Mrs. King If we should not do well for one another Iohn how would the World look on us Iohn I love thee heartily Iohn Yo. Carlet I know thou dost and there is no love lost on either side Mrs. King I 'le lordifie thee Iohn I 'le be thy HERAULD thou shalt no more be plain Iohn nor poor Iohn nor honest Iack as thy friends call thee but my Lord Iohn I will have it in my thought and will dream upon 't for man I must not call you brother nor you me Sister observe that Iohn yet I would not have you to forget Iohn that I am your Sister Yo. Carlet Dost think I will but come our friends do stay Mrs. King Then my Lord Iohn I pray lead on the way Exeunt Actus Quartus Scaena prima Enter Cellerman Drawer and Cook-maid Cellerm. Yesterday was a hot day a wicked hot day Draw No 't was a very cool day how canst thou call it a hot day when thou wert in the Celler all the while Cellerm. Why goodman puppy the Celler is the hotest place in the house Draw To thee sometimes it may be so Cookm I know not what it was to him or you but to me I 'me sure it was a very sultry hot day Draw I thou art a Wench that deales in fire but he is for the other Element Cellerm. You ly you Logerhead I hate Water Draw But thou art quarrelsome in thy Ale Cellerm. I hate that too Draw Small Beer can never stir thee Cellerm. I do not much affect that neither it rots my Guts Draw Some secret Liquor some Nepenthe as the Poets call it inspires thee now and then abominably but I am taught to tell you Brother mine and Sister Eke that if you chance to see this day a Lord in shape as like Mr. Iohn Carleton as Puss to Cat you must not think it him Cellerm. What him what him Draw Even him I spoke off Mr. Iohn Carlet yea though you know the Nose upon his face you must not think it him but. Cellerm. But what Draw A Lord. Cookm A Lord ha ha ha Cellerm. I shall laugh too prithee what Lord. Draw The Lord knowes what but hear me it is no laughing matter mums the word Maid May not one winck and laugh Draw yea winck you may but laugh ye may not Cellerm. Where didst thou get this Tone thou wicked elder Draw Even of a Parson truly yea verily it was that brought the Lady to this place assuredly Maid Hold there is a Coach at door no feasting I hope this day Enter Yo. Carleton with two Foot-boyes Cellerm. 'T is he Draw 'T is not he Maid But I say 't is he Cellerm. And I am sure 't is he Yo. Carlet What he Omnes My Lord. Yo. Carlet You do well there Gives them money Maid Ne're go now if he ben't Exits a hansome Gentleman Draw And generous Cellerm. 'T is pitty he is not a Lord indeed now my trouble comes on Maid Or mine rather Draw No I dare assure you the day will not be so hot to either of you as yesterday was Cellerm. Then I shall be plagu'd with night work Draw Why all times and seasons are alike to thee so thou dost drink and sleep Cellerm. Hang ye Raskal I never was a drinker a thorough drinker in my life Draw Not to speak of Maid Nay truly VVat is as sober a man when he is not drunk as any of us all Draw Ha ha ha come come let 's about our business Exeunt Enter Young Carleton Mrs. King Madam Moders and two Foot-boyes Yo. Carlet Boyes Boyes Ny Lord Yo. Carlet Get you down Staires take a Roome there Boyes Yes my Lord. Yo. Carlet And when I call be ready Boyes We shall my Lord. Mrs. Keng And one of you bid one of my men bring up some Wine shall it be so my Lord yo Carlet I come not to be idle 't was well thought on Mrs. King These boyes are as bad as young Coach-horses they Exeunt Boyes take up so much time in teaching it wearies one Mrs. King You may remedy it as they say my Lord and have those that are prepared to your hand my Lord. Yo. Carlet I may so indeed but many of them have practic'd sawcyness and become surley Enter Drawer with Wine Oh art thou come where are my Foot-boyes Draw Below my Lord. Mod. Do I dream a Lord aside since yesterday Yo. Carlet Fellow fill some Wine Draw Yes my Lord. Mod. Can this be real aside Yo. Carlet Madam my hearty service to you Mod. You do too much eclips you title in 't Sir Yo. Carlet Not a whit Madam Honour 's bound to serve a person of your vertue and your Presence will you be pleas'd to take the aire to day my Coach is ready Mod. Were I dispos'd I could cammand one Sir Yo. Carlet So you may mine Madam Mod. Not I Sir Mrs. King Why will not your Ladiship accept his proffer Mod. You put strange Titles upon people Mistress The Lord and Lady went over the Green Yo. Carlet A smart wit would you would honour me so much Madam Mod. As how Sir Yo. Carlet As to walk with me over the green Mod. No my Lord I should be wet shod then April's dew is deep Yo. Carlet And therefore sweet Mod. Your Lordship makes that up a vulgar Error Yo. Carlet Well Sister Mrs. King Art mad or aside foolish Yo. Carlet Both I am not right Mod. I do believe so Mrs. King His Lordship is not well Mod. A-lack good Gentleman Yo. Carlet I beg your pardon I am forc'd to leave you Mod. No force Sir in good time Yo. Carlet She would be rid of me Mrs. King How do you my Lord. Mod. His Lordship would to Coach Yo. Carlet Again Mrs. King Will your Lordship have any Comfortable thing Yo. Carlet No I 'le to Coach the Lady has directed me Mod. In the right way I hope Sir Yo. Carlet Again I will not stay call my Boyes fellow Draw Why Children I forgot my self Boyes I 'le send 'em up an 't please your Lordship Yo. Carlet No tell 'em I 'me a going and 't is enough Draw I shall my Lord. Exit Yo. Carlet Madam give me leave to kiss your hand your servant your servant Mistress Exit Mod. His Lordship will be hard put to 't to serve us both Mrs. King Me he cannot you he may Madam Mod. Good Couzen or Landlady the last is the truest be not so prodigal of your favours in confering Titles of Honour at this rate Mrs. King Why d' ye think I do not know you to be a Lady Madam Mod. I should be so were I a Madam really but you are free in the bestowing it as I suppose upon any person because the word is common and therefore Landlady I do abhor it Mrs. King Indeed you mist my meaning Madam I ne're apply Titles to any person but such as I know deserves 'em as on your self my Lord or so Mod. But is
A Witty Combat OR THE FEMALE VICTOR A Trage-Comedy As it was Acted by Persons of Quality in Whitson-Week with great applause Written by T. P. Gent. LONDON Printed for Tho. Roberts and are to be sold at the Royal-Exchange Fleet-Street and Westminster-Hall 1663. ACTORS NAMES Old Mr. Carleton Mr. G. Carleton his Eldest Son Mr. J. Carleton his youngest Son in love with the Germaine Princess Mr. King his Son in Law A Parson Two or three Gentlemen Two or three Young Clarkes Two Watermen Drawers A Cellarman Fidlers Mrs. King Madam Moders Old Mrs. Carleton Cook Maid Constable and Officers A WITTY COMBAT OR The Female Victor Actus primus Scaena prima Enter two Watermen as in an Alehouse at Billingsgate and a Boy with a full Pot of Ale 1 Waterm THou should'st have brought half a dozen Boy this will not wet one Pot of Ale is no more in our Bellies then a man in Paules 2 Waterm That 's right I prithee fetch a couple more for what we do we must do quickly and not make a dayes work on 't Boy I swear I can hardly spare another Pot the House swarms with several Companies that we have scarce Pots enough to serve their turnes but drink as fast as you will I 'le fill as fast I 'le warrant you 1 Waterm Away away a man may baul his heart out before thou wilt hear him bring us another Pot and by that time this will be ready for thee to fill Boy Well I 'le try my Skill Exit Boy 1 Waterm Come here 's half this to thee fear it not 't will warme us within man 2 Waterm I know it and will pledge thee and it were a whole one 1 Waterm Passing good Ale it goes down merrily 2 Waterm I believe there 's no Bones in 't I have heard of Cock-Ale Lambeth-Ale China-Ale Rosemary-Ale Mint-Ale Wormewood-Ale Orange-Ale Lemon-Ale And I know not how many sorts more that are the Gentlemens drink as they call 'em All is but Ale still made of Water that runs by Billingsgate And for my part when all is done give me the plain wholsome Ale of England without welt or guard as they say or a deal of mixtures but of all drinks I hate that of Coffee it dries Mens Braines and makes 'em write Hudibrasses a plaguy hard Word and jangles like the breech of a Drum Enter Boy Boy Here Gentlemen I am provided for you 1 Waterm Gentlemen you Knave we may be drunk as Lords if we fit by 't but soft and fair two words to a bargain the Fidler play'd no such matter 2 Waterm No no we are for a touch and begone here fill us this to and make hast Presto within why Boy Boy With a high pass and a repass I am gone can I be here and there to I 'me coming Exit Boy running 1 Waterm Have at thee agen drinks 2 Waterm Do thy worst Boy come to thee agen the Parish is but short Man drinks 1 Waterm 'T will be welcome when it comes off with it and it were a mile to the bottom 2 Waterm See I am a clean Drinker Super naculum boy I hate to spill good Liquor and throw away the bottom a man may want it before he dies 1 Waterm I so the Parson told us this morning in the Boat we had a jolly Company of Passengers but what she should be that is gone with the Parson my Noddle cannot imagine 2 Waterm A notable perrilous witty Wench I warrant her let her alone for leading her men 1 Waterm She 'l lead the Parson besides his Text I 'me afraid how she handl'd him 2 Waterm Nay marry he would have handl'd Her by your leave friend 1 Waterm You say very right but she was too cunning for him She was Courted by better Men in the Boat but she was too hard for them all I wonder the Parson should carry Her away 2 Waterm Who would think that such a Yea and Nay man should carry so much wickedness in his Hide 1 Waterm Oh hang 'em there 's no Whore-master like the slye Whore-master the zealous old Scot Doctrin'd Whore-master of the Tribe of Henderson 2 Waterm What was he what was he 1 Waterm What what was he why he was the Pope of Scotland 2 Waterm Of Rome thou mean'st Man 1 Waterm I say of Scotland I know what I say well enough and Marshall and Calamy were two of his Cardinalls 2 waterm Lord who would think it Enter Boy with more Ale but thou wilt talke any thing in thy Ale 1 Waterm Under the Rose I may Oh art thou there Boy thou art he that does the Liquor bring though not the Bottle Boy I promise you I made what hast I could but our house is so pester'd I 'me coming did you ever within why Boy hear the like but d' ye hear me 2 Waterm Who told you we did not Boy Well will you hear me then there is a Gentleman inquires for you without 1 Waterm What is he for a Man Boy I tell you he seemes a Gentleman 1 VVaterm. Though he be not what he seemes 't is all one to us if he has any Money he shall be welcome and so let him in Boy Well I shall tell him what you say within Boy boy I come and I come again Sir Exit 1 VVater Now should I laugh if it were some good fellow come to pay our reckoning 2 VVaterm. No no They are Fish too hard to catch how e're drink about man 1 VVaterm. That 's quickly done here 's towards thee 2 VVaterm. T'other Pot and away Enter Gentleman and Boy Gent. Where are the Watermen Boy They are there Sir Gent. How now honest Lads closeat it you seldome sleep I think 1 VVaterm. Yes troth Master we were just thinking upon it I think and 't please you you came up with this Tyde in our Boat Gent. I did so 1 VVaterm. We had a Company of merry Passengers not to lye truely and worthy Ones or else I am very much mistaken Gent. You had so but one especially 2 VVaterm. If I do not know where he be now ne're trust me Gent. Why I am here 2 VVaterm. I know that too but I know where you would be Gent. That 's a hard matter my friend 2 VVaterm. Do you not mean a Gentlewoman Gent. There were many 2 VVaterm. But I do mean the Gentlewoman she that sat next the Parson Gent. Now you hit me 2 VVaterm. And would not you be with her now with all your heart and a piece of your Liver Gent. I cannot tell but I must give thee half a dozen of Beer for thy conceits sake 1 VVaterm. Ale is the life of a Waterman Sir Gent. Why then Ale let it be Boy You shall have it with all selerity Sir Exit 2 VVaterm. Will your Worship or Honour or I don't know what be pleased to sit down and take part of our Cup. Gent. I came to that purpose 2
he that was here a Lord really descended Mrs. King A very Lord I do assure you Madam Mod. Since yesterday translated for then he din'd with us or my memory deceives me Mrs. King He did so but then he was disguis'd Mod. Not with drink I 'me sure Mrs. King No but in his freikes as they call 'em and he has many some times he will go in the Street as he went for a wager with his Collor all unbutton'd swetting like a Bull his Cloak hanging behind him in one hand his Gloves the other full of Papers that one would take him for all the World to be some young Clerk or one that had Relation to the Law At another time when he has a mind to be privately merry he throwes his Cloak over his Nose and in he steales and is as good Company Mod. For a mad Lord. Mrs. King Nay he is not mad in truth he has some whymseys but they are huge becoming I 'le assure you Madam if you were acquainted with 'em then he has been bravely bred Madam Mod. So a Lord should be Mrs. King He 's a good Latiness they say and writes a very good Hand Mod. Those are very good commendations for a Clerk indeed Mrs. King Or for a Lord or a Gentleman or any body else believe me Madam and then he 's as sober as vertuous and as hansome a young Lord though I say 't as any is within a hundred miles of his head and of as sweet a disposition Mod. Methinkes you dwell too long upon his prayses Mrs. King If you were but well acquainted with him Madam Mod. I must to my Chamber Mrs. King And I 'le wait on you Madam Exeunt Enter Drawer and a Foot-boy with a Box of sweet Meates Draw How now did these come from your Lord. Boy Yes to the Lady Draw Where did thy Lord pick thee up Boy What 's that to you Jack-a-napes I 'le tell your Mistress Sirrah Draw Why how now little impudence will you be lug'd by the Eares Sirrah does your Lord teach you no beeter manners you Arss-worme Boy I cannot tell I must speak with your Mistress Enter Mrs. King Mrs. King Who 's there Boy My Lord presents his love to you forsooth and desires you would present his service with this Box of sweet Meates to the Lady Mrs. King Thou shalt see it deliver'd thy self Boy come in with me Boy Your man is so unlucky he will not let me alone Mrs. King fie fie meddle with a Child Exeunt Draw There 's a young Pimp now he 'l be a stew'd Rogue in time if his Lords Trade continues Exit Enter Madam Moders Mrs. King and the Foot-boy Boy He bid me tell your Ladiship he 'l wait upon you in the afternoon and have you abroad Mod. Will he but 't is a question whether I shall give my self that leisure or not Mrs. King By all meanes good madam Mod. How ever boy prithee present my service and thankes to him gives him money there 's something for thy paines Boy Your humble servant madam Exit Mod. D' you observe Landlady the word madam is so out of fashion 't is a Foot-boyes Complement Mrs. King What shall I call you then Princess Mod. Away away I abandone flattery as I do Titles that are misapply'd Mrs. King Why directly your Presence and excellent parts cannot speak you less but saving my tale forsooth odds so I cry your Ladiships mercy Mod. Nay let it go on so Mrs. King Why then an 't please you how d' ye like my Lord is he not as I told you a sweet condition'd Gentleman Mod. He begines well Mrs. King And so He 'l continue to the end I warrant ye Mod. That 's more then you know Landlady Mrs. King My life on 't Mod. 'T is a hard venture in my opinion Landlady Exeunt Enter Young Carleton and Footboyes Yo. Carlet Let the Coach wait and stay you there Boyes We shall my Lord. Exit Young Carleton 1 Boy Jack let thee and I crack a Pint together 2 Boy I have no money 1 Boy Hang 't I have the Lady was generous to me this morning 2 Boy Would she had been so to me 1 Boy 'T is all one between thee and I let 's call the Coachman in and see if he will joyne 2 Boy The more the merrier Exeunt Enter young Carleton Madam Moders and Mistriss King Young Carleton Deare Madam Moders Good my Lord do not deceive your self Mistriss King My Lord an 't please your honour the word Madam grates her eares she sayes because it is so common Young Carleton Why then my Princess for so you are asserted in my thoughts I will assure you most accomplisht Lady Mistriss King I this sounds well how can you find in your heart to deny his Lordship most accomplisht Lady Moders My Lord though young I do perceive has been train'd up in Complements they are indeed the Courtiers prayers Young Carleton Then they should prevaile Moders With Fooles but not with such have understanding Mistriss King Most accomplisht Lady even for my sake Moders How will my Credit stand that am a stranger to be Coach'd out by one and so soon too upon so slender an account Young Carleton My heart shall stand betwixt you and all calumny it shall return the filth into their face that spits at yours Moders You speak Nobly my Lord. Young Carleton My Actions shall second my words most singular Lady Mistriss King Most accomplisht most singular aside Lady well John thou deserv'st her Moders You do so powerfully importune me my Lord I have no fence left for my self especially your honour being oblig'd to all Civilities Young Carleton Count me a Tartar most horrid Villain if I infringe or trespass in the least upon your virtue Mistriss King Is it granted most accomplisht most singular Lady Moders For your sake Landlady you see I can deny nothing that 's virtuous and civil as you say my Lord is Mistriss King As the innocent Babe most accomplisht and most singular Lady Young Carleton Will you vouchsafe your hand most gracious Lady Mistriss King Most gracious Lady that 's Yo. Carleton takes Moders by the hand another Young Carleton To me this honour is receiv'd above rules of comparison unexpressible Exeunt Enter Old Mr. Carleton and his Wife and Mr. George Carleton their Eldest Son Old Mr. Carlet George you are privy to your brothers secrets how does he find the Ladies pulse to beat has he hopes of her Mr George Carlet Doubtless Sir he has Old Mr. Carlet He bussels strangely do'st think her worth his charge and toyle Mr. George Carlet If he were not assur'd of that as I believe he is he would not certainly pursue with so much eagerness his suit that 's my beliefe Sir Mrs. Carlet So it is mine George thy brother is no fool Mr. George Carlet That the Town knowes and if he should miscarry 't would be strange I know not what the power of love may
do Old Mr. Carlet Dost think she is the person that he speakes her Mr. George Carlet Seriously Sir her breeding and her habit does denote her a person of no small repute and quality they say she speakes the Languages Old Mr. Carlet Believe me that 's rare in a Woman Mr. George Carlet I 'me in a manner a stranger to her person for she is very shy and takes state on her but so I 've heard Sir Old Mr. Carlet Perhaps by some that do not understand her Mr. George Carlet I know not that Sir Old Mr. Carlet Gibberish you know startles the ignorant Old Mrs Carlet Let her be what she will I 'le see her Old Mr. Carlet I prithee do and what then Old mrs. Carlet Marry I 'le know what she is and from whence she came Old mr Carlet Do so 't will appear well in thee I 'le not be seen in 't Old mrs. Carlet And know what she has too I 'le warrant you before my Son shall Bed her mr George My Sister King and my Brother as I am inform'd can saaisfie you in that point forsooth Old mrs. Carlet And so they shall I 'le thither presently Exeunt Enter Madam Moders mr King and mrs. King Mod. Good now be not so importunate I 'le not see ' em Mr. King Why how comes this d'ye see I thought that all had been right and sure d' ye see mrs. King What has he done that has displeas'd you most accomplisht most singular and most gracious Lady Mod. I 'le not be blown upon by every person he brings with him become the Town talk have my Credit stale and buz'd i' th eares of every idle fellow mrs King Indeed la if you will believe me most accomplisht most singular and most gracious Lady as his Lordship calls you there is no body with him but his Lady mother and a Banquet of Sweet-meates Mod. My Lord though in himself a nobler person had never been admitted to my present but for your mighty importunities I love to be retir'd not to be shewn like to a piece of Dutch-work newly brought over to all sorts of people pray let my Lord know where his error lies mr King And reason good d'ye see mrs. King If we durst be so bold chuck but his Lady mother waites most accomplisht most singular and most gracious Lady Mod. I cry you mercy and excuse me to her mr King and his Wife go off and bring Young Carleton and his mother in the sence of his gross error did transport me Yo. Carlet This is my mother and your servant Lady Mod. Your Lordship has oblig'd my service to her your faithfull servant Lady Salute Yo. Carlet Will you vouchsafe to grace this A Banquet is set out homely present with your acceptance Lady Mod. My Lord you know I am no Chaplaine nor needes there a preludiam to a Banquet Yo. Carlet My meaning is most precicious Lady you 'd add a sweetness to the meates by tasting them Mod. Coming from you my Lord compos'd of sweetness they need no more addition mrs. Carlet Words are but wind you seem to be a Gentlewoman pray what are you Mod. More then I seem Mrs. Carlet Where were you born Mod. At Billinsgate Yo. Carlet Oh dear Lady Mod. Why should I tell her I was born at Rome what 's she the neerer mrs. Carlet Have you an estate Mod. I hope I have mrs. Carlet Where lies it pray Mod. Where you shall never find it Lady why thus inquisitive Mrs. Carlet Have you the Languages as they say you have Mod. Let your Son try me Yo. Carlet Oh most precious Lady I am a stranger to the most of them Mod. So am I to your Mothers scrutiny I could giv 't a worse Title but hereafter if you intend to stock up precious time pray spare your Visits for they will be fruitless Yo. Carlet Oh mother your too indulgence has undone Exit me I 'me lost for ever all my hopes are shipwrackt Mrs. Carlet Why so Child Yo. Carlet She has prohibited me the sight of her which is as precious to me as my Being Mrs. Carleton 'T is very strange let her be ne're so high in Birth and breeding methinks she should not blame the Parents care for that will be and must be Yo. Carlet That 's the point I must insist upon and that no more obstruction may happen to my happiness my Sister will informe my Father your self the state of her affaires which may be mine Mrs. Carlet Do so and you shall find me Instrumental for thy advancement Yo. Carlet And dear Sister prithee use all thy wit and interest with her Mrs. King Do ye doubt it brother John no Lord but when she 's present Exeunt Enter two Drawers and Cellerman to take away the Voyders 1 Drawer They have not carry'd away all I see Cellerman No they have left the Voyders and something more 2 Drawer What do you do here get you to your Garrison the Celler Cellerman Prithee prate not this is my Garrison or any other place where I am safe They scramble for nay if you fall to scrambling I am for you 2 Drawer These will spoile thy drinking Cellerman My drinking Jack Sprat I could box thee sirrah 1 Drawer No I dare say you wrong him he 's no drinker Cellerm. Who I never in my life thou know'st it 1 Drawer The very stem o th' Celler now and then besots thee Brother does it not Cellerm. That may be for the Wine fumes and flyes into a mans head most plaguely but now stand off let me speak the sense of the Poet to the Auditory I 'm not the Person that I seem'd to be Although a Cellerman I am not he Exeunt Actus Quintus Scaena Prima Enter Madam Moders alone Moders GLory depends on Conquest I have brought After so many Tryals of my Wit My amorous Lord and his averse Allyes Upon their knees to supplicate my love This very minute I expect his Lordship To hurry me into the Armes of Hymen For that 's their drift I know let their pretence Be what it will and I 'le imbrace it Enter young Carleton Young Carleton My dearest Lady are you ready Moders You see I am but for what end my Lord. Young Carleton To heare the Musick Moders I have reason to love it my Lord. Young Carleton You are the Empresse of it Exeunt Enter Mr. King and his Wife Mr. King Well they are gone d' yee see and blessings follow both of 'em d' yee see Mrs. King I now you say so Chuck but the time has been Mr. King What has the time been honey you know d' yee see 't was my care at first d' yee see to preserve her here d' yee see Mrs. King I but you never meant her for my Brother John and that my Father takes unkindly Chuck Mr. King Who not I sweet heart I never meant any man else d' yee see as I am here d' yee see why you know I