this most vgly sinne That I in heauen among thy Saints the lowest place may winne The last and lowest place of all O Lord of thee I craue Giue grace to wash and make me cleane that I that place may haue Forgiue me all my sinnes though they most grieuous be and great Forgiue me all for Christ his sake I humbly thee intreat Then I will sing to thee with ioy my song it shall be this No wight so wicked as I was hath place in heauenly blisse To Father Sonne and holy Ghost All glorie be therefore Yea honour worship praise and thanks henceforth for euermore ¶ About three of the clocke in the afternoone I must say the same prayer which I said about nine in the forenoone O Almightie Lord God who louest holinesse c. ¶ My afternoone Psalme to the Suffolke tune O Blessed and most glorious God whose throne is set on high I sinnfull and most wretched man to thee for mercy crie Confessing that thy great goodnesse thy patience wonderfull And long forbearance doe me mooue my sinnes to disanul But wo is me my naughtie heart to sinne is still so bent That in my selfe I finde no meanes entirely to repent This world also wherein I liue with sinne doth ouerflowe And meetes me with temptations which way soe'er I goe Satan that mighty euill spirit so full of subtiltie Doth practise all the meanes he can that I in sinne may die Therefore I crie to thee O Lord whose power is ouer all Beseeching thee to free me from this sinnefull deadly thrall With true repentance and right faith mine heart and soule fulfill That I may hate all wickednesse and cleane fast to thy will From all this worlds temptations and Satans practising Keepe thou me safe I humbly pray O gracious heauenly King Then will I praise with heart and voice and magnifie thy name When thou hast saued my poore soule from endlesse paine and shame All glorie honour praise and thankes be alwaies giuen to thee O Father Sonne and holy Ghost one God in persons three My prayer at night before I goe to bed O most mightie and most gracious Lord God I wretched man the worst of the world doe crie thee mercie for all the sinns which this day or at any time before haue come out of my heart by way of deede word or thought I heartily thanke thee for all the blessings which thou hast graciously and plentifully giuen me I humbly praise thine holy name for that it hath pleased thee to preserue mee from many euills to deliuer me out of great dangers I beseech thee to endue me with such a measure of thy grace that I may henceforth foreuermore bee acceptably thankefull vnto thee through Iesus Christ Be mercifull also I humbly pray thee vnto all those for whom I ought to pray giue them and vnto me I beseech thee all the graces which thine only sonne hath taught vs to pray for in his name saying O our father which art in heaaen hallowed be thy name c. When I lay me downe in my bed I will say O blessed Lord God here I lie downe not knowing what shall come vnto me this night I humbly betake both bodie and soule vnto thee beseeching thy most gracious goodnesse to receiue me into thy keeping through Iesus Christ thine onely Son my Lord and Sauiour Amen When I settle my selfe to sleepe I will say O good Lord God vouchsafe to be mercifull vnto this feeble bodie that it may haue a little comfortable rest and be thereby made the more seruiceable vnto thee through thine onely Sonne my deare Lord and Sauiour Amen If I cannot take rest I will say thus O most gracious Lord this body cannot take rest because I haue wickedly disordered it I beseech thee therefore to pardon me all my wickednesse and now teach my poore soule how it shal find euerlasting rest in thee thorough thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Iesus Christ Amen About midnight whether I haue slept or not I will pray thus O most glorious Lord God the Father of lights no darkenes can hide me from thee for thou seest so clearely at midnight as at mid-day yea thou beholdest all my thoughts Therefore I humbly present my selfe before thy blessed Maiestie beseeching thee to look graciously vpon me a most vngracious wretch and to saue me from the workes of darkenes that I may haue the lowest place within the kingdome of thy glorie Graunt this most mercifull Father for thine onely Sonnes sake in whose name I pray further for my selfe and for all other folke as he hath taught me saying O our Father which art in heauen hallowed bee thy name c. So often as I haue had any sleepe when I awake I will say thus O most mercifull Father God almightie I humbly thanke thee for the rest which thou hast now giuen vnto this naughty bodie I bequeath both it and my soule into thine hands to bee disposed of according vnto thy will to the glorie of thy name through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen When I arise in the morning I will say O good Lord God with all mine heart I thanke thy blessed maiestie for that it hath pleased thee mercifully to keep me all this night nowe I arise out of this bed in thy name O Father in thy name O Iesus Christ in thy name O holy Ghost O most holy vndiuided vnseparable three persons in one God one God in three persons for thy glorious names sake vouchsafe to be mercifull vnto me a sinner Amen This is my third rule My last rule Fourthly and lastly I must in the sight of God conscionably detest and resist my sinnes faithfully endeauouring that I may in very truth sa◠with Dauid Psalm 18.23 I was also vpright before him and I kept my selfe from mine iniquitie First therefore beeing alwaies mindfull of Gods presence I must carefully intend to know and to doe his will Secondly when any motion commeth vnto mine heart quietly vnpartially diligently consider whether it be good in the sight of God yea or no If it be good I must willingly yeeld vnto it But if it be euill I must steadfastly purpose to refuse it yea and remooue my selfe so farre as possible from all danger of beeing tempted vnto it If I be strongly tempted to yeeld vnto any sinne I must earnestly pray vnto God for deliuerance thus O most holy and blessed Lord God I the worst of all sinners being now as thou seest strongly tempted to sinne against thee and not able to resist the temptation by reason of the long setled wickednesse of my heart doe humbly beseech thee to be so mercifull vnto me as to saue me from this great danger thorough thy almightie grace in Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Hauing thus praied yea and praied againe and againe if need require I must with a good courage put on the mind that I wil
rather endure any losse or dammage then yeeld vnto that sinne And I must assure my selfe that how stronglie soeuer I am tempted God will most certainly enable me to endure that temptation vnlesse I basely consent vnto it When by the grace of God I am freed frō any temptation I must praise him thus O the Father of mercy and the fountaine of power I a most weake wretch not able to resist the least motion of sinne that may be do heartily thanke thee for this gracious deliuerance which thou hast vouchsafed to giue vnto mee O good Lord I beseech thee to continue thy grace towards mee that I may alwaies be more and more thankfull vnto thee thorough Iesus Christ thine only Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen If thorough want of heed or by weake resistance I fall into any sinne I must so soone as I know it make my confession and prayer vnto God thus O most holy and righteous Lord God I most damnable sinner haue now sinned against thee thus and thus c. I crie thee mercy O most mercifull Father beseeching thee to giue mee true repentance pardon and freedome from this and from all my sinnes thorough thine onely Sonne Iesus Christ my Lord and Sauiour Amen Moreouer because I am much giuen to sinne openly that is in the sight or in the hearing of some one or many of Gods people which is a great meanes to draw them into sinne or to hardē them in sinne or at least to discourage those which make conscience of their conuersation vnto euery one that shall heare or see me sinning I must so soone as I perceiue my sinne with all possible conuenient speed very plainly and repentingly confesse it thus Such a thing you saw me doe or Such a thing you heard me say I beseech you for Gods sake to take great heed that it cause no euil effect in you for it was a sinne against God and therefore I cry God mercy for it Thus I must confesse any open fault yea if it be commited in preaching writing or howsoeuer A pulpit fault in the same pulpit and to the same company must bee confessed These be my rules for the practise of zealous reformation that I may be in very deed a member and minister of the reformed Church Now I will declare vnto you how I endeauoured to bring my selfe into those foure Rules and with what successe All the rest of Aprill I in a manner lost endeauouring very little or nothing but I could haue no quietnesse in minde longer then I intended that busines The first of May died in our parish a gentleman one M. Villers of the same tormenting disease which I haue he had bin long time very greiuously pained with it Euery day specially in the morning it plagued me Wherefore to ease the paine I dranke much small drinke and sometime water yea now and then mine own water because I was told that so I should be cased But though I dranke neuer so much after it was passed thorough my bodie the paine came againe Yet notwithstanding all this I could not keep my selfe in the company of God specially when I was together with any body for then I fell into a deale of idle vnholy communication The eight of May beeing Sabbath day in the euening these foure were together M. Sidney Zouch M. Mathew Bate Philip Aram Richard Kilby we dranke at M. Matth. Bates house who at the parting said thus vnto vs It is great oddes that not all wee foure shal be aliue this day twelue moneth I roundly took the words to my self iudging that the first which must be gone was I and that god had put into his mind to say those words for my monishment Yet see the setled wickednesse of mine heart after my departure from thē I met with other company and so merily delighted my selfe with prophane talke that when I came into my chamber I was forced to goe prayer-lesse to bedde because my soule was confounded and ashamed to looke vp towards God The morrow morning I prayed thus O blessed Lord God most maruelous art thou in goodnesse and patience Is it possible that thou canst forbeare the powring of thy iust and wrathfull vengeance vpon mee O Lord it is exceedingly enough that thou hast thus long forborne mee Cut off I beseech thee this most cursed course of my sinne and doe vnto mee that which is most pleasing to thy holy will O Lord is there yet any hope that I should be saued Yea with condition of repentance Woe is mee there is no possibilitie of my repentance I cannot steadfastly continue in the purpose of resisting my sinnes yea so long as thy pleasure is to preserue me aliue thou callest mee vnto thee O God I would come but I cannot I will assaie O I haue no faith This is that which commeth of long liuing in sinne Yet who can tell what thou wilt doe if I but offer to assay Without assaying there is no turning without turning no saluation Therefore I will assay Good Lord I cannot How vncouth How strange How beyond all possibilitie doth the practise of a conscionable life seeme vnto mee O Lord besides mine owne inward vnrepentance the violent streame of this world hindereth mee Most folke further mee in sinne some one way some another But a very few holp mee to enter in at the little doore of repentance Men may talke much and professe great matters but it is repentance that shall try what kind of people they be O how easie a thing it is to make an outward shewe if that would serue the turne The heart must be vpright with thee and the spirit must cleaue fast vnto thee else it is no bargaine no couenant betweene thee and the party In the name of Iesus I wil assay O Iesu help me for thy most comfortable names sake Amen That very same day I comming into company turned from God Tuesday I prayed thus O Lord God I do plainely perceiue that to pray vnto thee for the grace of repentance and not to enforce my selfe to practise the meanes is a kind of mockery and a fearefull prouoking of thy displeasure Earnest praier and diligent practise will mutually thorough thy grace strengthen each other But neglect of practise sheweth cold deuotion Therefore I purpose to force my selfe vnto this businesse O good Lord be mercifull vnto mee Amen My intolerable paine grew worse and worse yet I could not frame my selfe to take any sure hold vpon the grace of repentance Munday the sixteenth of May I prayed thus O Lord God had I not been a stony hearted sinner this deadly windines might haue terrified mee from sinne aboue sixe yeares a gone O how blessed should I now haue beene had I but these sixe last yeares in singlenesse of heart serued thee Now my time is gone mine heart is dead within me And though I should liue a while this hellish strangury quite disableth me yet were I turned vnto thee thou wouldest
fit of the stone and therefore prayed thus O my good Lord it is a most miserable state for a man hauing spent his time in sin to die before that he haue in the way of repentance done any seruice vnto thee This dolorous disease tormenteth me sore and threatneth to kill me O Lord might it please thee in some measure to rebuke it that I may liue a while and glorifie thy grace in the zealous reformation of life O how should I then be bound to prayse thy blessed name Me thinks I heare thee saying vnto mee Thou vaine man that talkest so much and makest so many doubts wouldings and wishings let me see thee once turne vnto me and then thou shalt know more of my mind vntill then all that thou sayest or doest is as nothing Therefore make no more words but turne speedily from sin whilest time serues and say thou hast faire warning O most gracious Lord I haue long had and yet haue blessed be thy name very faire warning I will henceforth endeauour to turne vnto thee through Iesus Christ Amen Thursdaie I beganne to sing a morning Psalme which I purposed thence-forth to sing euery morning hauing also prepared an euening Psalme to bee sung vnto the Lord God after that I am once well entred into the practise of repentance ¶ Mine euening Psalme to the Kentish tune O Lord most high and mighty God I sinnefull wretched man Confesse to thee so heartily as possibly I can That marueilous exceeding great thy goodnes is to me Who haue been alwaies most vnkind and grieuous vnto thee These very many yeares thou hast a wonder it 's to tell Preseru'd my dying life els I should now haue been in hell Euen hitherto O gracious God thou hast vpheld me still Whō thou most iustly mightst long since haue left to Sathans will What shall I therefore say O Lord to thee for thy goodnesse O that my heart and tongue were fit thy goodnesse to confesse O God my poore and sinnefull soule most humbly sues to thee That from this filthy wickednesse thou wilt once set me free Now blessed Lord free me I pray free me for Christ his sake That of thy mercies in him I my songs may euer make Then will I praise thine holy name for euer more and more Withall my heart soule strength might I will praise thee therefore O Father Sonne and holy Ghost All glorie be to thee To thee three persons in one God one God in persons three Thursday at dinner I fell into much vncharitable speech concerning diuerse folk Therefore comming into my chamber I confessed and prayed thus O Lord I haue sinned against thee in speaking vncharitably of many people Thou knowest that it is a common practise of most companies in talking to shoote at rouers and for lacke of other markes to spare neither the liuing nor the dead A cruell sinne and very foule in any specially in a minister of thy Sonne Christ for that gracious Lord was so farre from speaking ill of others that he had no minde to heare any body ill spoken of Yea hee chose rather to busie himselfe in stooping downe and writing vpon the ground with his finger then to haue nothing else to doe but to giue eare vnto a bad report though it were neuer so true Ioh. 8.6 O good Lord pardon my wickednesse and giue me grace to leaue it through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen That euening I hauing not been out of doores a whole fortnight before went foorth to see Philip Aram who was then newe come home from London and told me of the good health of my worshipfull friend Mr. Richard Sedley of Southfleet in Kent a gentleman endued with many vertues specially deuotion towards God and charitie towards the poore And because I haue taken occasion to speake of vertues so rare in these euill yet good-seeming daies I cannot forbeare to commend vnto men of worth and worship a very notable patterne of right gentrie Sir William Sedley the elder brother whose equal in bountiful releeuing of Gods poore I neuer knewe and am much afraid that I neuer shal know Foolish pride vnsatiable couetousnes and pampering gluttony haue banished hospitalitie and vtterly renounced liberalitie Woe is mee for them How vnlike themselues doe many great ones liue Hurtfull to how many good to how fewe The world is too too ful of petty tyrants whose iudgement lingreth not but followeth so fast vpon them that it ouertaketh some before they die and many in the next generation If any aske what reason I haue in confessing my owne sinnes to ransack the faults of others Mine answer is I am though most vnworthy a professed Preacher of righteousnesse therefore bound in conscience to doe what I possibly can against sinn The day of mine account draweth very neere I haue foolishly lost much precious time Wherefore I am desirous to make all the vse that may be of this small remnant I humbly beseech all people that in tender compassion of my great losse and fearefull danger they will be pleased to beare with mee if I seeme vnto them to speake of any thing ouer-harshly God Almightie knoweth that I heartily wish all good vnto all people Now I returne to my selfe I sat a while with my louing friend Philip Aram and certaine other whether they tooke knowledge of any offence of mine I know not This I knowe when I came home my conscience found much fault in my behauiour and therefore I was driuen to cry God mercy for my forgetfulnesse of his all-seeing all-hearing presence Fryday by reason of diuerse which came vnto mee I lost a great part of the day Therefore at night I confessed and prayed thus O most righteous Lord I haue this day not only lost my time but also by occasion of company indangred my weake bodie in drinking much betweene meales I haue also bin a partaker of much idle and vncharitable talke I beseech thee to giue me the grace to be truely turned from these and from all my sinnes that I may be saued Amen Saturday about nine of the clocke in the forenoone I prayed as I thinke more deuoutly and effectually then euer before Among other words of complaint touching my state I spake thus There is no possibilitie no likelihood of repentance in me being within my selfe so accustomed to sinne without so holden vnto it by the world How can I haue any hope to arise out of the hell of sinne seeing that I haue these twentie yeares and more assaied and assaied to arise and still alwaies fallen down again Yet O Lord there is hope in thee though none in mee Vouchsafe to make an ende of my sinning whatsoeuer become of me My duty is to craue mercy of thee Good Lord I craue it good Lord vouchsafe to giue it for thy tender mercies sake for thy deere Sonne Iesus Christs sake c. At dinner I spake my minde touching a matter which concerned me
vnto God which from time to time I vndertooke to doe but was alwaies hindred both by the setlednes of mine owne wicked disposition and also by the common course of this world which so farre as I know will very hardly suffer a man to keepe companie with God I appeale vnto their iudgement that bee in awe of God and make conscience how they behaue themselues in his sight Yet it pleased the Lord first by little and little to stablish my wauering iudgement and then to let me runne my selfe into many outward dangers and diuerse bodily diseases that so at last I might be broken from sinne In Queen Elizabeths time I was in great danger because I had spoken something touching the party who should succed her in these kingdomes whom I well knew to be in all right his Maiestie that now is for being giuen to the reading of Chronicles I had drawne a pedegree and Mr. Doctor Charles Chadwicke my tutor in Emanuel colledge shewed me another for something publikely spoken to that purpose in a sermon at S. Marie Cray in Kent in the yeare as I remember nintie eight I was accused to Doct. Barlow then chapleine to Archbishop Whitegift and Parson of Orpington and S. Marie Craie He presently gaue order vnto one M. Hamden a Iustice of peace to call me to an account and examine both me and diuerse credible persons that heard me He ioyning vnto him S. Robert Bosevile of Anisford tooke mine examination in Sir Percivall Hartes house at Lullingstone Those men which were examined what they heard me say namely M. Francis Haddon M. Richard Manning of Keuingtowne and as I thinke Richard Manning of Kippingden-crowch c. did giue good testimonie of me and the minister that accused me was by the Iustice found variable So by the goodnes of God I escaped that danger but performed not vnto him my promise of reformatiō I passe by many dangers because I wil not trouble you with hearing the seuerall reports of thē only one I pray you patiently to heare Vpon S. Steuens day in the yeare sixe hundred and eleuen I preached a sermon in the Church called Alhallowes in Derby where then I was and now am the vnworthy Minister In my prayer before the Sermon I made a strange fault and thus it came about I in my priuate prayers had vsed in verie deare affection to my Soueraigne Lord God is witnesse to name those kingdomes together whereof the Lord God hath giuen him possession and that by it selfe which yet hee doth not possesse verie vndiscreetly I in my publike prayer that day fell into that forme of words My text was S. Steuens prayer for his persecutors which I vrged verie farre I will not say discreetly but I professe before the God of heauen that it was without any secret loue to Poperie I vrged that which I shall euer hold to bee true that though the Papists be our dangerous enemies as beeing full of malice treason yet we ought to be rather angrie with our sins then with them for had we grace to walke worthy of that glorious light which God by the Gospel of his Sonne hath graciously giuen vnto vs in this land hee would not suffer that mysterie of iniquity to preuaile against vs. This is most certaine for hitherto he hath miraculously defeated their hellish practises though we in our owne consciences knowe that we are vnworthie of such marueilous preseruatiō I came to this parrish against the will of many Some of which companie tooke occasion out of my fault about his Maiesties style-royall and out of some things spoken both in that and other sermons how conscionably charitably construed it concerneth them to ponder I say they tooke occasion to accuse me of Poperie and treason and those accusations they vrged with much pollicy and great strength against me I was twice at London about it and in sore perplexitie God knoweth It pleased the Almightie though I was most vnworthy of his aide to be entreated of me and therefore hee procured me many friends namely many reuerend ministers especially Doct. Neale then Bishop of Couentrie and Lichfielde by whose constant intercession I obtained of my Soueraigne Lord King Iames a gracious remission and of the Lord Archbishop vnto whom I was vehemently complained of a very grue and fatherly dismission When the trouble came first vpon mee all the mouie which I had in all the world was betweene fortie and fiftie shillings But I was much befreinded by many specially by Mr. Frauncis Mundie of Marketon neere Derbie who by his seruant sent mee a purse and in it some fifteene or sixteene pounds willing mee to take either all or how much I would freely Such a freind yea such freinds God send euery honest poore man in his neede And God who is the fountain of mercies vouchsafe to be euermore mercifull vnto them theirs that shew mercie vnto poore distressed wretches ouertaken betweene the straites Here in all humblenesse I craue fauourable leaue to speake a few words vnto superiours Ecclesiasticall and Ciuill Oh my Lords and Masters a poore man pursued by mighty aduersaries must needs be guiltie whether hee be guiltie or no vnles you follow his example vpon whom your dignities depend Please it you therefore to consider what hee once said vnto Abraham his freind Gen. 18.20 And the Lord saide Because the crie of Sodome and Gomorrah is great and because their sinne is very greiuous 21. I will goe downe now and see whether they haue done altogether according to the crie of it which is come vnto mee and if not I will know The Lord our God vnto whom al things are so manifest as possibly they may be needeth not to examine any accusation for hee knoweth farre more perfectly then either the accuser or the accused But his minde is that all men and specially you should with all moderation and lawfull indifferencie take thorough-knowledge of any specially of a poore mans cause before you giue sentence yea before you speake any hard word for a crosse tearme yea a frowne is enough to astonish many a weake-hearted man and make him vnable to speake for himselfe Also I humbly beseech all Preachers to take these warnings by mee First be yee thoroughly reconciled vnto God that hee may vouchsafe to ioyne with you in that most weightie businesse Secondly so farre as possibly with a good conscience haue peace and be in freindly tearmes with all people least some in bitternesse of displeasure mistake your words to their hurt and your greefe The holy God is my witnesse that some speeches of mine were most strangely mistaken by men professing great precisenesse of conscience yea marke I pray you so strangely that out of a publike speech of mine zealously intended and vttered against the Romane religion one peece of an article was taken against mee to prooue mee popish Thirdly be verie carefull that in no sort yee meddle with any matter of Estate for there is
would not faile to put my selfe vnto open shame for euery sinne which thenceforth I should openly commit in word or deede Yea I said thus much vnto him That open sinne which I shall wittingly let passe without open confession do thou neuer forgiue I doe humbly craue aide of euery Christian which shall read or heare this As my disease is very tormenting so my state is too too vncomfortable Eccles 4.10 Woe to him that is alone when he falleth for hee hath not another to helpe him vp I must sit and endure my griefe with silence For to whom shall I complaine Or what shall I ease my selfe by complaining The prouerbe is not more olde then true Euery man is for himselfe and God for all If the latter part held not very true I were woe begone for the first is too true But what aide doe I craue of the Reader or hearer I beseech you that euen for the loue of Christ and Christianitie you will very earnestly intreat our Lord God to bee mercifull vnto me and if it may possibly stand with his holy will to grant mee ease of this irkesome torment Amen Amen That Sabbath day at night I hauing somewhat more conscionably kept that Sabbath day then euer before praised God thus O most mercifull Father with all mine heart I humbly thanke thee for this verie little entracne into the way of saluation Good Lord my soule is yet wretchedly tangled in sinne Free me for thy mercies sake and humble mee to the very vttermost that may be thorough Iesus Christ thine only Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Amen Then also I beganne to sing mine euening Psalme which is not in double meeter as that vnto whose tune I haue set it because I neither had leasure nor minde to be so curious ¶ Mine euening Psalme to the tune of All people that on earth doe dwell O God that art most wonderfull the fountaine of all blessednesse I most vnfit to sing to thee yet needes thy mercie must confesse Needes must I for I am most bound therefore O Lord I thee intreat For to prepare mine heart and tongue thy mercies duely to repeat So soone as I into this world by birth was borne thou causedst mee To be baptized in thy Name In signe of my deliuery Deliuerie from Sathans thrall and from the house of bondage hell That with thee and with thy Christ in euerlasting blisse might dwell And when I was of age to learne thou didst acquaint me with thy grace Moouing mine heart to turne from sinne and thy saluation to embrace But I most foolishly did loue this world and gaue my selfe to sinne Deferring time from day to day and to repent would not beginne Yet notwithstanding all my sinne and manifold iniquitie Yea such most hainous wickednes as alwaies did for vengeance crie So great thy mercie was to me that thou wouldst not my soule forsake But patiently didst vse all meanes to saue me from the burning lake And now at last with much adoe a little I am turn'd from sinne A little very small it is I doe repentance but beginne Yet Lord my soule doth trust that thou wilt small beginning not despise But grant me grace turning to thee by small degrees for to arise So be it O most gracious God be it euen so for Christ his sake I doe beleeue therefore I speake thy childe I trust thou wilt me make O Father Sonne and holy Ghost thou onely God and Lord of all Thy name be blessed euermore of all thy creatures great and small Amen Amen Amen say I Gods name for euer blessed be O heauen ô earth ô creatures all say ye Amen Amen with me I most heartily desire that euery one that hath not more experience in deuotion then I will take this my counsell Accustome your selfe to pray to sing oftentimes vnto God let your prayer and song be such matters as is fitting for one in your state to speake vnto God whether it be confession of sinnes begging of pardon and cleansement from sinne or thanksgiuing c. And that which you speake vnto the Lord by way of praying or singing let it not onely be word of mouth but lift vp the thought of your heart and thinke euery word directly vnto God as you would do if you did see his glorious maiesty with your bodily eyes Be well assured and stedfastly minded that he lookes full vpon you and marketh all your behauiour yea and aboue all things taketh most heedful insight of your thought and affection for longer then you steadfastly thinke vpon him your words in prayer please him not and vnlesse your desire be very earnest he will not regard your petition Therefore enforce your mind to thinke very intendingly vpō God and labour to haue an hungry and thirstie desire of that which you pray for You see that I haue often set downe the word Amen yea and sometime doubled it My reason is because I would be very earnest and effectually feruent in my desire Our Sauiour sheweth vs how earnest and importunate we should be in praying vnto God I pray you consider his words Luk. 11.5 Which of you hauing a friend and shall go vnto him at midnight and say vnto him Friend lend me three loaues 6. For a friend of mine in his iourney is come vnto me I haue nothing to set before him 7. And he from within shall answer and say Trouble mee not the doore is now shut and my children are with me in in bed I cannot rise and giue thee 8. I say vnto you though he will not rise and giue him because he is his friend yet because of his importunitie hee will rise and giue him so many loaues as he needeth Our Lords meaning is that as many a man in his necessitie will haue no deniall but is so importunatly earnest that the partie to whom he maketh suit hath no other way to be quiet but onely by granting his request so ought we to behaue our selues in prayer to God most vehemently crying vnto him for mercie and euer and anone praying againe and againe as Christ himselfe did in the garden not ceasing vntil he doe as certainly he wil shew himselfe very mercifull vnto vs. If we ought to pray so earnestly and so often wo is my heart for many a poor soule that seldome or neuer prayeth but when he is laid downe in his bed and then saith his Paternoster and Creed between sleeping waking making none other reckoning but this that the very bare saying of those things serues the turne Surely it is Popery that hath brought the world to this senceles state by teaching folke to pray in an vnknowne tongue and to say praiers by set number and tale as folke buy and sell apples and peares When I was a child I now and then lay with some elder body who beeing in bed would beginne to say the Lords prayer by and by slumber then awake and begin againe and presently fall asleepe againe If this be true as I take the Lord God to witnes that very true it is what doth it shew Surely this that the common sort of people runne snuggling all day after their worldly busines and then at night kennell vp themselues like so many bruit beasts little or neuer a whit minding that which they should principally intend their conuersion from sinne and their reasonable vnderstanding seruing of God in all that they thinke say or doe Whosoeuer is in this slumbring state I beseech you that for Gods sake you will awaken your soule and doe as the Lord Iesus willeth you Matth. 6.33 Seeke ye first the kingdome of God and his righteousnesse and then all other necessaries shall bee added vnto you The things of this world are like vnto the vantage which many times is giuen into a bargaine Therfore let your cheife care be to make sure your saluation and then your good heauenly Father will not suffer you to lack any thing that is good for you O I pray you beleeue it and build vpon it for he hath giuen his word and promise Heare him what he saith Heb. 13.5 I will not leaue thee nor forsake thee Accustome your selues as I said before to pray often and earnestly vnto God and by the grace of Iesus Christ you shall finde that he will most graciously and kindly acquaint himselfe with your soule O then you will remember these my words say Now Gods blessing light vpon that same poor minister which gaue me this counsel I would not that I had missed it for all that this whole world is worth yea you will most heartily praise the Lord God that it pleased him by so simple a man as I am to set you into the way of vnutterable blessednesse By no meanes suffer your priuate praiers to be heard of others for then it is a hundred to one that the deuill and the priuie pride of your owne heart will marre all and make your deuotions loathsome in the sight of God If you be an house-keeper and haue a wife or any child or seruant vse to pray together with them daily vnles you meane to make them heathen people such as haue none acquaintance with God This matter is so far out of request that many will laugh them to scorne which pray with their houshold whereby a man of any vnderstanding may consider into what a wretched state the world is come Now Christian soule whosoeuer you are the grace mercy of God be with you for euer Thus much I am exceedingly desirous to haue printed before I die If God vouchsafe to giue any increase of life and grace you may be sure that I will doe what I can to acquaint you with it The will of God be done and blessed bee his Name for euermore Amen FINIS
What was the reason that when a woman said vnto Christ Luk. 11.27 Blessed is the wombe that bare thee and the pappes which thou hast sucked I say what was the reason that our Lord made her this answer 28. Yea rather blessed are they that heare the word of God and keepe it I say againe why did he say so if it be better for people not to heare then to heare Gods word By the way bee it remembred that the Sonne of God saith It is a blessednes to heare Gods word and the Pope who taketh vpon him to be the deputie of the sonne of God he saith it is not a blessednes he forbiddeth it If any vnderstanding conscionable Romane catholike were betweene God and his owne soule to tell what he thinketh to be the maine cause why the Pope doth not allow Gods word to be commonly bought and sold in Italie Spaine c. and so to bee read in churches my conscience giueth me that he would say thus It is very likely that thereby many would bee drawne from his obedience and many things which are nowe in great request among the people should then bee despised As surely as the Lord God liueth I take this to be the main cause A great number of things in that religion could by no means stand if the book of God were commonly to bee had in the peoples owne language Therefore they are not suffered to heare God speake I appeale to the conscience of euery man whether it be likly that those things which are of God shall bee put out of request by the word of God It is not likely it is quite contrary I doe most humblie intreat all English men and women I entreat them in the sight of our Lord Iesus Christ that they will forbeare to beleeue the Romane religion vntill it haue Gods word and church-seruice read and said in peoples owne languages When you come to publike seruice call it masse or what you will are you not of the company that there ought to ioine in praier vnto God why then is not your prayer in your owne tongue why is it in Latine Let any man answer as I aske the question in the feare of God what reason is there that people should pray or ioine with any praying in a language which they vnderstand not Is it not much to be feared that Satan the Prince of darkenes hath a strong hand in this to keep poore people in blindnesse and ignorance I haue vpon my conscience and in charity without any thought of personall reproch vnto any one made bold to say thus much If any in zeale of that religion haue a minde to say so much yea tenne times so much to mee let him speake in the feare of God and in charitie and spare not Or if he list to flie vpon me with words of choller I will ioyne with him to say much more against my selfe then he can and yet leaue him to iudge himselfe without me When I am minded to reade any part of Gods booke I must kneele downe before the face of God and pray thus O most gracious and merciful Lord God thou hast of thy great goodnesse vouchsafed to giue vnto me thine holy Bible which is able to make me wise vnto saluation I do humbly thanke thee for it and heartily I beseech thy blessed Maiestie to giue me the grace that I may feruently reade it rightly vnderstand it and diligenty marke it thorough Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Besides the meanes and helpes to vnderstand the Scriptures as the proportion of Religion contained in the creed and commandements the circumstances of each seueral place and the comparing of one place with other places reading of expositions and hearing other mens iudgements our Sauiour giueth a very notable direction for the attainement of speciall aide from the spirit of God and it is a ready way for a man to come to the knowledge of the truth touching any necessarie point in controuersie And this it is To the Iewes doubting whether Christs doctrin were of God yea or no hee said If any man will doe the will of God he shall knowe of the doctrine whether it bee of God or whether I speake of my selfe Ioh. 7.17 The conscionable practise of those duties which are very plainely set downe in Gods word will in and through Iesus Christ be a meanes to procure vnto vs a gracious and comfortable inlightning of our minds to vnderstand the minde and meaning of God in his word daily more more for the secret of the Lord is with them that feare him and he will shew them his couenant Psal 25.14 If I come to a place of Scripture hard to bee vnderstood I will marke it and so stay my selfe in hope of grace from God at his good pleasure Reading any part of Scripture very leasurely and heedfully I must endeauour to take speciall knowledge of some principall notable points and then commend them vnto the blessing of God thus O most mightie and mercifull Lord God I do most humbly and heartily thanke thee for that thou hast made me in reading this part of thy Bible to vnderstand and mark this this c. I beseech thee that if I haue mistakē any thing I may haue grace to see mine error and to leaue it I beseech thee that those things which I haue rightly vnderstood I may well remember and as neede shall require profitably vse to thy good pleasure and glory in benefiting my selfe and others through Iesus Christ thy onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour To whome with thee O Father and with the holy Ghost three persons and one onely good Lord God be all praise honour and glorie for euermore Amen Thus much of Gods word And God spake all these words saying Hee that made one commaundement made all the rest therefore I must not presume to breake any one of them but if I will not bee confounded I must vprightly intend and carefully endeauour to bee obedient vnto all the commandements of God Psal 119.6 Exod. 20.2 I am the Lord c. This word Lord in the Iewes language is called Iehouah and signifieth such a one as is of himselfe and giueth beeing vnto all things else specially vnto his own promises which hee most faithfully and powerfully performeth in due time This wonderfull Lord is thoroughly knowne of none but himselfe yet vnder his gracious correction I do thus conceiue of him The Lord Iehouah is a spirit single durable vnmeasurable mightie wise holy blessed and glorious God is a spirit Ioh. 4.24 A spirit hath not flesh and bones Luk. 24.39 Then how is man saide to hee like vnto God In the nature and properties of the soule Why doth the Bible sometimes speake of God as if he had eies eares hands c. It speaketh according to our capacitie because God would haue vs to be plainely and fully perswaded that he hath sight hearing knowledge power
Fathers will knowne vnto men and is that partie concerning whom the Father gaue his word that he would send him into the world to saue sinners The third person in the godhead is the holy Ghost who proceedeth from the Father and from the Sonne and therefore is the Spirit of them both and he is in either of them both also both the Father and the Sonne are in him Hee is called the Spirit not so much to signifie his nature as to shew his proceeding because he is spired that is as it were breathed from the Father and from the Sonne He is called holy not onely because of the holines of his nature which is all one with the Father and with the Sonne but because he doth sanctifie that is maketh holy all those which shall be saued Rom. 1.4 All and euery outward worke of God commeth from the Father thorough the Sonne and by the holy Ghost The Father beginneth euery worke of himselfe working in and through the Sonne also in and by the holy Ghost Therefore the making and beginning of heauen and earth is intitled vnto him The Sonne worketh in and from the Father in and by the holy Ghost Therefore the redemption and Sauiour-ship goeth in his name because he tooke vnto him a bodie and a soule and so being both God man purchased our saluation and saueth vs in and from his Father in and by the holy Ghost Ioh. 4.19 The Son can doe nothing of himselfe Mat. 12.28 But if I cast out deuills by the spirit of God c. The holy Ghost worketh in and from the Father in and from the Sonne and so by himselfe finisheth euery worke of God specially the sanctifying and cleansing of them which shall bee saued and therefore he is called the sanctifier or the cleanser Thus much of the three persons in one God Now whereas the Lord saith I am thy God the meaning is I saue thee from all euill and bring thee to euerlasting blisse Gen. 15.1 But what proofe haue I that the Lord is my God He further saith Which haue brought thee out of the land of Egypt out of the house of bondage These words were indeed first spoken written vnto the children of Israel whome God deliuered out of the slauish bondage and great miserie which they had long endured vnder King Pharaoh in Egypt Now I ought to take the same words as spoken of God vnto me for as God made the Isralites to passe through the red sea and therein drowned the Egyptians so he caused me to be baptized and sprinkled with water in his name euen in the name of the Father and of the Son of the holy Ghost so by an holy sacramentall signification made me passe through the red sea of Christs blood wherein all the enemies of my saluation are as if they were drowned so disabled that vnlesse I foolishly yeelde vnto them they cannot preuaile against me Rom. 6.3 Neither did God onely giue vnto me that outward signe and seale of saluation but also when I was able to vnderstand caused mee to heare yea and to read yea and in some good measure to perceiue the gospel of his grace wherein hee proffered vnto me his gracious loue and therewithall such a portion of his heauēly blessings in Iesus Christ as should make me to be louely and pleasing in his sight But vpon what condition did God proffer this grace vnto me Vpon this condition Exod. 20.3 Thou shalt haue none other God before my face These words being considered together with the verse next before doe containe a double condition First that I shall take the Lord to be my God Secondly that I shall haue none other to be my God beside him How should I take the Lord to bee my God By performing these foure duties First to be continually mindefull that I am before his face Gen. 17.1 Secondly to esteem his fauour to be my only felicity and therefore aboue all things to loue him and desire to enioy his fauourable kindnesse Luk. 14.26 Thirdly to be alwaies verie fearefull of displeasing him Prou. 28.14 Fourthly to settle all my trust and confidence in him Ier. 17.5.6.7 How haue I performed these duties First I haue not been mindfull of Gods presence for both being alone and in companie my minde hath been so far from that dutie as if there had been in my beleefe no God at all Secondly I haue all my life long more esteemed loued and desired worldly pleasures and profits yea vain toies and trifles then the fauour of God I haue a farre off thought vpon God as of a thing at the furthermost ende of all the world and therefore mine affection was alwaies wedded vnto things which seemed to be nearer vnto me though indeed nothing can bee so neere vnto me as he is for in him I liue and mooue and haue my beeing Thirdly I had now and then some small feare of God but it suddenly vanished away and therefore I plunged my selfe into a sea of sinne not making conscience of one thought word or deed among a thousand Fourthly I had no right trust in God for that can not bee without the feare of God I oftentimes vsed vnwarrantable meanes to helpe my selfe And so doe none that rightly trust in God This hath been the inside of my life not only before but also euer since I entred into the Ministerie And withall mine heart I wish that I had no fellowes for I am afraid that I haue very many If such there be I humbly intreate them to take true knowledge in how dangerous a state they are I trust that God hath pardoned my parents and bringers vp The ground of all my miserie next after the euill inclination which I brought with mee into this world was the euill seasoning of mine heart in my tender yeares Beeing a little boy I was trained to delight in a dogge a cat therfore I remember the dogges name yet and haue loued dogges and cattes euer since Those and other vaine things I was enured to loue when mine heart should haue been taken vp and filled with the loue of God I was feared with bugg-beares and sprits when I should haue been framed to feare God Also I was accustomed to take a pride in this and that to be angrie and reuengefull against some one thing or other to mocke scorn misse-call and speake naughtie words vnto such or such an one Thus commonly for ought that I know are the hearts of children seasoned and thus their soules are died in the blacke colour of hell Beeing inwardly thus behaued I was a little taught outward religion That is to say the Lords Prayer and the Creede by rote to goe to Church vpon Sabbath dayes and heare seruice yea after that I could read to answer the Minister in the saying of Psalmes c. Hauing done thus what heard seruice yea helped to say seruice said the Lords Prayer and the Creede and so forth Oh! I thought I
no wisedome nor safetie in so doing Fourthly though in purposing to speake this or that your mind be very vpright yet make carefull choise of words and phrase for that which beeing vttered one way can not be ill taken may in an other sute of words seeme very harsh and be likely to do more harme then good O for a mortified minister Hee will not speake thus and thus because hee will but so and so because hee is willed This if I mistake not may bee called the meekenesse of wisedome which whatsoeuer any man can say to the contrarie doth most befit a minister of the Gospel specially in these latter daies wherein naturall corruption taketh vpon it to bee zealous and precise for Gods glory You neede not aske mee whether in that my great danger I vowed vnto God a strict reformation of life I did indeed But when my danger was ouer I performed not my vow Now I must fetch a compasse backe againe to speake of my diseases and of some troubles withall My bodie hath beene windie and rheumatike from my childhood by a naturall distemper as I take it of my liuer the hotenesse whereof hath caused much euill vnto mee In the winter sixe hundred and sixe I then beeing Curate of Southfleet in Kent after an extreame cough did sensibly perceiue blindnesse entred into mine eies for diuerse moates seemed to flie before mee which way soeuer I turned my sight yea and specially before my right eye a thing in fashion of a kind of chaine sometime folded or turned diuerse waies and sometime at length What infirmitie in the eie causeth this appearance let learned Physitians iudge Thus it hath all this while been with mee increasing more and more so that now I haue much adoe to write or to read and am forced to hold my eyes and the booke very neere together The next winter after in the great frost I was taken with a windie disease in the lower part of my breast which so grieuously vexed mee that I looked for nothing but death In the very extremitie of this painfulnesse Doctor Barlow then Bishop of Rochester who not long before by the death of Mr. Winter came to haue the Parsonage of Southfleet where I was Curat beeing by some thorough mine owne vndiscretion incensed against mee tooke an occasion to put mee out of the Curatship About that time I did set forth a little booke called The burthen of a loaden conscience Which hath occasioned many heauie burthens to be laid vpon mee by those whose holinesse is knowne vnto God and not vnto mee a many precise folke that know not other mens hearts howsoeuer they know their owne Mine old kind Schoole-fellow Mr. William Eyre fellow in Emanuel Colledge who twise before had beene my refuge vnder God vnderstanding that I was without place did by meanes of Mr. Iohn Cotton fellow in the same college help mee to the Curateship of S. Alkmunds in Derby of Derbyshier There I was a yeare and a quarter very louingly vsed My stipend was fully so much as euer before Also M. Robert Bate of little Chester gaue mee my dyet and lodging all that time his wife a vertuous woman now in heauen hauing a verie tender care of me because of my sickenes Vnwisely I left that place and put my selfe into a world of trouble by taking the Curateship of Alhallowes in the same towne In this great and burdenous charge I haue now beene almost fiue yeares During this time my windie disease together with a faintnesse grew so vpon me that I fell into diuerse deadly fits of the cholike not onely in cold weather but in the heate of summer Now I come to tell you of intolerable torments Grauell hath bred in me from my youth and oftentimes I was pained with it whereupon I vsed to take a great deale of small drinke and so auoided it I remember that my worshipfull friend M. Richard Sedly of Southfleete said once vnto me What will you do when your stomacke cannot receiue so much drinke Ah gentle M. Sedly the time is now come and now I can doe nothing to help my selfe but call vpon the name of God About the end of Iuly in the yeare sixteen hundred and twelue I was taken with many fits of cholike and stone one fit anon after another Then I cried God mercie and promised zealous amendment of life The fittes left me but I amended not The next sūmer after I had some three or foure seuerall fits Now marke I pray you and beleeue me I beseech you The second of Nouember last 1613. at night I going to bed felt a fit of the cholike and stone comming vpon me Wherefore I beeing in great anguish praied earnestly vnto God that for his mercies sake he would then ease me of that paine with condition that if I did not presently enter into a very reformed course of life the disease should returne vpon mee and kill me It presently was gone and all that night I had quiet rest The morrowe I performed not my promise Towards night I felt a threatning of it again and therefore according to Doct. Bambrigs direction I tooke purging pills to preuent it which kinde of Physicke had formerly eased me The pills wrought yet the morrowe morning a violent fit came vpon me How grieuously I was that day tormented some that in kindnesse came to see me namely M. Thomas Stringer and M. Iohn Haughton do I am sure very well remember My breast quaked as a leafe shakē with the wind You may thinke I had then great cause to feare that the wrath of my Lord was kindled against me I humbly besought him to rebuke the disease yet once more and then vnlesse I forced my selfe to enter in at the strait doore of repentance no more He is a gracious Lord his name bee praised At euen he rebuked the disease and it left me yet all that night I was glad to haue Mr. Duxburie sit with me I was so weakened one while I was vp an other while downe and O my good Lord what I thinke vpon thou knowest my soule most humbly and lamentably appealeth vnto thine infinite mercie After this I purposed as I thought very steadfastly to reforme my selfe according to the word of God yea so farre forth that I wrote vnto Cantrell Legge Printer in Cambridg a note to be set before the fift impression of my former little booke In that note bearing date Nouemb. 27. 1613. I signified that my conscience was vnburthened that I would shortly publish the manner thereof whereas God knoweth I was farre short of beeing vnburthened Nowe yet marke I pray you All my former fits were about the right kidnie In Ianuarie and Februarie I felt a painfull gathering of somewhat about my left kidnie which prickingly continued causing a grieuous torment in the water passage out of my bodie Many times my water came drop-meale with burning paine That long practised religious Physitian Doct. Hunton of Newarke vpon
Trent with whom I had formerly bin for my windie disease and by meanes of M. Iohn Batte Vicar of Newarke now deceased my old schoolemaster had receiued much fauour from him he sent me word that as he could cōiecture by my letter for I was not able to ride vnto him I was in danger of some deadly fretting in my kidnies by reason of grauell stones which was not without difficulty to be preuented in a setled course of Physicke I had little money to bestow and no great minde to take bodily medicine before my soule were cured by the physicke of Iesus Christ crucified The greiuous disease of my water increasing and mine olde splennitiue windinesse filling my bodie and head together with an extreame faintnesse the 19. day of Aprill I did with very fearefull conditions bind my selfe vnto God that I would diligently endeauour to order my selfe according vnto these rules following My first rule First I must be alwaies mindefull that I the worst of all sinners am before the face of god who seeth the whole setled wicked behauiour of mine heart who hath all my euill thoughts words and deedes in perfect remembrance whose holines extreamly hateth all manner of sinne whose righteousnesse will not suffer any sinne to be vnpunished whose prayer is able to torment me euerlastingly with most vnspeakeable paine in body and soule Hereupon I must conceiue that great is the wrath whereunto I haue prouoked God and that therefore great is the vengeance which iustly he may powre vpon me for euer I must labour that this double conceit may worke in my heart a double affection sorrow for the displeasure of God and feare of his vengeance This is the way to breake mine heart and a broken heart is a sacrifice vnto God Psal 51.17 Inward humblenesse cannot but outwardly shew it selfe and so it will bee the more easily setled and the more deepely rooted in mine heart and soule I must verie carefully reforme my vaine minde vnsad countenance and talkatiue tongue els I cannot be rightly humbled in the sight of God My second rule Secondly I must thinke vpon the great mercie mighty power and most ioyfull blisse which God in Iesus Christ proffereth vnto all those that will forsake sinne beleeue the Gospel mercie to forgiue their sinnes power to free them from the inclination of sinne and blisse to fill them full of all delightfull pleasure for euermore Hereupon I must striue to haue a most hungry and thirsty desire of the grace of God My third rule Thirdly I must giue al diligence that by prayer I may obtaine of God the spirit of grace To this purpose I must bee alwaies prayingly and crauingly affected I must impart my goods vnto the poor that I may haue the help of their prayers Luk. 16.9 Also I must entreate all those which seeme to be acquainted with God that they will pray for me vnto him Iam. 5.16 Had I any warrant to intreate the Saints in heauen to pray for me I would gladly doe it But I haue none My beleefe is that no glorified soule no not the blessed virgin-mother intermedleth with any businesse in this world And I am fully perswaded that it is the safer way so to beleeue It seemeth vnto me that Romane catholiks of the Popes religion vnder colour of in treating Saints to pray for them do indeed worship them call vpon them make vowes and offer spirituall sacrifices vnto them as vnto so many he-gods and she-gods I beseech the Lord God to inlighten their minds and rectifie their affections according vnto true holines and pure deuotion Amen Amen I must duely and deuoutly pray vnto God at least three times euery day I haue great need to pray euery houre because of the hardnesse of mine heart and deathfulnesse of my bodie I must oftentimes so farre as my weake bodie will endure pray fasting and so long as I am able humbly kneeling I must in prayer speake vnto God very leasurely and reuerently I must so earnestly mind that I speake vnto him as I were face to face with him When I beginne any set prayer I will worship the Lord my God most humbly lifting vp my minde towards his glorious maiestie in heauen and bowing downe my body towards the ground so rest vpon my knees My prayer early in the morning O Almightie most blessed and glorious Lord God I a most wicked sinneful sinner heartily acknowledging that thou in most wonderfull goodnesse hast made mee a liuing soule in thine own likenes hast proffered eueralasting saluation vnto me hast long time endured my rebellious wickednesse and hitherto preserued me aliue doe humbly beseech thee to giue grace that I may henceforth vntill the end and in the ending of my life very zealously glorifie thy name in the practise of true repentance Graunt the same grace I heartily pray thee vnto euery man woman and child that wanteth it that all people in all places may ioyfully praise thee thorough thine onely Sonne Iesus Christ To whom with thee ô Father and with the holy Ghost three persons one only Lord God be all praise honour glorie worship and humble seruice now and for euermore Amen About nine of the clocke in the forenoone I must pray thus Oh Almighty Lord God who louest holines and hatest sin and therefore hast prepared euerlasting blisse in heauē for thy holy seruants endles torment in hel for sinners I the worst of all sinners doe humbly beseech thee that for thy onely sonne Iesus Christs sake thou wilt giue me thy grace of true repentance saith vnfained that so I may obtaine of thee forgiuenesse of all my sinnes and the lowest place among all them which shall be saued Amen O Lord innumerable sinnes haue come out of mine heart I have filled the world with the cursed fruits of my wickednesse I beseech thee to put al my sinnes quite away out of thy sight and out of the minds of all people that thou mayest be no longer displeased nor any man woman or child any more harmed by meanes of me O Lord I haue caused much euill vnto many folke and the good which I should haue caused I haue wickedly neglected I beseech thee to giue vnto euery one which hath been any way harmed or neglected of mee a large recompence and so farre as may be to work the same recompence vnto them by mee the residue by those meanes which thou knowest to be fittest for that purpose O Lord many people haue beene beneficiall vnto mee because thy will was that they should be so I humbly thanke thee for it beseeching thy gracious goodnesse to giue a bountifull reward vnto euerie one that hath benefited mee in deede word or desire and to make mee so thankefull vnto them as a right Christian ought to be O Lord if any haue either in way of friendship towards mee or in manner of enmitie against mee or by any meanes touching me displeased thee I beseech thee to pardon them
and also to giue such a measure of thy grace into mine vncharitable heatt that I may most freely forgiue euery one that either hath been or shall be a trespasser against me O Lord I haue displeased and discontented many folke I beseech thee to pacifie and quiet them O giue grace that I may humbly seek for and they may gently yeeld vnto a Christian reconcilement O Lord I am of a froward disposition apt to displease and disquiet euery one I beseech thee to breake me from this vnkind vnpeaceable condition O keepe me from giuing cause of displeasure vnto any and keep others from taking displeasure against me that so farre as is possible with a good conscience I may liue and die in peace with all thy creatures O Lord thou mightest iustly set all thy creatures to sight against mee because I am most rebelliously disobedient against thee But contrariwise thou dost most mercifully giue vnto me the comfortable vse of many things and the fauourable amitie of many people O gracious Lord I humbly thanke thee beseeching thine Almightie goodnesse so to sanctifie thy blessings vnto me that I may blessedly employ them to the glory of thy grace the good of all people and the hurt of nothing but onely of sinne O Lord I owe a speciall dutie vnto my kinred and acquaintance I beseech thee to be gracious vnto them and specially vnto those with whom I stand charged as the minister of their saluation O giue vnto euerie one of them I most humbly pray thee all those blessings which a good minister of thy Gospel should be a meanes to procure vnto them Amen Amen O Lord Christened people who of thy Sonne Christs name are named Christians be verie wretchedly entangled with differences of beleefe and wickednesses of life I beseech thee to send forth such a power of thy Sonnes grace as shall ioyne them all together in the right Christian faith and make them to abound in the fruits thereof to thy glorie and their mutuall benefiting one another Specially O Lord as dutie bindeth mee I pray for those two Ilands Brittain and Ireland beseeching thee to powre thy graces continually vpon thine anointed seruant King Iames and vpon his Queene and Children and subiects that hee and all his may be euery way pleasing vnto thee and euermore blessed of thee Amen Amen O Lord many nations and people are vnchristians they beleeue not in thy Sonne Christ and therefore they are in the way of damnation I beseech thee to be mercifull vnto them all and specially vnto the Iewes and Israelites the naturall children of thine old faithfull seruants Abraham Isaac and Iacob So soone as it possibly may bee with thine owne good pleasure I humbly pray thee to conuert them vnto the true Christian faith that they may be saued and therein thy Sonne Christ glorified Amen Amen O Lord some people are diseased in bodie some are troubled in minde and some are cumbred with outward aduersitie I beseech thee to giue them the grace that they may forsake all manner of sinne and wholly submit themselues vnto thee O then they shall be most tenderly cherished in all their necessities verie timely remooued out of all their miserie into perpetuall blessednes Amen Amen For these and for all other mercies which I or any child of my father Adam doe or shall need my desire is O Lord I beseech thee giue mee grace to pray acceptably vnto thy glorious maiestie in thine onely Sonne Iesus Christs name as hee hath taught mee saying O our Father which art in heauen hallowed be thy name c. Glorie and honour and praise and thankes with all diuine worship and humble seruice be giuen vnto thee O God the Father the Sonne and the holy Ghost And vnto the poore children of the man Adam be vouchsafed from thee thorough the man Iesus deliuerance from sinne and miserie henceforth for euermore Amen Amen That I might sing vnto my good Lord in some tuneablenesse I bought the whole booke of Psalmes with tunes in foure parts And I bestowed now and then a little time to learne the notes of the tenor part My skill is verie small but yet I would not forgoe it for a great gaine because it helpeth my dull deuotion This vnder correction I say of musicke Vpon an holy affection it hath an heauenly working but contrariwise contrarily ¶ My forenoone Psalme to the tune of Attend my people and giue eare O Vt of the deepes of miserie O blessed Lord I cry to thee Vouchsafe for thy Sonne Christ his sake to hearken graciously to me To me the worst of all the folke which here vpon thine earth doe dwell A wretch most fit to be cut off and cast downe headlong into hell For mercie Lord to thee I crie for mercie and for sauing grace To pardon all my wickednesse and my corruptions to deface Good Lord giue me repentance that I may indeed vnfainedly Enforce my selfe for euermore my sinnes to kill and crucifie Lord guide and leade me all this day in euery thought and word and deed To doe thy will and blesse thou me that I may alwaies haue good speed And when thou shalt most mightily haue freed me from sinnefull thrall To praise thy blessed Name with me I will entreat thy people all Both now and henceforth I will praise thy Name O God right thankefully Because thou wilt not suffer me in gracelesse state to liue and die O Father Sonne and holy Ghost one onely God in persons three All glorie honour praise and thankes be yeelded euermore to thee Amen My noone prayer O most holy most good and gracious Lord God I the most vncleane and most defiled wretch of all the world doe humbly beseech thy most blessed and glorious maiestie that euen for that right deare loue which is betweene thee and thine onely begotten Sonn the Lord Iesus Christ God and man crucified thou wilt vouchsafe to make knowne thy wonderfull grace in cleansing me from the most abhominable defilement of my sinnes To this ende I humbly pray thee to make me alwaies very mindefull of thy presence fearefull of thy displeasure and desirous of thy fauour O most mercifull Lord grant mee this mercy this exceeding great mercie and then doe vnto mee euery way that which shall bee most to thine own good pleasure and to thy owne glory Yea blessed Lord God vnto thee bee all good pleasure praise honour worshippe and glory in Iesus Christ now and for euermore Amen Amen ¶ My noone Psalme to a tune which in Cambridge was called Mr. Perkins tune O Holy holy holy Lord the purest of all things the blessefull glorious Maiesty frō whence all goodnes springs Looke downe from thy most holy place behold good Lord and see A sinfull wofull wretched man most loathsome vnto thee Most foule and filthie is my sinne Ah! fie vpon me fie O Father of all holinesse to thee for grace I crie For grace to wash and make me cleane from
be very gracious vnto mee Oh! mine heart is so deuillishly bent to sinne that no vowes no oathes nothing can turne it O Lord what shall I doe I am as a man that hath most deadly wounded himselfe and dying would not die But woe is mee There is no remedie He that is wounded to death must die yea but thou vouchsafest to raise vp some by the grace of thy Sonne True Lord true it is But few of that companie be such as haue bin dissembling hypocrites And of all counterfeits the most vncurable is a counterfeit-preacher of thy righteousnes My soule can hardly thinke how such a one should haue the grace of repentance Of all such if any such there be beside me I am the worst O good Lord be mercifull vnto me the worst of all sinners Amen Friday the twentieth of May I prayed thus O good Lord though the hardnes of mine heart be exceedingly great yet ought I not to despaire for thy Sonne likeneth the kingdome of thy grace vnto a graine of musterd seede and vnto a little leauen O my soule hast thou not a little faith Looke vp vnto heauen and craue of thy maker that the fulnes of grace which is in Iesus Christ may haue some little influence and entrance into thee by the holy Ghost O my good Lord my soule is full of vnbeleefe I beseech thee to be mercifull vnto mine vnbeleeuing soule Amen About noone the same day hauing dined with two strangers for I lodge and table in a vitteling-house comming into my chamber I confessed and prayed thus O Lord what am I that I should vndertake to walke vprightly before thy face I cannot for the company and presence of any one draweth my minde downe from thee O why doest thou suffer the poore children of Adam to be thus carried away Is it because thou wilt haue it so fie vpon mee sinne-blinded wretch when a seruant for his naughtines is turned out of his seruice hee should laie the blame of his miserie vpon himselfe and not vngraciously exclaime that his lord had a purpose to put him away before euer hee offended Yea but seely man thinketh that thou who art so renowned and famous for mercie shouldest be mercifull vnto euery one Or if not so because then iustice should not be seene nor the benefit of mercie so well appeare yet the greater number should haue mercie specially seeing that the God-man Iesus hath paid so great a ransome for mercy We do not consider that among many traytors it is much if a King pardon one Sinne is treason against thee yea farre more haynous then the highest treasō can be against Princes because thy Maiestie is infinitely greater then theirs Also thy hate of sinn is aboue our vnderstanding for it is according to the measure of thy holinesse which is vnmeasurable Ah! my father Adam little knew how many thousand thousands of his owne naturall children hee did throwe into euerlasting miserie in breaking thy commandement He was well able to haue obeyed thy will So am not I for from out of him I haue together with my bodie receiued a wicked inclination which now is by long custome in sinning most extreamly hardened O good Lord be mercifull vnto mee Amen That afternoone I kept my selfe within and the morrow also But Saturday at night I by occasion of companie fell into vaine mirth whereunto I am excessiuely giuen There is indeed a good kind of merriment if we could hit vpon it for according to the last and in my weake iudgement the best translation of the Bible He that is of a merry heart hath a continuall feast Prou. 15.15 But in the Iewes language a merry heart is a good heart and therefore there can be no sound safe mirth without the grace of repentance Can a subiect though of high degree bee frolike and iocand before the face of the King so long as his Maiestie is grieuously displeased with him That were a ready way to discouer an vnloyall heart which vnto a prudent Prince is verie abhominable But what if the same subiect bee vpon humble submission receiued into his Soueraignes fauour will he not be very moderate in his mirth so long as hee is in the presence of his Maiestie will it not be ioy sufficient vnto him to be free from giuing his Leige Lord any cause of distast to minister vnto him all possible good contentment yea else he is not fit to bee in the presence of Maiestie for hee eclipseth the royall glory which cannot but cause some euill effect one way or another So it is betweene the Lord of glorie and those which serue in his presence that is to say all Christians The 22. of May beeing Sabbath I was sore plagued with the strangurie yet going to Church and after diuine seruice comming into the pulpit I felt my selfe to be something coole and able to speake So might I haue continued but that I did as I would wish no man to do strain my selfe with a kind of furiousnesse the common behauiour of such as are tumultuously confusedly and rawly prepared The best way for a Preachers selfe and the most likely to preuaile in perswading his hearers is if I bee not much deceiued graue milde and treatable speech If a man perceiue it in himselfe it is a very grieuous sight to see corrupted nature play the part of grace and with a smoakie flourish make as though it would kill the deuill beeing indeed his base slaue so willing to obey as he to commaund What a glorie is this to Sathan what a dishonour to God After I was come home I praysed God thus O most excellently gracious Lord what shall I sinner doe I am neither worthy nor able to praise thee yet exceedingly bound to do it O Lord what mooueth thee to be so good vnto the worst of all sinners Onely thine owne goodnesse for in mee there is nothing but causes of prouocation Yea a thousand and a thousand thousand causes which crie vnto thee for vengeance and continually vrge thy iustice to powre a whole sea of wrath vpon me And yet thou art gracious vnto mee Had I the holiest soule and the strongest bodie of all that liue vpon the face of the earth yea though I could liue an hundred holy liues die as many right Martyrdomes in zeale of thee and of thy truth I should not come neare vnto the making of a sufficient recompence for the goodnesse patience and forbearance which thou hast graciously shewed vnto mee And yet loe most vile wretch that I am I still liue in sinne and so continue displeasing and dishonouring thee O my good Lord giue me grace to be once broken from this deuillish wickednesse though it be with condition that I shal be the most refuse man of all the world Lay vpon me whatsoeuer thou wilt onely disburden my conscience of sinne and ease my body of this vnsupportable paine of the strangury Amen At euening prayer I read and preached
againe Afterward beeing very much wearied I had a minde to goe and refresh my selfe in company the bane of Sabbath day keeping and went first to one house then to another ending the day very heathenishly Monday after supper my minde pretended reason to draw me abroad therefore out I went To ease my strangurie I dranke at one house much beere at an other whaie in stead of beere Thursday a great heate with a deadly faintnesse came vpon me my left kidney was sore pained and thereupon I was grieuously tormented in the passage of my water The 29. of May beeing Sabbath I took a course â—ore easie for my selfe and as I verily beleeue more profitable for the parish In the forenoone I preached a sermon and at euening prayer after the second lesson I asked a youth who was well prouided to answer three or fowre questions touching the foundation of Religion Then I made those short answers plaine and prooued them out of the Bible in halfe an houres space I humbly aduise all young Preachers that they will not imagine they can build Ierusalem suddenly for sudden buildings will soone fall downe I maruell how it commeth to passe that in some places euen where learned Preachers haue killed themselues with sore labours the greater number of people are grossely ignorant yea I say it againe and can prooue it very grosly ignorant I trust I am vnder protection and that maketh me the bolder to speak my minde in the feare of God and loue of my Countrey The common sort is much neglected for neither matter of doctrine nor manner of speach is fitted vnto their lowe and small capacitie Most people for some three quarters of an houre if they vnderstand the words and perceiue the matter concerning their saluation to be plainely prooued out of the booke of God which for ought I know is of greater reuerence with them then with many of higher degree and greater vnderstanding I say if they bee plainely and briefly taught out of Gods booke they will giue very diligent eare But if the Preacher confound their vnderstanding or be longer then ordinarie they leaue all and thinke thus When will yonder man haue done he hath no reason to make an ende The next Sabbath the fift of Iune I did follow the same order which I tooke the Sabbath before Thursday following I was drawne to a feast and so into much sinne for no sawce is so common at a feast as sinne Sinne maketh all the company merrie Sathan also hath his factors who beginne some one or other vngodly kind of merriment I am naturally such a one yea worse then the worst of them that are so disposed yet this I say While you liue blesse you froÌ„ those which are speciall ringleaders in matter of vnholy pastime for the deuil himselfe setteth them a worke Friday I dined with certaine strangers and so fell into forgetfulnes of God afterward comming into my chamber I prayed thus O Lord God how is it possible for him which seeth thee not to keep company with thee I beleeue that I am before thy face what aileth me then that I do not professe and shew foorth this my beleefe because there is no company to be had with most people if this beleefe be acted put into practise I my selfe should take it for an vncouth thing if an other in my companie should appeare to present himselfe before thy face Our disposition abhorreth to bee awed our mindes are full of vanitie wee are like vnto foolish schollers that loue not to haue their schoolmaster in their companie yea we are worse then they for when their master is with them though it be sore against their wil yet they acknowledge his presence and if he be a wise man tempering masterly grauitie with fatherly gentlenesse he shall in time winne those rude ones to be glad of his companie and very reuerently to loue him as the parent of their good education So wouldest thou graciously worke vpon vs if we would acknowledge thy presence but this is quite contrarie to the bent of our hearts O good Lord I beseech thee to be mercifull vnto vs. Amen That day in the afternoone I went to Church to bury an olde man named Richard Duke and thence I went into the town where beeing in companie I forgat God and what any man perceiued in my behauiour I knowe not Thence I came home and after some idle communication with some which I found in the house comming into my chamber my spirit was so ashamed to speake vnto God that I went prayerlesse to bedde The morrow beeing Whitsunday-eue I was so grieuously tormented that I dranke besides much beere foure quarts of water Whitsunday one preached in my place both forenoone and afternoone Munday by reason of ouerfull diet taken the day before the winde cholike began in my bowels which held mee all day and all night in sore paine yea though I vsed both purges and clisters it hung vpon me welnigh all the weeke following I must not tell how vnpatiently how abominably I behaued my selfe as I laie tormented with that fit O most holy Lord forgiue mee I beseech thee and of thine exceeding great mercy free me from the wicked bondage of my sinnes Amen Trinitie Sunday I should haue preached a sermon at Kirk-Ireton some eight miles from Derbie where one M. Storer sometime a baker in London hath giuen a sermon to be preached and certaine monie distributed that daie yearely for euer whether because the towne of Derbie is bound to see that worke performed I had beene sent as I remember foure times But my filthie strangurie now so vexed me that I could not ride Wherefore tarying at home I preached twise to mine own charge Were I able I would giue so much vnto the parish of Alhallowes in Derbie for euer as should keepe their owne Minister at home among them for it is a great company of people and hath great neede of continuall carefull guidance in the way of God The sixe and twentieth of Iune beeing Sabbath though in the morning I was sore troubled with the strangury yet God of his mercy inabled me to preach in the forenoone and catechize in the afternoone He that had seene how I studied mondaie and tuesday for matter of prayer and Psalmes vnto God in desire hope of deliuerance out of the bondage of sinne and after all that how quite contrarily I bent my course would verily be perswaded that he had seene not one man but two men in one outward likenesse the one with many teares pitifully crauing mercie at the hands of God and the other turning his backe to God and running away from him Tuesday euening I was at a place in the towne prophanely pleasing my selfe Beeing returned home and sitting downe in my chamber my minde left mee and went backe to the same place againe At last with much adoe I started vp and falling downe vpon my knees before the face of God
prayed thus O my creator thou seest how it is with mee Thy goodnesse is most wonderfull my wickednesse is most vncurable and vnsufferable O make a speedie end of my sin which way soeuer it pleaseth thee blessed for euermore be thy Name Amen The morrow I straggled not abroad but mine affections were very vnruly yea and that which is strange I could not frame my mind to take any deep conceit of the wickednesse of mine heart Thus it is when a mans heart is setled in the loue of any euill he is not able to thinke so of it as it is Friday the first of Iuly I dined with a guest a learned friend of mine who tooke occasion to speake somewhat sharpely against Precisians This I thought he did the rather because some informed him that I was too familiar with such people Therefore to satisfie both that minister all others whom it may concerne I most humbly craue the benefit of modest libertie to speake without offence what my poore soule in the sight of God thinketh touching this diuision It hath bin a meanes of great aduantage both to Poperie prophanenesse yea this wretchednes is caused by it Vpon either side diuerse haue nothing else to commend them but only this that they are of that side yea and the side is glad to make vse of them Is it not a lamentable case that some appeare to haue almost no conscience but against ceremonies others none but for ceremonies The Precisian doth in my conscience not without great cause crie out against ignorant idle and prophane ministers But where is the fault The coast had been well cleared by this time of the daie had not Satan caused church-gouernment to be both by way of sobernes and in the fashion of maddenes verie fiercely assailed But to what end to reforme the Church No to deforme it This is my beleefe concerning Church-gouernment Can any man truely say Such a lord Bishop doth not seeke his own worldly commoditie but the edifying of his Diocesse and the glory of Iesus Christ Doth it euidently appeare that his whole bent is in the diligent discharge of his office to approoue himselfe vnto God and vnto euery conscience of men in the sight of God Then will I conclude vpon my soules perill There is the Apostolicall Church-gouernement of Iesus Christ If any such there be who cannot in some good measure be truely so reported of the calamitie is great the iudgement very fearfull Yet because of personall faults to destroy a diuine ordinance and bring in confusion the calamitie would be greater the iudgement more fearefull Indeede Church-discipline is not reuerenced for want of holy seuerity The punishment of fornication and adulterie c. is little else but large fees A filthie gaine fie vpon it I would intreat leaue to speake once more Touching the ministerie besides what I haue by the way signified already I humbly pray great Schollers and all that seeke after riches and advancement in the Church to ponder these my words The Gospel of the Sonne of God must and will first throwe downe Pride and Couetousnes before it worke an vniuersall good in this kingdome Those two great sins cannot be vpheld any way but only by Popery for they must be accompanied with a superstitious conceit that pomp is religion which when all haue said what they can say the Gospel wil not endure So I haue done The same friday after that I had dined it came into my mind to goe into the towne as formerly I had done But I felt in mine heart no desire to goe Therefore comming into my chamber I beganne to wonder at my selfe what should aile me fearing least some secret deadlinesse had seazed vpon mine heart At last I brake out into these words Whatsoeuer is the cause blessed be the name of God O good Lord let whatsoeuer come vpon me so that my spirit may be setled in this disposition And I shall be bound to praise thee most ioyfully for euermore Amen That day I kept my selfe within and the morrow and the Sabbath day hauing gotten one to supply my place All the next weeke I continued so and the Sabbath following my place beeing supplied by one preacher in the forenoone and an other in the afternoone Wednesday the thirteenth of Iuly I still keeping within prayed thus O most holy and dreadfull Lord God with what face can so hainous a sinner as I am dare to speake vnto thy most glorious Maiestie or be so bold to aske any thing of thee Thy most wonderfull goodnesse emboldeneth me And yet still me thinkes I am past grace because sinne doth so abound in me O Lord my sinnes are as the sand of the sea vnnumberable therefore my soule must needs be thorougly and thoroughly stained for euery sinne so often as it is yeelded vnto worketh a black blemish into my soule Woe is me my soule is wholly ouerrun with a most foule filthy leprosie This is all my comfort that thy seruant saith Rom. 5.20 Where sinne abounded grace did much more abound The more deadly the disease the more soueraign the medicine the more excellēt the Physitian that cureth it O God thou art able to doe whatsoeuer powerfull work thou wilt yea thou canst do infinitly more then thou wilt But here is the greatest wonder that thou shouldest vouchsafe to worke a most admirable cure vpon him vnto whom thou mayest most iustly say Away from me thou most damnable sinner Away out of my light I will not pardon thee because thou hast most grieuously displeased and vnpardonably dishonoured me in breaking the lawes of my kingdome in refusing my proffered grace in taking vpon thee to be a preacher of my righteousnes and denying the power therof Yet blessed Lord so long as the Iudge doth not giue order that the condemned prisoner bee taken from the barre the poor wretch cries for his precious life saying Mercie good my Lord Iudge mercie for Iesus Christs sake The name Iesus with an earthly Christian Iudge cannot but be of great force must needs mooue him very much for it is the name of his deare Sauiour the onely name whereby he trusteth to be saued But of all and aboue all the name Iesus is most precious in thy sight beeing not superstitiously parrated but mournfully presented vnto thee Therefore though a thousand thousand seuerall inditements be found against me and though the lawes of thy kingdome do condemne me yet seeing that it is thy good pleasure to suffer me to stand in thy presence and not to bee taken out of this world I crie vnto thee saying Mercie Lord God almighty mercie for thine onely begotten Sonnes sake Iesus Christ God man crucified for the loue of him blessed Lord be mercifull vnto me the worst of all sinners Amen Amen Towards euening I being punished with the hotte passage of my water painfulnesse about the left kidnie and burning of the right foote was much afraid of a deadly
way sufficient for thee Most holy Lord this I verily beleeue therfore in the name of Iesus Christ hencefoorth I will wholly endeauour to please thee Amen The last day of Iulie beeing Sabbath though I was sore tormented I had no remedy but needs must preach my selfe for neither was I prouided of any supply and a Churchwarden came to tell me the parish tooke it in displeasure that I my selfe performed not my dutie That day I preached twise to the great hurt of my body which appeared by many little shreads of skinne which came from me in my water Monday the first of August such a drousie windie weakenes hung vpon me specially in my breast and head that many times I was ready to fall and had much adoe to stand a painfull sleepines was stil comming vpon mee whether I did read or write Monday night I beeing in bed and fallen into a slumber I was so strangely taken as neuer before Some thing seemed to be vpon my backe so to presse me downe that my face was held hard to the pillowe and much winde brake out at the right eare Being very troublously waked I called vpon my good Lord for mercy I perceiued a shiuering windines offering to arise out of my thighes I tooke this by ouerforcing my selfe in preaching vpon the Sabbath day if I be not much deceiued It pleased God that afterward I had some quiet rest but towards morning the cruel strangury came vpon me Alas that there is no remedy for such a filthy tormenting disease a Physitian writing vnto me among other words said thus Know that your disease is incurable The seauenth of August being Sabbath my disease still tormenting me I prayed and vowed thus O most holy and righteous good and gracious Lord God I the most foule and filthy sinner of all the world do here make a complaint of my selfe vnto thy glorious and blessed maiesty that I am not fit to liue in thy sight much lesse to serue thee in the gospel of thy Sonne because I do not walk with thee nor keep my selfe in thy companie as thy seruants doe O be mercifull vnto me I beseech thee I haue heretofore made many vowes that I would enforce my selfe to waite vpon thee But woe is me I haue not kept them now I most humbly pray thee that all my former vowes may be shut vp in this which I am minded to make vnto thee And this it is This day two seuerall preachers will supply my place I beseech thee to blesse them with holy matter hallowed affections powerfull vtterance good successe If I do not from this day forward very conscionably endeauour to hold my selfe to the practise of my foure Rules I wil the next Sabbath day quite put my selfe out of the ministerie yea and openly professe vnto the world that therefore I doe it because my conscience doth certainly iudge mee not to bee fit to preach the Gospell Good Lord this is my vowe If I either reforme my selfe from this day forward or for default thereof leaue the ministerie I breake not my vow If I do neither the one nor the other let me be euerlastingly â—â—rsaken of Iesus Christ If I conscionably reform my selfe by thy grace and so continue with thy fauour in the ministerie O that thou wilt be mercifull vnto me touching this horrible disease Then shall I holily and wholly betake my selfe to serue thee as mine hearts desire is to doe If I reforme not my selfe and therefore as my vow requireth leaue the ministerie I aske no more but the destruction of my sin to thy good pleasure and glorie Now blessed Lord I offer vp this vowe vnto thee for an euerlasting deed and thereunto vnchangeably say Amen Be it neuer changed but euer in force betweene thy blessed Maiestie and me Amen That day some came vnto me and what with one matter what with an other caused me to talke at randome as though I had not been in the companie of God When they were gone I cryed God mercy promised to be more mindefull of his presence and fearefull of his displeasure At night some came to me againe and talking of many things mooued me to passe my bounds but not so much as before yet all this while I was not entred into my vowed practise This I did fully perswade my selfe that if I could in companie be mindfull of God and shunne the displeasing of his maiestie I were in a verie faire forwardnes of reformation Mondaie the eight of August I held my selfe vnto my prayers and businesse carefully thinking how I should avoid the great danger of companie and talking I prayed vnto the Lord thus O good Lord thou seest that my disposition is hardened in sinne and most vntoward vnto thy seruice Thou seest also how apt other folke are to further mine vntowardnesse to hinder my repentance I beseech thee that for thine only Sonnes sake thou wilt powerfully breake me from mine vntowardnes prepare me in thy feare to shunne the manifold wickednesse which is one way or another caused by companying and talking Blessed Lord true it is as I take harme by others so they take harm by me for thy mercies sake be mercifull vnto vs and keepe vs from causing any harme one to another Amen Aman. Betweene tenne and eleuen of the clock there came some vnto me about a matter of vnkindnes between certain parties which had not then been called into question if I had concealed a report which in writing was giuen vnto me and which I was verie confidently willed to shewe vnto whome I would It is likely that many an one would haue thought himselfe well warranted to shew it specially if it had concerned him so neerely as it did me I shewed it not but onely told a certaine part of it which caused the comming of those men vnto me After that we had talked of the businesse and they were gone I confessed and prayed thus vnto God O most gracious Lord I did euill in receiuing that paper and worse in speaking of any thing written in it I beseech thee to pardon me and to giue grace that I may neuer hereafter speake any thing of that matter but onely my bounden thanks praise vnto thee through Iesus Christ thy Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen In the afternoone vpon occasion I praied thus O most gracious Lord thou seest that by thy goodnesse I goe not out to seeke company I perceiue it is great folly so to doe If any come vnto me and enter into friuolous talke I cannot tell what I should doe Thy spirit saith that in the multitude of words there wanteth not sinne Pro. 10.19 And what great losse of precious time commeth vnto men by vaine idle communication I know by experieÌ„ce to my great griefe Most mercifull Lord thou hauing brought me thus farre and broken me from seeking companie from ioyning in emptie words vouchsafe to magnifie thy mercy in making me to preuaile against this impediment
and all others that I may euerlastingly praise thy name therefore through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Tuesdaie morning the strangury pained me verie grieuously and my feete were in such an extreame heate that I was forced to stand barefooted In this burning torment I prayed O most mightie and most mercifull Lord God my Maker and Sauiour of thy most tender compassion most excellent mercie vouchsafe I beseech thee to ease me of this filthy tormenting disease lay vpon me in stead thereof what crosse what iudgement thou wilt Me thinks thou saiest Thou foolish man put away thy folly drawe neere vnto me and I will draw neere vnto thee O good Lord blessed be thy name In the name of Iesus Christ I will drawe neere vnto thee I will henceforth be alwaies verie mindefull that I am before thy face nothing in the world no not any companie shall put me out of that thought Beeing in companie so often as I perceiue my minde to turne it selfe from waiting vpon thee I will presently breake out into these words Fie vpon me what a forgetfull foole am I Good Lord forgiue me and correct mee Then if any aske the reason why I spake those words I will very plainly tell it Most gracious Lord giue me grace thus to doe and blesse me in so doing through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen The staires to my chamber are the comming vp vnto three other chambers So oft as I heard the noise of any bodies feet comming vp the staires I was very fearefull that some or other were comming vnto me and as glad if I heard them goe by the doore to any of the other chambers How men may iudge of this I know not but my conscience doth assuredly certifie mee how the Lord God iudgeth of it That forenoon some company came to me staied long wherefore though I in some sort looked to my soule yet could I not auoide bodily hurt for I hauing to ease my paine taken much drinke before the companie came being forced painfully to hold my water when they were gone there came such things from out of my body as if many skinnes within were pilled off Wherefore I fully perswaded my selfe that I was possessed with a windie fretting inflammation which of necessitie must very shortly kill me and that as I thought most likely by the perishing of my bladder In the afternoone I praied thus Most blessed Lord very true it is that the doore of heauen is in comparison much lesse then the eie of a needle An entrance there is but most hardly to be gotten The beginning of an vnfained godly life is the hardest worke in all the world Then what meaneth Christ in saying that his yoake is easie and his burden light His meaning is that true repentance and right faith do ease and lighten a loaden conscience There is no remedy but sinne must needes be put off else there is no saluation no heauen to be had Woe is me How can a black-moore put off his blacknesse It is vnpossible Yea but thy Sonne hath told vs that all things are possible with thee True it is O Lord I beleeue it But the question is what thou wilt doe Therefore with the poor leper I say vnto thee O Lord if thou wilt thou canst make me cleane The Spirit answereth me saying To day if thou wilt heare his voice harden not thy heart I must striue to vnharden mine heart in obeying thy word which word thou hast graciously made knowne vnto mee to the end that I should obey it in putting off my sinne But if knowing thy will I continue disobedient to thee O what a most dreadfull measure of euerlasting vengeance shall speedily fall vpon me O Lord none can vnharden mine heart but onely thou Then how can I vnbarden it If thou euer vnharden it thou wilt make mee to vnharden it for thou workest the will and the deede in them that shall bee saued They must will and doe that which is pleasing vnto thee The power to will and doe it they must haue from thee Therefore thy seruant Paul aduiseth vs to work out our saluation with feare and trembling that is awfully and carefully to vse the meanes which thou hast appointed that so thy grace may work in vs obedience vnto thy will which is the only way of saluation Good Lord in thy Sonnes name I will striue to vse the meanes which thou hast appointed for the breaking of mine hard heart Blessed bee thy name I thinke no man or woman in all the world can haue more warning to deny himselfe and hasten repentance then I haue To thy mercie and good pleasure I wholly betake my selfe thorough Iesus Christ Amen Amen Wednesday morning I was very tormentingly pained in the water passage and therefore prayed thus O blessed Lord God this soule disease tormenteth me verie sore O that it may be pleasing vnto thy most glorious goodnes euen in such measure to ease me of this disease as by thy grace I will from this time forward deny my selfe and giue glory vnto thy truth Me thinkes thou sayest Goe to then See that thou conscionably deny thy selfe putting thy whole trust in me And for thy comfort thou shalt be sure to finde these my words true I am mercifull My mercie is vpon them that feare me Most gracious Lord blessed be thy name I beleeue thy words And nowe thorough the grace of Iesus Christ I will steadfastly set my selfe to deny my selfe O Lord be mercifull vnto mee that I may thoroughly doe it And then thy will be done Amem About an houre after I had so praied vnto God my paine of the spleene came vpon mee in such sort that mine eies were much dazled mine heart deadly vexed my limms faintly wearied Beeing in this state I praied thus O good Lord what shall I doe This my deathfull body cannot possibly hold out nor be seruiceable vnto thee in any good measure according to my calling O my good Lord what shall I doe I haue no warrant to expect any extraordinary releeuing of my body And this deadlines putteth my poore soule out of comfort Mee thinkes thou saiest Let thy soule be steadfastly vprightly bent to serue mee for so it shall receiue comfort from mee Touching thy bodie doe me what seruice thou canst and betake it vnto mee to dispose therof as I see good By greiuing at thy diseasednes thou makest it to be worse Therfore be only zealous againg thy sinnes the cause of all thy miserie But take heart of grace and sustaine thy weake spirit hath assured confidence of my mercy towards thee O my good Lord most wonderfull in mercy and Almightie in power with all humble thankefulnes I receiue these words from thee My soule is certenly perswaded that thy purpose towards mee is according to those words Blessed Lord it greiueth me that I hane so long displeased dishonoured thee and now
am quite disabled that I can doe thee no seruice because my body is full of death Yet according to thy commaundement I will thorough thy grace wholly bend my spirit to serue thee And what seruice my dying body can performe I will put it vnto betaking my selfe euery way to thy good pleasure and most holy will Amen That day in the afternoone I was tormented yet let me say the truth in a manner as it were vnderhand succoured and sustained My back was about and below the kidnies very sore which made mee fearefull of a fit of the stone which from the last Nouember I had not It came many times into my mind to admonish all sorts of people to leaue the most common taking of Gods name in vaine in prating and swearing and cursing O if any that is giuen vnto that horrible sinne knew how deere and precious vse I am driuen to make of Gods name when in hellish torment specially at and after the making of water I haue none other helpe in all the world but to crie out saying O Lord ô God ô Iesu Christ c Whosoeuer you are that shall read or heare this stay a little while I pray you Bethink your selfe well whether the time will not come you know not how soon wherein you shall be forced to call vpon God for present help yea you ought to call vpon him euery day euery houre for your life and all that you haue or hope to haue is at his mercie In the turning of a hand hee can take all that is good from you turne you away into all manner of misery Then if it stand vpon his pleasure what shall become of you and specially when you are in aduersity or anguish whether you shall be releeued yea or no follow my counsell keep his name in store and by no meanes endure to write or speake it in any idle fashion much lesse in swearing tearing and cursing like a limme of the deuil What man is so madde that hauing a most pretious restoratiue able to cure him of any disease will hurle it into the dust fling it against the walls or tread it vnder his feete No you would lay it most charily as a most speciall treasure whereby you may in time of need help your selfe or your freind O then consider that of all restoratiues the name of God passes and excells For it is a soueraigne remedy against all euils both of soule and body Therefore the Psalme saith Psal 124.8 Our helpe is in the name of the Lord who made heauen and earth In few words take this for certen If you meane to haue helpe in the name of God vse it like a most pretious restoratiue Make not an idle word of it take it not in vaine least when you haue neede to call vpon it you call in vaine because the Lord remembers that you made a vaine idle word of his name That euening I did but walke a little in my chamber it made my water bloody what a miserable state am I in Thursday morning a matter that I read gaue me occasion to consider of an offence which many in Derbie lately tooke by the leauing out of the Crosse at the baptising of a child True it is that I neuer left out that signe nor euer will leaue it vntill the Church giue warrant Yet this I must needs confesse A many people thinke that baptisme is not perfect without the signe of the Crosse Yea more They thinke that there is some holy vertue in it The iudgement of God is a great deepe But the commanding will of God is in his word very plaine Hee would not haue poore people to beleeue that holinesse is there to be had where it is not They which first deuised any ceremony without ground of Gods word how good soeuer their intent was little knew what inconuenience would in processe of time grow thereupon Did you neuer see a house so ful of smoke that a man might sooner haue been stifled and blinded then well warmed That is typhos superstition that is the religon of many rude people If any say it is to be required that such people haue good instruction I say againe what instruction are they like to haue whose guides are either vnable to instruct themselues or suffered to be otherwise imploied I once heard Bishop Barlowe saie that touching higher places which is too too generall and extendeth in my simple obseruation farre further then hee intended it His speech in effect was thus The time was that fit men were sought for But now there is not such neede because many proffer themselues How it is in the higher region I know not But in the lower it is commonly thus And so long as it is thus a foole may prophecie that sound holinesse is not likely to thriue In the afternoon my strangurie was very keene my right foote burned with a painfull heat yet see the goodnes of God still a way is made that I may endure it euen when I am readie to crie out because of deadlie torment I am fully perswaded that had not this disease come vpon me yea and preuailed more and more euen to the putting of me quite out of all hope of recouery I should neuer haue beene diuorced and separated from the loue of this world Notwithstanding all that is yet done sin cleaueth vnto my soule like birdlime I haue a world of trouble within my selfe to master the olde setled rebellious thoughts of my heart which are so sturdie and so deuillish specially one my most naturall sinne that were it not for the verie grace of God in Iesus Christ I should bee quite out of all hope of subduing them Let me come into company and there is such an vprore in mine heart that whatsoeuer I can doe is al too little to keep it from breaking out into open rebellion against God Whosoeuer beeing an old sinner doth put himselfe into the continuall conscionable practise of repentance he shall plainely perceiue the sinnes of his heart to be like vnto a company of desperate rebels besieged in a castle yeeld they will not vntill they be famished out They haue succour from the remembrance and from corrupted imagination from the outward sences specially the eies and the eares and who can say how full of temptations the world is temptations fitted to worke vpon the sight and the hearing It is well worth obseruation for any man that knoweth white from blacke and sinne from grace to marke when he comes in companie with any how soone the seuerall wicked corruptions which are both in him and in the other wil conspire together to betray them both to make them sinne against God at least in a deale of idle talke I cannot call to minde that euer I was in company with any and drawne into a familiar communication but that I was also drawne into sinne Yea but some will say idle talke is a veniall sinne wherein they may pleade