Mrs. King If we should not do well for one another Iohn how would the World look on us Iohn I love thee heartily Iohn Yo. Carlet I know thou dost and there is no love lost on either side Mrs. King I 'le lordifie thee Iohn I 'le be thy HERAULD thou shalt no more be plain Iohn nor poor Iohn nor honest Iack as thy friends call thee but my Lord Iohn I will have it in my thought and will dream upon 't for man I must not call you brother nor you me Sister observe that Iohn yet I would not have you to forget Iohn that I am your Sister Yo. Carlet Dost think I will but come our friends do stay Mrs. King Then my Lord Iohn I pray lead on the way Exeunt Actus Quartus Scaena prima Enter Cellerman Drawer and Cook-maid Cellerm. Yesterday was a hot day a wicked hot day Draw No 't was a very cool day how canst thou call it a hot day when thou wert in the Celler all the while Cellerm. Why goodman puppy the Celler is the hotest place in the house Draw To thee sometimes it may be so Cookm I know not what it was to him or you but to me I 'me sure it was a very sultry hot day Draw I thou art a Wench that deales in fire but he is for the other Element Cellerm. You ly you Logerhead I hate Water Draw But thou art quarrelsome in thy Ale Cellerm. I hate that too Draw Small Beer can never stir thee Cellerm. I do not much affect that neither it rots my Guts Draw Some secret Liquor some Nepenthe as the Poets call it inspires thee now and then abominably but I am taught to tell you Brother mine and Sister Eke that if you chance to see this day a Lord in shape as like Mr. Iohn Carleton as Puss to Cat you must not think it him Cellerm. What him what him Draw Even him I spoke off Mr. Iohn Carlet yea though you know the Nose upon his face you must not think it him but. Cellerm. But what Draw A Lord. Cookm A Lord ha ha ha Cellerm. I shall laugh too prithee what Lord. Draw The Lord knowes what but hear me it is no laughing matter mums the word Maid May not one winck and laugh Draw yea winck you may but laugh ye may not Cellerm. Where didst thou get this Tone thou wicked elder Draw Even of a Parson truly yea verily it was that brought the Lady to this place assuredly Maid Hold there is a Coach at door no feasting I hope this day Enter Yo. Carleton with two Foot-boyes Cellerm. 'T is he Draw 'T is not he Maid But I say 't is he Cellerm. And I am sure 't is he Yo. Carlet What he Omnes My Lord. Yo. Carlet You do well there Gives them money Maid Ne're go now if he ben't Exits a hansome Gentleman Draw And generous Cellerm. 'T is pitty he is not a Lord indeed now my trouble comes on Maid Or mine rather Draw No I dare assure you the day will not be so hot to either of you as yesterday was Cellerm. Then I shall be plagu'd with night work Draw Why all times and seasons are alike to thee so thou dost drink and sleep Cellerm. Hang ye Raskal I never was a drinker a thorough drinker in my life Draw Not to speak of Maid Nay truly VVat is as sober a man when he is not drunk as any of us all Draw Ha ha ha come come let 's about our business Exeunt Enter Young Carleton Mrs. King Madam Moders and two Foot-boyes Yo. Carlet Boyes Boyes Ny Lord Yo. Carlet Get you down Staires take a Roome there Boyes Yes my Lord. Yo. Carlet And when I call be ready Boyes We shall my Lord. Mrs. Keng And one of you bid one of my men bring up some Wine shall it be so my Lord yo Carlet I come not to be idle 't was well thought on Mrs. King These boyes are as bad as young Coach-horses they Exeunt Boyes take up so much time in teaching it wearies one Mrs. King You may remedy it as they say my Lord and have those that are prepared to your hand my Lord. Yo. Carlet I may so indeed but many of them have practic'd sawcyness and become surley Enter Drawer with Wine Oh art thou come where are my Foot-boyes Draw Below my Lord. Mod. Do I dream a Lord aside since yesterday Yo. Carlet Fellow fill some Wine Draw Yes my Lord. Mod. Can this be real aside Yo. Carlet Madam my hearty service to you Mod. You do too much eclips you title in 't Sir Yo. Carlet Not a whit Madam Honour 's bound to serve a person of your vertue and your Presence will you be pleas'd to take the aire to day my Coach is ready Mod. Were I dispos'd I could cammand one Sir Yo. Carlet So you may mine Madam Mod. Not I Sir Mrs. King Why will not your Ladiship accept his proffer Mod. You put strange Titles upon people Mistress The Lord and Lady went over the Green Yo. Carlet A smart wit would you would honour me so much Madam Mod. As how Sir Yo. Carlet As to walk with me over the green Mod. No my Lord I should be wet shod then April's dew is deep Yo. Carlet And therefore sweet Mod. Your Lordship makes that up a vulgar Error Yo. Carlet Well Sister Mrs. King Art mad or aside foolish Yo. Carlet Both I am not right Mod. I do believe so Mrs. King His Lordship is not well Mod. A-lack good Gentleman Yo. Carlet I beg your pardon I am forc'd to leave you Mod. No force Sir in good time Yo. Carlet She would be rid of me Mrs. King How do you my Lord. Mod. His Lordship would to Coach Yo. Carlet Again Mrs. King Will your Lordship have any Comfortable thing Yo. Carlet No I 'le to Coach the Lady has directed me Mod. In the right way I hope Sir Yo. Carlet Again I will not stay call my Boyes fellow Draw Why Children I forgot my self Boyes I 'le send 'em up an 't please your Lordship Yo. Carlet No tell 'em I 'me a going and 't is enough Draw I shall my Lord. Exit Yo. Carlet Madam give me leave to kiss your hand your servant your servant Mistress Exit Mod. His Lordship will be hard put to 't to serve us both Mrs. King Me he cannot you he may Madam Mod. Good Couzen or Landlady the last is the truest be not so prodigal of your favours in confering Titles of Honour at this rate Mrs. King Why d' ye think I do not know you to be a Lady Madam Mod. I should be so were I a Madam really but you are free in the bestowing it as I suppose upon any person because the word is common and therefore Landlady I do abhor it Mrs. King Indeed you mist my meaning Madam I ne're apply Titles to any person but such as I know deserves 'em as on your self my Lord or so Mod. But is
do Old Mr. Carlet Dost think she is the person that he speakes her Mr. George Carlet Seriously Sir her breeding and her habit does denote her a person of no small repute and quality they say she speakes the Languages Old Mr. Carlet Believe me that 's rare in a Woman Mr. George Carlet I 'me in a manner a stranger to her person for she is very shy and takes state on her but so I 've heard Sir Old Mr. Carlet Perhaps by some that do not understand her Mr. George Carlet I know not that Sir Old Mr. Carlet Gibberish you know startles the ignorant Old Mrs Carlet Let her be what she will I 'le see her Old Mr. Carlet I prithee do and what then Old mrs. Carlet Marry I 'le know what she is and from whence she came Old mr Carlet Do so 't will appear well in thee I 'le not be seen in 't Old mrs. Carlet And know what she has too I 'le warrant you before my Son shall Bed her mr George My Sister King and my Brother as I am inform'd can saaisfie you in that point forsooth Old mrs. Carlet And so they shall I 'le thither presently Exeunt Enter Madam Moders mr King and mrs. King Mod. Good now be not so importunate I 'le not see ' em Mr. King Why how comes this d'ye see I thought that all had been right and sure d' ye see mrs. King What has he done that has displeas'd you most accomplisht most singular and most gracious Lady Mod. I 'le not be blown upon by every person he brings with him become the Town talk have my Credit stale and buz'd i' th eares of every idle fellow mrs King Indeed la if you will believe me most accomplisht most singular and most gracious Lady as his Lordship calls you there is no body with him but his Lady mother and a Banquet of Sweet-meates Mod. My Lord though in himself a nobler person had never been admitted to my present but for your mighty importunities I love to be retir'd not to be shewn like to a piece of Dutch-work newly brought over to all sorts of people pray let my Lord know where his error lies mr King And reason good d'ye see mrs. King If we durst be so bold chuck but his Lady mother waites most accomplisht most singular and most gracious Lady Mod. I cry you mercy and excuse me to her mr King and his Wife go off and bring Young Carleton and his mother in the sence of his gross error did transport me Yo. Carlet This is my mother and your servant Lady Mod. Your Lordship has oblig'd my service to her your faithfull servant Lady Salute Yo. Carlet Will you vouchsafe to grace this A Banquet is set out homely present with your acceptance Lady Mod. My Lord you know I am no Chaplaine nor needes there a preludiam to a Banquet Yo. Carlet My meaning is most precicious Lady you 'd add a sweetness to the meates by tasting them Mod. Coming from you my Lord compos'd of sweetness they need no more addition mrs. Carlet Words are but wind you seem to be a Gentlewoman pray what are you Mod. More then I seem Mrs. Carlet Where were you born Mod. At Billinsgate Yo. Carlet Oh dear Lady Mod. Why should I tell her I was born at Rome what 's she the neerer mrs. Carlet Have you an estate Mod. I hope I have mrs. Carlet Where lies it pray Mod. Where you shall never find it Lady why thus inquisitive Mrs. Carlet Have you the Languages as they say you have Mod. Let your Son try me Yo. Carlet Oh most precious Lady I am a stranger to the most of them Mod. So am I to your Mothers scrutiny I could giv 't a worse Title but hereafter if you intend to stock up precious time pray spare your Visits for they will be fruitless Yo. Carlet Oh mother your too indulgence has undone Exit me I 'me lost for ever all my hopes are shipwrackt Mrs. Carlet Why so Child Yo. Carlet She has prohibited me the sight of her which is as precious to me as my Being Mrs. Carleton 'T is very strange let her be ne're so high in Birth and breeding methinks she should not blame the Parents care for that will be and must be Yo. Carlet That 's the point I must insist upon and that no more obstruction may happen to my happiness my Sister will informe my Father your self the state of her affaires which may be mine Mrs. Carlet Do so and you shall find me Instrumental for thy advancement Yo. Carlet And dear Sister prithee use all thy wit and interest with her Mrs. King Do ye doubt it brother John no Lord but when she 's present Exeunt Enter two Drawers and Cellerman to take away the Voyders 1 Drawer They have not carry'd away all I see Cellerman No they have left the Voyders and something more 2 Drawer What do you do here get you to your Garrison the Celler Cellerman Prithee prate not this is my Garrison or any other place where I am safe They scramble for nay if you fall to scrambling I am for you 2 Drawer These will spoile thy drinking Cellerman My drinking Jack Sprat I could box thee sirrah 1 Drawer No I dare say you wrong him he 's no drinker Cellerm. Who I never in my life thou know'st it 1 Drawer The very stem o th' Celler now and then besots thee Brother does it not Cellerm. That may be for the Wine fumes and flyes into a mans head most plaguely but now stand off let me speak the sense of the Poet to the Auditory I 'm not the Person that I seem'd to be Although a Cellerman I am not he Exeunt Actus Quintus Scaena Prima Enter Madam Moders alone Moders GLory depends on Conquest I have brought After so many Tryals of my Wit My amorous Lord and his averse Allyes Upon their knees to supplicate my love This very minute I expect his Lordship To hurry me into the Armes of Hymen For that 's their drift I know let their pretence Be what it will and I 'le imbrace it Enter young Carleton Young Carleton My dearest Lady are you ready Moders You see I am but for what end my Lord. Young Carleton To heare the Musick Moders I have reason to love it my Lord. Young Carleton You are the Empresse of it Exeunt Enter Mr. King and his Wife Mr. King Well they are gone d' yee see and blessings follow both of 'em d' yee see Mrs. King I now you say so Chuck but the time has been Mr. King What has the time been honey you know d' yee see 't was my care at first d' yee see to preserve her here d' yee see Mrs. King I but you never meant her for my Brother John and that my Father takes unkindly Chuck Mr. King Who not I sweet heart I never meant any man else d' yee see as I am here d' yee see why you know I
love my Brother John d' yee see with all my heart d' yee see I only did expresse my care of him being but a young man d' yee see and I knew not how things stood d' yee see which it seemes you knew better d' yee see Mrs. King Well chuck what an honour will it be to my Father in his age to have a Prince or Princesse to his Grandchild Mr. King How 's that sweet heart Mrs. King Nay I say no more Windows have eares Exeunt Enter Young Carleton his Brother George Madam Moders and several others attended upon by Drawers 1 Gent. A Wedding and no Musick Draw They are i' th house Sir Yo. Carlet Prithee let 's have 'em and now most gracious Lady as you have given spirit to my Clay and made my soul to caper in its Cottage by this blest Conjunction know I 'me still your servant Mod. My Lord I think all Complements ridiculous after this Ceremony Enter Musick George Carlet Come here 's a good divertion what Songs have you Fidler A hundred and fifty two hundred if need be I furnish all the Faires and markets with 'em I keep a Poet in pay on purpose Gentlemen which is no shall charge to me you must think 't is true the Poet is a prety wit but what 's wit or good lines nothing unless well Humour'd and well Sung I sing 'em all my self though the lines be never so bad I make 'em twang which sets off a Poet mainly you know George Carleton Pox take you for a puppy leave praising your self and let us hear a Song Fidler What Song will you have Gentlemen Omnes Any any Fidler What say you to that of the love between a Kitchin Wench and a Chimney Swifter Yo. Carlet Sirrah d' ye know where you are Fidler I cry you mercy Sir I 'le fit you with a rare one Sings 2 Gent. Hold your howling and behang'd what a mouth he makes how he grates the words and tears the sense 1 Gent. He 's good for nothing canst thou tumble Fidler Tumble I don't understand ye Sir Yo. Carlet Come come a Dance or two and so good Night Mr. Fidler George Carlet 'T is pitty to They play the company dance keep thee too long from thy happiness Yo. Carlet There are you pleas'd Fidler Very nobly we thank your Honour Exeunt Musick Yo. Carlet Now Gentlemen I must crave your pardon Lady your hand Exeunt Omnes A good Night to you Both. Exeunt Enter two or three Clerks 1 Clerk Newes newes newes Boyes 2 Clerk What Newes what newes 1 Clerk Wonderfull strange and true newes newly Printed and newly come forth 3 Clerk Of the downfall of Grantham Steeple the miraculous discovery of old Braziel by a Ship-Carpenter at Namptwich or the horrid murder of Tom Thumb some such paltry stuffe 1 Clerk You are wide of the matter Mr. John Carleton is married 2 Clerk Prithee to whom 1 Clerk To no less then a Princess a German Princess believe me 3 Clerk Why then it must be no more Mr. John Carleton but my Lord John Carleton 2 Clerk Pough I don't believe it 1 Clerk Thou art an incredulous Coxcomb I tell thee they keep their Court and State at Durham House 'i th Strand there you may see his Lordship if you have a mind to 't 2 Clerk If I thought he would not take too much State upon him I 'd put my Holy-day Habit on and take a day to visit him 3 Clerk Set thy time and we 'l go with thee 2 Clerk Two dayes hence 1 Clerk Agree'd agree'd Exeunt Enter Mr. King and his Wife Wife What happy Instruments have we been Chuck in this business they talk of giving hundreds of pounds to others and I 'me sure we deserve thousands Mr. King That 's very rightly said d'ye see but for my part d' ye see I look not for a penny d' ye see Wife Introth Chuck if thou dost not I do there 's the short and the long on 't my Father 's gone to see if she will settle her Estate upon my Brother John mr King And a great deal of reason there is in 't d' ye see Sweet-heart for he has been at a vast charge d' ye see Wife Her Estate will make amends for all and though he is a false Lord now her Estate will make him currant money will buy Honour at any time Chuck mr King I if it hit right but there are so many cheates abroad d'ye see Wife Why I hope thou wavering faith'd man thou dost not think the Princess my Sister one mr King If she be such a person and have such an Estate d' ye see my Brother may bless the time he ever see us d' ye see but if she be not the person and has no Estate why then 't is a meer cheat d' ye see and we shall suffer in our credit cruelly d' ye see Wife Lord help thy simple head I warrant thee man Exeunt Enter Old Carleton and mr John Carleton Old Carlet Unfortunate boy thou art undone for ever Yo. Carlet Bless me Sir you do amaze me wonderfully Old Carlet After thy loss of time thy vast expences in riotous Banquettings perpetual Visits what hast thou purchas'd Yo. Carlet A reward above my merit Sir a virtuous Princess of high Endowments and of ample fortunes rich in her self her parts speak her a Dowre sufficient for a person of my quality had she no other Riches to adorne her Old Carlet A very Puss-cat a subtle Carrion and a cursed cheat Yo. Carlet With pardon Sir I partly do imagine the cause of this your sudden discomposure you prest her in my absence like a Father to settle her Estate on me which she unwilling to consent to hath rais'd this storme within your quiet Bosome Old Carlet An Estate where lies it at the Brick-hills foolish boy she is not worth a groat but what thou hast out of thy prodigal affection given her her Jewels are but counterfeit and she a base imposture Yo. Carlet Good Father let not your passion so deceive your reason she cannot be so Sir Old Carlet Boy she 's a Strumpet a vagrant a wandring Baggage that has two Husbands beside thy self a paltry Shoomaker is one of them this I 'le make out Yo. Carlet You have thrown Daggers to my heart Sir Old Carlet Be not troubl'd Boy I 'le hamper her I warrant thee come along with me Exeunt Enter madam Moders alone Mod. I do expect a storme and suddenly by my bad dreames which tell me I must wade through mud and Water signifying troubles dangerous ones yet I shall pass them all cleer as a sheet that has been whiten'd by the whitsters hand Enter Old Carleton Young Carleton Constable and others Old Carlet That 's the Strumpet Mod. Who do you handle you unreveren'd Raskalls why Father Husband what do you mean Old Carlet To hang you Whore for having of two Husbands Mod. Is that all Ha ha ha Yo. Carlet Sure she is innocent her courage speaks her so Old Carlet Away with her Mr. Constable Exeunt Enter Mr. King and his Wife Mrs. King Oh Chuck Chuck thou hast defil'd our Nest and thrown a speck upon our Family the Princess is a Whore a double Whore she has two Husbands has your early rising come to this Mr. King Why honey 't is true I took her for a civil Gentlewoman and so I entertain'd her d' ye see now you took her for a Princess d' ye see and there is the mistake d' ye see alas I would not have done such a thing d' ye see for a thousand pound d'ye see nay and more too as poor a man as I am d' ye see mrs. King I wish it from my heart thou had'st been sick a Bed chuck when thou did'st what thou did'st but 't is no matter I hope to see her hang'd mr King Why that will make amends for all d' ye see Exeunt Enter two Gentlemen as from the Sessions-house 1 Gent. I wisht I had had your place Sir you sat neer the Bench. 2 Gent. Introth I was weary on 't I did not like the Scaene 1 Gent. How does the Princess carry her self I pray Sir 2 Gent. I understand you not Sir unless you mean a Princess that derives her Title from the powdering Tub. 1 Gent. Your pardon Sir I meane the person now is at her Tryal 2 Gent. You may assure your self she wanted not Confidence I might say impudence 1 Gent. They say her Husband is a hopefull Gentleman 2 Gent. A sweet lad my heart earnes for him a man well bred of a good Family and in a hansome way thus to be catcht argues a weakness some where a gross oversight a pituous shallow conception 1 Gent. How do you think 't will go with him Sir 2 Gent. Not with him Sir 't will rather go against him the Evidence is A noise within defective 1 Gent. Hark I dare say she 's quit 2 Gent. A hard fate has follow'd thee friend Carleton 1 Gent. I pitty the Gentleman though a stranger to me this business was not manag'd well I fear but there 's away to bring 't about again if she be the same person 2 Gent. I believe Enter madam Moders several others after her so Sir bless my eye sight here 's the beast will none spit at her how she stares gloates like old Grimalkin or mother Gurtons Cat 'i th Colehole 1 Gent. Is that she Sir 2 Gent. Yes 't is she Sir for want of a better 1 Gent. Your servant Sir 2 Gent. I 'me yours Sir Exeunt severally Enter Moders alone applying her self to the Auditory Mod. I 've past one Tryal but it is my fear I shall receive a rigid sentence here You think me a bold Cheat put case 't were so Which of you are not now you 'd swear I know But do not least that you deserve to be Censur'd worse then you yet can censure me The World 's a Cheat and we that move in it In our degrees do exercise our Wit And better 't is to get a glorious Name However got then live by common Fame FINIS