Henry Wotton UPon consideration of those many panegyricks and laudatory speeches letters and exhortations to great men he once said that though the manner of Painters be to mend the picture by the life yet with generous minded men it should be inverted viz. to mend the life by the picture to become such as those encomiums expresse a man to be Businesse IT was usuall saying of my Lord Bacon that it was in businesse as it is frequently in wayes that the next and neerest way is commonly the foulest and that if a man will go the fairest way he must go somewhat about Robert Earle of Leicester THis Earle was the greatest Hypocrite and subtle enemy in England much voyced up by the non conformists for his patronage of them whereby he drew that faction clearly to his side he was alwayes very distrustfull and jealous and sad examples there were of his treachery and it was his usuall saying that we read that we ought to forgive our enemies but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends Earle of Essex IT was usually said of Robert Earle of Essex the Father of the last deceased and who was altogether as military and popular and I remember an observation made that when the Son departed from London to Barnet and so onward against the King it was bruited that with the same Pomp his father began his expedition the same road to Ireland and soon after lost his Head which fate was suspected to attend his Son though a potion its thought did the same effect that he was the the greatest usurer in England for that he had turned all his Estate having wasted a great part thereof in his severall voyages and expeditions by caressing the the souldiers into obligations Caesar Borgia THe supposed Nephew but son of Pope Alexander the sixth one of the worst of that see yet so great a Benefactor to the family of this present Pope that he hath assumed his name by the name of Alexander the seventh after long division betwixt him and the Estates of Romania came to an agreement with them in the Treaty there was an article that he should not call them at any time altogether in person Their intention was that knowing his treacherous and cruel nature if he meant them any danger or treason he might not have the opportunity or advantage to oppresse them altogether at once Notwithstanding he brought it so about by his finesses and artifices that he won upon their confidence to assemble together at Cinigalia where he murthered them all The newes hereof was related to the Pope as a thing perfidious but happy who upon hearing of it said It was they that had broke their Covenant first in coming altogether A Court Maxim IT is fathered on the Emperour Trajan who used in speaking of the jealousy of Princes that seek to make away those that aspire to the succcession that there was never King that did put to death his successor this was very rife in the businesse of Mary Queen of Scots beheaded by Queen Elizabeth Sir Nicholas Bacon THis Knight was Sir William Cecils second in the service of the State being Father also to my Lord Verulam and Lord Chancellour in the raign of Queen Elizabeth upon bills exhibited in that Court to discover where Lands lay upon proofe that they had a certain quantity of Land but could not set it forth was wont to say and if you cannot finde your Land in the Country how will you have me find it in the Chancery Conbury Park THe Earle of Leicester Favorrite to Queen Elizabeth was making a large chace about Cornbury Parke intending to enclose it with posts and Rayles and one day was casting up his charge what it would come to a Gentleman standing by that was a free spoken man said to my Lord upon the sudden methinkes your Lordship goeth not the cheapest way to worke why Sir said my Lord Introth my Lord said he count you but upon the posts for the Country will find you Rayling Knights MY Lord of Essex when he commanded at the Seige of Rhoan an Army of English in ayd of Henry the 4. of France against the league made 24. Knights after a battel against the Duke de Main which at that time was a great number divers of those Gentlemen were of weake and small means which when Queen Elizabeth heard she said my Lord might have done well to have built his Almes house before he made his Knights French Massacre AFter the Massacre of the French Protestants in Paris on St. Bartholomews day an overture was made of a new agreement to that purpose the Deputies of the reformed Religion met there to treat of a Pacification after some debate they agreed on articles nothing remaining but the security for the performance of them to this the Queen mother returned by way of question whether they would not accept the Kings security no by St BARTHOLOMEW Madam answered the Deputies Treasure A Spanish Ambassadour coming to Venice was there Complemented by the State and as a particular Honour to himselfe and his Master had St. Markes Treasure reckoned then to be the greatest magazine of wealth in Europe shewed him At the opening of the same he pointed towards the great Chests and asked some of the senators whether those Iron-coffers had any bottome they answered yea this is nothing then saith he to my Masters wealth that hath a perpetuall spring in his Mines Retinue A Nobleman who kept a very large retinue was acquainted by his Steward that great part of that expence was very burdensome and uselesse for that his Lordship needed not so many servants wherupon he ordered his Steward to bring him a list and Catalogue of all his servants and to mark their names which the frugall steward did putting out by his note above halfe his retainers When this scroll was presented the Nobleman asked what he marked so many out for because Sir saith he they are of no use to you why then saith the Lord if the other must stay because I have need of them these shall stay because they have need of me Henry the fourth HEnry the fourth of France after he had marryed Mary de Medicis was for a little while childlesse upon newes of the Queens conception the Count of Soissons who was heir apparent to the Crown gave out that it was with a pillow these words came to the Kings ear who the Queen growing very big tooke the said Count to her lodgings and laid his hand upon her Apron what think you now Cosen quoth the King of this pillow marry said the Count I think it to be a Pillow for all France to rest its head upon Proud Prelate A Proud Prelate of England in imitation of his great example the Pope would admit no suitors in any other posture but prostration a man reputed for his wisedome petitioning of him was forced to comply with the custome being taxed by some for this servile
to dissemble himselfe a stranger to that Ceremony demanded of a stander-by what that Knight said to whom the party returned He challengeth any man to fight with him who dares deny your Highnesse to be the lawfull King of England If he will not fight with such a one said the King I will Sir Thomas Gresham OSterley House was built by Sir Thomas Gresham now it is Sir William Wallers where Sir Thomas entertained Queen Elizabeth Being there Her Majesty found fault with the Court of the House as too great affirming that it would appear more handsome if divided with a wall in the midle What doth Sir Thomas but in the night time sends for workmen from London who so silently and speedily followed their work that the next morning discovered that Court double which the night had left single before the Queen was very well pleased while a Courtier disported her with this quibble that it was no wonder he could so soon change a building who could build a Change Disputation AT an extraordinary Act of Divinity kept at Cambridge before King James when Dr. John Davenant was Answerer and Dr. Richardson amongst others the Oposer the Question was maintained in the Negative concerning the excommunication of Kings Dr. Richardson vigorously pressed the practice of St. Ambrose excommunicating the Emperour Theodosius insomuch that the King in some passion returned Truly it was most insolently done by St. Ambrose to whome Dr. Richardson replied This is a Majestick answer and befitting Alexander this is not to untie but cut the argument Sir John Cuts SIR John Cuts of Cambridg-shire was a most bountifull house-keeper as any of his estate insomuch that Queen Elizabeth in the beginning of her Reign whilest yet she had peace with Spain the sicknesse being at London ordered the Spanish Embassadour to this Knights house the Embassadour coming thither and understanding his name to be John Cuts conceived himselfe disparaged to be sent to one of so short a name the Spanish Gentlemen generally having voluminous names helpt and stuft out with Titles usually adding the place of their habitation for the elongation thereof But soon after that the Don found that what the Knight lacked in length of name he made up in the largnesse of his entertainment The Countesse of Shrewsbury MAry Queen of Scots Mother of King James being committed to the keeping of George Earle of Shrewsbury who had married a Lady of a notable pregnant and undaunted spirit the custody of so great a Princesse on the Earles cost was quickly by her found to be chargeable and which was worse dangerous the Papists of the kingdome daily practising her enlargement it hapned this Countesse coming to the Court Queen Elizabeth demanded of her how the Queen of Scots did Madam said she she cannot doe ill while she is with my Husband and I begin to grow jealous they are so great together Whereupon the Queen who liked not any familiarity of that royal Prisoner with so great and potent a Peer ordered her removall thence into the custody of others Sir Arthur Chichester SIR Arthur Chichester once Lord Deputy of Ireland being recalled thence was sent Ambassador to the Emperor by King James about that labour in vain of the Palatinate returning thence the place where he was the City of Maynchin was besieged by Count Tilly the Emperor's Generall to whom my Lord Chichester sent word that it was against the Law of Nations to besiege an Ambassador Tilly replyed That he took no notice he was an Ambassador the other rejoyned by the Messenger Had my Master sent me with as many hundred men as he hath sent me on fruitlesse messages hither your Generall should have known that I had been as well a Souldier as an Ambassador Thomas Stukely THomas Stukely the famous Glorioso was a younger Brother of an ancient wealthy and worshipfull Family neer Ilfracombe in the County of Devon having prodigally mispent his Patrimony he entred on severall projects which centred in a designe and perswasion of his being a Prince In this he was so confident that be blushed not to tell Queen Elizabeth that he preferred rather to he Soveraign of a Mole-hill then to be the highest Subject to the greatest King in Christendome adding moreover that he was assured he should be a Prince before his death I hope said Queen Elizabeth I shall hear from you when you are stated in your principality I will write unto you quoth Stukely In what language said the Queen He returned in the stile of Princes To our dear Sister Earle of Oxford HEnry Vere the seventeenth of that name Earle of Oxford and the last Lord Chamberlain of England of his Family whose sturdy nature would not bow to Court Complements but maintain what he spake came one day to the Court with a great milk white Feather about his Hat which was then somewhat unusuall save that a person of his merit might make a fashion a Lord an Enemy to his Family and one whose ancestors were blemished said in a way of jeer to him My Lord you wear a very fair Feather It is true said the Earl and if you mark it there 's ne're a Taint in it Indeed that Noble Family deserve their Motto Vero nil verius A Bite TWO Gentlemens Servants falling out one belonging to a Courtier of great place another to a Countrey Esquire fell at last to vye the noblenesse of their Masters and their superiority saith the one My master spends more in Mustard then thine in Beef whereunto the other returned The more sawcy men his Followers Mr. Richard Hackluit Mr. Richard Hackluit a very memorable person who writ that book of the English Voyages so usefull for all Sea-Men for which he deserves well of this Nation dying left a very fair Estate to an unthrift Son who embezilled it all away in a shamlesse manner vanting that be had cheated the covetous Usurer who had given him spick and span new money for the old land of his great great Grandfather Beggars Bush THere is a place called Beggars Bush in Huntingtonshire grown into a Proverb This is the way to Beggars Bush it happened that King James being in progresse in those parts with Sir Francis Bacon the Lord Chancellour having heard that morning that my Lord had prodigiously rewarded a mean man for a small present Sir Francis said he You will quickly come to Beggars Bush and I may even go along with you if both be so bountifull Name ONE immoderately boasted that there was not any of his name in all England and yet he was a Gentleman to whome one in the company returned I am sorry Sir you have never a good man of your name Sir Walter Rawleigh SIR Walter Rawleighs first admittance to Queen Elizabeths favour was from this occasion he was one day at Court after his coming out of Ireland in a very good habit his cloaths were then a considerable part of his Estate and there found the Queen walking till meeting
with a plashy place the Queen scrupled to go therein presently Rawleigh cast and spread his new Plush Cloak on the ground whereon the Queen trod gently rewarding him afterwards with many suits for so free a tender of so fair a foot cloath after he had attained her open favour he found many enemies which worth never wanteth at Court besides cowardly detractions of whom Sir Walter was wont to say If any man accuseth me to my face I will answer him with my mouth but my taile is good enough to returne an answer to such who traduce me behind my back An Italian Humour LET him that will be happy for a day go to the barber for a week marry a wife for a moneth buy him a new horse for a year build him a new house for all his life time be an honest man Law Suit A Lady would traverse a Suit of Law against the will of her husband who was contended to buy his quiet I forbear the names both of them and the judge because so lately done and it becomes not the persons by giving her her will therein though otherwise perswaded in his conscience the cause would goe against her The Lady dwelling in the shire Town invited the judge to dinner though thrifty enough of her selfe treated him with very sumptuous entertainment Dinner being done the judge returned to the bench where the cause being called the judge gave it clearly against her And when afterwardes in passion she vowed never to invite judge again Nay wife said he vow never to invite a just judge any more Sir Francis Cheyney SIr Francis Cheyney made by Queen Elizabeth Baron of Tuddington in Bedfordshire of a very ancient noble family and as great and larg demesnes Patrimony was in his youth very wild and venturous so that on a time he played at dice in his travels in the quality of an English Peer with Henry the second of France from whom he won a Diamond of great worth at a cast whereupon being demanded by the King what shift he would have made to repair himselfe in case he had lost the cast I have replyed my Lord in an hyperbolicall bravery Sheeps Tails enough in Kent with their wool to buy a better Diamond then this Earle of Carnarvon THe Earle of Carnarvon who so valiantly and resolutly witnessed his Loyalty in several fights for King Cbarles the first of blessed memory who gave him his Honour was mortally wounded at the first Battel of Newbery in his agony of death he was desired by a Lord to acquaint him what suit he would have to his Majesty in his behalfe the said Lord promising to discharge his trust in presenting his request and assuring him that his Majesty would be willing to gratify his desire to the utmost of his power To whom the Earle replyed I will not dye with any suit in my mouth to any King save to the King of Heaven Ship Money THe begining of our late unnaturall broyles was among other causes inputed cheifly to the imposition of Ship-money for which Mr Hambden was condemned in the Exchequer in a penall Sume by the consent of ten of the judges who gave their opinion that that Taxe was legal only Judge Hutton and Judge Crook declared against it so that a stop was put to the levying of it whereupon a Countryman no friend to the prerogative said wittily The King may get Ship-money by Hooke but not by Crook but since that time other Taxes ten times heavyer have been taken from us by Hook and Crooke together Coat of Arms. IT is the rule general in Armes that the playner the ancienter and so consequently the more Honourable to this purpose a memorable Gentleman the beginning of whose Gentry might easily be remembred for its late rise was mocking at the plain coat of an ancient Esquire to whom the Esquire returned I must be fain to wear the Coat which my Great great great great grandfather left me But had I had the happyness to have bought one as you did it should have been guarded after the newest Fashion Extraction IT happened in the raign of King James when Henry Earle of Huntington was Lord Lieutenant of Leicestershire that a Labourers son in that County was pressed into the Wars being to go over with Count Mansfeild into Germany The old man at Leicester requested his Son might be discharged as being the only staffe of his age who by his industry maintained him and his mother The Earle demanded his name which the man for a long time was loth to tell as suspecting it a fault for a poor man to confesse so proud a truth at last he told his name was Hastings Cosen Hastings said the Earle we cannot all be top branches of the same Tree though we all spring from the same Root your Son my Kinsman shall not be pressed Complement A Gentleman a Courtier and who had potent recommendations from King James to a Lady of Quality and Honour to set off his Suit with the greatest splendor came alwayes attended with a large retinue one whereof was to be near his Person now they were only hired for that day and so dismist at night when he came from his wooing This was observed by the Lady One night therefore taing leave of her at the stayre foot where his man attended him he proffered to salute her as the good-night civility to which Spare your Complement said shee for probably I shall shortly see you again but let me I pray you salute your servant whom I shall never see again King James KING James first coined his 22. shillings peice of Gold called Jacobusses where on his head he wore a Crown after that he coined his 20. shillings and wore the Lawrel in stead of the Crown upon which mutation Ben. Johnson said pleasantly That Poets being alwayes poor Bayes were rather the Embleme of Wit then wealth since King James no sooner began to wear them but he fell two shillings in the pound in publique valuation Bishops SOon after those tumults and clamours at Westminster when thereby Bishops were outed illegally from their places in the House of Lords the assembly then sitting at the Deanes House of Westminster a reverend Bishop dyed and was buried as otherwise it could not be obtained by Mr Herle the President of that Assembly who the next day meeting with a friend of his of the Episcopall perswasion said unto him somewhat insultingly last night I buried a Bishop dashing more at his profession then person to whom the other returned with a like latitude to both sure you buried him in hop of Resurrection And this as to the sacred Function and order wee see performed Goats IT is known that Goats are the principall brood of Wales and of great bignesse and are the best food where sheep cannot be had during the restraint of Queen Elizabeth by her Sister Queen Mary in the Custody of Sir Henry Benefeild so that none were admitted accesse unto
flattery as unbecoming men to no greater a person then a Bishop he answered that it was none of his fault but the Prelat's who carried his eares in his Feet Lord Wentworth AFter my Lord Wentworth Ancestor to the Earle of Cleveland had lost Calice through want of a sufficient Garrison being forced on a sudden by the Duke of Guise to a surrender who had failed of another great enterprise on Naples the Queen never dawed day but with the complaints of Quintili redde legiones render me Calice quite spent her selfe the Lord Chamberlain delivering her one night the Key she sighed and said this is not the key of Calice which was alwayes held for the Key of France Earle of Dorset ONE Captain Beale served my Lord with hats which he prized at high and excessive rates my Lord understanding by his Steward the rate of his bills sent for his Haberdasher Sir quoth my Lord what is your meaning to set me such prizes in which there is no conscience why my Lord quoth Captain Beale we citizens must ballance accounts if you do not pay me then you cheat me but if you do then I cheat your Lordship The grand Seignour DON John of Austria was Generall at the fight of Lepanto against the Turkes where he gave them a signall overthrow this being related to the Grand Seigniour who had lately taken the whole Kingdome of Cyprus from the Venetians he contentedly said that the losse of a Fleet to him was but as the shaving of his beard which would grow again but the losse of a Kingdom was like the lopping off a member Philip the second of Spain HE was of so rare a temper that after his invincible Armado was defeated upon the English Coasts and dispersed with winds driven about the Coast of Ireland back again upon the newes thereof he only said that he sent not out that Fleet to fight against the Windes Another time having writ expresses to Flanders when they were fairly copyed he gave them to his secretary to throw sand upon them who mistaking the box throw'd Ink in stead of it and wholly defaced them he said no more but went into his Chamber and transcribed them Colonel Massey IT is commonly reported that at the seige of Gloucester before the Citizens burnt down the suburbs after the King had summoned it Prince Rupert sent word to the Governour that if he yeilded not presently he would forthwith fire him out to which Collonel Massey returned let the Prince do so and I will meet and fight with him in the Flame Lady Lambert MUch talke there was of some familiarity betwixt Oliver Cromwell and my Lady Lambert upon the device of the Instrument of Government which was cheifly assisted by Lambert upon mutuall assurances that he should succeed in the protectorship when that project took effect in December 1653 it was said by a wag that Olivers Instrument was found in my Lady Lamberts Placket Olivers Commissioners of the Treasury THere was a great complaint of money as occasion enough in the publique receits as they called them in that Parliament which was called in 1656 great stir was made for a supply among the rest an Act was propounded for the better regulation of the Exchequer which some fingerers of that money as most of them were such would have only to look forward to the future management of it saith Thurloe the Secretary Gentlemen if a man hath lost his purse whether should he look backward or forward my Lord hath lost his Purse Harry Marten THis Antimonarchical Person being condemned for the execrable murther of King Charles was after sentence he coming in upon the Kings Proclamation brought before the House of Lords to shew cause why he should not suffer due execution of his judgement to which he returned answer that true it was he could not nor did expect any favour from that House whose extirpation he had endeavorured and as to the King he acknowledged he never had observed any of his or his predecessors Proclamations save one and for that he should be hanged Lord Bruce SIR Edward Sackvile afterwards Lord Dorset was challenged by this Lord to fight with him in the low Countreys upon some fend betwixt them in the duel they were both grievously wounded yet would not give over at last it was my Lord Dorsets fortune to throw him upon a close and having him at this advantage proffered him his life no quoth the Scotch Lord I scorne to accept it at the hands of an English man and I then scorne saith Dorset to give it to a Scotch man Monsiure Bellieure WHen the King was in the hands of the Scotch at Newcastle and bargained and sold by them to the English this Monsiure being the French Kings Ambassadour came thither and seeing the sale agreed upon departed at his going away Lashley sent a Guard of horse to bring him into the English Quarters where being arrived he called for the Corporall of the squadron and having a halfe Crown in his hand demanded of him what that peice was thirty pence Sir said he even for so much the Jewes betrayed our Saviour take this among you FINIS A TABLE OF THE NAMES OF Those PERSONS in these Collections  Folio HEnry the 8. 1 Queen Elizabeth 2 Lord Hunsden 3 Lord Treasurer 4 Lord cheife Justice 5 King Wardrope 6 Shoomaker no Gentleman 7 Sir William Clarke 8 Lord Spencer 9 Doctor Preston 10 Sir Thomas Moor. 11 Sir Horatio Pollavieini 13 Lord Bacon 14 Doctor Perne 15 Queen Elizabeth 17 Wood of Kent 18 Bishop Bancroft ibid A Pike 19 Apes 20 Lord William Ceeil 21 Master Sutton the founder of that Hospital 22 Sir Robert Dymock the Kings Champion 23 Sir Thomas Gresham 24 Cambridge Disputation 25 Sir John Cutts 26 The Countesse of Shrewsebury 27 Sir Arthur Chichester 28 Thomas Stukely 29 Earle of Oxford 30 A Bite 31 Master Richard Hackluit ibid Beggars Bush 32 Name 33 Sir Walter Rawleigh ibid An Italian Humor 34 Law Suit 35 Sir Francis Cheney 36 Earle of Carnarvon 37 Shipmoney 38 Coat of Armes 39 Extraction ibid Complement 40 King James 41 Bishops 42 Welchmen 43 Another ibid Bishop Gloucester 44 The Kings Porter 45 Parson Bull. 46 Lord Goring 47 Gentleman 48 Sir Henry Marten 49 Boots ibid Sir Gilbert Talbot 50 Sir Robert Naunton 51 A Learned Maide 52 Bishopricks 53 Marston Moore 54 Wales 55 Welch Gentleman ibid Lord Bacon 57 Another 58 Henry the 8. 59 Evesham Bridge 60. Organs 61. Queen Mary 62 Disputation 63 Lord Hunsdon 64 King Philip. 65 Terme 66 Stumps the Clothier 68 Sir Thomas Wyat. 69 Henry the 8. 71 King James a hunting 72 Sir Henry Rush 73 A Voyage 74 Hispaniola ibid Cardinal Wolsey 75 Ambition 76 A moral ibid Sir Thomas Roe 77 A Polish Ambassadour 78 Another 79 Another ibid Sr. Jerome Bowes 80 Another 81 A young Maide 82 A Spanish Captain 83 Margaret Countesse of Richmond 85 An Astrologer 86 An unadvised Statesman 87 Henry the
8. 88 Cardinal Wolsey 89 A memorable thing 90 The Cardinal of Lorrain 91 Emperour Maximilian 92 King Charles the first 94 Generall Monke ibid Philip Landgrave of Hesse 95 A Fryar confessour 97 A Matron 98 A Lyar. 99 Ben. Johnson ibid Lewis the 12 of France 100 A Cavalier ibid The little or foolish Parliament 101 Peter House in Cambridge 103 Count Maurice of Nassau and Spinola ibid A Coward 104 Goldsmiths Hall 105 Count Gundomar ibid Sir Thomas Moore 106 Another 107 Again ibid Courtiers 108 Henry the 8. ibid Lord Chancellor Hatton 109 Lord Cheife Justice Richardson 110 Philip the second ibid A Courtier in Debt 111 Another 112 Hispaniola 113 Parliament Coine ibid Lord Treasurer 114 A present 115 Lord Bacon ibid Judge Popham 116 Pace the Fooll 117 Bishop Latimer ibid Mendoza 118 A Country man at Assizes ibid A Pursivant 119 Admiralty ibid Sir Francis Bacon 120 Another 121 Sir Francis Bacon ibid Lord Henry Howard 123 Sir Fulke Grevil Lord Brook ibid Assected Gravity 124 Arch Bishop of Canterbury ibid A Tilting 125 Sultan Selymus 126 Consalvo the Great Captain ibid Sir Henry Wotton 127 Businesse ibid Robert Earle of Leicester 128 Earle of Essex ibid Caesar Borgia 129 A Court Maxim 130 Sir Nicholas Bacon 131 Cornbury Parke 131 Knights ibid French Massacre 133 Treasure 134 Retinue ibid Henry the Fourth 135 Proud Prelate 136 Lord Wentworth 137 Earle of Dorset ibid Philip the second of Spain 138 Collonel Massey ibid The Grand â—ignour 139 Lady Lambert 140 Olivers Commissioners of the Treasury 141 Harry Martin 142 Lord Bacon 143 Monsieur Bellicure ibid FINIS To the Reader THE Reader is desired to excuse the Collector of these Jocoseria is in some places Names be wanting for it was neither safe nor satisfactory ADVERTISEMENT THere is lately Printed the History of the Commons War throughout these three Nations of England Scotland and Ireland The like exact account never before Printed faithfully Collected by an impartiall Hand Sold by Joshua Coniers at the black Raven in the long Walke neer Christchurch Bookes lately Published THE English â—ove◠〈…〉 worth Gold both 〈…〉 Actâ—â— with general applause now newly formed into a Romaâ—ce by the acâ—â—aâ—â— Peâ— of I. â— Gent. A Compendious Chronicle of the Kingdom of Portugall from Alphonso the first King to Alphonso the sixth now reigning Those excellent Fancies intituled Don Juan Lamberto or a Comical History of our late Times first and second Part by Montelion Knight of the Oracle ☞ A new English Grammer for Forreigners to learn English with a Grammer for the Spanish or Castilian Tongue with special Remarkes on the Portugues Dialect for the service of her Majesty whom God preserve The Life and Death of that reverend Divine and excellent Historian Dr. Thomas Fuller lately deceased Studii Legalis Ratio or Directions for the study of the Law under these heads the Qualifications for the Nature Meanes Method Time and Place of the Study by W. Phillips of Grayes Inn c. price one shilling Bookes in the Press ready to publish this Tearme AN Exact Collection of the choicest Songs and Poems from 1639. to 1661. Relating to these Times Written by the most eminent Wits A new Discovery of the French Disease and Running of the Reines their Causes Signes with plain and easy direction of perfect curing the same by R. Bunworth the second Edition corrected with large Additionals The Poor Schollar a Comedy All sold by H. Marsh at the Princes Armes in Chancery lane near Fleet-street
Curia quasi Incuria â—â—ld by Hen Marsh and Ios Coniers 〈…〉 Fragmenta Aulica OR COURT AND State Jests IN Noble Drollery TRUE and REALL Ascertained to their Times Places and Persons By T. S. Gent. London Printed for H. Marsh at the Princes Armes in Chancery-lane near Fleetstreet and Jos Coniers at the Black-Raven in the long Walk near Christ Church 1662. TO THE COURT WE invite you here to these Fragmenta Aulica peices of wit and festivity which make up the whole entertainment of the last seven Reignes of our and their cotemporary Princes Some few scraps of these have been published in miscellanies and common prostitutions of vulgar conceits and like such issues have wanted both name and place being meerly fathered on the credulous Reader Such princely incognito stories proving meer popular cheats and impostures These false citations are here rectifyed the antique Authority of them cleared being as by their presumptuous circumstances will appear truly reduced to their undoubted originals both History and other tracts of the times having been carefully and examinately considered Being thus assembled in this train and Equipage they returne to the place from whence they came as the suitablest and fittest for their reception There will be room enough amidst the throng of your businesse and employment for their entertainment and if the Genius of the place be not different from what it was as Pasquil thinks not they may perhaps justle out more serious difficulties and finde easier accesse and attainment as the aire insinuates it self where the other heavier and dull Elements cannot proceed or move of themselves Some have wondred that among all the offices at Court whose vacancies have been supplyed none have taken the reversion of Archee The publisher therefore of these Joco-seria officiously substitutes himself as to the publique Others offended with the times and the nature name and quality of the place think the whole collectively taken to be a representative body of that venerable function and that there is no want or need of him these are mad-men because they are not as fine fools as formerly But the reason is ascribed to the constant sweetnesse of his Majesties temper which intermits not nor can be interrupted so that it should need to be peiced by borrowed mirth the reparties of his own serene thoughts naturally indulging his leysure such satisfaction beyond the strains of the quickest and facetest invention There are besides many very excellent in this way of Droll who are persons of the highest Honour that contribute much to this kinde of recreation and 't is all the unhappiness of these Collections that they cannot trace nor recover the quicknesse of those discourses so that very few modern Joco's are here inserted but there is a further reason to be given of it because the presentnesse of the time will not suffer them These your disports and trifles we poor mortals admire as Oracles and conceit our discourse highly improved if we can draw in one of these stories by the head and eares to embellish and set it off in earnest they are of as much profit as delight having a smatch or râ—sâ— of the Humor of 〈…〉 they pasâ—◠〈…〉 â—â—â—etent view they are submitted with a presumption they will not be even to you uselesse and unacceptable Yours T. S. COURT AND STATE JESTS OR Noble Drollery K. Hen. 8. A Company of little Boyes were by their Schoolmaster not many yeares since appointed to Act the play of King Henry the eight and one who had the presence or the absence rather as being of a whining voice puling spirit consumptive body was appointed to personate King Henry himselfe only because he had the richest cloaths and his Parents the best people of the parish but when he had spoke his speech rather like a Mouse then a Man one of his fellow Actors told him If you speak not HOH with a better spirit and voyce your Parliament will not grant you a Farthing Queen Elizabeth QUeen Elizabeth a great lover of her Clergy especially of the persons and acquaintance of those of the Prelacy or the next dignities to it took much delight in and highly valued the company of one Doctor David Whithead an accurate disputant and a very facetious person of a conscientious bluntness wherein one handsome clash or reported hapned The Queen one day who had not the same respects for married Clergy men said unto him Whithead I love thee the better because thou art unmarried In truth Madam said he I like you the worse because you are unmarried Henry Cary. HEnry Cary Lord Hunsdon something a Kin to Queen Elizabeth Ancestor to the Honourable Houses of Dover and Monmouth was a stout and great spirited Gentleman very cholerick but not malicious and a lover of men of their Hands Once one Mr. Colt to whom he owed a grudge met him coming from his House at Hunsdon to London with a Lordly retinue my Lord gave Colt a box of the eare Colt presently returned it with interest therupon my Lord servants drawing their swords swarmed about him you Rogues said the L â— may not I and my Neighbour change a blow but you must interpose so the quarrel began and ended in a moment Lord Treasurer LYonel Lord Cranfeild bred a Merchant in London who was said to be his Tutor and own university was especially conversant about the Custome-house which was the seminary of his Fortune He being made Lord Treasurer by King James 1612. having married a Kinswoman of the D. of Buckingham thought himselfe able not only to stand with out but in some cases against him which the Duke not enduring he was outed of his Treasurersship after he had held it four years and fined to the King in a very great summe How ever losing his Office he saved himselfe departing from that Office in an Age when it was hard to keep it Insomuch that one asking what was good to preserve life was answered get to be Lord Treasurer for they seldome dye in their Places proved to be true for four successions The Office of Lord Treasurer was alwayes beheld as a place of great trust and profit One well skilled in the perquifit ther of being demanded what he conceived the yearly value of the place might be worth made answer That it might be worth some thousands of pounds to him who after his death would goe instantly to heaven twice as much to him who would goe to Purgatory and No body knowes what to him who would adventure to go to Hell Cheife Justice THe Cheife Justice of the Common Pleas is in place beneath in profit above the Lord cheife Justice for this reason Sir Edward Montague in Henry the eights being demanded the reason of degrading himselfe from the Kings bench to the other cheife justiceship answered I am now an old man and love the Kitchin better then the Hall the warmest place best suiting with my Age. The Kings Wardrope IN the Kings Wardrope is a rich
peice of Arras presenting the Sea-sight in 88. which at severall audiences of Ambassadors hath been used for magnificence in the banqueting House as in Cromwels usurpation and wherein were wrought the living portractures of the cheifest Commanders in that service on a time a Captain who highly prized himselfe and his valour in that naval fight coming to Court and missing his picture therein complained of the injury to his friend professing of himselfe that he merited a place there as well as some therein remembred for that he was engaged in the middle of the fight Be content said his friend thou hast been an old Pyrate and art reserved for another hanging A Shoomaker no Gentleman SIr Philip Calthrop a very merry Gentleman of the County of Norfolk being newly come from Court where he had observed the fashion to be upon great dayes in those times of Henry the seaventh to wear gownes of light coloured cloath sent to his Taylor in Norwich as much cloth of fine French Tawney as would make him such a vesture It happened one John Drakes a Shoomaker of some wealth coming into the shop liked it so well that he went bought of the same as much for himself enjoyning the Tailor to make it exactly after the fashion he made the Knights who sending for his Gowne by his servant he espied another of the same in the shop and enquiring whose it was the Master told him and the order he had for the making it up This being told sir Philip he sent a new command that the Taylor should cut in his as many holes and slashes as his knife and sheares could find place for and so send it him which he did and accordingly cut the Shoomakers in the very same manner and carried it home where Prince Crispin began to be wroth but understanding it was the mode that the Knights was made his combe fell saying he would be a Gentleman no more Sir William Clark SIR William Clark a Gentleman much conversant in Court a great Masquer and acceptable to the Ladies being a man of excellent shape and goodly feature and proportion was one night at a Masque in Whitball where were present King JAMES and Queen Anne after a scene or two he having some Office or charge for that night while the stage was free passed over to the other side about some businesse and with such a stately and strutting pace befitting his present employment that a Lady knowne unto him thinking to put a jeere upon him said Sir pray have a care you hurt not your selfe by stradling so wide I wonder what ayles you to whom he he presently and openly retorted In troth Madam if you had that betwixt your legs which I have it would make you straddle a great deal wider Lord Spencer RObert Lord Spencer Baron of Wormleighton being a Man of a quick and clear spirit speaking one day in Parliament of the valour of their English Ancestors in defending the Liberties of the Nation the Earle of Arundel stood up and replyed your Ancestors were keeping of sheep that Lord and his Predecessors being known for the greatest Sheep-masters in England when those Liberties were defended If they were a keeping of sheep returned the other yours were then in plotting of Treason This animosity for the present cost both of them a confinement yet so that afterwards the upper House ordered reparations to this Lord Spencer as first and causelessely provoked Doctor Preston DOctor Preston was the greatest Pupil-monger in England in Mans memory having sixteen fellow Commoners most Heires to faire estates admitted in one year in Queens Colledge and provided convenient accomodations for them As William the popular Earle of Nassaw Prince of Aurange was said to have won a subject from the King of Spain to his own party every time he put off his Hat so it was commonly said in the Colledge that every time Mr. Preston plucked off his Hat to Dr. Davenant the Master he gained a Chamber or Study for one of his Pupils among whom one Chambers a Londoner was eminent for his learning Being afterwards chosen himselfe Master of Emanuel Colledge he removed thither with most of his Pupils and when it was much admired where all these should find lodging in that Colledge which was so full already one replyed Mr. Preston will carry Chambers along with him Sir Thomas More SIR Thomas More being committed to the Tower for refusing the Oath of Supremacy being as in his time it was the custome and also to our memory observed that the Prisoners there were not dieted at their own but the Kings charges the Lieutenant of the Tower providing their food for them when the said Lieutenant one day said unto him by way of complement that he was sorry his Commons were no better I like said Sir Thomas the dyet very well and if I dislike it turn me out of Doores A Courtier coming to him while in restraint with proffer of mercy from the King if he would comply with his Majesties will and take the said Oath he replyed that His minde was now changed whereupon the Courtier departed and told the King that Sir Thomas would submit himself to his grace in that matter which the King willing to accept gave him order to repaire to the Tower again and receive it in a forme under his hand At his return challening Sir Thomas with his promise he wondring told him that he meant only by changing his minde that whereas he had resolved to shave himselfe before his Execution he would now let his beard suffer with his head to the abashment of the man who so confidently had informed the King of Sir Thomas his conversion The same Sir Thomas during his Chancellorship had his Lady well attended by a handsome retinue especially at going to Church living then in Chelsey where her Gentleman-usher alwayes after my Lord was out of his seat after Sermon used to wait upon his Lady telling her Madam my Lord is gone It hapned that upon this score of the supremacy sir Thomas was put from that dignity whereupon the next Sunday after as soon as Church was done having the week before dismist most of his servants intending to live privately he came to his Ladies Pew himselfe and said unto her alone in passing Madam my Lord is gone meaning the Chancellor and so walkt home before her Sir Pallavicin Horatio ONe Seignior Pallavicin a Genoese who lived in England a kin to Sir Horatio boasting of his Nobility and high extraction as descended from an illustrious House was thus answered by a blunt Citizen who from mean Parentage had risen to great wealth reputation and honor and so I saith he also am come of an illustrious House where the Sun constantly shone through the rotten walls and roofes thereof My Lord Bacon IT is storied of my Lord Bacon to his advantage that when he was Lord Chancellor he had two servants one in all causes Patron to the Plaintiffe whom charity presumed always
her a Goat was espied by a merry fellow one of her Warders to be walking alone with her where upon taking the goat on his shoulders he in all hast hurried him to Sir Harry I pray said he examine this fellow whom I found walking with her Grace but what talke they had I know not not understanding his Language he seems to me a stranger and I believe a Welchman by his freize Coat Another THomas ap William ap Thomas ap Richard ap Howell ap Evan ap Vaughan c. Esquire being born of Worshipfull parentage at Moston in this County was empannelled of a Jury by the aforesaid Names in the reign of King Henry the Eight whereupon by the advice of the Judge his name was contracted he consenting to it into Moston the place of his Nativity and ancient Inheritance This leading case was a precedent to the practice of other Gentrey in Wales who leaving their Pedigrees at Home carry only one Sir-name abroad with them whereby much time especially in winter when the dayes are short is gained for better employment Bishop of Gloucester DOctor Goodman Bishop Gloucester in the raign of King Charles the first when he dyed declared himselfe by his will a Roman Catholick an intimation whereof he gave at the convocation in 1640. where he refused to subscribe the Canons and was therefore and for other Erroneous opinions inprisoned by his Brother Prelates was wont to say complayning of our first Reformers that Bishop Ridley was a very odd Man to whom one presently returned He was indeed an odd Man my Lord for all the Popish party in England could not match him with his equall in learning and Religion The Kings Porter WIlliam Evans Porter to King Charls the first was a Welchman of Monmouthshire and may justly be accounted a Giant for his stature being full 2. yards and a halfe in height He succeeded Walter Parsons who would take two of the biggest of the Guard under each arme as a liver and gizard and so carry them exceeded him 2. inches in Height but far beneath him in an equall proportion of body for he was not only what the Latines call Compernis knocking his knees together and going out squalling with his feet but also bandylegd a little yet he made a shift to dance at an Antimasque in Court where he drew little Jeffery out of his pocket first to the wonder then to the laughter of the Beholders Parson Bull. UPON the happy and most auspicious restauration of our Soveraign to his Kingdomes one Parson Bull a Minister who had as loyally as learnedly maintained and asserted his Majesties cause had a benefice of some value conferred on him by the Kings gift but before his Patent could be sealed the Lord Chancellour upon some presentation had disposed it or some way it happened that he was hindred so that the Parson had spent all his money in towne in attending of it One day therefore seeing his money grew short he put his hand in his pocket and finding nothing there but the Kings Grant with his hand to it he went confidently to his Majesty and told Him that he had lost all the money out of his pocket and found none but his Majesties hand therein at which the King smiled and asked him if his business was not dispatched he replied no Thereupon he was expressely recommended to the Chancellour for expedition of his Patent who at his addresse understanding him to be a wit said unto him pray what 's your name Bull said the Parson where are then your Hornes said my Lord if it please your Lordship replyed he the Hornes alwayes go with the Hide Lord Goring GEorge Earle of Norwich Lord Goring being sentenced by the High Court of justice for that same crime of Loyalty with the ever Honourable Lord Capell for their most noble defence of the Town Colchester in 1648. was at the point of death by the potent intercession of the Spanish Ambassador reprieved from Execution which Duke Hambleton Earle of Holland and Lord Capell deplorably suffered This Earle being visited after this reprieve and asked how he did answered I had thought to have pulled off my Doublet but now I have leisure to Hooke up my Breeches A Gentleman A Gentleman coming to Court as he was lighting out of his Coach asked a Page or Lacquy that retained to some Person therein very hastily what a Clock it was to whom the lad said Sir what will you give me then The Gentleman wondering at the boy asked him what he meant by it Sir saith he I would not have you mistake your selfe We Courtiers doe nothing without money Sir Henry Martin SIR Henry Martin Father to the unfortunate Harry Martin a criminal in the horrid murder of the King was a very fine Gentleman and a very learned Person By King James he was worthily advanced in the sphere of his study the civil Lawes wherein he was very eminent to be Judge of the Prerogative for Probate of Wills and also of the admiralty in Cases concerning foreign traffique so that as King James used to say pleasantly That he Sir Henry was a mighty Monarch in his jurisdiction over Land and Sea the living and the dead Boots WHen Doctor John Gostin was last Vice Chancellor of Cambridge being Master of Caius Colledge and an excellent Physician it was highly penal for any Scholar to appear in Boots it being not thought civil Now a Scholar undertook for a small wager much beneath the penalty to addresse himselfe booted to the vice Chancellor which was thought a dangerous presumption so carrying an Urinal in his hand he craved his advice for a cure of an hereditary numnesse in his Legs which he was fain to keep thus warm The Doctor pittyed him and dismist him with a remedy to boot with his wager Sir Gilbert Talbot SIR Gilbert Talbot being made Governor of Calis by King Henry the eight upon some advice or suspition that the French had some sudden design upon the place by surprisal was commanded peremptorily that presently and carefully he should look to his charge and fortifie the Town to whom sir Gilbert replyd being unprovided of necessaries as briefly as bluntly That without money he could neither fortify nor fiftify Sir Robert Naunton ONE Master Wiemark a wealthy Man a great Newes-monger and constant Pauls walker hearing the newes that day of the beheading of Sir Walter Rawleigh His head said he would do very well on the shoulders of Sir Robert Naunton then Secretary of State to King James These words were complained of and Wiemark summoned to the Privy Councel where he pleaded for himselfe that he intended no disrespect to Master Secretary whose known worth was above all detraction Only he spake in reference to an old proverb Two heads are better then one And so for the present he was dismissed Not long after when rich men were called on for a Contribution for St. Pauls Wiemark at the Councel Table subscribed a hundred
pound when Mr Secretary told Him two Hundred was better then one which betwixt Feare and Charity Wiemark was fain to subscribe A Learned Maide A Certain learned Maid being presented to King James as a mirrour of her Sexe for her skill in Languages Hebrew Greek and Latin besides the French c. which she could perfectly write and speak The King without any wonderment askt of her introducers if she could spin and some waggish Courtiers answer'd If it please your Majesty she is at age to chuse what occupation she pleaseth Bishopricks JOHN WATSON Deane of Winchester being informed that the Bishoprick thereof being vacant would be confered on him came to the Earle of Leicester the great Favourite and privately promised him two hundred pounds that he might not be made Bishop of Winchester but remain in his present Condition The Bishoprick being void and the Queen expressing her intention to confer it on Watson the said Earle requested the Contrary and would have used arguments against his Nomination but that not serving he was forced to tell the Queen that he had promised two hundred pounds to him to keep him from that dignitie and it would be so much out of his way Nay then said the Queen Watson shall have it he being more worthy to have it who will give two hundred pounds to decline it then he that will give 2000 P. to attain it Marston Moor. ON that fatal day to the Royal cause the Lord Goring in the begining of the Battel which was about 3. a Clock in the afternoon July 2. 1644 having with great valour and courage routed the left wing of the Parliament Army wherein the Scots were placed under Lashley their Generall who upon the rout fled a Yorkeshire mile and weabit the lord Diddup a Scotch Baron lately made therein happened to be killed when the account of the battel was given to the king he came to be mentioned as a ballance to my Lord Cary eldest son of the Earle of Monmouth slain on the Kings side At the naming of which Scotch Lord his Majesty said That he hardly remembred that he had such a Lord in Scotland to which one returned That the Lord had wholly forgotten that he had such a King in England Wales A Right worshipfull Knight in Wales who had a fair Estate therein his rents arising from much barren ground heard an Englishman perhaps out of much opposition to brag that he had in England so much ground worth fourty shillings an Acre you said he have ten yardes of Velvet and I have tenscore yardes of Freize I will not Exchange with you A Welch Gentleman KING James riding late home from Theobalds to Whitehall it happened that in the mid way it fell a raining very hard whereupon the King who before kept a due pace befitting his Majesty commanded his retinue and the Gentlemen neer Him to put on and make what speed they could Among the rest there was present a Welchman a retainer to the Earle of Pembroke but newly admitted to some Office and attendance on him who by the trick or slighting of the Groome had a very ill Horse put upon him Assoon as the word was given from the King the Traine flew with swiftnesse and the King with them The Welchman he spurred and fluttered with his legs to keep pace with him and with much busle headed the party neer the Kings Person where he fell a belabouring his Horse as if he were mad the King hearing the stir he made demanded who it was and what was the matter who replyed an 't please Her Majesty Her is as good a Shentleman as the best of them but Her Cattel cannot travell so fast Lord Bacon A Parliament being called in the year 1621. Francis Bacon Lord Chancellor was outed his office for bribery the frequent receiving whereof by him or his was plainly proved yet for all this his taking just and unjust he was exceeding poor and much indebted wherefore when motion was made in the House of Commons of fineing him some thousand of pounds Sir F. S. a noble Member standing up desired that for two reasons his Fine might be mitigated into fourty shillings First because that would be paid whereas a greater summe would only make a noise and never be payed secondly the shame would be the greater when such his prodigality that he who had been so large a taker in offices was reduced to such penury that fourty shillings should be conceived a sufficient Fine for his Estate So that what he got by the tryals at Barre as Attorney he lost by the tryals at Barre as Chancellour Another THE same Sir Francis having once invited Queen Elizabeth to his Mannour of Gorhambury a pleasant seat now in the possession of the Honourable Sir Harbotle Grimston Master of the Rolles the Queen was much taken with the scituation contrivance and beauty of the Fabrick but as her constant custome was to be a Critick in Architecture told Sir Francis that the House had but one fault it was too little to which Sir Francis replyed Madam that is not the Houses fault but yours who have made me the Master too great for it K. Hen. 8. KING Henry being a hunting came to the Abbot of Readings House to dinner to whom soon after he had little or rather a big stomack and found a Surloine of Beefe then so named by the King ready for dinner the Abbot not knowing who he was not guessing it by his small retinue bid him welcome and set the Beefe before him On which the King fed heartily while the Abbot no niggard or unhospitable Preist merryly smild to see him lay no so saying in a jest Sir I would give a hundred pounds I had as good a stomack and could feed so but my appetite is quite lost say you so thought the King having thankt the Abbot departed A weeke after he sends a Pursivant to bring the Abbot up to the Councell Table by whom without further examination he was committed to the Tower where the King had given expresse order that he should be kept with a very spare dyet and no releife admitted besides this dyet soon brought up the Gentlemans stomack so that he could be glad to have had a suffolke cheese and a twelfpeny loafe set before him being in this way to his cure the King appointed a Surloine to be made ready and came and dined with him where the Abbot taking him for a friendly visitant upon the mending of his commons fed lustily Loe saith the King am not I a good Doctor your Physick shall cost you but 50. pounds for your Fees the other halfe you shall keepe and if ever you fall into the same disease pray send for me And so gave him his liberty Evesham Bridge DUring our late unnatural Warre this Evesham was made a Garrison by the King and Collonel William Leg Governour thereof storm'd afterwards by Collonel Massey with much bravery and as well maintained It happened in
that Town one of the Garrison Horsemen going over the Bridge while the Town was in a hurry his Horse startled took a freake and leapt with his rider from off the Bridge into the River being a dangerous fall but coming plump down Horse and Man over head and eares swom out safely to the shore The Gentleman spurs him up and brings him to the same place of the Bridge again Quoth he you did it with a vengance before for your own pleasure you shall leape it again now for mine and so spurd him over and it pleased God they both came safe out again to the astonishment of the spectators Organs A Gentleman would needs invite a Lady to see the order and beauty of the Kings Chappell and one day waited upon her thither just as they came to the Door to enter the Organs went he takes her in his hand to presse through no indeed Sir saith she holding back I pray excuse me I do assure you I cannot dance Queen Mary GReat hopes there were by the Papists that Queen Mary was with Child nor did she think other of her selfe so that by Whitsontide it was expected she should be brought a bed many Processions and set prayers to the purpose were used a solemne thanksgiving for her inpregnation the time of her delivery thus Calculated neer thereabouts a Rumor was presently spread that the Queen was delivered of a hopefull Prince whereupon many bonfires were made in London with ringing of Bells and such like expressions of joy and the like solemnities were used soon after by the English at Antwerp In all which as there seemed a spice of madness yet none was altogether so wild as the Curate of St Anns neer Aldersgate who took upon him after the end of the procession to describe the proportion of the Child how fair how beautyfull and a great Prince it was adding The like whereof had never been seen Disputation AT the disputation at Oxford in Q. Maries Times between the Papists Doctor Arch Bishop Cranmer Bishop Ridley and Latimer then disputing for their lives Doctor Weston the Prolocutor opened the business in hand with this preface you must know that Transubstantiation was the thing to be maintained by the Romanists ye are assembled hither brethren this day to confound that detestable Heresy of the verity of the body of Christ in the Sacrament this occasioned no small shame in some more laughter in others which was heightned by as bad a solecisme in his behaviour for during the whole time of the coutroversy he had alwayes a cup of Wine or other good liquor standing by him when a cogent argument for their side which he well liked was urged having the cup in his hand he cryed out follow this insist upon this this makes for us which was spoken too in as bad Latin as manners Lord Hunsdon SIR Henry Cary of whom before was a great fauourite of Queen Elizabeths and who did her good service of which she was no heedlesse regarder in any of her subjects It is reported of him as cheife part of his Character that his Latin and his dissimulation and Courtship were alike false He was designed Earl of Wilishire but the Queen for some reasons delayed the investiture falling dangerously sick to comfort and revive him she then caused the Earles robes and the Patent to be brought to his bed side and there would have created him No Madam said the stout Lord you thought me not worthy of them while I was living and I thinke my selfe unworthy of them now I am a dying King Philip. CHarles the 5. having resigned all his hereditary Crownes and Dominions except the Empire of Germany to King Philip the second his son who was by the marriage with Queen Mary the potent'st Prince in Europe betook himselfe to a retired life in the Monastery of St Justus having then scarce attained to the 55. year of his life to the great admiration of all the World After which act he found himselfe so abandoned by all his followers that sitting up late at night in conference with Seldius his Brothers Ambassador he had not a servant within call to light the Gentlemen down stayres whereupon the Emperour took the candle into his own hands and would needes in his own person performe that office and having brought him to the top of the stayres said unto him Remember Seldius that thou hast known the Emperour Charles whom thou hast seen in the head of so many Armies reduced to so low a state as to performe the office of an ordinary servant to his Brothers Minster Terme IN the 5. of Queen Mary 1558 there was such a thin Terme that there was but one Lawyer in the Kings Bench Mr Foster and one Serjeant Mr Bouloise at the Common Pleas both having little more to do then to look about them and the Judges not more to do then the Lawyers had who in the quiet times were much increased as may be gathered from the words of Heiwood the old Epigrammatist and one much made of by this Queen who being told of the great number of them and that the multitude of them would impoverish the whole profession made answer No for that alwayes the more Spaniels there were in the field the more was the Game Stumps the Clothier KIng Henry the Eight hunting neer Malmsborough in the County of Wiltshire where this Tho. Stumps dwelt in Bredon Forrest came with all his Court Train unexpected to this Clothier being a Man of great wealth and the greatest Trade of cloathing in England But great House-keepers are as seldome surprized with guests as vigilant Captaines with enemies for Stumps hearing thereof commands his little Army of Workmen which he fed daily in his House to fast one meal until night which they might easily do without endangering their health and with the same provision gave the King and his Court Train though not so delicious and various most wholesome and plentifull entertainment Sir Thomas Wyat. SIR Thomas Wyat engaging in that Rebellion of Henry Gray Duke of Suffolk against Queen Mary upon pretence of her matching with a forrain Popish Prince being suspected thereof by the Queen was warned from her by a Herald at Armes sent to him to desist from further intelligence or commotion in that businesse on his allegiance and the penalties of Treason and Rebellion The Herald coming to Sir Thomas his House in Kent with his Coat Armour on his back found it to be moated round and the draw Bridge drawn up whereupon espying a Man walking on the other side he called to him told him the hast of his businesse and enquiring whether there was no passing over nor shallowes in the place The Man replyed yes he might go over there The Herald attempting it was souced over head and eares and his life endangered but recovering the bank he alighted from his Horse and with great fury and anger came storming into the House missing of his guide and complained
the kinnel where the Count shut up called out for help No quoth a stander by let him lye there ther 's a Proclamation we must not meddle with State matters Sir Thomas Moor. HAD only Daughters at the first one of whom at the last was of a very remarkable piety towards him and his wife did ever pray for a boy At last she obtained her wish the boy coming to mans estate proved but simple Sir Thomas thereupon said to his wife thou prayest so long for a boy that he will be a boy as long as he lives Another SIR Thomas Moor on the day he was beheaded had a Barber sent to him because his Beard and hear of his head was grown very long which was thought at Court would tender him the greater object of pity to the people The Barber accordingly came and asked him whether he would be pleased to be trim'd In good faith honest fellow said Sir Thomas the King and I have a Suit for my head and till the Title be cleared I will be at no cost about it Again THE same Sir Thomas when Lord Chancellor of England had sent him by a suiter in Chancery two silver Flagons When they were presented by the Gentlemans servant he said to one of his Men have him to the Celler and let him have of my best Wine and turning to the servant said Tell thy Master if he like it let him not spare it Courtiers IT is an old Adage that Princes Privados and Favourites of Kings were like casting Counters which are used in the Exchequer as in play to count by That sometimes they stand for one sometimes for ten sometimes for a hundred K. Hen. 8. IT is reported of Henry the eight that disguising himselfe in a mean habit he associated himselfe among some good fellowes in purpose to know what the people thought and said of him One of the company spoke something freely of him giving him a character which the King knew was not much out of the way Whome the King as a wary Concellour advised not to make discourses of Princes For if he should prayse them he should lye and if he dispraysed them he brought himselfe into danger Lord Chancellor Hatton IN his time when the Councellours of two Parties set forth the Limits and Boundaries of the Land in question by the Plat And the Councell of one part said we lye on this side my Lord and the Councell of the other part said and we lye on this side The Lord Chancellor arose and said If you lye on both sides whom will you have me to beleive Lord Chief Justice Richardson A Dilatory suit had been some time depending in the Kings Bench before him which the Plaintiffe could not bring to tryall at last he obtained a peremptory day the Desendant moved again for some reasons shewed desired a longer day 'T was in Trinity Terme quoth Judge Richardson you shall have the longest the Court can grant take the 11th of June Saint Barnabies day Philip the Second WHen Philip the second conquered Portugall he gave speciall charge to his Leiutenant that the Souldiers should not spoile lest thereby the hearts of the people should be alienated it came by this meanes to passe that the Army suffered much want of victuall Whereupon the Spanish Souldiers thereafter used to say That they had won the King a kingdome on Earth as the Kingdome of Heaven useth to be won by fasting and abstaining from that which is another Mans. A Courtier in Debt THere was a Courtier that dyed greatly in debt when the report of his death came to some company where divers of his Creditors usually met that he was dead one began to say Well if he be gone then he hath carried 500 l. of mine with him into the other World and another said 200 l. of mine and a third spake of great sums of his Whereupon one that was amongst them said I perceive now that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him into the other World yet he may carry away that which is another mans Another A Gentleman who had a debt due from a Lord lately returned into England by Bond came to him and acquainted his Lordship with it who referred him to his Steward or Solliciter at his Addresse to him he looks upon the Bond and seeing it to be of an old standing ever since 40. quoth he sir I have nothing to say to this this is an old debt replyed the other in a little heat hath your Lord contracted any new ones I thought there had been no more mad Men in England to have trusted them In the Land of Hispaniola UPon the landing of the English Army upon that place Proclamation was made that no man should plunder or take any Plate Bullion or Jewels upon pain of death the thirst and heat of travell did not more afflict and diminish their strength then the Proclamation abated their courage so that one merrier then the rest after their defeat said the General had done well to have prohibited their stripping the naked Molattos of their Breeches and Doublets also when they should fall into their hands Parliament Coyne A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out of that money taking it in his hand and turning it backward and forward when he had read the circumscription of it said Here are crosses enough I trow me but how long they shall last I know not for I see here the Common-wealth of England and God with Vs are not of one side Lord Treasurer WHen my Lord came first to be Lord Treasurer he complained to the Lord Chancellor Bacon of the troublesomnesse of the place for that the Exchequer was so empty The Lord Chancellor answered my Lord be of good cheer for now you shall see the Bottom of your businesse at the first A Present WHen peace was renewed with the French in England divers of the great Counsellors were presented from the French with Jewels The Earle of Northampton being then a Privy Counsellor was omitted whereupon the King said to him my Lord how happens it that you have not a Jewell as the rest my Lord answered according to the Fable in Aesop non sum Gallus ideoque non reperi Gemmam Lord Bacon WHen Sir Francis Bacon was made the Kings Attorney Sir Edward Coke was put from being Lord Chiefe Justice of the common Pleas to that of the Kings Bench which was observed before as a place above it in dignity below it in profit My Lord Coke meeting with Sir Francis Master Atturney saith he this change is all your doing it is you that have made this stir My Lord replyed he your Lordship hath all this while grown in bredth you must needs now grow in height or else you would be a Monster Judge Popham MAster Sarjeant Popham afterwards Lord Chiefe Justice Popham who said he would make the Road so safe that a man might travell with a white Wand in his hand and performed