Weekly Christian Sabbath was honourable and esteemed by him he made it his Delight He remembred it before it came by something Preparatory in his Family upon the Saturday Evening He was early in the Morning on that Day in his Closet and likewise in Family Worship with Prayer and Thanksgiving and reading the Holy Scripture whereof Children and Servants were to remember somewhat and so prepared for the Publick Worship He would not willingly suffer any idle or vain Discourse throughout the whole Day admonishing all about him to take heed of their Thoughts and Words in a special manner upon the Lord's Day He retired as soon as he came home at Noon for a little space and enquired of Inferiors what they remembred He express'd his Dislike of those who had been careless herein by encouraging those that did better His Discourse was always serious savoury and sutable at his Table often minding those about him how many had gone into Eternity the last Week and of the Bounty and Kindness of Heaven in the Plenty they enjoyed both for Spirituals and Temporals beyond others After Dinner a Chapter or two was always read and some part of a serious Practical Book till it was time to go to the Publick Worship Therein he was always reverent and serious After he came home he retired to his Closet for near an Hour and charged all the rest of the Family to go alone likewise then he called them together begun with a short Invocation of God sung a Psalm and repeated the Morning-Sermon and prayed with them before Supper Many who lived with him can witness that in Family-Prayer upon the Lord's Day he had more than ordinary Affections and Fervency and it is the Experience of other Christians O that Heads of Families would but make a Trial After Prayer he retired a very little probably to reflect on his Frame in the last Duty and then would ask his Children some pertinent Questions concerning the Principles of Religion After Supper he repeated the Afternoon-Sermon and enquired what they remembred of it He was himself the last in the Family who went to Bed that he might run over the Heads of what he had heard and repeated For these he reviewed on Monday Morning and kept in his Memory all the Week and every Day repeated somewhat thereof to himself that he might have the Subject of those Sermons continually in his Thoughts as the Food of his Soul till another Lord's Day came He recommended this Practice unto others hereby to live the Sermons we hear and to be under an Awe and Influence by them all the Week after On Monday Mornings ever since the Black bartholomew-Bartholomew-Day when about Two thousand Ministers were silenced for want of such a Liberty and Toleration as God is now pleased mercifully to allow us he did from that time until his Death accustom himself to rise at Four a Clock every Monday Morning and oftentimes sooner spending the time in his Closet till Six especially in Prayer for the Nation and the Church of Christ I have heard that several others agreed with him in the like Practice But in his ordinary Course he was went to be early every Morning in his Closet and about Seven a Clock would call his Family together and read a Psalm or two and pray with them His great Measure of Health was a considerable Help to him to do more than others in this and several Particulars And accordingly he improved it without losing any time in unnecessary Recreations saying he desired no other Recreation but to think and speak of God and mind his Glory He often thankfully acknowledged the Divine Goodness that his Imployment was such that he had more time for serious solitary Religion than others and that he had more time for reading in his Shop and might have it shut sooner in the Evening And he contracted his Business or would not choose to hurry himself by enlarging of it with that very Design The first thing he did there in the Morning was to read some part of the Holy Scripture with the best Annotations he could procure upon them and the like in the Evening And in reading them over again and again regularly and in course he found much Advantage he still perceived such a Majesty such a Mystery such a Depth in them that he was never weary of fathoming tho' he could never reach the bottom He desired to walk by that Rule to be guided by that Light and to derive his Supports Incouragements and Hopes from thence I hardly ever knew one more careful of his Time and all that knew him must say the same He would tarry but a very little while in any Company where he might not do or receive Good He was so punctual in his time of Retirement for Secret Prayer about Six in the Summer and Five in the Winter unless he were hearing a Sermon at that Hour that he would usually make some Excuse or other to break away from Company tho' he returned to them in Half an Hour His Communion with God there was discovered by the Frame of his Spirit when he came from thence It is there we speak our Minds and Hearts more freely to God and there he communicates of his gracious Influence in a special manner to us He found more Satisfaction and Comfort in one such Hour by pouring out his Soul to God alone than in the most witty chearful Conversation of such whose Discourse administers no Grace or Profit to the Hearers When he hath been desired to go to Bed sooner or as soon as others he would often say he would do as others if he were not certain that he must die But our sleeping Time he said was lost as to any spiritual Good any further than it fits us for our Duty by preserving Health The last thing he did every Evening was to go into his Closet and with Prayer and Self-examination to close the Day Once a Week viz. every Friday Night as a little before his Death he said it had been his constant Custom to review the Mercies of his whole Life thereby to promote his Humility and Thankfulness to keep up his Hope in God and quicken his chearful diligent Obedience to him His Care and Concern for the Souls of those under his Charge especially his Children was very extraordinary and attended with good Success as several of his Relations living and dying have owned Of his usefulness to one related to him you have some Account in the Narrative of her Conversion to God which is here annex'd His Counsels and Example made those in his Family begin to love Religion for his sake which afterwards they did for its own God doth often bring us to him by Instruments of Nature and Affection and give the Influence of his Spirit to carry on those good Beginnings He usually ask'd the Assembly's Catechism in his Family twice every Week and encouraged Inferiors by Rewards to learn it and to get some select
of it the Devil Thanks be to God who hath given him and assured us of the Victory through our Lord Jesus Christ To him be Glory throughout all the Churches for ever Amen THE Character and Trial OF A REAL CHRISTIAN Now follows out of his own Papers the manner of his examining his Heart and Life State and Frame and the Result thereof recorded and written for his Support in After-Difficulties Some may be excited by it to an Imitation and others find Encouragement by what reliev'd him against his Doubts and Fears and enabled him to persevere even without full Assurance HENRY GEARING THO' I have been under much Hardness and Deadness for many Years yet I thought good for my Encouragement here to record God's Goodness to me sometimes By looking over my Books in which I have wrote down in Short-hand every Night how it was with me in the Day I find that I have sometimes been quickned and affected in Prayer often in Family-Prayer at Night on the Lord's Day Tho' I began very much indisposed yet it pleased God to draw out my Heart in Earnest Desires and I have had some Meltings more than usual At other times in Family-Prayer at Night I have been more than ordinarily affected And sometimes under the Word preach'd Once at the Morning Lecture when I heard a Sermon of buying the Pearl of Price At other times I find I was affected greatly in Family Prayer so as scarce to be able to speak for weeping At another time I have recorded how I was quickened by hearing a Sermon of Mr. Swinnock on that Text He will not break the bruised Reed At several other times have had lively Affections in secret Prayer Often in my Walk to Clapham I have had my Heart drawn out in earnest fervent Desires after God Once repeating on a Lord's Day Evening a Sermon on that Text Behold I stand at the Door and knock and whosoever opens to me I will come in and sup with him I was so affected I could not go on for Tears but was fain to lay down my Book At another time the like in repeating a Sermon of the Redemption of Time At other times I find recorded that on the Lord's Day I went to Family-Prayer very sad but God did greatly assist me and my Soul was melted so that I could not proceed or speak for Tears At other times in Prayer and sometimes in singing of Psalms But for the most part I have been a great Stranger to Joy and Comfort ever since the Days of my Youth These Things I wrote March 18. 1689 being Remarks in general of near Twenty Years past As to what I have written in this little Book it was first in Short-Hand and never intended to be transcribed But afterwards I considered that many things in it might be of use to me by another's reading of it if it should please God to lay his Hand upon me that I could not my self read my Short-Hand And I know not but something in it may be useful to others I hope and pray it may be so unto many if the like serious Spirit accompany every Reader in the Perusal of the following Papers as he had in writing them Beg it of God and then begin to read Anno 1676 March 28. HAving had in my Thoughts sometimes to keep a secret â—ast in my Closet chiefly to search and try the State of my Soul this Day I did it and hope I did set about it in the Integrity of my Heart My chief Design was to examine how the Case stood between God and my Soul whether I had indeed a Work of saving Grace wrought in me And that I might get Corruption that is strong more mortified especially the Sin I most inclined unto and that I might be enabled from God to carry it better in my Christian Course both in my Family and in secret Retirements to the Glory of God After Prayer that God would help me to try my self I went to the Work of Self-Examination by the Characters that Mr. Ambrose hath given and by some Characters my Cousin Calamy laid down and others of Mr. Allen Mr. Nalion and Mr. Swinnock I spent a good deal of time herein and hope I desired to deal impartially with my self and did beg of God heartily that I might make a right Judgment of my self I endeavoured to keep my Heart close to the Work and tho' I could not meet with great Comfort yet upon serious Search I cannot find but that God hath wrought true Grace in me blessed be his Name I hope I may have recourse to this Day while I live for Support in any Case I did also read over the Covenant I entred into with the Lord about nine Years since and renewed my Covenant and gave up my self afresh to the Lord and took him for my God and Portion I hope in the Lord that I was sincere and upright I found some Ease and Quiet in my Mind afterwards O that I may not now grow careless but live answerably and remember I have renewed my Covenant with the Lord and if he hath in any wise spoke Peace to my Soul let me not again return to Folly for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake An. 1676 July 27. Looking over my Book where I enter at Night how it is with me every Day I find I have been out of order many times in Duty since the Trial of my self mentioned here but hope I did desire to have my Heart with God And the Lord was pleased sometimes in Duty to draw out my Soul in earnest and hearty Desires after him My Heart through Mercy hath been sometimes tho' too seldom in a good Frame the Lord have Mercy on me and grant I may be sincere and upright with him He is pleased still as for many Years past to withdraw from me and I do not meet with much Comfort in his Ordinances But I remember what Mr. N. used to say that Grace is better than Comfort God grant that I may make sure of Grace and act and exercise Grace and wait upon him for Comfort It is worth waiting for all the Days of my Life The Lord help me tho' I sit in Darkness and see no Light to trust in the Lord and stay my self on my God The Lord help me to keep up Faith and Hope in him through Christ to wait and trust and hope and believe still against Hope of Sense to believe in Hope of a Promise The Lord make me careful to mind his Glory and doing my Duty in the Place in which he hath set me for I am apt to be troubled lest I should fail of my Duty towards those committed to my Charge The Lord in Mercy grant I may set to his Work with all my Might and get my Work done before my Day of Life be ended and that my Heart may be throughly taken off from this World and I may prepare for publick Calamities which are much feared by reason of the
by Faith 6. True Faith works Patience not only Patience in waiting but Patience in suffering There is a Patience in waiting for the Accomplishment of the Promises Faith saith to a Believer The Things thou waitest for are worth thy waiting for them the Comforts thou desirest the Crown of Glory thou expectest is worth waiting for Again Faith works Patience in Suffering Heb. 10. 34. They took joyfully the spoiling of their Goods knowing they had in Heaven a more enduring Substance Heb. 11. 36. 37. They endured the Trial of cruel Mockings of Scourgings of Bonds and Imprisonments They were stoned sawn asunder tempted slain with the Sword they wandered about in Sheep-skins and Goat-skins being destitute forsaken tormented and yet their Faith in Jesus Christ carried them through all these Sufferings Faith tells the Soul The Sufferings of this present Life are not worthy to be compared with the Glory that shall be revealed 7. True Faith will work an undaunted Profession of Christ's Name He will profess Christ openly when called to it The Disciples professed Christ when it was Death to do so I am not asham'd of the Gospel of Christ saith the Apostle I esteem the Reproach of Christ better than the Glory of the World and the Cross of Christ better than the Crowns of the World I esteem his Crown of Thorns better than all others in this World I bear about me the Marks of the Lord Jesus Gal. 6. 17. he calls his Sorrows and Sufferings the Marks of Christ I esteem them my greatest Honour God forbid saith he I should glory in any thing but in the Cross of Jesus Christ Thus you see what Fruits Faith works in reference to Jesus Christ Now there are Fruits of Faith in reference to our selves as these following 1. True Faith works abundance of inward Peace and Joy Rom. 5. 1. Being justified by Faith we have Peace with God And it must needs be so because that Faith tells the Soul the Bond is cancelled that Sin is pardoned the Burden is taken off Wounds of Conscience are healed with the Wounds of Christ A Believer can say In Peace will I lay down my Head in the Bosom of Christ When Storms and Waves arise a Believer can sit in his Ark Christ and a good Conscience is an Ark for a poor Soul where he is safe A true Believer hath always the Ground of Joy tho' not always the Exercise of it 2. Another Fruit of Faith in reference to our selves is Boldness in coming to the Throne of Grace We have Boldness and Access by Faith in Christ Ephes 3. 12. A true Believer can pour out his Soul to God make his Moan to his Father It is his comfort he can go to his Father with a Child-like Boldness and Confidence 3. Another Fruit of Faith is Contempt of the World Acts 4. They sold their Possessions and brought the Money and laid it down at the Apostles Feet They regarded it no more than the Dirt under their Feet Faith hath an Eagle's Eye it sees things a far off and an Eagle's Wing to carry a Man above the Flatteries and the Frowns of the World By Faith Moses feared not the Frowns of the King Heb. 11. 27. Faith lets a Man see there is better to be found in Christ than in the whole World He that can find a World in Christ will be willing to part with all the World for Him 4. True Faith will produce a strong Desire of strengthening and encreasing it and that both in Truth and Growth It will make a Man still be searching his Heart that he may be sure he hath the Truth of Faith It makes a Man prize a Soul-searching Ministry that may plough up the Fallow Ground of his Heart And it works a Desire of Growth also it makes a Believer pray Lord encrease my Faith whether thou encrease my Trade and Wealth or no however Lord encrease my Faith After I had wrote these Things I went into my Closet and there begged of God his Help and Assistance to try my self by these Characters and then spent a little time going over them and trying my State by them and I bless the Lord I now cannot but say to his Glory that I find them in some measure in me I hope that those I could not so positively answer to yet I could in the Desire of my Soul I hope in the Lord I am not deceived If I am I beseech him for Christ's sake to undeceive me and let me know how it is with me But methinks God hath begun some good Work in me and wrought Faith in my poor Soul tho' it is very weak The Lord humble me and the Lord help me to bless his holy Name for the least Grace and earnestly to endeavour and beg of him the Encrease of it I hope in the Lord I may have recourse to what I have done this Day and what is entred before in a Time of Doubts and Fears in an Hour of Trouble under God's Withdrawings yea that I may have Comfort from it in an Hour of Death The Lord grant I may not now be secure and careless but that I may walk very closely and exactly before him to his Praise and Glory here till at last I come to live with him in his Heavenly Kingdom May the 9th 1678. I spent the Day in a Secret Fast One End among others I proposed to my self in it was to search into the State of my Soul again also that I may be inabled to suffer for Christ if I am called to it c. I hope I desired to be sincere and hearty I tried my self by the Marks and Characters before set down I hope I can say upon Search that the Lord hath wrought saving Grace in me it was I hope my hearty Prayer that if it was not so I might not so enter it here but I turst the Lord hath turned me from Darkness to Light and that I am not dead in Sins and Trespasses but there is a Principle of Life in me the Lord grant I may not be deceived Towards the close of the Day I read over my Covenant and hope I did from my very Heart desire to bewail the Breach of it and renew it with the Lord which I did I hope in the Strength of his Grace desiring Christ may be my Surety being much affraid of my being deceived lest it should be with me as heretofore I hope I did heartily take the Lord for my God and give up my self unto him and bind my self to forsake all Sin and to live more to his Glory according to the Covenant I entred into with the Lord about eleven Years since taken out of Mr. Allen 's Book I bless God I was assisted to Day in the Work I undertook the Lord accept of me thro' Christ and let not this Day be lost O that I may not prove false and hypocritical with him but go away enabled to live more to his Praise here till I come
abounding of all Sin and Wickedness more and more The Lord enable me to do and suffer his Will and let me have his Presence and his Promise made good not to suffer me to be tempted above what he will inable me to bear 1 Cor. 10. 13. and that I may readily let all go for Christ if I am called to it The Lord grant I may be made meet to be Partaker of the Inheritance of the Saints in Light and get my Evidences for Heaven ready which through the Assistance and Help of God I desire to go about The Lord grant I may not be deceived but may gather such Evidences as will hold out and bear me up in the midst of Troubles and Trials yea in the Hour of Death and the Day of Judgment The Lord in infinite Mercy sanctifie to me the Death of others God hath of late taken away many of my Neighbours Acquaintance Friends and Relations Ministers as well as others a little while since Mr. Pledger and Mr. Wells in one Day O that all may be sanctified and especially the Death of my Wife that I may yet make such use of that Providence as the Lord would expect and be ready and prepared for my own Departure hence whensoever it shall please my dear God and Father to call me home Being now about to enter here what I have to shew for a Work of Grace in my Heart and a Right and Title to Heaven I desire of the Lord to help me in this great Affair that I may not be deceived but that what I here enter may be the true State of my Soul and that which will hold out and yield me Comfort in an Hour of Distress It hath been in my Thoughts several times to enquire what I had to shew for my Hope of Heaven that which ran most in my Mind was Faith and Repentance which upon diligent Search of my Heart I hope I have First For Faith If I have true Faith I shall certainly be saved so saith the holy Scriptures He that believes shall be saved Joh. 3. 16. For God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoeever believeth in him should not perish but have Everlasting Life Now Faith in Christ is described in the Assemblies Catechism to be a saving Grace whereby we receive and rest upon Christ alone for Salvation as he is offered to us in the Gospel which I hope I desire to do I hope I do most heartily desire to take Christ on his own Terms as King Priest and Prophet in all his Offices and am willing to be ruled by him as well as saved by him I hope I desire to rest upon Jesus Christ alone for Salvation and own no other Saviour but him I hope I have the Faith of Reliance to rest and center in Christ I hope I can with all my Soul throw my self upon the Mercy of God in Christ and if I perish to perish there trusting in him that I shall not perish Blessed be God! I am often lifting up my Heart to Christ O my dear Jesus Blessed Jesus on thee on thee alone I rest when I am in Fears and Doubts and Troubles I hope I desire to say with the Church In the Lord have I Righteousness and Strength Righteousness for Justification and Strength for Sanctification and the subduing of Sin I hope I desire to renounce any Trust in my own Righteousness and Duties and wholly to rely and rest upon Jesus Christ When I have performed any Duty I desire to own that I deserve Hell for the sinful Imperfections of it yea for the best Duty I can perform And to have my Trust only in the Death and Merits Satisfaction and Intercession of Christ Tho' Spiritual Pride is very apt to rise in me yet I hope I do not allow it the Lord set my Heart more against it I hope I desire with the Apostle Phil. 3. 9. to be found in him not having my own Righteousness which is of the Law but that which is through the Faith of Christ the Righteousness which is of God by Faith I hope Christ is precious to me now that is an Evidence of Faith 1 Pet. 2. 7. To you that believe he is precious I hope I desire to prize Christ above all the World and if I know my Heart I would not part with the Hopes I have by Christ of Heaven for ten thousand Worlds I hope I desire to prize Jesus Christ as the Chiefest of ten thousand altogether lovely The Lord make me upright in this Matter that I may see the Worth and Excellency that is in him so as to be in love with him Secondly For Repentance If I have that Grace I am sure to be saved Acts 3. 19. Repent ye therefore and be converted that your Sins may be blotted out when the Times of refreshing shall come from the Presence of the Lord. Luke 13. 3. Except ye repent ye shall all likewise perish therefore if we do repent we shall not perish Now Repentance is described to be a saving Grace whereby a Sinner out of the true sense of his Sin and apprehension of the Mercy of God in Christ doth with grief and hatred of his Sin turn from it unto God with full purpose of and endeavours after new Obedience I hope the Lord hath wrought this Repentance in me I hope he hath given me a true Sight and Sense of Sin and that I am convinced of the Evil and Danger of it I hope I have an apprehension also of the Mercy of God in Christ I do not at all doubt but there is Mercy enough in God through Christ to forgive and pardon the greatest Sins if they are repented of The Lord hath declared himself to be the Lord God gracious and merciful pardoning Iniquity Transgression and Sin Exod 34. 6. I hope I desire to be truly sorry for all my Sins to grieve and mourn for them tho' my Heart be hard yet I hope I could be glad if it were broken that I could mourn more for my Sins Surely it hath been a Trouble to me many times in Confession of Sin that I could not mourn and weep and was not affected as I desired I hope I desire to hate Sin also the Lord work a true Hatred of all Sin more and more in me I hope I desire to turn from all Sin unto God with full purpose of Heart to cleave to him I hope the Bent of my Soul is right for God tho' I have many Failings and Miscarriages I hope the full Purpose and Resolution of my Heart is for God and his Ways It being upon my Mind what I had further to note that might be an Evidence of Grace I hope these things following which it pleased God to bring to my Thoughts may be some ground to believe God hath wrought savingly upon me Surely I do confess my Sins often to the Lord in secret and desire to have my Heart penitently affected with them and
bear the Cross as well as receive the Crown Now it is said If we suffer with him we shall also reign with him 2 Tim. 2. 12. These things it pleased God to bring to my Mind as some ground of Hope that my State is good I enter'd these things here Aug. 11. 1676. Now my Intention is if it please God to make use of other Helps and search my Heart by them and enter them down here that I may have resort to them in a time of need anâ— the Lord help me further in this great Work of Self-Examination that I may not be deceived for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake Having endeavoured to search my Heart throughly after earnest Prayer to God I hope I find the Evidences of Grace in me that Mr. Allen hath laid down which are these 1. Where there is true Grace there is a hearty Willingness to part with every Sin Where ever there is this Breach made between Sin and the Soul it is Grace that hath made it When Sin hath lost the Will it hath lost the Man when Christ hath gained the Will he hath gained the Man Give me thy Heart is the same as Be willing to be mine Reason saith I ought to turn Conscience saith I must turn and yet nothing may follow But when the Heart saith I will turn to God then the Work is done Reason saith These Idols ought not to stand Conscience saith These Lusts must be subdued But when the Will saith to them Get you hence there is a Work of Grace begun This Willingness discovers it self to be prevailing First When a man is truly willing to part with Sin there will be Resolutions against it he takes part with God against Sin and uses all Means for the conquering of it Secondly This Resolution will bring forth Resistance An Heart weary of Sin will fall to striving against Sin Gal. 5. 17. The Flesh lusteth against the Spirit and the Spirit against the Flesh those two are contrary one to the other 2. Where ever there is true Grace there is a preferring in the Esteem and Choice of a strict and sincere Godly Life above any other Life in the World Tho' the foolish World runs a madding after Money and Pleasure spend their Days waste their Lives prostitute their Consciences throw away their Souls upon these things yet one Drachm of Godliness one Day spent in the Fear of the Lord is better than all this Psal 4. 6. There be many that say Who will shew us any good But Lord lift thou up the Light of thy Countenance on me saith a gracious Soul Thou hast put Gladness in my Heart more than in the time when their Corn and Wine increased Psal 17. 14 15. The Men of the World have their Portion in this Life their Bellies thou fillest with thy hid Treasure they are full of Children and leave the rest of their Substance to their Babes But as for me I will behold thy Face in Righteousness I shall be satisfied when I awake in thy Likeness The Men of this World as they seek so they have their Portion in this Life They have a gallant time of it here great Portions great Prosperity enough to spend on themselves and leave to their Children after them this they have and much good may it do them let me but behold the Face of God in Righteousness walk before the Lord in my Integrity keep a good Conscience live in the Obedience of his Will and in the Light of his Countenance and then let them take the Corn and Wine and what else they can get Let the Lord be mine and I shall never envy them their Portion Psal 119. 30. I have chosen the way of Truth V. 111. Thy Testimonies have I taken as my Heritage for ever Observe 1. That a Godly Man's settled Judgment is That a Godly Life is the best and happiest Life 2. That a Godly Man's Choice is according to his Judgment He esteems the Fear of the Lord above Gold and he chooses it before Gold He is better pleased and doth rather take up with the meanest and most afflicted Condition in a way of Holiness than with the most plentiful and prosperous Estate in a way of Sin He prefers the Poverty of Christ before the Riches of the World 3. Godly Men and Worldly Men may be known one from the other by the Choice they make for themselves he that makes a Worldly Choice is a Worldly Man and he that makes a Godly Choice is a Godly Man 3. Whosoever hath true Grace doth actually live a Godly Life The Tree is best known by its Fruit the Sincerity of our Purposes by our Performances He that doth Righteousness is righteous 1 Joh. 3. 7. A Godly Man makes Godliness the Business of his Life Religion is a Christian's Trade A Man's Trade is his constant Work and not the Exercise of now and then a Day or two Godliness is a Christian 's daily Walk Do not inquire only about your Affections what your Desires are or what your Joys are what your Comforts are or what your Peace is but what your Paths are When all comes to all this is the surest Mark He that hath Righteousness is righteous he that doth not Righteousness is not of God Mr. Sheppard in his Sincere Convert lays down three Marks wherein a Child of God goes beyond a Hypocrite and I having examined my Heart hope I find them in me 1. No Hypocrite or Unregenerate Man tho' he goes never so far let him do never so much but he lives in one Sin or other secret or open little or great Now I hope in the Lord I do not live in any Sin 2. No Hypocrite no Unregenerate Man ever came to be poor in Spirit and to be carried off from all Duties unto Christ in regard of Dependance and Trust If it were possible for them to forsake and break loose for ever from all Sin yet here they stick They seek to save themselves by their Duties without Christ Now if my Heart doth not very much deceive me I desire to renounce all Things and rest only on Christ 3. If any Unregenerate Man come unto Christ he never takes up his Rest in Christ only but he would have Christ and the World too is not content with Christ alone But I hope I desire to be content with Christ alone and to say as the Martyr None but Christ None but Christ Mr. D. in his Book of the Lord's Supper to prove that one hath a Principle of Spiritual Life and is not dead in Trespasses and Sins writes thus Canst thou groan and cry to the Lord for an Interest in Christ and will nothing quiet and still thee but Jesus Christ Then surely thou dost live all the Creatures cannot quiet thee till thou hast Hopes that Christ is formed in thee Surely I find this Sign of Spiritual Life in me Again Dost thou grow It may be thou canst not say thou hast more Grace but
to be for ever with him hereafter January the 30th 1682. I spent this Day in a Secret Fast in my Closet the main End I proposed to my self was to search again my Heart to find out whether there was a Work of Grace wrought in me or no also that I might get Corruption more subdued that is yet strong in me and that I may be inabled to suffer for Christ if I am called to it c. I hope I desired to be hearty in the Work tho' Hardness and Deadness was too much upon me The Lord forgive I hope I may say to the Glory of God that he hath begun that good Work in me that he will perfect of the Day of Christ I did earnestly beg of the Lord that I might not be deceived and hope I am not I trust the Lord hath pluck'd me out of a Natural Estate and turned my Heart from Sin unto himself The Lord grant I may now live answerable to the great things he hath done for me and keep the Covenant I have this Day renewed January the 30th 1684. I kept as a Fast and spent a good part of the Morning in Secret Prayer After Family Duty I went to hear a Sermon and then back to my Closet where I spent the rest of the Day The Ends I proposed to my self were That God would help me against Worldliness and distrust of his Providence for I have been much troubled of late by reason of many Losses and Trade being fallen almost to nothing and quiet my Mind and enable me to trust him and withal direct me how to proceed as to Earthly Things having some Thoughts of leaving this House And I desired also to be fitted for the Lord's Supper and that I might have Strength to suffer whatever God should call me to And in reference to the Publick I desired to seek God for Mercy to his Church and to these Nations I began with reading some Portion of God's Word then examined my self of the State of my Soul by some Characters of Grace in this Book I hope I desired heartily the Help of God and earnestly begg'd I might give a right Judgment of my self and was affraid of doing otherwise I hope I may say to God's Glory Surely there is somewhat of a Work of Grace that he hath graciously wrought in my Soul and that I am not dead in Trespasses and Sins Blessed O blessed be his Name I am not affected as I ought but am apt to fear still knowing my Heart is deceitful The Lord help me to be much in this trying Work for I cannot make too sure of my Salvation The Lord remove Doubts and Fears and strengthen my Faith in him and in his Promises After Self-examination I spent the rest of my Time in Prayer and hope I was hearty therein The Lord hear my poor Prayers for my self for my Children and for the Publick I also read over my Covenant entred into with the Lord many Years since and I renewed Covenant with God The Lord help me to live answerably and that Sin may be more subdued and Grace strengthened that I may find the Benefit of this Day while I live and be fitted for the everlasting Enjoyment of God in Glory February the 6th 1685. I kept a Fast by my self The main thing I had upon my Heart was the low Estate of the Church and of these Nations as also to search into the State of my Soul to get my Heart more taken off the World to have Corruption mortified and be enabled to suffer for Christ if called to it and never to forsake him I bless God I had his Assistance and hope I was hearty in the Work and that upon Trial I may say God hath begun a good Work which he will carry on and perfect to the Day of Jesus Christ O that I might make more sure of Christ and Grace and Heaven especially when I can make sure of nothing below but am at such Uncertainties as to all outward things The Lord help me to live in some measure answerable to his great Mercies and to keep the Covenant with him that I have this Day renewed Things whereby a Man may examine and judge of himself 1. If you would be saved you must by deep and serious Repentance forsake the World and Sin and turn to God in Christ and firmly believe in him 2. You must resign and devote your self to be the Lord's 3. You must take the Favour of God for your Happiness 4. You must be diligent in the Use of all holy Means and Duties 5. You must study the Scriptures to know God's Mind and do it 6. The whole Course of your Lives will be set to please and honour God Now examine whether you are like to be saved How is it O my Soul as to these things Do I go in the broad Way or not Let not the Devil keep you from this Self-Examination if he can prevail for that you may make a great Profession and do many things and yet perish for ever Judge of thy self by these things and seriously enquire 1. Whether Eternal Salvation have the Preheminence of your Esteem and Choice that you prefer it before all Wordly Prosperity 2. Is the obtaining of this Salvation and preparing for it the great Business of your Lives 3. Under the Sense of Sin do you give up your selves to Christ as the only Physician of Souls to heal and help and save you 4. Is it the sincere Desire of your Souls that you may be saved from Sin as well as Hell From the Power and Practice of Sin as well as from the Wrath of God 5. What is the Matter of thy Comfort Is it to converse with God To look up to him with Hope of his Acceptance Doth the Light of God's Countenance give thee more Joy than the Increase of Riches Canst thou say from thy Heart thou hadst rather be poor and despised and miserable in this World with God's Favour than to be the greatest Person in the World and God to be thine Enemy Examine by such Things as these O let me be in earnest for Christ and Grace and never rest till it be put out of Doubt that God in Christ is my God and that he hath made an everlasting Covenant with me If this be not I am undone for ever But this I must obtain or my Soul shall be in Bitterness before the Lord while I have a Being Nothing shall comfort me while I am Graceless and without Christ I am resolved for Him his Grace and Favour against all Denials If God will not let me see the Good of his Chosen and reveal his Christ and Grace in me I will mourn I will mourn while I live If God will not comfort me nothing else shall If I may not find Rest and Peace in Christ I will have none at all If God will take no Pleasure in me I will take none in my self My Tears shall be my Meat continually I
will go mourning in this World while I have a Day to live till Christ shall please to cast an Eye of Grace and Mercy on me Nay let it come to this I cannot live if God be not reconciled If Christ be not mine my Spirit fails If the Lord do not relieve me there is nothing No abiding for me unless he speak a Word of Peace When the Soul is brought to this I must have an Interest in Christ or nothing will satisfie me such an one shall find Acceptance Therefore be in good earnest and let the Desires of the Soul rise up to an holy Restlesness O wretched Negligence that we can let the greatest Concerns of our Souls lie at Hazard all our Days Ten Questions to ask our Hearts Thus Mr. Steel advis'd we should often commune with our Hearts I. What have I been if now I am changed I was a wretched Sinner II. What Good have I done that God may have the Glory and I the Comfort III. How have I done it IV. What have I neglected The slothful Servant is condemn'd who had Talents but did no good with them What Duties have I neglected and how many Opportunities of doing good omitted V. What State am I in Am I in a gracious or sinful State in Christ or in my Sins If I am in Christ he rules if in Sin that reigns VI. What Frame am I in Am I in a gracious or worldly Frame of Heart VII What do I Am I in my Calling and in the way of my Duty Am I now doing the Will of God VIII Whither am I going Towards Heaven or Hell Every Moment I take a Step to one of them IX How far am I on my Way to Heaven X. What shall I do to be saved Salvation is to be had how shall I attain it His Covenant with God O Most Dreadful God! for the Passion of thy Son I beseech Thee accept of thy poor Prodigal now prostrating himself at thy Door I have fallen from Thee by mine Iniquiry and am by Nature a Son of Death 〈◊〉 a thousand-fold more the Child of Hell by 〈◊〉 wicked Practice but of thine Infinite Grace Thou hast promised Mercy to me in Christ if I will but turn to thee with all my Heart Therefore upon the Call of thy Gospel I am now come in and throwing down my Weapons submit my self to thy Mercy And because thou requirest as the Condition of my Peace with thee that I should put away mine Idols and be at Defiance with all thine Enemies which I acknowledge I have wickedly sided with against thee I here from the bottom of my Heart renounce them all firmly Covenanting with thee Not to allow my self in any known Sin but to use conscientiously all the Means that I know thou hast prescribed for the Death and utter Destruction of all my Corruptions And whereas I have formerly inordinately and idolatrously let out my Affections upon the World I do here resign my Heart to thee that mad'st it humbly protesting before thy Glorious Majesty That it is the firm Resolution of my Heart and that I do unfeignedly desire Grace from thee that when thou shalt call me hereunto I may practise this my Resolution through thy Assistance to forsake all that is dear unto me in this World rather than to turn from thee to the Ways of Sin and that I will watch against all its Temptations whether of Prosperity or Adversity lest they should withdraw my Heart from thee beseeching thee also to help me against the Temptations of Satan to whose wicked Suggestions I resolve by thy Grace never to yield my self a Servant And because my own Righteousness is but menstruous Rags I renounce all Confidence therein and acknowlege that I am of my self a hopeless helpless undone Creature without Righteousness or Strength And for as much as thou hast of thy bottomless Mercy offered most graciously to me wretched Sinner to be again my God through Christ if I would accept of thee I call Heaven and Earth to record this Day that I do here solemnly avouch thee for the Lord my God and with all possible Veneration bowing the Neck of my Soul under the Feet of thy most Sacred Majesty I do here take Thee the Lord Jehovah Father Son and Holy Ghost for my Portion and Chief Good and do give up my self Body and Soul for thy Servant promising and vowing to serve thee in Holiness and Righteousness all the Days of my Life And since thou hast appointed the Lord Jesus Christ the only Means of coming unto thee I do here upon the bended Knees of my Soul accept of him as the only new and living Way by which Sinners may have Access to thee and do here solemnly join my self in a Marriage-Covenant to him O blessed Jesus I come to thee hungry and hardly bestead poor and wretched and miserable and blind and naked a most loathsome polluted Wretch a guilty condemned Malefactor unworthy for ever to wash the Feet of the Servants of my Lord much more to be solemnly married to the King of Glory But sith such is thine unparallel'd Love I do here with all my Power accept thee and do take thee for my Head and Husband for better for worse for richer for poorer for all Times and Conditions to love and honour and obey thee before all others and this to the Death I embrace thee in all thine Offices I renounce my own Worthiness and do here avow thee for the Lord my Righteousness I renounce mine own Wisdom and do here take thee for my only Guide I renounce my own Will and take thy Will for my Law And since thou hast told me that I must suffer if I will reign I do here Covenant with thee to take my Lot as it falls with thee and by thy Grace assisting to run all Hazards with thee verily purposing that neither Life nor Death shall part between thee and me And because thou hast been pleased to give me thy holy Laws as the Rule of my Life and the Way in which I should walk to thy Kingdom I do here willingly put my Neck under thy Yoke and set my Shoulder to thy Burden and subscribing to all thy Laws as holy just and good I solemnly take them as the Rule of my Words Thoughts and Actions promising that tho' my Flesh contradict and rebel yet I will endeavour to order and govern my whole Life according to thy Direction and will not allow my self in the Neglect of any thing that I know to be my Duty Only because through the Frailty of my Flesh I am subject to many Failings I am bold humbly to protest that unallowed Miscarriages contrary to the settled Bent and Resolution of my Heart shall not make void this Covenant for so thou hast said Now Almighty God Searcher of all Hearts thou knowest that I make this Covenant with thee this Day without any known Guile or Reservation beseeching thee That if thou espiest any Flaw
Christ far better The Dress for the Sacrament Lord where am I What! all the Children of the Bride-Chamber up and dress'd and I slumbring in my Bed Tell me ye fairest what make you up so early Alas our Lord was up before us all he called us up by Break-of-Day and wondered that we were not trimming our Lamps knowing with whom we were to feast this Day Well then I will rise up too O what a Shew do these bright and glittering Saints make in my Eyes surely they did not thus dress themselves It was my Father made them thus prepared to entertain his Son But where are my Cloaths Now for the fairest sweetest Robe of Thoughts and Wishes that can be found O how naked am I But where are my silken golden Twists of Faith to hang the Jewels of Joy and Love and Humility upon I am never dress'd till they be on O where are they I saw them by me but just now I laid them by my Heart before I went to Bed But ah I fear this envious World hath with her Vanities stolen them away or the envious Devil or Unbelief hath been ravelling or snarling of them that now I am as far to seek as ever Whither O whither shall I go to find them out Now will the Bridegroom come and I am not ready I cannot dare not go to Day now will my Lord be angry and ask me why I came not and I have no Answer to make him and if I go undress'd he will ask me where is my Wedding-Garment and then I shall be speechless Ah foolish simple Heart that thou should'st let these Thoughts of Earth so entangle themselves with thy Heavenly Meditations how to get them loose again thou know'st not this by Care thou mightest have prevented Now what Help Lord I have sinned O holy Father pardon this time and I will take more heed O come and untie my Thoughts from this Earth and come and dress me up as best pleaseth thee Come be not discouraged O my Soul let but thy Attire of Grace be whole that is sincere and thy God and Saviour will accept thee tho' thy Garments are not so much perfumed with Heaven as thy Brethrens are thy Lord knows all have not Talents alike and where he gives but little he expects but little thou hast an honest willing serious Heart that thinks it doth despise and trample under Feet the nearest dearest Pleasures Profits and Glories in the World compared with him that gave himself to Death for thee and hadst rather anger all the World than him by sinning against him in the least If this he true fear not thou hast thy Wedding-Garment on thou art well clad as mean soever as it is it is such an one as Heaven gave thee and such an one as thy dear Redeemer can and will embrace thee in The Presence-Chamber Fear not O my Soul I charge thee do not faint let not thy Weakness and the Poverty of thy Grace discourage thee see how thy Lord draws nigh O he comes and it is but to welcome thee and fall about thy Neck and kiss thee and bid thee a kind Welcome to thy bleeding Lord The Bread Welcome Fairest take and eat it is the sweetest Dainties dearest Morsel Heaven can afford thee Welcome my Dear to the Table of thy Lord welcome a thousand times I bid thee yea welcomer than thine own Heart can wish Take eat this Morsel it costs my Life it is a Portion thy Father sent unto thee by me and bid me remember thee of his Love to thee He bids thee remember a Father's Love I a Saviour's he hath a Heart to give thee and so have I take this in earnest of them both in one take freely if thou wert not welcome I would have told thee I would have ask'd thee for thy Wedding-Garment Tell me O tell me dost thou not love me I know thou dost And wilt not thou take the Cross and follow me I know thou wilt I heard thee and had Compassion on thy Groanings I know thee well enough thou art mine and I am thine take it I charge thee eat it as thou lovest me and while thou feedest remember the Love of thy dearest Redeemer The Wine Come my Dearest I have drunk and thou shalt pledge me I have broached my Sides and drew it on purpose for thee this is a Wine of my own making when I trod the Wine-Press of my Father's Wrath it is my Blood take and drink it Sin was the Cause of my wounding but to thy Soul it shall prove healing I died and bled to make this Banquet for thee I have brought thee into my Wine-Cellar and my Banner over thee shall be Love Fear not take and drink thou hast an Ulcer in thy Heart and this shall cure it thy Spirits are faint this shall revive thee Drink I charge thee drink on thy Love and Loyalty to me I command thee as thou wilt have thy Heart to mend thy Wounds to be cured thy Spirits to revive thy Fears to scatter thy Soul to love and obey me Take O take this Cup into thy Hand taste it and praise my Name Memorable Sayings and Passages collected and transcribed for his own Vse These are some among others WHat we are affraid to do before Men we should be affraid to think before God because our secret Thoughts are as obvious to the Eyes of God as our Actions to the Eyes of Men. God shewed more Mercy in saving some when he might have condemned all than he did Justice in leaving some to perish when he might have saved none Great Vertues without Sincerity of Heart are rejected when great Infirmities without Hypocrisie are pardon'd A good Intention cannot make a bad Action good tho' an ill Intention may make an Action in it self good to be evil He who presumes to sin in Hopes of Repentance shall be sure to repent because he presumes They who presume most in a time of Prosperity are most apt to despair in Adversity Repent one Day before thou diest was good Counsel I know not when that Day will be therefore I will repent to Day lest it should be too late to Morrow He that delays his Repentance one Day hath another Day more to repent of and one Day less to do it in God who joins the End and Means together doth accomplish all his Purposes of Good to us by working in us Desires and Endeavours sutable to those Purposes Better go to Heaven by the Gates of Hell than to Hell by the Gate of Heaven mourning to the Heavenly Glory than laughing to the Place of Torment One may suffer and not sin but if he sin he shall be sure to suffer Herod might have kept his Oath and not have cut off the Baptist's Head he only promised to grant what she ask'd to the half of his Kingdom whereas the Prophet's Head was more worth than the whole Such is the infinite Extent and Value of our Saviour's Merit that
Mat. 7. 7. Psal 30. 18. Joh. 16. 24. Psal 84. 11. Isa 40. 27. Psal 27. 14. Lament 3. 24 25 26. Psal 147. 11. Psal 26. 3 4. Isa 50. 10. Isa 41. 10. Isa 43. 24 25. Isa 44. 22. 1 Joh. 1. 9. 1 Joh. 2. 1. Mark 1. 18 19. Rom. 6. 14. Ezek. 34. 6. Psal 103. 8 9. Job 17. 9. Prov. 4. 18. Phil. 1. 6. Joh. 10. 7. Rom. 16. 20. Heb. 4. 15. These Promises with many more was the Lord pleased to give me in the time of my Distress and Trouble of Spirit and I found them reviving Cordials O how welcome was a Promise to me When I have been ready to despair and to give up all for lost and had nothing to support me then did I take the Bible into my Hand and desire God to direct some sutable Promise to me and opening the Bible the first place I have cast mine Eye upon hath often been a precious and sutable Promise and hath been set home with such Power as wonderfully to comfort me Once being under great Fear and Terror I opened the Bible and the first place I fixed my Eye upon was Isa 54. 4. Fear not for thou shalt not be confounded nor put to shame thou shalt forget the Shame of thy Youth thy Maker is thy Husband the Lord of Hosts is his Name and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel the God of the whole Earth shall he be called for the Lord hath called thee as a Woman forsaken and grieved in Spirit c. For a small Moment have I forsaken thee but with great Mercy will I gather thee In a little Wrath I hid my Face for a moment but with everlasting Kindness will I have Mercy on thee saith the Lord thy Redeemer c. I was wonderfully affected in the reading these sweet Promises and took it as a Voice from Heaven to me because I had desired some such sutable Promise At another time being in great Trouble and fearing I should never hold out but be overcome by Sin and Satan I opened my Bible and the first place I fixed my Eye upon was Isa 41. 10. Fear not for I am with thee be not dismayed for I am thy God I will strengthen thee yea I will help thee yea will uphold thee with the right hand of my Righteousness I cannot express the Comfort I received by this sutable and seasonable Promise One Sabbath-Day Night being still followed with Temptations full of unbelieving Doubts and Fears I was much troubled about it that I who had received such great Mercies should have such vain Thoughts and be so full of Unbelief Notwithstanding the Experience I had of God's Goodness and Mercy to me and the Assurance I had before of his Love I was tempted to think that I was not elected and that therefore all I did was to no purpose and that I should never be saved This was a subtile and strong Temptation Satan did not only labour to drive me off from all Duty but to weaken my Faith and bring me to Despair But the Lord who had many times before wonderfully rescued me from the roaring Lion would not suffer me to be foiled by him but was pleased to present that Scripture to my Eye There is no Temptation has taken you but such as is common to Men and God is Faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above what you are able but will with the Temptation make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it At another time being greatly troubled with Unbelief that Place in the Revelations was terrible to me The Fearful and Unbelieving shall have their part in the Lake that burns with Fire and Brimstone which is the second Death This made me exceedingly affraid I thought if the Fearful and Unbelieving should perish then surely I should because I was so full of Fears and Doubts and Unbelief But the Lord did not leave me in this great Streight he would not suffer me to be overwhelmed with Sorrow but quickly directed me to a sutable and seasonable Scripture that was as comfortable as the other was terrible 2 Tim. 2. 13. If we believe not yet be abideth faithful he cannot deny himself This Promise was very sweet and sutable to my present Condition neither did I remember there was such a Place before These and many of the fore-named Promises were given me in my Trouble and Distress and the Lord enabled me by his Spirit to make Application of them to my own Soul for my Consolation Certainly I may say with David I had fainted unless I had believed to see the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living The Sorrows of Death did compass me about and the Pains of Hell got hold upon me I found Trouble and Sorrow Then called I upon the Name of the Lord O Lord I beseech thee deliver my Soul Gracious is the Lord and righteous yea our God is merciful I was brought low and he helped me Return unto thy Rest O my Soul for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee In the multitude of my Thoughts within me thy Comforts delight my Soul In the Day when I cried thou answeredst me and strengthenedst me with Strength in my Soul Blessed be the Lord because he hath heard the Voice of my Supplication the Lord is my Strength and my Song my Heart trusted in him and I am helped If it had not been the Lord who had been on my side when Satan rose up against me he had surely swallowed me up The Lord has called me out of Darkness into his marvelous Light He hath plucked me as a Fire-brand out of Hell and set me in the way to Heaven So that I may say again and again Great is his Mercy towards me for he hath delivered my Soul from the lowest Hell But O! why is it that I am so little sensible of this great Deliverance How can I look back upon all this without admiring the Free Grace and undeserved Love of God towards such a worthless Worm as I who was an Enemy to him and a Rebel against him and had nothing in me but what deserved Hell O that ever the Lord should from Eternity elect and choose me to Salvation through Jesus Christ That God should pass by thousands and let them alone to perish in their Sins and cast a Look of Love upon me and when I was in my Blood say unto me Live That he should not only give his Son for me but to me That he should take me with the Prodigal from the Trough and with the Beggar from the Dunghil and make me an Heir of Glory When I read that Christ's Flock is but a little Flock and that strait is the Gate and narrow is the Way that leads to Life and few there be that find it I cannot but wonder that I should be in that Number And because I cannot sufficiently admire I will therefore adore my Good God But what Returns should I