploring or complaining but the truth is there are as few good Readers as good Writers indeed an ill Reader is as great a disadvantage to wit as wit can have unless it be ill Acted for then it 't is doubly disgraced both in the Voice and Action whereas in Reading only the voice is imployed but when as a Play is well and skillfully read the very sound of the Voice that enters through the Ears doth present the Actions to the Eyes of the Fancy as lively as if it were really Acted but howsoever Writings must take their Chance and I leave my Playes to Chance and Fortune as well as to Censure and Reading M. N. To the Lady Marchioness of Newcastle upon her Playes TErence and Plautus Wits we now do scorn Their Comick Socks worn out in pieces torn Only their rags of Wit remain as toyes For Pedants to admire to teach School Boyes It is not time hath wasted all their Fame But your high Phancies and your nobler flame Which burnt theirs up in their own ashes lies Nor Phoenix like e'r out of those will rise Old Tragick Buskins now are thrown away When we read your each Passion in each Play No stupid block or stony heart forbears To drown their Cheeks in Seas of salter Tears Such power you have in Tragick Comick stile When for to fetch a tear or make a smile Still at your pleasure all our passions ly Obedient to your pen to laugh or cry So even with the thread of Natures fashion As you play on her heart-strings still of passion So we are all your Subjects in each Play Unwilling willingly still to obey Or have a thought but what you make or draw Us by the power of your wits great law Thus Emperess in Soveraign power yours fits Over the wise and tames Poetick wits W. Newcastle A General Prologue to all my Playes NOBLE Spectators do not think to see Such Playes that 's like Ben Johnsons Alchymie Nor Fox nor Silent Woman for those Playes Did Crown the Author with exceeding praise They were his Master-pieces and were wrought By wits Invention and his labouring thought And his Experience brought Materials store His reading several Authors brought much more What length of time he took those Plays to write I cannot guess not knowing his Wits flight But I have heard Ben Johnsons Playes came forth To the Worlds view as things of a great worth Like Forein Emperors which do appear Unto their Subjects not 'bove once a year So did Ben Johnsons Playes so rarely pass As one might think they long a writing was But my poor Playes like to a common rout Gathers in throngs and heedlesly runs out Like witless Fools or like to Girls and Boyes Goe out to shew new Clothes or such like toyes This shews my Playes have not such store of wit Nor subtil plots they were so quickly writ So quickly writ that I did almost cry For want of work my time for to imploy Sometime for want of work I 'm forc'd to play And idlely to cast my time away Like as poor Labourers all they desire Is to have so much work it might them tire Such difference betwixt each several brain Some labour hard and
a Non-pluss they would be glad to be quit of each other yet are ashamed to part so soon and are weary to stay with each other long when a Play entertaines them with Love and requires not their answers nor forceth their braines nor pumps their wits for a Play doth rather fill them than empty them 2. Gentleman Faith most Playes doth rather fill the spectators with wind than with substance with noise than with newes 1. Gentleman This Play that I would have you go to is a new Play 2. Gentleman But is there newes in the Play that is is there new wit fancyes or new Scenes and not taken our of old storyes or old Playes newly translated 1. Gentleman I know not that but this Play was writ by a Lady who on my Conscience hath neither Language nor Learning but what is native and naturall 2. Gentleman A woman write a Play Out upon it out upon it for it cannot be good besides you say she is a Lady which is the likelyer to make the Play worse a woman and a Lady to write a Play fye fye 3. Gentleman Why may not a Lady write a good Play 2. Gentleman No for a womans wit is too weak and too conceived to write a Play 1. Gentleman But if a woman hath wit or can write a good Play what will you say then 2. Gentleman Why I will say no body will believe it for if it be good they will think she did not write it or at least say she did not besides the very being a woman condemnes it were it never so excellent and care for men will not allow women to have wit or we men to have reason for if we allow them wit we shall lose our prehemency 1. Gentleman If you will not goe Tom farewell for I will go set this Play let it be good or bad 2. Gentleman Nay stay I will go with thee for I am contented to cast away so much time for the sake of the sex Although I have no saith of the Authoresses wit 3. Gentleman Many a reprobate hath been converted and brought to repentance by hearing a good Sermon and who knowes but that you may be converted from your erroneous opinion by seeing this Play and brought to confesse that a Lady may have wit Loves Adventures Play The Lord Fatherly The Lord Singularity His Sonne Sir Serious Dumbe Sir Timothy Complement Sir Humphry Bolde Sir Roger Exception Sir Peaceable Studious Foster Trusty The Lady Orphant The Lady Ignorant wife to Sir Peaceable Studious The Lady Bashfull The Lady Wagtaile The Lady Amorous Mrs. Acquaintance Nurse Fondly Foster Trusties wife Lady Orphans Nurse Mrs. Reformers woman to the Lady Bashfull Two Chamber-Maydes Prologue NOble Spectators you are come to see A Play if good perchance may clapped be And yet our Authoresse sayes that she hath heard Some playes though good hath not been so preferr'd As to be mounted up on high raised praise And to be Crown'd with Garlands of fresh hayes But the contrary have been hissed off Out from our Stage with many a censuring scoff But afterwards there understanding cleer'd They gave the praise what they before had jeer'd The same she sayes may to her Play befall And your erroneous censures may recall But all such Playes as take not at first sight But afterwards the viewers takes delight It seemes there is more wit in such a Play Than can be understood in one whole day If for she is well content for her wits sake From ignorance repulses for to take For she had rather want those understanding braines Than that her Play should want wits flowing veynes ACT I. Scene 1. Enter the Lord Fatherly and the Lord Singularity his Son LOrd Singularity Pray Sir do not force me to marry a childe before you know whether she will prove vertuous or discreet when for the want of that knowledge you may indanger the honour of your Line and Posterity with Cuckoldry and Bastardry Lord Fatherly Son you must leave that to fortune Lord Singularity A wise man Sir is to be the maker or spoiler of his own fortune Lord Fatherly Let me tell you Son the wisest man that is or ever was may be deceived in the choosing a wife for a woman is more obscure than nature her self therefore you must trust to chance for marriage is a Lottery if you get a prize you may live quietly and happily Lord Singularity But if I light of a blank as a hundred to one nay a thousand to one but I shall which is on a Fool or a Whore her Follies or Adulteries instead of a praise will found out my disgrace Lord Fatherly Come Come she is Rich she is Rich Lord Singularity Why Sir guilded I Horns are most visible Lord Fatherly 'T is better Son to have a rich whore than a poor whore but I hope Heaven hath made her Chast and her Father being an honourable honest and wise man will breed her vertuously and I make no question but you will be happy with her Lord Singularity But Sir pray consider the inequality of our ages she being but a Child and I at mans Estate by that time she is ready for the marriage bed I shall be ready for the grave and youths sharp appetites will never rellish Age wherefore she will seek to please her pallat else where Lord Fatherly Let me tell you Son should you marry a woman that were as many years older than she is younger than you it were a greater hazard for first old women are more intemperate than young and being older than the husband they are apt to be jealouse and being jealouse they grow malitious and malice seeks revenge and revenge disgrace therefore she would Cuckold you meerly to disgrace you Lord Singularity On the other side those Women that are marryed young Cuckholds there Husbands fames dishonouring them by their ignorant follyes and Childish indiscretions as much as with Adultery And I should assoon choose to be a Cuckhold as to be thought to be one For my honour will suffer as much by the one as the other if not more Lord Fatherly Heaven blesse the Sonne from jealousy for thou art horrible afraid of being a Cuckold Lord Singularity Can you blame me Sir since to be a Cuckhold is to be despised scorned laught and pointed at as a Monster worse than nature ever made and all the Honour that my birth gave me and my education indued me my vertue gained me my industry got me fortune bestowed on me and fame inthron'd me for may not only be lost by my wifes Adultery but as I said by her indiscretion which makes me wonder how any man that hath a Noble Soul dares marry since all his honour lyes or lives in the light heels of his wife which every little passion is apt to kick away wherefore good Sir let me live a single life Lord Fatherly How Son would you have me consent to extinguish the light of my Name and to pull out the root
passions indangers it most Affectionata Anger malice and despair Lord Singularity Were you never angry Affectionata I am of too melancholly a nature to be very angry Lord Singularity Why are melancholly persons never angry Affectionata Very seldom my Lord for those that are naturally melancholly doth rather grieve than fret they sooner wast into sighes than fly about with fury more tears flows thorough their eyes than words pass thorough their lips Lord Singularity Why should you be melancholly Affectionata Alas nature hath made me so Besides I find there is not much reason to joy for what we love perchance it loves not us and if it doth we cannot keep it long for pleasures passeth like a dream when pains doth stay as if eternal were Lord Singularity Thou art composed with such harmonie as thy discourse is as delightfull musick wherein the soul takes pleasure Exeunt Scene 26. Enter the Lady Bashfull Sir Serious Dumb following her where Reformer her Woman meets them REformer Madam now the Gentleman is here you must use him civilly and not strive to run away from him wherefore pray turn and entertain him The Lady Bashfull turns to him but is so out of countenance and trembles so much as she cannot speak but stands still and mute All the while he fixes his eyes upon her Reformer Pray speak to him Madam and not stand trembling as if you were like to fall Lady Bashfull My spirits is seized on by my bashfull and innocent fears insomuch as they have not strength to support my body without trembling Reformer Sweet Madam try not speak to him Lady Bashfull Honourable Sir give me leave to tell you that my bashfullness doth smother the senses and reason in my brain and chokes the words in my throat I should utter but pray do not think it proceeds from crimes but an imperfection of nature which I have strove against but cannot as yet rectifie Sir Serious Dumb Civily bows to her and then gives Reformer his Table-book to read She reads Madam He hath writ here that had his tongue liberty to speak all that he could say would be so far below and inferiour to what might be said in your praise as he should not adventure to presume to speak Lady Bashfull I will presume to break my brain but I will invent some ways to be rid of his company He follows her Exeunt ACT. V. Scene 27. Enter the General and sits in a melancholly posture Enters Affectionata and stands with a sad countenance The General sees him LOrd Singularity What makes thee look so sad my boy Affectionata To see you sit so melancholly Lord Singul. Clear up thy countenance for it s not a deadly melancholly though it is a troublesome one Affectionata May I be so bold to ask the cause of it Lord Singul. The cause is a cruel Mistriss Affectionata Have you a Mistriss and can she be cruel Lord Singularity O! Women are Tyrants they daw us on to love and then denies our suits Affectionata Will not you think me rude If I should question you Lord Singul. No for thy questions delights me more than my Mistriss denials grieves me Affectionata Then give me leave to ask you whether your suit be just Lord Singul. Just to a Lovers desires Affectionata What is your desire Lord Singul. To lye with her Affectionata After you have married her Lord Singularity Marry her saist thou I had rather be banish'd from that Sex for ever than marry one and yet I love them well Affectionata Why have you such an adversion to marriage being lawfull and honest Lord Singul. Because I am affraid to be a Cuckold Affectionata Do you think there is no chaste women Lord Singularity Faith boy I believe very few and those that are men knows not where to find them out for all that are not married professes chastity speaks soberly and looks modestly but when they are marryed they are more wild than Bachalins far worse than Satyres making their Husbands horns far greater than a Stags having more branches sprouts thereon Affectionata And doth he never cast those horns Lord Singul. Yes if he be a Widower he casts his horns only the marks remains otherwise he bears them to his grave Affectionata But put the case you did know a woman that was chaste would not you marry her Lord Singul. That is a question not to be resolved for no man can be resolved whether a woman can be chaste or not Affectionata fetches a greater sighe Lord Singul. Why do you sighe my boy Affectionata Because all women are false or thought to be so that wise men dares not trust them Lord Singularity But they are fools that will not try and make use of them if they can have them wherefore I will go and try my Mistriss once again Exeunt Scene 28. Enter the Lady Ignorance and her Maid She hears a noise LAdy Ignorance What a noise they make below they will disturb my Husbands study go and tell those of my Servants that I will turn them away for their carelesness as that they cannot place set or hold things sure but let them fall to maké such a noise Maid I shall maid Ex. Lady Ignorance It shall be my study how to order my house without noise wherefore all my Servants shall be dumb although not deaf and I will take none but such as have corns on their feet that they may tread gently and all my Houshold-vessel shall be of wood for wood makes not such a noise when it chance to fall or is hit against a wall as metal doth which rings like bells when it is but touched neither will I have Houshold-vessels of Earth for earthen-pots pans and the like when they fall and break sounds as if a stonewall fell Ex. Scene 29. Enter the General and three or four Commanders GEneral On my soul Gentlemen the boy is an honest boy and no wayes guilty of this you tax him for Commanders Pardon us my Lord for giving your Excellence notice that the States are jealouse of him for a Spie but we do not any wayes accuse him General Will the States examine him say you Commanders So we hear my Lord General Well Gentlemen pray leave me for this time and I will take care the boy shall be forth-coming whensoever the State shall require him Commanders Your Lordships humble Servants Commanders Ex. The General solus General A Spie it cannot be for he is neither covetous nor malicious revengefull nor irreligious but I will try him Exit Scene 30. Enter the Lady Bashfulls Chamber-maid and Mrs. Reformer her Gentlewoman CHamber-maid Mrs. Reformer pray tell me who that handsome Gentleman is which follows my Lady about Reformer He is one that is Noble and Rich and is in love with my Lady Chamber-maid Truly it is the strangest way of wooing that ever was for my Lady goeth blushing out of one room into another and he follows her at the heels In my conscience my Lady is ashamed to
sit down or to bid him leave her company and surely they must needs be both very weary of walking but sure he will leave her when it is time to go to bed Reformer It is to be hoped he will Enter the Lady Bashfull and Sir Serious Dumb following her Reformer Madam you will tire your self and the Gentleman with walking about your house wherefore pray sit down Lady Bashfull What! To have him gaze upon my face Reformer Why your face is a handsome face and the owner of it is honest wherefore you need not be ashamed but pray rest your self Lady Bashfull Pray perswade him to leave me and then I will Reformer Sir my Lady intreats you to leave her to her self Sir Serious Dumb writes then and gives Reformer his Table-book to read Reformer He writes he cannot leave you for if his body should depart his soul will remain still with you Lady Bashfull That will not put me out of countenance because I shall not be sensible of its presence wherefore I am content he should leave his soul so that he will take his body away He writes and gives Reformer the Book Reformer reads He writes that if you will give him leave once a day to see you that he will depart and that he will not disturb your thoughts he will only wait upon your person for the time he lives he cannot keep himself long from you Lady Bashfull But I would be alone Reformer But if he will follow you you must indure that with patience you cannot avoid Sir Serious Dumb goeth to the Lady Bashfull and kisseth her hand and Ex. Reformer You see he is so civil as he is unwilling to displease you Lady Bashfull Rather than I will be troubled thus I will go to some other parts of the World Reformer In my conscience Madam he will follow you wheresoever you go Lady Bashfull But I will have him shut out of my house Reformer Then he will lye at your gates and so all the Town will take notice of it Lady Bashfull Why so they will howsoever by his often visits Reformer But not so publick Exeunt Scene 31. Enter the General and Affectionata Lord Singularity Affectionata Thou must carry a Letter from me to my Mistriss Affectionata You will not marry her you say Lord Singul. No Affectionata Then pardon me my Lord for though I would assist your honest love by any service I can do yet I shall never be so base an Instrument as to produce a crime Lord Singul. Come come thou shalt carry it and I will give thee 500. pounds for thy service Affectionata Excuse me my Lord Lord Singularity I will give thee a thousand pounds Affectionata I shall not take it my Lord Lord Singul. I will give thee five thousand nay ten thousand pounds Affectionata I am not covetous my Lord Lord Singularity I will make thee Master of my whole Estate for without the assistance I cannot injoy my Mistriss by reason she will trust none with our Loves but thee Affectionata Could you make me Master of the whole World it could not tempt me to do an action base for though I am poor I am honest and so honest as I cannot be corrupted or bribed there-from Lord Singularity You said you loved me Affectionata Heaven knows I do above my life and would do you any service that honour did allow of Lord Singularity You are more scrupulous than wise Affectionata There is an old saying my Lord that to be wise is to be honest Exeunt Scene 32. Enter Sir Peaceable Studious and meets his Ladies maid Sir P. Studious Where is your Lady Maid In her Chamber Sir Sir P. Studious Pray her to come to me Maid Yes Sir Sir P. Studious Exit Enter another Maid to the first 1. Maid Lord Lord What a creature my Master is become since he fell into his musing again he looks like a melancholy Ghost that walks in the shades of Moon-shine or if there be no Ghost such as we fancie just such a one seems her when a week since he was as fine a Gentleman as one should see amongst a thousand 2. Maid That was because he kiss'd you Nan 1. Maid Faith it was but a dull clownish part to meet a Maid that is not ill-favoured and not make much of her who perchance have watch'd to meet him for which he might have clap'd her on the cheek or have chuck'd her under the chin or have kiss'd her but to do or say nothing but bid me call my Lady was such a churlish part Besides it seemed neither manly gallantly nor civilly 2. Maid But it shewed him temperate and wise not minding such frivilous and troublesome creatures as women are 1. Maid Prithy it shews him to be a miserable proud dull fool 2. Maid Peace some body will hear you and then you will be turn'd away 1. Maid I care not for it they will not turn me away I will turn my self away and seek another service for I hate to live in the house with a Stoick Scene 33. Enter the General and Affectionata AFfectionata By your face Sir there seems a trouble in your mind and I am restless until I know your griefs Lord Singularity It is a secret I dare not trust the aire with Affectionata I shall be more secret than the aire for the aire is apt to divulge by retorting Echoes back but I shall be as silent as the Grave Lord Singul. But you may be tortured to confess the truth Affectionata But I will not confess the truth if the confession may any wayes hurt or disadvantage you for though I will not belye truth by speaking falsely yet I will conceal a truth rather than betray a friend Especially my Lord and Master But howsoever since your trouble is of such concern I shall not with to know it for though I dare trust my self yet perchance you dare not trust me but if my honest fidelity can serve you any wayes you may imploy it and if it be to keep a secret all the torment that nature hath made or art invented shall never draw it from me Lord Singul. Then let me tell thee that to conceal it would damn thy soul Affectionata Heaven bless me But sure my Lord you cannot be guilty of such sins that those that doth but barely hear or know them shall be damned Lord Singul, But to conceal them is to be an Actor Affectionata For Heaven sake then keep them close from me if either they be base or wicked for though love prompt me to inquire hoping to give you ease in bearing part of the burthen yet Heaven knows I thought my love so honourable placed on such a worthy person and guiltless soul as I might love and serve without a scandal or a deadly sin Lord Singularity Come you shall know it Affectionata I 'l rather stop my ears with death Lord Singul. Go thou art a false boy Affectionata How false a boy howsoever you think me I have an
honest soul and heart that is ready to serve you in any honest way but since I am deceived and couzened into love by false reports finding the best of man-kind basely wicked and all the World so bad that praise nothing good and strives to poyson vertue I will inancor my self and live on Antidotes of prayers for fear of the infection Lord Singul. And I will not you pray for me Affectionata I cannot chose my Lord for gratitude inforces me First because I have loved you next because I have served you and give me leave to kiss your hand and then there drop some tears at my departure Weeping kneels down and kisses her hand Lord Singularity Rise you must not go away until you have cleared your self from being a spie Affectionata I fear no accusations Exeunt FINIS THE SECOND PART OF LOVES ADVENTURES THe Lord Singularity Sir Serious Dumb Sir Timothy Compliment Sir Humphry Bold Sir Roger Exception Sir Peaceable Studious Foster Trusty Collonels Captains Lieutenants and Corporals Petitioners Officers Messengers Iudges Iuries Servants The Lady Orphant Lady Bashfull Lady Ignorance Lady Wagtail Lady Amorous Nurse Fondly Mistriss Reformer Lady Bashfulls woman Chamber-maids EPILOGUE NOble Spectators you have spent this day Not only for to see but judge our Play Our Authoress sayes she thinks her Play is good If that her Play be rightly understood If not 't is none of her fault for she writ The Acts the Scenes the Language and the Wit Wherefore she sayes that she is not your Debtor But you are hers until you write a better Of even terms to be she understands Impossible except you clap your hands THE SECOND PART ACT I. Scene 1. Enter the Lady Bashfulls Chamber-maid and Mrs. Reformer her woman REformer This dumb Lower is the most diligent'st servant that ever was and methinks my Lady is somewhat more confident than she was for she will sit and read whilst he sits by Maid Doth she read to him Reformer No she reads to herself Maid There comes abundance of Gallants to visit my Lady every day and they have all one answer that is she is not willing to receive visits and they all go civilly away unless Sir Humphry Bold and he rails horribly Reformer I have received from several Gentlemen above 20. Letters a day and as fast as they come she makes me burn them Maid But she reads them first Reformer No I read them to her Maid And doth she answer all those Letters Reformer She never answered one in her life and I dare swear she never will The Lady Bashfull calls as within another Room Reformer Madam Exeunt Scene 2. Enter the Lord Singularity and Affectionata Lord Singularity Affectionata Hast thou forgiven me my fault of doubting of thy vertue so much as to put it to a Tryal Affectionata My Noble Lord have you forgiven my facility and wavering faith that could so easily and in so short a time believe you could be wicked although you did accuse your self Lord Singularity Nay Affectionata I did not accuse my self though I did try thee Affectionata Then I have committed a treble fault through my mistake which requires a treble forgiveness Lord Singularity Thou art so vertuous thou canst not commit a fault and therefore needs no forgiveness Exeunt Scene 3. Enter the Lady VVagtail and Sir Humphry Bold SIr Humpry Bold Madam You have been pleased to profess a friendship to me and I shall desire you will do a friendly part for me Lady Wagtail Any thing that lyes in my power good Sir Humphry Bold Sir Humphry Bold Then pray Madam speak to the Lady Bashfull in my behalf that I may be her Husband Lady Wagtail I will Sir Humphry but she is bashfull yet I was there Yesterday and she entertained me indifferently well but seemed to be wonderfull coy but howsoever I will do my poor indeavour Sir Humphry Sir Humphry Bold Pray do Madam Exeunt Scene 4. Enter Affectionata walking in a melancholly posture his Hat pulled over his brows and his arms inter-folded To him enters the Lord Singularity LOrd Singularity My Affectionata Why walks thou so melancholly He pulls of his Hat to his Lord and Bows Affectionata The cause is not that I lye under an aspersion by reason I lye not under a crime But truly my Lord I am troubled that I am threatened to be tormented for I would not willingly indure pain though I could willingly receive death but as for the aspersions I am no wayes concerned for I make no question but my honest life my just actions and the truth of my words will so clear me at the last as I shall appear as innocent to the World as Angels doth in Heaven Lord Singularity Comfort your self for I will rather suffer death than you shall suffer pain Affectionata Heaven defend you my Lord whatsoever I suffer Ex. Scene 5. Enter the Lady VVagtail and Mistriss Reformer LAdy Wagtail Pray Mistriss Reformer be Sir Humphry Bold's friend to thy Lady and I protest to thee he shall be thy friend as long as he and you live and I do not see any reason your Lady should refuse him for he is both as proper and stout a man as any is living this day in the Land Reformer Indeed Madam I dare not mention it to my Lady for she is so adverse against marriage as she takes those for her enemies as doth but mention it Lady Wagtail Then surely she is not a woman for there is none of the effeminate Sex but takes it for a disgrace to live an old maid and rather than dye one they will marry any man that will have them and the very fear of not marrying is so terrible to them as whilst they are so young as they are not fit to make wives they will miserably cast away themselves to the first that makes a proffer although they be poor base or mean rather than venture to try out their fortunes Reformer But my Lady is not of that humour Lady Wagtail Come come I know thou canst perswade thy Lady if thou wouldst and if you will Sir Humphry Bold will give thee 500 l. to buy thee a Husband for thou hast lived too long a maid I faith Reformer I am not a maid Madam I am a widow Lady Wagtail What a musty widow Reformer I know not whether I am musty but I am a widow Lady Wagtail Let mee tell thee that it is as great a disgrace to live a widow as an old maid wherefore take thee 500 l. to get thee a second Husband Reformer Truly I would not sell my Lady for all the World much less for 500 l. neither would I marry again if I were young and might have my choyce Lady Wagtail Lord bless me and send me out of this house least it should infect me for let me tell thee were my Husband dead to morrow I would marry the day after his Funeral if I could get any man to marry me and so I would serve 20. Husbands
Come fellow-souldiers are you ready to march 2. Commander Whether 1. Commander Into our own native Country for our General is sent sol home 3. Commander Except there be wars in our own Country we cannot go with him 1. Commander I know not whether there be wars or peace but he obeys for he is preparing for his journey 2. Commander Who shall be General when he is gone 3. Commander I know not but I hear the States offers to make our young Lieutenant-General General but he refuseth it 2. Commander Would they would make me General 3. Commander If thou wert General thou wouldst put all method out of order 1. Commander Faith Gentlemen I would lead you most prudently and give you leave to plunder most unanimously 1. Commander And we would fight couragiously to keep what we plunder 2. Commander Come let us go and inquire how our affairs goeth Exeunt Scene 22. Enter the Lord Singularity and Affectionata LOrd Singularity Now Affectionata we have taken our leave of the States I hope thy mind is at peace and freed from fears of being staid Affectionata Yes my my Lord Lord Singularity They did perswade thee much to stay Affectionata They seemed much troubled for your Lordships departure Lord Singularity Truly I will say thus much for my self that I have done them good service and I must say thus much for them that they have rewarded me well Affectionata I have heard my Lord that States seldom rewards a service done wherefore I believe they hope you will return again and sees you for that end Lord Singularity I shall not be unwilling when my Country hath no imployment for me Affectionata Methinks my Lord since you have gotten a fame abroad you should desire to live a setled life at home Lord Singularity A setled life would seem but dull to me that hath no wife nor children Affectionata You may have both If you please my Lord Lord Singularity For children I desire none since I have thee and wives I care not for but what are other mens Enter a Messenger with a Letter to the Lord Singularity Lord Singularity From whence comest thou friend Messenger From Rome my Lord Lord Singularity If you please to stay in the next room I shall speak to you presently Messenger Exit The Lord Singularity breaks up the Letter and reads Lord Singularity Affectionata From whence do you think this Letter comes Affectionata I cannot guess my Lord Lord Singularity From the Pope who hath heard so much of thy youth vertue wit and courage as he desires me to pass thorough Rome im my journey home that he might see thee Affectionata Pray Heaven his Holynesse doth not put me into a Monastery and force me to stay behind you Lord Singularity If he should I will take the habit and be incloistered with thee but he will not inforce a youth that hath no will thereto Affectionata Truly my Lord I have no will to be a Fryer Lord Singularity Indeed it is somewhat too lazie a life which all heroick Spirits shames for those loves liberty and action But I will go and dispatch this Messenger and to morrow we will begin our journey Exeunt Scene 23. Enter the Lady Wagtail and the Lady Amorous LAdy Wagtail Faith Amorous it had been a victory indeed worth the bragging off if we could have taken Sir Peaceable Studious Loves prisoner and could have infettered him in Cupid's bonds Lady Amorous It had been a victory indeed for I will undertake to inslave five Courtiers and ten Souldiers sooner and in less time than one studious Scholar Lady Wagtail But some Scholars are more easily taken than the luxurious Courtiers or deboist Souldiers Lady Amorous O no! for Luxurie and Rapine begets lively Spirits but a study quenches them out Lady Wagtail One would think so by Sir Peaceable Studious but not by some other Scholars that I am acquainted with Lady Amorous But confess Lady Wagtail do not you find a studious Scholar dull company in respect of a vain Courtier and a rough Souldier Lady Wagtail I must confess they that study Philosophy are little too much inclined to morality but those that study Theologie are not so restringent Lady Amorous Well for my part since I have been acquainted with Sir Peaceable Studious I hate all Scholars Exeunt Scene 24. Enter three Men as the Inhabitants of Rome 1. T Is a wonder such a youth as the Lord Singularity's Son is should have so great a wit as to be able to dispute with so many Cardinals 2. Man The greater wonder is that he should have the better of them 1. Man 'T is said the Pope doth admire him and is extreamly taken with him 2. Man If Iove had so much admired him he would have made him his Ganimed 1. Man He offered to make him a living Saint but he thanked his Holyness and said he might Saint him but not make him holy enough to be a Saint for said he I am unfit to have Prayers offered to me that cannot offer Prayers as I ought or live as I should then he offered him a Cardinals hat but he refused it saying he was neither wise enough nor old enough for to accept of it for said he I want Ulisses head and Nestors years to be a Cardinal for though less devotion will serve a Cardinal than a Saint yet politick wisdom is required 3. Man Pray Neighbours tell me which way and by what means I may see this wonderfull youth for I have been out of the Town and not heard of him 2. Man You cannot see him now unless you will follow him where he is gone 1. Man Why whether is he gone 2. Man Into his own Country and hath been gone above this week 3. Man Nay I cannot follow him thither Exeunt Scene 25. Enter the Lord Singularity and Affectionata as being in the Country Lord Singularity Affectionata you have promised me to be ruled by me in every thing so that you may not part from me Affectionata I have my Lord and will obey all your commands so far as I am able Lord Singularity Then I am resolved now I am returned into my own Country to get thee a wife that thy fame and worthy acts may live in thy Posterity Affectionata Iove bless me a wife by Heaven my Lord I am not man enough to marry Lord Singul. There is many as young as you that have been Fathers and have had children Affectionata If they were such as I am they might father Children but never get them Lord Singularity Thou art modest Affectionata but I will have you marry and I will chose thee such a wife as modest as thy self Affectionata Then we never shall have children Sir Lord Singul. Love and acquaintance will give you confidence but tell me truly Affectionata didst thou never court a Mistriss Affectionata No truly Sir Lord Singularity Well I will have you practice Courtship and though I will not directly be your Band or Pimp yet I
grieve for your Father since he dyed in the defence of his King and Country Virtue T is true and I glory in his valiant loyal Actions yet I cannot choose but mourn for the losse of his life and weepe upon his death Governess Methinks the greatest cause you have to weep is for the loss of your Estate which the Enemy hath seized on and you left only to live on Charity Poor Virtue I cannot mourn for any thing that is in Fortunes power to take away Governess Why Fortune hath power on all things in the World Poor Virtue O no she hath power on nothing but base dross and outward forms things moveable but she hath neither power on honest hearts nor noble Souls for 't is the Gods infuse grace and virtue nor hath she power or Reason or Understanding for Nature creates and disposes those nor doth she govern Wisdome for Wisdome governs her nor hath she power on Life and Death they are decreed by Heaven Governess And will you weep at Heavens decree Poor Virtue The Heavens decrees hinder not humanity nor natural affection Governess Well ever since your Mother dyed I have governed your Fathers House and pleased him well but since he is kill'd and that there is nothing for me to govern I will take my leave of you and seek another place and I hope fortune will favour me so as to direct me to some Widdower or old Batchelour which desires a comely huswifly woman to order their private affairs Poor Virtue I wish you all happiness and if I were in a condition I would make you a present Exeunt Scene 3. Enter two Gentlemen 1. GEntleman Sir My Lord is so busy since his Fathers Death with Stewards Atturnies and such like about ordering his Estate as I am loath to disturb him but as soon as he hath done speaking to them I will wait upon you to my Lord 2. Gentleman Sir I shall wait my Lords leasure Enter the Lady Ward and Nurse Careful they pass over the Stage 2. Gent. Sir what pretty young Lady is that which passes by 1. Gent. She is a great Heiress and was Ward to my old Lord and he upon his Death-bed charged his Son my young Lord to marry her 2. Gent. Surely small perswasions might serve turn for her Virtue is Rhetorick enough to perswade nay to force affection 1. Gent. Yet my Lord is discontented he would rather choose for himself than that his Father should have chosen for him for it is the Nature of Mankind to reject that which is offered though never so good and to prize that they cannot get although not worth the having 2. Gent. Of what Quality of Birth and Nature and disposition is she of 1. Gent. She is Honourably Born and seems to be of a sweet disposition but of a Melancholy Nature Enter a Servant Servant Sir my Lord desires the Gentleman would be pleased to walk in Exeunt ACT II. Scene 4. Enter the Lady Contemplation and Sir Humphrey Interruption INterruption Lady what makes you so silently sad Contemplation Pardon me Sir I am not sad at this time for my thoughts are merry and my spirits lively Interrupt. There is no appearance of mirth in you for mirth hath alwayes a dancing heel a singing voyce a talking tongue and a laughing face Contempl. I have such merry Companions sometimes but I seldome dance sing talk or laugh my self Interrupt. Where are those Companions I desire to be acquainted with them and keep them Company Contempl. You cannot keep them Company for the place they inhabit in is too little for your Corporal body to enter besides they are so curious choyce and nice Creatures as they will vanish at the very sight of you Interrupt. Why Lady I am none of the biggest sized Men nor am I of a terrible aspect I have seen very fine and delicate Creatures Contempl. But you never saw any of these Creatures Interrupt. Pray where do they dwell and what are their Names I long to visit them Contempl. They dwell in my head and their Sirnames are called thoughts but how you will visit them I cannot tell but they may visit you Interrupt. Faith Lady your relation hath made me despair of an enterview but not a friendly entertainment if you please to think well of me Contempl. Thoughts are free and for the most part they censure according to fancy Interrupt. Then fancy me such a one as you could like best and love most Contempl. That I cannot doe for I love those best which I create my self and Nature hath taught me to prize whatsoever is my own most although of smaller valew than what 's anothers although of greater worth Interrupt. Then make me yours by creating me anew Contempl. That is past my skill but if you will leave me alone I will think of you when you are gone for I had rather of the two entertain you in my thoughts than keep you Company in discourse for I am better pleased with a solitary silence or a silent solitariness than with a talking conversation or an entertaining talking for words for the most part are rather useless spent than profitably spoke and time is lost in listning to them for few tongues make Musick wanting the Cords of Sense or sound of Reason or singers of Fancy to play thereon Interrupt. But you will injure your wit to bury your wit in solitary silence Contempl. Wit lives not on the tongue as language doth but in the brain which power hath as Nature to create Interrupt. But those are aery not material Creatures Contempl. 'T is true but what they want in substance they have in variety for the brain can create Millions of several Worlds fill'd full of several Creatures and though they last not long yet are they quickly made they need not length of time to give them form and shape Interrupt. But there is required Speech to express them or they are made in vain if not divulged Contempl. Speech is an enemy to Fancy for they that talk much cannot have time to think much and Fancies are produced from thoughts as thoughts are from the minde and the minde which doth create the thoughts and the thoughts the fancies is as a Deity for it entertains it self with it self and only takes pleasure in its own works although none other should partake or know thereof but I shall talk a World out of my head wherefore farewel Ex. Scene 5. Enter Poor Virtue and her Maid Nan Scrapeall NAn Scrapeall Now your Estate is seized on you have not means to keep a Servant as to pay them for their service Poor Virtue No truly Nan but that which grieves me most is that I have not wherewithall to reward thee for thy past service Nan Scrapeall I have served you these seven years and have had nothing but my bare wages unless it were some of the worst of your cast Clothes for Mrs. Governess took order I should have none of the best but I hope
that you are in love with why to cure your disease I will deform it or do you think I have wit to cure that Imagination I will put my tongue to silence I am sure it cannot be my Vertue that inflames you to an intemperance for Vertue is an Antidote against it But had you all the beauty in Nature squeez'd into your form and all the wit in Nature prest into your brain and all the prosperities of good fortune at your command and all the power of Fate and Destiny at your disposal you could not perswade me to yield to your unlawful desires for know I am honest without self-ends my virtue like to Time still running forward my chastity fix'd as Eternity without circumferent lines besides it is built on the foundation of Morality and roof'd and ciel'd with the faith of Religion and the materials thereof are Honour which no subtil Arguments can shake the one nor no false Doctrine can corrupt or rot the other neither is the building subject to the fire of unlawful love nor the tempestuous storms of torments nor the deluge of poverty nor the earthquakes of fear nor the ruines of death for so long as my Soul hath a being my Chastity will live But were you as poor as I even to move pity or so lowly and meanly born at might bring contempt and scorn from the proud yet if your mind and soul were endued with noble qualities and heroical vertues I should sooner embrace your love than to be Mistris of the whole World for my affection to merit hath been ingrafted into the root of my Infancy which hath grown up with my yeares so that the longer I live the more it increases Lord Title You cannot think I would marry you although I would lie with you Poor Virtue I cannot but think it more possible that you should marry me than I to be dishonest Lord Title Thou art a mean poor wench and I nobly descended Poor Virtue What though I am poor yet I am honest and poverty is no crime nor have my Ancestors left marks of infamy to shame me to the world Lord Title Thy Ancestors what were they but poor peasants wherefore thou wilt dignifie thy Race by yielding to my love Poor Virtue Heaven keep them from that dignity that must be gained by my dishonesty no my chastity shall raise a Monumental Tomb over their cold dead ashes Poor Virtue goes out Lord Title alone Lord Title What pity it is Nature should put so noble a soul into a meanborn body Exit Scene 4. Enter the Lord Courtship and the Lady VVard LOrd Courts Pray go visit the Lady Amorous and if her husband be absent deliver her this letter Lady Ward Excuse me my Lord Lord Courts Wherefore Lady Ward I am no Carrier of Love-letters Lord Courts But you shall carry this Lady Ward But I will not Lord Courts Will you not Lady Ward No I will rather endure all the torments that can be invented Lord Courts And you shall for I will torture you if you do not for I will have you drawn up high by the two thumbs which is a pain will force you to submit The Lady Ward falls into a passion Lady Ward Do so if you will nay scrue me up into the middle-Region there will I take a Thunderbolt and strike you dead and with such strength I 'll fling it on you as it shall press your soul down to the everlasting shades of death Lord Courts Sure you will be more merciful Lady Ward No more than Devils are to sinful souls there will I be your Bawd to procure you variety of torments for I had rather be one in Pluto's black Court caused by my own revenge than to be a Bawd on earth which is a humane Devil Lord Courts You are mad Lady Ward Might every word I speak prove like a mad dogs bite not only to transform your shape and turn your speech to barks and howlings but that your soul may be no other than the souls of beasts are Lord Courts You are transformed from a silent young Maid to a raging Fury Lady Ward May all the Furies that Hell inhabites and those that live on earth torment your minde as racks do torture bodies and may the venom of all malice spleen and spight be squeez'd into your soul and poyson all content your thoughts flame like burning oyl and never quench but be eternally a fiery Animal and may the fire feed onely on your self and as it burns your torments may increase The Lady Ward goes out Lord Courtship alone Lord Courts She is mad very mad and I have only been the cause Exit Scene 5. Enter the Lord Title and Poor Virtue LOrd Title Fairest will not you speak Poor Virtue My words have betrayed my heart as discovering the secrets therein wherefore I will banish them and shut the doors of my lips against them Lord Title What for saying you love me Sweet why do you weep Poor Virtue weeps Poor Virtue Tears are the best Cordials for a heart opprest with grief Lord Title I should hate my self if I could think I were the cause But pray forbear to weep Poor Virtue Pray give my grief a liberty my tears are no disturbance they showre down without a ratling noise and silent fall without a murmuring voice but you disturb me Wherefore for pity-sake leave me and I will pray you may enjoy as much prosperity as good fortune can present you with and as much health as Nature can give you and as much tranquillity as Heaven can infuse into a mortal creature Lord Title Neither Fortune Nature nor Heaven can please me or make me happy in this world without you Poor Virtue O you torment me Exit the Lord follows her Scene 6. Enter Sir Humphry Interruption to the Lady Contemplation SIr Humphry Inter. Surely Lady Contemplation your thoughts must needs be very excellent that they take no delight but with themselves Lady Contempl. My thoughts although they are not material as being profitable yet they are innocent as being harmless Sir Humphry Inter. Yet your thoughts do the world an injury in burying your words in the grave of silence Lady Contempl. Let me inform you that sometimes they creep out of their graves as Ghosts do and as Ghosts walk in solitary places so I speak to my solitary self which words offend no ears because I speak to no ears but my own and as they have no flatterers to applaud them so they have no censurers to condemn them Sir Humphrey Inter. But you bury your life whilst you live retir'd from company Lady Contempl. O no for otherwise my life would be buried in company for my life never enjoys it self but when it is alone and for the most part all publick societies are like a discord in Musick every one playing several contrary parts in their actions speaking in several contrary notes striking on several contrary subjects which makes a confusion and a confused noise is
you did not bring me wherewithall to make them until such time as the guts began to putrifie Thrifty No no you are a Slut and did not take all the dung out of them nor wash nor scrape nor cleanse them as they should have been but you order the guts as you do the dishes the one is dungy the other greasie besides my Master complains that his Fowl taste rank and his Brawn tasts strong and his Beef tasts musty and that 's because you are so lazy as not to shift your Brawn into fresh Sousing-drink nor make the brine strong enough in the powdring-tub nor thrust your fingers far enough into the Fowls rumps to draw them clean besides when they are roasted they are as dry as a chip for want of basting-butter besides your sluttery is such as you will poyson all the House for in one place I find a piece of butter and a greasie comb full of nitty hairs lying by it and in another place flour and old-worn stockings the feet being rotted off with sweat and in a third place a dish of cold meat cover'd with a foul smock and your durty shooes for the most part stand upon the Dresser-board where you lay the hot meat besides by your carelesness you do waste and spoil so much as it is unsufferable for you will fling whole ladlefuls of dripping into the fire to make the fire blaze underneath the pot and because you have not the profit of the Kitchin-stuff you will never scrape the Dresser-board nor Dripping-pans nor lick the Platters Trays or Scummers Frying-pans Skillets Gridirons Spits Ladles Kettles or any of the Kitchin-vessels as you should doe but wash them all with hot water at first without taking off the grease before-hand Briget Well if you do not like me pray pay me my wages and I will be gone I 'm sure I never serv'd in any place for so small wages and few vails as in this service I 'm sure 't is no ways beneficial to me Thrifty I 'm sure you 'l make it beneficial one way or another for you have your female Factors that lie abroad to whom you send Commodities by your She-porters that come hither every day to transport them Thus you traffique upon my Masters Cost and my Reputation for I am thought the worse of either as believing I am a false Steward or a negligent one Thus a True man is thought a Knave for by your stealing I am thought a Thief Briget You are a base man for saying I steal I never was accounted a Thief in my life but always trusty and true in what Service soever I lived The Steward goes out and Briget Greasie left as crying Then enters her Master Sir John Dotard and looks earnestly upon her and then speaks as to himself Dotard She 's a pretty Wench if she had but clean cloaths on by Venus she would be very handsome a Silk Gown would make her a rare Beauty her Tears fall on her Nose and Cheeks like gentle showers of rain on Roses and Lillies sweet O she is a heavenly Creature He speaks to her Sweet-heart where do you live Briget In your Worships House Dottard And whose servant are you Briget Your Worships Dotard How long have you served me Briget A Quarter and 't please your Worship Dotard In what place serve you Briget In the Kitchin an 't please you Dotard What makes you cry Briget Your Worships Steward hath wrong'd me Dotard How hath he wrong'd thee Briget He says I stole your Worships Kithin-stuff when the Gods know I am as innocent as the child that is newly born Dotard He is a Knave for saying so and I will have him turn'd out of his Authority for saying so wherefore cry no more fair Maid for thou shalt be preferr'd to a higher Office Briget I thank your Worship Exeunt Scene 2. Enter Mistris Forsaken and a Gentleman FOrsaken Sir did you come lately from Changeland Gentlem. Yes Lady Forsaken Pray did you not see a Gentlemon in that Country ha 〈…〉 Francis Inconstant Gentlem. I am very well acquainted with him Lady for he is my most noble Friend Forsaken I hope he is well Gentlem. So well Madam as he is resolv'd to marry Forsaken That he might do if it were for no other reason but for a Nurse to tend him if he should chance to be sick Gentlem. By your favour Lady it were dangerous for a sick man to be maried especially to a fair young Lady Forsaken But pray Sir is he to marry a Lady in that Country Gentlem. So he told me Forsaken Did he tell you so himself Gentlem. Yes Madam I had it first from his own mouth Forsaken Is she handsome Gentlem. Truly I did not see her Forsaken Is she rich Sir Gentlem. Truly I heard not what portion she had but I suppose if she had been rich her wealth would have made her famous Forsaken Nor you have not heard whether she is discreet or witty nor of what humour she is Gentlem. No indeed Lady I heard not any body speak of her but himself and that was only That he was to marry a young Lady in that City he was in and that he thought would be the cause to perswade him to settle in that Country Forsaken How long a time is required to go to that place where he is Gentlem. According as the wind is If the wind be good twelve hours sail will land a passenger and some eight hours riding from the shore will bring them to the City Forsaken Will you please to walk in and rest your self Exeunt Scene 4. Enter two servant-maids of Sir John Dotards 1 MAid Lord there is such a quarrel about the falling out of Briget Greasie and Master Steward as it is wonderful for my Master chides Briget cries and Master Steward maintains his words as they do so offend and misprove as you would bless your self 2 Maid I will go listen and hear them Exeunt Scene 5. Enter the Lord VVidower and Doctors LOrd My VVife Master Doctor is very ill Doctor She is so for her Disease is not to be cured my Lord for we cannot restore the decays of vital parts for as they consume life draws towards an end Lord But pray do your endeavour to prolong her like as long as you can Doctor We shall my Lord to the utmost of our skill Your Lordships humble servant Exit Doctor Enter Dol Subtilty the Ladies Chamber-maid Dol Subtilty My Lady desires to speak with your Lordship Lord And I desire to speak with your Ladiship Subtilty I am ready to hear your Lordships commands Lord And are you as ready to obey them Subtilty Yes so far as my duty doth oblige me Lord Well then pray do not forget when you are call'd to pay that duty where you owe it Exeunt Scene 6. Enter Mistris Forsaken alone MIstris Forsaken If this News could deprive me of my life it would have made me happy but it hath almost depriv'd me of my Reason
Daughter Mistriss Odd-Humour Two Fathers of the Church Gentlemen Maid-Servants Men-Servants A Nurse THE RELIGIOUS ACT I. Scene 1. Enter two Maid-Servants Kate and Joan. KAte My Masters Nephew and my Ladyes Daughter are the kindest lovers for so young ones as that ever I knew Ioan. I believe you never knew such young ones for she is not above ten years of age and he but thirteen or fourteen Kate He addresseth himself in that Country manner and pleads his Love-sure with such affectionate respect and she gives Audience with such modest attention as one would think they were older by a douzen years a-piece than they are Ioan. They have been bred together and they have not been acquainted with the Vanityes and Vices of the World which makes love the more pure Kate My Lady desires my Master that he would give consent his Nephew may marry her Daughter Ioan. She hath reason for he is the only Son of his Father my Masters Brother the Lord Dorato who is very rich and is in great favour with the Arch-Prince of the Country Kate Why so is my Ladyes Daughter the only Child of her Parents and she is Heir to her Fathers Estate Ioan. Yes but her Father left so many Debts when he dyed as the Estate will not be so great as it is thought to be Kate But by that time she is of Age the Debts may be paid Ioan. But my Lady hath a great Jointure out of it that will be a hindrance to the payment ôf Debts Kate Well I believe whether they have their friends consent or not they will marry they love so very much each other Ioan. Perchance so and then repent when they come to elder years that they marryed so young Kate Faith that they may do if they were double their Age for few marry that repent not Ioan. Well come away and leave them to repentance Kate Nay stay they are not married yet Exeunt Scene 2. Enter Sir Thomas Gravity and his Lady LAdy Pray Husband give your Nephew leave to marry my Daughter Sir Thomas Gravity Time enough Wife they are young and may stay this seven years and indeed they are so young as it is not fit they should marry besides I have not absolute power to dispose of my Nephew for though my Brother left him to my care and breeding when he went Ambassadour to the Emperour because his Wife was dead and none so fit to leave him with as I yet to marry him without his Fathers Knowledge or Consent will not be taken well nay perchance he may be very angry Lady Come come he will not displease you with his anger for fear he may lose that you have power to give from him which is your Estate which you may leave to him or his Son having no Children of your own wherefore pray Husband grant my request Sir Thomas Gravity Well wife I will consider it Lady Nay if you consider you will find so many excuses as you will deny my request with excuse Sir Thomas Gravity Faith if I do consent to this marriage it will be to be rid of my Nephews and your importunity Lady You may be sure we will never let you be quiet Sir Thomas Gravity I believe you Exeunt Scene 3. Enter MIstriss Odd-Humour and her Maid Nan Mistriss Odd-Humour Nan give me my work and my little armed Chair The Maid goeth out and strait enters with a little low wicker armed Chair she sits in it but is forced to crowd her self into it the Chair being too little for her seat Nan Lord Mistriss you take great pains to crowd into that Chair I wonder you can take delight to sit so uneasily Mistriss Odd-Humour O custome is a second Nature for I using to sit in this Chair from my Childhood I have a Natural Love to it as to an old acquaintance and being accustomed to sit in it it feels easier She works the whilst she sits and speaks than any other seat for use and custome makes all things easy when that we are unaccustomed to is difficult and troublesome but I take so much delight to sit and work or Sing old Ballads in this Chair as I would not part from it for any thing Nan Yes you would part with your little old Chair for a proper young Husband who would set you on his knees Mistriss Odd-Humour By my faith but I would not for I should find more trouble and less case on a young Husbands knees than on my old Chairs Seat Nan But if you should sit in this Chair when you were marryed your Husband must kneel down if he would kiss you Mistriss Odd-Humour Why then this Chair will learn a Husband humble submission and obedience which Husbands never knew but Nan prethee fetch me some of my old Ballads to sing for I am weary of working One calls Nan in another room Nan Mistriss your Mother calls you She strives to get out of the little Chair hitching first on one side and then on the other side wringing her self by degrees out the whilst speaks Mistriss Odd-Humour I had as lieve be whipt as stir Nan You have reason you labour so much and ring your self so hard as whipping would be less pain for your Chair is now sitter for your Head than your Britch Mistriss Odd-Humour Not unless to break my head for a Chair is not a fit rest for the head for then the heels would be upwards and so I might be thought a Light-heeld wench for light things fly or ly upwards Nan Why the head that is the uppermost part of the body is not light Mistriss Odd-Humour Yes when 't is mad or drunk Exeunt Scene 4. Enter the Lord Dorato Ambassador and a Man with Letters LOrd Dorato How doth my Brother and my Son Man Very well my Lord The Lord reads a Letter Lord Dorato How is this my Son marryed to my Brothers Wives Daughter without my Knowledge or Consent to a Girl whose Estate hath more Debts than Lands and who knows how she will prove when she is a woman and my Son to marry a wife before he hath wit to govern a wife to put a clog to his heels to hinder his Travell for Knowledge sure my Brother is mad dotingly mad to be perswaded by a foolish woman his wife for I know it was her insinuating perswasions that made him agree to the marriage O I could curse the time I sent my Son to him and my self for trusting him to educate and govern him who hath bred him to be as foolish as himself O foolish Son and more foolish Brother by how much being older but I will break the marriage-knot asunder or disinherit my Son or marry and get another that may prove more wise and happy to me Do you know of my Sons marriage Man Yes Sir for t is much talk'd of and of the extraordinary love betwixt the young couple Lord Dorato A couple of young Puppyes and their Unckle an old Al 's O the
is my Secretary Secretary Here Madam Madam Iantil. Read the Will I caus'd you to write down The Will read I Jantil the Widow of Seigneur Valeroso do here make a free gift of all these following Item All my Husbands Horses and Saddels and whatsoever belongs to those Horses with all his Arms Pikes Guns Drums Trumpets Colours Waggons Coaches Tents and all he had belonging to the War to be distributed amongst his Officers of War according to each degree I freely give Item All his Library of Books I give to that College he was a Pupill in when he was at the University Item To all his Servants I give the sum of their yearly wages to be yearly paid them during their lives Item I give two hundred pounds a year pension to his Chaplin Doctor Educature during his life Item I give a hundred pound a year pension to his Steward during his life Item I give fifty pound a year pension to his Secretary during his life Item I give a hundred pound per annum for the use and repair of this Tomb of my dead Husbands Item I give a thousand pounds a year to maintain ten religious persons to live in this place or House by this Tomb Item I give three thousand pounds to enlarge the House and three thousand pounds more to build a Chapell by my Husbands Tomb Item Two hundred pounds a year I give for the use and repair of the House and Chapell Item I give my Maid Nell Careless a thousand pound to live a single life Item I give the rest of my Estate which was left me by my Husband Seigneur Valeroso to the next of his name These following Speeches and Songs of hers my Lord the Marquess of Newcastle writ Iantil. So 't is well O Death hath shakt me kindly by the hand To bid me welcome to the silent grave 'T is dead and nuns sweet Death how thou doest court me O let me clap thy fallen Cheeks with joy And kiss the Emblem of what once was lips Thy hollow Eyes I am in love withall And thy ball'd head beyond youths best curl'd hair Prethee imbrace me in thy colder Arms And hug me there to sit me for thy Mansion Then bid our Neighbour worms to feast with us Thus to rejoyce upon my holy day But thou art slow I prethee hasten Death And linger not my hopes thus with thy stay 'T is not thy fault thou sayest but fearfull nature That hinders thus Deaths progress in his way Oh foolish nature thinks thou canst withstand Deaths Conquering and inevitable hand Let me have Musick for divertisement This is my Mask Deaths Ball my Soul to dance Out of her frail and fleshly prison here Oh could I now dissolve and melt I long To free my Soul in Slumbers with a Song In soft and quiet sleep here as I ly Steal gently out O Soul and let me dy Lies as a sleep SONG O You Gods pure Angels send her Here about her to attend her Let them wait and here condoul Till receive her spotless Soul So Serene it is and fair It will sweeten all the Air You this holy wonder hears With the Musick of the spheres Her Souls journey in a trice You 'l bring safe to Paradice And rejoice the Saints that say She makes Heavens Holy-day The Song ended she opens her Eyes then speaks Death hath not finish'd yet his work h 'is slow But he is sure for he will do 't at last Turn me to my dear Lord that I may breath My last words unto him my dear Our marriage join'd our flesh and bone Contracted by those holy words made one But by our Loves we join'd each others heart And vow'd that death should never us depart Now death doth marry us since now we must Ashes to ashes be mingling our dust And our joy'd Souls in Heaven married then When our frail bodyes rise wee 'l wed again And now I am joy'd to lie by thy lov'd side My Soul with thy Soul shall in Heaven reside For that is all my In this last word she dies which when her Servants saw they cryed out she is dead she is dead Here ends my Lord Marquesses writing Doctor Educature sayes thus Doctor Educature She is dead she is dead the body hence convey And to our Mistriss our last rights wee 'l pay So they laid her by her Husband upon the Tomb and drawing off the Tomb goe out Exeunt ACT V. Scene 20. Enter Citizens Wives and their Apprentices 1 CItizens Wife Where shall we stand to see this triumphing 2 Citizens Wife I think Neighbour this is the best place 3 Citizens Wife We shall be mightily crouded there 2 Citizens Wife For my part I will stand here and my Apprentice Nathaniel shall stand by me and keep off the croud from crouding me Nathaniel Truly Mistriss that is more than I am able to do 3 Citizens Wife Well Neighbour if you be resolved to stand here we will keep you Company Timothy stand by me Timothy If you stand here Mistriss the Squibs will run under your Clothes 3 Citizens Wife No matter Timothy let them run where they will They take their stand 1 Citizens Wife I hope Neighbour none will stand before us for I would not but see this Lady Victoria for any thing for they say she hath brought Articles for all women to have as many Husbands as they will and all Trades-mens Wives shall have as many Apprentices as they will 2 Citizens Wife The Gods bless her for it Enter a Croud of people She is coming she is coming Officers come Stand up close make way Enter many Prisoners which march by two and two then enter many that carry the Conquered spoils then enters the Lady Victoria in a gilt Chariot drawn with eight white Horses four on a breast the Horses covered with Cloth of gold and great plumes of feathers on their heads The Lady Victoria was adorned after this manner she had a Coat on all imbrodered with silver and gold which Coat reach'd no further than the Calfs of her leggs and on her leggs and feet she had Buskins and Sandals imbroidered suitable to her Coat on her head she had a Wreath or Garland of Lawrel and her hair curl'd and loosely flowing in her hand a Crystall Bolt headed with gold at each end and after the Chariot marched all her Female Officers with Lawrel Branches in their hands and after them the inferiour she Souldiers then going through the Stage as through the City and so entring again where on the midst of the Stage as if it were the midst of the City the Magistrates meet her so her Chariot makes a stand and one as the Recorder speaks a Speech to her VIctorious Lady you have brought Peace Safety and Conquest to this Kingdome by your prudent conduct and valiant actions which never any of your Sex in this Kingdome did before you Wherefore our Gracious King is pleased to give you that which was never granted nor
only Politick Arts Civil and Combining Arts Profitable and necessary Arts Military Arts and Ceremonious Arts but there were Superstitious Arts Idolatrous Arts false factious and mischievous Arts destructive and wicked Arts base and mean Art foolish childish vain superfluous and unprofitable Arts Upon all these Arts the Muses made good sport for at some they flung jests scorns and scoffs and some they stripp'd naked but to others they were cruel for some they stayd their skins off and others they made very Skeletons of dissecting them to the very bones and the truth is they spared not the best of them but they had one saying or other to them But when all the Arts departed they took me and carry'd to the Well of Helicon and there they threw me in over head and cares and said they would Souse me in the Liquor of Poetry but when I was in the Well I thought verily I should have been drown'd for all my outward Senses were smother'd and choak'd for the water did blind my eyes stop'd my ears and nostrils and fill'd my mouth so full as I had not so much space as to spout it forth besides all my body was so numb as I had no feeling insomuch as when they took me out of this Well of Helicon into which they had flung me I seem'd as dead being quite senseless Whereupon they all agreed to take and carry me up on Parnassas Hill and to lay me on the top thereof that the Poetical Flame or Heat therein might dry and warm me after which agreement they took me up every one bearing a part of me or was industrious about me for some carried my Head others my Legs some held my Hands others imbraced my Waste another oiled my Tongue and others powr'd Spirits into my Mouth but the worst-natur'd Muse pinch'd me to try if I was sensible or not and the sweetest and tenderest natur'd Muse wept over me and another was so kind as to kiss me but when they had brought me up to the top of the Hill and laid me thereupon I felt such a heat as if they had laid me on AEtna but after I had layn some time I felt it not so hot and so less and less until I felt it like as my natural heat just like those that goe into a hot Bathe at first crie out it is insufferable and scalding hot yet with a little use will finde it cool enough But whilest I lay on Parnassus Hill I began to make a Lyrick Verse as thus Bright Sparkling hot Poetick sire My duller Muse Inspire Unto thy Sweeter Lyre My Fancies like as Notes all sit To play a Tune of VVit On well-strung Numbers fit But your unfortunate Visit hath pull'd me so hastily down from the Hill that the force of the speed hath crack'd my Imaginary Fiddle broke the Strings of my Wit blotted the Notes of Numbers so spoil'd my Song Lady Visit. Prethee there is none that would have taken the pains to have sung thy Song unlesse some blind Fidler in an Alehouse and then not any one would have listen'd unto it for the fume of the drink would stop the sense of their ears Besides Drunkards love not nor delight in nothing but beastly Nonsense but howsoever I had done thee a friendly part to fetch thee down from off that monstrous high Hill whereby the vastnesse of the height might have made you so dizzy as you might have fallen there-from on the sharp stones of Spite or at least on the hard ground of Censure which might have bruised if not wounded the Reputatio of thy Wit Lady Contempl. Let me tell you you had done me a Courtesie to have let me remain'd there some time for if you had let me alone I might there have improv'd the Stature of my Wit perfected the Health of my Judgment and had nourished the Life of my Muse Exeunt Scene 27. Enter the Lord Title and the Lady Virtue Cloathed like her Self LOrd Title Still I fear my fault is beyond a Pacification yet the Gods are pacified with submissive Actions as bended knees repentant tear imploring words sorrowful Sighs and dejected Countenances all which I gave to thee Lady Virtue Though there is always in my minde an obedient respect to Merit yet a scorn is a sufficient cause to make a rebelling of thoughts words and actions for though I am poor yet I am virtuous and Virtue is to be preferr'd before Wealth or Birth were I meanly born But howsoever true Love like a great and powerful Monarch soon disperses those rebellious passions and quiets those factious thoughts and all murmuring speeches or words are put to silence banishing all frowning Countenance returning humble looks into the eyes again Lord Title Then you have pardon'd me Lady Vertue Yes Lord Title And do you love me Lady Virtue As Saints do Heaven Lord Title kisses Lady Virtues hands Lord Title Your Favours have rais'd my spirits from the grave of Melancholy and your pure Love hath given me a new Life Lady Virtue So truly I love you as nothing but death can destroy it my I am of that belief that were I dead and turned to ashes my dust like firm and lasting steel would fly unto you as to the Loadstone if you were at such distance as nothing might oppose Lord Title Thus Souls as well as Bodies love Exeunt Enter the Lord Courtship and the Lady Amorous LAdy Amorous Since I cannot have the happinesse of your Lordships company at my House I am come to wait upon you at your House Lord Courts Your Ladyship doth me too great an honour Lady Amorous Your Lordship is grown very Courtly Pray how comes our familiar friendship so estranged and set at distance with Complements Lord Courts Madam my wilde manners have been so rude to your Fair Sex as I am become a scorn and shame unto my self Lady Amorous I hate Civility and Manners in a man it makes him appear sneakingly poorly and effeminate and not a Cavalier Bold and free Actions become your Sex Lord Courts It doth so in a Camp amongst rude and rough Souldiers whose Breeding never knew Civility nor will obey gentle Commands submitting only to rigorous Authority But to the fair tender effeminate Sex men should offer their service by their admiring Looks civil Discourses and humble Actions bowing as to a Deity and when they are pleased to favour their servants those Favours to be accounted beyond the Gifts of Iove Lady Amorous Have I Cuckolded my Husband dishonour'd my Family defam'd my self for your sake and am I thus rewarded and thrown aside with civil Complements O basest of men Lord Courts I am sorry I have wronged your Husband but more sorry I have dishonour'd you and what satisfaction a true repentance can make I offer upon the Altar of a Reformed Life Lady Amor Do you repent O false man May you be cursed of all your Sex and die the death of Orpheus Lady Amorous goes out Lord Courtship alone Lord