civil Mrs. Elizabeth To shew how damnably I shall frustrate your expectations I this night put an end to your reign your way of livelihood is much after the mode of the Tartars when you have graz'd all you can in one Province you seek out a new one and so prepare to morrow for fresh Forrage Betty My way of living with you has been much after the mode of the Tartars for I have tasted since I came nothing but Horse-flesh and fresh Forrage I will seek to morrow Lord Dr. And so you shall Ex. Lord Dr. Mer. Do you hear Sir the fair Faulcon will have her Hood and her Bells pull'd off tomorrow and set to fly at liberty Ramb. I hear I want but a light to Lure her down on my fist where stay my loytering Rogues Mer. I am afraid 't is so late there 's not a light to be got Betty Come Sis I 'le go lie with thee Sis. Why do you vex my Lord so Madam Betty This is the discipline I keep him under not a syllable he speaks to night but shall cost him dearer than printing a Book in Folio he shall be glad tomorrow to tye me and all my things in my Chamber with Point de Venice and barricado me with Stones as rich as the Philosophers-Stone and Mortar of Ambergreese Sis. Well I swear 't is a rare thing to be an absolute Prince and have rich Subjects Oh how one may Pill 'em and Poll ' em Exeunt Ramb. Oh dull Rogue that I am I have staid till she 's gone gone as I live the window is shut and all dark strike up you Rogues and retrieve her never stay for Tuning She does not come yet scrape as loud as you can make your Cat-guts squeek as loud as a Consort of Catterwaulers would at the roasting of one she 's gone to bed I 'm ruin'd Sing joyn all your throats and bawl beat a Travalley on the Drums of their ears I hear some body at the window 't is she I hope now be more melodious lest you fright her hence Lord Drybone peeps out of the window Lord Dr. Musick at my door at this time o' night Now I shall discover my Gentlewomans Intrigues 't was for this she came to the window I 'le listen to try if I can find out any mystery by their Song and then steal to the door and see who they are SONG A Pox of impertinent Age The pleasures of Youth to invade The Cheat who has long been broke Has impudence still to Trade Awaken fair Celia betimes Before thy sweet Youth 's undone Come sow thy delights in a breast Will yield thee a hundred for one I bring thee hot Youth and Love Come mingle thy fires with mine We 'l serve to the night for Stars And make 'em asham'd to shine Come down to my plentifull feast Lye picking o'bones no more The scraps of a dish ill dress'd And the leavings of many a Whore As they have done singing enter Sir Thomas Rash in a Buff-coat with a long Sword by his side followed by two or three Footmen with long Swords Sir Tho. Where is this Ramble and his Fiddles 1 Footm. I heard 'em an 't like your worship but just now hereabouts Sir Tho. How shall I know they are his a company of Rogues to lay my Buff-coat out of the way that I have lost Ramble while I have been looking my Coat and you Sirrah to let your Torch go out to one of the Footmen Ramb. What an unlucky Puppy am I she does not look out yet 1 Footm. Sir Sir an 't like your worship I see a heap of men at yonder door I believe they are they Sir Tho. How shall I know that Sirrah come along I 'le listen and hear what they talk of if it be Ramble I 'le Ramble him I 'le teach him to come Rambling and Rumbling after my daughter 2 Footm. O' my conscience 't is he Sir for I heard the Fiddles hereabout Sir Tho. Hold your tongue you Puppy listens Enter Lord Drybone in his Night-Gown with a Sword in his hand Lord Dr. So they are here still I was afraid they were gone now shall I discover who they are goes behind them and peeps Mer. She is gone to bed Sir she will not come out no more to night Ramb. How unlucky was this Sir Tho. I have found him I'faith that 's Ramble's voice and that 's my daughter they talk of she has promis'd to come out to him it seems here 's brave doings I 'le make some body smart Rogues be ready when I give the word Let me peep whereabouts he is Sir Tho. peeps Lord Dr. So so they expect her to streal out Oh brave whore who can this be let me peep a fellow in a Buff-coat and by what I can per-ceive and old fellow too What has she Intrigues with Hectors and old Hectors methinks an old Rich Lord should be as good as an old poor Hector Peeps about Sir Tho. and Sir Tho. about Lord Dr. Sir Tho. Ha! in his Night-Gown just ready to chop to bed to her when she comes they have made a match to lie together here to Night Oh sweet virtuous Madam Christina I have bred you up to fine purpose I 'le stay till you come to give my blessing on you both together Mer. Come Sir you had as good go to your repose the jealous old Coxcomb does so watch her water that she cannot get out Lord Dr. The jealous old Coxcomb Oh brave what Rogue is this Sir Tho. The jealous old Coxcomb Sirrah your throat shall be cut for this Ramb. Pox on him for me he has made me lose a Night-fatigue Lord Dr. Pox on him Sir Tho. Pox on him yes I 'le give you five thousand pound with my daughter to bid a Pox on me I will Mer. Sir Sir whate're the business is the door is open if you will I 'le enter softly and see what it means Ramb. Do oh do prethee dear Merry Oh Heav'n grant Lord Dr. Stealing to the door Lord Drybone gets betwixt Merry and the door Who 's there He gives Merry a box o th' ear Mer. A Friend Merry strikes him again Lord Dr. Ho Peter George ho my people ho Sir Tho. Are you quarrelling amongst your selves I 'le make one among you Ramble where are you Ramble I 'le Ramble you Fall on Ramb. Sir Thomas Rash's voice I 'm ruin'd Retreat Retreat Ramble and Merry retreat followed by Sir Tho. Rash 's men the Fidlers run several ways Sir Tho. Ramble is my man and here he is are you running into your Castle Sir Lays hold on Lord Dryb. Lord Dr. George Peter George Sir Tho. Oh you change your voice Sir now I am come do you 't is not George not St. George shall help you now Sir I 'le teach you to make a whore of my daughter Sir Lord Dr. How her Father here is this old Hector her Father make a whore of your daughter Sir your daughter was a whore before I had any thing to do with her Sir Tho. Oh horrid she 's Common however I will have my penny worths out of you Lord Dr. Murder murder George Peter Thomas Rogues
that Heaven may serve them so Dedicators who trouble great Men only to gain their Protection sacrifice not to their Patrons but sacrifice their Patrons to themselves I declare I beg not your Lordships Protection but Acceptance of this Play and then let it perish if it will Victims ought to dye nor does it come to your Altars without a Crown and one received from a Royal Hand a Fortune more Glorious than I could expect I designed it as any one may see by the low Characters onely to serve an Apprentiship to the City but being honor'd with the Kings favour I thought I ought to treat it with Respect and I cou'd not do it greater Honor than to put it in your Lordships service and so I discharged my self of a double Debt and paid all under one the duty I owed to what the King favour'd and the much greater Duty and Honor I owe to a person whom Heaven has favour'd with Qualities admir'd by all the World but by none more than My Lord Your Lordships most Humble And Obedient Servant JOHN CROWN PROLOGUE OH Sirs this is a monstrous witty Age Wit grown a drugg has quite undone the Stage The mighty Wits now come to a new Play Only to taste the scraps they flung away Poets new Treat you at your own expence All but the Poets now abound in Sence City and Countrey is with Wit o'rflown Weeds grow not faster there than Wits in Town New Wits and Poets every day are bred Each hour some budding Criticque shews his Head Playes are so common they ere little priz'd And to be but a Poet is despis'd The saucy Tongue much boldness wou'd display That durst in spight of all this plenty say Poets and Criticques too are very rare Yes Sirs we to our sorrow find they are More to the making of a Wit there goes Than niggard Nature commonly bestows A Writer at the least 't is not a Grain Only to season and preserve the Brain From fav'ring of the Fool nor at the best To spice Discourse with an insipid Jest Writing like Roman Gloves should scent a room Each thought shou'd have in it a strong perfume But oh few smell of Wit so very rank Nature of Late is turn'd a Mountebank A Winter or a Daffy and puts off For Wit and Sence some foolish Chymick Stuffe A Quintessence but not of Wit Heaven knows Which she to all most liberally throws Noise in the Cit and noise upon the Stage Who wou'd not think it were a witty Age Never more noise and talk of Wit was known The triflingst wretch himself a Judge will own And on his Bench of Judgement frowning fit And Dubb the Poet which he likes a Wit Oh wou'd these quacking tricks but Nature have And not the poor unhappy World deceive With Heat which seems like Wit but is not so Then real Wit into esteem wou'd grow Men wou'd not foolishly then take in hand To Judge or Write but first wou'd understand Then he who has but little Wit wou'd know it And not presume to be a Judge or Poet. The Persons Represented by SIR Thomas Rash Father to Christina Mr. Sandford Ramble a wild young Gentleman of the Town in love with Christina Mr. Batterton Merry his Man Mr. Harris Sir Mannerly Shallow a foolish Countrey Knight Mr. Nooks Booby a dull Countrey Clown Servant to Sir Mannerly Mr. Vnderhil Lord Drybone an old debauched Lord that keeps a Wench and is abused and jilted by her Mr. Medbourn Rash a Porter Mr. Leigh Women Lady Faddle Aunt to Sir Mannerly Mrs. Batterton Christina Daughter to Sir Thomas Rash in love with Ramble Mrs. Leigh Betty Frisque a young jilting Wench kept by Lord Drybone Mrs. Currer Siss her Maid  Goody Rash an Herb-Woman the Porters Wife Mrs. Norris Winnifrid Rash her Daughter  Isabella Cbristina's Maid Mrs. Leigh Constable Watch Fiddles Servants Attendants SCENE The Pall-Mall in the year 1675. THE Country Wit ACT. I. SCENE Sir Thomas Rash 's House Enter Sir Thomas Rash Christina and Isbella Chris MArry to morrow Sir Sir Tho. Ay to morrow Sir why not to morrow Sir what great affairs have you to do that you cannot marry to morrow as well as to morrow come twelve-month Isab What a rash giddy old man is this he will aside compell my Lady to marry one she never saw and to a marriage he has not thought on above these ten days Chris If I must marry Sir I think marriage is a great affair and so great a one that I ought to consider of it more weeks and months then there are hours betwixt this and to morrow Sir Tho. Oh pray do you throw Considering-caps aside they are not for your wear No Considering-cap was ever made fit for a womans head yet Isab How no Considering-cap fit a womans Sir Tho. Why hussey who bid you prate I say the Marrying Loving Imbracing part is yours turn 〈…〉 the Considering part is mine I have Consider'd enough of it Chris I doubt not Sir but you have prudently co 〈…〉 it but whether enough or no perhaps may be a que 〈…〉 please to remember Sir but few days are past since you first thought of it and almost the same hour you first thought of it you resolv'd of it and though I doubt not but you consider'd of it as well as possible for so short a time yet certainly you did not allow your self time enough for so weighty an affair Sir Tho. Not time enough why what had I to consider of that requir'd time Here 's my daughter Christina and 5000 l. Portion there 's Sir Mannerly Shallow a young Baronet and 2000 l. a year In short I 'le have no more Considering the affair is concluded Articles are drawn up betwixt the Lady Faddle and me by the consent of her Nephew Sir Mannerly Shallow and Sir Mannerly will be in Town to morrow and to morrow he shall marry you before he sleeps nay before his Boots are off nay before he lights off his Horse he shall marry you a Horse-back but he shall marry you to morrow Isab And he shall bed her a Horse-back too shall he Sir Tho. Why hussey will you be interrupting still get you out of doors Isab I ha' done Sir Sir Tho. I say get you out of doors Chris Prethee Isabella let him alone Isab What flesh and bloud can endure to see such a Fools match by a Fool to a Fool if reports be true Sir Tho. Your flesh and bloud Sawce-box or I 'le set you out of the Room Chris Give o're Isabella when I forbid you Well Sir but suppose Sir Mannerly upon his arrival should not like me Sir Tho. Not like you he shall like you or I 'le try it out at Law with him I have it under black and white and my black and white shall make him like your red and white in spight on 's teeth No no there 's no such clause in our Articles there 's no such proviso he 's to
come help me Enter Lord Drybone 's men 〈…〉 Footm. My Lord assaulted Sir Tho. Murder murder Andrew Nicholas Will Rogues come help me Enter Ramble and Merry fighting with Sir Tho. 's men Ramb. Sir Thomas calls out murder Sir Th. Foot My Master thereabouts Sir Tho. 's men run away from Ramble and fall on Lord Drybone Lord Dr. Ho the Watch a Constable a Constable Lord Drybone runs in calling Constable whilst all the rest fight helter skelter Enter Constable and Watch. Const Knock 'em down knock 'em down The Watch knock the Servants down Seize that man and that man and bring 'em before me Watch seizes Sir Tho. and Ramble Who are you what are you come before me Sir Thomas Rash and Squire Ramble I know you both What 's the meaning of this Gentlemen a man of your worship Sir Thomas to be a fighting in the Streets o' this time o' night fie upon it and Squire you use to be more civil Ramb. Sir Thomas I am glad to see you so well I hope you have got no hurt who was it quarrell'd with you Sir Tho. Oh fine fellow he has got his Cloaths on already to put a cheat upon me and the better to promote it pretends he knows nothing of the quarrel No Sir no I have got no hurt Ramb. I am glad of it with all my heart Sir Tho. To make a whore of my daughter is no hurt to me aside Ramb. I was very fortunate to pass by Sir Tho. And so was I to discover this Roguery aside Const This is like Gentlemen now I commend you Come Gentlemen you are both my Friends I will convey you safe home with my Fleet of Lanthorns and let 's be merry as we go the man in the Moon and I are Dukes of Midnight give a spill to my Watch and my Grace shall drink your health in Claret Sir Tho. Less of your wit and more of your office Mr. Constable I will have Revenge though I put my daughter in Bridewell seize that Gentleman Mr. Constable Ramb. Me Sir for what you are in some mistake I came to your assistance Sir Tho. Seize him I say Ramb. What 's the meaning of this Sir Tho. You shall know the meaning presently Const Come come Gentlemen pray let us make you Friends Ramb. Sir there was never any enmity betwixt us there is no man in the world that I am more Servant to then Sir Thomas Rash Sir Tho. Yes Sir I know what service you do me and you shall have your wages seize us both I say and carry us before the next Justice of Peace Const I am sorry for this I'faith Gentlemen Ramb. Sir Thomas there need be no seizing I 'le wait upon you Mr. Constable if you please you may let me walk at liberty I will engage my Honour to you I will wait on Sir Thomas Rash wherever he pleases to command me Sir Tho. No thanks to you Sir I 'le make you do it I 'le try if there be Law against such lewd doings as these are bring him along here walks before in hast Const What have you done Squire to Sir Thomas he is a hasty cholerick man Ramb. I have only hindred him from having his throat cut if he be angry at that I cannot help it Mer. What Devil brought this old Fellow hit her and what ayls him A noise within of drunken Eullies who enter with their Swords drawn roaring Om. Eul. Hay hay scour scour 1 Bul. An honest Gentleman going to prison Om. Bul. Rogues Rogues The Bullies fight and beat the Watch all go off scuffling and roaring ACT. III. SCENE The Street Enter Ramble Ramb. I Am beholden to the honest drunken Bullies that procur'd my liberty from these Night-Corsairs and Algerines call'd the Watch that Pickaroon up and down in the Streets and will not let an honest Christian Vessel laden with Burgundy sail by but I was little beholden to Fortune to stand in need of their help I do not like the adventure with this cholerick old Father-in-law of mine a Pox of the formal Coxcombs for me that invented the Rules of Manners and Civility and Foolery I must endure the humours of this old fellow only because he club'd to the Production of the fair Christina as if a man were bound in civility to stand under the droppings of a Conduit all days on 's life because once at a Coronation it ran Claret and he was drunk with it Enter Merry and Isabella vizarded Mer. Sir Sir I have the most glorious news for you Ramb. Ha! quick quick thou fir'st me what is it Mer. A most delicate young Lady wife to a person of very great Quality has been sick for you these six months and her Husband happening this night to be out of Town she has sent her woman for you Isab O why did you say so Sir I told you I stole out o' my own head out of pity to her she knows nothing of it Ramb. No no she knows nothing of it to my knowledge Isab I know when I bring him she will kill me but I had rather she should kill me then Love should kill her Ramb. I will save both your lives dear creature lead me quickly to her before her disease grows desperate Isab Well Sir you must send your man away nor must you know whither you go dear what am I going to do Ramb. Come along sweet Rogue Merry to your own affairs Exit Ramble Isabella Mer. I have a cursed itch to be following 'em and see whither they go they are gotten into Chairs and the Rogues are in their Trot Now they have turn'd the corner Let 'em go I 'le to my own honest conscientious Matrimonial affairs Exit Enter two Chairs The Scene a Room The Chairs are set down and Ramble and Isabella vizarded come out of them Isab I have brought you thus far Sir but Heaven knows how to lead you any further my wit is here at an end I dare not for my life introduce you Cannot you pretend some mistake or other Ramb. A thousand a thousand I will pretend some Mistress of mine had newly chang'd her Lodging and I mistook this for it Isab That will be excellent I see you want no wit upon these occasions But will you be faithful to my Ladies honour Sir and not trust your Man nor any Friend you have with a secret of such importance Ramb. I will cut out my tongue if I talk of it but in a dream Isab Dear Sir do well stay but a little bit of a minute whilst I run in and see in what humour my Lady is and I will come back and shew her Chamber Exit Isab Ramb. Ten thousand thanks my dear dear Providore Sent for by a young handsome Lady so her Instrument says she is to
days ago he is not come my daughter is debauch'd my Family dishonour'd and all by means of their breach of Articles it is not a Thousand Pound can make me Reparation I will not abate one farthing of what the Law will give me and I will also have a pluck with that worthy Gentleman Mr. Ramble I will try if there be no Law against inveigling young women to lewdness and naughtiness 't is more then break of day I 'le go get the Writ and Bailiffs and see it serv'd my self in person before she is up my Bummers shall have her in bed Exit SCENE Lord Drybone 's House Enter the Lord Drybone Lord Dr. Get my Coach ready quickly speaks within How now what rumbling's that Sis. a noise within Enter Sis. Sis. My Lord. Lord Dr. What 's the rumbling within Sis. Nothing my Lord but my Ladie 's packing up her things to be gone as you warn'd her last night Lord Dr. I had forgot it is she so capricious with me I 'le stay her if it be but to cross her Goes out and re-enters immediately pulling in Betty Frisque followed by a Porter with a Trunk Sirrah set down the Trunk to the Porter Betty Sirrah carry down the Trunk Lord Dr. Sirrah set it down or I 'le kick you down stairs Betty Sirrah carry it down or I 'le break your neck down stairs Lord Dr. Sirrah stay a while or I 'le run my Sword into you since you are so humoursome Gentlewoman take your choice your Trunks shall go and you shall stay or you shall go and your Trunks shall stay if I have not paid dear enough for you to have you be mine I am sure I have bought and paid enough for all that is in the Trunks to dispose of them Betty Well and I think I have paid dear enough for those things in enduring all your cross jealous peevish humours Lord Dr. What jealous humours I love you too well that 's my fault Betty Yes indeed you love me very well not to let me breathe so much as a mouthfull of fresh air once in a month and at home not to injoy an hour of quiet Lord Dr. Yes indeed I should do wisely to let you take the fresh air as you call it you never go to a Play but you fall in Love with some young fellow you never go to Hide-Park but you are enamour'd with some rich gilt Coach you never go to the Exchange but you have a violent passion for some rich Point of fourty or fifty pounds value that the Air is a dear Element to me your fresh Air costs me all my Earth almost Betty I fall in Love with some young fellow I deny your words I defie you or any one in England to prove the least falshood in me to you since I have known you and for the gilt Coaches and Points I have no more then what is convenient and necessary I am sure other women cost other men twice as much as I cost you here are some that I can name come to visit me in a morning sometimes with the richest Points and the gloriousest Petticoats would dazle ones eyes to see 'em I am sure the faces of some of 'em had need of 'em their beauties are like those of a Peacock all in their shining tails Lord Dr. Well there 's none of 'em all should outshine you if you would be good-humour'd Betty I do not know what you call good-humour'd if I had not the patience of a Saint I am sure I could not bear with your humours Lord Dr. Well well say no more I hate this wrangling have you any business at the Exchange this morning I am sending George thither Betty No not I. Lord Dr. Prithee give over these frumps and fooleries now I think on 't that Point you was offer'd for fourty pound was a good penniworth I 'le send for it Betty You may and you will but I 'le ha' none on 't Lord Dr. Shall he call at the Jewelers as he goes by for the Locket you had a mind to Betty What you will not for me Lord Dr. And well remembred I will make him bring Mr. Draw-well the Limner along with him I take it ill of him he has promis'd me to come any time this fortnight and put me off from time to time and yesterday he promis'd to be here this morning I will make him come and draw thee in these frumpish humours that thou mayst see how ill they become thee Betty He may come if he will but I won't sit Lord Dr. Nor have any occasion for the Point or the Jewels Betty No. Lord Dr. Then George may spare his labour well good morrow Betty Good morrow he offers to go and she stops him Well the duce take you what ails me to be so fond of nine and fifty what have you done to bewitch me she claps him on the cheek Lord Dr. Ah Cokes Betty You have given me some Love potion I am sure Lord Dr. Yes yes Assa-fotida and Garlick Betty Confess confess I could never be thus fond thus Lord Dr. Ah Betty Blind I am perfectly blind I don't see a wrinkle you appear a very Boy to me a very Cupid Lord Dr. Oh thou notorious wheedling slut shall I still put up such impudent abuses as these Betty Yes and be glad of 'em too Lord Dr. Well Age is an abominable thing it makes one pay dearer for the Lees the dregs the Vinegar of Love then Youth does for the sweetest briskest Juice of the Grape Well hussey George shall go I will pay the Tax you lay upon me but 't is hard a man should pay such devilish high Chimney-money and never have any fire Betty That 's none of my fault I am sure I blow oft enough Exeunt SCENE The Street Enter Sir Mannerly Shallow and Booby Sir Man Well did one ever see the like what a brave place is this London it is as the Song says the finest City-Town that ever I saw in my life Boo. Oh 't is a brave place 't is not a City 't is a great Country all o' houses Sir Man It is as the Poet says the habitation of the Gods Hominumque Deumque Boo. What is that numque umque an 't like your worship Sir Man Hominumque Deumque Deumque for Deorumque that is of Gods and men Boo. I never heard London call'd numque dumque before 't is a brave thing to be a Schollard how chance your worship never came to numque dumque till now but live in the Country all this while Sir Man Thou talk'st like an Ignoramus but I shall not trouble my self to instruct thee Well if I had known what a Gentile what a Gallant place London was my honourable Father should not have stay'd me in the Country though he would have married me to the finest Gentlewoman all round about given me his Mannor-house his Park his Fox-dogs and the best Hunting-Nags in the Stable neither Dogs nor Nags no