flattery as unbecoming men to no greater a person then a Bishop he answered that it was none of his fault but the Prelat's who carried his eares in his Feet Lord Wentworth AFter my Lord Wentworth Ancestor to the Earle of Cleveland had lost Calice through want of a sufficient Garrison being forced on a sudden by the Duke of Guise to a surrender who had failed of another great enterprise on Naples the Queen never dawed day but with the complaints of Quintili redde legiones render me Calice quite spent her selfe the Lord Chamberlain delivering her one night the Key she sighed and said this is not the key of Calice which was alwayes held for the Key of France Earle of Dorset ONE Captain Beale served my Lord with hats which he prized at high and excessive rates my Lord understanding by his Steward the rate of his bills sent for his Haberdasher Sir quoth my Lord what is your meaning to set me such prizes in which there is no conscience why my Lord quoth Captain Beale we citizens must ballance accounts if you do not pay me then you cheat me but if you do then I cheat your Lordship The grand Seignour DON John of Austria was Generall at the fight of Lepanto against the Turkes where he gave them a signall overthrow this being related to the Grand Seigniour who had lately taken the whole Kingdome of Cyprus from the Venetians he contentedly said that the losse of a Fleet to him was but as the shaving of his beard which would grow again but the losse of a Kingdom was like the lopping off a member Philip the second of Spain HE was of so rare a temper that after his invincible Armado was defeated upon the English Coasts and dispersed with winds driven about the Coast of Ireland back again upon the newes thereof he only said that he sent not out that Fleet to fight against the Windes Another time having writ expresses to Flanders when they were fairly copyed he gave them to his secretary to throw sand upon them who mistaking the box throw'd Ink in stead of it and wholly defaced them he said no more but went into his Chamber and transcribed them Colonel Massey IT is commonly reported that at the seige of Gloucester before the Citizens burnt down the suburbs after the King had summoned it Prince Rupert sent word to the Governour that if he yeilded not presently he would forthwith fire him out to which Collonel Massey returned let the Prince do so and I will meet and fight with him in the Flame Lady Lambert MUch talke there was of some familiarity betwixt Oliver Cromwell and my Lady Lambert upon the device of the Instrument of Government which was cheifly assisted by Lambert upon mutuall assurances that he should succeed in the protectorship when that project took effect in December 1653 it was said by a wag that Olivers Instrument was found in my Lady Lamberts Placket Olivers Commissioners of the Treasury THere was a great complaint of money as occasion enough in the publique receits as they called them in that Parliament which was called in 1656 great stir was made for a supply among the rest an Act was propounded for the better regulation of the Exchequer which some fingerers of that money as most of them were such would have only to look forward to the future management of it saith Thurloe the Secretary Gentlemen if a man hath lost his purse whether should he look backward or forward my Lord hath lost his Purse Harry Marten THis Antimonarchical Person being condemned for the execrable murther of King Charles was after sentence he coming in upon the Kings Proclamation brought before the House of Lords to shew cause why he should not suffer due execution of his judgement to which he returned answer that true it was he could not nor did expect any favour from that House whose extirpation he had endeavorured and as to the King he acknowledged he never had observed any of his or his predecessors Proclamations save one and for that he should be hanged Lord Bruce SIR Edward Sackvile afterwards Lord Dorset was challenged by this Lord to fight with him in the low Countreys upon some fend betwixt them in the duel they were both grievously wounded yet would not give over at last it was my Lord Dorsets fortune to throw him upon a close and having him at this advantage proffered him his life no quoth the Scotch Lord I scorne to accept it at the hands of an English man and I then scorne saith Dorset to give it to a Scotch man Monsiure Bellieure WHen the King was in the hands of the Scotch at Newcastle and bargained and sold by them to the English this Monsiure being the French Kings Ambassadour came thither and seeing the sale agreed upon departed at his going away Lashley sent a Guard of horse to bring him into the English Quarters where being arrived he called for the Corporall of the squadron and having a halfe Crown in his hand demanded of him what that peice was thirty pence Sir said he even for so much the Jewes betrayed our Saviour take this among you FINIS A TABLE OF THE NAMES OF Those PERSONS in these Collections  Folio HEnry the 8. 1 Queen Elizabeth 2 Lord Hunsden 3 Lord Treasurer 4 Lord cheife Justice 5 King Wardrope 6 Shoomaker no Gentleman 7 Sir William Clarke 8 Lord Spencer 9 Doctor Preston 10 Sir Thomas Moor. 11 Sir Horatio Pollavieini 13 Lord Bacon 14 Doctor Perne 15 Queen Elizabeth 17 Wood of Kent 18 Bishop Bancroft ibid A Pike 19 Apes 20 Lord William Ceeil 21 Master Sutton the founder of that Hospital 22 Sir Robert Dymock the Kings Champion 23 Sir Thomas Gresham 24 Cambridge Disputation 25 Sir John Cutts 26 The Countesse of Shrewsebury 27 Sir Arthur Chichester 28 Thomas Stukely 29 Earle of Oxford 30 A Bite 31 Master Richard Hackluit ibid Beggars Bush 32 Name 33 Sir Walter Rawleigh ibid An Italian Humor 34 Law Suit 35 Sir Francis Cheney 36 Earle of Carnarvon 37 Shipmoney 38 Coat of Armes 39 Extraction ibid Complement 40 King James 41 Bishops 42 Welchmen 43 Another ibid Bishop Gloucester 44 The Kings Porter 45 Parson Bull. 46 Lord Goring 47 Gentleman 48 Sir Henry Marten 49 Boots ibid Sir Gilbert Talbot 50 Sir Robert Naunton 51 A Learned Maide 52 Bishopricks 53 Marston Moore 54 Wales 55 Welch Gentleman ibid Lord Bacon 57 Another 58 Henry the 8. 59 Evesham Bridge 60. Organs 61. Queen Mary 62 Disputation 63 Lord Hunsdon 64 King Philip. 65 Terme 66 Stumps the Clothier 68 Sir Thomas Wyat. 69 Henry the 8. 71 King James a hunting 72 Sir Henry Rush 73 A Voyage 74 Hispaniola ibid Cardinal Wolsey 75 Ambition 76 A moral ibid Sir Thomas Roe 77 A Polish Ambassadour 78 Another 79 Another ibid Sr. Jerome Bowes 80 Another 81 A young Maide 82 A Spanish Captain 83 Margaret Countesse of Richmond 85 An Astrologer 86 An unadvised Statesman 87 Henry the
to dissemble himselfe a stranger to that Ceremony demanded of a stander-by what that Knight said to whom the party returned He challengeth any man to fight with him who dares deny your Highnesse to be the lawfull King of England If he will not fight with such a one said the King I will Sir Thomas Gresham OSterley House was built by Sir Thomas Gresham now it is Sir William Wallers where Sir Thomas entertained Queen Elizabeth Being there Her Majesty found fault with the Court of the House as too great affirming that it would appear more handsome if divided with a wall in the midle What doth Sir Thomas but in the night time sends for workmen from London who so silently and speedily followed their work that the next morning discovered that Court double which the night had left single before the Queen was very well pleased while a Courtier disported her with this quibble that it was no wonder he could so soon change a building who could build a Change Disputation AT an extraordinary Act of Divinity kept at Cambridge before King James when Dr. John Davenant was Answerer and Dr. Richardson amongst others the Oposer the Question was maintained in the Negative concerning the excommunication of Kings Dr. Richardson vigorously pressed the practice of St. Ambrose excommunicating the Emperour Theodosius insomuch that the King in some passion returned Truly it was most insolently done by St. Ambrose to whome Dr. Richardson replied This is a Majestick answer and befitting Alexander this is not to untie but cut the argument Sir John Cuts SIR John Cuts of Cambridg-shire was a most bountifull house-keeper as any of his estate insomuch that Queen Elizabeth in the beginning of her Reign whilest yet she had peace with Spain the sicknesse being at London ordered the Spanish Embassadour to this Knights house the Embassadour coming thither and understanding his name to be John Cuts conceived himselfe disparaged to be sent to one of so short a name the Spanish Gentlemen generally having voluminous names helpt and stuft out with Titles usually adding the place of their habitation for the elongation thereof But soon after that the Don found that what the Knight lacked in length of name he made up in the largnesse of his entertainment The Countesse of Shrewsbury MAry Queen of Scots Mother of King James being committed to the keeping of George Earle of Shrewsbury who had married a Lady of a notable pregnant and undaunted spirit the custody of so great a Princesse on the Earles cost was quickly by her found to be chargeable and which was worse dangerous the Papists of the kingdome daily practising her enlargement it hapned this Countesse coming to the Court Queen Elizabeth demanded of her how the Queen of Scots did Madam said she she cannot doe ill while she is with my Husband and I begin to grow jealous they are so great together Whereupon the Queen who liked not any familiarity of that royal Prisoner with so great and potent a Peer ordered her removall thence into the custody of others Sir Arthur Chichester SIR Arthur Chichester once Lord Deputy of Ireland being recalled thence was sent Ambassador to the Emperor by King James about that labour in vain of the Palatinate returning thence the place where he was the City of Maynchin was besieged by Count Tilly the Emperor's Generall to whom my Lord Chichester sent word that it was against the Law of Nations to besiege an Ambassador Tilly replyed That he took no notice he was an Ambassador the other rejoyned by the Messenger Had my Master sent me with as many hundred men as he hath sent me on fruitlesse messages hither your Generall should have known that I had been as well a Souldier as an Ambassador Thomas Stukely THomas Stukely the famous Glorioso was a younger Brother of an ancient wealthy and worshipfull Family neer Ilfracombe in the County of Devon having prodigally mispent his Patrimony he entred on severall projects which centred in a designe and perswasion of his being a Prince In this he was so confident that be blushed not to tell Queen Elizabeth that he preferred rather to he Soveraign of a Mole-hill then to be the highest Subject to the greatest King in Christendome adding moreover that he was assured he should be a Prince before his death I hope said Queen Elizabeth I shall hear from you when you are stated in your principality I will write unto you quoth Stukely In what language said the Queen He returned in the stile of Princes To our dear Sister Earle of Oxford HEnry Vere the seventeenth of that name Earle of Oxford and the last Lord Chamberlain of England of his Family whose sturdy nature would not bow to Court Complements but maintain what he spake came one day to the Court with a great milk white Feather about his Hat which was then somewhat unusuall save that a person of his merit might make a fashion a Lord an Enemy to his Family and one whose ancestors were blemished said in a way of jeer to him My Lord you wear a very fair Feather It is true said the Earl and if you mark it there 's ne're a Taint in it Indeed that Noble Family deserve their Motto Vero nil verius A Bite TWO Gentlemens Servants falling out one belonging to a Courtier of great place another to a Countrey Esquire fell at last to vye the noblenesse of their Masters and their superiority saith the one My master spends more in Mustard then thine in Beef whereunto the other returned The more sawcy men his Followers Mr. Richard Hackluit Mr. Richard Hackluit a very memorable person who writ that book of the English Voyages so usefull for all Sea-Men for which he deserves well of this Nation dying left a very fair Estate to an unthrift Son who embezilled it all away in a shamlesse manner vanting that be had cheated the covetous Usurer who had given him spick and span new money for the old land of his great great Grandfather Beggars Bush THere is a place called Beggars Bush in Huntingtonshire grown into a Proverb This is the way to Beggars Bush it happened that King James being in progresse in those parts with Sir Francis Bacon the Lord Chancellour having heard that morning that my Lord had prodigiously rewarded a mean man for a small present Sir Francis said he You will quickly come to Beggars Bush and I may even go along with you if both be so bountifull Name ONE immoderately boasted that there was not any of his name in all England and yet he was a Gentleman to whome one in the company returned I am sorry Sir you have never a good man of your name Sir Walter Rawleigh SIR Walter Rawleighs first admittance to Queen Elizabeths favour was from this occasion he was one day at Court after his coming out of Ireland in a very good habit his cloaths were then a considerable part of his Estate and there found the Queen walking till meeting
the kinnel where the Count shut up called out for help No quoth a stander by let him lye there ther 's a Proclamation we must not meddle with State matters Sir Thomas Moor. HAD only Daughters at the first one of whom at the last was of a very remarkable piety towards him and his wife did ever pray for a boy At last she obtained her wish the boy coming to mans estate proved but simple Sir Thomas thereupon said to his wife thou prayest so long for a boy that he will be a boy as long as he lives Another SIR Thomas Moor on the day he was beheaded had a Barber sent to him because his Beard and hear of his head was grown very long which was thought at Court would tender him the greater object of pity to the people The Barber accordingly came and asked him whether he would be pleased to be trim'd In good faith honest fellow said Sir Thomas the King and I have a Suit for my head and till the Title be cleared I will be at no cost about it Again THE same Sir Thomas when Lord Chancellor of England had sent him by a suiter in Chancery two silver Flagons When they were presented by the Gentlemans servant he said to one of his Men have him to the Celler and let him have of my best Wine and turning to the servant said Tell thy Master if he like it let him not spare it Courtiers IT is an old Adage that Princes Privados and Favourites of Kings were like casting Counters which are used in the Exchequer as in play to count by That sometimes they stand for one sometimes for ten sometimes for a hundred K. Hen. 8. IT is reported of Henry the eight that disguising himselfe in a mean habit he associated himselfe among some good fellowes in purpose to know what the people thought and said of him One of the company spoke something freely of him giving him a character which the King knew was not much out of the way Whome the King as a wary Concellour advised not to make discourses of Princes For if he should prayse them he should lye and if he dispraysed them he brought himselfe into danger Lord Chancellor Hatton IN his time when the Councellours of two Parties set forth the Limits and Boundaries of the Land in question by the Plat And the Councell of one part said we lye on this side my Lord and the Councell of the other part said and we lye on this side The Lord Chancellor arose and said If you lye on both sides whom will you have me to beleive Lord Chief Justice Richardson A Dilatory suit had been some time depending in the Kings Bench before him which the Plaintiffe could not bring to tryall at last he obtained a peremptory day the Desendant moved again for some reasons shewed desired a longer day 'T was in Trinity Terme quoth Judge Richardson you shall have the longest the Court can grant take the 11th of June Saint Barnabies day Philip the Second WHen Philip the second conquered Portugall he gave speciall charge to his Leiutenant that the Souldiers should not spoile lest thereby the hearts of the people should be alienated it came by this meanes to passe that the Army suffered much want of victuall Whereupon the Spanish Souldiers thereafter used to say That they had won the King a kingdome on Earth as the Kingdome of Heaven useth to be won by fasting and abstaining from that which is another Mans. A Courtier in Debt THere was a Courtier that dyed greatly in debt when the report of his death came to some company where divers of his Creditors usually met that he was dead one began to say Well if he be gone then he hath carried 500 l. of mine with him into the other World and another said 200 l. of mine and a third spake of great sums of his Whereupon one that was amongst them said I perceive now that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him into the other World yet he may carry away that which is another mans Another A Gentleman who had a debt due from a Lord lately returned into England by Bond came to him and acquainted his Lordship with it who referred him to his Steward or Solliciter at his Addresse to him he looks upon the Bond and seeing it to be of an old standing ever since 40. quoth he sir I have nothing to say to this this is an old debt replyed the other in a little heat hath your Lord contracted any new ones I thought there had been no more mad Men in England to have trusted them In the Land of Hispaniola UPon the landing of the English Army upon that place Proclamation was made that no man should plunder or take any Plate Bullion or Jewels upon pain of death the thirst and heat of travell did not more afflict and diminish their strength then the Proclamation abated their courage so that one merrier then the rest after their defeat said the General had done well to have prohibited their stripping the naked Molattos of their Breeches and Doublets also when they should fall into their hands Parliament Coyne A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out of that money taking it in his hand and turning it backward and forward when he had read the circumscription of it said Here are crosses enough I trow me but how long they shall last I know not for I see here the Common-wealth of England and God with Vs are not of one side Lord Treasurer WHen my Lord came first to be Lord Treasurer he complained to the Lord Chancellor Bacon of the troublesomnesse of the place for that the Exchequer was so empty The Lord Chancellor answered my Lord be of good cheer for now you shall see the Bottom of your businesse at the first A Present WHen peace was renewed with the French in England divers of the great Counsellors were presented from the French with Jewels The Earle of Northampton being then a Privy Counsellor was omitted whereupon the King said to him my Lord how happens it that you have not a Jewell as the rest my Lord answered according to the Fable in Aesop non sum Gallus ideoque non reperi Gemmam Lord Bacon WHen Sir Francis Bacon was made the Kings Attorney Sir Edward Coke was put from being Lord Chiefe Justice of the common Pleas to that of the Kings Bench which was observed before as a place above it in dignity below it in profit My Lord Coke meeting with Sir Francis Master Atturney saith he this change is all your doing it is you that have made this stir My Lord replyed he your Lordship hath all this while grown in bredth you must needs now grow in height or else you would be a Monster Judge Popham MAster Sarjeant Popham afterwards Lord Chiefe Justice Popham who said he would make the Road so safe that a man might travell with a white Wand in his hand and performed
his word when he was chosen Speaker of the House of Commons who had sate long done nothing in effect coming one day to Queen Elizabeth she said unto him Now Master Speaker what hath passed in the House of Commons He answered if it please your Majesty seven weekes Pace PAce the bitter and tart fool was not suffered to come at Queen Elisabeth because of his bitter humor yet at one time some perswaded the Queen to admit him undertaking for him that he should keep within compasse so he was brought to her and the Queen said come on Pace now we shall hear of all our faults quoth Pace I do not use to talke of that which all the Town talkes of Bishop Latimer BIshop Latimer said in a sermon at Court that he heard great speech that the King was poor and many wayes were propounded to make him rich For his part he had thought of one way which was that they should help the King to some good Office for all his Officers were very rich Mendoza MEndoza that was viceroy of Peru was wont to say that the Government of Peru was the best place the King of Spain gave save that it was too near Madrid A Country man A Certain Countryman being at an Assizes and seeing the Prisoners holding up their hands at the Barr related to some of his acquaintance that the Judges were good for tune tellers For if they did but look upon a mans hand they could tell whether he should live or dye A Pursivant THere was a Pursivant had lodged a Gentleman in a very ill Room who expostulated with him somewhat rudely But the Pursivant carelessely replyed you will take pleasure in it when you are out of it Admiralty Mr. Giles Merrick a landed Man in the Bermudas was saying that his great Grandfather grandfather and Father died at Sea said another that heard him And I were as you I would never come at Sea why quoth the other where did your great Grandfather and grandfather and Father dye he answered where but in their beds he returned and I were as you I would never come in bed again Sir Francis Bacon WHile Sir Nicholas Bacon the Lord Keeper lived every room in Gorhambury was served with a Pipe of water from the ponds distant about a mile from thence soon after during the habitation of Master Anthony Bacon the eldest Son of Sir Nicholas in the same House the water ceased Master Anthony dying and my Lord Verulam inheriting it the water could not be recovered without great charge Being made Lord Chancellor he thereupon built Verulam House close by the pond yard for a place of recesse and privacy when he was to do any important business being one time asked why he built that House there he answered that since he could not carry the water to his House he would carry his House to the water Another A Lady walking with Mr Bacon in in Grayes Inne walkes asked him whose that peice of ground lying next under the walls was he answered theirs Then she asked him if those feilds beyond the walkes were theirs too he answered yes Madam those are ours as you are ours to look on and no more Sir Francis Bacon WHen Sir Francis Bacon was newly advanced to the great seal Count Gondamor came to visit him and to complement him on the Honor confer'd on him my Lord reply'd That he was to thank God and the King for that Dignity but yet so he might be rid of the burden he could very willingly forbear the Honour and that he formerly had a desire and the same continued with him still to lead a private life Count Gondomar replyed I will tell your Lordship a Tale of an old Rat that would needs leave the world and therewith acquainted the young Rats that he would retire into his Hole and spend his dayes solitarily and would enjoy no more comfort commanding them upon his high displeasure not to offer to come in unto him In obedience to this command they forbare 2. or 3. dayes at last one that was more hardy then the rest incited some of his fellowes to go in with him and he would venture to see how his Father did for he might be dead They accordingly went in and found the old Rat sitting in the midst of a rich Parmezan Cheese my Lord laughed but his necessityes after that employment agreed not with the Fable Lord Henry Howard IN the time of Queen Elizabeth when the distressed Estates of Holland supplicated the Queen for assistance there came one Agent from them called Caroon and when he had often moved the Queen for further succours and more Men my Lord Henry Howard jested upon him thus That he agreed well the name of Charon Ferry man of Hell for he came still for more men to encrease Regnum Vmbrarum Sir Fulke Grevil Lord Brook SIr Fulke Grevil being then a Member of the House of Commons when that House in a great business large debate stood much upon Precedents said unto them why do you stand so much upon Precedents The times hereafter will be good or bad if good precedents will do no harm if bad power will make a way where it findes none Affected Gravity MAny men especially such as affect Gravity have a manner after other mens speech to shake their head A principall officer of this Land used to say it was as men shake a bottle to see if there were any wit in their Heads or no. Arch-Bishop of Canterbury IN discourse of the Puritans and non conformists of the times who pretended to a greater measure of piety and sanctity this Arch-Bishop replyed That some hypocrites and seeming mortyfied men which held down their Heads were like the little Images in the Vaults or Roofs of Churches which look and bow down as if they held up the Church when as they bear no weight at all A Tilting IN Queen Elizabeths time when Tilt and Tourney and running at the ring was much in Fashion there came a Gentleman all in Orange tawney and ran very ill the next day he came again all in Green and ran worse there was one of the lookers on asked another what is the reason that this Gentleman changeth his colours the other answered I thinke because it may be reported that the Gentleman in the Green ran worse then the Gentleman in the Orange Tawney Sultan Selymus SVltan Selymus was the first of the Ottoman Emperours that did shave his beard as Busbequius reports whereas his Predecessors wore it long one of his Bashawes therefore asked him the question why he altered the custome of his progenitors he replyed because you Bashawes shall not lead meby the beard as you did them Consalvo the great Captain AFter a great fight there came to the Camp of Consalvo the great Captain a Gentleman proudly horsed and armed another Spanish Captain asked Consalvo who that Gentleman was who answered It is Saint Ermin who never appeares but after the storm Sir
8. 88 Cardinal Wolsey 89 A memorable thing 90 The Cardinal of Lorrain 91 Emperour Maximilian 92 King Charles the first 94 Generall Monke ibid Philip Landgrave of Hesse 95 A Fryar confessour 97 A Matron 98 A Lyar. 99 Ben. Johnson ibid Lewis the 12 of France 100 A Cavalier ibid The little or foolish Parliament 101 Peter House in Cambridge 103 Count Maurice of Nassau and Spinola ibid A Coward 104 Goldsmiths Hall 105 Count Gundomar ibid Sir Thomas Moore 106 Another 107 Again ibid Courtiers 108 Henry the 8. ibid Lord Chancellor Hatton 109 Lord Cheife Justice Richardson 110 Philip the second ibid A Courtier in Debt 111 Another 112 Hispaniola 113 Parliament Coine ibid Lord Treasurer 114 A present 115 Lord Bacon ibid Judge Popham 116 Pace the Fooll 117 Bishop Latimer ibid Mendoza 118 A Country man at Assizes ibid A Pursivant 119 Admiralty ibid Sir Francis Bacon 120 Another 121 Sir Francis Bacon ibid Lord Henry Howard 123 Sir Fulke Grevil Lord Brook ibid Assected Gravity 124 Arch Bishop of Canterbury ibid A Tilting 125 Sultan Selymus 126 Consalvo the Great Captain ibid Sir Henry Wotton 127 Businesse ibid Robert Earle of Leicester 128 Earle of Essex ibid Caesar Borgia 129 A Court Maxim 130 Sir Nicholas Bacon 131 Cornbury Parke 131 Knights ibid French Massacre 133 Treasure 134 Retinue ibid Henry the Fourth 135 Proud Prelate 136 Lord Wentworth 137 Earle of Dorset ibid Philip the second of Spain 138 Collonel Massey ibid The Grand â—ignour 139 Lady Lambert 140 Olivers Commissioners of the Treasury 141 Harry Martin 142 Lord Bacon 143 Monsieur Bellicure ibid FINIS To the Reader THE Reader is desired to excuse the Collector of these Jocoseria is in some places Names be wanting for it was neither safe nor satisfactory ADVERTISEMENT THere is lately Printed the History of the Commons War throughout these three Nations of England Scotland and Ireland The like exact account never before Printed faithfully Collected by an impartiall Hand Sold by Joshua Coniers at the black Raven in the long Walke neer Christchurch Bookes lately Published THE English â—ove◠〈…〉 worth Gold both 〈…〉 Actâ—â— with general applause now newly formed into a Romaâ—ce by the acâ—â—aâ—â— Peâ— of I. â— Gent. A Compendious Chronicle of the Kingdom of Portugall from Alphonso the first King to Alphonso the sixth now reigning Those excellent Fancies intituled Don Juan Lamberto or a Comical History of our late Times first and second Part by Montelion Knight of the Oracle ☞ A new English Grammer for Forreigners to learn English with a Grammer for the Spanish or Castilian Tongue with special Remarkes on the Portugues Dialect for the service of her Majesty whom God preserve The Life and Death of that reverend Divine and excellent Historian Dr. Thomas Fuller lately deceased Studii Legalis Ratio or Directions for the study of the Law under these heads the Qualifications for the Nature Meanes Method Time and Place of the Study by W. Phillips of Grayes Inn c. price one shilling Bookes in the Press ready to publish this Tearme AN Exact Collection of the choicest Songs and Poems from 1639. to 1661. Relating to these Times Written by the most eminent Wits A new Discovery of the French Disease and Running of the Reines their Causes Signes with plain and easy direction of perfect curing the same by R. Bunworth the second Edition corrected with large Additionals The Poor Schollar a Comedy All sold by H. Marsh at the Princes Armes in Chancery lane near Fleet-street
peice of Arras presenting the Sea-sight in 88. which at severall audiences of Ambassadors hath been used for magnificence in the banqueting House as in Cromwels usurpation and wherein were wrought the living portractures of the cheifest Commanders in that service on a time a Captain who highly prized himselfe and his valour in that naval fight coming to Court and missing his picture therein complained of the injury to his friend professing of himselfe that he merited a place there as well as some therein remembred for that he was engaged in the middle of the fight Be content said his friend thou hast been an old Pyrate and art reserved for another hanging A Shoomaker no Gentleman SIr Philip Calthrop a very merry Gentleman of the County of Norfolk being newly come from Court where he had observed the fashion to be upon great dayes in those times of Henry the seaventh to wear gownes of light coloured cloath sent to his Taylor in Norwich as much cloth of fine French Tawney as would make him such a vesture It happened one John Drakes a Shoomaker of some wealth coming into the shop liked it so well that he went bought of the same as much for himself enjoyning the Tailor to make it exactly after the fashion he made the Knights who sending for his Gowne by his servant he espied another of the same in the shop and enquiring whose it was the Master told him and the order he had for the making it up This being told sir Philip he sent a new command that the Taylor should cut in his as many holes and slashes as his knife and sheares could find place for and so send it him which he did and accordingly cut the Shoomakers in the very same manner and carried it home where Prince Crispin began to be wroth but understanding it was the mode that the Knights was made his combe fell saying he would be a Gentleman no more Sir William Clark SIR William Clark a Gentleman much conversant in Court a great Masquer and acceptable to the Ladies being a man of excellent shape and goodly feature and proportion was one night at a Masque in Whitball where were present King JAMES and Queen Anne after a scene or two he having some Office or charge for that night while the stage was free passed over to the other side about some businesse and with such a stately and strutting pace befitting his present employment that a Lady knowne unto him thinking to put a jeere upon him said Sir pray have a care you hurt not your selfe by stradling so wide I wonder what ayles you to whom he he presently and openly retorted In troth Madam if you had that betwixt your legs which I have it would make you straddle a great deal wider Lord Spencer RObert Lord Spencer Baron of Wormleighton being a Man of a quick and clear spirit speaking one day in Parliament of the valour of their English Ancestors in defending the Liberties of the Nation the Earle of Arundel stood up and replyed your Ancestors were keeping of sheep that Lord and his Predecessors being known for the greatest Sheep-masters in England when those Liberties were defended If they were a keeping of sheep returned the other yours were then in plotting of Treason This animosity for the present cost both of them a confinement yet so that afterwards the upper House ordered reparations to this Lord Spencer as first and causelessely provoked Doctor Preston DOctor Preston was the greatest Pupil-monger in England in Mans memory having sixteen fellow Commoners most Heires to faire estates admitted in one year in Queens Colledge and provided convenient accomodations for them As William the popular Earle of Nassaw Prince of Aurange was said to have won a subject from the King of Spain to his own party every time he put off his Hat so it was commonly said in the Colledge that every time Mr. Preston plucked off his Hat to Dr. Davenant the Master he gained a Chamber or Study for one of his Pupils among whom one Chambers a Londoner was eminent for his learning Being afterwards chosen himselfe Master of Emanuel Colledge he removed thither with most of his Pupils and when it was much admired where all these should find lodging in that Colledge which was so full already one replyed Mr. Preston will carry Chambers along with him Sir Thomas More SIR Thomas More being committed to the Tower for refusing the Oath of Supremacy being as in his time it was the custome and also to our memory observed that the Prisoners there were not dieted at their own but the Kings charges the Lieutenant of the Tower providing their food for them when the said Lieutenant one day said unto him by way of complement that he was sorry his Commons were no better I like said Sir Thomas the dyet very well and if I dislike it turn me out of Doores A Courtier coming to him while in restraint with proffer of mercy from the King if he would comply with his Majesties will and take the said Oath he replyed that His minde was now changed whereupon the Courtier departed and told the King that Sir Thomas would submit himself to his grace in that matter which the King willing to accept gave him order to repaire to the Tower again and receive it in a forme under his hand At his return challening Sir Thomas with his promise he wondring told him that he meant only by changing his minde that whereas he had resolved to shave himselfe before his Execution he would now let his beard suffer with his head to the abashment of the man who so confidently had informed the King of Sir Thomas his conversion The same Sir Thomas during his Chancellorship had his Lady well attended by a handsome retinue especially at going to Church living then in Chelsey where her Gentleman-usher alwayes after my Lord was out of his seat after Sermon used to wait upon his Lady telling her Madam my Lord is gone It hapned that upon this score of the supremacy sir Thomas was put from that dignity whereupon the next Sunday after as soon as Church was done having the week before dismist most of his servants intending to live privately he came to his Ladies Pew himselfe and said unto her alone in passing Madam my Lord is gone meaning the Chancellor and so walkt home before her Sir Pallavicin Horatio ONe Seignior Pallavicin a Genoese who lived in England a kin to Sir Horatio boasting of his Nobility and high extraction as descended from an illustrious House was thus answered by a blunt Citizen who from mean Parentage had risen to great wealth reputation and honor and so I saith he also am come of an illustrious House where the Sun constantly shone through the rotten walls and roofes thereof My Lord Bacon IT is storied of my Lord Bacon to his advantage that when he was Lord Chancellor he had two servants one in all causes Patron to the Plaintiffe whom charity presumed always
injured the other to the Defendant pittying him as compelled to Law but taking bribes of both with this condition to restore the money if the Cause went against them Their Lord ignorant hereof alwayes did impartial justice whilest his two serants making people pay for what was given them by compact shared the money between them which in conclusion cost the Master the losse of his Office Dr. Perne DOctor Perne Master of Peter house and Dean of Ely in Cambridge this Person was very facetious and excellent at blunt sharp jests and loved that kind of mirth even so as to be noted for his wit in them This Dean chanced to call a Clergy-man fool that indeed was little better who replyed that he would complain thereof to the Lord Bishop of Ely Do saith the Dean when you will and my Lord Bishop will confirm you Yet was Doctor Perne himselfe at last heart-broken with a jest being at Court in the time of Queen Elizabeth with Archbishop Whitgift his Pupil It seemes he was noted to have altred his religion with the several raignes of Hen. 8. Ed. 6. Q. Mary and Queen Elizabeth It fell out at his being there as aforesaid the Queen was disposed and resolved that afternoon for all it rained very hard to goe abroad contrary to the mind of her Ladies on Horseback Coaches not being then common who were to attend her Now one Clod the Queen's Jester was employ'd by the Courtiers to laugh the Queen out of so inconvenient a journey which he performed in this manner Heaven quoth he Madam disswades you it is cold and wet and Earth disswades you it is moist and dirty Heaven disswades you this Heavenly minded man Archbishop Whitgift and Earth disswades you your fool Clod such a lump of clay as my selfe And if neither will prevaile with You here is one that is neither Heaven nor Earth but hangs betwixt both Doctor Perne and he also disswades you hereat the Queen and the Courtiers laughed heartily whilst the Doctor withdrew himselfe to Lambeth and there dyed out of meer conceit of this publick dictery Queen Elizabeth QUeen Elizabeth was of an undaunted courage so that once a prime Officer with a white staffe whose name for his honorable Posterities sake shall be passed by coming into her presence the Queen willed him to confer such a place now void on one of her Servants whom she commended unto him Please your Highnesse Madam said the Lord the disposall hereof pertaineth to me by vertue of this white stasse conferred upon me True said the Queen yet I never gave you the office so absolutly but I still reserved my selfe of the Quorum But of the Quarum Madam replied he presuming on her favor hereat the Queen in some passion snatching the staffe out of his hand You shall acknowledge me said she of the Quorum Quarum Quorum before you have your staffe againe Wood of Kent NIcholas Wood I cannot but observe him as a living jest and merriment of the times though the greatest grief and sorrow to himself imaginable through his Caninus Appetitus or doggish appetite he was a Landed Man and true Labourer he would eat provision for twenty men at a meal a whole Hogg at a sitting and at another time thirty dozen of Pigeons this by the modern trenchermen is called playing at a bit and so is rancked here in that Topick Bishop Bancroft THIS excellent Prelate was very much abused by virulent tongues and pens of the Puritan party being he that managed the Conference at Hampton-Court so learnedly and acutely so that as Mithridates their venemous tongues became food to him Once a Gentleman coming to visit him presented him a libell lye because false bell because loud which he found posted on his door who nothing moved hereat Cast it said he to an hundred more which lie here upon a heap in my Chamber A Pike IT is known of what voracity Pikes are being called the Tyrants of Rivers Once a Cub-Fox drinking out of the river Arnus in Italy had his head seized on by a mighty Pike so that neither could free themselves but were ingrapled together in this contest a young man runs to the water takes them both out alive and carrieth them to the Duke of Florence whose Palace was near thereunto The Porter would not admit him without promising of sharing his full halfe in what the Duke should give him To which he hopeless otherwise of Entrance condescended The Duke highly effected with the rarity was on giving him a good reward which the other refused desiring his Highness would appoint one of his guard to give him a hundred Lashes that so the Porter might have fifty according to his Composition Apes THere is a sort of Apes in India caught by the Natives thereof in this manner they dresse a little boy in his sight and undresse him again leaving all the Childs aparell behind them and then depart a convenient distance The Ape presently atyreth himselfe in the same garments till the Childs cloathes become his chains putting of his feet by putting on his Shoos as most of our Gallants doe for French fashions leaving the old English manners Lord William Cecill HE was Secretary and Lord Treasurer to Queen Elizabeth for about 30. yeares together Ancestor of the Earle of Exeter being Moderator Auleae steering the Court at his pleasure and whilest the Earle of Leicester would endure no equal and Sussex no Superiour therein he by sideing with neither served himselfe with both Incredible was the kindnesse which Queen Elizabeth had for him or rather for her selfe in him being sensible that he was so able a Minister of State coming once to visit him being sick of the Gourt at Burley house in the Strand and being much heightned with her head attire then in fashion the Lords servant who conducted her through the door May your Highnesse said he be pleased to stoop the Queen returned For your Masters sake I will stoop but not for the King of Spain Sutton the Founder of that Hospital HE got his Estate by being Pay-master at Berwick under the Queen and by being thrifty and frugall in that employment and then turned merchant He had a merchant his Comrade with whom he had Company in common but their charges were several to themselves when his friend in travel called for two Fagots Mr Sutton called for one when his friend called for halfe a Pint of Wine Mr Sutton for a Gill underspending him a moiety at last Mr Sutton hearing of his Friends Death and that he left but fifty thousand pounds Estate I thought said he he would die no rich Man who made such needlesse Expences The Kings Champion SIr Robert Dimock being by inheritance the Kings Champion at the Coronation of Henry the 7. came on Horseback into Westminster Hall where the King according to custome dined and casting his Gauntlet on the ground challenged any who durst question the Kings right to the Crown King Henry being pleased
her a Goat was espied by a merry fellow one of her Warders to be walking alone with her where upon taking the goat on his shoulders he in all hast hurried him to Sir Harry I pray said he examine this fellow whom I found walking with her Grace but what talke they had I know not not understanding his Language he seems to me a stranger and I believe a Welchman by his freize Coat Another THomas ap William ap Thomas ap Richard ap Howell ap Evan ap Vaughan c. Esquire being born of Worshipfull parentage at Moston in this County was empannelled of a Jury by the aforesaid Names in the reign of King Henry the Eight whereupon by the advice of the Judge his name was contracted he consenting to it into Moston the place of his Nativity and ancient Inheritance This leading case was a precedent to the practice of other Gentrey in Wales who leaving their Pedigrees at Home carry only one Sir-name abroad with them whereby much time especially in winter when the dayes are short is gained for better employment Bishop of Gloucester DOctor Goodman Bishop Gloucester in the raign of King Charles the first when he dyed declared himselfe by his will a Roman Catholick an intimation whereof he gave at the convocation in 1640. where he refused to subscribe the Canons and was therefore and for other Erroneous opinions inprisoned by his Brother Prelates was wont to say complayning of our first Reformers that Bishop Ridley was a very odd Man to whom one presently returned He was indeed an odd Man my Lord for all the Popish party in England could not match him with his equall in learning and Religion The Kings Porter WIlliam Evans Porter to King Charls the first was a Welchman of Monmouthshire and may justly be accounted a Giant for his stature being full 2. yards and a halfe in height He succeeded Walter Parsons who would take two of the biggest of the Guard under each arme as a liver and gizard and so carry them exceeded him 2. inches in Height but far beneath him in an equall proportion of body for he was not only what the Latines call Compernis knocking his knees together and going out squalling with his feet but also bandylegd a little yet he made a shift to dance at an Antimasque in Court where he drew little Jeffery out of his pocket first to the wonder then to the laughter of the Beholders Parson Bull. UPON the happy and most auspicious restauration of our Soveraign to his Kingdomes one Parson Bull a Minister who had as loyally as learnedly maintained and asserted his Majesties cause had a benefice of some value conferred on him by the Kings gift but before his Patent could be sealed the Lord Chancellour upon some presentation had disposed it or some way it happened that he was hindred so that the Parson had spent all his money in towne in attending of it One day therefore seeing his money grew short he put his hand in his pocket and finding nothing there but the Kings Grant with his hand to it he went confidently to his Majesty and told Him that he had lost all the money out of his pocket and found none but his Majesties hand therein at which the King smiled and asked him if his business was not dispatched he replied no Thereupon he was expressely recommended to the Chancellour for expedition of his Patent who at his addresse understanding him to be a wit said unto him pray what 's your name Bull said the Parson where are then your Hornes said my Lord if it please your Lordship replyed he the Hornes alwayes go with the Hide Lord Goring GEorge Earle of Norwich Lord Goring being sentenced by the High Court of justice for that same crime of Loyalty with the ever Honourable Lord Capell for their most noble defence of the Town Colchester in 1648. was at the point of death by the potent intercession of the Spanish Ambassador reprieved from Execution which Duke Hambleton Earle of Holland and Lord Capell deplorably suffered This Earle being visited after this reprieve and asked how he did answered I had thought to have pulled off my Doublet but now I have leisure to Hooke up my Breeches A Gentleman A Gentleman coming to Court as he was lighting out of his Coach asked a Page or Lacquy that retained to some Person therein very hastily what a Clock it was to whom the lad said Sir what will you give me then The Gentleman wondering at the boy asked him what he meant by it Sir saith he I would not have you mistake your selfe We Courtiers doe nothing without money Sir Henry Martin SIR Henry Martin Father to the unfortunate Harry Martin a criminal in the horrid murder of the King was a very fine Gentleman and a very learned Person By King James he was worthily advanced in the sphere of his study the civil Lawes wherein he was very eminent to be Judge of the Prerogative for Probate of Wills and also of the admiralty in Cases concerning foreign traffique so that as King James used to say pleasantly That he Sir Henry was a mighty Monarch in his jurisdiction over Land and Sea the living and the dead Boots WHen Doctor John Gostin was last Vice Chancellor of Cambridge being Master of Caius Colledge and an excellent Physician it was highly penal for any Scholar to appear in Boots it being not thought civil Now a Scholar undertook for a small wager much beneath the penalty to addresse himselfe booted to the vice Chancellor which was thought a dangerous presumption so carrying an Urinal in his hand he craved his advice for a cure of an hereditary numnesse in his Legs which he was fain to keep thus warm The Doctor pittyed him and dismist him with a remedy to boot with his wager Sir Gilbert Talbot SIR Gilbert Talbot being made Governor of Calis by King Henry the eight upon some advice or suspition that the French had some sudden design upon the place by surprisal was commanded peremptorily that presently and carefully he should look to his charge and fortifie the Town to whom sir Gilbert replyd being unprovided of necessaries as briefly as bluntly That without money he could neither fortify nor fiftify Sir Robert Naunton ONE Master Wiemark a wealthy Man a great Newes-monger and constant Pauls walker hearing the newes that day of the beheading of Sir Walter Rawleigh His head said he would do very well on the shoulders of Sir Robert Naunton then Secretary of State to King James These words were complained of and Wiemark summoned to the Privy Councel where he pleaded for himselfe that he intended no disrespect to Master Secretary whose known worth was above all detraction Only he spake in reference to an old proverb Two heads are better then one And so for the present he was dismissed Not long after when rich men were called on for a Contribution for St. Pauls Wiemark at the Councel Table subscribed a hundred
pound when Mr Secretary told Him two Hundred was better then one which betwixt Feare and Charity Wiemark was fain to subscribe A Learned Maide A Certain learned Maid being presented to King James as a mirrour of her Sexe for her skill in Languages Hebrew Greek and Latin besides the French c. which she could perfectly write and speak The King without any wonderment askt of her introducers if she could spin and some waggish Courtiers answer'd If it please your Majesty she is at age to chuse what occupation she pleaseth Bishopricks JOHN WATSON Deane of Winchester being informed that the Bishoprick thereof being vacant would be confered on him came to the Earle of Leicester the great Favourite and privately promised him two hundred pounds that he might not be made Bishop of Winchester but remain in his present Condition The Bishoprick being void and the Queen expressing her intention to confer it on Watson the said Earle requested the Contrary and would have used arguments against his Nomination but that not serving he was forced to tell the Queen that he had promised two hundred pounds to him to keep him from that dignitie and it would be so much out of his way Nay then said the Queen Watson shall have it he being more worthy to have it who will give two hundred pounds to decline it then he that will give 2000 P. to attain it Marston Moor. ON that fatal day to the Royal cause the Lord Goring in the begining of the Battel which was about 3. a Clock in the afternoon July 2. 1644 having with great valour and courage routed the left wing of the Parliament Army wherein the Scots were placed under Lashley their Generall who upon the rout fled a Yorkeshire mile and weabit the lord Diddup a Scotch Baron lately made therein happened to be killed when the account of the battel was given to the king he came to be mentioned as a ballance to my Lord Cary eldest son of the Earle of Monmouth slain on the Kings side At the naming of which Scotch Lord his Majesty said That he hardly remembred that he had such a Lord in Scotland to which one returned That the Lord had wholly forgotten that he had such a King in England Wales A Right worshipfull Knight in Wales who had a fair Estate therein his rents arising from much barren ground heard an Englishman perhaps out of much opposition to brag that he had in England so much ground worth fourty shillings an Acre you said he have ten yardes of Velvet and I have tenscore yardes of Freize I will not Exchange with you A Welch Gentleman KING James riding late home from Theobalds to Whitehall it happened that in the mid way it fell a raining very hard whereupon the King who before kept a due pace befitting his Majesty commanded his retinue and the Gentlemen neer Him to put on and make what speed they could Among the rest there was present a Welchman a retainer to the Earle of Pembroke but newly admitted to some Office and attendance on him who by the trick or slighting of the Groome had a very ill Horse put upon him Assoon as the word was given from the King the Traine flew with swiftnesse and the King with them The Welchman he spurred and fluttered with his legs to keep pace with him and with much busle headed the party neer the Kings Person where he fell a belabouring his Horse as if he were mad the King hearing the stir he made demanded who it was and what was the matter who replyed an 't please Her Majesty Her is as good a Shentleman as the best of them but Her Cattel cannot travell so fast Lord Bacon A Parliament being called in the year 1621. Francis Bacon Lord Chancellor was outed his office for bribery the frequent receiving whereof by him or his was plainly proved yet for all this his taking just and unjust he was exceeding poor and much indebted wherefore when motion was made in the House of Commons of fineing him some thousand of pounds Sir F. S. a noble Member standing up desired that for two reasons his Fine might be mitigated into fourty shillings First because that would be paid whereas a greater summe would only make a noise and never be payed secondly the shame would be the greater when such his prodigality that he who had been so large a taker in offices was reduced to such penury that fourty shillings should be conceived a sufficient Fine for his Estate So that what he got by the tryals at Barre as Attorney he lost by the tryals at Barre as Chancellour Another THE same Sir Francis having once invited Queen Elizabeth to his Mannour of Gorhambury a pleasant seat now in the possession of the Honourable Sir Harbotle Grimston Master of the Rolles the Queen was much taken with the scituation contrivance and beauty of the Fabrick but as her constant custome was to be a Critick in Architecture told Sir Francis that the House had but one fault it was too little to which Sir Francis replyed Madam that is not the Houses fault but yours who have made me the Master too great for it K. Hen. 8. KING Henry being a hunting came to the Abbot of Readings House to dinner to whom soon after he had little or rather a big stomack and found a Surloine of Beefe then so named by the King ready for dinner the Abbot not knowing who he was not guessing it by his small retinue bid him welcome and set the Beefe before him On which the King fed heartily while the Abbot no niggard or unhospitable Preist merryly smild to see him lay no so saying in a jest Sir I would give a hundred pounds I had as good a stomack and could feed so but my appetite is quite lost say you so thought the King having thankt the Abbot departed A weeke after he sends a Pursivant to bring the Abbot up to the Councell Table by whom without further examination he was committed to the Tower where the King had given expresse order that he should be kept with a very spare dyet and no releife admitted besides this dyet soon brought up the Gentlemans stomack so that he could be glad to have had a suffolke cheese and a twelfpeny loafe set before him being in this way to his cure the King appointed a Surloine to be made ready and came and dined with him where the Abbot taking him for a friendly visitant upon the mending of his commons fed lustily Loe saith the King am not I a good Doctor your Physick shall cost you but 50. pounds for your Fees the other halfe you shall keepe and if ever you fall into the same disease pray send for me And so gave him his liberty Evesham Bridge DUring our late unnatural Warre this Evesham was made a Garrison by the King and Collonel William Leg Governour thereof storm'd afterwards by Collonel Massey with much bravery and as well maintained It happened in