THE PLEASANT HISTORY OF the two angry women of Abington With the humorous mirth of Dicke Coomes and Nicholas Prouerbes tvvo Seruingmen As it was lately playde by the right Honorable the Earle of Nottingham Lord high Admirall his seruants By Henry Porter Gent. Imprinted at London for VVilliam Ferbrand and are to be solde at his shop at the corner of Colman streete neere Loathbury 1599 The names of the speakers M. Goursey Mist. Goursey M. Barnes Mist Barnes Franke Goursey Phillip Boy Mall Barnes Dick Coomes Hodge Nicholas Prouerbs Sir Raph Smith Will sir Raphes man The Prologue GEntlemen I come to yee like one that lackes and would borrow but was loath to aske least hee should be denied I would aske but I would aske to obtaine O would I knewe that manner of asking to beg were base and to cooche low and to carry an humble shew of entreatie were too Dog-like that fawnes on his maister to get a bone from his Trencher out Curre I cannot abide it to put on the shape and habit of this new worlds new found beggars mistermed Souldiers as thus sweet Gentlemen let a poore Scholler implore and exerate that you would make him rich in the possession of a mite of your fauours to keep him a true man in wit and to pay for his lodging among the Muses so God him helpe he is driuen to a most low estate t is not vnknowne what seruice of words he hath been at he lost his lims in a late conflict of floute a braue repulse and a hot assault it was he doth protest as euer he saw since hee knewe what the report of a volley of testes were he shall therefore desire you A plague vpon it each Beadle disdained would whip him from your companie Well Gentlemen I cannot tell howe to get your fauours better then by desert then the worse lucke or the worse wit or some what for I shall not now deserue it Welcome then I commit my selfe to my fortunes your contents contented to dye if your seuere iudgements shall iudge me to be stung to death with the Adders hisse The pleasant Comedy of the two angry Women of Abington Enter Master Goursey and his wife and Master Barnes and his wife with their two sonnes and their two seruants Maister Goursey GOod maister Barnes this entertaine of yours So full of courtesie and rich delight Makes me misdoubt my poore ability In quittance of this friendly courtesie M, Bar. O master Goursey neighbour amitie Is such aie well of high reckoned worth As for the attaine of it what would not I Disburse it is so precious in my thoughts M. Gou. Kinde sir neere dwelling amity indeed Offers the hearts enquiry better view Then loue that 's seated in a farther soyle As prospectiues the neerer that they be Yeeld better iudgement to the iudging eye Thinges seene farre off are lessened in the eye When their true shape is seene being hard by M. Bar. True sir t is so and truely I esteeme Meere amity familiar neighbourhood The cousen germaine vnto wedded loue M. Gou. I sir ther 's surely some aliance twixt them For they haue both the off-spring from the heart Within the hearts bloud Ocean still are found Iewels of amity and Iemmes of loue M. Bar. I master Goursey I haue in my time Seene many shipwracks of true honesty But incident such dangers euer are To them that without compasse sayle so farre Why what need men to swim when they may wade But leaue this talke enough of this is said And Master Goursey in good faith sir wellcome And mistresse Goursey I am much in debt Vnto your kindnes that would visit me Mi. Gou. O master Barnes you put me but in minde Of that which I should say t is we that are Indebted to your kindnes for this cheere Which debt that we may repay I pray le ts haue Sometimes your company at our homely house Ms. Bar. That mistresse Goursey you shall surely haue Hee le be a bolde guest I warrant ye And boulder too with you then I would haue him Mis. Gou. How doe ye meane he will be bolde with me Mi. Bar. Why he will trouble you at home forsooth Often call in and aske ye how ye doe And sit and that with you all day till night And all night too if he might haue his will M. Bar. I wife indeed I thanke her for her kindnes She hath made me much good cheere passing that way Mi. Bar. Passing well done of her she is a kinde wench I thanke ye mistresse Goursey for my husband And if it hap your husband come our way A hunting or such ordinary sportes I le doe as much for yours as you for mine M Gou Pray doe forsooth Gods Lord what meanes the woman She speakes it scornefully I faith I care not Things are well spoken if they be well taken What mistresse Barnes is it not time to part Mis. Bar. What 's a clocke sirra Nicholas T is but new strucke one M. Gou. I haue some busines in the towne by three M. Bar. Till then le ts walke into the Orchard sir What can you play at Tables M. Gou. Yes I can M. Bar. What shall we haue a game M Gou. And if you please M. Bar I faith content wee le spend an hower so Sirra fetch the Tables Nic. I will sir Exit Phil. Sirra Franke whilst they are playing heere Wee le to the greene to Bowles Fra. Phillip content Coomes come hyther sirra When our Fathers part call vs vpon the greene Phillip come a rubber and so leaue Phil, Come on Exeunt Coom. Sbloud I doe not like the humour of these springa's thei l spend all their fathers good at gamming But let them trowle the bowles vpon the greene He trowle the bowles in the Buttery by the leaue of God and maister Barnes and his men be good fellows so it is if they be not let them goe snick vp Exit Enter Nicholas with the Tables M. Bar. So set them downe Mistresse Goursey how doe you like this game Mi. Gou. Well sir M. Bar. Can ye play at it Mis. Gou. A little sir M. Bar. Faith so can my wife M. Gou. Why then master Barnes and if you please Our wiues shall try the quarrell twixt vs two And wee le looke on M. Bar. I am content what woman will you play Mis. Gou. I care not greatly Mis. Bar. Nor I but that I thinke shee le play me false M. Gou. I le see she shall not Mis Ba. Nay sir she will be sure you shall not see You of all men shall not marke her hand She hath such close conueyance in her play M. Gou. Is she so cunning growne come come le ts see Mis. Gou. Yea mistris Barnes will ye not house your iests But let them rome abroad so carelesly Faith if your iealious tongue vtter another I le crosse ye with a iest and ye were my mother Come shall we play Mis Bar, I what shall we
a little while Mi. Gou. Good husband heare him speake Mis. Ba. Good husband heare him Coom. Maister heare him speake hee s a good wise young stripling for his yeeres I tel ye perhaps may speake wiser then an elder body therefore heare him Hod. Master heare and make an end you may kil one another in iest and be hanged in earnest M. Go. Come let vs heare him then speake quickly Philip M. Ba. Thou shouldst haue done ere this speak Phil. Speak Mis. Bar. O Lord what haste you make to hurt your selues Good Phillip vse some good perswasions To make them friends Phi. Yes I le doe what I can Father and Master Goursey both attend It is presumption in so young a man To teach where he might learne or be derect Where he hath had direction but in duety He may perswade as long as his perswase Is backt with reason and a rightfull sute Phisickes first rule is this as I haue learned Kill the effect by cutting of the cause The same effects of ruffin outrages Comes by the cause of mallice in your wines Had not they two bin foes you had bin friends And we had bin at home and this same war In peacefull sleep had nere bin dreamt vpon Mother and mistresse Goursey to make them friends Is to be friends your selues you are the cause And these effects proceed you know from you Your hates giue life vnto these killing strifes But dye and if that enuy â—ye in you Fathers yet stay O speake O stay a while Francis perswade thy mother maister Goursey If that my mother will resolue your mindes That t is but meere suspect not common proofe And if my father sweares hee s innocent As I durst pawne my soule with him he is And if your wife vow truth and constancy Will you be then perswaded M. Gou. Phillip if thy father will remit The wounds I gaue him and if these conditions May be performde I bannish all my wrath M. Bar. And if thy mother will but cleere me Phillip As I am ready to protest I am Then master Goursey is my friend againe Phi. Harke mother now you heare that your desires May be accomplished they will both be friends If you 'l performe these articles Mi. Ba. Shall I be friends with such an enemy Phil. What say you vnto my perswase Mi. Bar. I say shee s my deadly enemie Phil. I but she will be your friend if you reuolt Mi. Bar. The words I said what shall I eate a truth Phi. Why harke ye mother Fra. Mother what say you Mis. Go. Why this I say she slaundered my good name Fra. But if she now denie it t is no defame Mi. Go. Why shall I thinke her hate will yeeld so much Fra. Why doubt it not her spirit may he such M. Go. why will it be Phi. Yet stay I haue some hope Mother why mother why heare ye Giue me your hand it is no more but thus T is easie labour to shake hands with her A little breath is spent in speaking of faire words When wrath hath violent deliuered M. Bar. What shall we be resolued Mi. Bar. O husband stay Stay Maister Goursey though your wife doth hate me And beares vnto me mallice infinite And endlesse yet I will respect your safeties I would not haue you perish by our meanes I must confesse that onely suspect And no proofe els hath fed my hate to her Mi. Gour. And husband I protest by heauen and earth That her suspect is causles and vniust And that I nere had such a vilde intent Harme she imaginde where as none was ment Phil. Loe sir what would yee more M. Bar. Yes Phillip this That I confirme him in my Innocence By this large vniuerse M. Gour. By that I sweare I le credit none of you vntill I heere Friendship concluded straight betweene them two If I see that they willingly will doe Then I le imagine all suspition ends I may be then assured they being friends Phil. Mother make full my wish and be it so Mi. Bar. VVhat shall I sue for friendship to my foe Phil. No if she yeeld will you Mi. Ba. It may be I Phil. VVhy this is well the other I will trie Come Mistresse Goursey do you first agree Mi. Gour. VVhat shall I yeeld vnto mine enemie Phil. VVhy if she wil will you Mi. Gou. Perhaps I wil Phil. Nay then I finde this goes forward still Mother giue me your hand giue me yours to Be not so loath some good thing I must doe But lay your Torches by I like not them Come come deliuer them vnto your men Giue me your hands so now sir heere I stand Holding two angrie women in my hand And I must please them both I could please tone But it is hard when there is two to one Especially of women but t is so They shall be pleasd whether they will or no Which will come first what both giue back ha neither Why then yond may helpe that come both together So stand still stand but a little while And see how I your angers will beguile Well yet there is no hurt why then let me Ioyne these two hands and see how thei l agree Peace peace they crie looke how they friendly kisse VVell all this while there is no harme in this Are not these two twins twins should be both alike If tone speakes faire the tother should not strike Iesus these warriours will not offer blowes VVhy then t is strange that you two should be foes O yes you le say your weapons are your tongnes Touch lip with lip and they are bound from wrongs Go to imbrace and say if you be friends That heere the angrie womens quarrels ends Mi. Gou. Then heere it ends if mistres Barnes say so Mi. Bar. If you say I I list not to say no M. Gou. If they be friends by promise we agree M. Bar. And may this league of friendship euer be Phil. What saist thou Franke doth not this fall out well Fran. Yes if my Mall were heere then all were well Enter Sir Raphe Smith with Mall Raph. Yonder they be Mall stay stand close and stur not Vntil I call God saue yee Gentlemen M. Bar. VVhat sir Raph Smith you are a welcome man VVe wondred when we heard you were abroad Raph. VVhy sir how heard yee that I was abroad M. Bar. By your man Raph. My man wher is he Wil. Heere Raph. O yee are a trustie squire Nic. It had bin better and he had said a sure carde Phil. Why sir Nic Because it is the Prouerbe Phil. Away yee Asse Nic. An Asse goes a foure legs I go of two christ crosse Phi. Hold you tongue Nich. And make no mistake M. Gou. Go to no more a doe gentle sir Raphe Your man is not in fault for missing you For he mistooke by vs and we by him Raph. And I by you which now I well perceiue But tell me Gentlemen what made yee all Be from your beds