hope I shall be shortly Parrot Come we will go and chide your Husband that he hath been maried a week and his Wife not with child Lady Gosling Yes pray goe chide him and I will bear your company Exeunt Scene 45. Enter the Prince and Princess PRincess Sir pray perswade the unmaried Ladies to dance for I cannot intreat them Prince That 's strange for Ladies will dance without intreating for no intreating will make them sit still Princess It seems they are not in their dancing-humour to day for every one finds some excuse for to deny Prince Let them alone and take no notice of their reserved humours and they will dance without intreating nay they will intreat you they may dance Enter a Gentleman Gentlem. If it please your Highness the Ladies desire you would give them leave to Celebrate your Mariage with their Mirth and to express their Joy with their Dancing Prince We shall take it as a Favour to our Nuptials Exit Gentleman Prince Did not I tell you they would desire to dance Princess Truly I was so ignorant as I knew not so much the nature of our Sex Prince You knew not so much of their follies Exeunt Scene 46. Enter Mistris Parle Mistris Fondly Mistris Trifle Mistris Vanity VAnity Let us strive to make the Bride jealous Parle That 's impossible now but you may not work to good effect some a half a year hence Fondly Why I have known a Bridegroom leer her the next day he was maried Trifle Perchance a Bridegroom may for men are sooner cloy'd than women but a Bride will fondly hang about her Husbands neck a week at least Parle A week nay a moneth for a woman is fond the first moneth sick the second moneth peevish the third moneth coy the fourth moneth false the fifth moneth and Cuckolds her Husband the sixth moneth Fondly Then a maried man sprouts Horns in half a year Parle Yes for they are set the day of his mariage and some half a year after they are budded but not so fully grown as to appear to the publick view Trifle But will nothing hinder the growth Parle No 'faith but Death and Death like a Frost doth nip those tender buds Vanity Which death the mans or the womans Parle The womans for if the man dies and his Widow marries again the dead Husband is horn'd in his Grave and the living Husband is horn'd in his Bed Vanity Then their Horns may be put together as Stags in Rutting-time Fondly I had rather make Horns than talk of Horns therefore I 'll go dance Exeunt Scene 47. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEntlem. Where have you been 2 Gent. At Church 1 Gent. Did a fit of Devotion hurry you to the Church to pray 2 Gent. No 'faith I went not to pray but to joyn a pair of Lovers hands in Wedlocks Bonds for they chose me to be their Father to give them in the Church 1 Gent. What Lovers were they that were so foolish to marry 2 Gent. So honest you mean 1 Gent. There is more folly in 't than honesty in my opinion 2 Gent. Thou art an Infidel nay a very Athiest 1 Gent. I am a Naturalist But who are they that are maried 2 Gent. Why Sir William Holdfast and the Lady Mute 1 Gent. The truth is he is a worthy Person and she is a virtuous and sweet Lady wherefore they deserve each other besides she is an Heir and he hath a great Estate 2 Gent. He hath so 1 Gent. What is the Wedding kept private 2 Gent. Yes there are only two or three Friends but I must goe dine with them therefore fare thee well unless you will go with me for you know you shall be welcome 1 Gent. I know I shall therefore I shall go with you Exeunt Scene 48. Enter the Prince and Princess and all the Ladies and Gallants as Knights and Gentlemen They dance upon the Stage and then go out FINIS EPILOGUE OUr Auth'ress here hath sent me for her pay She 's at the Charge of Wit to make the Play But if you think it not worthy of Praise Nor an Applause of Hands her Fame to raise She doth desire that it in pawn may lie Till redeem'd by a better Comedie The Actors Names The Lord Widower Sir William Lovewell and the Lady Hypocondria his wife Sir Henry Sage and the Lady Chastity his wife Sir Edward Courtly and the Lady Iealousie his wife Sir Humphrey Disagree and the Lady Disagree his wife Sir Thomas Cuckold and the Lady Wanton his wife Sir Timothy Spendall and the Lady Poverty his wife Sir Iohn Dotard and the Lady Driping his wife Sir Francis Inconstant and the Lady Inconstant his wife Sir Iames Hearty the Lady Inconstants Father Monsieur Amorous Monsieur Disguise The Lady Sprightly the Lord Widowers Daughter The Lady Procurer Mistris Forsaken afterwards named Monsieur Disguise Mistris Single sister to the Lady Jealousie Doll Subtilty the Lady Sprightly's Chambermaid Also a Waiting-Gentlewoman Nan Lightheel the Lady Jealousies Maid and likewise a Waiting-Gentlewoman Joan Cry-out the Lady Hypocondria's Chamber-maid and likewise a Waiting-Gentlewoman Briget Greasy Sir John Dottards Kitchin maid and two other Maids of his Three Maid-servants of the Lady Poverty 's Two or three Maid-servants of the Lady Disagree's A Maid-servant to the Lady Inconstant Nic Adviser Sir Francis Inconstants man Roger Trusty Sir William Lovewels man A Serving-man of Sir James Hearty's A Skipper Doctors and others Steward The first Part of the Play called the MATRIMONIAL TROUBLE A COMEDY ACT I. Scene 1. Enter Sir Francis Inconstant and Mistris Forsaken SIr Fran. Incon. When I forsake you let Heaven forsake my Soul Mistris Forsaken I do not doubt you for if I did I could not love you and whilst I love you I cannot doubt you Inconstant O how it wounds my heart to part from you my Thoughts are tortur'd and my Mind is set upon a melancholy Rack Forsaken Since your Journey cannot be conveniently avoided I will please my self with the hopes of your sudden Return Inconstant Farewel sweet Mistris Death is the worst of Nature and your Absence the worst of Fortune Exeunt Scene 2. Enter Master Thrifty the Steward and Briget Greasy the Cook-maid BRiget Greasy Good Master Steward give Order for some Beef-suet to be brought in for there is nor any left in the House and I must make a Venison-pasty and if I should temper my Pasty all with butter you would be angry Thrifty Why cannot you take some of the fat from the Beef-broth for your Crust Briget Yes if every one that eat of it had as fresh a mouth as you or loved drink so well as you do it would serve otherwise it would be too salt for their palats besides I am to make puddings in guts Thrifty If they prove as the last you made the dogs may eat them for the guts stunk so much as no man could eat any of them Briget I 'm sure 't was your fault in that
misfortune to me Marry Pray Sir be not so dejected nor look so pale I dare warrant you the News that his Barb hath won the Race will be a sufficient Cataplasm to take away his Stitch The Father and Son-in-law meet a servant Pere How doth my Son and daughter Servant I think they are both well Sir Pere Why do not you know and yet dwell in the same House Servant No indeed not I for I only saw my young Master go towards my Ladies lodging but I did not follow to inquire of their healths for feat they should be angry and think me bold Enter Madam Soeur's Maid Pere Where is you Lady Maid In her Chamber I think Sir Pere Do you but think so do you not know 'T is a sign you wait not very diligently Maid Why Sir I met my young Master going to his Sisters Chamber and he sent me on an Errand and when I came back the outward doors were lock'd so as I could not get in any ways Marry The doors lock'd say you Maid Yes Sir Marry Let them be broken open Pere O my doubts foretell à miserable Tragedy The door seems to be broke open the servant seeing the murder'd Couple cries out Murther murther Monsieur Pere falls down dead at the sight while the servant strives to recover life in the old man Monsieur Marry runs to his murder'd wife and falls to the ground and kisses her and then tears his hair and beats his breast and being as distracted rises hastily and catches up the bloody sword to kill himself his servants hold and hinder him from that Act. Marry Villains let go she shall not wander in the silent shades without my company besides my soul will croud through multitudes of souls that flock to Charons Boat to make an easie passage for her pure soul wherefore let go I command you as being your Master let go The servants still scuffle for to get away the sword in come more servants and carrie him out as being distracted Monsieur Pere not to be recover'd is carried out with the two murder'd bodies Enter three Servants 1 Servant This is so strange an Accident that hardly Story can mention the like 2 Servant I wonder how they came murder'd the door being lock'd and none but themselves if it had been thieves they would have robbed them as well as murder'd them 1 Servant I believe my young Master was the Thief that did both rob and murther 3 Servant Well I could tell a story that I heard listning one day at my Ladies Chamber-door but I will not 1 Servant Prethee tell it us 3 Servant No I will not you shall excuse me for this time Exeunt Scene 47. Enter Monsieur Sensible and Madamoiselle Amor SEnsible Daughter I am come to bring you a Medicine to take out the sting of Love Amor What is it Sir Sensible Why Monsieur Frere hath most wickedly kill'd himself She staggers Madam Amor Although I cannot usher him to the Grave I 'll follow him Falls down dead Sensible Help help for Heavens sake help Enter Servants Sensible O my Child is dead O she is dead she is dead Carry her to her Bed Exit Father and Servants Enter two servants running and meeting each other 1 Servant O my Lady is quite dead and past all cure and her Father I think will die also 2 Servant I am sure there is a sad a sad House to day Exeunt FINIS EPILOGUE IF subtile Ayr the Conduit to each ear Hearts passion mov'd to draw a sadder tear From your squees'd brains on your pale cheeks to lie Distill'd from every Fountain of each eye Our Poetress hath done her part and you To make it sadder know this Story 's true A plaudity you 'l give if think it fit For none but will say this Play is well writ The Lord Marquess of New Castle writ this EPILOGUE The Actors Names SIR Thomas Letgo Sir William Holdfast Sir Henry Courtly Master Diswader Sir VVilliam Holdfast's Friend The Lady Prudence Daughter and Heir to the Lord Sage The Lady Mute the affianced Mistress to Sir Thomas Letgo The Lady Liberty Sir Thomas Letgo's Amoretta The Lady Jealousie Sir Henry Courtly's Lady The Lady Gravity The Lady Parrot The Lady Minion The Lady Geosling Mistress Parle Mistress trifle Mistress Vanity Mistris Fondly Three of four old Ladies the Mothers to the four young Ladies Two grave Matrons The VVooers As the Soldiers the Country Gentleman the Courtier the Bashfull and his Friend the Amorous the Divine the Lawyer the Citizen the Farmer the Stranger All VVooers Gentlemen Merchants Fortune-tellers Maskers PROLOGUE OUr Auth'ress says to make a Play is hard To censure freely men are not afraid Opinions easily do pass upon The wit of others though themselves have none And envie rounds the sense and words about Hoping some errors it may soon find out But streams of wit do not so often flow As salt rough censures which to billows grow And swell so big till they in pieces fall In their own ruines they are buried all But if our Authors Play deserves a praise She will not thank you though you give her bays Because she knows it is her right and due And justice to receive the same from you Wherefore she says if you do take delight To read her Play or acted to your sight The bounty doth proceed from her alone Her wit doth pleasure give to every one The Play if bad she doth desire no praise The Cypress will receive instead of bays THE PUBLICK VVOOING ACT I. Scene 1. Enter two men 1 MAn 'T is reported that the great Mogul hath War with the Parthians and a man of our Nation is General of all his Forces 2 Man Me thinks it is too great an Honour and Trust to give to a stranger 1 Man But it is reported he hath behav'd himself so wisely honestly nobly and valiantly as he hath gained the favour of the Emperour and love of the Souldiers and also respect from all the inferiour Princes 2 Man Who should this man be 1 Man I cannot learn for the Merchants from whom I had this report know not what his right name is for they think he goeth by a cover'd name 2 Man Surely he is of a very mean Birth that he is asham'd to own his name 1 Man It seems so but let his Birth be poor or great he hath a Generous Soul for they say he is very bountiful and lives in great magnificence and carries himself as if he were Princely born He is the whole discourse upon the Exchange and the Merchants do cry him up like to another Iulius Caesar 2 Man It seems they fare the better for his being their Countryman and he to be the Emperours Favourite 1 Man 'T is like enough 2 Man Nay you may be assur'd they have a Fee of Obligation if they praise him so much Of what Age do they say he may be 1 Man They say is in the prime of his years a
and to obey and every Holyday you shall in Arbors sit shadow'd from hot Sun-beams whilst Country Maids and Country Men which Lovers are shall dance upon the grassy Green to the sound of the Horn-pipe Bag-pipe and such breathing Musick whose pleasant Strains and plain-set Notes rebound in Ecchos from the high-cast Banks the lofty Hills hollow Woods and murmuring Streams besides other Rural sports to entertain your Eyes and Ears and recreate your Minde with Mirth and harmless Plays to pass your Time withall No life so pleasant as the Country Life No woman so happy as the Farmers VVife Prudence Honest Friend could I as easily perswade my Affections to your Person as I could to the condition of a Shepherdesses life or Farmers wife you should be the only man I would choose but since I cannot I must only return you thanks for your good liking in that you have preferr'd me in your choise for which may neither nipping Frost nor burning Sun nor blasting winds nor weeds nor snails nor worms destroy your Labours nor ravenous Wolves nor crafty Foxes nor Polcats Weesels Kites or any such like Vermin fright or rob you of your young tender breed may all your grounds and flocks increase a treble-fold your fleeces long and thick your corn firm and full-car'd your grass sweet and broad-bladed your trees so full of fruits that every branch may bow under its load and may your plenty store all the Kingdom that neither want nor famine may be fear'd or felt may all your Country Neighbours and labouring Swains respect you as their Chief obey you as their Lord and worship you as their God Pan Exeunt Scene 22. Enter Sir William Holdfast meeting the Lady Mute she seeming as in a studious Thought HOldfast Lady you are in a serious Contemplation Pray what are you thinking of Mute I have heard that thoughts are free but I perceive they cannot pass without questioning Holdfast I would not boldly intrude upon them my humble desire is I might partake of the Excellency of them Mute I suppose you think my Contemplation is of Heaven and not of the World for there is no subject which can make Thought excellent but what is Divine for the World corrupts them Nature deceives them and Speech betrays them Holdfast If your speech never betrays more than it doth now which only expresses your Wit you may well pardon it but I now finde you are not so ignorantly simple as you are thought to be through your silence Mute I confess I have practis'd silence for I am of years fitter to learn than to talk and I had rather be thought ignorantly simple for being silent than to express folly by too much speaking Holdfast But I wonder you will suffer you self to be laugh'd at for a Natural Fool when your wit is able to defend you from scorns and scoffs and is able to maintain its own Arguments Mute If I had Wit there would be no Honour in the Arguing no more than for a Valiant man to fight with Cowards so wit to dispute with fools But I had rather they should laugh at me than I should weep for my self yet there were none in that company that laugh'd at me but were older than I and the older they are the more faults they have committed and if they laugh at me for my little wit I will scorn them for their many faults and hate them for their vices Holdfast The truth is 't is only fools that commit many faults and take delight in their own follies and do themselves hurt with their own errors and not those that have Wit for they have Ingenuity and Prudence to foresee and so escape errours and the mischiefs that may follow But you appear by not expressing your self to your disadvantage and your silence doth you wrong Mute I care not how I appear in my outward Aspect so my Life be honest my Actions just my Behaviour modest my Thoughts pure and that I obey to the utmost of my power the Laws and Customs of Duty Morality Divinity and Civility But 't is a sign of a foolish Age when silence is thought ignorant simplicitie and modesty accounted a crime when in Antient Times Youth was taught sober Attention and it was impos'd upon Scholars to keep silence five years before they were suffer'd to speak that they might afterwards be able to Teach and not always live to learn as School-boys which they would always be if they spent their time in words and not study and observe And silence is a discretion that few women practise being more apt to talk than men for women are fuller of words than thoughts but words should be weighed by Judgment in the ballance or scales of Sense and deliver'd by the tongue through the lips by Retail which cannot be if they throw them out so fast for there is required Reason Time and Understanding besides unstopped Ears to hear them But though mine Enemies laugh at me for a Fool yet I have so much Honesty Innocencie and Modesty to guard and defend my Reputation as they cannot wound that with their sharp words nor laughing faces Exeunt Scene 23. Enter the Lady Prudence and her strange Wooer a man that had a wooden Leg a patch on his Eye and Crook-back'd unhandsome snarled Hair and plain poor Cloaths on He takes the Wooers place and the Assembly about gazing with smiling faces at the sight of such a Wooer Strange Wooer Lady I come not now to plead with flourishing Rhetorick to make that which is false to appear like truth or paint a foul cause with fair smooth words But my cause of request is honest and what I shall speak is truth nor do I strive to hide my Deformities or Vices As for my outward deformities they are visible to your Eyes but Vices live in the Appetites Passions and Affections which are only exprest by the Actions and therefore the easier may be dissembled from the most part of the World yet not from Heaven to whom I am to make a just account And since my sins are only to the Gods and not you fair Godess I shall not at this time make a publick confession of them but I am come here to present you with my love which love is as pure as unspotted Angels it hath no by-respects unto your Wealth Beauty or Birth but barely and meerly to your Virtue in truth I come a wooing to your Soul not to your Body but yet mistake me not I would not have them parted I cannot say my Estate or Birth deserves you nor have I merits equal to your worth but since my love is as pure as your virtue it will be an equal Match And though you see my body a deformed bulk yet I am not asham'd of it because the owner which is my Mind is honest for I never betray'd my King or Country Mistris or Friend nor any Trust that was impos'd unto me by any although a Foe I never shut my
and quite from my Patience which makes me miserable and Misery is worse than Death for Death is a cessation of pain and Misery a torment of life But if this Report be true I will lay more curses on his head than a long penitential life shall be able to take off Exit Enter the two Maids of Sir John Dotard 1 MAid Lord Briget is so proud since she is preferr'd to be my Masters Laundry-maid as she will touch none but my Masters linnen 2 Maid She is become very fine upon her preferment I am sure it is not five or ten pound wages that will or can maintain her at that rate she goes for she hath had to my knowledge two new pair of shooes within three weeks of each other whereupon I told her that the shooes that she cast by would be very strong and serviceable if they were cobled and her Answer was what did I think she would wear cobled shooes I told her why not now as well as she did for she us'd to send her shooes to be cobled three or four times over and her wastcoat to be patch'd and her petticoats to be new-border'd and her stockings to be heel'd as the rest of us did and I knew of no Lands that had befallen her and therefore she may doe the same still 1 Maid And what said she then 2 Maid She bid me meddle with my own matters and not meddle with her and I dare not offend her for fear I should be turn'd away nay she is so proud as she turns her head aside when Richard the Carter comes to kiss her and she strives to shun his company when once within a short time she would make haste to wash her dishes that she might have time to sit in Richards Lap and there they would sit colling and kissing until the sea-coal-site was burn'd out 2 Maid But now she sits in a better seat Exeunt Scene 8. Enter Mistris Forsaken in mans Apparel naming her self Monsieur Disguise MOnsieur Disguise I cannot believe he will prove so false and perjurious but this Disguise I hope will bring me to discover the Truth And if he be false for his sake may all the Masculine Sex be slaves to the Effeminate Sex not bound by Love but by base servile fear may they long after the power but never get it may women govern the World and when they command the men dare not disobey and be despis'd for their reward may their Jealousies disturb their Rest their Cares increase their Labours may they work like Horses fawn like Dogs and bear like Asses But if he be constant may all the Masculine Sex be bless'd for his sake may all women desire admire and love him may Pleasure imbrace him Health preserve him and Time attend him may he be arm'd with Power crown'd with Peace and all Obedience bow to his command may the sound but of his Name bring joy to all hearts may all be pleas'd for his Birth pray for his Life and fear his Death may good Fortune trace his ways whilst he tides upon the wings of a glorious Fame Exeunt Scene 9. Enter Sir Francis Inconstant as in another Country with his new Mistris INconstant Sweet Mistris you are the Elixar of Beauty all other women are as unrefin'd metal like base coyn New Mistris Whilst I am unmarry'd you 'l flatter me but when I am your Wife you will change your complemental discourse to quarrelling disputes or insulting commands Inconstant O never never your Eye shall direct all my Actions your Commands shall rule my Life and your Pleasures shall be my onely Delight Exeunt Scene 10. Enter Sir James Hearty and his Man HEarty Here take this Note that you may not forget the Guests that are to be invited to my Daughters Wedding The man takes the Note and looks on it Can you read it Man I cannot tell Sir Hearty Let me hear if you can or not Man Imprimis Sir William Lovewell and the Lady Hypocondria his Wife Item Sir Henry Sage and the Lady Chastity his Wife Item Sir Edward Courtly and the Lady Iealousie his Wife and Mistris Iane Single her Sister Item Sir Thomas Cuckold and the Lady Wanton his Wife Item Sir Humphey Disagree and the Lady Disagree his Wife Item Sir Timothy Spendall and the Lady Poverty his Wife Item the Lady Procurer Item Monsieur Amorous Hearty Well read well read As for the Lord Widower I know he will not come for I hear his Lady is newly dead This is the Nature of the World some marry and some die Man Troth Sir of the two Evils I think it is better to die than to marry Hearty I am not of your mind for I had rather have a ruddy plain soft Wench to be my Bed-fellow than pale grim lean numb cold Death But go your way about this Imployment the whilst I will give direction for the Entertainment Exeunt Scene 11. Enter the Lord VVidower and the Lady Sprightly his Eldest Daughter and other small Children and Doll Subtilty all weeping LOrd We have reason to weep for you my Children have lost a good Mother and I a loving Wife and her servants a kind Lady but we cannot alter Heavens Decrees wherefore we must take comfort in what is and not grieve for what cannot be helpt And now Daughter Sprightly you must be as my Wife Friend and Daughter all in one for as your Mother did when she had health govern my Family so must you now she is dead and you must take care of your young Brothers and Sisters and Heaven will reward thee with a good Husband and Children of your own And as for her Maid here who hath taken great pains all the time of your Mothers sickness ought to be rewarded for her care wherefore Daughter let her wait upon you as she did upon your Mother Doll Subtilty I thank your Lordship Exeunt Scene 12. Enter all the Bridal Guests and pass over the Stage as thorough a Room Scene 13. Enter Monsieur Disguise as from the sea MOnsieur Disguise Surely the Fates have conspired against me the winds were so cross just like men sometimes for us and sometimes against us Enter a Skipper Have you found out the Gentlemans lodging Skipper Yes Sir Disguise And was he at home Skipper He hath that which will invite him to stay at home and keep him from wandring abroad for some time Sir Disguise What 's that Skipper A fair Wife Sir for a drunken Serving-man told me that one Sir Francis Inconstant had maried his Masters Daughter and that the Wedding-Feast would continue a Week if not a Fortnight Disguise And was the man drunk that told you so Skipper Yes surely he seem'd so to me Disguise Then perchance he might tell you a lye Skipper He was not so drunk but that he might tell a truth Disguise Prethee Friend do me one favour more and then I will pay thee for thy pains Skipper What you please to command me
having made her a Lady Lord Lord to see the fortune that some have over others why if my Master would have maried one of his Maids he might have chosen a prettier wench amongst any of us all than she is 2 Maid Yes 'faith for she was thought the veriest Puss of us all for she is neither snout-fair nor well-shap'd she hath splay-feet and chilblainheels 1 Maid Nay all will grant she was the dirtiest slut in the House for there was never a man-servant but would cry so at her when they kiss'd her besides she was the veriest fool amongst us But Lord what Wealth and Honour will do for now she is a Lady she looks as if she never wash'd a dish or scour'd a kettle or spit 2 Maid But I wonder how she came to be his Wife she might have served as her Betters have done before her I am sure there was Nan a pretty pert cleanly Maid who was kind and willing to do any thing either to serve our Master or fellow servants 1 Maid O but Nan had not an old woman that us'd to come to her to get suet and scraps as Briget had and this old woman they say counsell'd Briget to seem nice and coy 2 Maid I wonder what Richard the Carter will say who was turned out of his service because he should not share with my Master 1 Maid 'Faith I heard that Richard was told of her Advancement and 't is said he laugh'd and said my Master had a hungry stomach that he could feed of his leavings but by his Troth he was glad she was become a Lady for now he could say he had kiss'd and courted a Lady as well as the best Gallant of them all Exeunt Scene 19. Enter the Lord Widower and the Lady Sprightly his Daughter LOrd Daughter although you do govern my Family very well for your years yet you are young and wanting Experience may be cozened and though I have a great Estate yet it will be all consum'd if Order and Method be not put into practice wherefore I would have you take the counsel of Mistris Dorothy Subtilty to assist you Lady Who is that my Lord Lord Why do not you know her she that waited on your Mother Lady Pardon me my Lord I did not know her by that Title for she was plain Dol Subtilty when she waited on my Mother and not knowing of her advancement from a Chambermaid to a Gentlewoman I might easily mistake besides she is not so much older as to have much more experience than my self perchance she may have more craft which was learned her in her poverty than I who have been bred at the Horn of Plenty that knew no scarcity nor sharking necessity Lord You have a sharp tongue when spight moves it but let me hear no more of these words but do as I command you Lady I never disobey'd you as I do know Lord Well no more words Exeunt Scene 20. Enter the Bride and all the Bridal Guests they dance and Monsieur Disguise dances with the Bride Sir Spendall seems to whisper Monsieur Disguise in the Ear being half drunk SPendall Sir but that you look more like a woman than a man you might give the Bridegroom more cause to be melancholy for the living than the dead but let me intreat you young Gentleman that you strike not his Head as your News hath done his Heart for I perceive the Brides eyes are fix'd upon you and from the root of a fix'd eye grows Horns when they are set in a maried Head Disguise There is no fear Spendall Yes Sir as long as there are doubts there are fears Disguise There is no doubt Sir Spendall But that she will be Sir Disguise What Sir Spendall What you please Sir and let me tell you young Gentleman that as long as there are women there will be Lovers and Cuckolds Disguise And let me tell you Sir that as long as there are men there will be Fools and Drunkards Lady Inconstant Sir I doubt we have invited you rather to your trouble than your delight Disguise Madam you are the Treasure of Pleasure and Delight which none can receive but from your Bounty nor enjoy but by your Favour Exeunt Scene 21. Enter the Lady Sprightly and Dol Subtilty LAdy Sprightly What had you to do to contradict my commands Dol Subtilty They were not fit to be obey'd wherefore they were forbid The Lady gives Dol a box on the Ear Lady There take that to remember I forbid you to forbid my commands Dol. I will declare your blows to some that shall revenge me Enter the Lord Widower Lord What are you so light-finger'd 'T is time to get you a Husband to govern and rule your high spirit Lady No pray Sir get me no Husband for if my Father takes part against me surely a Husband will be worse natur'd Lord So you will say I am unnatural Lady No Sir I only say it is not my undutifulness that displeases you but some that hath more wit than I or at least good fortune to please you better Lord VVell pray study your Book and VVork and leave the Houshold Affairs to my disposal Lady Sir I took the Office as my duty to your commands not for Delight Pleasure Ease or Profit and I shall surrender it up again upon the same account and with all the trouble care labour vexations and disquiets belonging thereunto Lord In doing so you will do very well Exeunt Scene 32. Enter the Lady Hypocondria as being frightly sick and her Husband Sir VVilliam Lovewell LOvewell Heaven bless you wife what makes you so extremely pale and to seem so affrighted Hypocon. O Husband I have an Imposthume broken within me and the bag will rise and choke me Lovewell Heaven forbid Hypocon. O I am choak'd I am choak'd I cannot fetch my breath She takes her breath very short Sir VVilliam Lovewell in a great fright calls for help Enter some servants Lovewell O send for Doctors strait for my wife is ready to die They go out running he standing by the Chair his Wife sits in trembling and quaking Lovewell How are you dear VVife how do you feel your self now how are you Hypocondria O very ill but yet me thinks I can fetch my breath a little better than I could I believe the Imposthume-bag is fallen down wherefore I will go to bed Lovewell Pray do VVife He leads her out and she goeth softly Exeunt Scene 23. Enter Sir Henry Sage and the Lady Chastity his Wife SAge Sweet-heart I was in your Bed-chamber and in your Cabinet-chamber and missing you in both I was afraid I must have been forc'd to have hir'd a Cryer to have proclamed my loss Chastity Many a Wife doth proclame her Husbands loss without the help of a Cryer for the Wives Adulterous Acts proclame her Husband a Cucold and the loss of his Honour Sage But I am not afraid of that for I am confident of thy Chastity although the old
with you both Both Long may your Highness live and flourish They kneel to their Father Lord Dorato My blessing on you both Exeunt FINIS THE ACTORS NAMES Sir William Admirer and many other Gentlemen Lady Peaceable Lady Solitary Lady Censurer Lady Examination Lady Bridlehead Lady Kindeling Lady Gadder Lady Faction and a Matron THE COMICAL HASH ACT I. Scene 1. Enter a Company of young Gentlemen and two or three young Ladyes as the Lady Gadder the Lady Kindeling and the Lady Bridlehead KIndeling My Dear Gadder Gadder My sweet Kindeling They imbrace and kiss each other Gentleman Faith Ladyes Nature never made women to kiss each other and therefore 't is unnatural and being unnatural it is unlawfull and being unlawfull it ought to be forbidden Gadder Yes you would have us kiss you men Gentleman No Ladies we men will kiss you women if you please to give us leave Bridlehead You will take leave sometimes Gentleman 'T is when we think we shall not be refus'd or at least not to be disfavour'd for it The Ladies kiss again Gentleman VVhat kissing again faith Ladies you will make us believe by your often kissing that you desire we should kiss you and with that belief we may run into an error if it be an error to kiss a fair Lady Kindeling Fye fye you men are odd Creatures Gentleman No you women are odd Creatures when you are not with us men Kindeling Preethy Gadder and Bridlehead let us go do something to pass away our time Gadder VVhat shall we do Bridlehead Let us go to Cards Gadder Faith I have made a Vow not to play for money Bridlehead VVe will play for Sweet-meats Kindeling No preethy let us play for a Sack Possit Gadder O no we will play for Sweet-meats Kindeling I say a Sack Possit Gadder Let the most voices carry it Gentleman I will speak for the men we say a Sack Possit for that will make us both good Company in the eating the Possit and after 't is eaten whereas Sweet-meats will make us heavy and dull Gadder Well then let us go play for a Sack Possit Bridlehead Faith a Sack Possit will make me drunk Gentleman You will be the better Company Lady Kindling Fye Bridlehead you should not say drunk but your head giddy Gentleman That is better than to be drunk for a giddy head hath a light heel Exeunt Scene 2. Enter two Gentlemen 1 GEnt. The Lord Poverty is a gallant Noble person 2 Gent. They are gallant and Noble that are Rich and titled Honour without Means is like a Body without a Soul 1 Gent. You are mistaken friend it is rather a Soul without a Body 2 Gent. Alas titled Honour without Means to maintain it is despised 1 Gent. If the person hath Merit worthy of his titled Honour that titled Honour is worthy to be respected and bowed to by all inferiour persons nay put the case that Honourable titles are placed upon Unworthy persons yet all ought to give respect to those Titles and to do homage thereunto though not unto the Person yet because it comes from a lawfull and Supreme power as Natural rays of light do from the Sun and those that strive through envy and through spite for to Eclipse the light deserve to be in a perpetual darkness so those that do detract from titled Honours ought never to be honoured with Titles or respect 2 Gent. Why 't is not only I that have no such titles of Honour that speaks against them but those that do possess them and their fore-fathers long before them 1 Gent. They that do so ought to be degraded as being unworthy to wear the badge or mark of their fore-fathers Merits or heroick Acts for they do shew they have none of their own but those that get their own Honours by their own Merits and worthy Actions deserve them best for they like as a clear and glorious day appear for oft-times their posterity like Clouds begot from gross and drowsie Earth strive to quench out their Fathers flaming Honours and by their Baseness obscure the light of their fore-fathers great and glorious Fame and in the end bury themselves in dark Oblivion as vanishing to nothing as being never mentioned nor remembred but those that for their loyalty and their fidelity unto their King and Country have hazarded lives and lost their liberties and Estates and are grown poor for Honesties sake and Virtuous causes yet they in after Ages will live with great renown for 't is not in the power of spite to pull them down for the Gods give Fame to Noble Actions as Kings give titled Honours though men that are base will not relieve them yet Fame will remember them and though base men will rail against them yet Fame will praise them and though they dye with Poverty and should end their lives in a foul Ditch yet shall that Ditch be honoured by their Death more than the rich unworthy man be honoured by his stately Tombs and costly Funerals Exeunt Scene 3. Enter the Lady Solitary and the Lady Examination EXamination What 's the matter with you to day Lady Solitary you look as if you were in a married humour Solitary Why Lady Examination what humour is a married humour Examination Why a masse of ill humours mixt or put together as a lumpish dumpish dull stupid humour or a pievish fretting pining whining humour or a brawling yawling quarrelling scoulding humour or a jealous suspicious humour or a fawning feigning dissembling humour Solitary If these humours are woven into the marriage knot I will never marry for I would be loth to have the peace of my life strangled in discontent for whosoever be subject to these humours can never be happy Examination You will change your mind and rather live with these humours than without a Husband but I am come now to fetch you abroad for their is a Company of sociable Ladyes and gallants that have made a meeting some league of where there will be Mirth Jollity Plenty and Pleasure and they desire you will be sociable for once and go along with them Solitary Would you have the Body which is the habitation of the Mind a wanderer travelling from place to place disturbing the mind with unprofitable journeys Examination No I would have it remove so as it may always situate it self in a wholsome profitable plentifull pleasant and pleasurable place Solitary I perceive you prefer the pleasures of the Body before the delight of the Mind Examination Why the mind can take no delight without the body for the body gives the mind a being and habitation for there would be no mind if there were no body but if there could be a mind without a body yet the mind could receive no delight without the pleasure of the body for the pleasure of the body is the delight of the mind and not the delight of the mind the pleasure of the body for the mind doth never give nor return wherefore come away and leave