Exeunt Enter Throate and two Cittizens Thr. Then y' are friends Both We are so please your worship Thr. 'T is well I am glad keepe your mony for law Is like a Butlers box while you two striue That picks vp all your mony you are friends Both We are so please you both perfit friends Th. Why so Now to the next Tap-house there drinke downe this And by the opperation of the third pot Quarrell againe and come to mee for law Fare you well Both The Gods conserne your wisdom E. Ci Thr. Why so these are tricks of the long fifteenes To giue counsell and to take fees on both sides To make 'em friends and then to laugh at them Why this thriues well this is a common trick When men haue spent a deale of mony in law Then Lawyers make them friends I haue a trick To go beyond all these if Small-shanke come And bring rich Somerfields heyre I say no more But 't is within this skonse to goe beyond them Enter Dash Das. Here are Gentlemen in hast would speake with you Thr. What are they Das. I cannot know them sir They are so wrapt in Cloakes Thr. Haue they a woman Das. Yes sir but shee 's Maskt and in her riding sute Thr. Goe make hast bring them vp with reuerence Oh are they ifaith has brought the wealthy heire These stooles and cushions stand not handsomly Enter William Smalshanke Boutcher Thomas Smalshanke Francis and Beard W. Blesse thee Throte Thr. Maister Smalshanke welcome W.S. Welcome loue kisse this Gentlewoman Throte Thr. Your worship shall command me WS. Art not weary Bou. Can you blame hir since she has rid so hard Thr. You are welcome Gentlemen Dash Das. Sir Thr. A fire in the great chamber quickly W. I that 's well said we are almost weary But Maister Throte if any come to inquire For me my brother or this Gentlewoman Wee are not here nor haue you heard of vs Thr. Not a word sir heere you are as safe As in your fathers house T.S. And he shall thanke you W.S. Th' art not merry loue good maister Throte Bid this Gentlewoman welcome she is one Of whom you may receiue some courtesie In time Thr. She is most harty welcome VVilt please you walke into another roome Where is both bed and fire W. Sm. I I that that Good brother lead her in Maister Throte and I Will follow instantly now Maister Throte Exit It rests within your power to pleasure me Know that this same is sir Iohn Somerfields Heire Now if she chance to question what I am Say sonne vnto a Lord I pray thee tell her I haue a world of land and stand in hope To bee created Barron for I protest I was constrain'd to sweare it forty times And yet shee 'le scarce beleeue mee Thro. pauca sapienti Let mee alone to set you out in length And breadth W. Sm. I prethee doo 't effectually Shat haue a quarter share by this good light In all she has I prethee forget not To tell her the Smal-shankes haue beene dancers Tilters and very antient Courtiers And in request at Court since sir Iohn Short-hose With his long silke stockings was beheaded Wilt thou do this Thro. Referre it to my care W. Sm. Excellent I le but shift my bootes and then Goe seeke a Priest this night I will bee shure If we bee shure it cannot be vndone Can it Maister Throte Thr. O sir not possible You haue many Presidents and booke Cases for 't Bee you but shure and then let mee alone Viuat Rex currat Lex and I le defend you W. Sm. Nay then hang care come le ts in Thr. A ha Haue you stole her fallere fallentem non est fraus Exit W. S It shall goe hard but I will strippe you boy You stole the wench but I must her inioy Exit Enter Mistris Taffata Adriana below Come Adriana tell me what thou think'st I am tickled with conceit of marriage And whom think'st thou for mee the fittest husband What saist thou to yong Bouchor Adri. A pretty fellow But that his back is weake Taff. What dost thou say To Throte the Lawier Adri. I like that well Were the Rogue a Lawyer but he is none He neuer was of any Inne-of-court But Inne of Chancery where a was knowne But onely for a swaggering whyfler To keepe out rogues and prentises I saw him When a was stockt for stealing the cookes fees A Lawyer I could like for t is a thing Vsed by you Cittizens wiues your husband 's dead To get French-hoods you straight must Lawyers wed Taf. What saist thou then to Nimble Sir Oliu. Smal-shanck Adr. Faith he must hit the haire a fellow fit To make a pritty Cuckold take an old man T is now the newest fashion better be An old mans darling then a young mans warling Take me the old briske Knight the foole is rich And wil be strong enough to father children Though not to get them Taf. T is true he is the man Yet will I beare some dozen more in hand And make them all my gulls Adr. Mistris stand aside Enter Boutcher and Constantia Young Boutcher comes let me alone to touch him Bou. This is the house Con. And that 's the chambermaide Bou. Wher 's the widdow gentle Adriana Adr. The widdow sir is not to be spooke to Bou. Not speake to I must speake with her Adr. Must you Come you with authority or doe you come To sue her with a warrant that you must speake with her Bou. I would Intreat it Adr. O you would intreat it May not I serue your turne may not I vnfold Your secrets to my Mistris loue is your sute Bou. It is faire creature Adr. And why did you fall off When you perceiued my mistris was so cunning D' you thinke she is still the same Bou. I doe Adr. Why so I tooke you for a nouice and I must thinke You know not yet the inwards of a woman Doe you not know that women are like fish Which must be strooke when they are prone to byte Or all your labours lost but sir walke here And I le informe my Mistris your desires Con. Maister Bou. boy Con. come not you for loue Bou. I do boy Con. And you would haue the widdow Bo. I would Con. by Ioue I neuer saw one goe about his busines More vntowardly why sir doe not you know That he which would be inward with the Mistris Must make a way first through the waiting mayde If you le know the widdowes affections Feele first the waiting Gentle-woman do it Maister Some halfe a dozen kisses were not lost Vppon this Gentle-woman for you must know These wayting-maids are to their Mistresses Like Porches vnto doores you passe the one Before you can haue entrance at the other Or like your musterd to your peece of brawne If you le haue one tast well you must not scorne To bee dipping in the other I tell you Maister T is not a
RAM-ALLEY Or Merrie-Trickes A COMEDY Diuers times here-to-fore acted By the Children of the Kings Reuels Written by Lo Barrey AT LONDON Printed by G. Eld for Robert Wilson and are to be sold at his shop in Holborne at the new gate of Grayes Inne 1611 The Prologue HOme-bred mirth our Muse doth sing The Satyres tooth and Waspish sting Which most do hurt when least suspected By this Play are not affected But if Conceit with quick-turn'd Sceanes Obseruing all those ancient streames Which from the Horse-foot fount do flow As Time Place Person and to show Things neuer done with that true life That thoughts and wits shall stand at strife Whether the things now shewne be true Or whether wee our selues now do The things wee but present if these Free from the loathsome stage disease So ouer-worne so tirde and stale Not Satyring but to raile May win your fauours and inherit But calme acceptance for his merit A vowes by Paper Pen and Inke And by the learned Sisters drinke To spend his Time his Lamps his Oyle And neuer cease his braine to toyle Till from the silent houres of night Hee doth produce for your delight Conceits so new so harmlesse free That Puritanes them-selues may see A Play yet not in publique Preach That Players such lewd doctrine teach That their pure ioynts do quake and tremble VVhen they doe see a man resemble The Picture of a Villaine This As hee a friend to Muses is To you by mee a giues his word Is all his Play doth now affoord FINIS Actorum nomina Sir Oliuer Smale-shankes Iustice Tutchin Thomas Smale-shankes William Smalshankes Boutcher Lieftenant Beard Throte Captaine Face Dash Three Gentlemen A Drawer Constable and Officers Women Lady Sommerfield Constantia Somerfield Francis Taffata Adriana Chamber-maide Ramme-Alley Actus 1. Scaena 1 Enter Constantia sola with a letter in her hand Const. IN this disguise ere scarce my mourning robes Could haue a generall note I haue forsooke My shape my mother and those ritch demeanes Of which I am sole heyre and now resolue In this disguise of Page to follow him Whose loue first caused me to assume this shape Lord how my feminine bloud stirs at the sight Of these same breeches me thinkes this cod-peece Should betray mee well I will trye the worst Hether they say hee vsually doth come Whom I so much affect what makes he heere In the skirts of Holborne so neere the field And at a garden house a has some punke Vpon my life no more heere hee comes Enter Boutcher God saue you sir your name vnlesse I erre Is maister Thomas Boutcher Bou. 'T is sweet boy Con. deliuers the lett Con. I haue a letter for you Bou. From whom i st Con. The inside sir will tell you I shall see he reads it What loue he beares me now Bou. Th' art welcome boy How does the faire Constantia Somerfield My noble mistresse Con. I left her in health Bou. Shee giues thee heere good words and for her sake Thou shalt not want a maister be mine for euer Con. I thanke you sir now shall I see the Punke he knocks Enter William Small-shanke W. Sm. Who knocks so fast I thought 't was you what news Bout You know my businesse well I sing one song W. Sm. Foot what would you haue me do my land is gon My credit of lesse trust then Courtiers words To men of iudgment and for my debts I might deserue a Knight-hood what 's to be done The Knight my father will not once vouchsafe To call me sonne That little land a gaue Throte the Lawyer swallowed at one gob For lesse then halfe the worth and for the Citty There be so many rascals and tall yeomen Would hang vpon me for their maintenance Should I but peepe or step within the gates That I am forst onely to ease my charge To liue here in the suburbes or in the towne To walke in Tenebris I tell you sir Your best retierd life is an honest Punke In a thatcht house with Garlike tell not mee My Punk 's my Punke and noble Letchery Sticks by a man when all his friends forsake him Bou. The Poxe it will art thou so sencelesse growne So much indeared to thy bestiall lust That thy originall worth should lye extinct And buried in thy shame farre be such thoughts From spirits free and noble begin to liue Know thy selfe and whence thou art deriu'd I know that competent state thy father gaue Cannot be yet consum'd W.S. 'T is gon by Heauen Not a denier is left Bou. 'T is impossible W.S. Impossible zart I haue had two suckers Able to spend the wealthy Craesus store Enter Francis Bou. What are they W.S. Why a Lawyer and a Whore See heere comes one doost thinke this petti-coate A perfum'd smock and twice a weeke a bathe Can be maintain'd with halfe a yeares reuenews No by Heauen wee Annuall yonger brothers Must go to 't by hole-sale by hole-sale man These creatures are maintaind her very face Has cost a hundred pound Fra. Sir thanke your selfe Con. They keepe this whore betwixt them Fra. You know sir I did inioy a quiet country life Spotlesse and free till you corrupted mee And brought me to the Court I neuer knew What sleeking glazing or what pressing meant Till you preferd me to your Aunt the Lady I knew no Iuorie teeth no caps of heire No Mercury water fucas or perfumes To helpe a Ladies breath vntill your Aunt Learnt me the common trick W.S. The common trick Say you a poxe vpon such common tricks They will vndoe vs all Bou. And knowing this Art thou so wilfull blind still to persist In ruine and defame W.S. What should I doe I 'aue past my word to keepe this Gentlewoman Till I can place her to her owne content And what is a Gentleman but his word Bou. Why let her goe to seruice W S. To seruice Why so shee does she is my Landeresse And by this light no punie Inne a Court But keepes a Landresse at his command To doe him seruice and shall not I ha Fra. Sir you are his friend I loue him to Propound a course which may aduantage him And you shall finde such reall worth in me That rather then I le liue his hindrance I will assume the most penurious state The Citty yeelds to giue me meanes of life W. S Why ther 's it you heare her what she sayes Would not he be damn'd that should forsake her Sayes she not well can you propound a course To get my forfit land from yonder roague Parcell Lawyer parcell Deuill all Knaue Thrate throate Bou. Not I W.S. Why so I thought as much You are like our Cittizens to men in need Which cry 't is pitty a propper Gentleman Should want mony yet not an vsuring slaue VVill lend him a denier to helpe his wants Will you lend mee forty shillings Bou. I will W.S. VVhy God-amercy there 's some goodnesse in thee You le not repent Bou. I will not
With their lasciuious glances conquer him Hath still beene Lord of his affections Shall simpring nisenesse load-stones but to fooles Attract a knowing spirrit it shall it dooes Not Phaebus rising from Auroras lap Spreds his bright raies with more maiestique grace Then came the glances from her quickning eye And what of this Con. By my troth I know not Bou. I will not enter continued flames burne strong I yet am free and reason keepes her seate Aboue all fond affections yet is she fayre Enter Adriana Adr. Sir I bring you thankes for this great curtesie And if you please to enter I dare presume My mistris will afford you gratious welcome Bou. How doe men call your mistris Con. The man 's in loue Adr. Her name sir is Mistris Changeable late wife To maister Tafata Mercer deceast Bour. I haue heard she is both rich and beautifull Adr. In th' eyes of such as loue her iudge your selfe Please you but pricke forward and enter Con. Now will I fall a boord the wating maide Adr. Fall a boord of me dost take me for a ship Con. I And will shoote you betwixt wind and water Adr. Blurt maister gunner your linstocks to short Con. Foote how did she know that dost here sweet hart Should not the page be doing with the maid Whilst the maister is busie with the mistris Please you pricke forwards thou art a wench Likely to goe the way of all flesh shortly Adr. Whose witty knaue art thou Con. At your seruice Ad. At mine faith I should breetch thee Con. How breetch me Adr. I breetch thee I haue breetch a taler man Then you in my time come in and welcome Con. Well I see now a ritch well-practis'd baud May pursse more fees in a summers progresse Then a well traded lawier in a whole terme Pandarisme why 't is growne a liberall science Or a new sect and the good professors Will like the Brownist frequent grauell pits shortly For they vse woods and obscure holes already Enter Tafata and Boucher Not marry a widdow Bou. No Taf. And why Belike you thinke it base and seruant-like To feed vpon reuersion you hold vs widdowes But as a pie thrust to the lower end That hath had many fingers in t before And is reseru'd for grose and hungry stomackes Bou. You much mistake me Taff. Come in faith you do And let me tell you that 's but ceremony For though the Pye bee broken vp before Yet sayes the prouerbe the deeper is the sweeter And though a capons wings and legges be caru'd The flesh left with the rumpe I hope is sweet I tell you sir I haue beene woed and sued to By worthy Knights of faire demeanes nay more They haue bin out of debt yet till this houre I neither could indure to be in loue Or be beloued but proferd ware is cheape what 's lawfull that 's loathd and things denied Are with more stronger appetite persude I am to yeelding Bou. You mistake my thoughts But know thou wonder of this continent By one more skyld in vnknowne fate then was The blind Achaian Prophet It was foretold A widdow should indanger both my life My soule my lands and reputation This cheks my thoughs and cooles th' ssentiall fire Of sacred loue more ardent in my brest Then speech can vtter Taf. A triuiall Idle ieast T is for a man of your repute and note To credit fortunetellers a petty rogue That neuer saw fiue shillings in a heape Will take vpon him to diuine mens fate Yet neuer knowes himselfe shall die a begger Or be hanged vp for pilfering tablecloaths Shirts and smocks hanged out to dry on hedges T is meerely base to trust them or if there be A man in whome the Delphicke God hath breathed His true diuining fire that can foretell The fixt decree of fate he likewise knowes What is within the euerlasting booke Of Desteny decreed cannot by wit Or mans Inuention be disolued or shund Then giue thy loue free scope imbrace and kisse And to the distafe sisters leaue th' euent Bou. How powerfull are their words whome we affect Small force shall need to winne the strongest fort If to his state the Captaine be perfidious I must intreate you licence my depart For some few houres Taf. Choose what you will of time There lyes your way Bou. I will intreate her stay Taf. Did you call sir Bou. No Taf. Then fare you well Bou. Who gins to loue needs not a second Hell Ent. Adr. Taf. Adriana makes a no stay Adr. Mistris Taf. I prythee see if hee haue left the house Peepe close see but be not seene is a gon Adr. No has made a stand Ta. I prethee keepe close Ad. Nay keep you close y 'ad best Taf. What does he now Adr. Now a retiers Bou, O you much partiall gods Why gaue you men affections and not a power To gouerne them what I by fate should shunne I most affect a widdow a widdow Taf. Blowes the wind there Adr. A ha h 'is in ifaith Yo 'aue drawne him now within your purlews mistresse Bou. Tut I will not loue my rationall And better parts shall conquer blind affections Let passion children or weake women sway My loue shall to my iudgement still obay Taf. What does he now Adr. H 'is gon Taf. Gon Adriana Adr. A went his way and neuer lookt behind him Taf. Sure he 's taken Adr. A little sing'd or so Each thing must haue beginning men must prepare Before they can come on and show their loues In pleasing sort the man will doe in time For loue good Mistresse is much like to waxe The more 't is rub'd it sticks the faster too Or like a bird in bird-lime or a pit-fall The more a labours still the deeper in Taf. Come thou must helpe me now I haue a trick To second this beginning and in the nick To strike it dead ifaith women must woe When men forget what Nature leads them too Enter Throte the Lawyer from his study bookes and bags of money on a Table a chaire and cushion Thr. Chast Phoebe splende there 's that left yet Next to my booke Claro micante Auro I that 's the soule of lawe that 's it that 's it For which the Buckrome bag must trudge all weathers Though scarcely fild with one poore replication How happy are we that wee ioy the law So freely as we doe not bought and sold But clearely giuen without all base extorting Taking but bare ten Angels for a fee Or vpward to this renown'd estate Haue I by indirect and cunning meanes In-wouen my selfe and now can scratch it out Thrust at a barre and cry my Lord as low'd As ere a listed gowne-man of them all I neuer plead before the honor'd bench But bench right-worshipfull of peacefull Iustices And Country-Gentlemen and yet I 'aue found Good gettings by the Masse besides od cheates VVill Small-shankes lands and many garboyles more Dash. Dash Sir Thr. Is that reioynder done Da. Done sir
le muster vp my friends and thus I cast it Whilst they are busie you and I will hence Directly to a Chappell where a Priest Shall knit the nuptiall knot ere they persue vs Bea O rare inuention I le act my part A owes mee thirteene pound I say no more But there be catch-poles speakest a match Fra. I giue my liking Thr. Dash Das. Sir Thr. Get your sword And me my buckler nay you shall know We are Tam marti quam mercurio Bring my cloake you shall thether I le for friends Worship and wealth the Lawyers state attends Dash we must beare some braine to Saint Iohns streete Goe runne flye and a farre off enquire If that the Lady Somerfield be there If there know what newes and meete me straite At the Myter doore in Fleet-streete away To get rich wiues men must not vse delay Actus 3. Scaena 1. Enter Sir Oliuer Smalshanke Iustice Tutchim Iu. Tu. A hunting Sir Oliuer and drye-foote to S. Ol. We old men haue our cretchets our conundrums Our fegares quirks and quibibles As well as youth Iustice Tutchim I goe To hunt no Buck but prick a lusty Doe I go in truth a wooing I. Tu. Then ride with me I le bring you to my sister Somerfield S. Ol. Iustice not so by her there hangs a Tale I. Tu. That 's true indeed S. Ol. She ha's a daughter I. Tu. And what of that S. Ol. I likewise haue a sonne A villanous Boy his father vp and downe What should I say these Veluet bearded boyes Will still be doing say what we old men can I. Tu. And what of this Sir Oliuer be plaine S. Oli. A nimble spirited knaue the villaine boy Has one tricke of his sier has got the wench Stolne your ritch Sisters heire I. Tu. Somer-fields heire S. Ol. Has done the deed has peirst the vessells head And knowes by this the vintage I. Tu. when should this be Si. Ol. As I am by my councell well informed This very day I. Tu. Tut It cannot be Some ten miles hence I saw the maid last night S. Ol Maides may be maides to night and not to morrow Women are free and sell their maiden-heads As men sell cloth by yard and handfull But if you chaunce to see your Sister widdow Comfort her teares and say her daughters matcht With one that has a knocker to his Father An honest Noble Knight I. Tu. Stand close Knight close And marke this Captaines humor his name is Puffe A dreames as a walkes and thinkes no woman Enter Captaine Puffe Sees him but is in loue with him Pu. T were braue If some great Lady through a window spide me And straight should loue me say she should send 5000 pound vnto my Lodging And craue my company with that mony I would make three seuerall cloakes and line them With blacke Crimson and Tawny three pyl'd veluet I would eate at Chares Ordinary and dice At Antonies then would I keepe my whore In beaten veluet and haue two slaues to tend her Si. Ol. Ha ha ha Puf. What my case of Iustices What are you eaues-dropping or doe you thinke Your tawny coates with gresie facings here Shall carry it Sir Oliuer Smal-shankes Know my name is Puffe Knight thee haue I sought To fright thee from thy wits I. Tu. Nay good Sir Puffe We haue to many mad men already Pu. How I tell thee Iustice Tuchim not all Thy Baylifes Sergants busie Constables Defesants warrants or thy Mittimusses Shall saue his throte from cutting if he presume To woe the widdow eclipped Tafata Shee is my wife by oth Therefore take heed Let me not catch thee in the widdowes house If I doe I le picke thy head vpon my sword And pisse in thy very visnomy beware beware Come there no more a Captains word Flies not so feirce as doth his fatall sword Exit Puffe Si. O. How like you this shall we indure this thunder Or goe no further I. Tu. We will on Sir Oliuer We will on let me aloue to touchim I wounder how my spirit did forbeare To strike him on the face had this beene spoke Within my Liberties had dyed for it Enter Cap. Puffe Si. Ol. I was about to draw Pu. If you come there Thy beard shall serue to stuffe those balls by which I get me heat at Tenice I Tu. Is he gon Exit Puffe I would a durst a stood to this awhile Well I shall catch him in a narrow rome Where neither of vs can flinch If I do I le make him daunce a trenchmoor to my sword Come I le along with you to the widdow We will not be out-braued take my word Wee le not be wronged while I can draw a sword Exit Enter Throte and other Gentlemen Thr. Let the Cotch stay at Showlane end be ready Let the boote stand open and when she 's in Hurry towards Saint Gyles in the field As if the Diuell himselfe were wagoner Now for an arme of oake and heart of steele To bare away the wench to get a wife A gentlewoman a maid nay which is more An honest maid and which is most of all A rich and honest maid O Ioue Ioue For a man to wed such a wife as this Is to dwell in the very suburbs of Heauen 1. Gen. Is she so exquesite Thr. Sir she is rich And a great heire 2. Gen. T is the more dangerous Thr. Dangerous Lord where be those gallant spirits The time has beene when scarce an honest woman Much lesse a wench could passe an Inn of court But some of the fry would haue bene doing With her I knew the day when Shreds a Taylor Comming once late by an Inne of Chancerie Was layd along and muffled in his cloake His wife tooke in Stytcht vp turnd out againe And he perswaded all was but in iest Tut those braue boyes are gone these which are left Are wary lads liue poring on their bookes And giue their lynnen to their landresses By tayle they now can saue their pursses I knew when euery gallant had his man But now a twelpenny weekely Landresse Will serue the turne to halfe a dosen of them Enter Dash Here comes my man what newes Das. As you would wish The Lady Somer-field is come to towne Her horses yet are walking and her men say Her onely daughter is conuayd away Noe man knowes how now to it mast You and your Seruant Dash are made for euer If you but sticke to it now Thr. Gentlemen Now show your selues at full and not a man But shares a fortune with me if I speed Enter William Smal-shanke Boutcher Thomas Smal-shanke Francis and Bear with a torch 1. Gen. Tut feare not vs be shure you runne away And wee le performe the quarrell Thr. Stand close they come W. Art sure he wil be here Fr. Most sure W. Beard Be Sir W. Beare vp the torch and keepe your way apace Directly to the Sauoy Th. S. Haue you a Lycence Looke to that brother before you marry