should be an Honour to the Family and a Man of no ordinary Figure in the Orb of the Church CHAP. III. Seting forth the Spirit of Bondage seiz'd me in the very heighth of my Confidence of being in a good and sure state of Salvation What sad work it made with me and what means I used for Help and Relief under its killing and sinking Weight WHen I was about Twenty One Years of Age in the very heat and height of my Zeal in Prosecuting that Righteousness consisting of that Negative and Positive Obedience which the Law Moral enjoyns and requires as the condition of Life and Salvation It pleased God to send forth the Spirit of Bondage to Seize me to the end I might be Instructed and fully convinc'd how vain my Confidence of being Sav'd and going to Heaven in that self pleasing way of Legal Righteousness was The manner of it was thus being on the Day called Easter Monday at my Cathedral Devotion in the Place call'd Christ Church in Dublin a Place I constantly frequented to Morning and Evening Service and a Place which I more Zaelously Lov'd and Venerated than any Place in the World besides For that I verily conceited in my self it was as the very Entrance into Heaven it self After the Service was ended one Dr. Golborn Preach'd his Text was in Ephes 5. 14. Wherefore he saith Awake thou that sleepest and arise from the dead and Christ shall give thee light A Good and Choice Text but how well or ill Handled I must acknowledge my self to have been at that time a very incompetent Judge to say or determine About the middle of the Sermon as near as I could guess there was darted into my mind this sad and killing Thought viz. that I had the day before Received the Sacrament unworthily which sad Thought was back'd with that of 1 Cor. 11. 29 For he that Eateth and Drinketh unworthily Eateth and Drinketh Damnation to himself not descerning the Lords Body This sad and dismal Thought back'd as I said with that Scripture just now Quoted Not any Word spoken by the Preacher was that which seiz'd my Mind and let in the Spirit of Bondage upon me No sooner had I look'd this 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 oâ— â—ore-runner of the Spirit of Bondage in the Face compareing it with the place already mentioned but I concluded my self a lost and an undone man My Spirit was in such an amazing Fright and over whelming consternation to think that I was most certainly Damn'd to all intents and purposes that indeed I verily thought all the People in the place were a swarm or a Legion of Devils which God in revengefull wrath had sent from the Bottomless Pit to guard and attend my Guilty Soul thither The apprehensions I had of being Damn'd and sent to Hell so rack'd and tormented my Spirit that I found my self unable to stay till Sermon was ended Away I ran out of that Place to shun as I then thought those swarms of Devils which I strongly conceived were to guard me to Hell As soon as I came to my Lord of Santry's where I then Liv'd I entered my Chamber with a sad and heavy Heart God knows to my Knees I go with an intent to Pray if so be there might be any scrap of Hope of my escaping being Eternally Damn'd But alass What Tongue or Pen can Relate the Pass and condition I was then at My Reason my Conscience and my very Speech were as it were Plung'd and Drown'd in the Gulph of Despair so that I could neither utter a Word in Prayer nor yet consider what I should do to Relieve my Bleeding Soul in that sore distress I durst not abide in my Chamber fearing to see and feel the Devils actually to Seize me To the Minister of the Parish I went from whose Hands I Received the Sacrament but the Day before not knowing but that he might Administer some kind of Relief to one in my condition He observing the gastliness of my Looks and taking notice that somewhat ailed me he asked me how I did to which I could not Reply He pressing to know what the matter was I at length in a very abrupt and broken manner told him that I was full of the apprehensions and fears that I was a Damn'd Man and that there was no hopes of Mercy for such a one as I was The Minister somewhat surprized at so sudden and so great a Change since but the Day before he began to Examin what great and heinous Sins one of my Age and one in so encouraging Circumstances as I was in could be guilty of which should occasion such sad Despair He mentioned some Texts of Scriptures thereby hoping to have given some Relief to my weary gasping Soul but all in vain God's time of Healing me being not yet come And finding by my frequent coming to him for Ease and Comfort to how little purpose he had laboured with me he at length advised me to Ride into the Country to Visit my Father and other Relations and by that means as also by Exercising my self with such Exercise as I formerly delighted in as Shooting with the Gun and Angling to divert my Melancholy Thoughts This I was glad to hear of my own Inclinations leading so strongly to it in order to the effecting of which I Addressed my self to my Lord's House-Keeper entreating her to acquaint my Lord that in regard of some present Indisposition under which I laboured and in order to my Health I had not only an inclination but was advised to Visit my Father in the Country in order whereto I thought it convenient to acquaint his Lordship therewith to the end I might obtain not only his Lordships free consent but also the liberty of a Horse to perform my intended Journey The House-Keeper no sooner delivered my request to my Lord but my Lord Commands her to call me up into his Chamber As soon as I received the Command I fell immediately into a great Sweat and sore Trembling up I went and being entered into the Chamber my Lord Locks the Chamber Door and laying his Hat on a Cabinet sits down in his Chair and with an earnest and piercing Eye looks on a pretty while before he Speaks I all the while sweating and quaking At length my Lord begins with James what ails you What is the matter I hear you go privately to Ministers there is somewhat ails you What is it I perceiving by my Lord's Discourse that the Minister of the Parish had acquainted my Lord with my Case I found my self far more uneasie than before My Sweat and Trembleings of Soul encreasing upon me My Lord continued querying What ails you James tell me what is the matter I was so overwhelm'd in my Spirit that my Speech was swallowed up as Job saith Job 6. 3. But my Lord not letting me alone but with earnest Importunities pressing to know what I ailed I at length as a poor Condemn'd Caitiff hanging by a
Felicity When at any time I heard them talk boastingly of the Honour and Credit of the Family I could not forbear expressing my Contempt of the same Telling them to their very Face that the Blood of Jesus not the Blood of my Progenitors according to the Flesh was that which made me Noble and truly Honourable And that he or she who were advanced to the Highest Degree of Honour whereto an Earthly King could possibly advance and were not wash'd in the Lambs Blood the Higher their Honour and Greatness is the greater and more Intollerable would be the Doom and Condemnaton of such when by Death they go hence Now I began to disrelish and discover what small èsteem I had of the Liturgy and Ceremonies of the Church of which I had formerly been so extreamly Zealous Three Things chiefly occasioned this First The apprehension I had of the Purity and Holiness of God's Nature which requires a Worship suited to his own Pure and Spiritual Being according to that in Joh. 4. 24. Secondly I Considered that no Worship could possibly find acceptance with God but such a Worship as is stamp'd with God's own Institution which I was then apprehensive and am now more fully convinced the Liturgy and Ceremonies of the Church are not the same being Devised by Men and Imposed by Human Authority without any the least Warrant from the Word of God According to Esa 8. 20. Esa 29. 13. Mat. 15. 8. 9. Thirdly The sad Experience I had of the uusuitableness of such a Worship to an Awakened and a Renewed Soul while I was in a Natural State Ignorant of God and the Nature of my Soul and things truly Spiritual I was exceeding Zealous in doing and Performing that Service which now I find is of little avail either to a Pleasing God or profiting an awakened Conscience The Spirit of God having in effectual Calling Taught and Convinced me that no Worship or Ordinance in Religion can be Food to Nourish and Satisfy a Hungry Soul But such Worship as is Instituted by and suited to Please God God will be found Savingly of none but those who seek him in the Ways of his own Institutions According to Prov. 8. 32. 1 Pet. 2. 2. Soon after this The Care and Providence of Christ my Chief Sheppard directed me to attend the Ministry of Mr. Samuel Mather with whom I afterwards sate down in full Communion to my Souls great Comfort and Edification in the Knowledge of Christ Notice being taken in the Family where I lived that I discontinued going to the Cathedral Worship the which I commonly attended with a more than ordinary Zeal sometimes three times and sometimes four times in the same Day And that I was not seen at the Parish Church on Sabbath Days or at the Sacrament as I used to do the Eyes of mine Observers were upon me to watch me what ways I took in Religion Innumerable were the Taunts and Scoffs cast on that way of Worship which I had Espoused and closed with thorough all which I was carried with invincible Courage Many and sharp were the Combates wherewith I Encountered from my own Relations especially the Lord of Santry in whose Family I then liv'd and my Father his Brother who by their Authority over me and the greatness of their Learning and Parts between which and mine there was no more compare than between the Sun and a little twinkling Star did frequently attack me to bring me back to the forsaken Chruch of England but all in vain One time above all others my Lord observing that I absented not only the publick Worship but that of his Family also sent up his Secretary another Brother's Son to call me to Prayer in the Family on Night My Cousin delivering my Lords Command I reply'd that I was under some Indisposition and therefore Pray'd my Cousin to excuse me to my Lord down he goes and no sooner had he delivered my Answer but up he comes again with the same Message from my Lord. I threw him off the Second time with the same Excuse alledging that I could not come This Answer brought to my Lord the Second time He in a great Rage sends up my Cousin with a Peremptory Command that I must come to Prayer my Cousin stood some considerable time expecting that I would Answer my Lords Peremptory Command but my Answer was that seeing my Lord had so plainly imposed on my Conscience in Commanding me to Act against my Conscience I thought it was my Duty to declare that untill I better understood it to be my Duty to Obey his Lordship in a thing of this Nature than as yet I did I neither could nor would go to joyn in Prayer with the Family This Reply coming to my Lord's Ear he let me alone for that Night The next Day my Lord took me to Task Examining very strictly and Demanding of me a Reason wherefore I came not to Prayer with the Family seeing they never used the Common-Prayer in the Family To whom I made this Reply My Lord It is not from any Aversion I have to Prayer that keeps me Back from coming to Prayer with the Family But the great Dissatisfaction Lodged in my Conscience For my Lord said I should I under my present Light and Conviction go on my Knees to joyn in such a Service where God is so notoriously Dishonoured and his Glorious Name so greatly Profan'd my Conscience would like a Flame of Fire fly in my Face The Lord then Demanded of me what I could Object against the Service Perform'd in the Family To whom I Reply'd That the Chief Objection I made was against the Person who Perform'd the Service The Lord Demanded what I had to Object against the Person who Pray'd in the Family To whom I Reply'd That I Objected against him for Two things First that he was a Rotten Arminian denying the Doctrine of Election and Justification by the alone Imputed Righteousness of the Son of God And that he also Held falling from Grace Secondly For that he was in his Life and Conversation a notorious Drunkard and a common Curser and Swearer c. My Lord then Demanded Why I did not come to Family Prayer when his Son James said Prayers Reader thou must know That when the Chaplain would be Drinking and Ryotting abroad sometimes my Lords Son would be Commanded to Read one of the Evening Prayers at the end of some Bibles To this I Answered That his Son was but a Child and did not understand what he Read Lord have Mercy on me said my Lord who would you have Pray in my Family My Lord said I I Humbly conceive no Man Living is fitter for a Service of this Nature than your Lordship The Great God having made your Lordship King and Lord over your own Family and hath Endued your Lordship with such Incomparable Gifts of Knowledg and Learning and I hope of Grace too And Pray Sir said my Lord How would you have me Pray My Lord
A REVIVING CORDIAL FOR A Sin-sick Despairing SOUL In the Time of TEMPTATION THE Same being an Extract of the unworthy Authors Experience of the Particular following I. The miraculous Preservation of his Bodily Life from the many Deaths and eminent dangers which threatned it while in a state of Nature II. The Method God took with him in awakening him to look into and to mind Soul concerns when about Fourteen Years of Age. III. How the Spirit of Bondage took him and what fearful Work it made in his Soul IV. How the Spirit of Adoption succeeded the Spirit of Bondage healing and binding up the deep Wounds Caused in his Soul thereby Câ—â—â— and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare that he hath done for my Soul Psal 66. 16. I will Praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made marvelous are thy Works and that my Soul knoweth right well Psal 139. 14. By Ja. Barry an unworthy Minister of the Gospel London Printed for the Author 1699. To his very much Respected and highly Honoured Friend Mr. Nicholas Skinner Merchant of London Worthy and Honored Sir THE laudable Character given you by some Ministers of Christ and other good Souls now I Charitably hope and believe Praising God in Glory Especially the experimental tast I my self have had of your goodness since Providence made me so happy in your Acquaintance hath Encouraged me to prefix your worthy and deserving Name to this small Tract whose design and chief tendency is to encourage poor dejected Souls under the hidings of God's Face to cast themselves on that never failing goodnss of God in Christ untill God's set time for Deliverance comes And also to stir up experienced and grown Believers to a becoming Adoration and Praising of that Adorable Name and Wonder working Providence of the Glorious and Tremendous Jehovah which hath so conspicuously appear'd in the Deliverance wrought for me his poor nothing Creature both for Soul and Body and who am to this very Day kept alive and upheld by that Divine Manutenency of his own to the great Admiration both of my self and those godly Souls who know my present Circumstances and Gods dealing with me I have been for several Years past more than ordinarily Importun'd both by godly Divines and such Zealous working Christians as your self to Publish what now I have presumed to Dedicate to so dear and well deserving a Friend as you are well known to be both to God's Truth and such as in any measure bear the Blessed Image of his Son The principal Motive of their importuning me to Publish this was the strange Influence the Relation hereof from my own Mouth had upon their own Spirits the effects whereof they were not able to hide the Tears of Joy gushing out surprizingly from their Eyes with both Eyes and Hands lifted up to Heaven wondering at and Adoreing the Wonders of God in my Case Professing and declaring that in all their time they had neither heard nor known so much of the goodness and Grace of God vouchsased to a poor lost and undon sinner as was shewn and vouchsafed to unworthy me Which occasioned several of the godly Ministers especially Mr. Noah Bryan Mr. Timothy Taylor Mr. Samuel Mather and the dear Mr. Nathaniel Mather all now with Christ to profess that they never heard of or knew any Sinner come so near to Paul as touching God's method and way of Working upon and dealing with him in and after his Conversion as I did And therefore they unanimously agreed in Judging that to Publish the same was my Duty The which they doubted not would be greatly useful and that both to Saints and Sinners on sundry accounts The sincere and upright Hearted Nathaniel Mather late of Pinners-Hall hath several times chid me for my backwardness to so necessary and useful a Work and a little before his Death he at me again about it examining into the Grounds of my backwardness herein To whom I reply'd Sir There are two things which hitherto have kept me back from Publishing this my experience and how much of Satan there may be in it I cannot determin The First is The difficulty which attends my setting down in Writing the working of the Spirit of Adoption in doscovering and applying Christ unto me the Remembrance whereof doth so swallow me up and melt me that I am not able to see my Paper for the Tears of Joy which obstruct my Visive Faculty To which he Reply'd that it was pitty any thing should hinder me in so good and useful a Work The Second is the fear Lodg'd within me of Peoples not Crediting the Relation I shall give hereof in case it were Printed For said I the greatest part of Professors are so great strangers to the nature of true Regeneration especially when wrought in a Sinner in the way and method God took with me that they will rather suspect and question the truth of what I relate than Praise God or improve the same for their own good or Spiritual advantage for the same To which Reply was made That Satan was always ready to obstruct any good Work which hath the least tendency to God's Praise or the good of Souls Since his departure the fresh Remembrance of the Importunities of the Worthies above Named together with the repeated Solicitations of several godly zealous Christians yet living have prevailed with me to beat my way through those Difficulties which lay before me leaving the Issue of my present undertaking to the powerful Providence of God to make the same successful in what it is designed for And begging most heartily your Pardon for the method I have taken in acknowledging the great Kindness and Respect shewen by your Religious and truly Generous self to the meanest and most unworthy of Christ's Dispised Ambassadours the which I doubt not you will find Recorded in Heaven by my Lord and Master as an evident proof of your Faith in and unfeigned Love to Him and his Cause and Interest here on Earth Let not Dear Sir the disadvantages under which I lye on account of the slanderous Reproaches heaped on me by malicious Spirits lessen your hope of the glorious Recompence of Reward promised by him that cannot lye to all your Works and Labours of Love exprest to me and others of Gods Children for the Sake of Christ He that will take notice of a cup of Cold Water given to a Disciple in the Name of his Disciple will I question not Record in Heaven the refreshing Wine I have drank at your Table more than once and the Silver and Gold sent me and given me by your self whereby both I and my distressed Family have been kept from sinking into the Dust And albeit I should at the great day of Judgment appear to be a Cast away from Christ of which through Infinite Grace I am no more afraid than I am afraid that God can cease to be what he is Yet your Integrity and Uprightness in what you
said I I Humbly Conceive that you are to Pray according to the present Condition of the Souls of your Family Pray Sir said my Lord How is it Possible for me to know the Inward Thoghts and Condition of my Families Souls so as to Order my Prayers accordingly My Lord Reply'd I albeit your Lordship cannot possibly Acquaint your self with all the Secrets of your Family yet you may by Catechizeing your Family and frequently Examining them about the State of their Souls and Gods Dealing with them find Matter enough to Enlarge on in Putting up Prayers to God for them in the General which is as much as the Rule of Duty directs or obliges to My Lord finding that the Truth I was call'd to Vindicate and the Spirit by which I spoke to be too Powerful for his Great Learning he let fall the Dispute which I am very sure was his Wisdom and his best Advantage so to do Considering that none ever yer prospered who continued to fight against God My Lord by this means found how I stood affected in Religion and accordingly Communicated to my Father his Judgement and Apprehensions of me Immediately a Consultation was held about me to Consider what Methods were most proper to take not only to prevent my farther Advancing in that way of Religion which they Accounted Phanaticism But also to bring me Back to the Church of England whereon I had turn'd the Back The Result of their Consultation as soon afterwards appeared Issued in a fixed Resolution to carry it towards me with all the Urbanity and Gentleness imaginable My Relations considering and knowing full well that my Temper and Spirit was to be drawn and won by Fair and Gentle means not to be Forc't by Violence According to the Methods agreed on I was at a strange and unusual Rate Treated by my Father my Lord my Grand-Mothers my Uncles and Aunts with the Rest of my Relations in such ways of Kindness and Love as caused in me some hopes that the Love and Kindness they shew'd and Express'd in their Dealing with me had Sprung from an Apprehension or Conviction in them that the Principles in Religion which I had Embraced in opposition to theirs were the Truth But I soon found that I was herein mistaken For It was not long before great offers were made me of making a Purse to Set me up in the World On condition I would desist going to Meetings and return apain to the Church wherein I was Born and Baptized And not bring such disgrace on the Holy Church of which my Ancestors were such Noted and Eminent Members And besides That I might not stain my Family by occasioning Peoples saying that a B and one who was Son to a Father in the Church was turned Phanatick To which they Added The Consideration of what a hopeful Prospect there was before me of Advancement to Worldly Greatness in Case I did not hinder my self by Continuing a Dissenter from the Church And what hardship and Poverty I must expect to Wrestle with to my own Ruin and the great Disgrace of the whole Family in Case I refused the Offers made me and the Advice and Counsel given for my own good To all which I was enabled with an Holy Magnanimity and becoming Fortitude to Reply that the Sight and Sense I had of a Future Happiness with God in Heaven had Blunted the Edge of my Appetite to these Poor Low and Empty Vanities which I question not will prove unspeakably more Vain Empty and Tormenting to me then they are in themselves should I for the Love of them loose my Soul In Case said I my Friends and Relations who seem so greatly concern'd for my Good can procure from Heaven an Infallible Certificate that my Closing with the Present offer on such a Condition as is now laid before me will not provoke the Holy Trinity and prove a Snare to my Immortal Soul I shall readily comply But if they cannot it will said I Prove your Wisdom to let me alone to Rejoyce in the Choice I have made Had my Relations felt what I have felt for Sinning against God and could they tast the Joy and Sweet Comforts of God which have put me out of Conceit and Love with the present World They would I question not be not only unwilling to Blame and Censure me for the choice I have made but they themselves would readily and Heartily make the same Choice for which I am now slighted and judged to be Miserable My Relations finding how ineffectual their Methods prov'd to gain me they soon turn'd their Smiles into Frowns and their kind Speeches into Discourageing Menaces what severe Courses should be taken with me to reclaim and reduce me to Obedience My Lord threatned severely that he would have me bound with Ropes on a Porters Back and brought into the Church in the time of Divine Service To this I Reply'd That if his Lordship did not as well Gag my Mouth as Bind my Hands and Feet I would certainly Roar out and Disturb all the People at their Devotion For fear of which no Force of that kind was offered me After some considerable time My Father and Lord finding that neither Fair and Gentle means would Allure and Draw me to the Lyturgy in their Church and that no Severity wherewith they threatened me could Drive me from the Pure Worship of God in the Meetings I was soon Attack't with greater and sharper Opposition than I had before met with from them First By my Father Who in the Presence and Hearing of at least Forty of our Family took me to Task about my Principles and in regard of the small hopes he had of Convincing me by the Arguments he used He openly declared his Resolution never to own me for his Son Unless I forsook the Meetings and came to the Church and Service again as formerly And this Sir said my Father I think fit to tell you before all these Friends to the end you may take it into Serious Consideration whether of the Twain you Judge more Eligible to forsake your Fanatick Opinion and Schismatical Companions or to be deprived of the Love and Affections of a Father And know it Sir said he that I do by the Authority of a Father Command and Require you to fix on whether of these two you intend to Choose and that within a Week If you resolve to hold your New Opinion I charge you to quit my Lords House and Provide another Lodging and as for me I charge you that you come not near my Doors or any of your Brethren or Sisters Doors I 'll see said he which of your Holy Brethren or Sisters will take you in To this I was enabled to Reply thus viz. Sir Though you Resolve according to your present Declaration to cast me out of your Paternal or Fatherly Affections and to disown me for your Son meerly for my Conscience to God because I cannot without greatly offending against God and Wounding my
Achilles I am uncertain but in this of the Wounding and Healing of my Soul I am not more certain of any thing in Nature than I am that the Spirit of Christ which Wounded me by the Law did also Heal me by the Gospel Job 5. 18. For he maketh Sore and Bindeth up He Woundeth and his Hands make whole OBSERVATION IV. See and Learn hence How stedfast and faithful God is to his Word of Promise When for Christ and the Gospel was forsaken and cast off by my Father and all other Fleshly Relations being turn'd out empty handed to the wide World and not knowing whether to go or what to do God took care of me and provided a Lodging and Friends for me which with the Peace of my Conscience gave me more satisfaction and comfortable content than all the Gallantry and Greatness of my Fleshly Relations Those sweet Promises Recorded in the Scriptures and made good by the Providence of God have oftentimes Refreshed and Ravish'd my pensive and weary Soul Psal 27. 10. When my Father and my Mother forsake me then the Lord will take me up Mat. 19 29. And every one that hath forsaken Houses or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for my Name 's sake shall Receive an Hundred fold and shall Inherit Everlasting Life Heb. 13. 5. Let your Conversation be without Covetousness and be content with such things as ye have For he hath said I will never never never never never leave thee nor forsake thee The Greek hath no less than five Negatives in this one Scripture to assure the true Believer that God will in no wise forget or forsake him I have been forsaken of my Nurse when but three Months old but I was taken into the Nursery of God's Providential Care which causes in me often to think with Comfort of that in Psal 22. 10. I was cast upon thee from the Womb thou art my God from my Mothers Belly The same Providence which took Care of the Head takes Care also of the Members I was forsaken of my Bodily Physitians But the Great Physitian of Soul and Body Cur'd me by poor Contemptible Snails I was forsaken of my Earthly Father and all Fleshly Relations But God is become by Grace and Free Adoption my Father who will never forske me Totally or Finally I was forsaken by my Brethren and Sisters But those who are the Sons and Daughters of God they are become my Brethren and Sisters And albeit many of them who know me not are on Malicious Reports prejudiced against me yet others of them who know me and Gods dealing with me they Love me dearly I have been forsaken by several of my Church Members in Ireland and England Christ my Lord and Master hath been so before me Jo. 6. 66. From that time many of his Disciples went back and walked no more with him Yet God is my God still I have been forsaken of My Brethren in the Sacred Office and left to stand alone when Popery and Quakerism were coming in like a Floud None stepping in to help or Encourage me against those Adversaries of Gods Religion But he that stood by Paul when all other Preachers in his day forsook him stood by me and emboldned me against their Threats and Malice I had Thoughts of Printing the most material Objections brought in by Satan to distress and distract a poor Sinner to keep him from Christ And how the Spirit of Grace Taught and Enabled me to Answer them all But my intended Brevity hath Prevented me therein All Glory Honour and Eternal Praise to the only Wise and Glorious God Father Son and Holy Ghost Amen Amen Postscript LEst Satan should get an Advantage by this Relation of God's strange and wonderful dealing with me in bringing me Home to Christ in such an unusual manner and his Handling me so sharply by the Spirit of Bondage As also his Bountiful dealing with me in making my Soul the Receptacle of such Ravishing Joy and unutterable Consolation upon Believing in Christ in Effectual Calling I thought it may be seasonable to give the present Caution to the Poor Doubting Tempted Believer who through Satans Subtilty Tempting will find him or her self wretchedly Prone to Conclude from what they read of my Conversion That the Work of true Conversion was never yet effectually wrought in themselves And that because they were never under such Terrible Bondage of Soul Neither ever yet were lifted up so near Heaven as I was Such Poor Tempted Believers are to consider the Particulars following for their help and relief against the Tempter in this Case First Consider That as in Nature there is a vast disparity or difference between Persons in the Natural Birth so there is as vast a difference in the Spiritual Birth Some Women go through abundantly more and sharper Pains and Throws in Travel than others meet with Some Babes meet with greater difficulties and dangers in the Birth than do others The causes whereof in Nature tho they appear not to us yet it is most certain that so it is So in Conversion some Souls pass through greater Horror and Bondage in the Consciences than others do Some are brought as it were through the very Jaws of Hell and desparation as I was others are dealt more easily and gently with Being sweetly allured and as it were insensibly Transplanted into Christ they not well knowing what is done to them Paul and the rugged Jaylor were handled more roughly their Conscience were more deeply Wounded with the frightning Terrors of God's Law set Home by the Spirit of Bondage than Lydia whose Heart the Lord opened with more gentle Touches of his Spirit Acts 9. 6. Acts 16. 15 29. That Woman who is safely Delivered without any danger or great difficulty to herself or her Babe hath no reason to question whether she be indeed Delivered because she went not through such danger and difficulty as her Neighbour did who narrowly escaped with her Life neither hath she any Cause of being Jealous with her Neighbour because her case or condition was more dangerous and desperate in Travel than was her own Thou who art brought to Christ by the gentle Drawings of the spirit of Grace and not brought so nigh to the affrightning sight of Hell And to such a Sense and feeling of the Pains of the Damned As have caused some to think themselves actually in Hell Admire at and Bless God for his Condescention towards thee in bringing thee through the New Birth so easily Secondly Consider That albeit the truth of thy Conversion be not so sensibly discern'd as the Conversion of that Person is who is brought Home in the way of Legal Terror Yet thou art bound to Bless God for the smallest measure of Grace bestowed on thee as the smallest Spark of Fire tho' it be hid under a great heap of Ashes is as truly Fire as the greatest Fire in Nature So thy small Grace which in comparison of some others Grace may be so weak and little that it can scarcely be discerned yet Grace it is tho' thou know it not to be so And he who bestowed it on thee and wrought it in thee he will never reject or neglect thee because of thy little Grace while he sees thee Constant and Diligent in the use of means Labouring to grow in Grace Esa 42. 3. Mat. 5. 6. Esa 41. 17. Phil. 1. 6. Oh! But I do not find that I am brought to Christ and which is far worse I fear I never shall To this I Answer in Two Particulars First Thy very fear about this greatest of Concerns is an Argument of thy Translation from the First Adam to the Second Adam Christ Jesus the Lord. If the Spirit of Grace had not given thee some Sight and Taste of the Excellency and Sweetness of Christ thou couldest never prize or desire after him 'T is only the Child that hath Tasted the Hony or Sugar that Longs and Crys for more Secondly If thou findest a fixt Resolution in thy Soul in going on to seek the Lord. And his Strength by Prayer and Supplication and other means of Grace not resting in or depending upon them but on Christ alone for Life and Salvation My Life for thine come Death when God Pleaseth to send it it will end all thy fears and put thee beyond the reach of all thine Enemies Thy frequent Crying to God in Prayer for Christ and Saving Grace is the Eccho of Christ Praying for thea at the Throne of Grace And thy going on and continuing to Watch at Wisdoms Gates could not possibly be without invisible Supplies of Spiritual Strength Communicated to thy Soul by the Spirit of Christ THE END