task as appears by his most Dilligent and Divine Diary This necessary but much neglected work of self-tryal I find he began at the spring-time Aequinoctial upon the 10. of March 1681 ‥ O Holy and Happy Soul that had now his hard frozen heart thus kindly thawed by a look of love from the Son of Righteousness as Peters was by a Look from his Lord Luke 22.61 62 Hereby the Lord helped him to say with the Bridegroom in the Song The winter is past the rain is over and gone The Flowers appear on the Earth c. Cant. 2.10 11 12 13.1 most blessed spring of Grace better than that of Grass was now upon him though I cannot give so distinct an account of his Diary as I would because 't was writ in obscure Characters only with a black pencil intended it seems solely for hiâ— own private use yet with the beâ—â— key we could get it hath been opened that such precious treasurâ— should not be lost but communicated for the common good I begin here from the Manuscripâ— both as to the matter and as to the time as I can judge upon what Sabbatâ— Day I heard a Sermon upon Peter going out and weeping bitterly after Christ had looked upon him Saith he I went to prayer that night and begged of God to give me Peters Repentanoe and in the earnestness of Spirit I fell flat upon the ground before the Lord to begg it Then I laid long till I had some comfort from my God yet remained I dull and muddy till wednesday night and then had I some communion with my God again even a new tast of his first goodness and comfort in prayer On Thursday night did I meet him whom my Soul loveth again which I found very useful to me finding by woful experience that without Christs strengthening me I could do nothing spiritually nor before the Sabbath ensuing nor in it had I the sweet communion with God I used to have before but on Munday night I met my God having a pretty deal of time that evening for Tuesday morning was not so good nor could I raise my heart at night till it was very late and then had I my former sweetness but much more upon wednesday the same I found upon the Sabbath following and on Munday night and on the next night also though everdul at the first yet inlarg'd after upon wednesday night I pray'd twice successively and found more than ordinary incomes On Thursday again I had inlargements but at the close the Devil made me drowsy to cut short my duty c. but on Friday my heart was kept better raised On Saturday I begged of God to direct me how I might meet the blessing of the next Sabbath which through grace I met with on that day yet was troubled with wandrings in my evening duty On Munday the presence of God was with me and made my duty sweet at night On Tuesday I met with a precious opportunity for my Souls good On Wednesday I did not so well which made me chide my Soul for no better requiting the Lords kindness On Thursday morning I had Gods presence the same at night though troubled with wandrings On Friday I had many outward mercyes yet could improve aright neither Gods word of Grace nor his works of Mercy On Saturday having spare time from business I sought the Lord thrice for a larger sight of the light of his Countenance when the Sabbath came the Lord gave me an Answer of Peace c. Thus might a large account of this gracious Young-Mans Self-Tryal and watchings over his own ways from Month to Month all along but because to do so distinctly from day to day would fill a volume I must therefore wave it and that not out of Judgment only but out of necessity also seeing the key that opened his Charactars could not reach them all neither in point of time nor in point of matter the judicious Reader may easily imagine that this defect will lame us in this work yet though it cost me unspeakable trouble and pains I shall follow my thread in this labyrinth I have already given an exact account how he examined himself upon every monthly Sacrament from August 7. 1681. to Jan. 7. 1681 3. which was the last he did partake of for not long after his Dear Redeemer whom he had so oft admired and embraced in the Lords Supper upon Earth called him home to Sup and Feast with him in Heaven As to his Self-Tryal at all other times between every one of those Seventeen Sacraments I shall proceed to relate so far as my key will carry me The best computation I can make out of the many manuscripts consisting of above thirty sheets which I have to abridge and methodize drawn out of his Diary Pocket-book and Almanack c. He renews his self-examining work again upon March 17. 1681 2. being Fryday how he spent all the time from the last March to this save only relating to the Sacraments we must be content to want it for want of better helps but upon that day he hath left upon record he had wandring thoughts in duty did little for the good of others my sins saith he lay but light I mourned not for the sins of the land I looked not into my own heart nor was I concern'd in holy ejaculations The same he saith of himself in spending the 18 and March the 19. being the Sabbath he remarks the same omissions and not having a frame Suitable to the Day yea in night-duty pestered with wandrings on March 20. I arose from Table without drooping being full glad to meet God there March 21. had the former omission and Heaven little in my sight 22d day could not mourn for the sins of the land and the same frame was upon me the 23. and 24. nor could I do better or look into my heart the 25 of March 1682. nor the six following Dayes of that month could he shake of those omissions April the first he brands himself with the same neglects the second day he adds to those neglects that wandring thoughts had eaten up the life of his duty on the third the same complaint on the fourth missed vain thoughts in a good measure yet only through the strenght oâ— Christ but on fifth he adds God our of sight Heaven out of mind on the sixth he makes the same moan of seventh my own sins and the sins of the land lay too light upon my heart c. eight the same and that he had done nothing extraordinary for the Church in herday of distress ninth the same yet had some good thoughts but troubled with wandrings tenth the same and so the eleventh adding I have been this day tempted to pride so the twelfth thirteenth and fourteenth are filled with the like complaints and fifteenth he adds I have been spending this noon much too vainly the sixteenth being the Sabbath he blessed God that distraction had not dulled him
in duty 17th had like to have fallen into passion but God disappointed it yet not much in Holy Ejaculations c. eighteenth not up early had my former omissions and commissions the ninteenth twentyeth and twenty first yea to the end of April he arraigns himself as guilty of all those aforesaid Crimes then May 1 2 3 4 5 6. Complains of all those evils adding that hurreys of his trade at this time did provoke him more to passion but sometime God helped him to subdue it c. the 7. being Sabbath Day sin set too light did not mourn for the sins of the land not enough in holy ejaculations nor in looking into my own heart nor seriously minding the Word of God 8 9 10 11 12 13. the same little life much dullness being wearyed with the hurries of the World 14 frothy discourse with some delight O sin sin lay too light both mine own and the lands sin 15 16 17 18 19. the same Complaint 20. neglecting to read Gods Word 21 22 23. so on to the end of May he cryes out I have done nothing for my self nor the Church I have not been my self hardly knowing what I did through the hurryes of the World O the World the World is a saâ— impediment to my Soul God hath not been in my mind Heaven out of my sight I have not mourned for my own sins nor those of the land nor had holy ejaculations c. thus he saith particularly upon every day adding thus I continued till the fourth of June being always wearyed with work and unfit for any good O it hath been a sad time for my Soul thus likewise I neglected till the 17 of June on which I renewed my covenant with God yet 18 19. the same neglects prevailed only on the 20. I had some holy Ejaculations but 21 22. the same and 23. I prayed not over the Sermon as I should have done and omitted all as before 24 still pestred with former neglects O sad sad that I should be thus carryed under Grace thus he moans on 25 26. and so on to the end of June on every day I have done little for the Church or for my Soul have not read Gods word sin sits too light not mourn'd for my own sin nor for the sins of the land Heaven hath been out of sight and God out of mind too little have I been in holy ejaculations with wandrings not oft looking into my own heart c. July 1682. from 1 to 10. he complains particularly upon each Day in the same word 's too much wandrings in Holy Duties too little sense of sin upon my heart I have not mourned enough for my own sins nor for the sins of the Land not much in ejaculations Heaven too much out of sight c. sometimes adding I neglected reading Gods Word have done little for Gods Church have not minded my Soul nor Gods praise c. Then concludes these ten days with this divine rapture O this deadly thing sin hath not duely affected my heart into what a sad state is my Soul fallen O my God I beseech thee leave me not This same complaint concerning those several omissions he carryeth on against himself quite through July to the last day August 1682. He makes the same moans of the same neglects all along the month upon the head of every day of the four weeks distinctly yet sometimes adding God helped me on the 2 of August against my deadly sin on the 6 day being the Sabbath I was less troubled with wandrings than I was the day after on the 8 day I arose from Supper without dropping any savory word at the Table on the 11. God kept me much from my sin this day On the 13. I had much of God in my night prayer though the Devil told me I had not begged Gods presence My dear Lord helped me to repulse him with ease On the 16 out of order all the day but at night God shone upon my Soul more than a long time before but lost all the two following days being hurryed with casting up our shop going backward not forward On 19. I felt my deadly sin crawl apace towards my heart which put me upon examination the 20. day and found it not in vain to cast my burden upon the Lord for I had thereby relief against my Pride c. for which I have cryed mightily to the Lord my God after which I had sweet communion with God then the Tempter strongly tempted me to neglect hearing and reading the Word but putting up an ejaculation I had strength to overcome him again after hearing a Sermon I went down into the Cellar to pray where the Devil would affright me that something would appear which through the help of my Dear Redeemer I stoutly resisted and bid Satan defiance then he objected against me my deadly sin which I could not but own yet could he not make me think so long upon it as to distract me in duty which was the Devils design but Osubtil Serpent my Lords goodness strengthned me to triumph over thee and I had a comfortable season upon the 21 of August 1682. all my old neglects prevailed and wandrings in my night prayer but God heard my ejaculation I got up early in the morning which sweet way I had much neglected through weariness with worldly work to pray wherein I found much of God O my Soul love that lovely lovely one thy Lord who hath heard thee hath done is doing great things for thee and will do greater On the 26. I neglected reading the Word been too much about Worldly affairs which took me off from God and I lost my time in Duty nor could I get up my thoughts to my God in my hurryes yet on the Saturday following I recovered a blessed frame O my Soul love and praise the Lord for ever September the 2. I was at a fast for the fire of London where I was not free of my aforesaid omissions yet waiting there all the day at length had the sweet presence of God On the 4. I had Heaven in my sight and but little troubled with wandrings yet too little looked I into my own heart I sat up late for Duty and God made it sweet to me On the seventh he makes his old moan against himself saying I feat my own self righteousness the 10. God discovered my deadly sin which caused his withdrawment from me and that wishing to die to avoid misery by God withdrawings is but a pang of passion The 15. old wandrings c. returned I think my murmuring was the cause I first read Isa 65.22 23 24. from whence upon my ejaculation God spake comfort to me so had after delight in duty The 19 God discovered another sin my seeking the praises of men that darkned his face from me The 23. but little sensible how I had grieved away Gods good Spirit in morning prayer The 25. had little sense of Gods putting a vail
evil but as he was Israel so his Days were many and good He had two Names Jacob and Israel Genesis 49.1 2. both given him from his Wrestling the farmer Name was given him for wrestling with his Brother for the Birth-right in the Womb wherein he Miscarried but the latter for his Wrestling with his God for the Blessing at Penuel wherein his Valour through Divine Condescension obtain'd the Victory When the Messiah saw Jacob's undaunted Courage in resolutely detaining him Asks him his Name Gen. 32.24 26 27. As if he should say Thou art such a Fellow as I never met with who though thou be lamed and laid Hard at yet wilt not let me go without my Blessing Thou hast let thy Flocks go and thy Herds go Thou hast let thy Wives go and thy Children go yet thou wilt not let me go nor my Blessing go I will not let thee go except thou Bless me saith Jacob v. 26. Hereupon He Honours Him as it were with the Honour of Knighthood saying to him Kneel down Jacob Rise up Israel for as a Prince thou hast had Power with God and with Men and hast prevailed Gen. 32.28 Hos 12.3 4. Now Jacob is a Name of Weakness the poor Worm Jacob Isa 41.14 Trampled upon and trodden under foot This Afflicted State made Jacob sigh out those Sad Words All these things are against me Gen. 42.36 and those of my Text also Few and Evil have the Days of the Years of my Life been But so far as he had Princely Power as Israel signifies both with God and with Men In this Sence his Days were many and good One Day with God is a Thousand elsewhere VSE Hence learn we the Reason why the Church is called Jacob through out the Scriptures when Speech is of her Weakness and Calamity But she is frequently call'd Israel to signifie her Splendour and Glory and as it is thus with the Church of God in General so it is with the Children of God in Particular Some times they are run down with strange Temptations and with strong Tribulations then are they the poor Worm Jocob Isa 41.14 The Shulamite found two Armies Warring in her The Army of the Flesh and the Army of the Spirit Cant. 6.13 When the Army of the Flesh or Amalek prevaileth as Exod. 17.11 then the Seed of Jocob droops but when they are made strong in their Weakness 2 Cor. 12.9 Strengthned with all Might Col. 1.11 and made able through the Supplies of Christ's Spirit Phil. 1.19 to Tread down Strength as Judg. 5.21 even the strongest Temptation without then are they called the Israel of God Gal. 6.16 for their Prince-like prevailing over Flesh World and Devil III. Observation From the Circumstances of the Text. The Third Observation ariseth from the Conjunction of these two Parts This Question and the Answer to it which is 'T is a Duty Incumbent upon all Mankind to be Asking and Answering How the Days of the Years of their Lives do pass away It was Moses's Prayer Lord teach us to number our Days that we may apply our Hearts unto Wisdom Psalâ— 90.12 In which Psalm it being â— Meditation of Man's Mortality corresponding with my Text therefore Mark 1. Moses mentions the Brevity and Uncertainty of Man's Life comparing it to a Watch v. 4. which is but the fourth part of a Night Mark 13.35 Then he goes on and compares it to a Sleep to a Dream all vanishing things and to a Tale that is soon told and is as soon forgotten lastly to Grass which we well know if it be not cut down in Summer or Autumn doth wither in Winter So such Mortals as are not cut down with the Sithe of Death in their Youth do yet wither away in the Winter of Old Age. Quid est Vita nisi quidam Cursus ad Mortem said the Ancient Father Life is nothing but a Posting to Death The 2d Occurrence in this Meditation of Moses upon Man's Morality is his assigning the proper procuring Cause of this Humane Miseâ—y to wit Divine Displeasure â—gainst Sin which causeth God to â—urn Man to Destruction ver 7 8. Man at the first was made Immortal he had then an Immortal Body a Suitable Companion for his Immortal Soul These two Sweet Associates had never been severed each from other if Man had not sinned against his Maker Had Adam stood on his State of Innocency He should then have rendred to the Lord a time of perfect Obedience and Service here upon Earth and when that Homage to his Great Landlord had been accomplish'd he should then have been Translated from Earth without the least taste of Death to Heaven the Soul should never have been separated from the Body as now it is for the Wages of Sin is Death Rom. 6.23 It was that one Man's Offence that pulled up the Sluce and let in Death as a Deluge with a Regal Authority over all the World Rom. 5.14 to 17. and Sin did not only let in Death but also all sorts of Sicknesses Sorrows and Sufferings that are Forerunners of it Then 3ly Moses Condemns Mans Dulness in taking no more notice of this Divine Displeasure ver 11. All other Creatures know their Times and their Seasons Jerem. 8.7 but Man knoweth not the Day of his Visitation till He come to be Snared in an Evil Net c. Eccles 9.12 Though Man's Life be a Life full of all Inconveniencies of Indignities of Injuries of Infirmities and of Iniquities also yet such is the Stupidity of the Fall'n Nature that Man puts the Thoughts of these things far from him Amos 6.3 Fourthly Hereupon Moses begs God for Illuminating Grace wherewith to make a more Distinct Discovery of all Humane Frailty Lord teach w to number our Days c. ver 12. And the Sweet-Singer of Israel David will be of the same Chorus with Moses sighing as well as singing out these Synonimical Sentences Lord make me â—o know my end and the Measure of my Days what it is That I may know how frail I am c. Psal 39.4 5. Thus likewise Jacob in my Text carries on the like Concord and Consort to compleat the Harmony complaining here Few and evil have the Days of the Years of my Life been c. Adding only this one Note of Discord for making better Musick that God had taught him this great Truth concerning his own Frailty He had seen it for time past and He would be sensible of it for time to come his Days had been few and Evil Now they might be fewer and worse seeing He and all his were famished out of Canaan the Land of Promise into Egypt the place where his Posterity would be evilly intreated Gen. 15.13 VSE Moses teacheth us what use to make of the knowledge of our own Frailty It should strongly stir us up to an earnest imploring of Divine Mercy He maketh a loud Out cry after Mercy Crying Return O Lord How long c. Oh satisfie us early with thy Mercy
till she reach her desired Harbour or Haven Mark also the Congruity in sundry Particulars betwixt Man's Passage through this Life and a Ships passing through the Sea The First Congruity is as a Ships Bulk being built just after the manner of Man's Body in a Supine posture the Bottom-Tree answering our Back-Bone which hath many Ribs rising up on both sides c. is made for Motion not Rest Hence the Ignorant Indians call'd the first ships they beheld Moving Islands All ships are made for launching out into the Deep Waters Psal 107.23 24. And when heaved from off the Stocks where they are built in order to their passing down into the Deep have a peculiar Name as the Good-Speed the Adventure c. put upon them Even so it is with the poor Isle of Man so called he upon his first Launching forth from his Mothers Womb into a Sea of misery hath some significant Name put upon him with many hearty wishes from Parents and Relations sent after him both for his Safety and Success Secondly No sooner is the Ship Launched out into the Main Ocean but she meets with contarry Winds raging Waves dreadful Storms c. as before so that she is never safe or quiet till she reach her Rest in her desired Haven Psal 107.30 Thus it is with Man while in this lower World the place of Pyracy Job 7.1 ut supra He is assaulted with many Pyrates who hang out false Colours to decoy him within the Command of their Cannons He is Afflicted tossed with Tempests and not Comforted Isa 54.11 This present evil World is a very Shop fully furnished with All Tempting Tools and the life of man is but as one Temptation continued from First to Last 'T is a life made up all of Temptation Man is ever under either Visible or Invisible Dangers He passeth through Perils in Perils often as Paul 2 Cor. 11.26 every moment untill he Reach to that Everlasting Rest in a Desired Haven Heb. 4.9 Revel 14.13 The Third Congruity is A Ship is not only made for Motion but for Swift Motion Hence Job phraseth it My days pass away as the Swift Ships Hebr. Ships of Ebeck which may be read Ships of desire whether they be Ships of Pleasure or Yatches which are Built Frigat-wise for Sayling Swiftly Or they be Ships of Pyracy as Mendoza reads it saying Naves Piraticae mercibus Vacuae quam velocissime Rapiuntur Plundering and Pilfering Privateers being empty of Burdens make the most speedy way in Plowing through the Waters especially when they have both Wind and Tide with them to promote their Progress Thus it is with poor mortal Man who is a rowling tumbling thing like a Ship hopping from Hill to Mountain and meeting with no Resting Place Jer. 50.6 He reels to and fro as if drunk like the Marriners in a tossed Ship Psal 107.26 27. Yea and many mens motions to Hell are as swift Ships making great haste thither Prov. 1.16 Isa 59.7 Rom. 3.15 mans life is swift of it self but it runs most swiftly when the wind of Temptation and the tide of Corruption concurr to carry it forward c. Oh would to God the motions of your minds made as much expedition towards Heaven as wicked men do towards Hell All men are Ships of Desire both good and bad All are Home-bound to one of those ports and never do the winds so much fill the Sails of such and such a Ship as Desires do fill the minds of the Mariners to be at such and such a Desired Haven 'T is true the worst of wicked men do not Desire Hell yet though they do not desire that end they have strong desires towards the way to that end how ought every gracious soul to pray for the fresh gales of Gods Spirit John 3.8 and to cry with the Spouse in the Song Awake O Northwind and come thou Southwind blow upon me c. Cant. 4.16 a Godly Person hath with Paul his Cupio Dissollvi a desire to be dissolved and to be with Christ Phil. 1.23 O how should we all with the penitent prodigal Hasten home to our Fathers House c. Luke 15.17 18 20. Heaven is our home 2 Cor. 5. from 1. to 7. 't is our Desired Haven Psal 107.30 even everlasting happiness Fourthly the Fourth paraphrase upon Jobs phrase that mans life is like a Ship followeth that as a Ship leaves no visible tract behind her so life passeth unto death and the memory of it is forgotten Solomon saith the way of a Ship in the midst of the Sea cannot be tracked Prov. 30.19 for though she make deep furrows in her passage all along ye◠do they immediately close up again and the same Solomon saith of men yea of great men that carry a great figure in their place and be of a Ruffling grandeur in the world when once Dead the memory of them wears out of the mind Eccles. 8.10 and 9.5 Thus Aegypt forgat Joseph Exod. 1.18 and Israel Gideon Judg. 8.34 35. Yea men Friends and Familiars remember the dead no more Thus likewise some understand that phrase in Dan. 8.5 The he goat toucheth not the ground in this sence that it imports not only the speed and expedition of Alexanders prodigious conquests but also that in ā short time no man would know what was become either of that great conqueror or of any of his vast Conquests there would be no print of any their footsteps left behind they would no more be found than the way of a ship in the midst of the Sea Yet O how good it is to be a godly person for the Righteous shall be had in Everlasting Remembrance Psal 112.6 the memory of the just full be blessed Prov. 10.7 they shall be mentioned with much veneration after death even by those that spared not to Reproach them in their life their very name shall be honourable and acceptable to God and men whereas the name of the wicked rotteth and stinks above ground Prov. 10.7 Fifthly and lastly a Ship never rests till she come into her desired Heaven so mans life stays no where till it comes to its long rest and that is a blessed rest to those that dye in the Lord Revel 14.13 that fall asleep in Jesus 1 Thes 4.14 God takes a way their Souls out of their bodies as it were by a Kiss thus Rabins read that phrase Gnal pi Jehovah Deut. 34.5 at the mouth of the Lord Moses dyed not as we according to the words of the Lord As if God had taken away his Soul with a kiss of his mouth such a kiss of love as the Spouse prayed for from the mouth of Christ Cant 1.2 when this is done what follows after but rest from labours 1 from Labours of necessity 2 from labours of Infirmity and 3 from labours of Iniquity 1. They Rest from the first to wit the Necessary yet toilsom◠Labours of this Life they take no more thought Propoter Victum Amictum what they
fold 1. â—o let go sin not only in action but â—n affection also and 2. to lay hold on Christ as one undone without Him Thus came this blessed Soul to be broken off from the Wild Olive Rom. 11.24 In his letting go and â—aying down of sin as the greatest evil and by Grace became grafted â—nto that Blessed and Bleeding Vine â—he Lord Jesus John 15.1 2. who ever after his happy grafting time became a fruit bearing branch haveâ—ng juice and nourishment administred abundantly to him from the â—ree of Life Jesus Christ as the sequel will manifest in almost unparalâ—eld instances Thus far in short for his experiences in his first Conversion now come we to treat more largely of his whole Conversation some parts whereoâ— shall be reduced to the three following Heads His Exercises His Exâ—minations of Himself and his Evidences for Heaven which he attainâ—â— unto c. CHAP. II. NOW after his thorough aâ—â— sound Conversion follows 〈◊〉 holy Conversation which appearâ—â— to be much in Heaven by his conveâ—sing so much with God and with 〈◊〉 own heart in his due preparatioâ— for and true participation of thâ—â— greatest of ordinances the Lords Sâ—â—per as is manifest by those experiences writ with his own hand upon that subject which with no small trouble yet with great delight are here transcribed Now that he was bred and made a new creature by his effectual calling he found and felt a necessity that he must also be fed so asks councel about the concern of his Soul and learnt those Divine Lessons which He recorded As 1. the Lords Supper is so called because our Lord ordained it at his last Supper instead of the Passover 2. 't is the duty of Beleivers to receive it else they do slight his Love and disobey his Command 3. And to receive it often according to Christs command and the Apostles practice 4. That being dull and doubting under my Spiritual wants saith he I must give all dilligence toprepare my Heart for so great a work All are naturally unfit God will come and veiw his guests I have to do with the Son of God c. 5. This preparation must be made by a narrow search of my own Heart concerning my Sins my wants and my Graces and by fervent and solemn prayer 6. The Graces I must go to God and get from him are Knowledge Faith Love Repentance and New Obedience 7. I must have Knowledg for without it the heart cannot be good nor can I know my self nor discern the Lords Body I must know how man was created and how he fell and I in him how we are recovered by Christ how renewed after the image of God in knowledg c. till then my understanding is dark and ignorant my conscience benummed my affections out of order and set upon wrong objects my memory brittle my eyes full of adultry and my whole Frame out of Frame the knowledg of those things will help to break my heart that such a filthy lump of Sin as I am should see and feel the arms of Christ imbracing me 8. I must have Faith whereby I may hartily receive him as my Lord and Redeemer and rely upon him alone both for safety and salvation Without faith 't is not possible to please God and I may not displease him at his own Table when I go thither for the food of my Soul 9. I must have repentance because I must judg my self that I be not judged I must both mourn for sin and turn from sin when I come to the Lords Table c. 10. I must have Love too because the Apostle saith without Love all is nothing 't is uncomfortable to sit down at the table of an enemy whom we love not and who loves not us but 't is dreadfull and dangerous to sit down in our Enmity 11. I must have new Obedience also else I come in my rebellion and for Some Sinister end not out of obedience I must here renew my covenant with God and be as serious as if I were to dye Both in begging to be rid of that Sin which most disturbs the peace of my Soul and to have that mercy which would do me most good in a Dying Hour c. 12. I must quicken and draw forth into act all these forenamed Habits of Grace when I come to the Lords Table there meditating upon the great work of mans redemption Gods severity against sin in the death of my Surety Savior the preciousness of my Soul that cost such a price and the priviledges purchased for me thereby for which I must be thankful c. Having thus solemnly prepared his Soul for this great and tremendous ordinance from July 22. 1681. to August the 7h before he was yet twenty years old he sat down the first time upon that day at the Lords Table Upon this first Sacrament he received August the seventh thus he writes Before I sat down and at my first approach to the Table something of Fear and Trembling seized upon me but soon after I had some Sweet Sights of my Dear Redeemer I saw him by Faith how he stood with his Arms wide open to receive me and how he was Pierced that the Blood came out of his Blessed and Bleeding Sides I had then a clearer Sight of my God through my Redeemer and of his blessed Angels This was ravishing and Oh how refreshing but could not get my heart Inflamed enough with Love to Christ I laid open my Sins and beg'd the Pardon of them might be Sealed I promised to live up to this Obligation c. Concerning the Second Sacrament he Received Sept. 4. 1681. He gives this account I had not duely prepared my Heart for so great a work and Ordinanance but blessed for ever blessed be the Lord who did not deal with me according to my unpreparedness which if he had done I had not been here but been banished from his presence and so been under the Death of Deaths But he was pleased to give me a Sight of himself which I esteem above life and likewise a Sight of God and Christs conferring about mans Redemption I saw the Lord as it were saying Come ye Holy Angels behold man is fallen see if ye can find a way for his recovery which they could not but Christ took upon him mans salvation And I saw my self as it were in Hell where I had for ever laid but Christ came and drew me out then I embraced him as my Prophet Priest and King and became willing to forsake the World and all for Christ O that I may do it more and more and never have this frame worn off but that while I am below with my Body my Soul may be above with my God c. The Third Sacrament was October 2d 1681. on which he writes thus as the minister in administring was saying So that you are unfeignedly willing to receive Christ and whom nothing will satisfy but him I bid come and welcome
what we came for I went to him and told him methought that my Soul loved him and I was come to meet him for strength against corruption and by his help I could forsake the world and sin which I hated to enjoy him c. then he told me my pride should not prevail against me this month nor my other sins but by own neglect This was sweet and refreshing to my Soul and this was the occasion of the Devils great rage against me as appears by my Diary March 14. yet could he not prevail but Christ kept his promise in keeping me from pride c. Oh what cause have I to love the Lord Jesus whom I saw here again coming from Heaven to Earth to the Cross to the Grave and to Heaven again and all this to save my Soul here sin was made more odious Christ more dear and here I renewed my Covenant with God c. The Ninth Sacrament was April the 2d 1682. upon which he says thus Some Time before this I was in a dull frame by the hurries of our Trade at this time as may be seen by my diary little life could I find till the noon before that day then had I the presence of my Dear Lord in a lively manner and measure after this wandring thoughts dulness and coldness unsuitable to so sweet a supper seized upon me but by running over again the same circumstances of my Saviours sufferings especially his Agony in the Garden and all for such a wretch as me I found relief got hatred of my sins begged pardon of them And not only so but got power against them yet wandring thoughts 4 or 5 times did trouble me but by Christs strengthening me I overcame them and hoped to have my pardon sealed and to have power for the future for watching better against them and against my deadness and breaking my Covenant c. which made me long to quit the World whereupon it was answered me I should shortly be freed from all sin yet in this Sacrament I had the least communion with God than in any before but still much more infinitely more than I deserved who sure I am deserves not the least mercy The Tenth Sacrament was May 7. 1682. upon which he writes thus I had not longing desires after this Blessed Ordinance having lost much of my life I had in duty before through much hurries of our worldly affairs This morning I wrestled with God but had not the light of his countenance which made me think of not going yet considering that was not the way to be better I ventured but found no life at first yet a little after I felt some reaching after my Dear Redemer this made me resolve to walk more closely for the future after this it pleased God to come in out of his free love and to give me a clear sight of my sweet Saviours going to his Cross and I following him and laying my self down at his feet when I could do nothing Then had I plain visions of my lovely Lords ascensions and his Angels looking upon him whereat I found much goings out of my Soul after him yet wandring thoughts did trouble me for I had not brought my breaking Covenant my Dulness and Deadness before the Lord so as to be deeply humbled for them The Eleventh Sacrament was June 4 1682. Vpon which he He remarks thus I having no time was very bad in my preparations for this blessed Sacrament so doubted whether I should go to it but fearing it might be the last I should injoy in peace I then went yet it prov'd the worst I ever yet had I hardly felt any movings of affections only a little mourning for my breach of Covenant my coldness and deadness c. Had a little sight of my Dearest Redeemer but O my misery for not keeping my ingagement made in the foregoing Ordinance whereby I feared the Holy Spirit was greived and sinned away O sad sad lamentable deplorable was my state when I had sinned my God from me My condition was wretched now and without more care it may yet be much worse The Twelfth Sacrament was on July 2d 1682. whereupon he notes thus I was but little in preparation in order to my participation of this Holy Ordinance yet much more than on the last on Fryday morning before I had much of Gods presence but because I had not taken a Catalogue of my sins and had broke my vows with God 't is just with him to hide his face from me and O my deadly sin got again too much advantage against me yet praised be the free Grace of my God I had his presence in this Ordinance and saw my Dear Redeemer going along bearing his heavy Cross and his suffering thereupon and when his side was pierced methought I stood under and his precious blood did drop down upon me but still I was too little grieved for sin and had 3. times wandrings which through Grace passed away as the Wine went down I desired my sins might be purged away and renewed my resolve of walking better both before and in this Sacrament designing to shelter my Soul in the holes of his blessed Side that was â—ierced as the Dove doth in the holes of the Rock The Thirteenth Sacrament was August 6. 1682. On which he records thus The hurries of the World had made menegligent before it yet did I try my self by my catalogue of sins drawn up in February before such as pride whereof I had a great deal breach of Covenant whereof I was greatly guilty Wandrings Dullness in Duty c. and then another great one the neglect of self tryal after my vows renewed Covenant to do it after Sacraments wherein I had found much sweetness I could not still call my self to a strict account nor actuate my repentance as becomes a worthy receiver though my sins were many and great At my first sitting down I had but little sense of sin but after God showed me something of himself then had I some sorrow of Soul and something of my dear Lord but once God seemed to come out in fury towards me yet methought I saw my Dear Redeemer stop it Here again I lay under the Cross to be washed from my sins and did see as before Christ coming from Heaven to Earth to hiâ— Cross and to his Grave and from thence into Glory this I viewed with a little oh too little life then the Devil tempted me to make no new engagement of reformation but the Lord helped me and I harkned not to the Tempter About 4. times wandrings came but through grace they continued not yet had I smal actings of love and out-goings of Soul after my God and my Dear Redeemer The Fourteenth Sacrament was September 3. 1682. On which he observes thus I had but little of God some time before this till Saturday night Though I had been much in preparation yet my God came not in till then and indeed I
to the unconverted which through grace shewed me the necessity of my conversion yet all this time never consulted with any man about my sins but only confessed them to God till I met with Mr. Hookers Soul preparation for Christ which convinced me to advise with some Godly minister hereupon I did address to one though a stranger to him saying Sir I cannot I dare not any longer refrain having ask'd my self what fitness I had to dye was answered I was unfit till I had eas'd my heart to you as followeth 1. When I was 7. years old I tore my Bible and cast away my Catechism 2. I have broke the Sabbath by rambling abroad playing at farthings with naughty boys and washing my self in the fields when I should have been at the Church c. 3. By excusing my sins with a lye so added one sin to another for covering it 4. Nor have I been free from Youthful Lusts which young Timothy was bid to flee but my corrupt Heart hath had workings after the Act several times yet hath been wonderfully prevented by the advice of my Godly Sister who laid before me Christs words Mat. 5.28 whoever looks on a woman to lust after her c. however I am guilty of Heart-Adultry yea 5. I have erred and laughed when I have heard the word preached with power c. Hereupon the Good Minister gave me grave council and comfort suitable to my penitent case and condition yet notwithstaning all this I was not effectually called nor througly converted and made a new creature until afterwards I heard that Sermon upon Mat. 5.25 26. as the account above mentioned specifieth But alas in my Apprentiship through the hurries of the World in our way of trading especially in May and June c. I became negligent of my close walking with God not minding as I might to continue in his love when God my adversary was reconciled to me I neglected Dayly Self-examination or did it only to halfe part being dull and sleepy through weariness with worldly work at night then my old corruptions got head again upon me I broke my Covenant made at the agreement with my adversary and I Apostatized from these sweet thoughts I formerly had upon my God and Dear Redeemer for which had he not been gracious I had been damned and rotting in Hell for ever This consideration made me exclaim against my self saying O silly Soul to heed a perishing dying world before Heaven such sadness and darkness seized on me at this time when the things of the world I found had been the substance of my thoughts and discourse that I knew not what to do nor whither to go at last I turned to the Lord and begged of him that he would not take the forfeiture nor suffer me to run this ready way to utter destruction I cryed Lord 't is just with thee to hurle mein to hell and into the hottest place thereof and never wait longer upon such a cumber-ground as I am but to thee my Dear Redeemer do I run for refuge as one that am hungry and hardly bestead poor blind naked wretched and miserable a loathsom wretch unworthy to be called a servant much less a Son having so wickedly departed from my God yet through thee will I venter again to my God and by thy strength I will better mind my future walkings O my dearest Redeemer I die without thee O come in once again and let me feel once more what it is to have Christ dwelling in my Soul O find a time of love wherein to disperse those dark clouds and shine upon my Dead and Darkned Soul O hath my night no day 't is an hell to me to be thrust away from God I know the cause is all at home my sin my sin O let it be done away then should I recover the light of thy countenance as formerly and in so doing I do ingage to amend my manners depending on thy help my hand is witness John Draper now to bind his Soul and Slippery heart to God the better in observing this new ingagement he wrote down many profitable rules in his pocket book As 1. In a day of humiliation I must lay all my sins before the Lord and resolve to forsake them 2. I must look upon my sin of Passion as a feaver in my mind of Lust as fire in my bones of Pride as a fatal tympany in my Soul of covetousness as an insatiable and unsufferable thirst and the sin of Envy or Malice as rank poyson in the heart 3. If I would run so as to obtain I must cast off all those weights or sins that do so easily beset me 4. I must resolve to begin betimes the running of this race 5. Nor must I loyter in the way 6. Nor must I cumber my self with the needless incumbrances of the World 7. I must look to every part of my way with equal care and observation 8. Nor must I ever think I have gone far enough till I have obtained the prize 9. And the further I have run in this race the more eager should be to obtain the end 10. I must alway think that I am upon the brink of eternity and therefore should give all diligence to make my calling and election sure working out my Salvation and making sure work for a better world before I go hence to be seen no more 11. I must ever come to God as to a Soul-pittying a Sin-pardoning and a Prayer-hearing God 12. I must be fervent in prayer yet submit to Gods Soveraignâ—y 13. Occasions of being too â—ong alone are to be avoided so â—s Strong Drink and too full a Dyet 14. I must be thinking oft Death Judgment Hell and Heaâ—en those four last things 15. I must not stretch my Christian liberty too far for he that dare go so far as he thinks he may goes sometime farther than he should c. 16. I must bridle my Tongue and not be too apt to speak of things whereof I am not certain And much more to the same purpose both for particular and general instruction too long to insert here This Holy Young-Man put down in his pocket book also how he had been Exercised with Temptations to Sin as to Theft Adultry Playing at Cards and prophaning the Sabbath c. as also with tryals to prevent temptations instancing that in a lash upon his eye with a Coach-whip whereby the Lord healed him of hie lustful Eye which had been too ful of Adultry 2. Pet. 2.14 CHAP. IV. NOw come we to the Third Head his Examinations of himself in the workings of his heart relating to his Communion with God It was not enough to this good Soul to examine himself only when he was approaching to the Lords Table on the Lords Day as is before specified but he look'd upon it as his duty to do it every day both every Sabbath-day when there was no Sacrament and every week day also making it his continual daily